Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 79: Wyatt Cenac

Episode Date: October 21, 2020

NY stand-up and writer Wyatt ‘Uncle Wy Wy’ Cenac joins us in the dream restaurant this week. And there's a whole fuffle over the Bake Off piss-window.Follow Wyatt Cenac on Instagram and Twitter: @wyattcenacWatch Wyatt Cenac’s Netflix special ‘Brooklyn’ on NetflixRecorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive Productions.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? If you froth up this podcast, you can actually turn it into a podocino. Lovely stuff. Yeah. Well done. Don't just look at me like there was more than that. That was perfect. No, no, no. I was still laughing because before that, you tried to do the outro before the intro. Oh. And then told Bonito that he was wasting tape. What do you think? He's not recording on tape. Yeah, but think of memory, mate. Memory. Basically, I'm trying to work with professionals. Yeah. Unfortunately, there's no professionals in this area. No, no. You've

got little Bonito and me who... Well, you don't know what's going on half the time. No. You literally, I'm surprised you brought any pants with you to New York. Yep, fair enough. The amount of times yesterday, we had to tell you to bring photo ID and then send you back again for your photo ID. Yes. Also, you don't know I have got pants. You haven't seen any proof yet. Good point, actually. You brought trousers, though. We're in America, so pants mean as trousers. That's true. So catch 22. Well, anyway, welcome to the Off Menu podcast. That's James A. Caster with no pants. I'm Ed Gamble. I'm wearing two pairs of pants. Yeah. Double Dutch. Double Dutch. Well done, man. Welcome to the Off Menu podcast.

What do we do on this, James? We're going to ask a guest, their favorite ever starter main course dessert, side dish and drink. Yes. And the special guest this week is Wyatt Sinnak. Wyatt Sinnak, a wonderful comedian, writer. He hosts a show on HBO called Wyatt Sinnak's Problem Areas. He's got a brilliant special called Brooklyn on Netflix. We're giving him all these plugs already, which is dangerous because we've not had him into the restaurant yet, so we don't know if he said the secret ingredient or not. That is true. And secret ingredient this week is something that I've grown tired of. I used to like it, but now I'm really bored of it. Edda Marmay beans. Edda Marmay beans. I've always

been bored of them. Even the first time I had them, I was immediately bored of them. Yeah, I thought, oh, this is nice, nice little, new little flavor. I kind of like this. And now I'm like, oh man, this is a, what, what, an absolute effort. I hate sucking them out of the pods. It makes me think the chef's lazy. Yeah. Yeah, well, I don't like the pod. I don't like it when they're in the pods, but weirdly, I hate them even more than out the pods. Yeah, slimy little things. Yeah. It makes me feel like I'm eating the peas from Toy Story when they're in the pod. Yeah, yeah. Little happy peas. Little happy peas. Yeah. Feel bad about that. Yeah. That's very specific reason not to like them, but yes.

I also hate it when they put like chili and garlic salt on them, but they're in the pods. And then all the flavors just on the outside and you throw all the flavor away. Yeah, may as well suck the pod. It turns out I've got loads of issues with it. Loads of issues. So Wyatt, if you choose them, you're out. You're out, baby. Out. Bad luck, Wyatt. But fingers crossed you don't because you're very funny. Wyatt was on an album I really like called The Life and Death of scenery by Mr. Liff and Laurence. And what year was that released? 2016. Of course. Here's the off menu menu of Wyatt's Enac. Well welcome, Wyatt, to the dream restaurant. Thank you very much for having me. Oh, welcome

Wyatt. See now to the dream restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. Oh, well thank you. That's a real greeting. I have an amuse-bouche for you to start. Oh, should we explain that you're a genie before you offer the amuse-bouche? I know the amuse-bouche is a great new idea. Wyatt knew I was a genie, right? When you got to me. I just knew you were excited to see me. There was an excitement level that you had that I was really struck by. And so I was like, oh, you know, when two people greet you and one's like, hey, how are you? And the other one's like, you're just going to be drawn. Yeah, I mean, but he's, you know, that's not a power I have in my locker, you know, as a non-genie. Sure.

