Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 59: Roisin Conaty (Bonus Episode)

Episode Date: May 9, 2020

It’s another lockdown live-streamed episode, with guest Roisin Conaty! WARNING: the sound quality is terrible. If you watched the live-stream you’ll know that, technically, it was a disaster. We��ve tried our best. It’s a bonus episode!The live-stream was for the Cosmic Shambles Network’s Stay at Home Festival, which is raising money for artists who have had their entire livelihoods taken away by the pandemic. You can watch the full live-stream on YouTube here. And, if you have the means to, please donate to the Stay at Home Festival fund here.Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive Productions.Live-stream produced by Trent Burton for the Cosmic Shambles Network.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Watch Roisin Conaty’s sitcome ‘GameFace’ on All4.Follow Roisin Conaty on Twitter: @roisinconatyFollow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy, now. Please? And you've got to expose the podcast to some hot chat comedy heat, and then leave it to rest for 10 minutes to make sure it's succulent in the middle. Welcome to the Off Menu podcast. Cowabunga! I was about to say your name. I don't even need to say your name because you've already introduced yourself with your traditional cowabunga. Cowabunga, everybody. I hope you look it after each other and yourselves. Cowabunga, Ed.

Cowabunga to you, James. This is James A. Castron, Ed Gamble on the Off Menu podcast. This is a little introduction that we're recording for a very special live-streamed episode that we did this week with the wonderful Roisin Conaty, James. Roisin Conaty. Oh, man. We've already recorded this one. It went out live. And if you saw it, you'll know that technically it was a disaster. It was a technical disaster. It was a sweaty-back nightmare. It made all of the great Benito's hair fall out. He used to have a luscious head of hair, and now he looks like a thug. That's like a little thug.

Now, apart from the content of the episode, everything that could go wrong did go wrong. Our guest had some issues signing onto the Skype chat. Then the guest had issues with their internet. Then James A. Castron had issues with his internet so we can hear James on the episode, but on the live-stream, we couldn't see James, which was a big disappointment because his facial expressions are a real highlight for the live-streamed episodes, I'd say. Yes, little bonus isn't it? Because of the podcast, you have to imagine what our faces look like. The bonus of it being on YouTube and live-stream is that you can see what our

faces are doing, but not for me. I've got my lamp ready. I've got my mash crown ready that someone made for me. It all went to waste. Then throughout the episode, we had issues. I don't think Roshin had muted something, so you could hear us talking back through Roshin's computer. She tried to put her headphones on, but her headphones didn't play anything through them. She still had the headphones short, even though they didn't do the one function their headphones are supposed to do. Nightmare, but I think the content was top notch.

It really was. I think Roshin is one of the perfect off-menu guests. We've been waiting to get her on for a long time. I think her choices were great. She had brilliant reasons for all of them. You're in for a real treat. It's a very good menu. It's a very funny menu. A lot of great stuff came out of it, and I really hope you can hear all of it, because technically, Benito's done his best. I'm going to put my hands up and say, Benito has done his best to sift through the absolute torrent of shit that we put out there. It's a bonus. I hope you enjoy it. Apologies for the sound issues. I promise that in a few series time, we'll get Roshin back on in a proper recorded environment where we can

actually sit her down and have a proper chat. For now, this is just being a nice little intro. There was a secret ingredient, James. There was a secret ingredient. It was carrot. Carrot. Fake chocolate. Fake chocolate. We probably even picked it on a previous episode. I don't know. I hope we did. I hope it just adds to the absolute shambles that this episode is. But also, you said about Great Benito's work very hard. Just bear it in mind while you're listening to this podcast for every minute or two minutes that you listen to.

Benito's taken roughly 45 minutes to edit that. So just really bear that in mind how much sweat and tears he had to put into this before you go and tweet in him your little complaints. It's a bonus. We tried our hardest. It was to raise money for a good cause. It's the Cosmic Shambles Stay At Home Festival. It's to raise money for performers and artists who've lost their livelihood during the coronavirus. You can still drop some money in the jar. Go to cosmicshambles.com forward slash stayathome. Throw some money in the tip jar. To be honest, actually, don't complain about any of the episodes because they're all free.

I mean, for fuck's sake, those of you who do complain, what are you on? Where do you get off? You get something for free that no one forced you to listen to and then you complain about it. So at least with this one, put some money in the jar and help people out who have lost their livelihood. Right. Well, without further ado, I think we're very much putting off the inevitable. Let's crack on with the off-menu podcast of Roshin Carnity. Welcome. It's a slightly chaotic one. It's going to be very exciting. We've got an amazing special guest. I can't wait to introduce a special guest. Jeannie, fuck off. I've not

introduced you yet. No, fuck off. Right. Oh, but what's that lamp sat there? Oh, everyone, rub the screen. Give it a little rub. Rub some of the muck off your screen as well, you dirty buggers. Oh, who's that? Who's that coming now? Oh, it's the Jeannie. Hello, Ed. It's the Jeannie. Hello, James. How are you, mates? Very well. Thank you. Very excited to be here and to appear out of my lamp as per usual. Slightly. I'm just enjoying the calm after the storm. It's normally traditional to have a calm before the storm. Oh, now this is something that I've seen James getting ready for quite a long time. His Mash King crown. I don't know if anyone watching out there

is aware of the lore of the Mash King, but here is the Mash King in all his glory. How many mashers are on the crown, James? Oh, one, two, three, four, five. Five mashers on the crown. Does it fit me? Not really. I'll be honest. For me, your picture froze about five minutes ago. You are completely still holding the Mash crown in a perfect position. Hopefully for people at home. Oh, good. No, it's frozen for the producers as well. Quite possibly at home, there are people now just watching a frozen picture of you with the Mash crown on, which is how frozen mash. It's not nice. It's how I'd want to remember you. If this is the last time I ever saw you, it is you completely frozen holding

the Mash crown. This is a disaster. Hopefully you're going to come back to us in picture as well as audio soon, James. But how's lockdown going for you? I'll put it in your head. Just hanging out with Jason McKenzie a lot. Mainly just hanging out with Jason McKenzie and talking about our lives and our hopes and our dreams. It's been real nice, actually. Does it get to know him? Who are you spending more time with, Mackenzie or Mackenzie or your girlfriend? It's pretty evenly split. They get quite jealous of one another, so I had to time it. I'm speaking of one of them. The time it goes on, I'm like, sorry, got to go. The other person, have a chat with them for a bit, set the timer again.

