Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 78: Dolly Alderton

Episode Date: October 14, 2020

It’s an episode full of Highs and Lows as author, journalist and podcaster Dolly Alderton chooses her dream meal. This episodes comes with sparklers in it, like a Mayfair nightclub cocktail.Dolly Alderton’s debut novel ‘Ghosts’ is published on 15 Oct 2020. Buy it hereFollow Dolly on Instagram and Twitter: @dollyaldertonRecorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive Productions.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? Now, if you swallow this podcast whole, you won't get the full flavour of it, so it's one bite and then down. Welcome to the Off Menu podcast with me, Ed Gamble. My name is James Acaster, one bite and then down. One bite and then down, that's the old catchphrase from the podcast. Oh, Ed, what is this podcast? Oh, it's the Off Menu podcast. I've already said that bit, haven't I? Yes. But normally you do the bit where we say we ask a special guest. Or sometimes I set you up for it, so I'll do it now. It's a podcast about food

where we ask a special guest there. Hello. Excellent impression of Roshan Conaty after Pop It Up and Zubred. For Pod Heads out there, you'll know that when Roshan Conaty was asked Pop It Up and Zubred, she paused for ages and then said hello. But then we asked her, her favourite ever, start a main course dessert, side dish and drink. But this week, we're not asking Roshan that. We're asking Dolly Alderton. Podcaster, author, broadcaster, guest on the Off Menu podcast. I'm just thinking of as many things as I can list off the top of my head there. She's got a lot going on. She's very busy. Her new book Ghosts is about to be released. You should all go out and grab a copy of that. It is her first novel, fictiony

novel business. She's written other books in the past. So go and get that. It sounds excellent. I can't wait to read it. But even though Dolly's written a brilliant book and has done many brilliant podcasts still, if she says the secret ingredient, an ingredient that we do not like, then we will chuck her out of the restaurant. Won't we, Ed? Yes, we will. And the ingredient this week that will lead to Dolly's removal, if she mentions it is, modelling chocolate. Can you tell that me and James have been watching a lot of Netflix baking competition shows? They always are. It's always like in the finale as well. And to impress the judges, they tend to be modelling chocolate. And it might look visually amazing and look

like, you know, they've made of a full kind of like a stag or something out of chocolate. It doesn't taste, that's not the nicest taste in chocolate in the world. Can't it? Forget about it. Yeah. And also I don't like it when in those shows where they're like, oh, yeah, look at this amazing thing we've made. And then half of it is a big Rice Krispie treat that they've covered in fondant. Yeah. Although you would eat that. I know you would eat that before you say it. I know you'd find that as delicious as a cake. But when you say you're making an amazing cake, I want it to be cake. I don't want it to be something you've got out of a packet and then thrown fondant over it. Yes. A Rice Krispie treat smushed together

covered in fondant is I think what stoners would eat. Yeah. What you were used to win a competition with. Well, actually, you would eat it as well. And it suddenly just realised that you have the palette of a stoner. Yeah, exactly right. And for good reason, I hung out with the stoners in school. Yeah, I didn't partake in the weed, but I absolutely got in with the snacks with that when it was snack time. So that is very much who I am. Of course. Did you? Is that how you discovered your love of sweet things? Or did you know you loved it and you knew the stoners were the people to hang out with? Oh, definitely that way around. Yes. But but then that's informed my personality from there. I would say if anyone ever asks

you what's James Acastal like, say he's a stoner who's never done drugs. Here's what I really want to mention to the guests. I think it's important that they know this is that we've recorded this over zoom. Yes. During well, it's not quite locked. I don't know when you listen to this podcast. Maybe it's a few years in the future. But remember that period where no one knew what the rules are and it was really confusing? That's when we recorded this. It's over zoom. It's where we probably could have recorded it in a room altogether, but it just feels a bit weird. Yes. Yeah, we would have felt scared and we didn't want to feel scared. Yes. So without further ado, here is the off menu menu of Dolly Alderton.

Dolly Alderton, welcome to the dream restaurant. Thank you so much for having me. And I have to say this is already my dream restaurant because you guys emailed me before telling me what the concept was. So you didn't have to stand by the table as soon as I arrived and say my least favorite thing that I can ever hear in a restaurant, which is, have you been here before? Can we explain the menu to you? Yeah, I go to a lot of restaurants Oh, well, we don't need to explain what's happened. Dolly Alderton to the dream restaurant. Have you been here before? Well here at the dream restaurant, we don't need to explain the menu to you at all because

it's your menu. You're coming up with it. There's nothing to explain. But on that point, I kind of get what you mean. I don't like those restaurants where they have to explain the menu to you or explain the concept of the restaurant. But also it makes me feel a bit fancy. It does. It does make you feel fancy. To be honest, it makes me feel a little bit nervous and alienated. It makes me feel like I've just arrived at an exercise class and I'm very clearly like it's my first bit from yoga session or something like I feel so embarrassed and self conscious when they asked me that. And I also do just feel, you know, if a menu has to be explained, then at the core, the menu system is rotten. Something

is malfunctioned. If it has to be explained, I don't know why it really makes my heart sink. Got any examples? They still do it to me every time I go into Agamama, despite it being my most frequented eatery. And I immediately, like I can almost cut them off the first word of the sentence now because I know that it's coming. But most like small plate restaurants, I feel like they have to do quite a lot of explanation at the top. Yeah, they have to say how many dishes they think you should order per person, which immediately

makes me feel bad because I want to order more than that always. I think that they massively underestimate how much you should be ordering. I've never gone to a small plate restaurant and eaten the amount they've said and felt satisfied. Well, I never order what they suggest. I just overorder and occasionally they've had to drag an extra table over, which is never a good look when you have to order an extra table as well. How do you guys feel about small plate dining? I like it because I love starters and I feel like it's a way of having an entire meal of

starters. You can have as many different tastes of as many different things as possible. I'm totally into small plate dining. I will only do small plate dining, though, if I'm with my girlfriend or one other person, more than two people, it's impossible because you have to start splitting it three ways. I'm not good at sharing. So it has to I'm on board with small plate dining as long as I can eat most of it, I'd say. I think that's the right attitude. I think doing it just with two people, that should be the absolute cut off because you just get to a point where you're like sharing a soup or something with six people. You're sharing dishes that were never meant to be split six

ways. Well, you can. In a restaurant, you'd all get a spoon and then you'd split a soup six ways, would you? Oh, sorry, Ed. Have you not heard of straws? Now, that is a restaurant where they'd have to explain the menu to me. Just to let you know, the soup, you can split that. You'll all be getting your own straw, like one of those big punch bowls. Yeah, like a big old punch bowl, and you can all just go at the same time and see who gets

the most, you know? And maybe that it would come with with sparklers in it, like you're in a sort of May fair nightclub. That would be nice, wouldn't it? There you go. Yeah, that's a lot of fun. I mean, I tell you what, Dolly, we never had a guest on who's so early on, I'm like, I don't think we've lived the same life. So far, your two touchstones have been, it's like when you're going to Bikram yoga for the first time, and it's like we're in a May fair nightclub. It's like, yeah, yeah, exactly like those two things.

