Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 49: Catherine Cohen

Episode Date: March 11, 2020

New York-based comedian and Edinburgh Best Newcomer winner Catherine Cohen invites Ed and James to her Manhattan apartment to record what is probably the most chaotic Off Menu yet.Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive Productions.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Catherine Cohen brings her award-winning show ‘The Twist…? She’s Gorgeous!’ to Bush Hall, 11-13 March. Tickets here.Catherine’s podcast ‘Seek Treatment’ is on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. More info here.Follow Catherine on Twitter: @catcohen.Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy, now. Please? And this podcast was first bottled in 1968, and you're very lucky to be getting it from deep in the cellar. Welcome to the Off Menu podcast. I didn't know you were born in 1968, Ed. No, this podcast was bottled in 1968. Oh, man. Oh, man, Gamble. Hello, everybody. I'm an old man. Oh, do you know American accents? That's because we're in New York City right now, Ed.

Yeah, in New York City. We have decided to come here on a whim, I'd say, to record some episodes with American guests. Ed? Yes. Even though we're in New York City, can I be if I'm wrong? The format of the podcast remains the same. Am I correct? Absolutely. But before we even get onto that, you always try and move me along. I just want to let everyone know you've been for a very smart haircut. Thank you very much. We could be in Bonita, couldn't believe it when you walked in here. You said you'd go for a haircut. You look so smart.

Yes, I went for a haircut in New York City. And I said, make me look smart, please. You look very dapper. You look like you could be a madman. Yes, that's what I wanted. And they gave me a whiskey while I was having my haircut. So I was drinking the whiskey as I felt like Don Draper. Don Acaster. Yes. The format, James, we invite a special guest to tell us their favorite. Start a main course dessert, drink, and side dish. It's a basic chat about food. It's a lot of fun, and it very much relies on the guest

and momentum. And who is the guest and what is the momentum? The guest this week is the wonderful Catherine Cohen. And the momentum for this episode was Jetlag. Oh, yeah. Jetlag. It's a smooth jetlag. Catherine Cohen is a wonderful comedian, musician, cabaret performer, I would say. Funny, she's a jack of all trades and a master of all of them.

She won the Edinburgh Festival Best Newcomer Award last year. She's had property. A tough prize to snap up. She got it. And we went to her apartment. We did interview her. Hi, Ed. Even though it was her apartment, if she mentioned the secret ingredient, I wouldn't hesitate to kick her out of the dream restaurant.

Straight out of the window onto the fire escape. Yeah, exactly. Those zig-zaggy fire escapes that New Yorkers famous for. She would have gone, all the way to the bottom. Now, Ed, tell me, what is the secret ingredient this week? It is bubble tea. Bubble tea.

Now, like, boba, like them little, like, frog-sporty bits. Tapioca bits. Tapioca, is that what it is? That's why I don't want it. It's like rice tapioca pudding in the bottom of drinks. That's why I don't want it. I like them. I like those bits. Do you? Of course you do.

You love all that sort of textural stuff, still open it up like a horrible little baby. Yes. And I also like, you like the restaurant Mission Chinese. I do like the restaurant Mission Chinese. We went there the other night. We did. And there's an excellent dessert there that has those in it. Yeah. And they're so chewy and fruity in that dessert. It was such a good dessert.

I cannot ever say that I don't like them. However, if one of all that we've got now, if one of us doesn't like them, it has to be the secret ingredient. Fair enough. So if she says it, she's out onto her fire escape. So let's hope she doesn't say it because I'm looking forward to meeting her here is the off menu menu of Catherine Howe. Welcome. Did you bring me in?

Oh, yeah, sure. I was going to welcome you. I know a lot of podcasts, especially. Oh, God. I'm furious. We'll never bounce back from this. Do you need an Afghan? No, it's all right. It's mainly on your rug. I'm peeking out of my lamp, but I can't believe what I'm seeing. Catherine's having a go and get some roll.

What I was just saying was that the beginning of this podcast is quite official and we do an official start, but it turns out now it's starting with me spilling something and Catherine's invited us over to her apartment to record it. And now I spilled seltzer on her rug. Thank you very much. This just makes us raw, relatable, real for all the listeners back home. Hey, guys, shout out to y'all.

Luckily, seltzer is what people recommend to get stains off carpets, right? Oh, totally. So if anything, I'm cleaning it. Thank God. That's why I had you guys over. Oh, no. Why have you not fenced head, Catherine? This wonderful thing he's doing for you. Good. I'm so sorry about spilling something immediately.

I'll never forget this, but I'll forgive it. Whoa. Welcome, Catherine Cohen. Oh, my God. To the dream restaurant. Wow. We're getting anticipating your arrival. Would you like to start with an amuse-bouche?

Yes. It's a nice thing, isn't it, amuse-bouche? Because you got in your head what you want. And then it's a little bonus that they bring you a unit and choose it. What is it? Is that the thing they bring you? You don't even ask for it. Yeah, like a little snack at the beginning of the meal.

What can I ask for my favorite food? No, no, this is amuse-bouche. I don't get to choose this. No, no, no. This is me. So what have you bought? A big birthday cake. No. Thank you. How do you know?

My birthday was in August. You'd like a full-size birthday cake as a little amuse-bouche before the meal. Rectangle? Yes. A sheet cake. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A sheet birthday cake. We can ask now, I mean, what is your dream birthday cake?

Oh, that's a great question. You know, I'm an absolutely addicted ice cream cake. I think it's hot and cold, so fucked up and perfect. Yeah, absolutely. It's twisted to have hot and cold in your mouth at the same time. I love that shit. So you live in New York. Rumors are true.

