Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 26: Kerry Godliman

Episode Date: August 14, 2019

Kerry Godliman – 'Taskmaster' champion and 'Derek' star – pops in to the dream restaurant this week. We're off on holiday to eat this meal, but James has forgotten to tell Kerry something. Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive Productions.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).See Kerry Godliman in 'After Life' on Netflix, check out her website www.kerrygodliman.com, and follow her on Twitter @KerryAGodliman.Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Ed Gamble is on tour, including a date at the Shepherd's Bush Empire. See his website for full details.James Acaster is on tour. See his website for full details.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? What's that sizzle? Why? It's another hot podcast. Oh, very nice, Ed. Ed just comes off with it so quick. Oh, man. Off the top of his head. Welcome to Off Menu, the podcast with me, Ed Gamble, and James E. Gaster. Well, you've got a cracking guest today. Keri Godlemann is going to be choosing her

favourite ever starter, main course, dessert, drink, side. Keri Godlemann, wonderful comedian, wonderful actor. She was on Taskmaster with you, James. She was. A worthy opponent. I don't want to give spoiler alerts to people who haven't seen it, but she gives me a run for my money, I guess. She won. So she's going to... She is, I guess, today, picking her dream menu. Now, there is a secret ingredient, James, that if she says that she's out of the restaurant, what is it? Fruity cheese.

Fruity cheese. Quite a left-field one, this. I don't like it when cheese has apricots in it or cranberries in it. I don't like those little bits of fruit in the cheese. No way. I kind of agree. Apart from once, I went to Wensleydale, the place, and went on a tour of the Wensleydale Creamery, and you got to try all the cheeses, and I tried them on cranberries, and I thought it was quite nice. Oh, did you go with your friend, Gromit? No, I went with my father.

Gromit. Yes. Yes. Well, listen, also, this is my way of getting it, so that if Kerry does something horrific like a cheeseboard, and you know how I feel about cheeseboards, if she chooses something like that, this is a way of getting her out of the restaurant, you see. So help me, God, if you try and kick someone out for picking a cheeseboard, I will block the goddamn door. We'll see about that.

If you kick someone out for having a cheeseboard, I leave this restaurant as well. And if I leave this restaurant, you're never getting free, Junie. What? You're the one who sets me free? Yeah. I didn't know that. I could set you free. I'm the manager of the restaurant.

What a twist in the tail. If I chose someone out for having a cheeseboard, I'll never be free as a Junie. Well, there's something to think about. I can't believe that's going to never free me. But I'm on board with you that if Kerry picks fruity cheese in her dream meal, she deserves to be kicked out. Absolutely. But still, we welcome her with open arms. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the menu of

Kerry Godlimit. I'm going to put the door mat. You can leave that in where I can put it. Such an old podcast trope. Welcome to the Magical Restaurant, Kerry. Thank you for having me. Excellent sound effects. Welcome.

James is a Junie. FYI. Welcome along. I'm a Junie. This is a magical restaurant. I'm also a waiter. Right. Here to look after you.

Can I take your coat? Yes. I'm fully committed to this role play. Yeah. Yeah. Do it. Yes. You can take my coat.

And I can take your bag. Take it. Improv. Yeah. Very good improv. Never block. Never block an offer. Do you always give your coat?

Do you always give your coat? Coat and bag at the start of a meal. Would you give your coat and bag to the people working at the restaurant? I don't think I eat in places that that's an issue. I don't recall ever having that thought or dilemma. You're saying you've never been to a restaurant. Someone said, shall I take your coat? I don't know.

I'm very suspicious of people that want to take my coat. I'm like, what do you want it for? I think that might come up in this podcast. My attitude to eating out. Quite suspicious. Yes. What do you think they would do with your coat? Rifle through the pockets.

Go for your pockets. What's in your pockets normally? Hair bands. And... Do you want people to get your hair bands? Do you? Do you want people to get your hair bands? Train tickets and receipts.

Right. That's receipts are pretty important for when you do your... I don't know why I don't expect someone to take my coat, but you're right. That does make sense, because you don't want it draping all over the floor, do you? Draping? Yeah.

Is that a word? What do I mean? Draping. Yeah, draping sounds like a word. Oh, my God. Are we going to... No, no, I'm just... Or a word podcast.

Not what it is, word podcast. These are going to counsel all my choices of words. I'm just interested about the word draping, because it sounds like it's a word, but I'm not sure if I've ever heard it before. This has happened to me in podcasts before, where I feel like I'm at GCSE English, where people are going,

I don't think you mean that, do you? No, but I know what you mean by draping. Well, then that's the main thing, isn't it? That's what words are for, is to connect with meanings. So if you know what I mean, don't be a pedant. I don't think anyone's ever got angry on the podcast.

Love it. Straight away. Well, does everyone want to be in touch for their choice of words so early? No, that's true. No one has been. Well, probably, I don't know. I can't remember,

because it never kicked off like this before. I'm just interested. Draping. Draping. It's a nice word. Draping. But you never had a bag when you go into it. What about one of those places,

where they put it on a little clip? That's good. Yeah. Yeah. Classy. That stops robbers, right? Yeah. What?

In quite a lot of pubs in London, they started having them a few years ago. Oh, it's like a... Yeah, like a little hook clip thing. A dog hook. Yeah, you put your bag, and then if a robber tries to get it, they won't be able to,

because they'd have to fiddle with it. Robber? What do you mean by robber? Robber's definitely a word. You'd probably say burglariser. Oh, the burglariser. Oh, the burglariser's taken my bag, which I left draping on the flooring.

I see I wouldn't have gone with robber. I'd have said thief. Right, okay. Pickpocket. Well, we obviously come from different times, Kerry. I obviously come from Victorian times, when... I like to think of you as a Victorian thing.

Yeah. I'm glad to hear that. Kerry said pickpocket. But he's good. He's bad. You did say pickpocket. Yes. That's pretty Victorian.

Yeah, I like it a little. The Kensian. Yeah. You, before we started this, said you weren't a foodie? I don't know. Well, it's... I don't know.

You might be... Well, let's unpick that. Okay. Because I don't know if I am a foodie. I like food. Yeah. But I am very scared of pretentiousness when it comes to...

Because a lot of people I think that are foodies, you too, not included, are wankers. Right. So it's quite hard to go... You know, people take pictures of their food. Yeah. And I'm very judgmental of that.

Yes. Okay. And I'm just blundering into that sort of behavior. Like, oh, you... If I start reading a review of a restaurant, I get very angry. Right. I just think, oh, you prick!

Do you know what I mean? Because they're taking pictures of you. Because it's so pretentious. Yes. It's so achingly pretentious. And I've got no time for that. Sure. I mean, that's a restaurant review, though.

Absolutely. Well, that's reviews all over. Yeah, that's why it went wrong. That's how... I mean, if I read a comedy review or a theatre review, I'm like, fuck you! What are you bringing to the party? Yeah.

That's reviews. So, you're right. It's reviews. Yeah. But I don't know what it is about restaurant reviews that really push... It's hard, because, like... How can you write about food and not something?

Yeah, I can write. I think it's very difficult to. Yeah. Because otherwise, you're just saying, what you really want to say is, this was delicious. Yeah, that's it. But that doesn't give any insight to someone reading it.

We start reviewing music. It's a visceral experience. Yeah. And the minute you start using words... Yeah. I already established I'm brilliant at. Yeah. And it falls apart.

Yeah. Like, if you start saying, why do you love that song? And someone explains. You're like, oh, wanker! Yeah. Just enjoy the song. Yeah, because what you just want to say...

Would you like still a sparkly water carry? Hmm. Sparkling, I think. Now. That's interesting. I didn't predict that, because all your talk of people being pretentious on wankers... Not pretentious.

Yeah. I don't want to unpick it, because I think I'm complicated. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like all humans. Yeah. Not what I've seen.

Uh-huh. Because I am scared of pretension. But I do like things that I like, and I like bubbles. Yeah, sure. And I like carbonated water. Yeah. Because if I'm out, right, having a glass of water, and I'm paying for it...

That sounds like you've gone out just for some water. Yeah. But I can get still water out the top at home, can't I? Yeah. If we're out, we're out. Let's do this. Yeah, okay. I like bubbles.

Yeah, that sounds like bubbles. Because bubbled water doesn't come out of the taps at home. No. So it's special. If it did, would you like it? Yeah, I do like bubbled water. I like bubbled water. When I was a kid and had a soda stream, they're back in now,

aren't they, soda streams? They're getting back in. They're coming back. Oh. I used to often just... I just used to carbonate... Carbonate water. The water.

You just do that. You wouldn't even put any sort of... I wouldn't put that horrible cordial stuff in it. Even as a kid, you didn't like that. I quite liked a bubbled water. It's like a bubbly water. Yeah, it's water, but with bubbles. I think we need to stop...

Good slogan. Stop thinking about sparkling or bubbled water as pretentious. Yeah, absolutely. I don't think of it as pretentious. I just think it's a nice treat from your tap. Yeah, absolutely. Water. I think it is a nice little treat, but it's not.

