Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 67: Aparna Nancherla

Episode Date: July 29, 2020

Comedian and writer Aparna Nancherla has booked a table in the dream restaurant this week. And, finally, James’s Diet Coke story gets an upgrade.Follow Aparna Nancherla on Twitter: @aparnapkinRecorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive Productions.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? And I would recommend poking the top of this podcast with a spoon to let some of the steam out, because it's so hot. Welcome to the Off Menu podcast. Ed Gamble there, talking into a microphone. My name is James A. Caster. Yes, that's right. I talk into the microphone. That is the bare minimum of what I do. This is the Off Menu podcast. It's a food podcast, but we ask a special guest. Their favourite ever, starter, main course, dessert, side dish, and drink. And this week's

guest is... A Pana Nanchela. Thank you for getting there first. She is a wonderful comedian, writer, actor. She's a triple threat. So good. We're so lucky to have her on the podcast. We're very excited. However, if she does say a secret ingredient, which is an ingredient we do not like, we're forced to chuck a Pana out of the dream restaurant. She will be out of here. And the secret ingredient this week is... Mead.

Mead. Ah. Tis many an evening I have been heavy with mead. Yep. Ed's been speaking like this a lot. We've been playing a card game in the evenings that Benito bought with him to LA. This is where we are right now. We're in Los Angeles. We're in Los Angeles and we've been playing a medieval card game in the evenings. Yep. Called Love Letters. And we've been playing that. And when we play Love Letters, which is when you're trying to get a love letter to the princess, Ed keeps putting on a voice of a noble knight, I guess, for medieval times. Aye.

And he says about being heavy with mead. And I'm so sick of it, I've made it the secret ingredient. After a long day on the battlefield, one must crack the breastplate, loosen the straps and become heavy with mead. It's really disturbing how easily it rolls off the tongue with him. He's not prepared any of this. He just immediately speaks like a knight. Doesn't have to think about it. Sire, let your chainmail drop to the floor. Tonight. Yep. He's laughing at himself now. He's just really laughing about it. Try it at home. Try

and get through a whole sentence to speak like a knight and see how difficult it actually is. And then be really amazed at how easily it comes to him every time. You okay there, buddy? Madame, your bosom is heaving. Okay, well. Meet me in the barn for a roll in the hay. My squire will wait outside and make sure Doth Lady does not catch us. See, imagine that for a week. Imagine this for a whole week.

I know your course, it befuddles you, but one slip of the sword, the whole thing will pop off. I mean, I guess I've been pretending to be a genie for a long time. He needs a thing. He's now being a knight. Aye. Maybe it will become a regular part of the podcast. We'll see. This is the off menu feast of Aparna Nanchela. Welcome Aparna to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you so much. Welcome Aparna Nanchela to the Dream Restaurant. Wow, it's so nice to be here. Would you like an amuse-bouche? Yes. What are we having tonight? Oh, see, this is what, it's a new addition to the format that James gives an amuse-bouche to the guests, but he always tries to think of it on the hoof and he's clearly... Fondue cheese.

Okay. No dips. Just the dip. Just the dip. Just the melted cheese. No things to put in it. Yeah, no whatever they're called. Candidates.

Candidates? No, the crudities. You've got it. You've got it. You've got it. Did you really think they were called... I thought they were candidates to be dipped? I don't know.

I don't know why I said that. I panic. I panic. I like candidate. It makes it sound like you're accomplishing important work. Yeah, right? Yeah. Or you're not going to select all of them to dip.

Right. You've got, but they all need to make their cases to be used as the dipping thing. Yeah. Yeah. What can you usually dip in? Cheese, bread, vegetables, meats? How? Meats?

Yeah, meats maybe. The fondue is great. I mean, I love fondue. I went to Switzerland once and in the hotel they had fondue night, but you start with the cheese fondue. Yeah. Then it was the meat fondue, which is just like hot oil and you dip raw meat in there. And then chocolate fondue for dessert.

Hello. That's when I arrived. Oh yeah. That's when I wake up. It was actually too much fondue. It was? Yeah. I think after the cheese fondue I was like, I'd like something solid now.

Right. It's so rich. Yeah. We're not built for richness too much of it. No. Do you think it's a class thing? Yeah, maybe it is. What class would you say you are at?

Middle class. You can handle some richness though. Yeah, I can handle some richness. It depends on how we divide in the classes within the classes. Oh, that's true. So you're saying upper middle class? Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, probably then.

Yeah, I think I am too upper middle. And don't get me wrong. I'm completely ashamed of it. Oh, yes. That's part of our identity. It carries your shame with pride. Oh right. Okay.

I carry my shame with pride. I'm proud of my shame. Yes. Yeah. So now we're talking about fondue and it's all I want to talk about. Sorry. Yeah. Yeah, I'm quite excited about it.

But like of those three fondues that Ed mentioned there, how many have you tried? I think I've tried all three because I've gone to a fondue restaurant. Yeah. And those are the three courses. Yeah. But I'm a vegetarian so I don't remember what the meat course, what I did for that course.

She put tofu in there. Maybe. It's hard to skewer tofu, is it? Oh, no. You can skewer it. It just has to be firm. Right. You have to get some firm tofu.

You're not skewering a silken tofu. No. That's a disaster. That's going to be slipping all over the place. Yeah, exactly. And then it just feels like you're in a live animal at that point. Yeah. Yeah.

You could dip something in silken tofu. Yeah. The tofu itself could then be the fondue. Maybe we found the fourth fondue. Also, vegan cheese would kind of like lend itself to being quite fonduey. Yeah. Because it's very plasticky. I think vegan cheese has really made a stronger case for itself lately.

It's a better candidate. Yeah, exactly. It used to be really an underdog. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. You wouldn't go anywhere near it. And an underdog nobody was rooting for. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, not like the Jamaican bobsled tea. Right, right, right, right. No. No. Exactly. I don't know what made it change its tune. Sure. Well, suddenly they realized there's actually money in making good vegan stuff.

Right, right, right, right, right. Like for a while it was like, who cares? Who cares? Have that, you stupid veg. And now it's like, oh, actually. Yeah. We can really... These vegans have got some money to throw around.

Yeah, yeah. That must be what it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I don't know. In LA, do you have like late night like healthy places? Because in the UK, I always think there would be a big... Yeah. Big gap in the market is like late night healthy food.

You can't think of... I feel like all the healthy places close at reasonable hours. Right, yeah, yeah. But who really wants healthy food past 10 p.m.? Me. Yeah, your order goes to McDonald's and gets to the bag of carrots. But it's literally just you. I listened to that episode.

It is just you, I think. I think it's... I like carrots, but something about getting them in a little bag is very sad. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't feel happy when I'm doing it. The baby carrots in a little bag. Yeah, in a little plastic bag. Like, even if you got something about a clear bag is inherently discouraging.

