Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 76: Claudia Winkleman

Episode Date: September 30, 2020

We give this episode… 10! ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ co-host Claudia Winkleman has booked a table this week, and she really knows her order. Goodbye, thanks for coming, night night.Claudia Winkleman’s book ‘Quite’ is available from 1st October. Buy it here.Follow Claudia on Twitter and Instagram @ClaudiaWinkleRecorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive Productions.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, the podcast that's so cool, you have to get out the freezer for about 10 minutes before you even try to put a spoon in it. Hello, James. Don't put a spoon in me, Ed. When you get ice cream out, do you leave it out for a bit, or do you go straight in? Because my fiance, she hates it that I get the ice cream out and leave it for a few minutes before I have it. She likes it hard, and you can take that as you wish.

I have met these kind of people. I personally like to leave it for a while. When I was a kid, my mum got an ice cream maker, little machine at one point, and we would just have it straight out the machine without even freezing it. That's how much we love the sloppy ice cream straight out of the ice cream maker. I like to get a tub. I let it melt. I don't let it melt completely, but I like it soft, and I like it smooth. The people who like it hard, straight out the freezer, I don't fully understand them. I don't think you get as much nice flavour in it. I don't think it tastes as nice. The flavour's nice. It's not satisfying on the tongue. I mean, it's another red flag for your fiance, for me. But again, you like it that you like different things.

Actually, maybe that makes it worse for you, because she goes crazy when you let it melt. Yeah, I'm more of a... I don't mind if it turns a bit soupy. I like a midpoint between very hard and soupy, is where I'm at with the ice cream. Me too. Two spoons, please. Me and Ed are sharing this tub. Well, if you found that chat boring, do not continue listening to the podcast, because that's very much the vibe of it. This is a food podcast, James, where we ask a special guest what their favourite ever starter main course dessert, side dish and drink. And this week's special guest is...

Is Claudia Winkleman. Claudia Winkleman. Claudia Winkleman, off the telly, a brilliant TV presenter, broadcaster, she hosts Strictly Come Dancing. It's only like the biggest show in the country, James. Claudia works with us, nothing that she can't do. I was so honoured to have her on the podcast, but Ed, listen, she says the secret ingredient. I will kick her out myself. Yeah, you will. I know you will. And you'll kick her out with a little shimmy, won't you, James? Like a Strictly Come Dancing dancer. Yes. Olay. And the special ingredient this week is guava. Guava.

You suggested this one, James. Yes. What you got against guava? I'm not a particular, you know, I'm not a guava stan. I don't love guava, but what do you hate about it? The first time I had the guava was in a yogurt. And I was a kid, and I just didn't like the consistency of it. I didn't like the guava yogurts, and it turned me off of them. And I've since, they've maybe popped up in various little dishes every now and again. It's never stole the show from me, never seemed necessary. Look, I'm open to it. I'm not going to turn it down if someone offers me some guava,

but in general, I would rather have no guava. I know, like, it's totally not a show stealer because it's always on, like, an exotic fruit plate. Yes. It's never, you'd never say I'd like a bowl of guava, please. It's always there, unwanted, as an extra little side. But, you know, if you went to, if I went to a fancy restaurant, you know, a Blumenthal kind of thing, and they had guava as the dessert, and it was just guava, I might be excited about that. Sure. But here, do something crazy with it. You'd like make a guava lamp or something. Imagine that. Imagine this is all the guava just floating around in the water.

So can we say if Claudia Winklepops picks a guava by itself, then we're kicking her out, but if she picks a guava lamp, she can stay? She can stay if she picks a guava lamp. Okay, good. And Claudia has written a book called Quite, which I'm sure we'll mention during the episode, but that comes out if you're listening to this on the day that this podcast came out. It comes out tomorrow, which is the 1st of October. So go out and buy Claudia Winkleman's book quite now, obviously because of the global situation. We are recording remotely, James, as well. You know, it's pretty good though, because all this Zoom business, I think we

get guests that we couldn't get otherwise. I don't think we would have snagged Winkleman. We wouldn't have got Winkleman. Are you joking? Absolutely not. We couldn't have got Winkleman at all. Plus, this way, we record the episodes, and then I'm straight in the kitchen to eat. Before, we had to do them all out. We had to all go to the same place, little room together, have the podcast, be starving afterwards, because we talked about food, and then have to figure out where we can go and get some food. I've got some food snacks lined up right through there, Ed. What have you got? What's your post-party snack? Guava. So without further ado, here's the off-menu menu of Claudia Winkleman.

Welcome, Claudia Winkleman, to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you so much. I can't believe it. Thank you so much for having me. I've listened to each one, and you can test. Oh, sorry. No, don't, never apologise. He always waits for the most inopportune moment to pop out of his lamp. Welcome, Claudia. Welcome to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. Thank you for having me. James. Although, I should tell you, I'm sort of, I'm having a low-level panic about my choices and what I've left out, and my 17-year-old went, you're mint, because he listens, he's obsessed. He was like, you're what? So, anyway, just wanted to say all of that out loud, really.

But isn't that the default position for all 17-year-olds is you what? Yeah. You're a loser. Yeah. Yeah, they want to talk to you, Mum. Why? Because they're dancing. That's embarrassing. Thanks, Jake. Have a great day at school. He sounds like a laugh. Yeah. He's edible. He's edible. He is edible. Is he one of your choices? No. No one's chosen that before. Yeah, no one's chosen their own offspring as a choice before.

Weird that. Well, welcome. Before the Genie interrupted, you were saying you've listened to the podcast before, and then the Genie came and ruined the compliment. So, thank you very much for listening to previous episodes, Claudia. No problem. It's a brilliant podcast. I'm obsessed. It really makes the record easier, because quite often we have people who come in, and it's like they've never even had food before. Let us listen to the podcast. They don't know what a Genie is. They don't know what a pop-a-dome is. Yeah. It'd be very difficult. Yeah. Problematic. How many foods can you name?

It's a big question to start with, James. You've never asked someone to name as many foods as they can. I'm asking for a number, rather than Claudia, to start reading off foods. Oh, right. Okay, because I'm just going to go through the aisles. How many foods do you estimate you could name? This is such a good question, because you don't want to overshoot. Like, I'm tempted to say eight. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I think that's a sheaker answer. Bread, pasta, potatoes, juice. What's your point? Let's go night, night. But genuinely, I think I could name more. Because when you said you could name eight there,

you named four, and then said let's go night, night. So, I'm not sure you could do the eight. I don't know if I could do the eight. I mean, you panic, and then focus in. Suddenly, you were in the frozen aisle, and you've only got peas and corn. That's it. Because nobody once said he had the frozen vegetable. It shouldn't be named. It shouldn't be given the attention. What I would say is that James has already said he's not going to make you list foods, but ask for a number. So, I think you could say any number, and then you'll never have to prove it. No. No, no, no, no. Because suddenly you're in a trap, because I say 432, and then we forget the podcast. Don't worry about what you'd have. Never mind what kind of water

you choose. And all of a sudden, I'm going through the seas, coriander, couscous, which is a disgrace, by the way, if anybody's listening. Owns couscous. And then, yeah, and then all of a sudden, I'm sweating, and it's bad to sweat this much spray tan on. And we'd all end up weeping, and that would be the end. I'd get fired. I'd go and have to live in a hedgehog sanctuary, and it's all over. You seem quite worried about the spray tan. There was a lot of talk about the spray tan before we started recording. I got overexcited last night. That's all. That's not code for anything. I just put too much tan on. How does it work? A home spray tan? I've never done it. Oh, well, let me organise that for you immediately. So, a lovely girl could...

