Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 180: Reece Shearsmith

Episode Date: February 22, 2023

The Dream Restaurant finally has an address: 9, err, Genie Lane. Oh and also it’s a nest. Reece Shearsmith is this week’s diner.Trigger warning: this episode contains talk about dieting and weight. Reece Shearsmith is in ‘The Unfriend’ at the Criterion Theatre in London’s West End until 16 April. Tickets and info here.‘Inside No 9’ is on BBC iPlayer.Follow Reece on Twitter @ReeceShearsmithRecorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, slicing the squid of conversation, dunking it in the batter of good humour, and frying it in the oil of the internet. We're making podcast Calamari, baby. I absolutely love that. My name is James Etty Calamari, and that is Ed Squidbull. Ed Squidbull. And of course, we are joined as ever by the Wedge of Lemon. This is the great bonito. Squirty, squirty Wedge of Lemon spraying over all the food. And you might not see him, but the flavour is there. It's not the same without him. Yeah, throughout the podcast,

the flavour is there, man. You've got to give him a squeeze. He's sharp. He's abrasive. He's yellow. This is the Off Menu podcast. We have a dream restaurant, Ed and I. And we invite a guest every single week. We ask them their favourite ever, starter, main course, dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order. And this week, our guest is... Rhys Shearsmith. Oh, Rhys Shearsmith, League of Gentlemen, Inside Number 9, Psychoville, and many, many other brilliant things, James. Ahoy, Mahatis. What's that? National Treasure. We're in National Treasure territory, for sure. Yeah, not buried treasure, actually. Not buried treasure. I just realised Pirates is more buried treasure. Yeah. As of when we

record in this, Rhys Shearsmith is not buried. We'll save the pirate impression for when we release an episode with a national treasure who, since recording the episode, has passed. Yeah, and there will be buried treasure. Yeah. And, I mean, this is a guest who will love it when he's dead. Rhys Shearsmith, I imagine, is very much looking forward to being dead. Yeah, he loves all that stuff, isn't he? He loves all that stuff. Hopefully, we'll get a dark menu, maybe. Some spooky stories. Some spooky stuff. But, hopefully, he will not die before he does the whole run of the unfriend, James. It's a new play that he's in. Very much looking forward to seeing it. It's been written by Stephen Moffat, and it's been directed

by Mark Gatis. I mean, come on. This is the dream team we're talking here. This is very exciting. I really like the sound. I mean, hopefully, we'll get some more info from Rhys about it. I'm sure we will. It's on right now at the criterion. It's a strictly limited season. So, go to the unfriend.com to book tickets for that. I'm going. Maybe you'll be there on the same night as I am. Yeah, I'm going. Maybe you'll be there on the same night as I am. So, listen, I love Rhys Shearsmith. I'm going to try not to fanboy out. But, if Rhys Shearsmith says a secret ingredient, an ingredient which we deem to be unacceptable, we will kick him out of the dream restaurant. We will. And this week, our secret ingredient

is special stuff. Special stuff. It's a reference. It's a reference. You know the reference. You know the reference? That's a reference. Welcome to the reference. Good to level with you. This is the first thing we've recorded today. And I've not really slept very well. Hence, I can't say the word reference. Yep. I feel fit as a fiddle, though. So, I'm fairly one of those rare occasions where I'm picking up the slack. Yes, please. Please pick up that slack. But this is what it sounds like when I'm picking up the slack, is that you do notice that there is slack there still. But don't worry. There will be no slack in this interview. Very excited to chat to Rhys

Shearsmith. Special stuff with some League of Gentlemen, by the way. Yeah, they know that. Well, some people might not know, but we've got some young listeners. If they're excited to listen to this, and they're like, Rhys Shearsmith, they're going to know special stuff. There's people in the pies. No. They'll never say. That's the point. Yeah, yeah. We know it's people. No, we don't. Do we? We do know it's people. We don't know it's people. Special stuff. Why does it give people nosebleeds? Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah. This is the off-menu menu of Rhys Shearsmith. Welcome, Rhys, to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you. Thank you for having me.

Welcome, Rhys Shearsmith, to the Dream Restaurant. I've been expecting you for some time. Thank you very much. Now, I need some clarification about what the Dream Restaurant can do. Because can it shrink me down to the size of a sparrow? Yes. Of course, you've got a genie here. The genie could do that. Good, because my location, if you want to know it, is a nest. So if that's all right, it's allowed. So the Dream Restaurant for you is a nest, and you're the size of a sparrow. I can't say it's come up before, but it is allowed. I guess we'll ask why. Really? Yeah, I wonder if you were going to ask it. But the reason is,

when I was little, I read a very little known Roald Dahl book. It's very slim, called The Magic Finger. And in that, it's not really celebrated. Maybe you'll know why when I explain it. But a girl that turns the next door neighbour she doesn't like into sparrows, birds. And then these big birds end up in her house with arms. But they've got wings. I'm not one of the winged part, otherwise I can't eat the meal. So one of the nicest bits in it, it's not mentalised. I re-read it recently, you know, when you have that strange memory when you're sure of things, you look back at them and they're completely different.

Me and Marcus Steve have a collective memory of an armchair thriller with Martin Jarvis, who gets sent a box of chocolates and he opens it up and it's dog shit rolled into chocolates. And that's not true. That never happened. It happened, but it wasn't Martin Jarvis. What a weird collective memory. I feel like you've remembered the main bit of that, though. If there was an armchair play with Martin Jarvis and he just had some chocolates and you'd all remembered some dog shit being wrapped up in there, that'd be weird. Yeah, I guess so. Also, if I was to kind of like think what part of that TV show you three had made up in your heads, it would not be the Martin Jarvis part. It would be people eating dog shit.

So anyway, yes, the story of the magic finger of my roll doll is this little girl transforms these mean neighbours into sparrows and they have to make a nest to sleep because they can no longer live in their house. They build a nest and it's in a tree and one of the nicest cosies bits of it in my memory. And this is sort of trajectory for my entire menu, for my dream restaurant endeavours, because it's a nice cosy feeling and increasingly as I get older, all my, I cling on to the nice memories of childhood that make me feel happy. One of these memories was when they build this nest and they are in it for the night, it pours down with rain and they're in the nest. It's a very cosy memory of, I remember thinking, I'd like to do that and be in a nest at night

time whilst it's raining, pit a pattern on the trees and in fact, a raging storm. Maybe it's a little bit like being in a tent when it's pouring down with rain, something great about it, isn't it? So that's where I want my meal to happen, first of all. So you can get the stuff up the tree, no problem, that's all fine. Good, well that's where we are then. Are you a sparrow forever then after that? No, she is kind, the girl turns them back and then there's a redemptive quality to the story. But you in the dream restaurant, you're down to the size of a sparrow to eat the meal, are you then going to be full-sized race again? While I'm eating. After you've eaten. Oh, after I've eaten, yeah, I go back to normal,

yeah. I come down from the tree, the meals over, I go about my life. You have to have found yourself as full-sized race. Yeah, and it's not, you know, the meal is now going to be an extension of this whole situation like worms or anything. Then the meal is the meal. Human food. Is it raining during the meal so you can hear? Yes, yes, definitely, otherwise there's no point to the nest. That's what you wanted. Definitely, yeah. Are you a fan of food in general or are you a foodie? I was thinking about am I a foodie. I'm quite obsessed with my way to not, but only through vanity for filming. So I always try to not err on getting fat, but I think I could easily be, I could eat a lot of food and unbidden and become. Do you ever not think about writing

episode for the next series of Inside Number Nine where you do like a sort of method thing where you allow yourself to change body shape to play a character? That would be so good, yeah. I mean, the best characters, and we don't do it very often now, but is when you wear padding, because then it doesn't matter what's happening to you underneath. It's the best ever when you wear like size 40s trousers or whatever it might be. But it's increasingly hard to not remain slim. I have a very strict, and I've just recently broken my foot, so I can't do it, but I have quite on the side of fitness. I have a morning regime with these very rich ladies that we've got. It's like a Sergeant Major man that does a workout with us every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Using the rich ladies.

