Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 174: Mel Giedroyc (Christmas Special)

Episode Date: December 14, 2022

Tidings of comfort and joy to all! Finally, we complete the Mel and Sue set and welcome Mel Giedroyc to the Dream Restaurant for our first Christmas special of 2022. Watch Mel Giedroyc: Unforgivable on Dave and UKTV Play. Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy, now. Please? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, heating up the brandy of conversation. Lighting it with a flame of humour and pouring it over the Christmas pudding of the Internet. Happy Christmas, James. Ho, ho, ho, Ed Gamble. Happy Christmas. This is the Off Menu podcast. We own a dream restaurant and invite a guest in every week and ask them their favourite starter main course dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. When it's a Christmas episode, we also ask them their dream Christmas meal as a little extra course. And this week,

our guest is... Mel Gedroik. Mel Gedroik. Mel, of course. It's Mel. We're back in the territory, aren't we? It's national treasure. Of course it is. Territory. Of course it is. Nice to complete the Mel and Sue set as well. Yes.

We started collecting a while ago. Yeah, and it took us a while to complete the two-person set. Especially as there's only two in the set. But what an honour. What an honour. I cannot wait to hear what Mel has to say about her dream foods. And of course, when Sue was on the podcast, she chose for her dream dessert, Christmas pudding. Very true.

So, you know, is this going to be a full Christmas menu, even though we're just having one little course as a Christmasy shout out here, a dream Christmas meal, but, you know, is Mel as Christmasy as Sue is? Who knows? Who knows? Can't wait to find out. But, even though it's Christmas, if Mel says the secret ingredient, an ingredient which we deem to be unacceptable, then we will have, with a heavy heart, to kick national treasure, Mel Gedroik, out of the dream restaurant. Into the snow, like Tiny Tim.

Oh, like Tiny, little Tiny Tim. Oh, like Tiny Tim. Tiny Mel. Tiny Mel. This week, miniature Mel. Mini Mel. Mini Mel. The secret ingredient is satsuma.

Satsuma. Little satsumas in the stocking. Hate them. Hate it. Don't put a satsuma in the stocking. I want chocolates and presents, little presents in there. Wow. That was the biggest sneeze he's ever done.

He did it with his whole body. Yeah. Big sneeze. Don't put those satsumas in the stocking. No. And I can feel them. Don't think you're sneaking them in. Yeah.

We can feel them. We know that they're in there. I don't get a stocking anymore. No? No. It's a shame. Yeah. Quite.

I'd kick it off if I didn't. Yeah? Yeah. What do you normally get in your stocking? Apart from the satsuma? Chocolates, hot sauce sometimes, little things like that, little things for the kitchen. Maybe like a little plasky travel game. You know.

Good stuff. All the good stuff. Yeah. You just may as well empty it directly into the bin. No way. I hate it all. The travel game? Yes.

I eat that. Like a kind of surprise. Hopefully, we won't have to kick Mel out, but if she says that satsuma in a stocking, she's out of here. Yeah. And I mean, we're risking it there, you know, that, it's possible she might say that and it will feel very un-Christmassy. It will.

It will indeed. There you go. Without further ado, this is the off-menu Christmas menu of Mel Gidwoy. Mel Gidwoy. Welcome, Mel, to the dream restaurant. I'm loving it in the dream restaurant. Welcome, Mel Gidwoy, to the dream restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time.

Here we are. Wow. Pretty impressive genie, right? That we've got here. Absolutely. Oh, I moved. Yeah. Has she re-

You liked it? I moved. I'm a bit emotional. I love the genie. Thank you. What is it in particular about the genie that you're finding very emotional? I love the fact that the genie's wearing a mustard yellow top. I'm getting into a lot.

Rare for a genie. Yeah, yeah. And I'm loving the fact that you're very, yeah, you seem like a very good presence. Thank you. You're a very good presence. Do you describe me as a good presence, Ed? Sometimes. Yeah, thank you.

Do you give good presence? Do you give good presence? Yeah, I think so. Do you? I'm very thoughtful about presence, yes. What's the worst present you've ever given for Christmas? Given to someone. Yeah.

Well, I've only recently got into wrapping presents. What do you mean? So what did you do before? Well, I genuinely think it's pointless to wrap presents. Wow. That's so scrooge. Wow, yeah. Well, it's not scrooge.

I actually think it's more scrooge. It's a wrap something. Because then you're covering up your mistakes. What? I think you should just be honest about what you've given and just hand over the thing. It's not people that lighten when they wrap it up. But if they are, they are. Especially if you're just dropping presents off with someone and then going, oh, here's

a concealed parcel. Bye-bye. Have a nice week. Yeah, the concealment is, that's all the fun. Unwrapping is more fun than the actual thing itself often. I think just... You just stop wearing clothes. No, that's not.

But I don't wear clothes... You lie into us by wearing those clothes, Ed. Yeah. Yeah, thanks, James. I am, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So what do you do?

You just leave a pile of stuff. No, I found it. So I don't... It's the... I'm not good at wrapping. It's labor-intensive. You've got to practice. Yeah, I don't want to.

Oh. So I went through a period of wrapping things in tinfoil because then you don't need to tape anything. Yeah. Wow. That's no offence, but that is a bit... That's like a student wrapping in tinfoil, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It is a bit. I've been there. I know, yeah. Yeah. But also, it's made for wrapping things easily, right? Because you don't need to sell a tape. You know, you sell a tape, you can just pinch it off. Yeah.

Lovely job. Not a lovely job. I love the expression, pinch it off. Pinch it off. No, yeah, pinch it off. Not normally used in wrapping. No. Appropriate.

Give them all for your presence, then. Thank you. Guys, you should see, I've got a special Wrappers cupboard. Of course. Wrappers cupboard at home. So open up the cupboard. And then you've got... I'm going to take you from right to left.

We have boxes. We have boxes, bags, sellotapes, pens, see-through wrapping, which is similar to your non-wrapping, but at least it, you know, it's something. No, it's not cling film. It's the crackly, like... I know. Bunch of flowers. Cellophane types.

Yeah. Then we've got our Christmas papers, and then we move into birthday papers. Oh! And then into slightly sort of all, slightly wacky off-the-wall papers. Yeah, the issue is I do now wrap, but sometimes my wife will receive a birthday present in Christmas paper. You see, I'm not having that. If you've got a Wrappers cupboard, then you don't, you won't fall into that mistake.

Yeah. Where in the Wrappers cupboard is the tin foil? The nowhere. Oh, that's interesting, isn't it? Nowhere. Nowhere, James. Why is it nowhere? Because it's not good enough.

Yeah. Yeah? Or is it too good? Oh, tin foil should stay in the kitchen, my friend. Yeah. Well, that's where I do my wrapping. So... That's annoying.

He's got us there. I've... In the sellotape section... Sorry, am I going on too much? No, absolutely not. In the sellotape section, I've got a sellotape, which you attach to your finger like a large ring, and it's so cool. You just pinch it off with your thumb.

You just go like that, and it's on your finger. So you don't even have to do that ghastly thing of finding the bloody end and then all that stuff. It's just there on your finger, on the ring, and then just tick, tick, tick with your thumb. That's good. But then, hold on. So it's on your pointing finger. Yeah.

You roll the sellotape with your thumb to get the tape off. You actually click it. You go click, click, click, click. And then how far can you pull it out though? Because then you can only pull it out as far as your thumb can reach. You pull it out and pinch it off. You pull it out and pinch it off. And it doesn't...

How do you pinch it off? I actually don't remember. I know it's in there somewhere. Somebody gave it to me. You've actually... Yeah, you've scoffed me. Is this the end of the wrapping cupboard chat? But it's a clicking action, like a dog training clicker, click, click, click, click.

The sellotape emerges on each click. That's how you get the length. As for pinching it off, I can't really remember. Maybe you'll get... You have a hand involved, I guess. Yeah. Well, that's not the point. But that's holding down the...

I love wrapping. Yeah? Love it. How many presents would you wrap? A Christmas, say, average Christmas. I've got an enormous, silly enormous family. Yeah. 56, something like that.

Oh, my God. That makes your house. The house is... Excuse me. At the moment, it's a bit empty-nesty, so it feels big, if you know what I mean, because the kids have gone off to uni. But obviously, they'll go coming out for Christmas, which is lovely. I did not see a question.

I didn't want it to appear too big. Did the wrapping cupboard come in before or after the kids left? After. Yeah. Sounds like it. For James. Oh, my God. You've replaced your kids with a wrapping.

Yeah. Wrapper's cupboard came in after. Yeah, Wrapper's cupboard. And I went through all the dressing up boxes. Yeah. There are about three of them. And I trimmed those back as well. That was another job.

I thought you were going to say you put all the costumes on. That's literally where I thought you were going. I went through all the dressing up boxes and I'd put everything on. That would be so sad. Quite in the mirror. There's some crackers in there, though. Yeah. Some real good ones and some good crimbo-related ones.

Oh, yeah? What ones? A habitable Christmas tree. You can get into it and then put your arms through. Yeah. That's good. There's a high school musical Christmasy pair of balls, pom-pom balls.

Okay. There's a load of stuff. That sounds good. Harry Potter cloak. Not very Christmasy, but you can get away with this. No, it feels Christmasy, right? It's sadly not invisible. No.

