Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 63: Jen Brister

Episode Date: June 10, 2020

Wonderful stand-up comedian and author Jen Brister joins us in the dream restaurant for the penultimate episode of series 3. Topics include Itsu orders, small plates etiquette and corn flower woes.Follow Jen Brister on Twitter: @JenBristerBuy Jen’s book ‘The Other Mother’ from WaterstonesRecorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive Productions.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? How would you like your podcast cooked, sir? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast. Medium rare, please, Ed. Oh, hello, James. How are you? Very well. Thank you. How are you, mate? Very, very, very well. The hustle and the bustle, the restaurant. Here we are. Nice change from the quiet solitude of the lamp. If you've not visited the restaurant before, what James is referencing is we are broadcasting from the Dream Restaurant. James is a waiter who's also a genie who lives in a lamp. And we have

a special guest on every week. And what do we give them the option to choose, James? Their favourite ever. Start a main course dessert side and drink. And this week's special guest is Jen Brister. Wonderful comedian, Jen Brister. I've giggled with her countless amounts of times. One of the best. Started out. We did the comedy zone together in Edinburgh, which is like a showcase that you do quite early on in your careers. Very exciting. She's a lot of fun. She's very funny, indeed. And she's a great guest. But if she mentions the secret ingredient that we have decided on in her meal, no matter how good a comedian she is, she will be ejected rules

and rules from the restaurant. And today's secret ingredient is unpopped popcorn kernels. That's right. Unpopped popcorn kernels. It would be pretty bizarre if Jen did pick that as part of her meal. She picks anything with popcorn in it. We can follow it up and say, do you want any of the unpopped ones in? Do you like that? Well, I think what I'll do is I'll say, do you want a sir? Anything in particular you want to make sure there's not in there? Nice. And if she says no. She says no. Get the fuck out of the restaurant. Perfect. Hopefully she won't say that because really looking forward to having her in the restaurant. So without further ado, this is the off menu of Jen Brister.

Welcome to the dream restaurant, Jen Brister. Oh, I'm delighted to be in this. No one told me it would be so opulent. I know, right? Uh-oh. Welcome, Jen. Welcome to the restaurant. Good to see you. Good to see you, James. You look really well. Thank you very much. I've just been moisturiser inside the lamp. It's just full of moisturiser. I noticed you slipped out quicker than normal. Yeah. Oh, I slipped out real fast, didn't I? You've got a definite sheen. Yeah, yeah. Straight out. I was full of E45. That lamp is today. So yeah, here I am. You're definitely the sort of person who would be like, I'm moisturising today and you're using E45. You want to use a water-based, particularly if you've got eczema, you want to use a water-based

emollients. Actually, you want to use aqueous cream. Yes, yes. You don't want to get on the E45 train. I've got eczema there, which I have, but fair enough. All genies have got eczema. Listen, you can't be in that cramped, tight, not have some kind of skin condition. Some kind of psoriasis. Yeah, it's very flaky inside that lamp. That's why normally when I come out, people are like, wow, it's like all that glitter and stuff. It's dandruff. That's all my dandruff. Dry skin. That's my druff, baby. That's my druff. It's too late by the time you've gone back in the lamp and people are sweeping it up. They're like, this glit, oh my God. This is not glitter. I thought it was magical. So your first wish may I suggest a hoover. So yeah, yeah, covered in druff, but

here I am. Oh, well, I mean, it's a good look for you. And also worry that with the druff and also with the emollient, that's like... Oh, yeah, paste. That's not good. Oh, there's a paste going on. Skin paste. I mean, you know, but don't worry. I'm magic up the food. I don't touch it. You're fine. I'm so glad this isn't a visual medium. Yeah. I can wear a hair net if you like, for my whole body. A full body net, please. Yeah, like I've been caught by some SAS kind of thing. So before we even started, you were telling us about how to cook the perfect boiled egg. So you already, I'm expecting... You're a foodie. I'm expecting stuff from your hair. What is it? Can someone tell me, is a foodie someone who just likes food, or is the foodie

someone who is an obnoxiously obnoxious person that knows a lot about food? Because I'm definitely the former. I just like eating. I think that's what a foodie is. I think there's negative connotations to it that, you know, recently been brought about. But I think a foodie is just someone who really likes food and likes to talk about food. It's a lifestyle choice. You're a foodist. Yeah. You've got foodie speeches. I do. I'm always, I'm always at foodie speeches. They're pretty intense places. Lots of food just flying around. And everyone is fully closed. I want to make that in time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They've all got fully closed. There's a lot of food. Just a lot of food flying around. And I could happily, you know, when people say, oh, I just eat because it's fuel,

I can't be friends with those people. I'm like, what is, who are you? And what is your job? What is you? What is you? Is you a car? Is you a car that needs fuel? What is it? I don't understand it. Madness. I don't, yeah, I don't get that at all. Like, I want to go to, if I'm, if I'm going out to a restaurant, firstly, I don't want to share my food unless it's shared food. Please, if I'm, if I'm, if I've ordered a meal, like my girlfriend's very much of the mind that we never order the same meal. Even if we both want the same meal. No, that's, I do that. So, and it really pisses my girlfriend off because I'll, we'll be sitting there looking at the menu and then she'll order first because I'm a gentleman,

right? She'll say, I'd like this, I'd like the steak, the steak, please, for example. And I'll audibly go, oh, for fuck's sake. Okay, what's the matter? Well, I was going to have the steak. So we'll have the steak. I was like, no, we can't come to a restaurant and not, not fully experience the menu. Well, you're not going to fully experience the menu having two dishes anyway. No, but you're going to do it, you're going to do it double than if you just have the same dish. But what if like, what happens is then you order a meal that you don't want. And then you eat half of her meal and she's like, I never wanted that meal. You've ordered a meal that she doesn't want either. So order the meal that you want. Right. Right. Okay. I mean,

there is logic here somewhere. Am I right, James? Should I come to the genie for logic? Obviously, you're right. Only a madman would side with Ed on this, but I'm enjoying watching him have him justify himself. Even I don't side with me. Yes. I can't help the way I am. Yeah, yeah. I don't want her to order the same thing as me. And I know we should just eat what we want. But all, but I can't help it. I've changed my order. But now you're eating half of the food that she's like, I've really looking forward to this steak. And now you want half of her steak. What have you ordered? You've ordered the fish. No, I've just choked down the fish even though I don't like it. But so, but is your girlfriend ordering a different thing from you because she wants

to try some of yours or because she wants you to try some of hers? Because I think I probably sometimes if I've ordered something and whoever I'm with is like, Oh, I might get the same thing. I'll be like, Oh, no, no, you can have some of mine. I quite like being it makes me feel good to share some of my food. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Suddenly, I bought you both together. I'm not sharing. You are on your own. She wants me to have a separate dish to the one that she has ordered in order that she can have half. So what she'll say is, we'll eat. Well, you know, that do you that thing where we go, I think we've eaten about half and I'm like, I'm pretty sure I've eaten a third and you've eaten half. So now I'm getting half of yours and you're getting two

thirds of mine. The detail of this, it's all wrong. The maths is wrong. Order your meal, eat 100% of what you've ordered. And I will eat 100% of mine. And then the maths are completely correct. But where do you stand on things like on like little small plates? Or you've done it with you. You're Spanish, right? Oh, yeah, it's it's 24 hours tapas. Tapas, baby. We do that stuff eating tapas. Tapas in James episode. We're going to do it at some point. I know who's going to do it. I can handle tapas. In fact, we went in Aberystwyth. We went for tapas in Aberystwyth. We went for meze. Oh, with meze. Yes, it was meze. We had meze. I can handle meze if we're ordering so much stuff that it is inconceivable

that I could be hungry. But if I'm with someone that's like, should we just order a couple of things? I'm like, no, you're on your own, mate. I will order mine and you can have your two little tiny really piss shit dishes. I completely agree with you. If I'm going somewhere that does small plates, tapas restaurant, meze, anywhere like that, I will order until the waiter makes a face. You were great. You were great. The thing I really enjoyed with Ed was like, I think we're done. And Ed was like, should we just get a couple more? And I was like, this guy is amazing. He is a machine and I love it. I was like, yeah, let's get two more. Because you're right. Then you don't need to worry about sharing because you know the last plate, you're just going to be going,

