Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 254: Michelle de Swarte

Episode Date: July 17, 2024

Model-turned-stand-up comic Michelle de Swarte is this week’s guest diner. And Ed and James are amazed to find out she doesn’t know a childhood song.Trigger warning: this episode has chat about dieting. Michelle de Swarte’s new sitcom ‘Spent’ is on BBC Two, Mondays at 10pm. Watch is on BBC iPlayer.Follow Michelle on Instagram @michelledeswarteRecorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

ACAS powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. What begins as a tragic discovery of a female body in a creek unravels a tale of an international kidnapping, toxic relationships, and a breakthrough that changes everything. There's only three ways you can enter any environment. One is purposeful, one is accidental, and the third way is by the hands of another. Was it an accident or something more sinister? I'm private investigator Julia Robson, and this is Troubled Waters,

a Casefile Presents production, out now wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. ACAST.com. Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the prawn of conversation, dunking it in the tempura batter of humour, frying it in the oil of the internet until you get a light and crispy podcast batter. That is Ed Gamble, my name is James Ed Caster-Jakib, we're in a dream restaurant and every single

week we invite in a guest and we ask them their favourite ever, start a main course dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order. And this week our our guest is... Michelle DeSwoort. Michelle DeSwoort is an absolutely fantastic standup comedian. She acts as well, James, she writes. She's a multi-hyphenate.

She used to be a model. She's done it all. Her new series, Spent, is out now on BBC Two, and I'd imagine you can get it on the iPlayer as well. Yeah, watch it on both. Very excited to talk to Michelle about food and what she enjoys. Always liking with Michelle, she is a genuinely brilliant stand-up comic. Yeah.

She has so many bits that I love, her scented candle bit particularly. Oh yeah? Yeah, it's very, very funny. So we perform it now? No. Also, even though we like Michelle, if she says the secret ingredient, an ingredient which we deem to be unacceptable, we will have to kick her out of the Dream restaurant.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, that's just how it's gonna go, but I mean good luck. She's very authoritative. Yeah, yeah. She's gonna be the alpha today. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. 100%. Mmm. I'll try, I'm gonna try and stick up for myself.

Do you think you've ever been the alpha in any situation, James? And I say this as someone Who probably hasn't either? Yeah, like I think I feel like every episode No, yeah, that's true actually in your head you're the alpha and that's all that matters Yeah, I think that's that's my whole if people look at my whole career. Yeah, they go go in his head is the alpha. Yeah Which is all that that means you are the alpha. Yeah, that's. Which is all that, that means you are the alpha. Yeah, that's all that matters.

I think that means you are the alpha. So unfortunately we might have to try and kick Michelle out if she says the secret ingredient which we have pre-decided upon. And we're going with calling it just the shredded white stuff you sometimes get in like a box of sushi. In a box of sushi. A box of sushi, yeah.

It's to pad it out, I think. I don't know if you're supposed to eat it, it's very tasteless. Sometimes I'll, if I'm, you know, no one's watching, I'll dip it in soy sauce and eat it but then really I'm just eating soy sauce on some shredded up daikon, I think it is. And I don't mind daikon when it's supposed to be eaten when it's prepared but when it's just like shredded in sushi, it's getting in the way, man. Yeah, I've had it before and other things, it's nice. Shredded daikon, daikon alley. Yeah.

Disgusting. Disgusting, absolutely disgusting. So if Michelle says shredded daikon, she is leaving the dream restaurant. I wonder, I wonder if Michelle will say shredded daikon. Yeah, I don't know man. We'll have to find out. Do you remember in Willow? Did you watch Willow when you were a kid? Yeah, I think I did watch Willow when I was a kid. I watched it like loads.

It's one of the films I watched the most as a kid. I watch it all the time. Yeah. And they've called humans daikinis. Yeah. And yeah, we used to call each other that. Me and my brother and sister. Little did you know you were talking about a Japanese radish.

Yeah. I didn't know that one day I would hate. Yeah. But yeah, and I remember the brownie, like little the brownies, he's like tiny like borrower's. And he's taunting, he's like, I stole the baby from you, daikini, while you were having a pee pee. And we thought that was so funny. Yeah. But now you love brownies and you hate ducky. You hate ducky.

Yeah, exactly. I love eating a brownie. So will Michelle say that? It's doubtful, but let's chapter anyway. Looking forward to this one. This is the off-menu menu of Michelle D'Swart. Welcome, Michelle, to the Dream Restaurant. Hiya. Welcome, Michelle Deswold, to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time.

Thanks. You look absolutely overawed to be in the Dream Restaurant. I am, yeah, I'm very happy to be here. Slight, slight energy shift. Yes, there is. Absolutely. Yeah, we were having a chat and then went into this. Yeah, we have quite, I mean, a lot of podcasts are quite chill and they want to be like a sort of regular conversation.

What we like to do is shout in our guest's face and put them on edge immediately. Yeah, I'm into it. Yeah. It's energizing. Yeah. Well, you've had quite the morning. You lost your AirPods case. I didn't lose them. I just put the AirPods in and left the case. But that's like throwing you off. It is. Yeah. But the thing is, I do it a lot.

And then I've got two sets of air pods and I'll just then I'll pick up the other case and I won't have the pods in it. And yeah, it's a vibe keeps me on my toes. Why have you got two pairs of air pods? Because I've got given a pair for free for some promotional BS. And so I'm constantly, you know, not charging up the right one. You promoted AirPods?

No, I got them from like Warner Brothers. I was doing some like, I did a show ages ago and then it was like we were still sort of in lockdown but not really. And they were just like, we want to do this meeting but we want to make sure everything is set up for you. So they sent me a light, they sent me AirPods and they sent me a mic and they sent me everything. You should have up for you. So they sent me a light, they sent me air pods and they sent me a mic and they sent me everything. You should have asked for more. You'd be like, I don't have a flat. I need a laptop. Yeah. Yeah, I should have. Yeah. One of us is sending out stuff. If one of us

are listening, I'd love to have a meeting. Have a meeting with you, send me a bunch of stuff. That'd be great. Have you had a meeting with one of us? Probably. We've all had those pointless meetings, haven't we? Yeah, I do. I remember you telling me that you went out to LA and just had loads of really good meetings. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Loads of good meetings.

Yeah, amazing meetings. Oh, it's just cool to hear what Ed says to other acts who I've not met. Yeah. Because me and Michelle met for the first time. No, we've met before. We haven't met before. Yeah, we have.

I haven't met you. Yeah, we have. We've met. Do you want me to tell you where? You did Clapham Grant. That's where we met actually. Yes yeah yeah. We met at Clapham Grant. Bullshit. Yeah and we met there probably about a year ago and I said that I feel like you are the sort of person that like if I love Seinfeld right and I feel like if there was an episode of Seinfeld Where like Kramer was really worried about his cousin coming from England And he didn't think he had anything in common with him and then the cousin turned up and it was you Yeah, and he spent the whole episode being like I just can't relate to him and Jerry and George and everyone else was like

What do you mean? It's like that's you you are the he's the British you that is perfect perfect casting for a start yeah and an absolutely bang on Seinfeld storyline yeah that would totally happen you was also wearing a funky shirt and then you did because we just met you went why would you say this to me when I'm about to go on stage and then that was our meeting I remember me I said have a good set the thing you want to do is a stand up. I remember this. You don't want to be compared to Kramer before you go on and do a stand up. Not Kramer, Kramer's long lost cousin. That's what's in your head right? That's what's in your head, you're about to walk on and someone who used to be a professional model goes you look like Kramer and then you walk on.

