Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 213: Harriet Kemsley

Episode Date: November 8, 2023

Superb stand-up Harriet Kemsley – as seen on ‘Live at the Apollo’ and ‘Hypothetical’ – has a table booked in the Dream Restaurant / cat cafe this week. Harriet Kemsley’s new special ‘Woman Child’ is available now on 800 Pound Gorilla and YouTube. Follow Harriet on Twitter and Instagram @harrietkemsley.Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast and I'm very excited to say that my book is out now, Glutton the Multicloss Life of a very greedy boy. It's a memoir but it's mainly about food, it's about my life and food. I'm very proud of it, I think it's very funny. Is it touching? I don't know, that's up to you guys to decide. But it is available everywhere you get books now and also the audiobook is available on Audible. I would recommend

buying both three times. Thank you very much, happy reading, or listening. A cast powers the world's best podcast. Here's a show that we recommend. In late 2007, the remains of a young woman from the caska nation were discovered in the Yukon woods. I always think about, I want to know what really happened. So I travel north to try to understand what happened and who was involved. It's a pretty big risk to come forward with the information that I have. I'm David Ritton and this is someone knows something season 8, the Angel Carlet case,

available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Today's episode of the Off-Menu podcast is sponsored by Kozy. Oh, Ed, are we talking Kozy modulus sofas here? Yes, we are, James. It's thoughtfully designed furniture made for modern living. I've often said Benito needs to get some Kozy furniture for the off-menu studios because

at the moment, it's hell. And this is the thing, I've coated modular sofas allowed the owners to easily elevate any space. This whole space needs elevating. We want to choose the designs that we like, configure the shape and number of seats for our space, pick our favorite fabric. This is what the studio needs, but need to please.

And we could add modules over time if our needs change. You know, there's not enough space in here. What if we have the whole of Westlife on the podcast? I want some new shelf said. Yeah, we should get some new shelves actually in here. Yeah, cozy of launch some new solid wood, modular shelving systems. Called the Altitude Collection, James.

They're super easy to assemble, and the installation can be done on any wall in a couple of minutes. But you might be worrying about the customer experience. I often do that when I interact with a new company. What's the customer experience going to be like? Well, no need to worry with Cozy. It's free and fast shipping on all orders and they have over 3,500 five star reviews. Plus, there's five year warranty and a 30 day risk-free trial.

And the customer support is human. It's not bears like you get in some of these places. Transform your living space today with cozy. Visit cozy.ca, COZY to start customizing your furniture. COZY Welcome to the off menu podcast taking the cucumber of conversation, putting into the vinegar of humor, adding the deal of friendship, sealing up in the jar of the internet, leaving for a few weeks and creating the pickle of podcasts. It's the pickle of a podcast. That said, gamble. My name is James A. Kaster. We own a dream

restaurant and we invite a guest in every single week and we ask them their favourite ever starter main course dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order. And this week, our guest is Harriet Kimesley. Harriet is an amazing comedian, James. Such a funny comedian. Always funny in the matter, what is to do and stand up, get on a podcast, get on a TV show. Just having a chat. Just having a chat. Yeah. Going to be the funniest.

Very excited to talk to her about food. Yeah, I don't really know that much about what food have it. But you can pretty much guarantee it's not going to be a normal conversation. No, it won't be normal at all. There's no way it'll be normal. Every time having it would come on a hypothetical that I did with Josh Whitaker on Dave, she would have the biggest

nightmare out of any of the guests. She would have a full on meltdown during it. So I'm looking forward to her having to choose what food she would like. Perfect. Harriet has recorded a special James. Yes. But we don't know when it's out. We don't know what it's called. No. And that's not our fault. It's not our fault. How it's not giving it a name. She doesn't know it's being released. It might be out now. It might be out now. Or it might not be out now. Obviously just go and follow Harriet on all forms of social media. Yes. And when that's special is out, she will post about it. Yeah, and it will be good. It will be good.

It'll be great. So, you know, do that. Also listen, we'll have in Hamier on the podcast, but as always, if she says the secret ingredient, which is a ingredient, we need to be unacceptable, by the way, then we will have to kick her out at the Dream Restaurant, she won't get any dinner. Yes.

And this week, the secret ingredient is caterpillars. Caterpillars. Caterpillars. Dried caterpillars. Now this is one you've selected, James. Yes. I went on the TV show the last leg. And they wanted us to try dried caterpillars. Yes. And that was a good sport. And I ate one. But the word dried has never been so accurate. I tried my entire mouth out. It was disgusting. No flavour to it. It was just dry flavour. It was the highest thing ever. Because a lot of people are talking about insects as the next big source of protein environmentally. This might be a good way forward. People are going to eat less meat moving forward, hopefully. So,

you're not saying you don't want a lovely roast caterpillar for some day lunch or anything. Look, I don't want it. But if it's, you know, our way of saving the human race at some point, then I'll eat whatever we have to eat. Yeah. Dip it in chocolate. Maybe I won't notice it as much. You love chocolate. Yeah. So that could be all right. But I said it on the show and I'll say it now, the worst part about eating a dried caterpillar is knowing that it's going to come out your butter butterfly. Yeah, so that could be alright. But I said it on the show, and I'll say it now, the worst part about you, you know, dried caterpillar is knowing that it's gonna come out your butterfly.

Ha ha ha ha ha. You're good value on that show, man. Yeah, I am, I am, I am, I keep, you know. Yeah, you're and you keep well done, you. But this, without further ado, is the off menu menu of Harriet Kenzley. It comes, Lee. You have Harriet Kensley. Welcome Harriet to the Dream Restaurant. Hello.

Thank you. Oh my God. Welcome. Harriet Kensley to the Dream Restaurant. I'm a bit of a specter here for some time. Thanks for having me. Hello. That was good.

That was a good reaction to the Jeannie. Quite often people come in here and are just like so non-plussed. It was quite me. Hello. That was good. That was a good reactions of the Jeannie quite often people come in here and are just like so nonplussed It was quite dramatic. Yeah, it's quite a dramatic thing to happen. I don't interrupt people most of the time You were trying to make you were trying to make me on edge. Yeah Because quite often we have people in here who we we don't know and you see James really trying to work out how he should do the Jeannie thing But as soon as you came and I I was like, oh, he's going to deliberately. He's really, really so I'll carry it. I'm going to try and make a jump. What do you do? You just go like, oh, no, no, no, still do the sound. But like, it is as campus that I say. I'm waiting till, you know,

often they'll go, well, thank you for having me or whatever. And I wait for them to finish that for and then you go and then you go, but no, like this one I'm here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sometimes we have our mates on. Yeah, and I get to just be like, I'll call him, just be a bit more cheeky. Yeah, and James has clearly decided that he finds you funnier when you're slightly on edge. Yeah, I know this is a thing. Yeah, it's quite stressful. You can never really relax. Does that happen in your life a lot?

Do a lot of people do that to you? Yeah, like jump out from things. Like there's Adam Latter, like he won't spend like a whole summer just jumping out from places at me. Just, and it really puts you on edge. Yeah. It really, like, makes your whole day kind of tense. Are you worried now that he's going to jump out?

Yeah, well you might be like, I managed to block it out and then I'm like, oh my God. Where is he? So yeah, I don't love it personally, but people seem to enjoy it. So you know, you seem stressed, you seem to need it, these stress. Yeah, I love the compromise that you're like,

I don't like it when people jump out of me, but they enjoy it. So you know, got to deal with it. You've got a thousand yard stair. Yeah stair, deepest exhale I've ever seen. I'm one of those who this is like, you know, we're asking you to dream me along this podcast. It's not real. It's just like what your dream meal is and you don't have to

actually eat it and all this. But, you know, back when we adjusted hyperfetical, we had you on it about three times because you were the only person who couldn't differentiate between hyperfetical situations in real life and you would get stressed as if it was really real and you had to do it You were never clear on the rules about whether that would mean you would now have to do the thing after the show Even after you've done the show multiple times. I just I really get into something and then it's hard to kind of focus. I'm quite worried about this, especially because I don't think people often like my choices,

not like live choices, but like food choices. Yeah. But that's fine. This is, you know, the subjectise all about you. Yeah. No one's going to be criticising apart from me and James and all the listeners. Yeah, great, great.

You just work better going to social media there for again. Okay, okay, that's fine. That's probably healthy. Yeah, yeah, great. Use what better going to social media there for again. Okay, okay, that's fine. That's probably healthy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've probably done me a favour. Yeah, it's a good way of cutting that off, cutting off at the source. I hope other people don't think that jumping out on me is a nice thing after listening to this now,

because I've reached my feel of people jumping out on me. Yeah. I don't want this to become a thing, because you've seen people that would start like a thing. I'm not recommending to the listeners that they jump out of you. Yeah. Wait, if you don't know Harriet, I think that takes on a whole different. Thank you.

That's quite terrifying. Yeah. If the day this comes out, you walk out onto the street, like Oxford Street, and it's completely empty because everyone, everyone's hiding from you. Yeah, yeah, that's when you know. I mean, that's when we know this podcast is a hit. Yeah. But I'd say any

listeners just don't, don't jump out of how to, you know, no, it's not cool. Just like it's not cool. If you don't know someone to shout pop-odoms or bread in their face in the street, well, I should walk past them, you know, for example, or it, or it, or it, just, just just show it. Or in their shows that are unrelated to the podcast, for example. Yeah, yeah. When they're not even the one who says it. Yeah. Yeah, so just like those things aren't cool. I did say that really angrily at a show once. Yeah.

Oh, it's neither my catchphrase. Yeah. Who is it? It doesn't like your food choices. So there's someone who can take them in your life who... Yes. Well, everything I like gets discontinued because it's not popular, which I think is a sign

that really people aren't into it. Which I think is a sign that really people are into it. And I really get into something and I will eat the same thing like every day and then it will suddenly disappear. We're going to need a list of these discontinued things. Unless they're on your dream menu, these discontinued things. No, there was a sandwich at M&S. It was in a p-debred thing. It had roasted vegetables and mint yoga. I had that every day for maybe two years and then just one day disappeared.

Every day for two years? Well if I was new in Eminence. Yeah. I didn't go out of my way to go get it. If you're at home I wouldn't be like oh gonna go to Eminence and get my sandwich. I would just make make something at home but yeah anywhere that I was near somewhere that had it then I would have it. So you think I was creating demand, but I wasn't enough. Yeah, I'm not sure one sandwich every day for two years is enough to keep a sandwich going. Yeah.

Maybe you gave it a few extra months because everyone keeps liking it. Yeah, it was like. It's one person that really needs the sandwich, yeah. We keep selling them and one a day and it seems to be following how it comes these flu on tour. What they should have done is jumped out every time you had one so you dropped it all

over the floor so you had to buy another one. Yes, that's what we needed. Yes, sandwich chaos. Yes. So what else has been discontinued? Tap clear? Were you a big tap clear fan? What is that?

It was the clear soda. Oh, is that the one that was red? No, wait, no, there wasn't clear one. Okay, Harry, let's examine that. Okay. Wow. It was like Coke, wasn't it? It was like a cola, a clear cola. That's not it. No, it wasn't cola, but it was clear. No, it was the red drink. Okay, Taz, Robina. Taz, Taz, yeah. Yeah Yeah, ties either. Yeah, it's enough to continue. Yeah, it's enough to do that. Tab clear, and they stopped doing that.

Yeah, yeah. So just just just just just just figure things that have been discontinued. Yeah. Yeah. White chocolate cocoa pops. No. That wasn't anything. Exactly.