Time will come because I'm a genie, wait for him. This is an absolute nightmare. I should probably say now we're doing this for a good cause. This is for the Cosmic Shambles Stay At Home Festival, which is to raise money for performers, artists and musicians who've lost their livelihood during this damn virus. There should be a link on the video now. You can donate. Please go and put some money in CosmicShambles.com forward slash stayathome. You can also donate. Go and do that now because quite frankly, there's some performers here who appear to have not only lost their livelihood, they've lost their fucking minds. James, have you pressed the video? Yes, I pressed the video. It's just not coming up. It's just not doing

it. I've never had this before. I've never had this with Skype before, and it's the most amount of effort I've put into the visual element of Skype. I've never been here with a lamp and a match count on, and yet, completely, nothing's coming up. Do you think that's why? Do you think you've put, you're doing too much and it can't handle it? Yeah, just knew. It knew that it mattered and now look at it. It's absolutely nonsense. The producers just said, worst case, we can put a still of James up. Right, James, here's what we're going to do. We're going to crack on with the task in hand. This podcast and the Food Podcast, we interview a special guest about their favourite.

Starter, main course, dessert, side dish, and drink. And our special guest this week is Roshin Conaty. Every week we have a special ingredient, and if the special ingredient gets mentioned by a guest, the guest gets removed from the restaurant. Right now, quite frankly, it's like the genie mentioned the special ingredient because he has been removed from the restaurant. Roshin, don't look at the screen. I'm going to hold up a sign of the secret ingredient. So close your eyes. Okay. You're good, Roshin. You can open your eyes again now. Right, James, shall we crack on? Yes, let's welcome Roshin Conaty to the Dream Restaurant. She's here. Roshin, how are you doing? I'm doing so well. I'm so proud

of us for plowing on because this has been pretty spicy. None of us may have worked You look like you're in a hostage situation. I don't know. Are you in a bin? It looks like you're sitting in a bin. Oh, this? Oh, yeah, Oscar the Grouch. Yeah, I'm going to see the top of it. It looks like you're doing a bit and you're stood in a bin. And I was like, oh, it's in a bin with a tash. Right, Roshin, welcome to the restaurant. We are going to plow on diligently, like you say. Here we go. So are you, don't cry, Roshin. I'm here, mate. This is it. Roshin, I'll be honest with you and this will sound mean. If you cry, it will be hilarious. I don't want you to cry, but it will be the

perfect ending to this episode. If you cry, then we will all go offline. Full subs. Do you want full subs or just a gentle flow? Roshin, it's a question we ask straight away. Are you a foodie? Yes, I am. Proudly since 1984 or five is when I realised that I was in the top tier of foodies. What happened in 84, 85 that made you realise that? I had five servings of cake and custard at school dinners. Was that because Live Aid was on in 84? It wasn't it? It was because they had a cake that they hadn't had for a while and I thought they're not going to have this for a while and I went up four or five times and I thought, I like food more than other people.

What was the cake? Do you remember what the cake was? The coconut sponge cake, you know, with the custard. And the jam on top. Oh yeah, that sounds good. James means that. That's when we hear James being genuinely sincere and just all that sounds good. Nothing to follow out with, no humor. That sounds good. He's imagining the cake. It made me feel like I'd gone up to him in a hotel bar and told him that song. So, I feel like we should crack on with the menu in hand, James. Do you want to kick off the ordering process? Still a sparkling water, Roshine Conaty. Oh, sparkling please. What? I just thought it would be funnier to leave it.

It's really funny because every time there's a silence, Roshine assumes that the whole thing's gone offline and her eyes panic wildly. I like sparkling water because I like fizzy drinks and so I like to get a sparkling water. A sparkling water makes you feel like you're out. I think a water feels a bit sort of, you're not getting involved really. You're just having a water. You're not out for a party, you know? This is your top three fizzy drinks now. Coca-Cola is the king of the drinks and Fanta and then 7up. Ed, are they all the Coca-Cola company or have I got that wrong there? I've got no idea, James. You seem to be more across the corporations than I am. I just buy

for the label. Fanta is the Coca-Cola company. I know that for a fact. I thought someone said, what's up, Jude? But if they didn't, it was to someone, one of you guys. You've just got a load of family there. Rosh, relax. No one's watching anymore. This is just a chat. I'm a big fizzy drinker. I've got better. Now I at least have the ones without sugar, but I would say half of my personality is from Coca-Cola. I really noticed it when I haven't had it. Half of your personality? There's a real drop in sort of verb. I don't have a lot going. If I haven't had a Coca-Cola in a couple of days, it's very, well, it's very flat. How much Coca-Cola are you drinking on a daily

basis? Is this an intervention? Yes. I've got better, but a lot really... When I was a kid, I said, you're too young, but they used to sell super, super sized coaxes. I used to drink a whole one of those at lunch, which are like the size of like a tenant's beer. It was like 10 or 11. Terrible parents. What? Like a big can? You just, as a kid, just started there with a massive can. Did you have a rollie as well? If I could have got my hands on one, I would have, but I'd open it at break and have a bit and then put it in my locker and then have the rest of it during the day. So you drink it flat out of your locker? In a brown bag, in a brown paper bag. Yeah, because I wasn't allowed coats. We're bringing a brown bag. You weren't allowed to bring

anything in school. Did you have your lunch in a spindle? A what? A spindle? Yeah, that's like a Trump thick, you know, like a cartoon. Great word. I've never had that word. Thanks. You can use it. We've got a flower. I'm sweating. I've got the sweats. Like I'm on stage and they're going off, off. And I'm like, gotta get peed. James Shelton. Dobs are bread. Dobs or bread? Okay. I'm going to go poppadoms. They complement. They don't try and gazzump. Nice. They know they're just, they're just greeters. They don't try and get into the party. Bread. Bread shows up dressed to the nines. It wants in. It causes trouble, but it comes dressed as a friend. I'm sick of the poppadoms. Thank you. So you want, you think bread's a bit

of a bully. It pretends it's a friend, but really it's just trying to take over your life. Bread's one of those things. It's like, it acts like it's just doing no harm. It's sort of just like just a bit of bread. They throw it down like this bread. What's the big deal? Like a drugs video. And then you're like, you know, 20 bowls into it. And you're like, I can't eat anything. It's just terrible. You should not get involved with bread at dinner. It's mad. The maddest thing ever. So it's like, you know, then you always forget about it. Oh, bread, my own friend. And then destroy your food. And the poppadom is quite a meek character, would you say? The poppadom is, it gets you going. It's not trying to finish you off.

