Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 173: Chris Redd (Live at Just for Laughs Montreal)

Episode Date: December 3, 2022

The third ever live Off Menu, this time across the Atlantic in Canada. With very special guest, Saturday Night Live star and superb stand-up Chris Redd.Follow Chris on Twitter @ReddSaidIt and Instagram @ChrisReddIsRecorded by Just for Laughs Comedy Pro. Edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? Hello, and welcome to the Off Menu podcast with Ed Gamble and James Acaster. Normally, you'll know that I start by doing one of my great intros, my food-based intros. So many, so many good ones. So many good ones to choose from. I'm not doing that in this bit now, because this is a live episode from the Montreal Just For Laugh Festival, recorded on the 30th of July, 2022.

3pm. 3pm, Canada Time. What's the, is there like a name for Canada Time? CT. CT. Recorded at 3pm CT, and I do the intro within the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For the audience that are there. Don't want to overkill it. Don't want to overkill it. It was, I will tell you this, it was a good show.

It was a lovely show. Thank you to everyone who came to see it. Absolutely fantastic. We were awed and amazed by the amount of people that came to see it and knew about the podcast. Excellent venue staff. Yes. Did a bang-up job. We couldn't have asked for more. We couldn't have asked for more. It was in, I mean, essentially, I guess a conference room of a hotel or a ballroom, but it felt, it felt like home.

Yeah, it felt like home away from home. And, well, we do all this on the pod, really, but we've got a wonderful special guest. Yes, Chris Red. Chris Red. One of our heroes. One of our heroes, a fantastic comic. You should immediately go and check out Chris Red's stuff. He's an amazing stand-up at SNL.

Yeah, just a bit. Just a bit, mate. But for now, this is the beginning of the live episode from Montreal Just For Laugh's 3pm CT, 30th of July, 2022, with the wonderful Chris Red. We hope you enjoy it. We hope you enjoy it. We hope you enjoy it. Thanks.

Thanks. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. It's not.

Yeah, baby! A slick start. I'm glad we got here, full hour before to do a tech run-through just so we could have that awkward silence before the theme music came on, and then not turn the microphones on immediately. That's really established the authority in the room. Good stuff. We should have told them that in the tech run-through though.

That we wanted the microphones on? No, we didn't mention we wanted the microphones on. rehearsal, but at no point did we go, hey, make sure this is on. So that's on us. Fuck, we've got a really aggressive clock there as well. That's even more of a heckle. They hadn't started until I mentioned it. This can't be the show, can it? All right, your time starts now. Welcome to the off-menu podcast, taking... Thank you. That's really given me some time to think about what my intro is going to be.

Taking the fries of humour, sprinkling over the curds of chat. Oh, he knows where he is. Pouring over the... Is it gravy? It's fucked up, whatever it is. The gravy of friendship to create the poutine of the podcast. It's actually one of my best ones for a while. Well done. That was a very good one. James, there may be people in here who are completely baffled as to what's happening right now, so do you want to give them a quick explanation of what the podcast is?

This is the off-menu podcast. I am a genie waiter, Ed is a matriot, and we own a dream restaurant, and every week we bring in a guest, and we ask him their favourite ever, starter, main course, dessert, side dish, and drink. Now, in that order, and this week our guest is... Chris Redd! No, not yet, Chris, not yet. You don't need to come out yet, Chris. Not yet, Chris. He's fucking pumped! Stay there, Chris!

He's pumped. I say that, he's literally, I mean, eating a McDonald's maybe one second before we came on. So we're going to see him on that McDonald's high for about ten minutes, and then a crushing depression, I'd imagine, immediately afterwards. Fully respected that. Fully respected the pre-Gig McDonald's. We've done one minute forty. You can't live your life like this, man. This is going to make it very difficult if we're doing this whole thing with Rain Man at the end,

so just focus. It's a hacker reference. And that's you saying that. And proud. Look, if you've listened to the Off Menu podcast before, you'll know that every week, even though, look, we love Chris Redd, right? One of the best comedians ever. But if Chris Redd says a secret ingredient, an ingredient which we deem to be disgusting,

then we will kick him out of the Dream Restaurant. It'd be more awkward if we do that in a live episode, but... Especially as we've got an hour and twenty-seven to film. Fucking hell. Imagine being at an airport with him. James and Benito, you need to hurry up. I don't know why you wouldn't get there three hours before for international travel. I've got there three hours before, Ed, with you.

I'd have too much fun before getting on the plane. Too much fun. Save some of the fun for the flight. Shall we get them to help us choose a secret ingredient? This is going to be audience sourced. The secret ingredient. Welcome to Canada. Look at this shit.

Fucking amazing. Are you holding something? Don't even fucking bubble with that. I know what that is. Don't fall for that, Ed. The way the spotlight glinted off the cabbage there was really something to behold. How about this? Go fuck yourself.

You've had your hand up for a long time. I'm going to steal her evaporated milk. Wow. You literally just put your hand up higher than hers. Fuck you, evaporated milk. Did it even do it like a gentleman and go, well, she has one. Are you her brother?

Yeah, that makes sense. What's your name? Thank you for your secret ingredient. Evaporated milk. Why evaporated milk? What is it? The clue is in the name. It's one of the most specific names ever.

I wonder what it could possibly be. I can't agree with that. You kind of think if it's evaporated, it doesn't exist, right? What is it, James? I'll tell you what it isn't. Condensed milk. It's not condensed milk. Do you want to explain that quickly before we bring Chris out?

Yes. During the lockdown, I did a little cook-alongs with my mother over Zoom. I'm a good son. We mistakenly invited Ed to one once because he wanted to learn how to make a certain type of ice cream, and it needs condensed milk. She had told us that ahead of time.

Ed bought evaporated milk and trolled my mum for an hour over Zoom. She didn't work. The recipe doesn't work. Shit ice cream made shit ice cream. You've made some ox solid ice cream. So that's a contender. It's very nice for not laughing

at James doing cook-alongs with his mum because every time I hear that, I want to fucking scream. I remember. Half this audience of mine, half are yours. And... That is not true, James. You won an award yesterday for Rising Star. No one fucking knows who I am with.

By the way, quick update on that. Yesterday, he won an award for Rising Star. Tonight, he's doing a show at Club Soda on the big canopy outside. He says, tonight, 9.30, James Ancaster. So... See you there. See all the Anne fans at the gig.

That's a good contender. Do we have some more? Diet Coke. Diet Coke. Oh, God. OK, security? We've got a guy here who wants to meet the pavement. Let's not have any prompts for any of James's long stories this early on because we do have some...

A weaker here, Diet Coke. Over here, genuinely, it's like Diet Diet Coke. Right. The Diet Coke in Canada, it doesn't taste as much like Diet Coke and like it's weaker. It's like less sweet and more watery here. Right. That's what I noticed.

Yeah. Fun seeing it live, right? Without bonito to edit this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Beats. Beats. Oh, I think we're saving that. You mean, like, short for beetroots, you don't hate funky music.

You hate beets. Borscht beets, did you say? But one day we want to have Rainn Wilson on the podcast and we'll save that secret ingredient for then. Maybe we'll shout you out. Yeah? Pumpkin seeds. We might have had that already.

Bonito, pull the spreadsheet up. Quite like pumpkin seeds, especially toasted. I like toasting them in a frying pan and then you add them to salads and stuff. Any insight into your home life I absolutely love. Doing that with my mum over Zoom. Toasted pumpkin seeds today.

Do you love me, Mum? Ask because she loves me. I think evaporated milk's still the... Interesting. Top content. There's someone from way over there. There's someone from downtown. Yeah, yeah. You looking around and thinking if it's you. Clementines.

What? What? What? What the fuck? A fucking clementines. Lady with a big bag of clementines over there? The fuck is he saying? Clementines are delicious.

Clementines is good. What do you not like about clementines? Disgusting in salads. They're disgusting in salads. You could say that about anything. I'll go for a specific secret ingredient. Clementines in a salad. That for me is the front runner so far.

Shall we get one more and see? Yeah, yeah, you pick someone. Anyone's feelings. You right there in the middle. Creton. Creton. Well... I think it's actually quite a smart guy.

Creton. You are saying crouton completely wrong, Maddie. What is Creton? Creton is a ground pork. Ground pork. Every word of this is more and more delicious. What the fuck are you talking about? It's ground pork and you mix it with fat

and spread it on toast. It's actually disgusting. But no one's told me why it's disgusting. Is it raw? Someone's just said. That would be a secret ingredient. Raw pork. Instead of blood pudding.

Instead of blood pudding. That would annoy me. Maybe we go with... Because we're here. We're never going to be able to choose that as a secret ingredient again. I don't think it will come up. Creton. I hope Chris hasn't heard all of this discussion.