They did that for a really short time. I think banana, crispy's. I absolutely hate bananas. I absolutely hate bananas. Banana cocoa pops. Banana like rice, crispy's. Banana, no. No, banana. It's like it's vice crispy. Banana, no, no.

No banana. It's like, it's like genuinely a phobia, I think, yeah. Real bananas as well as banana flavor. Uh, banana flavor is actually better than actual bananas. Right. Like there's like the thought of a banana in a like a waste paper basket is. Yeah, that's too specific for Ed. It's good. He nearly choked on the drink. Sorry, I was having a sip of water.

The sort of banana in a waste paper basket. You know how it creeps out like, like, Belloid, or it could be like, over the side, like the way that it like, splays itself. Yeah. So someone, if you saw someone throwing from across the room of an artist in a waste paper basket.

And this is another thing where people would know that like, they find it funny to like wave them in my face because they know that I don't like it. But like it's genuinely, I just don't trust it. What about in a cartoon when someone slips over on a banana skin? How do you feel about that? I see all the gins of your craft. I see all the gins of comedy.

See original comedian the banana skin. You say you don't like it? You wouldn't have a job if it wasn't for that. You've got maybe it's my enemy, you know, maybe that's what it is. It's like, it's like that's my kryptonite, maybe that we work against each other. And I'm just trying to genuinely walk down the road. Yeah.

And then there's a banana peel. What would you do if banana skin jumped out of you? I would, I would really be bad. But like a costume would probably be fine. It's the way that they turn brown sometimes. Yeah. And then like the texture and then the inside. The stringy bits.

Yeah, and how people eat them, I just find so upsetting. What do you mean? Well, they just like, I don't know, like they just eat it, it's just like, like, I don't know. How they eat them. So none of this is about the taste of banana. Well, I think one of the things is I'm allergic to a lot of fruit. I actually think I'm not allergic to be in bananas.

So it's unfortunate that I don't like banana, but yeah, I just, I don't like how they peel them and they eat them like it just like they hold it. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone went in the world. But some people, what do you think about this? Because this is how monkeys do it. And then some people copy this, hold the banana the other way around. Once we'll be upside down. So they hold it by the stalk bit

No, so so it's like a little handle and then they peel it at the top and they it makes more sense because then you get the little spiny bit out the top Yeah, you've got a little handle. Yeah, I don't even yeah, I um, I don't even know if I know what the spiny bit is like I really Stay away from them. Well, you get down to the bottom of a banana. You get the little I've never got a black You don't know what's happening in the bottom of the banana. There's a little spike at the bottom of the banana going into the banana to keep it in. Yeah, it's not for me. Yeah, when they were designing the banana, they went, we're going to need a little spike in there to keep it in. Yeah, keep it in place.

Okay, so there's going to be no bananas on this. No. So you don't like the thought of the banana vice crispy that I had as a kid that got discontinued. The flavor thing I can kind of handle, but then it makes me think of a banana. And then that's that's so fun bananas, which banana flavor, but they're in the shape of bananas.

I could handle it, but I'd rather not. Yeah, that's fine. See, this is a very menu. We're not going to force a phone banana. Just getting a feel for you. Yeah. At the top of the episode. We're not going to force a phone banana. Just getting a feel for you. At the top of the episode. Now we wanted to promote your new company special that's being released. Yes.

But time of recording, we're doing this May, it's coming out in the autumn. This episode's coming out in the autumn. But right now, you say that you don't know exactly when it's coming out and you don't know what the title of the special is, even though you've already filmed it. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Two big things that I really should come into this knowing, but I don't.

Well, come up with it during the course of this episode. Okay. Yeah. That's that's that's that's that's a banana in a white paper basket. No, absolutely nothing to do with it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I did it. If your head coming up a white paper basket and there's a banana peel hanging off the side of it, if a banana peel hanging off the side of it.

If a banana peel was to touch me, I would lose my shit. Yeah. Well, that's why would you say that? What if Adam Mart has listened to this? No, don't. I feel like I have told a few people about my banana thing because people use it against me because they find it funny, but it's really not funny.

I just want to say it is very serious. Fobia, and please. No, no, no. want to say it is very serious. Fobia and please, please. No, I'm going on. Please don't use it against me, just so you can have a laugh. Yeah, yeah. Please, just let me live my life without growing bananas at me. The second desperate plea to the listening audience, yeah, haven't even got into the menu.

Haven't even asked you what you want. Yeah, don't drop out of me. Please, don't touch me with a banana. Please send me any of these things. I know I see them, I can easy target the fair game, but I'm not, I'm a person. Well, you know, do you want to promote the special anyway? Oh, yeah, it's all combing out.

It's the best stuff, right? Yeah, it's the best stuff. So it's like two shows combined, but then it doesn't necessarily have a story. But then I guess like it's about me So I guess I'm the story you're the story about And it's just oh I'm the story. I'm the story Happy good. That's a funny title for the standard special

Okay, we got one we got one story We've got an under-and-a-way spaper basket as well. No, we don't Stop saying that because every time I get an image than I think about it So why every time he says it? Yeah, I'm alright. Do you have a fibro of bananas? I'm a little hyper food. That's your favourite. I had to this morning. To how did you eat them?

With my mouth. I peeled them. I am the right way around. Because if you cut them up, then I can kind of handle that, for eating it. What about mashing them? I'm on this. No, thank you. No, that's a really bad mind.

I didn't know. Even though you queued it up as to what you were doing, half way through, I was like, what's James doing? Lea, the banana. Yeah, I know that, though. It's smaller than your fault, the banana one. Yeah, you're other arm. I don't know what your other arm is doing as well.

That was involved. Fucking monkey. What was it doing? It was like doing it like it was like a bit of accordion. I was wanking off the second banana. Get it, get it ready for my mouth. Right, we always start with still a spark that water. Yeah, we're going to sparkling, please.

It's just more fun. It's just more fun. Also, I will have tap sparkling. You just got to do it, you know. Sparkling tap. If it's sparkling is on tap, I mean, because then you don't feel guilty, like, it's really good. I have a problem though, why I drink too much water

and I actually have to be careful. Because my mom, it became like a compulsion and then my mum saw in this morning that people can die if they have too much water and so. Did you show that this morning? Did you mum see something about drowning and we can talk with it? Every time I have a drink, she's like, how are you up to be careful? I think you can drown in your own body.

That's what I mean, you can. That's true. That's happened to people. But I wouldn't say it's necessary for your mum to say every time you have a drink, how are you, be careful. Yeah. Why do you want to give me a look? Yeah, why you want to. So the always completely understand someone when you're here,

just one thing about their parents. Oh, that's why every time you give me a walk, you're like, how do you be careful? You'll drop down on your own potty. You'll drop down on your own potty. And you're mum saw that on this morning. She saw it on this morning and then she was like, I think you have that problem.

And then it made sense because if you have too much it can make you quite like headed and like a bit confused apparently. And then that is kind of the state that I live in. And so I think it is too much water and I've tried to cut it down. And I've cut out squash because that is kind of the state that I live in and so I think it is too much water and I've tried to cut it down and I've cut out squash because that was part of the problem I think so I can't have squash Okay, immediately in this episode because we've done so many of these episodes now Yeah, and I know James so well now. I felt James coming at a lower energy than he normally does because he knows that

You're absolutely gonna handle the rest of this episode You're gonna bring so much to it. rest of this episode. Yeah, yeah. You're going to bring so much to it. It's fine. Every 10 seconds there's something insane coming out of your mouth. Basically, I'm not going to pay attention. Every now and again, I'm going to tune in and just repeat the last thing to say because you've got it squash.

Sorry, how much water were you drinking? Are you drinking that means that you're getting lightheaded and confused? It's less now, but there was so much I had to talk to the doctor. I was being too much, I had the problem, and then they were like, you just have to control when you, P and you have to try and build it up, I think you can go long, come between pee. I thought the doctor said, he gave me a schedule. He gave me a schedule. Yes, yes, I have to try and like, I have, even if I think, oh, I should pee,

I have to be like, no, no, no, it's not time yet. And then I have to try and try and delay it. To lay it, rather than keep going, because then you're glad to think you need to keep going. Uh-huh. What, how old were you when this happened? I was like, it was like three years.

So what was it, can you remember your schedule? Well, they were most genuinely worried of what they said, keep it, like, so start with once an hour, and then we'll put it up from there, and then try and go like every two hours. Yeah. And then ideally you want to be going less than that throughout a day.

So how much, if you don't mind me asking, how much were you paying? So it was, it was more like a nervous thing. It was like, if I had to leave the house, then like three times in 10 minutes, which doesn't, it doesn't make sense at all because I've just been, but then I was like, oh, I should go. And so then it was becoming multiple times And I was like maybe I've got a problem then he was like you given yourself the problem Yeah, and you've got to try and cut back so I've had to cut back water and peeing. Yeah But now you're keeping all the pee and you know there's more of a chance you'll drown in your own body

Johnny your own Oh my god. So, you're trying to do a, you're the people fill up your body. Yeah, because if you're going that often, there's no chance you're going to drown in your body, right? That's it, yeah. You're getting rid of it all, but now you're filling up more because you're really, you're rolling the dice. But you're drinking less water. I'm drinking much considerably less.

And you've got, because how much water you drink in now that you've not answered that? Look, I've barely touched this. That's the last one if you can. But I did I did drinks at some drink on the way here. Yeah, yeah, so you're still not letting us know Is that the how much water you're drinking today? It's it's what it's very reluctant to Yeah, it's it's a probably like a few liters of water and then like some soft drinks and then like some coffee and some tea Yeah, maybe a wine and And it adds up throughout the day. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But what easily was? It was much worse. It was like seven points of squash a day. And that's just squash. What was your go-to squash flavor? Like the orange and bar, I quite like the orange, not no, actually not the orange one, the peach one. That was when I like different, really like orange or the peach one That was when I like to really like orange to the peach one

But then I'd have to cut it down because I was like I'm drinking so much so I'd have like half the amount It was like very weak, but then I think I was just addicted to squash I think you just get used to the taste you're looking at me like I'm crazy But I feel like no, no, I'm just enjoying it. I'm gonna wash over me. You know when you drink too much squash You yeah, huh? Do you want to drink too much squash? Do you have squash? Yeah, we've got it in the house now. Yeah, but you can just have it there and you don't. I'm not really into it. Sorry, but my girlfriend loves it. Yeah, how much does she have?

I could pint a day. Wow, she can really keep it under. She wants the doctor, Gavra Shedgel. Yeah, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great,ule. Yeah, great, great, great. We don't have squash in the house. I used to be a big squash guy when I was a kid. He's a lot squash, but I would be like, that's pretty much how I took my water in now. Straight water. Straight water, yeah. I'll be like, I've not drunk water in a while,

down to the sink, down a pint. Yeah. But then I go to the toilet, right? It's probably, I think. Okay, yeah. How many times do you go? Hmm. I probably go more than average, I'd say.

But, you know, I've probably been for two since I've been in the building. So that's two and a half an hour. Oh, you've got to watch. Really watch out. I could go. I could, if I wanted to, I could go again now. Oh, yeah, I could go now.

Yeah. I'm just waiting. James? I couldn't go now, but famously, I, you know, I rarely get through a whole episode of how desperately need an appeal and having to ask the stop and invent, but he was like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, Very dry. Yeah. I urgently have to piss now. Wow. Yeah. And that's my two settings.

Yeah. So my two settings are absolutely fine. And then suddenly, oh shit, oh no, Jesus Christ. But if you listen to Harriet's doctor, that's probably good. No, actually, that sounds bad actually, because yeah, that's not an anxiety. Or maybe you're not connected with your body. You're not listening.