Don't worry. Let's pause. A lovely girl called Sophia. Beautiful, right? Breathtaking. Comes around, pops up a tent. Magic. And it's just erected. You get in there. You turn slowly, like a vehicle, you're sprayed. There are different numbers you can ask for. You know, you'd want an eight. An eight because I'm naturally blue. Like, an eight is fine. Yesterday, I went, let's just take this up a notch, went 12, which is why I look like I've slept in Minutemade. None of this is interesting. None of this should make it in. It is interesting. It absolutely is interesting. It's 12. It's from an eight. That's more food than you can name. Did you make that decision before Sophia arrived, or was it a spur of the moment thing? Was it a spur of the moment?

We get on really well. We get on really well. We've been together for years. I was like, let's go man. That's a big leap. An eight for 12. I've done a 10 before. Strictly final, obviously. But I've never gone 12. So, Claudia, you say you agonised over your choices. Does that mean you're a foodie? You like your food? I absolutely love food. And, you know, I'm taking it possibly too seriously. You know, this isn't casual. This isn't an enjoyable chat. This isn't, oh, you like bread. It's not that. This is marked down. This is placed. This is mentioned. This is, I mean, we might as well engrave it into stone. So, I was, there were some things I couldn't disagree with. But there is a gaping emission in my choices, which I don't know whether I

can live with. I'm going to try. But that's all I'm saying. Just for the, for the listener, James, in an effort to get closer to his microphone, has now lain down on the floor with one hand on his knee, which is raised in quite a loo. I'm saying, I'm saying Miami Vice. I'm also saying Michael Jackson's thriller album cover. Yeah. Absolutely. That's the best. Is everyone all right with that? Yeah, I think so. I wasn't going to mention it. I thought maybe this is just what happens when you record some podcasts. He gets into the position. I quite like it. James, there's a different Michael Jackson body position for every single episode. And thank God we've got the thriller album cover today because it can go weird.

What other body positions do you think it could have? I should probably move it away from Michael Jackson now. Let's. Yeah. I would. I said, I was like, this isn't going in. It's just a waste of everybody's time. Every time you think something's not going in, that's what's going in, Claudia. Interesting. It's mainly going to be Spraytown and Michael Jackson this podcast. I'm just putting on some white lipstick. I would say if you're worried that your spray tan is too extreme, white lipstick isn't going to do you any good, is that right? By the way, you're not wrong. But I need, I need the contrast. I want to look like I've kissed Tipex. Right. You know what I mean? Bright orange, black all over the eyes, white mouth,

ready to order. Okay. Yes. Do you know what I mean? No. Well, I know what you mean, and I don't know what you mean. Yeah. You describe it very well. So visually, I know exactly what you're talking about, but I don't know what you mean by that is what you want to happen to you. Sure. Sure. Well, I mean, that's a long conversation. Let's not pull on that string, but agreed. But it's sort of armor, orange, white, black, fringe, ready. I'm now in the dream restaurant. Before we bring the water to the table, we don't want to spill any water on this book that's on the table. Oh, that's an interesting book. It's a book you've written, Claudia. Do you want to tell us about that? I would prefer to get onto the water, but I'll

tell you briefly, it's a collection of, I used to write a column forever for the independence of the times. It's like a collection of essays. It's about t-shirts, black boots, melted cheese, sleeping with nice boys. I mean, whatever. There's food content. Oh, I want to hear more content. There's food content. That's the last one. There's definitely food content, because as we know, melted cheese is the answer to everything. So let's pop the book back on the shelf. We might be hearing more about the melted cheese later on and bring the water to the table. Adorable how you got it in there, though, by the way, Ed. Did it all spark in water, Claudia?

Neither, thank you. I don't like or believe in it. I won't have it. If you're walking towards my table and there's a water glass on there and you lean forward, tap or spark, you know, it's a solid no. I've never knowingly had water. I don't like it. The whole thing is arrogant and smug. There's just a whiff of, check me out. And I won't have it around. Claudia, you sound in dangerously like one of those anti-face mask people at the moment. That's not true. I love a face mask. I'm always in the face mask, but I don't, but then when people drink it, like my husband drinks water, great amounts of water. And I really like him, but it is, it's problematic. Don't touch me, Claudia, take your bra off. Don't

think so. That was disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself. I'm a glugger. I get all my, like my day's water. I'll just have it by the sink and glug it all down in big pint cups. Like when you open your throat. Yeah, just pour it in. Like a raw egg in Rocky. Like, ah, this is going down. Yeah. Why? I mean, am I an old prune? Sure, sure, sure. But I've never thirsty. I've never been thirsty. You know, there are people who are thirsty. I've never been, I'm 48. I'm entirely made of spray tan. I've never, you know, people are like, oh, I'd do anything for a drink. That's because they've gone down the route of giving their bodies liquid. And so then they want more. The key is none. That's a really,

a really interesting theory you've got there. People are thirsty because they've drunk water. No, I don't know why people are thirsty. Maybe they've been outside. I don't go outside. So sure, there are things that can make one thirsty, but I don't want water anywhere near me with it. It's like yoga or hummus. It's just all check, you know, look at me. Look what I can do for you. I'm not sure you can lump all those things together. I think water has probably more of a backstory than yoga and hummus. Listen, I know that water, my little one is doing the water cycle now. You know, evaporation, precipitation, whatever. I get it. I like the sea. I like looking at a river. Do I want to drink it? Do I want to ingest it? Do I want to hear myself swallow?