I heard them making a genuine invisibility cloak. What you heard about me? This is what I heard. What? Do you mean the military? No, no. Like, for people to buy. Like, invisibility cloaks.

But do you know what that's going to be? That's going to be Emperor's new cloak. Yeah. I.e. here's an empty box. Yes, there's an invisibility cloak in it. Oh, that's good. Yeah. And they charge you 240 quid.

Yeah, exactly. Oh, I don't. I'm not sure about that, all that merch. I don't like the sound of it. No. Well, it sounds like you would have had to have bought that, but now your kids have gone to uni, right? Yeah.

So you don't need to worry about that. That sort of tat anymore. Oh, no. Although, no, they do still like to dip in Halloween, you know, they used to call me Melvin. It was my sort of alter ego because I was, yeah, the kids, they call me Melvin because I'd get really overly involved in, you know, for example, at Christmas, making a Christmas costume.

But unlike takeover and get really humulus. So why does that? Why are you called Melvin? I don't. I don't know. I had to ask James permission there because I was, I thought I might be missing something massive there. No, you didn't.

They just call me Melvin. It was like, so I said, people call me Trevor because, when I go skiing, I'll always be the first one down the slope. What? Okay. So why Trevor? I do not know. Oh, never mind.

That is so Trevor, always first down the slope. Yeah, actually, that's actually a perfect example because Trevor would be first down the slope. Trevor's a bit of a show-off, isn't he? Trevor's a real show-off. Yeah, it's quite hard to think of something Trevor doesn't do, actually. We had, we had Trevor and Sheila, actually,

and I'm not just saying this because this is the Christmas podcast. They used to come over and visit us in the 70s from South Africa at Christmas time. Really? Trevor did not say a ruddy word. Really lovely guy. Yeah. And I always remember he spent six,

it was about six hours doing the lighting for my doll's house. He did like a full electrician's job on the doll's house. Completely silent. Totally silently. Isn't that amazing? That is amazing. Is it creepier, is it not? I haven't decided yet.

I don't know. That was Trevor. Yeah. That's what he was like. Didn't say goodbye when he left. No, he was the electrician to the dolls. Yeah. Gorgeous.

And was it a good job? He didn't go faulty the electric. It worked for ages. It was amazing. And he only had, he had two big, sort of 1970s batteries. Yeah. And Sheila, she wore the trousers,

just said, you know, go on, Thrive, go off and do something useful. We're all hoping that Axel was going to come out. Yeah. Very glad it did. Yeah. Because Trevor doesn't talk, so he's like, oh God.

It's the last thing you want to hear with some guys. So it's two tap African people. OK, great. Whatever one doesn't talk. Fuck's sake. Come on. Sheila better be a gentleman. I'm really hoping that Sheila gets a line in this story.

Oh God, I think it was on Christmas Eve. Yeah. That's quite a dull thing to have to do on Christmas Eve, isn't it? Not for Trevor, it sounds like. Yeah. It sounds like he voluntarily did it for the boys. I think he was relieved.

Yeah. He's not being useful in conversation, is he? He's not really. He clearly doesn't want to be hanging out with people. Yeah, maybe didn't like the family. Oh, that's all. Maybe it was more Sheila's thing. Oh, maybe it was more Sheila's thing.

Maybe talk to the dolls. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to have to unravel 40 years of family mythology here. Yeah. How did they know your parents? I think it was through work. God, maybe that was right.

I love that as a kid. You don't even question things like that. No, of course you don't. I think it was through work. Just two South Africans turned up on your doorstep every Christmas. No idea how they knew them, actually. Yeah. Hello.

We had Beryl and Rafe every Christmas as well. Beryl and Rafe. Rafe, they were absolutely gorgeous. And they were from the Caribbean. But luckily they were both Southern. They were from Asia. Oh, OK. There you go.

Yeah. Asia. Asia's in Sorry. OK. Yeah, because we were in Leatherhead. And they were so nice. They were childless. And so they gave massive, they gave massive presents to us.

Bigger than our own parents. Hang on. It's a bit of a bit embarrassing. Hang on. Bigger than the presents that your parents gave you. Yeah. Or physically bigger than each of your parents individually. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look at it. So, I mean, bigger than our parents gave us. Yeah. So, for example, I mean, lovely. And I don't want to diss my mum. But, you know, times were tough. It was the 70s. We were four kids.

There was a lot going on. Couldn't even afford to power a doll's house. Yeah. Well, thank you. You know. So, I got it. It was really lovely. It was a set of paints.

It was a set of paints. That is a lovely present to get, isn't it? Yeah. Isn't it? I mean, your creative side. Exactly. It was small. There were only six.

I think there were six paints. But anyway. Income, Ruddy, Beryl and Raffy, with, like, skateboards, princess dolls. Oh, they gave me a music box with ballerina that went round and round. I mean, really kind. Your parents are going to be angry about that. They're furious. I think they had a word, actually.

Yeah. Yeah. Listen, come over here. Listen, Beryl and Raffy. Just shut up. But don't you come here, giving big presents to the brink of. I got a fucking paint. Are you fucking shitting me?

Are you shitting me? I have to upstage. I don't know. I'm fucking out. I think it was a bit upstage. Anyone else pop over for Christmas? So, Trevyn Sheeler. That was usually Christmas.

That was in the day. Beryl and Raffy in the evening. And Bob and Gwen. Of course. How could we forget Bob and Gwen? Bob and Gwen. So nice. Welsh.

they were neighbours. What sort of things would they say? Well, I loved Quinn. She was so lovely. She always gave small salmon and things like that. And I got Bob. Yeah, Bob slightly grinchy, but no, they were great. And I think they used to help Father Christmas fill the stockings. Yeah. That was fun. That was good. We'd hear, you know, all sorts going on as they filled the stockings. I don't want to give away that. You don't want to give it away to our listeners. We have a lot of families in this. So like for the listeners, they were Father Christmas's helpers. Yeah. So there's a lot. They were Bob and Groom were elves. Everyone knows all the elves are Welsh. Yeah. That's the way,

guys. It's like, you know, in the Lord of the Rings series, people are learning that all hobbits are Irish. People don't know that all elves are Welsh. Yeah. Not all elves anyway. I never got through the hobbit. I couldn't do it. Book or film? Book. No, I couldn't do it. Pretty short book. I mean, have you read it? Yeah. Yeah, Ed. My dad read it to me, so I don't know if that counts. If I'm honest, my mum read it to me. Yeah. So we've both done the audiobook in a way. Yeah. Oh, that's so lovely. God, I've never read a book that long to my own kids. That makes me feel bad. No. You're not. Like 11 pages max. Like a, you know, a picture book. Yeah. Not a big tone. Too much commitment. Oh. It's quite short, the hobbit. It's quite short.

Guys, it's 200... Do you think you have the Lord of the Rings? No, the hobbit's like 300 pages, isn't it? Oh, sure it is that long. I wasn't quite long. It's pretty short, but... Good for you, though. I'm good for your parents. That's brilliant. Would your kids ever say like, Mummy, can you read this book to me? No. No. Just two times. Well, listen. I've been up all night rapping. I get it. I always found that reading books was quite tiring, because you want to invest in the characters, you want to go large, you want to do all the voices. Well, as we've already seen with Bob and Gwen. You know, exactly. So if you're going to take on something like the Ruddy Hobbit... That's quite... That's full on. And you're just making all the characters Welsh or South African.

Every single book. I like Frodo. I love Frodo. That's a good accent you've got there. It's very much. So are there some like key things I should know about Lord of the Rings? Don't worry, we've got you covered. Can you give me some stuff? Just some little bits and bobs. One of the main catchphrases is, Spear them in the penis. Spear them in the penis. Lord of the Rings. They go for their penises with the spears, for the spears that their penis is at their dicks. I thought it was a kid's film. That's what they say, penis. Spear them in the penis, guys. Are you winding me up? Also, they tickle the

orcs. They make them go rigid. You know, like those goats? That's what it's based on. They tickle the orcs, they go rigid and then they spear them in the penis. J.O.R. Tolkien used to work with goats on a little goat farm. So he based most of the orcs on goats. Oh really? Yes. Like he based the trees on Lewis Carroll. As you see, it's Lewis. See it's Lewis, Narnia. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Based the orcs on the goats. Guys, are you winding me up like a bloody kipper? It does sound farfetched. I think it sounds ridiculous. But you know, they're trying to get a ring into a volcano. Like it's pretty farfetched anyway. Yeah, it is silly. And the baddie is, well, there's Sauron, who's the big eye. Okay. Yeah. It's like a flaming eye. Yeah. And

claptakes. That's just made up. No, claptakes isn't made up. That's just claptakes is like, is it Mordor? Is it Mordor? That's where they have to throw it into Mount Doom. But to get past, they've got the orcs obviously and claptakes and then they finally get to Sauron. Claptakes sounds like a sort of Scottish delicacy. Oh, you've been having a claptake with your bridal slab. Claptakes. Yes. Who played claptakes in the film? It's one of those CGI. Oh, it was CGI. It was a CGI person, but it was the person who was, do you know, it was Jack from Lost. You know who the Hobbits were, Elijah Woods. Another guy from Lost, the Scottish guy from Lost. You and McGregor? Dominic. No, Dominic Monahan and Alan Davis

were the three main audience. Alan Davis, the comedian. Boom. That's a great gig. Yeah. And he's very modest about it. I had no idea. He's a dark horse. And didn't they all have a tattoo done? Anyone who was in the film has got the same tattoos? They had them in the penis with tattooed on their arms. I don't know if I believe any of this. I need to go and read it. Oh, God. You don't have to read it. It's not Christmassy, though, is it? No, it's not Christmassy. Five Gold Rings? Oh, yeah. Five Gold Rings. Can't it be Christmassy? Yeah. Oh, a child's Christmas in Wales. That's a lovely book to read the kids. Is it? Yeah. I was a bit old school. It's old... I was about to say Bob Dylan.