Maybe your bladder isn't connected to you in any way. It's just floating around in there. Little separate guy. Yeah. Yeah, got a little loose bladder. Yeah, probably got a little little LLV. I imagine. I mean, definitely something's wrong with me. I often think like, you know, you're 38 now, and this is hitting you with the back. Imagine when you're an old man, I'm scared. Just going to have to get a bag, I think. Yeah, I think I'm going to have a bag. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I've either have to be very open and proud of,

as a celeb, I'm gonna have to be very open about that, you know, with the public and normalize having a bag. You know, you'd be an ambassador. Nice, could you actually, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm gonna have gone all the talk shows about it. Do or do the press tours. Go on this morning.

Go on this morning, talk to them about. Yeah, do the press tours go on this morning gone this morning talk to them about Oh, my mom I'm sorry Obviously me looking forward to that for a while. Yeah, I read doesn't like people jumping out I was really loud you did with that quite well. Yeah, yeah, I think did because I was like what is happening It was just like it felt like it was a personal thing about you rather than me. Yeah, or actually, you're the first guest to correctly interpret that. I'm saying, everyone else gets scared, but no one else goes. This is more about him than it is about him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't take it personally because I knew it was your own thing, you know. Yeah, he's dealing with some stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need to work for it. Yeah, he's worried about his bag. Yeah. I don't worry about it in the future. So I think it's gonna have to be bread

I'm a big pop-it-on fan actually, but and and I need all the dips, but I think on this occasion I'm going to go bread Good, so serious. Wow, you're a politician all the time The energy, you change the energy in the room perfectly. I'm just, I'm nervous because I think people are going to get mad with my food choices. And so I'm really trying to gain goodwill before what happens later. So you think the way to gain goodwill is by calmly saying, calmly just saying bread, just trying, just trying not to make a big deal about it. Just some bread. I like it when they have the olive oil

and then when I learned how to put that balsamic, you can put a dot in the middle. That was, it felt so glamorous. When you say learned. Yeah. I was also going to hold it on that. Do you mean the existence of being able to do that? Or do you mean the technique of putting the balsamic into the oil?

Would you know when you have some oil and then you take, you take balsamic and then you put it in and then you they they're separate and then you have the balsamic in the middle and then the oil of oil. Yeah, I do know. We both know that. The that. Yeah. The question that I'd ask him, which I thought as well, and I'm always speaking as behalf, many of you have also thought it in his head, was when you said, when you learned to do it, yes. Does that mean you learned that you could do it

so you started doing it? I was capable of it. Or that you learned the technique. So they couldn't do it properly. So that, originally, you were plugging it in and overflowing it with bounce and then you had to learn the technique of doing it and getting the dots. Yes.

Or did you learn that it was even a thing that you didn't know that people were doing that. And then you learned about it and then when you started doing it, it was great. And don't just explain oil and pass on. If you do that again, you're off the podcast. It feels like there were a few questions there. No, it was one question, it was well, but we have to have a fight. Well, we gave you two options to choose the one of them. I think I first saw oil and vinegar next to each other.

Yeah. And then I didn't really know that it could, that they could stay themselves, but together. Yeah. And then... Okay, yeah. Maybe I saw, I saw it for the first time. And then I thought, wow, that's crazy like how they did that.

And then I saw somebody do it in front of my eyes and I was like, this is some magic shit. And then I learned to do it for myself. Okay, the way Harry described it, it sounds like oil and vinegar is a metaphor for a wonderful relationship. Because they're together, but they still hold their own personalities. That is lovely.

That's quite beautiful actually. When was the first time you saw someone do it in front of your eyes? I'm going to say it was at a restaurant, but I'm not sure if I can remember the exact time. You know, like it all kind of blurs into one, but I think I was definitely in my twenties. Yeah. Look, I'm not Spanish. I think this is something that maybe you learn that you learn in Spain, maybe. It's not like a common thing. It's Spanish. I would say more Italian. Oh, well, I'm not Italian. Sure, because of the bell family.

Join the club. Yes, yes. So I wasn't aware of these things. Yeah, but that's fine. That's So I wasn't aware of these things. Yeah, but that's fine. That's fine to not be aware of these things at all. Yeah. And I like that the first time you saw someone do it, blew your mind. Yeah, and I still I think whenever I do it,

I think I'm going to blow whoever's watching its mind. But, Right, you finished up something. Absolutely. Very talented. They never run, they never impressed, because they know how to do it. I think everyone has to do that. Yeah, yeah.

I didn't know it was a common thing. So you want this at your dream meal, you want the oil, do you want them next to each other and then you can do that and then someone can walk in who's never seen it before. It's like, what the fuck? Yeah, and I'm like, well, what you have to really get it in the middle because sometimes you get it on the side and then it doesn't work and then it goes all bubbly at the side. And so you have to really get it in the middle, because sometimes you get it on the side and then it doesn't work. And then it goes all globally at the side. And so you really have to get it in the middle.

Yeah, yeah. And I'll be like, this is mad. And I'm like, yeah, so we'll be like, yeah. Who would you like that to be? Somebody that you think would know about it, but like, I'm teaching them. I don't often get to teach people things. And so I think it would feel really good to teach somebody something like maybe like Gordon Ramsey, a middle band.

Yeah, yeah, like a professor maybe. So hang on, I'll just track back what happened there. Yeah. I said Gordon Ramsey, James said a middle band and you said, oh yeah, like a professor. That's wrong, you know what I mean? Yeah, that is a professor wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I forget Melibad, just kind of person, you would think, but no, but if you found out he didn't know,

you wouldn't be surprised, because you couldn't eat a bank in time. He would mess that up, I think, more times than he got it in the middle. He'd go globally on the sides. And he would be, you know, like he's trying his best. But yeah. The press would have the field dough with that. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Crucify him for that.

Yeah, yeah. If you've got blobs on the sides. Yeah. So, but you were like a professor, Brian Cox. Maybe Brian Cox, he was a holder. Because he was a professor, but like a fake one. Yeah, like an older professor, like. Doesn't really know his stuff.

Yeah. Oh, wow. Which we discovered. Yeah, really. Yeah, and he was on the podcast. He doesn't know anything. He's in Bamsin. Yeah. Really? Would you say I know more than Brent Cork?

Yes. Definitely about Balsamic and Oil. Easily. Easily. He wouldn't know any of that stuff. He wouldn't know like if the Balsamic was evil or not. Yeah. Does he eat a lot of space feet? Yeah. He eats potatoes that are growing with shit on Mars. Yeah. That's what he said. He would like to eat that. I would not want to have dinner with him. Even if you were showing him the balsamic and oil thing. Oh my god. I feel like he's easily

impressed. You know what I mean? I'm somebody that's really. That was an our experience. Really hard to impress him actually. Yeah. Maybe the actor Brian Cox. Yeah. Yeah. Because I feel like he's the tastier to it. He seems like a Jill guy. Yeah. He but that's what I mean. Yeah, yeah. Because I feel like he's. The tallest, the easier to it. Yeah. He seems like a chill guy. Yeah. He, but that's what I mean. Like he's angry, like you think he thinks he knows everything. And I'm like, fucking watch this.

Is he an character? Is he an character? I think that is his character. But you don't the character. I don't the actor. Why feel like they're the same thing, maybe? If he was an character, you'd do that. The balsamic and all thing and you go, fuck off.

Yeah, that's the way I want. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a good idea. Yeah, yeah. You would like to be told that? Yeah, and then I'll be like, I know. LAUGHTER I know, I can just do these things. I just know how these things work.

What sort of brand are you having? Banana brand. LAUGHTER Maybe. Banana brand doesn't really taste the bananas. What about banana brand hanging outside of a bin? Hanging on the edge of a bin. That's actually fine. That actually doesn't really taste the bananas. What about banana bread hanging outside of a bin? Hanging on the edge of a bin? That's actually fine.

That actually doesn't upset me at all. You've heard about that. I'm actually fine with that. It's when the wrap is... What is it called? The wrap? It's the wrap. The bit...

You really don't engage with it when that starts to go funny. Package in. The smell. What sort of bread is this, Harriet? So it's the really nice bread. Oh yeah. Cool. Next question. So you know when it's like, it's like bouncy in the middle, like it's like all like bouncy and it's got little holes in like maybe for capture. I think it's good. And then it has like those big like herbs, like they're like, um.

herbs like they're like um Wednesday next year's coming in Minita you know what I mean there's the race me yeah race me yeah okay yeah that's the catcher for the love guessing game this whole episode can be the last thing going to get

I feel like you finally found someone that you can bully that's what I feel like yeah yeah and salts and you can bully. That's what I feel like. And salt some like flaky salt and it's up. Oh yeah, some salt. Yeah, yeah, that's the thing. I didn't know. I did it in and then it does always make me feel sad when it all splashes together. But then you know, it's part of it.

Well, this is the dream restaurant. So would you like us to bring you a dish of balsamic and oil that never spludges together? Yes, please. And not, but not keep bringing it to me every time I spludged it, because that feels wasteful, but one that consistently re-separates. When we take the bread out, it goes bloop, and it never goes. It goes bloop, yes, thank you. Is it warm, the focaccia?

And it's a little bit warm and it's very fresh. Yeah, okay, great. I've got to be careful now, because I've been called out for the bullying. I've got a... I've got a... You've sped your smiling face out. I've got a pace out. No, great. I got to be careful now because I've been called out for the bullying. I've got a pain in my heart. I've got to pay for that. I've got to pay for that. No, please.

I've got a few things in the chamber already that coming in here to do the podcast, I know I was going to bully you about it. And I haven't got around to them yet. Is it the Invisalign? Yeah, it's going to bully you about you in Visalign. Yeah. Because you've got rid of yours. Well, look as I got rid of mine, but because you keep drinking drinks

and keeping the invisible line in and you're meant to take them out. Because otherwise, the drink that you're drinking just gets in the invisible line and your teeth just, that's like soak in the sugar. Yes, we had an argument about this because I say clear drinks was fine with invisible line because you can't see it and so it doesn't count.

And then James said, that's absolutely not how it works. I'm typically and then you're teed to sit in it and I continue drinking my wine until James is very wrong. And the next one I work up with really bad ulcer. Oh my god! Didn't know that. And I'm not saying James is right but I I have stopped drinking and wine with my business line in. So not only drowning in your own body, you teethe drowning. Yeah. You'd think you're drowning all over the place. I was just trying to help have it at the party because having it was saying at the party,

you're going round at party going, you just take the visa line up. If you're having a drink, if you're trying to relax and have a drink, you need to go to the toilet and take your visa line out. Yeah, what's that, Jimmy? I think that's exactly his dick. Have a nice party. Yeah. I feel like, how it was there?

Drinking like a white wine. Yeah. Like a champagne or something. Yeah. And going like, what's your champagne? Yeah, I've got a visa line. I've got a visa line. I'm talking about a visa line at the top of a voice.

And I was like, are you going to in right now? Which is like, yes, I was like, Harriet, you can't drink sparkling wine. You got your visa line in. She was like, what was sparkling? I was like, he's going to sit in the trays and your trays will fill up with wine. And then your teeth are just sitting in wine for the whole thing. And that you meant to be sort you're making it even better. She was like, the doctor said I can have water and this is fine.

The doctor didn't say you know, so we've been talking to him. We've been talking to him. We've been talking to him. We've been talking to him. We've been talking to him. We've been talking to him. We've been talking to him. We've been talking to him.

We've been talking to him. We've been talking to him. We've been talking to him. We've been talking to him. We've been talking to him. We've been talking to him. We've been talking to him. We've been talking to him. We've been talking to him. It wasn't just me at that. Everything was the man was like, what the fuck did you want him on? No, there was happy people on my side actually, so it was clear. Who the hell was on yours? Like I'm embarrassed.

