Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 27: Jordan Banjo

Episode Date: August 21, 2019

'Diversity' dancer Jordan Banjo is this week's diner, and he's the restaurant's jumpiest guest yet. Plus James gets another new nickname.Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive Productions.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).See Jordan in Diversity's 10th Anniversary Tour. For tickets visit Ticketmaster.Follow Jordan on Twitter: @Jordan_BanjoFollow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Ed Gamble is on tour, including a date at the Shepherd's Bush Empire. See his website for full details.James Acaster is on tour. See his website for full details.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy, now. Please? Oh, is that your tummy rumbling? I hear that it must be time for the Off Menu podcast with James Acaster and Ed Gamble. Hello, Ed. How are you? Fine. Thank you. Just knew we know that brilliant intro. Yeah, it was a very good intro. I can't compliment you on it every time. You've got to learn just to be professional about it. All right, cool. Welcome to it then. Very good introduction. Well done. Welcome to the podcast where we speak to a special guest

about their dream meal in a dream restaurant. James is a genie. We're going to ask them their favorite ever, or the best ever, start a main course dessert, side dish, and drink they've ever had. Not in that order, though. Not in that order. No, we mix it up to the traditional order. Well, yeah, the traditional or hopefully you know what the order of the order is. Well, guys, one of the best things about doing a food podcast is people start sending you food. Thank you. It is a dream come true that we get sent so much free food. And it tends to be things that we mention now and again. And also people just seem to read our minds and send us the sorts of things we like anyway. Yeah. For instance, we are sat here looking at a

massive like corner shop sized box of naked bars, which I love naked bars. And these are the new salted caramel flavor. And I'm very excited to have a whole box of these. And not only, James, are they a box of naked bars? What do they say on them? It says naked. James Acaster. So James Acaster, we should say the flavor. Yeah, I'm really happy about that. So if you just want to get naked James Acaster in your mind. Yeah, if you want to all think about naked James Acaster, then there it is. It's very exciting indeed. And apparently there is a box waiting for me somewhere else. So help me God, if mine say naked James Acaster, I'm going to fucking kick off. Are you? No, I'm going to eat them. Yeah, yeah, you would love it. I'm going to gobble them all up

while imagining naked James Acaster. Kingdom of Sweets sent us some stuff as well. Thank you, Kingdom of Sweets. Thanks to them. I mean, you know, that's some crazy stuff. Yeah, that's some barmy stuff you can't get in the UK normally. Yeah, well, you can. Is it the Kingdom of Sweets? You can get the Kingdom of Sweets. Good on them as well. They sent us some Swedish fish, which I'm very happy about. They're my faves. And some, which I've not tried yet, but I'm very excited. Some matcha ice cream flavored Oreos. Thank you, Your Highness. I'll be very interested. Our guest today is the one and only Jordan Banjo from Dance Group Diversity.

Yes, please. You may have seen them on the TV. Dancing. And he's our second person from the jungle. He is. Jordan was in the jungle with our least popular ever guest, Joel Domet. Yes. I mean, we were very worried, you know, Jordan coming in, but hopefully, hopefully he'll be okay. And Jordan will not go down the same awful path as Joel, which is a path covered in vomit and regrets. And protein powder. Protein powder. A lot of people still lagging on Joel. The path we really hope he doesn't go down is by mentioning the secret ingredient that we absolutely hate every week. We have an ingredient that if our guest mentions it, they will be removed from the restaurant forthwith. And this week, James,

the ingredient is lavender. Lavender. Hate lavender flavored stuff. No, thank you. I guess we're mainly looking at the dessert on this one. Yeah. If he does look like a lavender cake or, I don't know, a plate of Parma Violets. I completely agree with you. Why put lavender in food? It's not a... Massage oil should have lavender in it. Yeah. Not food. I don't want to eat massage oil. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. I'll have a massage. Thank you. Yes. If anyone's listening. If you want to send us a free massage, speaking of native James A. Casper. But we do not want lavender in the food. If Jordan mentions lavender, he can hot foot it out of here. Yeah. He can backflip out the door.

See you later. Moonwalk straight into your car, Jordan. Yeah. Do the running man, for real. So, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Off Menu Podcast. This is Jordan Banjo. Welcome to the Dream Restaurant, Jordan. Thank you very much. Welcome. Matching socks, just for me this time. Yeah. Matching socks. Jordan's been listening before. He knows about the socks. I'm a fan of the podcast, guys. I'm a big fan. You're fully up to date on the Q&A. Matching socks. Yeah. Matching socks. But for the listener, they're on my hands. Matching socks on my old hands. Keep me warm. Yeah. What have you got on your feet today? Odd flippers. That's actually more difficult to find odd flippers than

backflippers. Yeah. You have to buy two pairs. Yeah. You have to buy two pairs. Yeah. Yeah. Lose one of them. I didn't lose a flipper, guys. Yeah. Got a couple of odd flippers on today. Some matching socks on my hands. Oh, making effort for Jordan, coming in. You're looking rather fine. Looking good. Yeah. And you know, I did a backflip out of the lamp. Especially for you. Especially for you, Jordan. Guy, full out. That's what I'm gonna say. Consider me for the trip. We are called diversity. We are all low genies. More diverse. That's what the genie community of actually very angry about you. Your name. What is this? Once again, genies get overlooked.

No. Well, shout out to Will Smith. He's he's he's repping now. Oh, he is. He is. Well, he's repping something. Smurfs. It's a terrible CGI. I mean, I'm a big Will Smith fan. That is terrible CGI. That's a shame. It wasn't ideal. It's not how we all look. Actually, we're angry about Will Smith. Yeah. Just so you know. He's not repping anyone. Here he is. Doesn't say Poppadobs or Bread once. Well, we don't. The film hasn't come out yet. They've got time to add that in in ADR. Could do the song. They might get you in in ADR to say Poppadobs or Bread. Yeah, never had a friend like me Poppadobs or Bread. I think the song I would like to ambush is I Can Show You the World. That's a whole new world. Yeah. That's a bit slow. Yeah.

And the genie's not even in it. Just suddenly appear out of nowhere. Pretty good. Poppadobs or Bread, Jasmine. Yeah. And even just this is quite promising. Jordan's listened to the podcast before, but even then, when I was doing an impression of you say Poppadobs or Bread, Jordan still jumped. Yeah, Jordan still jumped. Yeah. The funniest part is all of my friends take me because I'm the jumpiest person, literally someone knocks at the door and jumps. I don't know what it is. It's literally a job, Jordan. To be fair, you're not scared. You're just ready to dance at any opportunity. Every time you practice it, Jordan's scared again. So scared, Jordan. Are you a foodie, Jordan? Do you know what? I'm not a foodie because I feel

like my scope of food is very limited. Right. If it's not bread, meat or cheese, it's very limited. I don't really like sauces that much. I don't go to fancy places that much. Yeah. But I like food. Yeah. I like what I eat. You like what you eat, but it's a small window of food. What are your like sauces? The Paul Rudd approach. Yeah. We've got a Rudd in. It's not like, I just feel like it over-complicates stuff. I'll say this as well. It's not that I don't like it. I don't like trying new stuff. So if someone gives me like, every time, I've never tried Salsa before. You've never tried Salsa? Never. Every in my life. So if I get like a big bowl of nachos or whatever, I'm like, if I go TGI's, I just, I love their nachos. And I

