Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 163: Rylan Clark

Episode Date: September 21, 2022

Welcome to the Dream Restaurant Rylan Clark we’ve been expecting you for a long time! A guest we’ve been trying to book since day one, and he doesn’t disappoint. Rylan Clark’s new book ‘Ten: The Decade That Changed My Future’ is published in hardback by Seven Dials on 29th September. Buy it here. Follow Rylan on Twitter and Instagram @Rylan Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive. Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations). Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial. And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show. Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy, now. Please? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, boiling the egg of conversation, cutting off the little tip of that's all the bad times, and we get rid of that. And then we get the spoon of the internet, dig that into the egg of the podcast, and eat all the nice boiled eggs. Is it boiled egg, James? I think that's a good one, actually. I think you've definitely done egg ones before at the top. Yeah, but what type of egg have I done?

Yeah, exactly. So, I mean, even if you have done a boiled egg one, you haven't said that the bit you cut off at the tip is the bad times, and that then you eat all the good times on the inside. So, that's definitely, even if you have done a boiled egg before, it's a different take on a classic. I'll be honest, this has really snuck up on me. Always does. Always does, I know, but this has really snuck up on me today. I'm very tired. This is episode one of four that we're recording today. So, I'm really worried about the next three. The little competition for the listeners. See if you can spot what the other three episodes

are and what order. If anyone gets the four episodes we recorded in one day in the right order, then you will get a signed chopping board by the great Benito. Yes, and Benito will buy it, too, and send it out. Yes, he will buy it and sign it, and we'll send it out to you. That's a good price. A signed chopping board. This is the Off Menu Podcast. That is Ed Gamble. My name is James A. Caster. We own a dream restaurant, and we invite a guest in every single week. We ask them their favourite ever, start a main course, dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order. And this week,

our guest is Rylan Clark. Rylan Clark, wonderful national treasured territory, of course. National treasured territory, definitely in my heart. Rylan Clark was in the Bake Off tent with me. He was my guardian angel. He was my savin' grace. He watched over me, and I still appreciate it to this day. You know, I'm going to feel quite emotional today on this episode. Maybe we'll see the first tears shed on the Off Menu Podcast. From you. From me. Yeah, we've had people shed some tears before.

Yeah, after we stopped recording. Yeah, after we stopped. A lot of people are like, please, don't do that, can't air. A lot of people are gutted after they finish recording this. Please do not upload that. But, bad luck. We're going to do it. Bad luck. We upload it, no matter what happens. I tell you what else I'm very excited about, Ed, is Rylan's got a new book coming out called 10, The Decade That Changed My Future. It's coming out hard back, 29th of September,

2022. 2022. I'm looking forward to it a lot, all about Rylan's life, but like we've never seen him before. You think you know Rylan? Nope, not until you read 10. Well, looking forward to chatting to Rylan about that book and about his dream meal, because you think you know Rylan, not until you've heard his dream meal. But, if Rylan says the secret ingredient, an ingredient which we deem to be disgusting usually, or that we just couldn't link to the guest somehow, then we will kick him out.

And this week, the secret ingredient is... Dollymixtures. Dollymixtures. Dollymixture. Now, look. Not mixtures, you wouldn't say that. Oh, really? What is it?

You call them Dollymixtures. Yeah, because you wouldn't have mixtures, would you? I call them Dollymixtures. Benito? Because you would just have one mixture, you can't pluralise mi-mixture, can you? Oh, I agree with that, like, yeah, wholeheartedly. Yeah. But is that a collective? It's like saying cereals.

So it's called Dollymixture. Yeah. I think called Dollymixtures my whole life. Yeah. Well, you're a crazy guy. Yeah, I guess everyone just lets it slide. They think I'm being deliberately quirk. Yeah, you've got other problems, man.

Sometimes. There you go. You've got to let A-casts say mixtures, because there's other issues we've got to work on here. Yeah, yeah. Wow, I wonder how much other stuff I get away with in life, because people just think it's not worth it, leave them alone. But...

It's Dolly's Mixture. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Dolly Alderton. Yeah, it's Dolly Alderton's Mixture. Yeah, she wouldn't like Dollymixtures, because she doesn't like desserts. No. Um, listen, obviously I don't hate Dollymixture.

No. More Dollymixtures. No. I'm not a fan either. I probably wouldn't go for them first in the sweet aisle, but the reason why we've chosen it is that when violin and I were in the tent, when we covered this in the Paul Hollywood episode... In the Bake Off tent.

No, we didn't do outsiders together. Yeah. We tried to catch Paul Hollywood in a box, we wanted to trap him in a box, and we used Dollymixture as bait, although on the day I was saying Dollymixtures. But, yeah, obviously, when I was in that Bake Off tent, definitely everyone was letting me say whatever I wanted. It was still well clear, I mean. But...

Let it slide. The guy's on the brink. Yeah, we've got... We're getting enough good footage as it is, we don't need to wind him up without the same Dollymixture. So that's the food I felt like Rylan and I bonded over, and it wouldn't be a shame to then kick him out of the Dream Restaurant because of that food again, but, you know, it's what I associate with Rylan, and sometimes we've got to go with what we associate with

a guest. It's going to be interesting, James, to see if he remembers the same things that you remember from your time together in the tent. Well, I can tell you that Rylan once interviewed me for his radio show because I was promoting something, and I learned pretty quickly that I hold a lot of fond memories of that. And I don't think Rylan remembers all of it, but he did tell me, well, lots of people have told me you've said very nice things about me at our time at the tent together, James, but in a way that was like, you know, I'm just nice to everyone.

So you're just another person I was nice to. You're just another person. Weren't you going to... Didn't you want to use Rylan at the end of your special ones? Yeah, yeah. There was a point where, because I'd mentioned Rylan and I was considering, oh, maybe at the end of the special, you know, I could just be at my wit's end and I don't know what to do.

I could walk on stage and help me and, you know, it'd be good to get him to record something that I can play every night, but then when I actually film it, I'll get Rylan to turn up in the flesh and help me out and very quickly. We'll tell Rylan all about that. I can't wait. Well, no, that's not telling. So without further ado, this is the off-menu menu of Rylan Clark. Welcome, Rylan, to the Dream Restaurant.

I mean, this is a dream of a restaurant. Oh, look at that. Welcome, Rylan Clark to the Dream Restaurant. We may be a bit special at some time. I mean, why is the reservation list so long? I've been waiting to come here for ages. I know. You've been at, I think, the top of our reservation list for a long time.

Well, no one called me, but I've been sitting there starving waiting for this. Yeah. We're the only restaurant where the reservation list is like, it was the other way around. We make the reservations. Yeah. We put down who we want to come to the best point. That's a good point, isn't it? It's properly like one of those places where it's like, oh, it's like the Burgine.

You can't like, ask to go. You've just got to turn up and hope for the best. I've been waiting outside for three weeks. Yeah, no, we've seen you. Thanks for letting me in. You were very resourceful out there. Oh, I've pulled three times. Who else is in the queue out there?

Who else is waiting to get into the Dream Restaurant? Husband number three, four, five, probably. That'd be good. We just get loads of husbands on. Yeah, fine. I mean, there's a fucking show. You like food, right? I love food.

Yeah. I'm a weird one with food though. I'm like a moody food eater. A moody foodie. Moody foodie. This is the first moody foodie we've ever had. Well, I'm glad to own that title. I'm a moody foodie.

So like, one day I'll be like, this is what I want and this is all I'm going to do. And that will last for a week. And then I'll be like, don't like that. No, I won't eat that. Oh, really? Yeah. I'm like a weird, weird person. Is there something that like puts you in that direction?

Like you see an advert for something that's what I want? Or does it just you wake up and suddenly? It just happens. Yeah. It just happens. It's like, oh, quick jar and nutella. Quick, get me a spoon. Oh, yeah.

And then that's it. Fuck the toast. Just give me a spoon. What was the last food mood that you had? Last food mood that I had was, I shall tell you, one of the most exciting things that's ever happened to me in my life. And this is going to sound very sad. When Deliveroo started delivering to my area last year.

Last year? Yeah. I was in the middle of nowhere. So it was Chinese or Indian. That was it. That's all you were getting. And I think, I cried. Yeah.

I cried. Because obviously I had the Deliveroo app for other things. Obviously other takeaway apps are available. But I just got this notification come up. Sam, we're now in your area. And I didn't know where to cry. Have a wank. Like it was just such a moment.

Both? A crank. A crank. Deliveroo crank. It's always nice to have a crank. But yeah, it was, honestly, and I would just order things that I weren't even going to touch. But I was like, I could get burnt your things in my hat.

Is that what the options are? I mean, this week we have been really pounding Prezzo. Yeah. Mozzarella and Corozo. Spicy tomato calabrese. Great. Yeah, but I'm literally rinsing it. Then I'll have it so much that I'm like, no, I can't eat that ever again.

So Prezzo is the current food mood? Prezzo. I'm in a Prezzo mood at the moment. Wow. Yeah. Normal guy. Yeah. Normal guy.