Yeah. And the babies as well. And there's like a few of them. It's like you found like an abandoned litter of kids. Yes, yes. I don't know why. I feel the same way about the airport when like an apple is saran wrapped. Why is it so sad?

Oh, I mean, that is... Yeah, that is never going to be a good apple. No. The elderly sold apples in saran wrap are going to... I bought apples from like convenience stores before when they're like by themselves. Yes. You buy into them. It's like eating a snowball.

Yeah. They just fall apart in your hands. It's saran wrap like cling film. Cling film, yes. Yes. Yeah, it's called cling film. Cling film. That sounds so much better.

This is so clingy. Yeah, it's clingy. I got a sandwich once from a place in a little stall in Suffolk station outside Suffolk tube station and he'd wrapped it in cling film and I unwrapped it and it was just like covered in so much oil. Like you just got the sandwich. It was like a ham salad sandwich and just dunked it in a vat of olive oil and it was the most delicious sandwich ever.

That was really a twist at the end. Yeah, absolutely loved it. I was chomping it down. So excited about it. I thought I'm going to go to that place all the time and here's the real twist. It was never there again. What? That guy was never there.

So then sandwiches again. I've never seen him since. That burnt down 50 years ago. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe, yeah. Is it ghost sandwich? Yeah.

Is it ghost sandwich? That guy died in an oil fire. Oh no. Everything was covered in oil. He was tempting fate a little bit. Yeah. That guy was so much dunking. It was literally like he'd just gone into a meat fondue maybe.

Wow. So yeah, maybe that'd be quite a nice sandwich to have. This has been dipped in fondue. Oh yeah. Do you guys have French dip sandwiches? Ah. Okay. Now, we don't really.

It's more of a thing here, isn't it? I mean, I don't even know I'm a vegetarian but my boyfriend loves them. It's like a sandwich you dip in a sort of, I guess like a fondue. Yeah. In like meat juice basically, isn't it? Yeah. There's a place called dip and flip in Battersea that I think does the French dip sandwich. Dip and flip.

Dip and flip. Yeah. Do you like names like that, rhyming names? Yeah. I'm a sucker for a rhyming name and a pun name. Yeah. I don't know if it'll necessarily get my business but I'll see it on the street and I will not at it.

Yeah. Give it a nod. We always start off with still a sparkling on the podcast. Water, by the way. I normally say still a sparkling water that time. I nearly didn't. Not fondue. Yeah.

We're not offering you a fizzy fondue. Oh, fizzy, a carbonated fondue. I'm going to say sparkling water. Lovely. Really gotten into seltzer. I don't know. Is there a difference between sparkling water and seltzer? I can't tell.

So yeah, we weren't really that familiar with seltzer until this trip. We're new to the world of seltzer. Yeah. I've gone hog wild for it and joined quite a lot of it. Yeah. And I would say it's not as lively as sparkling water. I don't find it, it's not like, whoa, you know, this is fizzy. Yeah.

Okay. It's not a party in your mouth. It's more of a gathering in your mouth. Yeah. A somber gathering. Yeah. It's awake. Yeah.

It's awake. For an actual fizzy drink. Yeah. Yeah. I also really took off here because people are like, oh, it's like flavors, but no calories. Right. Yeah. But then, but then I recently read an article that said it might be bad for your teeth.

Right. Yeah. I really felt betrayed. But it's always going to be the case. Yeah. We've always, we've always got to accept now anytime people say this is good for you. There's a catch. Right.

Yeah. Right. Something hanging around the corner. Oh, actually, it's also, it's bad for your teeth or, you know, it gives you some awful disease later down. Like Diet Coke is always like that. Oh, yes. People always saying like about Diet Coke actually being bad because you're all these awful diseases

and you shouldn't drink it. But then there they're glugging the full fat one. I don't know. Full fat just made me think of a regular Coke as like whole milk. Yeah. The whole milk of Coke. Like pools of oil on the top. Yeah.

Yeah. Like Diet Coke's bad for you now or cells is bad for your coffee's bad for you. I just think I'll just start smoking again. If that's the way we're going to. It's true. Yeah. I'll just get stuck into a lovely bucket of cigarettes. What's the point?

Yeah. Why try? You're right. It's all bad. Being alive is bad for you. Yeah. Always ends the same. And it's never good.

Ed, do you want to tell a partner my Diet Coke story? Yes. James stopped drinking all caffeine a while ago. Yes. And including Diet Coke because that's got caffeine in it. Yes. And then after many years, he decided to start drinking Diet Coke again because he needed to wake himself up for something.

And because it had been so long since he drunk any Diet Coke or Coke, Diet Coke now just tastes like normal Coke to James. Yes. What? How's that for a life hack? Now, what's that story more exciting when Ed told it? So I've told it, I've told it many times on the podcast and it always gets nothing and I guess take it.

I thought I would try it this time with Ed telling it. Was it better? I think because you told him to tell it, I thought there was some element of shame for you. Yes. So I was automatically invested in it. Right. Yes.

There's a bit more like, oh. Yeah. Yeah. Someone's gone on here. Should next time I tell it, should I add a more shameful element to it? And then he drank Diet Coke again and he immediately shared his pants. I do think if someone gives you permission to tell their story, you have full license to hear from the facts.

You can do what they like. Like Tim Burton, Remaking Planet of the Age. Yeah. Exactly. Okay. Also, I liked your version of it. Ed, it was nice, but I would say just some feedback. Sure, sure, sure.

You missed out. You weren't as precise and specific about some details. You said like, James is all caffeine, but you didn't say like it was like how long ago it was. It's 2013. I usually pinpoint it. No, I definitely made it less boring. It was five years later.

You said some years went by. It was five years later and then I started drinking. Because I bring sort of a natural element to the storytelling. Sure. You know, people don't care about dates and things like that. You know, I'm more of an anecdotalist than James and he's more of a sort of science guy. Okay. Apana, would you like to have a turn at telling the story?

I know you've heard it once. Yeah. Okay. I can try. I can try. Okay. So James, you stopped drinking caffeine at a time in your life when you really didn't want to be awake.

Yes. And then five years later, all of your relationships started falling apart. Professionally, you were off track. So you decided you had to add some caffeine back to the mix and you went for Diet Coke. The regular Coke was there for you, but you couldn't handle the impact. Regular Coke at that point because you were weak from the lack of caffeine. And so now Diet Coke gives you the same kick from regular Coke. And at this point, a regular Coke might in fact kill you.

That was the best anyone's ever told. Yeah. Quite easily the best has ever been told. Brilliant. Loved it. Yeah. I think that's one of those lines in there. About your relationship falling apart.

Yeah. Funny lines. Add depth to it. I was more invested in the story. Yeah. Maybe because of what you live in LA. You're already plugged into like, what? The people actually want to hear.

What's trending? To make people care about the character. His relationships fell apart. Yeah. He was too weak at that point. Right. It was much better. I was more invested in that.

