Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 226: Noel Fielding

Episode Date: February 21, 2024

The Mighty Boosh and Bake Off star Noel Fielding is this week’s guest diner. Will he be serving up some violent quiche? Noel Fielding stars in ‘The Completely Made-Up Adventures of Dick Turpin’ which is streaming on Apple TV+ from 1st March. Watch it here. Follow Noel Fielding on Twitter @noelfielding11 and Instagram @noel_fielding Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast that you're listening to right now. I'm here to tell you that I am on tour. UK and Ireland tour, Hot Diggity Dog is the name of the show. It's starting on March the 12th, going all over to lots of places. Go to edgamble.co.uk to buy tickets for what I believe is a very funny show. We'll have a nice time. See you there. Bye. Hot Diggity Dog! Thank you, James. Welcome to the off menu

podcast opening a tin of humor, ravioli pouring it into the pan of friendship, heating it up and the side dish and drink not in that order and this week our guest is No fielding no fielding an amazing comedian James of course look obviously national trash territory. Yes I would say I obviously we we are the age yes where when the bush came out on tv we were watching it all of our friends are watching it. Everyone was obsessed with him. So very formative comedy for us. Absolutely. No one doesn't want to hear that. Maybe it makes some sound old. But he's not. He was just doing cool comedy when we were late teens. Yes, very much so. And look, he's still doing cool comedy because he's in a brand new comedy series on Apple TV Plus. It's called the completely made up adventures of Dick Turpin. And Noel is the lead playing Dick Turpin.

Hugh Bonifold's in it as well. I'm very looking forward to seeing that pairing. I'm very looking forward to seeing it as well. It's an amazing cast. Ellie White's in it, Mark Woodson's in it, Tamsen Greig's in it, Assim Chowdhury's in it, Joe Wilkinson's in it, Mark Heapson. I mean, it's just this... Holy shit!

It's an absolute cavalcade. That would be fantastic. Also, Noel has ties to the food world with Bake Off. And this is nearly, I mean, not many people left now from the tent that day, the worst day of my life. No. So we've had, I've been on it as well. I had a lovely day. Yeah, you had a nice day. Loved hanging out with Noel. You had a really nice time. Have you seen Noel since the 10th?

This is the first time. Oh, man. First time on this. So he's worried about coming in here that you're still going to be in that mood. He had a good time. He didn't mind. I mean, I'm sure we'll talk about it. I'm sure it'll come up. It normally does, even with people who are completely unconnected to it. But listen, we love Noel Field, but if he mentions the secret ingredient, an ingredient which we deem to be unacceptable,

we will kick him out of the dream restaurant. We will. And this week, the secret ingredient is spicy carrot and coriander. Spicy carrot, curry, and ananda soup. I was trying to say it at the same time, I wasn't sure if we were going with just tasty soup or spicy carrot and coriander soup.

And then I tried to say coriander at the same time as you, but you'd said it. So I said coriander and and we should be saying the same time. So that's what they would do. Crimp in. Yeah, that's true. They would say exactly the same time. But too late now will never be the bush. We're not no one Julian and we never will be. No so, you know, I would be surprised if Noel picked something that is from his back cat a lot.

But if he does, we'll kick him out. He's gone, mate. But that would be a shame. But this is the off-menu menu of Noel Fielding. Noel Fielding. Welcome, Noel, to the Dream Restaurant. Hello. Welcome Noelfield into the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. Now can I just stop you there and say you're the genie and you've just appeared, right? Yes. No one rubbed the lamp though, did they? It's a very, very good point. You just come out willy-nilly, is that what's

happening? Yeah, and do you know what? Because that's the only rule I remember. Someone's got to rub the lamp. You've just got like a door, like a cat flap. Yeah. A genie flap. Yeah. OK.

Because you know what? We just did a tour, a live tour of this, and we would get the guests to rub the lamp every night. Yes. And yet, when we put that in, I was like, we never do this usually. Yeah, it's different. Why they rub it in the lamp light?

I guess it's different, because on the tour we had a big lamp on stage. They had a big lamp. Yeah, so that's easier to go to a guest. Right. Can you rub that lamp that's there? It's quite dodgy territory these days, isn't it? Yep.

Can you rub my lamp? Yeah, there was a lot of rubbing at the tip of the neck of the lamp and stuff. 20 years time, well, they forced me to rub this lamp. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a bit weird. It's a bit weird. It wouldn't age well, I guess.

But when it's audio only, especially at least you're aware of the genie being a thing, right? I love you do your own sound effects. Yeah, that's good, right? Yeah, that's probably one of the only things you have to be able to do as a genie. Yeah, do your own sound effects like Robin Williams, he'd do all his own sound effects. Because I guess if no one's rubbing the lamp, you have to do your own sound effects sound effects if you are coming through a cat flap you're just coming out a cat flap and going Yeah, I've got a little cat flap Genie flaps lovely. Yeah, do you think I'm chipped so it knows it's me

Magnet run you're coming. Yeah. Yeah That's important first time I saw you do stand-up. No, the first thing you said was about a cat I was a member because it was like it was before I did stand-up So I'd prove much, you know every gig I went to you remember just come away from it I remember everything. I think I remember when I was young and starting the people I liked I go and see and I remember everything They did and now when I go to a gig they go people go. What did he talk about? I talk about it and I go, I don't know I did. Some stuff. But I used to be able to do whole stupid leaves

with routines and stuff. The entire things. Yeah, I used to do a lot of animal stuff basically. But it wasn't, it was, you picked up the mic stand. Oh. And the legs went, Oh yeah. Just folded in and you went, oh it's like when you pick up

a cat and it goes all along. And I'll still think about it. Now if I you pick up a cat, it goes all long. I'll still think about it now. If I ever pick up a mic and it does that, I'm nothing of no going, oh, I've gone all long and doing it in the version of a cat. Well, you can have it. I used to do so much stuff about, I used to do so much stuff about animals. And the only other person really that was this one I started that used to do a lot of animal stuff was Ross Noble.

So we used to sit backstage and if we were on the same bit, we'd be like, okay, well, you're gonna have unicorns. But I'm having monkeys. We just sort of divvy out all the animals. Because they're such a cross-home. All those stories of like old school, the working men's club comics who had like the blackboard of all of the topics and jokes and they crossed them off when they came off. But it's just you and Ross know we're whimsical animals. Yeah, exactly. And then we'll speak like an old school,

slightly old school comedian there, just tattling. Yeah, yeah. This won't take off what these two are doing. This is not real comedy. Yeah. Also, like, much of furious those comics were, because when our generation came, we're the ones who just like watched all you guys.

Yeah. But those old school, it was still the same old school comedians on the circuit were, because when our generation came, we're the ones who just like watched all you guys. But those old school, it was still the same old school comedians on the circuit when we started. They hated us. We were even worse because they were like, we thought, we thought this was going to get better. Yeah, we thought it was a phase. These guys liked those idiots. They all talked about unicorns and monkeys. Where are the guys that liked us? I do remember the first time I ever saw Eddie Hizard. I remember watching, it was on Tally, I think. And I just caught the end of it.

And I remember thinking, I've not heard anything like this. And then when you go back, you go, okay, Richard Pryor, people, Steve Martin. Some people were doing stuff like that, mainly Americans. I remember when Hizard did it. And I remember thinking, oh yeah, this is not gonna be the same now after this.

And there was like a period where everyone was doing Izard. I think it was a period of time where not just comedians, but every single student was acting like you. There was a point where like, I think, I was doing someone who had consumed so much mighty boogers. They basically turned into one of the characters. And you go, don't talk to that guy at a party. It's a weird thing, isn't it? Because I was the same. I used to watch my favorite shows like Fry and Lauren and stuff and that kind of over

and over and over and over and over again. So you knew every single bit, which is such an odd, with comedy, it's really worked. Because he only works just the element of surprise. But there's something comforting about watching. And then I would meet people go, oh my God, I watched the Bush a thousand times and I just think, and I could never remember anything that we'd written.

They'd go, that bit where you did this, and I'd be going, I don't know. I don't know, that was Julian, I think. There's nothing to do with it. I don't remember. Yeah, there's so many people who didn't turn up to lectures at uni uni because all they did was sit in their room watching the Bush on Lime Wire.

It's like a different time though as well because now, I guess, I'm glad it's got back to stand up. It feels like it's got back, well, I mean, podcasts are amazing because they're sort of the new way of, you can do so much for podcasts, can't you? They feel like the right, they're like a sort of laid back stand up, a bit more jazzy stand up. But I remember there were programs, people made programs with scripts and rehearsed. It doesn't seem to be a thing anymore. And there are loads of people going, I'm not sure that's right and they have to change it. People would read, just like, what's this bit here? And we'd go, it's quite late when we wrote that. And now it's like, yeah, you'll be fine.

