Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 37: Tom Allen

Episode Date: October 30, 2019

The always dapper Tom Allen – incredible comedian and host of 'Bake Off: The Professionals' and 'The Apprentice: You're Fired' – is this week's dinner guest. And boy oh boy does he have some shocking tales to tell. Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive Productions.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Tom Allen on Twitter @tomallencomedy and Instagram @tomindeed.Watch Tom on 'The Apprentice: You're Fired', Wednesdays, 10pm, BBC Two. Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Ed Gamble is on tour, including a date at the Shepherd's Bush Empire. See his website for full details.James Acaster is on tour. See his website for full details.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy, now. Please? On the menu, I don't think so. It's off menu. Oh, very nice, Ed. Ed Gamble there. My name is James A. Caster. This is the Off Menu podcast. It's very exciting. This is where we have a very special guest on and we get them to say their dream meal to us. Their favourite ever. Start a main course dessert side and drink. Yes, but not necessarily in that order. Imagine the order you might have it in a meal, say. That's the order that we do it. Well, we leave the drink pretty late. We do leave the drink really late, don't we? Pretty thirsty.

This week's guest is the wonderful Tom Allen. Oh, the wonderful Tom Allen. What a guy. Tom Allen, stand-up comedian. But you may know him as a presenter, a funny presenter on things like the Bake Off Extra Slice or Bake Off Professionals. Yeah, very excited. And he's like one of the main ones on that. I guess if I had his job, I'd just be hanging around for food. I'd forget all my lines. I'd be so busy looking at all the pastries, wanting to eat all the food. They wouldn't give you any lines, man. They'd just let you off improvise and eat the food. Let him do what he wants to do. Yeah, there's no point trying to give him lines. He'll try and eat the script. That is true. But hey, here's a line for you. There

is a secret ingredient. And if Tom Allen chooses it, he's getting kicked out of the restaurant. And this week it is liver. Right. I know you want to make it liver. And that's fine. We can make it liver. We don't have to. I hate it. We don't have to agree that we, we both hate things. I love liver. Oh, he's a liver lover. I'm a liver lover. He's a liver lover. I'm a liver hater. But my friends. That's a good sitcom. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a liver lover as I live and breathe. I love it. Oh, man, I do not love it at all. Lambs liver, chicken livers. No. Get in my mouth. Chicken livers. Absolutely. Chicken liver in a bolognese sauce. You've never tasted such depth of flavor. Okay. Well, maybe if you do chicken, I've never

had that before. Yeah. Maybe chicken liver in a bolognese sauce. It would just make it more thick. Yeah. It thickens it up. It gives it depth of flavor. It gives it a more irony taste. Yeah. Well, I'll be open to that. But I'm thinking about the liver that I've had in my life, and it's all been disgusting. I don't like the texture of it. You're thinking of overcooked lambs liver cooked till it's gray. Yeah. Right. If Tom, should we specify that? If Tom picks lambs liver cooked till it's gray, he's out of the restaurant. Yeah. And I, Joe, I'm not going to know if so, but maybe he's out of this restaurant. If he cooks overcooked lambs liver till it's gray. Yeah. I mean, I suspect that he won't. But let's

hear if he goes for any liver. But apart from that, I'm very excited to hear the menu of Tom Allen. Tom, welcome to the dream restaurant. Tom Allen. Thank you. Oh, how kind. Welcome, I'm a chef. It's making it appearing out of my lamp, Tom. Oh, I assume that was some sort of firework pyrotechnic thing you'd put on for me. It was for you as well. Yeah. As I walked into the restaurant. Yeah, it was for you. It was for you. But like also, I'm a genie. In a bottle?

Oh, in a lamp, actually. Oh, quite a traditional genie. Now you said genie in a bottle, you think that's probably more food and drink, isn't it? Oh, well, I didn't think of it like that. But also, a lamp can be delicious. Yeah. Or lighting your food. Oh, yeah. Pour some oil on your food and light it. Yes. And also on salads. Oh, yeah. If you could have a different sorts of oil. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Different sorts of oil. The genie law has changed quite a lot. I mean, he could be in a bottle today because previously you have been in a gravy boat as well, if you remember. Yeah. Yeah, I do. Of course I remember. Yeah. You've always been jumping out of receptacles. Yeah, yeah, always just jumped out of a receptacle. Yeah.

You name it. I've jumped out of it. What are your thoughts on the word restaurant? Would you say restaurant? Or I've taken to saying restaurant, which I agree. You do say restaurant in quite a fancy way, James. Restaurant. Restaurant. Maybe I do. Actually, I've never thought about how I say it, but then someone did a tweet the other day about how I say it. And I don't know. Imagine if someone said... I might be thinking it now. Imagine if someone said instead of menu, Mina. Mina. Can I see the Mina, please? You'd still understand what they meant, though, if within context, if someone said, could I see the Mina, please? You'd be like, okay. If you said that, Ed, I would be... Yeah.

I would be very much appalled. You'd pick me up on it, wouldn't you? Of course. The Mina? That would be the main reason I'd taken you out to dinner. Right, we just... Guys, what are we going to do about it? Ed says Mina is the menu, right? Someone's going to have to take him out to dinner and bring it up in context. Listen, we'd be meaning to talk to you about this. They'd take him somewhere where you know the waiting staff are quite rude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not going to put up with it. What? I had an experience where I went to Coat Brassory, which is actually one of my

favorite of the High Street Chains. And I was going there on a date and we hadn't booked and I went in there with this guy and the head waiter said, sorry, lads, we haven't got a new room. And I still now, to this day, I'm furious about the fact that he referred to me as one half of lads. I think I may have actually at the time said, I'm not a lad. But thank you very much. This is Coat Brassory. If I come to Coat Brassory for one thing, put a French accent on for crying out loud. Lads do not go to Coat Brassory. Lads are going to Coat Brassory.

I was so insulted by it. I hadn't thought about it for a long time. And suddenly I'm appalled. I'm appalled again. It was maybe four years ago. I mean, and you do like, I know that you're partial to chains. I know you're the biggest Cully Cho's fan that I know. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I love it up the notch. And to me, the hallmark of a successful urban regeneration program is the opening of a luch in some sort of pedestrianised town square. Even if it is one fabricated internally out of a shopping centre.

So you love a luch? You love a coat? Yeah, love it. Any, what's what? Fur? Oh, fur. Love fur. Love fur. And well, of course you pronounced it correctly. Of course, of course. I did my research before I went there.

That's one of, I think that's one of my main annoying ticks that when people say foe and I say, and I say, it's pronounced fur. And then they look at me like they annoyed, they came out for a meal with me. Especially when you then say, can I see the meaner? It's pronounced fur and it's the best thing on this meaner. I never like to directly correct people, but I'm one of the annoying people who like, they go, oh, I love foes. Like, oh, yeah, it's a really good fuck place down there.

