Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 61: Reggie Watts

Episode Date: May 20, 2020

It’s the most relaxed dream restaurant yet, as this week’s guest is Reggie Watts – comedian, musician and James Corden band leader. This episode was recorded on bean bags in Reggie’s LA studio.Watch Reggie Watts’ Netflix special ‘Spatial’.Follow Reggie on Twitter: @reggiewattsRecorded by Ben Williams and edited by Naomi Parnell for Plosive Productions.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? And the secret is you add just a little dash of milk to make this the creamiest podcast on the internet. Welcome to the Off Menu podcast. It's so creamy. It is so creamy. That's James A. Castor over there. This is the voice of Ed Gamble. We're a couple of rum lads who like asking people what their favourite meals are, James. That's true. We're going to ask them their favourite ever, starter, main course, dessert,

side dish and drink. Yes. We always get a special guest on here to ask them those things. And today, the special guest is Reggie Watts. Reggie Watts, brilliant comedian, musician. He's on The Late Show with James Corden and many other things. Besides, I've been following Reggie's work for a long time now, James. Excellent improvisational musical comedian. I think I saw a Reggie's show at the Edinburgh Festival in 2005, would you believe? Wow. I wasn't even born then. So if Reggie says a secret ingredient, of course, he will be removed from the restaurant despite being very good. Yes, that is true. And this week, the secret

ingredient is riveeta. Riveeta, those horrible, dry, crumbly, biscuit, wafer things. I mean, awful. Every time I eat one, which is rare, I think I'm basically eating a drinks coaster. Because it's so rare. Do you call it a rare riveeta? No. So if Reggie says riveeta, he will be kicked out of the restaurant. Let's hope he doesn't do that. So we are off to Reggie Watts' home studio in LA to record this episode with him. We're in LA for a fair few episodes that will be distributed throughout the series. So many famous people walking around Sunset Boulevard, the Hollywood sign. We've not been out much. So this is the off-menu menu of Reggie

Watts. Welcome, Reggie Watts to the Dream Restaurant. Oh, thank you. So dreamy and creamy. Welcome, Reggie Watts to the Dream Restaurant. I've been expecting you for some time. What is that you're drinking? I'm drinking, this is a special concoction made by a human and it's pineapple spirulina kale smoothie. That is LA in a bottle. It is. It is really LA in a brothel. Do you know what each element of the green juice is doing for you? Do you know what the spirulina is doing for you right now? Well, the spirulina is technically just giving me a huge mineral blast. Right. And I'm really getting blasted by some minerals right now. The kale is giving me whatever kale does. I think it just makes you feel good about the fact that kale's in

there. That's mainly what kale does. And then pineapple, as we all know, I mean people in Australia, even in New Zealand have heard of pineapple and it's one of the few fruits that people in New Zealand or Australia have heard of. Yeah, I know it. They know it. They know it very well. And feel it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. So that's it. Well, do you think halfway through the episode we might really hear the spirulina start to blast? I think we might hear some spirulina blasts. Yeah, because it's amazing and blasting. It's probably a metal drum kind of beat, a spirulina blast. Yeah, like a sort of harder blast beat. Yeah, blast beats. It's part of the blast beat movement that's coming out. It started in, I think it was either like mulling bimby. I think it

started mulling bimby. There was some hippie on the hillside and a tank got loose and started rolling down the hill in the sound of the tank. And then they were like, what if I made a track? Anyways. So this is the dream restaurant where we can get you any meal, any dish from anywhere that you would like. James is a genie waiter. He's very much in charge of getting there. Have you met a genie before? I have not. Really? No, I mean, I mean, now I have. You're the only person we've had on those podcasts, which I think that's a lie. Okay, well, I think surely you've met a genie before. You'd think, you know, you'd think I get the question, well, no, I've never gotten it. But I've thought it many times. And I've always been surprised that the answer is now

I haven't met a genie, although maybe I haven't. They just haven't said that they were genie. Well, yeah, is there anyone in LA who you've met during your time here who you've gone, they might be a genie. Actually, I'm pretty sure they could be a genie. Oh, you know what? I think Sarah Silverman. Yeah, yeah. Sarah Silverman feels like a genie. She feels like she has a she it's like when you meet her, you feel like she's got an ace up her sleeve. There's something that she knows that you don't know that she's always got a slight smirk about. You're like, what are you laughing at? Nothing. But what she's laughing at is that she could be offering you wishes, but she's chosen not to. Oh, Sarah. So frustrating. Are you into food? You're a big food guy? You know, I do, I do

like food. I also have a struggle with food. I love food, but I want to choose good food. But on occasion, I also want to feel like, you know, I'm just going to have treat myself and have a good meal. So yeah, food's a mixed relationship for me. Yeah, I'll give you a sense. There's some complexity to that. I feel like there's a number of things you wanted to say that you didn't say. No, yeah, there are probably many. Wait a minute. Let's keep it entertaining. You're like consciousness. So we always start with still or sparkling water in the dream restaurant. We always give you the choice that they do everywhere. God, that's really tough. I think I think I'm going to do I think I'm going to do still. Yeah. Yeah, still. What was the what was the tussle there? What was going

on in your head there? Because I use you know, I think in the past, I used to pick a sparkling because it feels like, oh, it's extra, you know, like, I'm here at a restaurant. So I might as well choose the fancy option, which is, you know, the diamond water. But like, but then I started getting into the plain water because it's like, you know, if it doesn't taste good without bubbles, you know, it's a good water. If you're not enough with what's it if you're not enough with with it? No, if you're not enough with it, without it, you'll never be enough with it. Oh, I love that. Yeah, that's that's it. You just John Candy and cool running. Right? No. Yeah. That's what it's what it's what he tells RIP. Did he need as many texts as you? No, I think he

