Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 182: Joe Cornish

Episode Date: March 8, 2023

Joe Cornish – film writer and director, ‘Lockwood & Co.’ head honcho and the 'Joe' half of Adam & Joe – has a table booked this week.Joe’s series ‘Lockwood & Co.’ is out now, only on Netflix. Watch it here. Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, taking the sashimi of conversation, dipping it into the soy sauce of great humour, and then popping it in your mouth. And that's the podcast and it's sushi because I had sushi last night. Well, that sounds genuinely delicious. That is Ed Gamble there. My name is James Acaster. We own a dream restaurant. We invite a guest in every week and we ask them their favourite ever. Start a main course, dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week, our guest is Joe Cornish.

Joe Cornish is Joe Cornish. Finally completing the Adam Buxton and Joe Cornish double hit. Yeah, you know, space it out. You've got to space it out. You've got to space it out. Joe Cornish, of course, wonderful director, writer, also known for his work with Adam Buxton back in the day. He's got so much on the old CV as Joe Cornish. I'm very excited to speak to him. Very excited. Joe what? I'm going to say before he gets it. Joe what? Joe what? Lovely voice. Very nice voice. Something about his voice. Yeah. And Adam and Lemifuru, they all went to school together, right? They've all got something about their voices. It's lovely. Yeah, really nice, really nice. So I'm hoping that he brings his nice voice with

him today. They bring the nice voice and also he's bought the nice TV show with him. He's brought the nice TV show. He's got a new TV show called Lockwood and Co, which is out now on Netflix and it sounds so exciting, James. In a world plagued by ghosts where giant corporations employ psychic teens to battle the supernatural, only one company operates without adult supervision and its name is Lockwood and Co run by Anthony Lockwood, a rebellious young entrepreneur haunted by his mysterious past. His brilliant but eccentric sidekick George and newly arrived supremely gifted girl called Lucy. This renegade trio are about to unravel a terrifying mystery that will change the course of history. I hope that's what it's about. Ed, you know so much about

it. You know so much about Lockwood and Co. I don't know that. That is what I hope it is. Yeah, that is very exciting. Ruin for me because I auditioned for it. So you're not a kid, man. I've told you before, stop auditioning to play a kid. But one day it might happen. It will not happen. Especially not one day. You're getting older. If anything, time's working against you. Stop auditioning to play kids. Start auditioning for adult roles and then maybe you'll get something. One day, I will play a kid. You will not play a kid, man. Ed auditioned for a Rugrats movie. Yeah. You just wanted to play Tommy Pickles. I'd be a great Tommy Pickles. Listen, man, we've been through this. We've got to combine forces.

Tommy Pickles and you're Chucky. Well, I could be Chucky, obviously. Yeah, I could be Chucky. Yeah. Yeah, he's got to speak with a blocked up nose all the time. What a character. What a character. Benito could be Angelica. Yeah, Benito is very much like Angelica. He comes and bullies us all scared of him every single week. Well, maybe we'll pitch this to Joe Cord. It's something that we're going to do in Rugrats movie, weren't they? Yeah. Has that been gone? I'm not going to bring up the audition, probably. You might not bring it up. Nah. I might. I might bring up that I went to a film screening and then he kicked over my popcorn when he walked past me. Definitely

that's food related. Yeah. That's food related. Then we can ask him about what popcorn he likes. Me and Nish went to see a film screening. Nishkumar. Nishkumar. And Joe Cornish was sat really near us and then he got up to go to the toilet, he kicked Nish's popcorn over and he came back from the toilet, he kicked my popcorn over and then Nish kept shouting, attack the pop for the rest of the night. Attack the pop. Oh, God. I mean, that is funny. Yeah. I'm going to ask him what kind of popcorn he likes. I think he's going to say salted. I don't think he likes popcorn clearly. He actively hates it. Jealous that you guys had. Yeah. Attack the pop. Also, if he brings up like that he likes cheese, I'm going to say attack the block of cheese. What else comes in

blocks? Yeah. Yeah. We've got to think of other stuff because we definitely want to say attack the block. If he says crock on bouche, go attack the crock. Attack the crock. That's good. So we can say that for that. Yeah. So just any opportunity to say that. Yeah. And then if we do say it, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to give you a heads up right now. Normally I don't give it a heads up. If I get one of these in, say attack the thing. I will say attack the crock on bouche and then I'll go, championi, championi, ole, ole, ole, ole. Why are you giving me a heads up? I'm going to carry on. It's baffling anyway and it's exactly the sort of thing you would do. Yeah. Well, you know that's what's going to happen. Well, don't forget to watch

attack the lock would. Oh, yes. Championi, championi, ole, ole, ole, ole. But unfortunately, if Joe says a secret ingredient that we've pre-established, he will be kicked out of the restaurant. And today's secret ingredient is Cornish pasty. We've not reached too far for that one, but it was either that or a cup of Joe. Yeah. We're not super human here, guys. We're just people like you. We just try our best with the secret ingredient. It's just a format point. We've really backed ourselves into a corner. Especially, I'm thinking of a particular Cornish pasty that I used to get Cornish pasties when I was like living in Ketwin and I'd come back from London from gigs. I get it at St. Pancras and they were not enough meat and too much pastry.

Are you talking about the West Cornwall pasty company? Yeah, with the pirate. Yeah. See, I like those. They've got a big, the big thick handle around the outside. I love that. Too thick. I love the steak and stilton one. Yeah. Well, that was my go-to. But I would find that it was too hot on the inside, too cold on the outside. The handle was too big. You prefer it to be hot on the outside and cold in the middle, would you? Oh, no. Funnily enough, I'd like it hot on the outside, hot in the middle as well. I'd like it to be nice. You're crazy. I don't think the deal is one of the elements has to be cold. Well, hopefully he doesn't pick that anywhere because I'm very excited to speak to him.

This is the off-menu-menu of Joe Cornish. Welcome, Joe, to the Dream Restaurant. Well, thank you for having me. I'm very excited to be here. Welcome, Joe Cornish, to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. Holy shit box. It's the genie. Holy shit box. Now, before we started recording, you asked us if you were allowed to swear and you were straight in there with holy shit box. I like to make myself feel comfortable. It's like arranging scatter cushions on a sofa. A couple of shits at the beginning to get really comfy. Now, that's given me a horrible image of how you arrange your sofa. A couple of shits at the beginning.

Yeah, no, that is not my sofa. It's very clean and quite expensive. It's been ruined by the cat. How big is your sofa and how many scatter cushions are on it? There is, well, it's a three-person sofa with big bottoms. Three big bottomed people. Opposite it is a two-bottomed. Is that how you measure a sofa in buttocks? It's a six-buttock and a four-buttock, but mega-buttocks. And I've answered your question. Well, how many scatter cushions are on there? There's no scatter cushions on it. Do you think they're a waste of time scatter cushions? Scatter logical cushions. Yeah, no, I like it.

It's it we all to get to bring that around. I'm glad we got there, though. Well, would I ever put scatter cushions on? Yeah. Well, I think they're silly scatter cushions. You don't actually scatter them. It's not like you're a farmer on a sofa farm scattering the cushions at the beginning of the season. So you'll grow a whole branch of, name a sofa shop. DFS. You'll grow a whole branch of DFS. So you have a fallow sofa. In time for the harvest. I do. Well, there might be some coinage growing in the furrows.

Do you have a hairy cat? What, like a long-haired cat? Yeah, how hairy is your cat? No, it's a short hair. All right, OK. He's a British short hair. His name is Smudge, which is like calling a boy Colin. Yeah. Isn't it? Smudge for a cat. It's nice, though. When I was a kid, I did a comic strip on Her Majesty's Secret Service with a friend of mine when we saw it on Telly. And we gave James Bond a cat.

And the cat was called Smudge. So I've always wanted to name a cat Smudge. And now I've finally done it. Did you pitch that to the family when you got this cat? Oh, there was no question that I would be naming the cat. Yeah, my daughter's three, so has no agency. And my wife knows better than to try and name the cat. It's my one area of authority in the house. You're a writer, right? You can come up with a cat name.

Smudge. Bang. 10 out of 10. But then, you know, you're right in loads of scripts and stuff. You get to name characters all the time. You don't want to give it to someone else for one fucking goddamn second. The naming? One shit box in a second? Would you like to rename my cat, James? No, no. You could give him some middle names like a pedigree cat. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that'd be nice.

Smudge. Ed Gamble. I'm just looking at Ed. Wow. One of the most inventive comics of his generation, apparently. Smudge. Ed Gamble Cornish. That is good. Ben. That's one of those middle names you'd never tell anybody. Yeah, Ed Gamble. And you'd be embarrassed when you admitted it. His middle name is Ed Gamble.

That's quite good. Is that official now? That is official, yeah. Wow, that's exciting. But you'll never mention it again to anyone. Well, I think we're on quite a popular podcast. So the damage is done. Bad luck. Smudge. Ed Gamble Cornish.

Good initials, though. S, E, G, C. C kind of. Tick me what? Maybe you've got the first letter of your own surname. What's my name? Of all the scripts you've written, what's your favourite character name that you've come up with for someone?

Well, it was fun naming the characters in Attack the Block. And I'm working on the script for the sequel. And I'm having fun finding those names, like Pest, I like. Yeah, that's the answer to your question. That's exciting that there's going to be another Attack the Block thing. Yeah, hopefully. Boy, are you coming back for it? He is, yeah. We're writing it together.

What? Yes, both holding the pen. It's taken a while, right? It's taken a while, right? Is the writing very scrawly? He's fighting you and you're trying to call another character Smudge. I should put a Smudge in there. That would be a good name for him.

