Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 62: Ivo Graham

Episode Date: May 27, 2020

Comedian, Eton alumnus and water fanatic Ivo Graham joins us in the dream restaurant. (And there’s a special cameo from Edward Easton.)Follow Ivo Graham on Twitter: @ivograhamRecorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive Productions.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy, now. Please? James, I have wonderful news. Hello. Our podcast, Off Menu, has been nominated in two categories at the British Podcast Award, James. What the hell is a podcast? Okay. We've been nominated in Best Entertainment and Best Comedy Podcast, which is very, very exciting. But also, like all the rest of the podcasts, we're up for the Listener Choice Award, James, which is voted for by the listeners. Okay. I'm sorry. This is a lot of news at once. Who is listening to us? Lots of people are listening to us, James, and hopefully, we're their favorite

podcast. And they can prove that by going on to britishpodcastawords.com forward slash vote. And they can vote for the Off Menu podcast with Ed Gamble and James Acaster. And then maybe we'll win another award. There'll be three awards under the belt, presuming we win the other two, which I am presuming. So if the listeners win, they'll leave us alone. Great. Please vote for us and make sure we win. And just leave us alone forever. Okay? We're making these little recordings for our own posterity. We just want to hear the conversations we have with our friends. I didn't know all you guys were listening to this stuff, but ain't no you betrayed me.

If you are a listener, I knew you were listening and you're very welcome. And hopefully, we'll be the listeners choice. So go on to britishpodcastawards.com forward slash vote to vote for the Off Menu podcast with Ed Gamble and James Acaster as your favorite podcast. And if you just swirl the podcast around in your ears, it gets more air to it and it tastes a lot better. Welcome to the Off Menu podcast. Nice one, Ed Gamble. How are you? Very well, James Acaster. How are you? Very well. Thanks. Spick and span.

Spick and span. Is that a phrase? How are you doing? Yes. That's the catch phrase. Yes. Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, the food podcast, where we have a special guest and we ask them what, James? We ask them what their favorite ever starter main course dessert side dish and drink ever is. Yes, that's exactly the way we say it every week. Thank you very much for tuning in slash downloading the pod. Our guest this week is the wonderful stand-up comedian, Ivo Graham.

One of the best we've got, I think. One of the best we've got is in like, Comedians. If you've got about like class wise art. No, we as in like the nation. I thought you were just saying like, you know, poshies. You and your poshies. Yeah, yeah. One of the best we've got. Thank God there's someone out there fighting.

It is goddamn society where apparently as you look down upon, if you've got a bit of bloody money in the bank, finally we've got a crusader out there doing the right thing for us. No, I meant in the nation. He's one of the best in the nation. Sure, he's a very, very, very, very funny man. Very funny man. And this is a higher energy episode than I was expecting because just before we recorded with Ivo, we ate approximately a loaf of bread each. We ate a lot of sandwiches. We got some delicious sandwiches delivered to us. Oh, this is from Sons and Daughters Sandwich Shop, which I'm not sure when this episode's

coming out, but go and check that sandwich shop out. It's at Coldrop's Yard, near King's Cross. And honestly, we got sent a range of sandwiches, a chicken sandwich that was incredible, that had crispy chicken skin in it. Yes, that chicken sandwich is, I'm thinking about it still. An egg sandwich with crisps in it, absolutely delicious. A broccoli sandwich, doesn't sound fun, but it was. What was the sandwich that had actual French fries in it? The lamb merguez sausage sandwich.

Oh, that one as well. That one and the chicken one. Oh, I've eaten so many of them. Delicious. Thank you for those. Yeah, thank you very much for sending that in. The guys who run that also run the restaurant Pigeon, which JB Dimitri talked about at a great length in his off menu episode. So there you go. It all links up. Also, I mean, what's nice about Pigeon and Sons and Daughters is that they don't kick you out the restaurant if you say a certain ingredient. No, they don't, but we do, don't we?

We absolutely do. We do. We're the kick-eye-by-grey amount. If he mentions Quince. Quince, no. I expect him to go out during the water course, I imagine. He might mention Quince. He's a big posh boy like we previously mentioned, and they love a bit of Quince. Yeah, yeah. So we're sending that Quince mousetrap out for him. So if he mentions Quince, he's out on his ear.

Hopefully he won't because he's a lovely guy. Let's see how it goes. Oh, Ivo. His chauffeur's driving him here right now, pulling up in the driveway. Oh, hello, Jeeves. Let him in. Ivo Graham, welcome to the Dream Restaurant. Hello. Welcome, Ivo Graham. Hello, James.

You're looking well. Thanks, James. Looking great. Have you made an effort, a special effort for the Dream Restaurant? Yeah, I've ironed my shirt. But I've undone the process by, I got an Uber and got hot, and so took off the shirt and got stuck in it in the back of the Uber, and I've undone all the ironing that I did. Hang on, you took off?

Oh, no, I was wearing a T-shirt underneath this shirt. No, I didn't just take off my collared shirt in the Uber, just so I could be topless for a bit. So hang on, let's set the scene again. So you had a T-shirt on and a shirt over the top, which you ironed. Yes, exactly. In the Uber, you took off the shirt that you ironed. I've broken into a swift pace on this hot September day,

because I'd sent the chap to the wrong street. I felt like a euphemism. Is that an Eaton thing? It's not an Eaton thing, but I'm glad to have ticked that off so early. Now and again, when you're away at school, you do need to send the chap to the wrong street. So, I mean, listen, we can turn everything I say into a euphemism for my time at Eaton. And of course, I came here slightly expecting it.

Yeah, slightly. Well, I listened to a podcast where Ed took a lot of flak from James for saying that you'd eaten grouse with shot in it. And I was like, maybe I'm not going to be such a posh little figure of fun on this podcast. But then I shouldn't have started dishing out the Eaton catchphrases so early. So, I thought the undershirts got to go. But obviously, the overshirts got to come off to tick, tick, tick the underrot. As we used to say at Eaton.

But I couldn't be bothered to undo all the buttons on the overshirt. So, I whisked it off. Undershirt came off in a problem. It's a t-shirt. It's a swift operation. And then trying to put... Shout it out. Let's turn this Uber into a boobah.

Wait, but you got topless. You shout it out. Let's turn this Uber into a boobah. He said it first. It was trying to put the collared shirt back on with about half of its buttons done up that was where the... So, you were a topless in the Uber for a while. Yeah, very much so.

Lovely. I wonder whether that... He actually then said, let's turn it back into an Uber now. I wonder how that affected your rating, positively or negatively. I don't know. I'll have to check my data later in the day. We'll check later on. But yeah, sorry.

What a needlessly long story about whether I've got ready nicely for today. Yes, but still... I very rarely... Because I'm frequently find myself in more of a dash than I'd like to be. There's so many times that I've taken measures which are nice, which are then immediately undone. A classic is the shower and then having to break into a run, thus getting more...

But it's the shower that made you late in the first place. That, I say, is a sort of thrice-weekly affair. And ironing a shirt only then to mega-crease it in a boobah. Because the ironing-related delay led to you being so hot that you had to change in you. But that's vintage-grade. Yeah, absolutely. At least, and of course, we wore a tailcoat and it was even worse. One of my favorite stories about you is related to food.

Okay. Do you know what I'm getting at? I don't know. I've got one as well. Oh, good. Well, let's put... Maybe it's the same one. Can you talk about when you supported Jack D on tour?

Oh, no. Yes. Two answers. I'll go with... We went to... I did a few dates in the autumn of 2017 supporting Jack D on his sort of... It doesn't matter. Work in progress tour around the home counties.

