Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 65: Romesh Ranganathan

Episode Date: July 15, 2020

The restaurant’s re-opened (with new Covid precautions) and the first guest of series 4 is Romesh Ranganathan! Romesh is in his garage, Ed's in his home and the genie’s in his lamp.Listen to Romesh’s podcast ‘Hip Hop Saved My Life’ on AcastFollow Romesh on Twitter and Instagram: @RomeshRangaRecorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive Productions.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, the only cure for brain freeze. My name's Ed Gamble, and sitting over there in his flat is James Acaster, because we're recording this over the internet, James. Yes, we are. I'm in my flat, and Ed is in a secret location that he will not reveal to me. It's not a secret location for anyone else, just to James. This is the first episode of series four, James. I never thought we'd make it this far, Ed. Thank you so much to everyone who's listened to us, and thank you to the Great Benito.

Yes, thank you to the Great Benito always. And when James says he didn't think we'd make it this far, he means that, because I heard James on another podcast recently say that he thought we'd only do ten episodes. Yes, that's what I thought we would do. At the start of... I can't remember where I said that, but I definitely said it because it's true. You said it on Brett Goldstein's brilliant podcast, films he buried with, and he started a new mini-series called Films to be Buried with the Resurrection, which he recorded an episode of, and you said you didn't realise this would be a success. You didn't think it would be, and you thought we'd only do ten episodes. Yes, that's what I thought. I thought

we'd do ten episodes just for ourselves, because we like talking about food, and now we'll listen to them, and then we'll just get on with our lives. Yeah, and here we are, many more episodes in, taken James by surprise as much as the rest of us. I'm shocked. I've made no secret over the years. I'm absolutely shocked. The thing is, James, I know you don't listen to it, but it's quite good this podcast. Well, I don't know. I mean, you know, I don't know. It's not my thing. I love recording them. I wouldn't want to listen to them. Well, it's a shame because coming up on this series, we've got some absolutely brilliant episodes. Some from our trip to America. We've still got loads of those to play out. There's some

absolute corkers to play. I'm very excited about a lot of those. Some like this one, which was recorded during lockdown. So it's over the internet, and then some that we managed to sneak in before lockdown. So it's a mixed bag, but not in the sense that any lower quality than others. It's a mixed bag where every time you pluck your hand out with one vineyard grasp, they're all lovely. Some of them are in a different country. Some of them, no one's even in the same room. Some of them just traditional off menu. Yeah, baby. But to kick off series four, we thought who better than the wonderful guest, Romesh Ranganathan. I can't believe now I slow down deliberately so you can join in at the same time. Yes. I should just say

it, shouldn't I? Yeah, but I was thinking about, you know, I was thinking, okay, yeah, we've got somewhere in a never country, somewhere at home, somewhere that's normal off menu. So we could say like some is home cooking and some is like takeaway. Yeah. I was trying to take away the American one. I guess so. Yeah. Yeah. And what's the normal one? It's normal restaurant in it. Okay. Just going to the restaurant having a sit down meal. We've got a sit down meal home cooking takeaway. But this, so this is home cooking. This one's home cooking. So welcome to the first episode of off menu home cooking with Romesh Ranganathan. Romesh, a fantastic comedian. I'm sure you're all aware. However, if he chooses the secret

ingredient, we will kick him out of the dream restaurant for good. We will. And the secret ingredient this week is dried limes. Dried limes when you get a drink or something and they put that dried lime in and it looks like they just put in a bit of off lime. Yeah, not happy about that. If Romesh says dried limes, he is out on his ear. Hopefully it does not want an awful way. That would be to kick off series four. What a bad way. Fingers crossed. But for now, this is the off menu menu of Romesh Ranganathan. Welcome Romesh Ranganathan to the dream restaurant. Thank you very much. Thank you. Welcome Romesh Ranganathan. We've been expecting you for some time. Thanks for having me. You impressed by that, by the genie's appearance there?

But yeah, I guess so. I mean, if you know it's a genie, it's difficult to know what a genie could do to push it over and above what a genie would do. But compared to a normal person, certainly very impressive. Compared to other genies, I'll reserve judgment. So you knew a genie was going to turn up, obviously. So what for you would push it over the edge for a genie? What's your top genie appearance? I can't wait to hear this. I don't know. I'd quite like it if they did a comedy thing where they were facing the wrong way initially. Yeah. Oh, there you are. Okay. Well, I'll have you know that in the genie world, that scene has been pretty hack. So I deliberately didn't do that. I mean, and in the human world,

really, you sort of want a genie to do bad damage. But there's something comfortably old-fashioned about it. I've seen Rob's last show and it does start with him, with his back to the audience. Hello? Oh, no one's shown up, I guess. Yeah. Oh, guys, cancel the tour. Imagine going to see Romesh at the Apollo and he starts with his back to the audience and turns around and says, I didn't see you there. I wonder how many more girls there be, just fucking off the back of the first line. Just like, Jesus Christ, is this the stuff he does? Amazing if you did that. Especially if you like, rose up from the ground like on a platform. Yeah. I got me back to the audience and they're like, really big music and then it all stops.

Yeah. And then became convinced that I just really needed to commit to it for it to land. It's been 10 minutes now. Can you just tell him this bit isn't going to work? Can somebody signal to him just to turn around? Then you'd have to open the second half in exactly the same way. Yeah. And when he's home, I go, not again. You guys, be honest with me. Did you move the room around? Be honest. Someone's having a laugh at old rubbish. Well, welcome, Romesh, to the dream restaurant. You get to order your dream meal from our genie waiter here. Thanks. Are you a food boy? I'm a food boy, yeah. I would say I'm a food boy. I'm not allowed to be as much of a food boy as I'd like to be at home because I like

cooking actually is the truth of it. I do enjoy cooking, but Lisa, my wife, believes that the level of disruption and mess that I generate is not sufficiently paid off by the quality of the meal. So what's essentially happened is that I'm not allowed to cook at home. I had a bit of a June lockdown. I had a bit of a face off with the kids because I'm not allowed to cook. The kids haven't seen me cook that much, right? So the other day, we were having dinner and they said, they said, oh, you know, because dad can't cook. I said, you what, mate? I said, what did you just say? He said, well, you know, you can't cook. You don't have a cook. I said, don't confuse me not cooking with me not being able to cook. I said, name something and I'll make it tomorrow

and it'll be fucking amazing. I said, it's not like that. And thankfully, they named chocolate cheesecake, which I don't know how much you guys know about desserts, but that in terms of effort to pay off ratio, it's incredible. It's the best dish you can make. It's an absolute piece of and it delivers. It's very impressive. So I taught my children a lesson and that is not tipped out their father. Have they eaten that yet? They ate it and they loved it, James. They loved it. Yeah, they really loved it. I mean, I was I was making something I couldn't taste. So it was a bit of a gamble on that because of the veganism, but they what's that a minute and a half. I've mentioned it. Brilliant. And we're expecting it to come up to be fair to you. I

don't think we can do you online or bloody vegans always mentioning it. This is a food podcast. So yeah, so I do. I do. I do enjoy cooking and I also do enjoy eating nice things. I'm very much a big fan of that. Big fan of it also was a much home cooking in your house growing up. Yes, very much so. I mean, my my my mom is a very good cook. And she started off. I mean, loads of Sri Lankan food, which is kind of I guess it's it's not much like Indian food. I mean, it's curries and stuff, but it's a lot drier and hotter. And I had loads of really good Sri Lankan food growing up. And then my mom started to diversify into Italian was the the area that she moved into, which doesn't feel like the natural progression from Sri Lankan stuff,

but it is the direction that she took. But she did very much put a Sri Lankan twist on it. I mean, she made, I would argue, probably the spiciest lasagna in the northern. So yeah, so she did. My dad was very much. I mean, my dad went on to dive a heart attack. And it's no surprise based on the stuff he was making. I mean, he used to sort of regularly deep fried boiled eggs as a snack. I mean, it's a lot of things in my head that I don't want to say right now. But that is dancing. That is a very it's so much effort as well when you when you've already boiled an egg. That's perfectly lovely. I have a boiled egg, but to go like we're going to we're going to need to deep fry

this. I know it's it's a heart disease waiting to happen really. And nobody thinks I I don't know. I don't know what it added to it. I don't know. He never really told me what the deep frying was adding to the egg. I mean, I suppose it's a bit like a Scotch egg really, isn't it? If you're like a Scotch egg is deep fried, but was he putting anything around the egg? No, absolutely not. It was you taking the shell off, right? Yes, he would need to take they did make that concession. Yeah, it took the shell off. And then just deep fried it and added a bit of chili powder and then smash it up. So he boiled boiled it, de-shelled it, put it in a deep fryer.