That would be really good. Smudge. Why would you name a human Smudge? You know what? I'd want Smudge to be a really evil character, because it's such a cute name. Right. Yes.

Counterintuitive. Maybe Smudge holds a pen in a weird way and just smudges the ink as he or she writes. That's all I can think of. But, hey, Lockwood and Coe's coming out. That's exciting. Yes, plug time. Yeah, hey, stick that plug in the socket.

We really try and bring it in naturally and organically, this sort of thing. No, yeah, this is a show for Netflix. But might this podcast go out after that show goes out? So, yeah, it's available now. Well, then it's available now. It's a Supernatural Action Adventure series in eight parts. First and the last ones directed by me.

Flick me the V, then. You did Flick. Yeah, you did. I did. Two episodes and Flick James the V. And then I've sort of, I think I'm called a showrunner, even though I don't like that term. Right.

Why not? Why don't you like that term? It sounds tiring, running, and show, I don't know, sounds a bit razzle-dazzle. And it just sounds like Greg Wallace might visit me and ask me how I do it. Do you know what I mean? You're telling me?

Yeah. Oh, Joe, this is amazing. And you get that many shows out in this much time. I never realised it when I opened my packet of shows that this much work went into them. You're telling me you've filmed four minutes a day? Yeah. Wearing a hairnet for no reason.

Yeah. Absolutely waste of time. Every time he's got a hairnet on. Like writer-director sounds quite sort of sophisticated, doesn't it? Showrunner, I don't know. This is exciting series, though. Yeah.

This is, I mean... How do you know? Because we've got the press release, right? We've read the press release and we're like, this sounds cool. No, it is good. It's quite exciting and spectacular. And it's got ghosts and fighting ghosts.

It's a clever idea. Like, the idea is that ghosts can kill you by touching you. One little touch of a ghost. And you're dead. Oh, no. But, yeah, oh, no, right? Yeah. But, you know, usually in movies,

ghosts can't do that much to you, can they? They can possess your daughter. Yeah. They can throw things at you. They can make very sudden, loud noises that risk a heart attack. Pottery. They can do pottery. They can do pottery.

That's true. I was watching that yesterday, weirdly. If they touch the pot, the pot goes. Connected to something else. That would be awful if that mythology happened to ghost. Can they do pottery? Well, it could help you. They can sit close to you while you do pottery.

But she'd be dead immediately if it was a lot would well. If it was optical. Yeah, that would be a very hope. She would slam face forward into the pot. And then her corpse would spin round. Yeah. Until it had been staked away. Until it hit a table there.

Yeah. Is she then a ghost and she spins round and gets flung off somewhere and touches someone else and then they're dead? Yeah. Well, that could be a massacre in the streets. Oh, dear. Are you a big foodie? Well, you know, I'm not.

I'm really, I'm really infantile. Yeah. I'm one of these people that's hanging on to peculiar decisions they made based on nothing when they were 12. So this isn't going to be your, you know, oat cuisine episode of Off Menu. That's interesting. I'm very excited to hear this.

Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I am wasted in a posh restaurant. Yeah. Like, yeah, in both senses of the word, of the phrase. Like you're sort of wasting your money if you take me to a, take me to a medium restaurant or to Brixton Village. You know, somewhere like that and I'm in.

But posh restaurant. Posh restaurant. But surely that must have happened a lot in the past. Or frustrated. Netflix, did they take you out to wine you and dine you in the posh restaurant? Have they? Yeah. Yeah, I do go to, yeah, quite a lot of sort of business type,

meeting type dinners. But, uh, and yeah, I do get quite techy, not techy. What's the word? Like, you know, impatient. I just want the food slapped down. I mean, there's been, I've been served courses that are just like, I don't want to eat any of that cube of peculiar substances. Here's the thing.

I like to know what I'm eating. So I like to see it. I don't like sauces because they feel like a smokescreen. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't see the sauce as part of the dish? No, I don't. I think it's like, well, if you're going to cook something, cook it nicely.

Don't smother it in a sauce to try and, you know, putting a sauce on something's like wearing a Halloween costume on a daily basis or something. Do you know what I mean? No. It's like a mask to hide. Not a daily basis. But this, but do you, the sauce is surely part of the cooking. You're suggesting that they've cooked something and then grab some sauce

from the fridge or something and then just cover this. Yes, you're right. Just taste the sauce. It combines with the flavor. Well, here's the other weird thing. I don't drink tea or coffee. Right. And I've only just in my twilight years, which I'm now in.

Are you in the twilight years now? I think so. Started drinking hot, like hot drinks like I've got a lemon and ginger here. So basically hot sauce, I just don't like hot fluids. Right. Okay. Okay. You must have had people like this on before with peculiar infantile habits.

We've heard that pull rod does not like sauces. I've eaten a meal with pull rod. That must have been the driest meal in existence. Yeah. But everyone was like, those two guys, what the? I got a piece of lettuce on my epiglottis, is what I remember about that meal. It was with Edgar in LA. Yeah.

And we were in quite a posh restaurant. This is when we were just, yeah, when Edgar was casting Ant-Man before we left Ant-Man. Edgar chose pull for Ant-Man. And yeah, so we sat down and had a meal with him and I started sort of convulsing and being unable to talk and coughing violently. And it was a, it was a little piece of, tiny little piece of lettuce, almost like a little, a little rip of Rizzler that was basically attached to my epiglottis. Very difficult to get off because you can't get a finger and thumb in there and peel it off.

The only way to do it. You risk tranging your epiglottis. Pull rod shrink down to the size of Ant-Man and go in there and get it right. Very good. Yeah. Thank you. That's the only way. Me and James have both been thinking about that.

Ever since. You can tell. You can tell. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You're absolutely right. As soon as I had said the only way to do it, I went far enough. Well, I should have, I should have said him, look, if you, if you, if you want this part,

get the lettuce off my epiglottis. The audition of all auditions. Yeah. Wow. But I don't think he would have got the part. No, if he could do it in real life. If he'd shrunk down and got the lettuce off your epiglottis, you wouldn't have given him the part. Because imagine the VFX money you would have saved.

Yeah. Yeah. If he could really shrink a thing. Jump in your mouth, got the lettuce, then came out your nose. And then sat down and carried on talking to Edgar. That would have been a meal to remember. Well, we always start the dream menu with still a spark in water. Yeah.

Well, this has become a very controversial binary decision on your podcast, hasn't it? It's a bit like some sort of factional political divide that might skism the country. And I get, I get the feeling having listened to your podcast that, you know, still water is the thing to, that's the sort of popular choice. We get a lot of sparklers in. There's a lot of those sparklers not here. I feel like it's 50-50. Also, I know.

I don't. Well, here's the thing. I think it depends on your budget. Like, I'm not going to buy still water. Like that seemed very decadent to me. Yeah, that really, I completely agree. Tap, go for tap water. If I'm really splashing out and having an exciting meal,

then I'm going to have some fizz in my water. Right. Because I'm not paying for water, you know. Yeah. So it depends on the time of day, the budget. But I'm in the dream restaurant, right? So money's no object. Object, object.

I'm going to go for sparkles. You're going to go for the sparkles. I certainly am, yeah. I, just because of what we've been talking about so far, I would imagine that if you had sparks in water, you would splutter and just like, it would be a disaster. Because of my sensitive epiglossia. Yeah, you'd be all over the place.

Talking like Donald Duck. No, no, I'm pretty good. I can handle my sparkling water. Yeah? Yeah. I'm pretty good on sparkling water. I mean, it's an exciting drink. Don't get me wrong.

If anything, it might help if you've got something stuck in your epiglottis. It might, oh, it absolutely, it might bubble the leaf off. Yeah. Yeah. Like some sort of Alka-Seltzer function. Yeah, but I do feel like a bit of a dilettante, even though I'm not sure what that word means.

I feel like a bit of one for choosing sparkling water. This is the dream restaurant. It is. So I don't get judged for my dilettantism. Yeah, yeah. No one could judge you in the dream restaurant. Do you want to put it in a glass? Do you want us to put it in like a tankard or something

so people can't see through it? So you can probably pretend like you're drinking tap water. What? So you don't feel like a dilettante? No, no, I want to go the whole hog. I want a big, expensive bottle and a champagne flute. Yeah. Oh, nice.

I want to, yeah. And I'll hold it with my little finger. Extended, Allah, Tony Hadley, and I'll sip it and sip it and burp and like nobody's business. You say cheers? Every time you take a sip. Yes, I will. I'll say bon santé.

Yeah, you say bon santé. Bon santé, I think is French for good health. So who would be saying that to in your... Who else is in my dream restaurant? Is anyone there with you? Who's in my dream restaurant? Just people who laugh at my jokes and like a lot of times when I have dinner with people, I don't know,

I find that they like, they talk a lot about themselves. Maybe I'm just a really good listener, but I'm trying to think how I could get a group of people who'd be fascinated by me. Maybe I'd recruit them on the internet. You'd want some sort of lackeys or toadies? Yeah, on Instagram maybe some toadies, some toadies. Yeah, some thawning toadies.

Yeah, I don't know how to do that. I'd hold some sort of toadie competition and see who could write the toadiest note. Yeah, toadie from Neighbours turns up. Toadie's got it all. Toadfish. Toadfish, yeah. Toadfish. Oh, that would be a great dinner. Do you want Jared Rebaki to come to your meal?