It's a solid note. So thank you, lovely water waiter, but it's not here. Not on my watch. Move along. I will accept that you don't want water. That's fine. Did I go in too hard? It's because I'm excited to be here. I think we're skimming over your reasoning a little bit too much at this point because you are talking about water as if it's a fad, as if it's a new thing that people have got into that you think is ridiculous. No. All right. Can I expand on this? You can, but also you're going to have to expand on the fact that you think the reasons that you don't like water, you claim that you've never been thirsty and that the reason for that might be because you've never been outside and you never want to hear yourself swallow, which you

think is limited to water at this point. I think one gets warm and thirsty when they are either doing some form of movement, which I don't do, or they're outdoors, you know, and suddenly everyone's in the sun. They're wearing flip flops. They're holding massive bottles of water at the size of my nine-year-old. Oh, I'm so thirsty. Do you want some? Oh, we've got a straw. Oh, yeah, it's made of bamboo. I'm so thirsty. I don't leave my bed, but if I did leave my bed, so I don't really build up a thirst. You know what I mean? That's A, B, I don't like the taste of it. Sparkling is too much of a shock, right? Well, it is if you never drink water. I can imagine it is. It's like a slap around the face of bubbles and liquid. There's too much going on. Oh, my God, bubbles. And then it

comes out of people's noses. I'm only guessing here. And then all there's just pure water, H2O. Look at me. How do you stay so beautiful? Oh, I just drink water. But I think this is James's point. I feel like we've talked about it for too long. Well, no, not at all. Whenever you characterize someone who drinks water, you do it like it's a hipster thing, like it's only started, you know, since 2010. My parents don't drink water. They're completely anti it. Right. No, they're not completely anti it. I don't know if I've ever seen them. Oh, my dad had a glass of water. Yeah, the other day. And I questioned him about it. Why would anyone see anyone else drinking a glass of water and go a few questions?

All right, imagine you're on a date, right? I mean, I've been at the same man for 100 years. But imagine you're on a date, you go in, he's all sort of twinkly and a little bit, you know, he's wearing a fisherman's sweater with some paint on it because sometimes he paints. And he's sitting there and he's like, I don't know what to have. What are you going to have? Maybe we should have the same thing. And somebody comes around and they go, would you like some water? And he goes, yeah, sure. And they give him like a pint glass of water and he drinks the whole thing. Are you going to want to kiss this man? Yeah. Or more? Are you going to go into what? No. Lovely white mouth. A wet mouth with a big, fresh tongue that's covered in liquid. I want to like

a dry, shriveled up little man. I want to sleep with Mr. Burns. He doesn't drink water. I want him at the table. Oh, no, I don't have water. And then just sits there and nibbles on some crusty bread. So back to yours. Here's the problem with that. I'm going to say is that while I believe you that you've described what you like, you have, and this is a mistake a lot of comics make when we start out, is that we think an observation about us is universal to everybody else. And we say it on stage like everybody does it. What you have described there is two situations, one of which most people would be fine with kissing a wet mouthed man. And the other one most people would find physically repulsive is kissing Mr. Burns after he's eaten a cracker. Yeah. Oh, I'm all over it.

Especially a cars cracker or better, a bath Oliver, dry, crispy, full of flakes, which sometimes spit out spit out all over your neck. Also, we seem to have stumbled across a belief you have that drinking water, your tongue then absorbs the water and it makes it massive. It doesn't make it. The tongue is not a sponge. I did biology, but I also know that it's the demeanor. It's the, yeah, now let's get on with ordering our food. Yeah, what do you want? I might have the pasta. I've just lost my erection. Thanks very much. Night night. And what do you, I mean, what do you cook pasta in? Let's not, let's not, I mean, sure, we can play that game. Yeah, seven up. No, but I tell you what, then I don't siphon it off and save it and then let

the nice cool starchy pasta water be my breakfast. No one does that. No, because your husband just gets straight in there and laps it up like a cat. Just don't like liquid. I don't like wine. There's all kinds of stuff. Is this too weird? I'm a big fan of firsts on this podcast. And I think it's the first time someone's turned down the water course. Yeah, I don't want it. I'd say a massive thank you. I'm very polite. I was a waitress for four years. I'm super smiley. Thank you so much, but no thank you. Poppadobs or bread? Poppadobs or bread, Claudia Winkleman? This is very good. Not poppadobs. I don't like poppadobs if they're very greasy. Not greasy, but I don't like them to be too dry. Am I allowed? Hold on a second.

Yeah, hang on. Because you're completely against everything you just laid out. I know. Just stay with me. You hate the dry poppadobs. You want Mr Burns to have a poppado? I like a poppado with a sheen. A poppado that looks like it might have just started sweating. That's my favorite poppado, but I really love bread. But I don't want a hard bread. I don't want a seeded bread. I don't want to let me just get into there. I don't want an olive bread with pumpkin seeds on it. What I'd really like, am I allowed a toaster on the table?

Yes, absolutely. I'd like some appliances. So I'd like a toaster on the table and I'd like, I'm going to use the word bloomer, a white bloom, you know, sort of doughy, soft. If you put your face in it, it will leave the indentations. I want that toasted at three, not at four, not at five. I'm not a lunatic. Three. The reason I need the toaster at the table, because the minute it comes out, I need butter on it. The minute, not in the kitchen, you know, when you take toast out, maybe you put it in a thing and then a bit later you put butter on, it has to be, burn your hands on the, butter, butter disappears, gone, all the way through. And then I'd like a little bit of marmite. I love marmite.

I love marmite. It's still the king. One of my kids is called marmite. I'm joking, but I would have done it. I believed it. I would have believed it. Have you ever had toast out, or bread, can also be soft? Cream cheese, then marmite. I've never been... James, sorry, James, were you about to say that about the Cafe at Brixton Village? Yes. I can't, I mean, we were literally saying the same thing and we spoke over each other. Carry on. But that's adorable. You're like twins. I find this very moving. Speaking of twins. Speaking of twins, how is your twin, Claudia? Do I have a twin? Yes. You both tried to sue Mark Zuckerberg because he stole Facebook off of you.

Oh, yes. She's fine. She's absolutely fine. Was that your prep for this podcast? Was writing that joke down on a little bit of paper and you couldn't wait to get it in somewhere? I could only do it if Claudia organically bought up twins and I couldn't believe that happened. I can't believe it paid off. Five minutes in. Yep. Had to do it. There is a cafe in Brixton Village called the Burnt Toast Cafe and they have toasters on the table where you can do your own toast. Right. You need to go there. Yeah, I'll say that. Lovely toast smell. And once for my birthday, I wanted to go all around Brixton Village because I love it so much and just eat all day. And we went there,

a whole bunch of us in the morning and we were there first and Ed was there and so was Nish Kumar and the lady who runs Burnt Toast Cafe loves Mock the Week and she came out and she was like, Ah, James. And then she saw Ed and she went, Ed. And then she saw Nish and went, Nick. She called him Nick for the whole, whole meal. She started calling him Big Nick and it was the best birthday present I've ever had. Big Nick. A gift. A gift. Big Nick. What are your toppings at this place? What are your toppings? I mean, can you have, are there jams? Is there marmalade? Yes, yes. Anything you want. Jam's marmalade, marmite. Obviously loads of butter. Peanut butter. Also, when you were saying earlier about toast and the settings being wrong,