I don't think... Like yesterday, we went out for... We had a little podcast staff lunch yesterday. Me and Benito? Yeah, and I arrived, and these two were... They're already... They turned up earlier than me, and I was already early, Kerry. Oh.

And they'd already ordered some sparkling water. I thought, hello. Hello, it's a special... Fancy day, is it? Yeah, absolutely. But I think we need to... I think we just... And because of the podcast, when the waiter came round and said to us,

still of sparkling water, me and Benito just started laughing. He was like, what are you saying? That's not a podcast. It was really funny. Yeah, and then you tipped into pretentious. Yeah, yeah. He wasn't... It's a fine line.

We were laughing at that. It's a fine line. Pop it on the door, Kerry. Pop it on the door, Brent. Pop it on the door, Brent. Pop it on the door, Brent. Is it an Indian restaurant? Pop it on the door, Brent.

Brent. And I bought you some bread to display how much I love bread. I made you some bread, didn't I, today? Yeah, you did. You made us some sourdough bread. I made you some sourdough. I like bread. That's so nice.

How long have you been doing this for? I've been doing it on and off for about a year. Yeah. Because it's hard to get it started because you need a starter. Right. And it took me ages to get my starter. I don't think I understand this. I hear this quite a lot.

I don't, funny. It's a bit science-y. Yeah. But you do need to have a good starter. And it's like having a pet that you need to give love to and attention. If you forget about it, it won't... Like a tamagotchi. Yes, exactly like that.

So what is it? A little bit of dough? It's dough and water. And then you've got to let it ferment till it's alive and active. And then when it's just right, you can start making bread out of it. And it takes ages to get it there. Really? Yeah.

And you always have that one and you take, like, little bits. Yeah. And there are people that have it, like, you know, family heirlooms or something. I'm not in that territory. No. But I have got... Rob Rouse taught me how to do it. And he...

Rob Rouse? Yes. And he... I know that when we make sourdough. It's like this... Oh, yeah. It's sourdough making boys. And he gave me his starter to get it started.

So you can pass them on and get them going. Oh, wow. You've got Rob Rouse's sourdough starter. I've got his starter. Although I think that one went to shit and then I got my own going in the end. Did you tell him? I haven't told him. You told him you killed his...

I killed his starter. He's still coming round your house and eating the sourdough now. And he thinks it's true. Good to know that my starter's still alive and well. Yeah. And it's not. And you're having a bite your lip. Yeah.

Because you know that... Bite your tongue, isn't it? Bite your lips. But there is... I do feel like... They could have picked me up on them. I'm smashing the system with making my own sourdough. Because that's another thing that is pretentious, isn't it?

The cost of sourdough. Yeah. Well, this is the thing. So, like, yeah. Oh, so hold on. That's what you're doing. I made my own. So by making your own sourdough, that's not the...

And carbonating my own water. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am. I'm sticking it to the map. You are beating the system. Yeah, man. Smashing your own avocado. I smashed my own avocado to put it on my homemade sourdough.

Do you? Yes. So you smashed your own avocado. I sprinkled my own chili flakes on there. Yeah. I mean, you don't have to go out and get some chump to make this shit for you. No, absolutely not. You can make it at home.

Yeah, you can. Are you milking a sheep to make your own halloumi? No, I'm not that bad. You've got a full brunch farm going on. I wouldn't, actually. I do like... What rounds give you a little lamb? He probably would.

He has got, like, animals. How's that? Animals is a word. It's alright. That one's never been. I like the word animals. Animals. I like changing words.

Yeah, yeah. But that's a different podcast. So I do like that sort of rustic-y vibe where you... I wouldn't mind chickens and all that crap. That's not realistic because I live in London and I've got a job. But in another world, I wouldn't mind that good life sort of vibe. I got given a chicken once for my 18th birthday. Wow.

Alive. Yeah, alive. I never knew this. I lived in London. I can't wait to hear this. My friends thought it would be funny to buy me a chicken. It is funny. It is funny, but it's an awful end to the story.

Oh, God. Did you eat it? No, no. Ed went to private school for a bit of context about what's considered funny. Oh, yeah. So he thought it would be funny and he brought the chicken over and I was like, why have you... It wasn't a sex game. You weren't meant to stick something in the chicken.

No, you weren't meant to. But get ready for the rest of the talking. I don't mean me. Can I just say that now? I do not like this story already. Right. Well, I didn't eat the chicken. Unethical shit is going to come at me now as an adult.

Look, the chicken was brought round and I said, I can't have the chicken here. I live with my mum. She can't put a chicken in her garden. We've got no way of keeping a chicken. Yeah. So we took it to my friend's house down the road who had a little sort of coop thing in his back garden. What's your friend called?

Will. Will, yeah. We put it in the coop and then a fox came in. Oh, yeah, a fox is taken. He had a coop ready to roll. Yeah, because I think someone had bought him a chicken for his birthday. Oh, so it's a thing. Yeah, I think it was like a running thing.

It was like a running thing. You all bought each other chickens? Yeah. The chicken was called Jalfrazy, R-O-P Jalfrazy. Jalfrazy, the chicken. How long did it last? Three days. Three days.

Yeah, if you don't have a proper lid on the coop, the fox will get in. Yeah, there wasn't a proper lid. I don't think it was a proper coop really. I think it was just a bit of wire. Yeah. It's like a VIP area or a club. You just called it. Just denoted where.

VIP. Off of the corner. Yeah, go Jalfrazy. That's your little area. Oh, a fox got in. Yeah, a fox got in. Yeah, a fox got in and tore it apart. That's nature, baby.

That's the food chain. Yeah, that's the food chain. What comes next? Over fox or under chicken? Over fox. Oh, under chicken if you like. Under chicken worm grub. Yeah, worm grub.

Over fox. What's over fox? Nothing. They are the top of the food chain. Nothing. They look back at you when you stare about. Yeah. They're like, fuck you.

No, you're a bin. Fuck you, I'm going for a bin. This is the restaurant for foxes. Yeah, humans don't eat foxes, do they? No. They will do post-Brexit. Oh, yeah, that'll be all of that. That'll be the next hipster restaurant thing.

Shibab fox. You'll be like, got your own foxes, you old bunch of mugs. Got my own foxes in my garden. I like the way everyone's being so creative about their post-apocalyptic. It's going to be lovely, isn't it? Yeah, just sourdough fox sandwiches. So would you have, in that case, are you saying you would have your own sourdough as the bread in this dream meal?

No, I wouldn't go that far. It's not that good. You haven't tasted it yet. But I would go bread over a pop of dom. I'd never know self-control with pop of doms. I mean, I would just happily disc those into my mouth all night. Like a CD player? Yeah, and with that little spinning, all the sauces and chutneys, I'm like, yes.

What's your favourite one of them? I get the lime pickle and then the yoghurt on top. And maybe a few raw little onions around there for seasoning. Oh, yeah, you're going all in. But not the mango chutney. The mango chutney's good. I don't like sweet. I do not like sweet and savoury to coexist.

You don't like sweet? So I'm anti the pineapple on the pizza. I'm anti the fruit in a salad. That can all fuck off. That's pudding. Yeah. All that's pudding. It's not.

It never crossed the streams. Nope. Never the twain, mate. You wouldn't like if someone had pineapple in their Nando's wrap or something. Get out. You wouldn't like that. Total imposter. That's James A. Caster.

He does that. What? Yeah, I do it every time. You put pineapple in your wrap? Yeah, yeah. Nando's wrap. I have cheese and pineapple in it. Oh, that's really bad, James.

I don't think it should even be an option on the Nando's menu to have pineapple in it. I thought you just took your own pineapple in there. Oh, I'm not doing that. You're not a savage. You're like, my Scott, take your own pineapple, thank you. Yeah, yeah. Shopping that up. Your potential pineapple?

Yeah. No, no, I'm not putting my own pineapple in there. I didn't even know. I don't go to a Nando's. I don't know what's available. You don't go? Yeah, it's only meat, isn't it? Although someone told me you can get a beanie sort of wrap in there, can you?

Yeah, but I think if you go into Nando's, you don't go there if you don't eat anything. There's other places. Yeah. No, I don't like fruit in a... I don't like apple in a salad. No? I don't even really like a pomegranate in a salad, and I don't mind... Well, we'll get to salads.

Oh, will we? Spoiler alert. I don't like anything sweet. Like, you wouldn't put, you know, some tutti-fruits and refreshers in your dinner, would you? So don't put fruit in it. No, I mean, they're not the same. Yeah. Well, they are.

tutti-fruits and refreshers aren't the same as apples. Ask the doctor. Well, yeah, but they're based on fruit. The origin of an opal fruit is fruit. Yeah, the idea. The fruit is in the title. Sure. Fruit in there.

Well, it's not the name anymore. What's it called now? Starburst. Starburst, to start my age. My mum doesn't call them starburst because in the advert, for when they changed from opal fruits to starburst, the advert was they were testing out the names on some monkeys to see if they would like the name. And one of the suggested names was it was Chimpy Chompies.