Who's that? That's Toadfish, the character. Wow, that's good. Wow, well done. Are you like a deep Neighbours fan? No, not anymore, but I do. That was my era, was Toadfish slash Jared Rebaki. Oh, so I'd say Toadie slash Toadfish is very much like the rock was in wrestling,

where even if you don't really like the show or watch it very much, you know that character and you think that character's awesome. You can be a fan of Toadfish and not a fan of Neighbours. Yeah, that's true. Same with Harold Bishop. Yes. I tell you what I'd have. I'd have all my friends, Louis, Edgar, Adam. Yeah.

Some friends who aren't like well known as well. Let's find a name of one of the ones who isn't well known as well. Tom. Tom. Tom would be there. Tom Sone. David would be there. Town End.

He's the cinematographer. Tom Sone. He shot Attack the Block and Dave shot Lockwood and Co. He's still a colleague. Yeah, he's a colleague. Any friends who aren't colleagues? Any friends who aren't colleagues? David.

I mean, most of my friends are in the biz. Yeah. How do you know David? Well, David runs the Film 4 channel. David Cox. But I did know him before I knew him long before I made films. We've got to find a friend who doesn't work in the industry. All right, this is tough.

We've got to find someone. I think they all work in the industry. No, surely not. Yeah, I really think they do. Surely you've got a one friend who doesn't work in the film. I've been doing this for a long time. Yeah. Smudge.

I knew we were going to get to Smudge being at the meal. He's a good conversationalist. He just, he doesn't say much, but he looks at you and blinks. That means he loves you. That's the silent meow. Anyway, the point of having all those people is the one difference would be, they'd be fascinated by me. And really want to hear what I had to say

about myself and my career, instead of just constantly talking about themselves and their own achievements. I think that's your fault for only having friends within the industry. Yeah, yeah. If you had a friend who didn't work in the industry, they probably would be interested.

They'd be so impressed. Man, I'm trying to think. This is terrible. I probably do. I'm just panicking. I really hate your neighbors don't listen to this podcast. Okay. Well, am I friend?

Hello, industry bubbly. I'm not like tight, close friends with my neighbors. Are you? No, I'm not. They're not super close buddies. I like them, but I've only lived there for a few months to be fair to me. Maybe I should scroll through the contacts in my phone

and see, so that's my producer. Will Jocorn find out the contact in his phone? These are the people who've called me in the last couple of days. My producer, Naira, is a massive fan of this podcast. Hello, Naira. My wife, Adam Buxton. My builder, Cloddy.

Now, is Cloddy a friend? Do you want Cloddy to come? Yeah, he's a friend. Do I want Cloddy to come? Yeah, he could come. Yeah, let's get Cloddy. What's Cloddy like? He's a good guy.

Yeah, yeah. He's very good. I mean, he does big jobs, but he does little jobs too. I like that in a person. That's all you needed to hear, because I like him. Cloddy's great. I've found two more friends, Joel.

He, I've accidentally called Edgar. He's going to call Batman. He loves to be on the podcast. Yeah, he loves his podcast. He does love the podcast. Leo, she works in the industry. Joel produces Black Mirror. Right.

And that's it. So, yeah. The closest you've got was Cloddy. William, he's a plumber. I called when my boiler broke the other day. Okay. So, Cloddy and William can come. He's a producer.

Lucy Pardy, she's a researcher. It's an unknown caller. Maybe I'll have to track them down and invite them, whoever it was. You don't know me, but you called me accidentally at 4.32, two weeks ago. Would you like to come to have a meal with me in a dream restaurant? It's going to be me and Cloddy and Smudge. Yeah, listen, I'm going months back and all I can find is my hairdresser. Yeah. Jesus.

Well, thank you very much for doing the research there and seeing if you could find anyone. Pop it up to our bread. Pop it up to our bread, Joe Cornish. Pop it up to our bread. Well, a bread. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I had these friends who started a restaurant and they had a brand new type of bread in their restaurant. A brand new bread. And they grew a yeast. Wow. And they grew it. Have you ever come across this kind of shit? They did it in a yoghurt pot, in a cupboard.

Yeah. And I think they were so heavily into breeding bread, they were bread breeders. I'm not sure that's the right term. Yeah, like it is. Because that's what yeast does, isn't it? One bit of yeast passes with another little bit of yeast. A lot of yeast in the yoghurt pot.

And they create a new sort of yeast. They're just cultures, aren't they? Yeah. And in a Petri dish. It's sort of disgusting when you think about it. It's disgusting when you think about it. It's disgusting when you look at it under a microscope. It's delicious when you eat it.

Oh, yeah, when you eat it. But you didn't eat it straight out of the yoghurt pot, did you? No. But they so wanted to become restaurateurs, that even when they were at university, they were breeding yeast. And they invented this sort of yeast. And it became the signature bread of their restaurant,

which was called Morro in Exmouth Market. A lot of it. And the bread there was one of the signature things when you went there and it was delicious. But when I ate it, I always used to think of a grotty little cupboard in a student house in Bristol. And an old noodle pot. Can you think of anything else that is disgusting

when you think about it? Disgusting when you look at it under a microscope. Delicious when you eat it. Yeah, or meat. Yeah, meat. Surely meat. Or uncooked meat. Yeah.

I mean, most food, really, probably. You think it's all disgusting under a microscope. Kind of everything's disgusting under a microscope. Apart from Ant-Man. What isn't? He's even better. You can see his expressions much more clearly. Was there a period in your life where you were thinking a lot about that sort of stuff?

Wait, wait, it was just like all you... About Ant-Man. All of your thoughts just went to things being shrunk down and tiny. We worked on that film for about eight years. Wow. From before the first Iron Man movie. Wow. Wow.

I didn't know it was that early. Yeah. On and off, we were working on... I mean, we weren't just working on that for eight years. That would be too much. Too long for a film about a shrinky-dink superhero. But on and off, we were both doing other things. You're always like...

Maybe you'd look at a mug and think, imagine a little man. Well, it's weird how doing that sort of thing actually cleans your mind. When you think about something for that long, okay, done with that. Finished with that. Never have to think about it. Never have to think about it ever again.

But are you suggesting that Joe would look at everything and go, imagine a little man climbing up that? Yeah. Yeah. Like if I was doing Ant-Man for eight years, I think every time I looked at anything, I would think like I'm looking right now at a tissue box here. Yes.

And I would think, well, imagine a little man climbing up the tissue box and then jumping in the hole where the tissues are. You know what? And what would that be like for the little man? You would be a big... You'd be a fan of the Ant-Man films. You should see...

You should... And he appears in the Avengers movies as well. Yeah. You might like them. I would like that. Is that a scene that you ever considered Ant-Man climbing up the tissue box and jumping into the tissues?

Well, if he was, say, trying to parachute out of a high building, you could do that. There you go. Or if he had a cold. If he maybe... If he had a... Well, yeah, and he'd just rip a little corner off, a tiny little corner off.

That's funny. I don't know. I think the fibers would be very big and they'd lash against his face. Yeah. It'd probably be better off getting that little bit of... See how deep I'm going into this? Yeah, but that's good.

I mean, I'm really imagining how to deal with it. This is the VFX meeting. No, Joe, the fibers would be too big. They'd lash against his face. That's exciting. He wouldn't fly in ILM. What would fly is Ant-Man holding the corners of a tissue and jumping out of a high building.

I was going to talk about plies, but three plies. Because maybe he'd lose a ply. And you go, but he's got two left. Then you lose another one. He's only got one ply. So would you have to add commentary there? You'd have to have him going,

No, no, I lost a ply. No, no. The trick would be to set up the plies earlier in the film. Yeah, talk about plies. To just toss it in. So the audience would get, oh, that's strange. So he'd probably go, oh, three plies. Yeah.

Would you like one of these three ply tissues? Throw away line in an actual scene. I think Michael Pena's character could get it if I was saying that. Yeah, exactly. I think everyone would think we were... Yeah, yeah, yeah. How's the surname spelled?

I don't know. How's it said? Have I never seen it written down? I don't think it's Pena. Yeah, I don't know. I think so, probably. Anyway, I think if that character said, do you want one of these tissues?

It's three ply. It would just be a funny joke. Yeah. And people wouldn't really see it as like a thing. But then later on, you go, ah. Yes. There we go. That's in the bag.

The scene is written. If someone offered you to do a borrower's film or TV show, would you do it or would you think, I can't think about that stuff again? I would think that. I don't like the borrower's. Borrower's? What are they called?

Borrower's. Because they borrow. Because they borrow. Well, they're thieves. I don't know. They feel like... Yeah, I don't know. Isn't it Jim Broadbent?

To have a very small Jim Broadbent living in the cracks of my floorboards would be upsetting for me. Do you think, do you feel bad for Jim Broadbent or you'd be worried about? It just feels dirty. Yeah. I'd want to get a toothpick and clean him out. Clean him out?

Yeah. Oh, you mean out of your house? No, clean him out of the cracks in the floorboards. In the floorboards, yeah. You want to clean him out? Yeah. Extend him up and up. That'd be upsetting.

It's just upsetting to have tiny people living. Atman returns to normal size and carries on a reasonably normal life. That's why you like him. That's why I like him, yeah. But to have Broadbent, I don't know who the rest of the borrower's were. Borrower's.

I can understand. I'm saying Staunton. I'm just imagining Staunton. Yeah, you'd hope so. It'll be another national treasure. Yeah, yeah. I mean, for me, Ian Heim is the original borrower. Because that was like a Sunday lunchtime,

series, and it would be Ian Heim as the pod, I think it was the main one. Yeah, no one, no insult to fans of the borrower's. But no, but I think your earlier point, Staunton, I'm just done with shrinking. Yeah, he can't do it. What would you do if you found a borrower in your house? Would you kill it?

