Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 74: Anthony Jeselnik

Episode Date: September 16, 2020

In what is surely to become a much-talked about Off Menu episode, US stand-up and Netflix star Anthony Jeselnik joins us in the dream restaurant and questions the Mash King’s authority. Oh and – obviously – this episode was recorded pre-pandemic.Watch Anthony Jeselnik’s latest Netflix special ‘Fire in the Maternity Ward’.Follow Anthony on Twitter: @anthonyjeselnikRecorded by Ben Williams and edited by Naomi Parnell for Plosive Productions.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? And you can actually enjoy this podcast raw because it's of the highest quality. Welcome to the Off Menu podcast. Thank you very much, Ed Gamble. James A. Caster here. How are you? Very well. Thank you. You sound like a sort of a 1940s man today. Yeah, well, every day really. Really? Oh, yeah. That's what I'm going for. No one else notices. Yeah, you've really missed, I think. No, fair enough. Maybe I'll just challenge a man in his 40s. Yes, that's possibly it. This is the Off Menu podcast. It's a food podcast

where we chat to a special guest about a certain thing. James, what is that certain thing? Oh, we're going to ask them their favorite ever. Start a main course dessert side dish and drink. Yes, we are. And our special guest this week from LA Los Angeles, where we are right now is the comedian, Anthony Gieselnik. Gieselnik. He is a very, very good comedian. You may have seen his work. He's got specials out there. He's pretty excellent, to be honest, all around. What a guy. So we are going to be welcoming him into the Off Menu restaurant, to have a chat to him about his dream meal. But James, if he says the secret ingredients, we will be kicking him out of the restaurant. Bye-bye, Anthony. Absolutely. And this week,

the secret ingredient is iced gems. Ice gems. I've always hated them, never liked them. Where do you stand on ice gems, James? I don't get them. I don't really get them. I don't think the biscuit or the icing bit are good separately, let alone together. I don't think the textures go very well together. Correct. I don't really see the point. There's no variants in texture. They crumbly biscuit, too dry, and a sharp gem. Yeah. Dangerous for the mouth. So, if Anthony Gieselnik says iced gems, we will remove him from the restaurant. Yep. So, without further ado, this is the Off Menu of Anthony Gieselnik. Welcome, Anthony Gieselnik, to the dream restaurant. Thank you. It's a pleasure to be here.

Welcome, Anthony Gieselnik, to the dream restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. That was a very quick way of talking there. I thought I'd speak talk. Speak talk? I thought I'd speak talk quick, you. Yeah. And you said you've been waiting, but I think I'm a little bit early. Yeah, you are early, actually. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Which is very do you like to be early for things? Yes. I think being a comedian, you're either early or you're always really, really late that I decided I'm going to be on the early side. You've always been getting there. I'm like that. I get there early a lot. And then I always think when I'm waiting for the people, I think why have I done this to myself

again? I get really annoyed that like I'm the guy waiting around. Yeah, I'm being taken advantage of, but the stress I have being late is worse than being annoyed at someone for being late. And then you have moral superiority. Sure. You get to do that. I imagine when I'm late, I start to imagine what they're going to say to me for being late. Like, even though normally, if you're late, they just go, oh, hi. Yeah. And that's it. In my head, they're going to be like, oh, yeah, nice of you to join us, mate. We always had to wait around for you. And now I've got to think of an excuse and something that, and thank you for asking for that. It's always a lie. Whenever someone's like, I'm late because you're like, you don't have to lie to me. Yeah. Yeah. It's just

late. Yeah. It just didn't leave on time. You didn't care enough about me. Yeah. That's what happened. I'm always early for stuff. I like being organized. I like being early. I've tried being the late guy. I've literally gone, I'm going to try and be late and see how it feels. It feels fucking awful. It's terrible. Yeah. I've tried being the late guy with a coffee as well. Late with a coffee is, I think, the worst sort of human being you can be. Yeah. It's like, well, you were late and you still wouldn't got a coffee. Yeah. Late with a coffee really stings when they turn up. There's holding the coffee and, oh, sorry. I was, no, you're not sorry. Oh, you better have two coffees. Yeah. Otherwise, I'm upset. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, that stuff is, yeah. I don't, sometimes I'm with a person who is always late and we're leaving together and watching what makes them late is infuriated. Yeah. Especially if they have nothing to do. You know, you just started getting ready late. Yeah. I just came from work and I'm here to pick you up and you're, you're not ready, unacceptable. This is so, so frustrating. And the amount of time, when you get inside and tell their mind works as well as they're like, well, just take us 25 minutes to get there and you know it's an hour away. Yeah. And you're like, how have you arrived at 25? Yeah. How has that come into your head? But you're here early for the restaurant reservation. Is that something that you'll do? Get somewhere early for a restaurant

reservation and then have like a drink in the bar or something? Yeah. If I'm meeting someone there, if it's just me with my, with my date or with my friends, then I can show, I don't mind being five minutes late. Yeah. You know, if I'm, if I'm getting to a table, I tip well. So, which is an American thing. I don't know if you guys even do that. We don't do it. Yeah. If anything, we'll steal money out of the waitresses pocket on the way out. Smart. Yeah. Yeah. I've gone, I've been in Europe and I'll tip and they're like, oh, we don't do that here. And I just say, I'm American and leave it anyway. I'm like, they must be grateful in some way, but I think they just think you're a jerk. No, no, no. I think it's quite nice. In the UK, if you tips and stuff. Yeah,

no, you don't, but I like the tipping culture here. I enjoy it. It makes me feel like I'm actually contributing towards something. I just want people to like me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's the only way I can do that. Yeah. Just do that for everyone. Just leave some money. When you leave tonight, are we going to see a little, little coin on the table? Check under your pillow. We always start with still sparkling water on the podcast, the choice of. I'm going to go sparkling. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. I'm not always sparkling, but I enjoy like, if I'm on an empty stomach, I like to open it up a little bit with some sparkling water. Oh, do you feel like the sparkling

is opening up the stomach? I do. I do. I'll drink, I'll drink a bottle of it in the morning, and I feel like it opens it up a little bit. I'm not a hungry person in the morning. Yeah. So yeah. So empty stomach, sparkling water. And the bubbles kind of like push it out. And you get a big bubbly stomach. You sound like you're making fun of me right now, but yes. That's absolutely true. That's how James sounds. Yeah. Yeah. That's how I talk. I think that, you know, that's sparkling water cleans your teeth. Yeah. That's mad. That's what I've said on the podcast before. So something that expands their stomach isn't going to sound worse than me. I have heard that scientifically the fastest way to hydrate, if you're dehydrated,

is cold sparkling water. Right. Yeah. So if I'm hungover or I come home late and I've had too much to drink, I order a bunch of cold sparkling water and drink as much as I can. I don't know if it's true, but I've heard that. Have you found it helps? I've no idea. No, no idea. Just feel awful anyway. You pass out five seconds later. I'm old enough now that like hangover cures can only do so much. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Because they're lasting longer or they're hitting you harder. Both. Both. Merry Christmas. Yeah. Yeah. Me and Ed went out recently together and Ed had a hangover and I didn't. And we had drunk pretty much the same amount and it made me feel not having a hangover feels even better when you know that someone else who you're out with. Oh, absolutely.