I think when I told him not yet, I think he's gone home. Shall we go with Creton? Creton. Yeah, I don't mind going with that. The consensus is yes. Fair enough. Cometine salad guy is going to be going home feeling pretty sad about that.

I was so goddamn close. By the way, in a minute we're going to sit down on these chairs. This is the last time this half of the room will see me. But thanks for coming. Not me though. I've got a plan. I haven't told you about it. I love your plans that you haven't told me about.

Like you being a fucking genie for the podcast. That was a plan you never told me about. Can't my normal puns buy it? Trying to get on our guest, I think. Shall we pop ourselves down? The setup we've gone with is me and James sit either side of our guest and go for a pincer attack. That's your plan, is it?

There's no point in trying to stop you now, but that plan is shit. The plan. What's Chris going to do? It's going to feel really weird if you're just perched up there. It's up to Chris. He can sit on that bit, that bad bit. He's got a little table there he can sit on. You didn't offer the actual sofa as an option there?

Yeah, yeah, actual sofa. I was back. Stand up. I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, Chris. You can sit wherever you like when you come out. Shall we get Chris on? Yes, please. Please welcome the venue of Chris Webb!

What's up, y'all? I always wanted to be a rapper, now I get to be two. We hadn't even thought of that option, that's fucking brilliant, Chris. Yeah, you got to be innovative. In surround sound. Hello, Chris. How was your McDonald's?

Oh, it was exactly what McDonald's always is. It seemed when you're starving, it seems delicious, and then halfway through the meal, you were eating trash and you remember. The fries were nice this time, though. You had fries and nuggets. Six nuggets, that's not a full commitment.

You get ten nuggets, nigga, finish that. Four nuggets, are you a child? Six nuggets, that's an adult with some shit to do. Damn, I might use that for myself. That feels retty, man. Please don't feel like I was in the back, like, I got to be old. My opener has to be amazing.

Are you a foodie, Chris? I'm a foodie, I love to cook, learn to cook with a couple of my cousins over FaceTime during the pandemic. Yeah. That is great. We got really good,

and my cousin got really good, and he quit his job to become a chef. I don't think he was that good. He was good, not good enough to quit your fucking job, sir. So then he called me six months after that, and it was like, I made a mistake. I'm like, I know you did.

I know you did. You should name that after your steak, nigga, because you made a big one. What sort of food does he cook? He cooks steak, he's a barbecue, he's a big barbecue dude, and he likes a lot of French shit, so he mixes that.

He's like, it's like Cajun, I'm like, no. Or yeah. He just makes a lot of sandwiches. I like to make a lot of seafood. I like to make spicy shit.

I like to make a lot of black and any kind of fish, really. I cook all fish. I love shrimp. They say it's high cholesterol. I don't go fuck. I'm high. So there it is.

Not now. I love the Bacon Wrapper steak, though. It's just amazing to me. And in scallops, I'm still trying to get how to perfectly cook it. I can cook it to taste good, but you know how it comes out in the restaurant? It's just charred at the top,

but then it's white on the side, like Michael Jackson wanted. Yeah. I'm trying to learn how to do that. Yeah. Make a Michael Jackson steak. Yeah. Not Michael Jackson steak.

Oh, I thought you said steak. The sound up here is weird. Yeah, it's crazy. Is it going to rain? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big time. I like scallops, actually. I like scallops.

Scallops are good. How are you doing them? You're not getting them charred on the outside and white around the outside? What I've learned is you have to heat the pot up like really, really, really, really hot. That's my tip for cooking generally.

Yeah, but like hotter than usual. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, you got a cast iron skillet, then you got to get it super hot. So then when you, because they cook fast, so then you put it on and you char it real quick. I didn't, I just learned that.

So I haven't tried it yet, but I will when I get home. Make sure you update us. I will. Give me everybody's emails and Instagram. I'll send out, put us in a group chat. That shit won't be chaotic at all. Took me ages to learn

that when cooking everything, you don't have to put it up to maximum every time. Really? Yeah, I used to do that every time, no matter what I was cooking. I wanted it to cook real quick and be real. I want to wait around, so I'd always just whack it up to full and do it on that. And then once someone told me like,

you should have that online number three, and I was like, I don't have time. Yeah, how did your ramen noodles come out? Yeah, everything tasted disgusting, but I've lost because I'm a novice, you know. And you set the fire alarm off on your flat a lot. Yeah, I used to. Back in the day with that flat,

set the fire alarm off all the time, and then it set all the fire alarms off in the whole building, and then the fire brigade got automatically called. Luckily, there was an old lady who had dementia. You had progress, you know what I'm saying? You started with one, you were like, yo, I got to expand my business. I got to evacuate everybody.

Backfire on the first night, that happened, and the whole building was outside, and everyone was really old in my building, apart from one teenager, and he was just there in his PJs on the lawn, and he just went, and noticed me, I was like, oh, shit.

We live in the same building, and now he knows I'm here. Who does this teenager live with? He was living with his mum to his credit. Yeah. And a batshit dog, really crazy dog. A batshit dog.

A mad dog was, comically mad, the lady in the building who started up the, it wasn't a WhatsApp group, she was too old, but it would be like an email chain, which would add you to it, and then you'd get emails every now and again that were always started by her about her concerns about the building.

Well, it wasn't, I mean, my favourite email chain that you used to have in your old flat, with all the residents, that matter was the smell. The smell? That chain went on for a long time. The smell. And everyone was talking about where the smell might come from.

There's a smell, and we're all trying to figure out what the smell is. Yeah, the last email was someone going, is anyone putting the temperatures on their oven too high? Because the smell's pretty bad. What was the smell like? I didn't go over there enough to smell the smell. Maybe it's just James.

The smell was unpleasant, but here's the stupid thing about the whole, it took about a month to get to the bottom of what the smell was. A lot of people chipping in with their theories about the smell. And a lot of people saying like, it smells like a disgusting, like just trash,

like a big skip, like a bin full of trash, and then it just turned out that it was the bins. LAUGHTER Damn, though. It took a month to get it. You've got to clean those bins. It just didn't.

Just all of you realizing what rubbish smells like together. Yeah. Oh, it's not. Hey, man, I think this is trash. LAUGHTER I ain't that a bitch. I thought it was you, Ted. Anyway. Something smells like shit. Have you just done a shit before we start another email chain?

Yes. I don't like building email chains. I don't like that shit. They send it in New York all the time. They're in my building, and I don't know because you're the only one in the email. And they'll be like, hey, we've heard that you are smoking cigarettes in a lobby.

And I'm like, hell, no, I'm not. Well, I smoke weed. I'm specific with my smoke. You know what I mean? Don't be telling me I smoke somewhere. So I always respond back and I'm like, hey, I ain't do that shit. Leave me. And they're like, it's not for you.

I'm like, well, we wasting our time. LAUGHTER I got evicted. LAUGHTER Chris Radd. Still a sparkling water. Still. I'm a still man. APPLAUSE

OK. Oh, there's a lot of claps, but also a few people shaking their hands and getting angry. Yeah, I don't know. What are you liquid bubble mothfuckers about, man? Huh? Everything don't got to be fun. LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER I just got to get the job done, man. Water can be functional, right? Yeah, man. Who's a scientist? Who's a water mothfucker? Let's put bubbles in this shit. You find it so it's too fun sparkling water is that your main problem?

It's got too much shit going on. I don't like the fact that it has the consistency as bright without the fun of it. Yeah. That's why I don't like about Seltzer either. Seltzer's trying to beast too many things. He loves Seltzer, this guy. Hard Seltzer.

I've got into hard Seltzer. Hard Seltzer are fun because I like how I feel. Yeah, that's a fun feeling, right? Yeah. But that's a priority, though. That's a real priority. La Croix? Fuck you. Don't like it. Got too many flavors and they all suck.

And the flavor's too slight as well. That's what it is. It's like a whisper of fruit in the background. Have some conviction. It's like you didn't put the fruit in there, you put the fruit by it. It's not the same thing. You introduced the fruit to it. You're like, Mr. Raspberry, this is Sparkling Water

and goodbye, Mr. Raspberry. More bubbles, please. I'd like to hear more about this, Mr. Raspberry. Mr. Raspberry. He's a good guy, Mr. Raspberry. Yeah, tell us more about Mr. Raspberry. What kind of a person? What aspirations do they have?

Mr. Raspberry. It's lovely of you to switch to they, just in case Mr. Raspberry's proud. You don't know why he goes with Mr. so I think we can assume he him. But he's good. Broadly very nice, but also he fucking hates Mrs. Strawberry.

