Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 56: Jean Grae

Episode Date: April 22, 2020

The multitalented Jean Grae – NY-based musician, rapper, producer, actress – is this week’s guest. And there’s no real need for the dream restaurant, as Jean’s cooking everything.Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive Productions.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Buy Jean Grae’s music on Bandcamp or listen on SpotifyFollow Jean Grae on Twitter: @JeanGreasyFollow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? On the way, we make this hot podcast as we slice open the bottom of your ears. We pop in the sausage of chat, and then we cover it all over with humor ketchup. It's called the Off Menu Special. Welcome to Off Menu. Welcome to Off Menu podcast with James A. Caster and a very New York sound in Ed Gamble. Now, where have you picked up that accent from, Ed? Well, of course, James, we're in New York. So I've been here for a while now. We've been here for like five days. So I've really picked up the accent. You know me.

I'm a linguistic sponge. You are. I mean, it's amazing. I've not picked it up, Benito. It's not picked up at all. No, it's because you don't listen. You don't get out there on the streets and listen to the people around you. It's very impressive. Very impressive. Of course, it's the Off Menu podcast, like it only means one thing. We're going to ask our guests, our guests, their favorite ever start a main course dessert side dish and drink. What do you think about that? We sure are. We sure are, James. And I can't wait to hear what our special guest this week has to say about what they want to eat. Yes, she's a very, very special guest. This week, our special guest is Jean Grey.

I'm walking here. Jean Grey is, well, she's a phenomenal, she's done so many different things. I was introduced to her as a rapper. She did an amazing album called Everything's Fine a couple of years ago. She did many rap projects before that as well. And at the minute, she's writing for like films and TV and comedy stuff. I'm very jealous of people who can do all of those things. She's like, just done everything. It's astounding. I don't know how people found the time. On top of all of that, I've been assured by you, you've heard rumors that she can cook very well as well. I've heard that she is a mean chef. That was the exact words. We'll discuss that with her. I wonder whether that will come up.

I hope so. But even though she can do all of those things so well, if she says the secret ingredient, unfortunately, we will be removing her from the dream restaurant. Heavy, heavy heart. We'll be cardinal out of here. Oh, there he is. I'll back again. And this week's secret ingredient is Dorian fruit. Dorian fruit. Dorian fruit. Is that what you're saying? What are you saying? Dorian? Dorian fruit. Dorian? Stinky-ass fruit. Stinky fruit. The stinky fruit. I believe Tom Carage mentioned it on his episode. Yeah, yeah. He said stinky fruit on that episode. He said the stinky fruit. Yeah. You cut it open. Yep. That's stinky. He's got stinky little pockets inside of it. Yeah. Oh, it sticks to high, haven't you? In some countries where

they sell it, it's banned on public transport. Is that true? That's true. That's what Tom Carage said to you? No, I've said stuff on research. Oh, yeah. It's banned on public transport because it sticks so much. But some people like it. In fact, there's a guy on Zumble's Just Desserts used it in an ice cream. Oh, did it? You like Zumble's Just Desserts, don't you? Oh, I love it. It's so great. It's available here in New York on Netflix. So we can watch it on Netflix. In London, you can watch it on Netflix. In England, all over England. That's the good thing about Netflix. It's global, baby. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, there's some of us just deserters on there. Someone makes a dessert with a stinky fruit. We'd chuck

that person out if they made it. Yeah. Well, the kitchen is disgusted by it. Yeah. Zumble himself. Yeah, absolutely. Even Zumble's disgusted. Well, okay. It's very weird having to be the normal one. Well, it's hard, isn't it? I'm not used to it. It's actually harder to be the normal one. Yeah, it is actually a lot harder. It's more work. You got to do more admin. Maybe we should do some of the ad reads now. I appreciate it. It's like, it's really fun just to be the silly one and mess them up. Oh, yeah. But someone's got to keep it on track, James. Yeah. It must be very hard for you. Oh, it's tricky, man. But now I've discovered this character. Yeah. Fat Tony. Fat Tony. That's the character in The Simpsons.

Fat Tony, the durian fruit. He's actually a stinky fruit. I am a durian fruit. That's the twist of a stinky fruit. So you're a stinky fruit and that's why you don't want them to pick stinky. If Gene picks stinky fruit, you'll be offended because you're a stinky fruit yourself. Yeah, and I'm banned from public transport. Yeah, you're banned from public transport. Because I stink. Because she's stinky. Yeah, that's fair enough. Well, you know, without further ado, I can't believe I'm the one having to do this. Yes. Let's welcome into the Dream Restaurant, Gene Gray. Welcome, Gene, to the Dream Restaurant. Yay. Welcome, Gene Gray to the restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. What was that sound? Gas leak? What's

happening? I don't like this restaurant. Usually. You might be the quickest person to leave the restaurant ever. Welcome to the... Oh, she's gone. Usually, that's the sound of a genie emerging from his lamp, maybe in the genie, but today it is a gas leak. Oh, okay. Yeah, I know. We can stay here. Maybe it'll make it really funny. Yeah, yeah. I think it's a load of... I think it's pretty good gas. I like my food with danger. Yeah, that's what you want. It's laughing gas, so we'll be fine. Yeah, that's a great time. The podcast can be more fun. I don't know why you have that in your restaurant. This is the best way to cook. People don't know that actually cooking on laughing gas is really effective. Oh, good. Very tasty laughing gas has a flavour to it. But

also there's a bit of helium in there, so things might get weird later on. You could do that in post, Benito. Just put the picture of voices up gradually. No, I'm fine. This is it. Yay. Actually, we should point out to the listener that wasn't... We haven't put that on in post. That was Gene doing an actual voice. Yeah, it was. That was very good. That was very impressive. It's great. It came out of nowhere. Can you do voices? What sort of voices do you want? I don't know. I never heard you do a voice before. Here you have. I normally offer an amused boosh. You've just learned how to say it properly. Yeah, I've just learned how to say... A musy boochie.

I've been saying it very wrong and then Ed corrected me on it. I was saying amused boosh. Oh, that's so much better. Yeah, yeah. But it's amused boosh. But I like to offer the guests an amused boosh so that you have a little surprise, little dish before the meal that you've planned yourself. Okay. So just put... How do you feel about those things normally when this chef occasionally just sends out a little bonus dish at the beginning? It depends. It would depend on the restaurant. Yeah. Like, if I'm doing some sort of chef's table thing, then okay. Yeah. If you're just... I'm like, this is fucking unnecessary. You've got salt on the table, bitch.