And my mum was like, I prefer that name. So she's called them Chimpy Chompies. I'm with her. So she would be escorting members. I'm with her. Chimpy Chompies. That's a way better name. So we'll call them Chimpy Chompies.

Yeah. Well, let's all start calling them Chimpy Chompies. Yeah, I'm getting new now. All listeners could start calling them Chimpy Chompies. We'll get it. We don't even bring back Kumar's cobbler. We can bring back Chimpy Chompies. Bring back Chimpy Chompies.

Hashtag. Hashtag, bring back Chimpy Chompies. What would you like as your starter? Right. Not to be confused with the starter for the sourdough? Yes, different starter. Dough confusing. Words having more than one meaning.

Thank you. Yeah. For the listener, there was a glare at Ed there. It's a good glare, wouldn't it? A heavy fruit glare over there. Oh, God, I was just kidding. Top draw podcast glare. It's really good.

It's really good. Face for radio. Oh, good. I think I'm going to have that soup, that Thai soup, Tom Yum soup. Uh-huh. Because I like Thai food. Yes. I'm not going to go for it for my main.

So it's better to just swing it in as the starter, isn't it? Okay, yeah, yeah. So it's like we can cover Thai food in the starter. There's more that you want to take in a whole, like, cuisine that you like. You want to get it. You want to do a shout out. Yes, exactly.

Shout out to Thai food. Yeah. And that's a big whack of Thai flavor. I know. Yeah, it is. And what is that flavor? It's kind of like a sourie. It's like lemongrass, I guess, is a lot in the Thai food.

Yeah, the sour is the key. Yeah. Thing of... I love a soup like that. I love any sort of, like, if I'm having, like, Asian flavors, I love that, like, hot and sour soup. Yes. Or Tom Yum, isn't it?

Yes. And it feels like it properly clears your system. Oh, yeah, I love it. You can breathe it. It's almost like a medicine, isn't it? Yeah. It's strepsil soup. It really clears you out.

You like to have your system cleared out. It's a nice side effect of a lovely meal. Wasabi king prawns from Tao Tao Ju. That's my shout out. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's lovely food to medicinal as well. Yeah. There's no...

I do like the fact that food is delicious and healthy. Yeah. It's a lovely combo. Yeah. Well, that's like you're dreaming, isn't it? Yeah. You think... Because I think one of the main things we all wish was that

the food that tastes delicious was healthy. Why aren't we living in a world where that's the case? No, it's true. I get very angry about it that burgers aren't healthy. Like... Yeah. You'd just accept it if it was. If you lived in a universe where burgers were healthy,

you wouldn't question it and go, Well, when you start... Or why? There's so much fat in it that you'd be like, Oh, great. When you go down that road of if I could change food to be what I would make, olives the size of apples

and apples the size of olives. Wouldn't that be lovely if olives were like, apple-sized? And you held a big olive in your hand. Here's what I like about it. And you took a big bite out of an olive. Here's what I like about what you just said, Kerry.

I've got a number of things, actually. But one of the things is that it wasn't similar enough to what I was saying to be something that just occurred to you. So it's clearly something you've already thought about. I'm giving it no to thought. You thought about that all the time. You were like,

I'm going to do a food podcast. At some point, I'm going to get my wild observations about olives anyway. But it's true. No, there is a link because we were fantasizing about what we'd like. Oh, we were. But I said it wasn't similar enough.

So it's not like you went, Well, that's true of all links. Is it? Well, you know, when you're doing stand-up, you're like, this link's tenuous, but I'm going to push it through

when it was one of them. Don't draw attention to it. Yeah. If it was in a stand-up set, that would work fine as a link. If you're saying, wouldn't it be good if burgers were healthy? You could say,

and while we're here, olives at the same size as apples. Because we're in the same genre. We're talking about food. Yeah, you're in food. You're in food and what you were talking about. But I was being conversational. What it flags up to me

is that it hasn't just occurred to you. Yeah, you've thought about this. It's something you've always thought. I've always felt it. You've always wanted that. I've talked about it once or twice and people just blink back at me. It's too salty.

That's why. I think an olive is a perfect size for me. Yes. Because you can have multiple if you want to. I'd do a bit bigger then, like a plum. A little plum-sized olive. I brought you a big apple would be too much.

The compromise. But a brown or an apricot-sized olive. Yes, please. I agree. Thank you. I would not. Stop. I agree.

I would like a little olive-sized apple, like a bag of olive-sized apples and pop them in my mouth. But they have, do they get coarse or can you pit them like an olive? Pit them like an olive. Will they be pit-pitted apples? He's got a jalapeno in there.

Yeah. Or a jalapeno in there. Or a raisin. Yeah. I don't know. Raisin in there. Brown sugar. Yeah.

Well, I'll say this now since we're doing it. I don't like apples. What is this? I'm not keen on apples. Why do you want them? Because I'm shrinking them to face them out. Just bit by bit every year until they're nothing. Once you've got an apple down to olive-sized,

you're phasing it out. Well, you know, because it hasn't worked on olives, hasn't it? We haven't phased out olives. We're phasing them up. Yeah. We're phasing olives up and apples out. By the way, it's not like small foods are being phased out.

Okay, fair do. You've overthought this. To me, it was a dry-away observation. Now, you're the one that's over-analyzed it. What's happened here? What I imagined was like a little bowl of small apples, like a bowl of olives, but do you want them small so that you don't...

I want a fruit bowl of olives. Yeah, and do you want an olive-sized apple so you don't have to eat much of it? Yes. So you'll imagine yourself eating one. I'm shrinking a problem and increasing at good times. And you're just eating one olive-sized apple, and that's your apple, isn't it?

And then I'm like, I've done my apple. I think that will only keep very small doctors away. Yeah, tiny doctors. Yeah, but they'll be placated because I've heard me apple once. I think you're mainly thinking about you like a big olive. Yeah. You're only saying the apples are olive-sized

because you think it's a one-in-one-out thing, right? Yes. I've got something bigger. I've got to add what I like and shrunk something I'm not paying on. That's what I've done there. In your head, you can't like just make an olive bigger. You have to put it in like a freaky Friday machine

with an apple and switch them around. So it's like electricity going between the two of them, and they both switch. Yeah. Because it can't be just the olive-sized one. No. Although you could just eat loads of olives. Well, yeah, I mean, I think that's the modern-day solution.

Yeah. Which I have done. Have you ever done that, Gorshan and Olive? Yeah. I've spread that's made of olives. I love that. Put some of that on that. Tapenade.

Yeah, tapenade. I love that. Okay. Because then you don't know how many olives you're getting because it's coming in a straight form. Yeah, it's a lot, I think. There's no what I've known. I've spread that on that sourdough I made, too.

It could be an apple's worth of olives. You could be getting. Easily. Yeah. Easily. Do you want that on your bread to start? Let's go for that. Let's go for that.

Olive-based recommendation for you. If you like olives and you like salty things. Yes. There's a little dish at a restaurant called Spantino in London that are green olives with an anchovy inside them, breaded and deep fried. Oh my God. Yes, please.

Incredible. Do they do that in polpo? I think they do something like that in polpo. Yeah, they do. It's the same guy who wrote Spantino. Oh, there we are. I've had that then. Yes.

Absolutely delicious. Proper salty like that. Yeah. Now imagine that pleasure in the size of an apple. Too much, Gary. No, it's too much. No. No, it's not too much.

It's too much of a good thing. This tom yum soup. I'm going back to it. What's in it? What's in it? Do you know what's in tom yum soup? Apart from lemongrass, coriander things. Is this a quiz?

No, I'm just curious. I don't know. I don't know if I've had a tom yum soup. Oh, this is like when you say to a friend, oh, you haven't read this book or seen this film? Well, I envy you, your ignorance. You're going to enjoy it, I think. Yeah.

It's really nice. It's not the creamy one. No, it's watery. Right. It's brothy. And it's like just got loads of things floating around in it. There's plenty of mushrooms. Like whenever I have something like that,

or even like ramen or something like that, it's this sort of meal you want to blow your nose off to. Yeah. Which is bad in a restaurant situation. Yeah, it's not a date soup. It's not a date soup, no. I saw someone really confidently blow their nose on the tube today. And I really admired them.

It was really busy. Everyone could see her. She walked on and sat right in the middle of the carriage and just very, really executed it really well. Didn't do it disgustingly. She didn't look in the tissue. No, just absolutely nailed it. Oh, good.

Well done. That takes some, it's bold, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Good sound. Good sound to it as well. Kind of almost no sound, but like just, yeah. It was very impressive. Oh, actually no sound.

I was listening to my music. Right. See, if you'd heard it, you might have been missing it. Maybe if I had it, yeah. I would have been like, oh, that was the most disgusting part. Yeah, people without headphones, you could just see them like being sick. Yeah, yeah.

Too much. Too much. Well, can I just say the reason I like Thai food? Because what was the sort of running theme? Yeah. Because I was thinking my favorite food. Because I don't have favorite food. Yeah.