It felt like a pretty powerful story. Is that how you'd pitch it to a studio perhaps? Yeah. Yes. Definitely. Would you want James in the room when you were pitching that to the studio? I would bring him in at the end to say, and now if you believe it, you can meet the man that I was talking about.

Yeah. And he walks in drinking a Diet Coke. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for this regular Coke. What? A partner? I thought this was a regular Coke.

That's what I was drinking. Pop it up with some bread. Pop it up with some bread. A partner. Oh, see, I'm ready because I listened. Yeah. Bread. Didn't scare you proper.

What bread are we going with? I want like a crusty bread, but not too tough. Uh-huh. Yeah. But like warm out of the oven. Yes. Now, I like that you specified not too tough. Because sometimes trying to rip it apart with your teeth.

Yeah. And you can't. You feel everyone looking at you? Yeah. Yeah. So this might just be me, but I did eat meat as a child. And I remember sometimes I couldn't chew it small enough. Yes.

And I would have to. This is probably too much information. I would take it out and put it on my plate. And then I'd be like, I'll come back to it. And you never did. And that's why you're a vegetarian. Yeah. That's how I feel about meat.

So you divide the bread up. Oh, sorry. I was talking about meat. Oh, this is meat. Sorry. Oh, yeah. That would be all. I mean, it's bad enough putting the meat on your plate.

If it was bread, put it in the horrible gloves. Bread, I feel like at least once you get it ripped off and in your mouth, it does soften a bit. It does some of the work itself, right? Yeah. Yeah. But I love the idea of you going, just like delegating the bits of meat and just be like, I'll get back to you.

Don't you go anywhere but of meat? Pre-chewed. Would you ever get, would you always get back to the meat or would, would eventually you try to? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. I think that's a really good sign that you definitely should have become a vegetarian. Anyway, if there's anyone listening who eats meat like that, you've got to go to veggie

and eat asap for the sake of everyone around you at meals. Because, I mean, eating meat is terrible for the environment. We know that now. What's worse for the environment is half eating meat and then putting it back on the plate. Also, I find it was a really tough bread. I'm really self-conscious of everyone looking at me. And I try and get my head down further and further so people can't see my mouth. Yeah.

My forehead's pretty much on the table. I'm trying to eat the bread. That's why it's good to have like an oil to dip it in. Yeah. Oh, so you're using the oil, not as a flavor thing, you're using it to soften the bread so it slips down easier. Well, when it's tough, I find sometimes the oil helps. But usually I just want it for flavor.

Yeah. Yeah. What is that? A donut? In my head? Yeah. On my head? Yeah.

Nice. And then suddenly out of nowhere I said, what is that? A donut? And the partner didn't blip. She was just like on my head. I don't know what to go over. The listeners now think I came in wearing a donut on my head and it was only referenced at this point.

Yeah, I can see it. Only certain people can see the donut. Yeah, I had no idea. It just means, yeah, it means I'm not sensitive or something. I can't see the donut on a partner's head. Like a little hat. A donut on the partner's head. No, it's like a hairpin, right?

It's a hairpin with a donut on it. A hairpin donut on it. Yeah. Do you remember the bagel head trend in Japan where people would get plastic surgery to make it look like there was a bagel in their forehead? What? Okay, you're looking at me like I'm crazy, but if you Google it, it was a thing. They got surgery.

What? They got surgery to make it look like there was a bagel under their forehead. Well, sitting opposite me is the great Benito. He just Googled it. I've never seen him look more horrified in his life. It was absolutely like he's going to cry. It's a thing though. Why?

Why did they do that? I don't know why. Was it like an advertising thing for a bagel chain where they were like, I'm always thinking about bagels? I don't know. I could never really get an explanation for why it became... It looked like it was embedded in their foreheads. Yeah, that's the worst thing I've ever seen.

What is that lady doing? I'm going to walk around and have a little peek. Yeah. On the table? Have a little look. It's pretty bad. That's really bad. That is horrible.

So what you're doing is like a sort of... You don't have to commit as much. I know much. Yeah, it is an homage to that, but without... The thing is, there's a lot of pictures on the Google image of like three friends together and they've all had it done. Which is, you know, if they're together, that's fine, but they're going to have to do tasks by themselves at some point.

And they're going to lose all of their confidence with that. Oh God, when I was with my other bagel buddies, it was absolutely fine and now I'm out in the world. Who is... Oh God. I'm also wondering where are they now? Because this was like, you know, five years ago when you were off of caffeine. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I wonder if they got them removed or how you get back to your life. If you even get that removed, you have to be scar in your head. Like extra skin. Do you think they can... If they don't want to have it on display, they can push it under their hair or something and maybe put a hat on? Yeah. Yeah, just further around to the top of their head.

Hopefully. Yeah, I would hope so. One of those monsters on Sesame Street when they pressed the top of their head against... That one. Those ones. Do you push it up like a little pillbox hat? Yes. Oh, that is a partner.

I'm so sorry. Oh, I can't believe you just bought that into our lives. So sorry. For your bread you'd like a head bagel. Is this what you want? You want to eat it on your own head? I just want... No, I just want the bread.

You want it warm with some oil to dip it in? Yeah. Oh. That's really knocked you, hasn't it, James? I know. I really put a... That was horrific. I love stuff like that.

Put a dent in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like to know that now because I can see how it's affected you. Yeah. It's affected a lot of people out there and that's the sort of thing in a social situation, like Apana did, I'm going to say, like, did you hear about the bagel head trend in Japan? Yeah. Let me show you a picture.

Yeah, I mean, definitely. If there's ever a conversation happening that's flagging, you can bring that up. Is that what you were doing? Hold on a second. Was this flagging now? Apana? But who knows? Maybe it was not that popular.

Maybe it was like six people and they all just took a lot of photos. Yeah, I mean, to be fair, that's all it would take, right? I mean, I can't really see it catching up. But then if it's six people, how do you become the first person to do it? I don't know. I think it's you and someone else have got to do it at the same time, right? There's not one... There's not one trendset to be like, people are going to follow in my footsteps here.

Yeah. I'm going to put a bagel in my forehead. Yeah. And then next thing you know, we're getting the whole deli counter in there. Oh, yeah. The whole face looks like that. What's that painting when there's a guy's face made up of fruit and vegetables? Oh, I know what you mean.

The harvest one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it would look like that soon. Yeah. That's what we'll be walking around like in the future. Apana, if you had to have one food stuff beneath your skin, what would it be? Good question and good sound to respond to the question. And people can see the shape.

Yeah, because it would be mostly other people looking at it. Yeah. So what would be the least upsetting thing to put under there? Definitely not like a banana. Banana was my first thought for what I would have. Yeah. No, no prices for guessing where they'd have it as well. So you put a banana up my...