But it presents itself as a course. Yes. So it kind of is a bit more open and honest. It's like, look, I look like a meal. I've got my own dips and everything. Exactly. And it's saying, I'm just here to sort of do this thing. It's not, yeah, it's not trying to pretend it's not there and cause trouble. Also, the dips, the dips are finite. So I always find if I've got a load of poppadoms and I finish one of the dips, I know I've probably had too many poppadoms. Yeah. I don't deal with the dips. I like, I go, I have my poppadoms neat. You go dry, do you? Yeah. 10 poppadoms hold the dips. The dips add a different story. If you're going to say poppadom with dips or bread,

dips add a whole other, you're getting involved in some, you know, you're throwing some texts about, you're getting involved in things. You can't pretend it's an innocent, an innocent not meal. It's sort of getting into the territory. It's bordering on starter. But if you're not having dips, your mouth must be arid. I've got sparkling water and Coca-Cola. Are you listening? You must be slamming that sparkling water. Just raise your leg and earn full of ashes. That's what people say about my mouth. She's got a mouth very full of ashes. I actually think that's the best justification for poppadoms we've ever had.

Can you? God, are you just encouraging me because I'm sweating so much with beer? No, we can't, and also we can't see the sweat, Roche. Don't worry about it. Can you tell that I'm sweating, Roche? I'm sweating so much. I'm, James, all I'm thinking of you is a little flying thing. I really don't know if you're flying a sort of round, but now we can see it. It makes me feel comforted. Yes. Well, that's exactly what's happening then. Imagine that. We all feel better. We come to your starter, Roche, which you hopefully haven't ruined by putting dips with your poppadoms. Okay. And what is your dream starter?

My dream starter is very plain, halloumi. On its own? No. Coriander and tomatoes and lemon. And mango chutney and lime pickle. And poppadoms. And poppadoms, yeah. I think it's one of them. It's a starter that you know you can order it. If you're really hungry, it will, it does that thing of going, probably will eat a starter and it will just fill you up. It's tasty, but it's also not going to infect the main meal with a different mood. You've got to protect your moods at dinner. Each meal is like a little mood and you can't just go around acting psychotic. You need to know what mood you are. Halloumi is a straight down the line starter.

I don't like starters that are small versions of a meal. That's not a starter. I'd say that's exactly what a starter is. A small version of a proper meal. Mini meal. No. Come on, mate. Set it straight. Set it straight, Rosie. Hey, so you can't have pasta as a starter. You can't have meat, really, I would say. You can have a prawn. You can have a bit of cheese. And you can have leaves. And then you have to do So you're saying no pasta as a starter. No meat. No. What is your problem with Italian people? They do lovely, lovely mains. Okay, you can have, I'll add a caveat. Like a smoked meat, you can have. But you're going with, I think Halloumi is an excellent choice.

Thank you. Don't you like town with your moshie? It shouldn't be mini meals. They should not be. They should have their own dance card. They should not come dressed for dinner. Your main issue at the moment seems to be food, dressing as other things. We're not dressing as other things, but like not being, it's like having a, having its own brand. Like a starter should feel like, oh, that's what you have at a starter. Otherwise it's chaos. Why not have cake for a starter? I mean, I would, but I respect the medium.

So I'm going to take, I'm going to take you to task on this. You're saying Halloumi is a starter. I would say it more as a side. I think you're bringing a side in to be your starter. I think sides and starters, I'm willing to, if we're going to make a deal here, I am willing to speak to my lawyers and say that I think sides and starters can be interchangeable. So you could have a chip, you could have chips as a starter. Calamari can be both. Halloumi can be both. Prawns, maybe prawns not both. She's got you. They can be, they can be interchangeable. And sometimes your best meals are just a whole

range of starters and sides. If they are proper starters, as opposed to mini dinners. I am completely behind Halloumi as a starter. How many slices are you having? Because I've never once opened a pack of Halloumi and not eaten the whole block. I think four. I like it to be in the shape of the cross. I like the presence. It's very easy to present in a nice way as well, if you, if you're making it home, but in restaurants, it always looks, it's just as safe. There's no, especially when we're giggling and travelling. So I'd have four slices, no more than that. After that, you're going into Rubberland.

Rubberland, yeah. Roshid, when you put the Halloumi in the shape of the cross, what him do you sing? I know. When you ate your Halloumi. I'll sing probably, I can't fit, little donkey maybe, not one of the big ones. Just one of the little ones, just sort of, so it's all a bit peaceful. Donkeys are good to him. It's about a donkey. Yeah, and it's not too religious either, is it? No, you don't want to do that while you're eating. That gets really weird and we'll just upset loads

of people. So I was like, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not here being like, I have Halloumi in the shape of a cross, don't care, it's Lord. I just mean, I like the shape of a four. You don't, you don't want to start going into Rubberland, do you? No, not Rubberland. That's the thing. Same things. You get, like people, three bits and you're like, they're still good, fourth bit and you're like, I'm good to go now. They've got all rubbery. What? No, I'm not. I knew what Rubberland meant and then you said food is like people, you have three bits is okay and then a fourth bit. What, what, what people are you having three bits of and then a fourth bit? Because certain people you can have lots of and you go,

it's fine, I can eat, I can eat them all day metaphorically. You can do them and then other people you're like, oh, they're great, but they're, they're olives. You want to sprinkle them on, you don't want to have them around more than you would have olives. You don't have a bowl of olives. You have a couple, you have a handful. You like olives and you just don't need them full time in your bowl. Yes, okay. So I'm going to, I didn't think I'd bring this up this soon. I would say the same for pesto. There's only a certain amount of pesto I could eat spread out in a big bowl of pasta. I certainly couldn't, for example, Roisin, eat pesto out of the jar with a spoon. You could if you were drunk and you were in Edinburgh and you had no food and you were with a giant man who

was bringing you into making a pasta dish that you don't know how to make. So Christopher, listen as you might not have caught the Greg Davis episode, he ratted Roisin out for eating pesto from the jar with a spoon. A pair of us, not on my own. It was neat and it was, and we were listening to Dolly Parton and it was three o'clock in the morning and we were going to cook, we were living, there was loads of us living in a flat, you know, and then everyone hadn't come back and we thought people were going to bring us some food and they didn't. And then we just sent the pesto neat. The problem is with that is that I don't think there's any story that you can tell that will justify it. I've had a meal with you, James. Do you remember that time? Yeah, we had a lovely meal

but you didn't put a jar of pesto and eat it neat in front of me. No, but we had no knives and forks and we ripped fish. Oh yes, we did. The first time I met Roisin, yeah, we had a memorable dine and expose. We did a gig and we were standing in the same hotel and after the gig we realised we were both starving and so we went to a fish and chip shop, got fish and chips, got back to the hotel, realised we didn't have any cutlery so we sat down and ate it with our raw, our bare hands and it was, I still think it's probably the greasiest meal I've ever had and I ate it with my hands. Like it was more greasy than most fish and chips. And hotel is a very complimentary way of saying what we were saying because the bathrooms weren't part of the rooms so there