Because I was drinking, I was like throwing, I was like putting it back. Like I wasn't like just having it in my teeth. I wasn't like just like sipping it through the teeth. I was like putting it back. Yeah, so how it was trying to aim it directly down the shelf so that it was not touch anything. I just splash down in a tummy. I'd not touch anything, I just splashed down in a tummy.

I'd not touch anything. Oh, obviously, getting everywhere all the time, sitting in the trays, but eventually you took the trays out. Yeah, well, I was very stressed because they said you can only take them out for two hours a day. Right. And then, sometimes I was being doing three gigs a night, so then that's like at least an hour. And then I have an hour and I'm constantly like snack and like having a coffee or a drink or a squash, you know. And so I was like, how am I going to find the time to manage this? And there wasn't a moment I wasn't

thinking about my own visa line. And it was a very stressful time. And then James came in with all his opinions. You finally relaxed your party. Finally, relax after a very stressful week with Vizzaline, having a nice glass of wine, and then James was like, take your, what are you doing? You can't drink. And I was like, I guess I had to just stop drinking because I've used my Vizzaline quota for the day. Yeah.

But then anyway, I work up with a really painful horse when I toast you the next day and I told him not to tell you. It's juice pie. Yeah. She was the host. You know, the only, there's one type of wine you can drink with a visa line. Oh, really? Yeah, in visa wine. Oh, great. That's great. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, So that's one of the things I had in my head that I was going to be about. There's one more, but I won't use it. I've never even used it until save it.

Keep it in the boat. Save it, yeah. Yeah, I'll save it. Let's have your dream starter. I've relaxed into the... Okay, dream starter. So I've picked this one because I think it will really... The thing is, okay, I'm just going to say this.

I think starters are bullshit. Yes! Do you hate starters? You don't hate starters. Don't bring all this. Yeah. I think starters are bullshit. Yes! Do you hate starters? You don't hate starters. Don't bring all this shit. Do you hate starters? He doesn't hate starters. He just loves desserts and he sees it as a war.

Yes, yes. Well, I just think, have both. Here's your picker side, starters. I think that everyone always wants a starter and they're never as good. They're never as good as the main dessert. They're better, they're always better. What is better? They're always more invent starter and they're never as good. They're never as good as the main ones. They're better. What is better?

They're always more inventive. They're always more interesting. No, they're just more. No, not true. Most menus I look at now, I'm way more interested in the starters and then the main are always quite sort of standard. I think it might be that you're not vegetarian.

Because I think the vegetarian option is always like brichetta and I'm not good. I'm going. Tomatoes, big tomatoes, not my thing. It's really willing to accept that. You're not into big tomatoes. Well, no, I don't mind big tomatoes, but I would never pick the vegetarian option on the starter. Oh, yeah, well, that's my life. That seems really good. The shatter, the chopped up though, the tomatoes are.

Oh, they're big. They start big. Bigger than I like it if it's smooth, but not if there's even like one of those little pips or even like a bit, a bit, a slightly bit. And so it does get embarrassing in restaurants because I have to say other big tomatoes and then they say, what do you mean? But at no point if you thought I'll change the question, change the angle. What's the change to? Maybe it's like say like, not as easy as it seems is it?

So you only like sort of like, smooth, smooth. You get less talk. You're only like smooth tomato. It's like tomato sauce or pureed tomatoes. Yes. You just say are they trunks of tomato? Sometimes they don't, they think that like,

it's a chopped up tomato in this. Oh, OK. So I don't like seeds. Rotomato. I don't like like bits of tomato. I can only have it if it's smooth. Yeah, okay. Well, we're learning as we go.

So start as a bullshit. I think start as a bit bullshit. I'm willing to admit, on most menus, the vegetarian option on the starter is boring. Yeah, and it's also very, they're often very fried and like, just like, it's just the taste is fry. You know what I mean? And so I'm not so into that so then I was like I do quite like

Scalops sometimes Scalops and You're not vegetarian no, but they because they don't have a brain and so they don't where's their brain Being taught with a Google it. They don't have a brain. Genuinely, they don't have a brain. I am aware of this branch of vegetarianism and veganism, where scallops and oysters are acceptable. Yeah. Yeah. And I think I need, I feel myself get smarter when I eat them.

Why? Because there's like, there's something I'm lacking, I think, for my diet, and I eat them, and I feel like it doesn't make sense that you feel smarter, eat something without a brain. Yeah. It has that omega or whatever or like the protein in it. Like it feels like, you know, how you eat something and it makes me feel like, I'm ready to go, you know, but I don't know how to cook them.

Last time you ate a scallop, what stuff did you know after? But you did it night before. Good question. That is a goodop. What stuff did you know after? Good question. That is a good question. I think it's more like a general like alertness. It's not necessarily like specific thoughts, but I'll pay attention next time. Yeah, see if you get it. Find out if it's something better. Scolops is a good choice. Is there any a way that you want them prepared or with certain things on them? Well, I was thinking about this and I think it's let I quite like them with lemon I think is what I like. So just straight like pan-fried scallops. How else are they?

Loads of ways. No, well you could just live it. But there's loads you know, people putting the loads of stuff. Yeah, I mean, it's a Larry Act puree. Oh yes, maybe. Is it cooked? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The scallop itself. No, I can only have vegetables if they're cooked. And so it's cooked. Yeah, sometimes you can have raw scallop, you could have like scallops of each a. No, not raw. And to feature that has the big tomatoes. No, it's just citrus, it's just yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, just a scallop with some lemon, that's great.

And you think you don't know how to cook them? No. Very easy to cook. Really? Yeah, just pan fry them. Just don't do them for too long, very, very quick. And you just can just buy them, just through the shop. Yeah.

It really feels like a restaurant kind of thing. Yeah, it feels restrienty. And I've cooked scallops at home and you do feel very fancy doing it. Yes. Yeah. But they come sometimes with a big orange bit attached. Oh, what is that? Razzy. Membrane, anything. It's their beer. I wouldn't like the, I wouldn't be

good with that. No, no. I went somewhere once, restaurant, and they had taken those orange bits off of them and then dried them, powdered them up and then sprinkled powder over the top of the scallop. And that was nice. It was, I thought it was nice. Yeah. I, I, I, there is a month. I pan fry them using the whole thing. Yeah, using the whole thing.

But we don't know what it is. It's the road. It's the road. Yeah. Is that the baby? Well, it's the, yeah, it's the baby. It's the baby. But if you don't want that, that's fine.

Yeah, I'll just, I'll just go with that. This sounds like a really refreshing starter. Pan fried scallops, yeah. They're Yeah, I'll just go with this. This sounds like a really refreshing starter. Pan-fried scallops, yeah. Refreshing, yeah. Pan-fried in butter. And I could do without butter. I don't really love to have stuff cooking in butter. So probably more like an oil.

Yeah, we've got the oil on the table. Yeah, I'm just gonna get that involved again if you want. Yeah. For your salt. Yeah, yeah, lovely. Yeah, salt and lemon. Single scallop, this is one. No, no, a. The single scallop is this one? No, no, a few of the scallops.

They're quite small, that would be very small, wouldn't it? Sometimes, you can get ones like that. Oh, you get big ones. I think we should have big ones. A few big ones, maybe. Maybe a bit of chili. Yeah. A little bit of chili with it.

Okay, chili lemon salt. Yeah, classic. It sounds good. It sounds like a refreshing starter. So how many is it? Six, six more. Six. Six. Six more. The bigger ones, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, There's more space for a brain to form. That's not how animals work, is it?

Yeah, but it's not an animal. They're not animals. Okay, so... But you're saying that one of them... If one's bigger, it could be an animal. Yeah. Well, I'd be worried that it might be... Well, F. has got a brain? Yeah, really big skull.

Oh, so you're now saying they are vegetarian, so you're agreeing with me? Huh? You're agreeing? Vegetarian? I mean, I have no idea. You've completely confused me as to what they are. I don't know.

I've been saying if they get big enough, they've got room for a brain and they just grow a brain. It does make me nervous, you know, like I need, I just, if they're small, then I know that I was one of the, I feel like talking about school, it's just made me less intelligent. What would you do if I, I know less now than I did before we started talking? What would you do if you ordered a big scullop and it arrived and it had glasses on? Yeah. I would hate that. I would absolutely hate that because it's things so quickly. And look up and you'll say, hello, I'm Simon.

With this. This is why I can't have salmon because I was trying to have salmon for a while, but then I heard that they sing when they die. It's true, you can find on the internet they sing. Not like a popular song but like... The goll, yeah! Oh wait! What do you mean they sing when they die. Like they're like, oh, no, not like.

Go on. You can imagine it. It's like, yeah, actually can't imagine a fish singing. Imagine loads of salmon and they're all being killed and they're letting out this horrible song that's like, they're so sad because they've been killed. That's what it is. It's been googling it right now.

Yeah, it's been a big up because it sounds made up. It's a chemical brother song apparently. Let's call it the salmon dance. Is there any chance you could have seen a chemical brother song got mixed up? Yeah. This is definitely true. If it's not true, it would be very helpful because I did use

to like the prep and smoke salmon sandwiches. Yeah, but you know, they're not actually continued. They've been discontinued. Probably. But obviously, they're not really singing. They don't think they're singing. But they make it noise. But these like a sad, it's like a sad morning, like noise.

It's an emotional based thing. Yes, it's very emotional. I see what you mean. Yes, so I feel too bad. You know, I just like, this is the thing they get in my head. Like, when I gave up me, I just like, I picture them. This is the thing, you know, and they're looking at me and they're like, why? Yeah. You don't have that. See, this is what I think my people they they they can disconnect and so yeah, no, I think I do have it,

but I can disconnect. Yeah, that's it. I can't disconnect. Yeah. Yeah, I've got pets now for the first time since you know, I was a little kid and two cats. Love them. Absolutely love them. If someone said to me, we're going to kill them and eat them. I mean, I'll be up, you know, just the worst thing in the world. But yeah, I, you know, hyper-quickly, I am going around eating dead animals most days. Yeah, and cows can play football. Harriet, you... That is true. You can see that on the internet. They play football. They're actually much smarter than you think they are. They're actually like dogs. You know, you've Jameson to a really serious contemplative state there for a second. He was genuinely like confronting his own lifestyle.

That is true, Couls Pay Football. And then you said, and then you said, yes, Couls can play football. As if he'd said anything that related to Couls play football. Yes, because a cat is like a cow. This is what I'm saying. Like a cow on a cow can play football. I was like, literally, I'm going to make fun of Harry for this. Yeah, I'm going to admit that, yeah, I know, you know, even though you're saying about salmon singing and all this kind of stuff, I'm going to, it's not football, it's fetch. I'm going to admit that, yeah, I, you know, I like the hypocritical and, you know, that you're actually, you

know, you imagine in them dying and stuff, that's not the weird thing. It's weirder that we block it out. Just trying to extend that to you. And as I'm saying that, you say, cows can play football. And while I've been saying this bit, I think you said it's a veg, not a football. No, she said it's fetch. It's fetch, not a football. It's fetch. I thought she said it was veg, like, they're playing it's a veg not a football. No, she said it's fetch. It's fetch. It's not a football. It's fetch. I thought it said it was fetch. Like they're playing it with a lettuce.

