Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 154: Esther Manito

Episode Date: July 20, 2022

Live at the Apollo star Esther Manito drops by the Dream Restaurant this week. Hope we've ordered enough lemons.See Esther Manito’s new show #NotAllMen at the Edinburgh Fringe this August. Tickets here.Follow Esther Manito on Twitter @Esther_Manito and Instagram @EstherManitoRecorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, taking the bulb of humour, removing a clove of good times, peeling that clove, putting it in the garlic crusher of conversation, and then frying all that up. And that's the podcast put in in a recipe like garlic. Hello, James. Like garlic. Hello, Ed. Ed Gamble there, James A. Caster. This is the Off Menu podcast. We own a dream restaurant, and we invite a guest in every week to tell us their favourite ever, start at Maincourse, dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order. And this week, our guest is

Esther Manito. Esther Manito, wonderful comedian who I've worked with on a number of occasions. She's very, very funny. Very, very funny. I'm honoured to have her on the pod. She's going to Edinburgh Festival soon. She is. She's doing a show at the Edinburgh Festival, and we're very excited to see that. And we're also very excited to hear her dream menu, James. Yes, I am excited, Ed. But listen, just like with any guest we have on the podcast, if Esther says the secret ingredient, an ingredient unbeknownst to her that we decide is gross, then we will kick her out of the dream restaurant. We're both mildly distracted there. You might even be able to hear another voice, because the great Manito has his dog here, and Toast was being naughty. Yes.

So Manito had to pick up Toast and pop him on his lap. Toast isn't often allowed in the studio, but he's been picked up now. He's on the lap, please. He's actually quite calm, actually. He's quite a calm, calm little dog. But will he keep acting calm when we mention what the secret ingredient is? Because I'm sure it's not for dogs. It's instant coffee. Instant coffee. I don't think I describe myself as a coffee snob, James, only to the extent that I don't really like instant coffee. No. I think once you stop drinking instant coffee, going back to it, that's when you realise this is bad stuff. It's bad stuff. In a pinch, I'll drink instant coffee if I'm really tired, and I need a boost, and that's all that's there.

I'll double drop an instant coffee. Two spoons straight in. If it's just for the effect, sure, who cares? But if you want to enjoy a mug of coffee, you do not want an instant coffee. Oh, Benito's the one being thirsty now. That wasn't toast making that noise. That was Benito. Dropped his pen. Dropped his penito. Benito drops his penito, and we'll hear from Esther Benito very shortly. But if she says instant coffee, she's out on her ear. Yeah, she will be out on her ear. Which would be a shame. It will be a shame. Because I'm looking forward to talking to Esther. And instant coffee was suggested by Luke Fuller on Twitter. Ah, Fuller Coffee. Is he Fuller Coffee? He must be Fuller Coffee. But not instant.

He's not instant, but he is. Luke's Fuller Coffee. He's Fuller Coffee. Thank you, Luke. Also, before we hear from Esther, should remind you that I am on tour doing my show Electric from September. I'm doing more tour dates of that. So going all over the place, including including Dublin and Belfast as well. Ah, lovely. So without further ado, this is the off-menu menu of Esther Benito. Welcome, Esther, to the Dream Restaurant. Hello. Hello. Welcome, Esther Benito, to the Dream Restaurant. I've been expecting you for some time. Surprise me. First things first. May we call you the Great Benito? Yes. I like the fact that that sounds like you've discussed that before.

Well, as soon as I came in, James went, I'm going to call Esther the Great Benito. He was so excited about it. Well, we've got the Great Benito here. So you would be the Great Benito for the podcast. Is that OK with you? And sometimes you might slip into going, Benito. Whatever. But that's just because we say Benito like that. So don't say it. We've not decided we're going to bully you by going, Benito. You remember that song, that Justin Bieber song? There's Percito. So the amount of times I got welcomed on stage were people going, Esther Benito. I can't believe we've, I mean, Benito looks devastating now because now he knows for the next two years, it's going to be, Great Benito.

Great Benito, do you like food? Do you have foodie? I am. Does anyone say no, though, to that? People often just see it as fuel. Shirk the label of foodie. Like if we ask them if they're a foodie, they go, well, I like food, but I'm not like a foodie because I think foodie has connotations of being like a, you know stuff. I love the fact that I can only see one of your eyes. This looks to me like you're wearing an eye patch. I've got the other one closed. It's like you're just... Ed could pull off an eye patch, I think. Do you think? Yes. I think you could pull it off. In what sense? I think it would still look cool. I think people would be like, yeah, that's cool. It's got an eye patch. Yeah, it's got an eye patch on that's cool. Do you have a next show wearing

an eye patch and never reference it? Yeah, I might do, actually. Just be like, this is me now. This is me now and I'll never tell you what happened. Do the show and see, I mean... I mean, my audience would mention it immediately. Yeah, yeah. First, I just chant it. Eye patch. Straight away. Eye patch. Why are you wearing an eye patch, mate? I was going to get away with it. I've been in Ed's audience and it's kind of contagious. You feel yourself turning into a beast. Is it just filled with animals? I want to know about your audience now. They're actually very lovely. They're all from... James' audience on the other hand are genuine beasts. Yeah, yeah. But they know it. They know it. They love you very much. They're very

aggressively loyal to James Acaster. On his online audience, yeah. Oh, okay. His actual live audience hot morons. Yeah, basically, really, my live audience are the people that the online audience are trying to protect me from. Just lots of women just throwing... I don't know. I get loads of women who come and watch my show because I talk about marital life and kids and stuff, but they drag a man with them. So 50% of my audience are men who have been forced against their will and they're just staring at me. So now I have had to write a whole chunk about that just so they know I'm aware of it. I know you don't want to be here, but you're here now. So all right, let's just crack on. I do get that, but worse in that it's not

just one man who's been dragged with. It's normally both parents. Oh, because, okay. So two-thirds of my audience don't want to be there. Yeah, yeah. I'd take my parents to see you. I wouldn't take my parents to see me, but I'd take them to see you. Or James, but not me. I've got a very upsetting bit in my new show, which upsets all the parents and the children. It's very rude. Oh, I guess all the children... I've never heard you in their parents. Oh, okay. Violently rude. I get away with it. I just, you know, wink, but it's under the eye patch a lot of the time. The pirate costume is to try to distract me. You just go down a Johnny Deerey. Don't listen to me. Look at the hook. Foodie's quite a modern term, isn't it? Yeah, I think so. That's what people

say now. They're like, such a foodie. It annoys me, actually. Doesn't it? Yeah. Yeah, you consider yourself a foodie. Did I just say that? Yeah, you did. We've got it on tape. Yeah. We've got evidence. I don't remember a lot of the stuff I've said. Fine. So I've annoyed myself that I've said it. Yeah, yes. No, because like, you like food, you like cooking, but foodie now has come like this kind of snobbery with food. Like, oh, I understand food a bit more than you. Yeah, I'm that guy. And that's a load of, oh, right. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But he does understand food more, you see? Because we do this pod together. Everyone's always asking me, like, you know, I might get a text from friends or, you know, other comics being like, hey,

where's good going out tonight looking for a Mexican place? Where's good to eat? And I'm just like, ask Ed. Mexico. Here's, here's Ed's phone number. I wouldn't know. And you should ask Ed, because he wouldn't know. Yeah. I do actually regularly get texts from people going, James said to ask you. Yeah. Oh, you see, I, yeah, when people talk about restaurants as if you know them and they're like, oh, I went to San Jose and I'm like, I don't know what that means. I never go out. Do you go out? Yeah, I go out. All right. We haven't got kids. Of course. Yeah. We do what we like. I know. That's like when James said it was like, do you not really like hang out with comics and stuff? And I'm like, I never go out. I never see anyone. Let's just see my house.