I would become a billionaire because I'd have a very, very tiny human. And there's nothing like that that's ever existed before. I'd probably be called Blue Peter. That would be my first port of call. To become a billionaire. Well, just to get the exposure I need, I'm thinking of 70s Blue Peter, not the Blue Peter Now,

which is just house music and break dancing, isn't it? I don't know. I just think that's the first call for people who are unusually tall or unusually small. Not the Guinness Book of Records? Yeah, no, you're right, Guinness Book of Records. I'd also be very exciting for you if you found a borrower, because then you'd have a friend who wasn't in the industry.

Well, I don't know about that, because they'd immediately get in the industry. Yeah, they'd immediately catch a part of the industry. Your things that you've made them, isn't it? So then you're going for your phone. I've got Pod here, aren't I? He's the host Blue Peter Now. Oh, you've made me worried. No, I haven't got any friends in the industry.

Well, we've got a whole podcast for you to remember someone that isn't Claudia or Smudge. Quite unsettling having you talking a casual manner about Claudia and Smudge. So the bread is the bread for morrow? Yeah, the bread is the bread for morrow. That's what you want. Delicious.

Butter with it as well? No, not butter. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. A little dish of delicious olive oil to dip it in. Lovely, but be very careful not to get it on your shirt. So I'd have to tuck in the napkin like a bib, because I'm terrible for getting oil splats on my clothes. Yeah, me too.

The second I put a new shirt on is gone because of an oil splotch. Oh, two days ago. Two days ago, I got up, showered, dressed, then went to make something in a frying pan with some olive oil. Immediately, over all of it, I've got about seven aprons in my kitchen. Hang up, I don't wear any of them. You've got to put them on.

I was like, come on, man, you've got to start wearing an apron. No, my wife's taught me to put an apron on now, and now I love it. I like to call it a pinny. Yeah, yeah, that's nice. Because it feels a bit more transgressive. Just imagine your wife teaching you literally the technique of putting an apron on.

So your head goes through this bit. That is kind of what happened. She ties the strings at the back for me. But you're right, you've got to protect your new clothes from oil, definitely. I'll just cook topless though. Yeah, do you? Yeah, isn't your chest covered in like little burns?

Tiny little burns. Speckled, peckled with little burns. Yeah, it's like the boroughs have had a cigarette party on my chest. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cigarette party. Videodrome style. Yeah.

What's your apron look like? Well, there's two aprons in the kitchen. One has got blue vertical stripes, your classic. Yeah, lovely. I think the other one is sort of brown. No, brown? Slimming, is it? Of course.

Of course, there's very clever to put that on. Although as an apron, because it's not your full body, it must look weird. Yeah, just the middle of the body is slimmed down. No, slim in the middle. Yes, like a sort of freaky funhouse optical illusion. People go, look at me in it. Makes me feel dizzy.

Tiny body. Yes, clothing comes in. Immediately falls over. Cracks the plaster. It gets covered in oil. Got another job. The other one is just grey. That's for cooking sad meals.

A bit of egg meal. I'm detecting that you prefer the vertical stripes one. I go for whichever is hanging on the top of the huge cluster of things that are hanging off the back of the kitchen door, so much so that it doesn't open properly. Yeah, our apron has came down recently. Oh, did it? Yeah, came off the wall.

It was itself adhesive. Yeah, it was one of those adhesive ones. And then, you know, I got a new apron, a leather apron. Listen, give Claudia a call. He'll screw one in for you. Claudia'll sort me out, only. Yeah, he'll screw you. Yeah.

He'll probably do it for free, just as a little taster, like a drug dealer. Yeah, and then get really addicted to Claudia's work. Were you, and this is a genuine question that I care about. Yes. In the room when it fell down, were you elsewhere in the house and heard it and thought, what the bloody hell is that?

I was away. I got back. Oh, no. I got back and all my aprons were on the floor. And I was like, well, I better hang those back up. Went down the back up. No hook. No hook at all.

Yeah, because it's an adhesive one as well. There's no mark where it was. How long ago was this? This was two weeks ago, I'd say. Well, you still look startled. Yeah. And when I came here today, I thought Ed looked startled. Something's happened to Ed recently.

I hope he's OK. And now I know. Yeah. And as soon as aprons came up, I was like, no, I'm going to have to bring this up. This is the first time we've talked about aprons on the podcast. Really? Which is like a food podcast that's been going for quite a while.

What's the difference between an apron and a penny? Well, I would imagine a penny has like frills on it and stuff. That's what I imagine a penny as would have like frills around there. Yeah. It's a bit more fancy. Why is it called a penny? Is it short for pinafore? Well, a pinafore is a pinafore.

A penny is a penny. But what's a pinafore? It's a little dress that you pin on the front of a dress, isn't it? Like, I don't know. I don't watch enough Bridgerton. They have big, bustily things and pop a little pinafore on the front. It's like a bib for your genitals. Yeah.

But I thought that's what a penny was. It's like a giant flat sporen. And they need those in Bridgerton. I don't know what it is, do they? Yeah, they need a bib to their genitals. Bibs to their genitals. They do. They do.

To clean up the oil splats. Yeah. There's a lot of oil splats. The frying pan bukaki. Christ. Also, I think, fair to say, the first mention of bukaki on the podcast. I think so.

Yeah, that's good. I'm very proud. And, of course, it's coming. Yeah. Right. I've googled pinafore. Yes. Don't do that and go on to Google Images.

Right. Why? Well, I think I should. Yeah, I like those pictures. I don't see your point. But I don't understand why that's the first thing that comes up on pinafore. Naked women wear only pinafores. I think pinnies and aprons, they're quite potentially sexy

because they happen to cover all your sensitive areas and not much else. But they leave the buttocks exposed. So the front view, if you're naked but just wearing an apron, you're presentable from the front. But all you have to do is turn to get the can of ravioli off the top shelf and suddenly house your father. Yeah. But isn't that the same with hospital gowns, though?

And you wouldn't call those sexy. Well, no, because you're in a hospital. Some people find that sexy. Yeah, I suppose there's something for everyone out there. Listen, as long as you're somewhere business-like, where you're getting things done, then it's sexy. Yeah, it's sexy because it's so naughty. Well, you're just going to get on with it.

Then I'll let you know. You can buy a three pack of maid costumes for $8.99. Would you buy them for me, please? Yeah, sure. I don't know what I'm going to do with them. Maybe everyone at my table is wearing pinnies. Yeah, you're sure, because this is your builder and your cat. What about my other friends?

Have they not been allowed to? Yeah, yeah, you're getting so old. Edgar, Louis. Yeah, they're all wearing pinnies. They're fully dressed, but they've got pinnies on, because a pinny is the thinking man's bib. I mean, it really does eliminate any possibility of splat or splatage or spillage. Do you like that in a restaurant when they give you a bib?

Well, when they give me a bib in a restaurant. Like in a seafood restaurant or a barbecue restaurant, sometimes they'll have like a plastic bib and they'll come and put it on for you. I don't think that's ever happened to me. I don't know if I like it. I'd have to experience it. I don't know. It feels like the closest association I've got is when you sit down in a barber's chair

and the barber puts the stands and presses their tummy into your back. And then the back of the chair? Well, no, you're right. The tummy, I mean, this barber's got a high tummy. And drapes the thing around you and ties it around like, yeah, I quite like that. Feels like you're in for something, doesn't it? You like the tummy on the back?

No, I like the draping of the thing around the chesticles and the tying of the thing around the back of the neck. Feels like a ceremony, doesn't it? Like a sort of crowning ceremony, like a coronation. I feel like it's more of a sorting hat situation than a coronation. Right. Why? Because I like the way you look at me as if I've got something to say about that. You looked at it, and you looked at me with quite a news night face tilted your head.

Joe, go, run with that. I don't know where to run with that. You know what to do, Joe. Sorting out a coronation. I got lost about two non-sequiturs ago. Your dream starter. Dream starter. Okay. Well, I think I was thinking about this and I'm going to like,

in the dream restaurant, can I be anywhere that I want? Yeah. So it's like the rules of space and time are suspended. Yeah. So I would go for a bruschetta. Lovely. Lovely. Very funny thing to follow you asking if the rules of time and space are suspended.

Well, this isn't any old bruschetta. Absolutely. You loved it. Can I do whatever I want, right? So the one of the, the rules of size are applied. A bruschetta, please. This is the follow-up to your poshest meal I've ever had.

So when Attack the Block came out, this Italian producer bought it to distribute in Italy. His name was Aurelio De Laurentiis. Dino De Laurentiis is a nephew. Yes. Dino De Laurentiis, famous producer, right? Barbarella, Flash Gordon, Blue Velvet, Conan, Serpico. Oh, I know Conan. Yeah.

But I like chapters. Famous Italian producer. Anyway, his nephew, he buys it for Italy. He puts me in a private jet. I'm in a festival in Switzerland in Locano. He says, Joe, come, come and see me. I want to meet you. I love your film.

A little bit like that, his voice was. Yeah, that's nice. And so he puts me on a private jet from Locano. I fly to Naples, where I get on a speedboat, like a sexy speedboat, big James Bond speedboat. I get, like, speedboated out to this little bay off the island of Capri, where Aurelio De Laurentiis is floating in this beautiful cove with a little plastic floating tray with a cappuccino on it.

Wow. I get off the speedboat. I bash my ankle against the steps, so there's blood running down my ankle. Immediately ruining the scene. Well, I mean, it's screeching pain and I'm dribbling blood everywhere. I don't say anything about it. I just get in the water. Oh, salty sting, healing the wound.