It's not Bob Dylan. It's Dylan Thomas. Dylan Thomas. When we were kids, we went to Dylan Thomas' house. My mum and dad took us there. And all day long, my brother, who's the youngest, thought we were going to see two people called Tim and Thomas. Tim and Thomas? And was he really excited? Yeah. So we're all going to go and visit our friends, Tim and Thomas. Tim and Thomas. Yeah. Yeah. And we got there. It's like, that was even here. It stinks. Did you go? Were you allowed to go in it? Or was it just like, oh, we're standing outside? I actually can't remember at all. I just remember that's the story that always gets told. Tim and Thomas is great. We're going to see Tim and Thomas today. I'm very, very confused when we got there. Oh, that's him.

So speaking of names, my sister's family have loads of chickens and they've named them all steadily after Bakeoff presenters, judges. So you've got your pru, your Mary, your Paul. Paula, because they're all chickens and not, there's no... Oh, sorry, of course. So they had to go for Paula. Malansu, obviously. Matt and Noel. Sandy, Noel. I don't think there's been a Matt... I texted my sister about it before this. So she said that the only ones that are alive now are Paula and Sandy. Oh, dear. They're the only two that are still alive. That makes sense. They're the real gritty ones, aren't they? Yeah, yeah. Mel was a very good liar. Did Mel die? What did Mel die? Mel died of old age, as did Sue and Mary.

Noel, on the other hand, died of fright during a thunderstorm. What about pru? Pru's still going, surely. Pru was egg-bound and the egg got stuck and because of all the pressure on the strain, then she died. So pru exploded? Yes. I didn't know that a chicken could die like that. Just egg-bound. So she was in the process of laying. First ever egg. Oh, no. Didn't come out. And the cloaca got absolutely jammed. Precious. Yeah, that's bad. That's sad. Oh, scientifically, what is that exactly? What happens? She's not getting choked, is she? She just can't release the egg. So why would you die from that?

Yeah, all I've got here for my sister is, yeah, something to do with the pressure and straining. I mean, sometimes I find myself in that situation. I think I'd rather be dead than going through this. Christmas can be quite an interesting day for that. Guys, isn't it? Because you forget to drink water. You're just solidly on the ruddy booze, aren't you? And you're eating all that stuff, all the chocks, all the stuff that can bag you up. Yeah, truly egg-bound over all of Christmas. Truly egg-bound. Let's remind people to drink water at Christmas because you don't want to be like that chicken. No, you don't. Prune. Prune. Prune. Prune. Prunes are always good.

Prunes. Prune juice. Do you know I've suddenly... So remember pruneleaf. Remember that, everyone. Pruneleaf Christmas. I've suddenly remembered something. Yeah. Seriously, this is true just because we're chatting. Just suddenly remembered, oh my God, have you ever done Christmas with a girlfriend slash boyfriend that you know you're not meant to be with and you go to them for Christmas and you just know it's not right? I have not. I was at a boyfriend's for Christmas once. I always do Christmas at home. Always, always, always. When I was single or with a partner or whatever, always at home.

It's just natural, isn't it? You know, if you're lucky enough to, you know, have a family and get on with them and stuff. So I always did it at home. I went to his for Christmas. Oh my God. And I knew it was over when the whole family, absolutely true, before Christmas lunch in the morning, fried up some steaks and started eating the steaks and like half 10 in the morning. And I was like, what's going on here? And they said, oh no, we always do this. We like to stretch our, we like to stretch our stomachs before Christmas lunch so we can eat more. But isn't, I don't understand that because isn't it, isn't it just eating loads of food?

Well, yeah, you can't eat more. Isn't that horrible? I just thought, I kind of knew it was over anyway before I went. That was the absolute, that was the nail in the coffin. I thought, I'm out of here. Are you going out with the rock? I mean, people say like, yeah. People have got weird Christmases, haven't they? Breakfasts to, you know, breakfast meant to stretch your stomach so you can eat more later on in the day. I've heard people say that, but I don't know why this family decided it has to be a steak, such a creepy thing to wake up and they're all fried steaks going, we're stretching our

stomachs. I know, I know, it's horrible. But other people's Christmases are weird. They just, they are and they must never be sampled. No. That's what I learned. They must never be sampled. Never, ever, ever have Christmas at anyone else's. Well, I've been to my wife's family a couple of times for Christmas. And that's, that's quite often when I was having Christmas with my mums, we're quite close to their family geographically. So we can literally just, I can drive over, spend a bit of time there and drive back. But then we spent Christmas there. And it's pretty, it's, you know, similar.

Oh, no, I can't bear that. Like what? Christmas lunch at five? I know my mother and I will be listening to this, but we had Christmas lunch so late. What time is it? 6, 6 PM? It was like late, it was late, late, it was like five or... I remember this because I was literally getting texts. Yeah. While it was happening going...

And look, it was... Still haven't had it? It was worth the wait. It was worth the wait. Absolutely fantastic. And you know, my mother-in-law had made some compromises for me because I'd mentioned I like parsnips and she was like, what? Why we do not have parsnips with Christmas lunch? So then she made some parsnips.

Oh, she did. But a little gesture like that can make you feel at home at Christmas if you're at someone else's. Yeah. I'm never going to do it again though. Never. Never. Never, ever, ever, ever. We have, my husband actually, I know he's never said it, but I know he finds it weird. We have a tradition. And again, it's the 70s. This is, you know, the 70s coming into play.

We always have, with Christmas dinner, a tin of sweet corn. Yeah, see, I think I'd walk out. You see, I can see in your faces. I know he cannot bear this, but I have to. Because tradition is what we did. It's what we always did. So how did that happen? I don't know. Mum probably a few sherrys down the old, you know, gullets.

Just thinking, throw in the sweet corn. You know, I don't know. I don't know. It's lovely with gravy. Yeah, I bet, yeah, yeah, yeah. We always start with still or sparkling water for your dream meal. Do you have a preference? I don't like water. Here we go. Wow, here we go.

Now, this is you and Claudia Winkleman. Oh, did Winkle say that? Winkle hates water. I, you see, I will have a sparkling water with a dash of something. I'll have a sparkling water with a dash of, let's say, elderflower. Sparkling water with a dash of, I don't know, essence of raspberry. Something like that. But neat sparkling water.

No, thank you, ma'am. But neat and neat still as well. You feel the same about neat still? Well, it depends how thirsty you are. Yeah. Look, if I'm super thirsty, I'll drink, I'll drink, you know, I would drink anything. I'd drink a puddle.

I'd drink, you know. You drink a puddle? You know, I wouldn't, I'd never, I'd never see that. Was you? Depends where the puddle is. I wouldn't drink a puddle. Yeah, it depends what the puddle is. Where's the puddle in this scenario?

Yeah, if it's in a sort of crystal, if it was in Iceland. Yeah. Super clean. I'd drink an Iceland puddle. I've often thought, as I prepare the dogs water bowls, if I was desperate, would I drink their water? Do you know what I mean? Yes.

Would you? If I'd seen them drink out of it. Yeah, exactly. If you've seen them drink out of it, I think not. What's the, okay, so I'm just struggling to imagine the scenario where you're letting your dogs have a drink and then you're so desperate for a drink that you push your dog out of the way and...

And let's not forget the use of the word often in this setup of, you've often thought this. Yeah. Is this every time you fill up the water bowls you think, could I? Because, no, because the dog bowls are around the whole time, aren't they? They're just there in the kitchen the whole time. So whenever I go into the kitchen, I just like, hmm, I just think, would I, would I, if I was desperate?

So say they've shut the water and all that's left is the water in the dog bowl. Is the water in the dog bowl. Would you drink it? If you, of course you would. I don't think I would. Would you, Mel? Here's a really good question though. If you absolutely had to, do you think you'd have the wherewithal

to bend down, pick up the bowl and drink it like a human, or would you go hand in the knee? Ah, yeah. I'm going to be honest while you're thinking, it didn't even occur to me to drink it like a human. Really? Yeah, I just thought, yeah, I'm getting down to my hands. That's at least a show of respect.

You know, you're drinking the dog's water, you've got to show respect to the dogs. Well, I'm with you, James. Yes. I would get on all fours, go down and lap it up. And don't dogs, hang on, there's a difference between a dog and a cat. A cat. There are loads, yeah.

Okay. Oh yeah, get out. Wow. Yes. Doesn't a cat use its tongue and sort of cup it up towards itself, so the tongue bends into itself? Oh, I don't know, actually. I've got a cat.