nailed it. He nailed it. He knew how to pronounce with. Famously, if you want someone to say with, you got candy. They call him the with it guy with under any circumstance. Drunk is upside down. I thought he told the main the captain of the bobsled team about the medals. Oh, really? Yeah, he said, you know, winning gold medals are great. Yeah. But if you're not enough. Just splice it in when you say that. I love that very much. I think that's great. That's a very incredibly wise piece of advice. Yeah, that's maybe that's what you think about the water that that is kind of I mean, yes, inadvertently, I think that that's actually true. It's like, hey, you know, it's like when I go to a Mexican restaurant, people are like, hey, someone will say that at

some point. If you're in a Mexican restaurant, and you like really keep your ears open at some point, when there's going to be someone in there is going to say, hey, but aside from that, I'll always order the the beans. Yeah. So if the if the beans in the rice are and the salsa, the beans, the rice and the salsa aren't good to some degree, then probably the rest of it's not going to be that good. Would you leave a Mexican restaurant if they brought the beans and it wasn't good? We like, this doesn't bode well. I'm off. I mean, if it was, I mean, they'd have to be some pretty terrible. I mean, they'd have to be like beans that are off. Yeah, I think I would leave them. But you know, it's it is it's food and I'll eat it. But basically, if they can't nail the basics, you

got damn got high hopes for the more complex stuff. Yeah, exactly. It's like you go to any cultural food place. And you know, if you go to a French restaurant and the baguettes suck, you're like, well, what's the point? It's gonna be terrible. Yeah. Yeah. With that in mind, if a podcast host can't say the word with how optimistic does that make you for the rest of the podcast? Well, you know, I, I, I stress more emphasis, I put more emphasis on being pronounced the word the. So, you know, to me, like with is like, that's an easy one, because some people say weird or wit, you know, it's more, you know, but the you kind of have to just say the. Yeah, yeah. And so far, all your does have been perfect. The most worrying thing for

a podcast would be if they say podcast wrong. If they're like, Hello, welcome to my podcast. Yeah, you're like, no, this is going to be so bad. Unless that's the title of the podcast. Yeah, that's the only exception. Yeah, I agree. I agree. Hey, here's my grab fresh. I gotta go. Thanks, though. Totally these beans. I don't get the reference. If you were a good podcast, another strike. Pop it up. So, Brad.

Pop it up. So, Brad, ready? Pop it up. So, Brad. Brad, because pop it up, stick to the roof of my mouth. I don't get them. Yeah. I don't get them at all. Yeah, I don't get them. I don't get them. I like, I have them and I'm like, this seems like a good idea. Like, I bite into it. It's thin. It's like, you know, like, it's like the shedded skin of a dragon. It's like, Oh, here's a skin flake from a dragon. Like, start to eat it. And you're like, Oh, it has a nice flavor to it. And then the next thing is like, Oh, I can't get it off the roof of my mouth. Why can't I get out the roof of my mouth? And it's like, Oh, it's in

between my teeth. I can't get it. So I don't understand it. So is every pop it on you've ever had just now embedded on top of your mouth? Is that part of your skin now? It is. It gets absorbed in it. I mean, I have a much tougher palate, which is cool. But I could have done without it. How much if you if you got all the pop items you've ever eaten off of the roof of your mouth, how how much of a dragon do you think you could cover with it? We're talking about square footage of dragon coverage, depending on the dragon, of course, and the age of the dragon. I'd say, in general, you'd be looking at like, maybe one 3,000th of a percent. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's a little like a, yeah, because it's really thin. Yeah. Dragons,

I mean, as we all know, big have really thick skin. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Emotionally as well. Yeah. Emotionally. Yeah. You can say all kinds of dragon. They're just like, Yeah. What's so what's your point? Yeah. Oh, dragons. Dragons search their own names on Twitter and they don't care. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They don't care who's saying anything about them. No, they have no idea. They just they go on there just to make sure that they're indifferent. Yeah. Yeah. The last Game of Thrones season nearly got to them, but they're all right now. Yeah. Yeah. That's not what we do. Wait a minute. I was supposed to have an opinion. I mean, talk about what kind of bread that you would like. Yeah. Because you said bread. That's right. But what kind of bread would you

like? What's your dream bread? My dreamy bread, I guess, would be gluten free, just because I feel like it's a healthier choice, even though it probably isn't. No. Okay. Okay. I'm going to change it. I'm going to say like a dark bread, like a dark kind of either rye or something like that. Bread. Yeah. I think that's kind of a bread-ish. For the listener, just to let you know that Reddy shut his eyes then and was really imagining that bread. Like a whole thing. Yeah. I had to because I have to be in the restaurant, you know. Yeah. Because where we're at right now, it doesn't look traditionally like a restaurant. It could be. Sure. I mean, where right now, and I don't think anyone listens to this podcast wouldn't

really imagine where we are now. Wouldn't be able to accurately guess that we're all sitting on bean bags. Yeah. In fact, sending your guess, dude. Did you shut your eyes and everything was dark, so that's why you went with dark bread? Yeah. Yeah. Well, no. Well, it was dark at first, but then I imagined a bread basket, you know, like when it kind of hovers in front of you, and you see some tongs on top of it, and they're pointing, they're like, this is the rosemary piccata bread. This is the gooseberry flusnal bread. So I was imagining the tong pointing. Yeah. I was like, oh, I'll take that one. The dark bread. Yeah. I'm surprised you didn't pick the gooseberry flusnal bread. That sounds absolutely delicious. Yeah. I just don't

want to, I don't want to be that obvious. Yeah. So I was like, I'm going to throw them off. Yeah. It's very wonka. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. The snozberries. Our snozberries, I'd actually like to try. I would finally like to try them. Yeah. Yeah. Because you hear it, you hear it in the air, you hear it, you see it on a bus, you see it, you see it everywhere, you never get to taste it. So, yeah. I like to try a lot of the Roald Dahl foods, actually. I go to a Roald Dahl cafe. I would go there in a second. Oh, there'd be a lot of confusion, because some people go in there, thinking they do Dahl, and then they don't. Yeah. They could put it on the menu, Roald Dahl. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Roald Dahl. It's like in like some kind of a, like a pancake. Yeah. Yeah. It's