It's fetch. So what I was trying to say is that you love your cat and your cat, you find like an acceptable pet, but you could have a cow is what I'm saying. Like a cow is more like a cat than you think it is, but you try and cut it off and you think, oh, the cow, you know, like it's some big stupid cow, but actually they're very intelligent. Well, James was confronting that logic there in quite a sort of openly, emotionally raw way. And I actually think you've made a meat more meat-n-o-s. Yeah, I don't care now. Because you said he could have a pet cow and cows can play fetch. Yeah, yeah.

And some and sing when they don't. I mean, this is, I'm sorry, you don't know this. This is all just this is true. We do know. The football figures. So that's, so they can't play football. Um, I actually don't know if they can play football. I know. So that was ball. Yeah. I got confused between football and fetch. If you throw a ball, they will go get it and they'll bring it back like a dog. So this is what I was trying to say, like a cow is like a dog. You can't eat dogs, but you can eat a cow.

You can't eat a cat, but you can eat a cat. I was trying to, I was, yeah, I was just trying to go along with what you were thinking and then you took it as an absolute front. Well, you didn't go along with what I was thinking. First of all, you lied and said that they could play football. They can they play football. I was interested. You can turn to it. Is that a big idea? Oh, interesting.

Yeah, look. Let's see it. Here we go. Standing in the middle of a, just for a listener. Yeah. Standing in there, not doing anything with his football. Just looking round the corner. So it's still left it aligned.

It's like, it's moving. It's moving. It's moving. So it's still left it aligned. It's moving. It's moving. It's moving. It's moving.

It's moving. It's moving. It's moving. It's moving. It's moving. It's moving. It's called football. There's a bunch of people stamping up to the cow, which is stood near a ball. And it seems to have been not playing. One of them just kicks the ball at the cow, at the cows. And the cow is now. They're surrounding the cow. So there's a bunch of absolute ourselves. And a cow that seems to be just guarding the ball, but not playing with it. It's just walking along with the ball. It's not playing. It's actually not playing football. It just wants to keep the ball and these people are antagonising the count. I guess the video has made me want to eat

less beef because I feel sorry for the count on the cows side of that video, but I don't think that count could explain the offside rule. Tsk! F***! ACAS powers the world's best podcast. Here's a show that we recommend. In late 2007, the remains of a young woman from the Casca Nation were discovered in the Yukon woods. I always think about, I want to know what really happened. So I travel north to try to understand what happened and who was involved. It's a pretty big risk to come forward with the information that I have. I'm David Ritton and this is someone knows something season 8, the Angel Carlet case,

available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Today's episode of the Off-Menu podcast is sponsored by Cozy. Oh, Ed, are we talking Cozy Modular Sofas here? Yes, we are, James. It's thoughtfully designed furniture made for modern living. I've often said Benito needs to get some cosy furniture for the off-menu studios because at the moment it's hell. And this is the thing,

I've cosy modular sofas allow the owners to easily elevate any space. This whole space needs elevating. We want to choose the designs that we like, configure the shape and number of seats for our space, pick our favorite fabric. This is what the studio needs, but need her, please. And we could add modules over time if our needs change. You know, there's not enough space in here. What if we have the whole of Westlife on the podcast? I want some new shelf said. Yeah, we should get some new shelves actually in here. Yeah, cozy of launch some new solid

word modulus shelving systems called the altitude collection James they're super easy to assemble and the installation can be done on any wall in a couple of minutes but you might be worrying about the customer experience I often do that when I interact with a new company what's the customer experience going to be like well no need to worry with cozy it's free and fast shipping on all orders and they have over three and a half thousand five star reviews plus this five year warranty and a 30 day risk free trial and the customer support is human. It's not bears like you get in some of these places. Transform your living space today with cozy visit cozy dot c a c o z y to start customizing your furniture. COZEY.

Today's episode of the Off-Menu podcast is sponsored by Audible James. Audible is where I go for all of my audiobook podcasts and originals, James. There's more to imagine with Audible, for best selling audiobooks to podcasts to exclusive originals. Audible.ca is the home for all your favourite Canadian voices.

Yes, indeedy-doodie. People can listen to the light podcast for Michelle Obama, and Sydney Crosby has a sports memoir on there. And if you want a sleep sound, you can sleep sound with no-a-read James. And what's great about Audible is you get your first audiobook free with your membership. When you sign up, you've already got one in the bank there. My book's unaudible. Glatton, the multicore's life is a very greedy book. You're not a Canadian voice?

I could be. Glatton-ee. That's good, Ed. Join and listen free for 30 days, visit audible.ca. So, your dream main course. Okay. This is what I'm nervous about. Okay. So it's sighted.

I've always really loved Pete's express. It's really important to me. I've been very worried about its future. I've been there for like birthdays, like ear piercings, like it's like the place to go, not to get them pierced like afterwards to like sell it. It's so great. Say there's got to be a more hygienic place to get,

not the pizza express is hygienic, but you don't want a bit of pomodoro sauce getting in there. Yeah, no, you go afterwards just like, oh, that was exhilarating. And then you have a nose pizza. Do you have to have the one with a hole cut in the middle celebrating the piercing? Well, I can't, that is a really good idea, but I can't have the salad. And I have tried to ask for it without the salad with the hole.

And they do not want to do that because of the raw vegetables thing. Yeah. Yeah. So hold on, but you still have asked for it without the salad because you want the hole in the middle. And they, they really refuse to do that. but you still have asked for it without the salad because you want the hold in the middle. And they, they really refuse to do that. Yeah, yeah. Really, they won't, they won't, they won't do it. They won't do it because I always thought like pizza was like quite a healthy option because it's just like bread and then like um, tomato and then that's usually for me like

vegetables and cheese and then um, and then I saw the calories when they started putting them in. I was like, wow, I've been eating much too much pizza and so I was like, wow, I've been eating much, too much pizza. And so I was like, oh, I'll just get it with the whole because I can't control myself. I need them to control it for me. But they, that would help. Just having a hole in the middle. You know, it's healthy.

Yeah, but they won't, they won't do that. So they had to start putting calories on menus maybe last year, I'd say. Yeah. So up until that point, you thought pizza was a healthy option. Going in there. I was having one a week, one a week. And I had no idea that it wasn't. How many pearsers did you have? Oh, by the way, Harriet is covered in piss. Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely ridden with

dancing. In general, in the lower place. In case you've never seen Harriet before, she's that lady lives on the Royal Mile. Yeah. So specifically. Yeah. Sorry. I don't know you mean? I don't know you mean. Yeah, it's great. Edinburgh, I do.

Yeah, so I really, I just find it very comforting Peter Express. And just a little text to go from Stuart Laws when I was on my way here. Oh, no. I told him that we had to on the podcast. And he said, she's obsessed with pizza express. So I imagine it would just be that.

That's what you said. I wanted to have tables as my starter, and then I thought people would be two cross, and so I said scallops, because I wanted to sound more interesting, and I am trying to branch out more. The problem is I just have a bad history with restaurants, I think, and so it's difficult,

because I want to try things, but they don't want me there. The restaurants don't want you there. Why? Because, well, I'm quite happy to go to an restaurant and just eat bread or whatever, because often there's not stuff I can eat, but then I went to this really nice Indian restaurant and I won't name it, but they refused to serve me.

That they wouldn't even give me bread or rice because I'm allergic to nuts. And so they just refused. But it was like my dad's birthday and right, I mean, to be fair, they should have left and gone somewhere else, but they were like, we're having a nice time, they'll serve us.

So then I just had to sit there for like two hours and they wouldn't give me any food. That's a shame. I've had that once with a friend who was allergic to shellfish in a way that was like, you know, just can't have it anywhere near anything. Yeah. And we had to leave.

And it's not a good time. It feels pretty rough. So yeah, I know it's me again, extending something to you. So don had to leave. And it's not a good time. It feels pretty rough. So, it's me again extending something to you. So, don't suddenly go. I know you're trying to be nice, he's trying to be some fantastic guy. So, don't suddenly go, you're not just gonna do algebra. I mean, let's lay all the line here, Harriet. You are a vegetarian who can't have raw vegetables and you're allergic to nuts. Yes. The nut allergy is not really serious. It's not like where I go in a place and there's a nut and it's like game over. I can be around nuts. I can be near them. You're not the person who stops any nuts being opened on a plane for it. No, that's not me. And so yeah, it's fine.

It's just, I was also very, I'm a bit fattening a bit particular and then I think maybe part of it was having these allergies. So like my skin is allergic to the raw fruit and more vegetables. But no one believed me for a long time. And so it was very confusing because I'd be like, I can't eat that. But it's hurt in my mouth. And everyone would be like, just eat the apple and then I'd be like, no, really. Like get like, I'm and. And so yeah, it was a bit stressful.

I didn't believe it. It could also say stuff like counts from playfulness. It's the problem. Yeah, in amongst all of this, there's real treats. And then I had to go to the hospital. And it's just like, it is mad how they do it. I had to go there. And then you have to go get tested for it.

And the test is you just go and buy a load of fruit and vegetables and bring them in and carry it back. And then they put them on your arm And then they go oh quite allergic to that bit and then you just get like a big hive on your arm. Wow Did they do it with banana? No, I didn't bring banana. I think I'm not allergic to banana because it's in a big skin So I actually could have banana probably yeah Yeah, I mean complimentinging coming, not a joke.

Huge props to you for still being a vegetarian, even though your body is absolutely screaming for you to eat meat. Yeah. It's really your only exit. I try, I've tried veganism. Like I'm vegan, like at home mostly, but like going out is just too much to put on people. It's really, and you would never get invited anywhere. Yeah. That's, and is just too much to put on people. It's really, you would never get invited anyway. But that's too much.

But maybe at this dream restaurant, I could have a salad or something. Maybe I could have that salad in the middle, because I wouldn't be allergic. Yeah. I could eat my first salad. Yeah, sure. Yeah, you can. I'm about to have a cheese.

But do you want a pizza from pizza Express? Is that your main? Yeah, that was my main. Yeah, and what kind of pizza? Yeah, Madonna. Because it used to be Margarita. Yeah. And it's always smooth.

They're the tomato so it's good. Yeah. But then I grew up, you know, and I'm a bit more sophisticated. No, I'm not a Madonna. What's the pedada? So it's like goat's cheese and spinach. And then it has this caramelized onion thing. So it's like got the goat's cheese and the sweet

and the tomato sauce is really good. I love pizza Express. Thank you. OK, good. I love pizza express. Thank you. Okay, good. I love it. Sometimes I'll be like, I want a pizza, but that doesn't feel like a healthy option. And I do agree.

I'll take pizza express as a compromise, because it feels healthier. It feels healthier, and then it's got loads of spinach on it. Also, it tastes nostalgic. Pizza Express tastes like you've just been swimming. So I'll have pizza express, and I'll be like, oh, you can almost smell chlorine in my hair. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I like, I mean. I've been to pizza express and I'll be like, oh, you can almost smell chlorine in my hair. Yeah.

Yeah, that's what I like, I mean, I've been to pizza express three times. What? Yep. Just which one, just one of them three times. No, no, just three different ones. Of all the pizza expresses in all the world, you've only been three times.

Maybe three times. Oh, I just, just not part of, yeah. Just not bothered. Yeah. Yeah, not, not majorly bothered. If I'm going to have pizza. It's a few other places I'd go to before pizza express. I go to Franca manca. I got okay. Oh, look, there's better pizzas. I can't remember where.

There's far better pizza. It's its own thing. It's its own thing. I like Franca manca, but it is it's own entity. It's a whole other genre now. Well, but for me, it's all about nostalgia, pizza,'s a rest. So I think if you didn't grow up going to pizza, and it's a rest, like once a week. So then you wouldn't have pizza, and it's a rest now because there's a yard sales, there's a Franco mancus. Yeah, yeah.