Also, you mean that is the sort of restaurant it is if there's salt on the table? That's not... I thought you were saying, I don't need an amused boosh. I'm just going to swig on the salt. I'll just have the salt. Or I think it would be interesting in a home prepared situation. I would accept that like a good... If someone came out with like... It was a dinner party and they had eight spoons and they were like, it's just a one bite thing. I'd be like, I'm in. Yeah. I like that. It's a nice little, yeah. And then it's like, oh, I've gone to a nice bit of effort here. Because do you have... About coming me up a TV show called Come Dine With Me? Do you have that? Where it's like... It's like a reality

show in a way. And just members of the public, like five strangers have to like have a meal together on one of their homes. Yeah. Oh, I've seen that. I've seen that. Yeah. And then each week... And then they all go to the next person's house and then the next person's house. So it's like a... They judge each other after, yeah. But they're always awful people and they always hate each other. Yeah. Because I mean, they're strangers. Like, I like a dinner party, but I don't necessarily like people that I don't know in my home. So that's a lot. I don't understand the people who do like that. Like, there's some people who enjoy that sort of situation. They do. Like, you go around someone's house and you don't know some people and the host will be like,

well, I'll put you next to this person that you don't know. I think you'll get on. It's like, well, I won't get on with them because I don't know them. Yeah, no, I'm not doing that. I carefully curate a company the same way that I will carefully curate a dinner. Because it's fucking important you got to know what's going on in your circle of friends. Unless you just want to like set up murders. Sure. And you're like, I don't want to get my hands dirty. You know that person will get riled up to the point they'll kill. Yeah. And you're like, this is entertaining. That's the point, Ed. At your wedding. Yes. Are you sitting me on a table of friends? Of course. You're not going to sit me next to people I don't know. No, that's happened

to me at weddings before. Do you have... Are you doing a seating chart? Yes. There will be a seating chart. Why? Just so everyone knows where they're going to sit. Well, do you need it? I feel like... But then I feel like if there's not a seating chart, there might be a situation where someone gets pushed off a table onto a table of people they don't know. Here's the thing, people get up and they move around and they talk to each other and everyone just sits down. I don't mind that. We didn't do a seating chart and everyone was fine. And then like sometimes people would get up and go chat with another table and be like stealing your seat. It was cool. I feel like that will probably happen anyway. But I guess it's just where you go when you get

in the room the first time and then go and sit down. Sometimes. And then they're up and moving around anyway. I don't see people there drunk. Yeah. I hope so. Yeah, they're going to be. Yeah, you've got to make the time. I'm not saying your wedding's going to be boring, but you know. There's going to be a lot of alcohol floating around. Absolutely trashed. As long as you get trashed after you've pressed the play button on the music for Charlie to walk down the aisle to. Yes, I've been put in charge of that. Oh, that's a lot. Yeah, I get to press play and choose the song, I think. Yes. No, that's not true at all. Yes. I heard him. I think that's what it means. What song is your dream for my fiance to walk down the

aisle to? Oh, I just go with the general vibe on the day, I think, and how I'm feeling. But like. Some of Jean's music, perhaps. Yeah, I could just put on. There's nothing appropriate. I think he knows that and that's why he's going to play it. Yeah, trying to think of what song a part of Jean's that would that would be appropriate for it. I think I would probably put on, you know, I know that Charlie and me both share a love of Pokemon. So I would probably play the Pokemon theme tune. She'd love that. Pokemon got to catch him. Would you just sing it over an instrument? Yeah, it would be one I've done at home. Yeah. Oh, I like that it would be pre-recorded. Yeah, yeah, because I don't want the pressure to perform in life on the.

Also, it's a big occasion. You've got to pre-record for a big occasion, right? You do. Yeah, just me doing an acapella version of the Pokemon theme tune. No music in the background. I think Charlie would prefer that to what we've actually chosen. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I don't tell me what it is. Oh, I haven't handed out the news. Oh, sorry. Yeah, sorry guys. Yeah, raisins. Okay. Here's some questions. So I have a couple of questions about the type of raisins and then the presentation of the raisins. So is it, I would accept raisins if it was like golden raisins, like good plump golden raisins. No? Yeah. Well, I was going to remember the California raisins. Yeah, I was going to ask you, are you just doing like in a box, small box of

raisins, and then you throw them out and you're like raisins. Yeah. Well, it is raisins from those boxes, but it's a cereal bowl's worth. So I filled a cereal bowl with those. So I've emptied all those boxes out. Lose raisins. Yeah, yeah. They're loose all in a bowl, but it's like a cereal's bowl worth it. All right. California raisins. Okay. What season is it? What season are the raisins from? No. That's very specific. What season are we eating this meal? I guess that's up to you, because it's a dream restaurant. So you can sort of, you can have the meal at any time of the year that you prefer. Okay. So this is just a bowl of raisins for the table. Yeah, with a teaspoon in it. I am with it. Yeah, yeah. I like it. I actually think that's your best amuse bouche yet. Also,

I should point out, even though I say California raisins, they are California raisins, but I do mean the band, right? Because you know how the band looks tastier than the real raisins? Well, that's racist. Raisins. The band of the cartoons. Yes. They do look, they're very plump. They look plump and tasty. Yeah. And the raisins now. I remember watching the cartoon and being like, oh, I want to eat those raisins. And then like, let's get the box and be like, yeah. Well, that's because it was filmed like 30 years before the raisins came out. So they were younger. That's true. So these are in their heyday, these raisins. Yeah, that you've got there. Yeah, I want some heyday raisins. Yeah. I'd be like, this is intriguing. I'm not sure what's going to

happen here. And there is still salt on the table. Controversially, I think the heyday of any raisin is when it's a grape. Oh, yeah. It's disrespectful to raisins. Don't you think raisins, look raisins are tasty, but you're very much catching, you're catching them on the down, on the down swoop. Yeah. And then you got to be like, you know what, you're still okay. You still got it. Yeah, even, you know, that's, that's fine. But you know, do you think a butterfly's heydays when it was a caterpillar head? No, no, good point, actually. But I wouldn't eat them at any point. Well, you wouldn't eat a butterfly. I wouldn't eat a butterfly. What if the apocalypse, right? Yeah. And then you haven't eaten in like a week or so. Yeah. And then you, you stumble upon this

this greenhouse is full of, full of thriving, plump, happy butterflies. How many of them would you eat? Well, yes, I've got a big appetite at this point. So I'm going to need a lot, I'm going to need to get a lot of butterflies to fill me up. And they're so beautiful. Yeah. Bearing in mind after I've eaten the butterflies, I'm going to feel really nervous. Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. Is this, is this what every episode is like? To be honest, yes. Yes, but normally I'm the one saying how many butterflies would you eat. Normally that's me doing that kind of stuff. It's so nice to hear someone else say these kind of questions. How many plump butterflies do you think you could eat? How many delicious, beautiful butterfly. Because literally before

you said that, I was going to say you've got to eat a caterpillar or a butterfly. What one do you choose? Yeah. So like, I think it's a butterfly actually. I think it is because the caterpillars protein, but with a butterfly, it feels like with the wings, you're getting a salad at the same time. I think I would want to eat the caterpillar while it's in the chrysalis, change it into a butterfly because you get a crunchy chrysalis outside. You can deep fry that. And I was, yeah, I feel like a butterfly, if you're like in a fight club mood and you want to destroy something beautiful, and you just, you're just losing your shit, but like caterpillar otherwise, I guess. And it's probably in a fight club mood if you eat a caterpillar and a butterfly because they're

basically the same character, but they look different. Oh shit. Spoiler warning. Spoiler warning. Also, I like how you basically compared the butterfly to Jared Lee. Oh, just then. Hmm. That's not true. 30 seconds to much. Sorry about that. Sorry about that joker, Jared. Still mad about that. Yeah. That's so funny to me. The joker thing, hilarious. Because he worked so hard. Oh, so funny how much he went into it. He worked so hard and people were like, everyone else in the cast was so mad at him. Yeah. Well, because there's something everyone else has played the joker before him. Just didn't plan on it, but got like consumed by the character, and it was a problem for them. And he heard about that and was like, I'm going to make that happen.