And I swim over to, and that's how I meet Aurelio. Anyway, cut a long story short. I stay night on the island of Capri. He takes me the next day for lunch on this private island off the Amalfi coast, which has Rudolf Nureyev's villa on it, right, the ballet dancer. I think it's called Lagalli or something. You can hire it now for about like $300,000 a minute. So it's on this private island and a friend of Aurelio's is staying there

and we have lunch there and they just bring the most incredible tomatoes. I've always had a conflicted relationship with tomatoes, right? Yeah. Didn't like them as a kid at all. And tomatoes are a fruit, correct? Yeah. So these tomatoes really tasted fucking phenomenal. I mean, really extraordinary.

All my life, my dad has said, don't be so fussy about tomatoes. They're a fruit. And I shut up. They're not a fruit. They're weird. These tomatoes, they were just sensational and they were chopped into a bruschetta with some amazing olive oil on. And it was just the most beautiful thing I've ever tasted.

There was another big mysterious billionaire who I think had hired the island and he had all these peculiar artists and people there. It was very odd. It's a bit like that John Fowle's book, The Magus. Have you ever read that? No. People who've read that might know what I mean. Just this weird collection of people.

So I'm sitting next to Aurelio. He's smoking a cigar. The other billionaire is smoking a cigar. Aurelio is watching him and he leans over to me and says, that man smokes a cigar like he is sucking a cock. And I say, yeah, yeah, he is. That's the sort of thing billionaire is the sort of quip. Yeah.

Billionaires make. It's good. And that guy led over to the guy who's next to him and said exactly the same thing about Aurelio. Probably. Also, I would imagine I wasn't there, but I don't think he was. From the mental picture in your mind? Well, do you think they're two very different?

I've been very lucky in my life to. Have sucked a lot of cock. I've seen people smoking cigars. Yeah. I've seen, Joe, I've seen people. Yeah, doing that. Going down on people. Yeah.

I cannot imagine anyone doing one as they would do the other. Really? When I suck a cock, I go. That's a pipe, isn't it? I think this guy might have been licking the tip of the cigar with a circular tongue motion. I don't know whether this is a false memory syndrome. That's why it's sprung into my head.

I feel like you might have invented that. Don't you moisten the one end of the cigar? I don't fucking know what I'm talking about. Anyway, listen, Aurelio D'Arense was a really lovely, incredibly generous man. And he gave me the time of my life. He also gave me the tomato of my life. So for my starter, I would be there in that on Rudolph Nureyev's private island with Aurelio and the cigar-sucking man

with that bruschetta, with the elements of that bruschetta. You should probably just jump in and say, when we talk about a mysterious billionaire on a private island, it's not that one, right? No, it's not that as well. There's a few to choose from. What are available at the end of that story? I was only there for lunch,

so I don't know what happened when the sun went down. And everybody seemed of a legal age, but everyone was quite confused. It's beautiful. Look at it on the internet. It's amazing. It sounds stunning. Beautiful villa. Bruschetta's the kind of thing where the best version of it is like... Why would you need anything else?

What would you need? It's great. You think? I mean, crunchy, fresh, delicious. Yeah, fantastic. I mean, billionaire bruschetta. That's how you want it. Billionaire bruschetta.

Billionaire bruschetta club. That's a new series for Netflix. It's a new hip-hop label. Yeah, billionaire bruschetta. It also sounds like a horrible hybrid between billionaire shortbread and bruschetta. Yeah. Like, just a thick layer of caramel, tomato.

Oh, no, James is interested. Look at what you're talking to. I'm interested as well. Look at what you're talking to. You think I don't want that? You did that like you were sucking a cock. Oh, well, I wouldn't. And you know how I suck a cock.

I attack the cock. Would you say, Joe, that I was a champione just then? I don't know. You sort of insulted my film, so no. Was that like a football chant? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He really took me to the only football match

I've ever been in in my life, because he owns Naples. He owns Napoli. Yes. And we drove there the wrong way down a busy road, literally into the oncoming traffic. Yeah. It was extraordinary, because it was Aurelio, and all the fans just parted.

Wow. Wow. And we watched a match in Naples football ground, which is really old, and they can't rebuild it, because it's taken them centuries to figure out where all the different families sit. And if you knocked it down, Aurelio told me, and rebuild it, you'd have to enter negotiations

with all the different families to try to into how much stand they had. Yeah. It's just evolved over so long that it sort of settled now. Wow. But it's sort of crazy and crumbling, and it was quite an aggressive, violent, messy game. I loved it.

During that trip, where you just every five minutes go, what the hell is going on? I can't quite believe it happened. He invited me over a few times. Joe, come to my estate in Sicily. I give you a million dollars, right? They filmed for me. He owned half of Cinecetta.

Cinecetta is a very famous Italian film studio where all the Fellini films were shot and stuff. OK. He was a lovely man, but no, I just went home. He didn't give you a million pounds? No, he didn't. Your dream main course. OK. Well, I'm going to go somewhere else

for my dream main course. I think I would go to... Do you ever go on holiday? Do you ever go on holiday? Yes, I have been. You're so privileged to Crete, or one of the Mediterranean islands. And you're driving along the coast and you stumble upon what seems like a little family-run restaurant

with only three or four tables. This happened to us on a holiday to Crete, and we stumbled upon this little restaurant by the sea with little tables. And I think it was run by a husband and wife. And we thought, well, we'll try this place. And we sat down and it had just sort of quite a simple menu, fish and chips and grilled shit.

Just two things on the menu. Stuff, shit-meaning stuff. And so we ordered fish and chips and a salad. So basically it was as if Tom Conti from Shirley Valentine rolled up his sleeves with his hairy forearms, waded into the sea like pleasure to fish to death with his fingers, bought it out, literally just gutted it, slapped it on the grill while his wife,

his grumpy, horny-nosed wife, skinned some fresh potatoes and then threw them dismissively into a scalding pan of boiling hot oil. And then his slushest daughter peeled a lettuce and sliced a cucumber. And then while they're doing this, we're just looking out over the sea and looking at the stars, looking at the island of what was it called? Spin-a-lo, no, what's it called?

It's by a cometer. No, what is it called? I wrote it down. Spin-a-longa. Beautiful island, no lights on it, deserted. And then they just serve you this just incredible, fresh, grilled, fried, yumminess. And then the bill comes and it's like almost nothing.

Like a quid. So you just tip them incredibly generously because you thought that's how much it would cost. So you feel good about that as well and then you leave and then you try and find it again and you can't. It's gone, it's in it. It's just like a mystical, magical, and it burnt down 100 years ago.

Mediterranean, they were all dead. Locked in code, Netflix, January the 27th. Don't touch it. But have you ever had an experience like that? Yeah, and it's the very Mediterranean experience as well, I think. Yeah, and also Peckham. And not Peckham. No, no, that's not true.

I don't think there's any place like that in Peckham. It's where the surroundings really help the taste of the food as well, I think. But also like if it's fresh fish and fresh cut chips, it's incredible. But if you have those surroundings and the company you're with and looking out across the sea, like you can't really get much better than that.

Just me, the simple Mediterranean people, the fish and my industry friends, chatting about the business. It's the thing I'm always like, because I haven't really had an experience like that. And I'm always very jealous because we've had some guests come on the podcast and fresh caught fish that they've had on a holiday is often one of the things that comes up because obviously it's one of the best things you can eat anywhere.

And every time I'm like, oh yeah, I want to do it so bad. Like, and I should, whenever my next holiday is, deliberately go to somewhere where I can do that because... You didn't get that at Disney. No, when I went to Disney World, I didn't get the freshly caught fish. Because they have to... Sea World would do it.

Yeah, that'd be good. Should have gone there. At Disney, they do have, well, fresh fish, but they take it and then they have to cut it all into the shape of Mickey's head. Yes. And it just, by the time it gets to you, it's just... Right, or flounder.

Yeah, or Nemo. Yeah. Oh yeah. Let's do your dream side dish. Yes. So you've got chips, you've got chips with the fish anyway, but that's all part of the... Yeah, that's best on the main plate.

Well, I don't know, I'm not big on side dishes, to be honest. It feels like being unfaithful, you know, a bit on the side. Feels like having a fancy woman. Do you know what I mean? Like, just have the fucking main dish. You don't like, put it on the plate. Like, what's the point? But look, you're very welcome to put it on the plate,

but you know, this is just an opportunity for an extra bit of delicious food. Right, well, I don't know. I really couldn't really think of anything exciting, but if I've got to have a vegetable, right? So usually it's the sort of... It's where you get your veg. I'm trying to think of the word,

it's like the righteous portion of the meal, the good for you bit. So I would just like somebody to say I've grated some carrot and put something nice on it, like some sort of crumbly, nutty, you know, shit that makes carrot taste nice. Like a sort of crumb, a crumbly, nutty crumb. Something like that.

You know stuff that people do to make boring vegetables. Like they deserve to be eaten. Some herbs. Some herbs. I had some the other day and it was delicious. Yeah. It was like some oil, maybe some warm butter with bits of like crumbly toast and nuts

and probably some little bacon flex. But you want to elevate anything, put some bacon flex on. Yeah. But it's grated carrot you want. It was grated, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

You don't want to sit in a high-class restaurant like Bugs Bunny and nibble a whole carrot. Ah, watch out. Smoking a cigar then. Hold on. We only got WhatsApp there and not Doc, but then you... Well, because it was the matriot deer I was talking to. And it was a genuine question.

I wanted to know what was up. What was up? Yeah, well, I kind of... I bailed on the impression midway through because I feel I wasn't committed to it. I liked it a lot. Yeah, thank you. I did that in primary school when I was four or five.