I, I, there was a pizza, it's a classic cat. No, there was a Frank's pizza, which is still there, which is, again, I'd go to a head of pizza, express any day. Delicious, Frank's pizza. You know, my, my order, pizza, and it's a rest. American hot with extra, thanks pizza. You know my, my order, pizza express American hot with

extra cheese. Yeah. Remember why that's my order? Cause it's my dad's order. That's really sweet. I forgot. I could enjoy it all over again. What do you say? That's so sweet. You were thinking of getting a good dad.

Yeah. So just the pizza is your main course, that padana, is that it? That padana pizza. That padana with the salad. That padana pizza, ideally with the whole in the middle with the salad. And your first salad. Yeah, we are big. Are we so exciting?

Yeah, so. What would you like the idea of in the salad if it's not going to make you feel ill? I like it when they shake them. You know, when you see it and it's like all shook, shook it up with the sword, like the, like the, um, dressing dressing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, um, so some of that and everyone always says, oh, it's like all shook, shook it up with the sort, like the, like the dressing, yeah, yeah, yeah. So some of that and everyone always says, oh, it's so crisp. So, I don't know.

Is this you imagining what a salad would be like? This is amazing. And everyone says it's a crisp, really? Yeah, yeah. And then I think they'd have like, like people would have like olives in it. Yeah. Rocket, John Rocket in it.

I don't know. I guess I, that's what people would have like olives in it. Yeah, rocket, John rocket in it. Uh, I don't know. I guess I that's what we would do. That's what I mean. I'm going to sell it. Wow. So I'd have yeah, I guess I'm rocking it in it because every time I go to a restaurant, it has like, well, they put salads in it, so then everyone has to like take it off and they'll get a bit worried.

But I'm not really, I'm not really that allergic. It's just like my skin's allergic. And so it would be yeah, be wonderful. That would be my first ever and maybe it could be in a cat cafe because I am allergic to cats as well, but then I could be around all the cats and eat a salad. Okay. Yeah. I'll sort that out. Yeah. Cats playing table tennis in the background. Well, then anyone I've ever met you throw new information in as if we should know it already. Right. Okay. Yeah. So quickly. Yeah. And also it's in a cat cafe at the end of a really long sentence. But it is a pizza express maybe it's a collaboration

between pizza express and a cat cafe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. What would that be called? Pizza cat. Pizza cat. Peter cat. You've been on spot. Yeah. You've been on spot. Yeah. You've been on spot. Yeah.

Peter cat. Peter cat. Right, that down bonito. Thank you. Peter cat. Oh. Why are you writing it down? No, why do you can't?

Maybe a fucking show. Peter cat. I'm just a cat. Call your show that. Peter cat. Call your show Peter cat. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Peter in it. And cat. Call your show Peter cat.

Yeah. Yeah. And cat in it as well actually. There you go. Call the answer cat. Peter cat. And then people will listen to this episode. They'll know that you literally named it here now.

I really have to name it soon. Yeah. Call the pizza cat. Time turning out. Just do it. Peter cat. People will love it. You like that.

You think that would make you think. Or I would say this. Peter cat or I you think, or I'm the story. I'm the story. Yeah. Peter Catt, Cologne, I'm the story. I'm the story. Peter Catt. I'm the story feels like a novel in an airport, like a autobiography where somebody's looking out to sea and they're like, I don't know, it feels a bit dramatic, doesn't it? Yeah, I mean, I know you've said cat cafe now, but I was going to ask you, what March of pizza expressed you would like to be eating it? Because you've been to a lot of them.

A been to a lot, but it all has to go back to Canterbury pizza express. Yeah. Or the jazz one in so-and-so, but no, we go back to Canterbury, it's one of the river, it's lovely. No, no, not the way. Canterbury, that one. The pit of Canterbury, yeah. How did you feel about that as a

absolutely horrified, horrified, worried, like concerned, and a bit of express is future, like they're saying they're in debt by like a million pounds at, like a restaurant, like it's a lot to think about. And am I like one? It's like always empty. And so, but I think they're putting out a lot, they're sending it out with the delivery people. So it's they're not coming in necessarily. And on weekends, it's chaos, it's the kids, I think.

And so yeah, very worried, very worried about their future. But I think they've got a good product. You look a bit like you work in a pizza express. Yeah, that's my aim. Yeah. Yeah. They have that compliment, Ed. Well, no, there you have this black and white, isn't it?

It's thick. Oh, the other way around. Yeah, that's what you mean. Yeah, isn't it? It's thick. Oh, the other way around. Yeah, I see what you mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love it. Those guys are skilled. Yes. I've never seen a woman do it.

Have you ever seen a woman do it? The chefs, you probably don't know. I don't know if they've been free time. I wasn't caught in people's jail. You can see the pizza makers and the thing. It's like that was part of the excitement as well. I've got to say I've never, yeah, I've never focused on that. It's the lady there. Yeah. What as well. I've got to say I've never, yeah, I've never focused on that. Yes, the lady there.

Yeah. What three did you go to James? Well, I couldn't tell you that it's out. Okay. What one was near Leicester Square. It wasn't the jazz one, but it was like me, Ramesh and Nish. And Ramesh's pizza didn't arrive. So me and Nish got three pizza. Ramesh still gets angry about that today if you mention it to him.

But that was a lady who told us we had three pizza. I remember that. Yeah, the the waiters can be women, but I've never seen a woman make the pizza. Okay, but you're not saying they're not allowed to make the pizza. I don't think that's a thing. Not that I know of. Yeah, but yeah, Kings Road, pizza expressive into that one. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's actually nice to do gigs at the one in Holben. They've got, that's why I wanted to do my show. Yeah. But then I think I was just being swayed's the legend. That one, yeah, yeah. It's actually nice to do gigs at the one in Holburn. They've got, that's why I wanted to do my show.

Yeah. But then I think I was just being swayed by the pizza. It's a good room, though. It's a really nice room, yeah. So I was like, I wanted to do it there, but then they were like, it's really not. And I think I just thought it would be, I was just thinking about the pizza.

Yeah. And you've got to think about the show. Yeah, you do. Yeah, for the show. I mean, for the listener, actually, this is something that we talked about before recording. Yeah. It's having it nearly recorded a special in a pizza express. I was going to call it live at pizza express. We said you should still call it that. I haven't got very in a tizz about how, but it's not in pizza express, so I can't call it that. And I'd have to explain it.

That's what happened, isn't it? So I'm just going to call it pizza cat and and the cat is great. Yes. Your dream side dish then. Is it all different pizza express? No, I think because I do, I do love a dough balls and then I was like, I could go the whole thing and then I thought, no, like I've grown, like I do eat at other places now and I've got two branch out. So I do, I do like a breakfast, like a do eat at other places now and I've got to branch out. So I do, I do like a breakfast, like a brunchy kind of thing and then I always want like a pancake on the side. I just want what like I don't want it as the main thing. I just want one pancake on the side

but then I don't think pancake goes very well with pizza and so I'm going to say waffle. But it's because of this place that's really good that has waffles. I'm not really a waffly person, but this place is really good. It's called utter waffle. And it's in Herne Hill, and I often go there with my baby and dog, and it is chaos, and they're really nice about it. And they have this one waffle that's like waffle, and then it has like caramelized peach, so I can eat it because it's like kind of cooked and then cinnamon frosting and then cream cheese and then you can have pistachio but then I don't and then then veggie bacon and it's really good. Sounds good. Well obviously I respect this.

Yeah. I saw it. I saw it. Okay. Okay. So finally, Finally got some respect. It's called James Jaws and the Giant Peach. What? That's the name of the waffle. James the Giant Peach. James Jaws and the Giant, I don't know who Jaws is. James Jaws and the Giant Peach. So there are two different people. James Jaws and the Giant Peach.

Yeah. I'm just imagining that you eat in this waffle and you're dogs in the corner reading a novel or something. No, it's causing absolute chaos. You're talking to somebody, you made it. Yeah. Do you want's a dog's love when he made it. Do you want your dog to be there when you eat the side dish? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, even though this meal's in a cat cafe. Oh, yeah, actually that wouldn't go very well.

I wish he could be there, but then it's a dream place. Yes, he gets on the cat's. Yeah, they were. Can't be pizza, it's best. Just cats around and to your dogs there. And your babies there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take me through this waffle again.

Yeah, okay. It's a good sounds. Is it that much there? Bellulgin waffle. Okay, what is that? Well, I mean, it's a good question. It's like a sweet waffle. Yeah, just sweet.

Sweet is a sweet, not a savory waffle. So it's like, I think it's only sweet because of the things on it. The things on it. Yeah, okay. And they have like, I think it's only sweet because of the things on it. The things on it. Yeah. Okay. And they have like, maybe on my baby, like, someone that has like cheese and then like an egg. And so it's generally all savoury. So it's like, you know, like people were like, like, chicken on it, they can have chicken on it. That's a big thing there. Everyone always wants the chicken one.

Not me. How old's Mabel? She's one and a half. Very funny that she wants to one with a cheese and egg on it for some reason. I like that one. It's a preference. It has like a probable egg and this is, yes, you love it. Right, respect and able. Does this look a bit like potato waffle?

It's not potato waffle. It's not potato. No, it's like butter. It's a batter. Yeah, and I, because pancakes are kind of like my favourite food, but it doesn't work here. And I like a galette, which is like very doesn't work here and I like a galette which is like very savory I really like a galette but this is it just is beautiful I don't know why and everyone wants to go there it's just it's very good they have a van

as well okay it goes around I think this is yeah we've not really had a side dish like this before Waffles haven't featured much no we haven't had a side dish that this before. Waffles haven't featured much. No. We haven't had a side dish that's like this sweet, which I'm loving it. I'm loving that is, we've got to desert early. I can, I can, I can't. But it's a bridging course, isn't it, really? And it's sweet, but it's, you've got veggie bacon on there as well.

Yes, and it's really good veggie bacon. Yeah. Quite often I've accidentally ordered the bacon and they've handled it very well. And, but and then, because it's so confusing, because it is like, it does seem like bacon. I think anyone that the bacon and they've handled it very well and and but and then because it's so confusing because It is like it does seem like bacon. I think anyone that ate bacon would not say that. Yeah for me it seems like Mm-hmm. Is it bacon? Is it not bacon sounds good? It's sort of Bit of a shame. We can't absolutely rip the piss out of Harriet for this course. Wow interesting

Yeah, and look I'll be honest if you have it when you were describing it my brain immediately went into Piss-Tank mode. Oh, yeah. What would it be? Let's get her. Yeah. She's chosen dessert waffle going aside with her pizza. Let's get her. Yep.

And then I was like, no, but you like this. I feel like it's a bit nice of you. I feel like it's a bit nice of you. I feel nice of you. You know that you like this. You know that you think it's great. You can't, you can't, you can't, yeah, it's made of like, you know that this is exactly the kind of thing you would love to eat, especially if it's a good version of this. So like,

you can't get a, you know, I personally wouldn't have it, but I respect you for picking it. I'm not a huge fan of, I put waffles in the, in the same family as your shippardings and pancakes. You don't like those. No, I don't like any batter base thing. Really. It's my least favorite batter base thing. Yeah.

But at this place, it's here we go. Rack the batter based things. I think you need to sort out the pancakes from each other. So I think you've got to say crepes and American pancakes. A two separate things. Waffles. Waffles. Off to your chip. Waffles. Waffles.

Or to your chip. You're putting your puddings. Those are the classics, really, aren't they? Yeah, I guess. I mean, look, if you've ever seen Deepfired Masters. Churros. It's a whole Churros course. Yeah, there's loads of things on Deepfired Masters.