Come in. Just have a chat. Oh, but I'm assuming Noel, there was a script for the completely made up adventures of Dick Turpin. Lovely, James. Which is out on Apple TV. Truly lovely. Yeah. Pretty good, right? That was, I mean, he's not He's a bit of a bit segue flat. It was so smooth. Yeah, there was that. It was fun actually to do that again.

That was like, yeah, that's like a real program with scripts. And I did write a bit as well. So I forgot how hard it was to write. You can spend all day trying to fix one tiny little thing. And then it's so frustrating. But it is satisfying as well, but it's also very hard. I remember it's like pushing a big boulder up a hill. Julian and I used to get nothing all day, and then we'd leave.

And it was something about the act of leaving that we'd get something to go, I'll see you tomorrow. Oh, we could do this. Then we'd get undressed and go back in. All right, let's stay and write that. But I don't know, it's tricky. Now that I've got family and stuff, it's like, can you just write until midnight

or four in the morning? Do you just do writing on your own? No, there's a couple of other writers, so I would just dip in and out now. Nice. Yeah, I just dip in and out. Like I'm sort of some old, I'm so old, I just come in and go, listen guys,

let me tell you how this scene needs to work. It was perfect. They ignore me, I just rewrite it. That's listen guys, let me tell you how this scene needs to work. It was perfect. They ignore me and just re-write it. That's when you get your ideas right when you're leaving. So if you just keep dipping in and out. Exactly. About five times a day. I'm like, yo, yo, come in.

Don't stop my ideas. Every time he goes to the door, but this guy goes, oh, oh, hang on. It was fun actually, because I haven't done that sort of comedy for a long time. I kept trying to do it again, but after the bush, I was like, oh, this isn't as much fun. Or we were all mates, weirdly. So it sort of just evolved naturally, the bush. And then the problem is, is you try and manufacture that.

Again, it doesn't quite work. Or it's not, it just doesn't feel, it'll say it just all happened in the right way. It was like Edinburgh, then Radio, then Telly, then, you know, big shows. And then, so when you do a normal TV show that isn't that, you go, I listen as much fuzz. Maybe I should not do this kind of show anymore, which is why I ended up doing panel shows and then bake off. Cause I thought, oh, it's something else, you know?

Yeah. And it's different every day. Yeah. And also Julian was so funny. Julian was such a strange character because we, it was a bit like a marriage. So once it was over, it was like, you can still see each other, but you can't have sex anymore. It's like, that's over. That's some sacred time that we look back at and go, do you remember when we did that? It's like a dream, like your dream restaurant. Yeah, like my dream restaurant. Yes. So it is a dream restaurant. Yes. It's not a dream, like your dream restaurant. Yeah, like my dream restaurant. Yes. So it is a dream restaurant.

Yes. It's not a real restaurant. No, it's just like your dream. It's just a dream. Trying to write a joke about a dream. I said, I'm trying to write a joke about leaving my keys in a dream. Yes.

And then not being able to get them back. But luckily it's a recurring dream. So I'm waiting for it to come back. So I'm like, I'm trying, I can't quite make it work. But I want to sort of write a joke where I leave my keys in my dream. And then I go through all lots of different dreams to get back to the dream where my keys are. Can't make it work.

As soon as you get up to leave, you'll think about it. You'll solve it today. As soon as you leave and there, you'll go, guys. I've got it, guys. I could get a dream cap. It sounds like another TV show to me. I think you'll be back in in next year to talk about the Dream Keys show. Maybe I should mention that people say, retrace your steps.

You know, if people go retrace your steps, where were you? You go, I was actually having a dream. Maybe they're in there. There could be a dream guardian, a guardian who keeps the sort of... Paul McCartney. Yeah, like a lost property of it. Macca, that's definitely.

Make it be Macca. Do you think he'll do it? He wrote a song in a dream. Yeah, that's true'd be Macca. Do you think he'll do it? He wrote a song in a dream. Yeah, that's true. He's got better handle on dreams than anyone else. He's had the most amount of, like, success. He's had most dreams of anyone. Yeah, most successful dreams.

I go for quite long periods when I don't have dreams. Do you do that? Yeah, absolutely. Like, I mean... So we had that, haven't we? Yeah, apparently two nights ago, I was talking in my sleep, and my girlfriend was like, what were you talking about? I was like, I can't remember. Can't remember what it was. She was like, you're really stressed. Yeah, my girlfriend said I screamed once in my sleep. Wow. He was screaming

last night. Stunned in your keys. It's my keys! I can't remember. I'll never get them back. We always start with stillers sparked in water. Well, here's the thing, right? I prefer fizzy water as I call it in the childlike way. Waiters don't like to use the word fizzy today. Stillers sparked in water. I have fizzy. You mean spark?

No, fizzy. I like the bubbles, but here's what I've ruined it for myself. Basically I've got one of those taps where you can have sparkling water. And so now I've sort of overdosed on it. I've just had it all the time. So it's not special anymore. Are you waking up in the morning and having a glass of fizzy water? Just all the time. I'm addicted.

But it's like I've had it so much now. It's like I'm like Caligula. I'm just like I'm bored of the orgies. So now occasionally I have a still water in the way that I used to have a sparkling water. That's a treat now. Yeah. That's interesting. So if you're at a restaurant, you're like, oh, I'm out, I'm gonna have a still.

I do like Sam Pellegrino. Is that Sam Pellegrino? No, no, no, no. I think leave it as Sam Pellegrino. Yeah, slightly different. Sam Pellegrino. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sam Pellegrino. Yeah, it's slightly different to Sam Pellegrino. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sam Pellegrino is a man.

He's the guy who thought he'd have the idea to make Fizzy Water. Realized it already existed and just put an A in there. Sam Pellegrino, yeah. I like that one. I like the glass ones. I think when you try and put Fizzy Water in a plastic bottle, that doesn't work, does it? I know what you mean. I had a great fizzy water the other day in the restaurant from a glass bottle.

So I ordered some on Amazon, and it arrived in a plastic bottle, and it's completely killed the vibe. And it doesn't taste the same, does it? It doesn't taste the same. No, no, no. Bubbles don't bounce off the walls as vividly, I imagine. I imagine with the glass,

they're pinging about all over the place. Yeah. Imagine being a bubble, and then someone says, I'm gonna put you in a glass container. You'd about all over the place. Yeah. Imagine being a bubble and then someone says, I'm going to put you in a glass container. You'd feel quite good. You feel, yeah. You feel special. Someone gets, I'm going to put you in a plastic box

and you'd be like, what? Come on. What's this? They can't bounce around. Yeah. There's no way. I don't think that's as fun for them. It's difficult because I still love fizzy.

I'm going to have to go fizzy over still though, but yeah, I've been fizzy by having in taps. It doesn't taste the same taps. Yeah, it's a bit weird. So for your dream meal, you probably wouldn't want it out of a tap. No. Also, I heard Bob saying one Bob, what am I saying? Dried his mouth out fizzy water. And I thought, how can water dry your mouth? No, I'm queried him on that, and I was thinking, there's no point. We just can't, he won't answer us. I think we'd already done like half an hour before we got to water, so.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So just let him say that. Yeah, we've got to get to sugar and tea. So I think I'm going to go fizzy. But you know when people order, you know people make quite a big deal now about ordering tap water, don't they? In restaurants, I hate that.

It's really arcy, isn't it? I love tap water, thanks. Not paying for your water. You're like, you're in Heston, Bloomington. It's like, it's not going to hurt. I'll have tap water, thanks. But really, I agree. Well, you never know what Bloomington's going to do to the water, though, do you, if you're ordering to the water. So who does tap water? It's like, is there a pond around there? Just go and take this ladle and just get ready. Well, for you, if you ordered tap, you could mean fizzy water. Yeah.

Yeah. That's what you're used to. Yeah, that's true. I mean, if you can get fizzy water in your taps, why don't you just get umbongo or something? Yeah, that's a good point. Cream soda. It feels like the sky's the limit if we're getting sparkling water. I've got sparkles.

I mean, imagine that. Would umbongo be the dream thing to have at the tap? I think so. That's sort of dirty pink fruity liquid purely for the song. Yeah, yeah. Would it play the song every time you pour yourself a glass? The only good thing about having it come out of your taps is you go, Tronson water, when people come around you go, sparkling or stittling.