Keep your caviar. I'm going in Prezzo. It's very depressed. Difficult to find caviar on Deliveroo anyway, I find. I mean. The thing about rank ends it and I'm sure someone will deliver it. But when caviar comes up on Deliveroo, that's the day that Ed has a crank. That's it.

It's already got a semi at the moment. Just thinking about the caviar Deliveroo. I'm cranking it. That's what he's been waiting for his whole life. Just caviar on Deliveroo. I don't know. I'm not that guy. You aren't that guy.

You are. You've been cranking it. I've got it. Wow. That's good. I love it. Also, I understand the emotional thing about it. Especially the pandemic.

Oh, yeah. All my Deliveroo options were bad. Really? I've moved recently and they're good Deliveroo options. I felt like having a crank. I understand that emotion of finally getting Deliveroo in your area. Especially after the last two years, feeling quite emotional that you've got Deliveroo now.

The most exciting bit is when you log into one of their maps. Like I said, obviously, I went without for a long time. The two options were Chinese, Indian. Then when you start seeing new boxes come up, like Thai dessert, breakfast. Breakfast. Well, that's the one for me. Oh, my God. I swear to God, a hash brown Deliveroo.

Put it down my throat. Is that an option on the app? Depends what driver it is. Getting breakfast on Deliveroo is really, when you cross that line, there's no going back. Right. Knock the kitchen down. There's no need for it no more.

Literally, put the sweaters in the oven. We are done. We are done. I will use it as wardrobe space now. It's really not an issue. When you can get a breakfast, when you can get a dirty sausage delivered to your house. Now, in one of those Styrofoam boxes that's greasy and a little bit wet from the steam and condensation, you know you're doing all right.

That is for you to know you're doing all right. Ed got me my birthday present one year prior Deliveroo. What was it? Load of ice cream? Yeah, it just loads of ice cream. Just text me happy birthday. Your present is seven minutes away. Amazing.

Thank you, Ed. Well, that's your dream present, right? Yeah, yeah. That's literally going to be my new thing I'm doing now. Doorbell away? Never thought of that. Actually, it was quite a lot of stuff. It was some tubs of ice cream, a Ben and Jerry's Peace Pop.

I love the Peace Pops. So good. That's a gift. I was in a scandal. I mean, I feel like you can't even buy that for yourself because it's so special. You need someone to order that for you. He would buy it for himself. I know, but recently I was in Scandinavia last week and I was trying to be good while

I was doing a tour. I was doing a tour. Yeah, to be fair to me. I was in a queue at a petrol station there. I was going to buy myself a Diet Coke. I wanted to see how it tasted abroad. Yeah, of course. This is your first crazy tour story that I've heard.

Yeah, this is a crazy tour story. Get ready for this. Get ready for this. And this is like the first one I'm rolling out. So imagine, this is like the best one. This is a whole new podcast. This is the best one I've got. I'm in the queue.

I look at the freezer. Was you doing that with your hands as well? Yeah, yeah. I'm doing just a T-rex. Just checking. I'm waiting in the queue to get my Diet Coke. And I look down and I see in the freezer, the chest freezer. Oh, I love chest.

I've got Ben and Jerry's peace pop, but it's salted caramel flavor, which you can't get here. My God. And I went into a daze looking at it, like I was joining like a tractor beam. And I didn't realize the queue had completely, I was at the front of the queue at this point, but I didn't know that.

My God. And everyone else, I was like a... What'd you do? What'd you do? I was a couple of feet away from the counter and they started shouting at me in Swedish. In Swedish. Being like,

Sir! Or whatever. And I had to look up. Where was that? Sorry, where was that? Sir, please! Oh, yeah. I saw them shouting at me.

I know him. Please! And I decided not to buy the peace pop. I was like, I can't do it. That's the end of the story. Well, actually, no. Later on in the week, I bought it. Oh my God.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it later on in the week and it was good. Can I just say you could have really built up the end a bit more there. Sometimes you got to sneak it in. No, no, no. I was in a different city. Got in trouble with that.

Hey, listen. I saw it in London, bought it in Stockholm. That's the full story. Oh, what a story. What a journey. And it's not for the cookie dough like the... The other one. Like the peace pop we have.

It's the cookie dough one. Yeah, the cookie dough one. It's the outside is like salted caramel. And then there's like the Ben and Jerry's vanilla ice cream. And then the actual peace sign has made a chocolate. Solid chocolate. And it's smaller as well. It's nice little...

I think I checked out in the queue. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm here for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I would watch this travel log. Yeah. Well, this is most of my stories.

James, why don't you do like a series where you just go around Petrol stations abroad and see what exotic things you can find. And I say what is going to Petrol stations. No one tries to produce it. They just let James do it. No, just let it happen. We don't even need to film it. Unproducible.

We don't need to film it. I'll record it. You just go do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just tell us about it on here. Or not. Yeah. Don't even record it.

Just do it. I'll tell you what is exciting in Petrol stations abroad. Turingum. Yeah. You get some exciting things in there. Second you look down, it says like all bit watermelon. You're like, my God. My God, I'm definitely abroad.

I'll take that to the beach. My God. Yeah, I love it. It's just exciting. I mean, Air Waves is having it off in Europe. Absolutely. Do you find American gum loses its flavor quicker than any gum anywhere else? I just had this conversation in the car.

I genuinely just had this conversation in the car. It does. Yeah. I don't know why. I've been dealing with like a mint type gum. But all the flavors in that, like bubble gum, bubble gum ain't what it used to be. That's really not what it used to be. I'm sorry.

I know. I will say it and I'll stand by it. I will stand by it. I remember as a kid you used to get some bubble gum bit of ha-ba-ba-ba. You used to put three in your mouth like bubbles. Yeah. I tasted that three days later. How did you, Ed?

Keep a straight face then. When Rylan looked dead at you and went ha-ba-ba-ba, like that. Deliberately. Oh, you shouldn't talk about ha-ba-ba-ba in any other way. Ha-ba-ba-ba is a serious thing. It was dead at you. My eye contact. Ha-ba-ba-ba.

I let it out like that. Because honestly, when I was locked in to the eye contact, it honestly feels like the most serious thing in the world. Yeah. I mean, it was as a kid. I mean, you had all the hits with ha-ba-ba-ba. Yeah. You had your apples.

You had your blueberry, your raspberry. You had your cola at one point. That was a moment. That was good. I was a kid, but I didn't really get it a lot because it used to make me fart. Oh, you had to bring the tone down. Wow. Bubblegum really makes me fart.

You can't talk about things like that in ha-ba-ba-ba. Well, this is a thing. I have nice little whimsical stories about seeing stuff abroad in petrol stations. Ed, straightened with the guff story. Yeah. It's the longest fart I've ever done. You know why, though. Do you know why?

Do you know what's sad about this? I've heard this story before. Oh, my God. I've heard this before. We got to that point in the podcast. He's reusing. I think he's talking this off air. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm going to call it out, though. Shit is bubblegum ever. Bottom of a screwball ice cream. Oh, shit. Take it back. I don't even want it. Don't even want it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't want it. That's not a bubblegum. Apart from the first time I had it, because the first time I had it, I didn't know that's what... I thought the ice cream looked nice. I didn't know there's bubblegum at the bottom. So, like, that was very exciting for me.

Yeah, but then you eat into it and it takes like chalk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's not good bubblegum. It's bad. Take it back. There's a reason it's hiding. Yeah, yeah. So, Rylan, you have a book out called 10 and we're very excited about it.

At least someone is... Oh, no. No, Rylan. Come on, dude. We're going to do some PR now. Oh, yeah. Can't we just have a nice time yesterday? Yeah, we can do after.

We can probably. Yeah, absolutely. Is this a contract thing? Yeah. Yeah. This is a memoir. Yes and no, really. Yeah.

I did my first book about... I kind of remember it was like 2016. That was very autobiography. Yeah. And I found it not easy, but easier than this one, because it was like, I was born then and then this happened. And then all of a sudden this all happened. And that was it.

Number one, somehow. I don't know. Yeah. But then this one, it's 10 years, literally this week, that I went on X Factor. Oh, wow. And we decided to do the book. And this one, it's more about lessons I've learned along the way. And the book started out as one thing and it's merged into another because obviously,

I had a bit of a shit year last year. But yeah, it's more like looking back at what fame was then, what it meant to me then. What it means now. And I think people would be quite shocked because I'm a little bit like, can I just sit in doors? It's all about lessons. And do you know what? I've got people in there as well. Everyone who says, what's your favourite part about it?

The bit I did them right, which is the bits about... I got my friends in the industry and my family to write letters themselves for the book, like a lesson we've learnt together. And yeah, so it was exciting for me because I've never read them bits of the book. Yeah. That's nice. It's really, really nice. I've got Clare from Steps in there.