literally just have chicken and cheese. I don't know, sour cream, no guacamole, no, literally just chicken, extra chicken, extra cheese. And I bring over the little plate of sauces and like sales sort of stuff. And I'm like, I just don't want to try it. So if you're eating just chicken and cheese nachos, is there enough moisture in the cheese? Cause that to me sounds like once you get past the first layer of cheese, you just eat in a plate of nachos. Just shredded cheddar cheese. So essentially what I end up having is I order like, I have to get the share of bowl because I don't need any of the nachos underneath. So I get the share of bowl just so I can have a bigger top layer. So you have the top layer and then you leave just all the dry

nachos and the sauce is untouched and the waiter comes along and looks and goes, what has happened here? Free lunch. So chances are if you've been to TGI's and you order the nachos, some of your nachos might have originally been on your plate. They've been recycling. Here comes old top layer. It's top layer again. Break out his bowl. Same bowl. Wow. So I mean, also you're shouting out to nachos early, which is a bit concerning because we've had your jungle mate Joel Domit on. He chose nachos as his starter and then the rest of that episode took some frightful turns and he's still getting heat for it. I already have a feeling that eating just the top layer of nachos is going to cause

some online controversy. Luckily, it's not one of my, well, technically it might be part of an option. It will make sense. It's going to be a topping. That's it. Just toppings. Well, first of all, would you like us to still spark the water, Jordan? Always still. Always still. Always still. And I've only just started. It's good you mentioned Joel. I only started drinking water after the jungle. What? Within the last three years. Two and a half years. Okay. You've never had water before? I have. Only we've got Robinsons, like juice. No, no. I promise you now. I promise you now. You've never had a glass of water before. How old were you when you came out of the jungle? 24? 24? 24? I've been serious. 24,

you've never had a glass of water in your life. I mean, someone, I've tried water, but it just made me gag. Moji gag. Water made you gag. I felt like I was like drinking spit or something. Maybe like, I can't wear gum shields. I'm not used to playing around. I used to take my gum shield because you get a build up of spit and it just makes me. That's more understandable. Yeah, sure. Water, that's what it, yeah. You thought water was spit? Well, I was away. It wasn't, people just spitting in bottles and putting it in shots. But you've got a very, you've got a very active job. I know. And that's what I used to, whenever we went on tour and stuff, I used to always get really bad cramp because I wasn't drinking enough. You're not drinking water.

What would you have if, so if you're tired out, you've been dancing, what do you have to refresh yourself? A little bit of summer fruits, Robinsons. A little bit of summer fruits, Robinsons. And the ratio was completely off. It wasn't until I was about 16, I realized I was doing way more Robinsons than water. I was literally flipping it on his head. Yeah, yeah. You were having a tiny little shot of water. I did that by accident once. I did that by accident once at a roller disco when I was 10. My friend had a roller disco party and they had a little station set up for drinks and you will skate around and then just grab whatever drink you want. And I thought they'd pre-diluted it. So I had it, I downed a whole cup of straight Robinsons core deals. And how was

that for you? Absolutely awful. Did you then go around the world just like a rocket? Yeah, do loads of laps really fast. Yeah, it did help with my movements so I could see why you would go for the straight Robinsons. That's what I did, guys. Bed and Red Bull. Straight Robinsons. You came out the jungle and that's when you had water for the first time. So it was in the jungle. Right. So I'd never drank water before and that was one of my main concerns about Gaby Newton. And I said to Joe, I was like, when I was in there, I was like, dude, I just really don't like water. And when they're taking you to different trials and stuff, obviously all the crew, you can see they've got like drinks in the front of the car,

they've got stuff around. So I admit this now and I've never admitted it to anyone. One guy, but one of the camera guys got out the back to go and check because you're not allowed to see the trial before it's ready. So they check everything's covered and then they take you through. And he got out and he left a half drunk bottle of, I'm assuming it's not Robinsons in Australia, but whatever it is. And I finished his bottle. And when he got back to Robinsons, I'm assuming it was something like off-call deal. I finished it off and, you know, I had no shame. That was on the first try. But then that was like, that was after about two days and I was already clucking for some Robinsons. So two and a half weeks in, obviously you have,

I had to drink water because there's nothing else in there. But the problem with the water was, it was always pretty much hot because you have to boil it first. And every time someone was checking if it was boiling or not, they're basically just wafting ash from the fire into it. So it just tasted like smokey water. So when I finally came out and drank a normal bottle of water, I was like, nah, this isn't that bad. So if you don't like water, drink something disgusting for a while and then go back to it. You had a really bad introduction to water actually. Yeah, yeah. Also, like, I love how you really water being like spit and then you drink a guy's half drunk thing of Robinsons. Because I'll be back washed into it also. Desperate times. Desperate times.

Being, I'm never sparkling though. Never sparkling. No, no, no. If you've only just moved on to still, we're not expecting you to have sparkling. I'll catch up with you when you're 50, George. I feel like sparkling is the reason why I was put off water in the first place because when I was younger, I thought there was a big, my dad loved sparkling water, right? And I thought it was lemonade. So I've gone up to take a big spig of it. Oh yeah. And you've got a nice taste of farts. And I was like, no, that's not for me. It's just that's the taste of disappointment, isn't it? I can't speak this morning. I've spoken to the podcast before and I had, I had licorice torpedoes for the first time. It was the first time I ever had licorice and I

thought it was jelly beans. So then I hate licorice because I was expecting jelly beans and then got them. So like, I understand that with a sparkling water for a late, popping up is all bread, Jordan. Popping up is all bread. I knew it was coming this way. In my head, I listened on the way in. I listened to one of these and I went straight off the water. It's popping on all bread. Imagine that's like straight off the water. It's an advert or a sound effect and then popping on is all bread. I was like, wait for it. We're expecting us to do the advert. I ain't yanking your chain, buddy. That's what I was waiting for. That's what I was waiting for. Something along them lines. One of the best reactions we've had that that was Popper. You

were like, that was a gunshot. Popper's on bread. I'm going to go bread purely because it's a little bit of a cheat, right? Because if I understand the rules of the podcast, I can have any bread I want. And I love, love, love garlic bread, but it becomes a starter. But if I can have any bread I want, I'm going to go for a garlic bread with mozzarella and caramelized onions from Prezzo. Yeah. You've hacked the podcast. I'll allow us to be hacked. That's so good. I love it. What's great about it, because I've never had it before. It's the onions, to be honest. Because like I said, I'm not really, and I only tried that last year. For me, it's always been plain garlic bread and cheese with some ketchup. And then my guy was like, I'll try a bit,

try a bit. That's not really for me. And it's always like, give me a slice. And the onions, apparently they immediately made me drown. But they are so good, man. Yeah. So if you're a Prezzo, get yourself down there, boys. Caramelized onions are absolutely brilliant. Yeah, it's good. Yeah. Who's the first person to discover that onions could do? You could turn onions into a sweet. But you've got me in a really weird place to try that, I think. Yeah. It's onion. Let's make it sweet. Try to caramelize other stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Do you have things? Some parsnips? Yeah. You can do that. You can. Oh, at Christmas, you never put like cunny. I just invented a dish. No. Don't think you did. No, I don't think you did. I just came

up with that. No. I think that's what onions and parsnips and you can do the carrots. Yeah. I just invented one. No. Okay. We just keep going. Yeah. Broccoli. No, you can't do it with broccoli. I think you've ruined it. Sorry. Sorry, boys. Well, maybe Jordan might have genuinely invented Windows then. Caramelized broccoli. Keep an eye out. Because for stuff like that, sometimes my friend Graham used to go on about an idea that he had for ages about like wearing, because I could go do a disco, but instead of like everything playing really loud, you have headphones on. So you can always listen to your own different songs and stuff. And then some of the discos came out and he was like, I wish I'd done that. I wish I'd done it. So your friend Graham invented

the silent disco. He did. Yeah. But then, you know, I invented the term backsplash. What? When I was in school, I remember referring to, well, yeah, when you do a poo. Yeah. And then the water splashes up on your butt. Yeah. Call it backsplash. Yeah. No, that's always been a thing. No. I did it before anyone else started doing it. Even a caveman taking a shit into a lake. He was like, oh, oh, oh, backsplash. I invented it myself. It was a few years before I heard of a people using it. You know, it circulated a bit in my school class and then went outside of there. Pretty cool. Right. Well, you heard it here first.