Huh? It has to be on the face because it's visible. Oh, it has to be on the face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What you were trying to do yourself some favors. Maybe a small chocolate chip just near my hairline. Just a single chocolate chip. Yeah.

Near my hairline. Yeah, you've done well there actually. You've found a loop of... I didn't think they had to be on your face. Oh, I thought I heard Peter. I have my answer. We'll set up ready to go. What was it?

Dorito on my back. It's a little too sharp. Who comes your starter, Apana? My starter. I decided to go with scallion pancakes. Aha. Chinese food appetizer. Lovely.

Are those an appetizer? I don't think they are. Chinese food? I don't think I've had them. I'm thinking... Scallion pancakes, I'm almost thinking of... It's Japanese, but economy-yaki stuff. But that's cabbage, right?

Yeah. And also, I've had kimchi pancakes in Korean cuisine as well. But I guess there's sort of, you know... There's... Within all world cuisine, there's shared things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's always a pancake knocking around. That's...

Rightly so. Now, scallions... Are they spring onions? Yeah. Are they the exact thing? That's what we call them. I can't tell if they're the same thing. I think they're the same thing.

Yeah, I think so. I like the word scallions more in that case. Because it makes you sound like a pirate, right? It makes you sound like a pirate. And also, you know, there's all the onions. I think the spring onions is just not adding anything. It doesn't make it feel like its own thing as much. I think scallions is more fun.

So yeah, I prefer that. Yeah, okay. If you're asking. So you'd have these with a Chinese meal, you'd get these. They're just like crispy and oily. Crispy and oily. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, we've already established that you'd love them, then, if they're covered in oil. They're covered in oil? Oh, absolutely. You love them. As a point. And they're sold next to a cheap station even better. Are they spicy? No.

Not at all? Just like a little doughy. Little doughy. Just a nice way to start the meal. Yeah. Get the jaw going. So hold on. Is it like proper pancakes with scallions in them?

Or is it completely made of scallions? Pancakes with scallions in them. Why would it be completely made of scallions? Wouldn't that just be a scallion? A lot of the Konamiaki pancakes, they just haven't got any. Oh, that's true. They just completely made a cabbage and stuff and with some noodles and things like that. They haven't got pancake facts in it.

They've got egg in them, though, right? I don't know. Maybe. This is a very James A. Caster thing to go into a discussion with full authority and immediately back down when confronted by a fax. Yeah, yeah. Like he's not like he's not, but he's never been bothered all along. Yeah.

I don't know. Maybe you're the one who started. There's a whole lot of scallions in anyway. When I talk about scallions. It's a very light way to start the meal as well. It is. Yeah. But I don't know.

They're kind of oily, so maybe they're a little bit rich. A little bit decadent as well. Yeah. I think I always, whenever I get things like that, I always get loads of other stuff as well. So I never appreciate that. So whenever I get Korean food, I'll order everything. Yeah.

And then I've got like kimchi pancakes and I'll just wolf them down along with about these other things. Right. And then, you know, I eat too much, guys. There's a lot of regret after he's eaten it, doesn't it? Yeah. But he exercises. He looks like a lovely boy.

Yeah. But it feels real bad if he eats too much food. Oh, so full. I'm going to do it tonight and I can't wait. We're going to have such a big banquet tonight apart. Really? At the Oscars? Yes.

At the Oscars. We're going to go and sit in a car outside the Chinese theater. Yeah. And we're going to eat a big bag of food. And then we're going to eat these scallion pancakes. And we're going to open the back door and then any stars who are coming out, we're going to say, we're the real Oscars party. Yeah.

We're the real winners. Yeah. Look at my fin. How many of these pancakes you're having and how big are they? They're about the size of like maybe like a saucer. Uh-huh. And then they cut them up into maybe six or eight pieces. Okay.

And then you dip the pieces in like a soy type sauce. Can't go wrong with soy sauce. Yeah. And there's very few savory things that aren't improved by dipping it in soy. I've started putting soy on eggs in the morning. Oh, that sounds good. Hit me out. That's the secret you kept from me.

I'll make an omelet or I'll make scrambled eggs. I'll use some Chinese chili oil with the real crispy bits in it. I'll put a little bit of that on. And then dunk a load of soy sauce on the top of it. Yum. Oh, I'm in heaven. And immediately, and I mean immediately, every single time, get heartburn. Really?

The Chinese chili oil gives me heartburn immediately. Oh, no. And at no point do I think, well, I probably shouldn't have this tomorrow. I know. I know that's what's giving me heartburn. Yeah. First mouthful, hearts on fire. Well, that's that again.

Yeah. Continue to eat it. Here we are again. Keep on eating it. Oh, no. Every single time. It's like your Groundhog Day. Yeah.

A very boring version of Groundhog Day where Bill Murray's been like, ooh. He just has a renny. My heartburn. And he does the same thing every day as well. You learn from it or change it, change it. Same thing every day. It's the Chinese fire oil or whatever it is. Yeah.

Oh, man. I love eggs though. I've had scallion pancakes with eggs. Oh, wow. Yeah. There's a place in Chinatown in New York that makes sandwiches with scallion pancakes. Oh, what's it called? Vanessa's Dumpling House.

Yeah. Oh, Vanessa. Vanessa is doing sterling work out there. I'll tell you what, put someone's name like that at the top of a restaurant. I'm more likely to go there. Or I'll nod at it at least. Yeah. Vanessa's.

I even know this Vanessa character is, but I'm like, okay. It feels like a nice, homely, personal vibe that I'm going to go in there. A name and a pun. You guys will be all over that. Oh, yeah. That's probably why in my favorite place in America to go and get food is Trader Joe's. Is that a name and a pun? No, no.

The pun's for you. The name is for me. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. There's no, there's no pun there. Yeah. You'd want to be like Traders of the Lost Ark or something. Right.

Yeah. That's what you would prefer. Yeah. Yeah. Very good, Ed. Thank you. Yeah. You would like Traders of the Lost Ark.

I would. Or they do Cowboy Bark, don't they? Yeah. In Trader Joe's. So Traders of the Lost Bark. Yes. Very good. Yeah.

And then someone eating the Cowboy Bark on the front. Do you like Trader Joe's? Hopefully. I do. I think they have good, like the frozen section. They have a lot of stuff you can cook easily. That's good. Absolutely.

An absolute nightmare with the frozen section this week. We've got Trader Joe's on our doorstep here. Yeah. And basically when these guys booked the accommodation, they did that as a little treat for me. And my favorite thing in Trader Joe's is the frozen banana slices dipped in dark chocolate. And they've twice been to that Trader Joe's now and they're not there. They're not there. They've run out of them.

They're gone. out and they haven't stocked them back up among us. Well, to be fair, we went quite late one night, the night we arrived, and then first thing the next morning, and James is going, they've not restocked it. They haven't restocked it.