was like separate, you had to like share the bathrooms with other residents. There were like little tiny little dorms and James is so, such a gentleman he said, you know, and there was no windows, they're like cupboards. And James was like, in my room, we ate this stinky fish with our hands. Yeah, I don't eat well in Scotland, even though they are very good food, but yeah, I've had the pesto and the fish and chips for broken Scotland. How much of a pesto did you eat? How much of the jar did you get through? It started off, it was like one of those things where like we can't do this and then it was done and we don't both sort of remember. We were sort of like, no, we'll have a bite. And then it was sort of like looking for crackers, looking for bread,

looking, and then we just, for the worst, it was like, because we're like brother and sister, by the end, it was genuinely like, you take a bite because it was like passing it back to each other and taking a bite, you have a bite, I'll have a bite so that we both made sure we got our fair share. I wouldn't consider eating pesto from the jar necessarily. I think there are things you can eat direct from the jar. Peanut butter? Yes. Nutella? Yes. Is there anything else? There's a YouTube video of a guy eating an entire jar of Nutella. It's the whole thing and one guy, it's all sped up. And then at the end, he says to the camera, I ate a whole jar of Nutella

today. What did you do? Well, that is reframing a bad thing very well. And I had to pour it. Imagine if Roshin watched that video on the day she ate a jar of pesto. What did you do? Oh, I ate a jar of pesto. This has no effect on me. I shared a jar of pesto with my friend, Greg. We passed it back and forth like a brother and sister. You know, like the traditional brother and sister thing. It is a traditional thing where it's like, we both knew it was disgusting, but we were so hungry.

It was like a brother. We were emotionally bereft. It was late. Rod Gilbert hadn't brought us back chips. Like he said, he would. We were just sad. We just had to eat what was there. But it's a, yeah, I mean, it was pretty dark to wake up the next day and I think it was like Lloyd Langford. Like, if anyone saw the pesto, we're like, that reflects badly on Lloyd that he woke up and his first thought in the morning with, where's the pesto? I think I've had more conversations of Lloyd saying, is there bacon? Where's bacon? Than any other thing I've ever told you about. At one point, I think he was like being sponsored. It was, he likes bacon more than, more than anyone. I've ever known.

Always just very disrespectful to the police and just kept on saying it to you when you're out at the belt. Do you smell bacon, Roshi? I always smell bacon. Alumi is your starter. Your main course is? Roast chicken. I fought for a second there. You were, when you said, when you said roast, when you were halfway through the same roast, I thought you were just going to say your own name as the main course. I think myself. I want you to know, roast chicken. I mean, it's the best dish of all the dishes because you can take it anywhere. If you want to take a roast chicken out in winter, you put some potatoes around it. You want to take it out in the summer. You put some

coleslaw. You put some green salad around it. A roast chicken is a friend. When you say you want to take it out, do you mean like out and about? Not out. Not in the clubs. That is the only place not called roast chicken is in the clubs. But it's a sort of wherever you are in the world, especially if you just need your food to be like, I need to have a nice meal. I think a roast chicken is, it's very tasty, but it also, you can create a thousand meals from it. And so that's my favorite of all the, I'll always try and build from the roast chicken.

Okay. Well, yes. I would definitely order roast chicken in a club. Why? If it was available, imagine standing in the middle of the dance floor and everyone else has got like a gin and tonic and stuff and then a way to bring you a full roast chicken. My friend saw her first boyfriend recently and he was eating a whole chicken in the street, but talking to him about eating a chicken like he was, like he was sipping a drink. So he was like, have a bit, yeah, have a bit and see his whole chicken. And then he was just and I thought, yeah, I suppose how much meat can you hold in the street? You can eat a wing maybe? Same with fruit. I want mango in the street and I've got a lot of looks

like people like, whoa, whoa, do you think you're eating an apple or some mango? A whole chicken in the street. I really, I would have loved to have seen that. That's when you realize you made the right decision about the relationship when you see the meeting the roast chicken in the middle of the street, like a king. Yeah. He was on a holiday with us once where I was in Corfu and this is a food story I haven't got mad and I was in, was it Corfu? And this guy comes to the table, the waiter is very nice, well, it's his restaurant every night. And then Kefalonia, he was in Kefalonia. And then he said, he haven't had Kefalonia pie, haven't had my pie, my mum makes it every night.

And then he was like, oh my God, he said, it's the best, it's the greatest pie, like it's the greatest thing you'll eat. And he had not let me down. I've been there for two weeks, not a bad meal. He came out, I go with a pie. I think, well, why not? And what he puts in front of me, I'm not that fussy, like I'll sort of give anything a go bar bread and butter pudding, we'll get to that. But like I put it in my mouth and every part of my body went into like, no, like you can't, I can't swallow it, I can't do. And my friend Kim was so she was like, because she was like, you better eat that pie. And I was like, his mum's made it. So it's like a row at the table about me and the pie. And because they put me under so much

stress, I had to tip it into my new handbag. Yeah, that was my worst. What was in the pie? Can you remember? It was horror. Like, and it was just, it was, it was the worst thing I know, but it was just jazz, but not good. It was like really bad. Like my brain was not, it was danger. I ate danger. I knew it was dangerous, whatever it was. What did you do with your bag afterwards? I couldn't throw it out there to give it to these cats. So all the Caffoloni cats on the way home spilling this pie out of the bag. For the worst one, be able to compliment him. He was like, you like the pie? And then he

taught me more. It was really awful. I bet it completely ruined the roast chicken you brought out with you. Yeah. I mean, I love a roast chicken. You won't get a better, you can't beat a roast chicken. And if you feel down, cook a roast chicken. I've been doing a lot of lockdown roast chickens. They're great. They're so great. If you're obviously, if you're not, if you're not veggie, roast chicken, some potatoes. It's nice. It's a nice meal. Guess how many chickens Ed had at one point during lockdown? How many chickens have you had during lockdown, Ed? Well, at any one time, at one point, guess how many chickens he had? It's not, it's a difficult guess because I'll tell the story in a sec. I'm going to say three. That would be a lot, wouldn't it? That would be too much,

I think, three would. Just say the number first, Ed, and then tell the story. No, because it's not in whole chickens, is it? So what happened was I was using a food delivery service that normally deliver to restaurants, but have pivoted delivering to houses during the during the lockdown. So I thought, great, the problem is, it's still, the way I navigated it wasn't ideal. And I didn't look at a lot of the descriptions for what I was ordering. I just saw chicken and pressed order. And I accidentally ordered five kilograms of chicken thighs. Oh my God. Wow. The problem is, they also brought 12 chicken Supremes and a whole chicken. The guy looked so confused as well, because you have to put in a restaurant name, because that's part of the app. So it just said Ed's place on the box.