James has invented caramelized parsnips and the term backsplash. Jordan invented caramelized broccoli just now. Love it. The garlic bread, does it come in slices or is it like one sort of pizza? It's a pizza. Yeah. So it's a pretty big bread. It's a big pre-starter, to be honest. But sorry, guys, I don't want to keep hacking you. But one of the rules here is that you don't get full. You're only satisfied, right? You know, two full to a finish. Sure. Yeah. Don't worry about getting full. Don't you worry about getting full. That's one of the great discoveries, I think, is when you work out you can have a pizza before a pizza.

Exactly. And also, like, they're not tricking anyone with that at any point. The first time that gets delivered to go, we all know that's a pizza. Well, why are you calling it garlic bread on the menu? Right. But the guilt's not the same, is it? It's not like you don't feel like you're eating two pizzas. There's no tomato on it. If there was tomato on it, you'd feel really guilty. Yeah. Well, now I'm eating two pizzas. That's a mess. I like the garlic bread when it's like, it's the full stick and it's been like cut, but not completely cut. Yeah. My mum makes this. And it's nice and sweaty. Yeah. She makes it with a French stick, just slices it like three quarters of the way through.

Garlic butter in between every crevice. I didn't even know that you could make it. I just thought it came frozen from Tesco. It's easy as well, man. Just a French stick and then make the slices. You could just mix up crushed garlic and butter and then put it in between every every bit. Wrap it in foil, oven for half an hour. Look at that. Or crunchy outside as well. Yeah. You want the crust to be nice and crunchy. It's soft on there. Oh. And you can put cheese and onions in it if you wanted to. Nice. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we put those on it? No, I'm just going to stop you from doing it, but you've got to caramelise your own onions. Okay. Yeah. I'll do it for that bread, guys. I'll put the work in.

We move on to your starter, Jordan, which is like, I mean, you... It's going to be poppadobs. A single poppadob, please. Just one. Dry. Yeah. No chutney. Yeah. Just the top one. Just the top poppadob. Yeah. It's been under the heat for too long. If you had a poppadob, would you not have all the sauces on it? That's one. Actually, I do have a bit of chutney with it, but just because it reminds me of jam. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. That's normal. Yeah. Yeah. A mango chutney is basically, I mean, it's not, yeah. It's basically a jam, sort of thing, isn't it? Yeah. It's even sweeter than a jam, I'd say. Yeah. No, that's fair enough. Starter wise, I've gone for barbecue chicken wontons. Okay. Okay. So I know this sounds random. Did you ever... I'm not sure where it was, whether

it was Covent Garden, might have been Leicester Square. There was a planet Hollywood. It was a really big one in London. Did you guys ever see it? Yeah. I think it was Covent Garden. I think it was in Covent Garden, yeah. And it's moved. And it's still, there's still one in London, but it's a little bit smaller and it's more like, it looks more like an Ed's Diner now, as opposed to like Planet Hollywood. Like beforehand, it was like a restaurant slash Ripley's. They had like all statues. There's like a red carpet outside. It was like a proper event if you went to Planet Hollywood. Right. And I went for my 11th birthday. So I was in year six. It was 10 or 11. And I got a big, I got a limo. And all my friends, we all got in this limo. We went

up to Planet Hollywood. And I love that you got a limo. I can do a limo. I got a limo. My friends got a limo. We went up there. I just didn't even register that until Ed said it. I was like, yeah, because I was like, yeah, you're going to Planet Hollywood. I guess you got to go do it in a limo. I was like, oh, you're 10 years old. You won't get in. You won't get in unless you start up with a limo. Yeah. Get out of your limo scene. Got some one tons to eat. Yeah. That was that was the birthday present because it was like, I really wanted to go Planet Hollywood. And I was like, I just always had this idea of a guy did a limo. And my mom would double a cable. Oh, so it was your idea to go to the limo? It was my idea. They did it for me as my

big birthday present. Destin to be a celebrity. Thank you. Do you know what? It's funny because in my year at school, in the entire year, there was only 30 people. Right. So it was just my class. Your whole class? My whole class, there was like 13 of us. So it was like seven boys, six girls, hoping that's all right there. So we all went up and do you know what? Now you've just said that. That reminded me. I didn't invite my own girlfriend at the time. I was only 10, but because she was in the other class, I was like, no, because if I invite you, I have to invite the whole other class. And there's no room in the limo. Sorry, guys. It's a very exclusive list. What year group was she in? She was in the same year. Yeah,

yeah, but she was just, she was in that other class. Oh, just in a different class. In a different class. Yeah, yeah, bless her. She could not come. Did she take that? Was she okay with that? Well, actually, I broke up for her at the restaurant as well. I rang her home phone and I was like, can I speak to Abby, please? And I broke up with her. On your birthday? On my birthday. You phobic from the one time. You felt indestructible. You had one taste of the Hollywood lifestyle. You were like, sorry, we're just not on the same level anymore. I mean, it's over. I've got to, I've got to be a star. I don't need you anymore. Sat next to a waxwork of Naomi Campbell going, I've met someone else.

I've met so much. What you're saying? We should have this party, you know what I mean? I've got to let my wedding down start. So this, this is why that star is so important. It's very nostalgic. It makes me, it makes me feel like I'm very important with an American accent of the cigar. Yeah. But the weird thing is, but when I think one times, or I think like little dumplings, right? Are they deep deep fried? But at Planet Hollywood, they look more like nachos. What? Do you know what? I brought, I brought evidence to explain what I mean. I'm trying to imagine, as Jordan's opening this on his phone, I'm trying to imagine now what they

look like. I mean, they've got to have some dimensions to it. It can't be flat like that. So this is what you think of a wanton. Yes, definitely. That's how you imagine a wanton. That's okay. So just for the, for the, for the listener, who can't say Jordan already has a picture of some normal wantons on his phone, ready to go. So he shows us that he's already planned this. Like it's weirdly, it's his lock screen. Like it's his day in court. Here on a planet Hollywood ones. Planet Hollywood ones. Oh yeah. They're like, what? I'd say they look more like that. What's that? What's the filled pasta called? Ravioli. Ravioli. It's probably the same bit, like the same sort of skins,

the wanton paper or the ones on the skins, but flat with stuff in it, maybe another one on top and then deep fry that whole thing. They look more like little pancake things, but the barbecue, the barbecue chicken wantons at Planet Hollywood. So basically what I was trying to say is, since that one closed, they're now not on the menu. So in the new one, they don't exist anymore. Oh right. And that's why I was like, I can't get them anymore. It's impossible if I can still have them here. Yeah, absolutely. And they were so good. I'm not sure what the cheese is, but it was different cheeses all kind of melted on top and the barbecue chicken. It was like, you know, when you get that barbecue sauce, it's kind of sweet. Yeah. Like it's sharp, but it's sweet.