Correct. Yeah, then put some chili powder on it and yeah, and then said, what makes you think I'm going to die prematurely? That was his old catchphrase. He would he would always say that as he took the fried boiled egg. Yeah, as he had the third one. Absolutely love. Also, Sri Lankan food, that's got it must have been quite easy for you being a vegan for a while because it's amazing the Sri Lankan vegetarian and vegan stuff, right? Yeah, well, it was growing up. I wasn't I think I went vegetarian about 12 years old. So I was eating a lot of my mum made a lot of mutton curry, which is kind of which is my

favorite thing to eat. And and then they would make a lot of fish. There's a lot of seafood. My mum and dad used to take me to, well, they had no choice. I don't think they wanted to take us, but they couldn't leave us on our own. We used to go to Billingsgate fish market. And my mum and dad wanted to get the best stuff to make kind of curry out of. And I remember my dad would see stuff like, you know, he'd go, he'd go, just going to go pick something up and then he'd come back with like a baby shark over his shoulder that he was going to make a curry out of. Straight into the deep fryer. Yeah. A couple of eggs. Listen to me. Little baby shark, couple of deep fried boiled eggs.

That's paradise. It's just just just it's fed poking out the top. Yeah. But it's weird because my brother and I both had that similar upbringing and I've grown up absolutely loving Sri Lankan food. My brother never used to he never used to really enjoy curry. He liked he preferred English stuff and he didn't really like spicy stuff. The only exception being one of the staples of Sri Lankan cuisine is short eats, which is like little snack things like mutton rolls, which is just a pancake breaded, you know, wrapped up in this mutton curry kind of wrapped up in a little sausage shape, which is delicious and vaday and things like that. And stuff like that. So my brother, my brother did like that kind of thing.

But so that was I lived off Sri Lankan food for most of my childhood. And that has that's kind of my love for that has stayed with me. Did you ever have a deep sorry to come back to the deep fried boiled eggs? No, but I can't get my head down. Did you ever sample one? Good. No, I didn't actually. I didn't. I just sort of I felt like I didn't think I'd survive it is the honest truth. But it felt so bad for you. And at that time, that was around the time that my dad was doing that was very much at the time when we felt that people were sort of saying if you have too many eggs, you're in a lot of trouble. And so for my dad to take what I believe is already a weaponized food stuff and to deep fry it felt crazy to me. So I never dabbled it. And also,

the other problem is, is that's not the sort of thing you want to discover you've got a taste for. Because what you don't want to start craving that something that unhealthy, you know, pears, fruit, you know, plums, peaches, that kind of thing you want to develop an addiction for. Deep fried boiled eggs. I think if that is something you've got a taste for, it's better off left undiscovered, really. It would be my take on that. That's what I'm like with deep fried Mars bars. I remember them. I remember them coming in for the first time when I was a kid and hearing about them and then being, you know, I think news round did a report on them and being quite excited about it. But then even at that age thinking, I must never eat one of these. I will want them all

the time. And I can't try them. The problem for me is with deep fried Mars bars is that because I'm so, I'm so inherently greedy. When people go, Oh, that sounds disgusting. I just think that doesn't sound disgusting. That sounds wonderful. Mars bar and batter and it's hot. Possibly have it with ice cream. What the fuck are you talking about? How does that sound disgusting? We've been on tour with with Kevin Bridges and he used to get a pizza crunch a lot. No pizza crunch. No, it's battered and deep fried pizza. Right. When you say quite quite a lot, how often was he getting pizza crunch? Well, we did pop a van Gnaiffen levels of what we did. We did two weeks in glass. He played like two weeks consecutively in Glasgow and I would say. Well, I don't want

to cast aspersions on Kev's diet. He's a very healthy guy, but I would say over 50% of the time is picking up pizza crunch pizza crunch. Listen, I want to give you some context. Yeah, it was like we were we did go out after the shows and have a few. It wasn't like this wasn't brunch. Yeah, this was this was a late night poor decision thing. You know, I don't want to suggest that Kev would in the morning say to himself about 11 o'clock, I think I might tuck into the pizza crunch. This is like one in the morning. We've accepted that the day's gone away from us. You know, that kind of that kind of that's how you that's when you have pizza crunch. Also, I imagine that when he's in Glasgow, he's Kevin Bridges has to he's got a reputation to uphold,

right? And all the guys we just gonna be like, Oh, I see what's happened. Yeah, you think you're too good for it. He's got to be in pizza crunch all the time to keep his credit. I guess, yeah, part part of it is you have to have, I guess I'd imagine you have to have some sort of pizza crunch on your person at some point at all times. Yeah, if you're in a situation where you have to kind of demonstrate your authenticity, let's go. Well, just going to tuck into this guys, if you don't mind. That's why if you see Kevin Bridges shows, like DVDs and stuff, you can just see a grease patch on his inside pocket. Absolutely. Just in case he gets heckled, you've forgotten who you are, Kev.

Just go. Have I? Because what's in this pocket? Yes, but before I pull it up a pocket, guess. Yes, it is a pizza crunch. Bad luck. I don't know if I've ever mentioned this before on the show. Once when I was very unhealthy when I was at university, I had three pizzas in one day once. You've not mentioned that on the show or off the show. It was a very big day for me. So we went for pizza. I had a duck pizza at Bella Pasta for lunch. Duck pizza in itself is fairly indulgent, isn't it? Yeah, it was gross. I just wanted any way of getting the worst food into my body. It was duck, but instead of tomato base, it was hoisin sauce. Oh, my God. And most people would go, and after I had that, I didn't have pizza again for a week. We knew we were going on twice more

that same day to have pizza. We had a show. I was doing a student sketch comedy show that night, and before the show, we went out and I got pizza just from a takeaway. It's probably pepperoni with extra cheese. And then also, I remember this distinctly, but they had a thing running at the takeaway where they spun a wheel and you could win something. And I won a free garlic bread, so I had that as well. And then we went out and got pissed that night. And then about two in the morning, I ate a Donnie kebab pizza. Oh, my God. And only halfway through it, I was like, oh, this is my third pizza of the day. Only halfway, you realize. And I won that free garlic bread on this video. One of the best things that's ever happened to me was me and two friends went

to Pizza Express and ordered our pizza. One of the best things that's ever happened. Yeah, it was amazing. And we all ordered our pizzas, and one of our friends was a vegan, and his pizza just never arrived. And so they get, but me and my other mate, our pizzas arrived. So we got all of our pizzas for free, and he still didn't get his pizza was the best part of it. So we left. And me and my mate, me and his kuma got got a free pizza each. And our other friend had no pizza and nothing to show for it. That friend was Romesh. Yes, it was. I love it. Just to see two people that you've eaten with, just enjoy their pizza because it arrived properly. To finish in front of you for your food and then be told that their food is free.

As a result of having suffered absolutely zero inconvenience. In fact, I would argue that they're exclusively added to by being able to watch me as I eat their food, not have my food. Yeah, it was amazing. And it was the best person for it to happen to. Just immediately angry, didn't hide it at all. Really furious. Best person to be there with us well and have niche there who doesn't hide his glee whatsoever. Ah, great. Just to fucking walk through the street with it. It was. I loved it when the waitress came back to table. We're so, so sorry that your pizza hasn't arrived. The meal is on us. What meal? Look at his face. What meal are you referring to? We always start with still or sparked in water. I will go sparkling please.