Yeah have a good set doing your material you're gonna crush it. Yeah, I have a good set doing new material, you're gonna crash it. I'm gonna stay and watch, I'm a big fan. Do you know what as well, I think you went straight on stage and then dropped your mic. So yeah, it was vibes. Deliberately or? No, in Kramer fashion. Coming through the doors. He went to catch it and dropped it.

It was wicked. Yeah, totally in your head. I definitely went on, threw it in the air. Yeah, and dropped it. Tried to catch it and drop it, it was wicked. Yeah, totally in your head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I definitely went on, yeah, threw it in the air. Yeah, and dropped it. Tried to catch it, dropped it. Yeah. Started my set. So how do you not remember that you've met Michelle before?

Well, I do now. Because this sounds quite eventful. Yeah, I know. Well, clearly what had happened is I'd just got to the venue just in time. I was about to go on. Someone I'd never met absolutely got in my head. I went on and dropped my mic.

My brain has clearly tried to wipe this from my mic. You know what, when I watched it, I went, see that's a proper Kramer move, that. That's proper. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that didn't help. Yeah. Probably didn't help me figure out,

I can just drop the mic just like Kramer. Actually, that's not what Kramer would do on stage and I'm glad. Yeah, thank God. I didn't go that far. Well, this is why I said long lost cousin, long lost cousin. Yeah, yeah, a long lost cousin. That's what I was hinting at earlier, but I just thought I'd let it that way. Well, this is why I said long lost cousin, long lost cousin. Yeah, yeah, a long lost cousin. That's why I was hinting at earlier, but I just thought I'd let it ride out.

Yeah. Yeah, thank you. How did you do at that gig? I got there late. It was all right. I was a little bit like, I was in a bit of a weird head space last year because I was writing the show,

but I was still at gigs. But I was, so I was like writing in the day and then tanking in night. Yeah. You're writing spent. Yes. Your series on BBC, right? Yeah, BBC too.

Exciting. Exciting times. What can you tell the listeners about it? Please watch it. Okay. Keeping it mysterious, I like that. Very interesting about the fictitious Seinfeld storyline, but when it comes to your own real life sitcom,

absolutely cards to the best. It's a drama comedy about Mia, who's like a model whose career's over and she's like moved back to London, she's homeless, but she's trying to front it out like she isn't, but she's got all these sort of airs and graces and bougie ways and so comedy ensues. How much is drawn from your real life?

Very loosely, very loosely, loosely. But you were a model right? I was a model and I did move back here in 2019 with Fuck All To Show for my years of fashion. So quite a lot's gone into it really. Yeah, it sounds pretty much exactly. Is there an episode where you meet a stand up comedian who looks a lot like Kramer? No.

Maybe and you get in his head and he drops a microphone? No, season two. Season two, yeah. If anyone else gets that part, I'm gonna be going. Please give it to Kramer. Also, we have a description here of the show and very rare that a description of a show in 2024 has the phrase highfalutin in it. It says she may have a highfalutin attitude. That makes me want to watch the show immediately. Does it? If there's

language like that knocking around. Yeah. Highfalutin. Is highfalutin up there with like zanies? Just in one of them words you don't hear loads, but like you should. Highfalutin up there with like zanies just in one of them words you don't hear loads But like you should highfalutin to me I imagine like a cowboy saying it or like someone in the old west Highfalutin. Oh you come around here with your highfalutin attitude like that. Season two if you want to put an American character into it. Ed Gamble character into it? Ed Gamble? Or you have to change his name a little bit? Or a woman from the old west? Ed's American cousin? Yeah. That's good, you can just get loads of comedians playing their own cousins. Yes, I like this. Yeah, yeah. Now, you are the first professional model we've had on the podcast, and it's a food podcast. So it's quite exciting, because we haven't heard someone from that world talk about food. How much, when you're a professional model, are you thinking about what you're eating every day? Do you know what? I mean, I haven't modeled for nearly a decade now,

but a lot. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Because you can't say that's all you're thinking about. Yeah. And also, like, you do shows, like in... Let's say you're in Milan, right, and you're doing Versace, and you're at the Versace house in Milan, and they have this amazing spread. And this is like, when I was modelling was before, like the body positivity movement. So you were just, you know what I mean, two

eyeballs floating around. They would do this massive spread, and you couldn't touch it. And it was like, it was like some fucked up psychological torture, because you were like hungry. But if you went near the table, someone would look at you like, are you really gonna do that? And you'd think, no I'm not. And you'd just put the tiny block of cheese back down

and blow back to your sheer dress hanging up, smoke some fags. That does sound like hell. Why would they put it out there? Why would they lay it all out? Because they wanna give the illusion that you can eat? Yeah Yeah, they want to show that they're like they're like looking after you and putting a spread on and stuff But everyone the secret rule is no one's eating. Yeah

It's like how like here about companies who say like, you know what you can all just go home whenever you like today Right. Yeah, and then it's like, oh, yeah Yeah, yeah. That's interesting. We've got a games room. No, you don't, do you? Yeah. You know what I mean?

Yeah. I guess legally they would have to feed you. Yeah. I mean, sometimes you'd do jobs and they wouldn't feed you at all. And you'd just be, you know, some model would like bring out a couple of fluffy raisins from her pocket and everyone would huzzle around and be like, give me one! Yeah.

Have you seen Triangle of Sadness? Yeah, spot on. Yeah? Yeah. How do you think you'd do on the island? Are we jumping straight to the island? For people who don't know. Quite a lot happens in between.

What? Yeah. What are we talking about? We always start with still a spark in water Michelle. Yeah. Oh, is that enough? I thought you was going to give it to me. Well, there is some still water. We're going to give you none of this. Right.

You'll get none of this. This is like even worse than being at the Versace house. We're going to make you talk about the food and you can't even see it. Oh no, that's about right. Okay, cool. Yeah. I. Yeah. I mean, I'd have tap water, but I do like sparkling water, but I'm trying to sort of phase it out. It erodes your teeth apparently. I've heard this, but that can't be true, can it? Yeah, it's true. Well, it erodes your teeth like acid. Yeah.

Then why aren't they using it in like construction and stuff? Why aren't they pouring? Because they could just use acid. It's cheaper. Evian cheaper. You know, sparkling sparkling water perrier. If you want to just pour a Pellegrino around the foundations of a building, you could probably destroy it. Yeah. You know, I'd say tap water, please. Which tap? Well, hot, obviously. The hot tap. Yeah. Keep it. Keep it fun and exciting. No, I'd say I'd say tap water if I was like having a dinner Do you know I mean? Yeah still I actually don't know what you mean. Well still water you were like

But tap or still still water from a bottle, please Do you have a preferred brand and don't worry about sounding highfalutin? highfalutin? No, a glass bottle is nice though, it tastes different doesn't it? It's a lovely thing, it feels fancy having a glass bottle. It does right? The weight of the glass bottle. But just the water tastes different doesn't it? Tastes better. It does taste better. How do you feel about the new revolution with canned water? Takes a bit of getting used to. It does. Yeah but I think there's something nice about being at a festival and having a can that looks like a beer and feeling like you're participating, but you're drinking water. Yeah, and you've got a secret that you're actually hydrating.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Being like, hey, we're all friends, aren't we? And then in the back of mind thinking, your skin's going to look fucked up tomorrow. It's all your friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. One's like, should we have another one? You're like, yeah, woo!

I don't like liquid death. Do you not? Do you not like the concept or do you not like the taste? The taste is fine. But the branding and stuff, I'm like, what are we doing here? It's to trick the kids into drinking water. It's pretty genius.

That's what all the Gen Zs love. They can't get enough of it. Well then call me Gen Z because I love Liquid Death. It's obviously the branding is so up my street. Yeah, it loves metal. Yeah, it's perfect. And they do a sparkling one with lime, a lime flavoured sparkling one which is so good. I love it and I like the size of the counter-balada.

