Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 19: Gemma Cairney

Episode Date: April 10, 2019

We welcome Gemma Cairney – BBC radio DJ, author and presenter – to the dream restaurant this week. And it's not just a meal, it's a party.Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive Productions.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography) and Amy Browne (illustrations)Listen to Gemma Cairney's BBC podcast 'The Leisure Society'.Ed Gamble records his special at the Leicester Square Theatre on 12 May. See the Leicester Square Theatre website for details.Ed also plays the Hackney Comedy Experience with Josh Widdicombe, Suzi Ruffell and more on 11 April. See the Plosive website for details.James Acaster is on tour. See his website for full details.James’s TV show ‘Hypothetical’ is on Dave, Wednesdays, 10pm.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? Your order's ready. Your order's ready. It's another Off Menu podcast. Ha ha. Great stuff from Ed Gamble there. Oh, the Great Benito didn't seem happy with that. I produced the Great Benito. I look really angry at my intro there, James. Yes, well, the Great Benito should not be so angry. Should he? Sometimes. The Great Benito just has to hear an introduction and love it. Yes, I think it was a lady saying, your order's ready. And then you go up to the counter and you collect your podcast. This is the Off

Menu podcast, the podcast where myself, Ed Gamble and James A. Custer over there, ask a special guest what their dream meal is. Their favourite ever, starter, main course, dessert, side and drink. And today we've got the wonderful Gemma Cairney. Gemma Cairney. Six Music DJ presenter podcast extraordinaire. I think that's a wonderful way of describing you. Yeah. Very much looking forward to hearing what her dream meal is. Does she have any ingredients that we don't want to hear about, James? Good point. And I'll just check the list. Yeah, if she says whole peppercorns, she is out of here. As per there is an ingredient that if she mentions she's out of here, it's whole peppercorns. I hate them, James. What

an awful surprise. You're having a lovely meal, yum, yum, yum, biting away and then you're biting into a whole peppercorn and your life's ruined. Quite often it's a little red one as well. Yeah, do not like it. For danger, read a little danger ball. Yeah, but you know, what's the point of painting it? Maybe you can't even see it. It's always sneaking around. Sneaking around. Horrible sneaky peppercorn. So if she has any sneaky peppercorns in her meal, she's gone. But for now, let's listen to the wonderful menu of Gemma Cairney. Welcome to the dream restaurant. I do feel like I'm in a dream. Yeah, yeah, because I can't really see that many restauranty things. No, no, this is very much a restaurant of

the mind. Oh, yes. You can add in the all the restauranty stuff within your imagination. Ah, and like clockwork. Welcome. That's me appearing. I'm a genie. Hi. I mean, Gemma would have seen that anyway. Yeah. I'm a genie waiter. Welcome to the restaurant. Oh, thanks for having me. I'm happy to be here. Does it mean that you get to make some of my wishes come true? Absolutely. Well, it's got a food. Exclusively food based wishes. Food based wishes. Although no one has come in here and tried to make any other wishes so far. No. But it might be worth a try. But as far as I know, he is a food genie. Only food. Okay. I only do food. So I can do, you know, all of your favorite foods for your dream meal. Is there any other

food related wishes you have that aren't? Oh, I wish that we were allowed to eat naughty things all the time. Right. Yeah. All the time. Well, you are allowed to. It's just, I guess you've got to cope with the consequences of said thing. I wish we could get rid of those. And you know, now that we're in 2019, there are things that are just really not okay to eat. Yeah. But we grew up in the 80s and 90s. I'm guessing I did. And I'm going to let you to. So we have a penchant for certain disgusting things. Sure. I feel in our generation, I might be, I might be just like stereotyping whatever. But if you grew up in 80s and 90s, I would say in terms of probability wise, you're likely to, to sometimes crave McDonald's, for example. Uh-huh. Yeah. But it's just like

not the done things like it's unethical. Yeah. It's probably going to be me. That's not the thing anymore. Like it's all processed. It's, it's just not good. But that's what you'd like. For nostalgia. For nostalgia sake. Yeah. I gotta say one loves a Big Mac. Yeah. One loves a Big Mac. I, I, I, it's weird, isn't it? Because McDonald's is sort of frowned upon now. But it was one of the original fast food places. But still, like, there's like junk food places and fast food places that are as bad for you as McDonald's, but they're like trendier. So people are like, oh yeah, we'll go to Patty and Bun or whatever. That's fine. But we won't, we don't go to McDonald's. It's like, come on. Basically the same thing. Did you see the, the film, The Founder

about the, about the guy? I've not seen it. Yeah, I liked it. Well, no. What a great review, James. Actually, I didn't like it. But like, I liked a part of it. There was a bit that was great about the two people who properly founded it, the brothers. Yeah. And that's an amazing story. And they do it really early on. And they like meet Michael Keaton's character who's this like, you know, this hustling guy and he wants to, he thinks their burgers are great and he wants to go into business when they ask them how they started and they, they moved their business across the country and actually decided to move the building that they were making hot dogs in at the time, but then they changed, they could change the burgers. And so they got the building itself,

put it on the back of a truck and we're driving along and they couldn't get it under tunnels. Is that not true? Yeah. They couldn't get it under tunnels. And so they cut the building in half. That's why all McDonald's like to begin with just like one floor. Like bungalows. Yeah. Yeah. So like, because it could get through tunnels, they got it there, they started it up. They invented the whole concept of fast food. They had to work it out themselves, how to like, you know, have a system that gets it out quick. They got all this, the staff and practice on a tennis court, like an empty tennis court together with like my minute, my minute making burgers, time in it and stuff like that. Really passionate and did it. And then the rest of the film is watching those two brothers