You feel like a god. Did you guys drink the same liquor or the same beer or like? Roughly. Not exactly the same, to be fair. We're having the wines and the taste of menu. Oh, yeah. So we had the same wines and then we went out afterwards. And then that's when I make the mistakes because then I'm switching. I think I had a beer and then I had a gin and tonic. Yeah. And then I might have had another wine and then it's just game over. Yeah. The gin and tonic, I think, is the deal break. I used to think that that was like a healthy drink. Yeah. Yeah. And it's not, it's not at all. And it's sort of sparkling. I thought I'll open my stomach up. I'll get the hangover cure in now, but it didn't work like that. It was awful. I fell out of death. That is

where you went. I remember I just had beers after the wine, but I remember seeing you get a gin and tonic and I thought, uh-oh. But I was thinking beer, then wine, feeling fine. And you went wine, then beer, oh dear. Yeah. And I went wine, then beer, then gin and tonic. Hangover's gonna be chronic. Yeah. Oh my God. I didn't know the rhyme. Wow. You know that rhyme, right? I mean, I've never agreed with any of those rhymes. No. Like they say beer before liquor and never sicker, but it's just because you drink beer faster. Yeah. So when you switch to liquor, you drink it as fast as you would drink a beer. There's not really a chemistry to it. Yeah. It's more just like how quickly you drink. Oh, so it's just about speed. Yes. In volume. In America, you have like speedy in

contests. We don't have that back home. No? No, no. We just like, you know, I mean, drink wise, we just drink too much. Too much. But this here, you have hot dog eating contests, stuff like that. Yeah. They're huge. People love it. How many have you done today? I mean, I've walked by a few, but I'm waiting till later on tonight to compete myself. Yeah. It's an amateur one. Well, you're on your way here and you don't want to be late. And the worst thing you can be is late with a hot dog. Especially if you've been in a contest. Yeah. You got mustard on your face. Here's the thing. Usually, at this point in the podcast, after he's talked about the water, I'd shout poppadoms or bread at you really loud. Ed, I'll say this to you. I find Anthony is like,

I'm more afraid of him than any other guest we've ever had. It does seem like a guy who wouldn't take any shit. This is true. And so far, I feel like if I don't expect him to shout at you, I'm going to be in trouble. Yeah. I would definitely control the sound of your voice. Yeah. I didn't feel like it would go well. No. If I yelled at you suddenly out of nowhere. I mean, I did it to so many people. Yeah. Yelled at Terry Hatch. I didn't give it a second thought. Yeah. But you have a natural authority as well. And I also don't think if he shouted at you, I don't think it would affect you at all. No, I wouldn't be thrown by it. Yeah.

But whatever you're going to say next, I would write it down and then pass me a piece of paper just to be safe. Yeah. He built it up too much. Would you prefer that he did everything through me at this point? Yes. Yeah. Okay. Cool. Yeah. That would be great. Can you ask Anthony? Would you like poppadoms or bread, Anthony? What is a poppadom? He says, what is a poppadom? A poppadom is like a big, like you get before like your starters at an Indian restaurant traditionally. I know what it is. It's a very large, it's like a big crisp. Yeah. Gotcha. Like potato chip. Gotcha. I'll take bread, thank you. Absolutely. What sort of bread would you like? I'll take a, you know, I'm going to take a pretzel roll. Oh, yeah? Yeah. No, we do pretzel rolls much

here. Sorry, back home. We're in LA now. We're in LA now. We don't do pretzel rolls. Oh, God, I just looked at him and he looked right at me. I thought this was magic restaurant time and I could have whatever I wanted. Absolutely is. And you definitely can have it. It's just that your eyes then pierced my soul and you know they did. You've done that look to people before. I don't know that people have told me my eye contact is pretty, pretty severe. It's intense. Yeah. Yes. But like I like, don't be wrong, I like it. Yeah. But it also terrifies me because I'm easily scared. You don't seem like somebody who is easily scared. I've been scared my whole life of everything. No. But you seem like if I was like in a, in like a film where I get like wishes and I'm not the

genie for once and I get to just wish and stuff, I'll be like, I'll wish I was, I'll probably wish to be like you. You're not the genie for once. Like how often are you the genie? I'm the genie in the restaurant. I get to get you any food you want for many times in your life. That's quite a nice feeling for me. So I'm a genie in this circumstances. But that would suggest you're a genie a lot of other circumstances as well. Yeah. Like you have been a genie at some point. Yeah. And someone wished that you would have your freedom. Yeah. Now you have a podcast. Yeah. Yeah. That's what most genies would do with their freedom. Yeah. Be immediately have a podcast. Yeah. Well, James found a genie and he had three wishes and he only used the first two,

which was to be a genie and have his own podcast. Yes. Yeah. Bam. Bam. Smart. You keep saying I'm not afraid. What about you? Do you think it's threatening in any way? Yeah. Well, you're absolutely I don't mean you'd be afraid of me. I just mean like I can just see it in your eyes. You've never been afraid of anything your whole life. That's not true. I think as a child, I was afraid. And then I realized that fear is ridiculous. It's you don't really have to be afraid. It's irrational. Yeah. But now. All fear. And people are afraid of me. I have what they call in America. I don't really have it over there. A resting bitch face. Right. Okay. Even if I'm just like having a great time, people look at me and they're like, he's about to snap. Yeah. That's how I feel. Yeah.