The Sergeant Major man. Yeah, and the Sergeant Major man. That's not his name. I'm not going to tell him his name, but yeah. And he's kind. He's like a Sergeant Major, but he's nice with it. So we don't get told off. He's just encouraged. And it's outside, and it's nice now, and it's all the way there. And I used to really like doing it. I've not done it for too long now, because I was filming, and that stopped it. And then I broke my foot, so I'm not being able to get back on it. It's gotten, isn't it? When you find a type of exercise you enjoy, and you're actually doing it quite regularly, you're like, I'm getting back on top, especially like, you know, since the pandemic and stuff. Absolutely. We all fell behind that kind of stuff. You start getting back on it

again, and then something like breaking your foot. Yeah. Like, God damn it. A silly, silly accident. Yeah. And it's like being through a door, isn't it? You're either completely fully doing it and can't not do it. Yeah. Or you just, why did I ever think I was doing that? I don't do that. I beat. So I'm in the other side of the door at the moment, with the door firmly closed and just looking through all the fit people. Yeah, all the rich ladies. Yeah. Would you ever go down to hang out with the Sergeant Major and the rich ladies with the broken foot just to sort of pick up the vibes? I might walk by with a cane. It's that way. Now in the morning, where I know there'll be, marching down the steps and rolling and doing, you know, prone work on the side of the

hill and look at them enviously weirdly. But yeah, I don't know, it would make me feel too unfit to do that. I have to, I mean, in it or out of it, and there's a WhatsApp group, when I sort of mute the WhatsApp group, because I can't bear that I still see everyone nine o'clock tomorrow and thanks for a great morning. It was great, wasn't it? No, I wasn't part of it. You've all done about a thousand calories. I've done nothing. I've eaten some Jeff cakes. So that is a constant reminder of how much I'm not doing. So food wise, it's a slight adversarial quality to food, because I try to eat healthily, but not, I'm sometimes, then I go on like weird crash course of having slim fast and dieting and trying to be thin for a duration and then not mind

again, because I think I'm not, no one's going to take a picture of me now for ages, so it doesn't matter. That is the pictures that, that's the deterrent. Yeah, and the only reason I'm, even now, not, I'm shaving today, and I, you know, why would I be if I wasn't coming to see you? Oh, oh, it's very special. Yeah, I put clothes on. I mean, I only maintain the existence of humanoid form, because I am in front of people at certain times in my existence. Yeah. So that's the only reason that you do any type of, any manners, washing, being polite. Yep. If I didn't have to encounter any people, which I don't like doing, I think I'd be some sort of troll creature. Yeah. Why not? No need to have any. It's good for not being recognised as well. Yes, of course, yeah. Well, talking about

middle class English obsession with good manners, you could do, do in a play soon called the unfriend. That's right. That's really good, James. What a good link. Yeah. Not bad, eh? No, it's one of my better ones. You seemless to me. I mean, I'd bet a bell even though you've brought it up. Yeah, I'm quite pleased about that. Well, I heard you dropped the manners thing in, and I was like, ah, that's, that's wrong, a little bell in my head. And he said, talk about, and I thought, we haven't really been talking about that. Yeah, we haven't really been talking about that. No, so in fact, it's quite, no, no, it's all right. It's fine, actually. Yeah, it's good first draft. Yeah. And yes,

I am doing a play about manners, I guess you could say that. Yeah, Stephen Moffitt wrote this play called the unfriend, which we did in Chichester at the Festival Theatre last year. It's about, it's a true story about this, his neighbors who went on a cruise. It's sort of an unbelievable story, but it was all true. And he, he listened to them and he said, can I have this as a, as an idea? And he wrote a play about it. Debbie and Peter, his neighbors went on holiday on a cruise and they met and befriended this American lady on the deck of the ship. And they've sort of gotten you over a few, the couple of weeks they were on the cruise. They parted their ways at the end and she said, oh, we must get, swap email addresses,

we'll keep in contact. And they thought, well, fine, we'll do that, but we'll never see her again. And within like a month, she was emailing saying, can I come and stay with you? I'm coming to England. And they were like, oh, okay. And so they wrote back sensitively. Yes, they'd friend, they'd done like, is it a friend? I don't do Facebook, you do friends on Facebook. It's quite, it's why it's called the unfriend because they, when they found out about else, they unfriended her immediately. And the wife, Debbie Googled her to find out a bit more about it because they, well, we don't even know who she is. And now she's coming to our house and got children, blah, blah, blah. Wrang the husband when she found out, come home. I need to tell

you something that I've found out about Elsa. I don't think the real name was Elsa. What's happened? Tell me, I can't tell you over the phone, you've got to come home. So she's come home, you come home. What's the worst thing you could find out about someone that's coming to stay with you? I don't know, guess. Debbie, I don't know what is it, guess. I don't know, murderer, yes. And she was a murderer and she'd killed, I think her, definitely her father and a couple of, an old couple of old ladies all for greed and got off on a technicality. Definitely did it and was out. And so in real life, they just emailed and said, of course you can't come, we've got children. No, we don't want anything more to do with you. And that was the end of it. We

never heard of her again. In the play, they're too polite and too British to say no. So she comes. And it's this sort of awful situation that just gets worse and worse for this family that have got this murder poisoning in the house. Very funny play and I'm very delighted it got a transfer. So we're doing it again in there. And directed by Mark as well? Directed by Mark Gatis, my old cohort, yeah, that which was great fun. Stephen Moffitt wrote it. Amanda Abbington is playing my wife. It's a really funny play. It's sort of not, there's no bigger meaning other than hopefully you will come and just laugh. It's just funny, I think, as if that's a bad thing, but it's not. I think in the days we're in, it's quite good just to have a laugh. So yeah, that's what I'm be doing at the

moment. Fantastic. And that's on until the 16th of April as well. That's right. Yes. That's such a long time for you to have to shave and be presented. I know. You're right. Actually, yes. There is that to having to do it at theatre. You've got to be at a certain place. I'm sure you know what it's like. I'm everyone does when you've got a list of not even in the week, but just day to day things that I just love it when things get ticked off and you achieve them. I don't know what will happen when one day when I don't have anything in the diary, but I sort of love it and don't love it. I'm always busy, but I don't, and I strive for the day where it's like decks are cleared, but then within a minute, now what am I doing? Yeah.

I'm failing. So it's an endless torture. Yeah. It's not a happy life. Life's a torture. Yes. No, exactly. This is why I need to go in a nest. Well, it's raining. While it's raining. Exactly. You understand, don't you? Yes, I understand. Good, good. We always start with still or sparkling water. You see, and again, you plunge me into a dilemma, because, and I was thinking about this whole idea of going to a restaurant. It's massively stressful for me in the same way as going to the cinema. They're going to come sit next to me. They're going to talk all the way through it. They are talking all the way through it.

Do I say anything? The light, please don't be checking the text all the way through, or they are doing a running commentary of what if, shall I say something? Oh no, shall I move? Now I've left it too late. Same thing applies with the minefield of going to a restaurant to me. They've put me near the toilet. I'm near a draft. I can't bear it. Those people are too loud talking. So there's constant things. And one of the first hurdles is the passive aggressive still or sparkling. Because to me, it's just, oh, they're all trying to bump the price up and they want me to buy water. I just want to say tap. And if it's raining, I can just put a little, maybe half egg shell out and just collect some water. I don't really need it. I forgot you were in a mess for a second.

Yeah. Weird you don't like being next to the toilet if you have the pitter-patter of rain so much when you're having your meal. That's very different to the pitter-patter of piss. Yeah, you know, it's a different link. But if you push me to answer and if it's free in the dream restaurant, sparkling. Now, if you're a bird, can you have sparkling because I thought it exploded their stomachs. That's interesting. I thought that was pigeons and paracetamol. Because I think I've done it. You think you've done it? I'm a memory of doing it at school. So my house used to back onto my school playing field. And I remember throwing them across the way to see if it happened. I don't remember anything happening. Yeah. Did you do it or is this a

Martin Jarvis situation? Jarvis, Jarvis did that. It was at Amshetary Road in 1970s about Amanda talking upon himself to explode the stomach. I mean, I quite like the thought of your dream water being half an egg shell full of rain water that you've had. That's a cursed child. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which actually inexplicably is the front of the palace theater. And it's that Harry Potter. But there's nothing to do with that in the play. The little thing, the little child with an in it. Yeah, yeah. It's got nothing to do with any of it, unless I miss something. There's nothing to do with it. And I think it, I really enjoyed the curse. I mean, I only went because of that nest. I enjoyed it. But finally, I got caught in the nest. There's nothing to do

with it, waiting sat. The second half, obviously, they're going to keep the next thing to the second half to keep people interested. Yeah. It doesn't come. You're ready, ready to get on. Yeah, ready, ready. Next thing explained. It massively smacks of a play that was advertised before it was finished. Yeah, let's have a nest and a child in it. And we'll explain that later. No illusion or anything. That's a big swing, isn't it? To assume you're going to put a nest in it. I think first draft must have had a nest in it. Yeah. Must have done. But they've just removed it and then not thought about the front frontist piece of the theater. Yeah. Which was to cost loads, are you imagine? Yeah, absolutely. Would you ever be tempted? Like have you ever been like, you know,

in the West End late at night, you've had a few. Try pulling down. I'm going to get in that nest. I'll get in it. Yeah, I'm going to get in it. I'm going to climb up there and get in that nest. Yeah, there's nothing to do with the play. I haven't thought about climbing up there, but now you've put that in my head. Yeah, could happen. I quite like to curl up in a nest. Yeah, I don't know when it's finished. But is it? Well, I don't know. But I think it'd be... Is it to do with the nest? And the... I don't think you could write the next thing. Ah. And then make a nest. Make... There's a nest in the next thing. Yes. And then I think you're a shoo-in to get that theater because they just leave the nest up.

Yes, it's there, ready. Yeah, can we keep the nest? Yeah, it makes sense now, finally. I wonder what it could be, a child in a nest. Well, it could be like the play of this podcast. You could do a magic finger. Yes. Musical or play. Magic finger the musical. That's a good idea. No one's done it. Yeah. I think people would be quite excited if you, you know, did a roll down. Did a roll down. I think Netflix have got them all under their belts. But yeah, I'll look into it. I'll look into it. Yeah. Netflix could... They might be watching Magic Finger. No, they're not going to want Magic Finger anyway. It's not their demographic. They've done the algorithms. No one likes nests. Yeah.