get their lives just stripped away from them and get erased from history. And that's a bit you like. That's not the bit I like. I cried at the story, their story in the cinema. I cried. There was a bit when they were making, miming, making the burgers. Yeah. And I started to weep because I found it so moving. I didn't know his brother. So it's Ronald and No. And his brother. No, no, no, no, no. That's what I was imagining when you were talking about that. I was imagining Ronald McDonald driving a truck with the building on the back. Is Ronald McDonald's even allowed anymore? Oh, I don't know. Oh, why not? I don't know. Is he problematic? I don't know. Is he? Just his look is kind of problematic. Is there some historic? Is it problematic

look? Ronald McDonald? We're talking about the clown, aren't we? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't see why Ronald McDonald's might not be like, he's scary. Yeah, he is. Scary looking. Unless there's some sort of historic allegations against Ronald McDonald. I don't think they're real. No. Sure. He does seem like an unsavory character. Yeah, hanging out with a burglar for a start. If he was somebody who lived on your street, you wouldn't let anyone you knew hang out with him at all. Yeah, that's fair enough. Yeah, it's to be fair. I don't know what I'm talking about. I kind of my addressants could be described quite similarly to Ronald McDonald. Yeah, people can't see you, but your address is Ronald McDonald right now. I thought that's why

we were confused. He looks crazy. So would you like still a sparkling water, Gemma? I'm going to go for sparkling, please. Sparkling, lovely. Always go for sparkling? I like to. I'm classy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a reason why. Why do you prefer it? Because it's a little bit like having a fizzy drink. Yes. Well, it is a fizzy drink, but you know, the sort of treat element of a fizzy drink. So it's... It's the treat of the bubbles. I actually like letting fizzy drinks go flat. Have I said that on the podcast before? I'm not sure if you have. Why? I have, Ben's nodded. Paulie said it. Yeah. It's clear you didn't get enough traction the first time. I'm putting it up again. It's important to me. I don't like letting fizzy

drinks go flat. I think that's a badness. I love it. Someone has to deliberately do it. Open them before I'm going to drink them. I just leave them out. That's weird. That is weird. Leave them to go flat. It's good for your tummy. If you've got a bad tummy, do that with Coke. Oh, yeah, sure. That settles your stomach. Yeah, I do that. But you don't do it for that reason. You do it because you're bonkers. Yeah, I like it. I like it. I like it refreshing. I like fizzy drinks cold and fizzy. It's like a party in your mouth, isn't it? It's a party in your mouth. Yeah. Yeah. So that's sparkling water. You're basically getting the party started mouth-wise before you've had any food. Yes. That's the things that I don't

really like parties. So that makes sense. Why don't I like fizzy drinks? Oh, it's not got a party in my mouth. It's so hot. I've got to stand in the corner and avoid everyone. Oh, God. It's like I've gone clubbing in my own head. Yeah. Why is it so noisy? Can't we just sit down and have a chat? I hate this party. Right. So you've got the party started. I'm going to go with poppadooms, please. Yes. People rarely go for poppadooms and it warms my heart to hear it. You go for poppadooms. Any reason why? They're like giant crisps, aren't they? I mean, they are. I'm like that. Yeah. I'm about to say that material. Yeah. They're made of that same material. It's so articulate today. Tasty, right? You've got to love a giant crisp that you can dip

into things. And I love dips as well. I love condiments. So can I have some dips with that? Absolutely. You can have some dips. What dips do you want? So the regular poppadoom dips or just any dips in the world? Any dips in the world? Oh, this is good. This is left field. I like it. You'd like to go outside of the, what dips would you like? I don't really believe in food rules. I always say this to my flatmate. I'm like, don't abide by the rules of what's meant to go together. And does it mean? Is that as soon as she wakes up and you're standing over her bed saying that? Dressed as Ronald McDonald. Don't abide by the rules of what's meant to go together. So you're very much treating the poppadooms like a big crisp. Yeah. Like a Dorito or something that

you would dip into. How tasty is that? That sounds great. What dips? A guacamole. Yes, please. You really do not abide by the rules. Yeah. Love it. So guacamole. I can't believe all of your faces. This is great. It's pure shock. This is amazing. This is great. We love it. It's so funny though, but it's not controversial. Whoa. I don't think anyone's ever dipped a poppadoom in some guacamole before. No. So the world, we don't know what will happen when they make contact. So you want some guacamole? Yeah. And you have a dip she would like? Because this is already starting. I quite like a yoghurt based dip. So if we were to be more like rule abiding, a poppadoom would come with a chutney and a yoghurt dip. So I think it's called a raita or raita.

I'll have one of them as well, please, because that's going to be a nice neutral thing for my palate as I continue to munch. And get the guacamole involved. Yeah, baby. So we come to your starter. What would you like as a starter, Gemma? Well, I'm stealing my best mate's favorite starter, but they love this starter so much that I've started, like it's contagious. Yeah. But they have deep love, like a married couple who are very good friends of mine. They kind of like my family. They love a prawn cocktail. Okay. Nice. Yeah. And wherever you go, there's one on the menu it's going to make for a great day, a great evening. A very old school starter. Yeah. One of the original starters, I'd say.