You don't want to go near that? That's sparkling and it's not lime. When we start going into like, you know like a hint of, I'm like, just have a Coke. No I don't mind it, I need more than a hint, I'll be honest, fruit wise, in sparkling water, because sometimes my wife brought back a can of La Croix the other day. Yeah, that's decent. No, it's not. There's not enough of, that's a hint. That's like someone's just whispered the word raspberry into some water.

It sounds like you just want like a soda, like a fizzy drink, like a tango. I do like tango, yes. But I do also enjoy something that's clearly sparkling water, but with more than a hint or a whisper of the citrus. You sound fun. Look, I've got to get specific about these things. And sometimes a tango is too much for me. Right. So what level are you talking more than a hint? Yeah less than a less than an implication

Right a squeeze. Would you would you add your own like citrus? Let's say would you add your own lemon? I would do if I've got time, but I'm a busy guy, you know, right Sometimes it's good to just get it in the can already on the go right citrus on the go. Yeah What are you doing? You're not busy. Citrus on the go. Yeah. What are you doing? You're not busy. What? I'm busy. What are you doing?

I'm doing a podcast right now. Do you think I've got time to- This is our second one of the year. Do you think I've got time to squeeze a lemon right now? No, I'm talking to Michelle D'Swatt. That's a good point. Especially not got time to squeeze a lemon right now. Benito's just told us that we've been sent

a load of Liquid Def. I'll be taking that home. Yeah, I'll be taking it home and I guess I should apologise. I said sorry liquid death, I didn't know you were so generous to us before I slugged you off. Pop lobs or bread? Pop lobs or bread Michelle D'Smort? Pop lobs or bread? Erm, I think I'd go for a poppadom. You thought you were going to scare Michelle? Yeah.

Honestly, after the first 15 minutes conversation You thought Michelle was gonna be fazed by anything you did. Oh, maybe I'll get her no absolutely not absolutely just Not even didn't blink It's like a complimentary poppadom, yeah. Or I'd have bread, because that's spread in it, bread with butter. But poppadom's complimentary, yeah. But I would order it. Sorry, it's bread in it, bread with butter.

What are you talking about? Bread with butter, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Not fair enough. If I was gonna pay for it and order it, I would order bread. But if poppadoms came to the table complimentary,

I'd be like, this is lovely, my touch. Can I have all the dips, please? In that case, do you want it that poppadoms with all to the table complimentary, I'd be like, this is lovely, I'll touch. Then have all the dips please. In that case, do you want it that pop dom's with all the dips comes complimentary, but you can also buy bread and butter? Those are my choices. And it's both of them depending on the situation. Okay, we'll tell you the situation. You're not paying for this.

Oh, sweet. Can I have both? Yeah. Cool. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. You can. Yeah, you can have both. Do you want us to, do you want loads of sort of new models in the corner when this is all

being brought out, having to watch you eat all of it? Yeah. Yeah. I'll crush up all the poppadoms in my hand and then just chuck them at them. Make it rain bitches. Yeah. Soon you can start a life of comedy and eat whatever you want, but until then, mamamamamamamam. When you were screwing it up and throwing it at them, went with make it rain bitches I was imagining you like feeding ducks yeah oh that's what I went with that's nice yeah rather than make it rain bitches cool I wouldn't imagine them from what you said earlier about people gathering around the fluffy raisins I think I think it'd be more like it's more like

throwing it into like a cage of wasps, like just them going nuts trying to eat it all out the sky. A cage of wasps? Yeah. When have you ever seen a cage of wasps? I'll tell you what the problem is. My business. Yeah.

In terms of keeping wasps in a cage. I thought you said cave and I was like proper. Yeah. Cage. Cage, yeah, yeah, yeah. What, can you see if you foresee any problems with trying to keep wasps in a cage? You didn't know how close the bars are to the earth? Yeah, it could be like a tea bag like perforated. It's like a perforated That's not that's that's that's not a cage is it? That's a tent. This is like cheese wire, but they're so close together

Yeah, so we can see into it, but the wasps can't get through it I think if we can see into it the wasps can get through no way They can't I think the cheese wire would have to be so close that it's basically a wall at that point or a fence. Well, the poppadoms can get through it. Okay. The poppadom does can. Only the smallest fragments,

but that's all you need to keep you going, just to tide you over. Just walk around with it. Do you want a cage of wasps in the corner of your meal? Your dream meal? Nah, you're all right, thanks. Hmm. Are you pro-wasp, anti-wasp, or are you sort of neutral about wasps? Wasps in the corner of your meal? Your dream meal? No, you're right. Thanks. Are you pro Wasp, anti-Wasp or are you sort of neutral about Wasps? I don't mind them at all.

Yeah, so if a Wasp flies over to you. I just think be chill. I think it's like going somewhere and worrying about getting mugged. So if you do, you're going to get mugged. If you're walking down the road being, I'm going to get mugged. I'm really worried about you're going to get mugged. Yeah. If you just are chill. And that's how I think with wasps and bees, just be chill. You ever been mugged? No.

And you think that's because you've never worried about it? No, I think it's because I've got an awareness of it, but I'm not fearful to the point of drawing attention to myself and thinking, is that person worried about getting mugged? They look like a great candidate for mugging. You don't give off the mug me pheromones. Cause you know, muggers can smell that, can't they? They can smell the fear. Like wasps. Just like wasps. What's heavier cage of muggers or cage of wasps?

We need an amount. Yeah, we do need an amount of muggers and an amount of wasps. 10 kilograms. Well, they weigh the same. It was a trick question. Your dream star to Michelle. Because it's my dream, right? So it would be a triple melon, lost Mary vape and a cup of coffee. You can take the girl out of modelling. Yeah.

We didn't have vapes in my day. I wish. Rewind to earlier. You said, look at my stand-up comedian, you can eat whatever you want. What's your dream starter? A vape and a coffee. Please. That is fantastic.

It's the first time that vape has been on anyone's dream menu. I'll be honest. I'm not a fan of a starter. Just bring me all the food. Yeah. It actually does my head in. And if we're at a table and one person was a starter, piss off, I don't even want to eat with you now. Well, that'd be me. Because it's so inconsiderate.

Yeah. If that was me, because I'd want a starter, because I'm a starter boy. I love starters. Yeah. And if I was at a table of people who didn't want a starter, because I'm a starter boy. I love starters. Yeah. And if I was at a table of people who didn't want a starter, I would order a starter, but I would ask for my starter to be brought with my main. That gave me the ick, you know, saying that I'm a starter boy. Yeah, yeah, no, it would do. Yeah. My wife says that. So yeah, I would ask for my starter to be brought with the main.

Yeah, that's nice. That's considerate. That's considerate. Yeah. Would you want your vape to be brought with the main or would you? No, I'd say if let's say I'm with you as starter boy, I'd say you crack on with that. Yeah. And because you've been in considerate, I too am going to match that by vaping. By vaping. By you.

Yeah. Eat your starter. But then also I vape. So, you know, maybe I'd just have the same starter as you. You wouldn't do that. I wouldn't have triple melon, no. But you would order a starter. I would order a starter. You wouldn't just go, yeah,'t have triple melon. No, but you would it you would order a starter I would order a starter. We just go yard or you would the You and you are not now magically holding a vape as well. Yeah, and it is the triple melon Yeah, it is. Yeah. Do you stick to that flavor or just started again? Cuz like I stopped I've been hypnotized multiple times Yeah, I just like I just started So I've just started vaping again in March and I was just gonna do it for a little while but I'm in proper now so there's a shop at the end of my road that does five vapes for

twenty pounds and I'll just go in there and I'm like I was doing this sort of pick a mix where I was like I'll get a grape, I'll get a vimto one, I'll get a mango one and now I'm like just I'm having that thank you. Five triple I'm like, just, I'm having that, thank you. Five triple melons. Yeah, five triple melons, let's go. Could you go back to you being hypnotized three times? Well, maybe more actually. Yeah, you've forgotten some of them.