The best food place in the world? What do we reckon? In New York, it's pretty amazing. You know what? I'm actually, I'm from Texas. I'm from Houston and I think that's a better food town. Because you got the Tex-Mex, you got the barbecue. It's like the real deal. I was there one day.

Oh, God. And I didn't know where to eat. I just got something nearby and now I think I've missed out on a lot of good stuff I could have had. What did you get? Ice cream cake? Yeah, no, I had some sandwich that was like a chicken kind of, chicken salad sandwich. You kind of think, it was a massive chicken sandwich. Okay. How, just huge.

Yeah, it was like massive. I remember it was massive and it was from a bar around the corner and they did this massive hot chicken sandwich. That sounds great. And I went and got that and then I watched Apollo 13. Oh, sure. When was this? Uh, 2016. Wow, you're really behind, behind on Apollo 13, right?

Well, I've been to the Space Center that day. Oh, you went to NASA? Yeah, and then I was like, I want to watch Apollo 13. So I watched it again. I think it wasn't the first time I'd seen it. I'd never seen it. Oh, it's a classic. I don't like space movies.

Why not? Oh, it's like, we got it. I think there's so much more interesting stuff here. Like, look around you, look at the window. Look in every little, every window, there's a story being told. You ever think about that in space? There's not a lot of that. I find it's best to not stare out of your window through other people's windows at their stories.

Okay, weird. Yeah, that's what they're thinking. It's just because you were born and raised in Houston though and therefore you don't like space because you're rebelling against the olds of the town or the oldies. NASA culture. And you're like, space sucks. Yeah, I'm a badass girl. You know, I went to NASA once and the famous family story was that our guide was really nervous.

And instead of saying Earth's surface, he goes, and then on the Earth's, we were like, Earth's was the funniest thing I've ever heard. That's brilliant. So I was like, that trip was Earth's, you guys. Yeah, I love the Earth's. Ed dropped a drink on the Earth's a minute ago, didn't he? I did. Yeah, sorry about that again.

Moment of silence. So do you like, do you like food? Are you a foodie? I love, who doesn't like food? Yeah, there are people. You'd be surprised. There are people. Honey, I wish I didn't like food.

Look at this, come on. I'm trying to keep it tight. I want to be on TV, bitch. Yeah, we always joke, we, I talk about my best friend, Pat. I'm just like so in love with him. He's gay, he's not in love with me. But we, I always say we as though we're like a couple. We always joke about in the Vogue 73 questions video for Taylor Swift.

They're like, what's your favorite food? And she goes, if calories didn't count, chicken fingers. And we're like, if calories didn't count. We always start off with still sparkling water. Now you've already started us off with some sparkling water here. And I've made my feelings very clear about that. The boys really like what I cooked up for them, which is a can of liqueur. Zero calorie, zero sweetener, zero sodium equals innocent.

Oh. I don't know what it says. Yeah, it says on my one. Yeah. I think it's the same. I think it's broadly the same across the cans. You're obviously a fan of sparkling. You had a whole box of them.

Yeah. Yeah, you got a box. I'm a water freak. Yeah. I'm addicted to being hydrated. Are you? It's like the one thing, it's like one thing I can control in my life. You know what it means?

I can just get a lot. Water makes you, makes the voice sound good, because I sing. It makes you shit normal, which we love. We stand that. And it makes you just feel better than other people. And it keeps you, yeah, it keeps you feeling fresh. Feel fresh. I feel like hydration, I think everything the UK does is maybe 30 years behind America.

You guys actually don't. And I don't feel like we've caught up with hydration yet. You guys don't hydrate really. No. They make you pay for water, right? This is not true. What? In a restaurant?

No. No, you can get tap water. Who told you that? All the stories? I don't know. I feel like I'm always like buying a really small bottle of water. People of that, that's just like, people tell that to spook you, so you won't go to the UK.

I'm shivering. You don't have to pay for water. Why am I so cold all of a sudden? Before you had to pay for the water. But I don't feel like, I think we're a very dry people. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. We're not as into water.

I don't really value it as much. Don't walk around with a bottle of water in our bag all the time. Yeah. Benito does. Benito's got one. Oh, yeah. He's got a little. Benito, let's see it.

Brought your water bottle all the way from the UK. Yeah. Can I talk to you about those? Yes. My thing about those is they're too, that's not enough water. See, look at what I have. You got it. You got it.

You got to go full. What the hell is that? That's like a, you got a proper water tank. You got to go full leader because you need three of these a day. Is this interesting? Hydroflask. So you drink three of those a day. At least.

That's a drum. Here's my issue with that. You got a drum of water. Hydration. Yeah. Are you not just going to the bathroom the whole time, right? I'm going right now. Yeah.

Yeah. Pass me that paper towel. They're laughing. They're laughing, crying, laughing over here. Yeah. A part of my life is always being nervous that I'm going to have to pee and like I always sit, I'll see like whether at the theater or on an airplane. Yeah.

I'm always going to aisle. Yes. I'm going to the cinema. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm trying to employ. Employee.

Employee. That more in my life now. What? The aisle seat? I'll seats. I think maybe every day or at least five days a week, I nearly piss myself. Yeah. You're on.

I nearly did it. I'm absolutely sick of it. Yeah. It's not right. I'm sick of it. Just my whole life. Just like every time I'm in that situation again and I'm walking along and I feel it and I'm like, oh no, and I've got the panic in my head of oh please no.

I think, why? Why this again? Mm-hmm. Why again? I'm 35. Why is this happening again? Yeah. You know?

He's crying. I'm just tired of it. This happened today. Yeah, we both needed a wee today at the same time. It got really bad. Well, if I can just say a huge part of being in New York is like no one lets you use the bathroom unless you buy something. So what do you do?

Do you just buy a lot of stuff? I got some spots. Barnes and Noble and Union Square. They'll let you go. Okay. They'll let you go. What I've done and what you guys can't do is I can walk in and if they say no I say I'm pregnant.