I don't have the powers. Sure, I get that. But like you're in New York right now. And I don't know if you've been to, there's a restaurant in New York. It may still be around called Ninja. And at Ninja, all the servers dressed like ninjas. And when you walk into the restaurant, you are greeted by a ninja who jumps out of the shadows. And so while, you know, you may not have the ability to kind of appear in a smoke cloud as a genie. There's nothing stopping you from putting on a ninja outfit and just jumping out and throwing a toasted sesame throwing star at me straight into your mouth. Yeah. Just right in my mouth. Oh, okay. I'll have three more of those. Okay. Well, next, next time I'm

going to dress as a ninja at some point during the meal, I'm going to go back to the kitchen and I'm going, but I'm not going to tell you what I'm coming back and I'll be dressed as a ninja. Yeah. No, as a ninja, you shouldn't tell me that you've left or that you show up. Ninjas don't announce themselves. Genies do. Yeah. Absolutely. There's a lot more fanfare with a genie than a ninja. Yeah. Yeah. And a ninja, but a ninja is like a pleasant surprise. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, sometimes depends. Yeah, depends what the ninjas you get on the long side of a ninja. I still think it's a pleasant surprise that we're quite happy. I think you're, if you're on the wrong side of a ninja, you're somebody who you know death

is coming for you. And, you know, the way that it comes, I feel like a ninja. You're probably like, Oh, this is nice. I was expecting maybe I would get into my cutless car and like turn it on and it explode. Yeah. It's like, no, it's not that. It's a delightful ninja who just showed up out of a ceiling vent. Yeah. So just before you die, your last thought is, Oh, a ninja. Yeah. Yeah. Done. Yeah. You're kind of like, didn't expect it this and that's it. Okay. Well, I'll be a ninja at some point, but we have a genie here right now. Yes. I mean, as a genie, you do have the ability to make him a ninja at any point. Yeah, I could do, but actually I'm more of a food genie. I'm all just get you whatever food you want. Sure. Any

time in your life. I would drain my powers by turning it into a ninja. You go hungry. That seems fair. I appreciate that. Thank you. I'll just have to go and hire the costume at some point. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. Anyway, Amusebush is a Coke Zero. Oh, Coke Zero for you? I gotta be honest. I'm not much of a soda drinker. So right now I feel a certain amount of pressure that I have to drink it because it was gifted to me, which always feels like the strange thing of Amusebush. They present it to you as like, Oh, here's a little gift for you, but it's a gift I didn't ask for. Sure. It's like when a cat brings like a dead mouse and just leaves it at your feet and you're like, thank you, but, you know, no, just, you know, a cat, take it,

wrap it up in newspaper. When I'm not around, figure out how to open the trash can and just throw that dead mouse in there. That would be more impressive. That would be a better gift. That would. And in a similar way with this Amusebush of a Coke Zero, if you were to wrap it in newspaper and just quietly throw it away, I'd be okay with that. I could do that for you. If you'd like that, if that makes you happy. Yeah. If you could leave the glassware, but pour the Coke Zero into like a newspaper kind of cone and then make sure none of it leaks because you don't want, you don't want to attract bugs into this. Absolutely. Yeah. And then just toss it, quietly toss it away. Okay. Done and done. Happen to do it, actually. That's really

what the Amusebush is about. It's about making why it feel happy before we have the meal. Yeah. And then that's, that's all I care about. So you're not, you're not really a soda drinker. Are you quite healthy before we started recording? You let us know that you had a pocket, a pocket full of almonds. Yeah. Yes. You turned down a cake truffle, which is possibly the most unhealthy little thing we could offer any guest. Sure. Well, thank you. I have a pocket full of almonds. A fuffle is more unhealthy. A fuffle. What's a fuffle? I had a fuffle this morning, I had a bite of a fuffle because I was feeling really tired. So a bit jet lagged and stuff. And I really wanted, I thought I can't be, you know, I had to have something with high sugar