He hates Mr. Strawberry. Because Mrs. Strawberry's had the lime life for too long. I mean, not set lime now, that's confusing. Mr. Strawberry's a bad bitch. I would say that. She holds it down, she stays grounded. But half the year Mrs. Strawberry does not taste nice.

Nah, man, she's in a bad mood. You ever had Mrs. Strawberry when she ain't right? Ugh. I asked you that, like I was going to say more. Yeah. And I just thought about it in my head.

I was like, ugh. But yeah, that's it. Yeah, she's not good. But Mr. Raspberry, he knows his time's coming, I think. Yeah. Are we Raspberry fans in the house? I mean, what do you even use a Raspberry for?

Jam, cheese cake. Someone said cheese cake. It's so funny, I knew I was joking. I was laughing and she looked like... It is serious stuff. I don't like the little hairs on raspberries though. Little hairs on raspberries. I don't like that, that's creepy.

Let's go on natural. This whole thing, I make it feel like they have to shave. It's not cool, man. I don't like raspberry going through puberty in front of my face. In front of your face? Yeah.

Right. It is as though it's proper like, it's like teenage stubble on a raspberry, isn't it? You want it to grow like a proper beard. Oh, this is getting disgusting. Disgusting? Yeah, you sound like a pedophile. Man.

I love my scallops this specific way. Sounds... Sounds bad. I've honestly ignored raspberries like pretty much my whole life. Yeah? It's all... But now we've personified the raspberry.

There's real emotion here. She's going to go to the grocery store like, I love you. Man, are you going to buy those? No. Would you not buy a punnets of raspberries? You wouldn't go and buy a punnets? What? Yeah.

As soon as you said that, I was like, I can't really even imagine Chris Redd saying one punnet of raspberries, please. Yo, let me get one punnet, man. I said punnet. Let me get your manager, dawg. So I'm in here trying to get one punnet, right? And this nigga talking shit.

And the raspberry is getting old. She's cuddling them. Get me a punnet. I'm going to use it today. Yeah. Just a box of raspberries, basically. Yeah, I figured. But I was going to...

No, I was stupid for a very long time. And I had smart friends and they would say shit. I was like, uh-huh. And in my head, you have to deduce. I think that's the right word. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, deduce is so close to do-do. Anyway.

So you wouldn't go and buy a punnet of raspberries? No, but I buy a punnet of grape stuff. Yeah? Yeah. That's a good punnet food. Yeah, I like a little punnet of grape, a little punnet of strawberries. How quickly would you go through a punnet of grapes? Oh, shit.

20 minutes. Wow. I mean, I like fruit all the time. Well, how quick would you go for a punnet of strawberries? Let's say you go to a food fair and there's a load of different... Huh? Do you mean a supermarket?

No, no. So you mean like a supermarket outside? No, you got like a county fair where there's like... There's loads of different stuff happening. There's like a guy on a dunk tank. Do you think... Do you think Chris is from Oklahoma?

A dunk tank? Yeah, like on a stall and they throw the ball and it hits the thing and then they go... Oh, like a carnival. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's some food eating contests. Yeah. And they're all punnet based.

And you... Are you going to enter... Do you fancy your chances more in the great... a punnet of grapes eating contest or a punnet of strawberries eating contest which are you going to enter? I don't know why you doubt my questions

before I get to the end of them. No, I do. They're great questions. It's a very fun question. Yes, sir. I would do a punnet of strawberries. If you could eat them quicker. Yeah, probably so. If you were racing through the strawberries,

would you eat the green bit to save time? If I had to, but I'd be fighting not to though. Yeah. Because you could just grab them quick, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. How big are these strawberries though? Are they like the monster strawberries? Well, it depends what time of year it is.

Later in the year, when they're out of season, I think they're probably a bit bigger and a bit more watery. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then you want the sort of small, intense, sweet ones to just... Those are great. I like those a lot. The big ones look like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle experiment that went wrong. Yeah, yeah.

It's like started growing an arm and I was like, you know what I mean? I totally couldn't understand that. Pop it up your bread, Chris Red. Pop it up your bread, Chris Red. Pop it up your bread, Chris Red. Bread? This is the confusion

we always expect with anyone outside the UK, Chris. Don't worry. Yeah, because like the first word, I didn't know what that was. I heard bread. So I was like, yeah. And that's what it's like to be America when you don't speak French and Montreal. What did you hear

the first word as and would you like to take a guess as to what it is? Popolo or bread? But it's closer than most. Yeah. What was it? Papadoms. Yes.

What is that? Ed? Don't tell me you don't actually know. You've never known. Look, now's the time to say it. I've never been sure. Well, I'm very glad I made the right choice. Just say what the great name tells me. It's like if you're having an Indian meal,

they'll bring out like papadoms at the beginning like a crispy sort of thing and you dip things in. Oh, yes. I still stand by my hands. Or you could have like, you know, whatever would be brought out of this stage in the meal. You know, sometimes you sit there and they bring out like, you know,

bread or it might be like tortilla chips or prawn crackers. Papadoms. You know, so it's like any of that like pre-meal. Carbohydrate. Yeah. Steal bread.

Any particular type of bread? I like a garlic bread. Oh, yeah. I love a garlic bread. I like bruschetta so much. You know, like, yeah, man. You went somewhere there? You went somewhere there? I saw.

Oh, man, yeah, I almost left. Yeah, those are my favorite breads right there. What sort of format of garlic bread are we talking? Baguette. I don't like it all baguette. I mean, if it's baguette, it's got to be cut up. You know what I'm saying? I like the little pieces, like standard little pieces,

real buttered up garlic on it. It should look like, ooh, this shit looks moist. You know what I'm saying? It's the only time I say moist, looking at garlic bread. I think. I'll say it at the country fair when the guy goes in the dunk tank. Yeah.

That man is moist. I don't know, if you're in a dunk tank, you're more than moist. But often when I'm throwing the ball for it, I'm trying to get in their heads, because it won't be as scary as I'm like, I'll be like being moist, you fucking... You're about to get moist.

How you like being moist right before you throw it? Yeah, I hope you like being moist. I would be like, no one loves you. And I would try to... Yeah, get his head a little bit. Even when you walk away, he's like, hey, I know somebody. Yeah, okay, I love me. I like the sweatier the better with garlic bread.

The sweatier... Sweater the better. Don't ever do that hand movement again. What is... Sweater for what? What are you grabbing? I'm grabbing the baguette that's all pre-sliced and I'm squeezing it

and I'm seeing how sweaty the garlic bread is. Our buttery garlicies. Yeah, yeah. I think you mean moist. I think you're talking about the same thing. But you've gone with sweaty and you've gone with moist. You're basically on the stage with two perverts right now. I had garlic bread in my mind

when we was talking and then you did that. Now I'm thinking of armpits. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Back to the raspies. Going for your PBT again. Man, fucking raspberry, man. So if you had to choose between the garlic bread and the bruschetta,

what you're going for? Bruschetta. The tomatoes take it to another level. Yeah, absolutely. It's a place you've had the best bruschetta that you would go. I want that particular one. This is a place in New York.

What's New Jersey? They have a war going on. And it's a restaurant called Halifax and it's really good and they have like a really great bruschetta there. Halifax. What kind of place is this? It's Nova Scotia, I think. Oh, look at some of the

Nova Scotian. In England, Halifax is a bank. So you're saying you get your best bruschetta from Halifax? Hell yeah. I'm going to go make a deposit right after this. That'd be so fun to walk into that bank and confuse everybody.

I'm here for the bruschetta, please. Is this some kind of account? No. But I guess you got the best of both worlds there because the bread's a bit garlicy, isn't it? And a bruschetta. Well, because the sauce is from the tomatoes that's what I like about it too.

And often what they'll do is just cut a clove of garlic in half and just rub it across the top of the bread just to give the suggestion of garlic. See, now I'm feeling like a perf when I'm doing this. Yeah, but when you do it, it's actually quite arousing, huh? I thought we were very artistic, man.

I was like, this man knows what he's talking about. He could walk into any kitchen but I see what y'all need to do with it. You do the alphabet, there's so much. There we go, very specific sex reference from some people go, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry. Bruschetta's a great choice. Don't look at me like that. If I see you try and move on from this and me and Chris would let you. Oh, the alphabet boy. Ah, man.

I shouldn't really say this because we're not allowed to really talk about it because we're not going to be on TV yet. But I'll tell you, it's exciting. Ed's going to be on Sesame Street. But it's a bit disgusting. What he teaches that one. Yeah, it's awful.

It's awful what I did to those puppets. The count can't fucking count anymore. So why? He's a letterman now. I got the W. He turned back into a bat. Back into? I assume he flips between the two actually, right?