I should have noticed this, really. So they go like, they sort of like a sort of scooping action. Yeah. But it doesn't the dog do it the other way? Up and in. Yeah, lap, lap, lap, and then scoop, scoop, scoop. Yeah, maybe. That's something to think about when you're down there in the dog bowl.

I often think, Mel, when I'm scooping my cat's litter tray, if I was desperate, could I go toilet in this litter tray? I don't even say, would you eat it? Oh, of course, of course I would. You go in the litter tray? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, come on, team. Let's not be, let's not be, come on, James, come on.

Number one and number two. Both, it's in your own house. Yeah. You're worried about that. I would actively like to have a way in the litter tray, because the litter is clumping. So it all solidifies into a big ball. I'd like to see what happens if I went for it.

You must have done it. I've not done it. Honestly, not done it. Honestly, not done it. I wouldn't, if I'd done it, I wouldn't have brought it up. I would have just told you I'd done it. Yeah. I can't believe, God, because I've never owned cat's.

So I've never had that conundrum. Maybe this Christmas, maybe after a Christmas party, or be a bit drunk and decide to use the litter tray. Yeah. Does it have a lid on it, or is it just open? It does. It's quite a deep thing. It's got a lid on it with a hole, with a hole in the top.

And then he can just, he goes into the hole and sits there. So you just see these sort of top, the tops of his ears while he's in the toilet. So would you go through the hole, or would you take the lid off? It's not that big, Mel. Okay. Oh, okay. Oh, I was assuming what you said.

It's not that big. What's not that big? No, the hole. Oh, the hole. But I thought you were asking me, would I fully get inside the litter tray? No! Mel, did you think?

No. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Visual geometry. It was never my strong point. I don't even understand what you thought I might have been saying in relation to the, in relation to the hole.

I think you thought it would be squatting over with the lid on and pooing into the hole. No, I was imagining aiming number onesies through the hole. And you thought, and I was suggesting that my penis was so small, I couldn't aim it anywhere. You looked so apologetic. Oh, I got embarrassed. Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait. When I said it's not that big, you looked like, oh, I'm so sorry that I made you have to talk about your tiny penis. Yes, Mel, I have a micro penis, and I can't even get it with my fingers. You wouldn't be able to aim it for any hole, because that's how small it is.

I have to lie flat on my face with my crotch in the litter tray. Hey, guys. I'm saying, no, that was very confusing. Well, you thought I was saying something different as well. No, I thought Mel was saying you would squat over and dump into the hole or whatever, and that when you said it's not that big, you were talking about the hole isn't that big.

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. So therefore- But I was assuming Mel was saying, would I get fully into the litter tray? Obviously not, because it's not that big. Crouching in the litter tray.

But I would take, yes, I would probably, I'd probably take the lid off. Take the lid off and then- Go toilet, innit? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I think it's open season.

I think it's open season. If you've got cat litter there, just make use. As a lady of a certain age, who these days, sorry, gang, to share with you lovely youngins. You know, it's, it gets, it gets tricky. You know, what am I trying to say? I often was in the garden. Because I can't make it into the front door, guys.

This is, welcome to the menopause. What am I trying to say? I often was in the garden. Sorry, I'm sorry. You had two choices there, who you don't make eye contact with. Thank you for making it me. But honestly, it's like Pavlov's dog, a.k.a. I don't know why I keep saying that, but anyway, I quite like it.

Yeah. You have the, you have the, you have the key, you have your front door key ready and waiting. So that makes you need a way. So I get the key out, because I think, oh, I'll be really efficient. And I go, go around the corner, I see the house, and then it all, things just escalate.

Yeah. And one doesn't sometimes make it through the door. Hence, it's like the cat litter. Your garden is your own. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Isn't it? Yeah.

So. Look, you can walk your garden. But it's your front garden. Front garden. As in, yeah, I'm not talking, yeah. But I'm not your euphemisms. But like, it's your front garden. So are you, but are you risking being seen by your neighbours?

I've grown a quince tree. I've grown a quince tree. You can get under that full coverage. It's grown, it's a very good grower. It's grown quickly. Yeah, yeah. Two years. Can I just say something that is very much related to this?

I was quite shocked. Ordered an Indian takeaway the other night from a place that we love. Where is this going? Yeah. Love it. It's our local, really nice family run. And was really excited. And a couple of friends were coming around, which is also lovely.

And the door went, opened the door. And my friend Lisa had the takeaway in her hand. She went, get inside, get inside, get inside. So we got inside and shut the door. And the guy that had delivered the food had taken a waz in the front garden. No. Yeah. Wow.

Under the quince tree. Not even under the quince tree, by the bins. Not even into a flower bed. Oh, no. Do you know what? I'm so ruddy, British and polite. I never even phoned them to complain. No.

And we had the food. And you'll get another takeaway from there, won't you? Yeah. I think that's bad, though. That's bad. It is. It's bad. That is bad.

It's awful. Yeah, yeah. Deliver a takeaway and then take a waz in the person you've just delivered to. Yeah. It is awful. It's really bad. It's delicious, though. Yeah.

It's good food. Yeah. Good food. Yeah. Can't complain. Yeah. And then, you know, once you digested the food, you dumped it in the same place anyway, didn't you? Yeah.

What, right there? We're here, God. Yeah. No wonder that coins tree grew quickly. Oh, God. I can't believe he did it on concrete, though. There's something really disrespectful. Yeah.

If you're going to do it, at least do it into a flower bed. Also, for yourself. You don't want to splash back, do you? Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's, like, that's, it's disgraceful. Yeah. It was.

Oh, dear. Pop it up as a bread. Pop it up as a bread, Mel. Get like, pop it up as a bread. Oh, God. Okay. Have we got the chutneys? Yeah, you've got what?

Oh, yeah. You've got the chutneys. Well, of course, it's pops. Is it pops all the way? It's pops all the way because you have the beautiful array of your lime, your lime chili, your lime chutney, your mint chutney, your yogherty minty. Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah. Mango chutney? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With your breads, it's a bit, I don't know, it's a bit root one, isn't it, with the breads? Sure. What do you do with the breads? I mean, there's nothing to go on the breads.

It's butter. Butter, I suppose there's butter. Yeah. No, it's too claggy as well. Okay, so you want the crispy, the sort of textures and yeah, yeah. Yeah, crispy snacky. Love that. I mean, you just ate a packet of mini-cheddar.

So you want to talk about claggy? Have you heard a mini-cheddar when it's in action? They get claggy in your mouth. It's a snapper and then it clags up. It goes snap to clag very quickly. I don't think it goes to clag a mini-cheddar. Not when I'm masticating. Definitely not.

You swallow them pretty much whole though, don't you? I go very, very fast. I woof them. I woof them down. I love a mini-cheddar at Christmas actually. Do you? Yeah. The big sort of tubs of mini-cheddar they sell at Christmas.

Yeah, I love. In fact, thank you for tubs. Any tub at Christmas is a joy, isn't it? A tub of twiglets, tub of cheds, tub of twigs. Tubs aren't here around. If you eat a tub during the rest of the year, you feel pretty gross, I'd say. A tub of Jaffa cakes.

You know, there's elongated like a tube only at Christmas. Those are great. They're good. Yeah, really good. What's the biggest tople you've ever eaten? Oh, I think it was in the 80s. Everything was a bit oversized, you know, a bit flash. Flash Harry.

I think, I don't know where that came from. He was in Blackhalla, wasn't he? Flash Harry was. Flash Hart. Flash Hart. Harry Flash Hart. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I loved him.

Rick Mail. Yeah. I would say it was a real bigun and it was from... Not Edson. No, not mine. I think it had come straight from Switzerland. Had it? Yeah.

Somebody had been, it was the 80s, on a skiing holiday. Trevor? It's probably Trevor. Definitely Trevor. They would definitely go on skiing holidays. And my mum and dad would be a little bit disapproving. It was a little bit like, oh, great, that kind of vibe. They might have even brought you that big Toblerone, you never know.

I don't think it was them actually, but they could have done. Just post that, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What were we talking, like a big airport boy? I'm actually, I'm salivating. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm salivating. So good.

But you know what I love? And I don't know when it came in. You guys can probably tell me. When the dark Toblerone came in. Which is that? I think I was, what year was that? 90s? In the 90s?

I was still a kid. I don't think it might be later than that. It was dark, pretty white. Oh, white. Too, too sweet. Bar too sweet. I can't even, anything white chocolate guys. Really?

Anything. Oh, it makes me feel so ill. I could actually make myself sick. Live on your podcast. Imagining white chocolate. Yeah. Imagine being forced. You know, Bruce Bogtrotter in Matilda.

Imagine if that chocolate was white. Listen to this. There's a company in Leeds called Get Baked. And they do a cake called the Bruce. Which is, which is inspired by the Bruce Bogtrotter cake. 12 layers of this, this fudge chocolate fudge cake thing. And they only sell it in slices because it's so massive. And they sent me a slice and it's, it's the best thing ever.

Is it? Ed sent me a photo of it. We got it. It's insane. Am I wrong in thinking, Ed? Please. There's white chocolate icing on the outside. I was sent the Bruce wearing a white tux.