Right. Congratulations. No. I practice safe sex. That's cool. Yeah. Thanks. That's cool.

You're welcome in the dream restaurant with that. Yeah. Yeah, I'll go with sparkling. Thank you. Do you want it in your drum? Do you want it in the drum? Oh, that'd be amazing. Yeah, thank you.

Spark the water in the Hydroflask. I'd love that. Could you drink three liters of sparkling water a day though? Yeah, but I understand what you're saying. You can't chug it as fast. Yeah, it's a lot. The thing about this drum that I drink from is I don't mean just to sound quirky. I spill on myself every time I drink out of it.

You know how it's so big mouth? It's kind of like a sexy treat for people in the subway. I'm sure it's soaking wet. This is my first of the day. There we go. There you go. Had a late morn. Did you all have a late morn or what's up?

Early morn. Of course. Of course. Pretty early morn. Did you go out last night? Went to the Smith. It's a good spot. Yeah, it was nice.

Went there last weekend. Oh, yeah? It's kind of an all-American. You can't go wrong. Nice bird. Did they tell you about how their restaurant recently burned down so they had a limited menu? No. No?

Last weekend when I was there they said, you know what? We're sorry for the inconvenience. But in December we had a big fire in the kitchen. No one was hurt. I said, thank God. But now we have a limited menu. And so they had what they were having towards us actually was a limited menu. But the meal was still a hit.

It didn't feel very limited. No, they didn't tell us about the kitchen. What did you all get? I had a burger. I had a burger. It's a good burger. It's a different burger to eat. It was delicious.

I can't order the same thing as someone else. Yes. Oh, why? Because it feels like if you're not going to go back to that place ever again, you're wasting the order. But don't you also find that when someone gets something else you're like, I should have got that. Yeah, of course. But I still need to stick to my... Sorry, it feels every time.

Sorry, it feels every time. Yeah. I also did it at breakfast this morning. I wanted the same thing as him. But I had to order something different. Where'd you all go for breakfast? Champs. Oh, the vegan diner?

Yeah. Okay, my Brooklyn boys. They go absolutely off, go all the way on the L train to get breakfast with freaks. Yes. We love it there. It's still... I have the same thing every time. I like the kicking cowgirl every time.

Ed wanted it. But didn't... I didn't get it because I think it's a waste of an order. What's... Now, the boys don't mind me asking. What's the kicking cowgirl? Giddy up, Benito. It is tofu scramble, vegan chili, tater tots, vegan cheese, avocado...

And Texas toast. And Texas toast. You might be able to help us with this. Yeah. Texas toast. Big ass toast. Is it just big toast? Yeah.

Right, okay, just... Okay. Pop it up with some bread! Pop it up with some bread, Catherine! Pop it up with some bread! Pop it up with some bread! What's puppet-ups? No.

So, this is gonna happen a lot, because I just let the listener know Is this an English thing? you're our first interview... Since we've arrived in America. Did I kill the momentum over there? No, you've not killed the momentum at all. I think this is good to get that out there. Cutting it down.

The question is, proper dom... Popidoms or bread? Popidoms, an Indian crispy snack... No. that you would have at the beginning... of the meal? I do like those. I do like those.

But I prefer bread. I love other things that you might get before meal in that zone. Oh, so I... in that zone that you prefer to bread. You know the kind of bread when it's kind of like a little, it's kind of cheesy and there's kind of like a puff to it? Do you know what I mean? Cheesy puff bread?

Can you describe it more? No. No, for the first time in my life, I've been lost for words. Cheese bread. Yeah, I do. I wish I hadn't said anything. No, no, no, no, no, that's not the point. We are, we are.

As long as it's hot, hot bread, squishy inside, crust outside, that's what's up. But I think we can get you cheesy puff bread because he's a genie. We're getting you cheesy puff bread. Okay, so what I'm talking about is like, oh, I feel so nervous. It's like, it's not that there's cheese in it.

It's that there's a cheese, there's an energy that suggests maybe cheese is involved in the batter. In the process, but no, there's no visible cheese. I'm sweating. But there's the vibe of cheese. Yeah, there's a cheese vibe. The ghost is like the ghost of cheese.

You know cheese is in there. You feel the cheese, the cheese presence, but you can't see it. And it's so good and it's small. It's smaller than bread. It's smaller than bread. It's smaller than bread. It's an amazing slogan.

It's smaller than bread and you can feel the presence of cheese. Yeah, yeah. It's a savory treat. Tiny cheese ghost bread. Like a cheese straw. Cheeto, a cheeto, you're thinking of cheetos. You guys.

Is it bread or is it pastry? It's bread. Okay. I don't know. I just feel really disconnected from you guys right now. Small cheese puff. You came into my home and you act like I'm, you actually women are crazy.

These guys think women are crazy. These guys are canceled. Cancelabra. Take a, bring out the cancelabra. I'm furious. That's right. I don't know. That sounds great.

Asking, asking, catching more questions about bread is a good idea at this point. I think there's just something we can work through. Okay. You weren't supposed to hear what I just said. Apologies. I thought, I thought only Ed could hear that. No, no, no.

I was just letting him know. We've been through this. You can't focus your sound specifically onto one person. I was looking at you. Yeah. That's not how it works. Did you, were you born and raised on Texas toast? No, I was born in New York city, city of dreams. Well, hold on a second.

I'm confused now. And then I grew up in Houston. You know when they take you and you're little and they just plop you down wherever and you're like, this is my life. Right. Where did y'all grow up? London.

Kettering. What? He just said my name so fast at me. Your starter. What would you like for your starter? Okay. You know what I'd really love is like a burrata with really fresh tomatoes and some like olive oil.