I think I've just abandoned all pretensions of being a relatable person for this podcast, guys. Don't worry about it. Totally fair. I just nodded along because I know what Bikram yoga is, so I imagine doing it. And I've seen pictures of May fair nightclubs in newspapers. So I feel like I'm a happy go between, whereas James is refusing to believe he knows what a May fair nightclub would be at all. You can be the Google translate between us.

Absolutely fine. Yeah, I'll do that. I'm sure it will come up again. I find if I'm in a small plate restaurant, and I start, and I know, because you always know that you're about to overorder, even if they don't explain it to you beforehand, you know when you're about to do an overorder. And so the trick is, because you know there's going to be judgment coming in at some point from the weight in staff, maybe they'll even advise you not to have as much as you're having. And so it's all in your delivery. The way that you go through it, right, we'll have this, this and this. And

then you know that you're only going to have five between the two of you. So as soon as you get to five, you do that and then you're like, oh, and you sell this as it's your last one, the sixth one, you've got to sell it as if it's the final one, we'll have that. Then they go, yeah, OK, then you just like, you slide a couple under the radar, just as the doors closing, you know, and this and this. Thank you very much. And then as they're walking away, chucking everyone in there. Yeah, you've got to basically you've got to Colombo it, haven't you? Yeah. As they're walking away, one more thing.

Yeah. And I think the worst thing that you can do is say, well, that'd be enough. Do you think that's too much? You never ever want to ask that. No, the answer to that always that I get is, well, how hungry are you? Yeah, but in a really judgmental way, as if to say, are you really going to eat all this food you fucking pig? That's that's basically what they want to say, isn't it? And then I do eat it and I feel awful. Also, they give me that that false sense of hope when they say, well, you can always

order more. And then I don't feel like you ever do order more because once you're in the flow of it and you know that there isn't enough food, it's so rare that you call them over and say, can I have the menu back? I'd like to order another stew between six. Imagine being that person that when they say you can always order more, actually orders more. It's never happened. Yeah. In fact, what normally what normally happens to me is they forget a dish and like a dish hasn't arrived.

And I have to say to the person I'm with, I really hope they have completely forgotten about this because I'm too full and I couldn't possibly eat it. That is the dream. Every now and again, I've overordered and they've forgotten to bring one of the dishes over. And you realize, oh, thank God. But then you still want to bring it up because you don't want to on the you don't have to pay for that dish that didn't come. So right at the end, you have to kind of say, we ought to book it. It didn't arrive there. Oh, so sorry.

Well, just no, no, please do not get it. No, I'm in a rush. Yeah, I'm in a bit of a rush. I'm sorry. I couldn't possibly have it. It back. I've had it backfire before when I was in Japan and we were in an Isekaya and we ordered far too much food. And then there was one dish remaining and we were completely stuffed and like,

please don't arrive because that dish was curly fries covered in fish eggs. A nice little palate cleanser at the end. Exactly. Just something a little fresh at the end of the meal, just to lift you up. And it arrived and it was a gigantic bowl and I duly ate the whole thing. And it was it was the worst end to the evening. I hope before you ate the whole thing, you took a photo of them and tweeted it to a certain, you know, who and said, what about these ones?

Yes, Christian and Gary Murphy in the folklore of the podcast has never seen a curly fry. What the fuck? That's crazy. You know, the university that I went to was the most like a political university. There was the whole time that I was there. I don't think they never saw one petition circulated. I never saw any marches. I never saw any protest.

The only huge student revolt that I saw was when they took curly fries off the student union pub. Quick translate for James. University is a place of learning. It's like tertiary education. OK. Similar to school. It's like school, but sort of a bit more grown up and a bit more relaxed.

And they have curly fries. Good curly fries now. Good curly fries. Yeah, fantastic. So obviously, before we move on with the meal itself, Dolly, in this restaurant, pre-water, we have the book course where we talk about a book that the guest has recently written. Now, a little birdie tells me you've just written a book.

I have. I also really appreciate the book course because I think if you forget the book course, then a very angry publicist storms in at the end when I pay the bill. It's good that you've written a book because quite, quite often the book course just falls on deaf ears because I guess haven't written a book. Yes, I've just written a book. I've written a novel called Ghosts. Tell us a little bit about the novel Ghosts whilst trying to look happy about it

and not like you've had to do this about 150 times already. So Ghosts is a novel about a woman called Nina, who's in her early 30s and she's never dated before. So she tries the world of online dating and she, well, it's not really a spoiler. The clue is in the title. She gets ghosted and she's also being kind of ghosted in other ways in her life. Her father is suffering from dementia. What her oldest friend is starting a family and moving out of London.

And her ex-boyfriend, who was like the big long term relationship of her 20s, is getting married. And every time I describe this book, I make it sound so fucking miserable. I promise there are so much jokes in there as well. Now, to connect it with the podcast, when you're writing a book, what snacks are you eating? Yes, I once read that the worst thing that you can do when you're writing is stop and make a complicated lunch.

It's annoying because I love lunch and I love cooking and if I could, I would take an hour and a half every day to make something complicated. But the minute you start faffing about with the lunch, just the whole afternoon, you lose your focus. So I have, I kind of snack and graze all day, but I don't really let myself cook anything until the evening. I just think I'm so easily distracted. I'm so desperate to do anything other than write the damn book.

I can't give myself any permission at all. So it's mainly just, you know, bits of cheese, bits of bread, pieces of fruit, very Dickensian, really. Do you guys, do you guys stop for lunch or do you find it can be a bit distracting if you start kind of assembling things? I've learned some little simple things now and I'm absolutely loving it. Simple, quick things. Just had a grilled egg machine yesterday.

Just that's all I did. Just stopped for a little grilled egg machine, takes 15 minutes. Absolutely delicious. Ed, do you remember that egg machine that we had in New York? Yeah, Lil Frankie's. Yes, you went crazy. And you were like, pretty easy to make those. You were right.

Yeah. It was the easiest thing in the world. What do you do the same as the man did? So put it in half, score it, then brushed it with olive oil, salt and pepper, put its skin side up under the grill for 10 minutes, then flip them over, then more olive oil, garlic and lemon juice under again for five minutes and then I bought it out and did all the theater that that man did and I mushed it all up on the inside, spread it all out, got it

also, all the flesh was all mixed up and it's still, still sitting in the skins and then I ate it and I was like, I did it. I'm Lil Frankie. And do you, do you eat anything with it or do you just, do you eat it almost like a yogurt? You just scoop it out. Good question. I think you should eat something with it.

Yesterday I did not. It was a bit like I was eating a yogurt. Yeah. It's a savory yogurt. Do you know, I actually think I've never been someone who's got bored of cooking. Like it's one of my favorite things to do and I never, I can never kind of have enough of it. Lockdown is the first time in my life where I was just like, I'm done with this.

I'm absolute. And I think it was the cycle of washing up. It just made me think about, I felt like I was inching toward death every day when I was going through the cycle of washing up and putting it back. And then do I put it in the cupboard? Probably not. It's going to be out again in four hours. You don't have to do any washing up here at the dream restaurant.