That's pre-record just for the listener. Yeah. That's the kind of chat we have pre-record. Do you never hang out with comics or anything? Do you ever sit down and... I'm not sure if you've got no friends. No, I don't. We like to get very good teds just before. Unless they're comics who are prepared to come into my house. Yeah. Oh, those comics are those, those comics who will cross the breach. Let's list the comedians who've been in your house. Do you not want to guess? Yes. Fatih El Gori. Yes. Right. Great. Fatih comes round. Yeah. What makes me laugh, though, is that Fatih will come round and my husband still doesn't grasp that she's practicing Muslim.

Anybody like, do you want a beer? I'm just making a sausage sani. Do you want one? And she's like, I can't believe I have to have this conversation every time I come around the house. Out of everyone I know who is Muslim, she is the only person who I think would have a beer just to be contrary. Yeah. The first time he doesn't offer a beer, she'll get angry at home. She'll get angry at home. But I mean, they've got a weird flirty relationship anyway. I just took out, it's terrifying. Who else has been around my house? Lily Phillips. Yeah. Yeah. She's been around my house. I love it. I'm loving this. Rich Wilson. Yeah. He's been around my house. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Rich Wilson. Shappie Korsandi. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She's been on the pod. She's been on the pod.

I think, are they the only ones that have been around my house? No, Josh Jones. Josh Jones. Yeah. Only the porch, though. Jones not getting invited into the main body of the house. What does he have to do to get over the porch? No, he did come into the house. It was mainly just waiting for a taxi. I was like, you can wait there, Josh Jones. No, I love Josh Jones. I think that's it. That's solid. So it's a pretty exclusive list. There must have been others. What was Rich Wilson doing in there? This is what the listeners want to hear. He came round to pick me up. He's been around a few times to take my husband's car. Oh,

interesting. All right. Use my husband's car. Oh, use your husband's car, rather than take your husband's car. He doesn't come around to steal your husband's car. He comes round to use the car. Your husband doesn't look at the window and go, Fucking Rich Wilson's taking my car again. Rich Wilson's doing this again. Insane of the men brain that guy. That's a pod. Well, we always start with still of spark and water, the great Minito. So do you not start with making people list who's been around their house? Only, yeah. Sorry, we normally do that, yeah. Normally.

What comics have been in your house? Ed and I, we both moved to house just before the pandemic. So we probably haven't got many comedians that have been in our house. No, that's true. I can't, I mean, probably not even five. I can't even make it up to five. No. Comedians don't tend to do the kindness, go around each other. Once you have children, that's how you socialize. You invite your friends around, you get drunk. Yeah. The kids go off and play. Yeah. We do a bit of that, but then I guess, yeah, no one could come around for ages. No. And then I've only got four friends. So it's not going to tip over into five.

That's a really good number to have. I'm very suspicious. You know, when you like go on people's stag or hen parties and it's like 48 people and I'm like, yeah, these aren't, this isn't real. No, I didn't even have one. You don't want these people here. No. Hell, hell on earth. Sorry. Ed Nish, Joel Domet, Rose Johnson, Dan Cook, that might be it. Oh, there you go. Joel Domet just, just the once. No, because we interviewed Luzanda's in your flat. Oh yeah, we did. We just loved you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she was there.

So Luz been there. Yeah. Oh, Jess Foster, you came round to record her part. This is loads, mate. I'm just wondering. Man, it's a hyperactivity. I don't think Jess has been round to mine. Not been round to mine. No. James, the edge. Tom Crane. Oh, yeah, Tom Crane's been on mine. I just want to make people up now. Michael McIntyre, he came for a sleepover.

Oh, which one's been to mine, actually? For his pod. God, we're just about everywhere. Oh, I love it. Castel in touch, though. There you go. I think only three have been round to mine. Yeah, there you go. Still sparkling water. I'm sorry. Sparkling. Sparkling. Interesting, because now, here's what I think is going to happen now,

is that we're going to talk about how sparkling water is sometimes seen as a bit wankerish, and you're going to go, yeah, I hate sparkling water. Oh, no. And then you're going to realise you said it earlier. Oh, God, is it wankerish? No, I'm a bit of a sparkling water wanker. The same as people say. Are you? Like, I won't just buy sparkling water.

It's got to be sand, pelling grit. I can't even say it. Don't you dare pretend. Palling grit, pelling. No, no, no, no. I can't say it. Okay. Let me try. I'm not a toddler, James. He's like, no, she can sound out the word herself. James lives for stuff like this.

Pellegrino. Pellegrino. There you go. I think you knew how to say that. I feel like there's an extra syllable in there. No, it's Pellegrino. Pellegrinio. Yeah, that's exactly right. That's how you pronounce it.

And waiters just stand there going, say it properly. But you thought it was Pellegrino at one point. Pellegrino. Pellegrino. Pellegrino. Pellegrino. Yes. Say it quickly three times in a row. No. But you buy that for the house?

Five comments have been in. Do I have it in the house? I have sparkling water in the house. I don't think it's that though. I do buy it, but I don't think I've got that in the house at the moment. I think I've got some kind of Highland sparkling water. Oh, okay.

Yeah, I know the stuff. Why is it Pellegrino specifically? I just like the taste of it. I don't know why. It goes well when you've got your lemons in it. When you've got your lemons. You put your lemons in there, in the bottle or in a jug? In a glass.

You put your lemons in. Okay. Because I eat quite a lot of lemon. This is the stuff. This is what we're talking about. Yes. How much lemon are you eating? I probably eat a lemon a day.

What? I've never met anyone who eats a lemon a day. Also saying you eat a lemon a day. I've just got visions of you like just popping in a whole slice and chewing it down. Yeah, I do. I eat it like an orange. Hang on.

I didn't image the whole... What would you say? But James keeps looking at me like, I don't understand what she is. What is it? Correct. You eat just like by the slice like an orange? Yeah.

Like the segments. Yeah. Really? Yeah. What you cut... So you cut the segments off. Do you bite the middle out basically? No, I peel it.

And then I eat it like an orange. Are you peel it like an orange and then eat the segments? Yeah. Hang on. No, but an orange you'd peel whole, right? Yeah. But a lemon doesn't react the same way. You can't peel a lemon the same way.

Pretty much does. Does it? Yeah. Does it? Oh, I know that. Yeah, you bite them. Can we get a lemon in here? Yeah.

Can we get a lemon in here and see this? Bonito. I'd like the listeners to please homework. Film yourself peeling a lemon with your hands like you would an orange. So peel a lemon like an orange. Use the hashtag. Peeling a lemon like an orange.

I don't mind a bit of skin. And let's see. But I also don't mind a bit of skin. Like if you get a slice of lemon in your drink in the pub, I would eat the whole thing, including the skin. Including the skin. Yeah, just eat the whole thing. But I wouldn't be able to eat a lemon's worth of skin.

So you wouldn't eat a lemon like an apple? No. But you peel it like an orange. How have you been eating lemon like this? Oh, ever since I was, I don't know. Ever since you were in the Navy in the 19th century? Yes. It was definitely a preventative method against scurvy.

I don't know. I just, ever since as long as I can remember. I did get to a point where, so now I have to use loads of enamel like paste and I have to have like gum shields with enamel in. Oh, because you've been on so many. And also because the salads and stuff that I make, I like really drench it in lemon as well.

Do you? Yeah. Do you like vinegar as well? You like acidic tastes? Yeah. I'm much more, I don't have a sweet tooth. It's like very much sour. See, my wife is the same in that she loves lemon.

I've never seen her eat lemon like an orange. Oh, she will now? Yeah, I bet she will. Oh, it's a slippery slope, that first one. But loves like so much vinegar and stuff. I think I've said it on the pod before. She goes to get chips from the chip shop. Oh, yeah.

She makes the guys stand there and just squeeze the vinegar in for about an hour and a half. Yeah, I can get on board with that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So you get up in the morning and like just slice a bit off a lemon and pop it straight in. No, so I get up in the morning and I would,

because I go running in the morning, so I put the lemon in my water and then I go running. And when I come back, I'll then down that water, so it's quite lemony. And then I make a juice with like maybe a couple of lemons, bit of ginger, carrot. Do you take the lemon on the road when you run? No.