Which is a different version, which has a bit of white chocolate on the outside. Oh, that's evil. That is wrong. That reminds me of the cakes they used to make for their dogs on Blue Peter. When the icing was all, when the icing was always white. Thank you. Thank you to Get Baked. No, no, no.

Or no, I'm sure Get Baked are amazing. And I would never, ever dis, you know, a baked good. But 12 layers. I mean, oh, it was big. I want to hear more about these dog cakes, though. What, what? Also, I think it's pretty rich that you're turning your nose up at dog cakes when you'd happily drink out their bowls of shit,

shit in the cat litter. Oh, God. Let's go on to your dream menu proper. Your dream starter. Drita, sorry. I mean, it's, it's all that talk. Of white chocolate is making me. Joe, one of my favorite outtakes to watch is online,

is you bourbon on Taskmaster. Oh, yeah. You just sit in there on Taskmaster, you burping in the studio. Awful. You're a bit of everybody. Oh, just awful, awful, awful. It's great. Dream starter.

Oh, dear. It's backing up. It's backing up, guys. It's the talk of the white chocolate with God. I mean, I'm thinking in my mind's eye of the dog cake, Omelette Peter. Oh, dear. Dry crackers.

We need dry crackers. Oh, I thought that was your dream starter. Well, I'm going to say, I'm going to say a cracker with a macro paté on. Is that weak? Is that a weak starter? It's just weak. I don't think we've ever had a starter

that starts with the word a cracker with. Cracker with a macro paté. I love a macro paté. You're absolutely preaching something converted here. I love a macro paté. Do you make it? No. It's quite easy.

Yeah. Yeah. Would you go for chopped hard-boiled eggs inside it? Do you like a chopped hard-boiled egg? Maybe. Yeah, I do. I wouldn't necessarily think of it in a macro paté. That's nice.

I don't hate the sound of it. It's a nice little addendum. It's lovely. Yeah. I do love a macro paté. It's a very good choice. I love a macro paté. I would go for that.

I'd go for that. I was going to say, oh, but no. I'm going to go for that. On a cracker rather than like little toasts or bread? I know you're talking. But having dissed the bread and gone for the poppadoms, do I look like a hypocrite by saying toast? No, I don't think so.

Okay. Don't worry what people think about it. Yeah. Do you just go for what you want? You've already had the snap of the poppadoms, right? No, you can afford a little bit of softness in the toast or... No, I want to keep it snap. Cracker, pop.

What about, what about a little French toast? Yeah. Which is really, I love a French toast. Yeah. Yeah. But the starter that I'm thinking of, it's kind of a build your own. I don't want to be presented, I don't want to be presented with a plate with crackers and macropatate pre-done.

No. I want to build it myself. Okay. So how much macropatate do you want? Tons. Tons. Yeah. And a whole Christmas tub of crackers.

So I can just go and then... And just... Like a whole sleeve. A sleeve. Yeah. Thank you. I want a whole blues on sleeve of crackers for my starters. Great.

Although one doesn't want to fill up too much. Sure. And it's easy to do when there's lots of... Like with lots of little bits, you just know. If they go in quick, then that's fatal. Just posting them in. Posting. Yeah.

So yeah, maybe seven. Seven or eight? Seven or eight? What sort of crackers are they? I think I mentioned before, Ed. I would like French toast, please. Oh, sorry. A lot of blues on sleeve.

Now, the French toast, do you mean Melbourne toast? Melbourne toast. That's the same as French toast, isn't it? No. Oh, my God. What am I talking about? French toast is like with cinnamon and stuff. Yeah.

But I knew what you meant. I wonder if you can call that French toast as well. Maybe you can as well. I wouldn't like the sweet one with a macro patty. No, probably not. I thought about that. Reminds me. All right.

I've had a savoury French toast before and it was delicious. Was it? Yeah, yeah. A cafe in Manchester company was called... Cafe de Milba. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that was good stuff. That was like with mushrooms and truffle and...

Champignon, yeah. Des truffes, yeah. C'est bon. You speak fluent French, don't you? Yes, it's French. Yeah, yeah. It's very, very, very good. Taskmaster again, that's how I know that.

Oh! From you and Desky. You and Desky. Desky! God, don't you love Desk. Yeah, truly. A wonderful man. He's absolutely great, isn't he?

I was so chuffed when I found out that I was doing Taskmaster with Desky. I just thought, oh, everything's going to be fine. Do you know that thing? Yeah. So funny when you're calling him Desky as well. Yeah. Just back to the studio.

What's all this? What? He didn't love it. No. He kept that secret for years. Yeah. You completely blew it. No, he's Desky.

Desky! Yeah. He's a terrible name, isn't it? Your dream main course. Scotch eggs. What? Guys, what's the problem? What is the problem here?

Have you ever had a home-made Scotch egg? Yeah, amazing. And you have to pronounce it Scotch egg, as if it's just one word. Yeah, Scotch egg. We went on tour. Sue and I went on tour with a brilliant band once. And Denny, the guitarist, always said Scotch egg.

Yeah. And we just picked out... Tailed at the heart. Do you know that? Scotch egg. All right, Den. Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I'm going to have a Scotch egg.

How often was Denny having a Scotch egg? Oh, daily. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Daily. But these weren't like the homemade, like... No. This would have been absolute,

you know, stop-in-year-old petrol station. Yeah. Follow the feet on the floor to the microwave, you know, one of those... But you're talking about, like, one from a restaurant, a hot one running middle. I'm talking Ponzi, man. I'm not going to be all disingenuous and say,

oh, no, one from Tesco's fine. I want an absolute, expensive, humdinger of a Scotch egg. Yeah, yeah. I mean... Come on. They're delicious. Oh, look, it's great. You're having it hot, hot from the fryer?

Of course. Nice soft yolk, not running out of it, but it's like that perfect kind of like... Yeah, it's got to be perfect. What's the meat, because you can get loads of different ones? Well, interestingly, I was very fortunate enough, Big Zoo, his amazing chefs, they made me a Scotch egg. Yeah.

And it was lamb. Oh, nice. And you know what? I'm not going to lie, before I had it, I thought, will this be as good as the Scotch eggs that I'm used to? It was better. Right. It was spicy lamb mince, not mince,

meat, lamb meat. Yeah, but it would be mince. It would be mince. Yeah, be mince, yeah. James, you're so sweet, really encouraging. Go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go on. Yeah, it's mince.

Be mince, yeah. Because you've got to shape it around the egg, right? Yeah, but with herbs, guys, with herbs. Yeah, with herbs. Shout out to Tubsy and Hyder. Oh. Tubsy and Hyder, man. Tubsy and Hyder.

I mean, you said you love Tubs at Christmas. Tubsy's coming to town. I love those two. Yeah, they're great. They're all... I mean, it's such a fun show to do. Yeah. And they really do make some excellent food.

They make some incredible food. I burnt the roof of my mouth on the first bite. Oh, what did you have? Well, they did me a pop of domes or bread thing because of the podcast. Oh, of course. I stuck it in my mouth. Delicious.

Insulted you burnt the roof of my mouth. Stuck to the roof. Oh, I went in too fast. So took a lad of skin off the roof of my mouth, in pain for the rest of the episode, ate it and everything. It was all delicious. And luckily, the final dish was loads of ice cream,

so I really went... I ate the whole of that. Smoking. Yeah, I ate all of that. Thank you, Cappsie and Hyder. Thank you, big thing. Do you know what? Talking of hot foods that one eats too quickly,

I remember this so clearly. It was... Remember the fifth bonfire night? Chowed into a baked potato. Fainted. Bliming. Fainted. And my mum thought I was... Mum thought I was mucking about

because I literally just went her at the dinner table. And she... I just remember waking up out of the faint to my mum going, stop it, Nelly! Sorry, you know, getting attention. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Getting attention again, sort of thing.

Because it was so hot, you fainted. Because it was so hot. It was really unpleasant. It was so hot, you fainted. Yeah. I'm really greedy. My mum timed dinner once in the 70s. It could have been the 80s.

Timed our dinner, a family dinner. So the six of us round the table... Just a relaxing chilled out, didn't it? Relaxed chilled out. Seven minutes. Your whole dinner. Start to finish. Your family.

Because she used to bug the absolute crap out of her. Because obviously she went to the massive effort of cooking. Beautiful, you know, lovely food every single day. And it used to... We just went grrrr like that, you know. But she timed it. Did she tell you she was going to time it? No.

She did. And then when it's finished, she went, right, does someone look at seven minutes? I think it might even have been less than seven minutes, actually. That's quite bad. Do you think you're supposed to chew something 40 times? It's crazy. It's...

However many times you're supposed to chew something, it's mad. Have you tried that? Yeah, it takes ages. But it's disgusting. It's horrible by the end, yeah. 40 times. Imagine eating...

Doing your Christmas dinner and having to chew every mouthful 40 times. That is awful. Thank you. Everything down in seven minutes. Pass out on the table. Jobs are good. Mel just burped again.

Onto the cat litter. Every time Mel, Mel, Mel burps. She just looks over at me. Every time. Look, that's why it at me. Does it again. Oh, it's awful. It's awful.

It's not clever and it's awful. I'm sorry. Do you want the Big Z, Tubsy, Hyder, lamb Scotch eggs for your main course, then your dream main course? Or do you want a selection of Scotch eggs? You said Scotch eggs plural. Yeah.