The great Benito does all the washing up here. He's the pot wash. Still a sparkling water. Sparkling, please. I love sparkling water so much that I purchased a soda stream just to make my own sparkling water at home. And then I did something so sad because I was getting through those canisters so fast, I sat and calculated what the price difference was between making my

own sparkling water at home and buying just the big value bottles from Sainsbury's and it was the difference of about 9p. But there's something exciting about it. Look, just going to put all our cards on the table. Soda stream sent me and James. Right. OK, each one recently, each one each. We don't have to share it or anything.

I've never been on board with sparkling water at home, really. Too decadent. The process of making your own sparkling water, the hiss of it. When you take it out, it feels like you're in the future. It feels like it feels like you're getting a message out of a tube on a big spaceship, if you know what I mean. It does feel like a spaceship. I think James has got other opinions on it because he texted me saying he'd

sucked himself. I don't know what I'm doing different to you. I don't know what I'm doing. I think I know what you're doing. So I've actually got one right here. I've got the soda stream bottle. If you go over that watermark or under that watermark, then it will spray everywhere. And also, once you've finished fizzing it, you need to let it

rest for about five seconds before you take it out. Otherwise, it will spray all over you. Have you been overfilling it, James? I know you've been overfilling it. No, because I was very careful with the watermark. I mean, clearly, I've got even like a millimeter or one millimeter above or below it. And like I was very careful getting it on the mark. Right.

It says like three pumps of the button for slightly fizzy and four for mega fizz or whatever it says. Yeah, that's exactly what it says. Are you putting like big pauses between each time you press the button or you just go doosh, doosh, doosh. No, not doosh, doosh, doosh. Don't doosh, doosh, doosh. No, don't do that.

I'm dooshed, dooshed, dooshed. Yeah, but I've done it at that pace. Soaked. And then do you take it straight out? Because if you take it immediately straight out, then it will... It's never got me on the immediate while I'm taking it out. While I'm taking it out, it's always been okay. It's always when I'm dushing the button and then completely soaks me.

I wonder what is happening here. And it's not even that fizzy. I bet they've sent you a joke one. Sounds like they have. Thank you, SodaStream, for my one that works. And thank you for sending a joke one to James. It's so embarrassing because my girlfriend had never even heard of SodaStream before. Can you imagine, Dolly?

She'd never even heard of it. And so we got this SodaStream sent to us and I was like, I'm going to show her how great SodaStreams are. And I just soak myself and then it's not even fizzy. I don't think you can be putting it in properly. I don't think you're securing it into the thing properly. It's got to really click up. This is going to be a very accessible segment, isn't it,

for anyone who's never tried a SodaStream? Have you tried anything else, Ed, in your SodaStream? No, it's just been water. Obviously, the temptation for milk is there. I'm trying to hold back from fizzy milk at the moment. I've not used any of the syrups yet. It's just been straight up water. I use the syrup.

Well, it didn't matter if you use the syrup, mate. So you were sticky and wet. It's like this idea of this sort of like mad Willy Wonka thing going on with you every time you go to the SodaStream. Why don't you call me later? Do a video call later and I'll take you through it, OK? OK, thank you, Ed. All right, so we've got Spock.

Pop it up, it's all bread! It's so hard, it's so hard, this question. It's really been churning away in the noggin for a couple of weeks, this question, because I don't love poppadoms, but I love lime pickle. Do I get lime pickle? Yeah. Yes, but are you going to choose bread and have lime pickle?

What's your...? Oh, could I do that? I don't think I'd stop it. OK. No one's done it before, which makes me want to let you do it. OK, great, I'll do that. I'm a complete pickle fanatic. I have a pickle shelf in my fridge. I love anything in vinegar and lime pickle on bread.

Can I get butter as well? I'd like a really thick layer of salted butter. Oh, my mouth's rewatering. I'd like a really thick layer of salted butter on, like, just squidgy, white, bloomer bread. And then I'd like to load some lime pickle on top of it. It's a pretty maverick move. Have you done that before?

I've had lime pickle on toast, yeah. Toast, I understand. When you said squidgy bread, I was like, are we getting lime pickle involved in this? I know, but I want the... I'm actually not a huge fan of bread. In the cob, in my kind of top greatest hits of carbs, bread comes in at number three, I think.

What? I know. Well, we're obviously going to need the full rundown of the cast, please. Number one, pasta. Number two, potatoes. Number three. Brett, oh, no, Edgy looks so upset. I think that's fine. No, it's all right, this is the podcast about, you know.

I think it's OK, it's a shame to see bread so low. Do you know what? I'd put it in the same place. I'd put it third. I'd probably put potatoes first. I love potatoes, I love all the different ways you can have them. Pasta's brilliant, but I just don't want it as often as I have potatoes. Yeah. I do like bread, but I'd put it in third. I just don't seem to be as fanatical about bread as other people are. Like, I love bread as a vehicle for a huge amount of butter,

but I would never sit at a table and just stuff a big dry bread roll in my mouth the way that lots of my dining companions do. You wouldn't stuff a big dry potato in your mouth either, would you? Good point. Look, I'm probably going to upset you absolute tater heads over there, but I think potatoes might be near the bottom for me. What?

There's no real way of preparing potatoes that I'm like, yes, that's what I definitely want. Like, fries, chips, fine. Mash? Nah, too wet. What? Not if it's done properly. You'd probably say it's too wet. Not if I did it for you.

Baked potato? What about baked potato? No, no, baked potatoes are towards that. If we're going into the meta chart, the baked potato is actually quite low on the baked potato chart, and bottom has got to be boiled new potatoes are the worst food in the world. Oh, not if you're like in garlic butter. Yeah.

Yeah, I like butter. Yeah, lovely. Give me the butter. Put it on some bread. Perfect. No, no. What about hassle bags? Oh, I love a hassle bag. Is it fad? It's a gimmick. What about roast potatoes?

Look, I like roast potatoes. I like potato dauphinoise. I like potato boulangerie. I'm a big fan of carbs, so when you put potatoes low on the carb list, it's still above most foods. Mm-hmm. But I'm a breadhead.

I'm a breadhead at heart. What are you going, bread number one, pasta number two? I might go rice number two. Oh, no, that's mad. Did you like it? I'm just stop eating. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for agreeing with the majority of the world, James,

that rice is a good food. It's all right. But I think the majority of the world are just putting up with it. Easy to make. That's a good job. I agree. I agree.

Oh, we're noodles in this conversation? Oh, yeah, noodles. Yeah, I'd actually put noodles above bread. Bread would come in at number four, actually. I'd go noodles above rice and above pasta, actually. Oh, my God. I'd probably go pasta before rice. Who am I kidding?

Sorry, I'm spending far too long doing this. No, well, I don't think we've spent long enough yet. Actually, maybe potatoes a second. Oh, here we go. But I'm trying to work out if I like the potato or I like all the things you can add to it, because there's the baked potato shop in Edinburgh on the top of Coburn Street, and there's Monster Mash,

the Champ Mash there, absolutely brilliant. Text on butter, wonderfully. But is it the potato I like, or is it everything else added to it? It's a philosophical question. I don't like that argument when people put it forward. They do it for a lot of different things and say, oh. I'm not putting it forward.