Yeah. Oh gosh. So there's sauce incorporated. So you don't mind if they've pre-incorporated the sauce. Exactly. I did not complicate it myself. Yeah. Okay. I'll get that. And the chicken was like moist as well. Yeah. So good. Succulent chicken is a must. I really, I really miss the big theme restaurants. Like the food was never a mate, like the barbecue chicken wontons. It was connected with a memory, but it was never like the best food, but it was such an exciting day out as a kid to go to, I remember going to Planet Hollywood. We waited for an hour and a half to get into Planet Hollywood and Danny Baker was there. Danny Baker was there eating a meal. So you're like, Oh my God, Danny Baker's here. So that was a true Hollywood experience.

There was also another, there was another restaurant called Football Football in London. I don't know if you remember Football Football. I don't even like football, but it was a football themed restaurant called Football Football. What? You can look it up. Everyone's looking around. What was it? It was a football themed restaurant. But what, what did it look like? You went in and what did it look like? You went in there and played football on the screen and there was like some shirts hanging out. It's like a normal pub, eh? There was some shirts. That's it. And there was football at the telly was there, eh? I think, I think I've just found out that my dad wanted an excuse to take me to the pub. Oh, let's go to Football Football.

Don't look at the sign when we're walking in. It says Football Football. It doesn't say a flapper and fur. Some of our listeners will remember Football Football in London. It didn't, it was probably only open for a year or two years, but they had like, you know, signed shirts under the wall. All the things were like football burgers. What sort of food was it? Like planet Hollywood style food. Just like really sort of generic American-y stuff, but they had it themed on like, they call it like Pellet's chips or something. That's not a thing. Pellet's chips. Yeah. Carol Paborski's chip. He was famous for his chip. Carol Paborski did a really good chip in year

of 96. I can't believe you're in a situation where you're the one who knows about football. Yeah. I mean, that's when we know who's got bad. If I'm the one doing football references. I can't believe you dumped your girlfriend in Planet Hollywood. And it was the night of my first kiss. That's why I dumped her. There was another girl in my class called Lauren and everyone was like, she said you'll kiss you because it's your birthday. And I was like, well, I can't kiss her while I've got a girlfriend. So I rang Abby to break up with her. And then in the limo, I'm on the way back like a real A-lister. I had my first kiss.

That's actually very honorable of you that you felt that was going to happen. So you're like, I can't do this to Abby. I didn't want to do it to Abby, guys. I wanted to be a good guy. Yeah, well, that's how it is. Did you tell her, did you say I've got to break up with you because I'm going to kiss Lauren in a limo? Yeah. I think I said I've got to break up with you because you didn't come to my birth. You didn't come! Exactly! When that wasn't her first response, she just went, okay, I was like, bye, see you in school. I was not invited to this party. I don't think that's fair. But luckily, where my birthday is, New Year's Eve, we was on school holiday. So I had like

another week of not having to see her. So it all disappeared by the time I saw her. Did all this happen on New Year's Eve as well? It was just, it was like the 30th, I think. It was like the day before. Right, yeah. This is such a momentous day in your life. This is what Wontons tasted so good, guys. That would be terrible, but they... Did Lauren have the barbecue chicken Wontons as well? Because I'm just thinking there's not pre-kiss food, really, is there? Oh, yeah. You're tasting the sweet barbecue chicken. I don't know what she had, actually. I don't know. But now I'm just remembering loads of random facts. I remember someone put a piece of chewing gum in the kids' hair and these mum called mine,

I'm really angry because that took me out. Classic. That's Hollywood. That's Hollywood. They would just do whatever they like in different times, you know? Also, I know what you mean about like those kind of places and you get a dish and you don't expect it like... You said about TGI Fridays earlier. I've been there, I think once, but for a stag do, and I didn't have high hopes, but I think the nicest fries I've ever had. Wow. TGI Fridays. I was really surprised. They had some sort of like, you know, like smoky kind of nice... What's it? Seasoning. Seasoning. That's the world. Seasoning. And they were very good. You just reminded me of them I'd forgotten about. And then we did the Wontons that made me think

about how much I want those fries now. TGI's do loads of crazy fries now. They've got loaded fries that have got like, obviously, like the standard cheese and bacon ones. They have what's called like, scorpion fries. It's like really, really spicy chili on them. Yeah. You try the top layer of all of those, I imagine. Just trying to work top into the chips. Thank you very much. I always end up ordering like the loaded fries, the stuff with the most on. And then when I get halfway through, I'm just like, I wish I just had some normal fries. Because it's always on the side of something. You're like, well, now they're the main thing. We've just had some dry fries. Yeah. Quite like the hippy fries at, well... You can't say that now. I can. What fries?

Meat liquor. Yeah, but... You can't do this now. He spent a whole episode slugging off meat liquor. I hate meat liquor. And then they invited us to go and eat there. I'm not going. You can go. No, I'm not going to go. You want Benito one to go. You can go. Beat my guests. I'm not going. I slugged them off for a whole episode. All right. Well, now go ahead and say how much you like the hippy fries now. Yeah, I do love the hippy fries. But I thought the hippy fries started in the chicken one, didn't they? No. Did they not? I don't think so. Okay. Well, that's the one thing they've got right. Your main course. So my main, it was, I really struggled with the main course.

Because when growing up, so my mom owned a dance studio. This feels like step up or something. Where the crew met. But I'm in a dance studio and my dad sells cars. Is it where the crew met the dance studio? It is. Yeah, it is. It would be funny if it was actually at the car show. Just all cool. It's the Dubai car number six. But yeah, so they were next door to each other. And we went to school quite far away from when they worked. So they used to pick us up and every day after school, we'd go straight to the studio. And that was the same Monday to Saturday, every day. Apart from Sundays, we would stay at home. So because we were there so often,

and we never got home to about half nine, 10 ish, we literally never had home cooked food, ever. We just never, never. So for a lot of people when they were kids, it was like a treat to get a takeaway. But I see it was a treat to have a home cooked meal. So I never got home cooked meals. Oh yeah, it's sick. And my mom used to make like this tuna pasta sort of dish, and she put all these different like, because it sounds bad. People always ask me if my mom can cook. And I say no, because she never used to cook that much. But when I think about when she did cook, she really can. So yeah, it was like this really kind of spicy, but kind of at the same time, kind of sweet. I'm not sure what she put in it. It was really good. And I used to smother it

in cheese, then just did the top player. At least do the whole thing. And I loved it. So that was kind of, I was thinking, do I go with that? And the first time I ever had that tuna pasta, I watched the film. You guys ever seen The Green Mile? Yeah. Such a, such a weird. Yeah, I love The Green Mile. It's just funny. It's just funny that it's The Green Mile. I love it. It's a great film. But like, it is really funny. The first time I ever had this tuna pasta, which is The Green Mile. No one ever expected that. At least you remember it. Clear as day, because we was either, me, my brother and my sister, watched it in my little sister's room. And it's when we just moved house, I could have only been about eight, was about eight or nine. And when I made this tuna

pasta, I was like, oh, God, this is so good. And this film's so good. And at the end, I remember me and my brother both crying while we eating tuna pasta. It's a really good meal. She still makes it now when I ask her. That's nice. So I was thinking, is it tuna pasta? Then I landed on what it was for a stag do. Have you guys ever been to man versus food in Heathrow? No. Hold on. What is a man versus food? So like, like the program? Like, is it official? Is it official? I don't know if it's official, but they've got that. I'm probably going to get them closed down now soon. But this restaurant, it's literally called man versus food. And they have like all these different dishes in there. No, no, it's like about 10, 15 minutes from the airport. Oh, okay.