Sparkling water. I like the luxury of it. I actually have a Diet Coke addiction that apparently is a problem. I didn't think it was a problem. It's got zero calories and stuff. Are you aware of this? I don't think it's a problem. I found nothing but positives from drinking Diet Coke. For me, it tastes like normal Coke anyway. As far as I know, unless we discover something else, sparkling water, you can have that as much as you like, right? There's no... Well, weirdly, I think there is something about it putting weight on sparkling water. Are you being serious? Yeah, I'm being serious. I don't know the exact science behind it, but it's something... It's like the bubbles do something to trap calories or something. I don't know.

The bubbles do something to trap calories. I'm not saying I'm an expert on this, but I've heard rumours that sparkling water might be bad as well. Okay, well, that's... Well, the only thing I've heard is that it's bad for your enamel on your teeth. Yeah, that is something I'm worried about. I don't give a shit. No, okay. So, you say it's a luxury, but now you're glugging it all day long. Is it not? It's not a luxury anymore. I don't glug it all day long, but I will tuck into it. I don't have it all day, but when I do have it, it's a guilt-free pleasure. You probably like... Is the bottle vertical? You've got your head thrown back. Sometimes I do that. Sometimes I do that. Do you shout cowabunga before you drink it?

I'm trying to think of a time when I have shat cowabunga, because I don't want to answer dishonest. It's possible, certainly feasible. It's certainly not... Outside the rooms are possible. We're not lulling it out. I just saw this morning, actually, possibly because I may have been talking about sparkling water and my phone was listening to me. An advert for alcoholic sparkling water. Have you seen this? Yeah, I saw the advert. Hard seltzer. Never heard of this. Never heard of this. I don't know how I feel about it, really. I'm not sure if I'm in favour. I think I drink it too quickly. I'd glug it down.

Yeah, that is the problem, isn't it? Yeah. I have a similar problem with the Long Island Ice Tea. I don't know if you've ever doubled in that cocktail. No. But that is eminently gluggable. I can't believe I said those words out loud. Love it. Eminently gluggable. That was the original name of this podcast. Welcome to eminently gluggable. What's in a Long Island Ice Tea remind me? I don't know. I really don't know. Hold on. Let me look it up. Here we go. Vodka, gin, tequila, rum, triple sec, and lime.

I think I might have looked... I think I might have accidentally looked at some sort of underground recipe there. That sounds really... That sounds like a really depraved version of the drink that I love. That's vicious. Drink it out of a jug or something. That doesn't sound very safe. I have that problem with that, is that you can knock it back. I had a really weird experience with cocktail. Well, Lisa doesn't really like me telling this story, but I will tell it to you. We went away for a night, and the hotel that we're at had a cocktail bar.

And Lisa, have you... I've never met Lisa. Yes, once, but that's the only thing I have. She's very, very... She's quite chilled out, quite relaxed character. We went to this cocktail bar, and we started knocking back cocktails. And something about Long Island Ice Tea just turned her super aggressive. And she just sort of started being really kind of horrible to me. In a way that she clearly found funny. You know, she'd be like, you know, I'd say something.

She'd go, shut up, you boring old cunt. And then there was this sort of other couple sitting alongside from us. And then I would say, I'd say, I thought I sort of noticed she was getting pissed. I'd go, should we go up to the room? She'd go, oh, shut up. Stop being so boring. Let's have another drink. And then she'd get the other couple involved. She'd go, isn't he being boring? What a boring prick. Isn't he boring? And then they'd go, yeah, he is being really boring.

Why don't you just have a drink with your wife, you boring prick? And then they all sort of, they're kind of roasting me for a while. I mean, Lisa vanished to the toilet and didn't come back for like an hour. And then the other girl said to her, like, I find her. And I said, sure. And she'd fallen unconscious. Yeah. I think maybe 40 minutes or something like that. But you were sitting there for the 40 minutes. I'll be honest with you, James. I enjoyed, I was enjoying the break from my gross.

But I'd say maybe 10 minutes if you'd send someone in to look for her. Anyway, so the next morning, she woke up completely hangover free. And completely forgotten about what happened. And I chose not to remind her because I just thought she's had a nice time. I don't want to start dragging up the sour events of the previous evening. And then about two weeks later, we're driving past the hotel. I said, we should go back there one night to have a night. And then she goes, I'm not after what happened last time.

So I said, you do fucking remember all this time. I had assumed that had slipped your mind, but it hasn't. Pop it up to our bread. Well, look, I thank you for your question, James. I think I'd go bread. But the reason I'd go bread is because I prefer poppydoms. What? Yeah. Yeah. I know.

I know. The reason I say this is because I really love poppydoms. And actually, when we're on tour, pre-apocalypse, one of the things that we were doing was we're going to a curry house pretty much every night. Pop it on crunch. And I love. It's weird, isn't it? It's weird to take something that's already been deep fried.

And then to batter it in deep fry again. Something only my dad would do. No, I just think that they always overindulge and it ruins the meal. Whenever we arrive at an Indian, I'm always like starving. And then I ask for, they always say, how many poppydoms do you want? And they're asking you that absolute peak hunger. And so I'll always say suggest two, possibly three per person. And then you finish the poppydoms and you think we could just leave now.

You know, there's no reason to stay here apart from we've ordered food and etiquette dictates that we can't just do a runner after the poppydoms. But I do think they should just have poppydom kiosks. You know, just like little shacks, we can just pick up poppydoms. How would you serve them, though, if they were street food? I think you'd have the poppydoms broken into pieces and served into a poppydom that's been formed into a cone. You can get conical poppydoms, can't you?

So I think it's just a conical one with the kind of bits in there. And then how would you know this? And then you put the sauces on yourself into the cone, like a big crunchy ice cream. Do you know what? I'll be honest with you, as I described the conical thing, I knew that that would be the far up question. I've got nothing for you there. I haven't thought that far into it. I guess you'd have bottles and you'd squeeze it on like a raspberry ripple, I guess. You want different sauce ratios with each bite, don't you?

When I'm having a poppydom and stuff, I don't really just have all the sauces together or just one sauce. I like to vary it up. What do you go for first on the chutneys? I'd probably go for mango chutney first, because it was my first love. Of all the dips is the first one I liked. I'm steering clear of mango chutney broadly. Why is that? Too sweet for me. The thing is, I don't want to, I mean, I've left it a while,

but I'm type one diabetic, Romesh. Bring that up. So if I'm having a curry, it's a big undertaking anyway, if I'm having rice and bread, it's a lot of insulin to do. So I'm not going to pile on mango. I'm not going to have jam as my starter. Mate, do you know what's so funny? So if you eat mango chutney and think of jam, it's incredible how similar that is. It's insane. It is absolutely insane as a product mango chutney. Yeah, it's jam. You're having some jam.

It is jam. I once saw Ed Byrne do a routine about mince pies. Just taste like mango chutney in a sock or something. And now every time I have mango chutney, I think about mince pies. It makes me feel all Christmassy. That is a weird reverse engineering of a journey to a Christmas thought, isn't it? Yeah, and that's just like, yeah, that'd be my advice if you ever go to see Ed Byrne. Take each of his routines. They're all very negative, but flip around in your own life

and make positives out of it. But judging in question, Romesh, I would start with that, but then, essentially, as soon as I get going on the line pickle, I'm there for quite a while. I love a line pickle. I had an issue. I think it's line pickle. It might have been gel-frazy, but I was at dinner with Suzy Ruffle, an Indian restaurant after a tour date, and then I went to the toilet and came back to sit down. Basically, I had the experience of what I believed. Well, it felt like a rapid onset STI.

