Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 69: Diane Morgan

Episode Date: August 12, 2020

Star of her own BBC Two sitcom ‘Mandy’ and Philomena Cunk herself Diane Morgan joins us in the dream restaurant this week. We’re thrilled, but is she?Diane Morgan’s sitcom ‘Mandy’ starts on BBC Two, Thursday 13th August, 9.30pm, and will be on BBC iPlayer.Follow Diane on Twitter: @missdianemorganRecorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive Productions.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? After touching this podcast, don't then touch your eyes or genitals, because it's hat, baby. Welcome to the Off Menu podcast with me, Ed Gamble. My name is James Acaster, and that warning for me came all too late. Yes, James is burning all over, baby. Oh, boy. In the eyes, in the downstairs, around the back. Not nice. Downstairs, upstairs, in my nightgown. So, the Off Menu podcast is a food-based

podcast where we have a special guest on, and we ask them a series of taxing questions, James. Questions like, their favourite ever, starter, main course, dessert, side dish, and drink. It's a dream restaurant. I'm a genie. Ed is the proprietor. I am the proprietor. We've never really nailed down what my job is in the dream restaurant, really. The Matra D. The Matra D, I think. The Matra D, sure. But, I mean, within the restaurant, I guess, it makes sense that you're asking them what they want, but then I'm just sort of stood next to you, sort of picking apart their choices and wanting to discuss them more. If anything, it's the most annoying

restaurant in the world. Well, some might say it. Not me. I think it's the best thing ever, and I hope that our guest this week thinks it's the best thing ever as well, and thinks we're charming. I think the whole concept is fun. Diane Morgan. Diane Morgan is our guest. Wonderful comedian, actor, writer, you know, from many things. Filomena Kunk. Filomena Kunk. Motherland. Yes. There's loads of stuff with Charlie Brooker, with Ricky Gervais as well. Yep. She's an afterlife. Just brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. Always knocks it out the park, Diane Morgan. We're big, big fans and very excited to have her on. She's got a new series coming out called Mandy as well.

Make sure you watch that. We're excited to watch that, but we're even more excited to find out what her choices are, James. And of course, this episode was recorded remotely over the internet because we're still in lockdown. This is the new world. This series is going to be a big old mix of face-to-face ones, ones we recorded online. Some of them we recorded in America. Some of them we recorded over Zoom in our homes on the hottest day of the year. See if you can tell which is which. But despite all this, if she picks a secret ingredient which we have decided on, we will be asking her to leave the restaurant. And this week, the secret ingredient is rice paper. Rice paper. Yes, sort of edible paper that

you find in things. I don't see the point of it. I don't think they've actually made it taste enough different to real paper. Yep. I don't like real paper. I hated that kid in class who would always eat paper to show off. I would have thought you'd be that kid. Yep. Oh, I thought you'd be the paper eater and the guy who chewed an ink cartridge and got a blue mouth. I would have had you down as that. Yes. And do you know what? There, but for the grace of God, go I because I think I probably would have done those things had I not seen a stupid kid do it first and realize how gross it was and ridiculous. If no other kid had done it before me, I would have given that a go. I tell you why because you remind

me a little bit of a boy at my school who did all of those things. And we might have talked about him before, but he's the eating keep paper. And I've told you about his story about the boy in the bubble. We got given a title for it. You know, when you get given a title for a story, you have to go and write your version of it. And the title was the boy in the bubble. And everyone else did like two or three sides. And his story was as follows. One day there was a boy born in a bubble. One day he landed on a pin in France, the end. That's a good story. Yeah, it's a good story. He might have been a genius, but he did have a blue mouth. So let's hear from the brilliant Diane Morgan.

Diane Morgan, welcome to the dream restaurant. Hello. Welcome, Diane Morgan to the dream restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. Now, it's series four of this podcast. In series one, I had to explain a lot that James was a genie, but quite often the guests come now prepared for the fact that James is a genie waiter, but Diane looked absolutely baffled by that appearance. Did you know James was going to be a genie waiter, Diane? Not ready for it. What did you think I was before Ed said genie waiter after what I did? What did you think had happened? Nothing. I didn't really think anything. I don't know what this is. I don't know what is going on, but I'm coping. So you're a genie waiter?

Yes. Okay. I can get you any food from any time in your life. Big time. I can get you any food you want. You're in the dream restaurant now. Oh, my God. This is better than I thought. When James made that noise, you didn't, there was nothing popped up in your head. You weren't worried about it. What's the noise? That noise? Yeah. What did you think was happening? I don't know. I thought he had something stuck in his throat, maybe. Yeah. It does sound more like a cat going rid of a furball than it does a genie. What is it meant to be, that noise? Bursting out of the lamp and there's smoke and fireworks.

Oh, yeah. Stuff like that. No, it popped a bit of your sound effects on after, couldn't you? Yeah, we could do, but we've got quite a lazy producer. He doesn't really like to do any of that stuff. It's a really good point that we could do all of that, but we never have, sadly. But welcome to the dream restaurant. Thanks for having me. Do you eat out a lot? No, not tons. And when I do eat out, I sort of eat out at the same places. I don't really branch out. Top three places where you'd go? Probably local places. I eat at Ciabella on Lambs Conjuit Street. Do you know it? No. What's Lambs Conjuit Street? That sounds like a hilarious name for it. It's in Bloomsbury. It's a lovely street in Bloomsbury, and it's an Italian restaurant

where you can sit outside on these long tables. So it's also lovely. It's like at the recreate a holiday atmosphere. Is it a chain restaurant, Ciabella? No, no, no, no. I'm getting mixed up with Bella Pasta. Independent. So yeah, Ciabella. Probably the union in Soho. Do you know the union? No. I think I've been to the union. It's a club. A nightclub. What kind of cuisine? Sort of, you know, European stuff. Yeah? Yeah. Chips. European chips, yeah. Where else? Well, I love curry, and I used to love Gaylord before it closed down. That's the central, that's the circusy way, isn't it? Yeah, it was lovely that place, but that closed down. But I love an Indian takeaway, or I was sitting. What is your standard Indian

takeaway order? Standard. It would be chicken bono, coconut rice, or Peshwari naan. Then if I'm going for a Peshwari naan, I love plain rice, because I want too much coconut. I'm going to say it's an overload. If you have Peshwari naan, coconut rice, and then a bouncy for pudding, it's just too much, isn't it? Too much. Do you like a bouncy? Yeah, I do, actually. I like a lot of coconut. Paneer or sagaloo. Yeah. That's it. Do you have half a coconut full of sagaloo? Are you eating it out of there? No, I just have it out of the way. Interesting. And what would you drink with the curry? Because just before we started recording, we commented that you're drinking a shandy. I'm having a shandy. Yeah, I love it with lager. I can't understand these

people that have it with a glass of wine. What? Just curry with a glass of wine. I saw, I thought you were talking about shandy there. I thought you were like, shandy, I like with lager. Something would do it with a glass of wine. I can't understand those people, either. I can't understand those people, either. A lager. No, you can't have one. Yes, it's my favourite lager in the world. Now, this is a new discovery for us, Diane, that James's new favourite lager in the world, regardless of whether he's eating a curry or not, is a cobra, which I think is pathetic. Mine, too. Oh, no. Yes. Yes. You let the word pathetic slip out your mouth pretty prematurely. Well, I think, I guess, that's pathetic. I'm not a drinker. I wouldn't describe myself as a drinker. You're drinking a shandy at four in the