Oh my God. How much have you eaten? Well, I put a lot in the freezer, and we had two friends who live nearby during their government sanctioned walk, walked past the front path, and I left them a big bag of chicken. Oh God. Didn't know that bit. I didn't know that little detail. Yeah, but I'm not going to keep all that. I don't need all that chicken. Other people needed the chicken, so I need to just get rid of the chicken. Oh, good idea. You can't go out, so I can't take a roast chicken out, can I? No, no, no. It's very nice of you. Don't get me wrong, but what a thing to see if anyone saw that. Just a bag of chicken. Yeah, I felt like I was doing a drug deal. Yeah, like a really weird... I suppose if it carries on like this, that will be the kind of deals we're

doing, but I'll bring you a wing for a spud, sort of thing. Roast chicken is your main, and Ed argues a side dish for your starter, so what is your actual side dish with this roast chicken? Okay, so in the winter, up until April, I'm going to go roast potatoes, red cabbage, broccoli, very traditional, and really great gravy, like a red wine gravy. After April, you want all the salads. You don't want to commit to anyone. You want all of them around the plate, so it's just a load of colour, but the king is still the roast chicken. Everyone else is just a guest. So I like that you're dividing your side dishes by the tax year. Of course, everyone's got to pay their tax. When you say all the salads,

can you start listing them, please? Okay, so first of all, if we do a Greek salad, is a safe intro salad for people not familiar with the salad. You sort of leaves, red onion, olives, then I'm going to go like a red cabbage and coleslaw, like when you get kebab shops, which we should sell in shops, and they don't, and it's infuriating. It's a lovely, lovely dish. Do you get the juicy pepper with that? The ones we get, the light green ones? They're so good. I'd have some of that. I'd have some potato salad, most of it 80s, but I'd have it there as an option. I'd have avocado, pine nut, pesto salad. I'm very sweet cornered. I'd have a Tex-Mex salad. I think you should make it all

so you can have five different meals based off that one chicken. What you've done here is you've lulled it into a false sense of security because your start has been halloumi, simple. Main course, roast chicken, simple. Side dish, a thousand different things. If it's one side dish, if you want me to go one, I'm going to say roast potatoes. I think roast chicken and roast potatoes is the most comforting of foods, and it levels you out. It's the tea of food. Brilliant. If someone said to me, a podcast guest in the future will say,

roast chicken and roast potatoes is the tea of food. In one guest, I'd say Roche and Conaty. That's the brand. What? James, you're 40. Yeah, I've never made them before. You never had them or you never made them? Oh, I had them. Imagine if he'd never had roast potatoes. I've had the tea of food before, but I hadn't made them before.

How did you do? What was your technique? I followed a thing I found online, and I boiled them first so they were soft but not done. Then I put them in the pan or put them in the tray with olive oil, salt and pepper, squashed them all, then put them in. No, I wasn't expecting that. Roche's face. That face was bad. Because I tell you what, me and Roche were thinking you were going down the standard route.

Parboil, shake them a little bit in the pan in hot fat, whack them in the oven. No one was expecting to squash them. That was like a rage cook. You decided they needed to be taught a lesson. Squashed them, kicked the shit out of the cooker, put them on. Why did you squash them, mate? It's said to do it. So if you squash them all, they get crispier.

You get more crispy bits because they get all, so it squashes them. Then the outside, there was more crispy stuff, little bits of crispiness. And they're very nice like that. Was this recipe from the Incredible Hulk website? Yes. Were they like potato cakes then, like flat? No, no, no. I didn't go mad.

You just give them a little squash with like a spatula. Push down on them, so you squash them all a little bit. So they're like bursting at the seams, but not smashed. So they're kind of like puffing out their jackets a bit. And then you put them in and then roast them up. Once the mash king, always the mash king. Yeah, I've got a mash in. Yeah, what's happened here is you've not made roast potatoes.

You've made flat, hot mash. Yeah. You turn them when you were cooking them. No. Oh, interesting. It's not interesting. It's fucking rubbish. Didn't know that was the rule.

I mean, halfway through, I put the broccoli in with them. You don't. You put your pastips in your carrots in, the broccoli. Yeah, yeah, just chuck the broccoli in. And I looked up at best what we had some broccoli in the interviews and up. And I was like, Mackenzie, give me that. Give me that. Give me my phone.

I had a little look and it said most of broccoli had a nice recipe for it. So I put it in with it. I put, or first of all, I tossed the broccoli when it was still raw with olive oil and lemon juice and salt. Then I put it in the same tray as the potatoes. And when it came out, I put the broccoli in a separate bowl and covered it in parmesan and pepper and tossed it around in there. And that was very nice.

And also, I should add, that just before my squashed roast potatoes were done, I chopped some chopped spring onions on top of them. Oh, nice. James, I'll be in. I'm sold on the squashed roast potatoes in the roast broccoli. Sounds genuinely nice. Don't forget, we're doing this for Cosmic Shambles Stay At Home Festival. It's to raise money for performers and artists who have lost their livelihood

during this difficult time. If you go to CosmicShambles.com forward slash Stay At Home, you can leave a tip in the jar. And there should be a link on the video that you're watching now as well. We would love you to chuck in a little bit. And that will go to some people who really need it. Now, let's crack on with the menu. We're coming to your drink now.

You said you liked fizzy drinks earlier. Yeah. I'm going to crack open one of my own. Can you hear that? It gives me a feeling that noise. Like, it's visible. Like, it's like the smell of the cinema. I'm like, oh, someone's got a fizzy drink.

Love it. This is my favourite fizzy drink. What is it? My girlfriend ordered it for me the other day as a surprise. I'm extremely excited. 24 cans of it. Causton Press. So you're familiar with Causton Press?

Yes, lovely. Rebob, Causton Press. Not Rebob. No. Yep. The Rebob one's my favourite. I hate Rebob. Oh, when I die,

bury me with Causton Press. Causton Press is lovely. I like that. Rebob. My mum, my whole life, makes Rebob crumble and then pretends that we've not had the conversation where I told her I don't like Rebob. It's really, it's like, it's really dark, actually. What have you got against Rebob, mate?

Tastes awful. It's like a bitter, pointy, thick. It's disgusting. It has no bliss point. No one can enjoy that. It's a vegetable disguised as something. It's horrible. I hate it.