And they go, oh, this guy's got some quality about him. That imagine going unbongo, just chewing some quality about him. That matching going... Ambongo. Just doing some Ambongo. I've got it piped in. I feel like, oh, this guy's a serial killer. But you're one of the few people that people would go, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got Ambongo coming out of his house. Yeah, we're in our filming house.

He had Ambongo coming out of his taps. He washes with it. He has a full shower. It's really weird. It's a shower. It's really weird. It's one of the stickiest men you could ever meet. Is it still a thing on bongo? I think it is.

Is it? I think it is, yeah. I haven't seen it in ages. You can still get it. You can still do it. Is the carton the same? Yes, it's pretty much the same. If they'd done that thing though, this is what I don't really like about all those weird

things from the 70s and 80s were quite unhealthy, but they were delicious and they sort of go, hey, we're still party rings, but we're pretty healthy now. And you go, your party rings, dude, you don't need to go. It's like, they've sort of gone quite dull. I remember party rings were luminous almost. You could sort of see you way through a dark forest with a party ring. It's like it'd been laminated with plastic. Probably like a party ring with nuts. But like party rings are now quite dull. They're sort of a weird, natural color.

Yeah, Google party rings, Benito, Google image. They used to be so bright. They were luminous yellow. You knew they were bad for you, but they tasted amazing. Yeah, they were the color of Mr. Blobby. Yeah, and now- Do you think they have changed? Because you know how like when you're a kid,

everything seems bigger. Do you think it's also a how like when you're a kid, everything seems bigger. Do you think it's also a case of when you're a kid, everything seems brighter? Maybe. Maybe. Yeah. Your eyesight goes as you get older. If your heart earrings are duller. Yeah, that's not how I remember it. Your screen brightness turned up to max.

Yeah. They're almost muddy. They're muddy looking. That's a dark pink. Yeah, that's not good. Oh. That's where the brightness turned up to max. The yellow is still quite good. That's all right. I'd like to liquefy those now them coming out my taps Yeah, that would be good party rings as the genie if you want water

We'll change it to that. Yeah But the ones from the 70s and 80s. Yeah, luminous But the ones from the 70s and 80s. Yeah, the ones that are luminous. 70s and 80s, party rings, lip provide, coming out of your tap, shower in it. For my baths. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Have a bath in it. Because I imagine if you have access to a genie,

you could say, would you draw my bath for me, please? Well, I'm having... Yes, but you've got to be careful when wording wishes to genies. Yeah. Because obviously I would just draw your bath on a pad. Oh, I see. And then I go, there you go. That's what you wished for. And you'd be like, you, you know, Tricky Jean. That's one of my wishes gone. Yeah. Yeah.

There you go. I've drawn you a bar. You've got a picture of a liquified party ring bar. So it's quite good. It's got a nice drawing. I've got a photo of that now. At least the selfie. Popped up some bread! Popped up some bread, Noel Fielding! Popped up some bread! Oh my god, popped up some bread, Noel Fielding. Popped up some bread. Oh my God, popped up some bread. Bread. I've got to be for, you know,

you can show your face in that tent again. I'm not allowed to contractually I'm obliged to say bread. I did say on the show, I said, no one eats bread anymore. Do they, under 40? No one under 40 eats bread, I was terrified of bread. I don't want bread in me. Look at me. If I put bread in me. But like Paul Hollywood makes his own bread, obviously,

every day and he always says, if you make your own, you don't put any of the bad stuff in it. It's healthy. It's good for you, in fact. And I'm thinking, I'm not 100% sure it's good for you. I mean, he looks great. He looks great.

Hollywood. Sure, but you know. That's his blue eyes though. Yeah, it's the eyes. He put those eyes in anything. Yeah, yeah. Still be hypnotizing. They're like party rings.

I imagine Paul Hollywood holding two party rings over his eyes and looking through the back. Oh my God. It's like a bush baby. Yeah, yeah. I look like a little bush baby. So blue. Sometimes he catches me looking at them.

Yeah, I bet. He's like, what? And I'm like, nothing, just... They are blue. I think maybe as blue as Paul Newman's. Yeah. Oh, easily. It's nuts.

They're like a husky's eyes, you know, sort of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, gave a throne-style eyes. They're a little bit scary, actually, a little zombie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're Game of Thrones-style eyes. They're a little bit scary, actually, a little zombie. Yeah, yeah. They're Oscar, they're unsatling. Because they're not necessarily kind eyes. No.

No, cold. And we've had him in, he was very lovely. Yeah, was he? Well, they're not kind eyes. No. He didn't remember you. Didn't remember you. He's like, I know you've been on Bake Off,

but I can't remember what happened. I was like, you're kidding me. I had a fucking meltdown pull. Didn't remember. First thing you said when you got here, you said last time I saw you was mid-breakdown, wasn't it? I was like, yes, thank you, no. Thank you for remembering it.

It's nice. You know what, you held it together quite well because I knew you were struggling, but I didn't know the full capacity. Yes. But you were aggravating the breakdown. No, it was great. You were the only person who at least to my face was constantly finding it funny. Yeah. So everyone else was kind of like, it was a little like, okay, this guy's not doing great. We maybe need to keep an eye

on him. And every time you came up to me, you were just laughing nonstop. This is very interesting. Whether it was on camera or off camera. You were using it. You used it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was leaning into it. And I think you recognise that. I would like why this is funny. It was like that thing, you know, when someone's tripping

and having a bad trip. People say, we'll go with whatever they're talking about. And start asking them about what meetings they've got tomorrow, because they're going to freak out. So they go, God, I've got a lion's mane. And you go, you have got a lion's mane. But that's a good thing, you know? Don't start going, what time have you got to be at work tomorrow?

Because I'm sure you're going to make it. Yeah, I mean, when I was like, yeah, I seen eggs and stuff. Yeah, you were icing eggs. I was just like, cool. And who's this egg? That's pro. Yeah, it is. It does look like pro.

You know what? It was kind of amazing. It was like art, what you were doing. Yes. It was like performance art. And what you were making was like sculpture. It was like art. And when you've been in the tent as long as I have seven years,

you get less for manslaughter. But when you've been in the tent as long as I have, it's quite interesting when someone just goes, no rules, I'm just gonna start using this food as my playground. Yeah. The devil's playground. That was by the final whatever, yeah, the showstopper. But I mean, the technical was the peak breakdown.

Yeah. When you were coming over and being like, so how many of these have you made? I was like, I've made none of them, no. I don't know why anyone would ever fucking break. I don't get it. You know what? The weird thing about baking is right,

and they keep threatening to do this to me. I don't know anything about baking at all, other than theoretically, I probably am quite a powerful baker until I know everything, but I've never tried it. So I think it's one of those things that unless you bake a little bit, you can't just come in and completely wing it.

But I think comedians know they can wing things, sort of quite good improvising to think, I can wing baking, it's like science. So every time, you just get deeper and deeper into the madness of baking. And so they always go to me, you should go on it. You should go on the celeb one just for a joke. And I'm like, that's not, I don't, that won't be funny. That'll be, have you seen it? Well, when I did it, Matt was on because there were loads of, yeah. And he was really having a breakdown again. Yeah.

He was not happy with what he did. He told me to fuck off. I'm sorry. Because I just came up and was laughing at him. He was like, fuck off. Because I don't even, I'm really sorry. I'm just really stressed. And I was like, are you joking?

But like it really got to him. Yeah. And I think he felt extra pressure because he was supposed to be good or something. Right. Because I just literally, they go, you've got to come on the show today as a baker and I go, not happening. Not happening. I will make a genie cat flap. But I'm not baking for anyone. Sandy had to fill in for Big Nasty the series that I think the day before I came in to do Mike. Yeah, they were like, Big Nasty did day one and didn't turn up on day two.

And Sandy had to fill in for him. I mean, if you ever think you're like, big nasty, did day one and didn't turn up on day two. And Sandy had to fill in for him. I mean, if you ever think you're loose, you know, painting, doing comedy, big nasty, I don't know how. It's really funny, but I don't know how he gets from A to B. It's like, it's just remarkable. I think he thought I was Neil from the young ones. I was like, that was in the 80s.

I'd be like, 90. But he was just like, you're Neil, aren't you, from the young ones? And I was like, no. That guy, Nigel Plano, is about 75 now. But like, when you say that to him, he just gets, yeah, yeah, Neil. And that's it. You're Neil from the young ones. Like, his reality is whatever he says. But like, when you say that to him, he just goes, yeah, yeah, Neil.