afternoon. It's summer. It's lovely. Very, very hot today. But I don't drink, but I love a cobra. Cobra is the best. Yes. I have got hooked on cobras all over again. I love them. The other day, I guess I'd had too many cobras, too many days in a row, and I had to take a break, and I had an asahi instead. Yeah. What's the other one? Kingfisher. When they offer me kingfisher, I'm like, no, kingfisher's not the same. It's got to be cobra. I like a singtie, is it? I haven't had that. Is that one? No, no. Singtow? Is it singtow? Yeah, singtow. I like singtow. I like cobras. I like Sapporo. I like tigers. You're really taking a big old journey all over Asia here, James. Yeah. That's what I'm doing. That's what the pandemic has brought out in me. I'm going to travel

all over Asia and drink all the beers. I think drinking a cobra when you're not having a curry is madness. Yeah. Why? Because it's specifically engineered to have less gas so you can fit more curry in your stomach. That's all it is. It's just a glutton's lager. It's not, though, it tastes different. I think it's well on its way to being a shandy, a cobra, isn't it? It's slithering over there, isn't it? It's a hop and a step, I think, to a shandy. It's not like that bitterness. No, it's just refreshing, and Ed's like, oh, it's meant to make more room in your stomach for curry. It makes more room in my stomach for more cobra, Ed. Yeah. That's what it does. It's part of it. A basket of snakes in my stomach. Do you like drinking it because it's called cobra and it

makes you feel like a cool person because it's like a dangerous snake? Is that question to me? To both of you? No. Pathetic cobra people. Their name's got nothing to do with it. It doesn't happen. It's called Shipbox Sunday. It's still drinking it. Would you try it? If it was called Shipbox Sunday, and they said, oh, we've got a couple of beers on tonight. We've got Kingfisher and we've got Shipbox Sunday, would you have ever tried it? Of course you're going to go for Shipbox Sunday. I would have ordered a Shipbox Sunday. What would put you off? How far would it have to go really badly? This will give you COVID. Yeah, if it was called something that, I don't know, that sounded like I'd get a disease. We've done something really bad in this bottle.

If it was a specific insult to any of my family members. Oh, that's good, yeah. I'd be like, A, I'm not contributing to this company, and B, how did you know I was coming today? Yeah, your aunties are more of Lager. Yeah, as you get that picture of her for the label. That's really upsetting. Yeah, if they use your family members as the labels, photos of people in your family. Yeah, I think that would be the only thing that would put me off, because I like bad boy Lager names. Bad boy Lager names. Bad boy Lager names. You could call it devil's blood or something, and I'd be like, pour me one of those. Pour me a devil's blood. He would also listen to a band called devil's blood. He would probably make friends with someone who

changed their name to devil's blood. You'd hang out with that person, especially if they were a top hat. Yes, I would. I'd make someone friends with someone called David blood, because it sort of looks a bit like devil's blood if you squint. You met David blood? David blood, yeah. In your head, what's, I'll actually, I'll ask this to Diane. When you imagine David blood, what kind of a person do you think he is? Immediately sort of Dracula type comes to mind. Black hair, cape. Yeah. What's his job? Computer analyst. Yeah, I thought that. Yeah. I thought it'd be, I think he'd be like a sort of very button down nerd kind of guy, David blood. I don't, I don't imagine him as a vampire, because that would be a very bad cover for being a vampire

if he was trying to keep it secret, and he called himself David blood. Yeah. How do you feel about the drink Bloody Mary's then? Love a Bloody Mary. Very few people can get it right though, can they? Absolutely. My last tour, we tried everywhere we went to find the best Bloody Mary, and when they get it wrong, oh, they really get it wrong. It's awful. Disgusting. It is awful. I had a really bad one on Singapore Airlines. Go on, break it down. A brick, brick, tomato. You know those little bottles, brick, brick, tomato, any glass. No, nothing else apart from, you know, what else they put in it, vodka. That's it. Didn't put anything else in. It was disgusting. That's not, that's not a Bloody Mary. That's just blood. No, the Eagle, the Eagle pub in

Islington does a good Bloody Mary. Shout out. It's got loads of bits in it. Oh yeah, what are the bits? Yeah, the bits. What do they put in it? Pepper? Soy sauce? Is that what they put in? Pepper? Absolutely. What's that brown stuff? Worcestershire sauce? Worcestershire sauce, not soy sauce. Worcestershire? Worcestershire sauce. Garlic? No. No, not garlic. Celery. Celery. But you could put garlic in it. I tried making one during lockdown. It was a nightmare. I used too much vodka, and then I bought like a bottle of spice mix, and then used far too much of that as well. And it was just, it was like drinking a curry. It was really bad. It's not easy. You've got to get that, it's a fine balance. It's a fine line, isn't it? And do you edit this?

Not this bit. No, no, no. Especially not the bit where you said, do you edit this? This is what people sign up for, if anything. I think this might even be the third or fourth time we've had this conversation on the podcast. It's definitely going. It makes it in every single time. People like to hear the Bloody Mary chat, what we like in a Bloody Mary. Yeah. And I know some people at home screaming at their computers or whatever they're listening to this on being like, James mentioned that you like brine in it. Why aren't you mentioning that you like the olive brine? And they know I like olive brine in my Bloody Mary. And I do. I'm still the same. Don't worry. Don't you worry about the editing, Diane. Every time you feel like it's going down a boring

path, please bear in mind that's what our listeners enjoy. They do, don't they? That's what people want in a podcast. I don't listen to any podcasts. Do you listen to, are you a podcast listener? No way. I don't get it at all. No. Just not. People keep telling me to, oh, listen to this one about a murder. Yeah. That was a murder. And I listen. I'm just so bored. So bored. I'll get about three episodes in. I'm like, I don't cares. Who's dead? Who's alive? Still all sparkling water, Diane? Still. Every time. How long has that been a rule for? For as long as I can remember. I mean, you know, when I first tried sparkling water, I remember it thinking, it tastes a bit sort of weird, doesn't it? The gas, you can taste the gas and it makes you burp. So if you're doing a lot

of eye services like me, you do not want sparkling water. What if Cobra released their own sparkling water with reduced gas to make sure that you didn't burp and still had room for your curry? I'm intrigued. What? Well, as Ed said earlier, the beautiful thing about Cobra the Largo is that it has reduced gas in it to make more room for your curry in your tummy. Even less gas, you mean? What if it had even less gas? They could put more gas in. I'd still love that stuff. But what if they released their own sparkling water with reduced gas, say 50% gas? It's not about the gas, Ed. It's not about the gas. Well, as you did say it was about the gas. It's about the taste. Right. Well, the Largo, obviously, if you're offering me waters, then,

yeah, it is about the gas. I don't want gas. Gas should not be in water. Well, I don't know where it should be. Pipes. In the air, I guess. Yeah. A riversnakes, real snakes. Is there a snake called a riversnake? Riversnake. Do you want to think of a name? It sounds like it should be a riversnake. If Cobra did a water, what you could call it? What kind of snakes might... Seaworm. Water snake. Seaworm, yeah. Seaworm, yeah. That's what I call bronze. I hate prongs. Dirty seaworms. Dirty little seaworms. Dirty little seaworms, shredding water outside, outlet pipes. Bottom feeders, I call them. Yeah. What situations have you been in when you've called them that? First time, probably grease.