I'm that person. Bats of aggressive. Much worse. And they're like, we both know what's happened here. I don't know if I'm in tune with a lot of you on listeners when I say this, but I'm delighted at the expansion of the Ivy Brassery. Their national network at the moment. I'm really enjoying that. Yeah. Have they maintained quality across the branches?

I would say I've had very good experiences. I've largely sat at the bar, which has allowed me to develop a rapport, which I say in the same way I'd say restaurant. Yeah. I'm not pronouncing with tea at the end. And with the staff, sometimes they're quite new. So I can actually train them. Because you know the house style.

Because I know the house style. I know where the branded plate should sit on the setting. And I feel like that's... How many branches of the Ivory Brassery train have you been to? Firstly, you just said Ivory Brassery. The Ivory Brassery. Oh, you did. You were aware of it. I'm sorry. I didn't pick up on your joke.

I would say upwards of five places now. Excellent. Well, there you go. How important is good service to you? I would say on a scale of 1 to 10, it's 11. I hate it when people do that. Would you like still a sparkling water to start? I would actually have sparkling please,

because I fancy myself as a continental European. Have you always fancied yourself as a continental European? Ever since, I can remember. I always liked the idea of some sort of town square living. I've always wanted to do the balcony. People don't know that about me, but I've always wanted that. Maybe some sort of hardwood floor. What do you imagine when you imagine the balcony?

What do you imagine doing? Like, how's it factor into your day? First thing in the morning, I open it and then look out across the square. Yeah. As the warm breeze... Do you shout, like, good morning? Yes. And then some pigeons fly away.

Oh, yes. Maybe a dramatic way. There's shutters as well, flinging open shutters. Are you wearing a sort of long nightgown situation? Yes, but in a sort of loose European way. Yeah, okay, yeah. Not on an uptight rich way. Not Scrooge. Not Scrooge.

On Christmas Day, would you look at the balcony and ask a young boy what day it is? I think that's frowned upon these days. So sparkling water. I've gone for sparkling water, but you know what? Actually, I don't really like it, but I have it. Like a lot of things. Okay. Yeah.

It's important to show. So it's all for show. You want people to think, Tom's got bubbly money. I obviously want people to think that. At all times. And I think going to a restaurant is all about pageantry, isn't it? The moment you walk into the restaurant, you want people to be watching. Everyone's looking at you.

Everyone's looking at you. They're waiting for your water order. They're going to judge me on the water order. So you wouldn't have sparkling at home? No. What sort of spendthrift skylark do you think I am? I can imagine you walking into a restaurant with your jacket over your shoulders. Yes.

Not with your arms through, but just like that. And almost like surveying the restaurant. And just like pushing your jacket off of your shoulders. Onto the floor. Expecting someone to be there. To catch it. To catch it. Yeah, just like looking at it like that.

As the camera just zooms in on you. Oh, there's a camera? Yeah. Do you go to restaurants with a camera? No. Can't imagine Tom in a film. It's a film as well. Oh, okay.

Sorry. This is a film. Okay. But it's with a very method actor who insists that I... Method director who insists that I live the whole experience. Yes, the whole life. He doesn't cast anyone who's not... That's not their life anyway.

Yeah, the audition is. Is this your life? Great. Pop it up his old bed, Tom. Pop it up his old bed. Okay. I'm going to mention him again. And I'm sorry to keep going back to it.

Jamie Oliver once said on one of his stories, one of his programs, that pop-a-doms are often... Stories. Often. I see it all as a wonderful narrative. Pop-a-doms. Sorry.

I completely not noticed it until I had... His marvelous story. The story of... The story of how to live like Jamie Oliver. He said that often pop-a-doms are used to add texture to food. They're not some sort of crisps and dips thing. But this is what he said. I don't know if this is true or not.

But I went with it. I think I have heard it from other sources. I'm telling you. But I like both. But I think I'll go for bread on this occasion. Preferably sourdough. But if it comes in a basket and it's presented to me by somebody asking,

have you been in a Harvester restaurant before? Then I will also enjoy that too. But I'll go for poppy seeds. Harvester, did you say? Harvester restaurant. Are you a Harvester fan? I love the Harvester. Really?

Well, to be honest, I haven't been for probably 20 years. But the memory is so vivid. Nostalgia. Yeah. The first time I had a flame-grilled rack of ribs. I thought I was truly alive. Tom, guess how many steps from my phone door to a Harvester?

It's a difficult one to guess, isn't it? 12. Oh, you're going pretty low, actually. I think you knew that. Yeah. What? I'll get there in, like, a minute. A minute?

Yeah. So five miles an hour. I'll get my talking speed. It's pretty close. I've never been in it. I didn't even know there were Harvesters anymore. Oh, yes. Let alone near you.

Yeah, right near me. You came on there for a day. Yeah, I didn't go to the Harvester. You think I popped in for a prawn cocktail before I came over? They don't do things like that, do they? They do a prawn cocktail. You told me. Well, I always remember it.

You had the salad bar as a starter. Yeah. And then you had a main course of mainly barbecued meat and chips. Salad bar is what I think of. When I think about Harvester, I think of the salad bar. Yeah. Good ones. And that's about it.

I don't know about what else is. There's a Harvester in Kettering. I know that much. And I have been there. But I can't remember what I've had to wait. Oh, I know the Harvester you're talking about, by the way. Do you? I think so, yeah.

I could pass it quite often. Have you been in there? No. I think it's where my dad might have proposed to my mum. It wasn't a Harvester at the time. What? The Harvester in Kettering? No, the one near your house.

Oh, okay. It's fine. That was really exciting for a second there. Yeah. There's no connection to Kettering. Your dad proposed to your mum in a Harvester? No, it was before it became a Harvester out. On the former site where a Harvester now stands.

Yeah. What was it before it was a Harvester? Um, I assume it was a pub in the early on, as things were in those Halcyon days. Yeah. So you want a Harvester bread? No, I just said, if it was there, you didn't specify what sort of restaurant you were in.

But this is a dream restaurant. You can pick whatever you want from wherever in the world you want, the best bread you've ever had in your life. The best bread you've had in your whole life. Okay, I did read the text message. Another bit of skim reading has really not paid off me today. To the listener, I was half an hour, 36 minutes late. Um, so I did not read the text,

even though I responded to the text that clearly said two. I thought, in my mind, I was convinced it was two. You responded with, great, so you were two. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know why I responded as I woke up? I do that because I had a late finish last night, so I slept in.

Yeah. Because I have to get nine hours, and I have to shower for half an hour. Is that... You have to have nine hours sleep. Yeah. And you have to shower for half an hour. I don't have to have that long, but as long as possible.

I can't be rushed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't be rushed. I've liked to be in the shower for a long time. Have a good old think. It's a great thing, yeah. Have a good old think. So, dream restaurant, I walk in.