He didn't start as a bat. You never find out the count's back story on Sesame Street, do you? No, he just showed up. Start a count. Yeah. They were like, all these numbers. Who's going? Yes, in my mind,

all the numbers were laying around. Yeah. In disarray. And the count, they got to put these numbers up. That'd be a good episode of Sesame Street. They did an account origin story. That'd be tight. I want to see it like a John Wick tone to it.

Yeah. He says the numbers because someone killed his dog or something. It's like, how many of you are responsible? One. Two. Three. Let's get on to your mail proper. I reckon your dream starter.

My dream starter is Oysters. Twelve Oysters. Yeah, I love them. I've hated Oysters for most of my life until like the last year. My friend put me on Oysters and it's not one of my favorite things.

Yeah, I love it. Amazing. We had some Oysters yesterday. Yes. Joe Beef. You had Oysters at Joe Beef? There was actually way less beef on the menu than I was expecting. Yeah. That feels confusing.

Just from a marketing standpoint. My name is Joe Beef. I got Oysters. Nigga, what? My name is Joe Gunn. I have sandwiches, huh? There were good Oysters at Joe Beef. They were very good. We didn't have 12.

You have more Oysters than you do nuggets. Yeah. That's big boy shit, 12 Oysters. Oysters, I'm like, get over here. Did you say that to the Oysters? I'm good. Yeah, I did. They don't move though, which is crazy. No, but Oysters are like

barely food to me. You know what I mean? It's like a little bit of it's gone. It's almost like the booger of the sea. You know? That's gross. Yeah. You're supposed to like these. These are your dream stars.

You've said they're bad food and they're the boogers of the sea. I mean, listen, I got a lot of weird things in my head. It's not like I yell, the boogers of the sea. We're live today? Absolutely. You're not wearing very much red. No. I used to be very conscious about that

when I was growing up. Now you know how Joe beef feels. But I think Joe beef has beef though. I think Joe beef has beef with the entire industry. Yeah. Oh wait, you think he has, it's more of like an argument, beef stuff.

Yeah, he's like, I don't got to do shit the way you do shit. It's Joe beef's that I cheated. Yeah, he's like, this is a steakhouse. You go in vegan. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. What do you put on the oysters, what are you? Oh, just the standard what is it, like a little cocktail sauce, horseradish and shit, you know what I mean?

And then some lemon and this. I love the shallots. Shallots and lemon, a bit of hot sauce. Yeah, the little cocktail sauce and the lemon and I'm in there. Are you swallowing it or one bite and then down? What bite? We know that eventually you're swallowing it by the way.

The booger. You eat the shell? No. I know you've only recently got into oysters, Chris. You've been doing this all wrong, man. You need to crunch that shell down. Damn, I saw a dude eating the shell. I thought he was a cracker. That was the how you did it.

I like the alphabet on it with my tongue. You got to practice before you go home. You got to eat the shell. You know that metal thing they put them on, so they're why do they do that? I don't know. Why do they need to be, I mean, you're basically the oysters of the stage at the moment. You're slightly higher

off the... That was the award I got. Oyster of the stage. And when you came to get the award, you slid off? Yeah. That's real tight. They're always on a little stage themselves, aren't they, when they bring them? I chew them now,

to be honest with you. I don't slurp and just gulp. That feels aggressive. I didn't come here to do that. It's not a porn. I'm eating like a gentleman. How often when you go out for dinner,

do you have to check your surroundings and assess that this is not a porn? All the time. Yeah. Turns out a lot of porn use real life situation. Yeah. As the jumping off porn. To be fair, Joe Beef sounds like an X-mail porn store.

It sounds like a porn store. If you told me he walked out and had no shirt on and was just like welcome, I'd be like, yeah, it sounds about right. Joe Beef. Best waitress you've ever had in your life? That sounds disgusting, but that's not what I meant.

Wait, you didn't like this waitress? No, I'd thought like... She was great. Never before has a waitress been better at their job, in his opinion. But also, you were half an hour late for the meal, so she had a lot of hard work to do. The menu's in French, so she had to translate the whole

thing for me and then wait for this dick to arrive and do the same thing again. What were you doing? I got an award. Very proud of you, man. Very proud. I did come and see James get his award, by the way. I just had to leave early to get to the table at Joe Beef. Came to see it.

We all saw him leave while Amy Schumer was making a speech. I went and waited for Amy Schumer's speech. Yeah, you did. No, I did leave after Amy Schumer's speech. The reality of it... I only changed it because the reality of it is you left during the in-memorium section. No, it wasn't...

I didn't even know about the in-memoriums. I left before the in-memorium section. Yes, you did it, no. Otherwise, if that had been happening, I would have been very polite and said something. So sorry, I've got to go to Joe Beef. I think that's worse. She was a very, very good server

and she was excellent. They're really patient with us, I think. That's awesome. I hope she gets everything in her life. Do you know who the best waitress you've ever had is? If you think about it, is there someone who's like the number one best like that person who's so good at their job,

the biggest tip you've ever given someone because they were just that good? I mean, I try to tip all waiters and waitresses. It's pretty nice because I've served in so many places. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But who's number one? I haven't answered your question yet

and I know that. I'm trying to think, man. I think it was, we were in Austin, Texas and we were out to eat and this dude was just like... There's just one solo clap for us in Texas. Yeah. It's him.

It's about time. I come to every Chris Red show. He said it was amazing. He sat there in a 10 gallon hat. Yeah. But his name was Will and he was like, he had three kids and he was just like the happiest dude,

very cool, funny, but like really funny and not trying to be funny and knew when to like not interrupt. I hate when people, you're having like a serious conversation and you're like, I don't know, your girlfriend tears and shit and then they're like, hey, what's going on? He's like, nigga, be a human

and go away. You know, he just like enjoyed his job, had great stories. It was fun. And the food was there on time, which was tight. Yeah. But even if it wasn't, he was like that good. We'd be like, I'll kick it with this motherfucker.

So in your dream meal, would you like, I mean, traditionally I'm always the waiter for the dream meal. I'm a genie, I could get you. We forgot to mention James is a genie in this. Oh, you're a genie. That's okay. Has it all fallen into place now?

I've been sitting here like, what is he? Well, I have a few wishes. Three, right? Oh, yeah, sure. I mean, I'm traditionally, you know, a food genie. I can just get you food from wherever you like. But if you want to tell me three wishes that aren't food related, I can get them over to the other.

I want you to do what you're good at. Oh, thanks. That means a lot. A dream meal will, as your waiter, the guy with three kids, nice guy, if it's a dream meal, do you want the best waiter you've ever had, will? No.

I want Will to have a day off with his family. Oh, that's nice. Don't get that many. That warms the heart. Yeah, I mean, I do want to wait a motherfucker, but like, not Will. Because if it's my dream meal, I don't really give a fuck about the waiter.

Yeah. I'm about to eat, you know that? But you do specifically want Will to have a nice day off with his family while you're having the meal? Absolutely, yeah. So as you're having the oysters, what are you imagining Will's doing? Well, he was a stout white man,

so I think he was running through a field. Golden retrievers, three kids, Benjamin, Ben, Stacy, and his lovely wives on a blanket. You know what I mean? A checkered blanket. Yeah, a good blanket.

Yeah, she has wine and sippy cup. Stacy's three. I haven't thought about this at all. The kids are called Benjamin, Ben. But that's short for Benito, I believe. It is short for Benito. Yeah.

Benjamin, Ben, and Stacy. The three white names you can think of. Benjamin, Ben, and Stacy. And Benito, Ben, that I'm thinking of are black. And they're frolicking, man, they're frolicking. It seems like he has a frolicking family, dog. You ever seen a family,

we're like, they frolick. No? If they had some grass and space, they'd frolick their ass off. Yeah, the Von Traps, they were very frolicking. Yeah, yeah, they frolicked. Not the Adams family.

No. They're not frolicking. They look at people frolicking like, y'all gonna be dead soon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you frolick, Chris? Nigga, what? You heard, you heard what I said. No, I wouldn't even know where to begin. So, if we put you in a field.

Yeah. Which you shouldn't, because there's a history of that. No. James, you're gonna have to take over for the rest of the episode. You're welcome, Martin Luther King. I do. If you didn't say it,

I would have, Chris. If I saw a field. I just don't know what would... I need to be inspired. And I don't know what could happen in my life that would make me frolick. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Like, maybe would you frolick through a shopping mall? No. But I guess you need other people there to frolick, right? You can't solo frolick. You can't solo frolick. It's not like a fucking tree that falls in the woods or whatever the fuck they're saying. You gotta frolick with a squad, I think.