Yeah, it was in grease. Fresh prongs, and they were very fresh. They were moving on the plight. What? I said, dirty seaworms, never having them. When you say seaworms, you're talking about, as in the ocean worms, or are you saying seaworms, like you want to call them something even worse? The letter C. Oh, C. No, C as in the ocean. Yeah, yeah. Dirty seaworms. Oh, not dirty worms. No. It sounded like that. Because worms sounds like words as well. Oh, yeah. Dirty seaworms. Yeah, yeah. No, I can see where the confusion happened. Why were these prongs live on the plate? The waiter was really sort of like proud of his prongs, and he said, we've got the freshest prongs. And I didn't like prongs anyway. I never tried any, but I just didn't like the look of them.

And then they brought them over, and they were moving about. Oh, so this is before anyone had ordered them. This was before they'd cooked them. They were like, here's what they're going to. No, no, no. They'd been ordered, not by me, but someone else in our group. But they then took them away and cooked them, right? They didn't just leave. They took them away and cooked them, and they brought them back, and they were moving. Still moving. Oh, no, hang on. When they brought them back. I don't believe that. I don't believe that. I'm sorry, Diane. So they cooked them. These were zombie prongs. They were still moving. I think when they cooked them, they died. Yeah. These were still alive. I don't know what they'd done to them. Maybe they parboiled them,

not long enough or something. So the waiter was very proud of the prawns, and then within earshot, when he was in earshot, did you call them dirty sea worms? I probably did it under my breath. That's good, because you don't want to break that guy's heart. No, true. Well, he might not immediately know, and he'd go away and just go and Google translate and see what dirty sea worms means in Greek. It's disgusting. Calamari. You don't like Calamari? It's just like rubber. Rubber wheels. Little rubber elastic bands. Yeah. That taste of the sea. Do you not like seafood in general? Is this like... Yeah, I don't like any sea. I like fish, but anything weird, no. See, you like the headliner of the sea. What's the headliner? Fish.

The fish. Oh, right, yeah. Fish is the big daddy. I like fish, yeah. Fish is the original sea feature. Just not nothing, nothing sort of robbery and weird. So prawns are dirty sea worms. Calamari are rubber wheels. Do you have a nickname for octopus? No, I don't. Do you want to workshop one now? You could do, yeah, all right. The next time you're there, someone says, do you want some octopus? And how would you describe the taste of octopus? I've never tasted it. I've never tasted it. Because a boy at my drama school, he brought some in for his lunch in a jar. Have you seen that? You can get like a jar of mini octopus, octopines. Yeah. And they were like jump-acked into this jar and their little faces were against the glass.

Like that. And he had a fork and he was like, eating them. He's really going for it. That's disgusting, isn't it? Who was this? Who was this boy? Awful. Does he get any work now? Don't know. Lost touch with him. Yeah, I should imagine so. Pop it up, it's all bread. Do what? Pop it up, it's all bread, Diane. Oh, pop it up, it's all bread. I thought you said problems are bread. Pop-a-dums. I knew we were heading there. Yeah, I like bread though. Bread's been historically the most popular choice, so we're always excited when someone picks pop-a-dums, Diane. Are you going with all the sauces? What do you mean, all the sauces? Oh,

sauces. What did you think? Sources. That's where they come from. Yeah, all the sauces. Lime pickle. Oh my God. You've got every curry house. I love lime pickle. Yeah. Love it. This is the kind of chat I like. Did you always like it? Yeah, straight off. Love this stuff. Really? Yeah. This now, actually, I'm going to say now, this is surprising and I'm a bit confused because what we've talked about so far as you're looking at C-Creatures has been like, no, no, wait, disgusting. And then lime pickle immediately on board with your whole life. Limes don't have eyeballs for a kickoff. There is nothing weird in a lime. You're safe. You're safe having a lime, aren't you? It's just limes. What else is in there? Chili or something?

Oil? I thought you meant what else is in a lime. It's just lime. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Yeah, no, in the lime pickle jar, it's in it. Oil, limes, chili, what else? Don't I? The first time you tasted it, was it not confusing? No, it was lovely. There's nothing to fear, is there, with lime pickle? No. What's your main fear of octopus, though? That I'll eat like tiny organs. I see, yeah, actually, that's a big fear. No, that's stuck between my teeth. Yeah, or that you eat a tentacle in it, all the suckers get stuck on your throat while you're trying to swallow it. Tentacles, suckers. Oh, my God. Mango chutney I like. It's always going to be Pataks, though, isn't it, if you're getting it from the supermarket? Pataks seem to have a,

like, a monopoly or a sort of iron grip over the supermarket chutneys, yeah. Because they're the best. Do you think they're the best? I've never heard of Pataks. They tried to improve on the lime pickle recipe a while back, but so many people complained that they went back to the original lime pickle recipe. Did you say you're not going to edit this? I've never had Pataks. I've never even heard of Pataks. Oh, my God. Wake up. You've definitely had Pataks, man. You love Pataks. Yeah, come on. You've had Pataks. You must have had Pataks. I don't think so. My mum made her own chutneys when we were growing up. Oh. We had homemade chutney. But what's, and what's your mum's name, remember? Diane. Diane Patak. Oh, really?

So think it through. Yes, Diane Pataks, yes. That makes sense. That's why we're so rich. What chutneys did your mum used to make? Plum. Plum chutneys. As far as I can remember, apple. Remember, she listens to this. And if you forget what chutneys she makes, she'd be very upset. Tomato. Oh, boy. Come on, come on, come on, James. Pressure. Apple plum tomato. Jesus Christ. Pear, I want to say. Oh, my God, man. One of the meat ones. Meat chutney. I don't think so. Is there any meat ones? Is there a meat chutney? I doubt it. I think that might be all, I mean, maybe that was all the apricots. No. Oh, I'm just remembering. I think that's a jam, isn't it?

Yeah. I think you're thinking of jams now. Preserves, aren't they? Yeah. Preserve family. But it preserves just jam and chutney. Or does it go outside of that gang? I do not know. Preserve gang. Does lemon curd make it in? It's interesting though. Preserves. Jam and chutney I know are in that gang. I'm wondering if lemon curd makes it in the gang. Isn't that just a spread? Is it a spread or a preserve? And I would quite like some lemon curd now I've remembered it exists. Lemon curd's on a very exclusive list of things that when you think about them, you really want them, but you would never put them on a shopping list because

they feel like they're from the past. Lemon curd, cream soda is another one of those. So, sort of things you get in a hamper, isn't it? Yes. Or the sort of thing the famous five would have taken on for a picnic. Also, I love lemon curd itself, but I never really know what to spread it on. I don't think it tastes that nice on bread, or toast, or crumpets, or a breakfast muffin. I just don't know what I would actually want to, I think about it. I think that would be great some lemon curd, but actually, I think toast is out in front there. Would you have lemon curd if there was no mango chutney in the cupboard? Would you use lemon curd instead? On your poppadom? On your poppadom, Diane? I wouldn't give it house room, lemon curd. Would you give it house room?