In the same way that I don't have favorite like albums or songs or films because I can't cope with the pressure and the commitment. So you never have that. Because I'm in constant flux, James. Yes. Right? So the minute, like, you know people that like lists.

Yeah. The list person. Yeah. No disrespect to your gender, but it's kind of a blokey thing, isn't it, favorites? Sure. I love a list. Yeah, bloke's love a list.

Guilty. I love making a list. And I get the appeal because it's a fun, it's a fun little workout for your brain, isn't it? Like, oh, I can organize all my favorite things. But I can't cope with the pressure because I think, oh, one minute I like that. And then tomorrow I might not like that.

Yeah, yeah. So what I've kind of thought is what sort of food, because when you said favorite me, I'm like too much pressure. Yeah, okay. And also my memory is shit. Yeah. So I can't remember. Like, I might have had an amazing meal that might have been the best meal ever,

and I've forgotten it. Yeah. So I associate lovely food with holidays and travel. And I went to Thailand years and years and years ago, and I remember the food just being so good. Yeah. Like every meal was so good. You know, you're just like, ah, I've gained weight without a doubt,

because I just sat and just gorged on there. Yeah, yeah. And overordered did that thing we were talking about earlier, where you've been slightly tricked. So the way to be like, oh, yeah, that's plenty for two. Yeah. And it came and it was a banquet. Yeah.

And we're like, well, I have to eat it now. So just over, over eight. And I loved all the flavors. I think it's so fresh and such a unique sort of flavor. And I've reduced all of that whole country's cuisine into one starter. One soup bowl. Tom Yum Soup. Tom Yum Soup.

Yes. Also, when you said earlier, we just said that we were talking earlier about ordering too much. Yes. That was before the podcast. Yes. Last night, me and Ed ordered a takeaway. And we thought we were ordering tiny things.

And it was actually. It was basically sandwiches. But can we just sandwiches? I mean, I can't believe you ordered sandwiches. But they were like sort of, it's a repas, which is like South American fried breads with like really nice fillings. Oh, okay.

I was thinking about like, yeah. No, it wasn't like, yeah, no. It was really, it was really nice stuff. But the picture sort of seemed to suggest they were like little pockets rather than. Yeah. And then they arrived and they were full sort of disc sized sandwiches. It would be preferable if they put, right,

we were discussing earlier, either a scale bar on the side of the photograph or a picture of a thimble or something we know the size of to compare it to. A 2P would be a classic. But not an olive after this conversation. Not an olive. No one knows what size they are.

No one knows what size an olive is these days. So we've come to your main course now. Yeah. So this won't be Thai because you've dealt with mine. It won't be Thai because we've covered that. Yeah. Is this another shout out to a different cuisine that you love or?

Well, this is, I'm not, you might, I might not be, I might have broken the rules because I'm not very good. Right. What I've gone for for my main is salad. Okay. Okay. And I love all those kind of Otolenghi type salads

that people wank on about now. So when you go to those places and there's all these lovely like big healthy like roasted vegetables in it and fresh herbs and bits of feta sprinkled on top and all that kind of food. Yeah. I love that kind of food.

A hearty salad. A hearty, lovely, healthy, well thought out. There's been some cooking and some seasoning. It's not just a shitty old salad. Yeah. It's a really pleasing like commitment to flavours. Yeah. That sort of salad.

It's not breaking the rules. It's not breaking the rules. Isn't it? Because it's sort of a specific dish. Well, you can't think of a salad you've had somewhere with the best salad you've had. No, because there's one I make. I like, it's like giant couscous

and it's got roasted butternut squash in it and it's got like mint and it's really nice. That's really nice. And it's sort of olive-y. Again, I think a little bit of it is associating food with holidays. Yeah. And that's like holiday food, summer food.

Yeah, like fresh, like really fresh. Yeah. You are in the garden in the holiday time. Yeah. Yes, exactly. But there's a bush of mint there. I'll pick some and sprinkle it on my lunch. That's sort of...

Very nice. I really like... I've got Ottolangi's most recent book, I think. And it is amazing. And you think, I'm going to have a nice healthy salad and then you go to make it and you use half a bottle of olive oil.

Yeah. Yeah. So the last one I made was like a really nice bread salad. So it was like all mixed tomatoes. Oh, I love that bread salad. But then bread, like grilled bread and you throw it in.

Oh, that's lovely. And then garlic and anchovies. And it all soaks the juices. Yeah. But it's just about half a bottle of olive oil. It's amazing. Oh, but it's so delicious.

Yeah. I've had this chat with Ed before and every time I have a salad, I don't have any dressing on it at all. Oh, that's weird. Or anything. Because I feel... Joyless.

That is joyless, yeah. But it's a salad, isn't it? It's joyless, whatever. No. My thing is that... No. If I'm having a salad... I'm having a salad.

I'm just having a salad to try and be good. No. If I want to eat like, you know, a bunch of junk, I'll go and eat like some real good, like a bit of burger, or something like that,

or like a lovely... I hear what you're saying, but I think salad's changed. Yeah. Salad has changed. Because, yeah, you're right. You think of salad as like an earnest, healthy dish.

Yeah. But that's not true anymore. You've never had a naughty salad. So you can have a naughty salad, right? Yeah. Because I remember like years ago when you'd go to the salad bar

at Pizza Hut and, you know, you'd make your bowl and you'd put your cucumbers, discs to get an extra layer around the side and sprinkle it with all the shit. And that, then,

we were already diffusing that salad is healthy right back then, weren't we? Oh, yeah, because you put like blue cheese dressing on it and stuff. Yes. So salad being healthy,

those days are over. Yeah, but that's what I mean, is that like, I mean, it doesn't taste good enough. Oh, I'll make you a salad. I'll make you a salad that will taste good enough. I'll make something nice,

but I just always feel like even a really nice salad, I'm like, that was nice, but I would have maybe preferred a wrap of cheese and pineapple. Well, what you've made, well, no, no, no, no. Well, you're wrong.

But also what you keep referring to is a sort of like a staple of good times. It's a burger. Now, I would argue boring, but burgers are boring. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's just a lump of meat

and some bread. But burgers have changed, Kerry. So although, I know you're keeping up to date with all the changes in salad, but unfortunately, you've been left behind on the burger train.

I always feel like, because I don't eat meat, so that's that. That's a game changer. And a veggie burger, I've had the odd nice one, because it's just something in bread. And anything that's in bread,

like even a pizza, I'd go as far as to say, bit of a racket. Yeah? Yeah. In what way? Cheese and tomato toasty. Is that what it is?

That's what a pizza is, mate. You close your eyes and I give you a pizza, but do you think it was a cheese and tomato toasty? Yes, yes. You won't tell the difference. I've had very few pizzas

that have made me go, oh, right, I get it. I think, and interestingly, I think this is going to be another controversial episode. Yeah. That Kerry has come in

and picked salad for her main pizza's a racket. There's going to be some people up in arms out there. Well, look, I get that some people might be upset and I know that Domino's

and it might affect sales, but I just don't get why people really lose their shit over pizzas. I get why people lose their shit over good pizza. I'm not bothered about Domino's Pizza Hut,

anything like that. I think it's too much. Well, that's huge. That's a racket. I mean, I recently got a Pizza Hut pizza. My daughter wanted it for a birthday. I couldn't believe how tasteless it was.

Well, and it's just so, it's too much. It's like cake. It's like a bit of cake with some cheese. I hear you. I have had good pizzas. Yeah.

Like really nice Italian pizzas. Like, yes, properly good. And then you've got a few capers involved and a bit of seasoning. Yeah. I get that,

but I do think... Massive olive. Yeah, huge apple-sized olive in the middle. Look at that. I'm not a savage. You can cut it up. Sprinkle it on.

Slice it up, yeah. Great it. Great your apple olive really. Yeah. Really back to square one there. Are we? Oh yeah,

see what you've done there. But yeah, I don't, I, I not that bothered about pizzas and burgers, which is seen to be the ultimate treat food.

Uh-huh. And I'm not that bothered about that. And I really like, like, to me, if you go to sort of a summary party,

let's say, and there's a table of lovely salads, like a good coleslaw, a nice potato salad with like fresh herbs in it and chives and all that. I love all that.

And a quiche, a lovely quiche. Oh. Oh, a lovely quiche with asparagus in it and all those kind of friends. With asparagus quiche.

Yes. And like gorgonzola and all those flavours, cheesy, eggy, herby, flavours. And then,

you know, maybe you're in Greece when you're eating this banquet. Okay. Yeah, you're by the sea. Yeah. You're on a Greek island.

Have some quiche in Greece. Yes. Great quiche. Spannocopter. That. Yeah. I'm having that as my main, actually.

So I'm having that. So I'm having that with all the salads. Yeah, but that's the main course. Oh, that's with the salad. Yeah. Spannocopter. Spannocopter, yeah.

And a big old heart salad. And a lovely load of lovely salads. And you can keep going back for more. Is there any way you've had the best Spannocopter you've ever had?