Oh, okay. You know, you know that when you say Heathrow, we think of the airport. I'll tell you what, you know where you guys have ever been to Skye, you know, like the huge, like it's like a little city in there where they record all their programs and stuff. Yes. Yeah. You know, it's opposite that test code. It's literally right there. Right. Okay. Okay. So in there, we went for a stag do that. Everyone had to try a different challenge. So a couple of boys tried this thing. I think it was called fire in the hole. So there's, so that it's like all, there's loads of challenges in there. All food challenges. All food challenges. So there's like a three foot hot dog. There's like, it's crazy to have you have time limits. And their biggest

challenge is called the gut buster. And it's a, it's a burger that weighs, I think it's just over half a stone. So people normally order it as a birthday cake. So it comes out and I don't mean like a normal birthday cake. It suits you like this. And it's, it's like really tall as well. And it's got, it's stupid. It's got like three packs of cheese in it. They have to use two bottles of ketchup. It is insane. And we all, we all try. So the burger costs, I think it's like 60 quid. And if you finish it, they give you 250 pounds and your whole table eats for free. But obviously I think five of us bought the burger and none of them. One each. One each. Not one of us, not one of us got close to finishing it. Of course you didn't. There's three packs of

cheese in it. Yeah. Not one of us got close. I have like, I think I've got about a third. The closest person was one of our friends called Mitch. And he's, I think he's five, he's five foot four. And he, the burger's as big as him and he pretty much ate the entire thing. It was insane. Hold on, so how close did Mitch get? Mitch get? I want to talk about like, there was probably a normal size burger left. What's he playing at? You get 250 quid in the whole meal. Come on, Mitch. Everyone has spent 60 quid on a burger. Mitch can't just force down. I know, I know. He could, he couldn't, he couldn't finish it. But that's what, that's what I want because the burger itself, you know, if you think, if you think you've got to cook a patty that big, it's going to be like,

not very cooked nicely on the inside, on the outside. I don't know how they do it, but it is cooked. So good. Imagine a giant five-guys burger. Yeah. I love, does anyone hear like five-guys? I like five-guys. This is a constant debate between me and Ed. Okay. Who are you repping? Well, I, I sort of, Shake Shack, I enjoyed more when I had it. Shake Shack's good, but I've never had it in England. I only had it in. Me, me too. So I'm thinking of, I'm thinking of eating it in the States and eating five-guys in the States. And I've had five guys here and I think it's fine. And I think the chips are nice. Okay. But all about the toppings. I've had this to you a million times. Five guys is

about choosing the right toppings. Which one do you like? Combination of toppings. This is amazing. A burger shouldn't be about the toppings. It should be about the burger. Ah, here we go. The eternal debate. Yeah. It should be about the, the quality of the patty, James. The patty is great. If you're choosing, if you're going, I'll stick six different toppings on there. All you're doing is masking a bad patty. No, no, no, no, not at all. Even though we're talking about, it's complimenting the patty. All compliments each other. And then like, look, I've been in Shake Shack and got their burgers and they're all right. I think their patties are too thin, personally. He has got a point in it now. I don't mind lots of thin

patties. There's places that do like smashed patties that you can, lots of thin patties, in and out the best. I told you that. Oh, see, I was so disappointed with In-N-Out burger. Yeah. Because it was good, but I was like, this is just a burger. Like everyone spoke about it, like if you go LA and you don't get it in and out, something wrong with you, you're missing out. It's got cult status, but I prefer a thicker patty anyway. I'd prefer to go to something like Honest Burger or Patty and Bun or something like that. No, absolutely not. I knew that way. Honest Burger, five and all that stuff. I was like, that's fine. I'm not into it as much. I thought, I think for a while I was like, okay, but I think they're too filling. And then not as like when Jordan described

that flavor of that burger then. Yeah, like you say, I imagine like five guys and stuff like that. What? That one's not too filling. Jordan's burger. The 60 quid birthday cake size burger's not too filling. Is it? Mashed it all right. I'm mixing it in too bad. Mashed it in fine. Mashed it in good, mixed it in good. But what I don't like about In-N-Out is the whole animal style thing. Is that what's called? Yeah, animal style. You've got to go in and you've got to ask for animal style. And it's not on the menu. What's animal style? Animal style is like the only way that makes it taste good. So you probably, so it's basically you had just a normal burger when you went and it wasn't that great because they're not that great. And everyone's like, no, well,

you've got to ask for animal style. It's not on the menu. You've got to go and just ask for animal style and then they put this sauce on it and then it tastes good. He's like, why don't you put that on the actual menu? Normally, you love secret menu stuff. Yeah, but it's because someone else has told you about it. That's why you don't like it. I love secret menu stuff if like the other stuff is good on the menu anyway. All the menu is good and then it's a secret stuff. Not if it's just like, oh, the actual only good dish we do is a secret and then you've got to go in in this secret little club. Anyway, sorry, Jordan. Sorry about the burger. The burger is really good. It's got like, it's got the right level of grease to it. Does that make sense? You know when you

get burger like, and it's even really dry, it's just too greasy. Like you feel like you're, you're slowly dying while you're eating it. But this one, it's got the right level of grease and it's just been nice to feel fulfilled, you know, actually finish it because I was so upset that I never finished it. And as we was all ordering the burgers, the weight, you know, it's normally sometimes you get nice weighters and they're like, are you sure you want all that? It's a little bit condescending, but they're kind of looking out for you. Yeah, yeah, they know what they're talking about. This guy was like, no, no, do it, do it, do it. Are you learning commission per gut buster? Because he sold five to one table. And then the rest of the boys done,

it's called a fire in the hole challenge. And these wings are meant to be the spiciest wings in the world. And before you eat them, you have to sign a waiver. You have to sign a way before them. And like, they wait, if when you order them, when the dish is ready, they play like a siren in the thing and all the lights start flashing. And someone comes out from the back of it. So they obviously gone round the whole front of the building, they come through the front door, they've got a gas mask on. And they've got like a little word, they're not, they're in breaking bed. And they kind of just go, wow. And they put like a little case and open, it's got these chicken wings. And then you have to eat the wings. And no one, one of the boys managed half a wing

and then threw up and ran outside and started crying. And other one of the boys managed, I think it was, I think he, I think he'd done all five wings. No, they said, if you post on social media, we'll say that you won the challenge, even if you only do three. So you only did three wings. And then he went to the hospital that night, because he threw up and he said it burns his throat so he went to hospital. But yeah, it's pretty savage. Did Mitch just go around finishing them all off? Yeah. Thank you very much. At what point Germany in the gut buster did you dump your girlfriend? Mitch said he kissed me on the way home. Mitch is a real challenge. I can't pass up this opportunity. I don't want to be ever faithful to you. You're dumb. I'm kissing Mitch.