I don't know much about frolicking, though. What squad? Give us your frolick squad. All right. So if I was frolicking, right? I show up to the field in a Benz with Ben and Benjamin. They're grown now.

So they be there at Tupac's there, right? Yeah. Yeah, he's like, yo, what we doing? I'm, like, frolicking. He's like, all right. He's very down. Yeah. I like to drace there somewhere. Yeah, we pick him up along the way.

Yeah. We get to frolicking because I want it to be an adventure. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? So it's like, we all starts me, Tupac, Ben, Benjamin, a couple of chicks from Jay-Z's big pimping video. And Madonna. It's Dre frolicking, or are you just like, are you going to just

frolick about Dre? Yeah, we ever had a friend that's like hanging out with you while y'all doing an activity, staying all the way into it. That's what Dre doing. So, like, we're frolicking. He's just like, y'all niggas stupid. You know, walking behind.

But he's still into picking flowers, smelling butterflies. But just to be clear, you would frolick just about Dre. No, no, no, no. We would frolick. We're frolicking down a fucking field. We're going on a mission.

You know what I mean? You're like, he's a stupid. Yeah. But like, I feel like nowadays, yeah, everybody wants to talk. Like,

I've got something to say but Nothing comes would you frolick about Dre? Would I frolick about him? Yeah, just about Just about in the vicinity, you know?

The vicinity of Troy, yeah. Oh, yeah, like to collect them? Just about. I mean, I guess for a second, we frolic about. I guess you got to, if you're frolicing and you see somebody in your frolicing path, you got to like frolic around, like, can't join us, you know? But if you do it for too long, it feels aggressive, right?

If you frolic around someone, it feels a bit much. Dre's big. I feel like if we did it for too long, he'd just knock us all out, you know what I mean? Yeah, it was just before a second. I don't want to frolic about Dr. Dre too long. Yeah, I think that's a good frolic squad. Yeah?

Yeah, that's a really strong frolic squad. You know, I think so, too. And Joe Biden, because I would like to see people, you know, I would like to see people seeing him frolic. I think that would fucking shock the world, though. They'd be like, you know what? We don't even need to fix these other problems. But how quickly would he fall over, if you guys would?

He'd go down. You've got to be careful with that. It's playing the fire. I think it's either all situation, baby. I think he's either falling or he's frolic. He's just killing that shit. We're like, what? That's my president.

Nah, I hope he's asleep. All that chat about Dre, I'm glad that Beats wasn't the secret ingredient. Oh, yeah. Joe, you guys don't know talent when you hear it now. That was great. Beats by Dre? Yeah.

I'll never be the rising star. Beats was up for grabs. Yeah, it's suggested Beats is a secret ingredient. I would have never said Beats, though, ever. Never. Never. You hate Beats? I do.

I think they're nasty. I don't like them. You don't like them? No, I'm like, mm-mm. Isn't there a show here at the festival called The Nasty Show or something? Yeah. Yeah.

What if you went there and the next act was a beat? The next act is so nasty. Yeah. I'm going to turn your piss red. Oh, that's what it does. No, it doesn't turn your piss red. Beats turn your piss red? No, I think you're ill.

It turns your piss red? Oh, I'm dying. It's on your shit. It's on your shit red. What a way to find out that I'm dying. Oh, man, I think I got to get into Beats and start leaving my mark around the city. The red's been here.

Your dream main course. The big one. Dream main course. Dream main course would be a perfectly done brand-xeno over angel hair with, like, an olive cream sauce and some saute spinach. Oh, yeah, you didn't ask me to put the sides. With, like, breadcrumbs and shit.

Yeah. That was a very good food description there, Chris Red. That sounded delicious. Yeah, it always is. When did you, when you imagined it? So what? When you imagined that dish. Brand-xeno, is that a fish?

Yes. I'm very glad you knew that, because when Chris said brand-xeno, I was like, James is in the fucking deep end here. He's got, I was like, I know it's a fish, but I'm not letting him off the hook at all. Yeah, I went for a lot of different things in my head for a while, and none of them were food. Well, I got you back.

You know what I mean? I'm kind of like, immediately what I thought of was, have you heard of the actor Marlon Brando? That's what I had in my head, was Brando's face on some angel hair. Oh, yeah, that's a different meal, yeah. Yeah, it's a bit different. If you had to eat an Oscar-winning actor,

that's another good question. Which one would you choose? They have to be Academy Award-winning. OK, Will Smith. Because I like Mega Man as a kid, and I absorb his powers. And I make great movies, and I smack my enemy when he leaves space. Which part of Will Smith do you think would be the tastiest?

Oh, I didn't think about any of that. Well, I'm kind of asking you too. Are you saying, are you saying literally what part of Will Smith, or like a representation of a part of Will, like an edible version on a plate? Or you mean a natural part of Will Smith? Because I did, when you were thinking, oh, I'm confused by the question.

I mean, if Chris was to eat a part of Will Smith. Genuinely, it's not like Transubstantiation, where it's like. Any Catholics in? You know, you're not. Is it actually a part of his body, or like a representation that you believe is part of his body? Yeah, it's like green jackets. Huh?

Like green? Because I was called Yellow Jackets. Green Jackets. Green Jackets? Yo, that'd be sick. Yellow Jackets, it's like that. You are on a plane with a bunch of Academy Award-winning actors. It crashes, and you've got to eat one of them.

And it is part of their body. And what part of Will Smith's body do you start on first? Ooh. They've cooked Will Smith. When you say they've cooked Will, who's cooked Will? The other Yellow Jackets. They're there as well.

Oh, I thought it was Mr. Raspberry. But they're all Academy Award winners as well. So is Will Smith the only one who's died on the crash and everyone else? Yeah. Yeah. RIP. Who's flying the plane, Travolta, presumably?

No, Tom Hanks, a sully. Tom Hanks, a sully. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, like he does, yeah. I think I would start with the shoulder. Yeah. Yeah, because it's the least sexual place. Because it's not about that, dawg.

It's about survival. And he's swole, so there's meat there. Yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying? But it's bone too, so I'm not committing to too much. I've never thought about eating a person. But this don't sound like it. It's a good answer.

It's a good answer. I think it starts off with the shoulder. You're right, it's the least sexual place. Yeah. You see, I've never thought about it before. You eat that in the neck, that shit gets sensual. Yeah. We all know the butt.

That's what? Nah, we good. Also, you wouldn't start with the butt on any animal. No, man, I feel like in Cannibal's world, if you start with the butt, you're doing too much. To bring the other cannibals, think that that cannibal's weird, the one who loves it in the bus. It's a human race.

We all find weirdos in our communities, no matter who we are. There has to be a lame cannibal who will always be eating fingers, which don't stupid ass. You did a song about food, about being hungry. I did a song about being hungry. You did a song about being hungry. I did?

Yeah. What song? It was your song on Popstar Never Stop, Never Stopping. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. The hungry is going to eat, and you talk about eating. Yeah, yeah, yes, I did. So that's like, you don't have pasta? But that wasn't about, you told me

that wasn't about food, though, James. No, I think it's about, maybe it's about eating people. No, no, no, it was just about eating again. Oh, is this your first time hearing a rap lyric? That doesn't make any sense to me. He's like, I'm going to eat. Like, he's going to eat. You know, he's going to come and get what he came for.

That's what he's saying. Oh, I'll get it now. Yeah. If you eat the game, then the game doesn't exist anymore. No, yes, it does. But inside you. Because you're going to cook it up. That's a rap of what they're doing when they're working.

I'm cooking. Right. When they're actually doing something and they're taking over the industry, they're eating the game. It's all food related. So Stove God cooks is he saying that he's cooking up something like he's not really talking about food. No, he's just cooking up a plan.

He's cooking up. Yeah, he's cooking up the work, the work which is this product. You know what I mean? And when a rapper gets shot, he's well done. You know what I mean? Oh, that's too dark. Was that the lie? Not eating Will Smith's fucking shoulder.

That was fun. Got the angel hair pasta there. Yeah. And some tomatoes and like little slices of tomatoes. I love that shit. She goes great with bread. It's just that hand gesture is too close to your sweaty bread. I'll never squeeze a brand-zino.

No, but it looks like you are swirling it around. But angel hair is still swirling. Which is just delicious to me, actually. There's that scene in Pineapple Express where Craig Robinson goes into a room and there's loads of food on the table. And he just to check how long the family, if the family were there recently,

he just puts both of his hands in the pasta and the food and he's like, still warm. Yeah. I love that scene. It looks pretty gross, but also like, Would you like to do that? I would have wanted to do it. Yeah, you'd want to do that.