But actually, what it was is I hadn't washed my hands probably before going for a piss, and I transferred. I believe it was either line pickle or possibly gel-frazy. On to my penis. And then had to say to Suzy, just hold your anecdote there a minute, Suzy. I'm going to go back to the toilet, and I've just been. There's no other way of explaining this, apart from the fact I think I might have curry on my dick. It's the curry slash general chili on the penis is the worst feeling. It is the worst.

You feel like such an idiot as well. You feel like such an idiot. You're like, my dick's burning, and it's all my fault. Yeah. And then you sort of think, Jesus Christ, that is upsetting that I was handling food, and now those molecules have made their way to my penis. Yeah. Well, handling it, and then, oh, I see. Yeah. I thought you were stirring the curry with your dick. No. I mean, you can do that. You can do that. Then you definitely have no one else to blame but yourself.

Well, I think if the food had arrived and I'd stirred it with my dick, and then gone to the toilet and come back and gone, Suzy, you're never going to fucking believe what's happened. She'd know. You've got a burning sensation because I think I've got curry on my dick, and she'd say, well, Romish, surely you'd have assumed that was likely to happen, but in one, I've just watched you stir the curry with your penis. Yeah. Also, she's not gone.

I can't believe you're surprised by that. She's not going to be there anymore. If I witness someone take their penis out, stir their curry with it, and then go to the toilet, I'm straight out of that restaurant. Hold on. Would you just leave, even if they were a good friend? Yeah. I'd tweet about it first. I'd get you cancelled. It'd be like Romish's whips his dick out and stir.

I mean, everyone in the restaurant scene, you're in trouble. Would I be cancelled just to know what the tipping point is on this? Would I be cancelled for getting the dick out of the Indian restaurant, or would it be when I started stirring that you think it's cancelled? Well, I think you could quietly get your dick out in an Indian restaurant, and maybe people wouldn't notice, but if you then stood up with your dick out and plopped it into the bolty pot, I think people might be.

I think the fact that you're there with a woman as well, you're not in a relationship with Susie, and you've just stand up. Oh, so you're saying, if Romish stirred a curry with his dick, and his wife was there, people would be okay with it. Right. It depends if Lisa was drunk or not. If she wasn't drunk, I think she'd accept it. If she was drunk, she'd be like, look at this prick, stirring a curry with his penis.

Manky old dick stirring this fucking curry. Put that, no one wants to see that, mate. Put it away. Right, but bread, though, yeah? You're going with bread. Yes, chef bread, yeah. Good stuff. What kind of bread?

Something plain. Something that I couldn't nibble on without getting addicted to, and then ruin my appetite, I guess. This is a running theme. You're very concerned about getting addicted to food, addicted to drink. I've got an addictive personality, and I don't really have much willpower, so I have to put in other barriers to me eating too much, which are eat flavorless stuff, and hopefully won't have too much of it.

So far, I'm having sparkling water as a treat, and some plain bread. Just dump yourself from having the thing that you prefer, which is pop it up. In the dream restaurant. Yeah, thank you, Jeannie, for making all my wishes come true. What is your starter, Robbish? So my starter is actually a main course that I'm turning into a starter for the purposes of this meal, and that is vegan chicken and waffles. Now, I had this recently in New York just before lockdown,

and as it sounds, it's like fake chicken on top of these waffles with the syrup all over it, and I've always been fascinated by that dish as the ultimate in anti-veganism. So when I saw a vegan equivalent of it, I was intrigued. But the problem with all of these fake meat things and all of these simulation things is they've only got, I reckon they've got about seven mouthfuls maximum before they get found out. And that was the problem with this dish, is for the first, I'd say, quarter of it, I was like, this is fucking great.

It tastes just like chicken and waffles, and it's amazing, and it's really delicious. And then I would say about halfway through, three quarters of the way through, I started to think, it's quite synthetic, this is very chemically. I don't think I'm enjoying this anymore, and by the end of it, I never wanted to eat it again. But the first portion of that, the first portion, it was fucking great. If I had enough of it for the illusion not to be undermined, just that kind of portion, I think that's a perfect starter. It's a starter portion, and obviously, this is the dream restaurant.

We've got a genie on staff, so we can make sure that the last bite you take of it is the bite before it tips over. Perfect. That would be, God, that would be, Jesus, that would be amazing. Because honestly, Genie, the first part of that was fucking magical, man. Like, it was so delicious, and I've never eaten something that has taken me from paradise to sort of horror over such a short amount of time. I really never, I never wanted to see the restaurant again. I even felt kind of slight anger towards the waiter,

just because I felt so sort of funny having eaten all of it. Do you remember what restaurant it was? It was called Urban Vegan Kitchen, which, you know, as names go, doesn't get much more pretentious, does it? I'm very really, Ed, I don't know about you in that moment, but I was quite, I was thinking, oh, I hope it's not champs. I hope it's not about to say he never wanted to go to champs again, because champs do chicken and waffles, and it's all vegan,

and it's very delicious, and I don't know. Isn't it? It'd be good. Yeah. This is the one thing that my non-vegan mates have a go at me about, is eating meat substitutes is something that my friends, I don't know if you can call them my friends, the way they question my life standards,

but they're constantly going on about, why would you get a meat simulation? But I don't, I never see that. I always think that that's the sort of desperate argument of a guilty meat eater who's trying to pick a logical hole in something that you're doing, because they feel bad. I mean, that stuff, I was at a wedding once, and there's two people with vegans,

just very nice people, not making a big deal out of it whatsoever, and one guy on the table who had a massive problem with it, and wouldn't leave it alone, and kept saying, but kept throwing scenarios at them that they would never end up in, about what, okay, well, let's say this then. Let's say you're trapped in a house, right? It's like, it's proper like, you can't get out the house, you're going to be there for days.

All they've got in the freezer at this point, they just got like meat and chips, and that's all they've got. Are you just going to eat the chips all the time? Surely you're going to delve into the meat somewhere? You're going to do it. And they're like, yeah, probably in the event of an apocalypse, and I'm trapped in a house, yeah, I will probably eat the meat that's in the freezer.

And he's there, leaning back in his chair, like... Oh, mate, the a-ha moment that they have, that they fucking undermine your whole thing. So, okay, so there's a gun to your son's head. And they say to you, you have to eat this lamb chop, otherwise the kid gets it. Would you eat the lamb chop? Yeah, I would.

Okay, so you don't, you're not fully committed to it. You're not fully vegan, are you? Because if you've got a choice, there are circumstances which you would eat, mate. So, there you go. There you go. That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying.

You know? So, you'll be vegan when it suits you. Is it? Fucking amazing. As if your meds go, yeah, shit my son, I'm not eating that lamb chop. Oh, fair play to him. Sticks to his guns, that one.

That argument, though, of saying, like, well, why do you eat meat substitute? If the whole, it's a meat substitute. That would suggest that anyone eating meat is going, I really love this because it's an animal. I know, I know. It's a convenience thing, though, isn't it? Because I went vegan, like, maybe seven years ago.

And it has got so much better in the UK for vegans since then. It's a convenience thing. Because, you know, when you're, the fact that you can go to pretty much anywhere and there will be some sort of vegan option just makes life so much easier. Because I remember when I first started, somebody would go, do you want to go in here to grab something to eat?

And I think, oh, fucking hell, they're definitely not going to have something. And I have to ask if they can do something special. And then they're going to bring out a boiled carrot. And I'm going to have to be grateful because they've gone to the trouble of doing it. Or they'll say something like, the chef's never faced a challenge like this before.

Let's see what he comes up with or whatever. And you just don't have that anymore. So, you know, going into KFC, I'm not saying that I desperately want to have the KFC vegan burger. But it's just the fact that if your mates decide to go to KFC, there's something for you to order. Do you know what I mean? I do think that's part of it.

Although, I did have a weird thing because there's this place called Dummies that I went to in LA. And they have, it's vegan junk food, right? And it looks like a pure kind of diner menu, a bacon double cheeseburger and all of this stuff. But all of it's vegan. And they had, I said to them, I asked what the recommendation was.