Do you know what I like? Crispy sourdough bread. Crispy sourdough bread. And a small dish of butter, which now got some salt in the top. Yes. Or I also enjoy the formality of sometimes, again, you mainly find this on continental Europe,

a small silver dome over a dish. That's not a presentation or flair. A little bit of presentation or flair. Would you like the waiter to take off the dome to present the butter? Yes, and to make eye contact with the other waiters as he removes the other domes of butter. They all look at each other as they lift off

the separate domes on different tables. Yes, exactly. It's very dramatic. And then they do some sort of spin. And then they prop themselves up on a trolley that happens to be passing. And they do a sort of high kick with both legs. Love it.

That's all going to happen for you, Tom. And they walk into the kitchen, through the indoor, and then out through the outdoor. There's a lot of swinging of doors. Maybe an angry chef comes out at one point. What's going on in my kitchen? Very minimal experience for the diners. They're just enjoying it all.

Was there somewhere where you had the best sourdough bread you've ever had? I think it was in the Dean Street Townhouse. So they've got amazing sourdough bread at the Dean Street Townhouse. Yeah, they do. To the extent that you might be tempted to go, oh, have you got any more?

But you're a fool if you do that. Yeah. Because you're filling up on bread. Let's move on to your starter, Tom. OK. We're really getting into the big leagues now. I wonder, we've only mentioned a lot of chains. Yeah.

A lot of places that you like. Harvester, Calooch. Calooch. Calooch, thank you. Um, where was this one coming from? OK, so I'm 17 years old. I've taken the day off school because I've told the school I'm going to go and look at university in Exeter.

What I'm actually doing is I'm going to go to the university and what I'm actually doing is I'm truanting with my next door neighbors, Jean and Dennis, and my mum and dad. Hold on. Jean and Dennis? Yes. How old are they? About 90 at the moment.

90? So, when you were 17. Dennis is 90. When you were 17. You were truanting with how old were they at the time? Early 70s. You were truanting with a couple in their elderly 70s. 60s, 70s, yeah.

Jean and Dennis. Jean and Dennis from the store. Yeah. Tom. What I don't see whatsoever. You've got to know what details in the stories need expanded on and aren't as normal as you think. I was truanting with my neighbors, Jean and Dennis.

I do think that's truanting. What is it? Well, going away with some responsible adults. Okay, fine. Yeah. I guess if you would, were they like, you know, do you want to bunk off? Let's bunk off school.

They came around the school gate. Yeah. No, it was arranged with my mom and dad who were coming as well. So they were there as well? Yeah, they were also part of this. So why did you lie to the school? Because I was embarrassed to say, please can I have a day off so I can go out to lunch?

So I said, I'm going to go to Exeter University to have a look around on the open day. Knowing full well, I had no intention of going all that way to university. I didn't even want to go to university by that point. But I was prepared to use it since I never went to university. So the full gang? There's five of us.

Yeah, Jean Dennis, Mum, Dad, Me. The truants? The truants. Absconding, not only from the school, but from the country. From the country? Because we were going to France. We got up very early. We got in the car.

I think my dad may have borrowed a car at this point from his friends. So it was slightly bigger. We went down. We got the early ferry on which we had a croissant, which to me at this point was extremely, one might say impossibly glamorous. Then we arrived in Calais, right? We then went to a supermarché.

What a truant. That's the best truant. At the most times, most people do truant. They go down like a car park and throw rocks at cars and stuff. Hang around smoking with their mates. You guys went to France with Jean and Dennis. You learnt the word supermarché. You did more schoolwork on your truant day

than you would have done at school. I wasn't even doing enough of French. Do you know what I mean? Very, very dedicated. We went to the supermarché. We stocked up on French produce, wines. And then we went for lunch at a restaurant, which I believe still stands called La Chanel, the channel.

Right on the harbour side. Yes. On France. En Calais. A Calais? Don's Le Calais. We were truant in. We truant.

We truant at the restaurant. With Jean and Denis. Do you know what Dennis has only got one in? So he is Denis. He is Denis. Denis. And we went in there, right? Dennis speaks a bit of French

because he went motorbiking around France after the end of the Second World War. Of course. Yes. A little victory lap. A victory lap. On a motorbike. And so he speaks French.

And we went in there. And it was a classically formal French restaurant. Restaurant. Have you ever been to one like that, James? I think you have, because I think your parents went to France. A really formal one. I don't think I have been to a really formal French restaurant.

Ed Gamble, have you been? I feel like, I feel like I have been. They, they're sort of like highback chairs. Yes. Very crisp white linen. A great formality of the service, which is an easy elegance about it. Yeah.

Sit down in the window. I didn't know what to make of it. I was like, I've never been in a restaurant like this before. Yeah. An upholster chair like it. I'd never been in. Yeah.

And then your teacher stormed in. Tom Allen! Get back in your class! I can't believe this! I'm having a ferry here. We followed you. Hide your honey with yourself. And I was dragged back.

No. Denis ordered a gavassamina. Gavassaminae, because it's an Alsace wine. And it's French, not gavassamina. Alsace, of course, very contentious area. If you know, second of all. And... Which Denis did, of course.

Which Denis did. And gavassaminae, delicious wine. And I was ordered the fouet de mer. Have you ever had the fouet de mer? Fruits of the sea, if you will. Fruits of the sea, if you will. Seafood. Seafood.

If you want to be unbearably plebeian. I'm just for our listener, who might not have had fouet de mer before. Fruit de mer. Tom had fouet de mer, with Jean-Andenis, when he was trending from Ecole. Dirt.

Lecole. We... I feel like you did A level French, Ed. No, I didn't. I did French to... Whitley, E level. Which is like, one in between GCSE and A level. So what we had to do at our school was do

GCSE French a year early, and then we got a chance to do like a diploma level French, past GCSE, or take Russian. Ed! And I took E level French. What are you talking about? E level? E level, that's what I made up.

I think it was E level, yeah, yeah. I got my E levels. I did, yeah, GCSE French, and then the year after that when everyone else in our age group was taking GCSE French, we took an extra level of French. You both seem quite angry about this. No, I don't know how I feel about it.

I don't know how I feel. Okay, okay. Well... I didn't do French. I was a tibethy truantan in Belgium. Where they speak Flemish? Yeah, yeah. Very good at Flemish.

Tom, what was on the... Was it like a platter of different seafoods? Yeah, and the best bit for me was the oysters, which I'd never had before, and I'd always fancy myself as somebody who would like oysters. And you know what? I was correct. You know what?

I really loved them. Some people never even feel sick. I love them. I love them. I love them. And I had one with chalot vinegar, I had one with just lemon juice, and I had one with Tabasco,

and I loved all of them equally. And I still think about that moment of having oysters straight in your gob, at least to the sea. And I think because I was so... You know when you try something when you're a small child and you feel sort of proud of yourself, if you like, did you get that?