No, you just put the lemon in ready, go out for a run, come back. Yeah, so when you come back, it's all lemony. You've got your lemony water. So you attach a rod to your back with a lemon, a lemon dangling over the side of it. So when you're running, you're chasing the lemon. Lemon, lemon, lemon.

You do that? Yeah, no, I do do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So a lemon a day, that's great. So you're getting through seven lemons a week, if I'm calculation. Oh, I get through a lot of lemons. But if you go like to the, you know, like the Turkish supermarkets and stuff,

you get like, you know, a lot of lemons for about eight for a pound Oh, I mean, I let you to a little secret. Sainsbury's can get lemons as well. Yeah, but they're more expensive and they're not as easy to peel. You don't get them. Ah, cheaper at the Turkish supermarkets, this is what we're saying. I thought you were giving us a tip for waking by lemons.

I thought you were like, hey guys. Yeah, you look like a couple of lads who are very vitamin C deficient. You can get them at the Turkish supermarkets. Yeah, okay. I don't know if you know where to buy them. But those Turkish guys have got it coloured. I do, yeah, I'm a bit of a foodie.

Yeah. Text it where you want to go for a meal. But text me if you're wondering where to buy a lemon. If you want lemons. Pop it up, it's all bread. Pop it up, it's all bread. The great Minito. Pop it up, it's all bread.

What? Pop it up, it's all bread. Oh, pop it up. I thought you said problems all bread. I was like, oh. All right, do you interpret it however you want? I'd have pop it up. Yeah, big fan.

Oh, I love a pop it up. Yeah, yeah. How many pop it up do you have in a day? Do you put one in some water for when you go for a ride? No, I don't do that. I don't do that actually. I just eat them with my curries. Yes.

Would you ever have a pop it on outside of a curry situation? What, just like a snack? No, I don't think I would. Oh, maybe those little, you know, the sensations. Oh, yeah. Like coriander and lime. We've not talked about those for a while. Pop it on.

No, because they were, you get the mango chutney. There was an episode early on where I was trying to think of them for the whole episode. Because I remember that I dipped something in sour cream and it was quite nice and I couldn't think of it for most of the episode. You see, I like dipping those in yogurt. Plain yogurt and that's my little treat. Well, we know what your treat is and it's not that.

I'll be honest. You are now painting a picture of quite a weird home eating life. So when I come home from a gig or whatever and I've got like a train journey, I get a little pot of yogurt and some of those Thai sensation crisps and then pop a dom crisps and then just dip them in the yogurt. Just on the train. Plain pot of yogurt. Plain yogurt and crisps.

Pop it on crisps. Yeah, I love yogurt and crisps. Oh, lemon. Yeah. No, I don't need a whole lemon on a train. No, I might get some funny looks. That is too far. Yeah, not anyone thinking you're weird.

Just get a little bit of plain yogurt and pop a dom crisps. I like to just balance out the alkaline and acidity. Yeah, no, I think it's a nice idea. I mean, just plain yogurt is basically a dip anyway, isn't it? Yeah, exactly. Exactly. If you got onto the train with your bag of pop a dom crisps and your yogurt. I wish for the embarrassing that in front of people.

So I do under a blanket. Yeah, I get like a huge blanket and just like throw it over the seat in front of me and then just create like a little tent. Yeah, like the French do when they eat that little bird. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, because so God can't see their shame or whatever. Yeah, there's a French dish. Is it autolane?

Autolane, I think it is. No, from the signets in succession. And they eat this tiny little like songbird thing and they eat it including the beak and stuff. But traditionally you have to do it under a blanket so God can't see how disgusting you are. Do you do that with the yogurt? Do that with the yogurt?

Yeah, that's what I do. Well, if you got onto the train and realised because you were in a rush when you got out of your gig and you'd accidentally bought an apricot yogurt, are you still dipping it? No, I don't eat sweet yogurt. No? No, I never eat sweet yogurt. Wow, that's really...

What's this fucking attitude about sweet stuff? James is worried now because you clearly have an attitude about sweet things. Are you got a real sweet tooth? Yes. I haven't. But then, you know, it'd be a boring world, James. What, if we didn't eat desserts? Yeah, agreed.

I think the red flag for me with sweet tooth was when Esther said she eats a lemon a day. Yeah, it has no enamel on it either, whatever it was. Gums up to her eyeballs. Is the enamel thing... Is that directly down to the amount of acidity you have? Yeah, I remember when I was like a kid and they said you've got to stop eating so much fruit like citrus fruit. No kid has ever been told to stop eating fruit.

That's mad. It's like you're a spiky monkey or something. I do eat a lot of fruit, but it was mainly the lemons. Mainly the lemons. Yeah. That's so funny. Yeah. As a kid.

Oh, please, please. Esther has to stop it. Her teeth are like pieces of chalk. I love it. I love it. So we're going poppadoms. Do you want a little plain yogurt on the side? Yeah.

We can bring the sensations with the yogurt if you like. Yeah, I'll have a bit of lime pickle and a bit of yogurt if that's all right. Yeah, of course. Yeah. I don't mind a bit of... Oh, do you know what some of those Indian restaurants do? It's like that sweet coconut sweet. Oh, hello.

There you go. Back in business. That coconut powdery stuff. Have you ever had that? It's like sweet coconut powder. Just desiccated coconut. Yeah. Yeah, you want a bit of that?

Yeah, I love a bit of that as well. I'll tell you what we'll do for you. We'll bring you... And some of the onion. Plain yogurt and lime pickle, but we're going to put it in like a crunch corner pot. Yeah. No.

No? Then I will throw it on the floor. Fair enough. But do you want the full poppadoms that you get in an Indian restaurant, or do you want the sensations poppadoms? Full poppadoms that you get in an Indian restaurant. Okay. Yeah.

Do you want a massive pot of yoghurt's diplomat? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just like a barrel. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, a barrel of yoghurt. No, I do break up the poppadom to dip it in.

I don't just dunk it in like a giant digestive biscuit. If you've got the mini ones into a pot of yoghurt, I thought that's the sensation you enjoy. So when you're a big one, like a frisbee size, and you can dip that into a big barrel of yoghurt. Yes. That's what, yeah, that's how I behave in restaurants. Yeah.

That's just what I do. I haven't been out in so long, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just like shoveling food. Follow-up question. Yeah. If you got on a train and you saw someone sitting there, and they were dipping sensations into a pot of yoghurt,

and they had a lemon next to them, and it was a man, would you leave your husband? Yes. Instantly. Yeah. Instantly. Oh, no, it's true love. Yeah.

Yeah. When you call your husband and tell him, we would have the gummiest snog ever on our wedding day. I'm leaving you, I found a yoghurt and lemon man. I'm leaving you and your husband goes, yoghurt and lemon man. No, we're there. I'm coming to find you.

Rich Wilson's stuck in the car. What's that? You're a motherfucker. You're a motherfucker. Let's get into your menu proper. Starter, your dream starter. My dream starter is like a maser, or like in England, everyone calls it maser, don't they?

In Lebanon, we call it maser. So you've got all your dips and your breads, and I would have a selection of dips. I would have bubble ghanoush, so the aubergine dip. I would have some tabbouleh, and I would have some hummus, but with the shawelma meat cup in it, with bread. This is so good.

I absolutely love this stuff. Yeah. The hummus with the lamb in the middle. Like, oh my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good stuff. Call it hummus belahmi in Arabic, and it's my favourite.

It's my absolute favourite. I believe someone has picked this before, and it was Fadir. Was it? Pick this as a starter as well. Oh, really? How do you know about this? What is that?

This is one of the best, my husband, amastars. Okay, all right. Well, that's interesting. Look, you don't need to change it. I think it's a fantastic choice. And you've got all the other bits around it as well. Yeah. What did she want, just the hummus?

I said she wanted that as a side dish. It was her side dish, yeah. She wanted six slices of homeless toast. That was her starter, yeah, six slices of homeless toast, yeah. It's very bread heavy, actually, her entire menu, from what I remember. Yeah, she did have this as a side. She likes eating tripe.