and it's, I was thinking about maybe Sophia could come over with her spray gun, spray some bread for you. Make it look like toast. Maybe we should change the numbers. Yeah. Basically, I want to look like toast. You want to look like toast. You know, the numbers, I always thought it represented the strength of the heat that the bread was getting, but it's just time. It's time. Yeah, I didn't know that. I blew my mind when I found that. It's always going to get the same heat. I didn't know that until just now. Pretty incredible, right? That is mind blowing. So you thought five was a force of, and one was just a gentle. Yeah, that's what I thought. Like a stroke. Yeah, like a little kitten. I bet a lot of people listening to this

didn't know that. It's the kind of thing that you assume when you're younger, you never have a conversation about it. Correct. And nothing ever happens that makes you think otherwise. Go, well, eight is hotter than two. And then it comes out more burns. Yeah, it must have been. Does your toast to go to eight? Currently, I'm house sitting for my parents, and all they've got is frozen bread. But when you say all they've got is frozen bread, they've also got a toaster, right? You've not been eating frozen bread for the last few days. A gentleman never tells. So we come to your starter now. This is where I guess it gets a little bit tense for you. No, I get really tense over the main course. This had to be in. I feel

bad because I've just had toast and marmite. But I couldn't have a menu and I told you I'm taking this too seriously without the following on it. And it is a tuna melt. It is. And everyone needs to just deal with it because it's the best thing in the whole world. And if you've ever had a good tuna melt, steam will come out of your ears. You will cry. Angels will sing and dolphins dance. If it's dolphin friendly tuna. And I think I was 15 and I had it. And I mean, I almost cried. I almost defecated. I mean, I was, I'd never eaten. I always knew that cheese on toast. My parents are like, we believe in cheese on toast. Worcester sauce. That was often tea, like three times a week. I mean, of course it was as salty as possible. No water.

No water on the table. Absolutely none. Don't even look at the tap. Plugging Liam Perrin's from the bottle. Yeah. Oh, God, yeah. Oh, I would drink that. A huge mug of it. I pour it all over myself. I also want to be the colour of Worcester sauce. Here's a question for you, Claudia, before we go on. Who would you rather hang out with, Lee or Perrin? Oh, Perrin. Yeah, why Perrin's filthy. Lee's a good guy. He turns up. He sorts it all out. He's organised. Perrin is outside by the bins having the fag. Yeah, definitely. I think that's completely fair. That's why he's second. Like, he's lucky enough to be in the team. And so he's not bothered about being the first name. Also, Lee without Perrin is,

well, just Lee. Do you want to go to the pub with Lee? No, thanks very much. Perrin's here. Hell yeah. Could Perrin get that up and going? It's not by himself. He needs Lee. They are a duo. They are, James, you could say, twins. I think you've absolutely nailed that. I don't think I'll ever get a better answer to that question. Yeah. What's happening in the tuna melt? Take us through the different components of the tuna melt. Is it going to bore you to tears? So if you two want to have a nap, I get it. Toast in, but only at two. There is no colour on the toast. If you like, you're just hardening the bread. You're just giving it a bit more oomph, because if it's totally soft, fine, eating too messy. But basically, you want a soft bread,

not with toast under the grill. That's madness. Is this the same bread that you had for the bread course, by the way? Yes, because let's use everything up. No waste. But I know this is my dream restaurant. Nothing is wasted. But still, I'm very happy with a sort of a doughy bloomer. It will have to be sliced. I can't slice bread. I can, but it's a mess. This comes out in a separate bowl. What you're doing is you're using tuna in olive oil, not brine. That stuff should be illegal. In there, you're adding mayo, lots of lemon juice, and ring-a-ding-ding Tabasco. You're mixing all that. That is a delicious hot spot of mess. Like, what's that on your neck? Just a bit of tuna that I made. Oh, can I eat it off? Sexy tuna on the toast. All the way to the edges. Not an embarrassing

little circle in the middle going where it will spread out. All the way to the edges. We're going to make a mess. Everyone needs to suck it up. I have a 17-year-old. It will tidy. Good. On top of that, you are going to slice, not some mature cheddar. Let's not fight with the taste. Please, sorry. I'm loving this, but please do have a request. No, I'm not. I absolutely love what he's going to say. I know what he's going to say. Yep. Please, can you continue to refer to it as cheddar, not cheddar? I love mature cheddar. I'm really sorry, but I was over-excited. Yeah, but I want it to stick to cheddar, please. Okay, cheddar. You're not going mild, but you're also, you're not going mature. I'd like a light to medium cheddar. Cheddar. Cheddar. And you're

slicing that in quite big hunks. What you're not doing is you're not doing it with a mandolin. Not you ever would. I don't have a mandolin, but I don't want anything polite here. It's big slices. You put that on. You put it under the grill. It comes out. Cut it. Ask people to come. They will never leave. Delicious. Not with a glass of water, my friend, but you eat that. And that's mind-blowing. And I'm older than both of you put together. But I remember when tuna melts did not exist in this country. Does that make any sense? Like, nobody had a tuna melt. It was 20 years before Ed's diner. I've been here since the dinosaurs. And I was in America, first time I was in America, really glamorous, 14 in New York. I'd like to say local diner. Somebody said, why don't you try the

tuna melt? Best thing I've ever eaten. That was my like ultimate food moment. Weeping. Mum, is this real? Yeah. Have I shared too much? No, it's perfect. I absolutely loved it. And I could have listened to it forever. Yeah. I don't often think about a tuna melt, but God, I love a tuna melt. A tuna melt has all the wisdom and joy and gravitas of cheese on toast with an added extra, which is the salt and you have to have the Tabasco there in the tuna. And the cheese, also, sorry to be specific, can't just be melted. You don't want it burnt, but you do want it bubbling. So you're going to need a grill. You need to watch it. And then when it starts little bubbles, like geese of cheese, start bubbling up out, then you don't wait. It's not like, guys, supper's ready,

none of that. Eat it. If you're not here with your mouth open going, thank you, mummy. It's gone. I've inhaled it. I've put it in my bra, so to speak. It's the old phrase. It's the old phrase. I've put it in my bra. A moment on the lips, a lifetime in the bra. Have you ever burnt the roof of your mouth with this technique? Yes, many times. And unfortunately, you've got no way of cooling it down when that happens. Not me. Sort of manic blowing before. But you don't want it to cool down. You don't want the cheese to solidify. You don't want any of that. It's an immediate dish. It's right now. And I've once had it with chips, which I highly recommend, with a big fat chip, with a mayo dip,

tuna melt. I mean, that's better than anything. Can I ask, I might be being stupid here, but when you say you put it under the grill and then pull it out, are you then putting another slice of toast on top, or are you just having it like an open sandwich? It's an open sandwich. It's an open sandwich. Okay. Because then the ratio is wrong. You can't have another slice of toast on there. But I mean, then you're making a cheese and tuna sandwich, which doesn't feel right. What you need is you need to hold it like this, like you're holding a newborn. Oh, eating a kid again? No. So you're holding it, fingers outstretched, holding there. The magic is about to happen. Imagine George Clooney turns around and goes, I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to kiss you.