Yeah, it's quite 70s. I rarely have a prawn cocktail. I think it fell out of favor so quickly, but I think it's, is it in again? I think it's back in, right? Guess how many I've had in my life? How many? One. No way. My whole life. No. What do you eat, James? Somehow I find a nourishment elsewhere. I don't know anyone else's. You don't want a McDonald's. You don't want a prawn cocktail. You've never dipped a Papa Domino in guacamole. Here's why. I've had prawn cocktail crisps before I had a prawn cocktail and I loved them. Such, such great crisps. One of my favorite crisps growing up. So then I remember being in a place and seeing prawn cocktail on the menu. Yes. This is like my

favorite flavor and they bought it along. I was not ready for there to be lettuce in there. And what do you think it was going to be the dust from the crisps? I thought it would taste the prawn cocktail crisp and it absolutely did not taste like a prawn cocktail. No, but that's not the way around that it's gone wrong. They've, they've got that wrong with the crisp flavor. They've not built a prawn cocktail off the back of the crisp and gone, well, we've not really nailed the flavor. It's the crisp that's messed up. Yeah, absolutely. But I wasn't going to eat the prawn cocktail, then get angry at the crisp. Was I? You should. You should have done. And not eat. I had to just admit that prawn cocktail crisps are basically

tomato sauce flavored crisps. Yeah. And that's why I love them. And prawn cocktail is really not that. Where do you stand on cheese and onion? Because cheese and onion together doesn't taste anything like a cheese and onion crisp. Here's the thing, opposite. So I used to really not like cheese and onion crisps at all. Yeah. And so then I would avoid cheese and onion sandwiches. Right. And then once, probably I was in my 20s by now, probably late 20s, I was forced to have a cheese and onion sandwich because there was a, I was working on something and there was all the sandwiches were out and only ones that were left for cheese and onion are so hungry. I was like, I guess I've got to eat this disgusting sandwich. And it was delicious.

I absolutely loved it. What world are you living in where you eat crisps before you eat the actual foods? Did you only eat crisps from the ages of zero? I've never tried salt and vinegar on its own until after I had the salt and vinegar crisps, you know? Having that as a little taster, you're going, well, I really should try rice beef and mustard one day. Yeah. Yeah. Really, when all those fancy ones came out when they were doing the salt and vinegar and whatever. Actually, no, that's not one of the fancy ones. That's just salt and vinegar. They just changed the name. I was thinking about the ones where they did the, isn't that fact? I've never eaten Garry Linnaker before. Yeah, disappointingly, you've never met Garry Linnaker and he was

nothing like vinegar. Put a bit of salt on him, gave him a lick. Nothing like the crisps. Oh, dear Garry. Garry. Oh, we were talking about this in the pub last night because we were talking about the behavior of dogs and how they lick each other. Yeah. And then we were saying how sort of, well, we were debating whether it would be nice to lick humans in the same way. Lick humans is a greeting. He just reminded me because he was talking about licking Garry Linnaker. What did you conclude? We concluded that even though I like to stop saying anything goes, I don't think it is all right to just like greet your mates by licking their fingers. There are some rules you have to abide by, Gemma. Yeah. Yeah, food or otherwise. Yeah, I think it's probably not quite the one,

is it? And also, it just might not be very nice experience. No, no, because you don't know if you've just met someone, you don't want to lick them, you don't know where they've been, right? Yeah. Also, they're probably going to make you smell disgusting, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Humans lick them humans. No, thank you. It's not all right. Also, one friend who's like, yeah, gets very drunk and then licks your face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nowhere gets really carried away with themselves and just licks people's faces. Yeah, I think we've all got that. I think we've all got that friend. And it is Tim. We're just such animals really, aren't we? It's like when drunk, resort back to even being a toddler, or a dog. Yeah, or a little dog. Although, if that was the

situation that socially everyone would lick each other to greet each other, it would everyone's personal hygiene would be excellent. You would have. Yes, you would. Yeah. Everyone would use that original source mint shower gel. In their mouth. Yeah. In their mouth. Oh, no, I'm thinking of the liquor. I'm not thinking about what's going to be left on the licky. Your dental hygiene. Yeah. Dental hygiene would also have to be excellent. Everyone would tongue scrape. Yeah, tongue scrape. I've been getting into that recently. Have you? I don't think I've ever tongue scraped. Every now and again. Every now and again. A little tongue scrape. Yeah, yeah. What do you scrape with? Do you have a tongue scrape? I don't know why I'm finding them get so

funny. Actually, I probably don't scrape. I just use whatever. Yeah, it should have to prove really. Basically, my toothbrush. Okay. Just give it a scrub. I bought some copper iodervic. Yeah, sounds like I've been doing it wrong. Yeah, probably. I mean, it's quite a weird thing to do. Do you pop a scrape? It's all of them. It's making me feel a bit funny, even admitting it. But it's supposedly good for us. Right. Like just our dental hygiene in general. I can see why it would be. But it's like a sort of, yeah, it's just like made from metal and you just scrape your tongue. What does it look like? Is it like what you used to scrape out of a car windscreen? It's just a sort of a bit of bended

copper. I can't really explain it in a horseshoe. Yeah. And then you put it over the tongue and then drag it down. Yeah. Yeah. But it makes you feel a bit funny. It makes you feel a bit like yeah. Yeah. At least you now know you can lick strangers with confidence. Yes. Yeah. Which is what I'm very much in the market for. Yeah. This podcast is here to launch this episode. The prawn cocktail Gemma. Yeah. What sort of prawns are we talking? So I think of an old school prawn cocktail. I think of like tiny little prawns that have come out the freezer or whatever and are mixed in with like a cocktail sauce or whatever. But then more modern prawn cocktails, you'd expect to see like huge big ass prawns. Is that the sort of prawn you're going for?