And obviously, he goes further with the finished materials. But understand the play. What I'm not trying to do here is make Jack D sound lazy. But so in Hemel Hempstead, I supported him. And I had dinner. And there was a curry house around the corner from the venue, which had caught my eye on the way in. So I got a really lovely and quite large takeaway curry.

But I wanted to... It was one of the earliest dates, so I wanted to listen to Jack. So I thought, yeah, I'm really going to treat myself. I'm going to sit backstage. I'm going to sit sort of side of stage and sort of listen to, slash watch Jack from the side. And I got... Because you couldn't...

It was a dressing room where you couldn't hear the show from the dressing room. And it didn't have one of those systems where you can sort of turn up on a microphone. So I carried a table through. I got knife and fork. It was real like napkin in the shirt. And just started eating my curry. You know when you lay out a curry? You really get yourself established.

It's so nice. It's plate in front of you and then rice on one side, curry in front. And then the nan to the left. The curry clock. The curry clock, yeah. That's exactly it. And at about quarter past nan... ...Jack D on stage suddenly said,

Can anyone smell cup of soup? It hadn't not occurred to me that it was quite a strong smelling curry. But I thought that's not like... He's a professional. He's not going to reference what he can smell in the room, right? And I was frozen at the clock. Just unsure of whether I could... And the fact that I'd like move the table and stuff as well.

It was such an obviously... Just imagine you with the napkin stuck to it with you. And I thought it was just suddenly freezing. Staying looking to the side of the stage and seeing this new comic. Laying out a banquet for himself with the napkin tucked into his shirt. Newer comic change, you know. After a decade in the game, you can have the odd curry and hemel. But not with Jack.

But also there was a curtain in front of me, which if he'd pulled it aside, everyone in the crowd would have been able to see it. The best reveals is the wizard of us. I was praying that he wouldn't do that. I think in your situation, I've been praying that you would. I would have thought this would be great. Really? Yeah. If he pulled it aside and everyone sees me.

I think I was just frozen there, just not knowing. Just feeling so embarrassed in court. You know, in the peep show wedding episode, when Jess wets himself and it starts going through the floorboards into the church. And Mark goes, nothing this bad has ever happened to anyone. I must be... And I was thinking, I mean, obviously it's pretty overdramatic for just having a sly curry and getting caught.

But I was just so obsessed with the fact that it was such an immediately stupid thing to have done. And it betrayed so much of my own greed as well. Because I think I'd said before the gig, we're going to get dinner. And Jack said, no, I think we'll be all right. So it looked like a show of petula. So I was like, well, if you're not going to grant me the dinner I crave, then I'll just get it myself and waft it into your work in progress show.

Now, the story that I was going to ask for, I'm not sure if you'd be up for telling it and you don't have to, is a story you only very recently told me involving food. And I believe it was a catsuit curry involved in this. Oh, no. Yeah, okay. So I did eight out of 10 cats does countdown in... We filmed it in March, I think.

And it's yet to be broadcast. Because I'm assured it will be. But to be honest, as much as obviously a great show as it was to go on and a privilege, I did find it quite stressful and it wasn't good enough at countdown the actual like playing the game, which I thought like, at least I'll be good at the maths and the numbers games. And I found it quite intimidating because as well as all the sort of top tier comic cast,

I was on the same team as guest team captain Richard Iowarti, who I'm a fan of his work. We'd only met once before and that's when he'd seen me sitting in a hot tub with Big Nasty in a tailcoat during an ill advised chat about privilege for the pilot of Big Nasty's TV show. Which I think Victorica, which I want to describe to you as Big Nasty's show, where at one point he had some eaten butler in a hot tub. It's exactly how she described it. Not even the acknowledgement that I was a stand-up comedian and don't have a job.

She called you an eaten butler. And so I thought this, I've got to get myself back on a good track with Iowarti here. But I'd already let myself down by wearing... My mum had got me quite a fancy shirt for Christmas. And when I'd gone to get it changed, it was the wrong size. The woman in the shop said, oh, this is the shop where Richard Iowarti buys all his clothes for the crystal maze because they're sort of quite funny pattern shirts.

So I thought, wouldn't it be nice A to wear the shirt my mum got me on telly, but also it'd be funny to be on Richard Iowarti's team and wear a shirt from the same company. He'll find that funny. As soon as I told him, it again became clear what a terrible idea. Because he's very dry obviously and not one to hugely go over the top. With sort of an emotional reaction to anything. So he just looked so baffled and disappointed. And immediately you're like, yeah, I'm a fan who's dressed up as you for this gig.

So I felt like a bit of a chump. Also, I had my mascot. They wanted something to do with Eaton. Fair enough, I've got a USP and I've got to work it. And I told them that at Eaton, they would make figurines of you in your full tails as a present for family members. And even though I said that I actually hadn't got one of those, they'd said, oh, we'll just make one.

And then you can say you haven't even put it on the desk. So they'd got a full length photo of me wearing my eaton tails, 13 years old, not a care in the world. And that was my mascot. It wasn't a very funny mascot. I didn't have a lot to say about it. I didn't really know when I was allowed to take it off the desk because of continuity. So just sat awkward there in front of me as I was bad at maths wearing Richard Iowarti's shirt.

And then afterwards, we were getting a trade back from Stockport. It's filmed in Manchester and Richard and I were both getting the train back. But we got separate cars there. And when I got to the station, I couldn't see him anywhere. And I got on the train thinking, well, maybe he just maybe didn't come. Maybe he stayed in Manchester or maybe he got a different train or whatever. And they'd given us dinner because we hadn't had dinner before the show. And you know how I insist on having a dinner at some point in procedures.

And they'd given us a wagamama. So I had a lovely cold chicken katsu curry, but no cutlery to eat it with. And I couldn't find cutlery anywhere in the train. Richard Iowarti appeared on the train behind me. He saw me before I saw him as I was attempting to eat a chicken katsu curry using the figurine of me at Eaton. And it was such a low point. It was so like sort of dipping myself in my katsu.

Because it was the it was the only utensil to hand. Because from his perspective, he's just turned up to work and a young a young man has come up to me, I bought my show out from the same place as you. And then on the train on the way back, he's seen me eating a curry with a picture of himself. It doesn't send a good message. So I don't know if I'll have any further professional encounters with Richard Iowarti, but I think there's even more riding on the third one. So as always, we start with still or sparkling water.

What's your what's your preference? I would like still water, please. Ideally tap water, complimentary tap water. Now why is this because you're trying to appear like an everyman? No, I think that's gone. Said goodbye to that already on this and other appearances. But I think from I suppose there is an everyman thing in that I'm quite I've spent a lot of my adult life being quite sort of anxious about money

and feeling quite keen to go to a restaurant and have a nice time. But for not to be too many frills and and I consider a drink a frill. So if I'm going for lunch with someone and it feels a slightly indulgent thing to do, I comfort myself with the thought of a nice class of still water to sit and a huge sense of relief when someone else goes for still water first. You just come across a tap water and you go, oh yeah, that seems to make sense. And I think it's such a it just feels quite a vulgar thing to pay for. And I'd probably put sparkling water in that as well.

And my mum was a big believer in that you should that restaurants should fulfill their legal obligation to provide free tap water. And once it is a legal requirement, but not in certain parts of Europe. And that's why once on a on a family trip, my mum made us leave a restaurant because because they were charging us for tap water. And she'd evidently decided that it was it was some sort of standoff that she needed to call their bluff on, which was quite admirable in hindsight. But it's a bit of a faff when you're like you're a young family.

And you know, but I respect it. You have to find somewhere else to eat. It's all very well and good in the moment. We're like a good day to you and you walk it out and then you're outside. And that's the one place to have lunch in this town. What does anyone else fancy the week now? Well, also you go to the next place and if they're charging for tap water as well, you're going, well, how long is this sure?