It's better than that. And then you're holding it and your mouth goes in and it leaves teeth indentation marks in that you're not slicing it. You're not suddenly putting it into quarters, because then the tuna will get messy. You're holding it as one large slab of heaven. Your tasting men changed dramatically then. Mr. Burns to George Clooney. I don't, yeah. No, I'm much more of a Burns person than a Clooney person. But George Clooney's just eating a bag of flour though, right? That's heaven. Heaven. George Clooney, I bet he drinks water all the time. Can you pass me a glass of water?

Good impression of Clooney? That's exactly what you could say. It's like he's here. Well, so far this week, Cap, you've had a Marmite sandwich and a tuna melt. So, what sandwich would you like for your main course? Okay, my main course, I had to choose this. My favourite thing, my last ever meal, it has to be roast chicken. My mum used to roast a chicken. She would make quite a small chicken. It was me, my brother, and I've got three, I've got two stepbrothers and a step-sister. Small chicken would last till Thursday. I don't know what she did with it,

but it was majestic. And there was so much lemon and herbs and butter. And so, a roast chicken to me is the best thing you can eat. You can dilly-dally, beef. Oh, I've got crackling over here. Oh, it's a slow-cooked lamb. I mean, hideous. You want a roast chicken. You want people to come round. We're getting out the oven. Oh, I'm just getting the roast chicken. Skin, skin. And I don't mind which bits I like. I know the fancy people say there was like brown meat. I have a bit of breast. I'll gnaw on a wing. Roast chicken says to me, celebration, more than a birthday cake. If I've made you a roast chicken, it means I will take a bullet for you. That's not strictly true. I make a roast chicken every

Sunday. But the point is, roast chicken is event-eating for me, James. More than a birthday cake. I love it. That is funny. And now I'm just obviously imagining a roast chicken with loads of candles in the top. Yeah, that's not a bad idea. That's what I'd have. Maybe I'll have that for my 50th. What do you go for when you've done a roast chicken? What part do you zero in on as yours? I really like a wing because the way I cook roast chicken, should we be boring again? It's not what people love. People love this content. Night, night, boys. So garlic and lemon inside. And sometimes if I've got it, a rasher of bacon, streaky bacon. Then olive oil or a bit of melted butter on the outside, but not a bit, actually, a lot.

Let's not dilly-dally. I'm not being parsimonious. Then so much rock salt, mulledon, a bite. Crispy. At the base of the chicken, I'm going to put in some vegetables, whatever I've got, carrots, parsnips, which just all adds to the joy and maybe some whole garlic bulbs that are going to fall apart. I put it in a very hot oven, like alarmingly hot. So the chicken becomes like an angry cat. And then you turn it down. So when it comes out, the outskirts are so crispy, you might burst into tears. So I'll have a wing. And my eldest son would like a wing. And my daughter wants breasts. My husband's easy. So like everybody has a situation. And then you get the mulch-y vegetables and you put that on top.

I'm actually roasting the chicken later today. Oh, are you, James? So I'm taking notes. Talk me through with your roast chicken. Yeah, what are you doing, mate? James has only just learned how to cook. And a lot of his recipes involve smashing things until they're flat. So let's see if that's going to happen with the chicken. Well, I will be doing those later. I will be doing my famous smashed potatoes later on, actually, Ed, as well. So I'm going to be putting lemon, garlic, and thyme in its ass. And then covering it in olive oil and butter and salt and pepper. And it's annoying, actually, because like, as I said, I'm house-hitting at my mum and dad's at the minute. So I forgot that they

don't have Nando's peri-peri rub in their cupboard, which I've been using at home on the roast chicken. So now I'm going to have to maybe improvise with some other things that are similar. But roast chicken, you know what I mean? I bet you're doing something special, James. That's why you're having it. You're not just going to go, oh, do you know what, just roast chicken. My nephew's birthday. Oh, how old is he? He is. I really want to get this right. Six. Adorable. Are you going to put a candle in the chicken because he might be disappointed if he's six? Oh, yeah. Maybe I should have candles in the chicken, just like we said. And I should say to him, as I'm giving it to him, better than a birthday cake. No. Although I should point

out he is a vegetarian. So who's the chicken for, buddy? Well, I guess it's for his family, and he can have all the other stuff. I've made loads of veg. One lone pea. I've also, he likes pasta, and I'm giving him the option of a vegetarian pasta that I've learned to make. However, he hates courgettes, and it's a courgette sauce, but his mum says, as long as I disguise the sauce and he can't see courgettes in it, he will eat it and not know the difference. Happy birthday. He sounds so cute. He's vegetarian, but the rest of the family aren't. Yes, he's decided recently that he doesn't want to eat animals. That's a very headstrong six-year-old. Lot of respect for that. Yeah. Oh, he absolutely is.

I also, I tell you what, it's much harder to argue with, not that I go and I'm arguing vegetarians anyway, but when you see people having arguments with like adult vegans and adult vegetarians, it can go on for ages. With a little kid, they just go, well, it just seems horrible killing the animals. And you go, yeah, can't argue that. 100% makes sense. I'm going to know what your omission is from your main that was so difficult that caused you a lot of heartache. Here we go. I think we're all agreed that pasta is the king of foods, right? Your nephew who you're going to see later would agree. My favorite pasta is mac and cheese. Macaroni cheese is if you're hungover or if you feel a bit wobbly, if the girls are coming around,

if you're having a date, you want a pot of bubbling mac and cheese. And there's an Instagram account called mob kitchen. They make a mac and cheese where you'll literally shout, what the fuck? It looks like the best mac and cheese. They put like, then they put breadcrumbs on, it's going under the grill, there's seven tons of cheese in there. So the idea that I have given my absolutely favorite meal, and there isn't a pasta, which I could have had mac and cheese as a starter, or I'd have had mac and cheese on the side, or I'd have it as my main, is slightly heartbreaking. So I'm just saying out loud, I'd like to apologize to all the macaroni and all the cheese. I thought I covered cheese with a tuna milk, but the bottom line is, if you get a fork

and you piss, makes that noise. The crust of the mac and cheese and you go in and it's creamy, the cheese is stringy, it's piping hot, not too hot that you would need a glass of water, we're not mad. And that's heaven, a bucket of it. Here's what I'm going to offer you. Come on. I don't know if you've ever had it before, but I think you would like it. We go back to that tuna milk, we take off the cheese, and we replace the cheese with mac and cheese. No. You wouldn't eat that. No, that's not fine. That's bread with pasta and cheese and tuna. I'm not saying that I am a clean foodie, but even that, no. Because mac and cheese, by the way, let me just say this, this is my last comment, I know I'm annoying. If other people put other

stuff in the mac and cheese, yeah, I just thought I'd shave a bit of broccoli in there, or I just got some, yeah, I had some chorizo left over and I just chopped, no, I'm a purist. Mac and cheese is macaroni and cheese, finish. Okay, here's another option for you, Claudia. We go back to the roast chicken, we take out the onion and the lemon and the bacon, and we pour mac and cheese up the chicken's ass. Ed, you and I were getting on very well. Well, it was all, I found it all, I found it joyful, fine, chatting to these boys, they're like twins, they say the same thing, this is fantastic, although they're both totally individual. No, we can't. Other than having it for a pudding, but I love my pudding,