No one's watching nests. No one's watching nests. I'm the oddie. It's all his recommendations are. Yeah. More nests. Yes, yes, you may like. He stands outside that theater every day. Staring up with... He's very near it. Still nothing. Bill, you've got a bit over this. It's not a real nest. Bill, you've really lost it, man. There's something pink in there. Yes, it's a baby. And we don't know why. So are you going for the eggshell or are you going for sparkling water? It seems churlish to not enjoy the things that are on offer from the restaurant. Sure. So I'll say the sparkling water. And to answer your question,

I don't know about whether birds can have sparkling. But I'm not a bird. I'm a person. You're a person who's been trying to answer the size of a bird. So I'm having a sparkling. You're going to be very clear that you're not a bird, you're a person. Yes. What do you got to get the parameters right? Define your terms. So I say, yes, sparkling water in a little tiny glass. Little tiny glass, not an eggshell. No. Not an eggshell. I mean, there shouldn't really be shells in the nest. Otherwise, that's not very nice, is it? It's not really a bit dirty. I imagine it's quite clean. I want like a little booze in the

corner of the nest. Yes, definitely. It's a bit weird because I'm imagining you're the only one in there. Yeah, I think I am as well. I think I'm the only one because I don't, there's not very many people that would probably want to come with me. So I say alone, then I don't have any, you know, there might be the old squirrel that's going to make a lot of noise and that will unite me. But then they've got a right to be there, I guess, in the trees. Depends where it is. Can it be anywhere? Can it be in the quiet tree? Anywhere, really quiet. I think really quiet. Because the other option, where if it wasn't going to be in the nest, was a sort of library-like situation, quiet.

Because you mentioned cinemas earlier. And I feel like the days are over now where people are quiet. Absolutely. Of course, yeah. It's gone. Yeah. I mean, you get like, it's like a restaurant around you, isn't it? Chairs, things slid in, they come to you and ask you, what are you, do you want some nachos? Yeah, I had that the other night. And I like the idea of it. But then the trailers had started and there were still loads of waiters in there being like, does anyone else want anything else? No, no, no. Again, define your terms. Are you coming to eat, go to a restaurant? Are you watching a film quietly? Yeah. Not being brought nachos. They're most sloppy, not conducive in the dark item. Yeah, they stink. And they stink. Yeah.

It's one from up from an old people's home to me. This tray is being brought out. Yeah. Yeah, it's like five o'clock, like TV time. Yeah, it's five o'clock, getting them all tucked up in bed, five forty-five old nights out. Yeah. Getting back, getting them up again at four in the morning. How angry do you get at the people looking on their phones? Oh, yeah. I mean, incensed, of course. Yeah. You know, there was, I don't know if it's true. I like to think it's true because it makes me angry. And I sort of enjoy being angry. There was talk of a theatre seat in the theatre where you could tweet from it. Your thoughts. What? During. Can you believe that? Like, what if you're going to do it? Let's have a special chair where

you can do it from. So this frame. I mean, yeah. Do you want a seat to tweet in when you're in the nest? Oh, great. Double meaning there. Yeah, I know. It's really good because it wasn't planned. No, no, no. I mean, I've only been planning it for about 25 minutes. Yeah, yeah. Very good. Seamlessly slotted in. But you're not a bird. You're a person. Yeah. So I'm not going to be tweeting. No. Yeah, remember that. Poppidom's all bread. Poppidom's all bread. Poppidom's all bread. Yes. Oh, is it, he's saying it in a loud voice to make me answer very quickly because I'm, I'm stalling. Poppidom's. Yeah. Yeah. It's unusual, isn't it? Yeah, I love Poppidom's. I think it's Poppidom's though. Yeah. People say. People choose. The bread comes along and

then next thing I'm going to be asking for, olive oil and balsamic. No, not in a nest. Seeping through the bottom. Yeah. Does the Poppidom's not lead to dips? You're not asking for dips with the Poppidom's? Some mango chutney. Yeah. That would be all though. I don't like any of the kinds. Interesting. No. Just the mango chutney. No, cut, bear it. When you've got that weird pot that's like something that's really hot in here, I just chuck it immediately. Yeah, yeah. Such a waste. I never want it. A spicy one. You know the one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want it. And then there's the other one that's just full of onions. Yeah. Don't give me that. Yeah. It's like a set of things that I just don't want and I get given them all the time. Why do they learn? Actually,

I never tell them. So that's what they're done. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you guys are loads of different places. Mint yoga one. Yeah, I'd have it. I'm not sure that the dream restaurant needs to be counting that up the tree to me there. No. Yeah, yeah. You just have the mango chutney. Do you want, so you know how they normally come on like a four dip, like wheel? Yes. Do you want that but all mango chutney in every pot? Yes, please. Yeah, sounds good. Because there's never enough, is there, to me? Yeah. Or Nutella. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How many of the four are Nutella? Yeah. Maybe one Nutella. Yeah, just to try. Yeah, just to try. Because I've never done it. Yeah, yeah. I don't know about mango and Nutella together. I remember one of the options that was dismissed in the list

of things that we're about to talk about was something that I used to really love when I was little and it was a fried egg sandwich, peanut butter and jam. Wow. Imagine that. Yeah. It's like an Elvis sandwich. It is literally. Yeah. It's funny you should say that because I read the only yesterday that he, they've, I don't know, obviously they cut him up and had a look, but there was a stool in him that was there four years. What? Yeah, I know what. Yeah. Yeah. How do they tell? God knows. They cut it open and cut the rings. How did they tell? Four years. Four years ago. Was there like a receipt in there from? They must have just said to, you know, done some sort of test on the, what was in the stool and gone, that's from four years ago, that.

Wow. It explains his dance style. He's trying to shake it out. He just did that one leg, just trying to, oh God, come on. I've got to get this out of me. Did he, I don't know how we've gotten to Elvis. Anyway, yes. Your sandwich, your fried egg sandwich. That's right. Yes. So, I mean, I guess peanut butter and jello is an American thing, isn't it? Yeah. But yes, jam peanut butter on a fried egg in a sandwich. How did that start? With something I used to enjoy. God, I don't remember. I think, you know what? I think it was something to do with top cat. Yeah. He lived in a bed. Yeah. Maybe, but there's some connection with children's television and that sandwich being created. Yeah. So, you saw it on an episode

of top cat and then saw something like that. Yeah. I've done that. I've done that. I've said it on the podcast before. I ate peanut butter and bacon sandwiches for a long time because I saw it on a show called Ed. Really? Not him, not this guy. Ed, the lawyer who lived in the bowling alley. The lawyer who lived in the bowling alley. Yeah. And here's one episode when he was recommending peanut butter and bacon sandwiches to everyone. And for a year, I ate peanut butter and bacon sandwiches because of that. Wow. So, I... You understand it. Yes. Yeah. Well, it's not featuring in the dream restaurant. You don't have to create it. It won't be there. But it was a plan B. Well, I could, as an amuse-bouche...

Yes, possibly. I could present you with a... Thank you. Peanut butter. I'd like it. I mean, as it is, I've already... I'm saddled with poppadums. I'm not that bothered by them. I would never... But you've forced me into... So, I mean, if you want, as your bread course, then, but we're talking about poppadums or bread. Yeah. If you have anything bread related, you can have one of those sandwiches. Yeah. Maybe I'll do that then. I mean, I've slid it back in. Yeah, go on then. You can have that. You can have that sandwich as your poppadums or bread. Have you had one of those sandwiches since you used to have them as a kid? No. I haven't. And it's interesting to me to think maybe I should try it. How runny is the yolk? Oh, quite runny,

but not with an L biting it and all pissing out the end, which is... You know that? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, see, that... I love that sandwich. Do you? Yeah, because that makes me think I love that sandwich. Right. To me, that's just... It's just too messy. Yeah. But I know what you mean. Isn't it funny? There are things in films and TV that do put you on to things and then you sort of... You assimilate them, don't you? Yeah. Same with another one of my choices, which I haven't gone for, but the... For the drink. I know we're skipping around, but the drink was going to be a white Russian purely because of the Big Lebowski. Yeah. Yeah, lovely. Same thing where you just think, yes, that makes me want to try that. I never... Yeah. The Kahlua and the milk.

I find Nishkumar comedian. Yeah. He has white Russians every year for his birthday. Right. So we will... Yeah. That's what we associate that with a lot as well. Right, yes. I think it might have even come from... I think it probably comes from the Big Lebowski. The Big Lebowski, yeah. It's got to be his drink, hasn't it? Yeah. It's done it. It's a thing. Yeah. Interesting. That sounds great. And also, in terms of things like films and how they affect you, the egg running out the sandwich, I said it on the podcast when Richard E. Grant was on. Oh, right. The start of a whiff nail and I, when someone bites into the egg sandwich and it comes out the end, disgusting, and it makes him feel like, I've got to get out of this city. Yes. I've always thought, yeah,

that's gross. It's horrible. Right. But Ed was like, this is the idea of heaven. Love it. It's like, that's why I want that sandwich. That's what I think about every time I have a fried egg sandwich. And the same whiff nail, just talking about whiff nail is, to me, the sherry in whiff nail makes me want to have sherry and come on to sherry, sherry. Yeah. And lighter fluid as well. Yes. Your dream starter. Dream starter. Heinz Oxtail Soup. Wow. Specific, isn't it? Very specific. And that is because, again, in my quest for sort of triggering via food and the remembrances of things, the feeling I used to have when, because Heinz Oxtail Soup, weirdly, is only when I was ill as a child and off school that I would be given it as a sort of restorative.