If it's the dream, then I'm going to go for a big fat juicy prawn. Yes, please. With a really tangy Mary Rose sauce. Yeah. So it will have a bit more of the crisp. It will be a bit like crisp. You know, like, because the, you know, the crisps are quite like tangy, aren't they? So I want the tang. You want the tang? Yeah. And I want, and also the lovely thing about prawn cocktails is that it looks great. Yeah. It's just so lovely to look at. Especially if you get the big prawns and you like dangle them over the edge of the cup or whatever. Yeah. They've got their little tails. Yeah. A nice sort of, you use like a goblet almost or a glass and then you can see the Mary Rose sauce. It's lovely and 70s pink and then the big prawns. Oh, it's just, yeah. They look like synchronized

swimmers. Yeah. All fanned out. Like they've got their heads under the water. Yes. That's sort of that, Ed. He's satisfied with himself for that. It's a lovely description from me. And your main, your main course, Gemma, those is, you've gone 70s. I have a feeling, what I would love now is if you went 80s for your main, 90s for your side. You've gone through the decades. I love a good takeaway curry. Yes. I always have. Yeah. It's quite ritualistic to just get a big curry. And get your guacamole. Yeah. I mean, I am darting about, but we're talking about the drink, aren't we? Yeah, absolutely. You can do whatever you want from wherever you want. And I've always loved a madras because it's

like the perfect spice for me. I don't think I've ever had a madras. I think I've always been victim of that over masculinity, sort of 90s lad thing of having a really hot curry. And I don't think I've ever shaken that. Whereas I think I'd like a, is it quite spicy? It's quite spicy. It's just not going to blow your mouth off like how a vindaloo will. I would want to go vindaloo. I go gel frazy most of the time. If you like a gel frazy, you're like a madras. I'll go madras. I've not had a madras because they've not made the crisps yet. So I've not tried it yet. Fair enough. Are you going chicken madras? I'm going lamb. Lovely. Yeah, I completely agree with you. It's just so delicious. And again, I am questioning my meat intake at the moment. So I feel guilty

saying that lamb madras is one of my faves, but it just is. Yeah. Yeah. That's totally fair enough. Is there somewhere where you've had the best lamb madras? Like is there like a curry house growing up or whatever was your favorite? It's a good point. Not particularly. It's just a local place. Like there's not a particular one from a growing up. I've just always stuck to that. And also, I do travel a lot and I've lived in loads of different places. So it is good to have your comfort that is quite easily got. And you can usually find a lamb madras, a decent lamb madras anywhere in the UK. Sure. Are you having rice with that? Yeah. Mushroom rice, please. Mushroom rice every time. I normally, if I'm having rice, I go mushroom pilau. Yes, please. Oh, yes.

Really, really solid choice. Absolutely. I'm special. You guys, what? I've got special rice every time. Special rice? Yeah, yeah. Is that, they say this is your special rice for you. Yes, they say that. They tell me I'm a brave boy. You know what that is? It's all the leftovers of all the other rice all mixed up. It's nice, isn't it? Yeah. You know, peas. Yeah, peas in there. It is quite clever, though, isn't it? Mushrooms in there sometimes. Special. Because you don't, like, does it, look how happy, like, I just say that people listening know that James face is lit up with joy and the idea that it's special. You've got a special rice for a special one. Rather than anything that's in it, it's more the fact that it's called special. Yeah.

They're always peas in special rice. Always peas. I think, I think sometimes there's mushrooms. Sometimes I've had one special rice once, even had little prawns in it. Oh, that's quite nice. That's so special. That was very special. That's what's fun about the special rice. I never know what it's going to be. I find that too distracting, having all those things in it. You'll be distracted. They're not dancing around and doing stuff. No, but when it comes to the curry, the rice should be there as very much as a side dish to soak up some extra sauce, maybe. And, you know, you don't want to be bunging in all those things. Like a box of Lucky Charms.

You have looking at everything coming out. Look at who you're talking to, Ed. I mean, you know that if they offered Lucky Charms on a curry, I haven't. Yeah, absolutely would. And what side did you like with your curry, sir? Cookie crisp, please. Ah, delicious. Are you getting to choose the heat of this madrasi or is it just, like, standard? I would like it spicy, please. I mean, madrasi is, you know, when you get the chilies to indicate how spicy it is. My voice, they might be weird. If four is the spiciest, I reckon a madrasi is like a three, which I'm happy with. Yeah, that's a good, that's pretty, that's not, you're not show voting. No. But also, you're having a good time. I do like a spicy curry.

I really, I used to love it when I was little as well, because I think I was being a bit of a show off. Right. But, but I also know that it's annoying if you're just eating something that's too spicy and you can't actually taste it. You want to taste the lamb, right? Yeah. Yeah, you don't want to drown it in spice. And it's also really embarrassing, like there's, I've got a few distinct memories of going too spicy in various situations. And that sounds really weird. There is a Twitter account that someone set up for this podcast called No Context Off Menu, where they just take quotes from it and put and tweet it. And I think your quote of, I have a memory of going spicy in some situations. Yeah, you're in big trouble there, Gemma. We can't,

we can't do anything about it now. And also, I, when I was on radio one, I played in Uendo Bingo quite a lot. Have you ever seen that? I played it the other day. Did not enjoy it. It's kind of horrible, really, isn't it? We just get Chris Stark spitting on you. Yeah, it's great. Just put it into context that people don't know. It's where you sit opposite Chris Stark, who is the co-host of Scott Mills. And yeah, he had, you feel your mouths of water, like a chipmunk. So it's like, you are absolutely filled. And then they play a series of innuendos in terms of audio, but it can be from the telly or whatever, and try not to laugh. And some of them are incredible. And you sort of spit all over each other. Well, the thing is, yeah, you sit opposite