Oh, at this point, I was actually single. So I was, she was safe. She was safe. Yeah, you could smooch away. Absolutely fine. How much is a limo to Heathrow? Well, that's a great, that's a great main. Yeah, but we haven't had an eating challenge before. Yeah. And again, you've used the fact that you can't get full so you can finish the gut buster. Yeah, I mean, it's sort of a loophole, but I like the fact that I can do it. I like someone find a loophole. You should have come here in a suit today. A side dish. Side dish. This one was pretty easy. It's pretty rubbish. It's pretty simple. I just love it. I love McDonald's hash browns in the syrup. Have you ever had that? I've never had it in

syrup. So like, so you order the pancakes and sausage and they're like, do you want it as a meal? And you're like, yep. So they give you a drink and a hash brown. And we say they give you a little pot of syrup. And obviously you meant to use it for the pancakes. But one day I was like, I'm going to try it in here. And I dipped it in and it was, it's like salty, but like sweet and crunchy. And then you get the little potato we have to taste, which is like a cuddle. It's just a, this is very interesting, Jordan. Look who's just invented caramelised hash browns. We've got another inventor. Enjoying the club? I'm going to teach you to the other inventors. I've invented backsplash. It's very interesting because, so you start this podcast saying you

don't need to do sauces because you don't want to over complicate things. You've never even had salsa in your life with, with nachos, which is like some regular things. However, you have over complicated. I mean, you've got completely outside the box and did hash browns with pancake syrup? Well, is syrup a sauce? It feels like it is. It's a good question. That's the eternal question, isn't it? Is syrup a sauce? You wouldn't have any extra sauce if you use syrup, right? So it provides moisture. So it's the same function, right? Yeah. It's a condiment. Yeah. Right? I think I'd call it, I'd say syrup is a sauce or is in place of sauce. In place, yeah. This is very interesting. Yeah. You've never even tried salsa.

No, I genuinely haven't. It's almost more of a sauce than salsa. Yeah. Yeah. Salsa's quite thick, really, isn't it? Oh, if you had a jug of each and on top of a hill and you pour them at the same time, what's getting to the bottom first? Oh, good question. Yes, but I think it's probably the syrup. Yeah, syrup's going in the way of it. Depends if it's raining. If it's raining in the salsa. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Syrup won't be washed down by rain. Maybe that's true. Is it raining or not, Benito? He's not getting involved. Yeah, he's not, he's out. The salsa is going to just flop out that jug. Yeah. Splat. The splat on there.

Well, that syrup's trickling down. All the ants are going crazy. So I'd say, yeah, it's more of a sauce. Yeah, it's more of a sauce. True. Okay, but. And with that, you're an innovator. Caramelized hash browns. But when you do it, what you need to do is get a couple of hash browns, pour the syrup on it and let it soak. Obviously, you really let it soak. Because this again was accidental. We all did it like a, we got Uber Eats, we got a huge bunch of McDonald's breakfast. And no one, everyone orders meals, but no one really wants their hash browns. So I literally made a few, and I didn't make a few, I poured the sauce over and left them while I was eating my sausage and

egg. And when you let it soak, it literally becomes like a weird little potato-y cake. It's just so good. You got to try it. Obviously, you had a bunch of hash browns together. And poured all the syrup on it. Soaked it up. You just got sweet hash browns. I feel like I'm going to actually have this. Yeah. It's good, man. It's real good. You know, I've, I've got a lot of heat from my McDonald's order in the past via this podcast. People don't like my McDonald's order. Yeah, it's terrible. It's terrible order. I heard it on this podcast, but he's got to be joking. He's got to be part of his show. It's not a good order, man. It's not a good order. It's a bag of carrots. It's a dry carrot. Yeah, I'm going to, now I'm going to chuck in.

Yeah. Order the same McDonald's order, but I'll also have. Dip the carrots in syrup. Fish out of some cinnamon for the whole thing. That's an, that's an inspired side. It's a good side. It's a very good side. So again, I was always, you know, you think you've got to have chips, right? And then the thing that led me on to, I was like, what are the best chips I've ever had? And really salty McDonald's chips in a milkshake. You ever had that? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's kind of what made me go, oh, and then I was thinking, what other concoctures have I had mainly at McDonald's? Hash browns and syrup. Hash browns and syrup. Game changer. I do love hash browns. Like a hotel breakfast. If it's going around and helping yourself, I really load up on the hash browns.

What else is on the, sorry to take you back to the gut buster? So what are the toppings on the gut buster? So it wasn't about the toppings, Ed. Yeah, but we're, we are doing an interview here, James. You know, I want to hear about the gut buster. Yeah, okay. Well, you can swap, you can kind of customize it a little bit because the challenge, it has to, obviously to make it fair, it has to be a certain amount for everyone. So if you just get the standard one, there's not the three packs of cheese, two bottles of ketchup. I think I'm pretty much, I'm pretty sure there's like a whole lettuce in there, you know, diced up. Unchopped. It's ridiculous. Just a lump in the middle. You get, you have all the good burgers, you've got to deal with a whole lettuce. That's the

challenge. There's like, obviously onions, but again, if I order a cheeseburger, I'm not sure, I'm probably going to fly at me about this, I only get cheese and sometimes ketchup, depending on where it comes from. Like I'm very, if a cheeseburger, it's literally just cheese, meat and bread. That's it for me. So I asked for that then, I was like, you've got to have at least one sauce. Oh, sorry. Yeah, because it's the two bottles of ketchup and there's a bottle of mayo at the bottom as well. So when I asked, when I said I don't want any mayo, I probably ended up being three bottles of ketchup and they put loads of extra, even more cheese on it because I didn't want any of the other toppings. And that's probably why I couldn't get through it, you know, because

the issue is you've got 40 minutes to do it. Yeah, that's why. Can you imagine after like 35 minutes, this burger is now cold, the cheese is congealed and it's still the size of two average men's heads. I just don't know how you have the willpower to keep going when it doesn't even taste good anymore at this point. I love that you asked it for it without the mayo and they were like, then it's not going to bust his gut. I'm going to have to top it up with cheese. Put it down in two donks and there's another mayo in there. I look like idiots. Your drinks, sir. Drink. Your boozer? I don't drink at all. I don't drink. Have you ever drunk? I have, but it was sort of when I first turned 18 and when I turned eight, we was on tour at the

time and it was kind of like, because now I can go out and have a drink, I'm like, I'm going to go out and I went out and I think I've probably been out in my entire life five or six times. And every time I've ever drunk, it's like some people, like they can get to a place that are like, they're just happy and everything's cool. And sometimes it could be like quite drunk, but you'll wake up and you still know what's happened. I've either been sat there, stone cold sober, had a drink and just felt nothing, or I've woke up wondering if I've still got all my organs. It's that sort of, I have no idea what's happened. I'm a bit like, so again, for me, when I did like having a couple of drinks, the only reason I ever did was to try and get that drunk feeling,

like I don't enjoy the taste of alcohol. So because of that, I was like, what's the point in drinking it? Yeah, sure. So yeah, I'm not a boozer. But drink wise, I had, when I was listening to the podcast a couple of times, I thought, oh, what would I have? And my nan, when I was younger, used to make me a cup of tea. And it was such, it's the best cup of tea ever. She was so good at making teas. And now I've realized that I always say to her, yeah, I have milk and two sugars, please. And I was complaining, God, their tea's just not as good. And I've realized that my nan was probably just poisoning me with sugar because it was way more. But that is obviously, so you've seen him with you guys now that I've realized the issue is, it's just so much more

than two sugars that she used to put in. So that tea's a good option. But I feel like... You'd be the first person to pick a cup of tea. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. People get it. I'm just not sure it goes with my gut buster. Let's be honest, Jordan, nothing goes with the gut buster. Do you have a swimming pool for the milkshake? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, no, I know it. I've got it. Sorry. Blight bulb moment. Best, best drink I've had. And I think it was because I was wearing one of my, one of my best friends got married, who was in Mexico a couple of years ago. And everyone was drinking and stuff. I was like, oh, I don't really drink. And I was like, it's not alcoholic. Try

this. I was like, are you sure? I was like, yes, I'll try it. And it was a virgin strawberry daiquiri. Oh, gosh, that was so good. I think it's because it was in Mexico. It was on the beach. I was like, if you're going to have a daiquiri, this is hell. And it was brilliant. So... I don't think I've ever had a daiquiri. I don't know what it is really. I have had a daiquiri, but it was in Tenerife after I'd done a gig. And I'd gone out and got really blasted. I just remember it right at the end of the night. And they had just those massive sugar crystals on the rim of the glass, which I do not like. We kind of like, you try to get to the drink and there's these crystals in the way. And you just end up with big lumps.