As if they're restocking every hour, because we've run out of banana slices, bringing another truck. We'd restock it every morning. Come on, guys, you know, make sure everything's fully stocked for the next wrap of customers. They must be really popular in this neighborhood.

Whenever I walk around Trader Joe's, and I normally do when I come to America, I always think they're taking it for granted. We have nothing as good as that in the UK, Trader Joe's. Do you mean all the people? All the people are walking around like it's a normal supermarket. Everyone should be walking around rejoicing

and singing about how much they love Trader Joe's. It's always overcrowded, though. Yeah, that's true. The ones in New York are crazy. Lines all the way around, but everyone looks sad to be in there. They should be so happy. You should be singing Hallelujah.

Yeah. That's true. Hallelujah, sing Hosanna. I think we're a very good country about taking things for granted. Yeah, sure, sure. It's one of our top qualities. Yeah, you do it very well. Yeah.

Do you appreciate how good you are at taking things for granted, or do you take it for granted? What do you think? I was in New York in the Trader Joe's, and the queue was really, really, really long. And I've been in this queue for ages, and I was getting round to the front,

and there's this old lady, she was so old, and she'd got herself in there. She deliberately got in everyone's blind spot, and was slowly, with her trolley, just trying to cut in. And me, and this lady who was in front of me, saw her trying to do it.

And we both kind of exchanged a look, and we're like, yeah, she's not getting past us. And we managed to basically walk in such a way that she couldn't do it, and then everyone else kind of followed the way that we were walking. But what it meant was, an old lady got trapped in like, there was this little corner of shit,

the way where these shelves met, and she was just there, and just couldn't get out. And I don't know, she was like, there for quite a while. How old was she? And she's still there. Like, one of the oldest people I've ever seen. So she didn't have time to queue,

she's gotta get out of there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I should've just let her cut in. But like, I have- Get on with her last minute of life. But I was really, really excited about getting my banana slices. I think when I'm really old, I'm gonna try to do things like that.

Like cutting the line? You're gonna be that person. Cause they say that old people are invisible to society. So you gotta start trying to take advantage of that. You saw the old lady, I think- I saw her, yeah, yeah, oh, old people become visible when they're trying to get in, in the way of you and your banana slices.

She probably fell in the freezer section, and now she's gonna live forever. Yeah, she's cryogenically frozen. Oh, right. She's next to the banana slices. Oh, that would be quite the- I would probably move her out the way to get to the banana slices. Is there a food stuff for you, Apana,

that you would happily move an old lady's body out of the way to get? Yeah. I think probably multiple food stuff. Oh, yeah. I love food so much. I probably just give in some cheese slices. Just regular grocery shopping.

You've been like, you're kind of getting in my way now, old lady body. There's so many old ladies in this supermarket. Now, when you guys go grocery shopping, do you always leave with something you did not intend to buy? I think I do at least three to five items I didn't plan to buy, yeah. It depends how hungry I am,

and it depends if I'm drunk. The worst sort of shopping to do is if you're a bit tipsy and you're hungry, I think, is an absolute nightmare. Yeah, I'd say I do end up with stuff that I'm normally at science cream, and I wasn't intended to buy it. But also, I think when I go into a supermarket, I'm like, I want to cook this meal

or I need to buy basic supplies. When you go into a supermarket, James, you're already, your list is like frozen banana slices covered in chocolate, chocolate, ice cream. Anyway, so the extra things you buy, there's nothing left. You've been looking up my phone. I bumped it as a friend of ours called Ellis James,

who's a stand-up comic back home, and I bumped into him in the supermarket once, and he was laughing his head off while taking a photo of my basket, because I think I had some chocolate milk, basically some children's cereal and into the spider-verse on DVD. He's losing his mind.

I cannot believe you drink chocolate milk as an adult. Yeah, well, I always see it, and I got quite excited when I saw it. There's actually chocolate and banana milk. That's why I bought it. It was like two in one. That's quite exciting flavor. I can pour that on the kids' cereal.

Yeah, I got the cereal, which is that, yeah, that Rice Krispies cereal, but that's, it's like the shapes one. Right. Most of them, yeah, so it's like, I got the shapes one, I was like, I want to pour this on that. Oh, do you pour the chocolate milk onto the cereal?

That day, that's what I wanted to do. Yeah, yeah. I hadn't planned to do that. I just wanted to get into the spider-verse. You eat. From Sainsbury's. You eat like you smoke weed. Yeah.

Yeah, you do. Yeah. And you don't. I'd imagine you, if you actually smoked weed. Yes. It would be a nightmare. Well, I might have gone the other way. Or maybe it's the opposite.

Yeah. Yeah. Right. Oh, James is making a pak choi stir-fry. He must be absolutely mashed. Yeah. I've talked about conspiracy theories. So your main course.

My main course. My first instinct was a vegetable lasagna. I don't know why I love lasagna so much. It's great. Because it's the most comforting dish out there. It's so comforting. And to me, it's like a fortress of food. Like the structure is like a, it feels impenetrable.

Yeah. Then you get in there. But you've got the code to get in. You've got a little code to get into the fortress. Yeah. The vegetable lasagna is great as well. I think I've had, like, my mum does the roast vegetable lasagna that I think is nicer than a meat lasagna.

Yeah. Well, big claim. It's absolutely delicious. There's more, there's more variety in it because you've got a variety of vegetables. So it's not just the same mince all the way through. Yeah. And it's, yeah, it's flavorsome.

I think I just love layers in my food. Yeah. Like what, there's another layer? But there's all the layers are the same in a lasagna as well. Sometimes they alternate. It'll be like cheese, then vegetables. Sure.

Vegetables. Also, I mean, you're not discovering new layers with lasagna because you're eating kind of like down, unless you eat your lasagna cross-ways. I think I have eaten lasagna before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Just to make it last longer. Yeah, that's fair enough. Yeah. Just the top sheet and then all the cheese. Yeah. That's a fun way of doing it. You could invent a new lasagna where it's a different thing on every layer

and put proper surprise and then eat it down and you can have a full meal in there like a proper Willy Wonka lasagna and end on like chocolate pudding on the bottom. Oh, yeah. Or make the whole thing chocolate pudding. Just have chocolate pudding. Yeah, yeah.

Different layers of chocolate pudding. Why are they not dessert lasagnas? I'm sure someone's done a dessert lasagna. I'm sure someone has. Yeah. I guess there's parfaits. I guess you need sweet pasta. Yeah, great.

That should be doable, right? Is there a dessert gnocchi? No. Feels like there should be again. Yeah, it feels like there should be a little bit disappointed there's not. What would you put in a dessert lasagna? So I would definitely have some marshmallow in there

instead of like the cheese. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd have like marshmallow fluff or whatever for those bits. Yeah, for the Bechamel sort of stuff, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, I'd want maybe like white chocolate sauce for the Bechamel. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

A little bit of white chocolate kind of a melted chocolate situation. It's already the sweetest thing anyone's ever made. Oh, but there would be salted. Both of those elements. You'd throw some salt in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd definitely throw some salt in there

somewhere with all of this. And then I guess in terms of like instead of the pasta sheets, that's a tough one. Yeah. What you'd have instead of that. Fruit roll-ups. Maybe some like, I don't know, like like wafers, like, you know. Yeah.