Chris Stark, you both got water in your mouth. And then they play a clip of like, you know, Mary Berry saying she likes plums in her mouth or something. And then, yeah, sure, it's funny. But the thing is like, I'm, I'm not going to laugh. Also, the first one, whatever it was, kind of funny, but I'm not going to just, I'm not going to fake it. But Stark knows that, you know, it's going to be a fun episode. So he knows, so he just immediately just, whatever happens, just spits a gob full of water on you. And you go, that's your actual spit, Stark. And what do we, does he scrape his tongue? I don't know. We need to ask him actually. Chris Stark, not a tongue scrape, but there's no way. But, but then, so then I'm just like,

basically, no matter what the innuendo was, just spraying water on him, because I was angry at him. So you weren't listening to the innuendos anyway. No, so we just spat water on me for God's sakes. He played it really aggressively. He spat it at him every single time. There you go. Halfway through, just, yeah, not even listening to what it was. It is quite a weird game. It is quite weird, but I played it a lot. And I'm just hoping that innuendo doesn't get in there. Don't too spicy in some situations. But I have a very distinct memory of eating a burrito with sauce that was too spicy. And just literally sitting with my mates and just like weeping. It was so embarrassing. I don't know what it is, because you just feel a bit like an idiot,

because you keep going, you're like, it's going to be fine. But it's just taking over every sense, and then you're just crying. Yeah, it shuts you down. That's that moment with each mouthful, where for a while it's not that bad. So you just keep eating, because like if I have another bite, it'll go back to being like fine again. And suddenly when I let it settle that I'm on fire, my life's awake in hell. I do kind of see why people get addicted to that though, because there's something like chili heads who are really into it. And when you start, when you get that little sweat on, like a little cold sweat, and you're properly like you're in the the thrall of the spice, I can see why that might be quite interesting.

It's like going to a sauna, sweating it out, purging. Yeah, and it's yeah, it's like in dolphins, it's like a rush. It's like being on a rollercoaster, but you're in just in a restaurant. Should we just all go out and eat some chili? If the fizzy water was like a party in your mouth, what is a free chili madras in your mouth? A livener. Just like sharpens the senses. So you're at the party anyway, because you got the water. So the mouth's a party, and you're like, let's take this up to the next notch. Who's arrived at the party? When the madras walks through the door, what human form is it taking?

All right, it's taking the form of Snoop Dogg. Snoop Dogg is the madras. Snoop Dogg is the madras. Here comes Snoop Dogg. Come on, that would be a livener. Yeah, that would be a livener. Sure, if you're in the party, it's Snoop Dogg alive. I feel like suddenly I've got a lot more energy. But what I would say about Snoop Dogg is I'm sure he's great at a party,

but I would never describe him as a livener. I feel like a lot of his public persona is actually quite relaxed for various reasons. Yeah, but he's Snoop Dogg. Yeah, everyone would definitely be like, oh my god, Snoop Dogg. It's Snoop Dogg. And suddenly the party's now buzzing. Yeah, like the swag of Snoop Dogg is enough. I'm imagining him, because he's a lamb madras walking in with a little lamb under his arm. Snoop Dogg with a lamb.

Yeah, I wouldn't even be that surprised, I don't know why. Yeah, he's got a lamb. He's got a pet lamb. He's called Snoop Lamb now. Check this out, you had it yet again. Yeah, because it wasn't he Snoop. Snoop lamb. Lion.

Snoop lamb. Snoop Dogg's lamb. Snoop lamb. Yeah, Snoop lamb. Like I just said, it's Snoop lamb. Snoop lamb's at the party. Snoop lamb. Good to see you all.

A bit of a livener for you. You're going to release this lamb into the room. What is your side dish, Gemma? Mmm. And you don't, what you don't have to do, because it's a dream restaurant, and we know you don't play by the rules anyway, you don't necessarily have to have an Indian side dish for this. Yeah.

Because you've got the rice, the rice is all in. We should've had pop it onto guacamole, I guess, no. This is hard, I have to think about this. Okay. Because it needs to be right. I'm having a really great dinner. Yeah, yeah. Snoop's in the room.

Snoop's hanging out. Snoop's there. I've got the sparkling water. I've got the 17s party. Yeah, I've had a really decadent 17s party. So in a place down the road to me called Olby's, it's called a soul cafe, and there's like lots of delicious food that you can buy. And one of the things that they do is called jalapeno poppers.

Oh yeah. Yes. So yeah, that's why I'm having stuffed jalapenos. So cream cheese in them. Yeah. Breaded deep fried. You're not calling this party down. No, this party, this party is only getting more lively.

Snoop Dogg better phone the fire brigade. Because I'm the fire remote. Yeah. Some would just set that up. Fire. Yeah, yeah. This is very... The lamp's wall has just gone up.

I hope you ordered a big old bowl of guacamole for the... Unless you got the guacamole with the chili flakes in it, in which case you're... Which I think you would, Gemma. Yes, I would. Let's face it. Jalapeno poppers. Now what...