I feel like you're going to snap. You're going to rip Bonito's head off. Yeah. The great Bonita. Yeah. Well, I mean, in this case, you are correct. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Does that help in like a restaurant scenario where do you think people are sort of tiptoeing around you a bit more or maybe working a bit harder on the dishes because they're like, that guy looks angry. We're going to keep that a little bit. I once did snap at a waiter. I was I was on a date and I told my day we were in a nice steak restaurant and we're starving and I said, I'm going to order for you. I'll order for the lady and the waiter comes over and I say, we'll have and he goes, excuse me, sir, the lady orders first. And I almost flipped the table Frank Sinatra style and I was like, get away from me

and send over anyone else. Whoever you want to get tipped the most because I am about to lose it. And if I hadn't been so hungry, I would have left on the spot, but otherwise I get along pretty well. Now the hunger hunger anger. Yes. I think I have that once a day. Yes. And it's for the whole day. Yeah. Yeah. It's for the whole day. These guys have had to deal with me in restaurant scenarios during the trip away. I don't deal well with it at all. Having to wait in line for food, having to try and get away to attention. I'm terrible at it. Are you aware of the anger when it's happening? Like if I'm, if I'm angry, I don't know it until I eat and I'm like, oh, that's why I was so mad. Oh, yeah. I thought that I was just in a bad we're like,

something's happening to me. I realized I was just hungry. Yes. I realized what's happening and I feel like a bad person. And then I eat and then I feel bad about having eaten so much. So it's just a constant cycle. Yeah. I really try and control it when I feel I realized at the time I'm only angry because I'm hungry. And then I start to really try and control it. But then that becomes stressful. And then really I should just, I should just have a pocket full of buns all the time. And I can just eat a bun whenever I feel angry. So the message of this podcast is you have to eat every day multiple times. Yeah. I think broadly that's the message. So it's educational. Yeah. It's good to get, it's good to finally dig down and get the message of

this podcast out there. It's been obscured for so long. I think so. So pretzel roll. Lovely. I'm not sure I've had a pretzel roll before. No, no, if I've had one. If it's there on the tray, if they got like multiple pieces of bread, I'll take that. But otherwise, French bread is great. White bread, wheat, I'll eat it all. There's no bread. I'm like, no, I don't eat that. Sure. So you, but, but this pretzel roll, do you want it warm? Yes, please. Absolutely. And he's got like salt on it and stuff. Like brown ones with salt on top. Delicious. Yeah. Any butter with that? Please. Little butter, a little bit of salt on it. Yeah. It would be delicious. Yeah. Salt in the butter, salt in the roll. Do you want the salt to like

be the same salt or do you want bigger salt on your pretzel roll in the butter? I think there's pretzel salt and then there's like table salt. Yeah. You know, the different kinds of salt. Yeah. I don't want to see sea salt on the table. You don't see it anywhere. You don't want to see it. Not with the bread. I like sea salt. I'm not a maniac. Yeah. But you would like it like from a salt mine. I think all salt from salt mine. I don't want to create it in the lab. No lab salt. Put that down please. I'm going to move my iPad. Now, when Ed's iPad was digging there, how did you feel about it? Because I thought that was yours. So I was like, well, fair enough, it's the guest's appliance.

No. But you obviously knew that it wasn't yours. My phone is on airplane mode like a gentleman. So you wasn't. Well, so is mine, but I'm new to the iPad game, so I forgot I had it. Yeah. I mean, there's no way you could have known how iPads work. As a comedian, I'm used to phones going off, little distractions. Yeah. And I'm a pro. I can just power through it. I don't have to jump up and run around and then talk about it for a few minutes. Yeah. Yeah. That was pretty bad. Here's how I feel. If you'd been saying that to James, he would have shit himself during that conversation. I did anyway. I was loving it. Yeah. You liked it. Yeah. Yeah. I really enjoyed it. Oh, no. I keep thinking about when you nearly

flipped the table over when that guy told you the lady has to order first. Yeah. Now that's just in my head forever. It was disrespect. Also, I feel like some listeners will have some questions about that story that we should ask. What do you mean? I don't think we've had someone on the podcast before who has said that they were on a date and said to the other person and told them, I'll order for you, which I've never heard that. You ask. It's like, can I order? Like, sometimes they like it. Sometimes a lady likes it if you order for them. It depends on what you're getting. If you know, if you know, like if it's a steak restaurant, you know, we're getting the surf and turf and then these are the sides. It's easier to order for the lady. But if it's

like a big menu and you don't know what they're going to get, I let them order. It's not like a thing. It's like a fun thing to do every once in a while. Okay. Yeah. But you have to say now, I'll order for the lady. You have to start like that. That way, the waiter doesn't jump in and humiliate you. Oh, really? Oh, so that was you felt humiliated when they said that? Like, you told you off of it? 100%. It's like, if someone corrects your grammar or like, Shush is you, doesn't matter if they're right, you hate them forever. Sure. No one likes a Shusha. Yeah, Ed's definitely a Shusha. He's just multiple times on this holiday. Yeah. I just have to just look at them. Yeah. Oh my God. You're damn right, you do. I mean, there's so many things I still

want to disagree with you on on the ordering for people thing, but I don't fucking care. Not for people. I'm absolutely terrified. Or if you, you know, I sat down with a group of people and been like, I've been to this restaurant 100 times. Let me, do you guys mind if I order for the table and then you just order a bunch of stuff and everyone splits it? That's fun. Yeah. I like to pick up the check. That way I can order whatever I want. If I want to order the nice bottle of wine, I don't want everyone having to split the check with me. Sure. I want to order what I want. You guys enjoy it. Yeah. And I'm going to take over here and pay for everything. Oh, so this is when you're paying for it? You have to be paying. Yeah. If you're not paying for it and you order

like that, then you're a complete jerk. Although I once, I once went to a restaurant that the guy owned. It was like, I was at a comedy festival and this guy's like, bring your friends in, sat down at the table with us, ordered for the entire table, charged us for every single thing, every drink, everything he ordered, every appetizer and we couldn't believe it and we paid it. But that was a shock. I had that once before a gig on a tiny little island off of the United Kingdom and we got there and the guy was like, organize you this meal beforehand, the promoter of the gig and he also turned out to own the restaurant and we got the meal and then we had to pay for it and I was not expecting that. No. It was quite the surprise. It's always a shock.