Yeah, yeah, I've read the Alan Carr book, nah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it does work. Just how he got into comedy and stuff. Yeah. They're no smoking book. They give up smoking forever and stuff. Alan Carr. The No Smoking book, The Give Up Smoking Forever and Ever. Alan Carr? Yes, he was a doctor called Alan Carr and Alan Carr is the easy way to give up smoking.

Okay. Not that, but also when someone brings up Alan Carr, the doctor who helps you give up smoking, it's a law that you then have to make a joke about Alan Carr, the comedian. Yeah, I imagine. I'm glad I know that law now. But I tried, I've got the audio book of easy way to give up vaping. Oh!

Because I'm gonna try and give up vaping, but they have just taken the smoking one and just replaced all of the words cigarette with vape. Yeah, I mean, there's the easy way to stop drinking and the easy way to stop eating everything. It's the same thing. There's a cocaine one as well, you know. Is it? Yeah. So I'd be interested to see what eating everything is the same thing. There's a cocaine one as well, you know. Is it? Yeah.

So I'd be interested to see what that one is just replacing. Yeah. I mean, that's, that's, that's a bit more extreme. Yeah. Sure. That's a book you can get through quickly. Yeah. Yeah.

Cause the point of the Alan Carr books is you keep doing the thing while you're reading the book, right? They say at the beginning, don't, don't try and stop straight away. Read the book. And that's the appeal. Yeah. Cause you're like, great. Especially as I'm away, read the book. And that's the appeal. Yeah. Because you're like, great. Especially as I'm listening to the audiobook,

I'll probably listen to one chapter in about two months. Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, taking it slow. Of course, do that book quickly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've had days where I'm like, today is it. I'm just going to listen to that all day.

Yeah. And then like, a packet of fags later, seven hours. I'm like, ah, yay me, that worked. Thank you, Alan. So triple melon and a coffee for the starter. What are the melons? What kind of melons is it if it's triple melon? Do you know what?

I think it's just one melon three times. No, it can't be. It can't be. Michelle, come on. It can't be that in a vape. Do you know what I thought about it? But in my head, I just thought three melons, not three different melons, three of them. So they pack three melons worth of flavour in a vape. Do you know what I thought about it? But in my head I just thought three melons, not three different melons, three of them.

So they packed three melons worth of flavour into one vape, is that what it is? Come on! If you had a double cheeseburger you wouldn't be like, oh what's the other burger, it's just another burger. This triple melon is three melons. But I think at least you can see the burgers in a double cheeseburger, whereas that you can't see anything right? Use your imagination.

Yeah, so you're imagining three melons in there are you? the burgers in a double cheeseburger, whereas that you can't see anything, right? Use your imagination. Yeah. So you're imagining three melons in there, are you? I'm saying not one, pa-pow, two more, Melanie. Yeah, but... Why is it so hard to get your head around? Because it is a vape. So therefore, it's just one flavor. So like, you just call it melon. Yeah, it's a good point. If it's a strong melon flavor, just call it melon. But if it's three different types of melon you've put into it then fair enough call it triple melon

But then wouldn't it be like I don't know I'm feeling more of a tri melon or something Do you know I mean but triple melon is just like it's just extra melon. It's two extra melons Well, yeah, I get both of your points triple melon does maybe it's like 3x melon like, you know Melon does maybe it's like 3x melon like you know like triple strength melon. What is their melons this color? I guess it's not a watermelon melon. Is it a cantaloupe? Yeah maybe. And what would that one be? Uh like a honeydew. Honeydew. Yeah that there you go. That's what that's the three melons you'd like in your vape. Well let's be honest it doesn't taste of any of those melons anyway right? No. It just tastes like chemicals. Yeah. Yeah.

Delicious, delicious, sweet. Yeah, yeah. They make you feel nice. James, if you vaped, what would be your flavor? Your dream flavor to have? Thank you for asking. Bakewell pudding? Oh, that's a good one.

Yeah. I love a Bakewell pudding. Yeah. Do you eat the cherry on top? That's a Bakewell tart. Oh, is it? A Bakewell tart? I can fuck off.

Wait, what's a Bakewell pudding then? Yeah, you get's a Bakewell tart. Oh is it a Bakewell tart? I can fuck off. Wait what's a Bakewell pudding then? Yeah you get it with Bakewell. It's like much more like still almond-y but custard-y as well. It's pretty dirty and there's a secret ingredient in it. There's no icing on the top either. No icing on the top. It's a proper like pudding. Ed and I got one when we were on the run and Ed split it in half of his hands and we sat on a bench and ate it in the sun. Really? What just dry? Is there anything creamy in there?

No, it's quite moist though. Very moist. It's quite moist. Is it a Bakewell slice? But round? No, it's more of a... No, no, no. It's thicker than that as well, isn't it? And we... Yeah, it was delicious. But there's so many almonds in it and stuff that it stays really moist.

So is that like... It's more of a marzipan vape then really? No, no, no, not a Bakewell pudding. It would taste like marzipan I think. No, no, because it's like armadillo and custardy, so there's some vanilla-y kind of flavours to it as well. Do you like a Bakewell tart or is that like? That's fine, but once you've had Bakewell pudding, you can't go back to a Bakewell tart.

Bakewell tart's more like a necessity thing, not necessity, but like you'd buy it in a shop in it, like in a packet. Yeah. That's like the low end of things. Yeah, I'm not quite, yeah. Anything that Kipling can make I'm not interested in. Really? Not even a French fancy? He's basic. French fancies are good though. They are good. Yeah, yeah, French fancies are pretty good. So you're having the vape, you've got the coffee. What kind of coffee? Yeah, what kind of coffee? If it's a dream, it would be like a cappuccino in Rome, and you know they don't like serving it in the afternoon, do they? But I'd say, go on, and they'd go, all right then. And that's what I'd have.

Wow. Yeah. So your dream meal involves an easily convinced Italian man. Yeah, exactly. And I'd have three of them with the triple melon because you know they never give you like the size that we want. They give you a little thimble for. They don't give you cost a size do they? No, I'd say three. Triple coffee, triple melon? Yeah. Three cappuccinos and a fat vape, thanks. And a glass of water.

Whereabouts in Rome do you want to be? I reckon right in front of the, I can't remember what it's called. Colosseum? No, the other thing. Square one. Trevi Fountain? No. Oh actually yeah, why not? Yeah, go on. Trevi Fountain's cool. Yeah, in the evening. In the evening. And tourists knocking around?

Just me. Just you and the man. Yeah, and the man. Yeah, yeah. Easily convinced man. Exactly. Yeah. And another older Italian guy who's at a few tables away just for the authenticity so I feel like I'm proper there. Yeah. Is he easily convinced or does it not matter? He's not involved? He's not even talking, he just gives me a little nod and a wink. Yeah. That's quite weird Michelle actually. I'd be creeped out if it was just me in front of the Trevi Fountain, a man I didn't know sat quite far away and every so often he winks

at me, I'd be really scared. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It depends how often he's winking, triple wink. Exactly, just not even a wink, maybe just a little nod and a smile while he lifts up his cup and has a sip of his beverage. Here's the problem with this whole thing, I would find it very hard in your situation because you've got this easily convinced Italian waiter. At some point I'd be like, can you please jump in the Trevi Fountain? I was wanting to jump in the Trevi Fountain knowing that

he's easily convinced at some point he's going to go, yeah, okay. And he'll jump in it for me for my amusement. And I don't think I should have that power. Wow. That's a really dark thought to have, James, I don't know what to say about that. Did your brain not go there? If you have a waiter that you know is easily convinced. He's done something nice for me, I know, let me make him my slave. No, I would never think that. I'm not a slave. I'd be like, I'm just gonna tip you. James never said that.