Yeah. And she was seething that I don't like tripe. And I'll be honest with you, I've never tried it, but it's never appealed. Yeah, yeah. She was just like, you don't like tripe, do you? Yeah, I quite like tripe. Is it a very gamey taste?

Yeah, it's sort of farmyard-y, I'd say. But also, I'd say partly I enjoy the taste, and then I'd say 50% of my enjoyment is telling people I eat tripe. Yeah. She loves it. I would say that Ed doesn't become incredulous whenever people don't like tripe.

No, I know why people don't like tripe. Yeah, whereas Fatty, I will... Yeah, she gets incredulous about most things I do. She's always seen them. Always been bollock-burst. I just had some lovely tripe tacos, actually. No, you did, Ed. I did.

I believe him. I was in San Francisco, and I went to a place that does weird cuts of meat, or the more sort of less traditional... Is tripe the look of it? Is it kind of like quite ridgy? Yeah, I mean, it's all sorts. I mean, tripe's a big old mix-up

of the guts and stuff and tubes and all that. But they did it very crispy, so it was super crispy. It didn't even really taste like tripe. That's the only time I've had it. It's super crispy, and I couldn't finish it. Right. I remember my sister was vegan, and we were in Lebanon, and they served Sam...

Sam's? Lambs? Not Sam's testicles. That's our old Sam. Which Sam, before we continue with the story, if there was any Sam in the world who you had to eat the deep-fried testicles? Yeah.

Who would you... I don't know any Sam's. Sam's famous Sam's. Feynman's Sam? Feynman's Sam's. No, that feels all kind of wrong. I am not saying. On a podcast that I would eat Feynman's Sam's testicles.

Medium rare. Medium rare. But they served Lambs testicles, and my dad told her that they were a special type of potato. And she ate one, and she kept going, oh, it tastes really eggy. What is it? What is it?

I mean, imagine falling for that. She went mental. Yeah. She went absolutely mental. Yeah, he was an ass. It's a cool trick. I love him very much, but he's an ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is a potato. Yeah. It's because he was seething that she was vegan. Yeah. He was seething about it. She was vegan? Yeah, she was vegan. I've missed that part in the story.

Yeah. She was vegan at the time. Yeah. How old was she? This is a bad man. She was in her teens, and she was going through the whole, you know, this is the right thing to do.

And she kept lecturing him about it, and I think it was his way of going. Oh, get one over, and I'll make you eat a Lambolla. Yeah. That was sore out. She couldn't have been a great vegan if she fell for that being a type of potato, though. Did you put it in a hole?

Did you put it in a hole, or did she cut into it? You know. That's a potato. That's a potato. Yeah. No, do you know what? Like, the way that they were cooked. That's put me off eating a lamb dish.

I wouldn't eat it. Yeah, I mean, I'm not up for eating that, or tripe, I'll be honest with you. What about heart or brain? No. No. The only thing I've ever cooked is liver, and I didn't like that.

And that's fairly traditional. Yeah, yeah, liver's pretty, but the heart of brain is like... Yeah. Have you eaten heart or brain? Yeah. Oh, of course. I had some recently amazing restaurant

called Mangal 2 in Dalston, Lam Heart Pee Day, and it's just incredible. So good. Right. But it's like sliced really thinly and cut really rare, and it's, yeah, really nice.

Mmm. No? Not selling it to me, I've got to say. I'm not hugely into meat. Right, that definitely is. I mean, if you've said that at the top, I wouldn't have asked you if you'd eat heart. Like I do.

Yeah. All those questions. F my eye, I'm vegan. No, I do eat meat, but I'm not a massive meat person. Fair enough. I like red meat. I like lamb, and I like beef,

but I wouldn't, yeah, I'm not into like hearts. Scrutin' this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never had a scrotum. That's the one thing I've never seen on a menu. You would, though. I think if it was on a menu at a place I liked, I'd trust them with it,

and I'd say, give us a scrotum. If Esther's dad tried to trick you, and you go, that's a potato, and you ate it, and you go, that was a bollock, you'd go, I love it. So if you've come round... Because my dad's there, he can cook really good Lebanese food,

and he could cook you a testicle. I'd love that. There you go. I'd absolutely love that. But what about a scrotum? Do you reckon he could do a scrotum? Hang on. Yeah.

What? I'm... Hang on. Oh, someone doesn't know the difference. This is great. You don't know the difference. I birthed a man, and I don't know... Oh, this is great.

This couldn't have gone better. What is the difference between a... Hang on. Isn't it the testicles... Oh, it's the scrotum, the whole thing. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Again, don't tell her. Let, let, let, let, let, let, let you guess it.

Oh, this is like the... I feel like this is a tab more embarrassing than the Pellegrino. I mean, I wouldn't normally ask you just to do this, but do you want to tell the audience your age before we play just this person? Do you know the difference between a testicle and a scrotum? I'm 39.

Married 17 years. So the testicles are the tubes. No, the tube is the Vandeference, isn't it? Well, that's amazing that you're throwing around phrases like Vast Deference. Vast Deference is the tube. Is that the tube? I don't even know that.

The semen travels down. Okay, yeah. This is really annoying me now. I just want to, I really want to hit you both because I'm so angry. Where do you want to hit us? Because you're just looking at me like, oh my God. And I'm like, I don't know.

This is brilliant. No, because you've got the penis. So how many people have got the penis? The long one. Yeah, that's how long we just drew on the table. You've got the two balls, which are the testicles. Yes. So what's the scrotum?

What else is there? This is the question. What else is there, indeed? What else is there? This is the best moment of the whole podcast we've ever done. But the two, can I give some clues now? Well, I don't know.

Maybe I'll quiz you on the female one. I don't know, because I don't even know about that. How many holes are there? The two balls. How are they there? How do they stay there? In the sac? Yes.

But I said that. Is that not the scrotum? That's the, you didn't say it was the sac. You said, is the hole fit, is the hole fit? Yeah, you said it's the whole thing. The whole thing is not the scrotum. The scrotum is essentially the packaging. The scrotum is the sac.

The sac, yes. Oh. But I thought the whole thing, it was like a cumulative term. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. The whole thing is, no, no, no, no. Do you know what? I really don't know much about anatomy.

I realise that. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. This is when James starts to try and do a quiz. So. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We won't do a quiz, will we? No, because you know when your kids get to an age, and they're like, and puberty's like not far off,

and they're like asking questions, and I was like, I don't know. No, that's normal. I don't even know what happens. But what are we? Ball's dropping. And where are they to begin with? Sure.

No, what happens? How, well, I mean, where it's dropping, it's probably quite a, you know, a generous term. They're not dropping a great height. No, no, it's not a great distance. As this question was, does it just go into the sac? It's not, there's not a big, empty sac. That you had to like a chicken.

A big old man, a big old man's sac. Chicken laying around. I'm imagining like a postal sack down there. Listen for the bloop. And they go, bloop. Oh, they dropped. Yeah, I need to read a book. It all, yeah, it doesn't, they don't plop down.

Well, you see, my parents never had this chat. We just went through it and you weren't allowed to talk about it. Yeah, I think it's the best way. Call me, call me old fashioned. Yeah, just crack on. I think just let them get on with it, right? Like everyone's always like, then talk about it. And I'm like, oh, well, you know, I don't know.

You should talk about it with your kids so you don't want them. I might just phone Ed up and put him on loudspeaker. I'll be back in 15 minutes. I love him, still not allowed to come around to your house, even for that. Don't want to make it number six. Number six, as Gamble came out and conducted such education class. Bit of a, bit of a left turn that one. Turned out with a chalkboard.

Yeah. Me taking you kids about testicles. Your dad looking at it like it's a menu. It's very confusing for your poor children. Grandpa says there's a potato. He probably would have done if we asked. Oh, you're talking about the whole package. We know about this.