You know, are we never going to eat again? Clearly just the custom. Yeah. But but I think I think a nice still water. So you like to start the meal by kind of like just dealing with your your mental state first. Put all my anxieties to one side by having this guilt-free tap water. And that makes me feel like the rest of it isn't too much of an indulgence. Yeah.

Like I've already shown sort of a certain degree of respect to and now I can loose a little bit with a couple of sides, which undermines the whole thing. But also I just like, can I say I love water. I love a big shout. I love having I love having water with me out and about. I love so many bottles of refrigerated water in my fridge. I've just, yeah, you always have a bottle of water in your pocket when you're on stage. There's no reputation I crave more than always having a bottle of water.

That's music to my ears. Well, that's and that's yeah, that's what I think. When someone says describe I have a grime, I'd probably go Aetonian. I'd follow up with hydrated Aetonian. But funnily enough, loves to have tap water. Rooming to be a Merman. And when I do a gig like up the creek in Greenwich, you get those little glass bottles. I love getting as many of those as I can and taking them home.

And not like more than one per gig. Now, have you not? What do you do when you take them home? Kiss them all? Kiss them all, fill them with water and put them in the fridge. And then and there's nothing better than remembering to take one with you when you leave the house on a hot day. Have you not jumped on board with the one water bottle, reusable water bottle?

I've got a couple of those and lost them and that doesn't feel great. So probably even worse for the environment now, isn't it? What? Losing all the reusable ones. Losing loads of reusable ones. Well, it's not easy to remember, you know, a water bottle. I agree with you, mate. And that's why I try to have as many as possible in the house because I just could have to accept that stuff will get lost along the way.

How many have you got in your house right now? I'd say probably seven. Seven in the fridge? It's like the house from signs. I've not seen signs. It's a great joke. Yeah, I think I've got a couple of the Highland Spring ones from up the creek, which are which are sort of quite triangular.

And then a couple of my local pub has Strathmore ones, the Strathmore glass ones, which are more of a sort of fat bottom and then and and the top of is thinner, which actually that's my favorite. Your favorite is the Strathmore. Yeah, and I've got a couple of blues and a green. The fat bottom waters. There was a period in July when I was doing I was trying to write my Edinburgh show and the pub down down the road from us was showing the cricket every day during the World Cup.

And I thought I won't take my phone because that's my main distraction, but I'd like to go to a pub in the daytime with the cricket on because it's something you could sort of glance at but ignore. I can't have I need a little bit of distraction, a little bit of reward, and I would always go in and have a glass bottle of Strathmore and take it home with me. July was such a net profit month for getting loads of these little bottles and taking them home. And I've since lost a few of them. But it was and also by after a few days, the woman in there would know when I came in.

So she was reaching for the glass bottle of Strathmore before I'd even got to the bar. And that's that's always a nice feeling. I mean, you're saying you want tap water, but surely you'd prefer a bottle of Strathmore and then you take the bottle with you. Oh, yeah, that's actually a good point. And then I've got a souvenir from the dream restaurant. Or do you want to bring your own bottle of Strathmore and we'll fill it with tap water for you? No, I think I'd like to add another one to my collection,

particularly if it had some sort of dream restaurant brand. So Strathmore, but if you look very closely at the drawing of the lake on it, it's me. I'm swimming in the lake as a genie. The genie's swim? This genie does. Lovely. I can swim, yeah. Pop it up, it's all bread.

Pop it up, it's all bread, Ivo. Pop it up, it's all bread. What a moment. He jumped. Well, what was it? You did jump. What was it? I'm quite pleased with that.

Well, I like the podcast and I've listened to it a lot and I've thought, I'm not going to get a bamboozled by this poppadoms or bread business, but obviously you're a master of your craft. And what you've made me do is you've made me picture you swimming in the Strathmore lake. And I was having such a nice time picturing that logo. And also I was thinking about when I was thinking about if I got a bottle with that specific logo, whether I would feel comfortable taking it out of the house, because sometimes if I'm leaving in a bit of a hurry and I'm not feeling very organized,

and particularly if I'm down to only a couple of glass bottles, I'm like, no, it's not, it's actually, it's too much of a, I don't want to get to zero. Does that make sense? So that's why I was caught so unaware by poppadoms or bread, because the man in the lake was shouting at me. And my answer would be, if I may, can I have dough balls? I'll allow dough balls. Can I have pizza express dough balls?

It's just bread, it's just bread, right? It's disguised, but not even that well disguised. No, not disguised. Hiding in plain sight. Just wearing a butter veil. You were like pizza express dough balls. Yeah. Probably a lot of listeners podcast agree with you there and

annoy that they've never thought of that. Well, I'm sure people have thought of it. I can't claim that I'm being massively original, but pizza express, I wanted pizza express represented somewhere. And it's, because it's, I just love pizza express so much. Yeah. It's a British institution. I didn't really feel I could have, well, there's a few leading candidates for Maine.

I thought I don't have a pizza, but again, dough balls are a classic example of something where, even though, like things are going okay. I can spend £3.50 or whatever on some dough balls. If I ever go to pizza express, unless it's been a really good day, pardon me, looks at the dough balls and goes, no, come on. Your pizza's made of dough. Even though it's what I want so much. So yeah, tap water please, no dough balls.

And we're away. Ideally, I get the dough balls doppio, which are where there's, you get twice as many and you get more, you get more sources, more tips. One's red, one's green. It's great. They're sort of pesto-y things, I think. I mean, obviously the garlic butter is still. That's the key, right?

That's the key. Yeah, you're rolling it around it. How much coverage are you getting on each dough ball with the butter? I'll go, I'm going back in, certainly. With, I'm going in more than once per dough ball. And I probably are actually, if I could have, so the dough balls doppio, it's three, but I'd probably get rid of the red one and have another garlic butter, I think. Because I can't have more than three.

I want to play by the, play by the pizza express rules. But there's never quite enough garlic butter. They would like to sub that out, I think. I think they wouldn't bring me extra, but they'd sub in. They've really, I think they've really cracked on something pretty good there. Because God knows how much it costs them to make that. Probably like one pea or something. Because it's just pizza dough.

It's the same stuff, and they just put it in a different shape. I know, but it's so, it's always browned to such a perfect level. I love looking at it. I've never looked at it for long before it's gone. Try to relish even for a couple of seconds how, I mean, it's almost too, very occasionally, I think I'd like to see a more like blackened dough ball. Just to sort of reassure me that it's not too clinical a process. But like most clinical processes, it is unnerving, but it is impressive.

Imagine you like, you know, leaning back on two legs of your chair, flipping doubles into your mouth with a figurine of yourself. The dream is me playing table tennis with Richard O.R.D., and he's got a figurine of himself, but that dream seems, that seems further than ever from a possibility now. Do you have a standard pizza express order in general? Do you always go for the same thing when you go in pizza? I'd usually go American hot, but I'm trying to do more veggie stuff now,

so it'd probably be more like a Fiorentine or something. No, I wonder if I've told you this before, because you're going to laugh at me so much. My standard pizza, pizza express order is American hot with extra cheese, because my dad ordered it once and I copied him. Great. I think you love that. Yeah, absolutely, you love it. How old were you?

Probably like 10 or 11. My dad had an American hot with extra cheese and I was like, yeah, that's pretty cool actually. I'll have that too. I love that copied is definitely so young. It's copied his dad's order. It's so great. Oh, it's so sweet though.