You are so suspicious of food dressing up as other things yet again. Yes, it's awful. And in a crumble, it is dressed up. It looks innocent. If I have a crumble and then you get into this like swamp food, this disgusting bitter, hellscape taste, you're just like, ah. Does it creep you out that it makes a sound when it grows? I knew there was something wrong with it.

It makes a sound when it grows. So they, when they, when they fought, they forced grow Rebob. They forced grow it. What are they doing? They wonder if it's in a foul mood. They grow it in the dark. So it grows quicker because it's growing to try and find the light, but there is no light for it to find.

And it's growing so quickly that if you listen to it in, when it's growing indoors, it's creaking. You can hear it. That's how quickly it's growing. That's the saddest thing I've heard in a while. I've got, I've got PMT and that has broken me. That is a horror story. I'm strolling down to the orchard via the Rebob patch.

Open a cataclysm press, pour it down the hatch. I can't believe Paul Rebob. What a tale and I'm judging it for not being a nice guard. You don't, you never know people's stories. I like it. I'm drinking it down and I love it. I really like course and press. They could do with a few more bubbles.

No, I like the fact there's not many bubbles in it. And I love the Rebob taste. When I die, bear with me with cost of press. James had a beer before we started recording. He's the only person I know who's whimsical enough to drink a full beer and then go back for soft fizzy drinks. I love course and press head. I love it.

We're not even being sponsored by it. They haven't said there's any freebies. I love course and press so much. This is not the first time I've sung these songs. I sing them around the flat all the time. I love it. Your drink grocery. My drink would be because I don't drink alcohol anymore.

So that's all changed. So I'm probably, if I'm, if I'm trying not to look like a child and it's a very posh restaurant, I'll order something like, you know, elderflower, soda water and elderflower sort of thing. Hair in my eye. Damn it. And if I'm with my real friends, I'm going to go, I've probably ordered a couple of drinks,

like a Coca-Cola, sparkling water and lime and a tap water. I like three in front of me at all times. A flight. Oh yeah, exactly. I like, I like a little selection of drinks. A meze of drinks. I think we can, I think we can let you have three soft drinks if you're not having alcohol.

I think you can have a flight, a flight of soft drinks. Perfect for me. Because then, you know, and then I can sort of mix around them with the courses and work out what goes with what. So what are you going for? Coke, Sprite and Fanta. Coke, elderflower and like a water. There's a straight water.

And if I could see it a bit easier, hold on. We're just, sorry, I can't see James. And yeah, kind of just straight. What's the weirdest, I might go, but occasionally I'll go for it. Oh, and non-alcoholic beer as well. I've discovered those lately. They're quite good if you don't want to get into conversation about not drinking.

People just think you're drunk because they talk so fast. So suddenly a drink disguised as another drink was okay in your book, is it? Oh, he got you. He's got you now. I've got you, I've been waiting and I've got you. Yes, I think that's my only one. Not only one, but yeah, having a non-alcoholic beer,

I think sometimes if you're out and it just eases everyone else around you, if you're not drinking, it just makes everyone, like, rather than saying, you're not drinking, you're not drinking. Casting, casting, casting, press. You ask me if I want one, I'll say yes. James, you could do, you could really do some jingles. Yeah, I could do some jingles.

I'm trying to use this for that at the moment. Hopefully, I'm going to get some jingle work off the back. You could do really great jingle work. Is that what it's called, jingle work? Yes. Yeah, I think it's called jingle work. James, if we threw some products at you now, could you come up with jingles straight off the back?

Well, it depends. I could try to, yeah. But you know, bear in mind, I love Causton Press, so that's how I'm able to do it. But what about bats? Because they've had a really bad press because of everything. So if you have to read, you have to do bats. How are you going to make a bats bat?

It's flying in the air. It's a little bad. It's a skinny little bat. It is not bad. It landed on my shoulder. It told me a secret. It said, I'm a nice bat. Come to my house.

So we went to his house. And what was in the house? It was a lovely mouse. It was married to a mouse, bats and mice. That is very nice. And they had some babies and they were called Bice. Oh, that was cool. Really good, actually.

I really like that he lived with a mouse because of my big television idea. Bear in mind, you have a very successful sitcom already, Roshi. And this is your big television idea. It's called Animals Meeting Animals. And it's just animals who wouldn't have met other animals. And we just watched them meet. Four hours on a Sunday, if you're hungover

and you just watch a horse meet an owl. You watch a donkey meet a fish. You just watch and you bring them to places that they wouldn't have met. And a mouse meeting a bat. Yes, I want to get up for that, thanks. A donkey meeting a fish. No, maybe not a fish, but like a dolphin.

Also, you gave examples of animals that could quite possibly meet. A horse meeting an owl, that completely makes sense. Being in the same meeting each other, probably. Okay, I'll rabbit meeting a goat. But like, meeting each other. That's still going to happen in real life. Meeting a bear meeting a sheep.

Yep, sheep's dead. The end of that episode is that the sheep is absolutely dead. And the bear is destroying it. This is the problem why I haven't actually made this show is because of the dead. We're going to have a bunch of dolphins pushing around a donkey corpse in the water. Just passing a donkey between themselves

as it floats slowly on the top of the surface. A tiger meeting a tiger. I feel like I've got into a hitch meeting. It's gone really fast. Yeah, well, you stop naming predators. Stop going a tiger. Learn from the bear thing. Okay, a bear.

No, not a bear. Okay, a rabbit meeting a lamb. That sounds nice. Right. That sounds nice, yeah. But they could meet in the field, though. Yeah, but you haven't seen it. I haven't seen it.

I'm presuming they do meet. I'm just saying, let's capture this. Let's see them meet and see them going. I just want to see the first time a lamb's like, what's that? Would you do a voiceover for it? Oh, yeah, free. As long as I could be there for the big guns. You know, like for your heavyweight animals

meeting each other, like a bear meeting a horse, a gorilla and a bear. Oh my God, they've never met. Oh, no. Yeah, but that'd be a horrible fight. No, no, you don't let them fight. They would fight. You put a thing in between them,

but you just let them see each other. A glass room, a glass wall. And then you see the gorilla go like, you look sort of hard, but you're not a gorilla. And the bear's like, what is this guy? But wouldn't they both just start smacking the glass and like beating their paws and face to a bloody pulp? It's better than he's sending us.

I've watched that all day. So, Roshin, your idea for a TV show is a zoo. No, not a zoo. They only meet for a minute. They meet for a little bit. It's a meet and greet. And then they're back to their respective homes. There's no living there.

They have to just meet quickly. Say hello. A lamb meeting a gorilla. No, the lamb's dead. This is Tom. Tom is a 17-year-old gorilla. This is Lucy. She's a three-week-old lamb.