I'm going to be sick if I eat one more mouthful. Yeah, at the end you were like, can I finish this? I'm like, dude, you have all of that. I'm done. This is great. What I do with my girlfriend, if we're getting like small plates of stuff is quite often it's sneaky. I'll be like, oh, you can have that last potato. You like those potatoes. You can have the last potato trying to make myself seem like a good guy because I know there's a dish coming that I want to eat most stuff. All of them. You have that last potato. So I actually eat 90% of this beef. Yeah, we all do that. Where do you stand on that? You know, there's like the last dish, whatever the tap is, whatever it is. And there's like one meatball left or something or one calamari left and no one

touches it. There's always one thing left because people are like, oh no, I couldn't possibly. But I then get sucked into that. I'm usually quite, as you know, direct. I'm not usually very passive aggressive. But in those instances, I'm like, what is the etiquette? If I go in and eat that, is that, am I a prick? What's going on here? Wow, it's really hard. But what I like to do is wait until they try and clear the plate. And then I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's no point leaving that. I'll have it. I'll have that. Up to all muggins here to polish it off. But you know what? If somebody does polish it off, there's a little bit of me that thinks, prick. Yeah, you hate that person. Yeah, I hate that person. Sure. So before me and my girlfriend

started going out, we went for like, we were just like doing like the dating thing. Yeah. Well, we weren't dating. We were dating. We were about saying we were dating. So we're going for meals together and stuff, like hanging out, but we both fancied each other. Right. So it was both clearly, but I hadn't said anything yet. So I'm sure that the person liked you and all that. We would go for some food. And often, I'll, she'd be like, oh, what you got there? Is that nice? And I'll be like, yeah, do you want to try some? Yeah. To try some of it. And then she'd go, do you want to try some of mine? And I was like, no, I'm all right. And it would really annoy her. So once we went for poke. And she was like, I'll try something. Yeah, she's like,

do you want some of mine? I said, no, I'm okay. And she went fucking twat. And that was around the moment we went, I think she does fancy me actually. It's ambiguous up until that point. You know when a woman calls you a fucking twat on a date that you live, that is, that is the definitive sign. Yeah. Cause I didn't want to eat her food. But she was annoyed because she was like, why are you not... It made her look... Why are you not engaging in this reciprocal act? Maybe. Or maybe also because it's like, oh, what? So like what you've got, your choice is so much better than mine. Is it like, I've chosen this shit thing. I'm having yours because it's so great. But actually,

I'm just being polite and trying your shitty version. And now you're refusing to have mine, which is actually better than yours. It's either that or it's an exchange. And you made her look like a worse person because she's like having some of yours and then eating hers. And then you're like, no, I'm fine with mine. No, no, it's okay. I'm just a good guy. You're my ideal date. Let's go out. Yeah. You offer yours and you don't want any of mine. I'm in. I'm on board. Let's do this. We always start with a still or sparkling water. Sparkling. Sparkling. You even personified the sparkling water. I know. I do. Like a drama student there. Sparkling. Three years at Middlesex University. Tending to be a tree or a camel. I can be a sparkling glass

of water if you want me to be. What about sparkling gives it the edge? Over still? I tell you what, this I think is fact, but I might make this up. I think sparkling water quenches your thirst quicker, but doesn't hydrate you as well as still water. So still water will hydrate you. So if you have a glass of still water, you won't feel thirsty again. But if you have a glass of sparkling water, you immediately feel quench like, oh, I am not thirsty anymore. But actually you're not as hydrated. And I think there's something about that little, I just like fizzy stuff, but I don't like fizzy. I don't want to drink coke or something. I don't know what it is. I like a little party. Yeah, it's like a little party in my mouth. Yeah.

Oh, as a gay woman, that's not right. No, stop that. Delete that. Are you going to be ostracized by the community? Yeah, they'll be like, what did she say? It sounds like a euphemism to me. There will be no parties in your mouth. That's sparkling ones. I don't know. Does it fit? I don't know. Anyway, it does. I'm a genie. I'm a genie. Fizzes every time. We've dropped. We've already established it's paste. It depends what you drink beforehand. If you have a can of lager and then immediately, yeah, definitely fizzes. I like the way you're looking at me like, and I'm like, that could be true. That's why I was enjoying saying it. Because you were looking at me like,

I can't tell if he's joking or not. He definitely looks like he's a drunker can of lager and then immediately masturbated. We could tell Jen anything. Jen, sometimes for a little prank, I'll shake it up beforehand. They'll never expect it. I am never touching a milkshake again. Again, a fag is a fag. Pop lobs of bread! Pop lobs of bread, Jen! Pop lobs of bread! Bread. Bread. Is that a straight to bread? Straight to bread? Any of your decisions are okay.

Okay, okay, great. I'm going to have bread because I bread, I love bread so much. And we live in a time where bread has now become evil. Demonised. It's like, if you say you like bread, people are like, oh, I don't, I stopped eating bread like in 2005. I'm like, I have never stopped eating bread. I suspect I have some sort of wheat intolerance. I'm sure I do, but I am never giving up bread. Take bread away from me and I will kill you. Cut you down. It's not going to happen. I like all kinds of bread. Not so much. I'm not so bothered about the sliced bread, but give me like, you know when you go

to a nice restaurant, they have like these big hunks of bread and they look like they've just cut it off a loaf and it's like, and then they give you like butter and you like, you're legitimately allowed to put as much butter as you want on that. I'm like that. I want that every day. Feels luxurious, doesn't it? But butter and bread is super luxurious though. That's a good point because actually, I don't think I like sliced bread either to have any format to use that. I'm off the sliced bread train.

So how do you feel? Are you only on the occasional hunk of bread train? Bread feels like a special occasion for me now. Oh, God, you're one of those. All right. What about you, James? I love bread. Yeah. And you both eat bread every day. Yeah, bread every day.

Not every day. Yeah, every day. I don't, yeah, every day, yeah. And what kind of bread you had in the houses on that? Yeah, I was like, do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What kind of bread have you had every day? I'm having, I don't know, like granary bread or wholemeal bread or occasionally I'll go out and get something grim like tiger bread, which is like just the most evil, sick, full of, I don't even know what's in it. Why is it that color, bread?