I'm enjoying having the same Spannocopter. Probably in Greece. I think some of my most lovely food moments are in Greece. Right. Thailand.

Yeah. I've been on holiday. Yeah. And just there's nothing like being in Greece, and it's got one of those tables with those clips that hold the tablecloth down.

Yeah. And then, and you just have, this is going to be my side. So can we go to that now? I'm going to have to tzatziki and chips.

Tzatziki and chips. There's nothing like tzatziki and chips. Just such a lovely meal. Yeah, I know. And then you think, oh, I've had that and I'm going to go for a swim.

You're going to have a swim as well. Yeah. Maybe health and safety I should hang back. I'm going to have the sea and that's fine. I want the sea

to be right up to the table. Okay. Yeah. Like one of those Greek taverners where the restaurant is on the beach. Yeah. I know exactly what you mean.

Those and you can have like fresh fish and fresh salads, Greek salad with all the oregano sprinkled on and the olive oil and the big lump of feta. We used to go on holiday

to Cyprus. Yes. And just basically lying on the beach all day and there was a taverner right there, right on the beach. And you could swim

in the ocean and get lots of swimming chips every day. And why wouldn't you. Every day. And then fell into the sea. Yes.

And then fell into the sea. Because Kevin wants the water right up to the table. Right up to the table. So after you've finished your seeking chips you can just fall off your chair and just

just like, yeah. Just go backwards. Fall back into the Mediterranean. Yeah, it is annoying because sometimes you do have to have a swim

after a meal and it ruins a swim. Yeah. The whole time That's true, I don't like a very body conscious. I don't like that. Okay. I'm similar Please walk him out of my underwear in front of everyone don't like that. Ah, you need to buy some trunks Still saying that you had your bum out You be wearing a little

I like swimming I think I don't care about that. So it's boring I start swimming and then No, I find it quite meditative This is so boring. I go into a zone but it's because like the scenery is just the same Yeah, no, I go in I go into the zone. Can't listen to my music while I'm doing it Oh, you can nowadays can't you because you can get those waterproof pod do does. Can you? Yes, you can get my friend swims with headphones in you can do it But I quite like I don't run with headphones either. I quite like just having my thoughts. Oh, no, thank you

I thought thank you to my thoughts. I Fun thoughts like you you're you'll walk up I'm running around going on die one day. That's inevitable I can't I can't do I run quite a lot and I have to have Headphones in play music and on the rare occasion my headphones run out of battery or my phone runs and that's a nightmare And I'm running and there's nothing in just use the closest I come to panic attacks I You pushed through that and on the other side of that is peace and tranquility ed the other side of that is isn't the abyss

Just I can see now Just images of gel phrasey in his head get a bit to far by foxes Block that out Joe phrasey my old friend The worst is when I've run out of podcast to listen to when I'm running and I end up listening to this podcast Oh So I could I could be running right now listening to me talking about me running that's like foot-and-mouth I'm eating myself Isn't it is that where it came from think so that's bse isn't it? Oh, is it?

No good will come from that or it's like the It's like the aura boros Yeah, which is the picture of the snake eating its own tail, right? There we are. That's you listening to a podcast of yourself I'm talking about listening to a podcast of yourself. Add threes. I've never listened to it Never listen to it. I can't bear my voice if I ever catch a bit of myself Like I'll tell you or on a podcast whatever. I just think who is that loud cockney crone Shut her down. Well, we've tried What's in tatsiki, I don't know oh yoga

cucumber garlic big-time garlic and this is a little footnote on garlic whenever I follow a recipe that says Three coves of garlic. I always was in six. Yeah, love double it. Yeah That's all of garlic double it. Yes And my friend from one of my oldest school friends is Greek and she taught me the secret of good tatsiki making is you squish out When you grate the cucumber put it in a great Siv rather and push push out all the liquid because it can often get too watery Yeah, so you have to make it if you want it nice and thick you've got to get the liquid out So the cucumber. Yeah, it's often my problem with cucumber. I think you may as well just have a pint of water

Yeah, it's a nice flavor though. I quite like cucumber as a flavor I quite like it in water. I like it in water. Yes. That's that's a nice little That's that's the argument there Ed. Mm-hmm. But yes, I tatsiki and olive oil and salt like all good things I was talking to someone recently and we were like, what is the key ingredient is salt? It's fat and it's all yeah, like when you eat something go. Mmm. That's delicious. Yeah Yeah, what is that is salt? So it's the especially in restaurant food if you watch chefs actually cook something It's basically the key to restaurant food is tripling the salt. Yeah, it's naughty and it's salt Would you have salt in your salad this big? Definitely. I've got no anti-salt movement going on here

What could assault you happen? Because I like that stuff that you can crumble in your fingers. Yeah, that's nice. Muldoon is it that sort of sea salt? Yeah, sea salt. I think is it yeah, I think it might be that. Yeah something like that. Muldon, muldon, muldon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. It's hard to go back, isn't it? Yeah, it's hard to go back to the old crappy stuff. Yeah, for the old How do we salt? We really are the liberal elite. We are, we're talking about... And now we're teaching to Pretentiousness. Yeah, we have. It's a really fine line to go, oh, I love a thing. A simple and there's basic assault and then suddenly you sound like a wanker.

Yeah. How easy is it? It's hard because all these things are, you know, when you do them they are really nice. So we all like talking about nice things. Simple places. But it's really hard because of... of class systems and stuff. Where is it all? Because I get really chippy in a posh restaurant. I don't know how to cope. I feel like picking my nose and farting.

I don't know how to be. Because you want to show them where you're from. Yeah, well, I don't need to. I just think, how much? I just think the whole thing is a racket. I feel like that in going into a shop, like Liberties sometimes. If you guys go and have,

I use the toilet in Liberties quite a lot. Yeah. It's even in the center of town. It's a good toilet. But then you walk through the menswear and there's like 600 quid for a shirt. I know it's nuts. I feel like I have felt I want to do a fart on this

and leave. Yeah. So it doesn't bring out like, it does make me a bit chippy posh restaurants. Yeah, yeah, I get, I had a real massive chip on my shoulder about poshness for a bit. Yeah.

And I had to. You've got to keep an eye on that, haven't you? It's like all sorts of, I suppose the minute you become prejudiced of anything, you go, oh, I've got to rethink that because I'm like basically making judgments before I've even fully explored the thing. Yeah.

I think it was because it was the only thing it's the only thing I could punch up on. Yeah. Everything else was like. Yeah. That's true, but you could be missing out on a really good dinner, couldn't you? Yeah.

And also I'm more than happy if someone else is paying. I mean, that's the hypocrisy in me. I'm like, this is bullshit. And then someone says, I'll treat you. I'm like, no, it's great. I'm leaning in, I'm leaning in. Sorry, I slagged it off and said it was pretentious shit. Absolutely.

If you're paying, it's gorgeous. Let's go. Yeah, yeah. If you've got to dress up for a meal, I get in a state. Oh, yeah? Oh, God. Yeah, that's the only thing I feel a bit weird about

is when there's a dress code in a restaurant. I think, why? Yeah. Does there need to be? And it normally means it's not going to be a fun night out. No, you're just too self-conscious. Yeah. You can't even cope with a swimming pool.

Well, how are you going to cope with a dress code? Yeah, that's true. Well, as long as the dress code isn't in your pants, I'm fine. Yeah, that's all I've passed a lot of them. Well, it is at my beach restaurant. Oh, is it? Oh, yeah, of course it is. You're in your pants.

Yeah, you're on holiday. Really? Oh, I haven't I sold it? Lovely Greek meal by the sea, with the sea lapping around. Yeah, but not if it's just a whole roof to get you to perv on me. Yeah, but I don't care about things like that. I mean, you should see me at the swimming pool.

I mean, I don't advise it. I don't give a fuck who's looking. I'm like, I'll hairy legs. I'm like, what are you looking at, mate? I don't care. It's starting fights at swimming pool. Yeah. Someone tried to start a fight with me at a swimming pool

in Edinburgh. What? It's like a woman in her 50s, I reckon. Oh, swimming women are quite aggressive. So, there's no lanes in the Scotsman spa swimming pool. Yeah. But we were swimming. There's only us two in the pool.

She's, you know, basically in the middle. So I went right over to one side. Swimming lane wars, I've been there, mate. And then she started to drift. Drift towards me. Like a hippo, like a fucking hippo. So I then drifted even more. You know, I'm fairly polite.

So I was like, I'll just move out the way of it. I can be right next to the wall. I don't mind. And then she started kicking me. Yeah, no, that's not on. Booting me. I was like, what are you doing? I had to stop.

What are you doing? She went, get out of my way. Oh, that's not on. It's like when a bloke does the butterfly. And you're like, you're living in a dream world, mate. This is a municipal pool. You are, I got concussion from your ego. Like, what are you doing?

Surely you'll be happy when people do the butterfly because they're taking a small thing and making it big. No, you've got the wrong end of the stick there. He's being a massive butterfly. This is lane swimming. He's been a human-sized butterfly. This is lane swimming. There are other people here.