There was a girl and it was her last day at the school and we were sitting down from like register or whatever. And I turned around and said, Hey, Siobhan. And before I could say anything to her, the girl next to her went, I love you. Like that.

Like I didn't know what to say. So I went, what's up, Doc? And then I turned back round and faced the teacher. Absolutely mortified. Yeah. Remember that. I still think about it all the time. You didn't do the little...

Doesn't he make little noise? I put it in. What's up, Doc? And then I got it back to the front going. Got it. Jesus Christ. But like, yeah. Also, probably thinking,

Don't have a kid. They were genuinely funny doing that. I love you thing. That was funny. I love that. That's really funny. And my thing was really... First, you feel like a five-year-old kid

to go like to make use of that little gap. We're going, Hey, Siobhan. She goes, I love you. I said, because that's quite funny. For a five-year-old to tell a never-five-year-old on her last day of school before she leaves that they love them is quite funny. This feels like this could be

underpinning your whole career. Yeah. I think that traumatic moment is like your roast point. It is. It's the whole... I'm just trying to be funnier than that girl. Yeah. But I'll never be funnier than that.

No. She was five. Keep working at it. Thank you. Is it cold grated carrot you want? Just cold grated carrot. The grated carrot I had the other day was cold, I think. Yeah.

Is that all right? Yeah. I mean, you seem frightened and disappointed. You can have what you want. No, I'm just interested. Cold grated carrot with some... I'm sure there's something better out there. Chromy spicy shit on top.

No, well, no. To be fair, I totally agree with you. It actually brings out the flavour a little bit more sometimes. Yeah. I mean, carrots taste like dirt, don't they? However sweet the carrot there's a little. You've got to wash it. You've really got to wash it, man.

But no, inside them there is a core of soil. Isn't there? It's very difficult to eat a carrot that doesn't have a little soily aftertaste. I don't agree with it. No. You don't agree with it? No.

But it's difficult to... It's also difficult to disagree with because it's your taste. Yeah, it's you saying it. I think I've just got a much more refined palate than you guys. I think you've got a mud mouth. The soil. Muddy mouth.

You've got a mud mouth, mate. I do have a mud mouth, yeah. Well, one of the first words I said in this podcast was shit. Yeah. You're clearly right. Shit box, you said. Shit box from a mud mouth. About your mouth, your voice.

How many people have asked you this before? Because I'm genuinely interested in this. And I don't know if it has been brought up. But I mean, you must be aware of it. Is it you, Louis and Adam have the same voice, right? Yeah, it's my voice. They copied it. Is that what's happened?

Because no one else in the world has it. Well, you've got to remember I'm older than them. I'm the oldest of the three of us. Louis is the youngest. Adam's in the middle. And I'm the eldest. So my voice broke first. I would think of it.

I would guest completely the opposite way around for that. Really? That it was Louis's voice. And Adam and I copied it. I would guess that Louis was the oldest. Really? You were the youngest. And Adam still remains in the middle.

Well, that's how we've aged. Louis has become a wizened sort of Magnus Pike figure. Adam disguised. That's not true. He's a very handsome man. This also isn't true. Adam is... Is a hides his face with a beard.

So you don't know what's going on really. I have the face of a sort of middle aged Annie Lennox impersonator. Or maybe Sebastian Ko after he's run a very long race. He's a runner. I don't know what I look like. What's the question? Same voice. Why did the three of you have the same voice

and no one else in the world has that voice? Well, because we've been friends since we were 13. And we've spent a long time together. And I don't know. I really don't know. Also, you all went to the same school, right? Yeah, but it wasn't like a voice school. I think other people came out of it speaking different.

I don't know. I don't know. I really don't know. Very nice voice, just so you know. But you do copy each other's... Very nice. Like if you're close friends, you do... If you spend a lot of time with someone.

Yeah, I've picked up certain things from Edgar knowing him a lot that I do and I like. Like directing. Directing, a lot of writing tips. But also like he would go, oh, Lordy, Lordy, Lord. And I now love that's one of my favorite exclamations. Oh, Lord. And in fact, the other day my mum said it.

And I was like, oh, she never said that before. But I've been saying it around her. And now she's picked it up. So it's fun just picking up little mannerisms from friends, isn't it? It makes life more entertaining. It is nice. And it's a nice way of talking the way

that the three of you have is a very nice... You've got a good voice. Yeah, I've got a great voice. It's not West Country, is it? No, it's Kettering, Northamptonshire. But a lot of people, West Country was... When I started comedy, it was on Open Mic Circuit. Everyone assumed I was from the West Country would say that.

Yeah, it's got a nice sort of... So it's about out the side of the mouth, kind of long AR sounds. But it's just sort of slightly lazy and sort of laid back sounding. But then you say various sort of things with it, which is funny. You've got a more like straightforward voice. Blank. Blank. Just a blank voice.

Little blank voice. Yeah. No, you've got a very nice voice. So you've got a very malifluous voice. Is it RP, is that what people say? Or does that mean something else? Receive pronunciation. What does that mean?

That means just a sort of... I think it's sort of plain, plain voice. Really plain. That's what I've been down for. It's just sort of like, yeah, just like your BBC, your average BBC voice. Yeah. Ed had a bit of stand-up once where he said that his face looks like

when you're making a character on the Wii and it looks like that person before you've added anything to it and maybe also has the same voice. I've got the voice of that as well, yeah. No, you'd be a good sort of a sort of Dean Cain style, you know, smallville. Who can? Oh, please. Like you could play Superman. What a compliment.

Yeah. What a compliment. Yeah. Did you ever have BBC... Have you ever had BBC voice training? No. I had BBC voice training. Did you?

A woman trained me. This is when I was doing the BBC, the Radio 4 film review show. So I had the official training. She tore the corners off a piece of A4 paper, stuck them with sellotape to the microphone like cats ears. She didn't know I had a cat. You breathed in and they immediately stuck to your epiglottis. Yes, luckily that didn't happen.

How many plies are we talking? I'm not sure A4 paper has plies. I think those are tissues. Listen. So then she said, talk to the microphone like you're talking to your cat. Wow. And that's why when you listen to Radio 4, it's particularly soothing and addictive. And she also said, talk to the microphone like you're talking to your partner

who is lying next to you in your bed with their head on the next door pillow. Next door pillow. Knock, knock. I'm coming in. And so, yeah. So that's why there's a sort of slightly sexy close... Or certainly there used to be a slightly sort of sexy close mic tone. To Radio 4.

And it's why it's the housewife. It's been a while. Christ, the training's wearing off. But... It's why it's the housewife's favourite. You know? Wow. See, if I got a Radio 4 show, it'd just be me going,

Don't jump on the shelf. Get away from that vase. Because my girlfriend's always doing that. Really? Yeah, she's jumping on the shelf. She's always everywhere. Why didn't... Couldn't she just say, speak to the microphone like it's your cat?

Why did she have to put the ears on? I don't know, because that's the sort of inspirational teacher methodology that got her where she was. Yeah. So a tail? Did she add a little tail to the other side? She did not add a tail. There was a wire, right?

Right, I see. Oh, yeah, you pretend that's a tail. Yeah. Yeah. Well, listen, you might make a better teacher than her by extending the cat analogy. Couple of little legs off of it. Yeah.

Well, thank you for answering that question about your voice, because I think it all the time. I thought that was a personal question. Well, I'm sorry if it's confusing. And maybe I'll try and get a new voice. Oh, I was trying. Yeah, any of those, any good? He started talking like Homer.

Oh, hello. I don't know. I'm just... This is just the beginning. It's very protoplasmic. Yeah. Embryonic. And I'll keep working on it.

Maybe I need to contact the lady again. Yeah. Hello, I need a new voice. What animal should I speak to? I sound too similar to my friends and everyone's getting confused. Can you design a new voice for me? Of course I can.

I designed Stephen Fry's voice. I designed... Who else has got a particularly distinctive voice? McKellen. I designed Ian McKellen's voices. That took me years. I shall design a new voice for you. It's very expensive, but I can do it.

Can you afford it? Yes. You can get that and have the amount to pay for it. Yes. Very well. You won't be hearing from me for several months, but when you do hear it from me again, I will have a new voice for you.

Thanks very much. Hang up the phone. And will the voice be that voice you were just doing? I like that voice. You should mix the voice off that lady. Yeah, that would be good if you started. Tiring, isn't it? Yeah, you really put a lot into that.

Listen, let's all do the rest of this podcast in new voices, in different voices. Well, let's do it in each other's voices. Well, that might be insulting. Yeah, but then we could just carry on the podcast normal and pretend it's the other person talking. All right, let's do it. Yeah, that's good.

Go. Well, thank you for having me on your podcast, guys. That's a pleasure. Thanks for coming, Joe. So tell us again about your Netflix show. I actually don't. We've heard twice. We don't care.

Dream drink. James, you're looking at me like I need to be in the answer. Well, as you know, I don't like hot drinks. I only just started drinking lemon and ginger, but it's not one of my favorite drinks yet. And actually, I drink alcohol, but I don't drink that much, except for my favorite drink. So actually, my favorite drink would just be a ribena.

That's good. Did I get that right? I don't think I could host this podcast. Did I get that right that it would be a ribena? No, no, I don't like ribena. No. No, I don't like ribena. My drink.

You want to know my drink? Yes, please. That's essentially it. It's not a hot drink, is it? It's not a hot drink. No, well, I tell you what I'm drinking a lot of at the moment is Coke Zero. Good on you.

Yeah, I mean, we were in the writer's room for this show, and one of the writers was drinking Coke Zero. I'd never encountered it before. You've never even crossed paths with it. No, I think I was drinking. Like, I'm very infantile with drinks. I was drinking squash. I was drinking orange, fresh orange juice, watered down.