I think Scotch eggs. Let's go plural. Let's go for a Tubsy Hyder. And let's go for... Oh, I went to a lovely pub in Gloucestershire. About a year ago. And they did a super Scotch egg handmade. I'd go for that again.

I can't remember what the pub was called, but it was one of those really sort of cosy, cosy, wozy, you know, fire on. Cotswolds stone. Do you know what I mean? One of those. Was that like a traditional pork Scotch egg? It was...

I think it was a bit poncy, actually. Yeah. It was a bit poncy. It was really delicious. I had a very good Scotch egg from... There's a bakery in Bristol. Yeah. Below Temple Mead station called Hart Bakery.

In the subway bit when you... In the subway bit. When you go to the... Yeah, so you walk down the slope and then you go back in and there's like... Yeah, just under the slope. There's the Hart Bakery, which is fantastic. They did a Scotch egg with, like, naga chili.

So it was quite spicy. It was fantastic. Hart. Hart, yeah, H-A-R-T. I'll remember that. I will travel for a Scotch egg. Yeah. I will.

And it's pretty easy, cos it's right next to the train station. Yeah. I love a Scotch egg. Even a cheapo. Yeah. Your shirt, James, is the colour of a Scotch egg. Is it? The yolk?

No, the outside. Like, the outside? Yeah, you look like a lovely Scotch egg. Oh, dear me. That's what you keep looking at. I know. A bourbon. Bourbon at you.

My eyes keep locking with you across the table cos you're wearing a Scotch egg. A Scotch egg. There's something about that initial purchase of tooth into outer casing. Yeah. Isn't there? There's just something.

Let's talk about that. Yeah. Let's talk about that, because that first bite of a Scotch egg... I want to get egg in there, and I don't like it when sometimes I bite. It falls out. It falls out.

And I just get the meat and the egg stays inside untouched. I'm like, oh, god damn it. I don't know how you feel about this, but with the big pot of Scotch eggs in restaurants, etc., when they're hot, how do you feel about the slice in half and then you bite it half so you get a cut through? You can see everything. Big first bite you get every minute.

Yeah, that's good. In fact, that's very satisfying, actually. Yeah, I'll definitely go for that. I've had a black pudding one recently as well. Yeah. So instead of sausage meat, it's black pudding on the outside. Very, very good. Unbelievable.

We can whack one of those on there for you, as well, if you want. Let's have a pyramid of Scotch eggs. Like a Ferrero Rocher pyramid of Scotch eggs. Yeah. Thank you. And somebody comes in and says, what's the catchphrase?

Oh, the ambassador's always delighted to see you. No, no, no, no. That's it. That's it. That's it. Nothing's the catchphrase. What is it? Hang on.

Oh, what is it? Well, the ambassador is always delighted to see you or something. That sounds wrong. Really lame catchphrase. What is it? Oh, the ambassador's reception is always... Something about the ambassador's reception. Go on.

The amb... Oh, was it voiceover or was it actually somebody speaking? I think it was a voiceover, wasn't it? The ambassador's receptions were always highly talked about. Something like that. And then someone would come in and say, the ambassador is always pleased to see you. It wasn't that, was it?

No, it wasn't even... It wasn't close enough. It was. Do you know? Our ambassador with this very rush is really spoiling us. Oh! Oh, James! Oh, God, of course it is.

That really annoys me. No, I think you're pretty close with the ambassador. He's always very happy to see you here. What is it again, James? Yeah, ambassador's receptions were always highly talked about. What? It was our ambassador with his very rush is you're really spoiling us. That's exactly it.

Our ambassador with these scotch eggs, you are really spoiling us. There you go. Yeah, it's the spoiling us, isn't it? That's the key. It's a Christmas episode. So we're going to hear about your Christmas dinner. Now we've had a lot of nice Christmas chats. Yeah.

Yeah, what would be your dream Christmas meal? What are you having? Oh, okay. Do you know, right? This is what I'd love to do on Christmas. With your Christmas dinner, you've got to have everything, aka all the trimmings. All the trimmings.

It's a kind of thing. You have to. You've got your potatoes, you've got your sprouts, you've got your carrots, you've got your parsips, you've got your turkey, the whole darn thing. Put your tennis week on. And your tennis week on. Thank you, Ed.

What I would like to do is just do away with the slightly boring elements and just go for the highlights. Okay. Take us through what the boring elements are. Boring elements, the potatoes. Wow. Whoa. That is huge.

Sorry. That's a big swing. That is huge. I sense hostility in here. No. You know what? No hostility here. I think it's about time someone remixed the Christmas dinner.

I just feel like there's going to be a lot of people listening. That's a bridge too far. I feel you have to mute all your socials when this goes out. I'm not on any. Well, congratulations because... Yeah. I'm not on a single platform. Superb is going to get a load of shit.

Yeah. What's the bulk of this episode? I'm going to be just prepared for this, guys. Buckle up. I'm saying do away with the turkey. Potatoes and turkey and sprouts. Okay. And carrots and parsnips.

Okay. So you're just going to have a tennis week on for Christmas dinner? I'm going to go for pigs in blankets, stuffing, gravy, tennis week on. Because those are my highlights. Yeah. And the bread sauce. Okay. Oh, I love that sauce.

Apologies to the Quince tree. With this load going in. Just pigs in blankets and a sweet corn. Yeah. What, that Quince tree? I think the Quince tree will get about a month off. Yeah. I love bread sauce, guys.

I could literally upend a vat of bread sauce and just go, I love it with gravy. In fact, let's do away with the pigs in blankets. Oh, no. Wow. Now you're going too far. And possibly the sweet corn and just have the bread sauce and gravy. And stuffing.

Bread sauce and gravy is your dream Christmas meal. And stuffing. Bread sauce, gravy and stuffing, that's your dream Christmas meal. Yeah, I could do that. That's great. It's like Christmas dinner in an old people's home. It's all nice and soft stuff you can chew with no teeth. Now, here's what I'm about to ask you.

And I, we have only just met today. Yeah. I feel a little bit hesitant asking you this. Go on. But I'm free for a drink after the show. When Sue came on, she told a story that's very memorable to the listeners. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

About a shaman who blew raspberry vodka up her bum. So good. You just chosen for your Christmas dinner, gravy and bread sauce. How would you like to consume that? Do you want to upend the bat, like you said? Or do you want to get the shaman out? The shaman is not available to all of our guests. No, the shaman is only available to you.

And perks. And perks. And perks. I'd worry about the clagging if the shaman was involved. Because bread sauce, there's a lot more volume to it, isn't it? And also because he'd be under the surface of the hot tub, wouldn't he? Yes, because he has got a couple of hot tub. Even if the bread sauce wasn't going where it's going,

I wouldn't be confident that he could blow bread sauce through a straw into a hot tub anyway. Yeah, I'd worry. I would. It would glob you all pretty quickly. It would. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Lately, thank you for glob you all.

I would... I'd like it out of a shoe. You know how in those really glamorous films, you see people drinking, you know, champagne out of a shoe? Out of a shoe, out of like a high heel, yeah. It's Christmas. Let's get it in a shoe. Yeah.

Bread sauce in a shoe. And upend it. Let's go mad. Like a curly elf shoe. Something like that. A Christmassy, a Christmassy related shoe. Yeah. Is that the bread sauce and the gravy in the stew?

Yeah. Shoe. Not in a stew. Sorry, I had gravy and I went with stew. Actually, that's the thing. They must be slightly separate. I don't like it all mushed up together. You want to have your gravy, your bread sauce, and your stuffing.

Yes. Those are the highlights of the meal, guys. I was on board with you until you got rid of pigs and blankets. That was rash. Hello, people. Rasha. That was rasha. It wasn't it?

It was. Let's bring those back. Can we have them back? Yes, oh, absolutely. Let's bring them back. Also, and it's a pun that's already been done on Taskmaster, but melon shoe? Melon shoe. Are we going to say that again?

Actually, I'm now thinking, ah, the shoe is a bit comedy comedy. No, I just want it on a plate. You know, I was trying to outdo Sue's anecdote, was what I was trying to do. Yeah, it was fine. You know, I was trying to sort of be more off the wall. You can't be more off the wall

than a shaman blowing raspberry vodka up your new news. Absolutely. So, was it the new news or was it it was wherever it was? Up the bum. Up the bum. So, I'm not going to say shoe. I'm going to say give you a good old fashion plate. But because you want everything divided.

Yeah. Do you want a prison tray? That would be nice. You're welcome. Merry Christmas. Prison tray. Prison tray. So festive, yeah.

A grey metallic prison tray. You can have someone just slam it in just. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bread sauce gravy stuffing. Yeah. That's it. Oh, and also boxing date for your sandwich. Very important.

The same bread sauce gravy stuffing. How are you going to keep them separate though? No, then you're allowed to mix them. Okay. Then you put a little weave, a little bit of cranberry sauce in there too. But oh, I love a boxing day sandwich with all the stuff that you've eaten the day before.

Well, congratulations. You've just invented the sloppiest sandwich, no demand. More of a savory trifle. Oh, that's horrid. You're not getting that to your mouth before it all falls out the bread back on the plate again. Yeah. Yeah.