I couldn't give up the roast chicken. My side dish is possibly the best thing you've ever eaten in your life. I can't give up the tuna milk because you know when people say, do you remember where you were when, or do you remember, I remember more than anything where I was, where I had that tuna melt, where just everything collided, the world exploded, blood came out of my nose, it was the new beginning. And I can't have it instead of toast to mom, that would have been strange, that wasn't an option. I reckon, because you're very persuasive, I reckon you could have persuaded us to have a tuna melt instead of toast, instead of as your bread course. And then put the mac and cheese as a starter, I think you could have done that.

I'm embarrassed. What is the point of me? I haven't gone to the kitchen yet, I'm just writing down your order. But that means I full go marmite. Unless you want to put the marmite on your mac and cheese. Ed. Well, Ed, you know. No more words for me. Maybe you let me have two sides because I'm so friendly, and because I haven't had any water, maybe instead of water, I'll have a mug full of mac and cheese. That's what you're having. I'm so happy. Do you want that still of sparkling? Yeah. This is it, comes please. Extra cheesy. Super hot. Tap. Imagine if you had a tap in your mouth, where you turned it on and mac and cheese came out. We're missing a trick. What are we, everyone, down tools for starting a new business? Well, I'd be dead within

the week. Because that's all you do. Yeah, of course. I put it, stick my head on the tap all the time. I'd have burns all over my face from where I put my head under the tap, because I'd reroute it to my shower and I'd hop in the shower. Oh, yeah. Babe, I'll be done in a minute while he's at chicken and water. Imagine just food taps. You know what I mean? Tomato soup. Heights, obviously. There is no other. Kids, have you done your homework? Why? Okay. I was going to ask you something else, but first of all, why, when you're at the tap that only dispenses hide some tomato soup, when you're doing that act out, are you asking the kids if they've done their homework? Because that's the way the world works, right? How was your day? How was your day? How was

it? Fine. Depending on their age, they're either incredibly irritated by me or the little one. Mummy, it was absolutely fine. And geography is so interesting. And then the 14-year-old is like, oh, why do you ask me that every day? What are you talking about? Eric, so, but they're adorable and I try and lick them and I'm following them around. Oh, get off, mum. I'm doing a TikTok. Anyway, and then they go off and I'm like, do your homework. Do you need any snacks? Do you want me to come with you? Oh, I love believe eyelash. It's not eyelash, mum. Okay, never mind. And then the only way I can bring them back to me because I'm clingy and is I can get them back to me with food. Right. I'm doing your homework, supper's on the table. Oh, I get to stroke your hair again.

But do you think you could get them back to you if the food was always hide some tomato soup out of a tap? Yeah. Oh, Mac and cheese. Oh, Mac and cheese. Yeah. I wouldn't mix them. But yeah, those Mac and cheese, guys, Mac and cheese. Hey, mum, how was your day? I think I would mix them on day one. Yeah. If I had both those taps, I would be too curious and I would want to mix them. No, I wouldn't. I won't have it. Would they come out piping hot? That's vital. I think so. Like a toaster, there'd be a little thing on the side. Agreed. And you decide how hot you want it. I'd also have a hot chocolate tap if we're here. Yes, absolutely. We are. Okay. And you know what else I'd have?

Gravy. Gravy tap. They're not very good at making gravy and I like gravy. I would have milkshake tap, ice cream tap. What flavour milkshake? Not banana. I'm going to have to hang up. Okay. Was it going to be banana? Well, the thing is, if I go to McDonald's, which I rarely do, that's the milkshake I would choose every time. I'm sort of speechless. Gobsmacked. I don't even have a chocolate milkshake or a coffee milkshake. Well, if you're having coffee milkshake, you can't really have a go at anyone. Fine. I understand. My position is weakened. Yeah. I don't like banana milkshake, but I'd probably, would I choose banana over coffee? No, you wouldn't choose banana.

Have you ever been to an establishment called Five Guys? Yes. Yes. I find it delicious. Delicious. Double fried onions, thanks very much. Not the spicy chips, because that would mean I might need a glass of water. But they have a coffee milkshake, which is delicious. Okay. That does sound good. I will try that. If you're asking, I'd just have one tap sausage meat. No, you wouldn't. He would have that. I would. I'd heat a pan up. I'd put it below the tap and then run in a big sort of like cumberland swirl. A cumberland coil every morning. Your side dish, Claudia. I'm going to say what it is, and you're going to go no biggie. Then I'm going to explain to you how my mother-in-law makes it, and you're all going to go,

right, down tools, you're going to say to your lovely producer, I think we've done enough now because this has been beaten. This has been won. And because tomorrow you'll tell somebody who will go, oh, broccoli spears with almonds, and everyone will feel a bit sad inside. So my mother-in-law, I've known forever, 22 years, she makes potato dauphin one, right? No biggie, right? Bake potatoes with a bit of cream. This is how she does it. And the first time I had it, I did a roly-poly. I mean, I didn't do a roly-poly, but I would have done inside I was doing a roly-poly. So she- I mean, I absolutely believed you did a roly-poly in real life. And in my head, it was the first time that you'd met your mother-in-law. And she was excited to meet you. You know, the person who

her son has decided to dedicate his life to, and she served potato dauphin, you got off the table and did a roly-poly, and she thought, oh no. And she said, are we sure? Because you seem to have met other people, and who's this orange woman who's never had potatoes like it? Who is this woman you have brought into my house? She won't let us have water on the table. Yeah, it was weird. So into the dish, you know, first of all, buttered potato, a layer. On every layer of potato, there goes in at least six cloves of garlic and rock salt. And there's about four or five, maybe six layers, double cream. It is so garlicky, you are basically eating oven-roasted garlic cream with layers of beautiful potatoes. And with roast chicken and a bit of mustard or

horseradish, if it's Christmas and you're feeling a bit jaunty, there is no better meal. Full stop, end of, close, finish, night night, go home. Thank you very much. Thank you, Acast. Thank you, Apple. We are complete. That is the side dish of all side dishes. Because you said night night, now I'm imagining when your mother-in-law served you that, you did a roly-poly and then immediately went to bed. Yeah. By the way, it tastes so good. It's not like normal potatoes. Potatoes are, I mean, I would, they're the love of my life, right? I mean, I love mac and cheese, but potatoes, I'd marry a potato. I mean, I feel passionate. I like new potatoes. I like every, I don't really like mash because I offensive. I can't agree with you. For me, the Dauphin was the king. The