Thanks for that. I never said he's my slave. I think he's more like a member of the Jackass crew. Oh. he's my slave. I think he's more like a member of the Jackass crew. Like suddenly you realize all you have to do is tell them do that crazy thing and they'll do it. You know, I'd find it very hard if I hung out with Danger Erin or someone like that and I'll be like, Danger Erin, can you jump into Trevi Fountain please? I would say that at some point. Yeah, you're Knoxville in that situation and he's Steve-o. Yeah, I'm Johnny Knoxville all the way. I think this is preparing your stomach, appetite wise, getting you ready for it.

Yeah. But doesn't nicotine stop appetite though? Do you not think it's an appetite suppressant? Yeah, but if you do it all the time, you don't notice do you? No, no, no. Do you know what I mean? Just your base level is nicotine. And you do need to eat, eventually. Yeah.

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You lit up when you said mac and cheese. Yeah, because I, like some of my best mates live in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and they just make banging mac and cheese and growing up here and My mom's not a big cooker. I don't really care about cooking I'm not inspired by making food and I thought mac and cheese was that nasty shit that you get in a can That's what my mom would call do what draw some macaroni some cheese macaroni And she just open up this can it flub out macaroni and she'd just open up this can, it would flub out into a bowl, she'd chuck it in the microwave until it was steaming hot and she'd like chuck a bit of pepper on it and just be like, try not to burn your mouth. And that's what I thought mac and cheese was. And then my Jamaican gran would make mac and cheese, but it was kind of like Jamaican mac and cheese is quite like pie-like, sort of like quiche-like in the way that it's not like creamy.

And then I went to the States and I had like Southern mac and cheese. And I was like, this is it. This is everything I need in a meal. It's got pasta and it's got cheese and it's got like a nice crust. Whoa. Southern mac and cheese is good with all the other stuff that comes with it as well sometimes, but you're just having it straight up, right? To be honest, it's a standalone meal and I don't want to fuck it up with adding other

things to it. But if we were really going to go all in, I would have an actual like black Southern Thanksgiving dinner. But that there's politics around it. Like it check well there is because it's Thanksgiving. But also just like all the different ways people cook it is like do you know what i mean like i had one friend who's from kentucky and he made like sweet potatoes with marshmallows on them and i was like what the fuck is this i've had that is awful

do you know what i'm saying what are they doing so for simplicity a meal that i would be happy with stand alone mac and cheese that might be my vape flavour actually. Sweet potato with marshmallow on it. Do you like that sort of stuff? No, I've spoken about it on the podcast before, I saw a pilot eat that. How did you see a pilot eat it? Was that at an airport? No, me and him had flown into... You got invited to go up to the cockpit for dinner. Me and him had flown somewhere together and he was like, you want to go to a steakhouse? And I was like, yeah, alright. And then him had been flown somewhere together and he was like, you want to go to a steak house? And I was like, yeah, all right. And then he ordered that as his side.

And I was like, fuck is that? You're a pilot, what are you eating that for? And he was like, I love these. I was like, that's crazy, man. What does that mean? You're a pilot, why are you eating that? You're responsible for a lot of different people. You just made a bad decision.

But also, yeah, I mean, I might have said this on the podcast before about this story, but I don't want to see a pilot eat anything that heavy, because if I ate that it's nap time, right? Yeah. I want to see a pilot eat light and nutritious. I'm like, as long as they're not drinking, I'm fine. Yeah. I'm like, eat what you want.

It goes on like, you just got to get it in the air, innit? Then after that you can have a little sleep. Yeah, but it's got to be harder to get in the air when you've had no he was just flying like a little plane oh it's just me him and his buddy Wow yeah it's a PJ James was on a PJ oh baby yeah private jet I know if only I'm not cool it was a mix-up they thought he was Kramer we landed he was like want would I get a steak? Yeah. I can't believe you said yes of all people to say yes to a pilot asking you if you want

to go and get a steak. I thought when am I going to do this again? You know? Yeah, but that's not your attitude. That is true. But also that's not James A. Castor. What are you talking about? When am I going to do this again? You're a man who regularly throws away unique experiences. As if when? Name one. Name one unique experience. Well, I can't because you never had them. I always embrace new stuff. No, that's absolute bullshit.

Yeah, thank you Benito for giving me the look I was hoping for. What are you talking about? What's Benito nodding for? Look, I'd like to hear one example, Michelle, of any time I've turned down a unique opportunity. How was the steak? I can't remember, I was too busy looking at the pie that bit like, is that marshmallows? That's all I remember from it.

It's wild, isn't it? Especially if you're like, if you're invited over to someone's house and they're like, bigging something up and you're like, oh yeah, great. And then it's like something like marshmallows on yams or potatoes or you're just like, what the fuck is this? It's very rare that I'll be introduced to another culture's food and think this is absolute trash. Right. Normally I think this is better than the UK.

Everyone's got a better food culture than the UK. Everyone. Yeah but then I saw when I saw the yams or whatever they were with marshmallow on them I was like America's fucked it man. Yeah but then there's always something next to that that is delicious. Yeah yeah like mac and cheese. Like mac and cheese, man. Yeah. How cheesy we talking? Do you want to see that stretch? Yeah, 100%. I want it to be creamy, but also stringy. I want like five different types of cheese and then like a child, like a cheese sauce to be made and then just more cheese and pasta and stuff added. I wanna be like losing my mind at every stage that I see it being cooked.

And then I want it to come out and I want it to be like crispy brown on the top. Bubbling. Bubbling. Bubbling hot, part of Banton. How much of that do you reckon you could eat? Because I think with mac and cheese and things like that now, I'd be like, if it was that rich,

I'd be maybe halfway through it, I'd be like, I've gotta go and have a nap. I reckon I could get through one serving, then have a little break, and then I could do slivers that would amount to another serving over the course of an hour and a half. Yeah. Are you reheating or are you just?

Nah. Room temperature. Yeah, room temperature. The cheese is coagulated a little bit. Exactly. Yeah, so you can slice it. You can take slices off. Yeah, you can drop it on my lap.

Outfit's still fine. Kick that up, pop it in. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good metric to judge food by, I think. Yeah, it is. Can you drop it on your lap? I mean, I don't know, man. I'm getting messier and messier as I get older.

Are you? I drop more and more on my lap. Why? Is that because you're not worried about how you're eating it? Just sloppy, no attention to detail. Right, so you're just shoveling it in? Shoveling it in. I'm on tour at the moment, so I'm mainly eating in dressing rooms and it's mainly Nando's.

How do you eat when you're on your own, right? Because I've noticed that there's times when like if no one's there, I just think if someone could fucking see, like if someone could see the way I'm boshing this meat, like it's disgusting. I feel like I used to, when I was eating on my own, still had some sort of like decorum or standard, do you know what I mean? But now I'm just like, I want to celebrate that I'm on my own and no one can see. Talk us through the situation. Just putting way more on a fork than any one person can fit in their mouth. Do you know what I mean?

It's ridiculous. But because I insist on having a bit of everything in one mouthful, but I just get really excited because I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And by the time it's ready to come to my mouth, I'm like, who, what are you doing? Are you worried that if you eat like that by yourself, that one day you're going to choke and no one's going to be around to save you? No, just you're disgusting. That'd be awful though if you choked to death and that's how you were found with the mouth full of mac and cheese, wouldn't it?