No. Picture this, Diane. You're in a curry house and you've ordered your poppadoms and then they bring the dips out and they say, we couldn't find the dips that you wanted, but what we have got is, and we've just, we've plated them all up for you here, got lemon curd, marmalade, large dressing, and toothpaste. Jesus. What's your first one? What's the first one? First of all, I hate it when lime pickle doesn't come out. When they bring out that one that looks like grass clippings, what's that one? Looks like mint sauce. Bring out lime pickle. We've been over this. I just want to know what you need. I feel sorry for people. Out of those dips that we've listed. Which one would you have with the poppadom? Lemon curd. Lemon curd, marmalade,

large dressing, and toothpaste. It was marmalade. I'd have to go marmalade. You've got bits in it. Yeah. Yeah. I'd go marmalade. I wouldn't be happy though. You're a shred head and not a shredless wonder. What is this now? What? Well, it comes to marmalade. Are you a shred head? A shred head? Are you a shred head or a shredless wonder? Oh, a shred head. Oh, dear me. Do you remember that? But they did that appetizing campaign? No. For a while with Mark with this brand of marmalade, and it was if you were a shred head or a shredless wonder? No, I don't remember. Well, they came up with marmalade with the bits and marmalade without the bits, and you were either a shred head or a shredless wonder. This is awful. Take your hand away from your eyes. How often do you do

this? Well, it goes out once a week, but you know. Once a week? I can't believe it's just about food. You're starter, Diane. Yeah. Oh, right. So, first thing, I don't believe in starters. Oh, no. I never, I never, never have a starter. What is the point in starters? Just give me my main meal. Oh, all right. What about a bonus, a bonus mini-main before the main main? No, no. Yes, Diane. Quite less. Captain Mark captain. It's just more ways of getting money at you, innit? Yeah, it's a swizz. It's a swizz. You can't. Yeah. Do you want a smaller meal before the main you actually want? Yeah, love me. No. You're the one who's just eating marmalade on a poppadum. Yeah, to be fair, that was weird. You forced me into it, though. I didn't actually want it.

You said you were a shred head. Did you ate the whole poppadum before the marmalade on it? So, anyway, no starter for me. Thank you. It's a pass. It's another pass. I love it. Greg Davis did this. Also, here's what my interests do, because I'm getting the heebie-jeebies now. You might be able to see, I've got goose bumps and my hairs are standing on end. Greg Davis chose poppadums. Greg Davis said that his favourite thing to have poppoms with was lime pickle, and that he loves lime pickle. To the extent that, he complained that his local curry house would stop doing lime pickle, and they put it back on the menu and could it Greg's pickle afterwards after the podcast had gone out. Annie also said pass on the starter. Here's the only person to

have done that. You are the second person to have done it, and you like the lime pickle, but this is very exciting. That's amazing. I think we really get on. What do you do, though, on a night, if you're eating out with people and everyone else orders a starter, what do you do? Don't have a starter. So, you just sit there while everyone else eats their starter? Yep. Yeah. How do you like that, Ed? I try and persuade them not to have a starter. Oh, you're the worst. Diane doesn't have to worry about passing the starter and everyone else having their starter. She should be chatting to Greg Davis. They're both not having starters together. Probably splitting a jar of lime pickle together. Surely, has there ever been a starter on a menu

that you've thought, oh, actually? Yeah, I have. Actually, sometimes the starters are nicer than the mains, aren't they? So, I like two starters instead of the mains. What is this? It absolutely flipped around. No, I thought I'd flipped her around, and then she came back and said she'd have two starters instead of a main. You do your own impromptu tapas. You change the restaurant. Yeah, I won't be pushed into having a starter. Am I right in thinking we are just passing the starter and going straight to the main course? Yes. Always so disappointing. Don't you think it's the way that life's going, though, isn't it? Everyone's getting so greedy for stuff. No, it's not funny, Ed. It's not. It's the way that life is going. Yeah. I mean, this is like after World

War II. Yes. You know, after all that rationing. People were grateful for anything. Yeah. Now, people just want more of everything. Yeah. So, is that why you're trying to put rationing into your dream meal? No, I don't need to. It just feels natural to me, not to have a starter. Could we can set this meal at any time in history? Do you want to have it directly after World War II? Well, this is the thing, because we'd have to get on to my main. Tell us what this main is. Well, the main is curry. I love curry, big curry. So, I don't know how good they were doing curries in this country after the Second World War, whether you get a really good curry back then. Well, because we've got the genie waiter, we can put the meal just after the Second World War,

but he can then travel to now and get the curry and bring it back in time, and it won't affect the flavour of the curry or anything. Right. Oh, great. Fantastic. Yeah. Headed to Gaylord? Yes. Could go to Gaylord. Yeah. Oh, we could go to Kerala in India. You've been there? Yes. Yeah, I have. Tell us about it. When? Why? When and why? Southern India. It's the very tip of India. I went there because I was doing, it was years ago. It was decades ago. I was doing an advert for Chain of Hotels in India. It was the jammiest job. All I had to do was walk down a staircase into a hotel. That was my day done. I could just go off there and just lie on the beach or whatever. Wow. Yeah, it was great. Was anyone else there? Yeah, one other girl was in it. Did she have to go

up the upstairs? The food was incredible. The fruit in India actually tastes of things rather than just water. Sure. It tasted like, I was going to say, opal fruits then. What are they called now? Starburst. Starburst. Good touchstone, though, for a fruit flavour. It's weird, isn't it, opal fruits? Yeah. Like, you know, the meeting, thinking of sweet names. What should we call them? Opal fruits. What? You know, one person came up with opals and one person just wanted to call them fruits. Why are opals, though? Oh, because of the colours. Because of the colours, yeah. There was one person at a table who said starburst and everyone shouted them down and they were like, okay, and then they fought in their head, one day you'll all be dead. Yeah. What's the other

one? Then I'll have my time. Marathon Snickers. Snickers is weird. Cocoa pops, Choco Krispies. Choco Krispies. All right. It changed briefly Cocoa Pops to Choco Krispies and everyone absolutely kicked off and then Kellogg's just went back on it and just went, okay, fine. Cocoa pops again. Also, for a while, there was those... Is this like a weird dream? Banana. Do you remember those banana ones? No. Banana opal fruits. No, Rice Krispies that were kind of banana flavour. They turned the milk into banana milk. No. Banana milkshake. That sounds horrible. Yeah. It was. It didn't last very long. They came out. I was a little kid. I got more excited than I've ever got about eating a cereal. I've seen the adverts. We went and got it. I loved it.

Easily became my favourite cereal and then as soon as they came, they were gone again because no one else liked them except for me. But I loved them. I love bananas. I love banana milkshakes and I love Rice Krispies. Will you have a bruised one? Yeah. I'll still eat it. I won't go blackened. I'll go a light brown or a gray. Gray. Yeah, well, you know, a grayie bruised. All right. All right. Yeah. You wouldn't go, yeah. I've never seen a fully gray banana. No. But a little, you know, sometimes I got that little, like, light gray kind of bruising. It's going to be black later on, you know? Yeah. It goes one of those. Yeah. I'll go for, like, very surface level bruising, but nothing that's gone into the flesh. And I know, I know that's like... You go over, like, just like physical

bruises. You wouldn't eat an emotionally damaged banana. No. No. Not a properly emotionally damaged banana. Well, they're mushy, though. They're horrible, aren't they? I had a mushy one last night and I put it on the... No, but I put it in some foil, put a bit of rum, rum, sugar and a bit of butter in it and then put it on the barbecue. Oh, kind of lilt with that? No. It was tropical enough already. What happened to it? It goes softer and, like, really, really sweet and sort of, sort of stews it a little bit, but bananas on the barbecue. That's my hot tip. You know what he's doing? Yeah. I had got a barbecue because it was dressed like his girlfriend. I bought a barbecue, Diane, and it's red. Because it was dressed like his fiancee.