So what module do you want to read? Sold. Thank you. So there's very few people actually. You're quite a rarity who managed to go on like a show like X Factor and have a career that sustains this long and you get to do so many things and people wouldn't even like... When you said X Factor, they're like, oh yeah, rather than what's on X because they don't associate you with that anymore. And that's actually like the biggest compliment people say that.

What advice would you give people going on those shows who want to have a sustainable career afterwards? Because like, you know, you were one of the first to make that properly happen, a long standing career. And I don't think a lot of people know when they go on those shows what it takes to make it last a bit longer than that. Sleep about. Yeah. Simple as. That's it. No, I'm joking.

No, literally, I think everyone always asks me that question and I'm like, I don't know the answer. Because if I did, I'd open up some like type of agency and just pump them out. But genuinely, the one thing I put it down to is I never changed. I know my face did, but just be nice to people on the way up. Like, I'll remember for like the first couple of months after X Factor, I don't even remember what I said when I left X Factor. Like when it's like, give it up for Ryland. What do you want to say?

I don't know what I said, but apparently I thanked the runners. And if no one knows what a runner is, the runners are like people that run about, get the teas, coffees, basically the dog's bodies that get treated like shit a lot of the time in TV and stuff like that. And apparently I said, you know, I want to thank everyone for everyone. I want to thank all the runners. And I didn't realize that. I tell you what, every show I did for the first few months after that, I'd be getting my coffee first. People like, no one thanks the runners.

But now all the runners, but then the producers of today. So it's like the people that I treated well in the beginning and now the people making bigger decisions. I think, listen, we work in this industry. We know what's real and what's fake. We know who's real and who's fake. We know who's a TV personality and then off air, they're an asshole. And I'd like to think I'm not one of them. And I think that's what it is.

I've just, I don't care if you're my runner or my exact producer, I'll treat you both exactly the same. My manager now was my runner at Big Brother. Oh really? So when Big Brother finished over the years, like we got on so well, like in my early years at Big Brother, because he loved the show as much as I did. And on my show at Big Brother, Big Brother was a bit on the side. In our office, there was about 48 of us and we were just left to do what we wanted to do. But there was no hierarchy.

So like my exact producer, my runner, it didn't matter. We all had ideas. We'd all throw them in and we'd all make the show. And as the years went on, he sort of moved up from like my runner to like an associate producer or a researcher, things like that. And then when my brother finished, I was like, come and join my management team. And that's what he did. So now he is basically, my runner is in charge of my career. So cool.

That's what I think the secret is, just be nice to people. Beautiful. Don't be an arsehole. Love it. And then fuck around. We always start with still or sparkling water. Moody foodie. Yeah.

Right at this moment, I'd go for the spark. Oh yeah? Sometimes. I like it still. What would dictate that? What I'm doing afterwards. Right. So like, if it's a date, sparkling, because it's just a bit more exotic.

Okay. And it's like, oh yeah, we'll have the spark thing. Do you know what I mean? When really, you're like, oh, what am I like? You know, it's a bit exotic, yeah? Yeah. I don't get me wrong. Yeah, still we're all like, we're all alive.

But I don't know. It's like, if you're like with people or like a work meeting, it's like, you're sparkling, please. And you say it like that as well. If you're on a date and they ordered still water, would you be like? I'd be like, great. So you'd be happy with that? I'd be fine with it. To be fair, I don't really get to date.

So I'll just be happy to have the date. Yeah. You offered it? Yes, sure. Let's go out. I mean, we've had dinner before. Yeah, we've had dinner on TV. On TV.

Oh yeah. You had to split the bill. Is that show? Well, you ended up paying. I had to pay. It was, I'll get this. I felt bad for him. After the show, I was like, do you want some money?

Because you do actually have to pay. Because when we were on this show, and long story short, there's like five of us, six of us. We'll put our credit cards in the middle. It's not swinging, sadly. And when you play these games, and if you win a game, you get to take your credit card back, so you're not paying. Well, I won, like, the third game, I think. Yeah.

And so the second I took my credit card back, I stopped ordering anything, because I felt bad. Anton Zubeck and Voulders, they were fucking ordering the champagne. They didn't care. That's a nightmare lineup. Yeah. You got to be on of people with... Zubeck and Voulders, you're out of here. If you're with Tony Beek and Voulders, literally, are you?

Absolutely. Tony Beek loves the old Vino Rosso. I tell you what, and he goes for, he goes for the dear bottle. He was a cheeky boy, Tony Beek. He was a cheeky boy. He was a cheeky boy. Voulders was on one as well. Yeah.

Voulders were, weren't they? Yeah. Honestly, since that night, me and her, always talking. Oh, well, I mean, you were talking a lot that night as well. I was pissed. I think I had to pay, like, 600 quid or something. No, it was more than that. Was it?

Yes. Yeah, if you're paying for Tony Beek's Vino. That was just as a lot. Tony Beek's Vino. That's a lot of money. I mean, I look at him now, strictly charged, living his best life. Yeah. He's never offered to pay me back.

Pop a Dom's. Pop a Dom's. Pop a Dom's. Pop a Dom's. Pop a Dom's. Now is this a moody foodie thing, or is it always pop a Dom's? I mean, I think you can always enjoy a pop a Dom, whether you're a little bit full. Sometimes you look at bread and think, oh, I can't.

I just can't do it to myself. I mean, the problem is with the bread, I think a lot of people were scarred by bread. Yeah. Because it's normally the first thing that comes out, and sometimes you're quite hungry. Yeah. Next thing you know, you've had a fucking life. Yeah. And you can say goodbye to your pastorella bloodleththygianol.

Yeah. My favourite dish. Don't give away your meat. Don't want to give it away. How are we spelling that? But do you know what I mean? Yeah. And there's a certain restaurant you go to that Brett is handsome.

Yeah. Like handsome Brett. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I know exactly what you mean. Do you know what I mean? I've never heard it described like that. I'm handsome Brett.

I'm handsome. I'm a friend in Kettering. You used to call all food handsome. Really? Yeah. Yeah. It's probably him. What?

Do you want to name him? His name's ****. I don't know anyone called **** from Kettering. I do. I played rugby with someone called ****. He used to play rugby years ago. Did he? Yeah.

I mean it was like my Ibiza boyfriend. Yeah. I really hope it's the same **** that I knew. They can't be that many ****s in Kettering. If you're still in touch, ask him if he used to play rugby. I mean I'm sure. I still got his number. Yeah.

Did you used to play rugby with James A. Kester? Until James quit when he was 13. I mean what a life he's had if it is him. He used to play rugby with you, was sleeping with me in Ibiza. Yeah. It's a lovely time. He's not going to collect it. Maybe he should write a book.

Yeah. Oh, this is all going to get cut out as well. He'll put this all in public. Yeah. Cut the name out. Yeah. ****. There we go.

Do you remember his name? No. It's not the same name. Oh, shame. **** rugby. **** rugby. That's what mama's called. Literally.

It's always safe to the phone, isn't it? Yeah. **** rugby. So what kind of... Holly this morning. What's her name? Literally, everyone does that, doesn't they? Yeah.

With their phones. Yeah. Holly, this morning. ****. Who could that be? I won't put your real name, don't I? In case only one gets to the phone. Yeah, literally.

I'm always like, don't save me as Brylan. And I'm like, all right, what shall I save you as? I'm like, I don't **** know. Just don't save me as Brylan. In case your phone gets nicked. I don't even have a picture on WhatsApp. Really? Yeah, because I'm frightened.

You know, sometimes everyone always ends up getting a number somewhere. Yeah. I would always check a number by saving it as don't know. If I go through my phone, there's don't know, don't answer. Not sure. Question mark. There's like a list of them. Yeah.

And then I save that number, go on WhatsApp and look at the picture. And I'm like, oh, it's, it's Bruce Langston. Like, do you know what I mean? Yeah. She's got a new phone. Yeah. But that's what I normally do. And sometimes you like don't know who they are, but you like the photo.

You're like, hmm. Who could it be? Is it a stalker fan? Is he tall? That's the immediate question following. Is he a stalker? Yeah. Is he tall?

But in a roundabout way. Yeah. Pop-a-dums. Pop-a-dums. You want all the dips? Oh, yeah. Oh, you know what I like? I always say alioli.

And I know it's not alioli. It's aioli, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. But is that a pop-a-dum? Oh, sorry. Yeah. Sorry.

I'm talking about bread. But if you want a aioli with the pop-a-dum. Yeah. Why not? What's your dream restaurant? I don't like mango chutney. But I don't like a chunky mango chutney. No?

I don't like a chunky chutney. Yeah. Oh, we've got a lot of sandbites. Yeah. We've got hubba-bubba, maybe foodie, chunky chutney. You've got all the here. Foodie-foodie, chunky chutney. Hubba-bubba.

I just hubba-bubba, which is a brand-new brand. I just hubba-bubba. The way you say it is funny. I don't fucking get sent some after this. I think you get far too much hubba-bubba. But I don't like chunky chutney. I don't like mango, but I like mango chutney. You don't want to be reminded that there's mango in it.