Yeah. But you're dead. Who cares? Can't be thinking about shame when you're not alive and in a form to experience it. That's true actually. Yeah. Cool. I'll start putting more in my mouth when we're alone.

That's one of the first singles I bought was Bubbling Hot by Pat Ibandon and Rankin Roger. Can I just talk you through what I do now to stop me dropping stuff on my trousers before I do a show? Yeah. So I buy a Nando's and then it comes with napkins. They're very generous with the napkins Nando's. What with the sachets of sauce anymore when you get a delivery?

I'd say eight out of ten times they don't put the sachets in. Yeah, but, but- Because they're disgraced, because they're trying to push you towards buying a bottle, which costs extra. Yeah. But they normally throw the sachets in for free, but that stopped in the last couple of months actually, Nando. Yeah, because they just live in your drawer. The sachets never get used.

They just live in the drawer. Yeah, I use them straight away, yeah, because I'm on the road, so I'm not at home. So the sachets now, I had to buy a glass bottle and I've got to carry it around with me in my tote bag. All right, so system the other day, and I'm not by myself because my support acts in there, napkin in the top, napkin tucked into the top of the trousers.

What the fuck? And then try and lay a napkin here. So I've got straight napkins all the way down here. Weird feeling tucking a napkin into the top of your trousers. Or the other day, napkin in the top, paper bag that Hernando's came in, lay that fully across the lap and put the plate on top of that. How are we feeling about that? Well, I mean, just wave goodbye to all your dignities on tour at this point.

Isn't there a table? Yeah, sometimes, but also me and my support want to have the laptop on and sometimes there's a sofa, so I'd like to sit on the sofa and eat with the laptop showing whatever we're watching and then my support act She likes to sit on the floor Well, I would say that's necessary. Yeah, do you know I mean there's a good system. It doesn't look great Yeah, I would be scared that there's some like stuff on the paper bag already. Yeah. That's what I'd be worried about. Yeah, I've done that. I think that sounds legit.

Yeah, yeah. Solid. I think maybe you're right and I do say no to unique experiences because I wouldn't do any of that. No. What would you do? I'd find a table. Yeah.

Eat at that. That's what I mean. If you're in a dressing room, there's a table. Also, what are you doing eating before a gig, you absolute mentalist. It's normally like an hour and a half before the gig. So I need a clear hour and a half. You got to remember as well,

Ed and I, we're old men in the game at this point. We don't give a shit about our gigs. I do need like 90 minutes. James will eat like a full three course meal, leave the restaurant and walk straight on stage. Really? Yeah. That's wild. At the end of the day that's gonna be the best part of my day is eating the meal.

It's genuinely what he thinks. I don't want to let this gig, which is gonna suck ass. Yeah, embracing new experiences as always. Getting away of it and it's not new at this point, that's the problem. Yeah, but it could be. The meal's a new experience. I'm in a new city, eating at a new place, that's a new experience. You're in a new city performing to a new audience.

No, every audience is the same. Your dream side dish, now your main course is what a lot of people would choose as their side. I'm not calling you out or anything. So your side dish for this big side is going to be interesting. Chips. This is more, this is more what I was hoping for from the statement at the beginning of, I used to be a model and now I'm a comedian and I can eat what I want. I was hoping for pasta and chips. Pasta and chips. Carp town. Yeah. Chips. Chip shop chips, fries. Well, not skinny fries. It would be like a decent American diner style Chip definitely not chip shop chips, although I love chip shop chips, but I have chip chop shit

With Savaloy and salad cream and that lives in its own world over there Chip shop chips with Savaloy fine fine, that's all available. Yeah. Salad cream. Salad cream. Look. For the tanginess. My initial reaction was disgust. Yeah. But then I remember that I like to embrace new experiences. So I'm gonna, I'm gonna try that one day. I like salad cream. I've just never had it with chips and savaloy, you know. It's proper nice. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, make sure you cover your whole body in crepe paper or whatever. The fuck you do these days if you don't have that salad cream out. I just wear a white outfit for that one.

Yeah, yeah. If it's like a dream meal, then that's what I'd have. I'd have chips. Yeah, you've got to go for it. This is your dream. Yeah. What do you mean by the diner style? Are they like fries? Yeah, they're like fries, but they've got bits of skin on them. Do you know what I mean? You know what I mean, innit? I love it. Skin on, baby. Skin on, but they're not like big skin on chips.

They're like, yeah, I know what you mean. Like a sort of Five Guys style. Yeah, but not those ones. But not those ones. I think those are good. They're all right. I like them. They're all right.

I mean, I love a Five Guys burger. Yeah. I'm on a bit of a Five Guys train at the moment because I only discovered it like a year ago. Yeah, so you've got to get it all in now. Yeah, now I'm like, what the fuck? I did a gig with Felicity Wooln. She was like, we've got to go Five Guys.

We've got to go Five Guys. And I was like, do we? And then I was like, fucking hell, yeah, we do. This is delicious. I didn't know that about people. I spoke to someone yesterday who once brought entire Five Guys into the cinema with them. What?

Don't get me upset. Yeah, I would that is the sensory Mmm, I don't give a fuck about you lot. Yeah abuse of that. Yeah is outrageous She did say she did pause I don't give a fuck about anyone. No, she told us that and then she paused she went that was bad That's beyond bad She told us that and then she paused she went that was bad Your dream drink Michelle a Orange Lucas aid. Whoa, we have never had this we've never had Lucas aid before Yeah, orange Lucas aid. It's just so delicious and lovely and refreshing old recipe or new recipe What do you mean? Well, it's been a big controversy in my community,

the type one diabetes community, because leukazade is often used as a hypo or low blood glucose treatment, because it's got so much sugar in it. Well, it's good, it's healthy. You can down like- It's a healthy hydration drink that helps you run. Yeah, it's a sports drink, right?

And it's really good if you're sick as well. Yeah. It brings your health back. Yeah. Well, it, you know, it brings type one diabetics health back because you've got a low blood glucose, you have like three sips of it and you're absolutely buzzing off it. Um, that's not what it was.

So for a lot of people, that was their go-to thing in that situation. And then Lucas aid reduced the sugar across, across the board. So type one diabetics who used to use it then we're trying to use it and it wasn't hitting the same way It's even healthier now than it was before. It's even healthier now than it was before. Yeah I like I don't drink it all the time. But if I'm hungover, I think oh, yeah, I'm gonna have an orange Lucas aid. So you hung over for your dream meal? Oh, yeah, that's a good point. I guess it would be a glass of white wine then. What? So far your meal to me does seem like a hangover meal because you're vaping and having coffee. Then you're having a big mac and cheese and chips and then the leucosate.

It really feels like you've been out the night before. Not a big mac, a mac and cheese. A big mac and cheese. Yeah, that is confusing actually. A big mac and cheese. Big mac and cheese. Yeah, that is confusing. Big mac and cheese. Big mac and cheese. Yeah, that is confusing. Now you're saying it all like that. It does seem like a ridiculous meal. I'll tell you what it seems like. It does seem like someone who professionally was not allowed to eat for years and doesn't really know how to do it still. You're like the food equivalent of Kimmy Schmidt. You've come out, have been let out of the cave and now you're learning how to do

life. And you think that a vape is a starter, mac and cheese is a main course and Lucas aid is healthy. You're going to lose your mind when you hear what I want for dessert. You're gonna lose your mind when you hear what I want for dessert. Yeah, I mean, yeah. Prawn cocktail. Yeah, a picture of a prawn cocktail. But like, I want you to have the LucasAid more than the wine, because we never had LucasAid chose before. Can I have LucasAid please?

So it's quite exciting that someone's chose it. Even though I just tried to piss on my chips. I didn't piss on your chips. They did change the recipe. Well, I was talking and it already did. I was asking a follow up question. On behalf of the twilight community. I was asking a follow up question. I've got to say something Michelle.