Tigers. Then you're a mum. So are you like, it's bread more around the house because you're making sandwiches for the kids or stuff like that, and then you're eating a bit of bread afterwards? Because I don't think I have bread just around the house. Because if I have a loaf of bread, that's going moldy after a while. Freezer, put it in the freezer, James. You've got a family, you'll make it, I'll put it in the freezer. Yeah, maybe, maybe, because I've got kids, so then we do make

sandwiches occasionally. They don't really like bread, actually. They're not that fussed about it. Are they fussy eaters? Um, they're, well, they're like, they're four, so is there a four-year-old that isn't a fussy eater? I mean, everything's near really, isn't it? Yeah, and flavors are really like strong for them. So I think something changes with your palate, doesn't it, as you get older, like in terms of you, when you're younger, you prefer sweet things and obviously as you get older, you prefer more savory things. So like really strong flavors for them, like if you give them an olive, they will eat it, but every now and again,

they'll be like, what, this is what evil tastes like. You know, they can't, it's too much. So I would say for four-year-olds, they've got, you know, God, such middle-class punch of pricks, so they've got a pretty good diet and it's pretty varied. But yeah, there'll be days when, well, just go, I'm not going to eat spaghetti bolognese, and it'll just be like, I'm just not eating it, and you're like, but you ate it, you always, you've always eaten it, you like it. Like, no, no, not today. Couldn't be something else, woman, you know. Oh my God. Um, but yeah, feeding them is, I think feeding your children is the hardest challenge, because that's the one thing that you can do to prove to yourself that you're

being a good parent is to feed them, to keep them alive. And if you can't do that, that is, that is really stressful. Yes. Vile, vile, stressful. But on the whole, they're pretty good. We're okay. And breads are great, are great. So you just, you just chuck them a slice of bread, and you know, they're going to, that'll get through the day, right? They actually prefer oat crackers. You know, there's oat biscuits, there's nans, oat biscuits. Oh my God, this is too far. What the hell? I know. Are your children little peasants from the 17th century? They're a wee little Scottish peasants. I'm going to question you, Jen. What is you?

Look, can I just say it's not me, it's them. And also, they're way more nutrients in an oat biscuit than there is in a slice of bread. Yeah, they made the right decision. Actually, they're thinking outside the box. Anyway, it's fine. So, but you're having bread and not oat biscuits for yours? Oh, I don't want an oat biscuit, grim. No, I'm definitely just, I'm sharing down on the board. I mean, is that your main thing really, as a parent, is that you're feeding them food that you don't want so that you don't feel bad about the sharing thing? Often, I'll feed them stuff and I'm like, I would never eat this.

Because quite often parents say that they just end up eating whatever's left over of their kid's meal. Yeah, there is a danger if, and I do this because sometimes I will have fed them and then I'll go to a gig. So then I know I won't eat for the rest of the evening. So then, on days like that, I'll be like, well, then I'll just eat whatever you haven't eaten. I'll eat it and then that'll kind of be my dinner. But there are days when you eat their dinner and you eat your dinner. And I think that happens a lot. So like, you're basically contributing to your own five a day, but they're still starving. Yeah, that happens to every parent. And if you two ever get involved with parenting, you might look at Ed's face. Why would I do that?

No, I'll do that. Yeah. Yeah, especially if I get double dinner. I can't wait to answer that. It's going to be so funny when Ed's a dad. He's going to change a lot. I don't know in what direction you're going to become your own dad and I can't wait. Oh yeah, I'm already my own dad. We all become our parents, but I can't wait for you to become... Don't say that. If I turn into my mother, God almighty. Please don't let that happen. But of course it's going to happen because your act, you've got such an immediate connection to your mother, you can slip into your mother's voice so quickly and just immediately... That's how close it is. It's going to happen, Jen. Oh my God, please. If I start wandering around the Spanish

accent being really aggressive to strangers, then you know it's because of the colorful circle and I am my mother. Only if they have to share your food. Yeah, that's true. What sort of bread? Okay, so you know what we were just talking about? So one of those big hunky loafs and then I just want someone to just randomly hack a piece off. Preferably, I do love a granary. So something with seeds in it, maybe like a mixed seed one and if it can be just like it's just come out of the oven. So it's still a little bit warm and then loads of not unsalted butter, that can go fuck itself with salt on it and then I want to smother that and then... Yeah, that can't go wrong. So we come to the big leagues now, to the starter. Is this from a specific place or?

This is, well, it is sort of from a specific place. Many years ago, because my brother lives in South Africa, I was in Cape Town and he took me to a restaurant where they did all these different types of oysters and I absolutely love oysters, native oysters are my favorite, but I love rock oysters as well and they had these oysters called champagne oysters and they were a little bit pink and they were so like obnoxiously expensive. So I think and I was really super poor at the time and my brother went, I'm going to treat you. Are we going to get a dozen of these? I have six each and it was literally the most magical time because I can't explain what these oysters taste like, because obviously they're oysters but they didn't taste like... Do you guys

do oysters? Oh, I love oysters, 100%. Okay, so I absolutely, that's like one of my favorite things in the world. So they didn't taste like rock oysters, which couldn't be very salty and then quite creamy. They had like a little slightly sweeter taste to it, but there was this really intense creaminess, like that it kind of like exploded in your mouth and like every single one and we had it with a really very, very cold, very, very dry glass of rosé and it was, the sun was setting and it was literally the most, I mean it was romantic, but it was my brother and it was just amazing. So I would love those specific oysters. I'll let you have the rosé with them as well. Can I have the rosé? I think that's part of the dish.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that sounds like part of the dish. Rose is a big thing for me now. That's another thing. I've just got into rosé and boiled eggs, that's what I've got into this year. Together? Why not? That would work for me. That could work, actually. That sounds incredible and champagne sounds so posh. And I don't think you can get, I think they are native to that coastline. I don't think you can get them over here in Europe, I think you can only get them in Africa and if, yeah, they were great. But I love, saying that, I love native oysters in this country as well and I think if you go, can go to the, you know, Witts will have that oyster festival. Yeah. Oh man. I don't know about this. Yeah, so go there, like, and then they just have guys

shucking oysters and you know how oysters are like, I don't know, maybe like a quid or two quid for an oyster. You can go there, they're like 40p and then they'll shuck, you know, get like a dozen oysters, like, oh, there's a few quid and he's like, oh, this is amazing. So hold on. We should, we should go, we should go and do an episode from the Wittsville Oyster Festival. Yeah, we should. Yeah, you should, honestly. And they have all the natives from the wharf. They have all of the native oysters, all of the, yeah, from the wharf, all of the different rock oysters crack on because they come up from like along that coastline and as well, sort of, they get them from Suffolk and Norfolk and Essex and. Do they have like any oyster themed bands playing or anything? Yes.