Yeah. But those feel like the things that adjust better, these are the things I'm not a massive fan of. Mmm. Yeah. Don't know, is that better? Yeah, I guess, no, I guess it is. Yeah, I guess it is. It's just the dough, I guess, no, I guess it is. Yeah, I guess it is. It's just the dog when you're banking.

I really like Gillette. I really like a savory Gillette. See, that would be, I'd be as close to that, more savory. It's a buckwheat. It's a buckwheat pancake. What? Yeah, it's blinded my mind. You know, don't answer batter.

I didn't know that. Do you know what batter is? Well, I thought batter is. Wow, who's the real idea? It's called the tables have turned around each show. It turns out. It's the police. And it's you again. The tables have turned on this show. The tables have turned on this show. But yeah, you're right. The tables have turned on me because like, I don't turn back.

I'm keeping my, it's too quick. I'm trying to figure out. So, okay, so those are batter. Are they, Gillette's a batter, they're not like pastry. They're not like a pie, an open-faced pie. Absolutely. What are you thinking of? They make them on those like, like circle things.

Oh, like that, that stuff. Okay, I'm thinking about, I think we're both right. No, you're not right. I think we're both right. No, you are wrong. You don't know what it is. You're confused. I know what you're talking about. And I've had that in Ponzi and New Zealand and they're delicious. But also, I look at Balea's face. I'm right. French Galleette. French Galleette. Oh, you're thinking of New Zealand Gilek. So there isn't one that's open face like pie thing that's like, but with pastry, you can get them sweet and safer. There is like a buckwheat crap is a Gilek, right?

Buckwheat, yeah, that's what that's what mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get those. I love those. I've got photo of one of those on my phone. Really? Yeah, for once in a while. Yeah, what are you talking about? I'm talking about pastry that, I love this thing.

Why is that? They have like the celebratory pastry cake thing. Why are you talking about? I'm talking about pastry. Why is that? This thing they have like the celebratory pastry cake thing. Why are you talking about that? Because that's the galette that I get most weeks from the past. That is something different. That is something different. One of those. Yeah.

That's a galette. That's a pie. A pair of galette with flaky crust. No, that's like it. That's what I do about that one with the... Yeah, and we're both fine. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, James is right too.

So they're both galettes. Yeah. But Harriet's talking about the... I get it. I get it. Yeah, yeah, that's right. Yeah, James is right too. So they're both Gillettes. Yeah, but Harriet's talking about the I get it Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I love those and I wouldn't think of it as a good air. Yeah, and I in Ponzi B I always make sure I come in what is cool But it doesn't have best email source and I always get the Best email source and I was at that and that's my favorite thing to get it ponzi B essential But you haven't ranked your

batter based. So I think Gillette and American Pancake kind of join at the top and then maybe the what falls, but only from this waffle place, otherwise at the bottom, you're putting, I do really like cheeros and then a regular crap like they're kind of lower down. Maybe, what about you?. I'm not an American pancake guy. Yeah, I just think I think they're boring and then you stack them on top of each other and it's just like layer off the layer of like sometimes they just like suck all the you just want one on the side like a blueberry one or like one that they have that cream. You said to add so much syrup to them to make them interesting. That's what we're talking about quality right because like a good one

of them is incredible. Like when they've actually made the batter really delicious so that every bite is amazing. But when they've been lazy with it, I don't know, man. That, that, everyone, Gilles place that I've shouted out before on the pod, Manchester, I could eat just one of their pancakes on its own.

First pancakes have had, we're in Japan. Japanese, Japanese soup, soup, flay, soup. Pancakes. Sue flay pancakes. Pancakes come on. Let's just give that a moment. And they're like wobbly and they're a bit softer inside. No.

No, yeah. Not for me. Yeah. No, it's for you, but it's not for me. Yeah. It's not for me. And like in America, it's different. It's just different.

Yeah. It's better. Here's bad. Blueberry pancakes, quite a lot. Blueberry pancakes. Blueberry. Instant reaction from us, who? Dreamfiend. OK, so we're not on a train and that changes things.

What? If we were on a train, then it would be different. Don't miss something. Is that a bit of the port? Well, unless we're suddenly on a train, then it would be different. Don't miss something. Don't miss a bit of the pod. Well, unless we're suddenly on a train, we can't be on a train. We can put all of that on a train. Put it on a train. Still call it the pizza express.

It's not a good pizza express. Remember? Let's start. It's called pizza cat. It could be cat express. So it's a cat cafe in a pizza express on a train. It's called cat express. Pizza cat express. Pee-to-cat express. Okay now. Okay.

Well, because if you're on a train, then you want it out of a cat, you want a little drink out of a tin. You know what I mean? Like it's just like, it's exciting. You're like, I'm not even in it. And what you're doing up is you want a drink out of a cat. Yeah, and then I want a drink out of a can.

But if I'm in a restaurant, then I don't want that. Because that would be weird. They're just bringing a drink out of a cat. Yeah, there is something specifically exciting about, especially after a gig. That's it, you're right, you get time, you get to go into MNS, get a little can, and you get on the train. Specifically from Brighton, this day was like from Brighton. Yeah, yeah, yeah, very Brighton.

Very neat for the listeners, but last train back from Brighton to Victoria, go to the MNS, which is still open. Buy a few tenies of whatever, what's in the tenies? That's what I'm gonna know. Well, I've reached, it would have been like gin and tonic, probably, but now I've really got into wine and a can. Have you had it? Yeah.

Yes. What is it? It's new, it's quite new. Do you think it's bleaker than the G&T and a can? I feel bleaker. No, because any other time, it's bleak. At that moment, you've run from a gig and you really want to have a drink on the train, you've managed to get there and you've got it and it's cold and then you're on a train.

Because those bottles, it's just not the same, you put it in the plastic, whatever. In the can, it's still cold and it's just such an exciting feeling. And so that's the only time that it's good, yeah. Have you ever had, which is the bleakest option, I think, where it's a plastic glass of wine in a plastic wine glass with like a yoghurt lid on top of it? Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's real bad. We have the peel.

Yeah, like it's pringles, doesn't it? You peel the lid off, obviously, the lid. Yeah, drink the, drink the wine. They're kidding with that. Yeah. That's bad stuff. Is there a particular brand, the M&S? Why?

There's one I quite like. It's called, I mean, it's called Hun, which I don't know. But they've got a nice open yarn. So you want a kind of Hun, so open your own blank. Fucking out. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I love it, Harriet. But if you. So you just don't get in Brighton. Yeah. And then

again, a little tin of a little tin of one. You know, you're just running and then you get on the GB one tin of one tin of one tin of one. I probably couldn't do to. Yeah, not on a train. Like I'd go a bit loopy. But I know, I can't imagine that. The tables have turned on this train. It wouldn't imagine we'd see everybody. You're taking a visa line out for this. Hundreds. Well, now after the old say, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, taking out, yeah, when you, because I do love grabbing a little drink, um,

and sitting on the train after a gig, do you prefer to be with other comedians there or is this is it so low ideally? Yeah, it's nice if you've got a little gang and then everyone's got a little drink and this is the problem when you're driving back from somewhere, it's not as exciting, you know, like when you have your tin of honey. Yeah, yeah, because you drive your driving since it's round upon. Yeah, it's round upon. Yeah, That's a good track. I haven't had it like that for ages, but like recently, on the way back for Mac Fest in Wales, ended up on a train with a bunch of comics on the way back in there, train beers.

It's been a while. I liked it. It was really fun. Really fun, really fun group, Nish, Rosie Jones, Max and Yvonne, Josh Pugh. I mean, said that. That does sound nice. Yeah. But I would prefer to be alone. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. If would you, would you see them in the carriage and then you'd, you'd go into the carriage the next carriage? Yes. Yeah. I'd say nice to see you all. And I take my tin of hand and I'd go to the next carriage. What would you do there? Charge my phone. You can do that with other people. It's not necessary. can be alone. Listen to a podcast, relax people, my own thoughts,

enjoy my hunt. So, hun, soft blanc. Yes, quite nice. If I'm in a restaurant, you know, I want like a little cocktail or like a little like a like a rose, like a dry rose thing, but like on a train, little can of hun. Look, perfect. That's what's going on the menu. Even if you suddenly went, I want this amazing cocktail. We're not listening. You're getting a can of hon. Just to finish it before we go into dessert,

you're on a train table. What have a three comedians do you want there? Nice. So what I've been on tour recently, and happy with opening for me, they were very fun. So I had Heidi Regan. So we had a really lovely time together. Kate Lucas, we had a lovely time. And then I had Bella Harle, Lily Phillips.

Oh, you got to have a free. Oh, no, no, I had some others as well. I forgot. Maybe I'll throw a snail in there. So who's there? Who have you got? Three people. I hate it when you do this, but you're doing this on purpose because I'm not going to choose. He's asking that question on purpose, yeah. I know, yeah, he's asking about purpose, yeah. I think it would cause this much. It's you three, and you're all drinking hard, and you all have to enjoy it. That's three of us.

Yeah, and you have to enjoy it. I'm happily neck a hard-known on a hot dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chugs like you. We're loving it. Yeah, we're loving it. You're sitting back, please. I've got my headphones on.

I love sitting back. And then there's no. But nothing's charging. Nothing's charging. Yeah. Nothing's charging. And if the train comes, just sit back. It's a cow on the train. Yeah.

But your football up and down the carriage. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Still enjoying it. Yeah. Still having a nice time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. As long as I have enough. Yeah. Yeah. This cow really stinks. Right. Dream dessert. Okay. Sorry, I just was thinking. What happened then? Yeah, what happened, Harriet? There was someone else who opened me on tour, and then I couldn't remember who it was,

and I'm panic. Who wasn't? I don't know. I can't remember. I'm trying to be quiet. For a moment, you keep asking me questions. Yeah. You're doing a podcast, Harriet. Yeah. Welcome to the world of asking me questions. Yeah. So you're doing a podcast, how are you? Yeah.

Welcome to the world of broadcast. Yeah, here we are. It's fun to think. So you can't sit and just remember all your thoughts. So, like, when I was in the North, um, okay, um, there's someone else. Okay, um, so this, I'd like, you know, you have those, um, with a dessert thing, you can have like a little, um,

selection of desserts. Mm-hmm. So I'm going to have a little like selection. Okay. So chocolate Guinness cake. Nice. Very nice. You both had it? Yeah. I made it on the syllabus you bake off.

You made it? Yeah. Was it good? Yeah, it's amazing. Yeah. Very easy recipe as well. It's actually easy to make. It's really easy to make.

Yeah, I used it sort of based on the Nigella recipe for it. Yeah, look up Nigella's recipe first. Well, this is it. Yeah, and then Evelyn Markock made me a vegan one. Oh, nice. It was amazing. It's so good. So there's this cafe in Stretten that we used to go to twice a week and be like,

have you got the chocolate Guinness cake? And then it was so popular, it would never have it. But then I couldn't make it myself because then I'd have a whole, like it would just be too much. It's just so dark and rich, isn't it? So good too much like here we go. It's so dark and rich isn't it? You know good and that's frosting. It's like the cream cheese one. I made my own, I made up my own frosting which probably wasn't as good.

I use Bayley's in the frosting. It's not as good. I'm sorry. It's not as good. Yeah but it's not as good. It was the best cake on the day. Yeah. Even Paul Hollywood would be forced to it even though I didn't get starbaker.

Who got starbaker? Example. Well it was forget. It's abaker? Example. What was the get? Is it starbaker? Example got it. It's a place called a cafe Cecilia. It's really good. They do really good places.