So it sort of reminds me of having a stomach bug. But also it's the happy thing because it's like, I'm off school. I'm watching Crown Court. I should be going back to school, but I've got the afternoon off. So I'm deliberately picking it to sort of trigger a happy memory from childhood. And that, weirdly, ticks that that box. So my first question is, what's Crown Court? Right, of course it would be. Crown Court, of course, because you're young, I feel. So for me, Sesame Street was day off school. Crown Court used to be on the TV and it was a depiction of famous trials. It's really boring. In a court and people knew there would be the defence and the prosecution and you would have basically the whole, it was like before there was real trials shown. This was just a depictions

of like this man has stolen these boots and you watch the whole thing play out. And sometimes it would be those kind of things. And I think made up, I don't, Gatiss will be able to tell me if this is true or not. But I don't think there were always real cases. But then one time, I think inexplicably, I'm sure, Crippin was on. Not the real one. I've looked through Crippin's real glasses, by the way. Have you? How do you lay your hands on Crippin's glasses? Because I was taken to the back room of when they closed down the Chamber of Horrors. And I was able to just rifle through it all. And I picked up this box. It had Crippin's glasses

and I just picked them up and looked through. I saw the world through his eyes. So that was Crown Court and it was sort of dull but equally great because it didn't matter what was on, because I wasn't going back to school in the afternoon. What I really love about you and your creative cohorts, that group of people, is this overlap of you all like the same things that you go, and Gatiss would know this. He knows what Crown Court was like. Because you've obviously, you've all... We all have had to say, I mean, very in a very strange way. I mean, I'm sure it's not strange for groups of friends when you find your people. You often have these crossroads. It's like, yes, exactly. I remember that. I didn't

think anyone else did. But we seem to have the same childhood across the four of us. All of us remembering 1977, Bonfire Night, when we all stayed in, didn't watch the fireworks, but stayed in and watched 625 BBC One carry on screaming, rather than go and watch the fireworks. It seems like, I did that. I did that. And it was amazing to find this sort of link across our collective remembrances and passions and weird, the ignition of a love of horror and comedy and black humour that we all seem to share. And even now, to this day, if I can't Google something, I'll ring Steve or Mark and they'll have the answer, of course. See that, to me, now, because we're talking about Inside Number 9 before this, I was thinking,

if that was an Inside Number 9 episode, the twist at the end would be, it's all the same person. We all remember that the Bonfire Night, when we all stayed in and we watched this, then we've all become friends, and then actually, it's the same guy at the end. You love it when people pitch ideas for episodes, right? Yeah, but we have done one like that. Can we kind of, if you want? We've sort of done one like that, James. Yeah, yeah, yeah. However, yes.

That's why I compared it. It's a good twist. I wasn't pitching it as a new one. No, no, of course. I was saying, it reminds me of Inside Number 9. He's got any new one. Any ideas? I don't want to say any new ones.

I just want them to say them again, but decide if... Yeah. Well, that sounds very nice that you've chosen that as that memory. Yes, it's slightly odd, isn't it, because it is connected with being poorly. I remember when I was a little, I just tried to make myself get cold by running... I used to do it repeatedly, run up to the door and put my nose near the keyhole to try and get a draft into my nostril. When I was a little, I used to do it. To try and get off school.

Yes. Yeah, and that was the best way you could think to do it was nose to the keyhole. No, just to the keyhole. The freezer's sitting completely... I'm molested in the corner. Yeah, so... Not going near the freezer. No, no, just a gentle breeze through the keyhole.

Sniff the keyhole. It didn't work. But, you know, I taught like I'm... All my entire childhood was based on trying to not go to school, but I remember one time really wanting to go to school and having a terrible stomach ache and having to come back, because I had diarrhea. I was sent home having shattered myself.

I think maybe that's another Jarvis, actually. Yeah, what do you think? Maybe it didn't happen, but the threat of it might have... Yeah. ...back home again. But yeah, it was interesting. Of course, whenever you did get ill, your parents couldn't give you anything.

You should find it all for the pigeons. Yes, of course. Yeah. Oh, we've got some painkillers. Oh, they've all gone. What are all the pigeons doing on that field? Taking an experiment. Taking an experiment.

The other thing you used to do as a kid, in the same bat garden that I was throwing past few tomorrows over the fence, was try to catch a bat. Every night, nearly every night, from when I was about 11 to about 15, I was about old, at the end of the garden, with my dad's fishing net trying to catch bats. I realised now it was a futile...

Yeah. ...devil. Yeah. Because you can't catch them, can you? Because they're... No, they're not. They're not. ...solar.

However, I just wanted one. I wanted a little bat, and then I was told they were full of lice, and they would have bit me, and I might have got something horrible. So I stopped trying to catch them, but I never did catch one. Yeah, they loved growing from my house. My mum used to look after bats.

No. Yeah. So, like, if there was injured bats, my mum would look after them. Probably one of the ones that if I had caught it. Some fucking hit this with a net. And I'm like, yeah, there's a number of bats. They're like, yeah, I had them hanging off my finger.

No, you didn't. When they were learning to fly again. Peppestreals. Yeah, yeah. So you'd be there with your finger out, hanging it, and then you'd fly around the living room, go back on your finger again. Oh, way.

And then, yeah, my mum would release them back into the wild. Australia to Halloween. Peppestreal to Halloween. Peppestreal to Halloween. Yeah. But, yeah, once pet rescue came to interview my mum. No. So I'd do a pet rescue episode about my mum.

Why the hell haven't you told me this? Well, it hasn't come up before. Bats, amazing. Yeah, yeah. I was trying to get in the background of it, and they cut me out of the shot. Oh, as per. Yeah.

I'm used to it now. Oh, it's like the Adams family. Yeah, yeah. They're good, you know. Good Adams family. Yeah, good Adams family. Brilliant. Big stuff.

What would you have done with the bat if you'd caught it? I'd have looked at it for a bit, and then tried to uncurl it from the net, because I presume it would have gone into a tight ball. Yeah, it would have got bad. Yeah, it would have been bad. And then just let it go, I guess. Yeah.

You could have started COVID much earlier. Got it out of the way. Can't blame me for that. This is 1976. But yes, I would have just been fulfilled. I caught one, finally. I haven't done it for many years, attempted it. And then I would let it go again.

Yeah, but I think I did try to have a bat box at the end of the garden. Nothing ever went in it. No. Annoyingly. But you had him in your house. You had him in the house? Incredible.

Well, I don't know, about four of them at different times. Pet ones, any of your names? They get names, but just because my mum wouldn't have named them, just because we were kids and wanted to. But real names, or like B21 or something? No, no, we were wanting to give them names. I can't remember what they were called. I remember the pet rescue one was called something stupid,

because we just give it silly comedy names that made us laugh as kids. But then the pet rescue people were like, we want you to call this one radar, because it's for the show. Yes. My mum was like, that's very basic. They want people thinking that I catch bats and I call them stuff like radar.

Yes, yeah, yeah. That's the kind of person I am. But they were insistent that on camera, make sure you refer to it as radar. So through a gritted teeth, she would say. Oh, wow. And it was if it was her idea. Yeah, so she really didn't love it.

I can't stand it. It reminds me of when you get stumped people to do things for you in filming, and you look terrible because they're doing it and their acting is bad. You've made me look shit now. I don't know why I leap from about to that, but that's what it reminds me of.

Same injustice. I love the thought of a stunt person or one of your shows doing a massive stunt, like smashing through a window, holding through a fire, lying on the floor, and then you're going, you make me look shit now. That is exactly what I think of. Your dream main course.

Yes. Well, again, in the spirit of picking things that will just trigger, it's like, Heston, isn't it this? He does that. He has meals with him, and he tries to trigger memories. Christmas dinner.

Yes. Full on. That's my choice. I know it might be a bit boring. Are there other people who ever picked that? Richard Osman. Richard Osman did. But that was back in third episode.

Third episode of the whole thing. So we're having a return. But like, it's not been, people have chosen roasts. Yeah, yeah, but it's a specific thing, isn't it Christmas? Christmas dinner, I don't think. We've had Christmas pudding,

right? Interesting. But yeah, it's rare to get the full Christmas dinner as the main course. I think full on. Pigs in blankets. The whole works. Turkey.

Yeah. Turkey. Yeah. And yeah, sprouts. People don't like sprouts, so they're not. People don't like them. That's how they're made.

How would you have the sprouts? Well, probably steamed, but then the nice addition of chestnuts on. Oh, nice, yeah. Some roast chestnuts sprinkled on top, just a few little bits. That is good. That's what I'd have, yeah.

And very nice gravy. Can't ever go wrong with it. I think people sometimes let themselves down with the gravy. You've got to have that, that has to be. I spend, well, I do cook, actually.