like there's Dahl in there. A Swiss Roald effect. A Swiss Roald. Maybe like a Roald Dahl or just regular Dahl. I'll take it Roald thinking, because I'm in a hurry. I have to go. Okay. Would you like a Dahl shooter? So you want the rye bread, dark rye bread. Dark rye bread. You want it in the basket with the tongs. Yeah. I don't want it presented with it. I want someone to point at that as a selection with tongs. Yeah. I would absolutely point at that for you. Thank you. Would you like it warm butter? I'd like it, I'd like it slightly warm with, you know, normally I'd be like, hey, do you have a vegan option? But I'm going to go with butter. Uh-huh. You know, even though, you know, Joaquin Phoenix just did that amazing acceptance speech and talked about, you know,

just taking, you know, if cow's milk and just be like, it's my bitch, you know, and being like, you know, human assholes. But I would say like out of all the products of a cow, I don't mind as much the butter because there's worse things. So I'll take the butter. I was very much looking forward to that speech because I've followed his speeches throughout the awards season. Yeah, right. And it's been progressively getting closer and closer towards that kind of stuff. Yes. I was quite looking forward to it. I was like, now I really want him to win. I really, you know, I wasn't really bothered about him winning. I wasn't bothered about Joker, but I was like, I really want to see the speech. The speech. Absolutely. Well,

he's great because you're like, you care about him. So you're like, what is he about to say? Oh, he cares about so much. He can feel it. And he's like stammering a little bit. And he's like, because he needs to get it out. But he still gets it out. And you're like, it's almost like a mini movie. Oh, it's like this triumph. You're like, he did it. It's like the King's Speech, but with more references to artificially inseminating cows. Oh my gosh. That was the... Which, you know, no one's ever said during an Oscar's acceptance speech before. I don't think anyone ever, and no one ever will. This was it. Unless they're referencing that. Yes, of course. It's like, I remember when Joaquin

stood up here and said... It'd be very hard to get it in there again without being accused of ripping him off. Yeah, totally. It's like, well, I also have a problem with people like officially inseminating cows. And I don't have a guide said it, but like, I'd like to bring it up also. If you're going to be handing out awards left and right, we'll be thinking about artificially inseminating cows at some point. So we come to your dream starter. It's where the real meal begins. Yeah, yeah. It's going to be a starter you've had from anywhere in your life. The best starter you've ever had. Probably a starter from a Ford F-150 pickup. Really reliable. Just done loads of preparation for a car podcast. It's probably brilliant.

It's a starter from a Blue J. No, I have to close my eyes because you have to like, you look at the inventory because there's been a few... I've had like a few meals. I'd like to encourage the listener to close their eyes at this point as well. Yeah, yeah, because you guys might be able to see it. You'd be like, you know, pick that one. You might all be able to find where it is in his mind. Guys, let's collect them. Are you imagining someone pointing at loads of restaurants with tongs? Yeah, yeah, totally. It's like it's all tong based. All my starters are like, would you like this starter or this starter? I think I've definitely had some like a mousse

bush types things. Like, I like a starter to be flavorful and small. So I would say, because sometimes we get starters and really they're just, it's a meal. It's like a meal before a meal. That's why I like starters. Well, okay. That's why you love to eat it. It's a way of sneaking in another meal. Oh, I see, I see. Yeah, but then you're probably like playing soccer for like six hours afterwards and then it would matter. You know me, Reggie. I'm always playing soccer for six hours directly after a meal. I'd be professional soccer players playing soccer for six hours. And they certainly wouldn't do it after they've eaten.

Oh my God. Yeah, I would say something on a little crostini or something, like a little flavorful thing. I don't know what it would be, but because starters are weird. It's a non-starter. Why do they make you feel weird? Well, because I know that I should probably just order a meal. Because I know when I do a starter, I like the idea of it. It's really cozy. You're with your friends and you're like, maybe we could get it for the table. But I eat it and then I'm kind of already full. And then I'm like, oh, now I have a meal coming and then I have to pretend like I'm not full for the meal. And that's tough. That's a lot of acting. How do you pretend to not be full? What's the sort

of... You just go like, well, I gotta eat this. That's the reality. I mean, sometimes here in LA, you might be going for a meal with a casting director and you go like, I'm gonna pretend to be not full. And then at the end go, just so you know, I was full for that whole meal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they'll be like, oh my gosh, the role is yours. Yes, is it right? Yeah, I don't know. I think that's how you have to do it. You just have to eat it. You just have to be like, man, this is my first meal. I didn't have a starter. You have to pretend like, oh, yeah, this is good. Whoa, boy, I can't believe this. You know, a lot of that. But to yourself, maybe. Or maybe, look at the, oh, commenting on the color, the heat, whatever the temperature.

It all helps. If you want to, you can just pass on the starter. We've had guests pass on the starter before. I'm gonna pass. Ed will be upset because he's a star, a boy, and he loves stars. I just think it's such a waste. It's his fatal choice. Even when you were circling around crostini, I was like, that's too small. Oh, I thought you... What's a crostini? Like a little crispy bread thing. You know, like tiny, thin, crispy bread, and then they put things on it. They put like a tapenade on there or something. Yeah, like tapenade or mousse. If you want, I can just give you the crostini and that's it. Man, maybe I do... I should start it. Maybe I do a cr... Yeah, maybe I do a crostini with a pureed air sauce. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay, yeah, yeah. Don't fill up on air, though. No, no, no, I won't. No, I won't fill up on the air sauce. No, air sauce, for sure. Air sauce sounds like an insult. Hey, get out of here, your air sauce. Yeah, yeah. It's like, I don't know what that is, but the way you said it sounds like it's not supposed to be favorable. So, I mean, so we've basically done a very... The lightest start are possible. Yeah. The closest to nothing we could find. But still something. Yeah. The main course. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's a closing. It's going to be another pass. Yeah, totally. It's so funny. All you have is a bit of bread. At the end, you just pass. That's all I need. And I'll be going home now. Thanks, guys. Gosh, that's a tough one, but I would say probably...