And James has decided that the barbecue looks like my fiancee. You told me... What does your fiancee... You got it because... So that you told me that she... Oh, no, that was it. She got a bicycle to match an outfit. She got a bicycle to match an outfit to it. It was my suspicion. And then I bought a red barbecue and you said I bought a barbecue to match to my fiancee's outfit. Yes. That is true. That's what he did. That's not true. I don't know what to say. He got it and he kisses it at night time. I did kiss the barbecue because it's so nice. He does love it. He loves it so much. He's always using it. Every time he texts me, he's using the barbecue these days. Even when it was raining once, he said the barbecue out on

the patio cooking something. While he was sheltering inside and looking out the window at the barbecue. Because it's so... He's got this dome on it. It gives big cover in it. It can just carry on. He's always cooking something on the barbecue. You'll get over that. Do you think? We're having a blast. You'll grow out of that. Not too much. No. It'll take a few years. But you don't have too much child stuff. It's bad for you. Is it? Yeah. Oh, it's really bad for you. Oh, boy. I'm not charring stuff, though. Have you got a slow cooker? Used to, but we didn't use it enough. Oh, they're amazing. One of my best purchases, the slow cooker.

Yeah? Yeah, after the robot Hoover. Ever get mixed up? Nope. Guess what? I've been charring, Diane. You have three guesses. Charring. Do you have a lockdown? I've really got into charring something in particular. Apples. Chard apples. No. Wrong. Chard. Is it a meat? Chard chicken. It's not a meat. It's not a meat. Chard. I've got one more guess. One more guess. Chard peaches. Wrong. Oh, good guess. What is it? Can I have a guess? Yep. Onion. No.

What is it? Leeks. Chard leeks. Nice. I've been charring the leeks and they're creamy. Oh, divine. How did you do that, then? You just literally chop them up into nice bite-sized pieces, put them on the grill in the oven, get them nice and black, flip them over. It's the easiest thing in the world. Oh, also, actually, it's like you should also put white wine vinegar on them and stuff like that. That makes them real creamy. Creamalicious. You've done really well. You've really got into cooking during lockdown. I'm really impressed with you, mate. Thank you, Ed. I've got a bunch of stuff that I've got a few go-to meals during lockdown.

Have you had some go-to meals, Diane, that you've consistently become a regular lockdown dish? No. Well, I haven't been cooking much. The boyfriend's been cooking. He's a really good cook and he's been doing all kinds of stuff. Is he a chump? Chump. Is he a big old chump? You've convinced him to cook all your meals for you. Is this guy a chump? No, no. It's just nice. What is his best dish? What's the one that you always hope? I hope he cooks that again. He's going to be really sad if he hears this. He'll be so sad if he hears this. Probably one with, like, ricotta cheese, roast tomatoes, and spelt pasta with garlic and lemon.

Sounds very simple. It's absolutely delicious. It sounds good, though. That sounds amazing. I'm trying to be more vegetarian. How's it going? It's going quite well. I don't miss red meat at all, so I'll have a bit of chicken occasionally and a bit of fish, but that's it. I think I'd miss red meat if I... You're not supposed to have it at all, really, are you, health-wise? It doesn't feel right. The less I have it, the more I think it feels a bit wrong. Sure. It's like when I stopped drinking cow's milk. I stopped drinking cow's milk because I had acne. I had a face like it was covered, and someone said to me, stop drinking cow's milk, and I was like, bollocks, and I carried on for a few years,

and then someone else said it to me, and then I thought, I'll give it a go. Within three days, my face had completely cleared up. Wow. What? Yeah. Sounds like you were allergic. No, I think the human body is not meant... It's not made to digest cow's milk. It's just not... That's why we're not even like cats and can't digest it. So now I have like oat milk. Oat milk, I bloody love oat milk. If you give a cat cow's milk, does it get spotty? I don't know because it's because of the fur, maybe under the fur. Just covered in spots underneath the fur. Yeah. Poor old cats. I'm an oat milker these days. Yeah, oat milk's lovely.

I pour it in the velvetiser. What? Yeah, good question. James has bought something called a velvetiser. Carry on, James. A velvetiser. Yeah, guess what I'm making the velvetiser. Smoothie. Hot chocolate. Talk us through it, James. Is this a real thing, or is it... You've been giving it a name? A real thing. It's a real thing. Can I go on Amazon now and look at the velvetiser or not? Come on. You can look at a velvetiser, and that will come up. Yeah, it will come up. I pour in the milk up to the line, and then I put it in the sachet of whatever chocolate it is. It's not a chocolate powder. It's like proper chocolate all broken up, and then I press the old button,

and it makes it velvety smooth. How many hot chocolates are you having a week, James? Now you've got the velvetiser. When I first got it, seven. And how many weeks is that? Oh, my God. Probably first two weeks I'll have one a night. So I won't get through all the different flavours in the box. It's a hundred pounds. Well, it was a gift, so that person's been absolutely rumbled. Hot chocolate velvetiser. This one's copper, though. Is yours copper? No, it's not copper. Bloody good, though. Is yours white or charcoal? It's not white. It's probably charcoal. I can get it if you like.

Yeah, you've got the charcoal on here. Do you want to see it? I believe you. Go get it, James. Have a look at some of the reviews. It's got loads of reviews. Oh, yeah, that's charcoal. That's charcoal. Yeah, that's charcoal. Side dish, Diane. Well, you see, if it's an Indian, then I'll have like a sagaloo or a sagpaneer. But if it's not an Indian meal, I will never have a side dish, because it falls into my startup thing. Yeah, I thought I was expecting this. Strainious. I was 100% expecting it. It's just another way of getting money out of you.

It's like when they say, your table's not ready yet, come and sit at the bar and have a drink. Getting more money out of you. Getting money out of your thing. I'm going to say that. I don't agree with that, because I would say that, like, whenever you book a flight and whatever, and then they charge you, and it seems cheap, and then they go, oh, actually, it's this much to bring luggage on, and this much for your seat, and it's like actually a trick. And that's getting more money out of you and being sneaky. With this, I think they are very much just going, there's loads of different food that we do, they all cost money, and you can have it or not. I don't think it's a sneaky way of getting more

money out of you. What about small plates? That's another thing I hate. Lovely. Lovely. Then you get lots of different tastes. And they say to you, we recommend you choose 38 plates per person. Surely that's too much. No, no, you'll need 38 plates each, and then they bring it, and it's too much. 38 is definitely too much. Yeah. So you've ordered, within your curry main, are you saying there's rice and stuff with that anyway? Rice and a side. Are we counting that as your side dish then? Or is the rice part of the curry? No, the rice is part of the curry, surely. Isn't it? Yeah, but not in a restaurant. In a curry restaurant, you'd order the curry, and then you'd have to order the rice as a side. All right,

then I'll have the rice as my side then. You see, I would say that is a way of getting more money out of you. The whole rice thing. Yeah, it should be part of the meal, shouldn't it? Yeah, it should be. But if you hadn't ordered, just let's just get this straight. If you hadn't ordered curry as your main in the dream restaurant, you would have passed on the side dish as well as the starter. Yes, it's not funny. It is funny. It's not. This is the way life should be. No starter, no side dish. Just have a meal and have fun. But a meal should be an event, Diane. It should be a wonderful way of getting lots of different tastes. Well, it can be an event without, you know, having millions of plates. Is it the amount of plates that worries you or the amount of food?