Yeah, and I still have it to this day. Does your dad know you still have it to this day? I'm not. We've not been to a pizza express together in a while. Okay. We should. That was a big treat back in the day, pizza express. Still one of my favorite standard performances I've ever seen was a little kid who was like,

it was a, you know, Barbara nice. She did a, it was a festival and at the festival, she had done a comedy workshop with a bunch of kids one day and then the evening all the kids did a gig and the gig was on before I was doing the show. So I stayed in there to watch the, I got there early and watched the kids show. And there was one kid who clearly like, she had about like 20 kids in one day. She had to teach her to do stand-up.

So some of them she spent more time on with. Some of them slipped through the net. Yeah. So she was like, you know what, just, she just told this kid, look, if you like lift your arm up like that to the audience, they'll cheer. Yeah. So just do that for the, just tell them the story you've told me, but make sure they cheer after everything.

So he went on, he went, how's it going? And they all cheered and it was like, uh, you having a nice night? And they cheered again and then he goes, uh, oh, me and my dad went to Alton Towers recently. Who's been to Alton Towers? And then he was doing the whole story of like, went on this ride and he went, never me and dad went for a pub lunch. He likes a pub lunch.

And he went, me and my dad both had a steak and kidney pie. And my favorite bit was he went, who's that one of them? Who's that one of them? It's still one of my favorite, but I laughed so much for so long. But it was a fact that him and his dad both had a steak and kidney pie. It made me laugh even more. I've both had it. He come to his dad's order.

Is that one of them? And it was a kid's gig. It was a kid. Yeah. But with their parents as well. The audience was all like, made the adults really. I thought of him saying, who's that one of them? And lots of kids sat next to their dads raising their hands in unions.

Putting up their dads. Dad might have. Pizza with extra cheese. That's really nice. I don't think I know what my parents have. I don't think I've ever had a pizza express with my dad. Be cool. I immediately think that I must have done at some point.

But it's certainly the restaurant that I remember. I think it's the first restaurant I remember. Yeah. And I think that's why it's so exciting. And it's still the same to this day. Everything's the same. I don't think they've changed a lot. They've added things to the menu, sure.

And then the Ramana base, that's a fairly new. Yes. That pizza with a hole in the middle. Nonsense. Donut? Donut? Sounds like a donut. What I just described.

It's the legera pizza. It's supposed to be less calories, but they do that by cutting all the dough out of the middle of the pizza and filling it with salad. And I'll tell you where that dough goes. Into those little lovely dough balls. It's so perfectly browned. I'm really pleased that no one else has had that on the podcast before. No, they haven't.

That's a great show. And I do like to think that there'll be more people respecting the decision than suggesting that I'm breaking the rules. You're not. Because it's bread. It's not bread. I mean, it's arguably... And listen, I love poppadoms.

And if I wasn't allowed to, I'd probably go poppadoms. But dough balls are more bread than poppadoms are. Yes. Sure, sure. Absolutely. But you know, look, there's a lot of people. Sometimes when people don't choose poppadoms or bread for this first week, we've had Desiree Chozer and like...

Tortilla chips. Tortilla chips and stuff. Some people listen to the podcast, kick off about it, get a little bit annoyed. All I will say is, we're going to make a lot of these episodes, so maybe enjoy a bit of a ride. People are changing it up. Enjoy it. You're going to need those.

Yeah. Well, I know that someone else does dough balls at some point, they had done the line, but doesn't specify the doppio. Yeah. With the extra... You've got the doppio. With the extra sauce. Replacing the red with the...

Extra dips. One of which is then replaced again by the original garlic butter. Some people have enough of the garlic butter left over to put it on their pizza when it arrives. What? And I always marvel at the restraint that that entails. Like, even if by some fluke I haven't put it all on my dough balls, I'm probably just eating it straight out of the Turin before the pizza arrives. Just notting it.

Lapping it up like a kitten. Yeah. Not a Turin. What would you call it, the little... Ramekin. The Ramekin. There we go. You guys, obviously, do a podcast like this.

We do another podcast about different dishes. Oh, that's it. I get to dinner Turin. How is it not going to go for the pizza afterwards? That's humongous. Your starter. I felt like dough balls were the starter, but they're not. It does feel a bit like a starter.

I think my starter is sort of... I think it's almost laughably simple, but it's a nice light touch after the dough balls, which are pretty heavy, particularly with the Turin of... I nearly said vat. I'm just always going to have to upgrade. By the end of this, it'll be me swimming in it in the straff...

Oh, is it full of garlic butter? Yes. Like, with one little, like, anti-pool of the red dip. If it was socially acceptable, would you turn up to Pizza Express with a straff more bottle full of garlic butter? Puts a laugh. Shaking it up.

I think you know what I'd like. Doppio! No shout on. Let's have this pizza express into a booboo. It doesn't work. Doesn't work. Doesn't work. It all works.

Pizza undress, or should I say pizza undress? She just said pizza undress, but I was like pizza undress was on the table and you said booboo express. It's a little morality telling, taking another second. So I would just have, I think it's called a caprese, just a tomato mozzarella salad. But big hunks of tomato, big hunks of mozzarella,

loads of basil, bit of balsamic vinegar, maybe even some pine nuts as well, which aren't a traditional part of it, but I've started putting them on. You know when there's that bit in that, in the first episode of the news, there's a flea bag where they're arguing, and her sister, who's been on the podcast,

says putting pine nuts in everything doesn't make you an adult. And she goes, it fucking does. And I was so, I was watching that, and it really hit me quite hard, because I was right in the midst of my own private pine nut revolution. Have you ever got pine nuts?

No. So I've already heard about this thing, where like, I only know one person it's happened to, you have a bad pine nut, and it makes your whole mouth go horrible. Actually, hold on, right, the one person who I know it's happened to, is Ed Easton, and he sat downstairs,

I'll go and get him, and I'll bring him up and we'll quiz him about his pine mouth, hold on a second. What an incredible life. This has never happened before. Ed Easton's hopefully still here, Ed Easton from Gaines Family Gift Shop. Now Tarot.

And Tarot, yeah, and porters. Soon to be known as. That is Pine Mouth Eddy. Also, James said, have you ever had pine mouth? And then he said, the only person I've ever known to have had pine mouth. So it's not a regular thing. It's just, I don't know if he's remembered

that Ed Easton is in the building before he's brought that up. This is so exciting. Here he is. I can't, he's genuinely here. Hello, mate, you're right. Ed Easton is here from Sketch Group, Gaines Family Gift Shop.

Ed, we were just talking about pine nuts, and I bought a pine mouth. I don't know enough about it to answer the questions. The way it was introduced, he said, have you ever had pine mouth? I only know one other person who's had pine mouth. So he's saying it's a thing, but he only knows you who's had it.

It's definitely a thing. Me and my flatmate both had it. So what happened, Ed? Nice and close for the mic. Sorry, thank you very much. Thanks for having me. Hello, everyone. Lovely to finally be invited onto the podcast.

So pine mouth, what happens is, you have a pine nut that's sort of gone off, and then the oil inside the nut coats your tongue for ages, for like two weeks, and everything tastes really chemically. For two weeks? Yes, for fucking ages, and everything's on the podcast.

So it coats your tongue, and then everything tastes really chemically. Have you ever had that stuff that stops you biting your nails? Yes. Yeah, everything tastes like that. Oh, god. It's really bad.

And then we found these pills that make everything taste really sweet, but they didn't work. So you tried some sweet pills? Yeah. You've somebody on buying some sweet pills, and they didn't work? No, they were a lie.

They work either? No. So you were in a pretty desperate situation. Yeah, but neither of us knew, because we both shared the pine nuts things. So for about a week, we were both just off our food and being really weird to each other,

because we were asking if we wanted to eat. And we were like, eh, I'm not really hungry. I'm not very hungry. But you didn't open up to each other? Not for ages. You didn't tell each other about it? And then one of us was like, everything tastes weird, man.