No, it doesn't apply. That rule does not apply. That link is shit. But I have had arguments with lane swimmers. And I've given people cut-eye, which I can't demonstrate now because it's a podcast, but you know a bit of cut-eye. Doesn't work in goggles.

I'll tell you that right now. You can't do cut-eye in goggles. She's like a prick. You have to stop them and you have to say, stop it. Put your goggles up, give them cut-eye. Then say, stop draping yourself all over the wrong lane. Stop draping. Do you wear goggles when you swim?

Yes, absolutely. 100%. Of course I do. I'm swimming lane swimming. I imagine you look funny in goggles. Of course I look funny in goggles. Who doesn't look funny in goggles? No one looks good in goggles. No one looks good in goggles. No, but like...

It's really embarrassing when you run into someone you know. For some reason, it makes me laugh more to imagine you in goggles than it does imagine like Ed in goggles. Yeah, I bet it does. I mean, I'm fully on board with that. Like, I know. If I wore past myself as I'm getting in

or out of the pool, past a mirror, I would laugh in my face. LAUGHTER Like an idiot. Do you wear a swimming cap? Yes. And I do like a bit of... I'll swim at 2 in Lido into the winter.

So you've got to wear a head cap. Maybe even wear some of those. Because those women you're referring to, like the 50-plus Wild Swimming nutcases, don't fuck with those women. I don't. I did not go to the house. They're really hardcore. Like, they are not dickin' about

because the adrenaline you get when you do cold swimming, wild swimming or whatever, you feel invincible. Like, when you get out... I mean, I went through a phase where I was evangelical about it. Right, yes. Like, because you get off on it,

there'll be a chemical thing, won't there? Yeah. Where you're just buzzing off it. Yeah. And for a good hour after a song gave you any shit, you would take them down. LAUGHTER Do you know what I mean?

You know when you have a good gig, that feeling of, like, oh, I'm great! On the top of the world, I'm the best. That feeling times a thousand. Really? Yeah. You were starting fights.

But if you looked in a mirror, all that glory would be over in a snap. LAUGHTER Because you'd be like, oh, I look like an awesome... You could wear gloves as well. You could wear, like, swimming gloves. Because your hands will get cold. And they don't webbed, so you're like...

No! I haven't got webbed ones. But it's your feet and hands that get super cold, isn't it, when you do that kind of swimming? Do you have flippers on as well? No, I don't go that far. To be honest, it's not the swimming, it's the coldness.

That you like. Yeah, it's the coldness. And then afterwards... You could just stick your head in the fridge. I told me I'm super. Oh, really? I thought it was clean. No, you've got to be in the wall.

You can't stick your head in the fridge. I like the way you've approached that. It's not that. No. Do you have cold showers? Yes. What is it, the proper science of like... I'm not sure what it is.

Something gets triggered, doesn't it? And you can feel very good. Yeah, I know what you mean. I've very rarely built myself up to do that. But when I do have a cold shower, really. You feel good. Yeah. So you're in...

You'll have a cold swim, and then you have an atomium soup and clear in your system out. Yeah. I love soup. Soup is great, isn't it? I went off soup for quite a while. Because when I had my wisdom tooth out, it got infected and I could only eat liquids.

And so I had so much soup. And after a while, I never, ever want to even see some soup again. Right, fair enough. For many years, I've actually only just started eating soup again. I'm only just getting back into it. But I had a very nice soup with my parents the other day. Did they make it? My mum made it, yeah.

Homemade soup is the best. It was a smoked sausage kind of soup. And it was very nice, yeah. Yeah, homemade soup's the best. Yeah. What have you made of the soup recently? I make soup a lot. I'm a big soup maker.

Because it's a way of getting kids to eat vegetables. That's good. To make it in, to make it in. Yeah. They're like, mmm, what's in this? Sweet. Pumpkin. Fruit salad.

Yeah. Parma-violets. Yeah. What is your drink? Oh. I don't have a favourite drink. Sometimes I go to a bot. You know when you go out and someone goes,

what shall I get you? And you're like, ah, you have a breakdown because you can't decide. Like, ah! Depends on what mood you're in, right? Yeah. It would probably be wine, wouldn't it, with dinner? Like, you're likely to go wine, I would have thought.

Yeah. And probably red. Yeah. Probably red, but red doesn't go with Thai food. Uh-huh. But it doesn't have to. I mean, this is your, this is your dream meal in the dream restaurant.

Okay, if it was, if it was... No one's judging you. No one's judging me. Well, it's... Well, the list as well. It's water fucking relief, eh? What's the ticket you've just given me? No one's judging you, Kerry.

No one's judging you at the swimming pool, James. You've got to get over that. Everyone's getting on with their own stuff. No one's judging the word you use, Kerry. Right. It seems that they are. I was just... Interesting.

But it just seems that they are. What grapes it was. Um, I... Okay, if we're sticking with the scenario of my Greek beach salad meal. Okay. It would be a lovely cold beer. A lovely cold beer. Yeah.

Is there any particular type of beer that you like? Are they Greek beers? I don't think there are Greek beers, are they? I think there must be a Greek beer or two. Do you reckon? Knocking around. Benito, look up Greek... Great Greek beers, please.

But when you're travelling, a beer from, like, when I was in Thailand. Yeah. Like, they do some lovely Thai beers, don't they? Thai... Is Thai go Thai beer? Yeah, there's... Well, that's Indian, isn't it? I find wherever you are, you drink the local beer.

Yes. And you're like, this is amazing. Yeah. And then you might see it somewhere. It's not the same. When you get back, it's horrible because... Vulcan beer. Is that a Greek beer?

Mithos. There you go. A Mithos. I'd have a Mithos with my... Vagina. Vagina? So that's what it all says. Vagina.

Yes. And a lovely cold glass of vagina. V-E-R-G-I-N-A. Yeah, I can't think how else you pronounce that. Vagina. You make the G or Vina. Yeah, there it is. Actually, now it comes to IVA.

Yes, I have had a... Well, vagina has its own particular tradition. Indeed, the choice is... Oh, but it is. The choice was not random. Rumors say that there was a place where the first form of vagina in antiquity was produced. There you go. So you have a cold vagina?

Yeah, I'd have a cold vagina with my salad. Lovely. And from here, it seems to just get cold beer, exactly, right? Yes. Like, just free... And it doesn't really matter what the beer tastes like. And then it's not... Then you don't think it's alcoholic.

You're like, it's just a lovely cold drink. No, yeah. You can have, like, before with lunch. Yes, please. And then go for a swim. Oh, that's real holidays, isn't it? Yeah. Drinking at lunch.

Yeah, loads of cold beers at lunch. And then go for a dip. Yes, please. Yes, please. A dip... And the dip would be tatsiki, right? Yeah. Yes.

Sorry, I was still thinking about vagina. Yeah, as per... Yeah. Looks like I'll go to the swimming pool. Who comes to your dessert, Kerry? Right. I'm not hugely sweet toothed. No, you've made that very clear.

Yeah. Out of the doors. You're very... I'm not like, oh, puddings. You know when people go... You know what I mean? When people go really, like, weird about cake. Yeah.

What's wrong with you? Well, you've got one across the table. Oh, do you love cake? He's a pudding boy. I love cake. Because one of your... One of your recommendations for my New York trip. Yes.

Which I've got a bone to pick with you about. There we go. Because there were lots of people... I went to New York recently for a family holiday. Great. Yeah. And James, very kindly, among a group of friends, recommended lots of places to eat.

Yeah. So I put them all together. I was really pleased with my skills, because I put them all together in one document and I had a huge list of recommendations. Great. And I felt really organised and I had that with the passport and all the flight details.

Get to the airport. Go to check in. Hadn't done those ester forms. So couldn't... Couldn't go to America. So I had... It doesn't have this as a bone to pick with me. It's not my fault.

Yes, it is, because no one... Everyone recommended, oh, go to this vegan diner. Eat these noodles. No one said you can't get into the fucking country to eat the food if you haven't done the basic... That's not part...

How is this my fault? You've got some food recommendations. I didn't go, oh, by the way, you also want to get on this flight. Before you said noodles or meatballs, any of it, you go, you have done your ester form. Yeah, but you've not asked them for recommendations about how to get into America.

A footnote of being in the country to eat the food is can I get into the country? You're not asking me this like that. I thought they were patronising me. By the way, Terry, you have organised yourself, aren't you? No, but be scared of patronising me, because you're probably pointing out something I've overlooked.

Okay. We missed our flight. That's not my fault! I'm addressing it at me. I should have rang you and said, James, we've just missed our flight, so thanks for the diner recommendation. But we've missed our flight.

I mean, all that advice and not one... None of it would run... What did you ask for, Terry? What did you ask for? I did ask for food recommendations. Can I have some food recommendations? Yes, and it's fair to assume that I knew because I had been to America before.

I was going to say, oh, yeah. But I forgot! I'll carry you into all these places. Little tip as well, don't eat your ester. I hope you've got that. If you said that, you'd have done it unpatronisingly with humour, and I would have got the information.