Yeah. You're sort of fussy eater as a child. I wasn't a fussy eater, but definitely when I would try something new, that like... I think my parents would try and encourage that. Yeah. I'd like, you know,

you'd feel like you're a bit of a grown-up as well. Yes. Yeah. She would like try something new that you wouldn't normally try. I definitely felt proud of myself as a child for not being one of the fussy kids, because you see all your friends who are like,

really fussy and they don't eat that. They don't like that. They only eat this, and I'd be like, that's not me. I eat everything. Yeah. Even to the point I remember being... Like, I think it was at a wedding,

and they were like... When I was probably seven or eight, and they had kids food, they had food for the kids, so they had the full spread for the adults, like, you know, like a poached salmon, I remember was on there, and then they had the kids food,

which was like fish fingers, chicken dippers, oven chips. No way. And I remember my mum had to go and say, can he have the adults food, because he's not going to eat this. He's not going to eat this. Can he have a bit of poached salmon?

Because he is the most precocious eight-year-old you've ever met in your life. I applaud it. And I applaud it. Lauren, Harry, he's walking around. I, um... Yeah, I always felt like I was praised when I tried something new,

and I liked it. And I think even at the age of 17, I still had a bit of that. And it looked like, wow. Yeah. Oysters, what are we talking? Straight down, one bite? One bite.

One bite and down. I think the first one might have been straight down, which is actually not the way you should eat them. No. Well, you're wasting it. Yeah, and I think they're also still alive. Really? Yeah, I think so.

What? I think they're still alive, because they're just out of a shell. They're... They like it. They're... What are they? And now I feel more weird about biting them.

Well... I'd rather just get them straight down and start. What, and then have them live in your tummy forever? Is that what happens, Tom? Yeah. They live in your tummy forever? Forever. Do they cling on?

What happens if you... Are they really alive? I don't know. You hear rumours. What? I'll tell you what I feel bad about if they are alive. Splashing loads of vinegar on their face.

Oh, yes. Tabasco in the eyes. You may as well just spray it with mace and then throw it in the bin. Some people do that. That is a true story. I have a feeling that the day you truanted from school, they were learning the voices are alive or not.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got that bit. The cruel irony of that. So just so you know, kids, they are not alive when you eat them. They're just... I mean, please don't ever go through life with that in your head.

It's very important that we learn this now. It's always my favourite assembly to deliver during the year. Yeah, yeah. To every... Anyway, I'm glad you're all here today. Ba, ba, one. And they'll say, I'm glad you're all here. And then they'll be like, Alan, wake up.

And then at the end, there's like a snoring tape machine. Yeah. Was it just oysters on the plateau? No, no, langoustines and I think some sort of welks and cockles. Welks. And yeah, some other sort of prawns as well. Yeah, like other ambitious seafood. How big was this?

Yeah. The thing about it is that it's really exciting, is that it doesn't matter what's on it really. It's the fact that, oh, who's having the freedom air? They put down a stand. And then there's a massive dish on top of it. And actually, I don't think I've ever had it since. In my mind, it's too...

Even for me, it's too flamboyant. It's almost like it's like banquet food in a cartoon almost, isn't it? It's like big prawns hanging over the edge. Yes. Yeah, you can imagine them eating it in a castle. So how old were you again? 17, I think, yes.

But then get the freedom air. Yeah, it's a good age for freedom air. Big old freedom air. Big old freedom air. So is that your start? Do you want the freedom air or just the oysters? I want the freedom air because I want the whole theater. You can have the freedom air.

Also, after a very strong start here, your start is the freedom air. Oh, I'm pleased. Yeah, it's great. Yeah, that would be... I can still taste them now. Some people, this is an appalling choice in every way. Some people will get angry about this.

Probably. People get angry, don't they? People get angry, don't they? People get angry about freedom air. You can't really get angry about freedom air. You can't literally like shout and say, can't believe you've got the freedom air. I think this doesn't sound angry as soon as you start saying it.

Yeah. How did your parents feel about you getting the freedom air? And same question for Jean and Dennis. Jean and Dennis were delighted to introduce me to my first freedom air. Mum and dad, I imagine, so it is the culmination of, to this point, a lifetime of precocious unbearableness.

Of course you get the freedom air. Of course, yeah, I think they were like, oh, yeah, I bet, yeah, I bet, yeah, you like that, yeah, I bet you like that, yeah, it's expensive, that's why. Probably their idea, if you're the true from school, let's just get a bit of rebellion in them and get them to be a badass, so they're like, we'll do whatever you want.

Can't get the freedom air. Can we go to France? I'd like the freedom air. What? I'm a bug's egg. You are truanting, you'll have a fag. Jean and Dennis come. What the fag? I'm fucking old people. Move on to your main course. I mean, this is such a beginning already, so the main.

Now, I mean, I bet everybody says this, like one is slightly torn on this one, because there's so many options. Yes. But one thing I do remember was having Japanese food in Philadelphia, just a combination of things. What lesson were you skipping at this point? Which particular old couple were you with?

And actually, I've gone to stay with my auntie June. And who lived in Philadelphia, or just outside. And actually, no, I met up with some comedy friends of mine from New York, and they wanted to go to Philadelphia. They wanted to go for dinner rather, to this Japanese restaurant. And I was, I mean, I like the idea of Japanese food, but I never really had it at this point.

It was amazing. And you know what was really amazing? Diny little amounts, and I'd never felt so full. You have a lot of different small dishes, did you? I had a lot of different small dishes. For your main, is this what you're wanting? Lots of different small dishes. Yeah, is that cheating?

Luke Sanders did it, we let her do that. Luke Sanders did it, but it was all horrible. Everything she picked was horrible. So I think we've got to let you have it, because it sounds like it's going to be actually nice. You want the main course, it can be quite filling. I think that's what you want, but only because of the name, really. Oh, that's my take on it.

And I always think like, I'd love to go to somewhere really, you know, one of those really fashionable, really fancy restaurants that it's hundreds of pounds. But I always think, I don't think my palate is sophisticated enough. Right. Like, I think I'd just gobble it all down. Right. I'd be like, let's go for a kebab, like one of those people would be like,

oh, you come out there, you're hungry, stop with a kebab shop. And sadly, I think I would be one of those people. Yeah. Yeah. Not just I'd fight it. But yeah, like things like wagyu beef. Yeah.

And here's something interesting. Wagyu. Yeah. Obviously, everyone goes, oh, wagyu beef. That's amazing beef. Just means Japanese beef. Oh, well, what's the other one that's? There's Kobe.

Kobe beef. So wagyu means it's just Japanese, which I think generally Japanese beef is better anyway. Yeah. But then it's the region that it's from is the important thing. So Kobe is the really super expensive one. Kobe. Yeah.

