Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 52: Sara Pascoe

Episode Date: April 1, 2020

Is the dream restaurant dog-friendly? It is now, as Sara Pascoe wants to bring her pooch for her magical meal.Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive Productions.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Sara Pascoe’s book ‘Sex Power Money’ is out now, and listen to her podcast of the same name.Follow Sara Pascoe on Twitter: @sarapascoeFollow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy, now. Please? Ooh, this podcast looks delicious. Could you grate some extra humor over the top? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast. It's Ed Gamble here. James A. Caster here, laughing at Ed's intro. What a good intro. I do them for you, really, James. Yeah, well, absolutely. You never get anything off my knees. I look at them. So we're here back again in the Dream restaurant with another special guest. And what are we

going to be asking the special guest, James? We'll be asking them how their day has been. Also, we'll be asking them what their favourite ever starter, main course, dessert, side dish and drink are. We will be doing all of those things. We always ask the guest how their day is, but we'll just cut that out at the beginning. Yes, we often do that before the podcast starts. Before the podcast starts. I don't want anyone thinking that they sit down and we don't say anything until the recording starts.

We always ask them how their day has been, how they're doing. Yeah, we have a general chat, but we don't include that because it's not food themed. And our special guest this week, who we will be asking how their day is, who their day is. Who's your day? How's your day? Why's your day? Where's your day? Sarah Pascoe. Sarah Pascoe. That's who the special guest is. Very exciting to have Sarah Pascoe here. A wonderful comedian, author and famous VEGZ. She is a famous VEGZ. Will she be VEGZ in the VEGZ restaurant?

Restaurant is what I'm talking about. Oh, VEGZ is short for restaurant, is it? Regal restaurant. Regal, the Reg's res. I don't know if she'll be VEGZ in the restaurant, but there's one thing that if she says it in her famous dream meal, then she will be removed from the restaurant. One ingredient that if she says it, she will be out on her ass. And what will that ingredient be today, James? Salmon skin.

Salmon skin. Now, I know she's VEGZ, but sometimes VEGZ do stray from being VEGZ. And I think it'd be really fun to really punish her for that. Yes, absolutely. So if she says salmon skin, and I'm not talking about crispy salmon skin, I'm talking about when you get maybe a salmon steak or salmon fillet and it's got the skin still on it and they've not made any efforts to crisp it up and it's all globby. So globby, old skin on the bottom.

It tastes like skin. Yeah, horrible. You have to peel the meat off it. It's awful. You feel like something out of Texas chainsaw massacre. It's just not, none of it's nice. And if that's still on her plate, she picks salmon, then already the VEGZ are going to be angry, but then we're like, there's skin on that.

And look, she might pick salmon because I get a lot of people saying, why haven't you had a vegan on yet? Sure. And I have to point out, we've had lusand, it's not our fault she picked mussels. Yeah, it's not our fault she picked mussels and then also every other food in the world. Yeah, so lusand is as vegan, she picked mussels. So salmon skin, possibly Sarah's going to say it. So let's listen to the off menu menu of Sarah Pasco.

Sarah Pasco, welcome to the dream restaurant. Hello. Hello. Thank you for having me. Welcome, Sarah Pasco. Good to see you. Now, if you don't know, James is the waiter in the dream restaurant. But he's on fire.

He's on fire because he is a genie. Oh, wow. You can get you any food from any time, any place, anywhere in the world. I'm not the only customer in the restaurant. You are the only, unless you want other people there. Can I bring my puppy? Yeah. You can bring your puppy.

Great. So it's me, Ed, my puppy and a genie. Yeah. Yes. But I don't even have to be here. I can just be in and out. No, I want you to be here as well. Okay, cool.

Because I'm a genie, if you like, the puppy can talk. Up to you. I'm very scared of what he'd say. Don't, don't, don't, don't with him. Yeah. I think if most puppies could talk, they'd probably say, you're a bit, you're a bit much. Yeah. Leave me alone.

I'm trying to sleep. It's nice, but I need some alone time. Yeah. You've got a very cute puppy I've seen. He's very cute. On social media. Yeah. Because it's puppy.

And he's pretty adorable. Yeah. And he'd be a really great company at the restaurant. Do you think? Yeah, I think so, yeah. What sort of things would he do that make him a great restaurant company? And he'd really wag his tail every time a course came out. Like really like, oh, what's this, what's this?

And then I think that would really boost the chef's confidence. Yes. Like even before the puppy tasted it, he was excited. Yeah. Because you only want a smaller dish for your puppy, a serving for your puppy as well. So. I think so. And people, I know it's an empty restaurant, but people really kind of don't like dogs

eating from the table. I've noticed. But this is, look, this is the dream restaurant. Dream restaurant. If you and your puppy sat on the table or on a little chair. Yeah. All of us on the floor in baskets. Yeah.

Do you want to be on the floor? Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, I didn't consider that. But yeah. Do you want to be on the floor? Absolutely. You can have whatever.

It's a big basket and we're all on the floor. Yeah. Perfect. That's nice. And when we, when we ask you for your dream starter main side dessert and drink. Yeah. Would you like your puppy to have the same or will you be choosing an extra one? He'll like, he'll like some meat.

Yeah. And I don't want any meat. Because you're a vegan. I'm a vegan. Yeah. But he would, he would. He only really eats meat. Right.

Yeah. Okay. So he would just love just some chicken. Okay. Every course. Every course. Yeah. But a chicken.

Have you tried to feed him any vegan things? No, I haven't. No. No. I mean, you must get this sometimes. Some angry vegans were messaging me daily about it and how I should just feed him a vegan diet. And it's very healthy for dogs or cats or whatever.

Okay. Yeah. Some people argue, but he likes meat. Sure. Yeah. It's dog. Yeah. It's his, it's his choice.

Yeah. Sure. If he grows up and decides to be a vegan. Yeah. I would expect his wishes. Comes up to your wonder. Yeah. Is that like, like vegan pet food?

Like specifically comes up? Yes. Yeah. There are. All kinds of things, like gluten and fish and all kinds of things like that. So there is vegan for health reasons and some for ethical reasons. Not your own. What's quite good about dogs though, and actually this might be useful for your restaurant,

is they can eat all of the bits of animals that people don't want to eat. So in a way, they eat all of the awful and. They polish it up. Bits of horses and stuff. Yeah. So none of it goes to waste. Exactly. Exactly.

Yeah. Yeah. The hooves. The hooves. So there's, there's you and you, when you say want to be basket, are you all in the same basket? Me, Ed and the puppy in the basket. Yeah.

The genies floating above. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because he's at work. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm at work. Yeah. Don't launch around in the basket. Yeah. There's nothing worse than a waiter sitting with you. It's so uncomfortable. Yeah.

I don't really like them talking. Is that bad? Not you, but when they just, they try and ask how you are. Yeah. It's so hard. You prefer just a silent waiter walking over to you and then you say the order. I like, I like what you get in, you know, like a ping pong. You just do it for the pencil on the menu and just hand it in.

That is good. I really like that. Yeah. There's another place. Bow. Have you been to bow before? No. That does that system.

Diting Fong does that system as well. It's great. It's great. All in a list. You just tick next to what you want. And then if you're talking to someone, the conversation isn't interrupted. It doesn't feel rude. You talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk about what you want to eat, pass it over.

Oh, wonderful system. I feel much less shame ordering too much in that scenario as well. Absolutely. Like I put three in the box. I don't even care. Just hand it in. Yeah. Yeah.

They can go away and judge you in a different room. Yeah. It's fine. I don't think restaurants judge you on how much food you eat. No. I look for them looking at me like I've ordered too much. Oh, really? Quite often if it's like a small plate situation, I just keep ordering until I can see the waiter's

face go like change it or like his eyes widen. I'll be like, I'm going to stop there. Oh, really? Isn't that interesting? Because what I have is, because I'm newly wealthy, I love to order too much. She's like, might not eat it. Oh, yeah. I might just want you to bring it to me now.