There's an actual mango in it. No. I don't want this to be fruit. I want it to be dirty. Yeah, yeah. I want mango chutney to be smooth. I like a smooth mango chutney. Yeah, yeah.

It's like with marmalade. More chutney than pop-a-dom. Do you know what I mean? Like, dip it. Wow. Dip it. Fucking dip it. Yep.

I'm in that moodie today. Yeah. Fucking dip it. Fucking dip it, moodie. So you would like, on a standard shard of pop-a-dom, are you putting just mango chutney on there? I don't actually dip. That's the lower. I pour.

You pour. I dip it on top and I just pour it over the top. And I'm like, get a bit of the onion salad on top. Bit of that. And then rater on top as well. No. Don't mix. Don't mix.

No. What's wrong with you? Sorry. We've had mixers in before. We've had mixers in before. Well, they can all go to hell. God of hell. Don't mix.

Don't ever burn for, ever in hell. A creamy, minty thing with a thick, sort of, mango-y sauce. What's wrong with you, crazy people? Imagine if when you're dying you just give a hell's real. That would be amazing. Yeah. Fine with it. They'd be mad.

They'd be hilarious. If I die, I don't wake up and I'm in hell. Oh, shit. Where am I? I can't believe this is real. It won't be like everyone says it is, though, will it? That's an eye. Who can we ask?

Well, we can't. That's the problem. Surely there's someone like psychic Sally or... Yeah, shit, no. You know what I mean? Yeah. She will know. She will know.

She'll find out soon enough. She saw this coming. Yeah, yeah. If that was a psychic, that'd be the first question I'd ask. Are you in hell? And what's it like? Are you in hell and what's it like? I remember when I see a psychic at the end of South Empire years ago.

And then it burnt down. But a wagon went with it. So she fucking didn't see that one coming, did she? You would've moved the wagon. Immediately. Poor woman. I don't think she was in it, but I've never seen her seen it. Yeah, it's who that is.

May she rest if she was. May she rest. I think hell will be personal for all of us. So you'll get there. There'll be a big bowl of chutney and you'll be like, I must be in heaven. You're tongue-in. And then you pick it up and it's just chunk off the chunk. Like actual whole mango, whole mango.

You dip it in and it just turns into full, unpeeled mangoes. And listen, I'm not going to like or think of worst places to end up. But... Then hell? No, then like... Then chunky chutney hell. Oh, the chunky chutney hell. A massive bag of mango chutney with mangoes in it.

I mean, I'll take it for my wrong doing. Yes, sure. But, yeah, I mean, it's... That's when you know, you go, oh, I'm glad I was nice to all those runners. That's what I'm saying. I think I'll be somewhere in the middle. Hate it or diddle at the moment. Yeah.

There's hell heaven. Hate it or diddle. Yeah. Everyone knows that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it's lovely in there. Got some lovely mood lighting. Yeah.

Yeah. That's the middle. Hate it or diddle. Does no one else say that? Am I that? Have you ever heard anyone refer to the middle as hate it or diddle? Straight down the middle. Hate it or diddle.

Certainly not within a sort of like, like religious context. A purgatory way. Yeah, purgatory. Instead of calling it purgatory. I love it how you're both writing to say purgatory. I don't know what you're talking about. No, I was trying not to because I just enjoy saying hate it or diddle. Hate it or diddle.

I think that's where you go first. I think you go to hate it or diddle. And... That's the twist at the end of Lost. If anyone's ever seen Lost. We were in hate it or diddle all along. Oh, no. We were in hate it or diddle.

Yeah, I think you go there and it's like, right, this is what you've done. Yeah, right. And they go, what do you think? I think we're up and all right. What do you think? And then they go, well... What do you think? We've had a chat.

It's basically like Judges' Houses. Yeah. So they sit there and they really like string you along. Joey's like, you know, you know, I just think it's such a big risk. And you're like, yeah, oh, oh. And then the music comes in and it's like, no, hell. Yeah. The fuck off.

Bam. And then like trap door. Go. Go. Heaven and Hell. Which Judges' Houses Heaven and which Judges' Houses Hell? Oh, that's a good question. Yeah.

I mean, love, Louis, but you always end up in Ireland and I love Ireland. But you know, and you think, fuck, you know, they're all in the Dominican. What's going on? Do you know what I mean? And I always feel for the people that didn't get through on X Factor. Yeah. Because I was that person. We went to Dubai.

I was with Nicole and we were in this beautiful. It was like a six-star hotel. We were in Royal Residences. It was beautiful. Got Neo there. Having life on his boat. And we're like, oh, you're right, Ney. And it was just lovely.

And that year as well, the overs ended up in Dublin with Gary Barlow. Barlow took him to Dublin. And we're sitting there going, oh, my God. Like Cheryl flies in on helicopter. It's like, yeah, we got the boat. Like, do you know what I mean? I thought I was sad if you didn't get through. Why is Barlow taking him to Dublin?

Yeah, especially like, you know, I don't think Gary was in Dublin. I think he was in Oxford. Oxford? Yeah, I'm sure he was that year. But yeah, it's like, I always feel sorry for, for the people that, like, Louis used to always be Dublin. And weirdly enough, Louis, my year was Vegas. Wow.

Louis Vegas. Yeah, Louis Vegas. Your dream starter. See, this is moody foodie. But I love anything deep fried cheese in bread crumb. With a dirty, spicy tomato sauce. That surely can't be a moody foodie thing, though. You must love that all the time, right?

I normally go for, like, a cheesy thing. Yeah. Do you know what? Throw me your camembert. I love it. Throw me your deep fried mozzarella. I will put it in my mouth. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want, like, anything that's cheesy and melty and bread crumb, stick it in me. Yeah, so good. Are we heading to Prezzo here? I mean, yeah, mozzarella and carosa. Yeah.

Which I believe is Italian for mozzarella and bread crumb. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I could be lying. It's like magic. Only no dirty Italian. Especially when it's, like, mozzarella or even, like, jalapeno poppers, that sort of stuff. Oh.

Where you bite in and it's liquid inside. However, I do find your jalapeno poppers not the fan of cream cheese deep fried. Sure. The jalapeno was in, like, an applewood smoked cheese. I know this is a podcast, but I just made a wanking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hand.

Yeah, I mean, I do like a jalapeno popper. I'll eat it. Don't put it, like, listen, there's not a lot I want to put in my mouth, but yeah, cream cheese, deep fried. I think we can do better. I think that's a good point. I've never really thought about that. But I like the poppers.

Yeah, I know. I like the poppers. I think we've rested on our laurels with that one and we thought, oh, that's done. We don't need to upgrade the poppers. I think we can. I think we can. I'll tell you what's nice, chili cheese bites.

Yeah. You get a nice little chili cheese bite. Now, that's a nice little cheese in there. Where from Burger King? Burger King. They're just dirty. They're dirty. They're a bit soggy.

It's a thick batter and I like a batter. Yeah. Give me a bit of batter of what we're cheese inside. You're right. I'll take it. So are we like pinning down a certain cheese that you want deep fried here? I'm going to pump for mozzarella. I think it's the best one because it holds together,

but then also you get the stringiness. Nice. My God. You get the meltiness. Do you know what? I'll take the little burn on the lip for it as well. Do you know what I mean? And there's not a lot I'd take a burn on the lip for.

Yeah. That and fillers. But dirty, hot, breaded cheese. Cream cheese is actually the worst when it comes to heat as well. This bastard. You bite into that. It's spraying in there. Because you think it's not because it's cream cheese.

Yeah. You're like, it's all right. Yeah. That ain't going to be hot because you just think cold. Yeah. Or you just think normal. Yeah. No.

Room temp. That's a little slide bastard. Plain pink hot. And it goes everywhere. And it goes everywhere. Slide bastard. Yeah. Real slide bastard.

Proper slime. Yeah. Like lava. Oh my God. It lands a rotty over that. I mean, man. So you want deep fried mozzarella with some dirty tomato dips. Yeah.

But like a spicy. Spicy, dirty. Not like tomato sauce colour. Not red. It's got to be like a maroon. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. A Christa Burgundy.

That's what I'm going to say. What? It's got to be really like dark red. It's got to be lady and red. There's a lot in there. Yeah. There's a lot in there. Yeah.

Every time you dip. Do you not? Yeah, James. Yeah. Crazy question in on this. Yeah. Obviously. You dip.

You sing lady and red. Yeah. Yeah. Every time you dip. You sing lady and red. Yeah. Not like that. Not like everyone did that.

No. No. She don't. You're a weird. Okay. Well, I was hard at the end of it. And I like FX factor singing like that. Yeah.

Judges. Your dream main course. You've caught me in a mood. Didn't you? You've caught me in a mood today. Or deep fried cheese. Yeah. It's going to be deep fried cheese.

No. None of this goes. And I'm under the guys. I don't have to have this all in one guy. Mm hmm. Pie mash. Pie mash. No, proper pie mash though.

Yeah. Don't fuck your gravy off and all that shit. Like I'm a big fan of up north. Love it. Pie mash. Mm hmm. You have three pies. I don't really love the mash.