Like just like the most pure like from the earth, like the freshest, I'm talking tomatoes that were plucked in August. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tomato season and heirloom vibe. So I need like some different colors. Tomatoes, like when you say yellow tomato aren't you just like, oh no, I've seen everything.

I mean, they're really doing, they're doing crazy things with tomatoes. So that's my, and then a little bit of basil on it. And then some olive oil, salt and pepper. Amazing. That's a great choice. I love. So when you say they're picked in August.

So you're eating the meal in August as well. Why not? It's my birthday month. Yeah. Happy birthday. Thank you. Just regular friends. Well, we're not seven.

Hahaha. Drag me to absolute hell. Hahaha. Duje. Okay. We're very close friends. Very close friends. Absolutely.

Is that too much now? You don't like that? I'm just like done with it at this point. He can't hear me when I'm not looking at him right now. That's what he taught me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So the burrata. Yeah.

It's like a surprise when you open it. Yeah. But you like puncture. Almost like an egg. Yeah. Yeah. But it's so soft. You're like, you taste it.

You're like, what even the fuck is this? Yeah. And I like it when it's like a little tangy almost. So not too mild. And then you know what is really, and not to bring it. I really, really didn't want to go here because of where we've been.

Yeah. But when they serve it with like a slightly toasted piece of like bread with olive oil on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you can kind of scoop it up with the tomato. Yeah. Oh, that's good. I think we're on the same bread page there.

Absolutely. The whole dish is fantastic. Divine. If you had to say so, if we, you know, now we're like, we've got a surprise for you. So that was a special guest. And we bought a big blob of mozzarella in, but it's alive.

What would you want to say to it now? Now that Barat is so great, I would like to just tell mozzarella it's over. Oh, I see what you're saying. Now we see what you're saying. But to get there, we had to have mozzarella that was alive coming in here for Catherine to say something to.

I just think that Catherine would really give it what for and give it a piece of her mind. You know what I would say? You're mine and I love you and I'll never, this doesn't change what we have between us and you're still really good for pizza. Yeah. You don't want to put a barata on a pizza, do you?

No. Unless it's raw onto the top of the pizza. Yeah. Can I talk about something crazy? Yeah. You, is that okay with you? Okay. Have you guys heard of cold cheese?

Cold cheese? Cold cheese pizza. No, no, no, no, no, no, not just that. We've heard of cold cheese. Where do you think we've come from? No, no, no, no. Oh, I'm getting a call. Oh, should I answer it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I hope it's not mozzarella. Oh, yeah, yeah. You're talking about me? Hey, I'm doing a podcast. Hey, how you doing? I'm doing a podcast, so you're on speakerphone. Oh, hey, no problem.

I'm mailing you those glasses you left at the house. Oh, I love that. And I just want you to go out of town for a while. Should I ship them somewhere else or to your apartment? You know what, if you put in a small enough package that it goes in my mailbox as opposed to big package, then I'll be able to retrieve it. It's actually going in a box.

Okay. I don't know how we're gonna get past this. Why don't you just wait? Oh, oh, oh. Well, just- I don't want to wait. I'm gonna send it. They'll just sit there.

All right. How big a package could get in your mailbox? You mean like an envelope? No, I just mean like- I'm gonna break the glasses, though. Maybe if it was the size of a glasses case. Yeah, that's not gonna happen. This.

This. Okay. I'm shipping you your apartment. Okay, love you. Thanks. Love you. Bye-bye. I'm so sorry, that was urgent.

That's okay. Yeah, no, I know. Sometimes you gotta take these calls. That was so important. That was my father. Okay, cool. Well, who, what did you guys- I shouldn't have said anything.

Who, what did you guys think that was? I was gonna say, I loved his attitude. I loved how it was. I love him even more now that I know he's your dad. I'm sorry, I thought that's a friend. And actually, it's like- I think you've got the chillest dad in the world. No, I really do.

I think it was very cool attitude. I liked it when he just went, yeah, that's not gonna happen. Yeah. I merely just, I know I just disguised this and I'm finding you to give you options on the glasses. I'm just finding you to tell you what I'm gonna do. Well, the thing that's funny is,

I didn't ask him to do that, so he's calling to be like, can you believe what a great dad I am? I'm just sending you these that you left with the house unprompted. I should have known that he was your dad, because it's a definite dad thing to do. When you said, I'm doing a podcast,

he didn't reference it and couldn't even bother to engage with what a podcast is. It was like, okay, some crazy thing. I'll just move on doing the tasks that I called for. I just love him to death. Yeah. I really do, I'm just, I love my family. It's not groundbreaking, it's not interesting.

I just really love them. Would you like them to be at the dream meal? Ab, so you know what my heaven is. Go on. Oh, my heaven is, my heaven in the inner. Is it okay to describe the restaurant a bit? Yeah, sure, go for it. Does it morph?

Yes, it's whatever you want it to look like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So my ideal restaurant, I need white tablecloths. I randomly like, I want the walls to be dark mahogany, ceiling kind of rustic, but then I want like burgundy carpet that's like fucking disgusting, you know what I mean? And like the waiters are all 3000 years old.

They don't care if you live or die, but they're also kind if you look deep into their eyes. What are they wearing? Probably bow ties, not to be ghost. Yeah, yeah. And candles, and there's like light. There's like an old man with secrets in the corner playing piano, but gentle.

And the, here's the key part, is not too loud to have a normal conversation. This is something I just really can't stand. Very important. My heaven is when I have my family in town and we take some friends out. So to have like, and it has to be, I'm so sorry to keep harping on this,

but it has to be circular table. I mean, it's really, it's just disgusting. When they put animals feeding from the trough, I just put it in a circle, so I can look at people in the eyes when I'm eating. Yes, yes. Your main course. This is tough.