Every time I see it, I'm like, I'd like to put my hands in there. Yeah, you seem like you do that at every buffet. Just like the check if this is a good place or not. Yeah. Like, sir, how many? One second. A lot of people think at buffet,

that's like a sneeze guard. It's not. It's because James has been there and just ran both of his hands. That film's fucking great. Popstar. Oh, thank you, man. Yeah.

Woo! Woo! Soundtrack's great. 2016. Yeah. It was a fun soundtrack to do, man. How, when you recorded that song, how long did that take?

20 minutes. Yeah, I didn't write a lot of it. So it was just me just getting in there rapping. I could do that. Easy. Could you? If we write, you don't have to do it. I'm not gonna get you to rap now.

I'm not doing that. Okay. But like, if we wrote a song about off menu, could you record it for us? It depends. What if we just made it all about eating Will Smith? I'm sold. No, I'll write.

What can I rap song would y'all want for off the menu? Ed? Well, I would love you to do a rap for us, but I will make the small point that it's just off menu, not off the menu. No, no, no. The song is gonna be cool. You asked me to get creative.

I bring my shit to the table. You just translate it. Y'all are like, get the fuck out of here. What you got to understand is rap lyrics are not literal. Yeah, dog. You know what I'm saying? Like, I don't even see it mean you up here while you trying to be all like that.

I'm sorry, Chris. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm just learning. Now I'm gonna sit like that. Sorry, guys. Couple of little raised oysters up here. Yeah.

This is, I feel like somebody should be bringing me a bottle, man. A bottle? Yeah. Of what? What would you want in the bottle? Merlot. Oh, yeah.

Have y'all not sat on couches in a club before? Yeah, yeah. That's not really our crowd, Chris. Oh, I can tell by the perfect reference and everyone's like, huh? I was about to go like, no, I've seen someone, someone's wearing a run the jewels t-shirt.

But I'd only seen the t-shirt. So he says, not our crowd. I was like, no, no, no, no. I looked at the guy. I was like, no, I'm not, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not that guy. He's just like us. So your dream side dish is gonna be

by the sound of things, some spinach, but. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like Sal's taste, spinach a lot. So I think that'd be my side dish. It's kind of like, it's kind of easy, but people can't fuck it up. Yeah. Well, you can, but it's hard to.

Have you ever had anyone fuck up with spinach? Yes. Do you want a name and shade? Yeah, my auntie can't cook the shit. No, she can't. Well, she can now. She can now. She's a proud of us all, but man, growing up,

we, when she get in the kitchen, we were like, so we eating out tonight. Uh, she's like, no, I'm a cook, like for you. I remember she made a saute spinach that was stiff. And I don't know if you ever had saute spinach before, but it's never stiff. And I was just like, what the fuck is, where's the moisture? That's like science.

I can use that one more than once. But how'd you do it? Like famously spinach, you cook it immediately, like wilson, how the fuck did she do that? I know. It's impressive. For a cook, terrible. For somebody doing something new, killing it.

Do you want it with garlic and like olive oil? Yeah, I like garlic. Yeah, I love the garlic. I like, um, sometimes I'll put, uh, bacon in the skillet and then I'll warm that up to get the oils out. And then I put that on a side cup. And then when I get the saute spinach on,

I'll just add a little bit of, that's top level stuff. That's for y'all. Since y'all don't go to clubs and shit, y'all save money. You're smarter than me. So you cook the bacon, so the bacon fat, remove the bacon. Yeah. Cook the spinach in the bacon fat. You cook the spinach along with the dry bacon

and then you add however much of the fat that you want to add in. You just add a little bit just to give it a little, like... Sounds good, that sounds good. That is one of the best tips we've had on the pod. Really? I'm going to start doing that. If they did that?

Clubs, I guess, clubs. If they cooked off some bacon. You know what, there are some clubs that do it. In Atlanta, you could sell them a strip club and they'll make that delicious meal while booting your face. I wouldn't know where to look. It'd be so rude to the lady if I'm tucking into a skillet of... So much spinach is in booty cracks in my face.

Just confused men with hard dicks and a good meal. When you were saying all that, I thought, oh, that's a funny thing to make up, but I'm confused because there was someone in the front row who literally was going, yep! Because my motherfucking comedy's reality, baby. I'm being very serious. No, Atlanta has the dopest strip clubs

and they have dope kitchens with chefs that are fucking great. And people go there during the day, not even for the strip, they come for the food. It's wild, you know what I mean? But are the strippers still there dancing? Yeah, you're not going to be like, get out of here, stripper! I'm eating fish. Like, what the fuck?

Get the fuck out of here, stripper! I haven't even had my appetizer. What I'd have to do is go take my meal by myself to the back private room and just eat in silence. Does that cost extra if he wants to do that? Yeah, no. But what you would do is you put the order in and then you enjoy yourself a little bit.

And then the food comes, like, all right now. And everybody has an agreeable thing. But once I've ordered something, I can't stop thinking about the meal until it's arrived. So if a lady came over to me and said, shall I dance? I'd just be whispering things like, do you know when my spinach is coming out? So I'm really, you're very nice dancing.

But I've ordered this spinach and it's been, like, 15 minutes. And I really like my spinach. But well done. Well, if you like that, you should walk around the strip club like an undercover cop who can't get too comfortable, you know? It's those guys who are always walking around and just, you know... Because if you're sitting down and the way you look, you look like you have money.

And the strippers are going to come to you. You look like you have money in weak will for booty, you know what I mean? Wow. Yeah, we've just met, that's my Twitter bio. No, it's more about how many strip clubs I've been in than it is about me. That's exactly how I'd walk around a strip club. I'd actually go full... Two house clubs.

That's very good, actually. Well done. You carry on, ladies. Where's my spinach? And the strippers would be like, that white man got a castle. Bitch. Your dream drink, Chris Redd? We've mentioned Merlot, of course. We're talking about alcoholic drink.

There can be any type of drink that's your dream drink for your dream meal. What's your favourite drink in the world? A perfect old-fashioned with bullet bourbon. If you're going alcoholic drink, if you're going regular drink, like water or sprite, which is very boring. We can give you a sprite on the side, but I want to hear more about this perfect old-fashioned. People fuck up old-fashioned all of the time.

It's either the two bidders, two off, or they're using this pre-made mixed shit. So I like it when it's like a real fucking bartender. Where you're like, how's your old-fashioned, and they can get slightly offended. It's like, what? Then they start fucking getting orange and shit, and start wiping the glass. You're like, this nigga means business.

And then he gets a chainsaw to fucking get you an ice cube that's bigger than any fucking... Like, an ice cube that's still melting now. You know what I mean? He put a little cherry in there, and he slides the shit over like, yeah, bitch, drink that. That's my type of old-fashioned. Yeah, I think if a bartender,

you have to be such a good bartender to be able to say, yeah, bitch, drink that. You actually do, though. Could you imagine a terrible bartender with that kind of attitude? Yeah, bitch, drink that. This tastes like shit. Yeah, bitch. I'm on break. I love old-fashioned.

I haven't been able to drink old-fashioned since our friend Nish Kumar came to my house, and we decided to... Make old... We decided to make old-fashions, and I was really trying hard. I was trying to be the good bartender. And after about three of them,

I honestly was just stuffing like a whole orange in a pint glass and just pouring bourbon all the way. We drank a bottle of bourbon, and I did not remember the rest of that night. Yeah, it sounded fun, though. Yeah, it was just in my house, though. I just sat on the arm of my couch as well. I was sitting here just like, who am I waiting for?

Do you have a cocktail that you can make really well? That's like, when people come out of your house? Nah, for real. I don't want to make specialty drinks yet. I just buy, like, dope liquor, and be like, how much you want me to mix this shit? And then I just mix some shit. I got a little shaker, so it feels like I'm doing some shit. But yeah, it's just any kind of little mix I can make,

but I can't make anything fancy yet. I tried old fashioned, and that's just a little hard to do, though. Yeah. So when it's your house, I reckon you could get away with saying, yeah, bitch, drink that. Drink that, bitch. Regardless of how good the drink is, because they've got to be polite guests in your house.

Well, it depends on the context. Yeah, yeah. Because my mom would trip. You know what I mean? Babe, you got something to drink yet? Bitch, drink that. My dad come out the bathroom. What the fuck are you saying? It was this guy in Canada. He told me this.

I love the adults in the bathroom. Just waiting. Yeah, I don't know why in this scenario my dad is in the bathroom, chilling until he hears the bitch drink. That's my cue. He's just like, this motherfucker better say it soon. I've been in here all day.