Yeah. I don't like it when the waiter basically doesn't talk to you the whole night. And then right at the end when they give you the card machine and you put your card in and then it's like going, I've been having fun after this. You're looking like a pretty fun guy. Yeah. That's what we fun planned. And then you're kind of like, oh, that was nice of them.

And then you look at the screen and it says, do you want to add a tip? You're like, you motherfucker. Yeah. Do you ever call them on it? I know what you're doing. I wish I was brave enough to be like, oh, now you're my friend. Yeah. Well, this has come up on the screen.

You're coming clubbing with us. He's 12 pounds to spend when you get there. Right. So we always start with choice of two waters, steel or sparkling. So can I only have one? You can only have one. And it's for me and the puppy because he won't like sparkling water. So I'm going to get still water.

No. But if you want sparkling. I'm going to allow you. What's that? You can have sparkling. We will give the puppy doesn't have to have exactly what you have. Okay. Great.

Honestly, I think sparkling then. Yeah. Yeah. I think everyone would ask us, I mean, it's such a luxury. What a lovely sacrifice you were going to make for your puppy there. Yeah. What would happen to a puppy? I hope he's listening.

Yeah. Yeah. I think he appreciates that. What would happen to a puppy if they drank sparkling water? I imagine as someone who has to pick up his feces, there would be nothing noticeable, but I'd pay for it the next day. Right. Okay.

Yeah. It would make it sparkling. Yeah. Fizzy poo. Yeah. Turn the feces into fizzies. Fizzies. Yeah.

Yeah. Is that right? Fizzies. Yeah. Yeah. You've made it sound much better. Yeah. I enjoy picking it up now.

That bubbling. Because of the word play. But you, so you've got sparkling. Yeah. Puppies got still. Yeah. Probably a little slice of lime in there. And yours or the puppies?

Mine. Yours. The puppy wouldn't like the lime, would it? No. It finds the lime. Yeah. If you put a slice of lime in a puppy's water dish, do you think the puppy would immediately go for the lime?

Because it's just, I want to find out what that is. Yeah. Novelty. Absolutely. But then, and it's really sweet if he eats something that he doesn't. Because he eats a lot off the floor actually. And so first thing is put it in your mouth. And the next thing is do I like the taste of this?

And actually watching him go, I don't think I do enjoy the sweet flavor. It's quite adorable. Yes, it is quite cute, isn't it? Yeah. Citrus flavors especially, I think would. Very tangy, I think. I mean, there's a lot of videos on YouTube of babies eating lemons for the first time, which I'd recommend that as a video stream, because the faces they make are absolutely

hilarious. It's like they've been tricked for the first time. I like it when they're in tunnels and it goes dark and then light again. It's the best time to watch a baby. Is that another YouTube compilation? Oh, there's loads of them. It also doesn't matter what the baby is, they will all react in the same way to be like, where's the sun?

Oh my God, it's so bright. Babies are quite thick, so it's quite funny to see them react to stuff. If I ever have a baby, I'm going to film it as we go into a tunnel and give it a lemon. Yeah. And then just see. And then turn its cockle at your ear. That's the close though. It just comes out.

Everything happened at once. That's a guaranteed viral hit. And then I could just get rid of the baby, I guess, put it up for sale or something. I don't need it after that. It's a famous baby if you're selling it. Oh yeah, so it's going to make a lot of money. I've done all that stuff. So it's about to be used for the puppy.

It's pleased. Do you want still water from a bottle for the puppy or just tap water? Tap water. Just tap water. Yeah. But that would also be if that was a human. That's not because I don't think puppies deserve bottled water. I think tap water is absolutely fine in a restaurant.

And do you see still bottled water as a scam, as a con? No, not as a con. Not as a con. Just an unnecessary expense. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm always tap. Yeah.

I'm tapped to that. Something about tap water in restaurants, they put ice in it. It's nice. I wouldn't drink from the tap at home. Yeah. Would you not drink from the tap at home? No. I've got a Brita filter.

So you put the tap water in there and then comes out. I've never used a Brita filter. I'm fine with the... Are you? Straight from the taps. It depends so much on your pipes. It really does. It really does.

I say that a lot. And also North and South London. It makes a big difference because of the soil. Oh, really? Yeah. To you, North London? Yeah. See, I'm South.

Oh, delicious water. I'm moving North. So am I going to have to bring a Brita filter with you? Oh, no. I wouldn't drink that tap for you. I'd be really interested if you do notice a difference. Your kettle will get much more limescaly. Oh, God damn it.

I knew I shouldn't have... But there's benefits to North London as well. Sure. What are the benefits though? Because at the moment you just... And hamster teeth? You can go to the teeth. I suppose I could swim in the ponds.

Swim in the ponds? God damn, I'm scared in there. Don't drink the water. Don't drink the ponds. The very limescay in the ponds. Pop it up, it's all bread. Pop it up, it's all bread, Sarah. Pop it up, it's all bread.

Pop it up, it's all bread. This is the bit I knew was going to happen. Absolutely bread. Absolutely bread. Absolutely bread. Yeah, I've known you. Absolutely bread. I've known you to turn up at gigs with loaves of bread once you turned up.

Once, once I did. But it has happened, you know why? Yeah, it was very nice. Again, as I say, I'm newly wealthy and there's a loaf of bread that costs nearly five pounds. It's so nice. Yeah. And I was going to do a gig. It was such a lovely line up.

You know, it's so... Like where do you go? Oh my God, I get to actually see my friends and I think it was a charity gig. So we were like helping survivors of traumatic assaults and seeing my friends. Yeah. So I thought, I'll get Tim and James, a nice loaf of this. I spent nine pounds and two loaves of bread and then took it to my friends. You bought them a loaf of bread?

Yeah. But it didn't look like that much. It just looks like a sliced loaf of bread. And I said, it's really great. And then your flatmate said the next day, didn't they? Yeah. A nice bread it was. And they didn't even know that I'd bought it specially.

I kept doing it immediately because like they got up and helped themselves and breader were like, where did you get this? This is amazing. Right. Like Sarah and I, instantly a hit in the fire. Do they help themselves to the bread? Well, that's just a thing in our flat. Communal bread.

Yeah. Also, I think I'm normally with loads of bread. I'm like, I'm not going to eat that all before it all goes moldy. So I've always had the blanket roll. It helped yourself to whatever. What a great flatmate James must be. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm living on my own now though. Oh. So I've said that stuff to myself. Keeping all the bread to yourself. Now I'm just like eating bread like a madman. Still communal bread. Freezing some of it sometimes, end of the loaf. Sure.

Actually, Joe, what? I don't think sometimes Ben gets annoyed with me for saying like born stories or born like that. Called him Ben as well. Benito. Apologies. And what I'm about to say is probably really going to take him off. But since I've lived on my own, I've never ever bought a loaf of bread.

What's boring about that? That's a bomb show. Yeah. Yeah. You're pretty interesting. How long have you lived? How long since you've bought a loaf of bread? A year.

Yeah. You've had bread. Yeah. But I haven't bought it. But you just eat it on the way home, right? Yeah. Sure. It's all on the way home.

You're like a duck where people just throw it. Yeah. Yeah. I just gobble it down. Yeah. So is this special five pound loaf of bread? Is this the bread you'd like with your dream meal? I'd actually really love to have that.

Yeah. And where is this bread from? Okay. You can get it at Whole Foods. Mm-hmm. But it's from a chain called Paul's. Okay. And it's a sourdough, but it tastes like white bread and it's sliced.

So it's sourdough farmhouse. Look, guys. And now if you're listening to this at home, going four pounds, 50 for a loaf of bread, that's ridiculous. Just clutch together with your friends. Making a few cheese sandwiches. And then you go, oh my God, it's amazing. And because it's sourdough, it's low GI, which means that if you have problems with your

sugar levels, like your type 2 diabetic or something, it's a good bread. Yes. I mean, it was delicious. I also, I think that week I kept on trying it with different stuff because I was like, I want to get the most out of this exciting bread. Yeah. It's exciting bread. So there's loads of different spreads on it, sandwiches, some on its own, toasted it.