Let's go full like steak. I'm getting a steak. Oh yeah. I'm getting like a filet mignon. Well, I did not see that coming at all. No. And I've just had this kind of cheesy kind of vegetable. I'm ready for like, I need some protein.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not that cheese and protein, I don't want you to disrespect cheese and what it does for us, but it isn't really the same as having, oh my God, is everyone else exhausted on this? I know there's a lot more pressure on you. No.

You're feeling it. Filet mignon. You can, oh. Yes. That's like, filet steak, right? Oh, sorry, I thought, well, when I said, Kevin was feeling it, I thought you were doing a pun.

No. Filet mignon, I thought I was. Don't do any puns near me. It doesn't go over well. Yeah, well, there might be some puns. I wouldn't have liked it either. No. I mean, I just thought that's what he was doing.

Yeah, super rare steak. Super rare, good. Super rare and like crispy on the, you know, there's a little bit of, gotta have those. How rare are we talking? Like blue. A little, blue.

I think it'd be blue. No, not crazy, but definitely red, red, bloody. Yeah. From a particular place. I was saying today how much he wants to go to Peter Luger. Yeah, that's the spot. I actually haven't been there. I'd like to go there.

Shut up about it. Well, we walked past it. I said, I'd like to go there. Whatever happened between you guys before this, don't bring it. I wasn't aware of anything happening. I think it's kind of fucked up that you guys didn't ask about cocktails first.

Well, we're, you know, we're getting onto the drinks. But when you go to a restaurant. Customers always like, yeah. No offense. One of my pet peeves is when, and this really grinds my gears, but when you, when you order a drink and it doesn't get there before the food,

it's like, what is this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fair enough. I just find more, the more old I get. Some might say older, the older I get. The more old I get, like the more specific and obnoxious I've become, but it's like, if you're going to pay money,

you want it to be like really what you want. Otherwise I'd just kick back, have some takeout. Well, the older you get, the more you value your money, right? So like it makes sense that you would then be like, I'm paying for this. It needs more to me now that I've paid for it. What's your dream cocktail to kick off the meal?

Cause we're going to give you a boat. We're going to give you a bonus cocktail to have at the beginning of the meal. And then we're going to ask you about your drink after we've done the side dish. I wasn't consulting for that. Look, we've had a complaint, James. This is our first complaint we've been.

This is our first complaint. No it isn't. In the history of the podcast? It's our first official restaurant complaint. It says, I'm very, very easy to deal with. Very low maintenance, low key, guys, I'm a guys girl. Yeah. I'm a guy is a girl.

I love a beer, I love the jeans. I'm at a rodeo right now. I never. Is that a clue to your drink? Are you going to have a beer in a jeans pocket? No, no. If I had this kind of place, for the place where we're all going to go,

the place we all are, I'm getting like a dirty martini, cattle one ice. And you know, it's kind of fucked up, but I like when there's even like a little bit of ice on the top. I think that's definitely not how you're supposed to like it, but it's like ice cold like, and then like a little bit of like,

like almost like you're like, you know when something sits out and then you like break and break the seal and it's like, like, you know what it is. What? I know you like martinis because I don't know if you realize that. That whole last sentence was all different noises.

It was. It was like a scene from- Oh, did I miss something? Yes. What have you just put in your mouth? Does anyone want one of these? There's actually three left. What are they?

It's an immunity. I'm a, I'm scared. Due to my being scared all the time, I'm addicted to like not getting colds. So this is a ginger, what critics and fans like are calling it, ginger fireball blast. It supports the immune system.

It has vitamin C, no sugar, no calories, pure ginger root. Yes, I'm wobbling. Okay. It burns a little. Thank you. That's okay. It's a bed. And you tell it, and they burn.

Not burn it? We're all gonna get- It burns straight. Give it a sec. Oh. Yeah. That's a real shock as soon as you pop it in. No, mine's been a slow kind of like,

Benito's really struggling. Yeah. Mine's slowly building and getting more fiery. I quite like it in a way. I'm quite enjoying the sensation of it. Yeah, I like it too. Feels like you're doing something. Yeah.

Do you crunch these? I wouldn't. But you can. I'm not crunching it, cause I don't think it'd be worse. But you can. I don't know. I don't like these sound effects.

That's the thing, isn't it? We're all sucking into the mic. That's a big one. It's like ASMR, like you like. Yeah? Oh, do you like that? Yeah. I wish I liked that.

Big time. Sort of 10 second countdown to him saying it's not a sexual thing. That's normally what he does. It's not sexual. God. Can I ask one thing? Is it?

Huh? Sexual. Huh? No, not at all. I just said it's not. I said it a minute ago. Okay. It's not sexual.

Do you know what I'm gonna go to? That's ASMR adjacent. There is an app called Headspace, the meditation app. And they have this thing called Sleepcast, where someone tells you a very boring story over like a white noise. Yeah.

You guys gotta check it out. Oh yeah? My favorite one. Yeah. Everyone gather around. There's almost like a fire pit. We're like, whoa. It's called Rainy Day Antiques.

And it's just this man being like, welcome to Rainy Day Antiques. And like his rain sounds. And he's like, come on in. It's amazing. It's kind of, and it's one that's ASMR. So lately being like, now don't get around us about me doing this.

He's a rock hard. He goes, welcome to the library. That was quite sexy. Do you think they know those people when they're recording those stories that they're gonna be played back to people to help them go to sleep? Or do you think they tell them

they're recording a really exciting story? Yeah, that's my point. Tell us your story about the Antiques. I imagine that it was not meant to be something else. Yeah. I would plug Headspace. Okay. Do you go on YouTube

when you watch girls brush their hair? Yeah. But look at me in the eyes. Is that what you do? I do. I actually don't do that. Why won't you make me eye contact? I do not do that.