And that's it. You're Neil from the O-Rounds. So like, his reality is whatever he says. Yeah, it's amazing. So what kind of bread are we talking about? Do you want it from the Bake Off tent, or from Paul Hollywood to bake it? Oh, you know what?

He did help me make a loaf once. I made a loaf once, and he got behind me like a ghost. You know, it was quite essential. That's good. These big hands, like lion's paws, his blue eyes, I could feel them boring into my neck. And I made quite a good loaf and I made toast. I love toast.

Yes. It's a thing for me. So what I'm going to say is garlic bread. Lovely. This is a bit perverse because everyone thinks I'm a vampire. So it's a bit like a obscure form of self-harming. Yeah. Yeah, I'm a vampire and I eat garlic bread.

It's not bad for you. I'll be fine. But I think I really like toast and I really like garlic. I'm half French, so maybe that's why. But I really like garlic. So I like making my own garlic bread. And I make it too strong. Definitely.

Everyone I've ever made it for is like, oh my God. Do you know that some people are panicking about, I'm gonna smell, my breath's gonna smell like garlic. And some people are just like, oh, when you have strong guys, like ginger sometimes sort of can send you into the future for a few seconds. You know, like, cliz all your paws out and like, yeah. Something happens if you go into almost into a trance.

I imagine like when shame and the roots, it's that sort of thing. You sort of go, you're a nob's garlic bread. All the shame and come round for it. I imagine it's like not that much, like probably like five minutes into the future. Your garlic bread. So you just, it's almost pointless.

You just go forward to when you finish in the garlic bread. You just miss the end of the show you're watching. And then you're really annoyed and you can't get back. That is the most annoying amount of time to go into the future. Two and a half minutes. Two to four minutes, yeah. Two to four minutes. I was boiling an egg and then I don't know what happened.

Now over in the future. It's different in the future, isn't it? No, it's two and a half minutes into the future. It's exactly the same. No, I heard you went into the future. Watch Change, we'll part your rings on. It's good, I'll tell you that right now. How much garlic do you put in them?

What's your recipe for your garlic bread? About six. Six. Six garlics? Six chunks. Six chunks, yeah. Six chunks. Well, there's the garlic, isn't there?

What are the sections called? Cloves. Cloves, that's it. Yeah, there's the bulb and the cloves. The bulb. Oh, I like that. The bulb. Garlic bulb.

Well, I love breaking the garlic bulb. Yeah, that's fun. It's like a tangerine that way. A stubborn tangerine. Safely toast chocolate. Yes. I like breaking the bulb as well. I love that.

But it's annoying when you're like, I've got a good one here and it comes out as a little baby one. Yeah, that's not good, is that. I like that. I like peeling. It's very satisfying, isn't it? You sort of break the bulb or come to the open and then you pick, you select the best chunks, don't you? The best clothes. And then you think, well, that one will probably send me two minutes into the future. That one may be four, a bit bigger. And you have to pill the actual skin. There's all that sort of excess weird skin, like dry skin. Yeah. But that's fine if it comes off nice and easy. Because snakes shed its skin. If they come off like full panels, that's great. When they've stuck to the actual thing itself and you have an appeal that off

shred by shred, that's upset. And what is that? Is that because it's been in the drawer for too long? Yeah. I think you put it in the drawer for too long. Because how long does garlic last? I mean, I'd say I get rid of it when it starts growing the tendrils at the top. Yeah. The big green tendrils. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like speaking of women, asking people. Yeah. Yeah, when you wake up in the garlic looks like tickling, tickling your chin. When I was a little kid, my mum had this really big cheese plump and it was sort of, it was over by one wall, but in time it sort of got so big that it was kind of half over the door. It was like the door frame was here and it was sort of edging in and I was just the right height so that every time I walked past it was like it just touched my bum. It's like us being molested.

By cheese blood. It's horrible. Yeah, it's weird. And then we moved it and it just died. It's like we'd had it for 10 years. It was amazing. We moved it to a different part of the house and it just went right, fuck you. Your butt was keeping it alive. Yeah. Oh no. If I can't touch that right. Fuck you. Your butt was keeping it alive. Yeah. Oh, no. If I can't touch that child, 12 year olds butt, I'm out. Life's not worth living anymore, man, but I'm that 12 year old butt. Yeah, killed itself.

I don't even know how you kill yourself. You can't control over your own water intake or life. I'm stopping photosynthesis. That's where it was getting its, if the sun shone out of your ass, no, maybe that's where it was getting its vitamin D from. Straight out your butt. Vitamin B. Vitamin butt. I think about that, cheese plant quite a lot. That was my first relationship with him. Not as much as I used to think about you, I imagine. Yeah.

When you were in school, just sitting there. Where's he gone? I can't wait. Let me get back. I wonder if he's going to be wearing, is it the Liverpool shorts? Or the Fela tracksuit. Well, every trackuit is a Fela tracksuit for that cheesecloth. Let's start your dream menu proper, your dream starter now.

Okay, well I thought about this and you know what, I really like fruit. I don't really like food, I just want to say I'm quite eyes and ears. If you think about the senses, my eyes, I love looking at things. I can hear really well. I can hear like someone folding a map in the next street. Really weirdly, good hearing. It's like super hearing.

I don't really like smelling things. And I don't really like putting things in my mouth. It's just to have a bit of a weird thing. I don't like feeling full. I'm waiting for them to invent tablets. I sort of can't wait for NASA to start sort of doing pop-up restaurants. You know, so you'll have food in those tubes. Yeah, yeah, like dried astronaut food.

I can't wait for that. Really appeals to me. So you must love a froob then. That must be. Yeah. Surely. Oh, mate. There were these things in the 70s called swizzles, swizzlers or swizzle sticks. And it was like the stick that you be surely. Oh, my, there were these things in the 70s called swizzle swizzlers or swizzle sticks. And it was like the stick that you could eat. And then the two packets of sherbet. Yeah. I think it was.

And lemon. And you would eat the sherbet off the stick and then eat the stick. Yeah. It's one of those free with the bean-o ones. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. Love those. Loved them. Little sachets.

I mean, I used to fantasize about, you know, just all food becoming like that. Sashay based. Yeah, or tablet based. That's a scrambled egg, there you go. Yeah. Just roasted. Now I've been quite happy with that. Yeah. You know, a lot of my friends are foodies, my wife's a foodie. Julian was a foodie. Julian

was almost like, orgiastic. It's like, he'd be going, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, you know, oh, you tried this, oh, it's just like, you know, almost rolling about the table. Ordering loads of stuff that you couldn't eat, especially in curry houses. Just so many dishes, and you know you're not going to get through them, and just almost in a reverie and a trance, and I'd be like, I'd have half a corn, I'm done now, I need to go away.

So I thought about starters, and I thought, I really like fruit, but people always have fruit at the end of a meal. Yeah, I guess so. And I think it's better for you if you have it at the beginning. So I thought, I'll have some fruit to start me off. Yeah. And I thought, I like light cheese.

So I'd like a refreshing bowl of light cheese. That sounds absurd. It's our first time that a bowl of light cheese has got a shout out, I think in any course. A bowl of light cheese. A bowl of light cheese. A bowl of peeled light cheese. You don't wanna peel them.

I don't wanna peel them. They're quite stub on the skin. Yeah, but it's garlic, you enjoy the peeling, right? I do, but not, you know, the Satsuma is so, so satisfying, isn't it? The loose Satsuma, when it- The easy peelers, yeah. When it't it? The loose that sumo. The easy paylors. When it takes its jacket off.

I love that. But I feel like the light you're getting a tiny bit every time and you're just thinking, this is ridiculous. But I love the way they look because I'm all about the eyes really. And I love the way they smell. It's like perfume, isn't it?

Really odd. Something almost you shouldn't put in your mouth. They smell like sort of rubbers or erasers or they smell like some sort of perfume your mum used to wear. And you go, this shouldn't go in your mouth. Funny texture as well. Really weird texture.

But satisfying, weird color. They're like eyeballs or something, aren't they? They are. The only time I really see them used is when people are like making Halloween things where you put your hand in a box and go, oh, this is eyeballs and it's just a bottle of light cheese. That sort of gray color, really odd.

It's fleshy though, isn't it? It's really fleshy. I like that. And I love the smell. I love the taste. And I love it when they've been peeled for you. I think sometimes in an Indian restaurant, they'll give you light cheese as a dessert.