So where was the place you mentioned? Olby's, it's called. Olby's. What is special about their pop? I love Olby's. I just like the space. So I live in Kent on the southeast coast in Margay. And it's quite sort of ramshackle,

weird, brilliantly weird place. And it's a good spot to know when you get to Olby's on King Street in the old town, that you're just going to be able to relax. And that they're going to play good music. And that there's going to be friendly people behind the bar. And that you can just order a bowl of Jalapeno poppers,

drink Prosecco and be relaxed. So yeah, it's just like about an atmosphere thing. Music being quite key. It's quite sort of smooth in there. Right. Got a lot of 90s R&B. And is that what you want at the... Is that what's playing at the party?

I think it might have to be, yeah. I think it's like the 90s R&B. I reckon he would. I reckon, again, he's not going to be particularly lively, but his vibe is going to be exciting. He's going to be on a special VIP table in the corner. Him and the lamb? Yeah, him and the lamb.

Yeah. And he's got a couple of magnums of shamps around him. Yeah. And he's like just riding it out, like grooving. So like just like nodding his head. And just like... Yeah, nodding his head. Is the lamb nodding his head as well?

The lamb is nodding his head. And they're playing the entire Destiny's Child writings on the wall album. Right, great. Which is epic and worth an entire listen rather than just picking one track. So we're just grooving. Destiny's Child.

Great. Eating jalapeno poppers. I was at a wedding once and me and my friends just realised it was just really funny to nod your head to every song. We couldn't stop laughing. The boy went on, every time it came, I just started nodding your head. It's really over-exaggerated. Whatever it was.

Yeah, nod your head to it. First dance. The longer that you do it for, the funny. Yeah, it's really funny actually. It's really funny. I'm thinking like yours. It's like... Just really going for it.

It's really like a puppet. It's like a cartoon character. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no... Like a... Yeah. You're thunderbird. It's what I've worked out as well,

is it's more fun if your face looks really worried. Yeah. Yeah. It's just... You have a little worried eyebrows. Nodding and panics about your own head. Try it yourself at home. Yeah.

Not long. Not long now. Not long to a podcast is even better. Yeah, yeah. People always have nodded along to our podcasts. I've been to the world. I've been to the world. Are you saying Snoop's going to have a big load of shampoos

that you like having the shampoos with the jalapeño poppers? Yeah. Is that going to be your drink of choice? I'm going to choose champagne. Yeah, I said prosecco is what I drink in old days. Right. But as this is the dream and Snoop's there. Yeah.

Yeah. And I've had the prawn cocktail, which has set the tone. Sure. I'm going for a champagne. You can't... Snoop can't see you drinking prosecco. Drinking prosecco.

It's true. And he's there with the magnums. I mean, the party's... The party's in your mouth. Right. Let's not forget. This is not a natural part. The party is in your mouth.

It's in your mouth anyway. Yeah. So you could... Yeah. You have the champagne because Snoop has the champagne. The only way you know that they're nodding their heads is because you're looking in the mirror with an open mouth. To see what's going on in there.

Also, I hope that no psychologists listen to this and sort of break down what it says about you. My entire career, I hope that no psychologists happen upon my work. I do enjoy that there's a VIP area in your mouth as well. It snoops in there. Yeah. Whereabouts in your mouth?

Would you put the VIP section of the party? Whereabouts do you think the... I've got a space where my wisdom tooth was taken out. Right. So I could... I had a crown put in. And so that feels like a pretty bougie bit of my mouth. Oh, yeah, yeah.

So I think it'd be around... It'd be around Snoop would want to sit on the crowd, wouldn't it? Yeah, yeah, of course you would. Yeah. Gemma? Where would I like to sit in your mouth? In your own mouth, where would the VIP... Well, it's the VIP section.

The important person. People who don't know it. This is so weird. The thing is I'm a tongue scraper. Yeah. Oh, of course. Probably somewhere all the time. Yeah, because when you look after your tongue,

it's like the red carpet of your mouth. Yeah. Yeah. It is. That's where the VIP section is. Perfect. Freshly scraped tongue. Oh, my God.

Snoop and a little Larry Lamb. There you go. Snoop and Larry. We've scraped it especially for you. Have a seat. Perfect. The VIP section. So you've got champagne in the VIP section

and for yourself for this meal. Yeah, for sure. Is there a particular brand? Let's just go tatty. Tattinger. Oh, yeah. Because it sounds a bit ab-fab, doesn't it? Sure.

A bottle of tatty, please. Yeah, it's quite nice. I enjoy Laurent Perrier champagne and that has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that they've sent us some bottles which I'll bring another time. I get headaches every time I have champagne. No, what a shame.

Every time. I don't even need to get drunk on it. Like, this next day I've got a headache. Oh, that's not good. Awful, yeah. Not fun. I always, yeah, I'm always like, I can't wait for a glass of champagne

and then after a glass of champagne, I'm like, I am far more pissed than one drink should make me. It's the excitement, though, right? Yeah, it's the bubbles. There's something about champagne. There just is. And it's a shame that you don't get to benefit from that because it's a really lovely ceremonial thing.

Oh, yeah. Pop! Yeah. First time I had champagne was Millennium Eve, 1999. Wow, what a night. I was 14 and I looked great. Everyone's having champagne. Can't wait and really disappointed

and didn't taste like champagne crisps did. Really bad. Marks and Spencers do Prosecco crisps now. Do they? Yeah. Get out of town, Marks. Mark and Spencer, actually. Both of them.

They don't taste like Prosecco, surprisingly. Really? Because it's a drink. So, well, yeah. I think that's a bit desperate, isn't it? Yeah, it's... I just think it is. Prosecco crisps.