Make me eye contact. Oh man. I actually like the male voice ASMRs. And I watch those ones, and it's a lot of the time. Just the girls. Oh my God, what a hero. You're the Medal of Honor.

I tell you why it's because I like the deep tones of it. It's more relaxing for me. I go to sleep Right look you've had your martini. You've got your steak. Can you tell? Um, yeah, I'm a big girl having a nice big steak, uh, how big? I mean No, nothing crazy because I wanted to really fine rich meat that I could only I could I really couldn't have more than a few bites It's too decadent. Yeah. Yeah, I love them. My mom is like, oh, it's too rich for me too rich I'd be like, what's that? Funnel of M&Ms down my throat

Love them M&Ms. Yeah. I like M&Ms. Uh, the peanut butter peanut butter. Oh, what? Yeah, so peanut butter not. Yeah, peanut butter peanut's good too I would also Say peanut butter But they're sort of exotic to us because they don't sell them in England You have to go to special shops that have illegally imported them from the US. You're all about the peanut M&Ms I like plain or peanut, but I get really excited when there's peanut I was going to say there's actually a specialty shop just around the corner from me that sells, um Only stuff you can get in England. Oh, it's very very cute very kinder been inside

But they have like like salad cream like whatever the fuck that is Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah It just highlights how awful we are food. Why yeah, of course. It's yeah It's mortifying salad that it's an especially shot of salad cream. Everyone has bo in there Yeah, there's a huge line out there. Everyone's gotta get their cream their s their sc their daily dose Oh, man, um, but it's a very cute little shop. So if you guys if you guys get homesick, please like go pop in and just Salad cream straight into the gob three days without my salad cream So what's your side dish with your steak? I keep thinking of the wave really in it

It's a restaurant a sort of around here that I really like that kind of has the vibe been describing And they have um for some reason this is boring but some reason they're like their steamed spinach with garlic is just so good You don't need to get something so plain, but you're like, what have they done to this? It's that kind of experience and with a steak. I feel like that'd be really nice So steamed as well not even like I'm not like drowned in butter. It might be sauteed. I don't actually know It's definitely like Really rich with lots of I love like whole cloves of garlic And I love like even if there's like a little like for some reason there's a little kick to it

I mean, there's like some red pepper flakes, but it's just like really Um good Really good if I can say that and then but I'd also want mac and cheese. It's like the best food. Are we gonna make you choose though? Well, I think you just decided on mac and cheese, right? The kind of mac and cheese and the mac and cheese if I'm allowed Sounds crazy I know I'm really great. I'm really yeah, that's why I'm asking you I'm giving you two sides honey. He broke them old

I love mac and cheese when it comes in a little boat, you know, it's a little boat little boat Yes, I don't think I've had mac and cheese in this little boat. Yeah, look at those dishes. It's like a little boat Oh, right. I'm imagining a natural boat. Yeah. Yeah, not a boat, right? Okay first feel a menu on others Yeah Little boat This is important. It's it's randomly penne. No one's all that coming And the top is like crispy and kind of hard and then when you get in it's like so hot that it hurts Yeah, yeah, that's really the stuff

So you you quite like stuff that you eat and then it just really burns your mouth quite intensely I actually do and also I'm a sauce girl like I like everything like over kind of like I love options. I love I just thought of something I wanted instead go on well, and I'm thinking Ultimately is that beyond a steak my favorite sandwich and the oh, I shot another sandwich my favorite Oh god, they exercise me. I um, there's a french dip at this place in houston called houston's and Uh, you know about a french tip. Mmm. No, oh really? So it's like super super thin sliced I guess it's like beef tenderloin. I don't know what it is or prime rib

It's like like stacked so high On this like gorgeous kind of like pretzel bun thing And then with this really creamy in the side You have a creamy horseradish sauce and then a like an au jus like a dip So you dunk the sandwich into like this kind of creamy sort of kick e bra A sauce and also the broth. So it's kind of this it's just wow So do you want that as your side dish to the steak? No, that's instead of the steak. Oh, that's instead of the steak Yeah, because it's a giant meat sandwich. Yes getting rid of the steak. I want to show you guys a picture

I'm getting emotional thinking about it. Yeah, I can't believe you haven't had this I thought you were going for an absolute baller move for putting a beef sandwich on the side of the steak Yeah, I love it. Yeah, really respect that. So hold on a second. You got the beef sandwich there from houston's Yeah, I'm just gonna show you how pictures we can really the french dip the side is the mac and cheese in the boat with the pen Yeah, and then they wheel me out on a fucking gurney. Yes Okay, no one in a million years thought I'd find myself on reddit right now And at least about me and I my until I died like I'm Stand by this. What is reddit? Don't tell me. I don't want to know

Look at the sandwich Also, you didn't say how nice those fries are they look very nice I like that thin really thin stringy fries. Oh reddit wants to know where I am It wants to show you notifications. You can just say block or allow there So that's your that's your main instead of the steak. We're going for the french dip sandwich from houston's Yeah, yeah with a mac and cheese boat. The thing about mac and cheese is often you find yourself kind of wanting a kick It's like a few bites. You're like, I want like a poblano pepper or something. Yeah The best I ever had was a wedding. Do you eat it? What do you mean? Like a mustardy kick. So I musted in the cheese sauce

I like that. Yeah, so just a hint of mustard. Love mustard. Hello, peanuts I had I was at this wedding. That's good. I sent out these trots of mac and cheese with jalapeños in them What sort of pig wedding? It's a big old pig wedding, but it was great. Do you know what I'm addicted to? One time my friends took house Crack I'm undressing What I'm addicted to is this time at my friend's lake house brag When what he went ahead and made was fucking from the box mac and cheese calm down