I'm just there for the pie. Yeah. Well, this is your dream meal. Fuck it. Fuck the mash off. Three pies. I've got four pies. Yeah.

Upside down. Yeah. So I can cut into them. Liquor. Over the top. Vinegar. I like cutting the bottoms off upside down. Yeah.

Eating the inside and then saving the tops for the end. Oh, wow. This is it. So this is what we like. A proper technique. A proper technique. There's a lovely one round here as well. Is there?

Yeah. Four pies. Yeah. And what's in? Are they all the same sort of pie? What's in them? What's in them? Just that mints.

But I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? Is that a stand? But is that the standard pie? You mean you don't know? There's loads of different types of pie. No, you don't get variation. It's pie mash.

There's one pie. Right. That's why it does well. Let me talk in your echelons. It's like entrecote. You go there. And it's just steak and chips. It's the same with pie mash.

It's just one pie and mash. You can get an eel, but we don't talk about that. No. Oh, they're handsome. Ever cut the bottom off an eel and then save the top to last? I don't touch eels. Oh, OK. Eels.

Up inside, yeah. I like this technique of cutting the bottom off. Turn them upside down. Flipping them. Right. Flipping more over four pies. I think you don't have to turn them upside down. You could do it the right way up, but it's a lot more difficult to cut the top off.

Yeah. So just turn them upside down. I open up the bottom. It's like a flap. Yeah. And I flap that open. Yeah. I'll eat the inside.

Yeah. And I'll do that with all of them. Are you eating any pastry at this point? Only the bottom. Yeah. Which is a lot more soggy. Yeah. But there's just something about it.

I don't know what it is. I mean, every time you have pie mash as well, you think, oh, it's paper, so we need toad. But so that puts you off for like two seconds and then you're fine. Every time you have pie mash. Yeah. Every time. I think that's not, you phrase it there like it's a universal observation. Yeah.

Yeah. Every time. Well, you said you, you said like every time you have pie mash, you think it's people. Yeah. But I think that's, you think that. Every time you have pie mash, you think, oh, slit neck, barbershop, back down the thing, boom, straight in the pie shop. Yeah.

What's the lady called who put some in the pies? I don't know her. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know her. You don't know her. I don't know her.

I'm like a slice of tomato. Yeah. Mrs. Luffa. Mrs. Luffa, he'll let himself out. No, come in by, yeah. Give me a moment. Martin McCutchen, this is your moment. No.

You'll know. We all know. She doesn't write. I'm intrigued. You got these four pies and they're all the same filling, we all know that. Yeah. We're not talking chip shop pie. No.

Not to a pucker pie. Let's not puck up. I know. What's wrong with you? Surely after pie two, you are bored of the filling. Violent, what do you say to that? I'm going to leave. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We've never had a walk out before. So I've never walked out of anything, but no, you come. There's a special thing about pie mash chopped pies that just leave you wanting that little bit more. Now, my mum, God bless her, she's not dead, just so. Yeah. She normally goes for two. Right?

Have a day. She rang me and she went, I've been cemetery. She's always eating when she rings me up, so I have to do that. I've been cemetery, put flares on her knees. I've got pie mash. I've let myself in your asses in your microwave. And now I know, I know she's got to sell three pies.

Yeah. Because she ate it at my house. Because I found the little trays in the bin when I went to empty the bin. So, I mean, Linda don't eat loads. She does. Even she had three pies that day. Wow.

Good job, Linda. Now, little trick, you can buy them from the pie mash shop frozen before they've cooked them. So they're pre-cooked and frozen. Just keep them in the freezer. Lovely. Do you think that it was going to the cemetery that made her hungry for an extra pie?

Every time she goes cemetery, she always gets pie mash. Yeah, yeah. And every time she goes in there, she gets recognized because people know her from things that I've done with her. She's like, I do know, I am. She don't get it. Did she not know when she goes Google box

that they're filming it? No, she doesn't understand, she don't. She don't understand. She's a very much a creature of habit though. So yeah, every time she goes cemetery, she'll get pie mash. And every time she goes to Marx's, she gets a family size trifle and eats that. The cow in the Taskmaster house is named after your mum.

She is, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Linda's the cow. Still referred to as Linda, hasn't she? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, she still lives there. I did say, it was that episode that I did. Did they do you special?

I was like, is the cow got a name? Alex was like, no, I was like, we'll call it Linda. He was like, isn't your mum's name Linda? I was like, yep. I didn't realize it would stick. She fucking hates me, but oh well. Listen, Linda, you're doing well for yourself. They don't forget stuff on Taskmaster.

No, they really don't. They'll keep it in forever. They don't. They don't. I think this sounds great. The four pies. I'd imagine there's quite a lot of precision the way you. Oh yeah, no, because once you finish surgery.

Yeah, because you don't eat the tops yet. You save the tops for the end. So it's like a game of operation. So you have to move one there. It's almost like, do you remember you used to get them little toys as a kid where you moved the blocks to make the picture? Yeah.

It's a bit like that. Yeah. Yeah, I liked those. Just at the end, the picture isn't a picture. It's pastry and you eat it. It's a lot of pastry. It's similar. Yeah, it's the same.

It's similar, yeah. But you've got to have liquor. What is liquor? Again, like the meat is people, sometimes fault. Oh no. I don't like thinking about liquor because it's like parsley in like a sauce. So it's that green.

But people say it's eel juice. Eel juice. Juice reveals. Now I don't eat fish because I'm frightened of it. Okay. I don't trust them. You don't trust fish? Yeah.

I once fell on the fish counter at Sainsbury's as a kid and it was... What? Yeah. You fell on it? Well, I was pushed. It's not a place matter, so I can talk about it. What?

My brother pushed me on the fresh fish counter at Sainsbury's Whitechapel as a kid. You fell on the fish? I fell on a hake. Have you seen a hake? Have you seen a hake? It's got worse fucking teeth than me. I swear to God, it's the most ugly bastard

you will ever see. And I was face to face with Ake. Yeah. And since then, I was like, bullshit to that. Don't trust any of that. Yeah, that's scudgy for life. Eyes open, looking at me, judging. I'll be homophobic.

Yeah. You fell on a homophobic hake. A homophobic hake. Yeah. Hake crime. Hake crime. Oh, great. Babe, that's why you're doing this job.

Honest to God. Right, 20-22. But yeah, fell on a hake and got time for it. But apparently, there's ill juice in it, but I don't think they're all like that. I think it might just be something else. But I don't want to know. No.

We won't find out. Load of vinegar as well. Yeah. Have a load of vinegar on it, or it's not worth it. And you can't have black pepper. You've got to have white pepper. OK. Don't know why.

But it's like, oh no, like you're frowned upon. Right, OK. If it's black pepper. So the liquor is what's making sure when you leave the tops, because I was thinking, you leave in the tops, there's moisture. So the liquor is over there. Oh, no, it's moist.

And it's just, especially the edges. Yeah. It's just like a layer after layer of dirty burnt pastry. They're always a bit burnt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's what makes it. Yeah, yeah, you want a bit of it. Not like a pastel de nata.

You want them a little bit burnt on top. Yeah. Love them. Same with a pie from Primarch. Man, I went to Lisbon earlier this year. Good for you. And found the best place that did those. I've been there.

Yeah? I've been to that place. When they were in the bell? Yeah. When they were just done. And it's all made there. Like, it's like the one to go to with all the tiles. Beautiful.

Loved it. Fucking stunning. They're about a penny. Yeah. And when they've got a new batch, they ring the bell. Oh, that bell rings. You can look out. And the whole square is just completely empty.

They ring the bell. Phew, everywhere. Everyone's mouths are bleeding because they're boiling hot. See, Rylan sat there with four lined up. He's cut the bottoms off. Yeah, just eating the inside out. Saving the base for later. Oh, for the custody tops.

Cover the mini-olders. Have you ever made a mashed El Donato? No. Oh, fucking hard. Yeah? Yeah. Mind you, I shouldn't talk to you about baking. Ha ha ha ha.

I'm glad it's come up. Joe Jen, what? We've lasted a while. We've got this far, at least. I honestly just wanted to hold you that whole time. You did? You were on Celebrity Bake Off. You know, it's no secret.

I've said on stage. I've said it to you first. I've heard you spreading word around me. You're the one who carried me through it. I literally just wanted to... At one point, I was like, I'm sure I even said to you, do you want to come home with me tonight?

Yeah. And just make a bit dinner. Yeah. Just dub it. Yeah, he needed it. You were literally at the end of giving any fuck whatsoever. Yeah, it was... But you were brilliant.

We had a laugh on the last day. That was the thing. We had a laugh on the last day. See, we had a laugh every day. But you had a laugh on the last day. Everyone else had such a laugh every day. It's such a fun show to film. But yeah, no, that's how we met.

Yeah, that's how we met on that show. I often wondered this, because obviously Michelle Keegan won. She won. Yes. Where do you think... Because they don't say where else everyone else comes. Well, I've got a gripe about it.