It's a good way to run a restaurant though, isn't it? Just invite people to come to your restaurant and then make them pay for everything you've given them. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. I know what I've just done there is just describe every restaurant. That is every restaurant's trick, actually, isn't it? Every restaurant does that trick. They say, come to our restaurant and then you go and then you've got to pay for it. Yeah, but if they just like bring something out, you have not ordered and like the chef would like you to have this and they charge you for it. That's a crime. Absolutely. So, we've come to something that you have ordered. Nice little segue. Well done. Fair enough. Your starter. Raw oysters straight out of the ocean, chilled. Yeah, that's pretty good. How

straight out of the ocean do you want them? Do you want to pluck them out yourself? When I used to work at a restaurant on Martha's Vineyard, which is like a famous island off the coast of America here, and I worked in a restaurant and at the end of my shift, I worked the lunch shift. It was a seafood restaurant. They bring me in oysters right out of the ocean. I put them in a big thing of ice water for like an hour, chilled them because that opens them up a little bit. And the last hour of my shift, I would take the little oyster knife and cut them in half and prepare them for the night shift and I could eat as many as I wanted. Oh, wow. And it was just the most delicious thing ever that the fresher they are, the better they are. I don't even put cocktail

sauce on them. I don't put vinegar on them. I just like them just that. I want to taste the ocean in each oyster. So that's the ultimate appetizer for me. Sounds delicious. What's the most amount of oysters you think you could eat before you started getting fed up of oysters in one session? When I was in college, just before I worked on Martha's Vineyard, I had heard that oysters were an aphrodisiac, that if you ate oysters, it made you want to have sex more. And I would go on dates if you guys didn't know what an aphrodisiac was. We don't have those in the UK. I once went to, and I went to school in New Orleans where they had great seafood and amazing oysters, and I took a date and I was like, let's see how many we can eat and how how horny we get.

And I think we ate... Let's see how many we can eat and how horny we get. I want to say three dozen oysters between two people, so a dozen and a half. And how and how horny do we get? I mean, I was in college, so the same horny I was throughout college. Yeah, it's like the Haggobys do it. You don't know how much difference that's making. You're already at maximum horny. Exactly. It didn't do anything. Yeah, I suppose for the real test, you're going to have to wait until you're like a really old man and then eat loads of oysters and see what happens. Well, I think now there's so many chemicals in the ocean that I bet there's got to be Viagra in oysters. You don't have to worry about it. You get your dosage of cocaine, anti-depressants in

Viagra no matter what you're eating. Yeah, they've absorbed all of that. Yeah, for sure. Does that mean are oysters always horny themselves? Good question. I mean, there are so many of them. You got to imagine their boning. I got to say, yeah, I'm going to go ahead and say yes. Because they're always tasting themselves. Do you know what I mean? Are they? Yeah. Think about what your tongue tastes like. You have no idea what you're tasting it all the time. That's what oysters, that's what they have to deal with. It's blowing my mind. I'm always tasting my tongue. But they're in their shell, right? So they're not horny and getting off with each other. They're just locking themselves in their shell and like really going at themselves,

right? Yeah, so look. Yeah, I think they masturbate and then throw it at each other. They open their shells just a little bit just enough to chuck it in. Best way to do it. I guess, yeah, if that's how you have to reproduce, then yeah, you're going to need to be really horny to do that. I don't think they have to. I think they just enjoy it. Yeah, let's enjoy. Yeah, like oysters, dolphins and humans and monkeys have sex for pleasure. Right. Otherwise, they're just trying to procreate. They're the only ones. I don't know about you, but when you said those four things, all have sex for pleasure, I'd imagine them all fucking each other just then. That's what I meant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I wasn't there at all. You guys had that cross species orgy in your mind.

Yeah, I guess you've never been to a zoo. No. That's pretty much what it's like. Is that all it's like all the time? Is this one, all the animals banging? Wow. Just those four. Oh, just those four. For pleasure. Because the other ones are doing it just to put on a show. Yeah. So your main course after those delicious oysters, after the oysters, no more fish for me. No, I'm going, I'm going steak guys. We're going not just any steak. Yeah, I'm going. I'm going to read this because I want to make sure that I get it exactly right. USDA prime dry aged 35 days sirloin steak medium rare plus wow. My favorite steak house in Los Angeles is a place called cut. It's a Wolfgang Pucks steak

house here. And they have like one of those steak samplers you can get where you get like the wagyu and the different kinds. And this one, the 35 day dry aged grass fed. I was like, this is the best thing I've ever had. And now whenever I go, I get that one. So I've like, I've done the taste test. And I know exactly which one is the best. And I love any kind of steak. I enjoy the dry aged the more the better. It's always more interesting. It's not always a better steak, but it's interesting. I recently had like a 450 day dry aged steak. What didn't even taste like steak. Didn't look like steak. It was almost like a jerky aspect to it, but it was delicious. And you wouldn't want to eat it all the time. But if they have it, you got to order it.

That that I'll do if I'm going like perfect meal magic restaurant, 35 day dry aged grass fed sirloin 450 days seems mad. Yeah. I mean, at some point they celebrate the new year with that steak. They have it like they call it a birthday steak when it gets to 365. Well, they just cut pieces off until it's gone. But then this one, they were just like, let's wait until 400 and then see how long it can last. And if you dried something, it can last forever. Wow. But it's, you know, I got obsessed with a which I've showed you this. So there's a YouTube account of a guy who sous vides everything. He what he sous vides everything, you know, that method of cooking where you like put it in a vacuum pack and then put it in like a warm bath of water. Okay. I didn't know

that was what's called. Yeah. So he just sous vides everything. And then he he did a brisket. He sous vided brisket for a month in in slightly warm water. And he's checking in on it every day and looking at it and couldn't wait to eat it. And the video goes on for about half an hour. And then he tastes it and is disgusting. I mean, that's the kind of thing like when that guy dies, no one's going to ask why. You live your life like that. That's how it's going to go. Because you need to get a steak above a certain temperature or like a brisket above a certain temperature for it to be safe to eat. And he did not get it there. It was like 30 degrees for a month. And then he ate some. And yeah, actually, I didn't put any more videos up. So yeah, no,

absolutely. He hasn't no more birthday states for him. If you know what I'm saying, no more birthdays. He's dead. He's dead. Yeah, I get it. I'm just why you weren't you weren't you weren't laughing or applauded. I mean, I still got it. Didn't applaud the joke. But you know, so medium rare, medium rare plus, I say, what do you mean above that? It's like in between medium and medium rare. And I'll tell you why. Okay, since you're asking. Yes. Steak restaurants undercook your steak on purpose. Because if they overcook it and you send it back, they got to throw out the steak. If they undercook it, then they can they can cook it a little more. So you say medium rare plus, it's basically like exactly what you want. They kind of try to