Chopped up hot dogs in it. I'm an all-american queen. I get rock hard for Higgs and blankets We should go on to your actual drink choice. Yeah, so the drink you got a bonus drink from this absolute soft touch over here Well, because we had a complaint, you know, you gotta you gotta appease the customer sometimes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I mean, if we're really having a nice meal, I'm probably gonna have more than one drink. Yeah. Yeah, sure It's the dream restaurant. Do you get drunk with your family? Yeah. Yeah, I get drunk with anyone. It's so fun, isn't it? Yeah Oh, it's great. It is good. Um, no, yeah, we're like a fun like we like to have parties and we're a fun group Can't we in your toilet? Yeah

It's his about he pissed his whole of my bathroom Wow, fuck me, right? Yeah, yeah, welcome to new york. My apartment's very for those listening It's a huge apartment, but I chose to have the bath Joe's is such a good podcast house that he will wait for guests to get halfway through saying something and they go Can I wear in your toilet? Are you not going yet? You're definitely gonna hear it. So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna have a sit-down week

Don't be I'm gonna sit down And then you won't be able to hear it as much. Well, that's you're a worse guest Now you've announced that you're gonna put your bad butt on her toilet What rubbing your arse on people's stuff Inside of respect going I I celebrate whatever you want to piss in my house is beautiful I respect you. So I'm gonna pull down my trousers and pants and rub my arse on it So beautiful to me. I'm gonna put on um, I'm gonna show you guys what I'm talking about in japan

Some of the toilets play music so no one can hear you go I would love to go to japan. You can pick the tune and everything. I would love you're really would just love to go to japan Um, you guys are gonna What we play if you've ever found yourself One evening wandering down a quiet street In the rain looking for somewhere to take shelter You'll know what a blessed relief it is To find such a place

As rain day and teams don't you love it? You're right james Right don't say a word the glass between the metal bars Is ever so slightly wavy this quaint little establishment Stays open 24 seven if you can believe it Is anyone else around? Wait, are you I actually have to pee is that the craziest thing you've ever heard in your life?

Well, as soon as you put on the rain day and take I know we're all I was I really need to pee as well No, why don't you're a guest you go. All right. I'll go first. Yeah, you go ahead. And then we'll all yeah I should have honey. We should have brought the toilet in here. Am I right? We all gotta go It's gonna do a really loud and proud one now and now tell me the sir is dominance is the alpha. Okay. I'll be right back Very cool Yeah, great actually. Oh, I'm looking if I hadn't gone first. I would have been a lot more relaxed about it I know Okay. Hey, what's up guys? Look everyone's everyone's we're back in the studio

Everyone's relieved themselves now. I feel like a new man Yes, I feel like I've let myself down. Why just a whole thing. Why do you feel guilty about having a piss? I should have just done it normally. I made such a big deal out of it You did but maybe that was about what was that really about? So scared about you know, what people thought of me. Yeah, but you know, no one thinks badly of you for having to urinate Yeah, but you know, I seriously like James. I do it all the time. I like to get like people Maybe maybe look at me and think I bet it's about it's silent every time. Yeah. Yeah, it comes out like a gas or something Yeah

Yeah We think badly of you because you watch videos of women brushing their hair on the internet I don't watch the boys women brushing their hair Oh, it's like many changing changing tires Stuff like that Oh my god, what's your drink? So I've had a martini. Well, the thing is if I hadn't had a martini my other favorite cocktails like a Manhattan Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, I love that like a sweet whiskey drink. Um, you ever drunk a Manhattan in Manhattan?

Oh, absolutely all the time. There's Barat or the corner. I love their Manhattan And I love their all they give you if you order all I'm sorry They give you this little balls and they put there's something about or they put orange on it or something It's a divine. So what's your drink with your meal? Yeah If I oh right. Well, you know what? I'd love I don't really love wine But what I got into lately is an orange wine. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah So I'd have that natural orange wine. Mm-hmm study D

Yeah, don't you mean? Yeah, that's what that's what they call I've recently got into natural wine as well I'm becoming very boring about it Because I just feel like just going I enjoy an orange wine It's not a good addition to any conversation when people are trying to have a nice time Yeah, but I it is cool It is cool. I don't know enough about it. Do you know anything about it? I like no I like that it it's natural processes and sometimes it looks weird And some people don't like it because it tastes like a farmyard floor and quite cidery kombucha. Yeah

I think it doesn't some usually wine gives me a headache and I do find that it doesn't give me a It's less alcoholic natural wine. Okay. I hate it. Yeah I'm like why have I been funding $17 on it? Yeah, I think it hovers around like 10 11 percent some of it and then What's normal wine like 14 14? Yeah And also the yeah, the processes are more natural. So I think it's got like less soul fight soul fights and stuff So it's are you really healthy? No, no, not particularly Are you guys fitness reeks? Ed is I'm not. Oh, yeah, don't be weird. I went to the gym this morning Ed goes five times a week

If you're traveling in the first morning you go to gym, I'd say that qualifies as fitness reeks, which I celebrate Is there one in the hotel? There's one across the road from the hotel. I bought some new trainers today So I can go to the gym of Ed not these ones. I've got on now that you're looking at I'm not looking at you look straight at my trainer This is a call out culture is extremely toxic Now we come to my favorite course The dessert are you a sweet tooth? I've got a sweet tooth. Yeah, I prefer a starter. Yeah, I'm a favorite girl. Yeah What's your favorite dessert?