Like some wafers. Oh, so it's a crunchy. A crunchy. Yeah, so there's some crunch going on in there as well. Now I'm thinking of tiramisu because that's kind of a layered dessert. Yeah. Sort of like a dessert lasagna.

Yeah, maybe like it's just really the cake. The thing is just calling it a dessert lasagna. Then everyone would go along with it because otherwise it's a lot of layered dessert. Yeah. I could totally imagine like coming back to our Airbnb here and finding you eating a full tray of that tonight. Yeah.

It's Oscar's night. Yeah. All the walls is covered in chocolate. It was really difficult, Ed. Yeah. All right, James, I brought you a split. Eat some spinach. Yeah, it was split between that and vegetarian thali

for like Indian food. I know, what's that? It's just one of the things where you'll have it in Indian restaurants where it's like instead of ordering one curry, you can just get a bunch of little things all on one plate so that you don't have to pick one thing. It's a good hack for this podcast.

Yeah. So you don't need to pick one thing. You can just have loads of little things. Yeah. We could take those little things and layer them all up if you like. Yes, yes, that would make it perfect. It's your ultimate dream.

What would normally come on the thali? What would be it? It'll be like a doll and then like a, you know, like a paneer curry or like spinach and chickpeas or something. And then like a yogurt, like a raita and then like bread and rice and like a dessert. Yeah.

Indian cuisine has nailed vegetarian food like no other cuisine, I think. It's very good. Sri Lankan vegetarian food is excellent as well. I'm not as familiar with Sri Lankan. But I happened to a place in London that was really good. That was Sri Lankan food. Oh yeah?

Yeah, I forget the name. Was it Hoppers? Yes, it was Hoppers. Hoppers is great. James introduced me to Hoppers. Yeah. It's fun. It's fantastic.

It's great. I've made some of the podcasts in the past. We should learn what the actual, cause like the restaurant is called Hoppers, but it's a very anglicized version of like. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. But a... Apam.

Apam. Apam. That's the egg apam. The pancake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh right, they have a pancake too. Yes, there we go. Another pancake.

The global dish. I love a pancake. Now there should be a restaurant that does pancakes but from all over the world. All the different types of pancakes. Yeah. From all the different countries. And you can do that.

It's called Panglobal. Okay. Yeah? Yeah? I don't hate it. Yeah. You shouldn't, you'd nod at that. Come on.

I would. I would. I would. It's called Tony's Panglobal. Hello Tony. He knows his pancakes. Tony does. He's a good guy.

Actually there's international house of pancakes here. It's a really not living up to its potential. Cause it should be that. But it's not at all. It's just a straight up American pancake place, right? With like different globs of fruit on it. Yeah. The Great Benito loves pancakes.

And we've not had any pancakes yet since we've been in America. Where should we go in LA? Oh my gosh. You have to go to this place called Breakfast by Salt's Cure. Yeah. It's here in LA. And they serve this thing called griddle cakes.

And they're like pancakes but they're a lot thinner and they're so good. I can't even, I'm not even afraid you won't love them. Cause you won't. Yeah. I think that's the strongest recommendation I've ever had. I think I've been to Salt's Cure. They've got a restaurant called Salt's Cure, right?

Yeah. So this is like a breakfast outpost that they opened up. Oh wow. That's just their breakfast. Yeah. Oh, we are 100% going there tomorrow. Yeah. That's how we're starting our day.

Yeah. You will love it. Last time I went to Salt's Cure I had, that's when I had head cheese, which I've talked about on the podcast before. Head cheese. It's all the bits of like a cow's head that they all mash up into like a pate.

Why is it called cheese? Cause it's just like a slice of mass. I thought head cheese is when you get a slice of cheese implanted into your head. It goes so well with a head bagel. Yeah. That's like a love story waiting to be told. You see each other across the room.

And then the head salmon guy turns up and it's a thrupple. Oh yeah. We've got your bagels. It's like oh. Are we going with the lasagna or the? I'll go with the lasagna cause that was my first instinct. Okay, great. Is it from a particular place?

Is it from anywhere in particular? Or is there somewhere that does it the best? Really, I feel like I've had a lot of good ones. I actually, the one at Trader Joe's is not bad. Oh yeah. First shout out on a menu for TJs. Yeah. Yeah.

Definitely. Really, first. Yeah, it's never made a menu before. I mean, I bought it up multiple times on the podcast. They have really good snacks too. Oh, the snacks I will be going home with. I mean, annoying. I think I've overpacked my suitcase.

I'm considering leaving my own clothes in America. So I've got room for, and you can see there's a pack of them up there, the dark chocolate almonds with turbinado sugar. Oh, they're so good. Are the best things in the world. So I need to take at minimum four boxes of those. So I think I'm going to leave a jumper, two shirts, and a pair of trousers.

And bonito. And bonito. Or just fill those clothes with that food and try to take it as another passenger. Yeah. With a weekend at Bernie's famous with almonds. My friends are feeling very well. Hello.

He is clearly made of dark chocolate covered almonds. How dare you. Your side dish for the design. My side dish. I had trouble with this one too. I think I said fried plantains. Oh, yes. I love fried plantains.

Yeah, delicious. It's almost the perfect bridging side dish into a dessert as well, because they are so sweet. Yes. I think technically they could be considered a dessert, but I had other ideas for dessert. Yeah, you could smack some ice cream on those. I think I've had that.

I think of that in holidays. They're so good. Flombeid plantains with vanilla ice cream. So delicious. I think it came to plantain quite late in life. I think I'd always walk past them in markets, and you see them, and you're like, what the hell is up with that banana?

Sure. You couldn't eat a plantain like a banana, could you? I don't think so. I think they're tougher, maybe. You couldn't peel them in like the ultimate energy boost was eating a whole plantain raw. You couldn't freeze a plantain and dip it in chocolate, or could you?

That's a good question. Yeah, would you dip a plantain in chocolate or in cheese or neither? If I'd tried, I'd dip it in chocolate, definitely. I'd rather have it with chocolate and cheese for the sweetness. Yeah. You could dip one half in chocolate and one half in cheese.

And then compare? And then go cheese down first, and then you're straight into the next course. Oh, yeah? Yeah. My mum went on a Spanish exchange trip, and every day, she put on loads of weight, because every day, she ate the same thing.

They gave her a baguette, and in one half, it had chorizo, and in the other half, it had chocolate. And you just eat the chorizo and first, and then just keep going, and then you have the chocolate bit. And I'm going to have to correct you on your pronunciation there. It's chocolate. So sorry.