Well, it is a package. It's all together. I think you two are being finicky. Finickety, finickety. Well, yeah, what would be? It's Aunt Bella Greene. Yeah. Okay.

Well, that's all that to say. You want some, not meze, but some. Meza. Meza. You're dream main course. My dream main course would be a prawn vindaloo. Yes, please. And some more poppadoms, some pilau rice, and a side of onion writer.

Nice. Now I want the vindaloo made with chilies, not chili powder. That is a pet peeve of mine. Gone. You know, when you go to a restaurant and it's just hot, but without the taste of chilies. Sure. And you're like, you've just put a load of chili powder in here.

I want the chilies, because it's the taste. Yeah. I don't think I've ever thought about that before, really. No. But that must be the difference between. Yeah, when you get a curry and it's just essentially, the sauce has no like chopped onions, chopped tomatoes, just quite a pure aid sauce.

And then loads of chili powder. You're like, no, I want the chilies. I want to see the chilies. I want the taste of the chilies. Yeah. You want that sort of fruity. That fruity essence is really getting into it without you. Yeah.

That's why I want it. Yeah. Completely agree. The flavor is very important. I'm glad you've gone prawn as well. Yeah. I think the best curry I've had in the country was in Buxton, in a curry house called, I think it's palace something.

Get down there, ASAP. They'll just be. Indian palace is what it's called. It's called palace something. And bloody amazing. Wrong curry. And that's definitely with chilies. Yes.

Not chili powder. The flavor, that was what was amazing about it. It was so hot, but like so much flavor. Yeah. It was great. Oh, I love a vindaloo. I don't think I've ever had a vindaloo, you know. Oh, I love making curry.

Yeah. And I do love, I just have a really hot curry. And I think the more chili you eat, the more you become used to it. Like now I can, I can put a lot of chilies in my curry and it will taste spicy. How does that go down with the rest of the house if you're cooking that at home?

I have to cook two separate. Right. Just your own personal curry. And then a curry for everyone else. Me and my husband, and then a curry for everyone else. So he likes it. He likes it super hot as well. Well, he says he does, but all the sweating and crying

and something, and of course it begs to differ, but he refuses to eat from the children's curry. It's like a masculinity thing. Yeah, he's just there going, well, she's not even going to learn what a scrotum is. I will eat this curry and prove my manhood. Yeah. And he doesn't like to make it,

just in case he chops the chilies and accidentally touches himself on the testicles. On the bare testies. Which are on his shoulders. Yes. So you've got two curries going on. What's the kids' curry? Is it just yours, but without the chili?

Yeah, just make it with that. Yeah, I just get a curry, but without the chilies. Nice and easy. Nice and easy. And they're into that? Yeah, they do not have a curry. Do they ever go, have they ever asked, because if I was a kid, I would be like,

can I try the growing up curry? No, mine never have. They don't even curious. No, no. Have you thought about like micro dosing them with chilies every time you make it, see if you can bring the heat level up? No, I've never thought of that.

You should try and do it. Okay. This is why you'd be a great dad, man. Yeah. You've got to have kids. Have a bit of fun. The sex ed, the chili prep. It's all there.

You're going to be amazing. It's like parenting is wasted on actual parents. That's what I think. Yeah, I want to have fun with it. Oh, I'm absolutely terrible. We would have a laugh. I'm absolutely terrible. It's mainly chicken nuggets,

but the odd time that I do make a meal. But you're a great mum. I heard you talk about it in your stand-up, and that was a great mum you are. And also, you've got a lot of maternal instincts. I've not told James about this. The first time we met, within 10 minutes, you showed me a photo of you with your pet rabbit,

and you put a nappy on it. What? Oh, I've got a new rabbit, and I put her in a nappy as well. What the? What is going on? No, don't. Because also,

it wasn't shown to me as like, oh, look at what I did. How ridiculous is this? It was like, I just love putting my rabbit in a nappy. No, because he's so cute. You're a nappy in a nappy? Yeah. What do you talk about, Esther?

Why have you done that? Because he's so cute, and then I get all, like, broody, because I'm not going to have another child, and I get so broody. I'm like, no, I just want to put it, and then I put him in a nappy, and just throw a cute photo,

and then I showed Ed, and I didn't know Ed was going to throw it back in my face. Had you shown it to anyone else before, the rabbit in a nappy? No, I just showed it to Ed and Sarah Pascoe. I just meant... Worst two people, I tell you what. Absolutely everyone in the industry

knows about that photo now. Well, it's because she was pregnant at the time, and she was like, oh, my God, I'm so excited to have a baby, and I was like, look at my rabbit. Look at my rabbit. Look at my baby. Yeah, yeah, there you are.

I've got one, too. It's an amazing photo as well, because it's not a posed photo. I think your husband took that photo of you. No, my kids took it. Your kids took it. No, my husband wouldn't know I've approved of that.

It's like you're looking down the camera and clearly going, don't fucking take a photo of me. I was like, oh, my God, this is... Like, no, I was saying, don't tell Dad, because he'll be like, don't tell Dad, because he'll say, no, that's not all right. But I'm like, kids, let's put the rabbit in a nappy. Mummy's going to breastfeed your little brother now.

You've got the kids involved. You've got the kids to help you nappy the rabbit. Yeah. Well, they were well up for it. Oh, come on, if you were a kid, and your mum was like, let's go and put the rabbit in a nappy. You know, I've never thought... Sure, sure.

You'd be like, yeah, I'm well up for that. That sounds really fun. I think it was pretty funny until the rabbit started kicking around on the... Should we be doing this one? No, we only took the photo. He liked it, actually. He snuggled down in it.

Yeah, he was pretty snuggly in the photo. He was pretty snuggly. Did you make a little hole for his tail to pop out of? Well, he said it naturally came out of the size. What was the rabbit's name? I really wish I hadn't shown you that picture. That my rabbit is called... One's called Twitcher and the other one's called Lavender.

Who was the one I saw in the nappy? That was Twitcher. Okay, so... I've also put Lavender in it. Yeah, Lavender's been put in the nappy. Love it. But Lavender, when I got her, she was like a tiny bunny.

And so we put her in the nappy and she's literally just like, little eyes and ears going, no, no, no, no. So, sorry, I can't help it. No, it's the term we again. Sorry, like, obviously kids the second time, yeah? Kids involved with Lavender putting the nappy on as well?

Yeah. I think the kids had friends around on a play date, so we all got... We all got on it. Yeah, oh, great. Yeah, those kids were in the nappy. Can I just say, I'm a really good pet owner. What did you do today?

I went over to my friend's mum's house. Oh, yeah, how was that? Yeah, we all put a nappy on a rabbit and she was eating a lemon like an apple. Okay, we'll never go in there again. We had potatoes for lunch. Do you have Twitcher have the nappy on for long enough to use the nappy?

Yes. No, it was just for the photo. Don't say it like that, that's silly. It was just for... They wouldn't stay in it. It's because they're house rabbits, so they just slip around. So I just picked them up, popped them in the nappy,

took a quick pick, offy, offy popped. Offy popped. Offy popped. It's, I think they should start, you know, in nappy adverts, when they use the example of pouring the blue stuff on, they should just put it on a rabbit. No, do you know what you say, like,

the parents, the kids would have gone home and been like, and the parents go, when I got a rabbit, the parents started sending me, like, screen grabs of rabbit costumes that I could buy for the rabbit. So we're all just as weird as each other. We're all very broody

and not going to have more kids, so we're all just becoming weird around animals. Yeah. Yeah. What were some of the rabbit costumes that you remember? So for Christmas, he may have been in a little hat. Oh, hold on. So this was followed up.

No, so my friend ordered it, and so we had to take a photo of him in it. Yes. Is it a little Christmas hat or an elf hat? It was like, yeah, it was like a... Actually, it was a straw hat. With, like, Christmas tinsel around it. Oh.

And then the ears popped through. Oh, the ears, but something... Yeah. Yeah. The ears popping through. And a little scarf, like a little elf scarf. And that's the only costume. The only costume is the tinsel hat and the elf scarf.