I'm not going to just like, have it happen to me. Learn how to act. Yeah. I'm going to send Will Smith a pig's head. Crazy. It's like he did. He sent someone a pig's head. He did. There you go. But then to finish that film, and then for basically that they rushed out and that they were like, we've got another joker project without Jared Leto in it. And then it absolutely killed it. He's going to win an Oscar. It's so fucking funny. Also, the joker would not send anyone a pig's head. That's lame. That's lame. I had birds of prey themed banana pudding from Magnolia. I didn't know where that was going. What did you think? I thought you were going to be like, birthday party. All right. You know, we don't know each other. That's cool.

I had a birds of prey themed birthday party. Not the film. I just love. Just predatory birds. My dad dressed as a buzzard. It was a great day. My dad would, I don't know if my dad would dress as a buzzard. I think my dad would dress as an eagle. Yeah. My mum would want to dress as a kestrel, I think. My mum likes kestrels a lot. Wow. Yeah. Always stopping the car to look at kestrels. Just in the middle of the motorway. Yeah. Our whole childhood, we'd go on holidays where they were birds of prey flying around. They like to look at them. If there's ever a kestrel car getting stopped, getting out, looking at the kestrel. It looks the same as the last kestrel they saw back in the car. Drive on again. So you might have had a birds of themed,

birds of prey themed birthday party. So I was not that far. Birds of prey themed childhood. Yeah. And now I'll just limit it to banana pudding. It doesn't really link with the Harley Quinn thing too much, but basically what they've done is they've made the cake pieces in the banana, put in pink, like bright pink and the whole pudding pink. And so it's like, it looks like the Harley Quinn kind of colors. Was it good? It was pretty good, but then I also bought like a small regular banana pudding and that was better. Yeah. Like I bought one of each and was like, compared them. I was like, yeah. Did you do it right at the counter? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, let's see, let's go. And that pudding was themed on uncut gems, wasn't it? Yeah, sure. I was

going to uncut gems and it was like, I don't want to tell you how it ended, but it's just an anxiety ridden banana pudding. You were so stressed out the whole time. You're making all the wrong decisions for you. You don't know where to put the spoon. Jamming it in my ear. No, James, please. Just eat it. Maybe there's a way I could get more banana pudding. No, James, I ate that one. We usually start the meal with still or sparkling water, Gene. Like any good restaurant, if the choice is still or sparkling or tap or what? No. But I do like when people choose tap water only because like a lot of times I feel like I just want to say tap water. Yeah. And then I'm like, my whole sparkling. Nobody will care. Like if I say tap water, they're going to walk away

like, all right. Well, yes, she's never been outside before. Sparkling, I've been very into sparkling water for the past year. Oh, just the past year. Like, I think I might have a problem. Oh, really? Yeah. Like, are you brushing your teeth with it? Not yet. Thank you for the idea. Yeah, you genuinely, when I said that, you're like, oh, I could do that. No, we just like go through like a lot of boxes a week. And I realized like full on like cases of sparkling water. And like two months ago, I was like, hey, we might have a problem. So when did this start? And what started it? We went to a friend's house when we were editing something. And it was this is such a stupid like introduction to how you can get hooked up

something. And it was super late and everyone was tired. He was like, you guys want some sparkling water? We were like, yeah, I guess. And we were drinking it and we were like, oh, this is so good. I was like, I've had sparkling water before. What is happening right now? And then like a couple of days later, I think we should get some sparkling water for the house. And it has never stopped. Boxes and boxes and boxes and we try different flavors and different, like I get really excited when they're on sale. Yeah. Yeah. Back them up. What's your favorite flavor? What flavor would you like in the dream restaurant? Yeah. Oh, well, is this is this for the meal that I've you can pick another drink later on? I really a ginger. Wow, I've never had a ginger sparkling

water. Is this a liqueur? La Croix? La Croix. La Croix. La Croix. It's Whole Foods makes a really good just their little brand. It's just a plain old little ginger. Whole Foods is a bigger thing over here than it is in the UK. I think we've got like a few. There's a few, yeah. But like it's a lot, it's much more of an institution here. Yeah, it's bad. Yeah. Is it essentially a healthier place? I always go there thinking that. And then I buy all the unhealthy stuff. It's just as unhealthy. It depends on what you buy. Do they not use like artificial sugar or something like they don't use artificial sweetness or something? I mean, I don't believe anyone about anything. And I cook everything from scratch, scratch, just so I know what's going into everything. So I mean, I don't

know, get some fucking fresh produce and ingredients and make some shit. Otherwise, you don't know. I have heard a rumor that you're, and I quote, a mean chef. I am. What I've been told. I am. You mean a good chef though, not just someone trying to go in the kitchen. No, no. He means a mean chef. Yeah. You try to go in your kitchen, you're like, fuck off. No, I'm a dick. Like Gordon Ramsey. More, more, more. More than Gordon Ramsey. Yeah. Because he like threw a kid's plate like towards the ocean once. I was like, just throw the fucking kid. What are you, don't fuck around here. Let him know what's up. He threw a kid's plate in the ocean. They were doing a challenge and he was like, what is this? And through the plate, I was like, oh, that's harsh.

I could learn from you. There's that gif of Gordon Ramsey, which I think must be from Hell's Kitchen, where he's got two pieces of bread. Yeah. On two pieces of, have you seen this, James? Yes, it was abuse. Yeah. Two pieces of bread on something and saying you're an idiot sandwich. What are you? Well, he says, what are you? So he's not even saying you're an idiot sandwich. What are you? And she says, I'm an idiot sandwich. Also, I would not have gotten that. No, that's amazing guess, right? Headphones? I don't know what you're doing. That would be very different. I mean, I assume like he'd run through it before. Go look, listen. Yeah. The chance I'm going to lose it today. If I do lose it,

I'm probably going to grab two pieces of bread and slap on my nose. And listen, when I do that, I'm going to say to you, what are you? I want you to say you're an idiot sandwich. It wouldn't have worked. And then we would have gotten there and they would have been like, what are you? And I would have been like, your mom's a bitch. I can't do this. I don't care about winning. Yeah, it would be very difficult to just say an idiot sandwich back to him. You'd be very tempted to know, what are you? I'm your friend. I'm an employee. I'm your best friend. I'm your mom. I'm your mom would be such a great one. What the? Oh, shit. Who are you? I'm your mom. Pop it up, it's all bread. Pop it up, it's all bread, Gene. Pop it up, it's all bread.