Obviously. And that's the only joke to be made there. You pay for them with oyster cuts? No, listen. Every year Blue Oyster Cult are playing, that's it. That's it. So hold on, because I, you two wouldn't know about the wharf. I don't. I've only, I've briefly heard about the wharf. I want to get some more, like a more of an image of the wharf. How many oyster shucking guys are there there? There's like, so there's like, there's an area in Wittsville where I think all the time, maybe on a Saturday, where there's like little seafood stores and there's places that do oysters anyway. So like, there's like, quadruple of those, there's loads who go down to the wharf. And then, and then, and lots of people

sort of, they've come with all the, the different oysters that they've got that are native to that coastline. So they'll be coming from Scotland, they'll be coming from that, you know, from, like I said, Suffolk and Essex. And I don't know if they do oysters down in the southwest, but probably around there. And then everyone just, you just go and like, So you do a little tour of the country in one place. Yeah, man. And it's great. And also, I think, I don't know, because I didn't go to any restaurants, but I think the restaurants will then have deals on these, you can have like, all lots of oyster themed menus and all that sort of thing. So I mean, I might have made that up

actually, but I imagine that's kind of the thing. Oysters are supposed to be enough for does yet, right? Does that mean it's also like a swingers fest? Oh, man, everyone just puts the keys into like the wash. A big shell. Into an oyster shell. And then it's like, yeah, help us out, guys. Such a horny festival. Where did that come from? Are they, I don't think I've ever had an oyster and gone, the rowl. No, luckily, because that meal, when you were sat with your brother,

the, uh, yeah, no, I don't know where that comes from. But it is a thing. It's a thing that people go on about, but like, I definitely, probably, you know, oyster, I don't, I don't know. The last thing I want to do is put my mouth next to somebody else's. Yeah, or just, I don't think I even would want to have a wanker for an oyster. Is that like, Where is that? You wouldn't want to shake one out?

Am I crazy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wouldn't want to shake it up. Especially if you've got six after the first one, if you're going, I'm just going to get to the toilet. James is just bringing one out. Okay, so we come to your main course. Now, I promise in start already, I love the description of the oysters. Champagne oysters. The main course, I really love street food.

So I, I mean, I was thinking about this and some of the best meals I've had, and I have been to a couple of Michelin star restaurants, but the best meals I've ever had have been in Southeast Asia, like sort of Singapore, Malaysia, Singapore and Malaysia have more so than Thailand. I think they have these food markets and they're like mid, they'd like sort of happen at night. So it's a bit cooler. And the food there is just incredible.

And I would love in Malaysia, I had a seafood, it's kind of like a Malay curry, like a laxary kind of thing, but not, but drier than that. And then they had crab and mussels and, I don't know, not oysters, but like prawns. And, but in this, this kind of gloopy kind of Malay curry. And it was just, and then with some like steamed rice, and then sit outside in the heat and then just chow that down. So it's very seafood-y already.

Is that what you lean towards more? That is totally what I always order. I don't really order meat much. I want to, I would love to think that I could do the veggie stuff, vegetarian, vegan thing. I just, if like, if there's a seafood option, I'm there. Even like, I even like prawns, which I know, like people are like, they're kind of creepy, which they are. And even though I know they're kind of creepy, I'm like, delicious, delicious, creepy.

I definitely got more like that. Like in recent years, like I will look at, I've leaned more towards the seafood options. Like my sister's coming to visit and she listens to the podcast and she wants just, she goes to have a whole day and we just go to all those different places that I've heard on the podcast and go get some food. So I've been planning out like, here's the best dishes in London that I want to take a do it. And a lot of my favorite dishes I've realized in London are all kind of seafood based. So I didn't really realize that until right in that list and going, that's what I'm kind of... There's something really decadent, well, not decadence,

wrong word of it. Something feels really luxurious about eating seafood. Like it feels... Certainly shellfish. Like shellfish still feels like, I can't afford this. Oh, I can. And it feels, you know, I mean, and essentially, like, unless you're eating a lobster, shellfish is actually not necessarily... I mean, they always had a quid on for a prawn for some reason, which I find really weird. You want to prawn those just an extra pound, lady. Especially as you're like putting in a quid's worth of work to get to it. So much to do. There's so much admin with a prawn.

But I don't... Saying that, I don't really like those... You know, there's really big kind of like a king size that's practically a lobster prawn. Big boys, yeah. Lankestines, no? Yeah, I'm not massively... Lankestines are... What are they? They're different. Lankestines are... They're smaller, right? Are they smaller? I thought Lankestines were... They're just completely different from a prawn. They've got like that tail with like a lobster tail. They've got little claws as well, right? And they've got little claws.

But there's not that much meat on the Lankestine, but... That's the poshest argument that's ever happened in my family once I was on holiday with my dad and my stepmom. Me and my stepmom went to the supermarket and dad went, I want to cook some prawns tonight. So go and get some prawns from the supermarket. Absolutely fine. You'll do the cooking. We'll go and do the shopping. Came back with a big bag of prawns. He emptied them out onto the work surface and went, These are Lankestines. He's so angry. He's the angriest man you've ever seen in your life. And he cooked them and he went,

Good luck getting any meat off those Lankestines. And we're just pissing ourselves laughing, no? This is going to get passed around the family for the rest of our lives. Every time a Lankestine comes up, we go, Remember you got annoyed about Lankestine, you poshed it. He was right. Is there much meat in a Lankestine? What can I tell you? You better, a bit like crayfish. There's no point to them. I mean, any crayfish? They're like the tiniest, weeniest bit of like nothing. Don't, don't, don't...

You have to have loads of them, right? Oh my God. They're like, You need like 28 of them to be even vaguely. Exactly, 28. Yeah, exactly. I find 29 is too much for me. Yeah, 29 is way too much for me. 28 is perfect. Are you living in Brighton, right? So is there like anywhere like in Brighton's best seafood that like locally caught stuff or whatever that you'd recommend? There's lots of restaurants that do, that will do sort of locally caught fish and they'll do like on their specials board and they'll do like

fish of the day. So you can definitely get that quite a few restaurants, particularly on the seafront. Riddle and fins is probably, I mean, because like, I know I live in Brighton and I should know all about this, but because I've got two young children, I'd never go anywhere. Of course. So I have barely been out in Brighton in terms of eating, but I did, my girlfriend and I did go to Riddle and Fins in, there's two, there's one on the seafront and there's one in the lanes and the one in the lanes, it's better. And we went there and had just a ridiculous amount. Like I did that thing where I'm like, let's just order everything, I don't care, you know, like, we just like...

Especially if there's a special night out, right? It was like, literally, when are we going to do this again? And I'm very much of the mind, like when it comes to food, like, I don't spend my money on much, I don't really like stuff, I don't really spend a lot of money on clothes, as you're going to say. But when it comes to food, I probably am a little excessive. I'm the person that we're going to eat soon and spend 20 pounds. Sure. I'm the same, but I also spend a lot of money on clothes. So I'm just a disaster. Yeah, but maybe your career is going better than mine. No, God, no, it's good. No, absolutely not. I just go, oh, get that and then regret it massively later.

I never regret buying too much food, but I always have, even if I need the top or I want those trousers or those trainers or necessary, whatever, I have buyers regret, like, oh, maybe I shouldn't have bought that. Literally, never with food. I can go in and like, oh, I'm just going to buy. If I go into a sushi place, I'm not even looking at the price. I'm like, I want that, I'm going to have it. That looks like it's enough for four people. Brest is eating that. For the listener, by the way, Brest is wearing a Hessian sack. And sandals, though, I do. I've really got the whole outfit down. You said you would spend 20 quid in its suit. I literally would.