I said that the hot wings are amazing. And they brought this basket of wings over and they'd like, they'd driven a wooden peg. It was fake meat, but there's a wooden peg in there for you to kind of nibble around it. For me, I'll be honest with you, that's the simulation taken too far. You know, I don't need the skeleton.

I know, there's some bits that, yeah, there's some bits that if you can cut that out of the equation, then why don't you like, it's like saying, we've invented a vegan meat that screams when you cut into it. And it can reproduce and it's alive. It's an animal. It's a chicken. We've invented a chicken.

Ed and I and the Great Bonito, when we were in LA, we went to a vegan place. What was it called, Ed? It was the Grateful Place. Cafe Gratitude. Cafe Gratitude. Oh yeah, yeah, I've been there. It was the most LA experience we've ever had.

James, tell Romesh why it was the most LA experience we've ever had. A whole bunch of reasons. What is the, it was vegan. What is that? We had to order our food by saying, I am grateful. I am majestic, whatever it was. But the biggest one, probably this is ultimate vegan. This is like the most vegan experience I've had.

Never mind LA, is that we're sitting in a vegan restaurant in LA, and we look round and Moby's there. This is Moby sitting on a table. And we're like, I can't believe it. He's actually here. He's in a vegan restaurant. We're just staring at him. I went to Cafe Gratitude with somebody who

sat down and said to the waitress, just so you know, I'm not fucking ordering it like that. Just give me that. Which is of course how we all feel from the UK. Of course, that's how we feel. Yeah. It was fun though. I went in thinking I don't want to order it like that.

And then we had the nicest waiter ever, just super nice guy. And so I was like, I can't, I can't say to him I'm not doing it. And as soon as I said, I am powerful anyway, and he went, you are powerful. I was like, this feels great. Yeah. Did it feel good? Oh, it felt great.

I loved it. I thought, because actually, I'd say it's probably even better for British people because not only do you get to experience a rare feeling of saying something positive about yourself out loud, but also because you're British, you think it's pretty funny. Yeah. So I think you have to do it with a certain amount of irony and like you're taking the piss by joining in.

So I was doing, I am black coffee. I was just ordering everything like that. Your main course, Romesh. So my main course is a series of, well, it's my mum's cooking, basically. I would like a sort of a small, no, actually, fuck it. It's my dream. It's my dream meal, isn't it?

Slightly larger than small portion of white rice. I'd like a soy, a soy curry. My mum does an aubergine curry. Some yellow dull. And a little side of Masala Dosa would be my kind of, would be my main course. Would be my kind of main course. It'd be actually my main course.

So is this a meal? Did your mum always serve these things together? No, she doesn't because my mum combines being a feeder with constantly complaining about my physical shape. So she would never, she would never serve me those things at the same time. She does this thing where, well, I'm saying it like she does it without my wanting her to.

She delivers these Sri Lankan, I described them as Sri Lankan care packages to the house where she will make, she'll make a big batch of curry and then deliver it. Normally, I think when she knows that Lisa has gone to a lot of effort cooking that day and then she'll sort of knock on the door and say, oh, hi, guys, I brought some just in case you don't want this that obviously Lisa's been saving away over.

I've got you something, I'm not going to say you're going to prefer it, Romesh. But you might like it as an alternative. You know, she does a lot of that. But when she does bring that food over, she's very much like, you should only have only have a small amount at a time. Okay, I don't have too much because honestly, darling, you're so close to looking almost good.

Because I've lost a bit of weight recently. My mum's become obsessed with me getting a six pack. I don't want to be mean to your mum. That's pretty fucking weird. Yeah. I don't. Most people's mums. Yeah.

I really want my child to get a six pack. Yeah. Every time she talks about it, she's sort of slightly rubbing her tits. Makes it creepier. She has genuinely become obsessed with me getting a six pack. I think she thinks, I don't know. She hasn't really explained why.

And she says, I really think you should try and get yourself a six pack. But it's since you've lost weight. She said that. I think she was taking it step by step. So the first thing was try not to look disgusting anymore. And then once, and then she was like moved to getting a six pack. And I said to her, I just said, it's not going to happen.

It's absolutely not going to. I was very clear on that. It's not going to happen. She says, why not, why not, why not? Well, that's the first of all, I don't want it. I don't want a six pack. You know, it's not, it's so difficult for people who've got the genetic advantages.

They've got the willpower, they've got the youth on them. It's so difficult for them to get a six pack. And I don't even particularly want it. I think it would look freakish. Also, the thing that scares me about that sort of thing is if you work that hard to get it, and then your whole life is trying to maintain it. Oh, mate.

What an awful life. It's like getting a Ferrari and then just desperately try not to get a scratch on it. Terrible. So much of your life is based on trying to keep that going. So, but she told me, she genuinely said to me, every time I speak to her, by the way, she mentions a six pack. I'm yet to have a conversation during lockdown,

where she hasn't mentioned a six pack, right? So she said to me, I said to her, mum, it cannot, it just can't. I'm not going to get a six pack. She goes, yeah, but you know what you should do? You should have turmeric every day. That can help. I said, mum, I think if turmeric gave you a six pack, I reckon I would have already heard about it.

I find it almost impossible to believe that that news would have been delivered to me by you. I love that she wants you to get a six pack, but she's still dropping off massive packages of her cooking. It's like it's a test. It's a test. She's just going, well, I'm going to leave this here, but I'll be very disappointed if you eat it.

Yeah. And she delivers it in such big containers that she sort of asked me to buy smaller containers in advance so I can decant. Because there's no way that you would be able to tackle that amount of food in one go, you know? So currently, she did a drop off a couple of days ago. Our phrase is full of little containers

with my mum's handwriting on it, from the one who really loves you. No, she doesn't like that. She just sort of, you know, dialed for Rommie. Has she done, like, a drawing of you with a six pack on every container? Yeah. She just stuck pictures of Peter Andre on all of them.

It's such a weird thing to be obsessed about, but she really is convinced. What would you say of all the dishes you named that your mum makes for this particular meal? Is the star? What's the word that you drink about it? I think the aubergine curry is absolutely knockout. I grew up eating it.

As soon as I became, as soon as I went vegetarian, I started making it for me all the time. But it is, in order to make it, it's very unhealthy, because she deep-fries the theme in our house, as I'm sure you're aware. Yeah. No lessons learned whatsoever. She deep-fries the aubergine.

I think in a technique, she learned watching my dad cook eggs. She deep-fries the aubergine before she makes it into a curry, and then dries the oil out of it or whatever. But it tastes so incredible. It is so delicious. Aubergine's just like a big oil sponge, right? That's why it tastes so good, because it just sucks up every bit of fat.

I think, essentially, what I'm telling you is I enjoy spicy oil and salt. I think that is what I'm enjoying about it. And also, the other thing is, when you have aubergine that hasn't been done well, it tastes so horrific, doesn't it? So the fact that she can make aubergine taste so magical, I find pretty impressive.

But I'm only allowed to have it every now and again. So, for example, she dropped off aubergine recently, but that was probably the second time in about six months I've been allowed to have aubergine curry, because, obviously, six packs on the way. I do like that you say, since you've been allowed to have it, which completely negates any option of you making it yourself. You're like, there's only one person

who can bring me aubergine curry, and it's my mum, so she's in charge. It's not allowed to cook? Well, my mum, yeah. First of all, I'm not allowed to cook, but also my mum revealed to me... The last thing she's not allowed to do, let's go. My mum recently revealed to me

that when she gives the recipes for her curries to other people, she deliberately emits ingredients, because she doesn't want anyone to make it as nicely as her. Wow. And then what she does is she gives them the recipe, they make it, and then they phone her and say something like, I don't... Thanks for the recipe, something. It just doesn't quite taste the way that you made it.

And she goes, I don't know, maybe it's some sort of magic in my head. Fuck it, Al. I take it she emits like a small ingredient, like a spice or something. She doesn't just, like, leave the aubergine out. No, I think that would be... Like, Shanthi, it's weird, we've just got to come as soup. I don't know what she wants to do with it.