It's like when they put glass on a wall to stop a burglar getting in. Yeah, it's like that on the top. Yeah. And then it was just very, that one was just very sickly. And then I was sick in a... I remember being sick in a bush. And then immediately, undoing all the buttons on my shirt. Of course. Why wouldn't you? And then just walking back to my hotel room. Also... That's like a classic image of a pissed tourist. You could have been on a show on Bravo. Yeah, when in Rome. I thought I'm here in Tenerife. The British have ruined this island. I know as well. Just walk around, proud like the rest of them. Go get a Red Devils tattoo.

So I can't remember what's in the daiquiri. Me neither, to be honest. I don't know what's in it. I just knew after that I just kept ordering them. And then I was realizing I was like the sugar content in this must be insane. But it just tasted like so good. It was like fizzy slush with a ribena being... That makes sense. Imagine that. It was just really... So it's like fresh strawberries, like whizzed up, do you think? And that's where it wasn't. Because I've had a daiquiri since and it was made with fresh fruit. And when I tried it, I was like, this doesn't taste like... It doesn't taste like Mexico. That's how Mexico tastes, guys. So you want the artificial one?

I want the artificial one, specifically from Mexico. Specifically from Mexico. And it was really nice, really refreshing. And weirdly enough, I didn't get a brain freeze. I knocked it back really quick. No brain freeze. Over and over again. Over and over again. Zero brain freeze there. We've got to look up... Binito, can you look up what's in a daiquiri? Or a virgin daiquiri? I wonder what alcohol's in a daiquiri as well, because everyone else really loved them and they were... Maybe tequila or something.

I ordered a virgin mojito. I'm a hacker. I like the virgin mojitos there. And once I made the mistake of ordering it in front of Nish Kumar, who then just called me virgin mojito for the rest of my life. That's a good name. He's always called me virgin mojito all the time. So, ingredients in a daiquiri. Well, 500 grams of strawberries. Hulled, but that's not... I didn't know that... That was what it was called. Hulled. Hulled. Is that when you dig all the middle bit out, I guess?

It must be, I guess. But yeah, you hull it. 200 grams of ice. Rum. 100 millilitres of rum. Half a juice lime. And that's it. And then it says, when the straw be halved, slice of limes, cocktail sticks, but that's a little garnish there. So, that's... So, you probably had straw... So, fake straw be syrup. Ice and lime juice. Jordan, I'm starting to realise what you had there was a cold Robinson's.

Robinson's slushie. Yeah, of course. Like, Robinson's. They really fancily named it. When you said it was like an artificial slush puppy, I think you were correct. There we go. Back on the money. So, the daiquiri from the wedding. It's like a virgin daiquiri from the wedding is what you were like. I think that calling them... Like, calling mocktails virgin stuff,

it doesn't do anyone any favours. No, no, it doesn't. Mocktails is so much better. You don't want to order it. No. You make you say, I'll have a virgin something, please. Yeah. I always say, I'll have a virgin mejito and please tell the chef I've had sex.

Please don't stall, the bar staff know I've had sexual intercourse. What I do? There we go. They don't let you in a lot of bars anymore, do they? No, but, you know, they all know... I never order it because I'm a legend. Yeah, yeah. I had one because I'm not a little loser.

I order cocktails, but I change the first bit to fucking. Can I have a fucking daiquiri, please? Because I'm always fucking. Then you join me on the curb? Yeah. Okay. Oh, hello, Adam, you're also inappropriate. We come to the dessert.

Dessert? Um, I mean, so you've gone quite, apart from your drink, quite chainy so far. Yeah. I've seen chain restaurant, not Dick Cheney. Yeah. Although he did have many. Yeah, to be fair, I don't imagine he was partial to a gut buster. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He finished it every single time. So your dessert, Jordan? Dessert is made by my own hands. Oh, boy. It's an accidental dessert, but it's a good dessert. This dessert is the best dessert in the world because it's fueled with adrenaline, some guilt, and a little bit of shame. And it makes a beautiful little cocktail of a lovely dessert.

Join in your daiquiri. I'm honestly scared of what this is. Guilt, shame, and adrenaline. Here we go. Here we go. So, you know, you used to do like food tech in school. Yeah. So we all got, the recipe we've got, I'm pretty sure,

not in the situation of some rock cakes. So as far as I'm concerned, I've never had a rock cake since, but as far as I'm concerned, they're like little hard cakes. They're not very big, but they're not flat all day. They're like little... No, not flat. Right. So I completely messed up all the ingredients that I bought,

like my self-raised flour, and all the... Everything else that I put into it was just wrong, in the quantities that I did it. So she'd give us something about followed a recipe, and I'd be like, yeah, or it'd be much better to pour the whole bag of sugar in because then it tastes sweeter. Like that's in my head, it wouldn't make any other difference if I wouldn't make it sweeter.

So we was making these just before lunch, and I've poured literally a whole bag of sugar in, obviously the wrong type of flour, probably too much. Whatever I did, I put all the wrong stuff in. And then so I've basically got like this big bottle of like dough, and I've made it... I've made little things on the, little dollops on the tray, put it in the oven, and it basically just melted.

So it just became like this one long, flat, giant pancake in the oven, and I just filled the tray, and everyone else has got these little rock cakes, and I was thinking, I'm going to eat this at lunch. I said to my teacher, I was like, Miss, is it okay if I come back at lunch, my dad's dropped, I forgot to bring a Tupperware box, my dad's dropping a Tupperware box in,

I want to go get it and then come back. She said, yep, I'll leave it to her, I'll leave the room unlocked, because she has to lock herself with knives and stuff in it, right? Now, Jordan, this is before you go on, was that true about your dad bringing the Tupperware box in, or did you make it up because you wanted to eat the mixture so much? I made it up because of my dad. But yeah, she made up a whole thing about your dad because of the Tupperware box.

I had the Tupperware box, which is the best part. She said, yeah, everyone left, Bear went, we all left, I then came back to the room, and this is the reason why I lied, because obviously everyone else just took their rock cakes out with them. I went, I picked up my crispy pancake, and now because I put it in late as well, imagine the top layer is crispy underneath, he's basically raw sugary hot dog.

Yeah. So basically there's no rock cake to it, I didn't put any raisins or anything in it, just hot sugary dough, and then I'm like, God, this is the worst part, and this is why, this is where the guilt of the adrenaline comes in. I went, I went to a freezer because, you know, they keep spare ingredients, and in there, it's the first one I've ever had it, she had,

is it cart door, cart of the old ice cream? Yeah, cart door, cart door, yeah. Cart door ice cream, vanilla, soft scoop, and I stole her ice cream, and I sat in that room, and I ate my raw dough, and that ice cream, and it was like hot sugary dough, and that ice cream together was just, so I didn't eat the whole tub, but you know,

it was, I was kind of hoping, oh, hopefully it's been half-eaten, but hopefully it's still got that plastic like sleeve on it, and I was like, I'm going to have to break the seal. I ate about half a tub of her ice cream, and some of my rock cakes, I literally remember sitting there, and I was looking, literally looking at the door, like, please, no one come in while I'm eating, eating this ice cream, but the cakes,

the dough and that ice cream together was just, oh, God, I'm sorry. I don't sound good at this. Have you made that sense? Never, never, I don't know what I poured in it. I lost her recipe sheet, which doesn't matter, it's irrelevant, so I didn't follow it anyway. It was good to see the things that I did ignore,

I probably would have helped, never made it since. I literally, I can't cook or bake or anything to save my life at all, I'm so terrible. But yeah, that's the dessert there, homemade raw rock cake dough and stolen ice cream. Nice and rock, nice and rock cake. There you go, I think Leeds once on tour, and me and my tour manager were like,

we really want a fro-yo. I think we just had a Nando, so that was like, gotta get a fro-yo. And we were walking around, just, just walking around Leeds was trying to find a place, and eventually found this stand, and it looked like a fro-yo stand. Right.