Are you an itsou fan? Yeah. I went there this morning. Oh, okay. What did you, what this morning? Okay. What did you have? I had the spicy tuna dragon roll. Oh, sweet. Which I like a lot. And I also had just the small kind of like little sushi mix where it's got the kind of standard, what's one when it's just like the fish on top of the rice? Nigiri. And the little square ones. So I've had that little like six pack great with the dragon roll. So that's what I went for this morning and some kombucha.

This is, I love this. People are like, if you go to Asia, people don't eat cereal and toast and bread. No, no, no, no. You just have what you would have at lunch, but you have a breakfast. I'm like, I love that. Let's do more of that. What's great as well is I went to Japan and they had like a buffet breakfast at one of the hotels we stayed in. And they try and appeal to Westerners. They try and have something in there for Westerners, but they got no idea what breakfast is. So they'll have like an American bit where they might have like some bacon and some sausage or whatever. They got a Japanese bit, which is like amazing food, like fish and rice for breakfast, basically. And then another bit was like spaghetti bolognese,

creamed chicken. Like, because they're like, what are these fucking white people eat? Spaghetti bolognese? James came to refuse and to eat it. I like spaghetti bolognese. You know what? But they'd eat it for breakfast. That's guaranteed. You know, breakfast, thank you, love it. This is delicious. But they don't really know. I don't think they think of us as having a cuisine. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? They're like, what do you like? You like potatoes? Yeah. Okay. I think you people like potatoes. They don't really think. And ultimately, comparatively to them, we kind of don't really. No. It's been bastardized so much that what is it, particularly as British people, what is our

what is our cuisine? It's very good. Got roast beef, roasted as fries. It's sort of now in like the sort of modern British cooking is like just really good produce prepared nicely. I think it's all about the quality of the produce rather than anything else. But that's only if you go high end, if you go into a really nice restaurant and then, you know, you're going to get great British food like for the average person that's cooking for themselves. Yeah, there's no like it's all it's all so like mixed in with European cooking and especially French cooking, I think. When I go to Spain, like when I go and see my family, they they just like cook what they cook. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? They cook Spanish food. Yeah.

And if you say to them, oh, have you thought about cooking like a spaghetti bolognese? They'd be like, why? Because it's kind of nice. And they're like, no, we've got we're going to eat this because this is like when I when they came over and I took them to a time meal, they were like, but this what why would we we're not in Thailand? What is this? Do you not have any Spanish restaurants? And I was like, yeah, I guess we could go. Okay, we'll go there. I suppose if you ask like if you ask an Italian person or a Spanish person, what's your favorite food, they might zone in on a certain dish from Spain or Italy. Yeah. If you ask a British person, their favorite food, they go Italian. It's all Italian food is my favorite food. Yeah. Well, if you ask me, I'd say like,

like Southeast Asian food. Yeah. That is totally my if you I could do that every day. There's no way I would ever feel like, oh, no, not this again. I'd be like, yeah, great. Every time. Every time. I still want to know what your itzy order is like. Okay. Okay. Okay, let's do the itzy order. James is a very good interviewer in some he asked very good questions, but he's a bad interviewer in that if it goes off track from a question he's asked, he will completely zone out from whatever's being said. So that we had a bit, we had a bit of fun there, didn't we about food nationality and food identity and not much not much coming from James there. He would have had something good to add to that, I think, because he completely shut down, waited for there to be a gap. What's

your itzy order? That was the question. Actually, there was one story I could have added to the food identity. So once me and my family, when I was about 14, we went, you know, it's too late to add this now. Yeah. We had this meal and we went for a holiday in the Alps. It was a very special holiday. And someone let us stay in their cabin for free. So we went there and we went for a little meal in a tiny little restaurant. And it was run by this couple and their dog Snoopy was running around. And there was us. And there was a family from Germany and another Italian family. That was only people in this tiny little restaurant. And the couple just kept on cooking whatever they wanted and bringing it out for everyone. And no one got to choose. It was so

delicious. And then at the end, each table sang a song from their home country. And then it got to it got to my family. And bear in mind at this point, like, it's the most magical holiday I've been on ever. We're in the Alps. I've never seen anything like this before. This was the most amazing magical meal that this couple, the lady had sat down with us at one point and told us a story about when she was asked, like, they wanted her to make Princess Diana a hat. And they drove her to Bucketham Palace. And this whole amazing story that she told us about this is such a wonderful night. And they got to us. And I think I can't remember. I can't even remember what the English song that we sang was. La Macarena or something. Yeah, it might be London Bridge is

falling down or something like that. Because they chose it. We didn't choose it. And they were like, sing this song. We sang it. And then at the end, when everyone clapped, I stood up on my chair and took a bow. And my dad went, sit down. This is a massive, massive memory. I feel like, I feel so great. Like, sit down. You're embarrassing us. You're being silly now. Pulling the attention. I love that it wasn't the point where you were singing London Bridge is falling down. So what happened was, during that thing, I know I did zone out a bit, but it was because I thought of that story. I thought, shall I tell it? And I thought, oh, my parents listen to every podcast that I do. And will they hear this? And then my dad will be like, oh, I don't think I would.

That was fine. And so, like, maybe I shouldn't tell it. And I was like, oh, I've completely zoned out. I don't know what they're talking about. What was the last thing you said? Thank you. And thank you for your contribution to that, James. Now, you've earned, you've earned now, hearing Jen's it to all. Thank you, Jen. Oh, guys. I think it's the best chain sushi place. It's my favorite chain sushi. It is. What's the worst? I don't like Yo Sushi. No, but what's worse than Yo Sushi? Worse than Yo Sushi? Are you going to say wasabi?

I think so. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not a huge wasabi fan. I wouldn't go. I wouldn't visit wasabi really. I like it too. If you want to be put off sushi, then definitely go there, because that just tastes like something that they made a long time ago. Yeah, yeah. Yubi is my... Have you had Yubi? No. They do a lot of... That sounds like how Jen would start a sentence. ...hand roll type things. Yubi, cool. Yubi, why? It is why. Yubi, cool. What is you? What is you? Yubi, cool.

What is Yubi? That's very nice. Anyway, I think there's a... They do a tamaki hand roll with a Scottish salmon and Asian pear, which is... Oh, that sounds amazing. ...fantastic. It's one of my favorite snacks. Where are these places? There's one in the center of town, but I think you can also... It's on one of those delivery app services. There's also a very nice vegan sushi place in Brighton...

I'm out. ...called Happy Mackey. It's genuinely delicious. I am out. So, Jen, you're in it. So, we're paying. Okay, right. So, first of all, they do these juicy things, don't they? So, they have one where it's like a really healthy green looking one and then a fruity one. And then they have one that looks like that looks less healthy than the other two. And it's got kind of, I don't know, nuts and a vegan yoghurt-y thing.

And anyway, I have that, right? So, that... And then they mush it all up. And it's got these weird bits of almost like toffee-biscuity bit, which really negates any health that's in there, 100% into that. Then I'll buy those... So, you look really angry when you were describing that. Oh, I'm just... But sometimes when I like food so much, I get like... I get an angry face.

If I had a dick, I'd stick it inside. Get your fizzy dick right in there. Get your fizzy dick in there. Have you had a dick you call it the soda stream, right? Naturally, yeah. Anyway, that soda stream is not going near my... Whatever it is, smoothie. And then I would get those weird seafood... You know, they're not seafood, seaweed.