Dauphin was is the king of potatoes for me. What? If we talk about potato and kings, right, I cannot believe this is happening. Go on, James. James has just stood up, everyone. Go ahead. Ed knows that I'm the mash king and he's talking about Dauphin was being the king and throwing the word king around while being very dismissive of mash and I make the best mash in the kingdom that I worked in at the time. There's different kings, but the mash is like the British king, right? It's it's the sort of horrible little king. It's not even a jester. I'm not even sure if it's in the court. Peasant king, whereas Dauphin was is like King Louis the 14th or whatever. No. Listen, but above mash goes jacket, goes baby new, buttered. Baby new buttered above mash. Yeah, I tell you what

else goes above it. A fondant, I've only had one once. I tell you what else goes above mash. Food on share. Oh, bashed up potatoes. Yeah, with the with the fried onions. Night night. Night night. Finished. End of goodbye. Thank you very much for having us. We won. No, this is it. Potatoes and this one very, very garlicky is you've never had anything like it and even better the day after. And because they're Danish, they celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve. Fine. Kids were confused. Where is Father Christmas? Never mind. Eat your turkey. Christmas day. They do at Christmas Eve. Christmas day you wake up and there's still Dauphin one in the fridge, which I've eaten before not even using a utensil, barely using my hand.

Face in. Deal with it. Suck it up, everyone. This is me. She's still disappointed that he married me, if you're asking. Are you going to put your face in all of the food because you've already done it in the bread to test to see if it's soft enough. Sorry. No, I'm not. I'm not, but I'm not mad for a utensil. But these potatoes, it's that much. It's just that much garlic. You just grate seven in like on every slice. Boof, boof, boof, boof, boof in comes out. What have she done? Why does the house smell better than a warmth than your toast cafe? What is happening? Everyone welcome. You put that on oven proof, you know, like a wooden board. Spoon. Let's get jiggy. Oh, you seem to be crying. That's because you've tried my potatoes. Lovely. That's the biggest play anyone's ever

made for a side dish before. It's a favorite drink now. And we know how you feel about water. And really all liquid. Are my, what time of day is it and who am I with? Anytime. That's up to you. All right. Well, if I'm out with the girls, right, my best friends in our world, then I'm going to have a margarita because it is the best drink. But I can't really drink the whole thing because I'll fall over because I'm not really good with alcohol. I'd have a nap at my own wedding. One sip of wine. I was like, not being friendly. This is going on a bit. I'm going to just have to get my head down. However, my favorite beverage, I'm even holding it. Look, it's here. Diet seven up. That is nectar. That's the gods. When was the last time you had a diet seven up?

Quite recently. It is good. It is nice. But it's so delicious. Glides down like a beautiful water. Like a beautiful water. No, no, no. There's water taste. That was a waste of time. And I've got a massive tongue. My tummy is swilling around with liquid. Every time I have just don't give it anything. And it'd be a little dry, empty shell full of toast. You know, I'm going out tonight with one of my best friends in our world. I might have a margarita because I like the salt and I like the zing of tequila and it feels a bit wild. Makes me want to mess up my hair, wear high heels, kiss the bloke who lights water. It's all a bit ring a ding isn't it? A margarita. I can't abide wine. I don't understand it. It makes sense that your favorite

drink would have salt on it. There you go. There you go. I like it on the rocks. Just all fucked up in a glass rock. Salt out. White lipstick, black eyeliner, out with the girls, feeling our boobs. What are we doing? And then at about quarter to ten we go night night. Look, this is going to sound like a perverted question, but it isn't. I genuinely don't know what you meant. Feeling our boobs? Well, girls, we're not feeling our boobs. We're not feeling each other's boobs, although we would. We're just out. I know what you mean. When you feel so excited that you're out, that you just need to grab something and your own bits of that, James, if you've never been so excited, you've got to grab your crotch. You're the one sat like Michael Jackson. He does it all

the time. A margarita has the promise of filth and a big night, whereas a vodka and tonic, also a good beverage, but wine is like sleepy. But if you have a margarita, you could go, do you know what, might end up in a hole. Let's just go for it. Let's just see what's going to happen. Anything could happen. Nothing does happen because we have two sips and then go, should go to bed. But failing that, this, I'm holding it up. Yes. Do you hear that? It's like a magic liquid. I've got the can near the microphone. Here. You know what it says? Diet seven up. It says refreshed, but not really. And that's what I like. You don't like to be fully refreshed. I mean, again, not really.

Diet seven up is, I've just dried you out even more. And I think that's why I like it. Do you want to go with the diet seven up then? Because the margarita sounds fun. It sounds like a laugh. Why can't I have both? Come on, we're so friendly now. We've already made a big allowance on the water course. I love diet seven up. I think diet seven up is, I wouldn't, I could live without margaritas. I cannot live without diet seven up, because that's what, that's the one who decided. I was going to offer you a margarita made with diet seven up. No, because now you're, we can't mess. I don't want to hybrid. There's just to be clear, you can't live without diet seven up. I can't. I can't survive.

You can't live without it. I hear what you're saying, James. I hear you. I mean, you know where I'm going with it. I know where you're going. And I, part of my brain knows that you're making sense, but I just can't get there. It doesn't have the taste of it. I don't like going to the gym. There's all kinds of, I don't like roller coasters. I don't like tarantulas. Guess what? I don't do that. I don't have them. I don't have spiders in my house. I don't go to Alton towers. Do you like normal seven up? No, no, that's a disgrace. So you never drink it? No.

But you drink diet seven up? I like fake sugar. Sugar feels a bit too straightforward. So you haven't had normal seven up in ages? No. Does diet seven up just taste like normal seven up to you now? Yes, but I don't think it does. I mean, I think if I taste test, you know, do you remember these pepsi and coke? You won't remember it's before you were born. So, but if you had a diet seven up and a seven up, I'd be able to taste the difference, but seven up would just be too sweet. Yes. I also have at least two naps a day. I should have mentioned that perhaps.

So yeah, because you're dehydrated. You're basically in the desert at this point. I'm always in the desert. You're not wrong. So I'm not really just have to lie down and have a nap. But it's difficult to nap after I imagine a proper can of seven up because your little heart, you know, your brain will be all bouncy. It's like if I give the small ones Haribo and then they're like, and I'm like, why wouldn't they go to sleep? It's so weird. It's just one packet of tongue plastics. But diet seven up to find doesn't mess with anything.