I'm saying, what do I like? But I appreciate that, Ed. I'm basically trying to help you, because I think everyone goes, oh, you don't like the potato. You like all the toppings, and no, no, no, no, no. Food is a combination of stuff, right? So when people are like, oh, that's not what, yo. Oh, what is it?

Nish Kumar always telling me, oh, you don't like sushi. You like soy sauce. That's all you like and all this. But no, because I'm not glugging soy sauce out of a bottle on its own, am I? So that's nonsense. It's a combination of all of it, and you enjoy that. And the main headliner of the dish is either the mash

or the sushi, whatever you're involved in. So that's what you attribute to the main thing that you like. Also, I don't want to enter into an us and them thing with the bread and the potatoes. And you guys have obviously a very good thing going on, and I don't want to cause any fractures between you two. But you can, a potato without topping can still have lots of texture.

So you can, a baked potato, the perfect baked potato, which you should cook for way longer than you think you should cook, will have a really crispy outside and a really soft, fudgy inside. Whereas a bit of bread, if you're having it bare. Lovely. I challenge you, Dolly, to get a fresh baguette

and walk home and not bite the top off. OK, challenge accepted. Sticks out the bag. It sticks out the bag. It's going, oh, I'm all warm and fresh. You're going to bite the top off, aren't you? All right, I'll have a go at that. OK, you've genuinely accepted it.

It's a challenge that's not where I thought that would go. I'll do that this week and get back to you. We better get on to your start. I think I would have, I think I'm going to be one of those really annoying people at your restaurant who offers up two things and then asks the genie to recommend which I should have. Oh, great.

So, either I would have, and this is like a recently discovered, delicious, amazing thing that I can't believe I've never had before, a whole globe artichoke steamed with homemade burné sauce to dip it in, and then you just take the flesh off the leaves with your teeth. I had it in a restaurant for the first time. Have you guys ever had that?

No, never heard of this. I have had that. I know what an artichoke is, but I know what all the individual words mean, but that dish, there was a dish. You're going to have to translate again here, eh? I have had it. I think I actually had it in bone daddies. They did it in bone daddies for a while,

but I didn't know how to eat it. I wasn't really o-fay with the artichoke. Yeah, it's very, and no one tells you. No one tells you. They assume you know how to eat the artichoke, and then you end up trying to chew through a whole leaf. Yeah. And you think this is what the hell is wrong with this vegetable.

This is the worst thing I've ever tasted. And then you realise you've got to sort of scrape it off with your teeth and like leave the petals there. It's a very, it doesn't look nice when you finished it. It looks like you've just chewed on everything and then spat it out, but it is, it's delicious. So delicious. Where have you had this before?

I had it in a restaurant in Soho. I can't remember the name of it. And then my book editor, who's a woman called Juliet, who also, she edits cookbooks. And she is, I think, the best cook that I've ever met. And this kind of is known for her cooking. And I went to her house and she did it at her house for me. And it was so beautiful.

So she gave me the recipe and I tried to do it at home. And it was fucking rank. I tried to. I steamed it for like three hours and it was horrible. It just tasted like eating. I couldn't get, you know, when it's it go, the leaf, the leaf flesh goes really like velvety and it should just like scrape straight off.

It was just like eating bark. It was horrible. So that's why I think it would be nice to have in a restaurant because it's just something you'd never have at home. Well, look, I know you're asking me to recommend something and I haven't heard the second one yet, but I'm recommending the second one. You don't like the sound of this, James?

Even when you described the nice version of it, I was like, no, thank you. Just scraping it off with my teeth and doing all that. What? OK, so the second thing I was going to ask for is a really garlicky gazpacho with ice cubes in it. Wow. I mean, yeah. I love gazpacho. Let's go with that.

I love gazpacho. I think the best thing I've eaten or locked down was gazpacho, actually. During the heatwave. Yeah, it was when it was really hot. And it's one of the takeaways we got. And I think it was from, there's a place called Piede, piede, piede, piede, piede, something like that.

Yeah, sounds right. And they were doing a vegan feast delivered to your house and Pia meant gazpacho was the starter. I could have drank it forever. Love it. I think gazpacho has ruined hot soup for me. Me too. Me too. I taste hot soup and I'm like,

have the courage of your convictions and go cold. What's hot soup piede? And also you can have lots of little bits. You can scatter little bits. I had gazpacho recently at friend's house and she had like a hard-boiled egg chopped up, which is apparently traditional, that you can have on top. It's just so good.

Well, here's a question about your gazpacho that we're going to be serving you. How many straws would you like? Straws, I'm not going to be prissy about. Sparklers, I would like three. The thing is about gazpacho is that it sounds, even though I've had gazpacho that's been delicious, but it always sounds gross to me.

Like, I can't switch that thing in my head that says cold soup is disgusting. And yet, every time I've had it, it's been like refreshing and delicious and surprising. Yeah, you're so right. And do you know what else I have that with? Tarama Salata. Yes. Like, academically, cognitively,

I'm like, ugh, no, can't. And then I just have to have really pure thoughts as that bread with tarama salata is going into my mouth. And then the minute it's in the gobb, I'm totally sold. It's the colour of it as well. No dip should be that colour. Yeah. And the name. It's the name. Not a fan of the name.

I think the name said in an English accent just doesn't sound nice. It, phonetically, it's a squelchy name. Sloppy words. Yeah. Tarama salata. It doesn't sound like it's going to be good when said in our accents. Yeah. I think they've missed a real thing here.

There could be a gap in the market for cartons of gazpacho, like cartons of ribena, and sell them in the supermarket, sell them in corner shops. I would easily, on a hot day, I'd rather pick up a carton of gazpacho than a carton of ribena. Yeah. I think you can actually buy cartons of them in Spain.

Yeah. I think so. I think you can. I'm moving to Spain. I'll do it. What would you call, if you started that business, Ed, and it was in a little carton of gazpacho, if we just grab it and say... Oh, gazpacho, go. Gazpacho, go. Yeah. Less than a second, that. Of course.

How are you guys with oysters? Because I nearly, I did was toying with oysters as well. After the Mayfair comment, I'm glad I didn't, but... LAUGHTER But you guys like them. I love oysters. Yeah. I think oysters, I thought were going to be disgusting, so I didn't eat them for ages. Once I ate them, thought they were amazing,

and never thought of them as anything other than delicious. Gazpacho is different because no matter how many amazing gazpachos I have, even when it's the best thing I've had in the last four months, I still think, in my head, that's disgusting. Yeah. You just can't undo it. I have foods that I will not order because I can't be bothered with the admin.