They do, Pankney. I'm always on the hunt for places because it's not, it's not everywhere. Well, they don't do, so what they do is they do a Guinness bread that you can have like when you get there. And then for dessert, you can get Guinness bread ice cream, where they make great. And that is so good.

I can't imagine that. Why am I using it? But I don't like the drink Guinness. I'll take you there, ma. Thanks, ma. Is it like the drink Guinness? No, no, it's like, you just said you want in the same way.

Yeah, yeah, by the way, the chocolate Guinness cake is like Guinness. That's how much the bread is like. It's just the flavor is it in the, yeah. And then yeah, and then the ice cream has like, it's got that bread in it as well. But does it have like the frost, because the frosting is a bit of a success?

No, that's frost to the ice cream or the bread. It's not the same thing. So you've got this, you've got this chocolate Guinness cake. Are you? Yeah. Yeah. And then a scoop of cherry gauze, Ben and Jerry's ice cream, they don't do it anywhere,

they only do it now at those cinemas, it's bullshit. Discontinued. What? Something else, discontinued pretty much. This is the story of my life. Yeah. Also ice cream chiuits, they're my favourite chiuits, they don't do them anymore, you can hard to get them anywhere.

So do you want those on the platter? Maybe one of those, an equality street. They can come with a bill. Yeah, they can come with a bill. James already angry about that. Yeah, yeah do you like? I like the touch ones, the toffee ones. We work well together with the quality street tin.

The toffee, you guys are crazy. I wonder, you guys need a vincilline if you're eating the toffee one. I'm not having the toffee one. No, no, no, I'm having the fruit cream. I'm having maybe the orange one. I'm having the toffee one. Yeah, you're having the fruit purple one. It's, I'm saying we work together.

It's all in that straight now. We're in harmony. That toffee penny is fucking insane. food purple ones. I'm saying we work together. It's all in that way. We're in harmony. That toffee penny is fucking insane. Is it in all the coconut ones? Not in the bad light, my need to. Now that is what you're eating mate. Yeah. So bad luck.

You will after this podcast you're a great coconut. The good coconut. The good coconut. I'm trying to go for a minute. I'm all right. I'm all of those as well. I'll tell you what you like. Yeah, so that's my little amuse.

Is it called a mousse? Boosh or like a little. No, how I told you you like. Yeah, so that's my little amuse. Is it called amuse? Boosh or like a little opposite? So you've got Guinness cake. It's meant to be. But it's not it's not petty. I want it to be big. Yeah. So big size of chocolate. It gets a scoop of cherry gussier ice cream. It's still a quality street and I'm sure. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. So and hold on a packet. So actually, there's a really a selection of desserts because you can have a big bit again, it's cake with a massive scoop of butter, scoop of cherry gas in the same bowl. And then I'll just bring those sweets along with your bill.

I wonder what I'm not saying play though, so it doesn't work. Why do you want the chips on the same plate as you're? Because it's a pity for it. I don't know, it just, it looks, it's fun together. Are you thinking that the chiuets on the same plate as you would? Because it's a pity for. I don't know. It looks, it's fun together. Are you thinking that's fun? I'm in charge. Yeah.

It's very stream meal. I can't understand why. Maybe there's no reason. A bit of fun. Yeah, it's just nice. Do you want them mapped for you or mapped? Wapped. Wapped.

Like chiuets, you want to unwapped them. That's the thing I... Just one. That's what stocks me yet in chiuets a lot of the time. Well, I'm going to have it at chiuets for ages. A polar bear. Yeah. But I can't be bothered to have it at me every time. Have you had an ice cream, do you? They're so good and discontinued again.

Yeah, this is my life. Yeah, this is a good way of using the dream restaurant because you can bring things back. I can deliver it. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes people find them and they give them to me and it's really good. I think a lot of them are out of date by now. They're just quite hard. them and they give them to me and it's really good. I think a lot of them are out of date by now, but they're just quite hard. Good, Legion, make you fancy now. You feel about water. You would like sparring tap water. Poplarms are bred. Roads for catcher with oil and balsamic.

Yes, separate. Separate. You can do it yourself. Start a six pan-fried scallops with lemon, salt and chili. Main course, padana pizza, the gariya style. That means for the whole. With the salad in that you can eat for the first time. And this is in pizza dough. Side dish, James Jules and the giant peach waffle from utter waffle. Drink, hunt, soft, blank hunt on a train with us.

Yes. Does chocolate Guinness cake with cherry gassy or Ben and Jerry's ice cream, with also ice cream chow us. Yes. Does a chocolate skin, chocolate skin is cake with cherry garcia, Ben and Jerry's ice cream, with also ice cream chiuets and strawberry quality street. Just one of each. One of each of those. The Petty Four. Yeah. That's a little Petty Four either side. So I actually turned out for, I'd say remarkably insane episode that when you read the menu back, you wouldn't know. Really?

Like it makes sense to me. Yeah. I really thought about it because I knew I knew there'd be complaints and I really wanted to be very thoughtful about it. Yeah, I think it's good. I hope that deserves. That sounds great. Thank you. The chocolate, Guinness cake and cherry garce here. That's great. And the quality street. Well, no, I don't care about those. I deliberately admitted though. Yeah. Yeah, but the actual ice cream with the cake is that's great. Yeah. I mean, it's almost like you may as well

have picked chopped up for the cake and ice cream from pizza Express. No, it's not as good. It's absolutely not. This is it. I could look. It's a version of that. They were having a pizza Express. When you do go to pizza Express, do you have that dessert? I'm too full usually by the dough by the dough balls and the thing, but then they did have a nice carrot, like a vegan carrot cake for one. That was pretty good, but again, discontinued and their pasta, quite like their pasta, stop that. That was smooth, no big chunks. We've learned a lot today, Harriet, about you, about the animal kingdom. Thank you. Maybe call your special smooth no chunks. Yeah, smooth no chunks.

This has that vomit format doesn't it? Thank you for coming to the dream restaurant. Thank you. Thanks for having me. Well, there we are, the off menu menu of Harriet Ekemsley. You know, as expected, in that I did not know what was going to happen. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, as you said, the menu itself actually not that bad, but it's despite how it's fierce. Yes. If you just looked to the menu written down on a sheet of paper, you would not know that the conversation was, I was going to say bananas, but that's completely the wrong phrase to use. That's absolutely not bananas. A bit of people might point at the side dish and go, that's a, that's a dessert as a side dish. Yeah. But I like that. That just felt like a little twist, you know. I liked it. It's a bit of fun. But yeah, I mean, we learnt a lot there, or did we? I think we learnt that we don't know anything. Yeah. But what we definitely learnt is how it didn't bit caterpillars. She did not put, yeah, touch and go. Yeah. There, I mean, I guess, you know,

vegetarian, but the capillars have brains. They must do must do. They must do that there's the one in the giant peach. So, you know, coming back to the menu in a way. Yeah. The capillard that lives in the giant peach seems pretty on it. Yeah, a lot of peach chat. Yeah. So, we could have, you know, she could have accidentally in the caterpillar on her menu.

Hold on a second, Ed. Oh. She picked James in the giant peach. Yeah. Inside the giant peach is a caterpillar. Yeah. So we should have kicked her out. Should have kicked her out.

Hmm. That's the shame. The catapilla is not called Jules Benito. No. Jules are stuck. That's like a finito just asked me who the catapilla and the giant peaches are called Jules. If. Now, the big if.

Yeah. If Harriet had picked a column in the caterpillar. Kicked her out. Would we have had to kick her out? Well, it's not a dry catapilla. No, we couldn't have liked. Yeah. And I guess the caterpillar in the giant peach isn't a dried caterpillar.

It's a light living caterpillar. If anything, it's a juicy caterpillar. Yeah, yeah. It's got all peach juice in it. Yeah, it's very, very juicy. In fact, the mom's told about it now. The mom's doubting there is a caterpillar in the giant. Didn't you read the audio book?

I did read the audio book, and that's why I'm trying to think. I think there's definitely a grasshopper, a ladybird, silkworm. There's a worm. I'm not sure there's a caterpillar. I don't think there is a caterpillar. I think she's finding the way. Because one of the desserts we had on Great British Menu last year was James and the

giant peach themed, and the chef had made a jellyworm, made his own jellyworm coming out the side of it. Very nice. Yeah. And it had a balloon a helium balloon attached shirt with an edible string and you pop the balloon and it had peach scent in it. Oh, I thought you were going to say peach juice. Yeah, I'm going to be covered. Yeah. Do go and watch Harriet special. We don't know if it's out now or when it's going to be out. it might have come out during the course of you listening to this episode. Yeah, yeah, who knows, it might be out there, but seek it out.

And seek out everything that Harry does, it'll always be funny, it'll always be good value. And also my book, Glutton, The Multi-Course Life of a Very Gritty Boy is available now. Yes. I'm very happy with it. I'm very happy with it, I think it's great.

Thank you, recording this quite a long time ago, guys, and James hasn't read it. Huh? No, it's my favorite book. Thank you. I think it's brilliant. James does the audio book. A real page turner. I do the audio book as it. Thank you very much. We'll see you again. No, thank you very much. I'll see you again. Today's episode of the Off-Menu podcast is sponsored by Kozy. Oh, Ed, are we talking Kozy modulus sofas here? Yes, we are, James.

It's thoughtfully designed furniture made for modern living. I've often said, Benito needs to get some Kozy furniture for the off-menu studios, because at the moment, it's hell. And this is the thing, I've coated modular sofas, allow the owners to easily elevate any space. This whole space needs elevating. We want to choose the designs that we like,

configure the shape and number of seats for our space, pick our favorite fabric. This is what the studio needs, Benito, please. And we could add modules over time, if our needs change. You know, there's not enough space in here. What if we have the whole of Westlife on the podcast? I want some new shelf said. Yeah, we should get some new shelves actually in here.

Yeah, cozy of launch some new solid word modules, shelving systems called the altitude collection, James. They're super easy to assemble and the installation can be done on any wall in a couple of minutes. But you might be worrying about the customer experience. I often do that when I interact with a new company. What's the customer experience going to be like? Well, no need to worry with Cozy. It's free and fast shipping on all orders and they have over three and a half thousand five star of views. Plus this five year warranty and a

30 day risk-free trial. And the customer support is human. It's not bears like you get in some of these places. Transform your living space today with Cozzi. Visit Cozzi.ca, COZEY, to start customizing your furniture. COZEY E-Cast powers the world's best podcast. Here's a show that we recommend. In late 2007, the remains of a young woman from the Kaskin nation were discovered in the Yukon woods.

I always think about, I want to know what really happened. So I travel north to try to understand what happened and who was involved. It's a pretty big risk to come forward with the information that I have. I'm David Ritton and this is someone who knows something season eight, the Angel Carlet case, available now.

Acast helps creators launch, grow grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Hey Kest.com Hello, my name is Ian Smith. I'm Amy Gletto. And we are from the Northern News Podcast. Where we take a deep dive into the bizarre stories we find from the North. Hey, and if you like food, and I know you like food actually because you're listening to Off Menu. We've got stories about pigs getting cooked, stuff round about with crisps. We've got stories about gravy retling in carparks. We've got stories about restaurants getting one

star food hygiene retains. And record breaking yorks or puddings. And we've got special guests. But you may remember from off-menu episodes such as Macy Adam, Tim Key, Rosie Jones, Fatter Herl Gory, Phil Wang, and he hasn't been on off-menu, but we got Kevin Kennedy. He'll play Curly Watchs in Coronation Street. Take that, eh, Castor. So please, give a listen to the Northern News podcast. Every Thursday wherever you get your podcasts.

Listen to the Northern News Podcast. Every Thursday wherever you get your podcasts.