So if you were in an Indian restaurant with Julian, you're just watching him eat, I'd have one light cheese. 50,000 boners. Buna. 50,000 boners. Yeah, I literally, this is a true story. I think when me and Sergio went to the snooker to watch Ronny Oh,

Sullivan once, he hadn't been playing for a long time and he came back and he was winning. He was in the final. He hadn't been playing for a long time and he came back and he was winning. He was in the final. He hadn't done any practice. I remember at the interval, we said to him, right, Ronnie, you're sticking around. So at the interval, I'm going to go for a career. Going to get a Boona.

He wasn't even thinking about a match. He was just thinking about Boona. He hadn't done any practice, and he won. It's like so in the waiting for everyone one. It's like so annoying for everyone else. It's amazing, isn't it? I know. A Buna with Ronny A. Sullivan. Did you have a Buna with Ronny A. Sullivan? No, sadly we couldn't.

And I think this is because we had to get back because I think it was when Sirgis Gelfrin was pregnant and was about to give birth any moment. So we wanted to get back in case it happened. So we sadly, we couldn't go for a Boona with Ronnie S. Sullivan, which is one of the biggest regrets of my life. Yeah. Yeah. Love to have a Boona with Ronnie S. Sullivan. But then I sort of got him to read something out for me to a voiceover for this character that I did on the show called Fantasy Man.

And it was one of the funniest readings of all time because he just did it straight. Yeah. Yeah. And he did it. He read it. It was like a paragraph. It had a few jokes in it, and at the end, he sort of sighed. Like, you went, Sweet kept it. It was amazing. But yeah, so in Indian restaurants, sometimes you get those like, what I'm saying is, it feels clean, that food. I like clean food. Yeah. Refreshing. I like clean food, refreshing.

I feel like almost, you know when they take the stone out, they've peeled it. It's almost like I want a small gerbil or a mouse to wear those light chees like fists, get inside me and just wash my organs. That sounds really weird, doesn't it? It's escalated. Well, do you want that in the dream meal?

Do you want the gerbil or the mouse? Do you want the gerbil wearing the light-g-box? Do you think a marsupial or a mouse? A marsupial feels more gerbil. Yeah, choose a gerbil over a mouse because I think... Is a gerbil a marsupial? It is, isn't it? No. What is it then? It's not got a pouch, is it? It's got a pouch, I think. Is it? Yeah. Gerbils have pouches. No way. I think a gerbil is a marsupial. What the? Or is it a desert rat? A rodent. Gervals have pouches. Which I think a gerbil is a marsupial. What the? Or is it a desert rat?

A rodents. A rodents. I've got that wrong. I've been living a lie. How many people have you told that a gerbil is a marsupial? Oh no. I've had a lot. I wish it was a rodent.

I know it's one of those things. She's got a pouch. So the gerbil wears two light shears on either fist. Yeah. I don't know how it's getting inside me. Yeah, which one? Which one? You want it to mask up, right?

You want to have a COVID mask on as well if it's doing this. I would imagine. It's already COVID once. Yeah, I'd imagine you'd want that. If he was going to be clean. Well, I'm not hat. The doctors were long hair. Yeah, yeah.

I was a chef. Yeah. I'm both. So I'm wearing that plastic hat and a shower. Why was I imagining it dressed as a boxer, because it's silk shorts and maybe a headband. Yeah, yeah. And a mouth guard.

So I've got a nail make on my sewing machine. Silk, boxer, short. Tiny COVID mask. Shower cap for his hair. Because it's got a mullet. This is Australian, because it's a marsupial or roe deer. And then it wears them like fists. It wears them like boxing gloves.

Gets inside me. We're not sure how yet. Yeah. What would you want? Foo the mouth or the Richard gear? Oh, man. I'd just let's go up Richard gear. Yeah. Yeah.

You have a genie, so you could just the genie could just zap it straight into the stomach rather than having to insert it into your anus. And then it washes my organs the way someone would wash a car on a hot summer's day. Yeah, with a bucket full of lychee juice. Yeah, also it's also dipping the lychee box in lychee juice. Yeah. And then just using them in like squeegees. Working its way up here. And how long do you think it would take the gerbil to do all of your organs wash all of your organs couple of days? Yeah, so that's a bit so long start. Yeah, so I'm under Yeah, when you come to you feel incredible. Yeah, yeah, you would actually yeah, that's my kind of star Yeah, that's a good start. Yeah, you're gonna feel great. Yeah, that's my kind of star. Yeah, that's a good start. You're gonna feel great.

Your dream main course, love. Dream main course. Okay, so there's a place in Big Sur, I went to America and I went to Big Sur and it was a place where all the beat writers used to eat. Yeah, East Street Hamburg is there, Karowak, Richard Brotigan used to go there, who's my favourite writer. And I just sort of, I was very excited about going to eat somewhere where all these beat writers and cool people are eating. It's called the Nepenthe. Nepenthe, and it's basically the view is just mountains, beautiful place. And the hamburger is supposedly, everyone just would say, you got to go there for a hamburger. It's the greatest hamburger of all time. And I do quite like hamburgers, but

so I went there and the waiter came over and I said, I've had the hamburgers really good. And he literally went, well, little brother, we've been making them for 50 years so it should be he was like Shaggy from Scooby Doo Gee Scoob you gotta get the burger he was amazing yeah he was animated i don't know how they did that so that point when he certainly did that, you must have been done by then. I was in. I was like, who's this guy?

And then he was, there were so many people then. It was just him. He was the only waiter and he was sort of bobbing about. And I just kept saying, I don't care about the food. I just want that guy to come back. Every time he came back, it was the most amazing experience of my life. And then I did have the burger

and it was the greatest burger. Amazing. Well, it was like, I don't, you know, like nowadays, they always have very tall burgers, don't they? You know, you go into a burger place, gourmet burgers are very tall. They're almost like, they have to sometimes put that stick into your,

so top it over. And you can't, how do you eat those? I don't know what. There's too much stuff in there. So I quite like the little flat burgers. Who's the fella in Popeye? Is it Wimpy? Yeah, he's the sir. He's the sir. He won't gladly pay you Friday for a hamburger today. Do you remember?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And his hamburgers look nice. Yeah. He'd be putting them away. I really wanted a Wimpy hamburger. Was wimpy named after him? Must be. Yeah, maybe. That can't be a coincidence, can it? He was called Wimpy, wasn't he? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he looked like W.C. Fields. He looked drunk as well, didn't he? Yeah, yeah, I mean, I'm glad

Lupy. Yeah, something was going on with him. Yeah. If they're done. Oh, my friend. He had a weird way of speaking. Yeah. Like W.C. Fields. Like the waiter. Well, my friend. Oh, the waiter was out of control. Whoa, little brother. A little brother. G-School. It's such a good voice.

I can't believe it. UK Comedians, we tend to like, we go abroad, especially America. And like, people don't know who we are over there. And then you get more character. I think you encounter more characters. He did. And I think here, if you went into a restaurant and they've got a weird waiter,

they're not sending that guy over. It's like, do you want to go over to Noel Field? No, I'm not. Yeah. I'm too weird. You think they're self-aware enough to go on too weird? I'm too weird for Fielding. I love it.

In America, they don't care. Yeah, it will use it. It will talk about it on a podcast. I'm not going over there. Whereas that guy's just like, who's this? I don't know who this bloke is. Well, brother! And it's like, you get to have that treat again. Like before you were famous. You're like, oh, this is great. I get the weird guy. There was a guy in a restaurant called the Gaye Hussar. I think it's closed down now that was in Soho and lots of politicians used to go there and

I think they did some deal where if you were in a theatre show in Soho or in London you could get a cheap meal before if you were an actor. So it was a sixties thing they were famous in the sixties and seventies and it's called the Gay Hussar and it was Polish food I think and the guy that ran it the sort of Matriod was one of the weirdest people of all time. We used to go there just for him. And he would just say obscure things like a stand up and then just leave and just hover over to your table and go, excuse me, what? It says you can get baked beans here. And he'd go, what's that about? And he'd go, well, if you're interested in the greatest big beans of all time, then this is definitely a dish

that I would recommend. And then he'd just leave. And then he'd say really weird stuff, like John Major was in here a few months ago. And I saw him enjoying the beans. And then he'd sort of be gone. Like he'd come over and they'd be gone. And then he started talking about,

he found a card on the floor, a kidney donor card. And he went, I could never give my organs away. I'm going to list a bunch of people that you've worked with. And you got to tell me who's met the man, who's met him. Oh, OK. Fulcher. Yeah, Fulcher has definitely met him. Barry. He's a bit like Fulcher. Weird. I wouldn't say he, okay. Fulcher. Yeah, Fulcher's definitely met him. Barry.