Very thin slices of Kobe beef. And it was exquisite. I've never had anything like it. I've never had it. What was it taste like? It's so different. Very fatty, right? It was so, there were like slithers of it.

And I think it was with soy sauce or a combination of soy sauce using things. I was like, I'd never had anything quite like it. It was just like tender. And because you have so little of it, you have to appreciate it. Yeah. I mean, that's the other thing we missed when we have like such a, I had the word there and I've lost it. A lot of something.

An abundance. An abundance. Everyone james. That sometimes the temptations go, well, I've got to get through this. Because as a child, I was always told, you have to finish what's on your plate. Yeah. Otherwise, you're bad. And you're not savoring.

You're not savoring, then, if you're just getting through it. So you're just getting, I think, yeah, I remember being like made to get through it. And things like shepherd's pie, which I still hate. Hate it. What if it was made with Kobe beef? Then I would like to know. I would love it. That was the first, my first like cooking class at school.

Kobe beef. In food tech, yeah. It was Kobe beef. Wow, Catherine's really gone downhill. No, it was shepherd's pie, but it was very meal shepherd's pie. What? So the first lesson was that we had to bring in a ready meal and make it. That was so, that was when you said that.

Ben, some said, what exactly is this? So they looked each other and looked at the way it did. It was so good. It's been a waste, it's been a waste for this audio. Yeah. Probably like a film. I felt like I was in a scene in a film. Boo.

It was so good, what we just did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And so looking at me, what? Ice popping, both to each other, both back at me again. I've read you had to bring in a ready meal. Yeah. So I thought, I had to go, I bought a shepherd's pie ready meal,

and they showed me how to cook that in the oven or the microwave. Did you all have to bring in shepherd's pie? Did you have to just bring in any ready meal? We all had to choose the ready meal, but I remember I chose shepherd's pie, and it was the saltiest thing I'd ever eaten at that point. It was so salty. Why, why was this what people so... I don't know what it is, I was like, I mean...

My parents asked the same question when we were doing it, and I was like... Your parents who are teachers themselves. Yeah, who are teachers themselves, like, what is going on? Why are you learning to teach this? I just want to let people know, I'm not saying there's nothing wrong with having a ready meal if that's what you've got time for, if that's, you know, the sort of food that you want to have. Totally sure.

This program isn't about being a foodie snob. No, not at all. Like, if you want a ready meal, fine, you can have a lovely ready meal, right? But in terms of food tech, surely the thing you start with is preparing a basic meal before... I think it's preparing a turbot, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Start the emperor of the sea. Yeah, yeah, it's like that's normally what it is. But yeah, that was it. It's one of the most disgusting things I've ever eaten, so... I mean, that's what I mean, though. Like, Jamie Oliver really took it as a passion project. But when he went around, like, school canteens and was basically like, maybe we shouldn't feed our children, like,

what falls on the floor of an abattoir. And all these people are like, I dare you, I dare you, try and tell us what to do, have to bring up our kids. And he was like, I'm not. I'm just saying it would be healthier if maybe you just made a tomato sauce with some wholemeal pasta. Ah, get out, get out. Our kids love turkey guts.

So you've got this Japanese selection. Wagyu beef. Wagyu beef, tempura vegetables. I believe there was some black cod there as well. Oh, black cod, miso black cod? Yeah. Oh, yes, please. I still can't hear people saying miso.

Without thinking. Without thinking they're saying about themselves. They're referring to what they are. Oh. So I will never be able to get it out of my head. I'd like to get it out of my head. Miso black cod. I think I've only had miso black cod once.

And it's incredible. It's quite, do you know what, though? Because we were sharing, it was quite awkward. There were a few of us around the table. It's quite awkward to go in for like a slice of it because it can sometimes crumble. And then you're embarrassed. That's bad.

You don't want to be the crumbler. Getting something like some, like fish, some flaky fish with some chopsticks is pretty. Pretty difficult. Tents and precarious. Yeah. It's quite easy. So if it's far away, but the picture you're painting now

of reaching across the table to get the flaky fish, and you've got to bring it back to the plate, that's very, very stressful. Yeah. Also, I think we had some sort of salad which had some sort of delicious leaf in it. Moving straight on from the middle, the salad, was it like a seaweed?

Was there seaweed in it? No. It was like a herb in it. And I think something like yuzu, but it wasn't yuzu. It was, it had like a citrusy flavour though, this herb. It was wonderful. It sounds wonderful. I would also like to say other options

I considered for this were. Honourable munchens, we call those. Please don't cut out that pause. You're doing a shit. Yeah, you're doing a shit. It was like you suddenly had a full poo. Actually just shit myself. Just about to come out.

I don't know where it goes. It stopped, and then you say, what? One moment please. It's like tensed and... No. Honourable munchens by Proxy. I was going to say when I went to Germany and I did some gigs, did you ever do those gigs in Munich? No.

No. Really fun. They took us out afterwards and we had steak and we had mac... You know when you're hungry and it's late at night and it's freezing cold outside? We had steak, which was amazingly cooked. They called it noodles, but to my mind it was... It reminded me of macaroni cheese.

And then pork knuckle. Have you ever had pork knuckle like they do in Germany? I've had pork knuckle. It is like roast pork but with loads of salt on the outside. And with really stodgy mashed potato. And then some sort of gravy and I don't normally like gravy. But that meal was one of my favourite mains and I still think about that. The other one is when it was my dad's birthday

and we seldom went out to restaurants or for takeaways because they were seen as indulgent, but we would often get the takeaway menu. The takeaway things from Marks and Spencer's food haul. And I remember when we first had crispy duck. Yes. And that blew my probably nine-year-old mind. I think I was exactly the same the first time.

I think crispy duck still blows my mind every time they have it. Yeah. It's such a treat. It still feels like a treat, doesn't it? Yeah. There are some foods where the first time you have them, no matter who you are, it is mind-blowing. Yeah.

Crispy duck is absolutely one of them. Everyone the first time they had crispy duck was like, what is this? I'd say fried chicken the first time you have it. First time I had KFC. I was going to say KFC. So the first time I had fried chicken, I was like, this is insane. Like, this is the best food I have ever had. Did you have it quite recently?

No. Do you mean? I only had it within the last five years I had KFC. For the first time? Yeah. Oh, no, I had it for the first time. Yeah, I think I'm the same as you, Tom. I think KFC was never an option when I was young.

No one was like going, oh, we'll go and get some fast food. We'll go to KFC. It was McDonald's or Burger King. It was McDonald's or Burger King. Yeah, KFC was always considered the absolute no-go, I think. Yeah, I do. But now there's posh fried chicken. Yeah.

Well. Mind-blowingly good fried chicken. I remember having some, I'm a bit obsessed with chicken wings and I love buffalo chicken wings so much. And also I love Korean flavored. Yeah, Korean chicken wings. Korean chicken wings. I don't know quite what the flavorings are in it, but it's one of them.