Um dessert I am an absolute whore for a chocolate molten lava cake with vanilla ice cream on it. Yeah Yeah, I mean you I mean there is another answer than that because for me it once again It's the hot and the cold. Yeah, it's the hot and the cold again. I've never told you all what cold cheese is Oh, yeah, we just you don't give a shit But what it is is when they give you I do care now It's this place in Long Island that give you a piping hot Fresh cheese slice and they grab a fistful of cold mozzarella and they throw it on

And then when you bite into it, it's like this crazy Sensual experience of like the hot and the cold melting as you eat it. It's delicious. Hold on What's the cheese slice then because back home in England a cheese slice would be just a slice of cheese No, no pizza with tomato and cheese. Thank you I think that I I don't know if I'd like that or not I didn't think I would but it was cool because it's like they've panicked And not put enough cheese on and just at the last minute just thrown someone I think the myth is that someone came in and they were so hungry. They had to eat the pizza right away

But they didn't want to burn the roof of their mouth like we'll toss some cold cheese on it and then And you're safe I remember being taught in a school assembly when I was a child in primary school still Uh, so I was at seven or some shit and the the head teacher told me if you didn't do your catchphrase there What what's that? What are you seven? What am I seven? In England Where chips are called crisps fuck off

Hey, could you fuck off? Right, so, um, mr. Brown, you know mr. Brown. No head teacher at st. Andrew's St. Andrew's primary school Oh Now yes, of course brown. Yeah gets up. I mean, this is the whole assembly is yours Once back in the 20s or something a man went into a diner and he ordered, uh, some chips which is

You call them fries up And the chef makes them and he brings them out and they send them out and the guy's like these aren't crisp enough I want them crisper. He sends them back He cooks them for a bit longer. He sends them back out again. He goes until not crisp enough I want them crisper than this and this goes on for ages the whole assembly with it But I was his back and forth and every time the the chips came out He said these aren't crisp enough. I want them crisper and eventually the guy was like so angry with this customer That he put them in there for ages and they sent it back out again

And the waiter said the chef says you want them crisp. You got them crisp and then that's how crisps are invented Because he made it he put the chips so far in the fire for so long That they just got so thin that they were like potato chips as you would call them And uh, and that's how crisps are invented because he said you want them crisp You got them crisp and that was a whole assembly Sure sucks James and it's so moved What was that? Well

We were talking about the also the origin story of of cold cheese cold cheese and it reminded me of the origin story of crisps But do you hear how Catherine Catherine did her Origin story was Apparently someone didn't want to burn the roof of their mouth because they were so hungry to put the cold cheese on Bang done in and out. You're very long and also the worst story to tell in America because Chips mean crisps and crisps been Yeah, well, it's the worst episode to have to tell it on because I had to translate it as I went along Oh, I should I shouldn't I really shouldn't be here

I shouldn't have been here for that. I really shouldn't have been here for that. Well, it wasn't right Some things are sacred. Except in the responsibilities Chirps and dorsches goops and loops. Y'all know here we call goops loops You called goops like Modern secret Where in New York does the best molten lava cake with vanilla ice cream? Yeah, um, I don't know but what I do know actually is that last weekend when we all went to the smith we My clique, um, I got a hot fudge sundae there and that was great. Yeah, that was really good

But that's not what you asked. No, but it's part of my story I'm weaving a tapestry that is my life. Um, I don't know where you get molten cake, but it's a classic Please please please do not slide into my dms. Please tell me where can I grow a gallant cake in New York? Okay, so I'm in a major order back to you now see how you feel about it Uh, you would like, um sparkling water in the hydro flask drum Um, you you would like, uh, hot cheesy puff bread You would like a dirty martini with ice on top and uh, free olives in it

It would come out before your starter You would like the burrata for the starter with some fresh tomatoes, uh, like in a like heritage Different colors with some basil funky shapes basil or basil Thank you You're really assimilating Um, main course french dip sandwich from houston's Side mac and cheese in a little boat Penelope and cheese drink natural orange wine

Kill me Because uh, chocolate ball in lava cake with vanilla ice cream. Yeah, that sounds great. How do you feel about that? I feel it sounds wonderful. I just I wish I knew what you guys were having Oh, no, we have the same don't we james is the waiter. So he just eats over the bin in the kitchen. Yeah Thank you very much for coming to the dream restaurant. It was his best time my entire life. Thank you so much And There we have it Oh

What a great start to our new york excursion What a great start. It was the first one we recorded in new york We didn't know what to expect and it was such a wonderful welcome to the large apple the large large apple Thank you. Kevin and thank you for not saying the bubble tea that was so scared of thank you so much That would have made me feel sick even if I just had to imagine it Yes, I'll have loved it though. So it's a special. Thank you to kathryn. We're now going to plug A number of her projects and why not kathryn has a podcast

With a comedian called pat reagan It is called seek treatment It's about sex but sexual intercourse Also, she's coming to london British Isles to perform her solo show the twist. She's gorgeous And what's it called james? It's called that twist. She's gorgeous. Please just having a bit of fun with you That's a bush. Did it get me in trouble? That's a bush hall in shepherd's bush on march 11th and 12th Although tickets are looking scarce. You better get on it right now. You better get on it

She's a very popular comic and rightly so. Hey james. Thanks for another wonderful episode of the off menu podcast Thank you ed and bonito See you next time little buddy You Hello, it's me Amy glad to you might remember me from the best ever episode of off menu where spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato and Our relationship's never been the same since and I am joined by me and smith. I would probably go bread

I'm ugly. I'm not gonna spoil In case get him on james and ed, but we're here sneaking in to your Podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called northern news It's about all the new stories that we've missed out from the north because look we're two northerners sure But we've been living in london for a long time. The new stories are funny quite a lot of them crimes It's all kicking off and that's a new podcast called northern news We'd love you to listen to maybe we'll get my mum on get glills mum on every episode. That's not the news When's it out? Ian? It's already out now. Amy. Is it? Yeah get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late