And in your experimentation, what was the best thing to go on the bread? I, Joe, what? Oh, thank you. I think it's often the way, with stuff that's just like, naturally, just quite delicious anyway. I just liked it toasted with some butter on it. I think that is the best way to have bread, actually. If the bread's good, you don't need to add anything to it.

If the bread's good and you like the butter, there's a really good vegan butter. I'm not vegan anymore. Sorry, I kept looking at you then. Drop that bombshell on you. You also looked at me when you said type 2 diabetic. I didn't want to look at Ed. So in type 1, it's so different. Yes, yes.

So, but you don't have to be vegan to enjoy really tasty things. True, but I just wanted to let you know early doors. Yes, in case I kept saying. In case you kept referencing me, but I'll just let you know. That's not the case anymore. You can eat some of the dog's chicken. It's absolutely fine. You could have sprinkled it on your meal, yeah.

Yeah, perfect. Yeah, it's a really good one anyway. So you would like hen-hat, hen-hat, hen-hat? Is that how you would like it just with butter? Yeah, toasted with butter. Toasted with butter. Yeah, with this vegan block. It's called it's solid and it tastes just like the-

Vegan block. Yeah, great. Vegan block. Yeah, bread and butter. Mm-hmm. So you're starter. We come to the starter now. Yeah.

The first of the big ins. Yeah, okay. All right. I really like Wagamama. Do you like Wagamama? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what?

I'll be up and on in a second. I loved it at first. I went off of it. Oh. But then the last meal I had at Wagamama, because my parents wanted to go, in Lemington Spa. Oh, yeah. They giggled there.

They came along. And they won me back. What did you order? They won me round again. So they've got some new dishes on there now. Yeah. And like, had some nice beefy stuff. They've got some good new dishes.

So. I mean, in terms of like restaurants that are in every kind of town center. Yeah. I think they're a really good chain restaurant. Yeah. I think they were, were they like one of the first chains to really up their vegan game as well? Them and Pretamange.

Basically, but big companies who could afford to. Yeah. Because I think they knew that it would also pay off. And if things taste really good, it doesn't matter to people. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. On plant-based. But Wagamama have a yasaiitami.

And the soup of it is just the nicest balance of that coconutty, creamy sauce, but also a little bit of chilli, little bit of lime, Hakchoy. And I don't ever eat the noodles. I just want the soup bit for my starter. Right. So that's why I think about this restaurant is the genie can go like, no noodles. Don't make it a full meal. Sure.

Just have the delicious juice. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. So you want just the juice soup? Yeah. The yasaiitami. The juice of the soup.

Yeah. This is great because this is someone using the dream restaurant concept to its fullest. Yeah. And separating out something. Yeah. Get those noodles out. Yeah. And just the juice of the soup.

Yeah. And you don't want to replace the noodles with anything. You don't want to like go to another chain and pick something out of there and put it in the soup. No. No. Because I'm going to have it separate because it's three courses. Yeah.

Sure. You've got three courses. Yeah. Do you remember the first time you went to Wagamama? I think it was pretty late on, you know. I don't think I was hitting up Wagamama early doors. I remember it felt so newfangled. Yeah.

The kind of place where someone else, I went there with someone else's parents and his parents didn't want to sit near other people. Oh, no. What is this? What are these long benches? Yeah. It's a real shock. Yeah.

And then it was too spicy for them and we had to leave. Oh, really? Get to leave? Yeah. I think that was... It was a bit like Lamington Spa. We were in... It was in Kent, but because of the tea.

Tumbridge Wells? Tumbridge Wells. Tumbridge Wells, Wagamama. It is a bit like Lamington Spa. Yeah. I did a gig in Tumbridge Wells once supporting Jenny Eclair and it is the hardest death I have ever had in my life. It's a place to die, Tumbridge Wells.

It was like a pure silence. Yeah. 20 minutes of pure silence and I couldn't see any of them. Yeah. So when I came off, I was like, is there anyone there? Is there anyone there? Yeah, that would be such a funny prank. Yeah.

You're going to do it to an empty room. This is very interesting, the story from Ed, because we had Jay Rainer on the podcast. Oh, yeah. And as his dessert, he'd chosen Eclair. Yeah. And Ed said he doesn't like Eclairs and now I think we've got to the root of it. Of course we have. As a psychologist, you like Jenny, but you had a bad experience.

Yeah. And Jenny Eclair was a person. So you're thinking about Eclairs on stage the whole time and now you can't eat Eclairs anymore? Of course you can't. I also supported her at Bath Comedia and they didn't like it. That's why you never have a bath. That's why you're such an exciting boy.

He doesn't like Eclairs. You just think he's a little bastard. He's stinking all around in the dog bed. And it was very warm and there were some flies in the venue and it was going so badly that the fly landed on the microphone and you could hear the fly. And then I went, oh, imagine if you could hear what the fly was thinking through the microphone. And then I went, it's not going very well. That's funny.

Yeah. They didn't enjoy that either. It's really funny. Absolutely. You had to be a service humor. Your favourite thing to do is to imagine what animals were saying. I should be the only person in both of your gigs. Just like laughing.

I've never seen you say in the past go, look at an animal and not immediately either say what it's thinking, do an impression of it talking or talk to it like it's a person going, what are you doing? What's going on? I mean, like as if he's an old friend. I was thinking that on the way here. And the odd thing about having the dog living with me now is actually I'm doing it a lot less, especially because he chases the birds.

He chases, he's very sweet in the garden. Something that flies upwards. He thinks he can fly too. He doesn't know yet. So butterflies and bees. So we sort of launch himself up with them. I don't know. It's so lovely.

So you don't talk to it. Not as much. I mean, I imagine when you first saw him, you were talking a lot to him. He and I talk. I mean, with lots of animals. All the other animals being chased away so you can't. When you say he and I talk. Yeah.

I mean, I talk to him. Right. Yeah. My puppy trainer says that we've got bad codependency issues because I had to get a puppy training because whenever I had a bath, I've never had a bad gig there. He just sits there and he just looks at me and just barks at me really. It's the only time you just go barking, barking, barking. So I've got a puppy trainer to deal with behavioural stuff.

And she said, oh, is that the only time you're not playing with him? And I was like, yeah. And then so I've got to ignore him sometimes. Oh, wow. To get him used to the cold shoulder. That's tough. Really hard. How's that going?

I'm lying to the puppy trainer. Yeah. I'm like, yeah, blanked him all day. Baths are easy now. Don't worry about that. Just get him in with me. Yeah. Yeah.

So your main course, Sarah Pascoe. Yeah. Here we go. So that's a lovely soup. Love it. Yeah. What's going to come after? So now I'm going for another chain restaurant.

This is that thing actually. I think it's about being a comic. It's because we do gig all over the place. If you love something from somewhere, especially as a vegan, have this gratitude. Leon have a love burger and it's vegan. It has vegan cheese and it has vegan mayonnaise and it's got all the stuff of a normal burger rather than like you're missing something. And they're so nice.

The first time I had one, I cried halfway through because it was going to finish. I was just so happy that it existed. And it existed somewhere where I can get one everywhere now. And now I have a rule. I do not pass a Leon without getting one. That's difficult in central London. It's eating a lot of burgers. That's how you show corporate gratitude.

So you always have to go in and get a love burger. Yeah. What is it about? So I've never had a love burger. Okay. So also I haven't had a non-vegan burger for a long time. So you do forget what things taste like. But the really great thing about, especially if you want like fast food,

it's the condiments, it's the gherkins, the cheese, the mayonnaise, the lettuce. It's the whole thing rather than just the patty. I think love burger is a combination between a very, very meaty tasting patty. Right, yeah. Everything else just being like a big Mac. Kind of like it's delicious. Yeah. I find it with a lot of the best vegan food I've had.