Pop it homes. Yeah. Wait, no. Okay, so it's not not a good decision because it depends on the day. Yeah, I don't know. I have a bread issue. Like, and I know that I'm not supposed to eat a lot of it because I am an old person. And it doesn't go away the way that it used to go away. But if I could just have like bread and cheese and wine, I'd be happy. Yes. Like a good piece of bread, like a crusty bread that's soft and warm with like a good olive oil dip and or like an unsalted butter or something and like some cheese and some wine. What else needs to happen? That's happiness. Yeah, I want to hone in on there is unsalted butter. Yeah. A lot of people come on this podcast and they're very firm on butter. Yeah, they're like, but look, I'm one of those bitches.

You want you want a salted butter? Yeah, I like the French salted butter that's got like huge lumps of salt. Okay, can I give you this? Can there be like a sea salt on the table? So you can do it yourself? Because I feel like, yeah, if I can control like the amount of things, because sometimes I want some salt in like my olive oil. Yeah. So this goes back to your cooking everything from scratch and wanting to know what's going into everything. Yeah. So you can sort of put the salt in yourself if you feel like it. Yeah, because if I'm working with a, well, I don't want to buy a bunch of different butters. So if I start with like a really good unsalted butter, that means I can use it for multiple things. Like I can put it on the table, but I can also cook

with it and not have to be like, oh no, now I don't know how much salt is going into food. Yeah. Nice. I'm being one over now to the world of unsalted butter. Welcome. It's like a base pain. It's been so much salted butter talk on this podcast. It's good to get the opposing view for once. Yeah, it is. It is. Yeah. Just start with a good base. And I think that's one thing that I'm not mad about. Like if you leave salt on the table for that portion that I'm fine, then people kind of go with it and be like, oh, cool. I get to decide what kind of really makes me happy. And I think just because it's that bread portion of the meal, that's the set it off. You got in there, you're hungry. Like when bread comes to the table and even people

are like, oh, I don't think I'm going to have any bread. Five minutes. So they're like, I'll just have a little bit of bread. I'll just have some of it. I also, so if this is, she said bread, cheese, and wine, we can do you like a little, a little dish that's like, you know, a bit of bread, a bit of cheese, and like a shot of wine. For the bread course, we want to add cheese and wine to the bread course. It's the proprietor. I would put it on the menu. Yeah. So let's, let's wait and see what Jean's got on the menu later. Okay. All right. So is it poppidoms or bread you're picking here? Or even like, I mean, there might be other things. I'm picking bread. I'm picking bread. Yeah. And is

it a particular type of bread? Yeah, just a good like baguette that's just on the table. Yeah. Like with just, just sliced enough so people can like reach in and tear pieces off. Yeah. I liked it. My voice got really soft. I love food very much. That's good. You're in the right place. So we're coming to your starter then. Okay. Your dream starter. Is it, is it based on something you've actually, is it come from a specific place? So when I was thinking about this meal, I was like, what, what, what makes my dream meal or like what makes it, I was like, well, it was something that I would eat all by myself would be totally different than what my dream meal would be. Because my dream meal involves like

cooking the whole thing for like eight people. Like it's a sit down dinner. Like it's, it's, it's the process of making it for people too. It's not just me enjoying it. Okay. But we, you know, we can do that. It's an open kitchen. So it's your dream meal. If you want to get in there and cook it yourself, there is no problem with that. Shucking the keys over the table to you for the kitchen. Okay. So then since we already did bread, I think we're going to have to go into, um, this is, um, um, double, double breads. Oh yeah. Cause I do want to do like a really good, uh, charcuterie plate. I need some like, I need like three cheeses, like a soft cheese and a mid cheese and a hard cheese. And I need some like fig preserves and I need some olives and I

need some cranberries. Um, and I need some like roasted almonds and then some like thin meats for whoever needs the thin meats. I mean, your heart, your heart has got to be singing right now. This sounds absolutely incredible. We're going to need to really delve into what, what cheese is specifically. Well, Ed ordered something like this the other day and absolutely ruined his main course. I, I couldn't wait. And I ordered the small, I ordered the small one and I thought, I'll get the small one and it'll be fine. And it was, it was like a pile. It's like the empty, the whole deli counter onto the plate and I fell on it like a swarm of locusts and devoured it and then had a huge plate of pasta for my main course and yeah, spoil it. But any regrets Ed?

No, no regrets Ed. No regrets cause pasta's coming up. Um, um, brie, I want brie. I, uh, there's a, like you do, um, you take the bread and then you hollow it out and then you, uh, fit like a wheel of brie in that and then you shove it in the oven and you take it out and people can just rip off the pieces of bread with like the melty cheese on it. Yeah. I've never done that Jean at home. It's, it's real good. It's real easy. This is, this is a real insight into my life. I have watched multiple YouTube videos of people doing that and imagine that I'm eating it. Yeah. Well, I guess I did it. There we go. Do you put like, obviously people put like garlic and herbs in it as well. So it's like

turns into a proper like fondue situation. I don't think it needs to. I think that's too much. I think, um, I think, I think chill. You've done enough. Yeah. That's cool. Yeah. People are like, I just want to taste the brie. I don't need, I don't need it to do anything else. Like more flavors coming later. Yeah. Yeah. And what, what thin meats are we talking? Um, some sort of, um, prosciutto's and you know, like speck, whatever's going on. A hard salami maybe. Yeah. People like a hard salami, maybe a spicy hard salami on there that people can just cut off and some sort of stinky cheese. Oh yeah. Uh, maybe a Rockford. I had a Rockfort the other night at my friend's house and he bought it from, he bought it from the cheese munger and the corner from him. And it was

the peppiest thing I've ever tasted. It's the strongest Rockfort I've ever had to the point we were eating and going, I don't think I can have any more of this. Okay. This is a bit much. Yeah. So it's a bit too much. It was like weapons grade Rockfort is really full on. So a medium, a medium, a medium Rockford. Okay. There's different levels of this. Yeah. I think I've never heard of. Yes. Good man. And I would also like to say that the starter wines and beverages should be happening right now. Okay. That's starter cocktails. Yeah. Nothing heavy. Like maybe some any like things with grapefruit or like groanies or any dirty martinis. That's a good time for that with like some stuffed olives in them. Yeah. Prosecco. I love a light white wine. White wine.

So you're just loosening things up? Just like, hey, you're in a thing and everybody's like, yeah, I like food. Yeah. I like food. You guys, don't we all like food? This is so nice. I'm so glad you did this. I think a dirty martini is more than a loosener though, isn't it? That stuff is rocket fuel. Well, it depends who you are. And also, I think if you're a person who's like, I don't want to eat too much. And you're like, I'm going to eat my drink at the same time and put two giant olives on that shit. And I'm just going to sit with it for a good half an hour. That's not bad. You could put a slice of prosciutto in the top as well. You could do whatever you want. That's a really dirty martini. Roll it up like a cigar and put it in the top. I'm not mad

at that. No. A bit of melted straw. A teaspoon of melted brie. Lovely stuff. Do you use the meat as a straw and just slurp the martini? You could glue some meats together with cheese and use them as a straw, I think. A long straw. You could put a couple of raisins in the bottom of the martini, like a callback and people would be like, oh yes. Yeah, I remember the image bush. You've got them knocking around anyway. There's a whole cereal bowl full of them. They're putting it all down. Yeah, no one starts those raisins. No one has had them. No one. And what was that, Ed? On your one that you had the other day, there was like quite a dark meat on the top. What was that? I think it was like a brazola.