Yeah. And the nappy. And the nappy. And the nappy, which isn't really a costume. The elf nappy. Can't call that a costume. But, yeah. I love it.

I hope they're okay, the rabbits. The rabbit chats just reminded me of something else I ate recently. Oh, I can't eat a rabbit. That you won't enjoy this for many reasons. Unless it's me, like, literally violently gnawing into my rabbit, because it's so cute. Wow. Don't you get like that, though?

Nope. Nope. I understand that instinct. You know, like, when something's so cute, you just want to... No. Oh, I get like that by children all the time. I get the, like, oh, something so cute that you don't necessarily know how to control it or where to invest it.

I get like that all the time. I think loads of mums do. Like, you have a baby and you're like, oh, my God, I just want to smother you in oil and cook you and then eat you. And just peel him from lemon and just eat you. And the dads are all like, really? That's just really weird. Yeah.

But I think mums... You're so disturbing what you just said. But anyway, I had the deep fried rabbit, like it was fried chicken, it was delicious, and then made a blood sausage with the rabbit's blood. Wow. That's... Not happy with that? Nothing funny about that.

Oh, no. The woman who said she wanted to eat her own baby's upset. I don't want to... Sorry, was that over the line? Dream side dish. Going for the writer or is it a different side dish? Yes, I thought my writer would be a side dish. But if I was going to have an extra, I'd have a sagaloo, I reckon.

Yeah. No, a sag bargy. Sagaloo's with potatoes, isn't it? Yeah. I don't sag bargy. Sag bargy, do you say? Sag bargy. OK.

So the spinach. Yeah, that's what I'd have as my side. Well, is that like an onion bargy, or is it? No, sag bargy's just like the spinach all cooked with onions. Nice. Yeah. OK. Yeah.

Yeah, we can do you that. OK. All right, I'll have that. Yeah, I'll have that for my main. That's all right. So we have different people come and do different approaches to the menu and the dream restaurant. Some people want the whole meal to go together.

Some people just want it to be their greatest hits, their favorites. You want a meal that goes together. I'm sensing. I mean, is that your favorite, like, if you get a takeaway or go out to a restaurant? Well-cuisine-wise. Yeah, I'd go for an Indian.

Yeah, definitely. And I guess you wouldn't necessarily go for, like, Lebanese food. Go out for Lebanese food or have it as a takeaway, because you can make it at home. Yeah. Don't often go for Lebanese. Yeah.

Who's the best cooking Lebanese food in your life? My dad. He's really good. Yeah? He's a really good chef. What's his specialty? Probably kofta, which is, like, cooked flat meat. And then it's covered with tomatoes and potatoes.

And it's, like, cooked in a lemon-like garlicky. Oh, a lemon. Got to have a lemon. Got to have a lemon in there. Well, I think that's why I eat so much lemon, because Lebanese food is so lemony. Is it? Is there anywhere brilliant, like,

restaurant-wise for Lebanese food that you wouldn't recommend? That you know of? To the list? Do I love Lebanese food? I'd like to eat more of it. Well, when we used to go out for Lebanese food, we always used to go to Marouche on Edgware Road.

Edgware Road's got loads of Lebanese places, right? Yeah, loads of Lebanese places. But Marouche, there was also Beirut Express. I don't know if Beirut Express is still there, but Marouche on Lebanese road on Edgware Road is very good. Yeah. You can call it Lebanese road.

Lebanese road. Yeah, true. You can. We can't. Yeah, we can't. I can't walk down there and go, bloody Lebanese road, no? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, it's all Lebanese and Syrian restaurants, but I think most of the people there are golfies. Golfies? Like Saudis, Kuwaitis. Oh, right. I thought you meant, like, people who play golf. Yeah, a lot of golf players. Yeah.

Like, foodies. Yeah. I'm going to go to Marouche. I think it's great, yeah. It's very famous, that restaurant, isn't it? Yeah. If you really want to go to a really posh, famous one, there's one opposite the Ritz called Fakhruddin.

Biggya, pardon? I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's, if you're opposite the Ritz and you look up, there's a restaurant at the top, and that's like, it's supposed to be the poshest. That's a type. Lebanese, yeah.

I don't want posh necessarily. It is very good. I've been there a couple of times, but it's quite fun. It's exciting. It is weird, though. Like, when we were talking about rabbit earlier, I thought about the last time I had rabbit,

was it the Walsy, as that was called? Because I was meeting up with Sindhu V. What's the Walsy? It's like, on the side of the Ritz, isn't it? Yeah, it's down. This is a bit further down, yeah. Yeah, Sindhu, she wants to do posh dine in every time. Yeah, it's fancy.

The Walsy's fancy. Yeah, so I was meeting up with Sindhu, and she was like, well, I'll book us a place. I was like, where are we going? And she was like, I will not dine anywhere else but the Walsy. And we went there, and I got, I had to grab it there. Yeah. Did you, was it nice?

I didn't love it, actually. Is it great? It was good. But it wasn't like, yeah, I was like, is that going to be my question about everything? Is it gamey? If you've learned that, it doesn't mean you're right. I am manically looking up terms.

Things to ask about food. Is it gamey? You could have asked us that question during the testicle. In the testicle scrotum debate. Yeah, it was nice, but it wasn't like, ah, this is the best, you know. Whatever, Sindhu got the souffle, and I was like, I should have got that.

That's the move at the Walsy, I think. It's a good breakfast as well, like, really. Yeah, yeah. Look at you two with your Ponzi restaurants. Oh, that's it. Sorry, has anyone been to a Toby Calvary? I don't think I have been to a Toby Calvary, actually. No, I've never been.

It's very gamey. Your favourite drink. See, now I'm expecting you to do like a Cobra, or a Kingfisher, or something like that. Oh, no. Now, the blank look on your face. Is it like the testicle situation? You don't know what those are.

I don't know their beers. Yeah, the beers, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, I wouldn't have either of those. Not a beer fan? I'll have a bottle of Corona every now and then, but I wouldn't have it during a meal. Good, because you can pick any drink you want. But not that.

Don't bring Corona into the situation. Yeah, yeah, come on. We're trying to take people's mind off the world. Oh, I see. Okay. Also, you only order Corona because they put a wedge of lime in the top, and you just pop it in.

Exactly, I do like that. You just bite the top of the bottle. Finish. I do like that. That's why I like that. I have another, please. If that's why I like it. But it's full.

Keep racking them up. Six Coronas, please. Sucking them up. This is the line that comes up. No. No. No, I would have a Prosecco. Prosecco.

Nice. I know. No, it's good. So you're sick, innit? But that's all I drink, really. Is it? Yeah. Any particular type of Prosecco?

Do you have a favorite brand, the Prosecco, or is it just any old Prosecco? No, just any Prosecco. Gallons are the stuff. I've had a really nice Prosecco when it's slightly drier. Yeah. But some of it's very sweet.

I'm not a big Carver fan, but I like Prosecco. I like Champagne. Can't afford it, though. So that's how I like it. This is your dream meal. Oh, all right, then. Oh, yeah, I forget that.

Go on. This is how I like myself, Steve is. I'm like, oh, yeah. Even in your dream, really. Even in my dream. Can't afford that. Can't afford Champagne. Would you have Carver in a Carvere?

Oh, yeah, nice. Oh, no, I wouldn't. No? I wouldn't. I wouldn't have. Just to say you've done it. Tick that one off the bucket list. Oh, I'll have Champagne, then.

Any particular type of Champagne? I'll have a glass of Rose Moe. Oh, no. I love a Rose Champagne. I'm not sure I know the difference in taste. I don't think I know the difference in taste. It feels more fun. But my husband bought me a bottle

when I did live at the Apollo, and it felt just very special, the fact that it was Rose Anne. Yeah, I think so. I was like, look at you. I like the sound of this guy. Yeah. That's a nice thing to do.