It's like the sauce is better than any sauce I've had on any meat dish. Yeah. There's a fried chicken place in Hackney called Temple of Satan. And again, I haven't had normal fried chickens. Unless people are very patronising to vegans. So they sit there going, yeah, it's so tasty. But the way that they've flavoured the batter is just like they put the effort in. Yeah, which is like, I think so many places like that's the...

It's a bit of a cheat code now. Go get the vegan option, the veggie option, because like the flavours are... It has to be. I was in much more of a buyer and I've just started doing the impossible burger. Oh yeah. And I had one the other night, absolutely phenomenal. You can really recreate just the taste of like, because it's properly charred and it really tastes like a British barbecue burger.

Really, really delicious. Yeah, so Tesco was selling those burgers. You can buy two for yourself and it is if you do. If you grill them right, they're amazing. Yeah. I'd like to bring out an impossible burger but make it impossible to eat. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Imagine that.

Imagine if it was all made of plastic and it was like... Orally, orally. That's what I meant by impossible battle up. Yeah, or a really hard crossword you have to do to get it unlocked to the packet. Yeah, and there's lasers. So you just watch it rot inside and you can't do the crosswords. There's criss-cross lasers moving around it and stuff like that. You've got to get through the lasers.

Yeah, or just the person at the till has a riddle. Yeah. And so you can't even pay for it. If you're really good. Quite a high price point on those with all the lasers and stuff. So impossible financially. But because everything's self-service now, you do need something for the staff to do or they're going to lose their jobs.

So I think riddles is perfect. Riddles is a good one, isn't it? Yeah. Ah, I see you are buying the impossible burger. Yeah. They've all got to grow like long stashes that they can twiddle as well when they do the riddles for you because of the water. I don't buy it.

Yeah. And what are those really sticks with the bendy bits at the top? Crooks. They're like bang them on the floor. Yeah. Yeah. Wrong again. You've got to go back to the end of the conveyor belt.

Yes. And then from behind you it's like, ah, it's so easy. And then they get there and actually the stress of it, the pressure, when you're actually at the front of the till, you can't go. And they change the riddle. Yeah. They're great. It's all a riddle at one point.

If you do get the riddle right. Yes. You may buy the impossible burger. And then they have to go. Do you have a nectar point? Yeah. Do you have a nectar point? Yeah.

And like just do all that. Yes. The rest of the normal stuff. Yeah. The batch of ice peas. It's a £30 limit on contactless. Yeah. Which is such a silly rule.

It is a silly rule. Yes. Apple pay is up to £100. No, but not in Tesco. Not in Tesco. That's the stupid rule. Yeah. Why is it?

Why do they have that rule? They think they're special. They just try to stand out in the supermarket game. Yes. It's annoying. Is it just because in these days, if someone nicks it, if someone's going on an absolute spree, you can't nicked it because it's a fingerprint over 30. With Apple pay, it's your fingerprint, no matter how much you're paying.

Oh, is it? Which is why it can go up to 100. So I haven't done that. You haven't done it? No. How are you paying for things? How are you paying for things to the government? That's what I went to.

If the government want your fingerprint, so get them. Oh, yeah. Actually, I think I gave them lots of kids. It's fingerprint to get into Universal Studios as well in Florida. They take your fingerprint and then you can get in different things like that. And I was there with a friend who's quite sort of a bit of a hippie and quite sort of wary of the government. She was going, I'm not taking my fingerprint, they're going to give it to the government.

But she said all that while she was, you know, putting her fingerprint in and then getting on a ride. She was complaining. You're like, ah, have the best time of her life. Yeah. What's in the actual patties? Do you know what the patty is made of? I think most vegan food is, they call it something like texturized soya, which is amazing how

many things they can make from that little bean. But often it's just gluten. Yeah. Like the fried chicken and stuff, it's just very, very strong. Gluten is so glowy that actually if you get enough of it together, it's quite chewy. Chewy and meaty. And you can flavour it. Yeah.

It almost turned into a little poem there. Did I? Yeah. All the gluten together is quite glowy. And when you put it all together, it can be quite chewy. Chewy. And then the third line is the riddle. Yeah.

And if you want one, what will you do it? I love what will you do it? What will you do it? What will you do it? Very good riddle. Yeah. It's a good riddle. So, I mean, that's a very nice.

And I also, I maybe have never seen you eat a burger. Did you want to mime it for you now? I just don't think of you as a burger person. Well, because there's never been a good one before. Yeah, yeah. I once had, I was at Port Elliot Literary Festival. Yeah. Years and years ago.

Yeah. With Joel Domet and George Ryegold. Yeah, Toby. And Toby. And we thought we were buying regular burgers. But we weren't. Literary burgers. There was a port about a mushroom with some salami.

Oh, but this is an outrage when they call it a burger. I can feel it. I once bought a cauliflower steak. Yes. And I was imagining they've made a steak. Unbelievable. And it's not, it's a slice of fucking cauliflower on the plate for 12 pounds. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's an outrage. It's the same as a steak. Yeah. It's just, yeah. It's like, don't use the word steak really nearly. It's really, did they ask you if you wanted it medium rare? They didn't. They didn't.

No. So I had no one to even complain about. You've got a slice of cauliflower for delivery. How quickly did that delivery driver run away after handing you the box? He knew where he was up to. And then he looked and he went, soccer. Was that the end of your story, by the way? Yeah.

Well, there wasn't really much else to it. I mean, for the rest of the day, because it was Joel Domet, Joel kept on going. He got a silly voice and singing, I thought it was a burger, but it wasn't mushroom. I don't really make me laugh all day, so he kept on doing it. But I couldn't look at Sarah while I sang that because I felt really silly. Oh, I think it's a really lovely story. What sauce is in the love burger? Sauce is in the love burger.

I believe there's two. I think they have a burger sauce, which is, you know, like a burger sauce, like the pinky one. And then I think there's ketchup as well. But if not, it's mayonnaise and ketchup. Burgersauce is a mixture of ketchup and mayonnaise. Is that what it is? Or is that island dressing? No, I think...

That salad cream, yeah. The other sauce is a mixture of... Mary Rose was that. That's the one that's salad cream and ketchup. Okay. Yeah. Which is mind-blowing. Yeah, yeah, very nice.

Isn't it? Who thought that up? And Tabasco, right? You put some Tabasco in there. Oh, do you? It's a Mary Rose. Oh, yeah. Really?

Wouldn't you? Maybe in, like, fancy places. I've never had it like that before. That's quite nice. Let's get that throne back in my face. Maybe in one of your fancy places. Maybe at Hogwarts. Your side dish to go with this love burger.

Mmm. I say I wouldn't normally order a side dish. Mmm. I mean, it feels extravagant, doesn't it? I don't think it has to feel extravagant. You don't think it has to feel extravagant. I'm just trying to think of the kind of things that people have on the side of things. Oh, this is great.

Normally we have people have, like, a side dish that's, like, the best side they've had, but you are trying to imagine what is... Yeah, what would you... It's like you're new to the world of sides and you're trying to... I think I am new to the world of sides. Replicate what other people do. I see it happen. Obviously, people get chips.

They get fries. But you only ever want three or four. You don't want a whole plate of them. That's not... Do you know what I'm saying? That is not a universal observation. Yeah, you really try to sell that as a universal observation. Most people like loads and loads of chips.

Do they? And I think you only like three or four. Yes. Do you know what? I think ordering chips is my version of your thing of that's where someone would judge. Right. Because, obviously, what I was eating at school or whatever, when I felt very weight-conscious, something about eating chips,

there's this awful song called You've Had Bastard. Yeah. And people would sing it at you. Was that the who ate all the pies one? That is. That's how it ends, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's where in your school you knew it was the You've Had Bastard song. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've Had Bastard song. Yeah. It's one of the earliest riddles I learned. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's very quickly solved that mystery, isn't it? Yeah, because it's you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're not singing it... If they're not asking you. It's you, they mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think ordering chips is... That's the thing of going like, I'm absolutely fine in myself. Yeah.