Yeah. And for anyone that can't see me, which is everyone, my hands are now in the air. Yeah. And that's when you know I've got a gripe about it. You've got a proper gripe about it. It's gripey. Gripy McGripes.

Do you remember we had to make the cream owns? Yeah. Yeah, I do remember the cream owns. Yeah, yeah. Right. We had like Aaron Arthur saying to make some cream owns. That was a technical right?

Yeah. It was the blind technical as well. If hell is personal, that's what's happening when I'm in hell. Yeah. I'm arriving there and there's some vague instructions on the table on how to make cream owns. I've got to do them.

With all that looks like medical anal devices to wrap this pastry around. Yeah. Anyway, so I'm sitting there and I'm like, I know what a cream horn is. Yeah. Do I really know how to make it? Right.

OK, well, these are obviously that you must put the pastry around the outside and then with that stick. So it is like fucking femfie cell. Yeah. Anyway, I remember I put my cream horns in the oven. Yeah. And the one thing everyone was worrying about was,

do we do it standing up or laying down? Yeah. Because obviously will it slide off? All right. So I put mine in the oven and I'm like, right, 20 minutes to bake. There's half hour left on this challenge. 10 minutes to call when I'll just shut the cream in

right at the end. OK, fine. I'm taking mine out of the oven with five minutes to go. Everyone else has not even got their pastry in the oven yet. Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, what's going on? I'm thinking, I fucking want this one. Yeah, yeah.

Someone walks in to the tent. Says, guys, guys, we can see you're all having a bit of trouble here, so we're going to give you another hour. What? I don't even remember this. I fucking do. So I'm sat there. Now, listen, this is no shade on bake off, I understand.

And this don't happen in the civilian version. I say civilian because it's built into a big brother. This don't happen in that version. Obviously, the celebrity one's a bit different. It's not about who wins it, but bullshit. Because I'm sitting there. They look nice with my cream on. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My cream was lovely, right? Because I thought I only had five minutes left, I thought I'm going to leave the orange out of the cream. I'm just going to do just a normal, I believe it's shantily, cream, filled them all up. I'm done. People saying we've got the fucking things in the oven. Then they go, we're going to give you

one another hour, because I've got no point. Is there with this challenge? Then Michelle fucking Keegan wins to get first. I will. Do you know what I like to get? I like Michelle. I like Michelle and Mark. They live up the road like lovely.

I get on with them. But in that moment, I'm sitting there going, you bastards, I'm sat here. I've made you cream horns in the hour and a half you asked for. They look nice. Granted, there's no fucking orange in it. And no other bastards even got their pastry in the oven with 10 minutes to go.

And you come in and give us all an extra hour. Do you know what? I'm like, go down, Mark says, go and get a fucking meal deal. What do you want me to do about it? And then Paul and Prue come in, oh, oh, and this lover. Oh, this is nice. Oh, there's no orange in this shantily cream. I'm like, I know, because I only had five fucking minutes.

There he's like, did anything happen? No. And where do I get? Second. Second joke, fuck off, fuck off. And then, to make matters worse, now before that, I'm looking for Prue's fucking wedding ring that she had lost on the floor.

So I'm outside. Lovely woman, Prue. Saw her at the Chaplatinum Jubilee, Danzie Jack. But I'm sitting there outside on gravel in the middle of, where were we pinewood? Yeah, yeah, we were outside pinewood. On the gravel trying to find this engagement ring, or wedding ring for about five years.

Doing cream on, so I'm trying to put out fires all over the shop. Everyone else gets a fucking extra hour in there, right? I'm getting second. Second. Second. Plus, I'm helping in with some fucking wiggly worms and stuff like this and some childhood thing park drink

or something. And I'm like, you're right, Janice, do you want a drink? Do you want a tea? Let me help you, rah, rah, rah. Just trying, Joe, being a nice person gets you nowhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, so going back to your earlier question. Completely changed what you said earlier, yeah.

Do what you want, all right? Do you know what? It's 10 years now. I'll show you the real me. Fuck em all. Fuck em all, buy the book. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And there you are out.

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. Your dream side dish. Do you know what? Probably like macaroni cheese. Yeah. And you do get it on the sides now. It was never a side when I was growing up, macaroni cheese.

Was it? No, it was May night. It was past the break. There you go. But now you get it on the side with like, there's this one place that I order it from again. It's exciting. And it's like covered in breadcrumbs.

But I'm talking like half alive. It's nice. Macaroni cheese is a side because it's just, do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Do you want breadcrumbs on it? Do you know what? Not always. Got to be in the moody foodie for breadcrumb.

But yeah, I love a macaroni cheese on the side because I feel like I'm having too dinner. But this is great because I'm a cheese boy as well. Yeah. Love cheese. Love it. And you've got cheese in the starter. Cheese in the side.

Oh, what's coming? No, no, no, shut up. Don't even. I'm still getting over all the stuff that I can't remember happened on Bake Off. I can't remember. Oh, I'm scared. Prue losing her wedding ring.

I mean, clearly I was like, I was in a daze. I'm looking for a ring. What did she, what's found? I even rung my psychic. I haven't told you that. She was on the end of a pier. On fire. I remember, I've got, she was really stressing out.

And I was like, let me ring psychic Alex. And she was like, I can see it. It's in a pocket. It's in a pocket. And like, we're going pro taking pockets. Like, oh, it's all gone. I know, my pocket probably. How's psychic Alex saved in your phone?

Psychic Alex. Psychic Alex. I can't remember they gave us an 1.5 extra on the technical. I can. And I still did as badly as I did. Yeah. I remember. Still did a deconstructed creamhorn.

Yours was so bad. A lot of the team as well from the show was obviously teams I've worked with, like on my shows. I know you. And I just remember one of the floor managers just looked at me like, and I looked at her as if to say, you fucking taken a pier. I mean, listen. It's all for a good cause.

I'm all for it. Hearing that Michelle Keegan shouldn't have won. No, I did not say that. I've always thought that. That's not my words. That was your inference. It's not my words. No, Michelle did really, really well.

Actually, everyone did. Russell did well. Tovey, he was really good. Not everyone did well. James did amazing. Yeah. Genuinely, if it weren't for James, I genuinely think James was the best one in that tent.

Yeah, yeah. You had to help with his wiggly worms. Listen, are we allowed to talk about that? Oh, you're on about baking. Yeah, no, literally, I loved you being there. It was amazing. Even in your, why the fuck am I here? I can't see out of one eye state.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just got off a plane. I'm like, yeah, yeah. Let me hold you. Let me hold you. I don't know what was happening. And then we're all in like Winnebago's that rocks. I'm like, where am I?

Yeah, yeah, we're in our little Winnebago's. And I was like, it's going around in the days because Ryan was right next to me. Yeah. So that was like, you default had to help me. Do you have Michelle on? Yeah, Michelle on. She didn't bring up the extra time, did she?

No, I haven't come up. She didn't bring it up. She also didn't bring up that she lived down the road from you. Which prompts the question, does she ever hop over your garden fence and ask for some dinner? We haven't done that yet. That's what she used to do. No, but when I bought where I built my house,

I know Mark was looking at the plot of land I got. But then he's got another one now. And obviously they've built their house. So we're literally about five minutes from each other now. When the delivery came up as being available in the area, did you shout over the fence first? I don't know if she thinks it's available where he is. Oh, really?

Because five minutes where I live is about four miles. Four or five miles. So yeah, because my mum, I built her a house five minutes from mine. She can't get it. Oh, no. She can't get it. But actually, my mum is constantly eating on the phone.

Triphal, M&S. M&S, Triphal. AR, she rang me twice last night. If I showed you my phone, you'll see my real name's Ross. She'd be like, Ross, why haven't you answered the phone if she's just rung me? Yeah. Then she'll ring me again.

I've got like three missed calls. So last night, I then seen my phone and think, fuck, she's had a fall. She's been attacked. She's being robbed. Did I leave them airwick air fresheners on your kitchen island? I swear to fucking god, look.

Also, if you've got missed calls from her, you know that she's been eating all night. Because she's phoning you. I've just got a text from her. So this is last night. Ross, did I leave your air fresheners? Just now, 10.31. Ross, where are you?

I'm in your house. Why are you in my house? I'm at work. Do you want to give her a call? Should we ring her? Yeah, give her a call. She probably is. Interesting if Linda's eating.

Hello. All right, where are you? Oh, fucking, I'm with you. I thought you just murdered, you know? What? Because I've not answered the phone. You know, I went in, couldn't see you, went upstairs to put the plug-ins in, you know, the things.

Air freshener? Evasion look like it's been fucking made safe. I'm sorting out the beauty drawers. I'm sorting out where we're then face masks and everything. That's what's on the floor. I've been on my interest. Oh, I see them letters there. I've talked to someone, Dan, you in.

I've been at the swimming pool to see if you're fucking committed to it, so I know. Oh, I've been in the office to put the thing up, to shut the door. But you know, I've phoned in, I thought, where the fuck is he? Mum, you phoned me once. I've got no little message, Joe. Yeah, Sam, where are you?