I think the artichoke would be one of those. And prawns with the shell on, that sort of thing. Crab. Yeah. Crab, mussels. Anything that requires me to do admin and get mucky hands. Yeah, it feels like a workout. I would probably squire. I'm with you. I'm getting prawns tonight. You're getting prawns tonight? I'm getting big daddy prawns. Fat prawns from four minutes away from me,

and this curry they do, they're in the shells, but they just come out the shell, they pop out the shells easy. First time I saw them in the shells, I felt like you. I was like, oh, no. Yeah. Oh, no, disgusting. They'd be all so gross, and then I was like so happy when they just, the flesh, the plump, succulent flesh of the prawn is peeled out of its shell so easy,

and that's all they have with it. Oh, I'm in love, and I can't wait to get it later. I woke up this morning and started thinking about it immediately. How long have you been planning to get the prawns? Since last night, when we were watching something, and I texted my mum and asked her what she was up to today, and she said her and her friend Hilary were having a curry, and I thought, I want a curry, I want that prawn curry,

and I said to my girlfriend, can we get curry tomorrow, please? Because it's a level spot now, it's too late to order curry. So, yes, I said... That is the most pathetic story you have ever told in your life. No, I know that feeling. You are getting a curry. You know the feeling of you want to get a curry

because you want to copy your mum? Well, it's not because I want to copy my mum, let me be clear. Oh, Mummy, I'd like to get a curry like you and Hilary, but it's too late. If I get one tomorrow, are we still the same? It's because... Whenever anyone says they're getting a curry, it makes me want to get a curry. Especially your mum and Hilary.

Especially my mum and Hilary, who are the coolest people I know. Your main course, then, Dolly, we've got Gazpacho for the starter, and if you don't mind, I've taken the liberty of putting the artichoke in the bin. OK, no problem. But what is your main course? I think I would have, in a world of no consequence, as we've always already kind of established, I would eat pasta for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

So I think my main course I would have, spaghetti with clams is my favourite pasta. This is a sore spot, though, for me. Oh, why? Oh, dear. This is one of the things that sent me out of pointless. The episode continues to be relatable. Yeah, we've discussed it before on the podcast,

but I won't crash it out of pointless, because we had to guess ingredients that were in a pasta dish. There was a whole load of different pasta dishes by a whole load of different famous chefs, named any ingredient that's in any of those pasta dishes. I said chocolate, because I've had it in my memory that people put chocolate in. Yeah, we've been through this before. You were thinking of Trilly Konkarni, carry on.

But Horne said clams, and he got like, you know, two or something, and they beat us. Clams in pasta, as nice as it sounds. I'm sorry. I know. I just feel like a failure now. I'm sitting here. I'm so sorry to have done that. To be fair, Dolly, don't be that worried, because any dish you picked, James would have been able to find a way of getting in an anecdote

about a horrible time he'd had on the TV show. Yeah. To be fair, even that or a live gig. Or a podcast. Or a podcast. Are the clams in their shells and in this case? Yes, and you know what? That's a faff I don't mind, because what I do is I will take all the clams

out of the shells and put them into the pasta before I start, so I can just go hell for leather. When you eat it, they're out of the shell. Yes, yes. Okay, good. And I'm sure that's quite crass. I'm sure you probably shouldn't do that. But I don't want to be, once I get started, it is my favourite thing in the whole world.

And once I get started, I don't want to be stopping doing those shells and the fingers in the lemon. Now, I know that the Mayfair nightclub thing hit you quite hard at the beginning of the episode, because otherwise you would have referred to this as spaghetti albongale. Oh, my God. You clearly made the decision in your mind to translate it into English. You knew that about me.

I literally was like, don't give them more, am I? And if they say, if they say, bongale, you go, what? I don't know what that is. What's that? I've never heard of that. I don't know what that is. I was at albongale. I thought, I thought Ed said, so I haven't heard this word before.

And it's not me trying to appear like, you know, an everyman. I haven't heard bongale before. But like, when Ed said it, I thought he said spaghetti albongale. And I thought it was like, I started thinking about bungal for rainbow eating some spaghetti. Albongale. Well, I probably said, I probably tried to really, really jazz up the pronunciation of it there.

Albongale. I probably said closer to bungale than. I mean, that does sound like something Del Boy would say. Just forget your albongale. Yeah, yeah. Other than the trauma of the pointness, do you guys like clams? I don't know how often I'm having clams, though. Yeah, so I've not had them very often.

And when I have, I think I compare them too much to stuff like oysters. And I don't like them as much as that. And so I've never, I think I've only had them like twice. And both times it's been a place that does oysters. And we've just like gone, oh, let's, you know, we've kind of a group of mates have gone crazy. Let's get some clams as well. They've gone, nah.

But maybe I just haven't had good ones. I think they're better than mussels. I think they're so much more delicious than mussels. Would you have them in any other context apart from the pasta? Would you have just a buck as a clam solo? I would. I've discovered this new fish delivery site that's so good called Pesky Fish. It's so good.

I discovered it in lockdown because I kind of accidentally ended up marooned in a cottage in the middle of nowhere by myself with no car for three months of lockdown. So I had to kind of, and obviously none of the supermarkets were delivering. So I had to find places that could deliver food. And I found this place called Pesky Fish and I now use them pretty much every week. And you sign up and then every day they do an email at like eight in the morning saying what the catch was from the day and the night before and they list it. And then you have to be really fast ordering it.

And then it arrives to you the next morning in an icebox normally with like a little postcard from your fisherman. That's good. Oh, I love that. It's great. Is that really from the fisherman's home? I don't know. I don't know.

I mean, I... I'd be very sad if I found out if it wasn't from the fisherman. I'd be really upset me. As far as I know, fisherman's job is pretty grueling. You know, you get up really early. You'll be fishing all day. But at the end it's like, uh, the guy comes to collect them from Pesky Fish. Cheers.

Oh, thanks for these, frankly. So you've been catching some athlete fish. Can you, uh, write Dolly a postcard, please? What? Just write her a postcard saying you hope that she enjoys the fish. Well, she didn't know she wouldn't enjoy the fish. I've always been fishing all day. So, like, I'm gonna write her a postcard.

Now, just say, I'll... I'll tell you what. It's also in your handwriting. That's all that matters. So I'll... So dear, dear Dolly, write this down, Frank. It was a pleasure to catch this fish for you. Please enjoy.

Best wishes and I hope you're coping well during all this COVID nonsense, Frank. Okay, Frank, thank you. Only 350 more to go. I don't know. Dear Ed, welcome to the Pesky Fish family. My name is Frank. I feel like I've massively... When you get your Pesky Fish order, I've been grandiose.

It's literally just something that says where the fish is from and the name of the fisherman. Great. The thing is, what I would genuinely love, and I wouldn't even complain about this, I would absolutely love it, is if I got an order from Pesky Fish and the postcard just said,

to James, fuck you, from Frank. I would think it was so funny, and I'd respect the fisherman who'd written that so much, and I'm so glad this got to me. Like, soaking wet, the postcard's soaking wet, like, all the inks running. He said, fuck you, fuck you and Pesky Fish.

Fuck you and fuck Pesky Fish. I'm so tired, Frank. Fuck you and your whimsy. You whimsical little prick. So, have you got the clams from there? Yeah, so I got some clams from there, and I just cooked them like you'd cook marinated. I'm now so self-conscious.