I actually assumed you would have done it. Okay, I... Yeah. Yeah, everyone assumed that, and I had it. You've had high opinion of you? Well, lower it. You've definitely been to America before. Yes.

You've worked in America before. Yeah. You've worked in America before. But because I worked there, I think someone else filled the forms in. Well, you would have had a visa. If you had a working visa, you don't need an ester.

A grown-up filled in the form. Yeah. I hate forms, Ed. But that's an online... How is it? It's so easy to do. A cut to me at the airport having a panic attack with crying children.

Are we not going on holiday anymore, Mummy? It seems not, no. Well, because James A. Caster didn't tell us... Because James fucking A. Caster told us where to get the best Nicaragua glory. But we can't get into the country. So that was... But you made it eventually.

We got there eventually. We got there the next day. But a lot of your recommendations were sweet stuff, weren't they? Some of them, yeah. And we never got there. We never got there. Because I'm not really into sweet stuff, particularly. Well, but your kids love sweet stuff.

Oh, God! Big time. Sorry, they... But yeah, but they got... They did get... I'm not mean. But you didn't take it to the milk bar, I told you. We didn't get to the milk bar.

I mean, what I did discover is that actually to... If you're on holiday and you are a foodie, you can plan your whole day around where to work, can't you? But we were trying to swing in some other stuff, like museums and Statue of Liberty as well. So I had to try and work out an itinerary where we could get what we... Like the recommended food places near what we were doing.

That's kind of tricky, because obviously the really good tourist things you want to do, a lot of the food... Nice food things won't necessarily be near there. Exactly. Because when we went to the diner you did recommend, we got an Uber, because we were staying in Brooklyn, and that was in Brooklyn.

I didn't know how big Brooklyn was. It was a 45-minute Uber journey to that diner. But it was worth it. We went to Champs Diner. Yeah, we went to Champs Diner. Champs Diner, vegan diner. Absolutely incredible. Love it.

It was so good. I loved it. Thank you for that. So I forgive you for nearly ruining my holiday. I mean, I didn't... Yeah, Frank was scared, my son was scared, because it was a bit scary. But they have horror heads hanging from the ceiling,

and it's that kind of... I didn't even notice it. B-movie sort of vibe, isn't it? Yeah, there's a bit of that going on. They used to be... I've changed its name now. It used to be called The Drunken Cowgirl, and I'd get that at Champs,

which is like Tater Totts and Tofu Scramble. We got that the first time we went. I had that, because you told me to get that, and I got that. Great. So if you told me to fill in the visa, I'd have done that. Point made up, I thought.

We did go to a really good, like, real classic American-y, diner-y place called... Oh, Bubbys or Buddies, or something like that. Right. That was really good. Like, we did have really good food, but I managed to get to all the recommended places.

Yeah, you had a lot of recommended places. I mean, you'd never get to all the places. Last time I went with my girlfriend, I'm obsessed with food, obviously, so I was like, we need to go here, here, and here. She really likes food as well, but also just wanted to do some other stuff,

and the one restaurant she was allowed to pick was in Times Square, and it was a diner. The food was absolutely awful, but all of the staff sing. Oh, well, yeah, that's a good trade-off. So that is... We had to queue one and a half hours. I'd eat a pizza if I sang.

One and a half hours. One and a half hours. Oh, that's crazy. Yeah, we had to queue to get into it. I think it was called something like Ellen May's Stardust Diner or something. Oh, wow. And all the staff sing,

not all of them can sing very well. Yeah, I'm not sure I'd want that. They all do like a... You know, they get their little solo, and they're like just walking along the table singing Move Like Jagger or whatever it was. But then you've got to do that fake, encouraging smile. I did not do a fake, encouraging smile after the second.

So what did you do with your face? I just sort of looked at my cob salad. I had about three cores light. Did your girlfriend enjoy that? She had a brilliant time. Oh, did she? Well, that's the one. Yeah.

It was miserable. She thought it was hilarious. She'd been drugged around all these places. He wanted to go to. I'd love to. I would love to go back and go to all those lovely places. Yeah. I like American food.

They know how to cook, don't they? Some good recommendations if you go back to New York. Yes. Fill in your ester. Thank you, Ed. We should have spoken before. That's a little kiss-ass. So my pudding...

Yeah. Right, because I have an appalling memory, and I'm sure I've had some nice puddings in the past, but this one was in the last six months, so we're going to have to go with that. Okay. I went to the Garden Museum. Have you ever been there?

No. Probably not. You're not the target demographic. No. So I went to the Garden Museum somewhere in town. I can't remember where it is. Lambeth Palace. The Garden Museum.

Yeah. And they've got a lovely calf. What is the Garden Museum? It's a museum about gardens and gardening. Oh, Kerry, it sounds awful. I've revealed quite a lot about myself, haven't I? I'm not cool. Should I have said that at the top?

No, no. There's no coolness here. That's not a cool thing. It's just... But I've established that I bake bread in a light gardening. I can't think of many things that sound more boring than the Garden Museum. Well, I'll take you, James.

I think I might have to change... Imagine. Oh, it's brilliant. The Garden Museum. Yeah, there's stories and there's people like... There's these gardening sort of pioneers. Gardening's a world. It's like art.

It's like a world. It's a world. It's like a gardener's world. Do they have old spades hung up and stuff? A couple of that, but it's not about that. It's about the people that were sort of pioneers and innovators in the world of gardening. Like, they're all these people that were seen...

Titchmarsh? He doesn't feature. What? Because there are these people... I can't remember what they were called, but when the New World opened up in oldie-worldie times, there were people that would go all around the world and get seeds from like...

So, most of the trees and plants that you know, they're not indigenous. They were bought here from the Americas and so on, other continents. They're all these people that pioneered all these plants. Sorry, I'm laughing. I'm going to do a gardening podcast, you wankers. Well, what the listener can't see

is that during that... During that speech, what you did is that you got your... So, your hair's been hanging down. Now I put it up in a like... I'm one of them... So, your hair's been hanging down... Let me just tell the listener what happened

and then you can respond to it. But your hair's been hanging down all interview. And then while you were saying that, you grabbed either side in like pigtails in your hands and then you folded it up so it was on the top of your head. That must be a kinetic memory. Then you got a clip and you clipped them together at the top without looking at any of this.

And then you carried on talking about gardening while there was just this weird kind of mess of hair. How come on stage like that? It was like... It was all coming off in different strands. Didn't anyone tell me? So, you just did that and then you continued to try and earnestly explain to me

while the garden museum was good. And that's why that was funny. Okay. That's what you've got to do sometimes to make something funny. You've just got to make yourself look physically. Yeah, yeah. It was great. It's like...

I've got to make this point. I knew I was on thin ice so I thought if I dig around with my hair, it's displacement activity. Also, when I garden, I put my hair up so it must be a kinetic memory. Oh, right. You're getting ready to garden. I like wearing like really scruffy jeans and boots

and those funny gloves and just getting lost in a garden. That's nice. I've got an allotment as well. Oh, yeah. How long were you on the waiting list for that? I waited four years for that allotment. It's London's long wait.

It's almost as long as I waited for the Stardust Diner. It would be good if someone sang to me up at the allotment. But actually a lot of what's nice about allotment is you grow edible stuff. So it's like someone looped it back. Nice link. Yeah. There is a very satisfying feeling about cooking food you grew.

No prizes for guessing what Kerry is trying to grow on her allotment. Like a mad scientist. I will crack that olive thing. Yeah. I will crack the olive apple sized olives. We still haven't heard your put it. Oh, yeah. So I was at the garden museum and it was like a chocolate mousse

and it was cherries or prunes or something of that department soaked in brandy on the mousse. Oh. And it was really nice. Yeah. I love that. From the garden museum. From the garden museum.

The mousse itself was nothing special because the mousse is a mousse. I don't think a mousse is a mousse. It was the boozy berries. It was the boozy berries. Okay, you're right. You can get some amazing mousses. Yeah. But the boozy berries, which took it to another level.

Set it off purpose. Have you had the boozy berry? I think I might have had a boozy cherry before. Yeah, I think it's a thing. So you have to soak it like in what brandy or something? I guess. You had it. Oh, it's so delicious.

I used to buy my aunt and uncle's peaches soaked in brandy every Christmas. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, that sounds nice. Oh, that sounds nice. So if I was going to get involved in a pudding or a sweet, it would be soaked in booze. Yeah. So whatever it is has to be soaked in booze.

Well, fruit. So what I take away, so the fruit that I've discarded from my main. Yeah. I have soaked in booze and put it where it firmly belongs in the pudding. So no waste. No waste. No waste. I'm not anti-fruit, but that's not in the form of savoury.

Fair enough. So I think that's... I don't really like a boozy pudding. Oh. Put that out there. Okay. Well, we're all different. I like a boozy pudding, along with you.

Thank you. I'd rather just have some booze or a pudding. Yeah. Or both. What's your favourite pudding, then? Oh, good. And just not boozy. I like ice cream a lot.