They're sort of taking the Mickey out of us all. I... Champagne crisps, on the other hand. You'd be all right with those. And it's a quirk that I'm sort of like, okay. Yeah. Okay, that's kind of funny. Prosecco crisps. Yeah.

I don't even taste the Prosecco. Because everyone buys them once. Yeah. So, like, I wonder what this will taste like. And what does it taste like? Did you have them? I've had them. Sorry.

What did they taste like? I was calling Mark and Spencer desperate, not the people that buy them. No, I wasn't desperate. I was just trying them out. They were... They didn't taste like Prosecco at all. Exactly.

They just tasted too sweet. Yeah. Sweet crisps. No, thank you. I don't know what I was expecting. Biscuits. I thought you ate some biscuits, Ed. Oh, yeah. Sorry. Biscuits.

That's what they were. Chocolate biscuits. That's what I had. And you know what? I have seen them. I have seen them. But I feel like it's because Prosecco has become so popular. Yeah.

But they just take... Yeah, it's a passion. Of course it is. Yeah. But you would have champagne crisps. Yes, please. Yeah. Yeah, because that's like the proper deal.

Like, people only drink Prosecco, right? Because it's cheaper than champagne. Yeah. Right. That's true. I don't love Prosecco. No. Do you love Prosecco? No. I don't really like champagne that much either.

Okay. I wouldn't choose it. I'd only take it if it was on offer. Do you say champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends? Do you ever say that? What's this? Champagne for my real friends.

Real pain for my sham friends. Yeah. It's a very... Have you ever said that, Gemma? Have you ever said that, James? Yeah. Do you say it every time that you have some champagne? Say it all the time? Yeah.

Yeah. Champagne for my real friends. Real pain for my sham friends. Yeah. It's a good catchphrase. It's a good one. Who's it? Is it Drake? Yeah. I think... Yeah. It's Drake.

Is it? No. But like, I don't really know who it is. I don't know who coined it originally. It's good. It's a good one. Imagine being there the first time someone said that. Oh, they'd have lost their minds, wouldn't they? It was... They'd raise their toes.

They'd go, champagne for my... They planned it in advance, so it occurred to them as they were saying it. Champagne for my real friends and real... Oh, man, guys. Listen to this. Right. Okay. I'm going to go back to the beginning again. Real pain for my sham friends.

You know Dudley in the office? He's a sham friend, isn't he? Oh, yeah. Oh, good point. Dudley is a sham friend. It didn't work as well as the day before. He was at a party they had Prosecco. Yeah. Real Prosecco for my friends.

Pro... Sensor. Prosec for my bad pro friends. Oh, please still hang out with me. Guys, I just... It was every drink they've ever had, eventually, one day. It worked out. I do think it is nice to toast random things, though.

Yeah. So, not just drink your champagne all the time, but if you are with your mate and you've got a cup of tea... Yeah. ...and you feel like you want to celebrate something... Can we toast it? ...and have a cheers of your tea or... Yeah.

Are you a strict eye contact when cheers in person? I try. Yeah. It's not worth the risk, is it? Yesterday, when we were cheers, and believe it or not, there were people who then goes, oh, we've got to do it. So, you make your eyes really wide today when we cheers,

to be like, I'm doing it. Everyone, don't have a go at me. Yeah. It's quite threatening, actually, I'd say. Yeah, it was quite intimidating. We went out for a meal yesterday, and they brought us some little bite things just to start. They were like cauliflower, cheese, little tart things.

Sounds right. And we cheersed all of those, didn't we? Cheers in the tartlets was great. Shall we cheers some tartlets? Yeah. That's right. That was very nice. Very nice.

And you cheers with a cup of tea? A cup of tea. I would cheers in the tartlet. Invite me next time. Yeah. A cup of tea for your real friends. Oh, no. He's obsessed.

Real tea for your cup of friends. We come to your dessert for... Oh, yeah, so... Final course. Because I've eaten quite a lot, I'm going to have a sorbet. What flavour? Mango, please. Yes.

Oh, it's happy. It's surely the only flavour to go for, really. Those sorbets have been getting quite jazzy recently. Too jazzy? Are you here to put a stop to the... No, I don't want to put a stop to it. I'm going to stick with it. It's the party over.

Yeah. Kicking everyone out. Neighbours are knocking on the door. Yeah. Spitting Snoop Dogg out. Yeah. Get out of there, Snoop. Oh, my God.

Yeah, so I think I've tried peach sorbet, black currant sorbet. So these are all nice. I wanted that list to go on for longer, if I'm honest, Gemma. I know, I know. Let's see how long Gemma can list sorbets for. But she's tried. Riveting stuff. Sorbet that I've tried.

Really is showing my 10-year broadcast career. Welcome to Sorbet that I've tried. Did you ever find yourself in a situation on like Radio One where you just had to fill some time and you ended up listing something? I'm sure there were many times like that. The sorbets, I'm sure. That's why the sorbets are the forefront of your mind.

Black currant sorbet, mango sorbet. Stop listing sorbets, Gemma. Anyway, here's the Arctic Monkeys. It's just a bit of, you know, beat poetry. Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah. There's subtext to it. If people would only listen.

Exactly. Why can't I have the space for my art? I wouldn't say black currant sorbet is that jazzy. Is that what you were talking about with the...? That's not that jazzy. But just like, I think you'd think of lemon sorbet and mango sorbet, right? As the two leading flavors.