I've had good high protein pasta before, you know, like a quinoa pasta. So, I do like... Maybe I do, yeah, like a quinoa pasta with maybe an olive oil with some nice sautéed veggies in there and maybe some marinated protein of something like tofu or tempeh or seitan or something like that. Now, where did you go there, Reggie? Yeah. Where did that go? Your eyes were shut for a long time for that whole monologue. I went to Crimbley Hill. What's Crimbley Hill like? Crimbley Hill is great. It's a wonderful area. It's in Pretoria. It's one of... It's where all the predators hang out. And they do a lovely quinoa pasta. They do amazing quinoa pasta, guys. Yeah, I don't know. It's probably a restaurant around there, I would guess somewhere. Yeah, a great

restaurant. You have to drive to it. It's in the countryside, just outside of Crimbley Hill. It's amazing. It's great. Yeah, where the predators hang out. What kind of predator? Is it in the aliens or...? Yeah, like aliens, yeah. They're all just hanging out like... Oh, that looks good. That's a very good impression. Thank you. Yeah, it is. Oh, that's great. Now, did you just discover you could do that? How long have you known you could do that for? I think I've known it for a while. I think because I love cats and that's part of the purring mechanism. But you slow it down and that's a predator. Right, so you take a cat, you slow it down. Yeah, take a cat, slow it down. A cat purr, slow it down predator. You don't take the cat itself and slow the cat down.

No, you could try to. You invent a technology to actually slow down a cat, which no one cares about that part of the technology. They just want to see a cat slow down. So you do that. And when you do that, yeah, it's like you get the predators down. That's how they got the predators down. They invented a technology to slow down a cat when they're purring. That's it. Do you want a cat? No, I want to. You seem like a cat guy. I like meowheads. Yeah. They're cool. They're just like, they don't give a fuck. They have that blank look on their face and that's what's appealing to me. You're like, you move them, you move them, you like shake them around and stuff and they just always just like, just a straight cat face, you know, all the triangles, you know, in the eyes

and then they're just like, and you're like, how about this? How about this? You're like, no, I don't know. So I enjoy that. The triangles of the eyes. Yeah, just moving them around. There's a lot of triangle nose, triangle mouth, you know, there's so much triangles going on. The triangle ears. Yeah. There's big triangles. Do you see everything in shapes? Yeah. Yeah, almost. Anything that has a shape, I'll see it. Oh, yeah. We'll see it in there. Doesn't get past you. Test those windows. I call those wrecked. Wrecked. Wrecked. Yeah, just like some standard wrecked rectangles. Wrecked. The type of angles, wrecked. Yeah. Yeah. What about Ed? What shape am I? Oh, geez. Hume. Hume. Yeah, fair. Hard

Hume. Nice, Hume shape. That's good. What about the Great Benito? Oh, geez. Probably like Guru. Little Guru? Guru shape. He is our little Guru. He's our little podcast Guru. Yeah, he's like making magic happen. Close thing to a genie in your life. Yeah, that's true. Well, wait. Apart from yeah. Sorry guys. That's okay. What kind of people are in the restaurant that you imagined in Crimbley Hill? What kind of people are sitting around there? There's some people that are having like light laughter and there's people that look like they should be assholes, but then like when you really like listen, you're like, oh no, they're just having a really great conversation and I was wrong. Right, okay. So there's a lot of that. Like, oh, those people are probably asked, oh, no,

they're not. They're actually, oh, that's cool. So there's a lot of those people. They look like you're supposed to be disgusted at them or disappointed in them and then they end up surprising you. That's nice. Always nice to be surprised. It really is. It just lets you know that there's more to life than life. Yeah, get that on a t-shirt. We went for breakfast this morning and there were some fun people in the restaurant, weren't there, James? There were. There was a lady who, me and Ed was sitting and having breakfast and Ed went to the bathroom and he came back and he was so excited about having his meal because it's a place, Millie's, where Ed's been before. Oh yes, yes. He likes it a lot. I like it very much. I did a

little dance on the way back from the bathroom. Did a little dance. I was just doing a little food dance because I was so excited about my eggs. Really? And then the old lady saw me and she's like, you like dancing? She was very loud. Wow. What are you dancing? You like dancing, do you? Oh my God. She looked at me and went, why aren't you dancing? Your body's dancing, you're not going to dance? What the hell? We were very polite to her but then she just kept going, how old are you two? We told her. She was like, what are you, 22, 23? James went on, 35. She went, you look real young. You almost look like something wrong with you. You look mad young. Oh my God. You're 35. You've got a problem and you're 35. Did you look 22?

Oh my God. You must be sick. I'm from Chicago. Oh my God. This is a real woman. Yeah. Real woman. She's probably still close to her. She can't have got far. Okay. Let's find her, obviously. At one point she went, I'm from Chicago. We've got a good sense of humor. LA humor. Oh my Lord. I'm going to be sick on the floor. Chicago humor. Okay. I liked her. She was a lot of fun. So that was a surprise. That was a surprise. That's a nice surprise. Yeah. So that's the sort of person who was in our restaurant today. That's a great restaurant. But she wouldn't be in Crably Hill. Do you want to invite her to the meal in Crably Hill? I mean, Crably is like a little bit, it's hard to get into. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Will this set it to you?