With like a really thick red sauce on it. Yeah. It's, I think it's based, like the main bit of the sauce is gochujang, which is like the fermented chili paste. It's so good. It's so good. I've not been to Cripp. I had, I hope to go one day.

Side dish. Side dish, carrot balls. I was in Las Vegas and I nearly did a joke about carrot balls being my nickname. Yeah. Oh, I got in a bit quick then. Sorry. People call me ginger and stuff or whatever online. And I thought it was.

I was going to do a joke about naked snowman. So carry on. And why do people call you ginger? You're not ginger. I think I am. I think, I think a lot of the time under studio or stage lighting, I look like I am. Which is your natural home.

Yes, my as well. I'm a side. And so people think that I'm ginger. And then I don't, when ginger people especially tweet me being like, just say whatever I own on TV. I don't, I don't want to, I don't want to be a party pooper. So yeah. Oh yeah, that's sad if people think that.

Scotsman wrote an article about me once and the headline was ginger ambition. Really? Yeah. It doesn't even make sense. It doesn't make sense. It's just not a thing, is it? What was the expression they were, that I didn't even, I didn't even. Ginger ambition.

Yeah. I didn't even recognize that. What, the little laugh? No, I didn't even recognize the fact that that doesn't make any sense. That doesn't make any sense. Yeah, yeah. Ginger, you what? I don't even know what it's on there.

It's naked ambition. Naked ambition. Yeah, naked ambition. Right. Also, you're not, I wouldn't, I wouldn't be like James Acasus. Very ambitious. No, no. Yeah.

No, that's the thing. The article isn't even about that. It's not even like, it's not me saying that I'm ambitious. Or ginger. Or if it's what I've achieved. Yeah. Ginger, ginger nut might be fun if you were really quirky. If you were really like.

Yeah, call me that if you want. Nope. Or. Ginger ambition. Lol Weasley, that makes as much sense. Yeah? Yeah. That would have been a good one.

I would have read that article. You would have liked that. Ginger ambition, though. That's nice. But carrot balls. I've never had carrots that were like this. They were like short and fat. And they were cooked in a lot of butter.

They were delicious. And it was served in, I think it's called the Paris Hotel in Las Vegas. And they were just wonderful. And then I never got so excited. I think it was roasted in butter. Right. So they were carrots that I'd like. They had, they've tasted of carrots in a way that I hadn't experienced before.

I'm trying to work out, are they just like naturally fat ball like carrots? I think so. I think they're like some sort of organic. They're not like melon balls. No, they were not delivered with a ball of. No, no. My mum and dad had a melon ball at which on the other end was a butter thing for making butter curls.

Never saw it used though. Never saw it used. No. I'm going to say you grew up in a B&B. Yeah. I mean, it's sort of thing I would have loved to have used, but no. I bet you'd run a great B&B. Yeah, I was going to say that.

You definitely went like celebrity for in a bed. I would be very like stressful for the guests though. Do you think? That I want them to behave exactly as I wanted them to. No, don't sit there please. Right, you haven't bitten that. It's alive in your stomach. I don't know why you don't need your breakfast noises properly.

Why were you in Las Vegas? Were you just on holiday? I was just on a holiday. On a little holiday to Las Vegas? Yeah, have you been? No. That's great. I'd really like to go.

Las Vegas on a holiday. Oh, I wouldn't. I'm full of surprises. Yeah. That's the least of my surprises. And what did Jean and Dennis think of the carrot balls? No, Jean and Dennis. I went with a friend of mine.

And we were both delighted because we never had carrots like it. They did sound nice. Because I think boiled carrots makes me feel sad. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like my mum will sometimes do boiled carrots on a Sunday lunch. And I'm always like, no, I don't want that one. And I don't understand why we kind of roasted carrots. What did you say to her?

When she could see the carrot? No, I don't. Well, I find it all of your reactions so funny, Tom. I don't know. I don't know. So these, I still am not clear what these are. These carrot balls. They're just fat carrots, right?

They're just fat carrots. I don't see anything like them. So, I mean, they will be impossible to imagine. But they were sort of carrots that were, maybe, that I'm doing with my hand. What is that? I don't know what that is. About 10 centimeters?

Was it three inches? Here's a lad. That's why you get called a lab mate. Is that why? Because I'm always going in with measurements of carrots. And roasted in butter. Roasted in butter somehow. But they've got burny bits.

Burnt bits. Oh, yes. I love burny bits. Burny bits is one of my favorites. We all realized that actually burnt stuff tastes great and it's not. Yeah, it's not a bad thing. The other honorable munchens by proxy is, I'm referencing Munchausen by proxy.

But I just realized, what is that? Is that something? That's what you were saying. Were you just saying by proxy? I get it now. But what is Munchausen? Munchausen's by proxy is a psychological disorder. Great.

Great. Glad I brought that up. Quite often, I think. So, parents will take in their children and say, to the husband and say, they're really ill, but constantly, and they're not ill, but they've just got this issue that they're sort of putting through their children. So, they have a proxy.

Oh, that's the proxy. Yeah. It happens on casualty all the time. And I remember, because my mum used to be a nurse and we'd watch casualty every week. And then she'd diagnose things before they got diagnosed in the script. That's kind of fun.

So, she'd be like, Munchausen's by proxy. First scene. Wow. Yeah. Well, she'd like that with 999 as well. Yeah, she'd exactly like that with 999. She's just like, he's got a snooker key through his head. Munchausen by proxy.

Munchausen by proxy. They go to bed, you're ill. Go to Ed, I'm going to date to the hospital in the morning. So, that. The other one I was going to say is, when I was on holiday in Crete this year, my friend took me to a restaurant in the mountains. We were overlooking the sea.

It was amazing. Yes. And we had it to ourselves. No one else was there. We ordered two side dishes. One was, I don't know if it's Greek or Cretan, but it was, I think, hota, which I understand is sort of a green,

like a sort of cabbage. But then they serve it with lemon juice and olive oil. Loads of salt. Very nice. But then we had mushrooms, which had been barbecued, covered in lemon juice, olive oil, and salt. There's a theme.

The burniness of these oyster mushrooms, which had been splayed on the barbecue, cooked through, covered in these ingredients. Again, it was probably, actually, yeah, I think actually those mushrooms probably beat the carrot balls. Yeah. Probably one of the nicest things I've ever had.

Do I change it to the mushrooms? Yeah, I don't want to change it to the mushrooms. The mushrooms sound really good. And where did you have them again? Crete. Crete. Crete mushrooms. Thank you.

Whatever I say, Crete. The bell goes off. I think your food tech class is happening in there. To drink, sir. I think I would like, oh, where was I when I had this? It was the first time I'd had a nice red wine. And I think it was a New Zealand malbec, if that's a thing. And I remember it being quite extraordinary.