He's a bit like Fulcher. Fulcher, he's weird. I wouldn't say he sounds like a Fulcher character. Fulcher, he's a character. Julian, definitely. Don't think Matt Barry ever, oh, but I think Matt Barry might have experienced, he's a quite a Soho character, Matt Barry.

I think he might have known about him. I don't think he ever went with me. Farnaby? Definitely. Farnaby and Julian were quite tight. Yeah, Farnaby would have met him at some point. Interchangeable. Yeah.

Tall northern men with small eyes. They were very tight. Alice Low. Alice Low ever met him? I'm going to say yes. Weirdly, the gaff, the merengues, the bush. That whole crew. It was like we were MC5 and they were the stooges. And they got a record deal for do you do? And we were furious. It's like, hey, these young guys are amazing. Channel forward. Yeah, we'll have them. We were like, wait a second.

That's not what we meant. We used to play the hand in checkings. And Matt Berry would come along and do a weird act. And then Garth would open for us. Yeah, it was a strange old night. You can imagine it. I was amazing or the worst thing anyone's ever seen. Because if people weren't into it, then there was a lot of

things that were going on. And then Garth would open for us. And then Garth would open for us. And then Garth would open for us. And then Garth would open for us. And then Garth would open for us. And then Garth would open for us. Yeah, it was a strange old night. You can imagine it either was amazing or the worst thing anyone's ever seen because if people weren't into it, then there was nothing else coming. It's like the money was just going, it's the same. And now, the guy from Big Sweat, hey little brother! I'm not this guy. Oh, it's been shown here, the famous Ambrosia burger. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. The famous Ambrosia burger.

It is absolutely incredible. Is it like a smashed patty? Yeah. See, that's in now. That's back in. Is it? The smashed patty. Yeah, because for a while it was like, like you say, the big thick burgers, the tall burgers, putting an onion ring in, all that stuff.

Yeah, too much stuff. And now it's back to smash. I love the little, the tall burgers, putting an onion ring in all that stuff. Yeah, too much stuff. Now it's back to smash. I love the little, the wimpy burger. Yeah, yeah. And they're quite cheap in America, those burgers, but they still taste quite good. There's a lot more pride in their burgers there, in making a good burger. And there's places here that get that now. There's some really good burgers now in the UK.

But for a while, it was just like Beinemburg or whatever. It seems like they're the best burgers. I couldn't get on board. No, I couldn't get on board. Weird. Just go to Black Bear in Brixton. Black Bear. They're Miso Burger. Yeah, that's insane. Miso Burger. What? This is witchcraft. What's that? A Miso Burger. That might be the best burger I've ever had. That sounds like one of my jokes. There's a black bear in South London who's handing out me so burger.

I could close with that. At the end of Give Me a Kiss. Perfect close. Ow! Oh, it's my key. Thanks. What is your dream side if it's not the baked beans then? Wow, I mean, I'm thinking that it should be the baked beans.

I really like mashed potato. Baby food spilled in my ex-girlfriend used to call me. I used to like all these rusks. Really? Oh yeah. Yeah, that's still quite amazing. Have you ever had one recently? Not recently, no. They're still good.

And they've got a bit of Nasser in them. They're in like a foil. Yeah. It's a cardboard packet. And then there's a foil protective. To make them keep for ages, right? I guess you can just, yeah. Yeah, they're still quite malty. And they've got like a nice sort of,

I like that malty. I'm a sucker for malt. I like a malt milkshake. I love a chocolate malt milkshake. I mean, in a way I haven't included that, but it's one of my favorite things. But I like mashed potato. My dad makes really good mashed potato.

It's the best mashed potato really. And whenever we're at a restaurant, it's like a family thing where we'd always go, see if the mash is as good as dad's. It never would be. Occasionally it would, but we'd always say his, see if the mash is as good as dad's. It never would be. Occasionally it would, but we'd always say his was better. It's not as good as your dad thinking this is much better. I had really good Gordon Ramsay mashed potato once.

In Claridge's or somewhere. I remember thinking, oh, Ramsay nailed the mash. Yeah, he wasn't in, obviously. It was his staff, but he might have been in. He might have been in. Sometimes he's in. It's definitely his recipe though. And I've had, you know, obscene mash, you know, mash that's so runny, you just go,

this is a drink. You need a hip flask for this. And is it puree? I don't know what that is. It's like, what's this? I need a pint of mash. Yeah, no, thank you. It's too much. Yeah, I'm not. See, I don't mind the runny mash. You, no, thank you. It's too much. Yeah, I'm not even, I'm not. See, I don't mind the runny mash. I like the runny mash, just more like a sauce.

Yeah, and also the French one where they put, I don't know what it's called now, where they put like so much cheese in it, almost becomes like a potato fondue. Cheese mash. I love that sticky potato cheese glue. I love it. Choy, onion mash.

Yeah. I do like the mashes, but I think the puree one's a little bit too runny for me. It's like soup. And then, but I think the pure ones a little bit too runny for me. It's like soup and then but maybe a hip flask of Mesh you're like a hip flask of mash. Yeah Yeah, I mean, I'm running mash. How are you gonna get the mash out? You're gonna take a swig and nothing's gonna It's gonna have to be the running mash, isn't it? Who would do a good running mash? Heston?

Heston I do run I went to a pop-up restaurant. Heston's once. It was 18 courses. I was done after three. I was so angry. I went through such a series of emotions. I think I cried at one point. It's like torture.

I went with loads of my friends who were real foodies. They were loving it. And me and my other one friend were going, oh no, please no more. There was like four desserts and at that point you were so full and you hated yourself. You'd actually, at one point they brought a mirror and you just looked at yourself

and reassessed you, re-evaluated your life on this planet. This is you now on course 15. And you're like, I used to get naked and just looking and then there were so many, the pallet cleansers were like courses in themselves. So there was only, there were like four pallet cleansers and 17 courses. The desserts were like ridiculous.

They were like gold leaf sort of, you know, I don't even know what they were. There was some bell that was made out of gold leaf. It was insane. But I remember just at the end, I was like, I was so angry with Heston because I just was like, this is horrible. And then I saw him about a week later

at Jimmy Carr's party and I couldn't look him in the eye. I was like, I can't even look at this guy. It ruined me because I really don't like feeling full. Yeah. I mean, that story was told to the wrong guys. That sounded like absolutely. That's what you were going. Yeah. Apart from being a Jimmy Carr's party, it feels like great.

But you think you'd be able to nail the running mass, the hip flask of mash. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Good mash, though. So we should whack that in the hip flask. Yeah. Nice. Probably say the Heston. I wanted to taste it exactly like my dad's mash, but be runny. Runny enough to drink.

Yeah, like let's purify my dad's. You could probably figure out a way of doing that with science. Yeah. You probably could, couldn't you? And then get a little hip flask made of meringue or fondant. That's good. Oh, you'd like to eat that at the end as well? Yeah, you got to eat the hip flask.

The meringue's going to disintegrate. When you open it, that's what dry ice comes out. Maybe, yeah, you need a bit of that. It was made of rusks. The hip flask. Oh, rusks. A rusky hip flask. Farley's Rusk. Yeah.

Hip flask filled with runny-heston mash. Runny-heston slash my dad's mash. Yes. Yes. Your dream drink, Noel. Even though you just had a hip flask full of runny mash. I mean, that is my dream drink, isn't Even though you just had a hip flask full of ready-matchers. I mean, that is my dream drink, isn't it?

You know what? When I was a little kid, you could get these 10p ice poles, and they were cheap as chips. I don't know, in any news agent, you would open that coffin, you know that? And you could get these quite fat ice poles. I don't know if they were ice pops or ice poles.

Poles. Poles, I think. Well, I was, yeah. They were long lines. Oh, that's what we called fat ice poles. I don't know if they were ice pops or ice poles. Pulse. Pulse. Well, I was, yeah. They were long ones. I thought we called them ice. They were really bright colours. Like blue, the bright blue one. Bright blue one. That looked like, that was quite space foodie. Yeah.

Yeah. It was like NASA's pop-up restaurant. And so basically, but there were these fat ones that were 10p. So we used to go and play, and some holidays when we were young, we used to go on our BMXs to, this is our old home, and then we'd go and play tennis. We'd get the tennis court early. So we'd go to this park where there was a tennis court, and you had to get in there quick otherwise you wouldn't get the court. So we'd have like five of us playing all day, and we'd have like a pound for lunch. So like you'd have some crisps on a Mars bar,

and the rest of it you'd just spend on maybe a tango or a Fanta probably in those days. And then you'd have like 20p left and you get two ice poles. And I don't know what they were. They were probably just all food coloring. Chemicals and stuff. Chemicals. Absolutely chemical water with chemicals in it.