I was like, it tastes so weird. It tastes horrible. Do you have pine nuts in? Yes. So it's not put you off completely? No, but it did for a while. For like a couple of years, I didn't have any pine nuts.

For like two years, no pine nuts. When was your big one when you went back in? Well, I went back in, and what happens is if you can have like a resurgence, what's it called? Oh, relapse? Yeah, you can have a relapse. Yeah, your tongue is going to have a relapse.

So your tongue relapsed, did you get pine mouth again? Yeah. Yeah, for a couple of days. So you were two years old. How did you find it get very funny? It was very funny. So you didn't have any pine nuts,

so you went back in and you got pine mouth again? Yeah. Thanks very much, Ed. We will have you on for a full episode. I don't believe you, but... Do you want to promote anything? No. Any plugs?

Pine mouth? Pine mouth. Pine mouth. At least to everybody. It's real. Bye, bye, bye. Thank you, Ed. Thanks for that, mate.

Thank you, Ed. You're welcome. Wow. What a revelation. Yeah. I told you I wasn't lying. Well, we didn't think you were lying. Ed wouldn't think I was lying.

No, we didn't have a chance to think you were lying, because you literally went, have you ever had pine mouth? I know a guy had pine mouth. He's downstairs. Wait there. It was so... It was...

It was very quick. I didn't know if he'd be gone. Yeah, yeah, of course. So you might put... Well, no, they're not going in now. Yeah. Not after that. I don't want to be two weeks out of the game.

So you're just going with standard caprese? Yeah, I think so. I mean, is that so boring? It's just... No, it's great. There's nothing. A big, a big tomato. Is there anything better?

The mozzarella's my favourite. Well, the mozzarella, and now, of course, you've got this... Now, I think, I don't think it's a new thing, but a burrata. Oh, burrata. I love it. It's just creamy.

It's just creamy. Cream oozing out of a burrata. It's so good. I buy a lot of burrata. So really, I'm looking to blend the line here between just having a sort of standard minimum list of caprese, and actually just some big beef tomatoes

around a burrata, a sort of monster caprese. But... No, that's what you're having. I think you're having the monster caprese. You're having the monster caprese. The monster caprese, I think, is what we're allowed to call it. In my early days of sort of trying to like

do dinner parties in my early 20s, I would always do a tomato mozzarella salad as a starter, because I thought having a starter really took things up a notch, but I couldn't cook two hot courses. No. Too far too stressful.

I'm not a good enough cook. But I think it's a classy starter, and it's a good starter, it's fresh. People are so impressed when I reveal that there was a starter, but actually what happened was me putting quite a lot of the afternoon into a risotto,

and then 10 minutes before they arrived, realising that I hadn't done the starter, and just hastily cutting up some tomato and some mozzarella in those sad bags that you get from supermarkets, just sort of trying to drain them in a hurry, and just about get it in and then tearing it. And then doing that fun thing with the basil

where you've got one of those knives, which is like a smile, and you hold both ends on the chopping board, and it's left-hand down, right-hand down, and it's such a fun way to chop herbs. One of those knives that's like a smile. Like a smile, that's such a lovely insight. Why an innocent mind?

Like a smile. Well, it is, it is like, it's like a you. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm happy with smile, I think we did a smile. Yeah, it was one of those smiling knives. You might smile now. And are you putting some olive oil in that?

Of course. Oh, yeah. It's, I mean, and it's just, it's sort of, it's deceptive, because obviously it's very filling, particularly if you're going with the monster caprese, but it's actually, it feels mentally so light. Yeah, I love it.

Great starter. Great. The main course, we come to the main. I think that my main would, is going to be, I don't know if anyone else, this is the main thing that probably people are indecisive about, right? Because it's the, because it's the most important one.

Yeah, yeah. And, sentimentally, the meal that is perhaps the most, a sort of mental association for me, is a carbonara at home cooked by my mum, because it's just so nice and wholesome, and it's what we have when we get together as a family. And, but, but I don't like it actually, as much as I like. Misu ramen.

And that's what I want. I want Misu ramen really, and I'll take us back to the Graeme half for dessert. And it's nothing to do with how nice the carbonara is, but I just, I think no meal makes me more excited going out in the thought of having Misu ramen. And it used to be on the Wagamama menu, and then it disappeared from the menu,

and I actually wrote a letter to Wagamama once asking for them to put it back on. Oh, yes, please. Do you have that letter on you? Can you read it? No, I don't have it on me. You love a letter? I love a letter.

A letter letter, not an email. No, a letter. A letter, yeah. So, one of my other favourite stories about you is a letter based over. Is it Dave Gorman? Yes. Yeah, I also, I was probably about the same time

as writing to Wagamama once I wrote to Dave Gorman. I'm sure I'm not the only person to have written to those two big beasts in the same summer. You've done this story, Joe. Yeah, it's like, I couldn't tell it, please. It's just after I started doing stand up, and Dave Gorman was doing a stand up tour where he cycled around the UK,

and I asked if I could support him on that tour, because, as I quote, I was a relatively new stand up, but I've been a keen cyclist for many years. I didn't get a reply from Wagamama. I didn't get the gig. I didn't get any of the gigs, but I did get a nice reply from Dave Gorman

saying that he didn't tend to take a support, and if he did, it would probably be someone that he knew. You've got to say that's fair enough, actually. Yeah, another Dave Gorman. Yeah, yes, exactly. Where are you getting the ramen from, then? So, my friend Matt and I have a thing where we've been trying to go to as many Wagamamas as we can

over the last, like, 10 years, and I think we've done a really sizeable proportion of the ones in London and a few in Berkshire, but... Perfect. Absolutely perfect, not even all the London ones. You can't start venturing out to Berkshire before you've completed London. He lives in Berkshire.

Oh, fair enough, yeah. Yeah, fair enough. Hopefully you've just gone to the ones on your doorstep and seen it at the Nationwide Challenge. Well, here's the problem. Firstly, it's hard to meet up with your friends too regularly, and also, Wagamama, it's not great, actually. When you start enjoying,

Wagamama was so exciting as a teenager because it was like you were allowed to leave at Eaton on Saturday afternoons to go into Windsor. Is this your universal observation? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm so excited as a teenager when you're allowed to leave Eaton to go into Windsor on a Saturday. When you're allowed to leave any profit school...

Windsor with you, a bunch of winged monkeys being freed from your cages. No, I don't know what that means. Are we the winged monkeys? Yeah, yeah. Oh, right, sorry. And the headmistresses of the witch. I haven't seen the Wizard of Oz.

Oh, right. See that I made a reference to it earlier with you being behind a curtain in Currie as well. Yeah, I know, I let no one go. I say, yeah, yeah, yeah, I've got it. If it's one Wizard of Oz reference per course. It's kind of like a busy podcast. I mean, who hasn't seen the Wizard of Oz

has been to four different Wagon Mums' in Berkshire. And after the failure of my letter, I would always just have like the chicken ramen. But it's rubbish. And I've never had a meal that I've not enjoyed as many times as I've had the chicken ramen from Wagon Mums thinking, oh, maybe this time it'll be a bit more miso-y. But it's just not.

But there's a place in London called But there's Bone Daddies, which is really nice. But I think you took me to Bone Daddies for the first time. Maybe I'd confided in you that I was struggling to look for a sort of more ramen option. Matt and I have now been to Bone Daddies, which is good, but it doesn't help the Wagon Mums project at all. But I think that Wagon Mums project may be done.