Yeah, he's a sweetheart. He's an absolute babe. My wife didn't buy me anything when I was on the Apollo. No, I remember. She phoned me to check. She said, should I get him something? I said, yeah.

She went, what if I can't be bothered? My, I had Shappie with me backstage, and I said to her, will you come and be with me? She's like, do you want your husband with you? And I was like, no, because you'll stress me out. And then she's like, OK, fine. So she came and she was sat in the green room, and then she was like, shall I go and find Neil?

See if he's all right. And then she went out. This is the story of how she ended up in your house. And then they're not together. And then she went and found him, and she comes back about literally about 45 minutes later. She was like, yesterday you're so nervous out there. Honestly, I've had to go and get him a drink and calm him down.

Like, he's absolutely shitting himself. I'm like, oh, is he? Is he shitting himself? I'm chill as fuck back here. That was very, that's sweet though. When I did live at the Apollo, it was with Jeannie Asheré. And after we finished recording, she's so good.

And this will make you love her even more. The man who books live at the Apollo came over to her and said, Jeannie, thank you so much. It was absolutely wonderful. You're so, so brilliant. And she went, yeah, whatever, mate. I'll see you in two years. And just walked out.

Legend. Yeah, absolute legend. Straight back on the plane to America. Was she hosting? Yeah. I watched yours. Did you? I was in the audience.

Did you? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But I still don't even remember. Jeannie Asheré. Yes, yes, yes, yes. No, no, no, no, no. Did you have a member that you take you?

Let me fall in. That's why we do say that you do, you've got some date stuff, obviously, because I've seen you at Live at the Apollo. And I don't remember you, obviously, doing anything. No, I did do my... Contro. It was cut out, but I did do the bit

about pulling one of my wife's hairs out of my anus. Yes, that's a good bit. Kept trying to get that on TV. Nope. That's not that bad. Yeah, but it is. It's not a bad thing. It's graphic, graphic for the...

It's not. For the mainstream audience, it's a bit graphic. It's not bad to sum up the things that people say. Yeah, it's true. Sure. You've heard my stuff. Yeah, it's true. Yeah.

Disgusting. And you put a rabbit in an appy. Yeah, yeah. That would be kind of funny to people, look. Nya, nya, nya. I will lose it. You're just going to see me one day walking around Edinburgh, just rabbit on each breast,

just going, this is me now. Oh, yeah, yeah. This is me. This podcast would be one of the, you know, the things that we held up as like... In court. ...how she used to be. So that sounds nice, the Rose Moe.

Be good with the curry as well. I think sparkling wine is nice with the spicy food. Don't you find though, it's quite hard to drink alcohol when you're eating food? Some people have this. I do not have this. I... You know when people are like, oh, 15 beers and a curry?

And I'm like, how are you doing that? When I say people, I say my other half. Like, but how are you doing that? I struggle with beers. Yeah, I just get full with beer. But when I'm full, I can't drink alcohol. That's why I like day drinking, because you're not full. OK.

And you can have a glass and you feel a little bit lightheaded. Because if you're eating and drinking at the same time, the booze isn't having the effects that a booze on an empty stomach would. You just get gassy. Yeah, just get a bit gassy and you don't get drunk. I like cobras with my curries. Oh, do you?

Yeah, I feel great. Makes me feel great. But you like cobras without a curry. Yeah, I like cobras without a curry. Yeah, I'm a snake charmer. Have you been to India? No. I used to live there.

Did you? Yeah. Well, you're bringing this up very late in the day. Yeah. We've had about five Indian courses. And now it's suddenly you bring it up during the Rose Age. Yeah. How old were you in India for?

Just over a year I lived there for. Oh, yeah. It's a pretty long time. Why were you living in India? From my husband's job. So I just pratted about for a year. Just titted about India. This was pre-kids?

This was pre-kids. Oh, yeah, pre-kids. Yeah, you can do stuff. Yeah. Yeah. It's a lot of fun. Loved it. I love the food.

But that's when I realised that I really like North Indian food. Like South Indian food is quite sweet. It's not a spicy. A lot of coconut. Whereas in North Indian food is that kind of like thick more tomatoy gravy type curry. And I got really into Indian food. So I used to go and get my lunch from a place called Punjabi Daba, I think.

But it was like Sikh food. North Indian food. It's great. This is good stuff. This is good stuff. Yeah. Was it the prawn vendor, Lu and stuff you'd get from there? I'd get prawn curry from there.

Prawn curry from there. Prawn curry. Well, because there's a lot of people are vegetarian. So you didn't get a lot of meat. Yeah. So you had to go to certain restaurants for meat. With the prawns that you would get from there, do they have the shells on still?

No. Because sometimes when you get a posh prawn curry, they've been char grilled in the shells and then put in the curry later. No. This was like a little, this wasn't a posh restaurant. This was literally just churning out food like street food. But when we used to order, we used to order fish from this guy

and he would just turn up and we'd be like, can we have, I don't know, 20 prawns? And he would just turn up with like 20 prawns in a newspaper and just like, splat down. Go, there you go. Love it. You're like, right. Just clean though.

That British paranoia of going once, not come out of the packet. So it's probably going to kill me. I know. He used to call me and my husband the bit. We used to live in an area called Mandevelli and we were very tall compared to a lot of people. So he used to call us the big white people of Mandevelli.

Your legend still rings true. We used to ring up and he'd be like, yes, yes, yes, it's the big white people of Mandevelli. I was like, I am Mrs. Big White Person of Mandevelli. We arrived at your dessert. Now, listen, oh, don't pull that face. This is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is. I feel like everything I do just angers, James.

Yeah, but this will be, this will be the one. This will be the one. This is the one. I hope you're going to do it. Yeah, come on. What is, right, whatever you like, Esther. Well, I don't think it's going to happen. It's always slim people that love dessert, isn't it?

Hey, I'm the slim white guy of Mandevelli. And he's amazing. I love my pudding. It's always people that are like, slim that have. I love this and looking at me for that. It's always these slim people who like it, isn't it? Yeah, no, you are. You know what I'm all about, Tuber.

I don't like when this is going. I know, I'm not going any further. No, I'm talking about other dessert. I do like where this is going. I am scared. I'm scared because I don't really know where to direct my anger in this room. I haven't had somebody I don't think,

I have had people in this room throw me fur. Yeah, you have. So you get quite angry if someone doesn't have dessert. Yes. So if you went out for meal with somebody and they didn't have dessert, would you just get off and walk out? Well, no, I would shout at them

and threaten to throw them into Trafalgar Square, which is what I did to Ed. Yeah, that's what he told me before. When he ordered the cheese and biscuits. And yeah, so most people, I don't think it has anyone who if they ordered cheese and biscuits in a restaurant, I wouldn't get annoyed about it

instead of having dessert. Someone just doesn't have dessert. And that's those pass on it entirely. I'm not delighted, but it's not as bad as. Cheese board is the worst. Really? Surely passing is worse. No, no, no, no. Passing is not as bad.

Cheese board is worse because it's real. Okay, we're going down a spiral. It's real bad. Cheese board. But you get the sweetness from the chutney. No, you did not. What are you about to say? I was going to say cheese board.

The fucking hell! Yes. With some grapes. Lovely. And a bit of sweetness from the grapes. So grapes. Look at the fuck. Grapes, blue stilton, salty crackers.

Lovely. Yeah, really good. Hate it. The thing is James, you don't understand flavours because you need the grapes and your sweetness and then you get the salty stilton. It's lovely.

No, that's not true. You don't understand flavours. God! What would you have then after a curry? Oh, a fucking pudding maybe? Yeah, like what? Ice cream, sour bay, cheesecake, fudge cake. Fudge?

What the fuck is fudge cake? Chocolate fudge cake. And no one says fudge cake. It's always chocolate fudge cake. Well, sorry, I have to specify. I wouldn't have, I wouldn't. Yeah, but you don't want after a big meal. You don't want to have to then have a cake.

I agree. You don't want a pudding after a curry. I'd have loads of custard. I'd have big bowl of custard over a cheeseboard. Not after a curry, you wouldn't. Yeah, I would. Oh, God, I can't stand custard. I can't stand it.