This is Tom seeing her. Oh, Tom's running towards her. Cuts. That's it. James, can you do the theme music for this show? Yep. Oh, okay. Tom and Lucy, they are getting busy. Tom is a gorilla and Lucy's a missy little lamb.

They're in a field. Tom will yield and Lucy is dead. And we come to your dessert. My favourite course. This might be spicy. Uh-oh. I will have no problem shutting my laptop if you say what I think you're going to say.

A cup of tea and a Kit Kat. A cup of tea and a Kit Kat. I'm fine with that. I'll let that happen. A cup of tea. It's the roast chicken of drinks. It is. And sometimes at dinner, you have a lovely meal

and then you think, now I've got to go into the whole other world of dessert. I love a dessert. Don't get me wrong. But sometimes at dinner, really nice lovely meal and you think, you know what I really would like? A cup of tea and a Kit Kat.

Or like a bowl of tea. So they make it look like something new and like Kit Kat's bits round the side. That's what you want. A cup of tea and a Kit Kat. What kind of Kit Kat is it? You're traditional for fingers, but maybe give a six

because you know you like to feel a bit sick after dessert to know that because you're going to pay seven pounds for it and you know how much Kit Kat costs. I think about it a lot. Why can't I just get a Kit Kat now? Where do you stand on the Kit Kat chunky? Because I would argue it is superior

to the Kit Kat. Uh-oh. No, it's fine. It's good. It's a fine bar of chocolate. But the Kit Kat itself is, I think it's a perfect sort of sweet thing. It's, there's no,

you don't add any more to it. It's brilliant. It's a perfect thing. And especially in the way it, when you add it with a tea, you know? Yeah, I think with tea, there's, it's the nicest dessert. It's such a comforting dessert.

Oh, that's exactly what I need. I don't need a massive cake or a bowl of ice cream or whatever. Are you dipping it in your tea? Or are you taking a bite of the Kit Kat and then a swig of the tea? Or a swig of the tea and then you're putting the Kit Kat in somehow?

Imagine that. No, don't do that, Roche. Feel like, did it? Someone's already made a meme out of it. I'm going to dip, I think put the Kit Kat in. Also, I quite like, because it makes me feel very decadent,

putting the whole four fingers in the cup and then just biting it. Well, so you don't break off the Kit Kat finger by finger. You just bite it like a big, like you're biting someone's hand. Say I was in a work thing, or say I was like in a normal with people, I'd eat the Kit Kat.

But if I'm treating it as a dessert, I'll eat it like a cake. So I'll dip the four fingers in and bite it. Nothing but respect for that. Thank you. Absolutely. The best way to eat a Kit Kat, in my opinion, the fourth thing a Kit Kat

is just to eat it like one slab and bite it like that across the different fingers is great. You feel like a king. You feel like, look at me. Ooh. Yep. I went through a real phase of Kit Kats on trains, getting them from the train buffet car,

and they keep them in the fridge. And I was normally hungover for some reason. I'd be travelling back from a gig or travelling back from uni or something, and they'd kept them in the fridge. And a cold four finger Kit Kat is the perfect hangover cure. I like room temperature chocolate. Interesting.

I'm not against room temperature chocolate, but a cold dairy milk or a cold Kit Kat, I'd argue is better than a room temp dairy milk. Got a side of red on this one. I think a cold dairy milk potentially, but I think sometimes it takes too long for the flavour to melt, whereas when it's room temperature,

you get the chocolate hit straight away, and I'm all about getting as much of the hit. Now, Roshin, I need to bring this up. I've been getting into it during lockdown. Have you ever had a Tony's Choco Lonely Bar? No. What is it? I'll tell you what, it's the best chocolate on the market. I ordered every flavour the other day,

and it came in a big box. I've gone through them in a week. The other day, I was eating some Tony's Choco Lonely, and out loud, with a mouthful, said, I don't know how they do it. Where do you get this? The internet. You know what else you can get on the internet?

Go on. Casting, casting, casting, dress. I drink it down and I get rid of my stress. Tony's Choco Lonely is the best chocolate on the market. What does it consist of? What's it doing? What's its vibes? So, it's very chunky. You break it off. It's not in regular squares.

It's all like crazy paving. So, you just snap it off, and you might get a big bit, you might get a small bit, but they do an amazing milk one. They do a good dark one, but they do a salted pretzel one. They do a salted caramel one. They do a honey almond one.

It is phenomenal. Ed, I've got to be honest with you, right? We've been... You've bought this up on a text group that we're on, and you and a couple of members of the text group were waxing lyrical about Tony's Choco Lonely and how much you love it, and I was suspiciously silent during it,

because although I like Tony's Choco Lonely, I do not get why you're all so excited about it. For me, it doesn't really stand apart from the others. I hate to say it, because I do like eating it, and I don't want them to think I don't like their product, because I do. But you're like Rotor Damascus. Yeah, I'm evangelical about Tony's Choco Lonely.

I think it is the best chocolate out there. It's better than anything. And I'm sorry, James, it's better than Whittaker's. Whittaker's what? Well, both of those responses make me want to shut my laptop. I cannot believe that Ed said it in the first place. I can't believe that Motley doesn't know what Whittaker's is. Whittaker's is the best chocolate in the world, Rosy.

It's from New Zealand. Too soft. It's absolutely delicious. Every single type of Whittaker's makes me head over heels in love with chocolate all over again. But it is very different to... I guess you're either a Whittaker's boy or a Choco Lonely, a holic, right?

Because they're very different chocolates. I like Whittaker's, but it's a softer thing. Yes, it's softer. Yes, Choco Lonely is solid. They both sound great. I'm going to order both of them. I'm a big... I like chocolate as a real friend.

What did you think of all the different flavor Kit Kats that came out over the years? Mint, orange, the peanut chunky. All those ones. The orange was good. The orange is actually a good move. But the rest, I just felt... I think a lot of chocolate now isn't as good as the stuff...

Oh, my God, it should sound mad. But they invented... They haven't messed with the Kit Kats. So many other chocolate bars taste different because they've had to take sugar down because they're making them smaller. And it just feels like... I don't know, it's not right.

Same with crisps. They just don't take... Sometimes you're like, oh, they've taken all the salt out. It just doesn't taste like what it did. But Kit Kats just feel timeless. But the new versions of them taste a bit... I don't know, a bit more synthetic. I mean, I'll eat them.

I'll eat whatever's there. I'll eat any old chocolate. Hey, I think that's a great dessert. I think restaurants are genuinely missing a trick by not offering that as a combo. I think you're right. Oh, my God, I'm so pleased. We've not asked any questions about the cup of tea.