But there's a place called The Tortoise and Hare. Oh, I've not been to that one. And that has an amazing miso-y. And it's just anything like Asian and brothy, I'm just such a big fan of. And I love going to Red Box at Edinburgh, which is obviously isn't a sort of ramen broth, but just seeing everything get chucked in.

Describe Red Box to people who don't know it? It's an instant noodle place in the centre of Edinburgh. Cash only, burnt by that usually once a year. But I respect their commitment to that, even though goodness knows the reasons. But it's just the most, I'd say it's most comics is like most visited restaurant at Edinburgh and the Moss Kitchen because they're just both quick

and they're central. And it's so, it's probably, it's just loads of salt, really. Although I'd say my now most visited restaurant in Edinburgh is actually Mackey and Ramen, which is a ramen place that's I think got three branches in Edinburgh now and it's belting ramen. Miso ramen? I think so.

I love miso. That's the key, really. I just love miso so much. But you could make that a home, right? You could get some miso paste. Miso sachets. Yeah. At school, I used to have a lot of me,

and at school's eating college again, I'm afraid. But I used to love getting loads of those boxes of miso sachets from Sainsbury's and because there were quite strict rules on like having food outside of meal hours. But there was a hot water machine, so they couldn't stop me making tea. But I used to think that I was really

like just the loophole king, just having just so much miso all the time and my bedroom just sunked of miso. I haven't seen it. Seems so few. It's when Ferris Bieler basically bugs off school and goes to Windsor. But he's not supposed to go to Windsor that day,

but he goes to Windsor anyway. Well, it sounds like a great and relatable movie. We've got to stop doing film references now because I've clearly seen something about less films than Michael Owen. I know. Yeah. It looks up to Michael Owen, like it's Michael Owen mode.

I like, how does he find the time? But I just, yeah, I think a nice miso rum with lots of bean sprouts, they're my favourite bit. And also, I went to this place, the Heron Tortoise, with my friend Ram, and I was quite soon after the first episode of Off Menu to come out. I think with Aisling or someone? Or maybe that was one of the early ones.

And we were talking about it, and that was where I had my first miso ramen in about seven years. And so it feels like it's a lovely completely. Yeah, that sounds very nice. Where was this place, Tortoise and Hair Place? I think there's a few. I know it's very London-centric.

I think Bone Daddies is only in London, and I think Tortoise and Hair is only in London. I think there's three. The one we went to is not only Fleet Street, I think. But it's such a nice... I wanted a big brothy main, I think. A big brothy main. I love ramen so much.

I mean, Tonkotsu in London as well. So yeah, again, very London-centric. But yeah, Tonkotsu, Ippudo, Kanadiya, there's a lot of... Oh, well, I didn't eat it. Well, that's what's depressing about just going to wake a mummer over and over again is you really are shutting the door on so many more experiences.

Japan? You should go to Japan. Did I wake a mum in Japan? Oh, so much of it. And they've still got the Misa Roan on the move. You've never been to Japan, wagamama yet? We've got to finish Barksha. That's the rule.

It's wagamama number one. It's the first one. The original wagamama. The original wagamama. We want our last UK wagamama to be a wagamama at Heathrow before we fly to Japan to kick off the new chapter. But yeah, that's...

And I don't know whether I'd have meat in it because I'm trying to do less meat. You know, an egg. Well, I hope there should be an egg in there already. Yeah, but you always order an extra egg. Always order an extra egg. James Egg has the rules.

Yep. Which I copy from Amy Annette. Yeah. I'll find Amy Annette. Always orders extra egg. I'll copy her. I'll live by it. That's great.

I love finding an egg in the broth. It's so great. Sometimes I push it down into it. Just to hide it. Hide it for yourself. So you can find a late one. You hide it. Deliberately try and forget about it.

And then let your audience know it's a nice little surprise for you. That's exactly it. Well, hello, old fellow. That's what I imagine you say when you say the egg. When the waiter turns his back secretly pouring in garlic butter from your strathmore butter. Yeah, you've got to.

Yeah, you've got to because top it up. I've got another strathmore full of miso. Extra, yeah. That's what I should be taking to waggon moments with. I always, if there's like chili oil available on the tables at ramen places, I always over chili. So I see it very, if I feel like I'm getting a cold, I always go for ramen because I feel like I can sweat it out.

Do end up blowing my nose quite a lot. It's quite undignified ramen. And I think that I wouldn't have it in sort of all company if it was any sort of business lunch. But in the dream restaurant, I'm just eating alone, right? You're eating alone. That's your dream. Yeah, please.

We can not look at you. Yeah, dream restaurant. It's, yeah, it's me on my own just top off. I think probably watching Match of the Day and I don't know the scores. I think that's as good as it gets. I think. Your lovely broth is accompanied by loads of seaweed.

Just loads of seaweed. What sort of seaweed? You know, like you get at the beginning at a Chinese restaurant. So Chinese seaweed with deep fried crispy. Yes, with what's all that orange stuff? No one knows. It's just great though, isn't it? No one knows what the powder is, but it's amazing.

It's so nice. This is such a good call I vote. I had not thought about this until I did. I love Chinese seaweed. Oh, he's excited. And it's such a big, big, constant event. I haven't seen it like this in ages. I think, I think if we're allowed another terrine,

this one is for the Chinese seaweed. A terrine of Chinese seaweed. And I find it very difficult if I go for a Chinese meal, not to, not just to get too excited and have so many of things at the beginning, but the best bit and there's never enough because it's just such tiny little flakes is the seaweed. So this is a weird coincidence

because this week I had a Chinese takeaway and I never ordered seaweed, but I ordered seaweed probably for the first time and I did not like it. What? And it was the crispy seaweed with the orange dust on it. And I was like, I don't know what actually, maybe not. What's there not to like?

It's just crispy, lovely deep fried loveliness. I think it was a bit too salty for me at the time. It is quite salty. It's not seaweed though, is it? It's not actually seaweed. Oh no. I don't think Chinese, yeah, so seaweed is deep fried spring greens or cabbage.

I don't mind, I love cabbage. But it's called seaweed, isn't it? It's called seaweed, look. And is sushi wrapped in seaweed or is that wrapped in? No, that's nori, that is seaweed. I think Chinese seaweed is such a good shout. I'm very disappointed to hear that. I'm sorry, but you know, fair enough.

But it's just such a weird coincidence. I never have it. I had it for the first time this week. Like, well, I've had it before, but I've never ordered it. First on this week, I'll give it a go. And now it's on the menu. It's very salty. I think it's a bit of a side where I get excited

by the thought of there being an infinite amount of it, as opposed to restaurants where there's never enough, because it's really quite decorative. And also, again, I'm eating alone. So I just can't... You can go face first into that, Turin. Are you a drink? A Virgin Mary.

Wow. No one was expecting that. What's wrong with a Virgin Mary? Sorry, you know what's wrong with it, because you looked absolutely delighted. So pleased with yourself when you said a Virgin Mary. For the expected reaction. Well, I haven't got the reaction yet.

You're making me react in anticipation of the reaction. Well, we're absolutely stunned, aren't we? Well, I thought... Look, what did you think I was going to have? I didn't know what you were going to have. A bottle of commercial lager, I thought maybe. Yeah, I suppose so. Yeah, I do like that.

And I've increasingly started moving it in the IPA direction. And those are very flavoursome. You know, maybe one of those cans of neck oil with those cartoons, which I still feel like I haven't really sort of seen everything in a cartoon. Yeah, there's so much going on. But I thought it would be nice

not to have any alcohol and to enjoy just a Virgin Mary, which is also spicy. Yeah, sure. Really nice and spicy. Basically, I love Big Tom, which is the spice tomato juice. Not Tom Davis. No, but I'm also a big fan of his work. And I think my dream would be to appear on Murder and Success Fill

and to be drinking a Big Tom at some point in the process. We can get Big Tom Davis to bring you your drink, if you want. He's not next door as well, is he? I mean, that's real genie stuff there, just being able to summon people. At will from the next room. When I said Eddie Easton was in the building, it actually wasn't.