What? I feel, I can't stand it. I really can't stand it. Rice pudding as well. I'm sorry. These are things that my husband did. Too hot against your bare naked teeth. I don't have an amnesty.

I think a cheese board after a curry is a great choice. I think it's a great choice. Yeah, and you do have a great choice. You do have the cold grapes to soothe the spice. What are you talking about? Yeah, ice cream to soothe the spice. No, no, no, it's different. Ice cream to soothe the spice.

All right, all right, James. Just chill out, yeah. Right, listen. I tell you what, I will compromise. No, see, this has always happened. You always bully people in turn. He does. Yeah.

He throws a little fit, doesn't he? Yeah, I think you should stick to your guns, Esther, that's all I'm saying. Well, I will, but the only compromise I'll have is, you know, in the Indian restaurant for the dessert, you get the whole lemon with the sorbet in. Oh, here we go. Of course, yeah, yeah.

Put the sorbet in the bin. There we go. Sorbet in the bin. Eat the lemon. Would madam like a spoon? No need. Yeah. No.

I'm eating the whole thing. I'm not a pack man. Well, I hate to tell you. I hate to tell you that's exactly how you've characterised yourself throughout this podcast, that you're a lemon pack man. Yeah, I said I'd peel it and I ate the slices. Honestly.

I love, I love a lemon sorbet in a whole lemon. I love that. I'll have a lemon sorbet. Yeah. Lemon sorbet is delicious. Let it be known that I would prefer to have a cheese board, but because of Joan's tantrum. You can have both.

I'll have both then. You can have a cheese board, and then you can have a little lemon sorbet in a whole lemon. What about those posh places where you go and you have the little sorbet between courses to cleanse the palate? Do you have that? I've never had that before.

I've never had that. I've heard it said. Yeah. I've heard it. I've heard tale. I've heard tale of the intercourse sorbets. Well, I do genuinely feel calmer now that the lemon sorbet is in place.

Would you eat like an angel delight? Yes. I would do it. That's made me angry. I wouldn't choose to. So you don't like custard angels or like, you don't like anything sloppy like that basically? Why, why, why, why?

Why? Why? Because it's all just like vomit looking, isn't it? What? It just looks like custard. You know what? Smirping custard. See, this is really interesting as well.

And I've spoken about this on the podcast. Oh, hang on. I'll have a trifle. That's not custard, isn't it? It's literally got custard, cream. It's literally the consistency of everything you've just said. Listen, I've gone back on myself again. No, listen, at Christmas, I'll have a scooper trifle

because I like the cream, the whipped cream. You like the whipped cream. Would you still want a scooper whipped cream? No, I'll stick with my, no, I'll have my cheese board and then my lemon sorbet. And a spoon for the trifle. So I've added a course. And a spoon for the trifle.

No, I'm not having a spoon for the trifle. I'm just saying to prove a point because he was getting angry. So just to, just to let me know that once a year, you have a spoon full of trifle. But that's going to be a sure, apparently that makes me angry. Yeah, great.

And you don't like the custard. You don't even like it. I don't like it. No, I don't like it. Like if my husband has like apple crumble, and then he has like swimming in custard. No, what's the matter with you? He's too good for you.

Yeah. He gets you, he gets you champagne. And he supports you. And you don't support. It's the same choices. I love you. You're going. And you're putting custard on apple crumble.

What is wrong with you? Or you stood there holding a rabbit with a nappy on. Yeah. Eating a lemon. Fuck's wrong with you. But then he does it so to me. He's like, can we have maybe a salad that isn't just dribbling?

Is that, I can't do it Esther. I can't eat that much lemon. It's killing me. Yeah, but the thing is he is right. Yeah, his face is turning inside out. Of all the lemons you've been feeding him. That man has not had a cold in 20 years and he's down to me.

He's squinting so much. Yeah. Rich Wilson going. Yeah, he can't see me again. Yeah. Fishing a barrel. Wilson driving away. Oh, I love it.

Good. Cheese board. Excellent. Well, look, I'm going to read your menu back to you now. See how you feel about it. Water you would like sparkling water. San Pellegrino with lemon. Poppidoms or bread.

Poppidoms with lime pickle. Yogurt. Onion. Sweet powdered coconut. Starter. Maisa. Maisa. Maisa.

I'm sorry. Went for both of them. I'm so sorry. Yeah. Maisa. Maisa. Starter. Maisa.

Bubba ganoush. Tabouleh. Hummus and shawarma with bread. Yeah. Yeah. Main course. Very hot. Prawn vindaloo with real chilies.

Poppidoms. Pilla rice. Raita. Side dish. Saag bhaji. Drink. Rosé moe champagne. Dessert.

Cheese board. Yeah. Please tell us a song. Cookies and grapes. And lemon sorbet. In a lemon which you will eat as well. You will eat the casing. I wouldn't eat the casing because it's too cold.

Lemon Pac-Man. Also, that's like an old lemon, isn't it? Yeah. Your favourite. Yeah, that's my favourite. An old lemon. Yeah. That's your dream.

Thank you, Esther. I like that menu a lot. And then it just goes a bit mad at the end. What did Fatah have as her drink? Coke Zero. Coke. Oh, yeah. That messes with my head.

Does it? Gone. Yeah. People that drink diet drinks, it tastes so... Can you... It just tastes horrible. Well, here's a trick. I love a full-fat Coke.

We've got a tip you can do. Oh, no, Coke Zero tastes like full-fat Coke. If you don't drink full-fat Coke for five years... Or any Coke. Or any Coke's... Any fizzy drinks. I'll just correct you on this story. Any fizzy drinks for five years.

Then drink a diet Coke. It will taste just like full-fat Coke used to. And you won't even notice that it tastes weird. All right, I'll do that then. I'm just going to crack on with that little project. And I'll be back in five years. Yeah, I saw you if you can't find time for that project in between fucking napping up rabbits

and swallowing lemons whole. What James means to say, Esther, is thank you very much for coming on the podcast. Yes, thank you, Esther. There we are. A revelatory chat with Esther Minito there. Yeah, to put it mildly. Got quite heated at the end there, James.

My adrenaline's still coming down. Yeah, you're pumped, man. Yeah, I'm pumped. I can see your veins. I don't know, man. I feel weird. I feel, you know, sometimes it's good. It's a bit of a victory when I get to, like,

you know, get getting to compromise and bully them into that. Yeah. But, like, still feels bad that the cheeseboard's even there at all. She's part of the cheeseboard crew now. Yeah. Imagine if we picked lemon as a secret ingredient.

Should have. I wish we had. If I could go back in time straight out of the water course. Yeah, she didn't say instant coffee, though, which was the actual secret ingredient. Yeah, that would have been some bad stuff. Yeah, it would have been some bad stuff. Don't forget to book tickets to see Esther

at the Edinburgh Festival. Her show is called Hashtag Not All Men, and she'll be performing it for the month of August at the Gilded Balloon. Go on to edfringe.com for tickets. Very excited. And if you want to come and see me, go to edgambald.co.uk.

I'm on tour from September doing my show, Electric, all over the place. And I am doing some at the Edinburgh Festival, actually. At the Assembly George Square Theatre. I believe it's now called the Gordon Aikman Theatre. I'll be there from the 8th to the 14th doing shows. Gordon Aikman, eh? Yeah.

When you said Aik, I thought it was going to be Acaster. I was getting excited. It's called the James Acaster Theatre. Yeah. They should do that. In memory of James Acaster never winning the award. They should always, like, nearly build me, yeah? Yeah.

Five years in a row. Sorry, Rook of Aikman, this time. Come on. Thanks very much for listening. We'll see you again sometime soon. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Hello, it's me, Amy Glendale. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato, and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case...

Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here, sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North, because, look, we're two Northerners, sure. But we've been living in London for a long time.

The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News. We'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glendale's mum on every episode. That's Northern News.

When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.