Dolly, lean into it. Lean into it. Yeah, with just onion and wine and cream and parsley, just with a big hunk of bread. Some bread, you're not dipping a big old potato in there. Interesting. How, you seem to enjoy bread when it's convenient for you. We come to your side, Desh,

and look, I don't want you to suddenly, Fagal is picking me up on all this stuff. That means I've got to go. Don't, we'll be able to tell if you're lying. You are going to think I'm lying. I have proof. When I was thinking about what my side order would be, I thought about the thing that I like,

like the most moorish, kind of picky thing that I can't stop eating when I start, and I thought of Cheetos Twisted Flame Hot. And I'm just holding up a packet for proof that I ate them earlier. Yeah, 39p, any three for a quid is all it says on it. 39p, if anything, a bit too expensive for me. Yeah, and I can't, I'm completely addicted.

Have you guys tried these? They're the best crisps in the whole world. No, but I think this is our first crisp side dish. Yeah, it's actually. And I respect it. I've never, I don't think I've ever had a Cheeto before, Twisted or otherwise. So I hadn't eaten them until about a month ago,

and then I saw them in the corner shop, and I just decided to try, that's my favorite texture of crisp. I hate her, I don't like a kettle chip. I like a kind of light, crispy, monster munch, Space Raider, Watsit, Quaver, that's my platonic ideal of a crisp. So I decided to try them,

and they are the most more, like, I can't describe how delicious and moorish they are. And I'm so obsessed with them now, that when I go to my corner shop, I will survey the crisps under the till, and ask if they have any, like it's a cheese counter, like, I literally, I'm so up to, like, have you got any more of those lovely flame,

flame hot Cheetos coming in? And I can't, I think I'm averaging about five packets a week at the moment, so that would be my side dish. Also, this is very interesting, because every week on the podcast, we have a secret ingredient, that if the guest says it, we chuck them out of the restaurant,

we don't give them any food. Oh yeah. This week, on the WhatsApp group, one of the things that suggested to be the secret ingredient, but we didn't go with, the great Benito suggested, monster munch. And you've just mentioned how much you like it, you've chosen crisps as your side.

I mean... Could have happened, there is a world where you pick monster munch and then... Toti, because monster munch is like, one of my top three crisps. I think it's probably number two, actually, pickled onion monster munch. I'd hate to.

I don't like him, and I think it's very interesting for a couple of potato heads, to be talking up the monster munch, and doing down the kettle chip, which is the most potato of all the crisps, and your monster munches, your watsits, are sort of corn and maize based. They're not even potato.

I just, I find kettle chips too... Quickly, come on, he's getting us. I know. You've got to do well with this one. Oh, okay, I tell you what. Really come back in. The potato crisps that I love, which is arguably the most potatoy of all the potato crisps,

is the Tato, the Irish Tato. That's my favourite. Have you guys tried Tato's? I have had Tato's. I've not been to the theme park, but I would like to. I would love to go to that theme park. I did a tour, like a book tour last year,

and I discovered Tato's, and I just talked a lot about Tato's publicly. And then the next time that I did a show in Dublin, people threw packets of Tato's at the stage when I came on, like it was Mick Jagger having sort of knickers thrown at him, and it was the best day of my life. I loved it.

I've had that before because of the podcast. You walk out and a food that you've mentioned is on the stage, and the thing is with me is that often on the podcast, I just talk about how much I love ice cream. So sometimes I walk out at the top of the show, and there's a full tub of ice cream on the top of the stage, and I have no other choice but to eat it immediately because it will melt under your hot lights.

I find that very stressful. Absolutely, keep lining them up. That's what I say. How flaming hot are they? Very flaming hot. I like crisps to make your mouth hurt. I think this is the only time that I've been in the tabloid press. There's a type of crisp that the co-op does.

It's an own brand crisp called Sea Salt and Chardonnay Vinegar Potato Crisp, and they are so vinegary that they make your mouth hurt. They are the best salt and vinegar crisps, and I talked about them so much on my podcast that apparently, according to The Mirror, sales went through the roof and I couldn't buy them. I think that's a pretty good reason to be in the tabloid press, to be honest, of all the reasons to be in the tabloid press,

because you made some crisps. After all those Mayfair Club days, it could be much worse, couldn't it? Hold on a second. You're completely shooting yourself in the foot because you're coming on here and saying that you love flaming hot Cheetos, and now you're not going to be able to get them at all your shops because they're going to shell out now.

I know. I fucked it. Yeah, they're already very, very hard to find, and I'm going through them at a rate of knots at that corner shop. I think his heart sinks every time I walk in there. I don't know. It must be pretty delighted. It must be like, finally, all those Cheeto perks I made earlier. Don't look stupid. Do you know what? I am going to send a packet to both of you,

because you can't, and also, it has to be the twisted ones. They're in a spiral shape. Why? It retains the flavour more, and you know the Maisie crisps. I don't maybe, if you don't like Monster Munch, Ed, maybe you won't like them, but the Maisiness and the thickness of them means they form on the roof of your mouth in a lovely mush.

God, they're so good. I'm so sad that packet is finished. You have just described the one thing that I don't like about those crisps. Oh, that's sorry. You're a drink, then. We come to your drink. To wash all this, you've got all the leaf of your mouth

is just coated in Cheetos, I guess. Spicy sludge? Sludgy, furry Cheetos sediment on the top of your mouth. How are you going to wash all that down? Okay, well, I've made my bed, so I'm going to lie in it. It would be a champagne cocktail, which is my favorite thing to give to people when they come to my house,

and then they immediately, they're so hungover and violently sick the next day, they never come to my flat again. So it's a sugar cube with a spoon, like a teaspoon full of brandy or cognac, and then chopped up with champagne. Carver is fine, Cremont is fine, definitely not Prosecco. And then a few Angostura bitters,

and it is the best drink in the whole world. I would drink it all day, if I could. In fact, that's how I plan to spend my all day. I think anytime, if I've never had a cocktail, like if there's a certain cocktail I haven't had it before, Angostura bitters always sells it for me. Yeah, so good. What else do you have it in?

Well, so my girlfriend absolutely loves it, like she'll put it in like lemonade. Like she'll just, she'll like proper shake it in there and stuff, like she'll really go for it. So we really, we really go through it. But I'll put it in like, if I ever, if I can be bothered to make a cocktail, which is rare, like I think the last time I made cocktails,

Nishkumar came over and I made old fashions, and I think we went through a bottle of bourbon, and that is the last time I drank bourbon. But I like that it's, that also has that element of putting a sugar cube in, and putting some liquid onto the sugar cube. And I like that feeling because it makes me feel like I'm trying to sneak medicine to a child.

Yeah, yeah, it's very Mary Poppins. Or a horse. Yeah, very clever. You like to think of all of your guests as horses. Yeah, horses or, horses or children. That's why, I mean, if anyone's ever come to my house for dinner before, that's why I say horse or child when you come in.

I know I never explained it, but it's just me working out which one you are. You say horse, he pops a saddle on you. Yeah, if I feed you with a flat hand, you know which one you are. If you make something out of a plain noise, it's the other way. Oh, it's such a relief for everyone that you've cleared that up.

Yeah, yeah, it was weird, it was weird. I used to put bitters in my world famous Rob Roy's. Any really hardcore fans of the podcasters to enough episodes would know that I used to make Rob Roy's for a little bit. It's a deep cut, but I've mentioned it before. I went for a drink with Nish recently as well, Ed. Yeah, you went for many drinks with Nish, didn't you?