So the amount of food, the waste. Do you get full very easily? Yes, I do. I've got a stomach like a walnut. Yeah, I have. I need little and often. But if I don't eat every four hours, I get faint and like I'm going to pass out. If you eat one raisin, then you're fine. But if you eat raisin, I'm like, oh, fine though. Yeah. So I think we're getting to the bottom of this. Maybe that's something to do with it. Yeah, I think if you don't like starter, you don't like sides because you get full very easily. Yeah, if I have a starter, I'm full. Yeah. I want to go home. But that doesn't mean people who don't get full easily are bad people, Diane, you know? Well, I'm not going to stop them, you know. But they will have to cope with me

sitting opposite them, not eating. Would you like your main course brought to you in tiny bowls over separate four hour periods? I'd like it brought to me by little chimps in dinner jackets. Right. Okay. Well, that's obvious. I've always thought this should have a restaurant like that, where the waiters are little monkeys in suits and they bring you new meals. You would like that. That'd be lovely, wouldn't it? It would be chaos, I think. It would be chaos. You know, you just give your order to the monkey in a little note and then he takes it to the kitchen, gets treats. Yeah. The monkey gets a treat. Yeah. Who's cooking? Is a monkey cooking it as well? No, I don't think the monkey should cook it. They're just waiters. Right. Okay. Yeah. You

don't want a monkey cooking it because, I mean, you'd probably tell a monkey chef that you didn't want to start at aura side and then he gets offended. You come out and rip your face off. Exactly. Yeah. Also, here's a question about your main course. Sorry to go back. Do you want all the different elements arranged in a demi-clock? A demi-clock? Yes. If I've just got like a curry and rice, am I going to do a demi-clock? With all the separate grains of rice? I don't know how many things we're getting for this curry. I thought you're having like sagalou. Oh, yeah. This is sagalou. Yeah. All right. I'll have a demi-clock. Yeah. Perfect. Was it sagalou rather than sag paneer as your side and you're having rice included with the main curry?

I'd either go paneer or aloo, depending on how I felt. The demi-clock, though. Whatever. You can put them however you like on the table. I'll move them anyway. And sagalou. Well, what kind of pattern are you going to move them into? Oh, just close to me. I'll just bring them in. How close is your main plate and then how close are the other plates to that plate? How are you positioned in that? So the main ones go in front of me. Closest. Yeah. Straight in front of you. The side dish is sort of just to my right, just within hands reach. Sort of like one o'clock to the dinner plate. And then the drink is 11 o'clock to the left of my dinner plate. Mickey Mouse affair. Yeah, yeah.

What is this drink going to be? Well, if it's India, it's going to be a cobra, isn't it? Yes, it is. Yes. Yes, cobra beer. The best. Oh, I'm loving it. I love cobra so much. Me too. A big bottle or all a draft? Depends who else is there. If it's a big bottle, I'll probably share it. So I'm not a huge drinker. What about a cobra shandy? Yeah, I'd have a cobra shandy, but that's delicious. Or even ice cobra. And I can ice lolly cobra. Does that exist? No, but it should do, shouldn't it? Yeah, I'd love it. Right, that's your drink, then. A cobra frozen into an ice lolly. Yeah. Would you like that? Actually, no, I wouldn't like that because it'll hurt my teeth. I've got very sensitive teeth.

Because of all the oat milk you drink? Don't know what it is. I think I've just got very porous teeth. Porous? So you think your teeth soak in everything that you drink? You've got your teeth have got pores, they've got holes in them. Did you know that? I used to be a dental nurse. Did you? Yeah. So when you eat and drink stuff, your teeth suck it all up? Yeah, that's why if you have loads of red wine, you get sort of pink teeth because they're like tiny holes in your teeth, it's sucked in. The less enamel you've got on your teeth, the more your teeth will change colour. Wow. How long were you in the dental biz for? About two or three years. Can you remember the name of the person who had the worst teeth? No, I can't,

but I know we sent him to hospital. Yeah. Because he was frightened to go into the dentist, so he did his own teeth with a soldering iron and copper sulfate and it had gone green with verdigre. Is it called verdigre? Verdigre. You know when it goes to sort of greeny blue colour? Copper. Yeah. We couldn't do anything, we had to just send him to hospital. How old was he? How old? I don't know, probably like early 50s, I imagine. Did he come in for a regular check-up or was it an emergency appointment? No, he never got to the dentist. He hated going to the dentist. This is why he'd done it himself. Yeah. And he was desperate now, so he came to the dentist, but we couldn't help him. It was too

late. I mean, he didn't die, he would just send him to hospital. There was a lot of men that came in that would cry. Did you love it? No, I didn't love it, I hated it. Was that your last job before you got into comedy? No, I did that before I went to drama school. Before you met Octopus? Yeah. That's right, yeah. So you'd already seen the man with the copper teeth? Yeah, tell you what, it's been a roller coaster my life. No wonder you don't want to eat too much, every time you try and eat, you just, you've got all these horrible memories to draw on, make you feel sick. Yeah. Old green teeth and octopus jar. Yeah. So you're having a Cobra for your drink? I'm having a Cobra, I think, because it's an Indian. Yeah. If it wasn't an Indian, I probably wouldn't have a Cobra.

I'd probably have, like I say, I'm not a drinker, so my go-to drinks and either Sherry, a Snowball, which is Advocale and Lemonade, or Peach Snaps and Lemonade. What about your non-alcoholic drinks? What are you? Tea. Cup of tea. I love a cup of tea. I like a coffee. I love a coffee. It's really interesting what you were talking about, the Second World War and all of that with connected to food, because when you talk about food, Diane, you've got, you've really got a vibe of maybe someone in their 80s or 90s, I'd say. Yeah, I know that. Yeah, I've got a touch of the old man about me. I don't want to eat too much. I like a Snowball or Sherry. It's all, that's the tastes. No, I know this. Yeah. I like, when I was at drama school, I had a cheese sandwich every day

for three years. And it was just, it was just butter, cheese, bread. Yeah. And a cup of tea. That was it. I loved it. You loved it? I loved it. I didn't get sick of it. What kind of bread was it? White bread? It was actually a baguette, like a roll that, you know, a long baguette because in half, cheddar, loads of butter, salted butter, obviously. Delicious. Cup of tea. You can't get better than that. Do you used to look forward to that, or were you bored of it? Yeah, I did. Lunch cards. Every day for three years. My cheese baguette. Did other people notice? Yeah, I didn't notice until someone else, it was one of the women who worked in the canteen. Yeah. She'd say, cheese baguette again, Diane? Yes, please. She said, you love a cheese baguette, don't you?