Yeah. What animal was that? I couldn't tell you. It might be beef. I actually don't know what animal a brazola is. They're normally pig, right? It's usually a pig. Yeah, I'm going to have to sorry. I'm going to have to look at brazola because rich dark meat. Yeah, it was very tasty actually. I snaffled that one. Beef. Brazola is an air dried salted beef that has been aged two to three months until it becomes hard and turns a dark red, almost purple color. There we are. How thin is that? Pretty thin. Same thickness as prosciutto. Get into that. Very tasty. Well, that sounds lovely. So immediately you're off to a communal start. People are like getting involved with the char koutou rei and you've got some drinks flowing, different cocktails,

different things. Everyone's hinges are nice and greased. That's right. Just work working them in to fatten them up, to murder them later in the kitchen and then keep them in the restaurant dungeon for three months until we serve them at the next party. Wafer fin cuts each person, throwing their plates in the ocean as well. Yeah. Get rid of the evidence. Yeah. And then cutting them up and making a load of idiot sandwiches. That's right. I'm going to open that restaurant right next door called Idiot Sandwich. Yeah. And it is thin cuts of human on two slices of bread. You should open two of them either side of it. Oh, shit. Yeah.

So your main course. This is early. So you've ramped them up to this. Here's my question. How, because it's a bunch of people. How many main courses can I have? Now, it's really, it's really one. But also you've come in here. It's a communal Italian dinner. And you have specified that. What the shit? You don't put out one fucking dish at an Italian dinner. Everyone will kill you. Well, it depends on the size of the dish, I suppose. If it's like a whole roast pig or something. I tell you what you can do. Yeah. You can say which one you are eating. That's that. So we'll take that as your favorite one. Okay. And you can also say the other ones that you're putting out on the table for everybody else. But you're not allowed to touch those other

ones. Yeah. Okay. You can only eat one of them. But you're allowed to put all of them on the table for all your friends. Well, first I'll tell you which ones I pick for the summer. Are we doing all the seasons? Yeah. No, just two. Okay. Yeah. Because very, very, very, very different. Yeah. I want to do like a really good marinated for a long time, like a brick oven chicken, like a garlic roasted chicken. Yeah. I just smashed down, specifically needs a brick oven. And then like a broccoli robb side. I'm not supposed to be telling you sides yet. I think what you're trying to do is include the side in the main and then you can pick more sides. I see what's going on here, Gene. Okay. So that's, that's my main. That's the one

I'm, I'm going to eat. You're in the chicken. And then I'm eating the brick chicken. Yeah. Okay. Cool. I've only had brick chicken once in my life, but I liked it very much. It's really good. Austin, Texas, in a place called Laundrette, which was really the good restaurant. I don't know if it's even still there anymore. It's years ago, but it was an excellent restaurant. Oh, you don't mean you bought some chicken and then ate it in a Laundrette? No, no. Because that's the sort of thing you do. It is the sort of thing I do. And it's, it's not, you know, that's a good podcast too. I've got sad, I've got sadder stories. I've known worse than that. That wouldn't even be considered demeaning in my world.

At least I've been dosed. A whole chicken, like a rotisserie chicken. It was, uh, I don't think it was a whole rotisserie chicken. It was like, uh, it wasn't a whole half or whatever, but it was like a brick. Oh, I meant in the Laundrette, Matt. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. In Laundrette, I wasn't even in it. Were you doing Laundry or not? It was just a, I think it's a pigeon that they caught outside. Okay. Eating that out of the drum. It's actually a good place to eat a whole chicken, because you get grease all down your front and then just wash your clothes. Right in the machine. Just, that would be a very entertaining thing to do. I just want to let everyone know that I'm

kind of looking off into the distance, which means I'm probably going to do this at some point. Is the chicken, uh, is it spatchcock? Is it like all flat? Yeah. I've never done that before. How do you, how do you do that? Um, I, it's the only way that I like to cook, uh, chicken and also turkey on Thanksgiving really, really helps. Um, cuts down like hours and it's, it's never dry because I don't fucking like turkey except when it's done that way. Except for the fact that I also, I'm apparently not eating meat anymore because my body said no. But still like to cook it and think about it. So thank you for the show.

You flip it over. You, um, take a real sharp knife or some sharp scissors and you, uh, cut the, the back bomb out and then you flip it back over and you smash the chicken down. And you're like, who's your fucking mom? And, um, and then that's it. You just got to take that piece out and then it kind of just opens it up. So everything just cooks evenly and it's, it's really lovely. What you put, you do put garlic on it? Um, and, uh, well first I want to make a, like a garlic, uh, butter, like rosemary, lemon rub that you do all under the skin. Well, this is, and then, um, do a really good marinade with like some citrus and some garlic and some herbs and lemon and let that sit for two hours. That sounds great. Also,

a question about, you said you do it with turkeys as well. Is your oven massive? No. And that's why you have to spatchcock a fucking turkey. Why? Because otherwise the height of it, you can't fit anything else. But how wide does it get? Not bad. Um, cool. So you can do it like long, long ways. Oh, okay. I see what you mean. Turn it and then be able to fit like other things or something like small alongside with it where,

whereas before it was just like the turkeys in, that's it. We just have a good luck with having everything out at the same time. I just imagine unfolding a turkey to the size of like a world map. Yeah. That's, that's how big I'd imagine it would be. Yeah. It's like the height of a door. Yeah. It's not bad. We had, um, uh, how many, it was a smaller Thanksgiving this year. We had like six people over this year and that turkey was, it was us maybe like an 11 pound turkey, but it was still around for like a week.

Right. Yeah. Not going anywhere for a while. Yeah. We asked it to leave. Yeah. It's, it's hanging around. Trying to have a chat. Taking out my bag boat. How am I supposed to go anywhere? Don't you want guys want to hear about the pilgrims again? I wanted to talk to them more about the pilgrims. Get out of here, Thanksgiving turkey. This holiday is my genocide.

You're going to have to throw me in the ocean. You know I like to gloss over stuff. What a great turkey. I like the carrots of the turkey. So your, your spatch cock and a chicken, you got lemon and, and herbs and all sorts in there. You've marinated it and you've got the broccoli. Rob, you've chucked in on the side there. I like, yeah. I like, I like broccoli Rob because it, um, a lot of people don't enjoy it. I like the fact that it's a little bit bitter and just, I like doing something with like, um, really simple with roasting with like a sea salt, pepper, lemon, olive oil, garlic.