get it in. But because I want perfect medium rare. Yeah, I don't want undercooked medium rare. And I hate sending things back. So you say medium rare plus, it's like, let's undercook medium. And then you get the perfect steak. I did not know that. That is quite I have no idea that they undercook it on purpose. It makes sense because it just saves them money. And some restaurants won't do it. They say, medium we prefer meat. We the chef recommends medium rare. We don't do medium rare plus. So I'll say medium rare plus, whatever that means to you. Yeah, and they get they get it. Oh, like you're speaking code, like magicians do like pen and tell the dude. I want to be rude about this. I'm not I'm not particular or dainty with my food. But do what do what you think is

best. But you know what I mean when I say medium or plus. Yeah, they know what you're talking about. What is the worst steak you've ever had? I was on a date. And the date was not going well. And we were at a steak house where they're famous for their for like how they cook the steak. It's perfect. And they overcooked the shit out of mine. Like it was brutal. What was like gray. And I asked for medium rare medium or plus. It was gray. And they were like, Oh, we'll take it back and get you another one. But I wanted the date to be over. So I'm like, no, this is actually exactly how I wanted it. And I wafted it down and it was it was brutal. It was brutal. Have you ever been to Morton's steakhouse in LA? I have. James went there and he shot his pants. Yes. Like right away.

Or basically, it wasn't to do with the steakhouse. It was I had some a case of deer from a food truck the night before I woke up in the middle of the night, just chat for ages. And then I had to go and do my first bit of American television, held it in for that, went straight to a steakhouse. My agent at the time, he wanted to celebrate the TV appearance by going to a steakhouse. And as soon as we went in there, I went to the toilet. But then when I went to the toilet, I was like, actually, no, I only need a wee now. It's fine. Let's go for it. So I started wean, and then I shot myself. And that's what happened. Well, now you have this great dinner story you can tell. Yeah, whenever people are eating. Yeah, I can tell that to people around the

dinner table and stuff like that. But like, you know, it's not far from here. So now do you always sit down to wee? Yeah, be safe. Oh, it's nice. So anyway, isn't it? Do you like it? I don't do that. No, I don't know why I asked that you would do that. There's no way that you would do that. I shit standing up. Yeah. Yeah, from a from a height into the bowl, and he hit it every time. I would imagine. Yeah, there's no sitting down, probably getting tasks done as you're standing up doing the shit, right? Like fixing a car. Lift weights. Yeah. It's like a standing desk. You've got a standing toilet at home. Yeah. Yeah. Annihilating tasks. Man, I can only imagine. Also, like, I'm going to try and like think about how next time I order a steak, I'm going to want to

say medium red plus. Yeah. But what will happen with me is I'll say medium red plus and they'll say we don't do that and I'll go, I'm sorry. You don't have to apologize. But I will. I'll go, I'm so sorry. Say medium red plus, whatever that means to you. Whatever that means to you. Because I once asked a waiter, I said, listen, when I say medium red plus, are you just like, yeah, it's all medium rare and then put it in? Or is that and she showed me on the thing there was a key for medium red plus, like it's popular enough now that people people know it. It's a real thing. You used to have to do the thing when you squeeze your hand to see the different cooks of the steak. You had this? I've never, I've never

gathered that. Like when I was in college, I came home for a summer, my parents were like, get out of the house and get a job right now. We're not going to have you sit around the house. And I went to a restaurant down the street and I said, I'm looking for a job. And they said, we need a cook and we need a dishwasher. And I was so stupid. I thought, well, I don't know how to cook, but I know I can watch dishes. So I said dishwasher, not realizing we need to pay half as much. And they teach you how to cook. You know, it's like they just say, okay, we need burgers now, go for it. They teach you what to do. So that whole summer, I was just miserable watching this guy who was so fucking dumb, cooking everything and making way more money while I was

doing the worst job in the place. So I never learned the thing about like, here's the firmness. Here's how it is. I don't cook much on my own. And if I had to try to cook something to temperature, I would either overcook it or undercook it. I don't, I understand what you're saying, but I refuse to learn it. It's like, it's like astrology to me. It's like, oh, there's the big dipper. Great. I'm not, I'm not memorizing this. Yeah, yeah. No, I can't imagine you pointing up at the stars and saying, look, that's a lovely constellation. I'm pointing that out to people. I'm the only star you need to look at. Your side dish for this day. Is this something that goes with the steak? Or is it just the best side dish you've ever had? I just, I could only

pick one, even though it's a magic restaurant, you think you could pick like a bunch of different ones. And I just, the classic mashed potatoes, garlic mashed potatoes, maybe some truffle in there, if you want. I don't need it. But if it's on there, I'll choose it, you know? Yeah. Mashed potatoes, great. You can't mess them up. You throw some garlic in there, even better, some truffle on top of that. Sure. But any of those combinations are good. But a mashed potato with the steak is, it's fantastic. Wonderful. James is known as the mash king, because when he worked in a kitchen, he was the best at the mash. I mean, that's the job that like any monkey could do. Yes. And that was like your acclaimed fan. Don't you ever mess a monkey called the mash king? Monkeys are the only

other animal that make mashed potato for pleasure. Did you peel the potato or did you, they were already peeled and you just like boiled them and then mashed them? They were already peeled and boiled. Oh, really? I didn't know this. Yes. Oh, so you didn't even cook the potatoes? No, they would peel and boil them and I'd come in and they would pour the water away and I'd mash them. Did you actually mash them or did you just kind of scoop them out and put them on a plate? Because this story is, this story is getting worse and worse. No, I mashed them. I put butter and cream. Did they like you at this place? Oh, yeah. Did they give you a mash or did you just have to do it with your face? I had a mash. I had a really good mash actually. When they called you the

mash king, like how did they say, you know, give it to the mash king? How are you imagining they said it? The fucking mash king over here. I don't remember saying it like that. Did they do like trumpet sounds when you walked in and stuff? Like the mash king and then like announced me to the kitchen. Yeah, they may as well have that so much respect. I think I did that kitchen. I would have thought you'd be like the reminder to wash his hands king. You know what I mean? I did have to remind me to wash my hands. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they were spicking span. They look clean now. Very clean boy now. Yeah. Way to go, buddy. Yeah. Thanks, bud. Are you a big hand washer? Do you wash them quite regularly?

Semi-regular, you know, especially during like flu season, things going on. You want to be safe. But I try to wash my hands and as a, I'm going to go ahead and call myself a celebrity. A minor celebrity for sure. Go ahead. But I've definitely, I've been in a bathroom, like I go to a, I go to a sports event, you know, I'm in the bathroom. It's like, people just trying to get in and out. I want to get back before the game starts again. I don't wash my hands. I see someone online being like, just saw Justin look in the bathroom, didn't wash his hands. But now I think this is my reputation. You know, I've got to wash my hands. But if my hands feel dry, you know what I mean? I don't feel like they're dirty.