And I've just seen it. Yeah. Oh, God, so where are you, anyway? I'm at work. I'm doing a podcast for the book. Oh, right, well, sorry, I didn't know you was going next. I thought you told me you were at tomorrow. The telly was on.

I've left it on, so I didn't know where you was. Yeah, no, I left the telly on the sign. All right. All right, go on then. I'll ring you later. Ring you now. Oh, all right. Oh, God.

What art, Sam? Looked in every cupboard. Why do you think I'm being a fucking cupboard? In case someone's cut you out for something. In case someone's cut me up. Well, for where is he? He ain't tell me he's at today. Sorry, I didn't realize I needed to ring you

to tell you I was going to work. Mum, I'm on my way to James, but I thought I popped in on the way. All right. Did you find the air fresheners, by the way? Yeah, I've got them. Oh, good. I didn't put them in in the front room because I'm fine with that velvet.

So I put it up in the spare room. You know, the room next to yours, one of them. Right. In that bedroom, plugged it in. And the other one had run out behind the puffy up the top glass. See, the spider I touched it. Yeah, I put the spider under the glass. Yeah, I didn't like it.

Yeah, under the glass. See, there. All right, then, go on. I'll talk to you later. What time are you on? I don't know yet. I'll let you know. All right, Mum. Do you know your street doors? When I'm in, it sort of double locks itself.

Why? It's automatic, Mum. Oh, all right. As long as you can get in when you get home, I ain't got to come here. Mum, I live there. Of course I can get in. Yeah, I know. But you've said to me, don't double lock it.

I don't, but I had to turn it a few times to unlock it. Mum, it's fingerprint. It's fine. Don't worry. All right, all right. I'm going to join you just to pression it out and then I'll be out. All right, Mum. And then, do you need anything picked up? No, I'm all right.

What are you laughing at? No, just you. You just make me laugh. Right, I'm going. Oh, God, I love you. Love you, bye. Bye. I went in the gym. Went in the gym and all. Right.

I thought he was away in the air. I thought it was that property. Well, I'm not going to be dead in the gym, am I? Oh, I don't know. Perhaps you've worked out. Something's been on you or something. Right. All right, I'm going.

Bye. Now, do you see what I've got to put up with? Oh, it's brilliant. Everyone thinks she's hilarious. Well, she is. Well, she is. Yeah, yeah. She called me.

She didn't even know she was being... No, she called me, right? Really funny. At 10... 10.50, she called me, right? Yeah. At 10.30, she texted me saying, where are you?

I'm in your house. Now, this happened not long ago. Yeah. Right? I'm single now. Yeah. And the worst thing I ever did was give my mum a fob for my gates. Genuinely.

Because now, I've had to put location on my phone to see where she is. Right? She will just turn up. Yeah, yeah. Let herself in, which is fine. She's my mum. You do what you want.

You do you. But I said to her very specifically, one night, do not come round in the morning. I will not be there. Yeah. I'm going training with my trainer and his house. I will not be there. All right, yeah.

No, right. Bye. Bye, Jamie. That's my brother. I had someone at my house that stayed. At 8.30 the following morning, I'm in bed. And I can hear, Baaah!

Baaah! I've never jumped out of bed so quickly. Run down the stairs to scream, what the fuck are you doing here? I thought you were out. Whose cars that? I wouldn't get the fuck out of my house and go home. She was like, all right.

She was gone. This is my life now. This is my life. She thought something had fallen on you at the gym. I've checked every cupboard and she would cut up. Checked all the cupboards. If you don't answer her within five minutes, you're dead apparently.

That's it, it's all over. Cut up and dead in the cupboards or something's fallen on you at the gym. The spiders are still under the glass. So that's it. That's the other thing I wanted to check about. So there was a spider. I got bit on my face the other week.

It's still there. I've got a little lamp. I don't know what happened. I saw the spider the other day and I just threw a glass over it. And just left it there. For now. For now.

But she saw it and she hasn't touched it. She won't touch it. Saw the spider. My room doesn't look like a bomb's here. I've got like a dressing room and I was sorting out all my beauty stuff yesterday. I believe the phrase was, your room looks like it's been fucking ransacked.

Yeah, that's it. Which is why she thought I was dead. Which is why she thought I was dead. Every bit of that. Every bit. Oh, you can't. Where are you? Well, I'm clearly not there.

I checked the pool in case you've done yourself in. I suppose you didn't check under the glass. No, no, with the spider. I'm an adult man and it's daytime on a Wednesday. So... I'm 33 on a Wednesday daytime. And my mum is calling me thinking I'm dead in a cupboard. Because I've not spoken to her since last night

at about 10 o'clock when she was looking for some air fresheners. That she's now plugged in behind the poofy. And for what I gather, she's going to someone else's house now. She's now going to my brother's other air freshener. She's now going to my brother's, who I wouldn't normally say this, but by the time this comes out, he won't be,

is on holiday and she will let herself in there and freshen it up. But what she does, we just let her do it now because it's easier to not have the arguments. They stop fucking doing it. I have a window cleaner. The whole back of my house is glass.

I pay them quite a lot of money to clean the inside and outside them windows, so they look nice. She will come in with a cloth and wipe the inside of my windows. So when it's sunny, all it is is smearing. And the reason why she does it is because she used to,

my God, rest his soul, she used to drive up back to London where we used to live every week, to my uncle Bert's before we died and used to clean his windows because he lived in a block of flats and she used to hang out, fucking hell, she's seven days late and clean his windows.

But never would tell her that the windows were fucking smeary. So she thinks she's handy-handed. She thinks, oh no, she cleans her windows are the best windows in Essex now. But she don't realise when she's using a cloth,

you then need to use a different cloth to buff it off. So I've got a specialist glass cleaner. I've got this. I've got windows up. I've got this. No, don't work with Linda. So I paid more in that for her to fuck the windows up that have just been cleaned. Absolutely brilliant.

But that's my mum. So for anyone who thinks that she's not a real person, there you go. There you go. Tenna, she stops at Marx's as well. Shall I just ring her and just say you go and Marx? You dream drink, Cori then? They dream drink. Peroni.

Yeah. Straight in. Yeah, I'm quite easy like that. Peroni boy. Yeah. Love a bottle of Peroni. Whenever, with whatever, with whoever. What's your perfect setting, though, for a Peroni?

If you think about it. Perfect setting for a Peroni. Oh, on a beach. On a beach somewhere. Trunks or shorts? Shorts. I went to Barcelona on my own. I've never been away on my own quite recently.

And I got all brave and took my top off on the beach. And then I just realised people weren't even wearing anything. I was on a nudist beach. So it wasn't brave at all? No. In fact, I was a pussy up. Let's get on to your dream dessert now. Your dream dessert.

Obviously, you know, we met in the Bake Off tent. We did. Loads of sugar around. Loads of desserts. Ed was hinting earlier that he's excited you might choose a cheeseboard for desserts. You've picked cheese for other things. I'm not adverse to a cheeseboard.

OK. Definitely adverse to a cheeseboard. Here's the thing. Rylan is the only person that I won't flip out at. Because Rylan saved my life. So I can't get angry if Rylan chooses a cheeseboard. No, I'm not adverse to a cheeseboard. But it would never be my first twist.

Thank you. I would definitely eat a bit of cheese. Keep your fucking grapes and all that. No. Just give me the cheese. I don't want, oh, you know, grape, compote, fuck off. Put it somewhere else. Not here.

Yeah. Anything to do with white chocolate, I'm sold. Lovely. Again, moody foodie. I've got to be in the mood for a dessert. Let alone what dessert I've got to be in the mood for a dessert. Right. Sometimes dessert will be a latte.

OK. Sometimes dessert will be a white chocolate cheesecake with melting white chocolate sauce or something. Anything like that I will eat. Save the fruit. Don't want your fruit. You know, we're not in an orchard. OK.

Just give me dough. Give me chocolate. I tell you what's lovely. Them cookies at Domino's. They're handsome. Because they're not really cooked. Yeah. They're still going.

That's what you want. You want basically raw cookie dough. Raw but hot. Raw but hot enough to melt the white chocolate. I'm there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're nice. One of the best mistakes I've ever made

was in Leeds Shopping Centre. There was a really long queue for something that me and my tour manager thought was a kind of like a fro-yo stand. So we're like, let's go and get the fro-yo. Ordered what we thought was fro-yo and then got given two very hot slabs of cookie dough with some like soft serve on the side.

And we were not gutted about that. That was delicious. I've just come. Yeah. You're welcome. Welcome. But yeah, anything like that. I absolutely love.

Don't get me wrong, Yarlita, for a fit of wrong. Yeah. But it's a bit of a waste. Yeah. Have a dessert, I think. I don't mind a selection as well. You know, like when you get like, oh, just like a mini cheese cake and a milfoy.

Something like that. You like that? Milfoy. A thousand days. Yeah, something like that. Or a pastel denata. I want a big pastel denata. Yeah.