It can't just be you listing things you want and then we go, you know, if I got a question, I'm going to ask the question. As much as we would like that to be the, you have no idea how much we would love it if every episode was the guest just bangs off the, here's what I want and then we go. Yeah, that's only happened once.

That's only happened once with Dan Aykroyd and it was the best day of my life. Yeah, and people still come up to me and ask me about that episode. What do you think of all the other Lucas Aide flavours? Not first. Not into it. No, original. Pink Lemonade?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'll do the original like maybe once a year just to remind myself that I really like the orange one. That's amazing. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Got to keep the orange one in perspective. Yeah, exactly. All I remember is that it shouldn't be used to replace the fluids lost when you have diarrhea. What? It says it on the bottle. I remember as a kid reading it and me and my friends thinking it was the funniest thing in the world. And what they had to warn you that it was, was there a that it it helps you rehydrate? I mean as kids none of us like even like they had no concept of any of that anyway so it's hilarious to us. You didn't know what diarrhea was? We knew

diarrhea but we didn't know that people were trying to replace fluids Austin like we didn't know any of that so we just thought every now and again you get the shit so it's the funniest thing in the world that's all we knew. Yeah man diarrhea song. Yeah yeah when you're sitting on the grass and it comes out your arse. Diarrhea. Diarrhea. No. Do you not remember the diarrhea song? Comes at your bum like a bullet from a gun.

Diarrhea. Diarrhea. What? We've never spoke about this before and we know it. No, we genuinely haven't. And we grew up in different boroughs. Yeah. What? No. Yeah, I assume that was UK widewide, the Diarrhea song.

No, I feel cheated. Maybe I've forgotten it. Maybe this is like... You don't forget the Diarrhea song. You don't forget it. If you've heard the Diarrhea song, you do not forget it. That sticks in your head. Yeah. Shit. I remember that. Bubbling hot. I mean...

They're not dissimilar. They're very similar songs. Like a sweep in a pot, we are what? Bubbling hot? Like a beer. Diarrhea. Diarrhea. Like a soup in a pot, it's bubbling hot. Diarrhea.

Diarrhea. Always ends up back here. Every single episode. So don't try and do that with Lucas Ed basically, but that is a delicious drink that you enjoy. Do you remember, this is very London specific, the old LucasAid sign, as you came into Hammersmith on the flyover, it was a neon sign, it was a moving neon sign, I think it was an absolute icon,

and they got rid of it and replaced it with a video screen. Moving, emotionally? Yeah, yeah, yeah, emotionally moving, and also like this neon LED sign that was like a- Where? Hammersmith where? Like when you was- When you come in off the-

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you were coming off the M4 and then going into Hammersmith. No, because I grew up in London. Well, clearly not. You were never coming in on the M4. Do you know what I mean? No, I don't remember. Ben remembers, but he's the only one who can't talk on this, so I seem like an absolute nutcase

now. Yeah, yeah. Because you remember specifically where a certain sign was when you were... It's a London icon. It's like, you know, changing the towers of London to an AI tower. What? Ah, never mind. Your dream dessert!

Your dream dessert, Michelle. Now you say we're going to lose our minds. I'm looking forward to this. No, no, no, no, no, no. I didn't mean lose your minds in excitement. I meant lose your mind in excitement. You're dream dessert! You're dream dessert, Michelle. Now you say we're gonna lose our minds. No, no, no, no, no, no. I didn't mean lose your minds in excitement, but I'd get like

a cheese board. Fuck you. This is huge! Fuck you. I would get a cheese board. Fuck yourself. And thank you for that, Michelle. Yeah, because you know when they're like, oh, do you want it? I'm like, I don't want

dessert. I don't care about dessert. Do you know what? I've sat here and put up with all this bullshit. I was polite throughout this whole stupid menu. I'm so happy. The whole menu, I was trying to be as polite as possible. I'm a starter boy, James is a dessert boy, and you've thrown it both back in our faces. Yeah, cheese balls. But before it comes, I'd like to, thank you.

I would like to take my glass of wine. I've nicked my orange leucosate. I said thanks that's delicious. Can I have a cheese ball with some crackers and maybe a bit of bread actually as well go on fuck it. And I'll get a glass of wine and while I'm waiting for you lot to chop that up I'm gonna stand outside and have a little vape and drink some wine and Just take in the outside. Lovely. Yeah. Not by the view have a little vape. You stink. Yeah You stink. Yeah of delicious cheeses. What would you like on your cheese board? I don't care

I love all the cheeses. Doesn't even care. Give me all the cheeses. Doesn't even care. Why? I like the soft cheeses and I like the hard cheeses. No, I don't. Do you know what actually, when I first went to Paris to do the shows, I was staying in this French guy's house and he came back and I'd like cleared out the whole fridge and just cleaned everything. And he was like, what? I was like, something fucking stinks in there. And I don't know what it is, but I've like cleaned everything

and I chucked away some like really expensive cheese because I thought it had gone off. Do you know what I mean? It's a humble girl from South London. I'd never seen, I didn't know if the cheese smell. I thought anything smells. I thought that's gone off. I mean, that is a good point, isn't it?

If something stinks. Yeah, I got it open up the fridge and I was like, fucking hell, something here is bad. Did the French man get angry with you? He looked at me like you ignorant British peasant. Yeah, well that's how I'm looking at you right now. I remember staying at someone's house who had a ham hanging up and they was like, do you want some?

And I was like, you just got meat just hanging up. That's not even in the fridge. And you're like, oh, do you want some? And everyone's like, oh, no, this is delicious. And I just sat there thinking, you lot are fucking mental. That sounds great. Whose house was that? I'd love a bit of ham. I know, like, where you get the... But I'd never seen, I didn't know that ham was like aged like out.

Yeah, yeah. Like that. I thought ham, you just got it in a pig and it would be it would be confusing yeah and I've seen cheese like that either I've had smelly cheese and now you love smelly cheese I love ham that's been left out and I love a smelly cheese yeah am I specific about it nah it all looks good to me I'll have a mini baby belt and I have that bit of stinky brie. Crackers with that? Yeah, yeah, just some little bit.

Little crackers earlier. Yeah, little crostinis or whatever they're called. Yeah, a couple of them. A little bit of jammy stuff. Horrible. Yeah. All this is horrible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that and a big glass of white wine and also I'm just nipping out for a second and I'm gonna have a little vape or if it's a really busy restaurant and there's like

vibes I might just look at you and vape right there and just sort of think on it you know sometimes you know like how like sometimes if you're trying to be too discreet about passing someone drugs you just think that look I'm just gonna put it on the table you take it because then otherwise it makes it weird, didn't it? And then people are going to look and that's how I treat people. All of that. Doing all of this to me. All of that's directed at you.

As if I know anything about discreetly giving people drugs. But that's because, this often happens on the podcast, is that they go, well obviously not him. They look at me and go, well, obviously not him. So then by default, they assume that you know about that sort of stuff. No, no, I'm just, no, you're just closer to me on this table, that's all I'm just saying. You directed all of that towards Ed, and you were like, Ed knows about drugs. Yeah, I think it was more than-

Kramer won't know what I'm on about. Well, also you've given me a bit of a cold shoulder now with the cheese suggestion. Yeah, that's right. So I'm trying to- I hate your guts. Yeah, exactly, I sense it. I sense it. You know what I mean?