So sorry for any Spanish listeners. Chocolate. No, but no worries there, no worries. She went on this exchange, and she came back, and a Spanish lady came back, and just ate some very disappointing food. Yes, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Although my grandma used to cook this thing called bacon pudding as well. It was just like dumpling, like a dumpling thing, which was like suet pudding, and it just had loads of bacon and fat in it. Wow. Sometimes British food can be delicious. Yeah, if disgraceful.

Yeah. What does something have to be to be called a pudding? Interesting, because it wasn't sweet at all. Right. But I guess it was made in a pudding dish. OK. So I guess that it's probably the dish rather than the actual taste of it.

And obviously in the UK, we call desserts puddings whatever they are, so it confuses it even more. But if I think of that kind of suet-y kind of pudding, and a Yorkshire pudding on the savoury side, they're both quite plump, fatty. Do you think it's a plump thing? Plump and fatty, and they've got kind of a cakey kind of vibe about being a cake.

It's also a lovely nickname for someone, I think, pudding. Hey, little pudding. So you've got the fried plantain on the side. Oh, yes, on the side. Is there anything with it? I find them satisfying on their own, but I think you're right. They're good with like ice cream or like a...

Obviously my dream is to get someone to have ice cream as their side. One day I'll achieve that on the podcast. I was trying to talk you into the dessert lasagna for Maine. Ice cream on the side. Yeah, oh my god. I don't know what else would be good with plantains. Maybe like a nut, a toasted nut.

Yeah. We could throw a toasted nut on there for you, if you want. What sort of nut would you like toasted? Hazelnuts? Sure. I feel like I've pushed you into that though. I suddenly blanked on other kinds of nuts. I don't think peanuts would work.

I think maybe... I don't think almonds either would work. We always like to ask people what their favourite nuts are on this podcast. I think my favourite is cashew. By itself, I really like it. Then maybe... I really like peanut butter.

But peanuts by themselves, I don't know. I like a peanut sauce too. But then peanuts as is, I'm not terribly excited about. That's the shame about the peanut really. It's probably really down on itself that it's like it has to do all this fancy stuff to appeal to people.

And it's just sat there going, why can't you just take me as I am? I'm looking dry-roasted. Yeah, dry-roasted peanuts. Oh, that's true. That's a revelation. Those are very good. First time I had dry-roasted peanuts.

I mean, I was a kid, but I went, I went. I don't want to say nuts. I went crazy. You've already used Hogwild already. I've already used Hogwild. I can't say Hogwild again, but I absolutely, yeah, I was singing his praises. The thing with nuts is,

sometimes they get presented to you as a healthy snack. And then you find out how much fat and calories are in nuts. And that's a real letdown, I think. I used to do it on the way back from gigs, like as a driving snack, I could do a big bag of dry-roasted peanuts and be like, well, there's no sugar in these. These are carb free.

And then you basically eat in a thousand calories from a bag. I was in a writing room for a show last year and they would have a lot of nuts for snack. And this one writer said when he had too many nuts, he got this thing called nut belly. Yeah, that must be different. It's like a very specific kind of fullness. Yeah.

You're eating nuts, yeah. I mean, now, because of our conversations, we've had so far this podcast, I'm now imagining it looks like he's got loads of nuts implanted into his belly and they're all like in those different shapes. Oh, man, I got a bad case of nut belly. Look so gross. That sounds like American writers' rooms sound like

they're just a snack heaven, right? They are, yeah, there's a lot of snacks. What sort of things, apart from nuts? Actually, this writer's room, it was all Trader Joe's snacks because that's where they seem to get them. Get me on that show. I've got loads of ideas for writing. Come here.

You wouldn't write anything. What's the genre? It was a workplace comedy. A workplace comedy? Yeah, okay. I've got loads of ideas. There's a frepple. Yeah, that's a good idea.

Yeah, they take it on all the time. And then that would be... And now I'm reaching for... The dark chocolate-covered Honey Grains. That would be day one. You'd come in and go, right, here's my three ideas. Let's snack. Lovely side dish there.

And now for your drink. My drink. I was split again between a margarita and like a vodka with a pickle juice. Oh, wow. Yeah. Pickle juice vodka. No one has ever said a vodka with pickle juice.

No. So we're going to need to discuss that for a while, I'd say. I don't know. I guess it's probably a kind of martini, but I've only had it at one bar in New York, but they make it. It's like, you know those banana peppers, the like sort of more neon green peppers.

It's like a vodka with the juice from that. So is it a spicy vodka? Yeah, it's like a more salty, spicy vodka. It's all in the same glass. It doesn't like a side of pickle juice that you do as a shot. It's all in one, yeah. What's this bar called? I don't remember.

A partner doesn't remember the names of places. I don't. Unless it was a pun, you were never going to remember that. I wouldn't remember it. Now that's good for the great bonito because he has to update the website with the names of all the restaurants that have been mentioned. Oh.

Because you've not remembered any. This is going to be an easy day at work for them. So you're very, very grateful for that. He's very happy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even though, you know, no one's mentioned, you know, Silk Road in Camberwell is probably one of the best Chinese restaurants there near where I live.

I'll probably recommend that, but that's not been said in the episode. That's okay. That won't end up on there, will it? Oh, kebab kid. You love kebab kid. Oh, love kebab kid. You used to live near there, yeah.

But where was that again, Ed? Parsons Green. Oh, kebab kid in Parsons Green. Some of the best kebabs around here. We've all talked about that before. I said Vanessa's dumpling house. Oh, yeah, yeah. We talked about this as dumpling house.

That's great. We'll have that on there twice, because the partners mentioned it as well. Yeah. Oh, what was the kebabs that are up north? Oh, I am Donna in Harrogate. Some of the best, they're probably the best kebabs I've ever had.

Pudding prison. HMS pudding. Yeah, yeah. Pudding prison. I remembered that. Very, very important. So, we arrive at your dessert. My dessert.

I went with chocolate lava cakes. Oh, my God. Has that been picked before? Uh, yeah. I'm sure. Like a million times. I'm sure. People love them.

Especially here. So good. Especially here. All you Americans, you just honking down for those chocolate lava cakes. You love them. You really do love them.

You love them. But what you've said, which James will really appreciate, is you've said chocolate lava cakes. No one else has pluralized it. Yes. And was like, I'll have a chocolate lava cake.

You have pluralized it, which is great. And you know what? Because you've done that, I'm going to take all those chocolate lava cakes from the other guests we've had and give them to you. And now I'm going to get a dessert.

All those people who came in before who wanted a chocolate lava cake, guess what? That didn't happen for you. Yeah, so sorry. It's just imagination. I think it really combines liquid and solid in a great way.

Yes. Because really, whenever I have a solid dessert, I want it to be mostly falling apart. Yes. That's important. Yeah. It's like a surprise fondue, really.