And I could eat all of these. Whereas if you eat chips or pies from somebody else's plate, you're saying, oh, I'll perhaps taste a bit of potato, but I'm one of those people who couldn't possibly. Yeah. Would never. I'll have a couple of your chips. It's a phrase that I've done a lot.

Yeah. Is there... It stands the comedies to be believed. There's like a gender thing on this. Sure. Where women don't order things. But they have... And then they're partnered.

With mine. Yeah. That's the thing in your experience. No, sometimes. But I also do that as well. Yeah. Yeah. You know, sometimes...

I didn't think it was gendered. No, I don't... I mean, that's the... That's the stereotypical way of putting it, isn't it? Yeah. I once... I heard a guy at the comedy store, and he said,

isn't it weird how women always have sandwiches in their bags? Everyone went mental. Like clapping... So their hands would fall off. Like someone's finally said it. Women always have sandwiches. Victoria Carmichael would have applauded that. Yeah.

We've interviewed her on this podcast. She always takes a sandwich in her bag to dinner parties in case she doesn't like the food. So she can eat a sandwich in the toilet. I bet she does. That's so Victoria Carmichael. That's that. I once...

You know what? It's like with a book. So I had met her at a party and got really well. She used to do sign up comedy. She was a teenager. We had this brilliant conversation. And then we stayed in contact. And then I said,

can I send you an advance of my book? And she went, I'm so sorry. I just won't read it. Yeah. She said, I just read a book. It was really good.

It's by Reverend Richard Coles. And I probably won't read another one for a year. Straight to the point. So I don't want to disappoint you. If you wanted me to read it, I won't. Yeah. And I was like, okay, I won't send it.

It's very rare. Yeah. So I could absolutely imagine her just blatantly in front of someone who's spent all day cooking me like, I'm just going to unwrap this. She goes to the toilet to eat the sandwich. Hides in the toilet and eats the sandwich. Wow.

We're coming right from the toilet. I'm full now. What have you been doing? All those crumbs. Yeah. So you're still. Sorry. Here's some other examples of side.

Mash potato with gravy. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Absolutely. I'm laughing at you. Remember.

Remembering a dish as it's happening in real time. Yeah. Remembering a dish. Mash potato is brilliant. Yes. Yeah. And that's a better way to eat chips. Is that something you'd...

It's not a way of eating chips. Absolutely. It's not a way of eating chips. Just defend it to him. Just explain it to him. Okay. All right. So chips are cooked potatoes.

I know all this. Yeah. I was just saying it's... I would probably put it as it's a better way of eating potatoes. Potatoes. Okay. That's because... Okay.

So some people are essentialists and they see chips as always potatoes no matter how they're served. Yeah. I see the potato as a place of potential. But many things could happen. But the main one we all know is chips. Yeah. We know it's chips.

We know it's chips. Mashed potato is a form of chips where before they chipped it. Yeah. Before they fried it, they mashed it. Yeah. And boiled it in water. I'll take it. What would it be like if you got actual chips and fries and then mashed them up?

It would be like mashed potato with crunchy bits. No, I reckon you can still do it. Crispy mash. Because a lot of chips are very fluffy inside. Yeah. I quite enjoy that. Sick chips if it was a thick chip. I reckon you can mash it.

Absolutely. French fries would be a nightmare. Yeah. Disgusting. Yeah. You'd be like, what have you done to this mash? Yeah. But yeah.

Do you do mashed potatoes at home? Do you know what I really like to cook is roast dinners. Not on Sundays, like every day. Every day? Every day? Yeah. If I could, I don't make a, I should have made all of this a roast dinner. I'm an idiot.

So I got too excited about crossing my corporate sponsors. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, a roast dinner. Firstly, you say every day, what's the most amount of days in a row that you've had a roast dinner? Oh, I'm very busy. Yeah.

I'm not ever home all the time, but I think it's why I associate... The leastest definition of every day of her. Every day, I could do it. Yes. I had time. Yeah. Oh, a roast dinner. Because you've got time, you can have a glass of wine while you're cooking, chocolate

filling up. Oh, that's, yeah. It's just delightful. That's one of the joys. Yeah. Sometimes when I'm cooking, I'm like, I'm pretty much just cooking a meal to justify my alcoholism at this point. Yeah.

Just have a lovely whole glass of wine while I'm cooking. Oh, it's lovely. Chef's treat. Little treat for the chef. That's lovely, isn't it? There you go. I'm really enjoying this. I'm having a really great night.

I'm so busy tonight. Yeah. Turn the radio up. What is the main...what you actually roast, didn't you? What's the main? There's all kinds of things, but I would say, like, Tofurky. Do you know these ones? What did you call me?

Pardon me? What's the Tofurky? The Tofurky. It's like...it's white and then in the middle stuffing. Yeah. And I guess it would taste like turkey or chicken, consistency-wise. If you've got loads and loads of really good vegetables and mashies and taste of things, you've got some...oh, you've got some mint sauce.

You've got some cranberry juice. No, jelly, jelly, jelly. He's a stickler for the rules, isn't he? Sorry. No cranberry juice. He's sloshing a whole bottle of cranberry juice over here. Lovely rice dinner. Yeah.

So if you've got really good gravies and everything, oh, it tastes very nice. And then, yeah, roast potatoes with, you want lemon, rosemary, olive oil, and loads of them. And then mashed potatoes as well. And mashed potatoes as well. Yes. Doubling up on the potatoes. Doubled up potatoes. Should I have a whole roast dinner on the side?

Shall I? Because you didn't...you said I can have anything I want. That's true. And I think I'd be sad now. On the side of your burger. Yeah. You've got a whole roast dinner that you've made. Yeah.

So if... Tofurky roast dinner. So we've got Tofurky, kale, red cabbage cooked with beetroot. Yes. Mashed potato, roast potatoes, carrots and parsley that we've done with like honey and black pepper. That's not vegan, honey. Yeah. I'm one of the bad boys.

You're one of the bad boys. The honey bad boys. Yeah. We're called vegans. That's true. That's not... Well, it works so perfectly. Someone who hated me told me that.

Actually, you're a vegan. And then the other thing is they go, you're not a vegan, you're plant-based because of memorality. Right. Like feeding chicken to my dog. Oh, okay. So you're... Okay.

But anyway, I'm really excited about this roast dinner on the side. Yes. And I think it's really good for the roast dinners ego to be like on the side. It's like... Because he's so used to being... Bringing him back down to earth. Yeah. Keep it grounded.

Yeah. And the Leon, the love burger, he's had a real boost. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. I tell you what. Initially, I wasn't happy about this vegan roast dinner on the side and I thought we were going to have to say no that he had to pick one element of it, but when you personified

the roast dinner... As an arrogant guy. I was fairly on the... As an arrogant guy, he's been put back down to earth by being reduced to a size. I'm more on board than that. I think they are arrogant. I think they're all like, oh, we're... The family don't even use their phones when we're around.

They have to talk to each other. Oh, we're Christmas. Yeah. You know, when you eat me on the day that Christ was born. Yeah. Yeah. And basically Jesus in food form. The food...

The only person who's come on and personified all the food she's about to eat is a vegan, as well, to be like, I want them to have personalities and there'll be people and have them eat them. That's how I make it spicy for myself. And you have to have that... Yeah. That's amazing. I guess you're missing from your diet. It's that thing that you're dominating something and killing it.

Everyone, everyone when they're eating is teaching someone a lesson. And it's easy if you eat me, because you're like sausages. Yeah, of course. Fuck the pigs. It's very hard for vegans. Yeah. So now you get to pretend like, oh, this love burger is a lovely family and it goes to church. Yeah.

You thought daddy was coming home, didn't you? Yeah. Arranging your roast dinner into a face and then just stabbing it. That's why, actually, alfabeti spaghetti and those little happy faces is such a nice breakfast. You can spell help with the alfabeti spaghetti. Help us, please. If she can't just come up. Answer the riddles.