Turkey's overrated though. Turkey's overrated. Well, you know, I've had good turkey. I've had bad turkey. There's this one, the person who turned their nose at dog cakes earlier. The dog's birthday cakes on Blue Pea. And then like what I would like to eat is bread sauce stuffing. And gravy.

That sounds like a dog cake. That sounds like a dog food. The dog cakes on Blue Pea. Does it sound weird? Yeah, because you've got the gravy. You've got the gravy and the meat element. So stuffing's basically dog food for humans. You mash all that together and then the white outside, which is the bread sauce.

I've created the dog. You've created a new dog cake. That's actually what I want. Isn't it? That's weird. Oh, guys, that's a worry, isn't it? Yeah, I think you might actually want to be a dog on Blue Peter. The best turkey I've ever eaten was, it's an Agilla Lawson recipe, actually.

I have to say, she marinades the whole ruddy turkey. Have you done that? No. 48 hours. Sublime. Yeah, yeah. Sublime. In a bath of herbs and spices, it is Sir Ruddy Blime.

You don't want that on you Christmas? I can't be asked. I can't be asked. I mean, there's no effort on your part, just so you know. No, I know. Even just saying it, I just think of all the effort that's gone into it, and I don't want to put anyone through that. Yeah, fair enough.

In fact, it takes too long. Bless her, she's got other things to do. I'll just stick to the bread, as I said, the bread sauce, the stuffing, and the gravy. Yeah. On a prison tray. On a prison tray. Beautiful.

Boxing day, all together. In a sandwich. In a sandwich. Your dream side dish. Hugh Grant. It's a loophole that no one's utilized before on the podcast. Yeah, you can use that. Absolutely.

You want Hugh Grant to come in? Grantee. To share a Scotch egg with you? If he was curled up on a little plate, just being his normal little self, just, I'd absolutely, I would love that. I'm objectifying him a bit, and I do apologize. You go for it.

To Hugh. When you say he's all curled up on a plate, you want a little Hugh Grant or a normal sized actual Hugh Grant? I'm actually, do you know what I'm thinking about? We were talking about Taskmaster in our Taskmaster, series four. Knolls on it, Knoll Fielding. Yes.

Do you remember when he disguised himself? Camouflage, the camouflage task. Camouflage banana. As yeah, as a banana. And he ends up in the fruit bowl. I'm seeing Hugh Grant in a little, in a mini one. So a mini Hugh Grant on a plate. You're not going to, are you going to eat the mini Hugh Grant?

I think that would be wrong. Okay. Okay, but are you going to do it? Might lick him. Yeah. Little lick. That's a great side dish. Yeah, Hugh Grant.

Hugh Grant. Now, if I may and tell me if this is a step too far. Oh, no, here we go. You've got a little Hugh Grant there. A shame in comes in. I've got Grant, guys. I've actually got really. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Sorry, team. Let me just, I think it was the talk of Hugh Grant. Don't touch your house keys and we'll be all right. Yeah. You don't go anywhere near those house keys. Keep your hands where we can see them. I've just cramped up my right leg.

Oh, no. Sorry, gang. That's lack of potassium or something, isn't it? Man, you set a bag of mini genders, so I doubt it. While you're walking it off, do you want to talk about, um, back to laska gate? Oh, my Lord. Sorry about that.

I don't know what happened there. It was just the Hugh Grant chat. Cramped my leg up. Bait to laska gate. I mean, the drama. The absurd, it was outrageous. It was outrageous. I'm saying all this because I'm trying to remember exactly what happened.

Sue said that she tried to talk him down. She tried to talk him down. Do you remember the incident itself? I like the way she puts herself into the center of the drama there. I'm sure that was me trying to talk him down. Yeah. He was in a bad mood. Ian.

Yes. From the moment he walked in that morning, he just was. You could see it all over his, his eyebrows were very, you know, you know, when people knit their eyebrows, you just know, hello, give them a little bit of space. You can just tell. There was some. So you say when people are in a really weird, bad mood at the bake-off tent,

people know to stay clear of them, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Or you go up and make some terrible pun about what they're baking, either or. So it takes forever by the time I got in there. No one was punning anymore. They, um, they made some weird ice creams that day.

Somebody was making a goat, a goat milk ice cream, which stank. I can't remember who that was. You know when you would, you can, you can recall a smell. A smell brings you back to at least more than anything almost, doesn't it? Oh, I can't remember who it was. One of the benches have this disgusting goat milk ice cream. Anyway, Ian sort of, you know, growling away, and it was something like 32 degrees, you know, of all the days to be making baked ice cream.

I always feel terrible for them on those days. Oh my God. Awful. Like when they're trying to temper chocolate. Tempering chocolate. Anything ice cream based. Nightmare. And back in the day, I don't know what it's like now,

but I think the budget's probably a lot bigger, isn't it, on Channel 4? Not sure. Back in the days of the BBC Bake Off, there wasn't, in classic, there wasn't enough freezer space. Really? They hadn't thought it through. So they were all, you know, desperately trying to get freezer space, and I can't remember what happened.

Someone took his out for a second, I think, to put that, someone thought that his was done. Took his out. Diana thought, his had sesame seeds in it, I remember now, it was a sesame seed and something ice cream. Paul and Mary then said that there is no way, it was out for 31 seconds, I think, there is no way that if the ice cream had been properly made, it would have melted in that time, even in 32 degree heat. That's why they said his, you know, wasn't any good.

That was it. But silly man, because he made a lovely sponge. Yeah, and they all went straight in the bin. Straight in the bin. He ruddy-binned it. Do you remember how you felt when it went in the bin? Quite sort of, yeah, this is going to make a ten. I loved it.

And it was one of those bins, I seem to remember, that was a, you know, a pedal bin. Yeah. So you saw the foot just, whoof, you know, in the top. And it just, you know, like eating a mini cheddar, just fell swoop, just. Yeah, Paul actually said, Ian, you could have brought up the contents of that bin to be judged, and we'd have put you through. But he just threw the baby out with the bath water. Yeah.

So he was, he was, he was a goner. He was a goner. Your dream drink. You got a little Hugh Grant there as your side dish. You've given him a lick. What are you washing that down with? Bacardi and Coke. Bacardi and Diet Coke, I should say.

Oh, it's a fun drink. Yeah. Because you've got your... Ben's having a great time. Yeah, Ben's loving this. Ben's great. You've got your, the joy of the Bacardi that gives you the whoo-hoo-hoo. You know, it keeps you, you know, really sort of, whoa.

And then the Diet Coke keeps you going. Yeah. Yeah. Like the youngins these days would have, let's say, a Jägermeister and a Red Bull. Or an espresso martini. Thank you. That sort of stuff. Yeah.

So you've got your fun and then you've got your, let's keep going with the fun. The fun prolonger, if you will. All in one drink. So are you partying after your dream meal? Yeah. You're going to hit the town? Partying throughout it, I would say. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But would you have Bacardi and Coke with a meal? Well, I like a cup of tea with a meal. I'm sure you've had loads of people on the podcast who said a cup of tea. Not many, a couple of people. Yeah, not many people. Yeah.

I don't think drinks should be boxed away into this is just a drink. Yeah. And you can only drink the drink when you're having a drink. I think drinks should be allowed to be drunk with food. That's a very, Joe Watt. I hope that gets typed out in its entirety. Yeah. And posted online as a inspiring quote.

Yes. I'd hang that in my toilet. Yeah. Oh, dear. Yes. All that was missing there was a comma and the word ambassador. Ambassador, you've really spoiled us with these. It was one of those Euroadverts, wasn't it?

So that... Yeah. You got the quite wrong there again, by the way. Oh, is it? It wasn't ambassador. You've really spoiled us with this. What was it again? James, what is it?

Ambassador, with these Ferrero Roches. You're really spoiling us. Boiling us. Ambassador, with these Ferrero Roches. You're really spoiling us. You've got to see like a sketch of you in that advert and getting the line wrong every time. Every single time.

Right, cut. Mel. Ambassador, that's what I call food. Ambassador, you're so kind. And then the punchline is you finally get the line right and not the pyramid over. Yeah, yeah, you lean on it. I think I'm straight through it.

Oh, I do love a Ferrero Rocher. Can we have those for putzies? Is that... Your dream put in is another pyramid. It's the second pyramid of the meal. Let's stay with the pyramid. Let's stay with the pyramid. Let's do a pyramid of Scotch egg.

Well, Bacardi and Coke, you know, like a champagne pyramid. You could do that with... All the glasses have got Bacardi in them and then you pour the Diet Coke from the top and it all floods in. That's good. Yeah? Exciting, isn't it?

Have you ever drunk off a like a frozen swan? You know, have you? I've never done that, like a vodka. Yeah, a vodka, ice sculpture, a Halloween party that my agency threw. Is it nice? It was fun. I'd love to drink out of an ice sculpture.

I did. Mock the Week had thrown a party. You guys in your comedy party. I actually know, I actually know. It wasn't Mock. Come on. So it was after a record of Mock the Week, then we learned that QI were thrown a party upstairs. Lovely.

So we all snuck in and they had a swan ice sculpture. What? And myself that you could drink out. People could pour booze in and it would come down, but it was a doubler. So it'd be two swan heads and you had to both, two of you had to do it. And it was wonderful.