Yeah. It is. Yeah. You've like reversed fondue. Yeah. The fondue is on the inside. Yeah. For New Year's,

my boyfriend and I made them. And they're harder than they look. I mean, they're easy. It's not a lot of steps, but it's the flipping it at the end. Yeah. Because you flip it out of the little container it's in.

And if it's not done, it's a mess. It's just black. It's just the liquid. It's all lava and no volcano. Yeah. Yeah. Often there's a show called Masterchef in the UK

that if that's normally people's fall-down is they try and make a chocolate lava cake. Because if it's wrong, it's really wrong. Yeah. It's not liquidy or you cut into it and then it's just a chocolate sponge, which is a disaster.

Yeah. You don't want that. Oh, no. I would want to get the plantain involved in it. Oh. Maybe take that over, drag a plantain through that fondant source. Yeah.

So are we, for a part of this bill, are we leaving the plantains on the table in between? We're taking everything else away and then bringing the dessert and the plantains. It's still hanging around. You don't have to do anything with them.

No. But you do that. You double the serving of the plantain so that you can use it in your dessert if you want to. Yeah. You're dipping it in like a fondue.

Yeah. Perfect. Dipping it in there. Would you like any ice cream or anything with it? I'll take a scoop of ice cream. Like a vanilla? Yeah.

I feel like with those, they're so rich that you don't really need to spice them up anymore. Yeah. I think vanilla would be enough to, yeah. Yeah.

I'd probably really choose another flavor of ice cream to go with. Yes, you would. You absolutely would. What? Of course you would. She's like the most...

Maybe a pistachio. Yeah. A pistachio would be great. Yeah. A pistachio would be quite nice with ice cream. Yeah. And now you're adding things.

You're adding... James took me for an ice cream when we were in New York. Yeah. And it was so rich. It had so many things in it that it was almost like a big bag of candy

just that someone had poured some cream into. Yes. But this little boy ate everything behind you. You ate every little bite. I did. Didn't you?

The boys at Ample Hill? Yes. No, yes. It was Ample Hill. Yes. It had chocolate-covered potato chips in it. Oh, my gosh.

Church. My church. It was like being inside your mind, quite frankly. Yeah. It's exactly the sort of thing you would have designed that ice cream, I think.

I absolutely loved it. I had such a good trip there this time with my buddy Ed. It was so nice taking him there and introducing him to Ample Hill's. But also, I had two of the more kind of salty ice creams.

They have non-sweet ones? Well, they're still sweet. But, like, it's like a salty, like, there's this salted caramel one. Oh, no, it's the cops. Sometimes when I talk about desserts too much, they send the cops. Oh, I'm going to put in prison.

I'm going to put in prison again. But, luckily, the bars have made a chocolate out of it. I'll eat my way out of that put in prison with a spoon. No one stays in putting prison for very long. No, no.

There you go. Fair enough. He really wanted that chocolate bad. But what you would do in putting prison, if it was all made of chocolate, you wouldn't escape straight away, would you? You'd eat the whole prison,

and then you'd leave. Yeah, yeah, I'd gradually eat my way out of it. I'd eat different things first, probably. And it shames me to say this. I'd start with a toilet. Yeah.

What would the toilet be made out of? Chocolate. I'd eat it. Because I wouldn't want to pee in it and ruin it. Right. Right. It would make me feel bad.

Yeah, OK. But other people have peed in it, right? Well, I can't see. It doesn't hurt me. So, we read your order back to you now. OK. See how you feel about it. You had sparkling water at the top.

Mm-hmm. Then you had some warm, crusty bread. Hot, not too tough with some oil. Starter, scallion pancakes with soy sauce. Vegetable lasagna is your main. Side of fried plantains. And the drink you went in vodka with pickle juice. And dessert, chocolate lava cakes.

Yes, please. Little, please. With vanilla ice cream. Feel good about that? I do. Does sound pretty nice. It does. I'd say the thing on that menu

that I want to try the most is the drink, the vodka and pickle juice. I'll tell you why I like that where it came, because you've got the side of the plantain quite sweet. Mm-hmm. You've got a very sweet dessert. The spicy vodka is going to cut right through that. Yeah.

And you've peed that perfectly. You've made a very good menu there. Yeah. Thank you. Are you eating this with the old lady from Trader Joe's? I am. I am. And then we're going to get lava cakes implanted

under our forehead. So, this oozes out. Yeah. Just one rough touch to that. It's just gone. It oozes over your nose. Yeah. Oh, no.

Yeah. I should have picked up Anna. Back to the hospital. Hello. Yes, it happened again. We are eager to put the fondant back in my head. You have to get it redone every week. Yeah.

Thank you very much for coming to the Dreamers for Anna. Thank you for having me. And there we are. The off-menu menu of Aparna Nancella. Excellent menu and excellent storytelling as well. The story of the Diet Coke I very much enjoyed. Yes.

She really took your story and ran with it. Yes. I haven't heard it before from someone else. And it was very nice to hear. Do you not hear it when you say it out loud? Yes. But it's one of those things is like Kanye West always says like he's one of the greatest that he'll never get to see

himself perform live. And with the Diet Coke story, I never really get to experience it properly. Yeah. It was nice to be able to hear it. She did it way better, you know. I don't know. I think my mind's a fan favourite.

People like it a lot. It's not a fan favourite. But Niso likes it. He always keeps it in the edit. Always makes the edit, doesn't it? Well, thank you very much Aparna for coming in. Aparna is a brilliant stand-up comic writer and actor. You can see her work on the stand-ups on Netflix.

I would highly recommend that set. It is very, very funny. And also you can check her out on Twitter on at Aparnapkin. I'm not on Twitter anymore, but you tell me she's excellent on Twitter. Yeah, she's very good on Twitter. She's a very good joke writer.

But look, check out all her stuff anyway. Thank you very much Aparna for coming in. She did not say mead. Thank God. Congratulations for not saying mead, Aparna. I probably would have flipped out. So I've heard Ed saying mead so often this week. A honeyed wine for you, sir.

Yep, there he is. A honeyed wine for me, sir. I'm not going to do the night anymore. No? I think he's appreciated. Oh, have you already just figured that out? Yeah. Yeah, not appreciated.

I'm going to go away. I'm going to work on the character. Yeah, yeah. Just like I did with my diet coach. I honed it and it gets better every time. Check out our socials at Off Menu Official on Insta and Twitter and also the website, offmenupodcast.co.uk. Go on that.

Check out the list of restaurants. Go if you use iTunes. Why not give us a five-star review? Write a couple of nice lines about it. Subscribe, obviously, if you're not subscribed. Keep it up there. Keep it out there in the world. Love you so much.

Bye-bye. Goodbye. Hello, it's me, Amy Glettel. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith.

I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil in case... Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North because, look, we're two Northerners.

Sure, but we've been living in London for a long time. The news stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News. We'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glettel's mum on every episode.

That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy. Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.