I love... I love sorbet. Yeah. Oh, okay. I love sorbet. You're talking about this with a lot more passion than you actually are. Yes, suddenly. Actually, fuck off those prunes because we're on sorbet now.

Yeah. Sorbet. I'll go sorbet. I've changed my mind. Okay. I'll go with that. Lemon sorbet. Well, lemon's a bit root one, isn't it?

Yeah. So let's mix it up. What about a grapefruity sort of scenario? Have you had that ever before in your life? No. So this is something you've never had before? You said this was a fantasy place. Oh, it is.

You can have whatever you like. My coat strapped on the floor. Yeah. I mean, it actually is. It actually is. The diffuse pretension. Yeah. Because I don't want to feel like a wanker.

You're like a grapefruit sorbet. Yeah. Or a watermelon. I've had that. You can have a scoop of each, if you want. Yes, please. A scoop of each. When you have a scoop of ice cream or sorbet, do you go cone or cup?

I go cup every time. Yeah. I'm going more that way. I'm not flapping around with it. Because I used to think more for your money because I get a little biscuity thing. Yeah. But now I'm rejecting that. I think it makes me feel, it's more guilt-free.

Here's where it changed. And it is an extreme example. But once in New Zealand, and it's closed now, there's this ice cream shop. Yeah. And they did these deluxe cones. Ooh. And on my last day in New Zealand, I was like, I'm going to get a deluxe cone. Yes.

And I got one that was, it was a sugar cone. It's one of those big waffle cones. Yes. But dipped in white chocolate, like fully dipped in white chocolate. This is not guilt-free. With like loads of stuff, with loads of cocoa nibs stuck on the outside. Oh, this sounds lovely. And stuff like that.

And like, the ice cream was pretty indulgent as well. Yeah. And had like loads of toppings on it. But by the time I got to the cone, I was eating the cone and going, I genuinely was scared. Too much. That I was going to, no disrespect Ed, that I was going to get type 2 diabetes. And I was really scared about it. And I genuinely, when I got home from that holiday, I've done it about three or four times in my life.

I've gone to the doctors and asked for a blood test. Wow. I think I've got type 2. Wow. Just a brief bit of science. I don't think you can get type 2 diabetes from eating one pudding. Do you not? Google that.

I felt really scared about it. I felt really scared at the time. I know that. That's interesting. I don't go to the doctors now and ask for blood tests and stuff. How are we? That's one pudding, broken. One pudding that made you feel that.

I think I had like an unhealthy enough holiday. Yeah. You were full. You were full is what happened. Yeah. And you went to get a blood test because you were full. Well, Ed, I don't think you can lecture me about this. I mean, one of us has avoided getting diabetes.

I'm diabetic. It's not lifestyle influence. How would you know? I wouldn't blunder into that, but I would blunder into that in the form of a salty indulgence. Like, I lean weight more towards savoury. Yeah, I agree. So I would gorge on a savoury. I do savoury.

Like a pickle. I'd go cheese and pickle. You'd go nuts for a pickle, right? Oh, I'd have a cheese and pickle situation. Yeah. Cheese board. I'd even go a cheese board. Uh-oh.

No, you said James gets very angry. We're about to wrap the podcast up, but now we're in very dangerous territory. But I didn't choose it, did I? No, you didn't choose it. He's still angry, though. You're angry that I even mentioned it. Yesterday, when me, Ed and Benito, went for our dinner, right, here's what happened, Kerry. Okay.

We've had Tom Carage on this podcast. Excellent chef. Yeah. He invited us to his restaurant. It's a very special meal for all of us. We all went there, came to the dessert. The dessert menu is like pornographic. If you like pudding.

It's like heaven. Every single dessert, every single sweet pod looked incredible. Hey! You got a cheese board. What a big cheese board! Did you do it to wind him up? I'd say... Still angry about it.

I couldn't believe it. I thought he was joking. I was going to... I threatened him beforehand. He said he was going to throw me into Trafalgar Square. We were near enough, but also far enough from Trafalgar Square for that to be a scary threat. To throw him into Trafalgar Square. No disrespect, James, but it isn't a scary threat.

Because I think it's just not realistic. I've thrown him into Trafalgar Square. I don't think so. One of the strong people around me... Adam is being patronising. I don't think so. We both grabbed an ankle and a wrist each, me and Benito. Benito wasn't angry.

Benito didn't care. He would have done it anyway. He's cool. He would have thrown you into Trafalgar Square. Isn't that anti-cheese board? Oh, so anti-cheese board. I'd say I ordered it 60% because I wanted it and 40% because I wanted this reaction. Excellent ratio.

God. It was absolutely incredible. It was delicious. Here's how good this is. I'm with you. Really good. Because if you're not sweet tooth, then that's not... I like a pudding now and again, but the thing that appealed...

I didn't fancy a banana souffle that day. I wanted... There was banana souffle curry with gingerbread ice cream and a rum sauce. A spiced rum sauce. That does sound nice, but after you've eaten a big savoury meal... You want more savoury afterwards. Like an absolute maniac. He was mad.

He started saying I was like one of the old men who worked in the bank in Mary Poppins. Yeah. Oh, can I ask a quick question? Although Ebenezer screwed on Ebenezer's over there, worked in the bank and going home and having his little cheeseboard before he goes to bed. It's too much. I'm with you, Ed. I'm completely with you.

Thank you. Me and Benito shared three puddings. That's how angry I was at Ed. I had to get enough puddings. But who are you punishing there, James? No one. I had a great time. Sure.

I had a blunt ester afterwards. But you're doing it with anger, aren't you? Making choices based on anger. Yeah. Well, you have to sometimes. This isn't the time we live in. You could not believe it. Anyway, I'm going to read your order back to you now.

Blue cheese especially was really... Oh, I love blue cheese. I love blue cheese. Yeah, it's just so do I. The perfect pudding. Time and place. The perfect pudding. Perfect pudding.

No, not perfect pudding. Even bend my fruit rule. Yeah. Because I'd have a bit of fruit with some cheese. I was going to say earlier, when you said that you wouldn't put apple in a salad, I would put apple in a salad if blue cheese is in it. You're absolutely right, Ed. That's fine.

Okay. We'll get me back on side now. But not for dessert. Learn your courses and where things go. You like sparkling water. You would like some sourdough bread. Maybe home made with some tapenade on it. Yes.

Starter, you want some Thai tom yum soup. Main, you'd like a hearty salad with some spanner copter. That was thrown in there. Side dish, tazikian chips. Drink, vagina. Dessert. I forgot about that. It says a cold vagina.

Yes, please. I've got it written down here. Yes, please. Straight from the fridge. Dessert, you would like a grapefruit sorbet, a scoop of grapefruit sorbet and a scoop of watermelon sorbet. Yes, please. Do you want some boozy fruit on top of that?

Yeah, go on. Check it in. We'll just chuck that on there as well to give you your whole meal. Have any of that? I'm ready. Do you know what? I am really happy with that. I'm quite happy with it.

It's all sort of holiday food, isn't it? Yeah. You could definitely go swimming after that. Definitely. Kerry Godleman there with her dream meal. Yummy, yummy. Now, it got so close just then. So close.

I thought she was going to pick cheese board and I thought, if she, oh, so help me. I was getting very worried about it and we even mentioned fruit in the having fruit with cheese. Yeah. I was like, this is getting very, very close to it. Dangerously close to fruity cheese, but I would have backed her all the way if she'd picked a cheese board. Yeah, but then I would have had to check the both out and then as we've established,

I never would have been in 3G. So it would have been quite a sad episode of Off Menu if that had happened. And it was already a very angry episode of Off Menu. Kerry really went for me when I challenged her on her use of the word drape thing. Oh, I'd say the most confrontational guess we've had so far, but not in a bad way. I enjoyed it. I loved every second of it. Very glad she was confrontational.

Check out where Kerry is gigging on her website, I'm sure. Loads of stuff going on. She's done an episode of call the midwife. Has she? Yeah, yeah. So watch out for Kerry. That's amazing. Yeah.

Proper, proper. Afterlife. Oh, that's the new Ricky Gervais show. Yes, yes. She's in that. We'll look out for that. Thank you very much for coming on, Kerry. If you want to see more of my sort of thing, I do my thing on stage.

Come and check out my thing, edgamble.co.uk forward slash goods. Also, I tried that bread that Kerry gave us and it was delicious. I had it with some soup when I got home. We were recording this quite a bit later. Yeah. And yeah, I had some lovely, lovely bread and soup inspired by her. That's what you're plugging, is it? Yeah.

I'm plugging my tour. Yeah. My gigs and you're plugging Kerry's bread. Yeah. Okay, cool. Yeah, try it. It's delicious with soup. Subscribe and rate the podcast.

Thank you very much for listening. We will see you in the restaurant again. I hope you're hungry. Hello, it's me, Amy Gladhill. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by...

Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil in case... Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the north

because, look, we're two Northerners. Sure. But we've been living in London for a long time. The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News. We'd love you to listen to.

Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glittle's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog.

You've left it so late.