So, yeah. So your side dish is an entire roast dinner. Yeah. I definitely won this. Yeah. This game. Yeah. Basically, the last person without doing this was, uh, was Lutandus.

He basically did this. Oh. This is becoming an ambiguous trend. What does she have on the side? Roast dinner? Uh, she, uh, chose Global Tapas as her, uh, menu. Something she made up. Uh, and just had about a million, uh, different dishes as her main.

Yeah. I believe one of them was a Yorkshire pudding with mashed potato inside it. Yeah. So she basically did the roast dinner. Yeah. That's the one. God, she really demoted roast dinner to a tapas place. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Roast. Around the world. Wow. She roasted the roast. But I'm not saying it's a vegan trait, but so far it's, it's, it's become a vegan thing to go. I tell you what, I'm going to have absolutely everything in it.

I'm going to have a roast dinner as well. Yeah. But I mean, what Lou, I've eaten in many restaurants with Lou and she always will change the menu. Would you feel, if you went into Wagamama and said, but let's noodles out. Never have. But if you did, how would that make you feel? Um, oh God. Imagine doing it.

Do you want me to, do you want me to play the Wagamama? Yeah. The Wagamama. Yes. Oh. The lady who runs, runs Wagamama. Yeah. The actual, yeah.

The mama. The mama. The big mama. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Hello. Welcome to Wagamama.

Oh, thank you so much for having me. It's one of my favorite chain restaurants. Okay. Hello, sir. Who's this? Do you want to serve this guy first? Yeah. Sorry, man.

I've been interrupted by this animal. I love burger please. I beg your pardon. I love burger. You're in the wrong restaurant, sir. That's what you do. Sorry about that, madam. What's the matter?

He was just putting you in your place as a restaurant. Right. So you didn't get too arrogant. Well done. So I just thought I'd throw another character in there to really test it out. As a way to myself. I know that isn't what it is. And also by the way, I'm leaving because that was terrible customer service.

Well, thank you very much for coming. Goodbye. You're not welcome. You're still fired. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. You're not welcome. You're still fired. Even though you're the wagamama.

That was bad. Yeah. That was bad of you. I'm surprised even the bag led you the money to start a restaurant when you're clearly inept. In the words of my friend, fuck off. I was just going to test you. Anyway.

Sorry. Let's try it again. No, I've gone to Pret. You're going to Pret now? Yeah. Oh. Hello. I'm the Pretter manager.

Welcome to our establishment. Could I have a sandwich about noodles? Absolutely. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. And that's how you sell your food. Wagamama. Well, Wagamama's problem is at first I went to Wagamama and that whole the food comes

out when it's ready thing. Yeah. Every other restaurant manages to get food out when you've ordered it and in the right order. Okay. That's ridiculous. Do you know what I mean? No.

It's so much better that they bring it when it's cooked than sitting it on a little next to a light. Just pretend they cooked it all synchronously. What I'm saying is you organise the kitchen. So it comes out when it's ready but in a certain order. No. So the little things, you have starters and they organise it and they all shout like they do in kitchens and things come out and they go straight there and then they do it

all with the... Then they fire the mains. No. I like the way they do it. Fair enough. I like the chaos. I like the randomness. I like it occasionally when one person, everyone's finished and one person hasn't got this yet.

Yeah. But the show's starting at half seven. We'll have to go on then. I think my issue with it is I'm always the person who gets those last and I'm the hangriest. The worst is when I can see my dish. I'm at the table and I can see it under the hot light. But that happens in regular restaurants. I think that's what's so stupid.

Being a diabetic, you should always get to eat other people's food. What do you think? Absolutely. Yeah. Even people I don't know. Yeah. So my sister, Christina, is diabetic and my mum deals with that with always having cake in her bag.

It's like Victoria Conn. I'm sandwiches. But she doesn't go to the bathroom. She'll just do it as a really nice restaurant. She'll just get it out and go, she's diabetic. She's diabetic. Actually, everybody. If you ever want to have dinner with my mum.

She's always got cake in her bag. She'll take care of a few, yeah. I've got a new comedy bit about how women have always got cake in their bags. Yeah. Very good. Finally. Thank you guys. Someone.

All right. I have to be sad. Do you know who said her sister? No. Oh, that's weird. We don't all know each other. My sister is a kind of self-hating diabetic. She was a child.

She wouldn't go to any of the support groups and stuff about diabetes. Oh, really? She didn't like the other diabetic children. She includes Ed. Yeah, she includes Ed. I was an awful child. Ed didn't have diabetes until he was 13. He fell in the Thames.

Yeah, she was 12. Yeah. It always comes on with adolescents. Yeah. Because they're hormones. How did she fall in the Thames? Ed pushed her. Oh, Ed.

Then jumped in afterwards. I took her in with me. I was like, no way. I want to be the only type one diabetic. I took her overboard. Yeah. She just latched out. And since then, she's never eaten a diabetic.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. All makes sense. Would you do your favourite drink? I really like wine. Yes. Yeah. I like all of the wines, all of the colours. Yeah.

Sometimes, like with water, sometimes it's fizzy. Mmm. Sometimes it's fizzy. Yeah. We're actually, we're drinking a little wine now. I'm drinking wine in a can. From Nice. A nice, they're called Nice.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They're called Nice. Yeah.

And is it? Do you know what? It's warm, which isn't its form. No. It's a pale rosé, is it? It's a pale rosé. It's a pale rosé. It's a pale rosé.

I love everything about it. I love that I'm drinking a can. Yeah. That's what's so great about, if I can just do some more product placement, Marks and Spencers, cocktails in a can. Yeah. We're ever commeding on our way home from a gig. Dynabbit here.

Yeah. I didn't know we'd put Dynabbit on the problems. But that's why it was such a fantastically human thing she did. Because there are two ways to come home from a gig if you're traveling home that night. And one of them is that you're crushed, completely crushed emotionally. And then you have this thing of, I'll treat myself to a cocktail in a can. And then the very rare time we go, I did make good life decisions. I'm so glad this is my life.

Sure. I'm really lucky to do this job. And I just, I really like people actually. And I like that I have a cocktail in a can. Yeah. Yeah. And it's just nice. So I'm feeling that about this can of wine.

Yes. I like that the phrase is dry, full stop French, full stop lively. Oh yes. There's all the wine for whenever it says, which is me. Yeah. And that's how we make ourselves feel better about day drinks. Yes. As well.

That's all. I mean, this has become quite the advert. I think this is probably the most relaxed episode we've done. Did they send them to you for free? Is it? But Ito is agreeing with that. Is it really relaxed? It's the most relaxed we've been.

I'm going to take that as a compliment. It is absolutely a compliment. The thing is, so when they send you these things, do you have to mention them or no? No, I didn't. But they sent this to you. I have to. Yeah, yeah. They sent us them.

Yeah. No, just hope you enjoy them. I think they, you know, they obviously hope that we'll mention them. Yeah. And I feel like, you know, seeing as we're drinking one now seems weird to me. I did. Jess foster cues, Jess foster cues, Hoovering podcast, which is an amazing podcast, which talks about food, food at the same time.

But I didn't know the people who made the food were in the room. So I was like, I hate glues and free stuff. I hate glue and free cakes. Just be vegan. It's so dry. So. And then it's the front row of these bakers who'd given them free stuff and he just hadn't told me.

Well, this wine is made by the great Bonita. He pressed it himself. Yeah. That's why it's so lively. Yeah. Because he will not have a boring grape. Whatever it says, what's the great Bonita like? I'm like, dry French lively.

Um, so, but your, so your favorite. So, I mean, all the wine, all the wine, all the wine, all the faces, all the. There isn't a wine you could bring that I wouldn't be like, mm, mm. Really? I think so. It's difficult. Sometimes dessert wines are too sweet, but I'll still drink it out of politeness. Yeah.