Maybe some water. Fresh orange juice, watered down is pretty grown up, I'd say. Maybe. Because you're watering it down. But then I tried, and it tastes really good Coke Zero. Really good. And I don't drink tea or coffee, so I do need some caffeine from somewhere.

So that's where I get it from. I worry about what's in it. In Coke Zero. Yeah. I don't know how they're making it taste so sweet. So, yeah, well, it's this artificial sweetness and like... But is it aspartame or whatever it's called? Aspartame, yeah.

Well, I think sometimes about it, because like, obviously, so I'm similar. So I like Coke Zero, Diet Coke, Pepsi Max. Diet Coke's much more watery, isn't it, girly than Coke Zero, which is a man specifically designed for men. It was. It was targeted for like...

The lettering is black, like darkness and fear and things that men are concerned with. But yes, they were trying to aim at people. It's like, again, I mean, I don't want to come across as just a massive fan of Ed Gamble's comedy here, but Ed had a bit about Moisturiser having to rebrand itself. And he's like, oh, it's Bulldog Moisturiser for men, which is exactly the same Moisturiser than the other thing.

But he's having to make stupid men use it and actually take care of themselves. That was the premise. There was punchlines. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That would have been good enough for me. He do his cat plays a lot of the time. Just observational comedy. Yeah, right. So, let's just say Moisturiser, guys.

On to the next bit. Well, I remember watching that routine and thinking, do you know what? I know he's my friend, but that's a bloody good point. And also, to me, because I haven't had full fat Coke in ages. So Coke Zero and Diet Coke taste just like a full fat Coke now. So there's no point in me having a full fat Coke. You can tell the difference, though,

between Coke Zero and Diet Coke, right? Yes. What's the difference? I think you're right that the Diet Coke tastes a bit more watered down. It's got a little bit of perfume in it. I think there's a, really? A splash of perfume. You think they've marketed it to women by putting perfume in it?

Yeah, it's just lighter and more airy. It's sort of like a convertible car, long blonde hair blowing in the wind. Do you know what I mean? No, but it says a lot about you. Whereas Coke Zero, zero. Yeah. Yeah, and we can deal with zero.

We're not friend of zero. Nothing zero. Oh, on a hot day, what would you prefer? What? I'd always go for Coke Zero, because it's sweeter. Yeah, it tastes sweeter. And I did read up on it, and you'd have to drink, like, liters and liters a day for it to have. Or a rat would have to drink liters and liters a day

before the rat started growing enormous balls on its head. On its head. Here's what happens with too much, because it's so, it's got testosterone in it. Oh, that's on the right. It's sweetened with testosterone. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Diet Coke has a little bit of perfume. Coke Zero has a little bit of testosterone, but if you drink too much, you start just getting too manly. If you like the Coke Zero sweeter. Yeah. So have you ever dove into the world of Cherry Pepsi Max? No, no, no. I don't know.

I don't. Do you like that stuff? We like Cherry Pepsi Max on this podcast. Right, and I've got a bone to pick. I think there's a conspiracy to get rid of Cherry Pepsi Max. Really? Every petrol station I've been into recently, and that's a lot.

All the Cherry Pepsi Max has gone, and it's Cherry Pepsi Max with raspberry, which looks almost exactly the same, because it's only a tiny little fruit emblem. So I've bought that accidentally a few times. And the Coke Zero with Cherry is like taking up most of the shelf space. I think I've not seen a Cherry Pepsi Max for about a month.

That does happen every now and then. Then there's every now and then, there's like machinations in the industry that the consumer can barely, you know, glimpse. Like when Haribo took over the entire sweet industry. That happened by stealth. Didn't it? Yeah, yeah.

You know, one year there was pick and mix. The next year there was fucking Haribo. Yeah, everywhere. That's all you can get. But they could be phasing it out. They could be. Why would you phase it out? No one drinks the vast thing.

I mean, no one has. 12 generally drinks that stuff, do they? What? Cherry Pepsi Max is my little treat when I'm driving somewhere, thank you. Is it? Yes. Have you had one?

Would you drink cherry juice? Oh, lovely cup of fresh cherry juice. Would you get a cherry juicer? I'd get a little cherry juicer. And drink fresh cherry juice? For a while, I always used to have a bottle of sour cherry juice in the fridge because I heard it was healthy.

Seriously? Yeah. And was it nice? Yeah. You can buy it in Concentrate as well, put it in like smoothies and stuff. Would you squeeze a cherry into a drink just to add a little bouquet?

One hundred percent, I'd do that. Yeah. You're crazy. In a little cocktail, it like spritz a cherry on, wipe it around the edge of the glass. Would you? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Wow, you're classy. I love cherries. I feel very pedestrian in your company. My wife's bought a cherry stoner. Have you ever seen those things? Oh, I love that. I love the salmon.

Is that someone who's never smoked weed before? What? A cherry stoner? Yes. Very good. I'm there. Thank you. No, it pushes the stone out of a cherry.

Yeah. At first, I thought, what is this ridiculous gadget? Cluttering up our cutlery drawer. And now I can't eat a cherry without it. It's incredibly efficient. Is it very satisfying to use it? It sounds satisfying.

It's very satisfying. It precisely just ejects that stone. Yeah. So cool. It's really good. I recommend it. You'd love it. I'd love it.

You're a cherry. Kidding me? A Fernando. Cherry. I'm a cherry. Fernando. How? Yeah.

It's not what I was saying. You're a Nelly. Nelly. Furtado. Yeah. Nelly. Furtado. The cherry.

Furtado. Yeah, Nelly. Furtado. We've all seen that. That's what it says. Your dream dessert? You know, I'm not a big pudding fan. Because I would rather skip pudding.

Okay. Feel superior. Oh, I'm not going to have any pudding. Yeah. Everyone else eats awful puddings. Oh, you've got a pudding YouTube channel, haven't you? Or something, haven't you? Haven't you?

We've done. So you're heavily into puddings. Yeah, we've done a YouTube series called Jack. Yeah. James is looking. Just pudding. I don't know. Something's going on.

I'm ready for whatever's going to happen. All right. If you're skipping pudding. So I'm skipping pudding, but I tell you what I'm doing later. I'm not going to be polite to you. Later. So I felt self-righteous skipping pudding

and watching everyone else stuff their faces. Yeah. And secretly they're thinking, Joe's better than me. He's not having pudding. Yeah, that's good. I'm not thinking that. No one's thinking that.

I'm going to the fucking news agent. Yeah. I'm buying some fucking sweets. Okay, good. Because the confectionery industry has surpassed the pudding industry. Wow. That is why round trees and Mars

have started to migrate into the puddings industry. Okay. Snickers ice cream. Yeah. Revels mousse. You know, the puddings industry hasn't migrated into the confectionery industry. What do you mean, revels mousse?

Well, maybe not that specific thing. But you know, yeah, you can get a revels mousse. You can't get a revels mousse. All right. You can get Maltesers mousse. Yeah, Maltesers mousse. A revels mousse. A revels mousse will be magic.

It'd be like a Willy Wonka. Well, you'd have those bits in. I mean, they should do it. Or it could be like a fruit corner where you'd tip the contents into the chocolate. Or it'd have to be like one pot but you don't know what it is until you get home. So you get home and go, oh, it's like a.

A massive oversized. Yeah, it's a menstrual flavor mousse. And then another time. Yeah, it's a coffee one. But there's nothing a pudding can do that confectionery can't do better. What? I see.

Wow. Well, hold on. What about heat and texture? Yeah. I'm very relieved that you're having a dessert and it is a sweet thing. But at the same time, this claim is. So for my dessert, two and a half hours later,

I'm having a Yorkie. I'm having a Yorkie biscuit and raisin duo. Another product specifically designed for men. Yeah. What is your problem? They let you have a whole marketing campaign that was like excluded. I'm very, very manly.

Yeah. But that's my current Jones. It's the best. It's the best Yorkie as well. That's what I'm going for at the moment. The best Yorkie by a country market. I don't think I will ever eat any of the other Yorkies again. Because why would you?

The raisin and biscuit Yorkie is clearly the best. I love the little bits of biscuit. I would love a bag of just little bits of biscuit. I'd love to eat them. I could graze on that quite easy. Yeah. I think they're very satisfyingly just perfectly spherical those little bits of biscuit.

Nice packaging as well. Royal purple. Royal purple. Prince loved them. Really? Lovely the yellow and purple goes together. Yeah. He only ate purple things.

He did only drink purple. That's what sent him to an early grave. Too many Yorkies. 69? Maybe not. I think he was 69. He wasn't, was he? I thought that's a new format point.

Wow. Once you finish your Yorkie. You've had your Yorkie. What'd you like to 69? The old double cigar. After a heavy meal. Yeah. I mean, you wouldn't want to know.

I would be breezy. Immediately after a heavy meal. Actually, I think Bobby was 69 and they died in the same year. So that's what I'm thinking. Right. I'm not. I don't think he was. Is that the famous year that...

No, that's not the famous year. Yeah. 2016, everyone died. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, so there you go. So I know that's controversial, but so if I had to have a pudding from the menu, I would go for a single scoop of vanilla ice cream.

No. No. No. So we don't want to make you have something. You go to the garage or whatever, all the news agents, and get yourself a purple Yorkie. And I love that. And you're getting the duo, which I respect as well.

Yeah, because there's a few more lamps on it. The single Yorkies... Not enough. Is not enough, is it? It's quite annoyingly not enough, actually. When it's... I mean, all of these chocolate bars that they say family pack, sharing bag, duo, I mean, that's bullshit, isn't it?