Solid choice, I think. I think it goes nicely with the meal as well. It compliments the mac and cheese particularly. There you go. Now, I'm a bit nervous going into this final course because you mentioned how much you love crackers earlier. I really hope and they don't make an appearance in your dessert. Sort of do. So the best pudding, we all know this. So we can dilly dally. People can talk about fondants. People can go, oh, you've had a profiterole and noise.

This is the best pudding, but it has been ruined. There are many different machinations, which are all wrong. So my favorite pudding is a cheesecake. However, it has to be not baked. That was so close. When you said cheese, I mean the cheesecake, non-baked ratio 50-50 to a buttery, biscuity base and a cream cheese topping. And they do this in some New York diners like it's just base and it's a taste of heaven. If you want a bit of lemon zest in there, I'm not going to argue about it, but I don't want to coolly ever. I don't want a jam topping. I don't want fresh fruit on a

pudding ever. Like, oh, I just, I found a comquot. Get out of here. I'd like a pan, like from the Cheesecake Factory, a pan. Like you wouldn't get for pizza, like a huge big circle. And then a slicer and two teaspoons. Done. Cheerio. Thanks for coming. I'm intrigued by this 50-50 biscuit base. I don't think I've ever seen that before. The reason that cheesecake is embarrassing itself, because I don't know whether people are going healthy or I don't know, but I never want a cheesecake with a thin biscuit or worse, sort of like half biscuit base. Then a big hunk of that sort of wobbly, gelatinous, disgustingness that's been put in the oven. And then a big layer of jam on the top. That's not cheesecake. What I'm talking

about is old-school East Coast America pizza pie cheesecake. Like, that's how they do it, where it's just on the outskirts. You know, if you're looking from the outskirts, the base would come up to at least half. And then you've got the cream cheese and cream topping. Finished. Caput. Pass me a fork. I tell you the one thing that annoys me about biscuit bases on cheesecake is quite often they've just come out of the fridge and trying to get a bit of it off with a fork. Quite often it can just ping across the room. Correct. Are you all right with that? I'm all right with everything, as long as the ratio is correct, as long as it's chilled, as long as it hasn't been baked, as long as it's plentiful, there's enough for everyone,

then we all know it's the best pudding. Full stock. But I agree, if I just said casually, cheesecake, everyone would go, she's fallen at the final hurt. Like, we were with her. Gollicky potatoes, crispy skin, tuna mouth, a mark of mac and cheese. Oh, we were with you from that point. Yeah, definitely. Sure. I don't think I've got a vegetable in here. I'm embarrassed. I mean, a leafy one. Yeah, cheesecake. I am also a massive fan, and this is what my eldest said to me today, he went, oh, you missed a trick. I also love a chocolate mousse, but not a fancy chocolate mousse, not a dark chocolate mousse. I like a chocolate mousse that you get from the packet.

Like an aero chocolate mousse. Pack of four, teaspoon, telly on, challenge. When it comes to cheesecake, would you say that you're all about that base? Would you protest if we got one of our listeners to maybe make a meme of you? I would like it. I'd be overjoyed. That would be my screensaver. I'd retweet it every day until I'm 90. I mean, I could also, by the way, go for a Kit Kat classic four stick wrapped in foil. I don't want a swoosh of anything. I don't want it to be dusted with anything. I just want a big slab of cheesecake. On a region menu back to you now, see how you feel about it. Water, a mug of mac and cheese.

Problems of veg, you want white bloomer toasted at three, immediately buttered a little bit of marmite. Starter, tuna melt, white bloomer toasted at two, mayonnaise, lots of lemon juice, Tabasco, and a light medium Chedi. Thank you. Main, roast chicken with lemon, garlic, bacon and olive oil. There we go. Side, mother-in-laws, potato, David Dauphin was. Drink, diet seven up, and dessert, non-baked cheesecake, 50-50 base-to-cake ratio. Are you happy with that? Very. I am actually quite happy with that. It's a bit greedy. Yo, what? That is all very good, high-quality comfort food, I'd say. That's my favourite food. I'd describe your menu as bread-y, Chedi and ready for bed-y.

Thank you so much, Claudia. Thanks for having me. Say hello to your naked husband for us. Cheers. I will. Let's go and lick him. It's a taste of butter. Well, there we have it. What a menu, James. Oh, and may I say, bread-y, Chedi and ready for bed-y is your Sistine Chapel-ed. I was very happy with that, but mainly, as I said it, I was just thinking about how much you were going to enjoy it. I absolutely loved it. Sistine Chapel and the Mona Lisa all rolled into one. That was a great episode. I very much enjoyed that and even more enjoyable because she did

not mention Guava once. Thank you so much. Not even a Guava lamp. No Guava lamps in sight. I mean, higher constant campaign against water has thrown me slightly. Amazing. Incredible campaign against water, but a passion about her actual food choices. You can't argue any of them. Yeah, you can't. It's brilliant. So, I think she has earned another plug for her book, despite the fact she absolutely did not want to plug it. We're going to plug it for her. Her book is called Quite. It comes out tomorrow. If you're listening to this on the day, it comes out. That's October the 1st. So, going by Claudia Winkleman's book, Quite, she promises that she's got quite a lot of

melted cheese stuff in there as well. And as you heard in the episode, she loved that melted chedi. She knows how to melt that chedi and I can't do it. They're so impressive when you said that earlier. The bready, chedi, ready for beddy. I tried to think of one on the spot just then and it was so difficult. Quite hard. Yeah, I had like an hour of the episode just thinking about that. Sistine Chapel. You came up with that joke hanging from the ceiling with your back facing the floor. But can I keep up that run of form on a live episode, James? Because we are doing another live streamed episode of Off Menu on the 24th of October. That is part of the Unmute podcast festival. There's lots of other brilliant podcasts taking part. The Blind Boy podcast.

The Adam Buxton podcast. Cuddle Club's doing it with Luz Sanders. Check that one out as well. Oh boy, so many great podcasts. For more details, you can go to UnmutePodcastFestival.com and you can look at all the brilliant podcasts that are taking part and you can buy tickets for the individual live stream events. Organised by the Great Benito himself. If you want to support the Great Benito then go to the Unmute podcast festival. So thank you very much for listening to the Off Menu podcast. We will see you again next week. But for now, goodbye. Ready. Cheddy. And ready for bedding. Hello, my name is Rob Orton and I do the Rob Orton Daily podcast. The Rob Orton Daily podcast is a daily podcast that is quite short. Some are two minutes long, some are 10 minutes long and they

are stories and poems. And basically all the thoughts I've ever had that I like enough to want to share with people. And the Rob Orton podcast is available on Apple, Acast, Spotify, all the other places where you normally get your podcasts and on social media it is at Rob Orton podcast. Thank you. Hello, it's me, Amy Gladhill. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato and our relationship has never been the same since. And I am joined by me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case. Get him on James and Ed. But we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience

to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the new stories that we've missed out from the North because look, we're two Northerners. Sure. But we've been living in London for a long time. The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News. We'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glill's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.