So, yeah, I do. You're not having anything different? No. Why would I have something different? I know I like cheese baguettes. I've been waiting all morning for my lunch. I'm not going to risk having, like, something that's possibly going to be disgusting. Do you think they hired, like, staff at the drama school who specifically were, like, characters that the students could do an impression of? Yeah, they were lovely. Like, I hate a sandwich that's got lots of stuff in it, you know, like, peri peri sauce and all that shit. Just give me a pink corned beef sandwich or a bit of cheese. I've never met someone who doesn't like peri peri. Just unnecessary. Yeah. So, you like a sandwich to do what it says on the tin, right? If someone

says, do you want a cheese sandwich, you don't want anything apart from cheese. I don't want anything extraneous. No, there's no need. What would you do if you asked me for a cheese sandwich and I brought your cheese sandwich and I'd put mustard in it? What would you do? Oh, God. I'd say, sorry, I can't eat this. Yeah. Did I ask for mustard? No, but, you know, it's, you know, it's just to add a bit of flavour. Mustard and cheese. That's weird. Delicious. Mustard and cheese. What if Ed bought you a cheese sandwich and, because he's heard you a bit of a shred head, he put in the marmalade as well? Probably saw it across the room. But you're a shred head though.

We come to the dessert. I already know that I'm in safe hands here. I know that we're not going to go cheeseboard. To be fair, I'd actually laugh if Diane passed on this course. But I'm not sure she is going to pass on this course, but I have a feeling it might be something just like an apple. Yeah, it might be some wartime. Well, that's where you're wrong. All right, here we go. Because I'd go tiramisu. It is the most old man. Tiramisu's lovely. It is lovely. What's better, right, tell me, what is better than tiramisu? What is better than tiramisu? Just answer me, what is better than tiramisu?

What's better than tiramisu? I scream. I've explained about my teeth. Next question. What is better than tiramisu? You've got porous teeth. Hang on, tiramisu's got coffee in it. Is your teeth not going to suck up the coffee and make them black? Well, I'm not going to have that much. It's going to make my teeth brown. This is the thing. People who like tiramisu are adamant it is the best dessert. It is the best. It is the best. I like tiramisu, but anyone who is their favorite dessert, most people, they've got a favorite dessert and they accept the fact that everyone's got different favorite desserts. If your favorite dessert is a tiramisu, you are convinced this is

gospel. There is no other better dessert. It's like people who like Oasis. Yes. We've talked about many desserts on this podcast that we've had at different places that we like. I do love tiramisu. Do you like a melt in the middle pudding? I do like a melt in the middle pudding. I like cheesecakes. I like cakes. I like gatto. I like those sticky, fudgy, brownie kind of stuff. I can't think of a dessert I don't like. Yes, it's quite difficult, isn't it? Yes. Cheese and biscuits. It's not a dessert. It's not a dessert menu. No, it's a favorite. You're outvoted here, mate. Yes. Yes, outvoted how you feel. Well, here's how I feel. I don't like tiramisu. I think it's a bad dessert.

There's no variants of texture. I think a lot of the time they use completely flavorless cream. I think the only thing working is the biscuits, but then they're soaked in coffee, so you take away any texture that they once had. I think normally I'd say it's an old-fashioned dessert, Diane, but in the context of your menu, it's practically futuristic. Sounds to me like you've had a rubbish no frills tiramisu. Yes, possibly. I will admit that. Where's the best tiramisu you've ever had, Diane? Good question, James. It was a theater restaurant called, what's it called, that theater, the chocolate factory? The Menyei. The Menyei chocolate factory restaurant.

Their tiramisu, it was quite a few years ago now, but it blew my mind. I thought, this is the best dessert I've ever had. It was absolutely delicious. I couldn't believe it. Who were you with? I was there with my then-boyfriend and three other people who, and we'd come to see this girl who was in a play. I can't remember what the play was, but it was like, we had to go and see it because she was in a play. It wasn't like, oh, I've got to see this play. Sure. Did you say out loud to everyone that you were with? Yeah, it's lovely. I hope they still do it. I hope it's still on the menu. I think a lot of theaters are struggling at the moment, but a lot of theaters don't have

that tiramisu. Get tiramisu back on the menu and watch the people roll in. In this time of coronavirus, we've all got to pivot and try and find new ways of bringing in revenue, and it seems like the Menyei needs to just turn into a big tiramisu restaurant. Yes. I mean, it's called the chocolate factory. It's got a bit of chocolate on top of it, isn't it? Yeah, it's a bit of chocolate on top of a tiramisu. Dusting, a dusting. Yeah, just to lure you in. I will admit that I might have just had bad tiramisu's in the past, and I will keep going out there. If you're ever in there, try it. I will. I absolutely will. Let me know what you think, because it's...

Did you have the tiramisu before you saw the play or after you saw the play? I've got a feeling it was before. So were you thinking about the tiramisu all the way through watching the play? Yes. Yeah, it got me through it, actually. Yeah. I'd say I've never had a tiramisu I haven't liked, but I've also... I've had poor ones. I also would rarely order one. Right, yeah. I've had very sort of below par ones from supermarkets and a sort of plastic pot. You've really come alive during this course as well. I can tell that this is your favourite. This is absolutely your dessert. Absolutely. Not mine, but block off. Okay. Let's hear the menu, James. Yep. I'll read back your menu to you, Diane.

See how you feel about it. Okay. You would like still water. Yes. Poppidoms or bread you chose. Poppidoms were just lime pickle and you also asked for some shredded marmalade. No, I'll take that off. You insisted that you were... I would say you pushed me into it. I don't want... I've got written down here that you insisted to be referred to as a shredhead. Starter. Pass. Absolutely. I can't believe we've had another pass on starter. Main course. Curry, unspecific, with rice. Also unspecific, but like at the start of it, you said that you like... Chicken boner. I'd usually go chicken boner or chicken gel frazi.

I agree with you on gel frazi. I'm crazy for gel frazi. Yes, great. Crazy for the frazi. Yeah. Side dish, sagalou, slash paneer. Couldn't really make your mind up, but it'd be at the one o'clock on the dimming clock. Yes. Yeah. Absolutely. Drink Cobra beer all the way. Yeah. Yeah. Like it's shared with the waiter. Shared with the waiter. Yeah. Got written here that you were... Is this the monkey waiter? The dinner jacket. Genie waiter. You would give him... Oh, right. You, right. Oh, I forgot about you. You were a genie waiter.

You can turn yourself into a monkey in a dinner jacket, can't you? Yes. Yes. Do you want me to be a monkey in a dinner jacket for the time being? Oh, yes, please. One of the PG tips monkeys, you know. Absolutely. Dessert. Tummasu from the Minier Chocolate Factory. Yes. How are you feeling about that? You're not too full, I hope. I'm happy with that. I'm happy with that. Are you happy? Yeah. That's Bob on. Are you happy, James? Because you look worried, James.

Yeah. Well, the whole thing seemed normal at the time, but reading it back does seem weird. I actually don't think it is weird at all, because what Diane's done, which a lot of people don't do, and this is all credits to you, Diane, is you've got a consistent meal, really. Because a lot of people all pick, like, they might pick poppadoms and then not have a curry, or they might pick a curry and then have a side dish that doesn't go with a curry. Well, the only thing that doesn't fit in is the Tummasu now, isn't it?