They do those seaweed strips. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nori. I get two packets of those. Oh, wow. Two packets of those. Then I go and get... Do you get the wasabi ones or the salted ones? No, I get the sweet chili ones.

Oh! They do sweet chili ones. Interesting. They are the ones to get. Then I go get whatever the biggest packet of... I don't know. You know, so it's usually... It's like a mixture of... It's got tuna, it's got salmon, it's got prawn, it's got macchi, it's got nigiri, it's got the other one that's bigger,

that's got some weird crab thing in the middle. You get that. And then I get edamame. And then I think I'm pretty much... Yeah. And then I'm like, yeah, this is... Yeah, that's a full banquet. Pick up any chocolate rice cakes to polish the meal off. Oh, yeah, I do.

Then I pick dark chocolate rice cakes. Yes, it's got to be the dark ones. Okay, the dark chocolate rice cakes. 100%. I can't believe I left those out. And then I purchase my incredible itsu banquet. And then I just literally eat it alone and feel no shame and thoroughly enjoy it. And I lost my debit card because I lost my wallet.

And so we got a joint account, my girlfriend and I. And so she was like, well, take the joint account card. Because I'm like, I don't want a joint account card, but she was like, well, you take it because you haven't got a card. And then I did one of my itsu... And she went, says here that you spent 20 quid in itsu. And normally I never have to justify any of my purchases

because I am 44 years of age and I've grown up and I'm allowed to buy whatever I want. But because it was out of the joint account, I was like, yeah. And then she went, did you spend 20 pounds in itsu for lunch? And then I found myself having to go, no, there was for lunch and dinner. So you took a snack as well.

Yeah, I was like, I got lunch, but then I also got something that I could have for dinner later. It was like a complete lie. That was like one meal. And I was very proud of that purchase. Yeah, you didn't run it through the... Well, I had it two sheets of the seaweed. Two packs of seaweed, obviously.

And I nearly forgot about the rice cakes, but then Ed reminded me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So your side dish now, to go with your laxary seafood-y... For a side dish, I don't know. I was thinking about this and I'd probably do something like, oh, God, I don't know. I really...

I tell you what I really like, if I was going to veer away from the whole seafood thing, is, you know, when you get that deep... You get tofu and you can... They sort of just deep fry it. And then they... I don't know what they do with it. So they've got some salt on it and chili,

and then they put like... They chop up spring onions, and then they sprinkle it all on top of that. So it's crunchy on the outside, but it's soft in the middle, and you're like, oh, this is so good. I love deep-fried tofu. That is amazing.

I love deep-fried tofu, and that is pretty much the only way I like tofu, unless it's smoked. Yeah, I agree with you. That's the only way I really like it, but it is a game changer. It's completely like... Anyone who says that slag-soft vegetarian food

or say they don't like tofu and stuff, they will change their mind when they have that. That stuff is incredible. It's amazing. It's now my, like, if I'm ordering a Chinese, I'll always get, like, a deep-fried tofu dish. Always. I do now, as well. It's just incredible.

And have you tried making it? Not the deep-fried tofu, no. Okay, so the thing is... I do mean tofu scramble. What do you put in the tofu scramble to make it taste of something? Explain what it is for listeners. So it's like...

It's an egg. Yeah, it's instead of eggs, but it's not really exactly like scrambled eggs, but I would do... You do, like, use that nutritional yeast and some water and then some turmeric, some paprika, some powdered garlic, and then a lot of salt and pepper.

That sounds great. And you mix up, basically, like a seasoning, a seasoning sort of liquid, and then you fry off the tofu for a bit and then pour it in and, yeah. Yeah, that sounds great. With peppers and spinach and stuff. I completely misunderstood what nutritional yeast was

when I made my scrambled tofu and basically just put marmite in it. And it was disgusting. You got to experiment with these things. It was foul. Sorry, back to the deep-fried tofu. So you buy the firm tofu and then you have to, with the flour,

you use corn flour, and then you have to really flavor that corn flour. So whatever you want to do, you put salt and pepper in it, whatever, garlic powder. Yeah. This is a good one to put paprika also. You can use...

But you have to put quite a lot to make it taste of anything. And then you... You know, when you open up tofu, it's wet because it's in water. And then you have to put it. It's like... So you dry it off,

but I really struggle with making it, even though it's delicious. It's because you put it in corn flour, not like plain flour. Yeah. And I just can't... The consistency of just touching corn flour makes me feel...

Yeah. Ah! I'm right with you. What is that? Absolutely. And I was trying to explain this to Chloe. My partner was like... I was like, can you do the tofu? Because I cannot even put my fingers in corn flour.

Yeah. Why? Oh, what are you talking about, Ed? It's like chalk... Now, is that a chalkboard? It's like nails on a table. It's squeaky because it's so fine. Oh, it's so hard.

I see what you mean, yeah. I totally see what you mean. It's like chiming polystyrene or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a horrible... It's the most horrible sensation, and yet... I guess I'm just not putting my fingers in corn flour that often.

But if you've even done it once, you'll never forget it. It's just that feel... I know exactly what you mean. It's almost hard to describe the feeling, isn't it? Because it's like... It's kind of like squeaky, and it's...

I don't know what it is. It's just feeling it. My fingers make me feel... It feels like you're touching an anxiety attack. That's what it feels like. I'm there with you. It feels like it's the physical embodiment... Your digit deep in anxiety.

It's not good. Someone's taken an anxiety attack, made it a physical thing, and you're touching it. Popped it on your tofu. Yeah. To eat divine, to cook, forget it. Forget it.

Otolengi does a really good one in his... I know he's got like... I mean, it's unfortunate because it's like 78,000 ingredients to him. Obviously, because it's otolengi. But if you have his book, I think it's from... I think it's from Plenty,

like one of his earlier books. There is an Asian... He always does like a little Asian section in his books, and there is an amazing tofu dish in there, which is like three different types of soy sauce, and I don't know, like spring onions and chili and all that. That is really easy to cook if you can handle the cornflour.

And... Oh, delicious. Oh, so good. Do it. That's my side dish. That's a great shot for a side dish. And also, quite often, side dishes, people think they have to be like awesome steamed greens

or like a vegetable on the side. No, you've got basically... That's why I like starters, because it's a way of getting a little main in before the main arrives. I love starters. I don't care about food. That's Tickle Bonito.

Well, he's laughing because you say it every time. That's why he's laughing. That was a genuine... That was a genuinely made him laugh. Shall we have your anecdote about Diet Coke again? Guys, do you want to take this outside? Okay. If you don't have...

If you don't have... I gave it Coke in... I gave it all caffeine in 2013. Thanks for your episode. I stopped drinking caffeine in 2013. Well, you didn't want coffee, nothing? Nothing. Why?

I just gave it up. This was... Just wasn't enjoying it. Okay. Staying in my teeth up. Just trying to stop it. 2017, I started drinking Diet Coke because I hadn't had any form of Coke in that time.

Yeah. It tasted like normal Coke. So now I have Diet Coke. Come to your drink now. Okay. I don't think it's going to be Diet Coke, is it? It's definitely not going to be... It's definitely not going to be Diet Coke.