I don't want to, I don't want to wash them every time. It depends on what I, what I'm doing. What I'm doing next, you know, if I'm making someone something, I'll wash them. Sure. I'm going to shake a bunch of hands. My hands feel sticky, a little clammy. I'll throw some soap on them. Slip them up. Yeah. You don't really need to wash your hands if you've just done a shit standing up. Anyway, do you? Yeah. You just keep them away from there. You're good. Yeah. I just get the blow dryer and just stick it back there for a couple minutes and then I'm good to go. Just stroll out of there. If it's good enough for astronauts, it's good enough for me. Is that our astronauts do it? Blow dry their butts. Do they? Yeah.

Oh. All the time, even on Earth? That's where it started. Yeah. Start it there, then we're going to take this trend to the moon. So hold on. They blow dry their, how do they do this? With the blow dryer. But like, do they wipe as well? I mean, with like, because if you've ever seen a blow dryer, it's like one end is like where the hot air comes out and then it's just like a bunch of plastic. You can just use that, you know, roll it up and down a couple of times. Oh, yeah? With a plastic nub and then you flip it round and then dry your butt. Ed, I'm not sure all of this is true. Do you think he's making it up? Well, he knows that I'm too scared to correct him. He knows that I'm not going to say to him that

sounds like bullshit. Well, you guys don't have a space program. We do. So that's a good point. It's not, you don't have like to stand on if you weren't correct me. That is true. We haven't got a space program. We don't really know. And if we did, we wouldn't, that's not how our astronauts would wipe their butts and do it properly. Well, really, the best way is just to, you should have a bottle of water and splash it off like that, right? That's not in space though, because if you pour it out in space, it's going to, the water is going to float around, then you're going to have to chase the blobs of water with your butt. That's why I use the blow dryer. Yeah. So you're not chasing the water. They don't have bidets in space. Yeah, that's true. We don't have those in England

anyway. Bidets? No. They're not big here. I mean, people like rich people have them. Have you ever tried one? It's unpleasant. It's not a nice feeling. I'm not into it. And like Japanese toilets, I like the idea of the spray and the spray and the water to wash, but it's not mine. It's not for me. I'd rather have just a slightly dirty butt, I think, and then just give it a big wash at the end of the day. I don't like when people have like the baby wipes on the back of the toilet. It's like, how filthy are you? You're acting like you don't own a blow dryer. Have you ever had a bidet steak? What? A bidet steak? A steak that's cooked in a bidet? Is that weird? Yes. You said about birthday steak earlier. No, I thought I'd do a funny little... Are you throwing a callback at me?

Oh, yes. I thought I'd just throw a little callback at you. That's the ones thinking I've done on it. Yeah. That's so bad. That's a crime against common. As in he's got you so shook. It's brilliant. I'm absolutely terrified and I'm off my game. I'm not thinking straight. I've got no confidence in anything that comes out of my mouth. You shouldn't do it if it's fucking bidet steak. Why are you ganging up against me? Sorry. If I just talked about birthday steaks, maybe. Yeah. But it's been quite some time. Are you going to air this? Yeah. We just put a bullet in this one? This is perfect. This is perfect. I think this one is going out, but like... If you guys title each episode differently, I hope it's called bidet steak.

Yeah, yeah. Who's for a bidet steak, maybe. Oh, I'm having an anxiety attack. Oh, I'm loving it. In my head, it was good bidet steak. Joe, this is how shook I am. I still don't know why it didn't work. Still in my head, it was the best idea I had at the time. Would you like me to explain it to you? Yeah. Okay, call back. You got to have the first thing in your head. So it's like you remember that first thing. And so birthday and bidet aren't even that similar. Yeah. And it was so long ago that I talked about the birthday steak. And even the way you said it was without confidence whatsoever. I think you were looking at the table and it almost sounded like just the fact that the steak was made in a bidet was the joke. Yes. I mean, it was a failure across the board. Also,

birthday steak, we didn't really hang around on that for very long. We mentioned it once, yeah. I forgot we talked about it at all until he brought it up. Just stuck in my head because I thought it was a birthday steak, sounded fun. What's like your normal job? Mash King? Did I mention that recently enough to be able to refer back to it? Yeah, yeah, that worked. Oh, thank you. You're learning. You're learning on the job. Oh, what's your dream drink? I mean, dream drink. I'm a simple man. You know, I'm usually like something on the rocks, you know, glasses scotch with like one big ice cube, but like really good scotch. I don't drink the bad stuff. But I think for a dinner like this, whenever I'm at a steak house,

I got to go martini. I go gray goose, straight up dirty with regular olives. I swore off blue cheese olives a long time ago. I was like, I'm going to be a man and get olives without cheese stuffed in them. And I enjoy that. Regular olives. We only heard about the blue cheese thing recently. We did. We didn't know it was all. It's not like an international thing? No, it might be. We've probably just not been to those places. But I think that sounds like a great idea, but you've decided to be a man and not have the cheese. Let's say they have a special martini. It's got blue cheese olives. I'm not going to correct them. If they ask me if I want olives, I say yes and they say blue cheese. I say, no, thank you.

But I just feel like it's like, it's a little girl thing. It's a thing for like 16-year-old girls. Blue cheese in a martini. In an olive, yeah. That doesn't scream 16-year-old girl to me. What screams 16-year-old girl to you? Well, I don't know because I don't hang out with any. I've never even met a 16-year-old girl. Oh, yeah? No. It's like an apple-tini kind of thing, you know? It's like a novelty thing. Yeah, I don't need the blue cheese. I like a martini. I don't need the blue cheese olives. Nice to briefly see you on the ropes there, actually. Yeah, I know. I was terrified. After having completely sold me earlier, like a little Judas and ganged up on me, and then you questioned the olives,

you got the Jesuits stare, and you immediately batched down. No, I haven't seen a 16-year-old girl before. I'm going to stand up for myself. I don't think blue cheese is something that 16-year-old girls are eating on a regular basis. No, blue cheese is good. I enjoy it in a salad. I like just eating blue cheese on crackers. But if you want to stick in olives and put it in a martini, what are you drinking the martini for? Right. Do you need that blue cheese olive? I like regular olives. It's fine. I like a dirty martini. I like that olive cheese taste. No vermouth. I don't want any vermouth anywhere near it. No? No. Don't even wash the glass out with it. It's disgusting. You hate vermouth. Why? I hate it. It's not good. Have you ever had vermouth?