I'm going to talk about this, but I was on the bake-off. And I try to spend the time making a nice gravy, because I think it really does add to the meal when you get a good one. You can tell when it's a bad one with the food.

Yeah. This is now not, I'm not going to say over the line. Yeah. Might as well just pour a pint of water all over your dinner if you've done it. That oftentimes is what gravy is. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I agree. So would you like this gravy to be made by yourself? Maybe, actually, I don't know who I would call on in the restaurant to make me a nice gravy, but if you could find someone. It could be anyone you want in the world, really.

Really? It was good at gravies though, I don't know. Yeah. Who's the best cook? So it was the best one at the gravy. Information you got access to, yeah. I don't have access to it,

but if the restaurant could find that out... Would Mark know? We could call Mark. Yeah, maybe. Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark. I don't know if it was in a horror film, nice and simple. Yeah.

Christopher Lee did a lovely gravy. That's what else we've got. We've got stuffing. Oh yeah, definitely stuffing. And I don't mind sort of just, you know, packeted stuffing, but I sometimes find it too much

when it's stuffing and it's meat. You only get them full on slabs of meat that also become stuffing. Like sausage meat, yeah. I quite regard that in the same way as stuffing as I know it. Sure. I could quite easily eat stuffing,

just pour some water on it and eat it on the bowl. But I have them. You can't because you have. Yeah, very short amount of time there between you pretending something was hypothetical to a funny confessor that you have done that. I know, I know.

I'm getting a bit too obsessed with the nest thing. Yeah. But are you shrinking the food down as well, or are you having a full-sized Christmas dinner in a nest? I couldn't get through the full-sized Christmas dinner if I was... Yeah. It has to be small.

Do you want small portions or small versions? No. It's the same amount as that I would have if I was full-sized, but bird-size. Yeah. So it's like, so there's no difference in fact because it's all to scale. Yeah.

So it's all to scale. So we're magic fingering the turkey as well. Yeah, we have to. Well, let's not start using that as a phrase. Okay. We're magic fingering all the food. Another magic finger in turkey. But that is what it is.

Yeah. You magic finger in a turkey. You're in charge of it. I just want it brought to me. And the other thing, anyway, there's never going to be any complaints with the Dream Restaurant, are there? Because imagine the thing of...

Exactly. I'm always surprised by how unbidden people are about complaining in restaurants. I've been sat next to people and I'm aghast. I was at one... I was at the Ivy in Marleybone not three weeks ago and someone ordered food. I think it was some sort of...

They wanted a fried egg on top. And they didn't do one, but they wanted this fried egg on top. What was it? I can't remember. But anyway, they asked for it and they got it. They weren't happy with it. It was too cold.

They were very apologetic, sent it back immediately. The people with them, the father had got the same and he let his go back to the kitchen whilst the other one was warm. Right. So he wasn't going to eat ahead of the son. Right.

Came back again. I found a hair in it, he says. Again. And it went back again. And then a third time. Yeah, what the fuck have they done to that egg the third time it comes back? Exactly. Exactly.

But I just... What I couldn't believe was, you're not going to do it again. Yeah. Because it's enough of a huge mountain that you're going to go, excuse me, there's something wrong. I would never in a million years complain. Especially if you've already made them go out of their way

to put an egg on something. Yeah, it wasn't on the menu. They created a thing. Yes. I mean, yes, it's an egg. All right. Yeah. It's not that big a reach to find one and crack it on top.

However, three times over, something wrong with it. Yeah. And then I realized when I looked at the person, I thought, you just don't want to eat. Oh, really? That's what I thought. I thought, you're finding any reason to not eat. There was a bigger psychological problem.

Yeah, yeah. So this is an interest in the two different parts of your personality here. Because you say that when you're in a restaurant, loads of things you don't like. Ah, yes. All this stuff. But you never complain. But all of your problems were about other people eating in the restaurant,

not the restaurant itself. Well, the draft, too near the toilets. Yeah, but you, yeah. If they put your two near the toilets in the draft, you're just sitting there for the whole meal and dealing with it. You're not saying you're moving. I wouldn't say it. There's a tiny window of opportunity to dare to say,

but it's gone with it. And I'd never, never then said it. Also, you've already admitted you quite like being angry. Yeah. So why would you ruin that for yourself? But we, on the one hand, yes, I'm furious all the time, but I never say anything. I'm just furious, impotent rage.

Do anything about it. I've eaten raw chicken rather than complain and say sorry, this is pink and there's blood in it. Yeah, yeah. I literally, I remember there was plastic in it. Oh, wow. I thought this is plus plastic on this chicken. I'm not going to say this.

Is everything all right? I said, yes, thank you. Why? Yes. And it's on end. My family sit with me raging going, don't eat that. It's pink.

You're going to get stomachache. But at least, you know, the next day you can have oxtail soup. Yeah. Yes. If they get ill. There's a whole road lead back to the oxtail. The round court box set. I'm well up for anyone complaining at the Ivy.

I've only been to the Ivy a couple of times. And I'll say it. I think it is one of the most overrated places. I do not get at all. What's good about this podcast is it's not showbiz or... Listen. It's for everyone, you know? I didn't mean to throw that in as if that's the thing

because I don't really ever go. But yes, I say it because it was, to me, it was all right. But it was the thing of the person continually complaining. You get that flocked wallpaper. Yeah. It's like that wallpaper that looks like a jungle. Yeah, I know which one you mean. Yeah.

I just think that, you know, I don't want anyone... Anyone who's not been to the Ivy going, oh, yeah, one day I'd love to go to that. Don't bother. Yeah. Well, I think into the original was a thing, right? It was like a showbiz thing and it was like an exclusive restaurant. And then they've franchised it out and there's loads of it.

That's what happens when it gets franchised. But what I don't like about it is you still get treated like shit by them waiting stuff. Yeah. So you go there and they look down their nose at you and they treat you like you're in this fancy pants place and then they bring you out something that may as well be on the menu of the bills.

Yeah. You said your egg back three times, didn't you? Yeah. How about you? I was furious. Whoever said that back is a hero to me. Yeah, daring to do it. Great.

Yeah. Yeah. I know what you mean. I mean, yes, it's... But yeah, the idea of complaining, I sort of admire people but then I wince when I see it happening because I see the poor people there. Run off their feet, blah, blah, blah.

Don't be mean. I'm torn with seeing both sides. I'd really struggle to complain. But then also, I was out for lunch with my dad yesterday and I've actually never really seen him complain in a restaurant but when I do, I find it really awkward. Right. And I just sit there like really still.

Yeah. But yesterday, he was paying too many compliments. Ah, equally... So he was like calling the staff over to be like, this is fantastic. Oh, no. Come on. It's too much, Dad.

It's too much. Yeah. Or chatting to the wine guy about wine for ages. Right. Yeah, he just loves it. That's what you know. He's dropping hints to you, Ed. You don't talk to him enough.

You don't talk to the wine guy. I don't like it if you start to get... It becomes like, don't think you've got a rapport with me now. Yeah. Talking to me too much now. And I don't like you and I'm not going to be your friend. Is this you about the wine guy? This is me about the wine guy.

Or is that you? Or about us. You can't hurt our feelings. In those encounters, there's a level where you just have to do the job. We have a transaction, not your friend. Do you think it'll be like the film Cable Guy? The wine guy never leaves you.

Never leaves you. I don't think it's your friend. End up with a Burger King hat on with it. Yeah. I'd watch that film. Yeah. I'd watch a British remake of Cable Guy and it's called Wine Guy and it's recent someone.

As a wine guy at a restaurant. I would love to play that sort of part, yeah. I would be the Matthew Broderick. Yes. Yes, of course. Yeah, I wouldn't be the irritant. I'd be the one that's getting more and more furious but keeping a lid on it or not.

Yeah, yeah. So eventually... I'd sort of think who would be the wine guy. Yeah, who would be the wine guy. Who would be a good wine guy to play alongside Reese. Yeah, someone who can play unhinged. I mean, I do that as well, I don't know. Yeah, yeah.

You could play both. I do a bit of both. Maybe I do both to Tom Hardy, play all the parts. He always plays doubles himself, doesn't he? Yeah, he does that. That Kray Brothers film. Yeah, yeah, Venom. Yeah.

Same thing twice over. Yeah. I feel the best part... When films, when people play multiple roles, I actually feel like the best part of that is the trailer. Where they go, Reese Shearsmith and Reese Shearsmith. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Again, yeah. And then all this. Then that's exciting. And then you watch the film and you go, it's just the same guy. Yeah, yeah. I've gone over again. I get it now.

Yeah. Do you have a dream side dish then? When people choose roasts or Christmas dinners, I'm never sure if they're going to have a side because they've got all the trimmings. But do you have a dream? Well, I am, but it's nothing to do with Christmas. Right.

Haggis. Oh, yeah. So the reason is, again, in a sort of pulling into this dream scenario, all my favourite things. I love, I don't know why I'm nothing to do with Scotland, but Burns Night and Haggis and Neeps and Tatties, to me, is a lovely, again, sort of all, it's not all tumble, of course, it's January,

but it's just a great, I make it into a thing in our house and I sort of insist that we do Burns Night. And weirdly, I was in, filming Good Omens in Scotland, last Burns Night, he was dead. I was there, I went, walked around the streets, I went into the Deacon Brody, expecting everyone to be kicking in, quiet as the grave.