That's it. We don't really get, we don't really get broccoli Rob in England, right? The first time I heard, is it like, is it the leaves? No, it's kind of bitter. It's like a better broccolini. Right. Okay. The first time I heard the term broccoli Rob, it was in the American version of the office where Andy Bernard's character, one of his friends from university. It was broccoli Rob. It's broccoli Rob. Yeah. Okay. I remember that.

In his, uh, in his acapella group, here comes trouble. I love, um, yeah. But that's the first time I heard the term broccoli Rob. Yeah. I think I've seen it on man versus food as well. Yes. I had heard it on there and then forgot about it. 25 pounds broccoli Rob, covered with chili. Oh, crying. So you've got, you've got, you've got the chicken and the broccoli Rob.

What else are you putting on the table for your guests? So many things. I can't say. Um, I wanted, I wanted to do a pasta. And I think I was, I was good with this, uh, meal taking place and like end of summer. This is end of summer meal. Nice. Yeah. And is it like, it feels like you're kind of outdoors. Yes. Yeah.

But I like an outdoors indoor situation. So the table's kind of indoors, but there's like a wall that can open up to the outdoors. Nice. Yeah. Like a patio kind of thing. Like a fucking garden patio thing going on. So you've got some pasta going on. So I'd love to do like a good angel hair seafood pasta with like some head on prawns and scallops. Just really, really nice and simple and fresh.

And I think a garlic olive oil salt pepper make can make everything fucking amazing. Maybe a little bit of red pepper, maybe a couple of chilies to spice it up. Why is the head still on the prawns? I knew that was coming up because I'm not a monster. I'm not going to rip their heads off. They have families. But eventually someone's going to rip the head off. I mean, that's not on me.

Yeah. Sure. So you're leaving that to your guests to rip the head off. That's what you do with your life. Flavors. So I'll take them a little bit in the in and some garlic and some olive oil and then take the prawns out and then toss everything back in just so they could get in some of that like prawny flavor where it's like head off.

You don't get that as much. No. Right. And then it's fun to eat. I have a hard problem sitting with people like, oh, I don't know what's got a face. I'm like, it had a whole fucking family. Like it's the same. It had a face.

It still had a face even if you don't see the face. Just eat the food. Are people taking the heads off or are they eating the heads? You got to take the head off and then you got to suck the juices out the head. You got to suck the juices out the head. Yeah. You love that constant head. I'd totally do that.

If I was told to, I'd just eat the head. Yeah, you would just eat the whole, just crunchy. Well, you were eating those butterflies. Yeah, oh yeah. Yeah. I'd eat it for one head. Fill up on butterflies. I've run into a butterfly house with my mouth open.

I'm not going to leave the head. I've eaten like a fully deep fried, just go in, just eat the whole thing. You'd do that. You wouldn't do that, would you, James? I wouldn't do it, but then I wouldn't be able to back myself up on why. Yeah. You know, I'll be like, oh, I don't want to do it. But then if someone said to me, why not, I wouldn't really be able to argue it.

What is this person at the table, too? And they're like, why fucking not? You're like, I don't know. Well, this is what you've got to know about me, is that my whole life, that's what I'm scared of. Being questioned. Is that there's someone around going, why not? Basically, I feel like there's someone who's going to go,

you're stupid, you're doing stupid stuff. And there's someone around who's waiting to punch me in the face. Oh, shit. And that's like my whole life has been, I think I'm going to get punched. I've never been punched before. What? But in my head, I'm going to get punched, and I'm just trying to avoid getting beaten up or punched all the time.

Oh, you've got to get punched. That's the only cure for that worry, right? I had a huge fear of falling off stages, and I was like, it's going to happen at some point, and that thing goes away. And walked into this venue, and I looked up, and I was like, it's tonight. I know it is. This is the most dangerous stage we've seen. I'm going to do it.

And I totally did. And I broke my foot. You got to get punched. I mean, I don't know, because that story you just told doesn't sound like a nice ending. No, it wasn't. It sounded like you had fun. No, it's not going to be fun getting punched in the face. Your fear of falling off stages is gone now.

Yeah. Yeah. But now I'm scared that people are going to be listening to this, and they're going to punch you in the face. And they're going to punch you in the face. Yeah. Well, please don't. Kind of, you guys, maybe make it happen.

But don't do like a deform him punch. Because he's got to use his face. Like, don't break his nose or anything. This is my bread and butter. Yeah, don't break anything. Yeah. Like a good Shiner would do. No, Shiner aim for the eyes.

Well, not like in the middle of your face. You don't want to like break your cheekbone. Don't punch him in the face. Up a cut. Up a cut. No, I'm going to break my jaw. Yeah, no, that's not good. Well, in the middle of the head.

None of it's like, middle of the head doesn't sound good. Middle of the forehead. No, it's got to be like a good. It's got to be an eye punch, but not like too hard. I like my eyes. You got to go. You got to never fight like no, no, no fight. So like you've never been punched or like everything was like a slap fight.

Well, just know this listeners. If any of you punch me, I will stab you. I like that. Yeah. So, you know, come at him. What if I, if I punch you, I'm so strong that I'll punch in your head or come off and then I'll put your head up and I'll suck all the juice out. Oh, that's so sweet.

Yeah. Oh, no, no, that was sweet. It was a reference to the meal. Oh, you made a little reference to something else. It was so nice. Yeah. Thank you, Jane. I'm a nice friend.

Thank you for sucking all the juice out of my head. So at this point in the meal, I think it would be cool if like while we're all eating that I have someone come up, like I hire someone just to come out and just punch you real fast. Yeah. Yeah. What do you have? And then like give you a drink. Yeah.

Well, it's your dream meal. So at your dream meal, I will let you get someone out to punch me in the face. Gordon Ramsay? No, we like a professional. So we know it's not going to damage you. Yeah. Is there anyone in particular that swings to mind who would be able to punch me in the face and not do too much damage?

I think anyone who's professionally in fighting would do damage, right? Not Steven Seagal. He does not pull his punches. Yeah. Yeah. He doesn't know how. No, he doesn't. Yeah.

I think he would still feel like he's got something to prove that he's still got it. Yeah. But he'd be real slow and you'd be able to move out of the way. He'd make it look impressive, but it wouldn't be painful. No. Yeah. And I also wouldn't want someone who's like, like the rocker or anything because like, I think he's a nice guy.

But like, I think even when he was going easy, he would kill me. Yeah. With one finger, he would turn your head to dust. Yeah. It'd just be evaporate immediately. Yeah. That's like a Thanos punch. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to be dusted. Kevin Hart? He's small. Yeah. Kevin Hart. Can you jump up?

You'd have to jump or I could stand on a chair. You could stand on a little chair. But then the element of surprise is lost. When you hear him dragging over a chair. Yeah. Who is that? Kevin? Cat Williams?

He's small, but he's fast. Yeah. Cat Williams small, fast. He's unpredictable though. He's unpredictable. Yeah. You never know what Cat Williams might do. I like it.