That's for one. And they know it's bullshit. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. They're just... They're just legal loopholes. Which one they changed. Right.

They can't call it king size anymore. Yeah. Must be a thing. But no, no one's sharing that. No. No. King shit, are they? You're wilting it all down.

Do you still think king size in your head? When you're eating it, do you think this is king size? Oh, because they used to be called king size. Yeah, they were called king size. And I imagine you're someone who likes to quite heavily apply gender to their foods. And then you've been like, this is king. I'm a king. Because it's king size.

Yes, yeah. I'm a king. Yeah. I would feel like a king. Yeah. And you did... If you made that movie now, The Kid Who Would Be King. Yes.

You'd have to change it to The Kid Who Would Be Duo and have to have two kids in the lead role. That would be very good. Yeah. And we could be... And it could have been sponsored by Yorkie. Yeah. And, yeah, instead of Excalibur, it could have been a chocolate sword with some biscuit bits in it.

That would be nice. That would be very nice. It would come out of the stone more easily. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's the right person wields it. You know, don't want to pick you up on the folklore. Yorkie sword.

You know, you'd have to be... I guess if it was a Yorkie sword, yeah, just being loads of people. Well, it would snap off too easily, wouldn't it? I don't think it would come out of this stone. Well, I think Yorkie would have it. That would be... The whole film would be women trying to pull it out and it not working. And then right at the end, just any bloke goes,

Yeah! A tripe. A tripe. A tripe. A tripe. A tripe. And Paul's like, I did it! I'm going to read your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it.

Water, you want a big, expensive bottle of sparkling water and you want a champagne flute to drink out of. Yes, sir. Poppins or bread, you want bread for morrow with olive oil. Starter, the bruschetta from Rudolph Nureyev's Private Island. Yes, yes, I do. Main course, fresh fish with chips and salad from a Crete restaurant that you can never find again. Yeah.

Side dish, grated cold carrot with crumbly shit that makes it delicious. Yeah, that's what I want written on the menu as well. Drink, Coke Zero, dessert. You're going to pass, but then hours later, you're going to have a biscuit, a raisin, Yorkie duo from a newsagents. Yeah, that really does sound delicious. Yeah. You're excited about it.

Yeah, this is a good... I mean, it felt silly while we were doing it, but now I think this has been very useful. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's what a lot of our guests feel. Yeah. Yeah, they feel awful during the main record

and then at the end of the thing. When the results are great, they feel really pleased. It makes sense. And it's quite healthy that as well, isn't it? Yes, it is. Fresh grilled fish, bruschetta. Yeah, lovely. I mean, that's quite a health...

I wouldn't see someone eat that and call them unhealthy. Sort of Mediterranean. Yeah. Sort of that healthy Mediterranean thing, you know, like the Olivia advert, they're like Mediterranean people are really healthy. Yes, and I mean beautiful locations. Yeah.

Apart from the garage. Yeah. That's where you end up after all that. But there'll be a garage somewhere on... Even if you're on the Amalfi Coast, there'll be a garage. Yeah, yeah. They can get...

I'm sure Raylio could sort you out with a speed boat to a local garage. Well, he'd private jet the Yorkies in. Yeah. Oh, wouldn't he? That'd be the final thing to convince you to write the film for him. I'll get you all the Yorkies your heart could desire.

An infinite Yorkie bar just went on forever. How many chunks do you reckon you'd get through the infinite Yorkie bar? What, before I died? Before you died or you just gave up? I would not give up. Okay, before you died. Would you say when you did that,

you'd attack the chalk? Championi, championi, ole, ole, ole. What I would say... Well, you admit that I'm the championi now. Yeah, you are. You are the champion. I would say that Joe didn't enjoy it the first time you did that. Yeah, I do admit that.

Yeah, I knew that it was going to go badly. Joe thinks that I'm making fun of his thing, which I'm not. But I saw attack the chalk there. It was more in front of me. And I just wanted to do it again. Yeah. Mainly because I wanted to sing championi. You sang it beautifully.

I joined it with me the first time I did it. Yeah, but then the second time... I really got the sense that Joe didn't enjoy it, so I thought James would go back to that. Well, I just feel alienated. You know, I know, I did a podcast. Alienated? Right.

And we developed weird shit that only people who listened to the podcast would know. Right, we had this call and response thing. Yeah. Steven. Yes. That's Steven. Other people would shout.

Just coming. And if I did it, or like I was at a venue and someone I was with didn't know the podcast, and someone shouted, Steven, just coming. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah. So just that's how I feel. Be far from that when you feel championi.

I feel late to the party. Yeah. Well, to be honest, full disclosure, we recorded our intro for you before you got here. Yeah. I decided during the intro that if you were to... Because I was worried you wouldn't choose a pudding. Right.

If you chose cheese, you wanted a block of cheese, I would say a tap the block of cheese. And then I decided to say, and then I would sing championi afterwards. There was no reason behind it. So it's not a long running joke on the pod. Right. It literally happened before you got here.

I wouldn't even say it's one that I'm in on. Right. No, it's one of those things that I decided to do for my own amusement. And what did you expect from me? Oh, in response... You did exactly what... What did you want from me?

Oh, definitely I thought you'd be confused. Yeah. I didn't think... You got that. You were going to think I was being rude about your film. Oh, that's just my face. Which is what you... That's just my face.

...is what you originally said. That's just my face. And then I was like, hmm, I shouldn't do it again after that first time. It's what I said to myself in my head. I was like, well, don't do it again. But then when you were saying I would continue to eat the chocolate over and over the block,

and I would never stop eating this chocolate, I was like, it's chocolates. We're talking about blocks of chocolates. It's all there. But sorry, because I didn't want to make you feel alienated when you're the guest. Well, it's too late now. It's too late.

But I do apologize. That's why you apologize, right? Well, that's what we like to do. We like to welcome guests into the podcast. And then at the end of the podcast, so you don't feel like you're missing out on anything by ending, we immediately alienate you and make it quite a cold end.

What was my thing that I'm not allowed to say? Cornish pasty. I guessed that it might be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We didn't really think that one through. We've run out of stuff. So it's a gift, whatever. 200.

You're coming up to your 200th. Not far off. Not far off. A lot of podcasts. I can't wait. Thanks so much, Joe. Thank you, Joe. Thanks for having me.

Thank you so much to Joe Cornish for coming on the show. How exciting was that, James? That was extremely exciting. I felt like a naughty little boy sometimes. You were a naughty little boy, always. Very odd sometimes when you are speaking to someone in our audio format, when you have listened to them so much on an audio format.

Yeah. I occasionally found myself transported to just being, listening to the Adam and Joe show podcast. And it was odd for me. Yes. But a treat. Also, I find his voice very relaxing. Yes.

So, yeah, I'd be lulled sometimes as well. Yeah. But I think we did well. I think we were never lulled at the same time. Never lulled at the same time. That's us. Because that's what people say about us. We're all turned at lullers.

That's why we work well as co-hosts. Yeah. Because we never both fall into a lull at the same time. That's the best co-hosts and sort of partner presenting team. They're the ones who are alternately tuned out of what's going on. Yeah, absolutely. So, like, just then when you were talking, I went in a lull, but it was okay.

Thank you to Joe for not choosing KitKat Junkies. No, that wasn't the case. You've been lulled again, haven't you? Well, I remember what the secret ingredient was. Microwave vegetables. No, that's a different one. Cornish pasty. It's Cornish pasty.

Thank you to Joe for not choosing Cornish pasty. Make sure you watch Lockwood and Co. That is on Netflix now, Joe's new show. If a ghost touches you, you're dead. Yeah. And then you become a ghost? Yes, sir. And then you touch someone else?

We'll have to watch Lockwood and Co. to find out. I'm very excited to watch it. It sounds quite up my street, actually. Absolutely. Also, we've got some thank yous to do. I thank you so much to Origin Coffee for sending us a massive box of coffee.

Yeah. And also a cup. Oh, yes. It's a cool cup in there. Thank you to my parents. Doing a great job raising me. And thank you to Hallenmon Salt or Hallenmon. I'm never sure how to say it.

I'm so sorry if people would like to correct me or tell me how to say Hallenmon or Hallenmon or Hallenmon. I've been told as well. So just the salt from Anglesey. Yeah. It's fantastic stuff. Delicious.

The thing is they sent us some more salt. I love it. So I've got a pot of it on the side. Keep it in a little sealed pot. I've got another little pot of it because they also sell to Marks and Spencer's and I bought some when I was on tour to take around with me. Yeah.

I've got a big bag of it. And then in the cupboard the other day, I found a kilogram bag that I bought a couple of months ago. Right. So warning to all slugs. Don't mess with Ed Campbell. Do not mess with me. You'll be fizzing in no time.

That sounds nice though for them. Yeah, good on them. Joe, what if I was a slug and someone were to salt me? I'd like it to be that salt. Yeah. Hallenmon salt, please. And you can start putting that on your website. Yeah.

Even slugs love it. Yeah, even slugs love it. Or a quote from James Acosta. If I was a slug, I'd like that to be the salt. Yeah. So I'd laugh there just because Ed so quickly agreed with even slugs love it. Yes, even slugs love it.

Yeah. Thank you very much for listening. We will see you again next time. Bye-bye. Goodbye. Even slugs love it. Hello, it's me, Amy Glendale. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu

where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato. And our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case. Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience

to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the new stories that we've missed out from the North because, look, we're two Northerners. Sure, but we've been living in London for a long time. The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off.

And that's a new podcast called Northern News we'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glendale's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy. Is it?

Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.