I magicked him up. But you can't magic up Tom Davis. No, no. I've drained myself of all my powers today. I can just do the food from now on. So, yeah, Big Tom. And so, as I've started to get into drinking more beer, you very quickly fall into a pattern of like

having just one or two beers at home every night. And I became wary of just exactly what that direction that was going in and how fast. So, I ordered so much Big Tom. And they come in little cans, which is annoying because my favourite is a big glass bottle. For a collector of small glass bottles. Yeah, of course.

A big glass bottle is the absolute thing. You rock it up to gigs with a Big Tom bottle full of water. Oh, man. Oh, no, no. Because that's what it's done. I can't imagine that the Big Tom bottle is full of tiny glass bottles of water. It's a big bottle for a small bottle.

Yeah, yeah, of course. That is an engineer's dream and I'd love to see it. So, I remember once at university, the University of Oxford, when we had formal dinners, they had these amazing, not amazing, they were just glass bottles. But I loved them and they had, what's it called, the flip top on a glass bottle? The flip top.

The cork that flips out. The cork that flips out and is attached. Yes. Oh, yeah. Or those ones with the little lever and the little... Glottal stop. Something like a stop. Something like something stop.

A bottle stop. A bottle stop. A glottal stop. It's a Harry Potter thing. I think it's a glottal stop. That's a linguistic thing. It's a linguistic thing. A bottle stop.

Bottle stop. Sure. Yeah, that's what we're not going to talk about by now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The thing, the cork on a gate. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And listen, I didn't sort of revel in the pageantry of going

to uni and all of that awful snobby rubbish. But the bottles did have the name of the college on that. So it's more just attached to the memory of having these silly formal dinners at uni and pretending you were sort of older than you were. And someone, a friend of mine, went back to uni for an old member's dinner. And because I'd reminisced him about it, he nicked one of the college class bottles with the bottle stop in and brought it for me as a present.

And I'd say top 10 presents ever. The combination of a souvenir glass bottle and nostalgia for younger, more innocent days is just so up my street. And that's never leaving the house. So you could put, we could put the Virgin Mary in that drink out of there. Would you glock it out of that? No, I would. I still decant it, but I just like to sit on the table.

And also, because there's other stuff, I want a big stick of celery. I want some big cubes of ice. I just, it's such a, and it doesn't really fit with the rest of the meal, but it is hard to make all the meal fit together, in such a sort of one PM at a pub on a summer's day drink. And it's attached to so many memories of optimism, having a Virgin memory. That could have been the title of your debut show.

Yeah, Virgin memory. Absolutely beautiful. The best slip of the tongue I've heard in a while. I've got a Virgin memory. Just brings back so many Virgin memories. Yeah. So I'm swinging a Virgin Mary, reminiscing Virgin memories, and there's an unwieldedly large bit of celery,

which I'm working my way through. And if later on in the evening, as match of the day enters, it's the sort of lesser games. If you could, yeah, if you topped it up with maybe a little bit of vodka. But I don't know when that's happening. So you want this Virgin Mary to lose its virginity? I want it like me to lose its virginity at an unwieldedly late stage. And you want, but you don't want to know about it.

I don't really want to know. So you want the waiters to fuck Mary behind your back? Yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying. Oh, no, oh, no, Ed. Oh, no. Oh, no. I don't want to have to do any of this. I'll distract you by putting an Eddiston in.

That's what I'll do. But does that, I mean, I know it's a bit of a stupid drink. And it's not really like an evening meal with your ramen and your seaweed. But it's just, I think it is, I think a really spicy tomato juice. Yeah. Big Tom. I did a big Tom.

In an Oxford bottle. Which you own 10 gallons of? Yeah. How much big Tom do you own? I think it was 96 cans. What the hell is the matter with you? They were a little, I think I... I think you should just admit you're an alcoholic and get rid of...

The 96 cans of big Tom is way more worrying than just having a few beers at home. Oh, sorry. Most people, when they're like, I'm drinking too much, it's scenes of like people pouring booze down the sink. Yeah. You're not filling their house with more liquid. Oh, I'd better get in loads of big Tom. 96, not 100.

I don't want to feel like a man yet. I'll get 96 cans. What I'll do is I'll buy boxes and boxes of cans. Trace, they were slabs. They were lovely slabs. Slabs of big Tom. Just to physically block myself from the beer. Oh, no, well, it was annoying.

We moved about halfway through my big Tom odyssey. As the move date approached, I stepped up my consumption to try and finish them. And we arrive at your dessert. The greatest dish of all. I think I'm going to disappoint James with the dessert. Because I do like desserts, but I just don't have desserts that often. I don't know what... I don't like what this is about.

And I don't feel good. I feel great. We have... And I told you we'd return to the Graham hearth. And we're back at my parents' house. And my mum will occasionally make some lovely crumbles. Apple crumbles up there. Really nice apple crumble.

But I think what I'm probably going to have is just a banana cut up in Yo-Valley yogurt. Oh, what? I was all over stealing myself a cheese and biscuit. And it's somehow worse. A banana cut up in Yo-Valley yogurt. You absolutely trash man. You trash man with your trash family. The Graham hearth.

Oh, the back of the Graham hearth. What's going to be the Graham hearth? I chopped up a banana in Yo-Valley yogurt. Because my dad... That's his favourite thing. What? Who is he? How is that his favourite thing?

Because my dad can't really... And he doesn't cook. That is clear. He barely eats full of salad. He doesn't barely... He has a lovely... So it's either that or pretty full of... Have you patty for Luke?

What? One on his own? A patty for Luke on his own? Or with the chopped up banana? No, no, no. Which means you're putting loads of different patty for Luke all over the one banana. No, no, no. There's no banana with the patty for Luke. The patty for Luke is just on its own.

If we don't have banana, we do have patty for Luke. Me five! Well, no. I'm 20 at nine. And my dad's 48. 58. It doesn't matter. He... So...

But because it's his... Usually, you know, it'll be my mum or increasingly my brother who cooks a lot, who'll put a lot of effort into a big main. Usually a lovely carbonara. And then pudding will be a bit of a bits and bobs afterthought. So there will be some cheese and biscuits. Ma! There will be some grapes.

But my dad's throw... And his sort of eyes light up and he says... He wouldn't chop a banana into some yogurt for me, would you? And I would say, no, I wouldn't. But now I'm afraid I've spent the last two decades of my life drinking that Kool-Aid. How are we the Cratchits? Bob Cratchits found me on Christmas Day.

And you put brown sugar on, if that's one you back over. Brown sugar elevates it slightly. And also, you watch the brown sugar sort of to dissolve in such a lovely golden way. I'm aware of how brown sugar sinks into a yogurt. It looks lovely. I'm familiar with that visual. And it does not save any of this.

And a bit of squeezy honey as well, ideally. Okay, fine. So, you know... Are you coming around? Are you coming around? Squeezy honey and brown sugar just made it better. But like, still, this is the absolutely... Also, Yo Valley makes me angrier.

Which doesn't have to be Yo Valley. Chopping up a banana in just a natural yogurt. And having some brown sugar and honey in it to... Why are you even bothering me? Because I think that... You must have known... The way your dad asks for it as well. Oh, you wouldn't mind chopping up a banana in just...

Well, no, no, he doesn't say that. If I'm in trouble, you might. He says, you know, he says, you know what I like. And... He just goes, totally take that. Everyone goes, yes. The most boring thing in the world. No, it's not the most boring thing in the world.