My favorite part of it was when I had my back to her and I heard her go, cool dude, real cool. I'm cool. And then it turned around and she put a pair of shades on. I was sitting there going, I'm cool. The man came back from the bathroom because she didn't know. She was like, you're sunglasses are cool. I'm going to have a check about this. So she's like an outward thinker. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I like that. She's like, I like this. This cabbage is really cabbagey. Look at this plate. It holds stuff. Yeah. It was great. At one point a man who was clearly a waiter just walked past. She went, do you work here? Yeah. Yeah. She went, okay. She had no questions. I was at the end of the questions for him. So she's at the door of Crably

Hill trying to get in. So you can just hear her in the distance going, but I want to come here. I'm from Chicago. Why is he got his eyes closed? What is this, a gate? Okay. Well, that's good to know. I'm glad she's out there. Yeah. She's out there. She's going to get in eventually. Yeah. Yeah. She's the type of person that just ends up getting in someplace. Yeah. I think so. She's like, suddenly she's like, oh, no, I'm in here. And you're like, what? How did you get in here? I don't know. Have you chosen for your main course something that is genuinely your like the most tasty, delicious meal that you can imagine or something that right now you think would be a good choice? Because you talk about the struggle with food

sometimes. And I have it as well. It's a struggle between making the healthy choice or really just going for it and knowing you feel bad, maybe feel bad about it afterwards, but also enjoying it in the moment. What names do you call yourself? Because when Ed gets angry, he calls himself names out loud on the flat, right? Yeah. Love that. On the holiday. What are some of the classics you've called yourself so far? Fat monster. I've never heard that before. But it'll never stop me. I'll always enjoy the food. And then I'll be like, oh, you fat monster. It's almost just sort of bathing in it afterwards. Yeah. Yeah. I'm similar. It's just like, oh, man, this is so good. Oh, this is great. What the hell? What's wrong with you? Why are you so dumb?

Why are you dumb? Look how dumb you are. You see how you feel gross, don't you right now? You're just a big gross man. You're going to have to slide across the floor now. You just gained 80 pounds. What the hell's wrong? You know what the hell's going on. I don't know. It's like, it's just like this whole like, like in that moment, you're like, this is the best. Yeah. Yeah. And then not too long after. It's just getting into the gap shortens and shortens the older you get. A millisecond later, you're like, oh, I'm an asshole. Who am I? You know better. Why did you do this? God, you're such a dick. All you had to do was not do that. And yet you couldn't even do that. This is like, that's the conversation. I mean, you know, it takes

practice. It takes practice. Also, if you like the weeds, if you like the THC's, you enjoy those. Do you like those? I do enjoy the THC's. Yeah, I've like had a few too, THC's. And that sometimes will just like turn you into that monster. It's like the Tasmanian devil or whatever. It's just like, that's actually what a cat sounds like sped up. Yeah. So the meal you've picked, this quinoa pasta with marinated tofu, yes, that's a meal you could eat and then not turn, not immediately turn into the monster. Yeah. I mean, as long as I didn't eat too much of it, because the problem is also quantity,

because I'll be like, it's healthy. So I can eat a shit ton of this. I'm just going to have the, I'm just going to eat the fuck out of this. Stop me. I have to eat the right amount. That's my thing. If I can have a good meal where it's balanced with intense flavor, cool texture, that's satisfying. And then I don't, because I like it so much, I don't have more of it. Yeah. That's like super success. Yeah. Because that's like part of enjoying the food for me, is not eating too much of it. Sure. Yeah, yeah. Which is weird, but true. Well, let's say you have had a THC before the meal. Yeah. Are you still ordering that pasta? Yeah. I think I would. I think I would. I think nowadays I would. I'd like to think I would.

I mean, because I'm a burger human, you know, like I really enjoy burgers of all kinds, like real burgers, you know, veggie burgers, black bean burgers. Impossible burgers. I like impossible burgers. Burgers that just not a few years ago were not possible, but yeah, they are. And I like them all, but, you know, a burger is not the best choice always, especially if you're at a restaurant. If you're at a restaurant, depending on the situation, I find that food that you can take bites of with a fork is a little bit more restauranty than a burger. A burger is just like you can always have a burger. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Unless it's a legendary, sometimes I'll go,

okay, if I'm going to have a burger, I'm going to go to Jean George, you know, or whatever, I've never done that, but I'll go to like some crazy super mega expensive, because if they have a burger, why would they have a burger? Unless it's like one of the best burgers in the universe. And in that case, I will try it, but it's really just an excuse for me to have a burger. Do you remember having an incredible burger? Do you remember the best burger you've ever had? Gosh. Oh, you know what? I do. Sometimes I get a loss for words, but it was. I didn't have to. I was just like making sure it was in focus. It's like, does my interior mind and the exterior mind, do they match?

I think, what's the place called? McDonald's? No, it's not McDonald's. Come on. You guys are wet your knuckleheads. No, it's that club. It's the club in, what's that? Oh, Lalo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lalo. There's a place in, I forget what area of London it is, but kind of short itchy, maybe? No, that's wrong. Anyways, there's a place called Lalo. It's kind of like a Soho House style place, but you can just go in and have dinner there. And they won Best Burger like, I think it was like two years ago or something in London.

And I was like, well, we'll see about that. And I had the burger and it just blew me the fuck away. It was insane. And they explained like how they use three different types of meat and the seasoning. And then they cook it, but then they steam it towards the last end of it to finish cooking it. But the steaming it makes it really super juicy. It was crazy. And the bun that they, I mean, I had it and I couldn't, and it wasn't big. That wasn't my other thing. It was not, I don't like those giant, you know, those burgers where you have to squash them. For some reason people think like, hey, if it's a burger, it's got to be really fat and you can't put your mouth around it. It's got to fall apart and you've got to look like an animal.

And this is just like, well, here's a delicious burger. You know, and I could pick it up with both hands and take a normal bite out of it. It was amazing. That really blew me away. Is this place a nightclub, did you say? Yeah, it's also a nightclub. It's like, they'll have shows there. It's a really tiny, it's all like, it looks like, it's all done in the decor of like LA in the 1940s. Right, okay, cool. A lot of rich, like, velvets and things like that. And very beautifully appointed,

a lot of attention to detail. And so downstairs there's like a little performance area, then the main floor is a restaurant, and there's an upstairs kind of party room for cocktail parties. And then above that, there's another party level or whatever. And it's a members club, but you can also be invited there. You can get a dinner reservation. But it's small. It's a small, tall building. Nice. It's great. I was really blown away. I'm glad I can remember a burger. Because usually I'd be like, what's your favorite burger? And we'd be like,

I don't know why, but that's the one I can just go boom. Also, there's the point there, during that where you were trying to remember, you went, where was it? Yeah, yeah. And there was that. And for the listener, I'm not even going to tell them what happened. Let them believe that you were just in your head. You guys are just going to have to access it from the general human memory. As I'm describing, just close your eyes and you'll go there. It's easy. Geez.