But in answer to your question, Ed, you're absolutely right. You are absolutely right. And this is something that my mum and I have talked about, is that my mum wants to teach me how to make all of these dishes. The problem is, they take... I said the problem, they take a long time and nobody else in my house likes them. So Lisa doesn't really like Sri Lankan food that much. The kids are not that into it.

So, you know, Lisa gets annoyed... I say annoyed, annoyed is a bit strong. She gets irritated by me desecrating the kitchen for the sake of something that she can eat, let alone something she's got no intention of eating. So it's tricky. Your family sound mad. And they had... Sri Lankan food is like, I'd say...

I'm struggling to think of a cuisine that is better than Sri Lankan food. Like, it's so good. What is their problem? I don't know. Well, the kids are sort of averse to spicy stuff anyway at the moment. Hopefully, they'll get beyond that. Lisa just... She's just not into it. The truth is, James, now that you've said that,

I'm starting to think maybe she's got a problem with my mum. Because she does eat Indian food. When we get Indian takeaway, she'll tuck into that. So it's not like she's got a problem with spicy food. I think it's... What is it? Yeah, I think she might... Anyone who likes Indian food has to like Sri Lankan food. I, you know...

Well, actually, maybe it's because all the Sri Lankan food I've had has been at quite nice places. But it's always seemed like just a more exciting version of the curry that I've had in the past. Lisa likes Indian food, but then specifically hates the food of the country where your family are from, right? I guess... Yeah.

I guess she sort of looks at Indian food and thinks it doesn't undermine my position as wife and mother in the house in the same way that Sri Lankan food has done. Yeah, when your mum shows up. When my mum knocks on the door and goes, I'm loving because this bitch can't do it. It's your side dish for your dream meal. Also, is it to compliment this main meal of Sri Lankan food?

It does, but it's not something that my mum cooks, although I'm sure if she heard this, she'd be absolutely furious with me for suggesting that she couldn't make it. But it's a side dish called Gobi 65. Are you aware of this thing? It's a South Indian thing. It's cauliflower.

It's sort of spiced cauliflower. And it tastes absolutely amazing. I've got no idea why it's called Gobi 65. If you told me that the reason it's called Gobi 65 is there were 64 previous iterations of it, and this is the most delicious one they came up with, I would believe you because it tastes absolutely magical. It's unbelievable.

And they have managed to make cauliflower taste like a treat. It just tastes absolutely amazing. And the thing is with vegan food, the words that you have associated with vegan food are kind of fresh, crunchy, healthy and all this shit. Gobi 65 is not healthy, but you can feel it sort of coating your insides as you eat it. I love it. I absolutely love it.

It's one of those foods that I could eat by the bucket load. Where are you getting Gobi 65 from? Because obviously I want that real bad now. If you go to any South Indian restaurant, the best place to go to get Gobi 65 has ever been to one of those South Indian restaurants where it looks like they just put up picnic tables in the restaurant. The furniture is absolutely fucking shocking.

And you have to take your own alcohol with you. It's worth it for their Gobi 65. Their Gobi 65 will almost always be exceptional. It's so great, bro. I love the fact it's called Gobi 65. I don't know why it's making me laugh so much every time you say it. I've never looked up why it's called Gobi 65. I'm going to Google it now.

I do want to know quite a lot. Could it be that there's 65 different spices in it? That seems mad, doesn't it? It feels weird, like in the same way that they might call it KFC 11. Yeah. It is a symbol of machoism to be able to eat the most chilies. An enterprising hotelier capitalized on this and cooked up the dish Chicken 65,

denoting that 65 chilies were used for every kilogram of chicken. Some chefs believe it is called so because of the 65 ingredients used in making it. So actually, opinions differ here. It doesn't taste like... It's not very hot. It's not challenging to eat. It's deep fried, right? Yeah, perfect.

I'm on the Wikipedia for it. I imagine this is the first bit of traffic it's got in a while. I don't think many people are going on the Gobi 65 Wikipedia. Like Aubergine, cauliflower is one of those things that just takes on flavor and fat so nicely. I love a cauliflower dish. I've got to be honest with you. Having done this podcast now,

I'm starting to think I'm less of the culinary genius that I thought I was. It turns out that I just like spicy deep fried things. I don't have quite the discerning palette that I suspected before I did this podcast. I came on and I thought it was going to be great. I'm going to share some of my insights. You just like salt, heat and oil. One account claims that the dish emerged

as a simple meal solution for Indian soldiers in 1965. Oh, here we go. It's also claimed to relate to a requirement for the meat to be from a 65-year-old chicken. Oh. What? Sorry, 65-day-old. Yeah. All right.

It was a fucking Jerry after a chicken. It was disgusting. This is the stringiest thing I've ever eaten. We had to keep it alive for 65 years. It was really hard. It's what Alzheimer's really adds to the flavor of the chicken. Atrophy just makes it delicious. Others claim that it means 65 pieces of chicken.

I mean, that's the most I've ever eaten. No imagination, those people. I think it's because there's 65 pieces in there. Is there? Did you just think about it? Did you just eat 65 pieces of chicken? Yes or no? Does that mean as soon as you've eaten one piece,

we have to change the name of the dish? You just have to keep adding one bucket every time you eat it. About that? Yeah. It's not going to be 65 unless there's 65 pieces. Now, we come to your favorite drink. We've been talking a lot about drinks earlier in the show, your Diet Coke addiction, cocktails that you like.

This is a bit out there, what I'm about to suggest for my drink. That's all I'm saying. All right. Great. And ordinary- Deep-fried Diet Coke. Have you seen?

Have you watched Deep-Fried Masters? Yep. Yes. Of course. Of course we have. Fucking hell. Of course we've watched that. It's literally the show that is most up our street.

As soon as that appeared on Netflix, we were watching that and texting each other whilst we were watching. So have you guys... It's a Deep-Fried Lemonade. Yeah. What the hell is going on? So what I can make out there

is that they've got some sort of cake, a lot of spongy cake that they inject lemonade into until it's absolutely just saturated beyond belief with lemonade. Right. And then they deep-fry that. And then when you eat that,

it just tastes like... So the cake is secondary. Everything's just like... And so is lemonade flooding your mouth then? I think so. Right. I think you bite into it and you get the crispiness of the outside

and then just a burst of lemonade. Do you know what I love about that show? Is they describe the people that have come up with those dishes and they're like, they're the people that have come up with those dishes like they cured cancer. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Derek is responsible for possibly the best-selling Deep-Fried Lemonade in the whole of the South. Yeah. Yeah, look. They put two not Butch Benavides,

one of the judges, Butch Benavides, who came up with loads of stuff, mostly just putting stuff on sticks, putting deep-fried stuff on sticks. Deep-fried cheesecake. Yeah, they talk about him like he's Tesla. It's so funny because

also the things that they judge the food on, you know, some people say, you know, is it the balance of flavours and stuff like that? Can you eat this while you're walking? Yeah. That's one of the biggest criteria. What they mean is, can you eat it on the way to the next snack shack?

Yeah. I'm walking down the midway. Can you hold five of them at the same time? Yeah. Anyway, my drink is raspberry tango ice blast. Brilliant. Amazing.

Absolutely incredible. Now, I can already feel, I can already feel Twitter lighting up as we speak. All the listeners getting on there. You fucking what? That's your dream drink, is it? Raspberry tango ice blast as well.

How specific that is. I can't believe you've picked a drink that you can probably only get from a cinema. That's what makes it so fucking amazing, though. And you can't even get it from a cinema anymore. They've changed to, what's it called, icy. Right. Now, I'm actually,

I already feel like I'm kind of in your corner on this one, to be fair. Explain your reasons why, but I think I get this. I just think it's just unadulterated joy, that drink. I like all icy drinks, but raspberry tango ice blast is the best one I've ever had. Have you had it, by the way?

Yes. I've never had it. So, obviously it's pure sugar. It's blue. So already, that's 50% of the battle won for me. Because blue food is so rare. I think when you do get it, it feels special. Sure.