It's going to be... I just going to be a bottle of wine. And I guess because it's seafood... And I don't normally... Like, I don't think you have to have like white wine with... I think if you want to drink red wine, drink red wine. I don't really subscribe to that. But I think I would have a very dry

Marlborough. Mm-hmm. Very cold. Yeah, that's what I'd have. Maybe like a New Zealand Marlborough. Anyway, I'd have a very cold dry bottle of white wine. Are you always white wine over the red wine? No, always red wine.

I love red wine. I'm indifferent to white wine in many ways. But I'm kind of when I'm eating this meal, I don't know why. I'm somewhere hot. It feels fresh and... Yeah. And I think because I've got all these lovely flavors, I don't...

I think red wine would probably color it a little bit. But if I was going to choose, I normally... I'm much more excited about drinking a bottle of red than a bottle of white. I'm fully in agreement with you. How are you? I've never really... I think it's the classic thing.

I've had too much bad white wine. And I need to try and get back into it. But like I say, I'm on the rose trade now. Maybe it's time to... Is it a rose trade? I actually didn't know he was on the rose trade. I'm on the rose trade. There is some really good rose out there now.

There's some great rose. Yeah. Whispering angel. Don't mind if I do. Whispering angel. Yeah. There's one with a chicken on the front. Is there?

I've not had the chicken one. It's a French one. I'm not like whispering. It's really light. It's like virtually not any ever so slightly pink. No, because normally rose, it was like, oh my God, this looks like ties. So pink, yeah.

Yeah, why is it this color? No, it's just a blush. You're looking for blush. She just want to blush. Join in, James. I'm going to shout in genie. That's what I was going to say. As opposed to a whispering angel, yeah.

Okay. I'm not like a whispering angel, so I'm going to shout in genie. You don't need, you don't even need, maybe that's all we could do. We could create our own brand. Yeah. A kind of one. Shouting genie.

Shouting genie. Shout in genie. And it comes out the bottle as well. So that's quite perfect, actually. I think it would need some fizz. Yeah, there would need to be a bit of fizz in there. Fizzy, no one's done a fizzy red, a bubbly red, have they? Bubbly red.

Actually, you can get a bubbly red, can you? Yeah, I think in Spain, they do like a fizz. I have the craziest drink in Spain, right? I don't know, I've probably spoken about this on the podcast before. When I went on a Spanish exchange, they were all drinking, I think it's called Cali Mocho. Oh, God, that's gross.

Where it's cheap red wine and coke. Well, you've never said this before. Mixed together. I haven't heard this. And they were getting absolutely shit-faced on this. Yeah, my cousins drink that. And it's not even cheap red wine. They'll buy a fairly decent bottle of white red wine

and then ruin it by putting... What I find amazing is that in Spain, you can go to any supermarket, like Lidl, and you can buy a really nice bottle of wine and be like, okay, so that's two euros. And think, oh, God, this is probably going to taste like absolute poison. And then you drink it, you're like, this is really nice.

So they'll be buying wines like four, five, six euros. So something presumably is a bit better, reasonably good. And then just putting fucking Coca-Cola in it. Yeah, it's mad. It's like an Alco Pop, right? It's like the kids are drinking it. Yeah, but no, but the adults are drinking it. It's just bizarre.

I don't get it. I used to drink Cali Mocho all the time, and then I gave it up. And then five years later, I started drinking Diet Cali Mocho. And it just tastes like normal Cali Mocho, no? I am gutted, because that means we have to put in that fucking anecdote again.

Yeah, I know what you mean. I just saw Bonito really sadly cross out. That he was going to end it out the first time I said it. And now he's got to keep it in. Bad luck, Bonito. I will always win. So we've got a lovely cold bottle of white wine. Yeah, this time.

A Marlborough. Perhaps. Perhaps a Marlborough. Yeah. Sounds very nice. Or a very nice white Rioja. Oh, OK. Yeah.

Well, I mean, I might have to force you to choose between the two. OK. I have to choose. What is drawing you towards the Rioja? Because the Marlborough's can be a little bit heavy. So maybe the Rioja might be a bit crisper. Nice. So, yeah.

Let's go for the Rioja. Can I do that, Jeannie? Yeah, yeah, you can do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely do it. Are you also, we've talked a lot on this podcast, sometimes when people bring up wine. If you're the person who would try the wine and do all that,

and if you know what you're doing, you're talking in a way that makes me think you would know what you were doing. Well, I know if I like it. Yeah. And also, a lot of the time when they're asking you to try wine, it's kind of like, if you ask me if I like this wine, or you're asking me if this wine has been corked,

because that was always the point of trying the wine, was like, they'd open it and then be like, just to make sure this hasn't gone off. That's why you were trying it. But now I feel like they're asking me to try something and they've just taken the screw off the bottom. I'm like, dude, I'm going to drink this whatever it tastes like, but we can go through this, Gerard.

Okay, it's lovely. Do I know about, I don't know anything about wine, I just know about the one I like. And when, every time I've been to Australia, I've always gone on tours around vineyards, because I love getting shit-faced. And I find that if you go to those places, if you're not, if you kind of embrace it,

and you listen to them talking to you about the wine, then you can kind of pick up a little bit of, bit of the Palae. The wine, yeah. Yeah, a bit of the lingo. And you can kind of get an idea about if the grape is light, or if it's quite a heavy grape, or if it's oaky. So I kind of know that, but that's about the limits.

But I'm not really into like finding out the minutiae or the chemical fucking balance of what wine is. But I kind of know the grapes that I like and the grapes I don't. I'm not very keen on like things like Chardonnay on the whole, because they're just a little bit too heavy. I'd go as Calvin, I'd go, Sauvignon Blanc would be as heavy as I go. Right.

Is that? That's good. I think that's a really good level of knowledge. That's great. Not really. I mean, that's, that's more than most people I know. Yeah. Okay.

So we arrive at your desserts. Are you much of a dessert? You are, aren't you? I love them. You love a pudding. I would say this is a... I, do you know what? There are days where I'm like, I'm totally down for this,

but mostly not bothered. I don't, like, if we go out, if I go out for dinner, I never have a dessert. I will have a dessert wine. Yes. Or I will have the cheese board. More bread. Okay, we are in...

Yes! We know, well, what are you about to say? What kind of territory are we in here? What's your actual, oh my God. This is... Oh no, this feels tense. I don't know if this is coming across in the podcast. What's your choice?

What's your actual dessert that you're choosing now? Well, I guess it'd be a cheese board. Yes! No! No! Fuck you, Jed! Fuck! Yes!

Fuck you! I'm sensing... I don't know where I'm getting this from, but I'm sensing some kind of competition here, and I'm sensing, James, that you may have lost. Oh, I've lost everything. James can't bear the idea of anyone not having a sweet thing for dessert and having a cheese board instead.

Oh, really? And that's what I'd do on a regular basis. So, you wouldn't have putting either? We went out for lunch, Tom Carridge is a restaurant, and I picked the cheese board, and James was genuinely angry with me. What did you pick? I sat here with you, I asked you about your Itzu wine.

I had fun with you about fizzy wines. I had a real laugh with you. This is a really tricky one. I opened up about my psoriasis. Are you sit there? Are you choose a goddamn cheese board for dessert? Jeannie, be quiet. I want to talk to Jen about what cheese is she likes.