I like it. I think that would be my choice. I would also love to have him at dinner. Yeah. I think Cat Williams would be fine to have at dinner. Yeah. Yeah. Fair enough.

Okay. Punch me in the face. So, we've got the main courses. We need to start thinking about the side dish. Now, you've probably snuck in a broccoli, Robert. We'll let that go. Yeah. You have a different side.

I wanted to throw in a really good salad that I like as a side. And it's arugula and shaved radish and shaved asiago with a lemon vinaigrette. And it's really simple, but it's really fucking good. Lovely. Delicious. All the best salads. Yeah. I've got cheese in them.

Hell yes. You need cheese in the salad. And it's just big ass slices of asiago. So, it's like peppery, but it's lemony and that's fresh. And you're like, oh, I feel good having another piece of bread with this shit. And now my bread is soaking up all of the things from all over the place. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah.

You dip it into a plate. Here's why I'm a bad guy. If I was to share a salad with cheese in with you, and I was the first person to go to the salad, you would get that salad back and there would be no cheese left in that salad. Well, here's the thing, because it's kind of a home restaurant meal. So, we keep the chunk of asiago on the table. And you're like, and I'm like, do you want more of this cheese?

And everyone's like, yes, we do. Directly into my mouth, please. And then I just keeps getting sliced. Yes, that's perfect. Yeah. Have either of you ever grated cheese directly into your mouth? Yep. Yeah, I feel like it.

Yeah. Yeah. I feel like I can't remember the time, but I don't see why. Wouldn't I? Yeah, I suppose I have. I guess on multiple occasions, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it'd be a shame not to.

So that's a lovely, also radishes, I think, are underrated. Very underrated. I like them a lot. They have been a secret ingredient. We always have a secret ingredient on the show that if the guest says that they get kicked out of the restaurant, because we don't like that ingredient. Yeah.

But often they're ones that we don't completely agree on. I think I've only recently got into radishes very recently. I think they're a grown-up taste. They are, because they're peppery. I love them on tacos. Like, just slices of thin radish. I like a radish as a fucking snack. Just a little radish, and you're like, look at me.

I'm a goddamn giant. Yeah, little Peter Rabbit. Eating the radishes. Eating the radish. Radishes. Radishes. Peter Rabbit. Peter Rabbit.

Yeah. Eating his radish. I think that sounds like a delicious side. Fresh. Yeah, it's a fresh meal, which is why I wanted to do the breads up front. Like, you can go heavy, but then you can't like completely die, unless it's the winter version of this meal. Yeah.

Which is an asabuco with mushroom risotto. Oh, wow. You've really thought about this. I've really fucking thought about this. It's a proper winter version, and the summer version. And the alternate, because it was two in the first one, a good size, like giant ravioli, like a pumpkin ricotta, and like a brown sage butter.

Yes, please. And this is all stuff you've cooked in the past? Absolutely. Oh, this is incredible. So you got your winter alternative. That's the winter alternative. I mean, that's... Yeah, it does.

Very much like that. I mean, we could have it, yeah. The dream restaurant this time has like a... It changes seasons as the meal progresses. I would swap out the charcuterie for some couple of thin-crust pizzas. That's... As a starter, that's an absolutely maverick move. Yeah.

Yeah. I love it. But everyone gets like one or two slices, I guess. Yeah, there's just two pizzas. They're just... They're just... I'd be sad to see the charcuterie go, even if it was winter, though. Yeah, you'd be sad.

Yeah, me too. Well, if you put the whole charcuterie on a pizza. You wouldn't miss it. That's what I'm saying. There's a lot of things going on on that pizza. You wouldn't miss it. Just dump the whole board on top of the pizza. Pretty much.

Happy with that. Here's what we're trying to find out when we're in New York. And here's a question I'm sure you've been asked many times. Pizza? Yeah. What's the best one? Where? Yeah.

In New York? There's a... It's so overcrowded now and I just cook shit at home. In my childhood, I can easily be like, oh, the pizza place on the corner from our house. That was the greatest pizza in the world. Because you can go back to that and it just tastes like nostalgia. But also they had...

Which I loved when I was younger, like that when you have to take a napkin and kind of dab it over that little greasy layer on the top. And I was like, yeah. Right now, I really like niece pizza in Brooklyn. It's an incredibly thin crust, but not like cracker-like crust, except for the edges. And the sauce is amazing.

It's not too sweet. And you don't feel... If you ate an entire pie by yourself, you wouldn't feel like an asshole. And people would be like, well, where was it from? And you're like, it was from niece. And they'd be like, all right. That makes sense.

I really like them. People are dabbing up the oil with the paper towel. The first place I saw that. So it's weird how much this film has kind of like seeped into my consciousness, even though I didn't like it. I thought it was a bad film. But it was in a long-came poly. Do you remember that film?

The one where she has the ferret? Yeah. She has the ferret. Is it Jennifer Aniston? It is Jennifer Aniston. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So let's see more Hoffman's character in that. It's a very good example of like a good character in a bad film.

Right, okay. Like he mops up all the grease with the thing and he has the scene where he sharted. And it's the first time I'd heard the term sharted in my life. So like... It's a lot of firsts for you in this film. Yeah, so I'd never seen anyone dab up. And he just explains to Ben Stiller's character

they're playing basketball. He's like, I've got to go home. I sharted. And Ben Stiller's like, what are you talking about? He's like, I fired and a bit of shit came up. And like, I remember it being like this character is brilliant. That's the problem I've always had with the term sharted. The word does not go in the order that the events happen.

So it shouldn't be sharted. It should be fitted because... Yeah, it should be fitted because you don't shit and then do a fart. That's not... You fitted is already. I mean... Yeah, sort of. You could.

Fart. Yeah, you could. But you wouldn't stand there in your pants and go, I'm going to do a shit now. Oh no, I farted as well. Oh no, I forgot. Don't tell me I farted as well as doing a shit in my pants. Given the game away.

I enjoyed attention to myself before it was a subtle quiet shit in my pants. And everybody's like, did you... Oh, you... I wasn't even going to look over there. Just going to the desserts. We already had quite a few drinks. We've got the drinks rolling, I think. Yeah, we've got the dirty martinis.

Yeah, there's so much wine on the table. It stays out there. We've gotten into heavier wines. It is going down. Yeah. So dessert, I want to go with the Porta della Nonna. Why? I've never heard of this. Me neither.

It's a lemon almond tart. It is real fucking good. I don't want any ice cream with it. I don't want anything with it. I think now is the time to bring out a bunch of coffees, cappuccinos, some dark liquor. And I would like a plate of chocolates with some grapefruit, like candied grapefruit and candied lemon. Like just brown liquor, coffee, cigarettes, cigars, that tart.

This is my kind of mail. I don't even smoke. And I'm going to be smoking all those cigars and cigarettes. Yeah. But the winter version of that... I just made these like a month ago and they were stupid. Sea salt caramel cupcake. So it's like this molten caramel in the middle.