Yeah, I quite like it. What do you like about it? Stick up for yourself, James. James, I know what he's doing. You just stick up for yourself. If you want to say you like vermouth, you can say it. So come on. Why do you like vermouth? I've had in rob roys and stuff about red vermouth. I think it makes it quite nice and sweet and makes the drink taste like what I imagined whiskey tasted like before I ever drank whiskey. Oh, God. Wait, isn't a rob roy just coke and cherries? No, not coke and cherries. No. It's whiskey and red vermouth with some bitters in there. Okay. I can see vermouth having its uses outside of a martini. Yeah. You know what I mean? I'm not going to judge you on that. Okay. I think I've had it in a martini. It's a Vespa martini. Does that have?

I don't know. If you say dry, I want a dry martini. That means no vermouth or light vermouth. If you say bone dry, that means absolutely no. But most places don't make it with vermouth anymore. What if you say bone dry plus, then they're definitely going to make it bone dry, right? I think they take the bottle of vermouth and smash it on the ground. And then they get their hair dry. They used to dry their butts and then they dry up there for me from the floor. Then another car bag. Listen, that was a good one. That one worked. That was a good one. I enjoyed that one. It worked. Don't look at me like that. I'm backing up my friend. On a relative scale, I'll give it to you. If you've ever seen the movie, what's it called? Describe what happens

in it. It's like a New James Bond kind of thing. Bone. Where they have no, the Kingsman. You ever see the Kingsman? At the end of the first one, he goes into, the spy sneaks into a party and they ask him what he wants to drink. And he says he wants a martini stirred, not shake. And he's kind of playing off the bond thing. And he's like, I want you to stir it 10 times, counterclockwise, while staring at an unopened bottle of vermouth. And the butler's like big smile. And he's like, very good sir. Like that's a cool way to order a drink. And it's not. But in the movie, they play it that way. And then at the end of the movie, even though it's been a good movie and nice and funny, he, there's just a joke about him having anal sex with a woman right at

the end. Have you seen that? It's not really a joke more than just like he's going to have anal sex. People were mad about that. That was surprising. It was a, it was a tonal left turn, I'd say. Yes, but it was a very like for the bond. If you've seen all the James Bond movies, there's a Bond movie where Pierce Brosnan says is sleeping with a woman named Christmas. Her last name is Christmas. And he says, I thought Christmas only came once a year. And that's the end of the movie that that is, that is less outrageous than just showing a woman's ass about to get railed. I think. I haven't seen the Kingsman. So I can't really comment on that. That's what happens. That hasn't stopped you from all these comments you've been making so far.

Yeah, I'll make comments in the first James Bond with Daniel Craig. Yeah, they wanted to separate it from like the other Bond movies. So he sits at the bar and he goes, I want to, I want to martini. And they go shaking or stirred. And he says, do I look like I give a damn? Like really like snaps it off. Oh, it's not shaking. Not sturdy. He doesn't give a damn. Yes. And I was so, I was so pumped seeing the movie. I went to get a drink afterwards. I ordered a martini and the guy goes shaking or stirred. And I said, do I look like I give a damn? And the guy was just like, what the fuck? Just like, why are you, why are you swearing at me? Yeah, this is not, this is not okay. Also, if he's like near the cinema with his bar,

I bet he's getting that a lot every night. And why is everyone suddenly started getting some no idea. The martini is more popular, but I'm getting a lot of shit for it. That actually happens to me in restaurants where I think the waiter recognizes me and is a fan. So I'll say something dickish to them and they are not a fan. They don't know who I am. And I'm just being very rude. Yes. It upsets people. And then you have to leave a big tip and write on the receipt. I was in persona. I leave a tip anyway, but I'll let them, I'll let it be awkward. I'll sit in it. I'm like, I earned this. I should not have acted the way that I did. Is that what's happening here? What that you that I think you guys are big fans so I can be a jerk.

You can't blame this on me. I'm doing my best to get through what you're throwing out and and I just assume that people are listening to this and they want to be entertained. Yes. I'm trying to carry you. Yes. Like the end of a war movie. Harry Potter, Hagrid carries him out the woods. I'm trying to like let you know you're going to be okay, even though you're bleeding everywhere. Yeah. Did you just say Harry Potter, Hagrid carries him out the woods? Yes. That's what happens at the end of the Harry Potter films. Right. How could I carry them out at the woods? Why are you saying that now? Just trying to say I see other films where people get carried.

I don't even know who I am anymore. I have that effect. I'm not a great dinner companion. I've never seen a Harry Potter movie. You would like. You look like you've seen them all. Yeah. I've seen all of them. Have you ever said like a marathon, like an eight movie marathon? No, but I would be against it. No, no, I'm just enjoying this. What dessert would you like? Okay. Any dessert I could possibly have. And I'm not, honestly, I don't much of a sweet tooth. I'm not a big dessert guy, but my favorite, going to college in New Orleans, there's a famous restaurant called Commander's Palace. It's like a historic restaurant there.

And they have, it's one of those where like, when you order in the beginning, they're like, if you want the souffle, and we recommend it, you have to order it now. It takes like three hours to cook. So it's the, the Creole bread pudding souffle from Commander's Palace. It is delicious. That's incredible. No one's ever finished one, but it's amazing too. Like they bring it over, they pour like some, some kind of cream on top of it and break it open with the spoon. And it's, it's, it's incredible. How big are they that no one's ever finished it? I think it's just like the, I mean, the meal at a Commander's Palace type place or any in New Orleans is so rich anyway. And by the time you get to this thing, you enjoy the five or six bites you get,

but it's not, it's not huge. It's not like some giant thing. If you just ate that, walked in and had the souffle, you could finish it. No problem. But it's after eating all this, all this good stuff that it's, it's hard to cram down a dessert. I once won a competition, a souffle making competition. Did you? Yeah. How many potatoes did you use? It was a raspberry souffle in a restaurant in Edinburgh during the festival. And it was for someone, someone was doing a YouTube thing where like they're trying to get like a comedians cooking against each other competition going on. And I beat Jeff Leach. Oh, well done.