I'm very annoyed. Yeah, I can tell. I can't believe it. I chuck all of that cheese board in the Trevi Fountain. Would you? Yeah, I bring it out. I go, who ordered the cheese board? And you go, well, it's either me

or that old man who's nodding. And I'll be like, here you go. And as I'm about to put it the table go and I'll wake it all Yeah, go and splat into the trevi fountain I'll be like you go and get that in the trevi fountain if you want it Michelle doesn't need to she's got someone will do That for her. Yeah, the way the suggestible Italian man. Yeah go retrieve my cheese That's what you'll be up for doing I think that's fucking dark to be honest that's what you would be up for doing. I think that's fucking dark to be honest.

I do that to you. I think it's fucking dark that you're like, oh, you're gonna give me a cappuccino. Hmm, you seem like someone who's suggestible. How about getting in the fountain? I'll just be like, oh, thanks for the coffee. This place is lovely. You're like, how can I push it one step further?

I would be like that. Yeah. That is me. Yeah, same with like, I don't like this. I'm chucking your cheese in the fountain, which is outrageous I saw someone do that once. No, you didn't. Well, it wasn't cheese ball, but I saw someone chuck cheese in a fountain Did you really James? It was a coffee. It was a coffee in a river

That's like saying it rains one day What do you mean a coffee in a river is like throwing cheese in a fountain? Well the guy was like, we're in a beer garden in Ireland and the guy was like, You are pulling this story out of your bum. No I've heard this story before to be fair. It's like, was everyone, everyone, we were having Guinness and one of the comics, it was all comedians, went I just want a coffee and he was like, right, okay. He came back, put all the Guinness down and he went, got your coffee here? It was like on a board,

because it had all the sugar and everything. He went, here you go, and then threw it in the river. We all really laughed and he went, sorry, I'll get you another one. He did it again. It was really good when he did it again. I really loved it when he threw the coffee in the river. Do you know what though, that's such a,

I'd be scared that if I did that, no one would laugh. And then you would just- Yeah, that's big. You have to know that that's your personality you know what I mean? yeah yeah yeah and read your menu back to you now see how you feel about it yeah you want a glass bottle of still water you would like poppadoms and bread you would like to start a triple melon vape

lost Mary lost Mary vape yeah with three cappuccinos in Rome in the evening in front of the Trevi Fountain with a glass of water yeah main course American Southern mac and cheese side dish skin-on diner style chips In Rome, in the evening, in front of the Trevi Fountain with a glass of water. Main course, American Southern Mac and Cheese. Side dish, skin on, diner style chips.

Drink, orange Lucasade. And for dessert, a cheese ball with crackers. It's been a while since we've had a cheese ball, this is exciting. This sounds decent. If I put all of this on a table, we would be like, come on. What are you talking about? If you put all of this on a table, it would barely fill the space in front of you.

No, no, we don't know about size. We haven't spoken about a mac and cheese. And not, look at that, this bit, that in the middle, that's a mac and cheese. Big mac and cheese. Yeah, we got some little fries around the side. How many fries do you want when you're eating mac and cheese anyway?

And then I'm like, don't worry about that. Just, we got a little cheese board coming for after. I, a lot of cheese knocking around in this meal. Yeah, there's a lot of cheese. Cheese is delicious. Yeah. It's an awful menu. It's my menu, isn't it? I'm not saying come over to my house for a dinner party. You said, what is my dream? Yeah. That's it for me. I know. But like this is like so bad that even though I'm not eating it I find it offensive. I find it offensive that

you're eating it. This is basically if you pick a cheese board unfortunately Michelle you're tainted in James's mind you're done. Well you don't have repeat guests do you so it don't matter. This is a fucking banging menu for me, for my palate. Do you know what I mean? When you make up your menu, it's not going to be that, is it? Damn right. None of this is showing up on my menu at all. Especially this cheese board. Yeah. And I'm not vaping. It's a good point. Cool. All right then.

This is... It's delicious. Come on. I love the mac and cheese. Mac and cheese sounds really nice. Do you not like cheese? Mac and cheese is a side, sure. Do you like mac and cheese sounds really nice. Do you not like cheese? Mac and cheese is a side, sure. Do you like mac and cheese? Yeah. Do you like chips?

Obviously you like chips. Don't be difficult. Do you like a cheese ball? No. Yeah. You do. But not as a dessert. No, no. Not as a dessert.

But do you like those things? I would not like any of this. I like loads of stuff, but not together. None of this together. This is a sad., but not together. None of this together. This is a sad. I think a lot of the sweetness in the meal is coming from the vape. Yeah, exactly. You don't need and the orange leucosate.

Yeah, not sweet anymore. Palate clenter. Not sweet anymore. Yeah, not sweet anymore, but still delicious. Orange leucosate is not delicious. I'm not getting that. I feel like you are just giving me a lot of resistance now. Yeah. I think you have to remember I'm your guest. Yeah was doing this. That's not delicious. I'm not getting that. I feel like you are just giving me a lot of resistance now Yeah, I think you have to remember. I'm your guest. Yeah, all right. You asked me to come I pulled this menu out of my

Yeah, that's my menu Don't you love cheese? I do, look. I famously love cheese. I think it's delicious. It's amazing, isn't it? Thank you so much, Michelle. Thank you. Yeah. We didn't even talk about when you met Jeffrey Epstein. What? Well, that explains it. That explains how bad that meal is.

Some of it, the evil rubbed off on you. Thank you so much, coming to the Dream Restaurant, Michelle. Thank you for having me, Ed. James, get lost. Get lost, Michelle. Well, there we are. The wonderful Michelle DeSwoort nearly came to blows with you at

the end there James horrible menu I look I it was very beige very very least of my complaints and that would usually be bad yeah so imagine that I so bad I'd even get to the fact that is incredibly beige I love I like mac and cheese so you know sometimes it can be disappointed with the one she was describing was very very good so I was into that I wouldn't be having chips with mac and cheese personally to be honest she was eating like she was running a marathon two days later yeah she was carving up yeah I you're alright man I mean the cheese board is the least of

it's not even the least of all obviously a cheese board just tipped it over the edge yeah but normally I'm fine with people skipping a starter. I love it. I mean, listeners will have heard it. Yeah. When Michelle said no starter, I was really loving it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Looking at your face, little did I know.

But then she picked a vape, so I was into that. Yeah. Vape and coffee, that was quite a good idea, really. And then she didn't really know any cheeses or even what. No, that annoyed me. The quince jelly was called. So like, you know, that must have rubbed you up the wrong way. Yeah, but I wasn't going to take her on at that point because she had a sort of laser vision set on you.

So I was enjoying that. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, I guess another episode that we won't be releasing. I don't know why we're bothering doing this outro because we're not going to release this episode. This episode is going out definitely. There's loads that we haven't put out. Thank you so much to Michelle as well for not saying shredded daikon or the white stuff you find in a box of sushi sometimes.

I'd have loved it if she said that. Would have made the menu better. Very rare that the secret ingredient would improve the menu. Well, she didn't say it, so we should let you know that Spent, Michelle's new show is on BBC2 now and also on iPlayer. So do make sure you go and watch that. She is brilliant. Fair enough. Do watch that. Yeah, do watch that. Thank you so much for listening. We will be back next week with another episode of the Off Menu Podcast with Ed Gamble and James A. Castor. That's us.

Bye. Hello, off menu listener. Yes, that's right. At last, a good comedian on this podcast. It's me, Nish Kavar, and I am temporarily interrupting your lovely chat about sandwiches to tell you that I am on tour with my new show, Nish Don't Kill My Vibe. Yes, you're right, that title is a reference to Kendrick Lamar, because I'm incredibly relevant. Tickets are available right now at nishkamar.co.uk. If you like James A. Castor and Ed Gamble, maybe you'll enjoy the humour of one of their friends. Tickets at nishkamar.co.uk. If you like James A. Castor and Ed Gamble, maybe you'll enjoy the

humour of one of their friends. Tickets at nishkamar.co.uk.