Why have we got big ones? Yes, the little ones are nice. Make me a big one. Not like a cake. Like a serving pastel denata. Like a big... Like you can cut slices out of it. You turn it upside down?

No, not a pastel. Not a pastel. It is good to enjoy. I don't like upside-down food unless it's only the pie. I should clarify that. That's the only upside-down food you like. What about a pineapple upside-down cake? Vile made one a Masterchef for like these people

that was really fucking crazy. You did very well on Masterchef. I did do well, thank you. But, oh, it was bizarre. We went to this place where people think they're Victorians and they're all dressed up. What? The past? Literally, I went to the past in Birmingham.

I made a pineapple upside-down cake. All right, let me just explain. So we get given this challenge where it's like, you're going to this place and we're like, what is it? Next thing you know, we're on some like rickety, open-top bus and there's people going, who the hell do that? And they're all like dressed as Victorians, but we're like, all right, it's like a place, fine.

But then like, they're really playing along. Like they believed it a bit too much for my liking. So it was like you had to make dinner for these people in teams from the past. So like, I think Kimberly was on my team or someone else, Shari Murphy, someone like that. And they made like a pineapple upside-down cake, not for me. So what is your typical Victorian thing

that I could make for a mane that was vegetarian? Cause I was on that bit, I made large ravioli. I mean, you've mimed how large they were. I mean, we're talking 15, 20 centimetres by 20 centimetres. That's a big old ravioli. It's like one ravioli with like a, I think I did like a spinach and ricotta filling or something like that.

Well, I got told, as I'd made it, cause obviously John and Greg don't say anything, then they watch you and then they decide to do things. He was like, pasta wasn't invented then. I'm like, what the fuck is now? Sorry, I weren't about. So then I take over my big tray of ravioli and people are like, I have the vegetarian ravioli.

What is it? And I'm like, spinach and ricotta. And they're like, no, what is this creation? You know when you're like, you know when you're like, babe, you literally had a McDonald's breakfast on the way here. Stop playing the fucking game and eat the ravioli. So yeah, they did your head. My God, I just worried me a bit.

Did they like the pineapple upside-down cake? They were all over it, like fucking flies around shit. It's mad that they had pineapples before pasta. Yeah, that's crazy. So you wouldn't take a pineapple upside-down cake and eat that upside-down, because is an upside-down pineapple upside-down cake a right way up upside-down?

It's the cake the right way up anyway, because of its origins. Yeah, so is a pineapple upside-down cake, is it upside-down default? Or when you turn it, if you turn it pineapple upside-down cake the other way around. You bake it, so it's the wrong way round.

So then when you flip it out, the reason it's called an upside-down cake is because it's baked upside-down. Right. So when it's actually out, it's the right way up. It's the right way up. So actually it's just pineapple cake. Is a tartatane like that as well?

Do you put the apples in, then the pastry on top? Not necessarily, it can be, but not necessarily. You can make a tartatane without it being, because you don't normally flip a tartatane. Well, it depends what type of one you're doing if you're doing like a pastry case or something. What is your dream dessert though? We haven't landed on this.

A big pastel de nata. Yeah, do you know what? Fuck it. Yes, it brought a big pastel de nata. And I'll ring a bell. You ring the bell, I'll run. Like, knock some elderly Portuguese lady out the way. Yeah, but as soon as that...

And I'll come and buy it for two euro. As soon as that bell gets wrong, you know your mum's coming up as well. Yeah. I'm like, run! Are you in a cupboard? I thought you was cut up in a cupboard. You would like, I'm gonna read your menu back to you now,

see how you feel about it. Okay. Sparkling water, fancy. Poppidoms of bread, you wanted poppidoms with smooth chutney, onion salad and aioli. Starter, deep fried mozzarella, spicy tomato dip, main course. Four East End pies, flipped upside down

with liquor and vinegar. Side dish mac and cheese, those are breadcrumbs. Drink a peroni and dessert, a big pastel de nata. Ring the bell. My bell's ringing. Yeah. Left, right and centre. Fantastic.

That's a good menu. Yeah, tasty. For me, anyway. Yeah, I like it a lot. A nice amount of pastry. Good amount of cheese. Good amount of cheese. I'll say it.

I think it's the beigest menu we've ever had. And visually. Nothing, no, and nothing, but just... I mean, if you had to have one on here, like, oh, I love, like, langwitstein. Fuck off. Fuck off. I'll tell you who we're gonna have next.

It's one of the people from the Victorian town. I want them on and to see what they would pick. Don't fucking bring up pasta. That's a sore subject. I don't know what you're going on about. Well, actually, I know who we wanna have on next and it's your mum. Yeah, your mum's coming on, for sure.

Your mum's coming on. Just do it. Just do it. At least it'll stop her going to your house and playing fucking play-doh. The fact that I know she'd be here, I'd be happy about it. Yeah, yeah.

Literally, I just have to... This is what I do most days when I'm out of the house. I just look... Because she walks in and robs. Yeah, yeah, sure. So about three weeks ago, I watched her on the camera. She didn't tell me she'd gone round. She stole a lamp from my lounge. She walked... I watched her walk out on the security camera

with a lamp, put it in her boot and drive off. So I thought, I'm not gonna say anything. I'm gonna wank for her to say it and she didn't. Two days later, she rang me. She went, have you got an E27 light bulb? I said, for what? She went, I've got a new lamp. Pissed taker.

Ryland, thank you so much for coming to the Dream Resort. Thanks for having me. Well, there we are, a wonderful chat with the wonderful Ryland and Linda. And Linda, God bless. Come into a future episode soon, I hope. Oh, God, I hope so. Amazing.

I mean, always good to talk to Ryland. Lovely to hear some memories from the Bake Off tent that I myself had erased and forgotten. Yes, because you were stood there like a dazed boxer for most of the day. Yeah, I was on a different planet. Didn't know that we got given an extra hour and a half of the day.

Yeah, I was on a different planet. Didn't know that we got given an extra hour. And still, I didn't manage to finish my cream horns. I had such a memory of your cream horns, the shot of them in the oven as they slowly fell off the metal thing. The custard looking like scrambled egg. It went pretty badly and then apparently

Peru lost her wedding ring. Don't remember any of that. Don't remember any of it. Well, they're not going to ask you to search for a wedding ring. No, I'd probably the one who ate it or something. But Ryland didn't say the secret ingredient, which is from that day in the tent, dolly mixture. No, dolly mixture.

And we skirted close, you skirted close around it when you were talking about having fun on the last day. Yeah, maybe was I trying to plant it in his head? I don't know, subconsciously was I trying to sabotage my saviour. But also very funny when you said, we had a lot of fun in that last day and his response is we had fun every day.

Yeah, we had fun every day. The rest of us had fun every day. Yeah, to be fair, we're only there two days. I think Ryland's rant about Bake Off I mean, it'll definitely make the best of this year. It will definitely make the best of. And one day, when everyone who was in that tent has been on the podcast and we can make one big mega-cut

of everyone who was in the tent talking about Bake Off, that's definitely going to be leading. I mean, that to me was a revelation. It changed the way I saw the whole week. Go what? Maybe go, Joe or James, other people were having problems too. It wasn't all about you. Yeah, I was having this big meltdown

and that overshadows the fact that it wasn't just easy street for the rest of them. You know, that's how Ryland was feeling. He was furious in there. But no one, no one hears that song. Michelle seemed pretty chilled out. Yeah, she's pretty chilled out. Yeah, she loves it.

By the sound of things, she's cheated her way to a win, which is what I knew. I knew that all along and Ryland's confirmed it. Who else do we need? Tovi, Prue, Leaf, Tostik. Was it Sandy and Prue? Sandy was hosting. Yeah.

Prue was judging Paul. No. No. I mean, we're basically looking at three from the official side, one from the competitors, the one from the bakers. And then we start working our way through the cameraman. Get Sam in. Yeah.

Ryland's book 10, The Decade That Changed My Future, is published in hardback on 29th of September, 2022, by Seven Dials. Remember, if Ryland ever goes missing, you know where to search. The cupboards, the gym. And the swimming pool in the darkest bit of that phone. Yeah.

The darkest bit in the swimming pool. Yeah. Crikey. Oh, I'm on tour, James. You should probably say that still. Yeah. The tour that never ends. It will never end, and I hope it never does.

Ed Gamble.co.uk for tickets. Come and see me live. Loads of tour dates left. I'm having a lovely time. What can I say? I can't wait to see it. I want to see the show soon. Let's not reveal which one I'm going to go to.

Just in case people want to play. Potluck. No, but. Never mind where I live. Let's just say the people of Halifax are going to be very excited. Well, Ed, it's been fun. Yes, a pleasure as always, James.

Bye-bye. Goodbye. Hello, it's me, Amy Gladhill. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith.

I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case. Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North because, look, we're two Northerners.

Sure, but we've been living in London for a long time. The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News. We'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glill's mum on every episode.

That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.