So I am the only one keeping it alive, it would seem. Yeah, what about you? So I pick Haggis as a side dish, it's sort of extraordinary and weirdly, I just thought it goes against what I just said about the stuffing being meaty. But I do like Haggis, I don't know, I've probably not very good for you.

I'm also picking things that I don't have a lot of, often. No one's having Haggis on the wreck though, are they? You should, you should. I would if, again, I didn't have to encounter people. Yeah. Like some sort of Stephen King creature that's in the house by himself eating Haggis on time. I think you wouldn't get very far, would you?

You'd end up, it's another Elvis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's four years plus. That's four years plus. That's God knows what they're pulling at you there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pull back. I think Haggis is one of the foods

that has the most undeserved bad reputation really. Good, I'm glad you said that. It's delicious. Isn't it? But all the way through my childhood on TV, is the punchline of a lot of jokes. Them telling, describing, you know, what's in it, what it is, and everyone going,

oh, so it goes back to it. Yeah, yeah, it's got to inside of a cow's stomach. Yeah. All the rest of it, all the... But I think they did, they damaged the PR by cooking it inside a cow's stomach. Probably didn't have to do that. Like now when you see it in just like the plastic.

Yeah. And you can cook it in there, just boil it and stuff. That's right, yeah. Lovely. And you puncture it and it all bursts out. Yeah. It's great. It's great.

They can explode in fact, can't they? Last time I did one in Edinburgh on my own. I cut into it having had the three hours of what it was cooking away. And it burst. Yeah. Like some sort of monstrous... It's like John Carpeter's The Thing.

Like a pigeon's stomach. It's like, yes, if I was able to put a camera in. But yeah, so Haggis, I mean, am I allowed the neeps and tatties? Or is it purely only Haggis as an addition? I think if you want neeps and tatties, you want to have a... Because I like the idea

of you've got Christmas main course and a side dish of burns tonight. Yes, that was the idea. Yeah, so I think neeps and tatties there. Great. Also, you've got a gravy kicking around that could happily slosh over both. Absolutely, yeah.

I think so. And the other thing I've never done actually with Haggis, you meant to pour a bit of whiskey on it, aren't you? Yeah, you see people do it later in my experiences of burns night. I thought, oh, I'll just try that, yeah. Do you want to read a poem? I would read a burns night poem.

Yeah, I mean, not now, but I wouldn't do it. I'll do it on the... Yeah, I'll do it in the nest. To the wine waiter. Yeah. You might not want to hear it, but I'm going to do it. When he brings that particular bit, just so we're in burns night mode.

Well, that sounds great. Yeah, good, I'm glad. I love that. And it's a big side dish as well. It's a lot. Also, I mean, you know, I'm quite excited for it. It's your menu and we're getting all these like big calendar days of the year there,

because a lot of listeners are going to be getting 12 days of Christine kind of vibes. That's what they are. He hates it. He hates it. 12 days of Christine. He hates it. Because it's very on brand for you to hate,

probably a lot of the fans' favorite episode. It'll absolutely be like 12 days of Christine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're not even in it. You're in it. Well, I mean, even a tiny bit. You're in it. You're in it.

You're in it. You're in it. You're in it. You're trying to help. You're... I know. Well, yeah. You've been taken by the car or something.

Caused it, yeah. Yes, it's a good one. Oh, yes. I've never been happier to bring up something. I wrote it in five days and it's an amazing one. Everyone recounts has been the best ever episode. It's not your favorite. Not favorite.

Not your favorite. If you were charged, yeah. And one of what's interesting is, you know, we try our best, and the hardest thing in the world is to make them funny. Admitted, that one is not funny. It's got some funny things in it, like people are in the world funny along the way.

But because it's got heart, it's because it makes people cry. They are the ones that seemingly stick with people, like with the one we did with the double act in Steve. That was very moving as well, not. You know, it's not something we tried. I think it's a gimmick. We don't think, oh, we should do a sad one.

That's what works. But that one, I think was the first one that we did, Christine, that was sort of like unexpectedly emotional. And so, and of course it's great, and Sheridan Smith is great in it. I just get annoyed, because it's everyone's first route number one. And I hate ranking.

I hate them putting them in order anyway. There's some real stinkers you can't get through. Where are you reading the stories? I'm back on Twitter. Do you know what? Don't stop looking. I've got to look at these, and I want to get them out,

I want to send out which ones. They're the hardest ones to write, cunt. I remember, it's a proper moment. I remember being in Melbourne, when I was in Christina, because I remember... Still talking about it? Yeah, yeah, because this is fun.

You remember? I was in a hotel full of comedians. Right. I remember walking out my hotel. Crying your eyes out. Hotel, I had not seen it. So I got up in the morning, opened my door, John Kearns in the room next to me.

He comes out, he goes, Have you seen? Shattered. You've seen this inside number nine. Hush, Toad. You've got to watch it. Later on that day, he sees me again. Have you seen it yet?

No, I haven't watched it, Kearns. Let me know when you're watching. Kept on checking on me. Had to watch it while I was there. No, it was studying over, you're looking at it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm feeling the emotions, Kearns. Don't worry. You wait, it's coming, it's coming, it's coming.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a twist. I want someone to do this. So watch it when it is, it's amazing. It's a twist. I'm going to watch it when you watch it. Yeah, yeah, he's got to watch this. Is your dream drink related to a night of the year, especially?

No, the dream drink again goes back to a childhood incident. When I was small, we used to have sent to the house. There was the pop van, and it was Alpine Pop. And I used to have, in an explicable situation, I can't believe my dad used to do to me, I used to be allowed a lid full of Alpine dandelion and burdock. He'd literally give me only, he'd pour out this big massive bottle of, presumably for him.

Yeah, yeah. And he'd pour a little in the lid, and I'd drink it like. Like it was medicine. Like it was medicine. And that was it for me until next Saturday. And then he'd presumably would drink the lot. No, we didn't get full glasses of it. So I want a full glass of Alpine dandelion and burdock.

I mean, the irony is, the size you are at the nest, you're only going to be able to manage a lid full. It's the same about, it's the same about, but you've shrugged yourself down. Even smaller. You know, we'll be even smaller. Yeah. It's not even a lid.

Acorn, it's like an acorn cup. You're lucky. Like Willy Wonka. Your dad's still standing over there, and that's drinking the whole, not getting the rest of the bottle. Yeah. There you go, you loser.

Let me have a minute of mistake there. But yeah, again, in the, I mean, I just coveted it because I was never allowed in a weird way. I mean, it's good in a way, I guess, because you shouldn't give children poppy. But it's even worse than not being allowed it, because you were allowed a tiny taste of it to see how good you could have had it.

Absolutely. And he's like, oh, that's great. That drink, please let me have more of it. No, that's your lot. Next Saturday. See you again. Never in a sorry for week to week. Now we can have a peanut butter jam and egg sandwich.

Yeah, you know what I mean? I was ready to like it then. So that was my drink. From the Pop Man, you said? From the Pop Man. Yeah, you used to be a van that you've survived with all the bottles. Like the ice cream man, you could eat it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hear them bottles. I know it's the alpine man. And you'd come and then leave. You're about to get your lid. Yeah. And I got my little thimble full of... Yeah.

Maybe again, it could be Jarvis. It might be that he did it once when I was... No, it wasn't that. I'm sure this is right. I will ask him, actually. But so yeah, I have a full glass of that, please. Why not? I don't even know if they do alpine anymore,

but nevertheless, do you like dandelion in birdop? Not massively, but if I was... Secure his taste. I understand from your situation. I don't dislike it. But why? Yes, yeah, yeah. But if I was in your situation,

whatever that drink was... You'd want it. I want it as my drink. Because I don't remember ever really having a full swig of it. The Pop Man is an exciting... That's an exciting idea. It's a good one, yeah, yeah. I don't think we've ever interviewed someone before

where all the details you've given about your life and your childhood, I've gone, of course he writes the stuff he writes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Catching bats and like... All the bottles taken from the corner. Yeah. I can just get a little...

Imagine a pop van driver character. Yeah, you'd have a pop van driver. We have to. We got orange, we got lemonade, we got... Yeah, so the dandelion in birdop was a particularly exotic flavour even then at that point. I was like, what's that? But it was sort of not quite Coca-Cola.

It was very sweet. Like panda cola, remember that? Yeah. Yeah. Panda pops. Panda pops, yeah. But anyway, yeah, that would be my choice because I wasn't allowed it at the time.

I mean, oh, cup of tea. It's the classic. Yeah, classic cup of tea. But I'm not going to change it. I'm going to say alpine dandelion and birdop. Yeah. Jane Rainer's dessert of choice was eclair because his dad wouldn't let him have.

Right. His dad would come back from the shops with loads of pastries, but he would have the eclair and no one else was allowed the eclair. No. And Jane Rainer wanted it. So that's why he chose that.

And it's funny you sent people on a certain road. Yeah. That's why you should allow the children to do what they want. Yeah. Yeah. So as you say, no, it's like I'm doing it, doing it harder now, whatever it is. Yeah.