We've asked all our questions about the Kit Kats. We've not asked any questions about the cup of tea and how you're having that. Because you're the first person, I think, on the podcast who has actually chosen a cup of tea correctly if I'm wrong, Ed. It's a huge part of the dessert. I think it tells you that it's time for feeding timings over.

Tea, I am. So if I was making tea, I teabag hot water. And the main thing for me is you keep it moving. You don't leave tea sitting there. You keep it moving. Then you don't have any weird tannin. But you have to keep it moving so it's not brittle. And you don't get any weird...

But it needs to be strong. And then you put the milk in. Everything else, you don't leave... You don't put milk in to... It's madness that the tea needs hot water. You don't put milk in first. It's wild, wild. So you just put...

But the main thing I see is people leaving it brew. And tea doesn't brew. It just sort of stagnates. You have to keep it fresh. Keep it moving the whole time. So I like it like a... I'm funny about cups. So I'd have it in.

Okay, okay, we're doing it. A thin... Like a thin rimmed mug. I like the tea to be thick, but the cup to be thin. Yeah. Quite hot, but not burning. And a good teabag, like a Yorkshire teabag. Not PG tips.

Sorry, PG tips. And yeah. And I'd also... Friend of mine, she told me that she has got a pint cup because she always wants more tea than she makes in the morning. So it's the only thing I'm going to get. And she has that because she's like, of course you want more tea than a cup of tea in the morning.

You want a pint of tea. And so that's the thing I'm looking into at the moment. Yeah, of course you are. After whatever your Coca-Cola tenants can use to have. Now you want a pint of tea. Of course you do. Why don't we have a pint of tea? Why?

We made pop... We go, let's have a pot of tea. And you go, we could just have bigger cups. Like we did with the beer. Now, I'm probably going to upset some more listeners like when I said I didn't like Yorkshire puddings. I don't like tea. Whoa.

Okay. I don't... Well, I don't drink it. If someone said here's your only drink you can have, and it was a cup of tea, I'd be like, fine, I'll have it. But I don't drink it. I couldn't tell you the last time I had a cup of tea. So what do you have in the morning then?

Well, how do you know you're alive? Coffee. Coffee is too aggressive to wake up. It's not... Tea is... Roche, roche, wake up, roche, wake up. Coffee is a fuck out of bed. Yeah, that's what I need. I need every single nerve in my body tingling.

And I need to be doing a horrible shit within an hour of being awake. Then you should have a tea. You should have a tea first, and then it just gives you a little bit of a gentle... It's a gentle sort of start. It says, are you ready for a coffee? I'll have a coffee now.

I had it in my bottle. It's really awful. No wonder I'm half mad. But my mum, we were in Ireland a few years ago, my cousin had a baby. And then my mum was like, do you want to put tea? Do you want to put tea in the baby's bottle? And we're all...

Which was... I was like... She was like, oh, we all did. And you know, it is everyone. And I was like, I had tea in my bottle. I was like, you've explained so much. So it's a very... What's the thinking behind giving a baby a cup of tea?

What can go wrong? You're hot, milky, caffeine-dupped baby. Joe, what my mum and dad used to put in my baby bottle? Oh, yeah, what? Carsten, Carsten, Carsten, press. I'm a little baby and I drink it from the brain, yes. Hang on. You said it was from the bottle.

Are you now suggesting that your mum could produce Causton Press? That's why I love it so much. Yeah, clearly. Yep. That's what... I guess that's what I'm saying. Yeah. Oh, no.

Well, that's going to... Oh, I'm going to get a horrible test soon about that. I'm going to get one about the tea. It was the agent. People smoked in the hospitals. I don't know why I'm getting a bad laugh. They used to put your mum in the dark, didn't they? And if you opened the door, you could hear her creaking.

I can't feel a lie. That's what happened. I'm going to read your order back to you now, Roisin. See how you feel about it. You said you would like sparkling water. Then, poppadoms with none of the dips. You'd like halloumi with some coriander and tomatoes as your starter. Your main course is roast chicken.

Your side dish is roast potatoes. Your drink was a flight of soft drinks. And your dessert, cup of tea and a Kit-Kat. How are you feeling about that? I think it makes me sad. I've never eaten a Roisin. I think it sounds like I'm just trying to guess what I would get in a Roisin. I'm like, a Kit-Kat and a tea and a ball.

It sounds like the menu that someone who's pretending to be a human has gone. I imagine this is pretty fancy. It doesn't sound like someone who's travelled a lot. I've been very upset with that meal, if I'm honest. And if you like, we could serve the tea in a baby bottle. Oh, I mean, that is a whole other thing for restaurants anyway. Why don't they do that? They serve all the other stuff.

Roisin, that was a brilliant menu. Thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant. We've had a lot of fun. And hopefully, everyone at home enjoyed it despite technical issues. Thank you so much for having me. And it was a real treat. It was really nice to see you, guys. You're not down here, you James, even though I know you're a little tinkerbell,

James, flying around, drinking your coffee. Goodbye. Bye. Well, there we have it, the off-menu menu of Roisin and Conaty. I hope you enjoyed it, despite technical hitches and sound issues. We tried our hardest, Benito worked his damnedest, and I think it was a good menu and a good episode in the end, James. Yeah, do you know what?

We made the best of a bad situation. Everyone really pulled together. Spirit at the blitz, I think it was a good episode. I think it was the best episode we've ever done. James has called it best step ever. I actually think roast chicken being the tea of food is one of my favorite descriptions of a dish ever. Absolutely.

I mean, as you said, at some point it was like we really were talking to an alien who didn't know what food was. A marvelous episode, and James calling someone else an alien, despite having an alien-like aura about him, and also saying he cooked roast potatoes for the first time and squashed them. So- Well, a lot of people have stuck up for me about that. How do you know?

My mum texted me and told me that you guys do not know what you're talking about. So thank you very much for listening. Roisin did not say carob. Well done, Roisin, although she might have said it. And we just didn't pick it up because of the poor connection. It might have been with every single course. It might have been roast chicken and carob, and it just cut out just at that point.

So get out the restaurant then. Thank you for listening. If you want to donate some more money, chuck a tip in the jar if you enjoyed it. Even if you just want to stick a quid in if you can, that would be great. Go to kosmichambles.com forward slash stay at home. We'll be back next Wednesday with another regular episode recorded in a studio environment and edited.

And you can hear it. Yes. Goodbye. Farewell. Hello, it's me, Amy Glendale. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato, and our relationship's never been the same since.

And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case... Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News.

It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North because, look, we're two Northerners. Sure, but we've been living in London for a long time. The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News. We'd love you to listen to.

Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glendale's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog.

You've left it so late.