Yeah, had a whole day of, and I haven't really been drinking that much during, or since lockdown, and way too many drinks with Nish. And at the end of the night, Nish, without telling me, ordered loads of food. I didn't know he was doing this. And then it arrived and he said, do you want some?

I went, no. And then he had to eat six bags of chicken wings to himself. He was there, eating him every now and again, like waving and winging at me like, you sure? I was like, yeah, absolutely sure. I'm not hungry. Kept on eating. I had so many, like 24 wings or something.

I've never seen a man more comfortable with being messy, eating food. Yeah. Like, I don't know how you are with that, Dolly. Like, I think I'm okay up to a point. I can eat a wing, but I probably have to then wash my hands and then have the next wing. I don't think I can be messy from a wing

and then go into the next wing. I mean, I don't, I gave up meat in my mid-20s, but I'm thinking about the last time that I ate that kind of barbecue stuff. Yeah, I think I probably would have to have a quick clear up. But is he someone who just is very happy to be very sticky? Oh, yeah. Just, yeah, face covered in it, hands covered in it.

He'll just sit there off out. He doesn't care. I think better than the other way. There's nothing I find more off-putting, and particularly if you're on a date with someone more unhot than someone who's, like, prissy about eating. They never give you enough wet wipes to... Here he is.

That they never give you... And as if by magic is the person you were talking about. That they never give you enough to be able to do it in between each wing and have enough of them. So, like, you end up with this disgusting wipe that is just orange, horrible, and now your fingers weirdly smell like the wipe, and you're eating the wings of them,

and you're going back to the wipe in between, and you're like, why didn't I just eat all three wings and then do one massive wipe at the end, and then I could go to the toilet and, like, proper wash my hands. So, you just use the wipe enough to get me to the toilet, and then wash properly in there. Huge shout-out to some wings I had recently

from the co-lab in Walthamstow. They're like buffalo wings, but they're small bits of bacon in the batter. Absolutely phenomenal. Huge wings as well. Very messy, but honestly, I've decided next time I get them, I've just decided this now to cut down on the mess. I think I'm just going to eat them in the bath. Yeah, good idea.

Oh, also, because that way you can get in the bath and then your girlfriend can come in and shake some Mangostura bitters into the bath water. And you can just soup it, ladle it right down. You just described our perfect evening. I heard a story the other day that I think is maybe the grimmest lockdown story I've heard, just speaking of drunk men overeating, where a guy,

this is like a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend, he had a stag do that he decided he wanted to happen over Zoom with, you know, 30 blokes. And they decided that it wouldn't be fun enough to just get him kind of progressively drunk and see that happening on screen. That wasn't enough of a visual spectacle. So instead, every 10 minutes,

they all had to order him a delivery of the value of 25 pounds. And this went on. It started at like four o'clock in the afternoon and ended at like four in the morning. And then the next day, he ended up in hospital. Of course he did. I know. Isn't that the worst?

Like, I just can't really get my head around that anecdote. And imagine having to go to the hospital during a pandemic when the NHS are working on really important stuff and saying, I'm sorry, I've come to the hospital. I'm so full. I've had 29 deliveries. Yeah. I've kept on eating all the deliveries.

My friends sent me. Well, it's been funny at the time. I don't know. So we've got a lovely champagne cocktail. Was there a name for the champagne cocktail? It's just called a classic champagne cocktail. And it's quite hard. People often don't know what you mean

when you get it in a bar. So I just kind of have them at home and, yeah, make people go to hospital. That I mean, they really are really, really strong. They're really, really strong. I was going to say, because a champagne or any sort of sparkling wine at the beginning of an evening knocks me out pretty much. I'm then done.

I'm getting a hangover while I'm drinking it. So you've added brandy to the situation and sugar, which is an issue. So then I'm off my face halfway through. I know. It's a very, very arguably predictable and quite tacky thing about. I just love champagne. I just love the taste of it. That's all right.

You've brought the Cheetos in. I know. That's fine. I've set it. I know. Thank fuck. But I just, I can't. Because a lot of people say they can only have just like a couple of glasses

at the beginning of the night. Otherwise, they have a horrible headache. I could just drink the stuff like chocolate milk. I absolutely love it. Yeah, I've always found it too full on. I can't, I get the headache before I'm even finished the first glass. Yeah. Very weak.

Yeah. You are weak. What if your mum said her and Hillary were having a bottle of champagne? A crate of champagne tomorrow, please. Cheers, Bob. Cheers. Here's to you, Hillary. We come to the dessert.

Very exciting. The headliner of the meal for a reason. It's the best. Not for me. So if I'm hungover and I want to get the £12 cheesecake slice, that's the only time I'll ever have a real hankering for sweet stuff. I haven't got that much for sweet tooth. So if I may, am I allowed to have cheese instead of pudding?

Yes. Oh, no. James has left the Zoom call. He's literally left the Zoom call. For loyal listeners, you'll know what happens when people order cheese. It's the first time it's happened on a Zoom episode, and I wondered what might happen. And he simply left the Zoom call.

This is an order that has made him scream in an elected MP's face before. Okay, we've just taken a quick pause there just to explain what happened. When Dolly picked her cheese for dessert, which is perfectly reasonable to have for a dessert, James got really angry, slams his laptop to leave the Zoom, and messed up the recording. So we've had to come to another website to record the rest of the podcast, because James ruined the whole recording by being a little angry boy and getting all pissy about cheese, didn't you make? No regrets.

Don't regret it. Stand by it. Completely stand by it. You're lucky that I bothered to reopen the laptop. I didn't throw the laptop out the window. Also, I really like when you can really cost out the price of a joke, and the cost of that physical gag, I think, was totally worth it. Yeah, and also, you call it a joke, but I think he's quite serious.

He also normally gets to shout at the guests, and he gets to get all that anger and aggression out towards the cheese. But now he's slammed the laptop, and you can still see he's seething. He's bubbling away there. Yeah. Well, I thought by slamming the laptop, I didn't have to listen to the awful chat that now has to follow, where Golly lists a bunch of disgusting cheese and biscuits that she wants instead of a delicious pudding.

But now I have to still listen to this bit. James, what's the matter? Do you feel like it's an opportunity missed? Is that what you feel? Yes, I like cheese and biscuits at a time that's appropriate, maybe even after the dessert, if people want to do that in the evening, and then coffee after that. Do you want to extend the meal with that?

I'll tolerate that. Absolutely having no dessert at all during the meal seems absolutely mad to me. I think you're mad, Dolly. What would you do if you were out with someone, and they ordered cheese instead of a pudding? Oh, I think Ed can answer that. Get really angry, even if we're in a nice restaurant like Carriage's Bar and Grill. Be absolutely incensed, call you Ebenezer Scrooge,

and then threaten to throw you into Trafalgar Square. Yep, that's exactly what I did. I tell you what, I was going to throw him into Trafalgar Square, and I did call him Ebenezer Scrooge. It was, and Benito can attest to this, the dessert menu there, we were spoiled for choice. I couldn't decide what I was going to get. I wanted to see other people have the ones that I wasn't getting,

so I could see what they were like. And then he said, cheese and biscuits, Benito say it because the look on his face, he knew he was being naughty, he knew that it was going to upset people, namely me. I could not believe that he had done it. I thought it was such a waste. I mean, very nice cheese board,

absolute perfect end to the meal, very satisfactory. Definitely not. A perfect end to the meal would have been you getting thrown into Trafalgar Square. God, this has really been an act three grenade, hasn't it? I had no idea. Whereabouts do you live, Dolly? Roughly. I'm in North London.