You're still trying to catch bats now? Yes. You'd actually caught when we were kids. I wouldn't have had to be in the end of it. Yeah. It says unscratched itch to catch a bat. I wonder if there's, I mean, you must ask, I need to find out about how to do it properly.

There must be a way of catching. Catching a bat. That must be. Yeah. Maybe using its own sonar against hills. Yes. How would you do that? Well, I guess if you play sonar, you might...

With a mirror. Yeah. Yeah. Not a mirror. Just something. You feel it if you show it, if you show a bat itself. Yes. It stands out a bit.

Medusa. Yeah, they just drop to the ground like that. They don't know how ugly they are. Yeah. I'll text my mum. Yeah, well, how do you catch a bat? She undoubtedly knows. I'll text her now and we'll see if she gets back to me.

See if she gets back to you. How do you catch a bat? She wasn't catching them though, right? Yeah, she would never caught them. Yeah. Right. Okay. She would look after one.

Maybe there's a trap. They go in. Could they go into a little box and then the lid comes down? Got. Yeah, maybe. And then one half of the... That's what your mum would shout, isn't it? Got, got.

And then maybe one section of it is glass, so you can just look at them and see if they are crawling with lice. That's another question. Part B, are they crawling with lice? Yeah, PS, are they crawling with lice? They stayed with me that. Someone told me you don't want to touch one. Make sure the first one's sent before you send the second one.

Okay, so I've asked those for those. We'll see. We'll see. See if she gets back to me within the time. Ask this about... There are secret ingredients on the podcast, and then normally ingredients we deem to be unacceptable. Interesting.

Or the listeners deem to be unacceptable. Right. And if people choose them, they get kicked out of the restaurant. Oh, like... But it's only one per episode. It's only one per episode, so it's not anymore. But it's in the past, Dandelion and Burdock was, and it...

That wouldn't have been us, I don't think. I think that was the listeners. No, because I've not really had it that much. I've not had it enough to have an opinion, but like, a listener in the past would kick you out for that shit. Oh my goodness. Out the nest. I mean, we're actually...

I'm on the floor like one of those half gestated birds that you see. Pink. No feathers, dead. Hold on, are you naked in the nest? No, I'm just... I'm leaping to the idea of seeing a dead bird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want to be naked in the nest, do you?

No, no, I don't want to. You're not all pink on the floor. I need clothes on. Yeah, yeah. Now, I imagine, you know, mines that... Are you naked in the nest? Because we're going to have to re-record the whole thing. To really examine all this, what we've talked about so far.

It doesn't fit. I imagine that you don't care that a listener has said that's not acceptable, because like, I mean, as far as you're concerned, the audience, a scum, right? Yeah, absolutely, yeah. Of course they are. I mean, you know, they may be chuckling away at these things, but I do hate them. Yeah. Don't think that you've got any affinity if you agree with any of my choices,

or somehow you feel closer to me. We're not friends. Not friends. Yeah, we're not friends. I don't agree with anything you might say. If you like me, I hate you even more. Unless, of course, your actual friends are listening. Well, yeah, they're there, but they know who they are.

How many? One. Yeah. Actually, none. No friends. No friends. Not friends. No colleagues.

Colleagues' family. I have to have to sort of experience. That's the level of my interest. Great. I could have guessed that. Your dream restaurant, you obviously shrunk down to the size of a sparrow and put it in a nest by yourself. Yeah.

This is not a man with many friends. Yeah, I've had that. Has anyone... Rich Osmond? No. No, no, no, no. Rich Osmond didn't say that. No, you need some magic finger to shrink him down to the size of a sparrow.

He would go down to be just normal size, wouldn't he? That is him. He fits in a restaurant. Fits in a normal restaurant. He's a dream. Can I be normal size in the world? Dream dessert. Dream dessert.

Dream dessert. Again, evoking a time of year, my own pumpkin pie. Oh. A slice of. Yeah. Lovely. One slice. Yeah, actually give me the whole thing.

Yeah. Because I think it feels very light, isn't it, pumpkin pie? So I would have this, maybe with some single cream. Yeah. And I would have, yeah, I would give my own recipe, which is not fancy, but it's just, it's homemade pastry. Yeah. And then there's the pumpkin pie.

And again, it's because it reminds me of one of my happy times, times of the year, Halloween. My biggest, probably the biggest of all the holidays for me, bigger than Christmas. And I love Christmas, but Halloween is huge. Weirdly curtailed this year because I was filming, so it passed me by annoyingly. So I've got one under my belt after sort of experiencing it twice as hard next year. But yes, I would say pumpkin pie as a treat.

Do you like Halloween? Do you know what? It might, so I grew up in a Christian household. Oh, right. Okay. So it wasn't really, it wasn't. Did they think it was like devilish? They didn't think it was devilish.

They mainly, I mean, maybe they did. I had to let them speak for themselves, the old parents. But like, they didn't want us going out trick-or-treating because they thought we'd scare old ladies. Right. They thought it was not nice. Don't go out and do it. But on the other hand, your mum caught bats.

But she caught bats all the time and we ate them. That's pretty Halloween-y to have bats in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was Halloween all the year round. I remember having a fancy dress party that I think was a Halloween party at my house. And so I do remember that at one point. But yeah, in general, didn't go in for it, didn't happen much. And, you know, now, as an adult, when I see families that have kids and they go in for it,

I think, oh, that would have been so fun. Like, objectively fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And when I've had pumpkin pie, which I've had mainly at my friends when they've done Thanksgiving. Right, yes, of course, yeah. Delicious. And obviously, as a kid, I would have gone crazy for that. Yes.

I love Halloween. Good. And my wife loves Halloween as well and decorates her household. Yeah, yeah. She likes spooky stuff, not scary stuff. Right. So there's a lot of, like, quite cute pumpkins and stuff, which I prefer to have, like, all guts hung up and stuff.

You would have full on sore. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's what I'd want. Well, I've increasingly got, I mean, for someone that purports like horror, I am more and more squeamish in my old age, I think. And I go more for the spooky and more ghosty psychological than, you know, sore and guts and gone. Fright Fest is a big, a big horror festival.

And it seems to be all about cheering the heads coming off your arms. And it's like, it's a bit first route for me now. Yeah. First time in my life, the other day, I turned off a film because it was too much. Really? Yeah. Did you? What was it?

Can you name? Terrifier. Oh, yes. The first terrifier. You see the second one? No. I could get to... Oh, my God.

I couldn't get through the first... You get to that bit? Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, no, I can't. It's not mine there. You won't like that. That made Benito win.

Yeah. Benito saw the mime and absolutely just starting to cry. Because I was loving it, because it was really making me laugh as well. Yeah, yeah. Because the scene in the diner is really funny. And they cut back to him every time he's doing a different face. I loved all that. But quite creepy as well.

Quite creepy. But then when it gets to just like horrible, quite like, disgusting violence towards women, just did it like in a deliberately provocative way. I was like, oh, that's making me feel ill. He's out. Yeah. He was out. That's an easy nail on his own.

Great gamble. It was... Yeah. It is horrible. Yeah. And the second one is even worse. Yeah. It's sort of like they've gone right then.

Yeah. Wrung their hands together and thought, we can... We've got to top it. Yeah. And they sort of do in a really grisly... It's done very well though, hasn't it? It's done very well because it's like 80s. It's like they film it as if it's a video nasty type of feel to it.

And that is very authentic. Yeah, yeah. So it's not just that they're just making a film. It's sort of a film and it's an era of that type of filmmaking. So it's... There's more thought... If it was just that film from that time, it would be even worse. But because it's sort of like it knows what it's doing.

Yeah. Maybe that's worse. Yeah. I don't like horror films. Do you? But yeah, maybe. It's interesting that we're talking about horror. But there's anything ever...

What has been the horror film that's actually scared you or made you feel unsettled in the middle of the night, that same night thinking about it again? Because to me, nothing ever really does. Even that is horrible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's not like, oh my god, I actually feel a bit scared in my bed. So nothing ever really achieves that to me.

Not now as an adult. But I was like teenager. Any horror film would stick with me for too long. The first time I saw Scream 2. Right. Two weeks, I was shitting myself. Right. Well, Scream I think is a very scary movie actually.

You know, ironically enough. Because the pastiches were called scary movies. But it's horrible, the first one. Very violent. Well, it's the thought of like, a killer not really needing any motive really. And just going around and knifeing up everybody. And I was like, oh my god, that could be me at any point.

Yeah. If you had anything like that when writing, you know, anything that you've done in the past. And gone... That's too horrible or something weird. No, not really. I mean, I think our things are dark. But I feel like there's always a level of responsibility

about it. I think they're sometimes powerful because we are judicious with swearing. So it's very impactful when we use it. We've always had that sort of ethos to try to not just go from 0 to 100 and earn it. And maybe that's, you know, it's a more insidious way of affecting people

because we're careful with how we use it. If it's going to be a gross out bit or something. But yeah, sometimes you can just tell that people are sort of going for the full effect. And they haven't earned it. So I don't think we've ever written anything we thought that's too horrible. We can't do that.

Well, judicious swearing is just... You do build them so well. I just think it's a fucking pleasure. The Roy Shelby Brown bit is just perfect. Yeah, especially coming from him, of course. Yeah. You could seize holding it in throughout that whole thing. Yeah, it was the one time when we wanted him to do it.