And like the souffle, I mean, I feel like souffle is either work or don't like, I don't know anything about it, but like either they rise and they collapse or they like, and you knew enough about cooking to make it just, we've got a crash course in it by the chef. So the actual chef's own recipe. So a proper good chef. And he quickly taught us how to make it. And then I think, you know, we were doing it, but you're being set up to fail for comedy. And I made a slightly less, worse one than the other guy. But it was delicious mixture. Have you eaten like raw souffle mixture before? No. I've done a while. Why the fuck did I ask? Why would you ever sit? I mean, there's no way you've eaten raw souffle mixture,

especially rasby souffle. It was very nice. It was very nice. We ate loads of it. It's really velvety and I escaped to that memory every now and again during this. I should have, I should have been thinking about that. This whole podcast would have made me feel secure. How often do you go to Edinburgh? I haven't been for a couple of years, but I did go every year for 10 years. Yeah, I do every, every year. I went, I think last year, the year before, for the first time ever. And it was, it was a, it was a wild time. I was, I did two shows on two separate nights. I was just walking around looking at all the flyers. I couldn't believe how many the musicals there were. It was like everything, the musical. And I was like, how in

the hell are they getting anyone to see? Like, I could see one thing being the musical, but it was everything. What people normally would do, they'll wait for like a big zeitgeisty thing. So there'd be like five Brexit, the musicals. And they just hope that people see Brexit and go, that's something that is real. And then they, and then they go and watch it. So I don't think that none of them are good. No, I can't imagine. I don't like regular musicals, much less a parody musical that's clearly been thrown together in a month. Game of Thrones, the musical, that was big as well. I think, yeah. And that guy did one man breaking bad. People just wait for something to be popular and then do a friend show version of it, basically.

Would you go back with Jesmit, the musical? I can't imagine. I can't imagine doing musical anything, but I would definitely go back and do two shows. Doing the month seems like a lot. I used to want to do that, but then I kind of outgrew that desire. I don't want to be anywhere more than a couple of days. In any place ever? To perform. You know what I mean? If I'm like doing a week, I went to London once and did a week of shows and I didn't understand why I didn't just do one big one instead of doing seven days of it. Yeah, that's, yeah. I make sense.

Every time, so we just grew up as comics doing the Edinburgh Festival for the full months and never worked out that you don't have to do it. Do you know what I mean? Like every time I hear an American comic say, oh, just go for a few days. I'm like, oh, yeah, fuck. I couldn't do that. I was surprised. I went to a festival in Dublin, the Vodafone Festival, and I met a comic and he's like, you want to, you know, get a whiskey, get to know each other. I'm like, great. And he says, yeah, I'm going from here to Edinburgh. I almost have my hour done. I just need 10 more minutes. I said, do you mean 10 more funny minutes? And he goes, oh, no, in Edinburgh, you just have to talk. And I thought, Jesus Christ, like, no wonder I've never heard of you. Like that sounds awful.

Like we just have to like talk about my dad dying, you know. Yeah, that was a big thing for a while. I don't think people can do that anymore though, because it's become so much of a trope. Sure. And once you've done it once, you can't do it again. People know. People know it hasn't happened again. That's it. Play that card once. No confidence saying that. As soon as I said it, no confidence. Terry Hatcher was in just before you. She was laughing and touching my arm. Would you like Anthony to touch your arm? No, because you break it. How many callbacks did you do?

A few. Quite a few. I feel like Terry Hatcher built your confidence up too much. Yeah. I watched that happen as well. You should have had me coming first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's read the order back. So normally I'd say on a read the order, let me know how you feel about it. I already know how you feel about it. Completely confident and definitely your fine with all of this. Sparkling water, pretzel roll with salt button and also salt on

the butter. Raw oysters straight out of the ocean. Chilled. U.S. D.A. prime dry age 35, medium red plus steak. Garlic mashed potatoes with maybe a little bit of truffle in there. Dirty martini with regular olives and creole bread put in souffle form commander's palace. Feel good about that? I mean, yeah, I've wrote it. You copied it down correctly. The people ever come in and say, oh no, everything I said was wrong. Sometimes they can maybe feel like there was so many choices that they had, so many things that they nearly chose, and then they hear the order back and go, oh, is that what I want? Oh, I'm not sure,

but it depends what. Or like they mixed it wrong. Yeah, I get a lot of thought before. I thought magic restaurant, how many opportunities am I going to have? Sure. To do this, the answer is zero. Absolutely. That I wanted to get it right, you know. Will you be finishing the souffle? Because you've had quite a heavy meal before that. You know, it's been so long since I've had it, since I've been to commander's palace, that I'm going to make sure I'm going to stuff it. Even if I've got to carry it out my cheeks, you know what I mean? I'm going to do it and then just go home and blow dry it. That's how you do a callback. That's how you do a callback.

The thing is, I don't feel like, oh God. What's up, James? I don't feel like that is, I feel like we've just got different energies, and that one of us knows that they're in charge, as they're going to say, and that's how you do a callback, whereas I'm thinking in my head, it was fine. You say different energies, do you mean one of us has confidence? Yeah, one of us is very confident, and one of us is terrified by the other one. Which one's which? Yeah, yeah, maybe inside. And one of us is just enjoying watching it all unfold.

Oh, God. Oh, I'm enjoying myself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm glad you both enjoyed it. Oh, Jesus Christ. Is this like the vibe every time? No, not at all. Never before in my life. Never before in my life. On a podcast or off a podcast, has this been the vibe? Never. It's great. Why do you like this? Because you're having a fucking meltdown. Oh, absolutely having a meltdown. How do we usually wrap up the podcast, Ed?

Thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you for having me. Thank you. Thank you for letting me order for everyone. I appreciate it. Well, there we have it. That was the off-menu menu of Anthony Jeselnick. James is not here to do the outro. He's too scared. He's hiding in a cupboard. Come out, Matt. James, he's gone. He's not coming out for hours now. But we very much enjoyed that one. Thank you for coming into the off-menu restaurant, Anthony Jeselnick.

If you enjoyed the cut of his jib, he has a couple of Netflix specials available. They're called Thoughts and Prayers and Fire in the Maternity Ward. Bit blue. So give those a watch. Bit weird doing this without James, especially as I can see him peeking out from behind the cupboard door. Oh, man, he's so spooked. Is he guarded? Anthony, of course, did not say Ice Gems, so we didn't have to kick him out. Thank God, because if we'd tried, I don't think we could have managed it. So check out all those things. Check out our socials at Off Menu Official on Insta and Twitter.

And offmenupodcast.co.uk on the website. There's also a list of restaurants that you can go to on there. Thank you very much for listening. We will see you again sometime soon. James, come out now. I'm not afraid anymore. I'm not afraid anymore. Hello, it's me, Amy Glendale. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato, and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by...

Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case. Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North, because, look, we're two Northerners. Sure, but we've been living in London for a long time. The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off, and that's a new podcast called Northern News. We'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glendale's mum on every episode.

That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.