It was a lemonade one. It's so good, the juice from that. And I always used to think, why can't you just get this as a drink? I mean, you can, but it's just that little bit at the end of the bag. You see through a sleeping bag with the juice at the end. You save that for the end and you drink it. I guess I'll let a pint of that.

Would it work to let them melt and then just swig the whole thing? I don't know about that. The problem is... OK. The genie knows. It's almost as if someone's tried this. Is that when you wanna do that, you're not old enough to have the discipline

to let it melt. So we all think maybe as a kid, we think they should just sell this as a drink. This bit at the end is my favorite bit. And then, I remember buying an ice pole and being like, this one, I'm going to let it melt all the way. This is when I do it.

And then it all melt. And then I'd cave and start having it when it was solid. Well, also there's no information on those packets. Nothing. There's no ingredients. There's no name. Just anonymous fat ice poles, 10 or P. I don't know if the guy in the shop had made them

or he's white had made them. They're just colorful liquids frozen in a sea fruit sheaf. Yeah. Do you think that element of mystery was quite attractive to you as well in terms of like- And also quite hard to get into. You could take out a fill in. A bit of that over, yeah.

I bring that thing over. Yeah. And there was a technique to it, wasn't there? Sort of like you sort of push it up and then you'd let the juice go into the bottom bit. They do look a bit like, especially in those freezers look a bit like sort of frozen lab samples.

Yeah. Which they could have been. Yeah. And maybe that's what was going on. People started buying them and they're like, okay. Yeah. And he was just having, I on. People started buying them that, okay. He was just having a barocca for color. Pissing into something.

Try different features. Yeah. Plastic bags. See how this turns out. I tell you, some kids who've got a tennis court all day are gonna come in here on their beer boxes. They're gonna love these. So that, I think, again, it might be that you were a little

child and that it tasted bad. It was summer, you were really. Also, you know, to go out with a pound on your BMX, you were really thirsty because you've been playing tennis for four hours, so maybe there was an element of you were really dehydrated. And that was keeping you alive. Are we melting them down or do you just want the ends

of loads of frozen ones? The ends. I think if you melt them down, maybe you just want the ends of loads of frozen ones? The ends. I think if you melt them down, maybe something happens. Yeah, it's not the same. It's not the same. I think you have to let it happen naturally. And then you just, it takes a long,

probably take a long time. Cause there's not much juice at the bottom of the bag. Yeah. And maybe there's never enough and that's probably what you love about it. Is it? It's a little bit. Yeah.

You'd love a big swig of that from a pint last week. Yeah, but you never get it. And that's what makes you think you need it. But if you had a pint of it, maybe love about it. Is it? It's a little bit. Yeah. You'd love a big swig of that from a point of view. Yeah, but you never get it. And that's what makes you think you need it. But if you had a pint of it, maybe you'd get, this is horrible. Well, you were a fan of a calippo as well. Yeah. Love a calippo.

It's so good. I would always get a lolita over an ice cream. Right, yeah, yeah. I do like ice cream. I like gelatoes. I like the sort of the ice cream man ice cream. You used to work in an ice cream van, didn't you? No, I used to sell ice creams at a theme park in a little hatch.

So you like Caligula, me with the water, you probably had way too many, right? No, I didn't think you could ever do that. I had them all the time, but I still love them. Never got bored. Still my favourite food. Really? Ice cream? Still my favourite food.

That's amazing. I did have the keys to the mansion. It was weirdly, it wasn't, I always go to say I worked in this theme park for one summer, but I didn't. I worked it there for one autumn. You still worked there, don't you? It's ridiculous. You never left.

One autumn. Yeah, one autumn I worked. Ice cream season. A theme park. No one came. I was basically kicking about all day, helping myself to ice cream. So you were just the kid in a sweet shop. No one came. So I was basically kicking about all day, helping myself to ice cream. So you were just the kid in a sweet shop?

But the thing was, I was in a place where I worked. There was free, it was a little building, and there's free hatches in there. One was ice creams, and then around the corner was drinks, and then around the corner again was the hot food, or the fried food. But the ice cream hatch looked directly onto the offices where the bosses were.

So they could see into you. So you might not have to sneakily get some ice cream and go around to the drinks hatch, eat it there, and then go back round to ice cream. Look, I hadn't just been eating the ice cream. All around your mouth. Yeah, yeah. I've been doing some business.

I've been doing some stock tank. Get my... But the time that... Cleaning the. But the time, that autumn. Cleaning the drink tax. Wow, that autumn. It was the only year, I think, I don't remember ever seeing it anywhere before since, and I think it was Cornetto bought it out,

but it might have been someone else, where it was like a soft serve. So it's like these kind of cylinders of ice cream, and you put it in this machine and then pull it down like a one-armed bandit and it had come out soft serve and it was like Like a strawberry cornetto flavor magic a chocolate one Never seen them again anywhere alchemy. Yeah, so I was like my own like mr. Whippy cornetto is just for myself all the time and now roll. We are was 15. Ah

Yeah, yeah, that's all you care about when you're 15. Yeah. Not interested in girls, cars, any. You're just interested in sugar, sweets, ice cream. Yeah. I mean, you were Mr Whippy. You were your own Mr Whippy. Master Whippy. I thought, yeah, yeah.

Master Whippy. Yeah, yeah. I think. The chewing gum and the sort of little balls of bubble gum they used to get in the Mr Whippy. They were unusual, weren't they? They lose their flavour pretty quick. First time I audited, I think they were called screwballs. Screwballs.

First time I audited that, I didn't know there was chewing gum at the end. No. And that surprised me. Yeah, you were choking. It's a real rush to hospital. Kids were like, what the fuck? Why is this? Like, I've been going for it anyway, not checking with anyone if that's supposed to be there.

I were quite, both my ice cream men were quite, there were two characters. One was called George and he was Italian. He looked like a guy out of Starskin Heart. She had sort of a perm. We used to take the piss out of him. His kid's just ripped ice cream men, don't they? And then the other guy was called Rinaldi.

And I had quite sort of blonde hair, sort of moddish hair. And he used to call me Mary Anne Faithful. Which I had quite sort of blonde, sort of moddish hand. He used to call me Marianne Faithful. I had no clue that was. Thank you, Ronaldo. Okay, mum. The ice cream man calls me Marianne Faithful and she'd laugh and I think, what's this joke? And the cheese plant would explain it to you. Yeah, it was really rude. It was kind of evil. He'd often just like, okay, that's enough. And they'd just drive off. He was quite nuts. But I liked it.

As I got older, I sort of appreciate that he was actually just really funny. But as kids, we were mortally offended by his sort of rudeness. Is Maryanne Faithful still going? She's still going, but ain't there's nodding. Because I want to pitch this. So we've got a way in here. She should go on the traitors, Maryanne Faithful.

100% Faithful. She just tell Faithful. 100% Faithful. She just tell everyone she's 100% Faithful. Or 100% Marianne. She go right, go. I'm 100% Marianne. You know the first time I saw Traitors trailer? Yeah. I thought it was me.

Right. And then the filming that. And then like, well, I went ask Claudia Winkleman. And I was like, oh yeah. It was a quick clip. But. Ha ha ha. Your dream dessert.

No, well, we're gonna invite you. Your dream dessert. Well. What a ride is that? This is tricky. I found this the hardest. I got sweet tooth. I'm not a savory dude.

So I do remember the first time I had angel delight and I- Baby food. Yeah, I loved it. But also after some reason, there was a day when I bunked off school and started making my own angel delight at home. So I associated it with being sort of naughty. Yeah. And I put the tally on. There was some weird program about Bigfoot on. I freaked myself out. It was like, you look really scary. It was that sort of weird program about Bigfoot on. I freaked myself out. It was like, like, you look really scary. It was that sort of weird footage of Bigfoot. I think it's called the Patterson footage, where it sort of looks around. You know, the one where it's walking and

then it looks around to the camera. And I remember thinking, this is terrifying. I was probably about seven or something. This is terrifying. And then now when you were seven, maybe I was 12. Yeah. Oh, if you're 12, I bet I know who loved it that you're bundled school. I'm so early. I won't tell you. Your secret's safe for me. How about you go put on those gym jams? Oh, need the angel to lie. Big photo looks like a scary fella.