So there isn't a wine that we could bring that wouldn't make you go, mm, mm. Is there a wine that will make you go, mm, mm. Okay. Yes. I guess, I guess. A Prosecco type of wine. A Prosecco type of wine. If I said, surprise me, Jeannie, just bring me some wine.

Yeah. And he heard wine and thought, she's drinking fizzy water. Yeah. I'm going to match it with this. Yeah. And he just said, here you go. And it's in one of the long thin glasses. I would be literally like, mm, mm.

Before I even drink. Perfect. A Prosecco. A nice Prosecco. Yeah. A delicious Prosecco. Mm. It's a bit of a time when you like, well, I like, like we got into Prosecco and it was

like the thing. I think it, do you know what it was? And again, so many things to me, it was all to do with having money. So for a really long time, I would say I had the amount of money that normal people have, which is none. So I didn't have like money in my bank account. If I went around the supermarket, I was always counting how much I put in there. So I wasn't the kind of person that ever, ever could have bought a bottle of wine to

have at home, not to drink. It's like you buy a bottle of wine because you have to buy it to go to a party or because your friend is coming over and you're drinking wine. So I think I discovered Prosecco about five or six years ago as a walking around the supermarket having this feeling of like, I can get anything. I can get anything here. I can, I can get some Doritos dip just like having the cupboard. Yes.

Or like more than one kind of jam. And I think one of the things was I can just be one of those people who has wine in my house, but I drank it all. And that's something that I've learned is I can't have wine at home because I will drink it all. But I think, I did think originally I'll have like a wine holder, but as like a rack with wines in. But no, but what I will do now, and I love it because women, and I do think this is women, we meet eyes with each other, women in a supermarket, half 10, one of those small Sainsbury's, bottle of wine, some kind of snack, like dry roasted peanuts or something.

We see each other in the queue go, I see you bitch. I see you. Is that your snack of choice with the wine? Something like that. Something says it's protein. I'm not cooking. Yeah. Yeah.

Dry, I did that last night. I bought a bag of dry roasted peanuts on the way home. It's a sensible snack choice. I forgot I went too hard when I initially got into dry roasted peanuts. So there's all I'd ever have and now I just, that's it now. I can't go new. Oh, so I came back round. Are you lucky?

Yeah. You know what I'm trying to say is, hang on in there. Yeah. Have you, do you like salt and vinegar peanuts? Yeah. Oh my God, they're really good, aren't they? Oh, the peanuts and the crispy shells. Oh, but they're not even peanuts anymore, are they really?

Yeah, they're pretty noy. Yeah. Yeah, they are. They're crazy. It's a little chemical bomb. Kerbal, what do you think of Marmite caches? I really like them. I'm fine.

They're so good. They're so good. I'm so glad we agree about this. It would be horrible to end it on a... I love all the Marmite branded products. Me too. Absolutely. Also, I am impressed by their bravery.

Because so many people do one thing well and then think, I'm not going to buy other things. You put yourself out there, you're going to get rejected. There are going to be things that people are going to say, I'm not, you know what it's like to do new material. Absolutely. It's so risky. Yes.

I don't know if they, do they have like try out nights for new foods? Yeah. Well, I was going to say, for ages I kept noticing in Starbucks, they did a Marmite branded cheese and Marmite toasty, which they now don't do. Right. I do remember that. Yeah.

I had to cut stuff just like us. Sorry. I loved it, but no one bought it. My flatmate, my old flatmate, he used to buy Marmite chocolate and he'd have it in the cupboard and he'd have a little, this treats out to a little square over and out again. And then one day, he had a breakup. And then the next day I went into a chocolate shop

and they're doing Marmite brownies, massive Marmite brownies. And I got myself one of them. I felt like a real good flatmate. That's really good flatmate. I felt like a real good flatmate coming back in it. And also, best out of my life, because I went in there to buy the brownie. And as I went in there, they went, oh man, we just messed up a whole batch of our award-winning salted caramel.

Help yourself, it's just free now. And I was like, I couldn't believe my luck. Yeah. So much of the salted caramel's on my head. Imagine you walking around like not believing it. Great things happening all day. I was like, God, it's real. I now think that maybe shops are trying to audition for your stand-up shows

because you had that thing about the bananas and the off-bananas. So I wonder if some of the shops near you are just like holding batches back in case they have to come soon. Yeah, yeah. We've fucked up anything. It felt so good. But then, yeah, probably was. The glitches in the matrix.

That's them going, we've got to keep him going along with this. Keep him happy. Yeah. Yeah. The canned wine might be a bit like that as well. Let's give him some canned rosé. It doesn't make any sense why that actually exists, but you won't question it.

We need a name for the canned rosé. Get Sarah to drink it first. What's a good name for the canned rosé? I was just saying, nice, nice. Yeah. But he won't drink it. It's the daytime. Right, wine for whenever.

Sarah drinks it first, he'll copy it. Looks up to Sarah. Do you look up to me? No. No. You might end a bit depending on this final choice, James. Yes. Has anyone ever won your respect with their dessert choice?

Oh, yeah. Okay. Oh. And you can lose this. Okay, can I? Jose Verche chose ice cream sandwiches, and she won't respect my heart and my life on devotion. Yeah, okay.

Can I tell you the best dessert in the world? Yes. And I will not, I will not debate this. Is eat and mess? Eat and mess is the best dessert in the world. If you have a choice of what to have for dessert. Oh, I would go to weddings where people are hated if I heard, oh, there's eat and mess.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who was telling, who was, what was the sort of the gossip? How were people telling you there was eat and mess? No, mom, I don't want to go. Why couldn't you and dad just stay together? And then she would be like, oh, your favorite dessert's going to be there. Eat and mess is going to be there. But that's the thing, so eat and mess has got two ingredients,

maybe three that aren't vegan, but they do do vegan eat and messes now. And I had one. Where was it? Hmm. Midget juice, it was recent. Oh, it was exciting. It was a vegan restaurant and they had vegan eat and mess

and it was really, really great. How are they doing meringue? The chickpea stuff. Ah, aquafaba. Aquafaba, yeah, which I think would be a lovely woman's name. Yes. Aquafaba macaroni. So I've had aquafaba meringues before.

Yeah. And I didn't know they were before I ate them. Okay. And they did taste odd. Yeah, they do taste odd. Yeah. Which is why you want a lot of, like with lots of vegan alternatives, you want a lot of other stuff on it.

Okay. Don't you? Like it's like with the avocado, chocolate, moussey things. It's really amazing. The consistency is so great, but you need other stuff in it or you can taste avocado. Sure. Like it's not magic.

It's chickpea juice. Yes. Yeah. So it does have an odd taste and not the right consistency, but with really good fruit and cream and sugar. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. We've eaten mess.

Mm-hmm. So I think... Do you not think it's the best dessert ever? Well, here's my take on that. Okay. Ice cream sandwiches. Because the first time I had me eat a mess, well, I never had it before.

It definitely was the best dessert ever. So the first time I had it... How old were you? I would have been... 16? Like, yeah, maybe in secondary school. I actually didn't have it. I definitely didn't have it in primary school.

No, I think I was about 16 and I just couldn't believe it. Yes, absolutely. It's like a Pavlova. Yeah. Which I'd only heard about anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like mashed up.

You'd only heard rumors of the Pavlova. Yeah. I'd seen one in Iceland, but no, that's... Oh. First time I had it, lost my mind. Yeah. Then it's like... It has a few foods like this where

if you have a better version of it... Oh. So someone makes you a nicer eating mess. So, like, you've had Vianetta your whole life and you think it's the best dessert and then you get, like, Hargan Das or something. Sure. And it doesn't mean you now don't like ice cream.

But it means that, like, you have to have that. So, eat a mess, I would say, progressively, you get given nicer stuff. What's nicer? I've never been at a wedding once. Yeah. And they just had insanely good eating mess. Like, whatever it was, the meringue was, like,

proper like... Have you heard of Chantilly Cream? Yes. Yeah. So I've never had it, but I've read the back of it in Marks & Spencer's. And it's got, like, vanilla pods in it. And I bet that's so good in eating mess.