Also, there's a place in London that I've never heard of. I've never heard of it. I live in London. Sorry, I get to actually go and do that my own time. That's good. Yeah, I think it's the same chef there. And they probably have the same recipe. But yeah, go there and let me know what you think. I see it at the end as well. It reminds me of in The Simpsons when Principal Skinner's cooking for Superintendent Charmers and tells him that he's making steamed hams. Do you remember that? No. No. Steamed hams.

Which means he says the kitchen on fire. Yeah. I don't know why he says steamed hams now. It's very funny. I think he tells me he's making steamed clams and then that messes up and he has to go out and get crusty burgers, gives him the burgers. And he said, I thought he said we're having steamed clams because I said steamed hams. Steamed hams, even though they are clearly grilled. It's a very funny episode. They've no one else remembers it. Here I am. It is surprising how often the podcast descends into, and this happened on The Simpsons. Yeah. Remember this happened on The Simpsons?

Oh, you're talking about The Simpsons, right? Jessica, OJ. Your side dish. Now. Yes. Will you have a side dish? You didn't have a starter. I would have a side dish. Yeah. Yeah. I'd probably put a dish on the side. I'd do a salad. I'd do a salad. I'd do like a powerful, not too strong dressing, very light dressing, but a good powerful. That's also chopped up enough. I don't like it when there's giant leaves around me. And they're like, here's an entire leaf. I mean, I get it. They're like, this is the whole plant. But I kind of like it when it's already,

you can kind of already eat it. Yeah. Yeah. I don't even fold in a leaf into my mouth. Yeah. I don't want to be doing that. Hanging off the plate as well, quite often, just like a whole leaf hanging off the plate. And you've got to eat half on the plate first, and then sort of push everything else back down onto the plate. Yeah. You want it chopped up, like sort of half chewed, really. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pre-Chew Charlie's. Yeah. Yeah. Pre-Chew Charlie's. That was a sketch on SNL. Oh, yeah. It's really gross. I can probably imagine what it was. Yeah, you don't need to. Guys, don't worry about it. Don't look it up right now. Don't hit pause and go look up that bit. You're not going to be,

you're not going to like it. What kind of a dressing is this? It's light dressing, because I, I'd like dressing on salads. I do. I don't. You don't like dressing? Well, I don't do it because I'm only ever eating the salad because I'm trying to be good. And I think, well, why am I going to put a load of sugar on top of it? So then I just don't, I just try and have a salad that I don't enjoy as much as possible. Do you think dressing is sprinkling sugar on top of it? In my head, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If you make your own dressing, though, you just do a bit of olive oil, bit of mustard, bit of vinegar. Back with sugar. That's all you need, salt and pepper. That's, that is all you need. And it's super low calorie,

too. Yeah. There's a little bit of, a little bit of oil. Sometimes I'll just do, what do they call that? Cherry vinegar? Yeah. Is that what it is? The red? Yeah. So I'll, I'll just do that sometimes. Yeah. Just, I just put a little bit of that and, and also here's another thing. I like eating salads with my fingers. Oh. So, I mean, and that means that there can't be a lot of dressing on it. So I don't like getting my hands messy, but I'll just, oftentimes I'll just take a bunch of leaves and they'll be in a bowl and then I'll ask for dressing on the side and then I'll just dip the leaves into the dressing because I like picking the leaves up with my hands. You're just eating the salad with your hands. Yeah. I know why. How many restaurants have you been removed

from in LA? For eight. Yeah. But you're, you're in your pasta with knife and fork. They're sitting then down and then getting your hands in the salad. I'm not saying that's what I would do for this meal, but I'm just saying as, as an interesting tidbit of information generally. I do enjoy eating because that way I control the dressing. Yeah. And this, and then I think of it more as like, potato chips, like a bag, like, oh kid, like a big bucket of pre-washed salad, you know, oh, I'll rip it open and be like, these are my potato chips, you know? Isn't that funny that I think of them this way? We could put this salad in a potato chip bag if you want. That would be great. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, salad chips. What's your favorite flavor of potato chip that

you would want on the outside of the bag and then just put the salad inside it. So you could pretend like you ate it with the salad in it? Yeah, that's, that's important. I would say, say, uh, oh gosh, that's a tough one. I would, I guess I would sit maybe in the UK, you have like incredibly via such a variety of flavors, chicken flavored, you know, chips, ketchup flavored chips, which would you think would have been an American invention, but it's not. Yeah. It's, it's, it's like, we don't like ketchup. Now we do like ketchup. You know what? Fuck it. Let's put them on chips. Yeah. American like chip makers must have been like, how the hell did they get there before? That's on that. There's, yeah. I

had a meeting that morning. Okay guys, I don't know if you've seen the news, but we're getting out done by a bunch of fucking bricks. Oh my God. I mean, it's like, yeah, you guys are light years ahead in the chips department. I mean, the flavors, it's insane. It's like terragon peanut butter, you know, um, I would eat that. Yeah. That's great. Terragon peanut butter. It's like, no, it sounds crazy. That's how it all starts. It sounds, it sounds gross, but it's really good. We have competitions in the UK to come up with new like crispy flavors and stuff like that, where they just like walk us every now and again, it'll be like, you can name our next flavor, just make it whatever you like. And then the public

are like, oh, I want it to be like jam and chutney and crisp flavor. Yeah. Like crisp flavor crisps. There was one guy at the back saying, I'm prawns. I'm prawns. Don't forget prawns. We know Larry. Every time, Larry, prawns with already prawn cocktail Larry. You know that Larry, you're eating a bag now. We know. Larry, stop. You've always had a very good British accent. I've got to say, it's very much one of your skills, Reggie. Well, thank you very much. I'm sure being a part of this podcast. I mean, hang out with cordon now. You must like be even hone it even more. Well, you know, it's it's tough. It's tough with cordon because, you know, I don't really, if someone's like, do a dialect, I can't really