Yeah, but I could imagine that being a dessert in a curry house. Well, it's Italian, though. I know, but I could imagine a curry house with a Tummasu, or maybe on a dessert trolley or something. It shouldn't be in there. It shouldn't be in there. Are you changing your mind? Are you going to pass on dessert? Well, you see, if I'm in a curry house, I don't really go for that, puddings. Yeah. But so you wouldn't have a pudding at all? Actually, what's that chain of Indian restaurants? Dishoom.

They do a nice sort of rice pudding dessert. I don't normally go for rice pudding, but... You've had rice with a curry? Yeah, it's a lot of rice. That's fine. It's no rules, isn't it? No. No rules. They can have as much rice as you want. So you're going to stick with a Tummasu, or are you going to go with a rice pudding? I'm going to stick with a Tummasu. Yeah, okay. I think that's a good decision. There we go.

Do you feel satisfied with that meal? You're happy with it? Do. It's great. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks for coming to the Dream Restaurant. Thanks for having me. Do you have a message for all the other Shred Heads out there before we go? It's the message of Solidarity. Not a Shred Head. You forced me into that. We just thought, you know... Shouldn't we go out with a bang or something?

Is this the end of it now? Well, I thought the bang we could go out on. Should we try it off? You could give her like a spying speech toward the Shred Heads, so that could be a nice bang to go out on. I prefer Marmalade to Marmalade. And that's the bang. There we go. Thank you very much, Diane. Thank you for having me.

Well, there we have it. The off-menu menu of Diane Morgan. What are we? I mean, pretty much straight away, I was like, I'm not sure she wants to be in the restaurant. Which was nice. Too many people want to be in the Dream Restaurant. Well, that's what I'm saying. It's good to vary it up. She took us to task on everything. She wasn't taking any bullshit.

We weren't going to force her into having a starter. She wasn't having that. She captured my heart. She didn't want the starter. She hates cheese and biscuits for dessert. Yeah, it's true. My kind of person. I was delighted. Look, and it was very clear that me and Diane operate on different planes when it comes to the food. But you know what? I still enjoyed having her at the restaurant.

And even though she absolutely loved rice and kept on putting rice with everything, she did not choose rice paper. So we flew a bit closer to the sun there, Diane, but we survived. I think if she had said rice paper and we'd asked her to leave the restaurant, she would have been the only guest completely happy to leave straight away. She wouldn't have even questioned that.

She would have gone, all right, and shut her computer. Either that, or I think she would have got angry with us and demanded to speak to the manager. Yeah, that's true. And then we would have had to get the Great Benito on. Yeah, we would have the Great Benito on. And then there'd be a Trip Advisor review about us from Diane, saying how awful it was and how angry she was being kicked out for ordering rice paper.

And I should eat whatever I like. I felt like she likes tiramisu. She liked tiramisu so much that she skipped the starter to make the tiramisu happen quicker. Yeah, what she didn't count on was that, it doesn't matter if she skipped a course, we're still going to ask her for ages, about the difference between preserves.

It's just a shred head or not. So she didn't bank on the fact that it doesn't matter if you skip a course. We will talk about it for ages anyway. Yeah, you're right. She did not bank on the fact that we're absolute idiots. Yep. But anyway, a brilliant episode. Diane's new show, Mandy, is on BBC Two very soon,

so keep an eye out for that. It is bound to be brilliant. Me and James are doing this. Yeah, pretty much just doing this. Oh, I've also got a podcast called James Acas's Perfect Sounds about music from 2016, best year for music of all time. Oh, and I've also got a music podcast available. The full series is available on Spotify.

It's called Life as it's about heavy metal. I got to meet some of my heroes. I love the fact that we both have music podcast said. Me too. It's so great. People can listen to our menu about food and then listen to our music podcast afterwards while they're maybe eating a meal.

And then, you know, have some music on in the background while listening to our menu. I wouldn't advise that necessarily. Well, a little bit of a just, yeah, thrown out there. Oh, leave us a review on iTunes. Why not go and sling us five stars? Leave us a review. It just helps with the chart position and stuff.

I want to be number one on TripAdvisor with the Dream Restaurant. So someone out there on the internet can figure out how to get the Dream Restaurant onto TripAdvisor and then if all the people who listen to this podcast can go onto TripAdvisor and give the Dream Restaurant great reviews, that would be my dream to dominate TripAdvisor. I think you need like an official address maybe in some pictures of the restaurant.

Heaven. TripAdvisor. Heaven. No, but that's not an official address. Maybe like Big Ben or something. Yeah, okay. Top of Big Ben. Yeah, magical.

Because that's the closest. That's scientifically the closest to heaven a human can get. It is the closest that any human can get to heaven is the top of Big Ben. Yes. So please someone figure out how to do that will be forever in your debt. What we want.

Thank you very much. So don't forget your task as listeners. Leave a review on iTunes. Five stars. Thank you very much. Tell your friends about this podcast. Follow us on Twitter at Off Menu Official Instagram the same. And then also set up the Dream Restaurant on TripAdvisor.

And the location is the top of Big Ben. And give it five stars. Thank you very much for listening. Very dangerous for Ed Bin at the top of Big Ben. Because it's close to the scene of the crime. Do you mean the Thames? Yes. Yes.

You might tumble off of the top of Big Ben. Now I enjoy this joke. I do enjoy the joke about the Thames. It's a lot of fun. Sometimes though, when I'm, you know, occasionally I might, I, you know, I help out with some diabetic charities or diabetes activism. And I'll post like quite a serious thing.

The first five responses I always get are, well then you shouldn't have fallen in the Thames. I don't agree with that. I don't think people should be posting. Well, I don't, well, you say you don't agree with it, but your face would suggest you absolutely agree with it. I think it's slightly funny, but not, I would, I wouldn't do it myself.

No, well, because you don't have social media. Luckily, you have, you've basically set a load of people on to do it, do it themselves. Yes. I mean, I don't think they should be blaming you and saying you shouldn't have fallen in the Thames. That's very much the, the attitude is, why did you fall in the Thames if you didn't want diabetes? Well, I guess everyone's learning at different paces

and speeds and stuff. They're just like educating themselves slowly. Yeah. But sorry that you have to be on the receiving end of that. But I'm just saying, maybe don't go to the top of Big Ben. But like, if I've, what? So you're worried that I'll go to the top of Big Ben and fall into the, again.

Yes. How will I fall into the Thames from the top of Big Ben? It's quite near to the Thames, isn't it? It's not, you can't fall into it from the Thames though. It's not. What if a gust caught you? A bit, it'd have to be a big old gust, mate. Yeah, it would blow you into the Thames.

It's pretty close. Thank you very much for listening. We will see you again next week. Bye. Hello, my name's Rob Orton and I do the Rob Orton Daily Podcast. The Rob Orton Daily Podcast is a daily podcast that is quite short. Some are two minutes long, some are 10 minutes long and they are stories and poems.

And basically, all the thoughts I've ever had that I like enough to want to share with people. And the Rob Orton Podcast is available on Apple, Acast, Spotify, all the other places where you normally get your podcasts. And on social media, it is at Rob Orton Podcast. Thank you. Hello, it's me, Amy Gladhill. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu,

where Spooked and My Mum and Astro About Seaweed on mashed potato. Our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case... Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here sneaking into your podcast experience

to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the new stories that we've missed out from the North because, look, we're two Northerners, sure, but we've been living in London for a long time. The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off.

And that's a new podcast called Northern News. We'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glittle's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it?

Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.