What's on the cheese board, Jen? I love a mixture of the soft and the hard. Excuse me, James. So, I would have like a really, I don't know, a really stinky camisola or something like that, or like a brie, or a camembert or something, and then maybe like a harder cheese like a gruyere. Yes, nice.

I also quite like a cheddar bomber. Oh, okay, nice. Now, just in case the listener doesn't know what's going on, every time Jen mentions a cheese, James blows a raspberry like an orangutan. And does something with his thumb. Okay, and then, yeah, so I'd have a mixture of those. Tell me, Jen.

You say you like a gruyere. Have you dipped your toes into the waters of comte before? I have, and I love a comte as well. I love a comte. A little bit nutty. Very nutty. Yeah, yeah. And very well-aged comte.

Yeah, very nice. Delicious. But what I insist on whilst the Jeannie dry wretches in the corner is that will there be enough crackers for the cheese? Because there are never enough crackers. You can even... I don't know if anyone can... There's only enough crackers if your kids haven't been at the oat crackers.

I don't... They're not here. That's the only way I can enjoy this meal. They are not here. Lucky. Lucky for them, they're not here. Can I... I hate them to see their mother make such an awful decision. Are you having a chutney with it? I'll have a chutney with it, just for the sweet bit, James.

No, okay, it's still not gone well. I'll have a chutney with... Chutney's the best part of what you've said so far, but still... You'd eat the chutney with the spoon, wouldn't you, James? Oh, I'll have some sugar on the chutney, and I'll eat that. I'll sugar up the chutney, and I'll just eat that. Little sugary chutney. Man, I love cheese so much.

What would have made you happy if I'd have said like... Anything else in the world. Custard? Yeah. Okay. Delighted. Okay. Can I have...

Anything that's an actual dessert. You're having the cheese board. You've already made the decision. Oh, I can have like a little bowl of custard on the side. That would be weird, I guess. Yeah, it'd be pretty weird. Yeah, that'll make me angry. Or a pavlova, right?

I actually would go for a pavlova. It's too late now, you've got the cheese board. Is it too late? I've got the cheese board. If you put an actual dessert into it and mix it with the cheese board, I will feel like it's disrespectful to the proper dessert. Okay, so now it's too late, I've gone... No, you've gone cheese board.

I think a cheese board. With a... I'll always have an extra glass of red wine at the end of the meal with the cheese board. Perfect. So, this means I can introduce a glass of red wine at the end of the meal. Yes, you can. I've had a bottle of white. Fuck it, let's have a glass of red with the cheese.

Absolutely, because white wine doesn't go with cheese boards. No, absolutely not. No, no, red wine. Yeah, I'll do what you want at this stage. Yeah. Have a red wine with your cheese board. Oh, I love it. Oh, I love it.

Okay. Well, this... This meal has been incredible. I'm moisturized for this meal. And a lot of effort. Oh, okay. I've come out of my lamp. I think it was going so well, and then I've lost you completely on the dessert.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you've lost me completely. Just got to chalk it up. This has only happened once before. Oh, really? Someone's picked the cheese board. Who else wants... Who picked the cheese board? The MP, Jess Phillips.

I knew we had a lot in common. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I knew it. And do you think James stayed respectful because she's an elected member of parliament? No, he did not. I'm feeling... He screamed,

fuck you, Jess, twice at the top of his voice. Right, come on, you grumpy waiter. Right. What are you with, like, sparkling water? Lovely. Problems with bread. Big, hunky, granary loaf with salted butter. Starter.

Oh, that's fresh out the oven as well, the bread is. Starter. Champagne oysters with rosé that your brother took you for. Yeah. Main course, you'll like some Malay curry with prawn, crab, six crabs in there. Wang's six of them in there, you said. From the street food market in Southeast Asia.

Side dish with some deep fried tofu with chili and spring onion. Drink with, like, a very dry white wine with ryokka. And for dessert, you can go fuck yourself. I think that's an amazing meal, and it finishes very strongly. Yes, well... Statistically, you're still winning, James. Yeah, well... Statistically, in this podcast, you are still winning.

It's only two for Ed and... And I'm very respectful when guests pick. Yeah, because it's not... You don't feel as strongly about it. This is like, you know how big a defeat this is for me. Yeah, I love it. I've got to go back into that lamp now. Shit, I'm worried about if we do go out for dinner.

I'm going to just have to have a pudding. Oh, no. Yeah, we're getting a cheese board. Thank you very much, Jen. Thanks, guys. Oh, and it's a victory for Team Cheese. Shut up. Shut your face.

Oh, so happy. Such a relief when I find a fellow cheese buddy. I can't believe it. So long. It's not... No one's picked it, and now I've had two. Yeah. Two now.

Sorry, man. People love cheese. Dark days. These are dark days. People... It's bright days for me. Lovely, cheesy, bright days. I feel like it's...

I feel like it's 2016 all over again, and the referendum results are coming in. But all that aside, she was a wonderful guest anyway, James. No, she was. She was brilliant. If you like the sound of Genshek, her out, go and look on my Twitter

at jembrista on the tweets. She's absolutely marvelous. In terms of our stuff, go on my social media, at Ed Gamble Comedy, and have a look at that. I've got loads of stuff going on. Congratulations.

I have a comedy special available on Amazon. If you're an Amazon subscriber, go and check that out. Hot diggity dog. Hot diggity dog. Is it the name of the special? Is it? No, that would be a great name, though, wouldn't it?

Yeah, yep. Too late. Too late. Go and check out my special. It's James. What are you up to, my friend? My name is James Acaster, and I've got a book out called

Perfect Sound, Whatever, about how 2016 is the greatest year for music of all time. What a great guy. What a great, great guy. Also, though, congratulations to Jen for not saying unpopped popcorn kernels. Thank the Lord.

She did not say it. She remained in the restaurant for the whole episode. Thank you so much, Jen. What did you kick her out? If you enjoyed this, we're never making the secret ingredient, cheese. I saw that.

I saw you work that out, though, if you made the secret ingredient, cheese, then you could kick people out. Absolutely not happening there. One day, I'm going to get you to do it. No, you're not. Absolutely not. You will do it one day.

If you like this podcast and you want to subscribe to it, what the bloomin' are you playing at? Subscribe, review. Chuck it five stars. And tell your friends. Thank you very much for listening. We will see you another time

in the Dream Restaurant. Hello, I'm your dad's friend, Lou Sanders, and I've launched a new podcast called Cuddle Club. It's better than it sounds, actually. I talked to a special guest about cuddling. There's not another podcast on cuddling, I thought to myself.

Guests include Katherine Ryan, Richard Osman, and Alan Davies. It's a perfect gift to yourself or to loved ones, because it's actually free to download. I'd love you to listen, but you're going to be the loser if you don't. It's worth reminding you

that there's no other podcast about cuddling. This business gone crazy. It's available on Apple Podcasts of course it is. Acast, yes. Spotify. Wherever you get your podcast, subscribe now, please.

Don't be a absolute dick piece. Hello, it's me, Amy Glendale. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where Spurz and my mum and Astro about seaweed on mashed potato, and our relationship's never been the same since.

And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case. Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast

that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North, because look, we're two Northerners. Sure, but we've been living in London for a long time. The news stories are funny.

Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News we'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glendale's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian?

It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.