And then I want to do a lemon ginger ice cream with that. And then I say, stay with the, you know, same thing. Liquors, chocolates, coffee. But instead of cigars, chewing tobacco. Chewing tobacco. Straight up chewing tobacco and guns. In case anyone's like, I kind of feel like shooting a gun over this hillside right now. And you're like, go the fuck ahead.

Maybe a crossbow. You see me backing away from Kat Williams, who already enjoyed punching my face. He's pretty chill at this point. Yeah. He's nearly kicking back. He's already full. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. That's good. It's also, I mean, that sounds great. What's the pastry like on this lemon and almond tart? Is it like a thin crust? No, it's a little bit thick around the edges. And it's very almond, like almost like marzipan.

Oh, yeah. Oh, nice. Yeah. It's really lovely. Sounds like a very chill end to the meal. Like a very nice relaxing. I think always my favorite menus on this are the ones where the whole scene has been set. Yeah.

Yeah, you need a whole thing. I feel like I'm properly there. Yeah. And also, I've always got a huge respect for the people who are like, why do I have to wait so long to say my drink? We're bringing out drinks at the beginning of the meal. Yeah, what are we talking about? Yeah.

There's drinks during the whole time and it changes with the food. And it changes with like what moods you're trying to get everybody in. And also, I've made an entire playlist that goes from while I'm cooking to the end of the night and that I never have to get up and stop. Wow. So now it's the end of the night. What song is playing at the end of the night? We're here at the end of the evening.

That's a song play. We got our lemon tarts. We're all smoking cigars, passing coffee. I'm shitfaced at this point. My face hurts like shit. He's holding up, just frozen pee. He's crying in a corner. We're really in his face being like,

but you're not scared of being punched anymore, right? Oh yeah, I never wanted to have that. That was it. It's over. I think we would end the night. I think right now, I'd probably enjoy some sort of, I think we've moved along till some like rotary connection. We're like some good Al Green moments.

But just for you, at the end of the night, I think while you were walking out the door, do a baby hit me one more time. Just to really fuck with you. Yeah, I've been quiet as a walk out. Run out. Oh, I was quite excited to hear the rotary connection though. Right, okay.

So this will read your order back to you. See how you feel about it. Don't shit it, all right. Water you would like. Ginger, sparkling water that you get from Whole Foods. Pop it on some bread. You said you'd like a sliced baguette that everyone can tear and share together

with unsalted butter. Starter, a charcuterie plate. Charcuterie, charcuterie. Charcuterie. Charcuterie plate. Charcuterie, James. Brie, Rockford, Manchego, Pechetto, Speck, Salami. Fig preserves olives, cranberries, almonds, the whole works.

Maine, brick chicken marinated in loads of herbs and spices. Herbs and lemon with broccoli rub. And punch James, it says here. Pat Williams gets to punch James. With the brick. With the brick from the chick. You are going to be marinated in punch. Yeah, yeah.

They don't mean delicious. They're quite a tasty punch, actually. I'll take that. Side dish is a salad with arugula and shaved vanishes. And is it? Asiago. Asiago with lemon vinaigrette. And we're drinking the whole time.

We've got dirty martinis on the go. And wines and some grapefruit kind of drinks. And dessert, a tortadella nona. And that is the summer version. That's the summer menu. And there's coffees and there's cigars. I'll never forget the end as well. You feel pretty good about that?

It's so good. Sounds nice, right? It's so good. That's a good time. That's incredible. That is a really great time. That sounds like a nice meal. And oh, who's coming in?

Oh, it's Cat Williams. You better get out of here, man. Oh, goodbye. Not again. Thanks so much. There we are, the off-menu menu of Jean Grey. Absolutely delicious. And I'm calling it now.

I think it's in my top three menus of the entire podcast history. Yes. Yes, you were very, very excited about that. I think that also I love a winter menu and a summer menu at the same time. That was great. She thought about it so much.

Excellent stuff, a menu for all seasons, whenever you like. And most crucially, Jean did not say the stinky fruit. The stinky fruit or the durian fruit. She did not say that, luckily. That would have spoiled the menu. It would have spoiled the restaurant. Would have absolutely spoiled everything, I imagine.

But I don't think there's ever any danger of that fruit showing its face. No, absolutely not. But thank you so much for coming in to the Dream Restaurant, Jean. She's got loads of stuff out there you should be looking at. Yep. You should go back through an entire back catalog of music.

I think, personally, that everything's fine by Jean Grey and Quelle Chris is an all-time classic. And you should all listen to that. One of the greatest hip-hop albums of my life. It's very good. I love it, too. Yeah, but there's loads of more projects. Jean's working on the menu, so keep your eyes out

for any scripted projects that Jean's name is attached to. They're likely to be amazing. Absolutely. And if you want to follow what we're up to on the podcast, check out the social media at Off Menu Official on Instagram and Twitter. And we have a website, offmenupodcast.co.uk. Check it out.

There's a list of restaurants that are recommended on the podcast. There. Now, the main restaurant that was in this episode was Jean's house. We will not be publishing that address, even though it does sound like a fantastic place to eat. I'm sure all of you all want to make that pilgrimage after him in that menu, but we are just...

I'm sorry, but we're not going to give away the addresses of our guests or their personal homes. She wouldn't give it to us either, to be fair. No, no, we asked a lot. We did ask. We said, can we come and live with you, please? Can we please come and live with you? What should we address, please, Jean?

Yeah, as she said, no. Just the Benna Gorgon could come and live. Only the Benna Gorgon is allowed to come. That's what she said. Thank you very much for listening. We will see you again sometime soon. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Hello there, listeners. Can we recommend you a new podcast? It's been going for three years, but it'll be new if you listen to it now. My name's Stevie. My name's Dessa. And we host the Nobody Panic podcast, which is all about how to be a functioning adult

without consistently screaming and or crying all the time. Although crying is OK, crying is good. Listen to our episode on how to cry at work. It's all kinds of different how-tos from how to be creative to how to concentrate to... How to begin a small talk. Thank you, Stevie. We bring our experience, which is sort of minor,

and then we get experts in to really give the advice. We release podcasts every Tuesday. It's on Apple Podcasts, Acast, Spotify. Basically, wherever you get your podcasts... We're there. We're there. We're ready to impart not our advice necessarily, but the advice of others to help you get through your day

and your life. Are we selling it yet? I'd like to say that we're much better in the podcast than we are on this advert. Please do come over and check what we're like on The Real Thing. Oh, yeah. You'll be pleasantly surprised.

Hello, it's me, Amy Glendale. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato, and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread.

I'm not gonna spoil in case... Get him on, James. I'm not gonna spoil. I'm not gonna spoil. I'm not gonna spoil. I'm not gonna spoil. I'm not gonna spoil. I'm not gonna spoil.

I'm not gonna spoil. Come on, James and Ed, but we're here sneaking into your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the new stories that we've missed out from the north, because look, we're two Northerners, sure.

But we've been living in London for a long time. The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off, and that's a new podcast called Northern News. We'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glendale's mum on every episode.

That's not the news, when's it out Ian? It's already out now Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening there's probably a backlog you've left it so late.