And he was like, oh, you want me to swear? Yeah. So yeah, it's all in the writing and in sort of keeping things back. Then it's like horror, good horror. I guess you're not seeing everything like Terrifier. So horrible. Probably would have been just as horrible if not more

to have seen him doing what he was doing, but not see it. Yeah. And you might have got through it then. Yeah, maybe. Well, it was the noise. It was the noise. Yes. Funny games, that film.

Funny games, horrible. That doesn't show pretty much anything. So like for all of it, all the horrible stuff is happening off camera. And that stopped me for a long time because you just imagine. You just go away. Imagine it. Home invasion stuff keeps me awake at night.

That's really horrible because that's near to what could happen. And in it, often the acting and the situation is like what it would be like. The purges are horrible. Oh, I was just going to say that. Isn't it? Just think, oh, God, that'd be awful. Yeah, imagine that.

And it's not, it's very close to, it's not the gothic. It's not like a castle where it's not scary because it's once removed, this is like in your house. And it's like very believable. That's why I think often the scariest things are like a robber coming in because that's what used to keep me awake at night, thinking there was a creek on the stairwell. Someone's in terrified trying to creep around

to my mum and dad to wake them up in the night. That was always the most scary thing. I used to have a recurring nightmare, just remember it now, of my mum and dad that were replaced. This was literally, I used to dream about it a lot. And when it started out, it was the most frightened it had ever been because it was like, oh, it's going to be that one again. And I would go to bed and then my mum and dad would dance,

would take their mum and dad faces off and there'd be witches. And they were dancing around downstairs and they weren't my mum and dad, they were replaced. And that used to happen a lot. And it was, I would wake up and be slightly frightened of my mum. Thinking it's not you. Take your mask off. What's that about?

I think, I feel now like what you were saying about, you shouldn't have said it out loud. Oh, no, no. I loved old old books as a kid. Right. The witches. And my mum started reading the witches to me. Whilst holding a bat over you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bats flying all over you. All right, I glad you got you. The witches opens with how to spot a witch. Right, yes. That's like the opening of the book. Awful thing about they've only got one toe. Yeah, all this.

Yeah. They wear gloves because it's square on the rest of the year. Yes, that's right. It's all this stuff. And she was reading it all, all the checklist. And not all of them added up, but some of them are like, this is you. And she got to the end.

Why did you play inside? She got to the end of it. And I just in a quivering voice went, Mummy, are you a witch? She went, like, we're not reading this book. You're shit scared. Immediately. Well, that's the worst thing to say.

Just say no straight away, rather than we're not reading this. He's on to me. Yeah, yeah. That's all that's out of the world. Hey, do we have to eat him? And then she put you into the cage because she wore a mouse. Yeah, put me into a mouse.

Put me in an S with you. Come and have a meal with me. Yeah. Yes. Well, it's funny, isn't it? The childhood things and the more mundane things are the things that get you more than all full on horror. Yeah.

Definitely. But this pumpkin pie is delicious. Yes, however delicious. Because you are a fantastic baker as well. Well, yes. And I guess, as I said earlier, having done the Bake Off, where I did one of my choices was a tray bake,

pumpkin tray bake. So it's in that world. But I don't know whether I'm a fantastic baker. I just knew I would get by some way by being quite artistic. Because I'm quite good at art. I used to do, I don't really do it as much as I used to, but I thought I bet I can, if it's biscuits I can do, I'd probably be able to do something that looks quite good with the icing.

So I thought I'd have, it wouldn't be completely useless. I wouldn't be going that route. And as it turned out, they said it tasted nice as well. I was surprised. I got the handshake. Oh, you got the handshake. The handshake won the episode. It's my tray bake.

Amazing. Well, you know, we can't all do well, James. However, it was absolutely the most stressful thing I've ever done. Yes. I found it exhausting. And I was fucked by the end of it. We've got the full spectrum here. One did fine.

Absolute disaster. Yeah. Well, there you go. Well, I never'd really appear as me in things. And that was relentlessly, it was only two days of it, but it was exhausting to be on the entire time. Five cameras on you, waiting for you to fail, trying to be thinking of funny things all the time.

And do it, do the cooking. Define and want to fucking crack an egg normally whilst being watched. And that's what you're doing. Yeah. So it was, yes, it looks like I was just doing it. And you, but you're real, you're on Bake Off. And it's, it's really stressful.

Yeah. Yeah. I learned that everyone else is just a lot better at going on Bake Off and acting on the outside like they're all right. Yeah. I didn't, I don't have that. I was just like, no, this is how I'm really feeling. And it's all going to be on the outside.

And you don't have to wait around for me to fuck up because it's happening constantly. So just put the cameras at me. And here we go. I had a lovely time. Good. I was very excited to do it. I thought I'm going to have a great time.

Just found it fun to do. Yeah. I'm going to cook really well. It's going to be great. First thing I did, put icing sugar in instead of flour. First thing I did. No. Yeah.

I know. I mean, you suddenly realize you're doing things that, are they like the things you watch people do on Bake Off? Yeah. Oh my God. It's not all sticking together. What am I going to do? Put it in the fridge.

Oh, I've dropped it all. Things like that. You just be our fingers and thumbs completely. But that's what they're relying on, isn't it? Obviously. They want people to do horrible things. They want you to do bad things. Yeah.

Full spectrum. Fail. Win. I'm nodding toward James at fail. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. To yourself.

To all of you. People know who you're nodding towards. I know they know. They know who you're nodding towards. They know what direction that nod's going. When everyone says fail on this podcast. There's a nod. Very definitely.

There's a nod at this guy this way. This direction. On a legion meant you're back to your now. See how you feel about that. OK. Let's see. Yes. Because I feel like I've been a bit vague.

But I haven't, have I? Oh, no. I think you've been pretty specific. Vague at all. OK, good. First thing you asked was to be shrunk down and put in a nest. Correct. Yes.

Could have been more specific. Sparkling water. Yeah. We would like, for popping on the bread, you've chosen a fried egg, peanut butter and jam sandwich. I did, didn't I? Starter, Heinz, Oxtail Soup, main course, Christmas dinner, side dish,

Haggis, Neeps and Tatties, burns night, drink, a full glass of alpine dandelion and burdock from The Pop Fan. Dessert, your own homemade pumpkin pie with single cream. Nasty, but yes. I mean, it's pretty great. Yeah. Is it?

Yeah, I think they've all got nice memories attached to them. They've all got reasons why they're there. There's different times of year associated with different courses. But it all feels wintery and nasty. Yes, it does, doesn't it? Yes. It's all very autumnal.

And that is my favourite time of the year, when the night's drawing. And we get into the run from Halloween to bonfire night, Christmas is all my favourite bits. So yes, it's in keeping with that, I think, and the wintery skies. How quickly do you want to be magic finger back into normal sized rice?

Yes, good question. I mean, I guess it's how quickly that, if that wine retters around talking to me all the time. If he's left me alone, I'll be happy just to be up there for a little bit, listening to the pitter-patter. I won't want to waste it. I mean, it's not going to happen very often,

is it, this shrinking down. So I guess I'll let it all settle and feel contented and then have to go back to my normal life. So give me like 45 minutes, half an hour, four times. Perfect. Thank you very much for coming to the Dream Nest, Rhys. Thank you very much for having me, shrinking me down. Thank you very much to Rhys for coming in.

We have made him a whole big size again and sent him on his way. Yeah, he's a magic fingered him back to normal size. We magic fingered him back to normal size, very luckily as well, that he didn't say special stuff. Yeah, I mean, who knows, he could have done. There was a lot of imagination going on there. There was, but I would have had to kick him out of the restaurant

when he was still small. Yeah, that would have been bad. Because there wouldn't have been time to magic finger him. No, we would have had to just kick him out. Yeah. He would have tumbled down the drain, maybe. Yeah. And been washed away.

And then, you know, he couldn't have performed in The Unfriend because he would have been too tiny. There would have been people sat in the front row having to use those little opera glasses from the back of the seat. And who's got a 20p these days? Yeah, no, when I went to see a play with my parents and I kept offering 20p to my mum to use the binoculars.

So I was like, you need those now, you're old. She didn't like that. Keep going, 20p, I'll pay for it, my treat, you can use them. You're a lovely son. Go and see The Unfriend. Theunfriend.com is where you need to go to get tickets. It's on at The Criterion and it is on now. Strictly limited season, get your ticket.

It's a hot ticket. It's a hot ticket. So wear them oven gloves when you go to the ticket booth. Yeah, you need oven gloves, but then if you do need the opera glasses, they're going to be even trickier to get out. Yeah, it's really hard, actually. So, you know, but that's why they only want the best

coming to see it. Yeah, so go see it. Thank you very much for listening. We will see you again sometime soon. Goodbye. Goodbye. Hello, it's me, Amy Gladhill. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu,

where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case... Get him on, James and Ed, but we're here sneaking into your podcast experience

to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the new stories that we've missed out from the North because, look, we're two Northerners, sure, but we've been living in London for a long time. The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off.

And that's a new podcast called Northern News. We'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glittle's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it?

Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.