And I don't know much about wine really, but I like expensive ones. And this was my favorite, most expensive one. I sort of had this kind of like almost smoked taste about it, the sort of woody taste, which I probably is quite repulsive to some people. But I really liked it and I never had anything like that. You know, it doesn't have that harshness to it.

And I do like wine. I like maybe one to two glasses of wine. I sometimes have more than that and I always regret it. Oh, I never do. I never regret it. Loves having a whole bottle of wine to himself. Oh, yes, please. Get your hands on my bottle.

That's what I say. Oh, like that, is it? Where, what sort of wines do you like? Oh, I'm trying all different types at the moment. I sort of, again, I don't know much about it, but I'm quite, I quite enjoy it. The moment I'll reach for an Italian, maybe like a Barolo or something.

Oh, sorry. I've got to leave gaps for the innuendo. A Barolo or something like that. That's her name, is it? Lovely lads. Then why don't they call me lads? It's such a lad. Oh, is that very heavy?

Quite heavy, quite fruity. Oh. Dark and fruity. Go on. I like, I've got a nice, a syrah. You've missed it, you've missed it, absolutely. I said dark and fruity. Oh, that's what they call me in the Scotsman.

It'll be, yeah, as accurate. Yeah. Yeah. Dark and fruity. Yeah, so some sort of red wine. Like, whenever I have a hangover, which is not so often, but whenever I do, I always think,

I've got to never drink again. I've got to be somebody who doesn't drink. And then I get offered a glass of red wine, and then I go, but I couldn't give you up. And maybe that's not ideal. Well, no, it's okay. I mean, I've always been into wine.

Like, or it's been a, it's been at least a thing. Not when I was a small child. Well, to be honest, Tom, you're the only person on this podcast. I would have to ask that, too. You know what? I can imagine you truant him from school with a glass of red.

Yeah. Excuse me. I had to go down to my local wine tasting. I, I remember liking black coffee as a child. So I think it started there, the sort of like not afraid of kind of quite adult flavors. That's really funny. You're like black coffee as a child.

Now I'm imagining you as a little like PI. You're black coffee. Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee. Oh, no one can speak to me until I've had my coffee. Tom, you're four. I know. That's the worst of it. Are you a pudding boy?

I mean, I have been, yeah. You have been? Well, I've done, I feel like this is the most difficult course for me. Oh, right. Okay. Because of being involved with, with programs that center around

Of course. Outputtings and desserts. Of course, yeah. You're for people who don't know, which, which they should be ashamed of themselves. If they don't. But you're, you're deeply embroiled in the Great British Bake Off. Well, in that, I, well, at the moment,

I'm co-hosting a Bake Off for the Professionals with my friend Liam Charles. And, and also I have been doing some things for an extra slice, which is part of the, the Great British Bake Off franchise. I was on the episode of that with you. Indeed you were James. The Vegan Week.

That was a very interesting week. I thought I was on my best behavior. I was not. I got a tweet. So you were saying that sometimes maybe people get angry at you. Yeah. Online for being mean about the cakes.

Would you mean about the cakes? Yeah, sometimes they can be. So sometimes you're, you're just like heartedly mean about the cakes. I wasn't mean about the cakes. I thought I'd been quite a nice boy. Someone tweeted at me saying, my mom says you were incredibly rude

on Great British Bake Off. Extra slice and you should be ashamed of yourself. Wow. And I was in them. I normally don't respond to tweets like that. But there's nothing worse than being told my mom says. Yeah. I was in quite a cheeky mood.

So I replied saying, your mom is total garbage. Oh, how did that go? She replied to me. She replied to me saying, you just proved her point. That's so, so rude. And you should know better because, my mom says you should know better because you're middle aged and you should know better.

Wow. That is a slam from, that is shots fine from the moment. Yeah. You should really know better as a middle aged ginger man. Yeah. Yeah. So to that one I replied, I said, Oh, it went on.

How old does your garbage man think I am? And so this got on for a long time. And she'd keep on saying me stuff going. This is exactly what she's talking about. This is so rude of you. And then at one point I just sent her a GIF of a bin lorry that was, has just had the bin attached to it and was like wildly flinging rubbish across the street.

I just sent her that at one point. And then it all culminated in her eventually sending me a poorly photoshopped picture. It was the top half of the person's body was my body. Me from the waist up. Yeah. The bottom half, she'd just photoshopped some an old man on a zimmer frame.

But just took us got legs and a zimmer frame with hands. So it looked like my legs I had a zimmer frame. Then she'd done a speech bubble coming out my mouth and she'd written, My name is old man Acaster and I've never learned manners and I've wasted my life. Wow. So that's what happened.

I'm an extra slice. That is quite an extreme experience. I don't know if all of the guests have that. Now I've never been on extra slice, Tom. Okay. And if there's a worry that because I'm a type one diabetic, I wouldn't enjoy my time on the show or I wouldn't have anything to add. I just want to put everyone's minds at ease that that's not the case.

If it's because I'm not famous enough, fair cop. Well, I'm not responsible for the bookings. Well, you're the only person, you're the closest to the booking team that we've had on the podcast. Yeah. Well, okay. Well, if you're very keen, I would suggest you send in a letter. Okay.

Can I have the address? What's the address? Bake off an extra slice. Yes. 47. Yes. Cake. Street.

Catering. Because it sounds like catering. Yeah. KT. I thought I got that. Yeah. KT. 99.

Yes. FLK. Okay. FLK for flaky. Yeah. But now everyone's going to send in a letter who's heard this and I'm never going to get on. Never going to hear the end of it.

So I have had a lot of cakes. Yes. And I've had a lot of desserts off the back of Bake Off for the Professionals. Yes. Not off the back of. That suggested I was rummaging through the bin. Or that they do it like sort of Japanese sushi style where someone lies down and you all eat off their bodies.

Oh, like Samantha did in Sex and the City. Yes. I don't expect you to get that reference in. I do. I've seen it. Have you? I've seen Sex and the City before. Have you?

Yeah. Which one would you be? Oh, none of them. I think they're all awful. Not the Expenser. Monika. Okay. Good answers, folks.

So I would say still my favorite thing is some sort of a pastry tart with some sort of custard inside. Preferably like a lemony custard. I like it to be gooey and I like it to be crispy. A lemon custard tart or like a Tartos Citron? One might call it a Tartos Citron. But was I there with you, James, when I had a disappointing one? I think so.

I think I might have seen you eat a disappointing Tartos Citron. I sent it back. Yes. I sent it back. You sent it back. I sent it back because a short crust pastry should be short, should be crispy. You have a crunch to it, almost.

And this one had a soft, doughy, undercooked, disappointing texture and I sent it straight back. Was this on Bake Off The Professional? No, this was in real life. With James A. Custer. Whereabouts were you? In Westfield College, yes. I sent them in.