When this old fashioned comes along, in your head, what do you think Will's up to? With his family? He's building a shed. Yeah, he's always wanting the shed to keep attractive, because he has like a lot of land. So he would be building his dream shed, and Ben, Benjamin and Stacy would be acting like they're helping,

but they're just licking nails. Licking nails? They're licking nails? I don't understand how that's acting like they're helping, is it? Well, they look like they're helping. They're really licking those nails. Man, these kids are smart, man. Yeah, bitch, lick that. And his wife has left him. You know what I mean?

Oh, no. What happened in between the picnic and the shed building? His wife has left him. First of all, it's been 10 years, and they could keep up. Since you asked me last, time has passed. You know, she was tired of the frolic and dog. And she had a better opportunity, man. Yeah, yeah.

So by this point, if she's been 10 years, one of the bends must be like nearly 20. And he's licking nails. He said, man, it feels like home, man. He's also a construction worker. He's just practicing his alphabet. Sorry again. It's a solid callback.

Yes. But I like to think that someone in the audience has like, you know, led to their friend together. What is that about? They've told them when they've gone, locked? Interesting. I need to work on my alphabet and other things.

So, two birds with one stone. Two birds with one stone. Just leave a pause while everyone thinks about what that could be if it was an innuendo. I thought about it. I thought, I don't think there's really anything there that's pleasant. So let's move on. You all got to think about it in your heads,

and some of you are looking disapproving at me, but you imagined it. Yeah. So whatever you came up with, that's you. That's on you guys. Old fashion doesn't just mean it's really good, right? Is that a specific way of making an old fashion? There's like a couple of ingredients I'm forgetting,

but it's like, you got to have the right amount of bitter, right amount of like, what's that sweet shit that they put in? The sugar cube? Yeah. They know the balance. You laugh, but fucking people fuck it up constantly. Yeah. Because I've had so many old fashions that taste like ass.

And so I'm like, what did you do back there, dog? Like, did you just drop it? And it was like, oh, get a sponge. And then they could taste right. Yeah. So it's like the perfect balance to that. And with let go is like, and the way they use the orange. I mean, if they use the orange, right, it should really,

all that shit comes together. It's just, yeah, it's perfect. We should get one of those tonight. We should get one. Yeah. There's a lot of speakeasies here. Oh, there? Yeah.

A lot of speakeasies and hidden bars, because Montreal has a lot of secrets. Y'all have so many hidden bars. If it's so hidden, why can't I Google it? I love that. I love a hidden bar. I do too. It's so exciting when like, maybe the wall opens up

and you go into the bar and then halfway through the first drink, just like, just in a bar. Yeah, man. You know, it makes me feel like Indiana Jones, because I'm not going to go to a cave. You know what I mean? I don't think they should be called speakeasies, because the prohibition's over.

And they keep on calling themselves speakeasies. They're cool. But like, if I was the cops, I would be like, just for, you know, if we're bored and there's nothing on, it's a slow day. I'd be like, do you want to go and shut down a speakeasy? I'd still be doing that now. But we haven't got anything to do.

Let's run in that speakeasy and shut it down and kick all the clientele out. See, I thought I always thought it was called a speakeasy, because you're so drunk. Speaking is easy. Speaking is easy when you're drunk. Yeah, like, it's easy to walk up and talk to somebody, because you're fucked up.

Yeah, I thought you meant physically it's easy to speak, which it isn't. Yeah, yeah. See, I thought this was going to do better than it is. I believe in my choice, but I don't feel good in it, you know what I mean? I think you were right to think it would go better, but your mistake was delivering it to me and not ad.

Fair enough. You want the reaction you were having? Yes, yeah, you're exactly right. Yes, I know what human beings mean when they think to me. Your dream dessert, the best of all courses, I think we all agree. Nope. All the other ones were just child's play,

a little bit of fun. Are you all dessert people? Wow. Any starter people in? Oh, less. Less, but better. A more quality person, as opposed to the larger group of absolute trash people.

That's a real shame, Ed. That's a real shame to say that to people. Are you a dessert boy, Chris? Not usually. Yes. In the sense of a restaurant. But I eat a bunch of candy, though. I eat candy.

Yeah, candy. But I do have desserts I like. I have a choice. But I have to admit that I do eat candy like a child. You know, sometimes I feel like I'll pay like my rent, and then I'll eat nerds in bed. And I'm like, where am I going with this? Nerds are mad as well.

To eat nerds as an adult. Because nerds are just pure, just getting the sugar in your body and that's all they're doing is like, you may as well mainline them. If I could, no. The evolution of nerds right now, they got nerds on ropes, nigga. What?

It's crazy. Nerds on ropes. Get out there, go to a club, eat nerds on a rope. I don't understand nerds on ropes. There's a gummy that keeps them all connected. Yeah, so it looks like the nerds are building towards something. And is it like clusters of nerds? They do have nerd clusters, that's new.

That just dropped last year. It's like somebody looked at the ropes and was like, what if we blew them up? And those are fucking delicious. Every job I've worked at in the past six or seven months I've gotten everybody addicted to nerd clusters. Grown-ups, people with shit to do, kids at home. One of my friends hides nerd clusters from his children.

You can't give a kid nerd clusters. You can if you've ever wanted them to sleep again. They're delicious, though. James, are you looking up nerd clusters? Yep. I've got to see what these look like. Nerd clusters, safe search off. Yeah, they look insane.

Wow. Oh, yeah, so it looks like the... Is this what you were hoping for from the show? It looks like the everlasting gobstopper in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Yeah, but it's not a gobstopper and it ends quickly. And it's delicious. Have you ever said that sentence before?

Never. This is not a gobstopper and it ends quickly? Never said that before. So you're eating nerds in bed after you've paid your rent? Not all the time. It's not good care to wait. What's the best type of nerd? I don't want to be insecure about it. What's the best type of nerd for bed?

Is it a cluster, is it a rope, or is it an old school box? A cluster. With a rope, the nerds are still falling off the gummies so it could be in your bed and that's childish. What kind of clusters you could put them in a little bowl and shit, you know what I'm saying? You would put them in a bowl and take them to bed. If you want to get fancy with your candies, I'm an adult. I own shit, I go places, I put my candy in bowls.

And airtight jars. If you had people over, you'd like put out some nerd clusters in a little bowl. No, no, no. They're already out there in this airtight jar. I have nerd clusters, I have peach rings, and I have some M&Ms. And they say, right there, right in my coffee maker. And people come in there, they can grab a joint, smoke that. Ooh, what's that, candy? Yeah, I want to feel like a kid again.

And they eat that and they're like, you're not a kid, you're an adult, make coffee. That's a good setup. On all the jars it just says, eat that bitch. No, but I'm adding that. Is there anywhere in the smell where you'd like to smoke a joint? Oh, I thought I was smoking throughout it. Oh yeah, yeah, absolutely. That's the first time James has ever said smoke a joint, by the way.

I could tell, I could tell, because he said it like it was the word of the day. It sounded like a knock, I felt like a knock. Yeah, you should have both of you had to smoke a joint. Get out of the ground! I knew he was wired this whole time. This week he's shut down. Is there any point in this mail where you'd like to smoke a joint? Good evening, sir.

Do you want to get swandered? Perfectly innocent questions. You're a smoke throughout. Yeah, well, especially before and after, I think, would be the smartest thing. You smoke before, so you really dive into the food. And then you smoke after, because you know what you did. I am picky about my desserts, that's why I don't usually eat them. But when I'm back home, my favorite dessert I would have on my dream meal would be

this coconut pound cake with icing that my mama makes. It's a southern pound cake that actually has icing on it. Most pound cakes don't have icing on it. And this shit is fucking amazing. Is it so good it would make your dad come out of the bathroom? As soon as that cake comes out the oven, he's like, huh. You know what to say. That sounds great.

Also, not enough desserts on the podcast have coconut on them. I don't think coconut is featured. I'm not a big coconut fan, straight up coconut or coconut water, but this icing is great. Is it really sweet or? It's just sweet enough, and it's not too thick or fluffy. It's just perfectly thin, but still there, kind of icing. And is this every time you go home, the coconut pound cake will come out?

Or do you have to request it? Every single time. I don't eat it all, every single time, because it's a full cake. How big is each serving? It depends on how you like to eat cake. Is it like a picture about the size of the Tesseract? In the Marvel Cinematic Universe. If the Tesseract was shaped like a cake.

Because having a cake shaped like a Tesseract is a lot of cake. Is it quite a dense cake as well? It's big, but it's light though. So not as dense as the Tesseract, for example? No, I feel like the Tesseract's dense. Yeah, that's dense, yeah. I know, I think it's pretty light. When people pick it up, it seems like pretty easy, the Tesseract.