Oh, yeah. So if someone does that... Yeah. And makes it proper custardy, kind of vanilla-y. Oh, yeah. And, like, there's loads of fruit in there. And the meringue is, like, chewy. And there's lots of it, so you've got, like, proper lumps.

Yeah. You're hitting big lumps all the way through. Because I think... It's too creamy for me, guys. Too creamy. Look at that. Yeah. It was...

With the eclairs. Sure. Well, no, we know what you're talking about. I think it depends on the kind of cream. It's a possible called Jenny Cream once, didn't you? Yeah. I had an awful gig of eating. Yeah.

You support Ivo Graeme once, right? Yeah. Yeah. How important is the mess element? How messy do you want it? I think it's a bit like with the wagamama stuff coming out when it wants to. Eating mess is, like, I will not put on a tie for you.

Yeah. I will be crazy chaos. Your spoon will go in and you'll get what you're given. Yeah. It's a lucky dip. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

I understand that. Because I think... Because obviously it is just a mashed up Pavlova. But Pavlova feels just too traditional. It feels so 80s. Yeah. Sure. Even if it's amazing.

And if you get given a Pavlova, you're just going to smash it up into a mess anyway. Of course you are. Of course you are. Because you want it all together. You don't want to, like, jump through the different bits. You can chew everything down. But that was the theory when I was at school. People were so disgusting.

They would mash all of their food together in a pile and go, that's what happens in your stomach anyway. So they would, like... They would mash it all up and it was so disgusting. Into, like, a ball. Just a ball of all the food. Yeah. Like a brown food.

Like a brown food stuff. What do you think happens in your stomach? Yeah. Take all the pleasure out of eating. Yeah. Lots of stuff happens in my stomach. I don't want it to happen in my mouth. You're pouring a load of acid on their food as well.

Yeah. What happens in your stomach? Oh, yeah. I mean, I've heard that argument before. But ridiculous. I'm just going to form it into a log and flush it straight down the toilet. Yeah. Liquidize it all.

Put it in a thermos and drink it down. Because, like, absolutely not. Yeah. I think eat and mess is, like... There are a few, kind of, like, desserts that I would accept, as people say, best dessert ever. And I think eat and mess is one of them. I totally accept that.

Because, like, the best one is amazing. Yeah. And it's just that you can't go back from that. But the reason it's the best as well is that you don't have it every day. Like, I can't imagine you having eat and mess and not being a special occasion. I can imagine someone just having an eclair. Like, you can get one for 90p. Sure.

And there's quite a few things you have to go through. If you wanted to make an eat and mess, meringues are pretty tricky to make. Yeah. Yeah. You'd probably just pre-buy it. You'd pre-buy it. You'd pre-buy it.

Of course you would. Busy people. Again, I want to go... Like, I honestly, since I had that eat and mess at that wedding, I can't go back now. I can't have ones that are just like dusty, white, chalky meringues. Yeah. That are just like whatever.

Yeah. Bit of fruit, bit of soggy kiwi fruit in there. Like, some run-of-the-mill cream. I just go, oh, this is... Because, like, I love desserts so much. But I have a lot of guilt attached to desserts. Yeah. So if I'm having one...

I don't think this wedding thing is really intriguingly connected to your eat and mess. It's a bit like the relationships. All of us keep, like, eating eat and messes until there's one eat and mess that's so good. Yes. You can eat any other ones and that's the one you marry. That's the one you marry. That is true. It's true.

Even if you're unruined. You're speaking metaphorically. James is now imagining marrying an eat and mess. I thought you were saying he was engaged also. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Congratulations. I'm married, eat and mess. I'm married, eat and mess.

So, read your menu back to you, Sarah. See how you feel about this? Yeah. You would like sparkling water, but some still water for your dog. Pop numbers have read you want some pools, £4.50 sourdough, toasted with vegan block. Starter, your Wagamama, yes, ayatami? Yeah.

Soup, no noodles. No noodles. Main, Leon Loveburger. Side, a full roast dinner... With a Toefurkey. When you read it back, it does sound... Sound like a bigger, bigger than the main, doesn't it? Drink, prosecco.

You know, it's a lovely prosecco. Dessert, you would like a vegan eat and mess. Mmm. That sounds good. It sounds so good. That sounds good. On the side is the... They probably call it a vegan mess, wouldn't they?

A vegan mess. That would ruin it a little bit for me. Just a vegan? No, I would say just a vegan mess. Vegan mess, that's nice. How much is this going to cost me? Oh, nothing. What's the price point?

Nothing. The dog's pain. Thank you very much for coming. Is that how it ends? You just then go, you've had your food get out. That's the end. Now, if you want to... Feel free to hang out, actually.

Okay, thank you. I'll tell you what, I'll say this before we go. The thing about canned wine is that you... I've never guzzled wine before. No, I think that's a dangerous... So that's the problem, is that you drink it like you're drinking a canned drink and you find that you can go, I would never drink this much wine in one mouthful. Yeah.

Like, that's the danger. Yeah. I'm really guzzled. Drink sensibly, everybody. Drink sensibly. There it is. Boom shaka laka. Boom shaka laka, the menu of Sarah Pascoe.

Boom shaka Sarah. Boom shaka Sarah. Thank you very much for coming in, Sarah Pascoe. Well done, by the way, as well, for not saying salmon skin. Congratulations. I didn't really think she'd say salmon skin, but it's, you know, sometimes. It was never even touch and go with it. There wasn't even a point where I thought she was about to say salmon skin.

She didn't even say anything beginning with an S. No. I thought this could be salmon skin. Well, actually, when she said she was feeding stuff to her dog, I thought... Yeah. Maybe. What would we have done in that situation? Kick the dog out.

Kick the dog out. She would have gone with it, though. We'll see about that. She loves that dog. She's got to choose that point, hasn't she? Dream menu or dream dog? That'd be a good new offshoot of this podcast. Yeah.

Dream menu or dream dog? Dog menu. Dog menu. Your dream dogs. Yeah. A lovely dog comes in. Bonito's a Greg? Yeah, of course he is.

So, great menu. Lovely menu, I thought. Yes. And nice to have a little dog in the restaurant, actually. Yeah, it was. He was very well-behaved. And if you enjoy Sarah's menu, if you enjoy the sound of Sarah, I'm sure you're aware of her work anyway,

she has a book out right now. What's it called? It's called Sex Power Money. Intriguing title. Yes, very intriguing. Exciting. It is out now, so you can buy that from wherever you buy your books. Yeah.

Your bunch of nerds. Your bunch of nerds. Oh, go and get your book from the past. Got you. If you like us, if you like the sound of us, we're on social media, off-menu official on Twitter and Instagram, and offmenupodcast.co.uk on the internet. Great.

And I'm at a Gamble comedy on other stuff. If you'd like me, then, oh, my humour is available. I've released a special on Amazon Prime Video. So, go and check that out, search Ed Gamble on Amazon Prime Video, but it'll probably be on the front page, taking up the whole front page, I'd imagine. Yeah, I imagine it will be, actually.

Just visualising. 3D in 3D. In 3D. James, what are you up to? My little shit. Oh, I got a book out called Perfect Sound Whatever, and you can get that from where you get your books. Nerds.

Nerds. Reading in the past. That's the joke I've come up with. Oh. Hang on. And also, you can watch my comedy specials on Netflix called Repertoire. James A. Cast a Repertoire.

If anyone has a Netflix anymore, it's all about Prime Video from what I've heard. Thank you very much for listening. We will see you again another time. Hello, it's me, Amy Gladhill. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum about seaweed on mashed potato,

and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case... Get him on, James and Ed, but we're here sneaking into your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing.

It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the north, because, look, we're two Northerners, sure, but we've been living in London for a long time. The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off.

And that's a new podcast called Northern News we'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glennle's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it?

Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.