The two main sorbets, yeah. But I do think that I've been to establishments that have a plethora of flavors that you can choose from. But I'm going to stick to a mango for this particular meal. Mango is so good. Do you remember the first time you discovered mango sorbet? I don't remember where I was the first time I had mango sorbet or indeed mango.

I mean, I think the first time you taste mango is a bit of a revelation, isn't it? Mango is amazing. And this is a fruit, but it's basically a chocolate bar. Yeah, yeah. And a sensory experience. Yeah, it really blows your mind. It's delicious.

Yeah. Absolutely delicious. Actually, I'm going to have a mango now. Just going to have a mango. Yeah, just a mango. Yeah. I love it. I love it.

It's ripe. Yeah. Oh, it's ripe. Oh, it'll be the ripest mango you've ever had. And it's got a lot of tissue because you get messy of a mango. Sure. Do you want us in the Dream Restaurant to prepare the mango for you

or just literally give you a whole mango? Give me a whole mango. And a knife? Do you want a knife? I'll have a knife. Yeah. How would you do the mango? So obviously, there's different ways of doing the mango.

If it's ripe, you could cut round and then get it off the stone and then do that weird hedgehog thing. Yeah. Where you cut it into squares and then push it out, like an inside out hedgehog. I think I'm going to be more like rock and roll about it. Just bite into it.

I'm just going to peel off a bit of the skin. Yeah. And I'm just going to eat it. Yeah. Yeah. Drown snooping that loud. Yeah. Bad luck, guys.

Poor Larry drowning in mango juice. I mean, that is not a bad way to go. Yeah, that's not a bad way to go. I love that you've set up this wonderful party in your mouth and now you have fucking Noah's arcing them out with mango juice. I can't believe it. Again, please, no psychologist breakdown because God knows.

My favorite sorbet, I want to do a little shout out because we, on one episode, Nish Kumar was on and we tried to bring back Kumar's cobbler because Nish, Jackson and I, Nish wanted them to bring back the peach cobbler. Okay. So they've taken it off the menu. Yeah.

I would like pitter-pitter. It's a chain mainly in New Zealand and Australia, but we've got like one, I think, in London maybe. Right. Pitter-pitter. Yeah. Used to sell, used to have lime sorbet that was my favorite sorbet I've ever had.

That's a bit jazzy. Yeah, that is jazzy, mate. I was jazzing it, but I loved it so much. Okay, I leave that. Every time I did the festival through the company festival in Auckland, I'd go to pitter-pitter and get the lime sorbet, walk around happy as Larry eating it. Happy as which Larry?

Larry the lamb. Larry the lamb. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's not in there anymore. So bring back Acaster's sorbet. Bring back Acaster's sorbet. Hashtag and send it to pitter-pitter. Tweet that at pitter-pitter.

Bring back Acaster's lime sorbet. Please. Right, Gemma, your order is... Yes. You would like some sparkling water, some poppadoms with guacamole as the dip and some traditional dips as well. Starter, a prawn cocktail nice in the 70s.

Main, the lamb madras with mushroom rice, three chilies. Side, jalapeno poppers from... Obies in mango. Obies, drink champagne. And for dessert, you would like mango sorbet slash ripe mango. I think we can let Gemma have both if she wants.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you can have both. That doesn't feel like two desserts. That feels like one nice dessert. Yeah, there's something I like about just... But just to write mango... Just being brought a mango in a knife is... Yeah. Just for the visual.

Yeah. A mango. Yeah, a mango is good with me. A perfect mango. Great, love it. Thank you so much, Gemma. Fasty. Thanks.

What a lovely, lovely meal. Enjoy. Party's over. Get out, Snoop. That was the menu of Gemma Cairney. Delicious. Really delicious. Well done, Gemma.

Yeah, some real comforting food there, I felt. And you know... That's the way she described it. Actually, very descriptive of the comforting feeling of it. Yeah, I liked it a lot. Also, no whole peppercorns in there. Not even any half peppercorns, as far as I'm concerned. So, thank you very much, Gemma, for that.

Also, Gemma's doing a podcast, a Six Music Podcast, The Ledger Society. It's available. Check that out. Yeah, you can download that, listen to that. Not if you're going to stop listening to this one, to listen to that one. No, no, if you do listen to another podcast,

please keep us playing in the background. At all times. I assume you all know you should be listening to this 24-7 on a loop. They know that, right? I hope they know that. Disloyal of them if they didn't. Also, you should be reviewing this, Five Stars.

And subscribing. Subscribe, yeah. Following on Twitter and Instagram. Yeah, at Off Menu Official. And also, come and see me and James live on tour. Yeah, also, here's something that doesn't get enough of a shout out. So, go onto YouTube. Sweet Home Keteringa is a series that I did

with the brilliant people at Turtle Canyon. It's very good. Sweet Home Keteringa. Oh, and also, go onto Bandcamp and write, In Luna Dot Rades the Bee Pigeon. Yes, you heard that right. Luna Dot Rades the Bee Pigeon. No R at the end of Luna.

And two T's on Dot. And Dot is the word, not the thing. Yep. And that is an album that I made with Rob Deering and some friends. It's bonkers. Yep. So, that's my plugs. An album and a YouTube series.

Yeah, I just do stand-up comedy. So, come watch me do that. Thank you very much for listening. Come back next time for another wonderful Off Menu. Hello, it's me, Amy Gladhill. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato. Our relationship's never been the same since.

And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case. Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News.

It's about all the new stories that we've missed out from the North because, look, we're two Northerners. Sure, but we've been living in London for a long time. The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them, crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News. We'd love you to listen to.

Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glill's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog.

You've left it so late.