Long way to Trafalgar Square. Do you know what? I've got the canal right behind my house, so maybe I'll just fill my pockets with the heaviest cheese I can find and just slowly and serenely walk in, and that can be the finale to this episode. Well, I'd try that, but unfortunately I'd keep nibbling on the cheese

and I'd float right back up to the surface again. Wouldn't it? Then it is wings in the water. Absolutely delighted. Yeah, washing itself off. Perfect. Just like a little duck. Take me through what's the dream cheeses on the Dream Cheeseboard, Dolly?

So the dream cheeses for me are big chunk of really gooey gorgonzola, and then, oh, look at James just shifting around in his seat. I'm so sorry. And then a big slab of nutty, salt-crystalline comte. And then, so good. And then have you been to the fromagerie as a cheese lover? Oh, it's the, I think it's my favourite place in London. There are two fromageries, one in Islington and one in Marlborough.

And the woman who started the fromagerie invented, I think you can read the whole history about this cheese on the website, invented the truffle brie. And it's like a really ripe, stinky brie with a thin slice through it. And then she uses a contraption that fills it with truffle-infused creme fraiche. And it is so fucking good. So that sounds absolutely amazing. Truffle brie, yeah.

I love that all, all pretence has fallen away now. We, we started off with the makeshift nightclub. I know, I know. You reigned it in, you went for the Cheetos, and then it was a quick dip back into champagne, then you tried to pull it back again, and now we're at truffle brie. It's, I just thought, give them hell, give them hell. You know, I just thought grand finale.

I'll tell you where it would be a good third location for the fromagerie. They're looking for another London outlet. Nice short distance for the customers to be thrown from, aren't they? James, yeah, but you can't go into a place called the fromagerie and get angry that people are ordering cheese, can you? Oh, I can if I, if that's why I'm going there. I'm not going there to order anything, but I'm going there to get all the people. I'm going to go in there and go, hands up who's had dessert today.

Everybody keeps their hands down. They're getting thrown into a family square. Don't tell me that truffle brie doesn't sound amazing. Yeah, it does. That sounds really good. But if someone had had it instead of a pudding, I'd be angry. And what are you putting the cheese on? Are you, are you going for biscuits? Maybe a vianetta?

Yeah, I think, I think a waffle. No, I, I actually am a bit of a purist. I'm fine with just the cheese. I'm fine with just, just, I don't think I need to be weighed down by any sort of oat cakes or crackers. So I think I just have the cheese, maybe, I hate saying it, maybe a bit of quince, a bit of quince paste. I'm sorry.

I just, I hate myself. I really fucking hate myself. I don't think I realize like the depth of myself loathing until I did this podcast. So a bit of quince, quince paste, otherwise known as membrillo, or, or have you ever had cheese with, with pickled walnuts? No, I don't think I have actually. Pickled walnuts and cheese.

Is one of the most delicious combos ever. Pickled walnuts, cheese, sandwiches, so good. So maybe I'd just have a bit of quince paste on one side and then a couple of pickled walnuts on the other side. I can read your menu back to you from my memory. You would like sparkling water? Yes. You would like a squidgy white bloomer bread

with salted butter and lime pickle? Yum, yes please. For starter, you would like gazpacho with ice cubes in it. But your main course, you want a clam de bongole. Clam de bongole, yeah. Your side dish, you would like flaming hot twisted Cheetos. Your drink, you would like classic champagne cocktail and for dessert, you would like to be thrown into Trafalgar.

Yes please, yes please. Preferably buy the collo as well, just dragged. Yes, absolutely. Dolly, thank you so much. That was a great menu that ended perfectly in my correct opinion. Thank you for having me in the dream restaurant. I look forward to coming again. I will still ask you if you've been before.

Well, there we have it, another episode where you managed to be rude to a guest, James, for them. We asked people to pick their dream menu, right? And then they pick their dream menu and their dream is not good enough for you, so you get angry and you throw a strop like a big naughty boy. It's not my fault that some people don't know how to dream, Ed. It's absolutely awful.

I tell you what, if that's what their dreams are like, I'd hate it if they did a sequel of Inception and it was based on one of our awful cheese-loving guests and the whole thing was just going down layer and layer. I would do that actually. If we talk about dreams, I would do a sequel to Inception where me and my team of dream guys, we go into Dolly Alderton's dreams

and we implant the idea of eat a fucking pudding, mate. Eat an actual pudding, please. Right. Well, I'd like that because the dreams that you would go through to get there to implant that idea would be a wonderful cheese mega-land. It'd be horrible swimming in fondue and all sorts of stuff. I would not appreciate it. It's a shame because you and Dolly

were on the same page with the potatoes. Absolutely. Yeah, we started off on the same team and you were a man alone and then at the end, everyone turned on me. Yeah, bye-bye, James. So, you can get Dolly's book Ghosts, which I would highly recommend. That comes out tomorrow on October 15th.

You can listen to her podcast, The High Low, with Pandora Sykes. That is available wherever you listen to your podcasts. Also, I'll tell you what is annoying. The secret ingredient was modeling chocolate and she didn't pick it, but I'll have more respect if she had. That would have been a better dessert for you, would it? Yeah, absolutely. Modeling chocolate.

Even if you want, this is a compromise. Get the modeling chocolate and shape it until it looks like cheese and biscuits, if you like. You know what I'd prefer? Modeling brie. A big stag made a brie. Yes. Oh, no. Not the brie stag again. I can't listen to this. Every week, he talks to me about this in private.

Yeah, my brie stag, Riff. So, that was an absolutely delicious menu. I think you'll find. Thank you very much for listening. We'll see you again sometime soon in the Dream Restaurant. Goodbye. Farewell. Hello, I'm your dad's friend, Lou Sanders, and I've launched a new podcast called Cuddle Club.

It's better than it sounds, actually. I talked to a special guest about cuddling. Mmm, there's not another podcast on cuddling, I thought to myself. Guests include Katherine Ryan, Rich Dozman and Alan Davies. It's a perfect gift to yourself or to loved ones, because it's actually free to download. I'd love you to listen,

but you're going to be the loser if you don't. It's worth reminding you that there's no other podcast about cuddling. This business gone crazy. It's available on Apple Podcasts. Of course it is. Acast, yes. Spotify, wherever you get your podcast, subscribe now, please.

Don't be a absolute dick piece. Hello, it's me, Amy Gladhill. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato, and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith.

I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case... Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here, sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North,

because, look, we're two Northerners, sure, but we've been living in London for a long time. The news stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News we'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on.

Get Glittle's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.