I thought I could pick up the Tesseract, I wouldn't really know. What would you do with the Tesseract? Oh, that's a good question. The best question anyone's asked is the whole podcast, actually. What would you do with the Tesseract? I think you'd panic, man, you wouldn't know what to do with it. Well, I'd want to travel somewhere like Loki does when he does the thing. So you think he would just hat potato the Tesseract?

Yeah, he'd go, your turn. I can't think of anything, you can toss it back round later. Right now, if someone gave me a Tesseract, genuinely, it's what my mind has been thinking about for the last 10 minutes. I'd go to just wear myself the nerd clusters. Yeah. So like down the street? Yeah.

One bag of nerd clusters, please. Is that a fucking Tesseract? This is your go on the Tesseract, or you all get one go on the Tesseract and you've come to buy nerd clusters. I think it's worth it, worth the trip. Yeah, I think that'd be pretty cool. I really want to try the nerd clusters, so that's what I'd do with the Tesseract. Although, I don't know, you know, that wouldn't be as good a series on Disney Plus.

Let's find out where James went with the Tesseract. He went to a sweet shop. A good travel show, that one. Me with the Tesseract. That would be pretty fun. Yeah, it would be quite a good travel show. You would start every episode disheveled because you just got there. Hey, y'all.

Time travel. Is it smooth in your world? We get asked a lot of the time if we want to do a food travel show, Ed and I, and we're always like, yeah, we just like to go around eating food, and they're like, no, no, it's going to have a twist. It's going to have something to it. That could be what we've pitched a Tesseract. I've always said I would never do a food traveling show unless I could travel in time. Could you imagine, go back to the 80s, like this pizza's amazing, but the racism sucks.

That would be my show. We would say that as well. I think I would make a point of saying in any episode, this food is all amazing, but racism sucks. I don't want people to know. You are an ally, that's for sure. I think it would mean less coming from you though, James, with a mouthful of pizza going, the pizza's so good.

Yeah, racism's bad too, I guess. Fuck, I'm an ally. If I say I'm an ally after, does that take away from it? Yeah, it's a direct minus. So definitely this pound cake is the dream dessert. Boom. Do you have anything with it when you're eating it? Is it just the pound cake by itself?

Would there be ice cream or cream or anything like that with it? No, I would have ice cream with the peach cobbler, but the cake is enough. And you don't want like a bowl of nerd clusters. No, I'm not trying to lose all my tea. No, so it's either nerd clusters or it's cake. But a nerd cluster cake would fuck the game up. You know people make those cakes when you cut into them

and then loads of candy spills out from the middle? Have you seen those cakes? I would love to have a nerd cluster cake like that, don't? I've seen those cakes and I've seen my dad push children out the way to get to one of those cakes. If you think you eat candy like a child, James' dad would absolutely have you in a fucking candy bottle. Yeah, absolutely.

Within five minutes of him being in your home, you could show him into your home, into the living room, go and get him a drink, come back and you'd see three empty bowls there. Because the M&M's the nerd cluster's the peach chip. I do the bike taking out of one of the bowls as well. I wasn't sure if the bowls were made of sugar or not, so I tested one of them, Chris. Thank you for your hospitality.

The bowls are empty, Chris. I have to go to hospital now. My mouth is bleeding. Well, I will be back. I hope the bowls are full when I get back. I will call you, man. I'll be real mad. On FaceTime too, it could be around people. And I'll be like, your dad ate my motherfucking bowl. And I'll be like, I'll be there straight away. Tesseract one, into your room.

Dad, come on. That felt like a delicious meal. I'm going to read your menu back to you now and see how you feel about it. I've got it written down here. I also have a text from Nish Kremar on my phone that says, I can't believe you're on your phone in the show. You were like, still water. Huh? Still water.

Oh, that's not what I heard. Yeah. Would you think I said? No. He not doing that today. Still water, agreed. Was it something bad? I heard still water, man. Hey, I tried to move past it. You saw me, dawg.

You really did try. You didn't do that today, did you see that? Full respect. It's 100% not your fault what just happened. I pushed for it. Everyone did want to know what you thought. James, 30 seconds left. Bruchetta from Halifax.

12 oysters with cocktail sauce, horseradish and lemon for your starter. Main course, Branzino with angel hair, pasta and olive cream sauce. Side dish, saute spinach with garlic and a drizzling of bacon oil. Drink, perfect old fashioned with bullet bourbon plus a sprite on the side.

Dessert, coconut pound cake with icing, comma, his mums. Yeah. She would like that. That's an amazing menu, man. That's really good. This has been off the menu. Off the menu.

That was great. Yes. So that would be $20,000. Can we point out, Chris Vat, would you like a joint? Hell yeah. Do you want to go smoke some drugs, Chris Vat? Hi, do you, do you, uh, do drugs?

We all do drugs in here, don't we? We all do drugs. I'll tell you what, man, helps me on wine. A delicious spliff. Ooh, I feel so stressed. I need some Mary G Juana. I love to smoke puff, but boy, do I get the munchies.

It's Tuesday, can't do heroin. Where's we? I've got that on a t-shirt, that one. Yeah, that helps you really fit in, doesn't it? That's really for my undercover work. Tuesday's weed day. It's always Tuesday somewhere. No idea what you're talking about.

It's always Tuesday somewhere. It's always Tuesday somewhere. Not at all. I mean, only on Tuesday. It's not always Tuesday somewhere at all. Nowhere has a time difference of, like, six days. I'd like that as like a comedy catchphrase, call the response with the audience,

like, when's Tuesday? Tuesday. I love people that use that saying, like, order a drink, like, hey, it's 10 o'clock somewhere. I always like to be like, where? I did that to a dude on a plane. He was like, you know. I was like, nah, nigga, where though?

He said where, I need to know where. That should be the rule. Like, if you say that, it should be like where, and if they get it right. Like, say a thing, say a place. And it better be 10 o'clock right now. That's the beauty of having a tesseract. Yeah.

10 o'clock somewhere, and I'm going there right now. Yeah, yeah. But you've used it, you get one go at the tesseract, and you've used it for nerd clusters, you can't. Whoa, hold on. Was that the rule? I get one go at the tesseract. I think that was a real weird stablish, right?

I think you can only use it a couple of times because the rest of the universe can feel it, and you have to fight for it. Yeah. So you've got the full weight of the multiverse coming after you for a box of nerd clusters. Yeah, so you've got big old people looking like nerd clusters. Thank you so much for coming on the podcast.

Chris Redd, everybody. Thank you, man. That was so much fun, bro. Couldn't have asked for a better guest. We really appreciate it. Absolutely brilliant. Thank you so much, Chris. That's all leave at the same time.

Thank you so much, guys. Well, there we are. What an episode. What a guest. Thank you so much, Chris, for coming on. What a spectacular guest. So good. Perfect for a live episode.

Really perfect. Ran with everything. Yeah. So funny, but also brilliant descriptions of food, brilliant food choices. I want that coconut pound cake. Yes. Good to hear you say it, Ed.

Yeah. Welcome to the Dessert Club. It's brought me into the Dessert Club. Yeah. The pound cake. I love the description of the Branzino and the Angel Hair Pasta. Yeah.

That was great. I think Branzino is sea bass, by the way. I didn't say it. I think... Why did you not say it? You didn't have confidence in... Well, you didn't even know if it was fish, and I thought we should get to the bottom of that first.

I guess we got sidetracked and talked about eating Will Smith, so... And then I just didn't want to be the guy who was just sat there saying the serious food stuff. I wanted fun messing around with the gang. Fun too, yeah. Yeah, I was having fun as well, but I didn't want to be like,

excuse me! Yeah. Branzino is sea bass. Yeah. I saw you the other night, James, and in Montreal, very, very, very good show. Thank you. So I urge people to go and see it

wherever James is in the world. And even the... The follow-spot operator was heckling you. He was. Kept on moving the spotlight away from me. Yeah. Doing little tricks, doing little showy-offy bits.

And every time he did it, I thought, this is on the verge of being unprofessional or too much, but then he wouldn't do it for ages, and he always picked us the moments perfectly, and I was really impressed with that guy.

It's extremely impressive. Yeah. Yeah. So maybe we booked that person for... Yeah. I think so. For the podcast. For the podcast.

Yeah. Thank you very much for listening. We will see you again sometime soon. Goodbye. Goodbye. Hello. It's me, Amy Gladhill. You might remember me

from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato, and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith.

I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case... Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News.

It's about all the new stories that we've missed out from the north because, look, we're two Northerners. Sure. But we've been living in London for a long time. The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes.

It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News we'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glittle's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy.

Is it? Yeah. Get listening. It's really a backlog. You've left it so late.