And we looked at the menu, and it read like a fro-yo menu, but like, there was only like two flavours, and one was like, chocolate chip, and one was something else. But I was like, I'll have a chocolate chip one. And then it was not a fro-yo stand, it was just a cookie dough stand. Whoa.

So what they gave us was just a tray of cookie dough, like warm chocolate chip cookie dough, and they put some soft serve ice cream on it. Oh man. So we were kind of looking for like a guilt-free pudding. Yeah. And what we got was the guiltiest and walking about eating it.

But imagine that, if you'd lied to your teacher on top of that, and then stole it. You're a very big world. Yeah, exactly. And the liar. The guilt that I had anyway, that could be like, well, I'm talking about my faith in the liar. What a petty mech.

I can't believe, when I thought about that dessert, the best part is that I've literally never ever told anyone that story. Yeah. Never told anyone. And I've just started to unleash it on the podcast. I'm really going to get a bill through my letterbox. Yeah. That's a four pelseven, you know what?

That's someone's Sawyer. In food tech, we had to make pizzas one week. And we could do any topping we wanted. Guess what I made. Right. Any topping you wanted. You were allowed to do any topping you wanted. Did you do a sweet one?

Yes. Yes. There you go. Chocolate spread. Yeah. So chocolate spread first. Marshmallows. Marshmallows, yeah.

Oh, this is good. I mean, this is pretty much it. Chocolate spread, marshmallows, and then one more little thing on the top. Create any cream? No cream. No. You'll reach for results afterwards?

No. Maltesers. No. Imagine, yeah. Imagine the first bites with the eyes got a look. Like jelly tots. Like red jelly tots. No.

Let me have one in the oven. Actually, it all did. To be fair. I wasn't imagining you putting it in the oven. I thought you'd like bake the dough and then put the stuff on top. I did the dough. And then chocolate spread, marshmallows, and sprinkles. Yeah.

Took it home. I ate it while my mum. I remember mum sitting there just saying, that is disgraceful. Very proud of that. They said I could make whatever I wanted, mum. But that's not a piece. Like you're meant to be learning how to cook

so that in your adult life you can cook for yourself. You're never going to make yourself that again. It's like, no, but I'm never going to be. Well, that's backfired. You make it every week. Yeah, about that. I live on that. But like, yeah.

So I made that in plain sight. I mean, you did yours, you know, in secret. I made it in front of everyone in the class. I should have just been braver, is what you're saying. Because that sounds like a really good memory you've got there. Just to do my way. I should have just been braver. You wasn't a good memory.

I think you're one sneaking around in this film. Yeah. What a rush. It was a rush. A sugar rush and a guilt rush. How long did you think about it for afterwards? Not that long, actually. Because when I was younger as well, I was a very chubby little boy.

Like I was very, very chubby when I was young. You know, I'm beginning to see why. Yeah, exactly. There you go, guys. Trying to get to the bottom of this mystery for a start when I was younger. So I used to, I think that day I went home. I think my mom literally asked me,

where's the rock cakes? Because she helped me buy all the ingredients. And I was like, well, this is awkward. Just an empty Tupperware box that my dad didn't drop in at lunch with me. But yeah, she said to me, she was like, oh, you know, where are the rock cakes? And I was like, oh, wait a minute. Of course, you didn't save any.

I was like, no. And I was like, I think I might have lied and said I dropped some or something like that. And then I had dessert with dinner as well. So it's just, I was very, very sneaky, chubby, very clever, very smart. Yeah. I'll read your order back to you, Jordan.

Appreciate it. So you would like some still water, which you've recently got into. He's offering it. You'd like some garlic bread with mozzarella, caramelised onions from Prezai. Yes, please. Your starter, you would like barbecue chicken wontons

from Planet Hollywood. Yep. Your main, you would like the gut buster burger from Man vs Food in Heathrow, not the airport. Yep. Your side is a McDonald's hash browns with syrup. Yep. Your drink, you would like a virgin strawberry daiquiri

from the Mexican wedding. Yes, please. And your dessert, you would like hot sugary rock cake dough with cart d'or ice cream, sneakly eaten. And stolen. And stolen. I don't forget to stolen ice cream.

Stolen cart d'or ice cream, apologies. Eaten in a school. Eaten in a school. But you are a child when you're eating it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You don't, yeah. And then like you in my afterwards.

Yeah. Yeah. And also. Can you do that as a genie? Can you make all those things up? Yeah, I can make all this stuff happen. And I assume you still want to involve your dad in the lie. Yes, please.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Welcome into the story. Great. Well, thank you so much for coming, Jordan. Thank you so much. That was the 28,000 calorie menu of Jordan Banjo. Whoa.

He wasn't messing around. He wasn't. He really took that piece of information to heart that he couldn't get full. Yeah, yeah. And then he obviously thought it's not going to put it any way. It's not going to be unhealthy. Yeah.

He just, he's proper gone for it there. Yeah, I respect that. This is my chance. This is my chance. You know what he's reminded me of? You know when you're watching one of those shows where they show an unhealthy person all the food they ate in a week on a table?

That's what that reminded me of. Yeah, exactly like that. It's like so many strawberry daiquiris that does sugar. Yeah. But he didn't mention lavender, James. He didn't mention lavender. So congratulations, Jordan. You get to eat that whole meal and not be full.

I also liked his honourable munchens there. With his mum's tuna pasta bake. And his nan's sweet tea. His nan's sweet tea. I think I knew he wasn't going to mention lavender as soon as his starter was chicken wontons from Planet Hollywood. Yeah. I thought lavender's probably not going to get a look in here.

A real swerve amount nowhere in food tech. He made some lavender rock cakes. But cracking menu. Thank you very much for coming on, Jordan. James, what are you up to? Anything you want to plug, my friend? I'm touring. A hypothetical is on TV, I think still.

On Dave. It'll always be on Dave forever when it's on Dave. Yeah. So that'll be there. I feel like there is other stuff that I'm doing, but I can't really remember it now. Okay. Good plug, man.

I'm on tour, I guess, depending on when this goes out. But if you go on my website at gamble.co.uk forward slash gigs, you can check that out. Check out my Twitter at A Gamble Comedy. James is on Twitter as well. The podcast is on Twitter. Oh, it's all on Twitter. At Off Menu Official.

Yes, and that's on Instagram as well. Please subscribe to the podcast, review the podcast with the lovely five stars, check out the Soche Meads. That's what the kids say, James. Meadsy bass. The Soche Meadsy bass. Keep listening, tell your friends.

But for now, mop up the stains around your mat. I was trying to do like a culinary thing of like... Oh, like... Oh, you may get down from the table. That's nice. That's good, isn't it? Yeah. See you later.

Goodbye. Hello, it's me, Amy Gledhill. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato, and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith.

I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case... Get him on, James and Ed, but we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North,

because look, we're two Northerners, sure, but we've been living in London for a long time. The news stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off, and that's a new podcast called Northern News we'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on.

Get Gledhill's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.