And every time you take a sip of that drink, and I stand by this, I don't give a fuck what your people tweeting in are going to say, but every time you drink it, you experience the joy of having tasted it for the first time. It is so just delicious. It is so delicious that when my kids ask for a sip of it,

I feel anger. It is so lovely. It is so delicious that I actually start... The first time I tried it, I just thought this is so good. I can't believe how good this is. And then I... Where were you when you first had it?

I was at Crawley Cineworld. Yeah. And I tried... Pardon? What film? I think it was... It might have been Box Trolls. I can't remember.

But anyway, I tried this trick. I thought it was... Box Trolls, by the way. What a fucking harrowing watch that was. There's a part in Box Trolls where there's a voice that comes down and looks like it crushes them all to death, right? And we watched that,

and I just think that's too much peril for a kid's film. Yeah. Because we watched that, and my son turned to me almost like he wanted to cry, and he said, Are they OK, Dad? And I just said to him, Yeah, yeah, of course they're OK.

Thinking, I hope this doesn't have a really fucking dark twist. And there's actually Box Troll Chutney when they bring that voice back up. I'd imagine it didn't soothe them that much that you were probably in the corner of the cinema in the fetal position from all the sugar with a very blue mouth. Big blue beard. Yeah, they're going to be fun.

Tripping balls. So how often can you have this, though? Well, the truth is I can't have it anymore because, well, I could if I go to a cinema that has it, but I can't have it very frequently because crawly have stopped doing it. I actually looked up buying a machine for hope. This is exactly what it was.

Of course. You're doing well, Romesh, but you're not allowed to cook in your own house. I doubt you're allowed a tango blast machine. I'm speaking to you now from the garage, and I've been told that if I wanted a tango blast machine, I could have one in the garage. That's sad, isn't it?

But it's too expensive. It's like two grand or something like that. There's maintenance and stuff like that. I just don't want to make the call to the maintenance guys going, I've got a tango blast machine that needs attention. Which cinema location is it? Actually, it's in my garage. I don't want to have that conversation.

That'd be such a great fact about you that people could bring up on a regular basis. You know the comedian Romesh Ranganathan? He's got his own tango ice blast machine. Gets it serviced and everything. Gets it serviced. He's got to go. Slush puppies versus ice blasts. Do you want to explain to the listeners

why ice blasts are better? I mean, I can't imagine I'd have to, but I will do. The tango ice blast has a sherbety quality to it that isn't present in the slush puppy. Yes. There's kind of a fizzy kind of tang to it that slush puppies don't have.

Don't get me wrong, slush puppies are great, but they're not as nice. They're nowhere near as nice actually as a tango ice blast. Slush puppies, you've got two sips, and then all the colours gone and you've just got ice. Well, actually, that is part of the issue with the tango ice blast. And that's what I was going to ask you. Is it possible to have, in this dream scenario,

have that tango ice blast modified so that it doesn't, you don't get to a point where you've just kind of got ice chips in the bottom of the cup. Is that possible? Yeah, we'll just add ten times to the syrup. We'll just do it. Every sip you have is like that first sip.

Yeah. Yes. Imagine going to the cinema and requesting that because you don't want to, just going, can you do me a favour? I want a tango ice blast, but I like to have it with ten times of syrup. Yeah.

They would say, how about this? How about you get your own machine and put it in your garage, you greedy bastard. Absolutely. One of the things I find fucking infuriating is when you go into the cinema and they tell you that you can't have a tango ice blast and the machine is clearly swirling the stuff around.

And so you've made it. So what are you saying? The problem is what? Unlocking it? Getting into that machine? Where is it? That's because your mum gets to the cinema before you do and tells them to not give you one

because she wants you to get a big six pack. Yeah. When ice blasts first came in, I had a job at Wixity Park in Kettering in the oak tree, which is a catering part of it. And I served ice blasts. I was one of the first people in the UK to man these ice blast machines.

Bet you're a bit starstruck now, Romesh, aren't you? Oh, a little bit. I've got to be honest with you. Sorry, man. You've gone off in my estimation. Yeah. And therefore, I was one of the first people who had to explain to customers

why, when it was still going around, we couldn't serve it to them. So there'd be a little red light next to it. And basically, it was basically kind of starting the whole process again. It's basically starting with the syrup and everything and getting the ice. So it's not ready yet because...

Oh, I see. Essentially, if we did it at that point, you would just get... I mean, you'd probably love it, but you'd just get syrup and no real ice in there or anything like that. And it'd be pretty good. I just...

Did at any point, did they consider sort of making a kind of ice blast shroud that you could kind of put over it when it was out of order? Just because... I guess kind of just to assuage people like me... Yeah. who were just enraged by the idea

that the ice blast appears to be so great. I used to drink it so much. You would have loved this job, Romesh. I was drinking it all the time. And I was... It's good, right? Do you like it, James? Yeah, I love ice blasts. And we had loads of different flavours back then as well.

And I would mix the lime ice blast with the Coke from the soft drink dispenser as well. I was mixing soft drinks and ice blasts together pretty regularly. Fucking hell. I was trying those different combinations and I was trying different ones out with different soft drinks to find the best combination then.

James speaks about his job working the tango ice blast machine with more joy and enthusiasm than I've ever seen him talk about stand-up comedy. Yeah, but it was... I can't argue that. Can I? Absolutely...

Hey, you got me. Thank you, right? That's... That's absolutely true. Try different combinations of stuff together. Any combinations of jokes I've tried on stage. Everybody left me fully in hollow and empty. They've gone home.

Well, during lockdown, Wixie Park is basically like... Looks like it's going to have to close. And I've had a lot of people contact me saying will you sign this petition and get involved in saving Wixie Park? Any of my other places I used to work at, I would have been like, so enough, don't give a shit.

Wixie Park, I'm like, absolutely. Straight away. And is there a job going on the snacks? Yeah, also... Just the oak tree, need a hand. I will volunteer then. I'm going to be interested to hear your dessert now, Romesh, bearing in mind you're coming off the back

of the sweetest drink available. Yeah, you're already on the sugar high. That's not going to stop me, guys. Good on you. I do feel sorry for desserts just because they are great. But they always come when you're sort of least hungry. So I'd like kind of...

I kind of, before the dessert, I'd love either the opportunity to take like a half an hour walk, or if you were able to magic that feeling of having had that walk, that would help me enjoy the dessert. Well, we can put a treadmill at your table. It's kind of what I asked for.

Just trying to work out practical ways of doing this, you know? Doesn't want to do the actual thing. Well, how about... Yeah, well, it's magic. You'll walk and give you a six pack. You feel like you've had a walk and a six pack has emerged. Well, now you're making me and my mum. Yeah, very much. No, but I do feel like I always get excited about desserts,

particularly now as like more and more vegan ones have become available. But... And then by the time it comes round, I end up ordering it even if I don't want it, because I feel like, oh, well, they've done a vegan dessert. I should have it. But anyway, to cut a long story short, which the ship has sailed on that, I believe,

I really love the vegan donuts from Crosstown Donuts. Now, I don't know if you've tried these. Yes. They're pretty phenomenal. That's one of the places where I would opt for the vegan choice, probably, anyway. Oh, my God. Because it's just as good, if not better.

They are so delicious, man. You know, like, they've got the... Because sometimes with donuts, the sweet filling plus the sweet dough is too much. But Crosstown Donuts, they do this thing where they'll put, like, rhubarb in the centre, and the tartness of the rhubarb cuts against the sweetness of the donut so beautifully.

I absolutely love it. I... Oh, God, they're so incredible. I think Crosstown got me into donuts because I don't think I was a massive donut guy before that, but Crosstown Donuts, I'm all over that. Absolutely love Crosstown. Really good. Well, I think the problem with a lot of donuts is they just think more is more.