It's something sort of simple and rustic about it. And from a very young age, I was able as a man... Simple and rustic. I knew something... You were the most simple... I knew something I could hit you in the face. You were Tony and Oxford graduate. I knew something I could do that could make my dad happy.

And that was to cut banana into some Yo Valley yogurt and sprinkle some brown or muscovado sugar on top. And I'd have it as well. And everyone else would scoff much as you have. But it's basically... My dad, particularly when he's spending like... My mom's not around for whatever reason, will live very much like a divorced man

who's got no idea how to fend for himself. So he'll have beans on toast, and he'll have banana yogurt for pudding. And those are two of my favorite things. I love it. I'm sorry that I didn't go for beans on toast as my main. I wouldn't have cared. Beans on toast as your main, I would have thought

I was probably gearing up for a really good dessert. What sort of pudding would you... I mean, I guess the apple crumble would have been a nicer. Yeah, how dare you. But it doesn't make me... It doesn't make me as happy. It doesn't make me as happy. I could see James gripping the corner of the table

and he had his mouth open because he thought you were going to say cheese and biscuits. And then you relax when you said apple crumble, and then you hit him with the one, two, a banana chip to the Yo Valley yogurt. Because as soon as Ivo started saying, well, to be honest, I put it as I thought, how have I not anticipated that Ivo would go for cheese and biscuits? Like, of course he's going to go for cheese and biscuits.

It's so unbranded. So then I'm like, oh, how could I have been so blind, chastising myself, preparing myself for cheese and biscuits, and then even work. Even though banana is my favorite fruit. Great. So that's a good start. Yeah. So even though we said chopped up banana, I was like, okay, well, maybe we're going somewhere nice with this

in a Yo Valley natural yogurt, and then trying to eat it back with the sugar. I've not, I've not enripped that off the cuff. You know, ask any of the Graham family. Chopped up banana isn't a dessert though. It's something you give to a sloth in a zoo. Yes. Well, you know. You keep your palm flat.

I'm pleased to note that my selection is so applicable across the animal kingdom. They're not going to, the sloths are not going to have enjoyed the misu ramen with a virgin Mary slowly losing its virginity. But I'm glad to win him or her back with their favorite dessert. All right. I'm going to read you this. Your order back now. And let me tell you, I didn't realize this during the episode, but looking back at it now, it is all over the shop.

It's absolutely all over the place. This still strapped more for your water. And you would like to take the bottle home? Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Piece of success. Dobles. Dopio with a, with a med dip taken away in the place of a garlic butter.

Another garlic butter. Starter. Starter. A monster. Caprese. Yeah. Main miso ramen from tortoise and hare. Side loads of crispy seaweed.

Drink virgin Mary that gradually loses its virginity during match of the day. And a dessert, a banana cut up in Yo-Val-E-Yoga with some muscovano sugar sprinkled on top that you slowly watch sink into the yoga along with all of my dreams of a good dessert. I think it's a lovely meal. I think it's, it started really thematically consistent and then it took some really wild turns. Who has ordered 96 bottles of big Tom for himself. Cans of big Tom.

They're very little cans. They're annoyingly little. Little Tom. And in an attempt to visit all the wagon members has visited some London ones and some Bartier ones. Thank you very much for coming in Ivo. Sorry for annoying you personally. Thank you Ivo.

Ivo Graham there. Oh, weird. Oh, weird. I'm fuming. That is one of my favorite moments. One of my favorite course reveals we've ever had on the podcast. Speak for yourself. He took you through it, didn't he?

And you absolutely lost your mind. No one was expecting chopped up banana in Yo-Val-E natural yoga. It's not even, that shouldn't be allowed Ed. It should not be allowed. He's not eating enough stuff to know what he likes in my opinion. Look, I agree. If you go for a dream restaurant, why are you chopping up a banana in Yo-Val-E yoga? But when he talks about the connection he has with his father over that as a dish,

I think it's wonderful. That's what food's all about, making connections with other humans. Sure. Yeah, yeah. I'll accept that bit. But, you know, I think that's something that he needs to work out in his own time. Are you saying why can't they make their connection over a lovely ice cream or something? Yes, why can't they make their connection over a big old milkshake full of chocolate bars?

Because look, the Graham's are a rakish, slim family, you know. Natural yoga and banana, and then they go for a whole run. That's all the joy they get out of life. Yeah. Oh, well, okay. Well, at least he didn't say quints. Yes, he didn't say quints. That's fine.

Luckily, so he stayed in the restaurant for the whole meal. Well done, Ivo Graham. Well done, Ivo. Go and check out Ivo's stuff. Go on Twitter, find him on Twitter and see what he's up to. Absolutely. Ed, what are you up to? Oh, I don't know.

It depends on this as being released. I'm normally doing something. If you go on my Twitter again, we'll come to you. You can probably find something on there about what I'm up to. James, what are you doing? Well, in a minute, I'm about to go to the very nice people at Burger and Lobster, which is the place that I like eating at anyway. Yes.

Some of the lobster roll. Yes. Lobster roll is delicious at Burger and Lobster. Shout out to that. But they've invited me to go and try some. They're doing some spicy lobster nuggets. I'm going to try them for the first time, and I will absolutely shout it out on the show because I want more people to invite me to try new dishes at their food eateries.

Hey, look, if you want to invite me and James to come and eat stuff at your restaurant, we are up for it. Yes, I don't even care how grubby this sounds. Do the little beg on the podcast. Oh, it's not a beg. Not a beg. I'm open to it. Ain't too proud to beg.

Ain't too proud to beg. And thank you, by the way, to Cafe Pod for sending me some of your coffee. Speaking of? I already buy your pods, so you've absolutely wasted your money there. So I'm looking forward to drinking that. Also, we've been sent a beautiful book called For the Love of Food, which is an incredible-like coffee table book, which is all about sustainable food producers in the UK,

and just beautiful black and white photos and information about them. I've already seen a lovely picture of an old man called John, who makes arborosmokies. Really? I don't even know what they are, but they sound great. And I'm going to put that on my coffee table. I'm going to peruse it when people come over and go, I'm just really into sustainable UK food, guys. Also, big thank you to Eddieston on this podcast.

Oh, yeah. Thank you, Eddieston. The Pine Mouth Boy. You can find Gaines Family Gift Shop, his sketch group- And Tarot. And Tarot is in two sketch groups. Tarot and Gaines Family Gift Shop, they're on Twitter, as is Ed himself. So much, so much funny content from that boy.

And I did say to him, just then, when he was up here, I said, we'll get you on for a full episode soon. And he said, I don't believe you. Yes. So now we have to get him on for a full episode. Otherwise, I'll be rendered a liar. Yes. So look forward to an episode from him soon.

Thank you very much for listening. Come back to the restaurant again soon. Bye-bye. See you later. Hello. My name's Rob Orton, and I do the Rob Orton Daily Podcast. The Rob Orton Daily Podcast is a daily podcast that is quite short. Some are two minutes long, some are 10 minutes long,

and they are stories and poems. And basically, all the thoughts I've ever had that I like enough to want to share with people. And the Rob Orton Podcast is available on Apple, Acast, Spotify, all the other places where you normally get your podcasts. And on social media, it is at Rob Orton Podcast. Thank you. Hello, it's me, Amy Gladhill.

You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato, and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil in case... Get him on, James and Ed.

But we're here, sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the new stories that we've missed out from the North, because, look, we're two Northerners, sure, but we've been living in London for a long time. The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes.

It's all kicking off, and that's a new podcast called Northern News we'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glittle's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it?

Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.