How the other panellos live? Yeah, it was a real honor. I thought the bee would really cut back on there, you know. A year ago. It was ages and ages ago. Still a nice sculpture. Now there's only one swan head at the QI party. That was a sad day.

Was that in Fridays or Toxic Days? This was, I think it was Fridays, TGI Fridays, but he wasn't there at the party. I remember Rod Gilbert was there. He was on the panel. Noel was there. He was on the panel. Then died of a heart attack during a thunderstorm.

And Allen was there. He was at the time regaling every one of the stories of but playing a Hobbit in the Lord of the Rings films. Amazing. But I remember at the Mock the Week drinks, there was a couple who had come to watch Mock the Week. They'd been giving tickets, free tickets and backstage stuff,

because there was a news story about how the guy was up late watching Mock the Week in bed. And because of that, he realized that his house was on fire and was able to get everyone out of the house. And if he had not been watching Mock the Week, it would have happened. So there was a news story about-

He would have been watching something else. Yeah, probably. But yeah, he probably had to say, it was Mock the Week. I was staying up late watching on my own in a room away from my wife. But like, the news story was Mock the Week saved our lives.

Yeah. You can't go to the same point he was actually watching. Yeah, yeah. Never mind why. So they were there, the actual couple. Conveniently his laptop burned up in the fire as well. But like- And his trousers were burnt.

Shit, my trousers were burnt in there. I had them on and they just went up in flames. I took all the loud. And we were like, the reason why we all crashed the QI party was because they had heard the rumors and they clearly wanted to say what they were like. We heard them.

Yeah, it wasn't that demeaning for us because we never really knew anything from any of us. Hang on. They sound quite crafty. They were like, we've heard there's a QI party there. Noel Field is up there. That's her favorite comedian. Was it awesome?

Come on then. Let's go upstairs. That fire, was it awesome? Did they do it themselves? In order to meet Noel Field. In order to time it with the QI Christmas party. Might have been actually. It all fits.

Yeah. You know, I'm thinking back to panel shows. Yeah. And it's literally, it's a plastic, you know, cup tumbler of quash or you know, isn't it? I'm not even sure I've had booze of late on a panel show. I've never seen the light before. This is unbelievable.

Surely, but surely on your panel show, you can surely, you know. On Unforgivable. Do a bit of flexing on it and say, come on. I tell you that we've got the budge gang. I tell you we've got the budge. You can tell them, I'll walk otherwise. If you, if you're not getting a nice sculpture that we pour gravy and bread sauce down.

I'm walking. I'm bloody walking. Do you know, but I don't think we've ever, oh yeah, they do have drinks. I don't think I've ever been to them. No, because I guess did it start during a height of COVID? Absolutely. There was no, I mean, yeah, there was absolutely no mingling at all.

Yeah. I literally barely saw anyone. It was bizarre. You know what? You worked through that, you know, weird, really weird. I did Unforgivable during all of that and part of the distancing was you had to put a microphone on a long stick to interview some of the contributors from the public who came on.

And you got this long microphone pole and you thrust in this woman's face. And then she told you that she had a genuine phobia of foam. It was a phone, it was a phone mic. She was absolutely terrified. She was scared. Mel just losing her mind laughing like wiggling this big phone. So it was just going up and down in her face. Well remembered, Ed.

It was, oh, it's fantastic. I'd never forget that. Oh my God. It was so funny. Well, is it a pyramid of Ferrero Roche for dessert? It is. And your Taskmaster sandwich, of course. Oh.

The exotic sandwich. Yeah. You want that for dessert, the exotic sandwich? Yeah, go on. Yeah, chuck it in there. Eminem up the nose. Oh, dear. Oh, dear, dear.

Oh, double decker's. I just remember the double decker's being the absolute needle on the camel's back. No, the straw that broke the camel's back. Even worse if it's a needle, though. I forget in yours, you ate stuff, didn't you? No, we didn't have any eating in us. No, no eating. Did you, James?

Yeah. That's some of our ones were, actually, they didn't make us eat anything, but I did a lot of eating. Well, we had to make, actually, a Christmas cracker. And I chose the Christmas cracker contents to be a Christmas dinner. Yes. So I ate a lot of that while I was making it. I remember that.

I'm going to read your menu back to you now. See how you feel about it. OK. You would like sparkling water with a dash of something, maybe elderflower. Poppynoms or bread. Poppynoms with all the dips. Starter. Melba toast with mackerel pate.

Main course. A pyramid of expensive Scotch eggs. Humdinger. Scotch eggs. Landmints. Tubsy. But they're my Tubsy and Hyder. One from the Gloucestershire pub.

And the black pudding one that Ed mentioned. I'm going to just suspect that Bonita had a lot of trouble keeping up with this, writing it down. Yeah, yeah. By the rhythm in which you're reading. Also, it's a bilge around melba toast with a mackerel pate. Thank you. Christmas.

Stuff in bread sauce, gravy in a prison tray. Pigs and blankets are back as well. Boxing day sandwich the next day. Thank you. Side dish. Tiny Hugh Grant, give him a lick. Drink. A pyramid of Bacardi and Diet Cokes.

Dessert. A pyramid of Ferrero Rocher. And your Taskmaster sandwich. Exciting sandwich just to finish it off. I'm not going to change a single thing. No, you shouldn't. And you shouldn't. That sounds absolutely ideal.

That's perfect, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, there's so many highlights there. So many pyramids. So many pyramids. So many pyramids. Yeah.

Bacarius. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, Tiny Hugh Grant, maybe go and scale one of the pyramids, do you think? Yeah. Yeah. He'll be on the top.

He'll be Howard Carter. Like, you know, he'll go in in a sort of pith helmet and discover the tomb of Toon Carmine. From something, I don't know. And once more, what's the catchphrase of it? Oh. Okay. Ambassador.

Ambassador. With these Ferrero Rocher, you are truly spoiling us. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I do. Yeah. And that might be... Well, that wasn't truly...

Hugh Grant, the one I was saying. It wasn't truly, definitely not truly. I did really, but I think it might be... I think truly sounds better. I think it's really. I think you were right. I think you got it absolutely perfect, and it's a wonderful way to end the podcast.

Well, the key thing is, is to remember that spoiling us comes at the end. Yes, yeah. Because if you do spoiling us at the beginning, you end up with a real old hash. Ambassador, you're spoiling us with these amazing chocolates that you brought in on a play. It doesn't sound the same when you do it.

It doesn't sound the same. Mel, thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant and Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Mel. It's Merry Christmas to both of you. What a wonderful Christmas menu. In a way, in a way. In a way.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. In a way. Yeah. Yes. The menu itself, not ideal, perhaps. Kind of mad. A lot of pyramids.

Yeah, a lot of pyramids. The worst Christmas dinner I've ever heard. No, I actually, I was on board with a lot of the Christmas dinner. It's a shame to lose the potatoes, but I would happily just have a big bowl of pigs and blankets stuffing gravy bread sauce. Sure.

Pigs and blankets. Yeah, I'm happy with that. Yeah. Happy with that being in there. I'll probably put them number one. Yeah. Of my own personal list. We've done it before.

We've done it before and we'll do it again. We've ranked them all. Yeah, it was an odd menu, but so many highlights along the way. Tiny little Hugh Grant, I'm sure, enjoyed himself. We didn't ask if Hugh Grant was allowed to go around and eat the food. I'm sure, I mean, if there's so much stuff on the pyramid, but I'd be worried he would gnaw away at the foundations of the pyramid.

Yeah, and then it would topple on him. Yeah. Pulled it with Hugh Grant. He'd be taken away and tied away with Roche's. I had too many questions about the Tiny Hugh Grant that I didn't get to ask. Yeah. Apologies to the listeners.

If you're thinking we should have really drilled down into the Hugh Grant a little bit more. Maybe we'll have to get Mel back in the future for something. Yes. And we can really find out more about Tiny Hugh Grant. Is it actual Hugh Grant? Is it a tiny representation of Hugh Grant? Yeah.

Do you release him back into the wild afterwards? Is he allowed to just do his own thing in between courses when it's not the side? You know, is he allowed to just walk around doing stuff to help himself? If he needs to go to the toilets, he'll have to go out to the quince tree. Yeah. So many questions. First time we've ever had a person as a course?

Yeah, that is the first time we've had a person, I think. No one's chosen cannibalism. Again, you are right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also, didn't say Satsuma in a stock exchange. No, exactly. Didn't say Satsuma. Very happy about that.

And we might have another Christmasy episode coming up soon. Yeah, next week we definitely do. Maybe, if you wish upon a star. Christmas time, you'd be nice, not naughty. Be nice, not naughty, but we will be back next week with another Christmas episode. If you're lucky. With another absolutely belting guest.

Yes. See you next week. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Hello, it's me, Amy Glendale. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato. And our relationship's never been the same since.

And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil in case... Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here, sneaking in. We're here, sneaking in. We're here, sneaking in.

We're here, sneaking in. Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here, sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the new stories that we've missed out from the North because, look, we're two Northerners, sure. But we've been living in London for a long time.

The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News. We'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glendale's mum on, every episode. That's Northern News.

When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.