Oh, it was in the loach. I didn't want to bring it up, but I was there. I sent an email almost on the spot. Yes. I got a response. Things went back to normal from there. Did they send you any vouchers or anything? No, I wouldn't have declined them.

I do not agree with... Just because I'm improving the world doesn't mean I have to get paid for it. Right, okay. Good slogan. Good slogan. A Tartos Citron, then, for dessert? Yes, but an excellent one.

An excellent Tartos Citron. Where is the best one you've tried? Yeah, where's the best one? We've got to get the same one. Because I don't want it again. We've never had a... I am sent back in this stream restaurant and I don't want to get this wrong

with the Tartos Citron. You know what? I think when Paul's Patisserie first opened in London... Yes. And you mean just the Patisserie that's just called Paul's? You're not talking about your friend Paul Hollywood? I've only met him once. So I would not dame to call him a friend.

The Patisserie Paul's, which at one point rather ubiquitously, is that the right word? Is that the right word? Opened in all the stations, I think, really compromise the brand. But for that, it had a very traditional Parisian feel about it in its original Covent Garden shop and I would often walk past it

on my way to Charing Cross Station. So on high days and holidays, I would pop in, spend sometimes in the region of £12 on cake unheard of, in my family, would take home a selection of cakes, one of which was Tartos Citron. I think it was the first time I had it. I really enjoyed it. So that one,

Paul's Tartos Citron. You will also notice that is another word where I drop the N, Citron, in the restaurant. In the restaurant? When I was drawn. OG Paul's Tartos Citron. OG? Original gangster.

The OG Paul's. Correct. Yes. Original gangster Paul's, Tartos Citron. Correct. With a sour sort of yogurt with it or something or like a spoon full of something? Tom is not looking at it like he's a piece of shit.

Cream and cream. Any cream? Any cream, Tom? Any cream? I guess it could be permissible to have some sort of cream or maybe a cream for each. I think I meant crème fraîche. However, I do not care for it.

I'm a purist. Well, you don't have to have it. It's your dream restaurant. We wouldn't bring you some crème fraîche and then you have to scrape it off. I've had that while I've had to scrape. Yeah. There's no scraping in the dream restaurant.

I don't like it. I don't really like cream, actually. No. I find it very milk. Why would you put that on a thing? If it's sweetened and given a texture. I'm all about the texture. Oh, I don't like the pouring cream on stuff.

I don't. I don't like strawberries. The way people bang on about strawberries and cream. Yeah, it was ridiculous. Normally you love strawberries and cream, do they? No. I think it's like a punishment. It's like pouring milk on it.

It's like eating a bowl of cereal. Yeah. Yeah. How is it good if you've got a lovely tart or a cheesecake or something? Pour a jug of cream on it. Oh. It looks so stupid.

Stupid? It actually does look stupid. Yeah. It looks stupid, doesn't it? You can do that. You pour it over and you're going to be sogging. You're sogging up the base. That's all you're doing.

That's all you're doing. It's all going to go onto the base. Sog the base up. Sog the base. Yeah, yeah. It's all you're doing. Yeah. I'd like some squirt.

I'd take squirty cream at any day over that. Oh, get off. Have you ever done that before? I'm a big dollop of cream. Shut up. What have you ever thought like? What had? Squirty cream.

What are you talking about? Straight in your mouth. It's disgusting. Squirty cream's absolutely disgusting. I'd take it over pouring cream right time. I would. I would. Yeah.

I absolutely would. Yeah. Sometimes with a glass of cherry popped in the top. What happened there? But I love it. James, read him his order. This is the bill, is it? Yeah.

No, you have to pay. We had to give you the food, but you do have to pay for it. Okay. You would like some sparkling water to start. Mm-hmm. You would like some crispy sourdough bread as your bread. Starter, you would like fruit de mer. Fruit de mer.

Thank you. Fruit de mer from Turanday. Yeah. With gin and doni. May, you would like some Japanese small plates from Philadelphia. Yes. Side, you would like some mushrooms from Crete. Yes.

You would like an NZ Malbec. Sure. And dessert, you would like a tartou citron from Paul's. Correct. So delicious. That's a good meal. You feel good about that? I hear it went back to you.

Yeah. I mean, part of me thinks should I have gone for something, you know, certainly meatier in the main course, to sort of give you that feeling of like, oh, I feel sick. I wish I hadn't had it all at once. Which is what you really want from a good meal, is it? It's all I want from a really posh meal.

But actually, I think there's something nice about just having just the right amount. I think you could have that as a lunch and then get on with your day. That's it, isn't it? As they would, I imagine, in France. Something like that. Not too many cards.

You could go back to school for afternoon lessons. I'd be back and I'd be raring to go. Yeah. Thank you very much, Tom. Thank you, Tom. Thank you. Thank you. That was the menu of Tom Allen.

Fancy. Very fancy. I loved all the stories connected with it. The story of Truinting with an elderly couple will probably go down in an off-menu history, is the best reason for picking a starter. The Fuy de Mer. I really loved the fact that you chose that.

Yeah. And that was the story behind it. That's Tom Allen is most rebellious. Also, picking Fuy, I didn't say this at the time. Fuy de Mer, right, you would once eat that near the sea. And I thought, oh, that's it. He's done that. He's not.

He's eating it next to the channel. It doesn't feel like what they're pulling out of the channel. Yeah, it's the thing. I mean, that's very disgusting. Yeah. Very disgusting. Old fish that they've scooped up there. A tartou citron.

At the end, a glass of red wine. Very fancy. Japanese small plates. What was the beef? Wagyu beef. Was it even? From Kobe. From Kobe.

Oh. Fancy meal. Fancy guy. Yeah. Lovely gentleman. Excellent comedian. Wonderful presenter. If you want to see more of him,

oh, Tom's always on. Toy is always doing gigs. But also, you can watch Bake Off the Professionals, Extra Slice, depending on what's coming on TV when you're listening to this podcast. He did an episode of your show Hypothetical as well, didn't he, James? He was absolutely excellent on Hypothetical.

He's on episode one. That's how good he was. We opened the whole series with him. It was very funny. So you can watch that on UK TV Play. You can come and see me on tour. I'd imagine if you go on to edgambl.co.uk forward slash gigs, check out my social media at Edgambl Comedy

and also the off-menu social media at off-menu official on Twitter and InstaBaby. InstaBaby. You don't have Insta. You're not an InstaMan. No, no, not InstaMan. But I can still say InstaBaby with the best of them. You can indeed.

What are you up to at the moment, James? Uh, probably touring. And, um, yep. Hypothetical's on UK TV Play. See you next week. Hello, it's me, Amy Glendale. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato

and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case... Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing.

It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North because, look, we're two Northerners. Sure, but we've been living in London for a long time. The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News.

We'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glendale's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening.

There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.