So they add, like, shit on the top of it and they make it like it is kind of monster confection. But actually, what you want is something where the flavours complement each other. And Crosstown absolutely nailed that. It's so, so good. I had an awful, I had an awful situation where I was doing a writer's day

and one of the people that were there had sort of heard that I... Or I think they were the ones that introduced me to Crosstown. Anyway, they turned up with a box full of Crosstown Donuts and they'd got, like, six vegan ones. And they said, Romesh, I've got you vegan donuts. And I was at that time trying to... I was sort of hoping to get some of myself as an expert,

trying to restrain myself from eating that kind of stuff. But because they'd gone to the trouble of doing it, I felt like I should eat these vegan donuts. So I ate quite a few of them. Yeah. I hate to point out to you, Romesh, but you have ordered something else that's just another deep-fried thing.

Oh, God. Do you know what that pause was? It wasn't even... I genuinely felt bleak. Yeah, I saw it in your eyes. I saw you go, because I knew you felt bad about that anyway. We were talking about the Gobi 65, but you've just ordered... Yeah, but, you know, the one consolation I have from The Hellish,

is at least a tango. The ice block's not deep, right? So I'm not a haven. It is the only time on this podcast... We've done a lot of episodes of this podcast now. It is the only time on this podcast where a guest... I've looked at a guest, and the look on their face literally says,

what have I done? Like... I've never seen that before, but Papa, like, what have I done and regret like it's real? Because he came into this all like, oh, we can't wait to give some of my opinions on food and show off what a foodie I am.

Deep-fried chicken. Deep-fried chicken, the starter. Deep-fried cauliflower. Donut. Do you know what makes it even more disgusting? The sort of connoisseur-y way I describe the rhubarb going to the donut. Like, are some sort of fucking cordon blur...

Distinguished... No, it's just another deep-fried thing with sugar on it, actually. Sorry to burst your bubble. What you're complimenting the food on is something to cut through all the sugar you've been stuffing your fucking face with. Talking like a character from The Clubs. I mean, I think you should do a thing where,

at the end of the podcast, you go, so do you still think you're a foodie? Do you? Because there's absolutely no... I think you are. I think you are. You're my kind of foodie. I love all this stuff. That was delicious. Crosstown Donuts. I've actually not had a donut from Crosstown Donuts because, coming back to the things we've been saying

quite a lot in this episode, I think I would love them too much and so would I. With every donut chain I've done this, I've lived literally opposite a donut time... Donut time are good as well. Donut time is so good. And for like three years, I lived opposite a donut time and I didn't go in there once because I was like, I can't. And then a week before we moved, I had one and then I think I had about five in a week

because I was like, oh my God, this is the best thing ever. And then started taking anybody who visited me, if my family visited me, we'd go into town and get some donut time donuts. Crosstown Donuts. Now, if I have family visit, I take people to Crosstown Donuts because I know they're the best donuts that everyone talks about and yet I still haven't had one. I don't know what they taste like. So I've taken family members there and watched them eat these donuts

knowing that it's too dangerous for me. Do they find it weird that you take them to a place that you're sort of recommending and then sit there and just watch them eat the donut? Yeah, and then they're like, you don't have one? No, never have. Nor would I. Enjoy. Yeah, so enjoy that. Romesh likes it, the Deep Fried Master himself.

The original Deep Fried Master, Romesh Ranganathan. Put a trend of eating as we call it. Oh my God, this is so fucking... Honestly, man, I'm not fucking about. I forgot that on top of everything. So the only course of this whole menu that isn't Deep Fried is your drink. And during the drink course, you went on a complete tangent

about the show Deep Fried Masters. Before you chose your drink, you asked us to clarify what Deep Fried Lemonade is. Yeah, before I choose my drink, what is Deep Fried Lemonade? Because I might want that. It's possible that I might need the drink to be Deep Fried. If your answer is satisfactory to me, I will be choosing Deep Fried Lemonade.

Yeah, first of all, some research. What is Deep Fried Lemonade? Oh, God, this can't go out. But what flavour donut is it from Crossdown Donuts? He said vegan ones, basically. There's one with raspberry and custard or something like that, but it's got raspberry in the middle of it, and it's been Deep Fried. They fucking kill me.

Oh, I love it. Right, well, I'm going to mid your order back to you now. Oh, God. Just to see how you feel about it. Here we go. Sparkling water. Now, how do you want that cooked? So amazing, isn't it?

I'm sparkling water so that I don't indulge myself with a diet coke. Yeah. For the rest of the meal, I'm fucking having a... Let's not forget. You wanted Papa Doms, but you turned them down because you knew you'd have too many of them. Yeah, but you wanted the fried Papa Doms, but instead you went for plain bread.

Started out with good intentions. Start vegan chicken and waffles from Urban Vegan Kitchen in New York. But only up to the bite where it still tastes good. Main course. Mums cooking. White rice. Soya curry. Aubergine curry.

Yellow dial. Masala dosa. Side. Gobi 65. Because that's how many times it's Deep Fried. Drink. Raspberry tango ice. That's when it turns for me.

That's when it took a turn. That's when you realise. And dessert. Vegan cross-town donuts. Brackets. The moment the rice was being the custard in it. It's so funny how arrogantly I was criticising my dad for Deep-Frying boiled eggs.

Like I was better than him. I am him. It looks like the Deep-Fried apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Amazing. I think that is a good menu though, or Deep-Frying aside. That does sound absolutely delicious. Yeah, yeah. I've got no problem with any of that rubbish.

Fucking hell. This is bad. Fucking hell. Romesh, thank you very much for coming to the dream restaurant. You've been marvelous. Thanks very much. Thanks for having me. And certainly you're going to leave me with some questions

to ask myself when I leave. That's what we like. Well, there we are. The Deep-Fried special of off menu with Romesh and Nathan. Whoa. There was a theme and a half to that. It's not often we send a guest away and I fear we have done actual psychological damage,

but that's the vibe I got at the end of that recording. Yep. I think Romesh is going to be reassessing his entire life and how he lives it from now on. That was pretty, pretty worrying. Yep. Well, and he didn't say dried limes though. Of course he didn't.

He probably said Deep-Fried limes at some point. Yeah, nearly. Nearly tried to. I bet that was on the cards. And we just realised, haven't we James? This is episode 65. Yeah. Go be 65.

Go be 65. That's very exciting. All the 65 talk. We didn't even know what episode this was going to be. So that's why can someone go on the Go be 65 Wikipedia page and edit it to say that people think it might be called Go be 65 because it was spoken about on episode 65 of off menu by Romesh and Nathan.

Yes. So like I say, this is series four. Very exciting to be back. We've not been away that long to be fair. But spread the word, tell people about it. Why not tweet us? Follow us on Twitter or Instagram at off menu official on both of those.

Do not tweet us and ask, hey, is there a list of those restaurants? What restaurant do they mention in that episode? You don't need to do that. Just go on the website, offmenu.org. And on that website is a whole list of restaurants. The Great Benito has taken a long time to write that list. So they're all there with links and everything. Lovely guests at the website there, James.

It's offmenupodcast.co.uk. Yes. Also, why not leave us a review on iTunes? Give us five stars. You can write a few sentences about why you like it, but mainly the stars is what counts. But just go on there as long as five stars. Will you do that for me, James?

Will you give us five stars? I'll do it, Ed. I'll go on there. Anything to help up my buddy's podcast. Thanks, mate. Well, looking forward to the rest of the series. We've got some absolutely brilliant episodes coming up. But for now, keep on munching.

Keep on munching. Keep on lunching. Keep on crunching. It's Microscope, the improvised comedy show from the award-winning John Kearns and me, Matt Ewing, an all-round nice guy. Where's it available? I'll tell you.

iTunes, Spotify, Acast, and all the other places you get podcasts from. It's Microscope. Hello, it's me, Amy Glendale. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato and our relationship's never been the same since.

And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case... Get him on, James and Ed, but we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News.

It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North because, look, we're two Northerners. Sure, but we've been living in London for a long time. The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News.

We'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glendale's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening.

There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.