do a dialect. It's just, I just kind of go into it and then morphs between different dialects, you know, because, you know, sometimes like, you know, if people are surprised, like, oh, it's not always Kant. Some accents, they can't. And some, you know, so it's all over the place. So I can't really do that way. But when I start, if I start, usually it'll evolve and be like, oh, that sounds, oh, that's pretty close. You know, that's or a London accent. Yeah. Or you've been exposed to multiple accents. And it's like a washed out, you know, but yeah. So you need to be in a character like the guy running the crisp flavor. Well, if he's talking like this, you know, he's kind of speaking like this at the back

of his throat. And he's talking like that. That's one way I can feel like I can get inside the suit, you know, zip it up and just have a great time. You know, there's always this way of speaking. And, you know, it's very fun to talk like this and talk to your neighbor and your mates and just say, hey, what's going on? It's great. It's really good. But if someone was like, you have to do an impression of James Corden, that would be more difficult. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I mean, unless I'm in the room and I hear him say a phrase, like I have like, it's probably like a 30 second like absorption buffer. So someone does like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

wow, that sounds just like, oh yeah. And then like I'm like, 20 seconds later, do it again. I'll be like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, damn it. So the salad in the crisp bag. Yes, in the crisp bag, yes. Yes. Which is very molecular gastronomy, by the way. Yeah. It's prawn flavored crisps. Yeah. Yeah. Proud. Yeah, in a prawn flavored ketchup, terragon, peanut butter, crisp bag. So your favorite drink to go along with this whole meal, your drink, we'll give you free refills if you want something like that. I would probably say an iced black tea.

Mmm, oh yeah. With lemon. With a bit of lemon in it. A bit of lemon, yeah. Is that for the old fruit so you can sing on stage? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's so I can eat and immediately sing. That's what I always- Think about the meal you had.

Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I've paid for it. So yeah, just in case I have to sing, I might as well keep it light. Sure. But I do, I just enjoy the flavor of a good iced tea. Where nearby here would you go for a good iced tea? Do your own.

No, I wish I, I'm not that, I can't, I, I refuse. Now I, you know, I like this tea called Tejava, it's like T-E-J-A-V-A, I think. They just nail a perfect tea flavor, it's great. And it's in a glass bottle, it's, it's great. So that's my favorite iced tea. Glass bottle. Glass bottle. As if on a store, not store.

A health food store generally, or a store that, you know, takes pride in what it sells. You'll find a Tejava. Here's a question that we always ask people who choose iced tea. Okay. Have you ever met iced tea, himself? I have, actually. I did his podcast once. Right?

Yeah. I did his podcast in New Jersey, I think is where it was, I drove out to New Jersey. So weird. It was a weird, God, that was weird. He lives kind of in a place that you would think he'd live in. Not necessarily the building that you'd think he'd live in, but his place, it's like a condo. But you go inside, it's all like white, like marble floors and pillars and like Greek statue type stuff and like a lot of shiny chrome, you know, that kind of stuff.

It was very weird. And his wife is like, I forget her name. With lemon. You heard it here, folks. No, it's like a white palace, like white marble palace with kind of a mafia feel to it. Yeah. So I have met him.

Having met iced tea, do you think that iced tea drinks iced tea? I think he has to. Yeah. I think he has to. I think you don't name yourself that unless you like it. And I'm imagining that it was probably like porch based iced tea, you know, like you throw in the bags into a big glass jar, you seal the jar with the tags out, you know, so that they're floating around, but the lid kind of like locks them in and you just set it

on the, set it on the porch and hope no one steals it. That's how I think where he got it. Yeah. That sounds about right. And would you say, is there a lot of ice in the cup with the iced tea as well? Yeah. I'd say that, yeah. I'm like, maybe the, yeah, it's tough because you can either do the chipped ice, which is

classic that you would get in a diner, or you get that professional high density ice, you know, like the craft drink movement where they get those like super dense, perfectly cubed with like a dimple in it because of the machine or whatever. They're just like cubes that seem to last forever. Like I like that idea because that way you don't ruin your ratio. The watered down. Well, you like shapes as well. We've already established that.

I do. I'm a shape. Yeah. So finally, a dessert, we arrive at dessert, dessert, which is my favorite course. So I'm hoping that you don't do what you did to add stuff and pass an air flavored ice cream. Oh, there's an air flavored ice cream coming out of the corner you're in trouble on a flip out.

A long time ago in 1773, there was a machine that was invented by Lord Byron James, who was quoted once saying, help me with this and it's really in his honor. No, I don't know. I would say, I love chocolate. I think that chocolate to me is, and when I was a kid, I had a saying. I said, if it ate chocolate, it ain't dessert and still true to this day, like when people are like, I have this wonderful, this is a tangerine mango, whatever, puree, apple, sauce, pie.

Oh, you're like, yeah, that's interesting, but that's not really, that's not dessert to me. Or even like in elementary school where people were like, I want a nerd, I'm not a sour patch kid. I'm like, what the fuck you guys, stop fucking around and just eat some fucking chocolate. It ain't chocolate. It ain't dessert. Yeah.

That's how it is. When you say that now, do people go, oh my God, are you the, if it ain't chocolate, it ain't dessert kid? I remember you. You're that kid. Oh, you're that kid, ain't you? Yeah, I am. You're one of it.

I would say a chocolate mousse is wonderful. Yeah, very nice. I like a chocolate mousse. I like a raw chocolate. Raw chocolate mousse is really good. It's white, refreshing, not too sweet. I like that. Sometimes I enjoy a good, you know, my favorite absolute chocolate dessert if I could have

it and it wasn't so terrible would probably be German chocolate cake. What's German chocolate cake? Well, it's German. No, it's a basic chocolate cake, but it's layered with coconut frosting. And I think these like, I think it's a lot of brown sugar because it's a very brown looking coconut frosting, like a dark beige or something like that. And a lot of coconut chocolate. It's very simple.

And sometimes it can be not soft. It can be like almost like the frosting is a little bit, has a density to it. Yeah, it's a great. That sounds really good. That does sound very nice. I'm imagining like Matilda chocolate cake. Yeah. Bruce Bogtrotter.