Why don't you come over here? Let me reassure you a little. I'll tell you what, really delights the angels. I was bunking off scores, eating an angel, helping myself to butt scotch. I think I had a butt scotch and a strawberry angel's life. I was out of my mind on E numbers. The big foot came on, it really scared me. And then I couldn't look at that footage for a long time. And then when I looked at it when I was out of my mind on e-numbers. A big foot came on, it really scared me.

And then I couldn't look at that footage for a long time. And then when I looked at it when I was older, I just was like, this is a guy in a suit. You can see the zit. Yeah. I was just like a South London dude from Sutton, just walking down the road. What, mate?

I didn't let anything like Bigfoot. But as a kid, I was like, oh my, wow. So I sort of think of angels, right? And I think of bunking off the cheese plant times. But I'm not sure about angels, right? There were two things at school. I loved those school dinners. I had, I'm a 70s child, so there was 80s child.

So there was a school dinners that were, there were these tarts that they used to make. And one was called a gypsy tart, I think, which I'm not, probably won't be called that anymore. Joe Tulon also bought this up and it was the same quality. The gypsy tart, I think, which I'm not, probably won't be called that anymore. Joe Toulon also bought this up and it was the same quality. The gypsy tart. Yeah. She likes the gypsy tart.

She loved it. She also wasn't sure if it should be called that. Well, I don't know what it was. It had like a topping, a sort of beige topping that was chewy, but a bit crunchy. Yeah, yeah. Unbelievable. And then they made gypsy tarts on bake off, prune-y about them. Yeah.

Prune-y's everything. And it wasn't as good. So I was wondering if it, again, my childlike taste buds tricked me in some way. But the problem with the school desserts were, in a week you would get gypsy tart once, but you'd also get rice pudding. Uh-huh. And that used to make me feel sick. And I went, there was a weird dinner lady who used to make,

you'd have to eat your dessert. And I couldn't eat rice pudding. And so she said, you're not leaving. One day she took a stand. So you're not leaving until you've eaten it. And I just said, I'm not gonna eat it. So we sat there opposite each other for like an hour and a half. The problem with that was it got cold,

so it's even worse. And she says, you're not leaving. And it was just awful. I was as if we're young as well. That's my primary school. And so she's sort of, this is the true story. She tried to force rice pudding into me and I puked on her hand.

New one, new won that one. Next day. Gypsy Tart. Everything was fine. Yeah, yeah. Yes, you forced and I was, it's a texture of rice pudding, the lumps or whatever it is in that.

I just went. Yeah. Stories like that. You kind of go like, from your perspective, you telling that story is a, is a perfectly reasonable story for you to go around,

telling everyone understands your stance in it. I just can't imagine her going around telling people that story and coming and thinking that she's, how could she even tell that that makes her sound good in any way? She sounds mad. I had to stand off with him. It was dessert as well, which isn't even good for him.

And it's not something you force kids to eat, dessert. Yeah. Rice pudding. It's like an hour and a half of him. And then I And it's not something you force kids to eat, dessert. Yeah. Right. It's like an hour and a half with him. And then I try to force it down him. And then he was sick on my hand. What are her friends, the sympathising with her at any point is on her side.

He should be expelled. Yeah. Yeah. He's a mad seed. So what is out of all the events then? So Gypsy tart, I love maybe with Angel Delight as a sauce. Yeah, nice. Is that okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's got to be the best of that. Well, I'll read your menu back to you now and see how you feel about it. You're watered, you would like liquefied party rings from the 80s. Paul Long's on bread. Paul Long's on bread. No already disappointed himself, by the way, when you said that. You're on homemade garlic bread. Anyone who travel into the way, when you said that. Your own homemade garlic bread. And you want to travel into the future two to four minutes.

Start a bowl of peeled lychee. Main course, the famous Ambrosia burger. I feel like we missed a major detail with the lychee. Oh yeah, you would like the gerbil to wash your insides with it. And then you come out. Yeah, sorry. That's part of the order, I think. Thanks for picking me up on that.

Yeah, main course of Ambrosia abrosio burger, side dish, dad's ready-machin' it, Rusk hip flask. But made by Heston Bloemans. Made by Heston. Drink, a pint of the ends of 10p ice poles, lemonade, ice poles when you're a kid. Does the Skorjic guitar with butterscotch angel delight as a source?

Feel good? Feels amazing. Very 70s. I'd say the 70s pops up in almost every course. Yeah, it's interesting, isn't it? You seem to be really seriously reflected on that. What it says about you. And I'd like to have that meal with the dinner lady who forced me.

Yeah. Do you want me to stick on that hand at the end? You're going to force her to eat it? Well, I'd like her to be sick on my hands. So that we could just even things out. And then James goes back into his cat flap. Yeah. And I go, was that a dream?

And then I fill my pocket with my keys there. Perfect. Thank you so much, Noel. Thank you, Noel. Well, that was a treat. No. Thank you, Noel. Well, that was a treat. Well, there we are, a great episode with Noel, I thought.

Exactly the kind of menu you'd hoped for. Liquidised party rings. The menu was shit. What? The menu was horrible. Most of it was liquid and just like sweet. The menu was horrible, but I didn't mind because it was such a fun chat. Yes. Lovely chat.

A lot of laughter to be had. Also, Noel told us after that we're like the third podcast he's ever done. Yeah. So that's pretty cool. Yeah. I think he's doing well actually. Yeah. You wouldn't know. Imagine if he never does another one. That's it. Just for just the goal.

Would you say that as a compliment or an insult? Insult. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Of course. But listen, I tell you what you should all watch is on Apple TV plus the completely made up adventures of Dick Turpin, which Noel is in and is fantastic. And we're very much looking forward to seeing the whole thing. And it's coming out on the 1st of March. So very, very soon indeed. Make sure you watch that. Noel, of course, did not say Spicy Corret and Carrieanda Soup. Corret and Carrieanda, did I say Corret? You can't say it. You can't say Spicy Corret and Carrieanda.

I said Corret and Carrieanda. If you were in the bush, that would have taken... I wouldn't last long, mate. First writing session, I go, guys, can we just be sensible here? Does it do weird? None of this makes sense. No, you used to be in doing wacky stuff with Nish

and Tom Neenan and Joe Sharp. It wasn't that wacky though, man. You would write wacky stuff and Nish kind of leaves the gig and then comes back in dressed as a Scottish person called Haggis McNish. That's true. That's Bush territory. Yeah, yeah, we did do Haggis McNish.

I forget about Haggis McNish. Yeah, they'd come back in and just sit in the audience and pretend to be an audience member and you'd talk to him. And then he'd take his wig off and I'd be really surprised. Yeah. That was in a stand-up show. That was a mixed bill stand-up show that Haggis McNich would pop up in. Cool fun.

Cool fun. That's what the show was called. Yes. So I think you'd fit him in that Boosh writers room. Yeah, but my first idea, I go, right, I've got this idea. He's called Haggis McNich. And then they'd say something else and I go, guys, yeah, yeah, right as well. Yeah, but my first idea I go right. I've got this idea He's called Haggis McNich and then they take something else and I go guys come on Corrin Garriander Hey Ed, aren't you on tour soon? I am I'm on tour starting in March actually so starting on March the 12th I'm on tour all over the UK and Ireland

The show's called hot diggity dog at gamble.co.uk for tickets. And maybe if you come to one of the London shows, there might be an appearance from a little guy called Haggis Mcnish. Also, I would encourage people to listen to Spring Leaf, my audio sitcom, all 10 episodes around wherever you get your podcasts. I'm very proud of it. And yeah, I'm very happy that all of it is out now. And who's in it?

So many people, including yourself. And? Haggis Mcnish. Thank you. Thank you very much for listening to our menu. We'll see you again soon. Bye-bye. Goodbye. Hello, my name is Ian Smith. And I'm Amy Gledhill. And we are from the Northern News Podcast. Where we take a deep dive into the bizarre stories we find from the North. Hey, and if you like food, and I know you like food actually, because you're listening to Off Menu. We've got stories about pigs getting cooked off roundabout with crisps. We've got stories about gravy wrestling in carparks. We've got stories about restaurants getting one-star food hygiene ratings.

And record breaking Yorkshire puddings. And we've got special guests which you may remember from Off Menu episodes such as Maisie Adam, Tim Key, Rosie Jones, Fatah El-Ghory, Phil Wang and he hasn't been on off menu but we got Kevin Kennedy who played Curly Watt's in Coronation Street. Take that eh, caster! So please give a listen to the Northern News Podcast. Every Thursday wherever you get your podcasts.