Bruce Bogtrotter. That's what I'm. Bruce Bogtrotter. Old Dahl food. We're back in the Old Dahl. Yeah, we're back in Dahl food. Yeah. Someone actually did make me Bruce Bogtrotter chocolate cake.

They got the recipe online and then my friend Joey made it and it was huge, massive. And she said, that's going to make you feel sick, but it gave it to me anyway. Yes. Because I was going on tour and I ate it really quickly and it did make me feel very, very sick. Yeah. But then you don't really feel like Bruce Bogtrotter and they should really feel sick and feel like you're going to be sick.

You just feel a pretty focused attention to health. Yeah. Yeah. That's all I felt. I felt like I'm going to die now. Yeah. It's like this is kind of an emergency. Eating the Bogtrotter cake.

Yeah. I think those recipes must be. That recipe is online. There must be loads of Roald Dahl recipes online. Yeah. There's probably a recipe for Roald Dahl. Roald Dahl. Yeah.

Yeah. Send us your favorite Roald Dahl recipes right here. PO Box 755-323-728. We'll be right back after these messages. Read your order back to you now, ready? Yeah, sure. What I'm tempted to do is see if you can remember it. Yeah.

Okay. I could do it. I could do it. What water did you have? Flat. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It's still water. Yeah. It's still water. Pop it up to a bread. What did you have? I took bread. What kind of bread? Dark rye.

Yeah. Doing well so far. Some butter. Oh, yeah. Butter. Starter. All these eyes open as well, by the way. A non-starter.

Non-starter, but then we pushed you and you said you would have. Oh, geez. Hold on. Starter. Oh, I'd have a... It's a Kristini. Yeah. It's like an air sauce.

Yeah. Like a pureed air sauce. Pureed air sauce. Yeah. Mankos. Main course was a quinoa pasta with sautéed vegetables and marinated tofu. Yeah. An olive oil.

An olive oil, yes. From? From... From... Krimbley Hill. From Krimbley Hill. Yeah, that's right. Krimbley Hill.

Yeah. That's where the restaurant's located. Yeah, it's Krimbley Hill. Side dish. Side dish was and salad with dressing on the side. How would you like it served? Oh, in a crisps bag. Yeah.

That was flavored. It was a peanut butter, a prawn, ketchup, tarragon. Yeah. Absolutely. You're going to eat that with your hands? Uh-huh. Yep. Hands, yep.

Your drink? It was an iced tea with a professional ice cube. Black tea. Yes. With some lemon. You love the lemon? Yeah, lemon. From Tahaba?

Yeah, from Tejava. And your dessert? Did you decide it would be German chocolate? I think we'd have to. I think you've done, you've been really good for the whole meal. Yeah. I tell you what, because it's a drink restaurant and I'm a genie, I can make sure that this chocolate cake tastes as good as it always does, but it has zero calories in it.

Yes. And you don't feel any regret afterwards. Well, then I would love to have the cake from Stuttgart. Yeah. I'll take all of that away from you. Chocolate cake. All the guilt, all of that away from you. A German chocolate cake.

Although it's interesting that it's a German chocolate cake and it's got coconut in it, which arguably wouldn't exist in Germany. But somehow it got labeled German chocolate cake. If there were coconuts in Germany, I would imagine there would never have been a Second World War. No. No, not at all. The Germans were just upset.

They didn't have access to coconuts. We've never had anything tropical. Yeah. Let's create all this trouble for the world just so you can get a coconut. Thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant, Reggie. It was a total, as they would say in Israel, it was a total halom. Thank you. Are you experiencing your mineral blast yet?

My mineral, oh yeah. My mineral blast. Yeah, I have been. You have been all the way through? Yeah. Minerals don't... A mineral blast, it's still an elongated experience. Sure.

Most things are... Like a sugar is a blast. Yeah. You're going to get punched in the face. Minerals, their version of blast is like over an hour. It's a slow blast. Thank you, Reggie. Thanks, Reggie.

Thank you, Reggie Watts, for that wonderful menu. Thank you, Reggie. And thank you for not saying Rai Vita. Oh, if he had said Rai Vita, it would have broken my heart. He said Rai Bread, but that's not Rai Vita. Yeah. When he said Rai Bread, I was ready. Oh, yeah.

He said I would like some Rai. Uh-oh. James was so nervous, he was gripping the corner of his bean bag. I was gripping that. Bean bags so tight. Beans were popping everywhere. It was our first ever episode recording on bean bags. He didn't know what to do.

I liked it. Yeah, it was nice. I thought they were very good bean bags. You just drop into them and then they formed around your body. It was real nice. It wasn't like you hit the floor from, you know. Not at all. Enough beans to support you.

Yeah. Oh, good. They formed so much around James' body that when he left, it was still attached to him. He's still wrapped around him now. I'm still wearing it right now. Yeah. I'll give it a little turtle.

And it's very warm in LA as well. You shouldn't really be wearing a little turtle bean bag back. No, but a lot of people have, you know, I'm thinking about it. Maybe like the casting directors for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will be walking around and they'll see me and be like, that kid, he's got something. There's a chance. There's a chance of that happening.

There's a new Michelangelo. So if you like Reggie, which I'm sure you do already, he's brilliant. Check out his music. Check out his comedy. He's got a Netflix special called Spatial available now. Go and have a little look at that. But for now, check out our stuff as well at off-menu official

and Instagram, Twitter, off-menupodcast.co.uk on the internet website. Thank you very much for listening. We'll see you again sometime soon. Goodbye. Goodbye. From invisibility to where the aliens are living amongst us. It's Microscope, the improvised comedy show

from the award-winning John Kearns and me, Matt Ewing, an all-round nice guy. Where's it available? I'll tell you. iTunes, Spotify, Acast, and all the other places you get podcasts from. It's Microscope. Hello, it's me, Amy Glendale.

You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not gonna spoil in case...

Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North because, look, we're two Northerners. Sure.

But we've been living in London for a long time. The news stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News. We'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glendale's mum on every episode.

That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late. We'll be right back.