content. Let's just say a fuffle, it ain't fudge, but it ain't a truffle. Oh, it's like a mixture of the two. Oh, it's like a fudge truffle. And this one was like mocha flavors. I had some coffee in there. So I thought I'd have a bite of it. They're insane, Wyatt. They're insane. Are they more fudge than truffle? It really is directly in the middle. Well, given the good balance of the words. Well, that's why I was wondering, because it could be a fuffle or it could be a trudge. A trudge. And they chose fuffle, which definitely sounds a little more like playful. Fun than a trudge. Yeah. But a trudge, I mean, you're going to get that sugar high, and then you will sort of trudge through the day until you get yourself some coffee, which is where I would call it a

trudge. Just call it what it is. It starts as a fuffle and then it becomes a trudge. Yeah. Absolutely. Heading for a trudge if you eat a fuffle. Yeah. You were headed for a sugar trudge. Yeah. If you have any fuffle. I got given it for Christmas. My sister bought it from a man at like a food market. He was just selling fuffles. That was all he was selling. Really? Had a stall full of fuffles. Oh, wow. And she said he was a very nice man and a very good salesman. Sure. She bought a lot of them off of him. I feel like you have to be a good salesman if you're presenting people with a fuffle and that's the only thing you're presenting them with. You've already gone all in on the fuffle. Yeah. You put all your eggs in one fuffle.

It feels like, that's, you're really hoping to, because I feel like a lot of people are going to walk by that and they're like, oh, well, maybe I was going to get some cookies or maybe I was going to get, you know, a scone or whatever. And then here's this one person who's just got a stall where they're like, hey, come get a fuffle. And you're like, well, I was really coming for cookies. And I was like, eh, you know what? Cookies are, those are so last year. Yeah, fuffle is what. And it's like, well, what's a fuffle? Well, I'm glad you asked. And you're not the first person to ask this. I've gotten very good at answering what a fuffle is. Also, if anyone should bring up the idea that a fuffle might also be a trudge, ignore them. They're lying to you.

Just get this fuffle. Well, I mean, I would say the fuffle as well is too big. I had a bite and left it because I don't, I don't think. How big was the size of a truffle? A normal kind of chocolate bar. Like it's big. Oh, that's like, it's a proper, yeah. I mean, I don't know who's eating a whole, well, actually, I don't know who's eating a whole one at once. Me, the first time I had one. But that was a mistake. Right. Because then you slept the rest of the day. Yeah, that was it. It's better. They should have called it a kuffle. Yeah. It's about a marketing ploy, I think. It turns out that, yeah, it is a kuffle if you're trying to eat the whole thing. Definitely if you're lactose intolerant, it's going to be a real kuffle with your bowels in the toilet.

That's it. That's been a slogan. Yeah. Yeah. If you're lactose intolerant, this will be a really kuffle with your bowels in the toilet. Yeah. Yeah. But also, enjoy this fuffle when it becomes a trudge. Yeah. I'm glad you added in the toilet there. Yeah. Yeah. Your bowels in the toilet. I mean, that's the hope. You sometimes need to give people those clues that, hey, if you're lactose intolerant and you eat something that's probably not good for you, don't just shit your pants. Yeah. Sometimes those warning labels, it's great that they're on cigarettes. They should be on other things too. Like this could cause you to shit your pants. Yeah. Yeah. Like a stock photo of someone on the toilet. Yeah. Yeah. That's all

right. Because yeah, I guess now we have on cigarettes, we have the photos, but we didn't have those for a long time. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, someone just having just a wretched shit. Like feet kind of in the air and just a strained expression as, you know, they're just, you see them looking at like a photo album and crying because they think this will kill them. And they're just like, let me relive the good days. That's, yeah, I'd be for that. Yeah. Yeah. Pocket of almonds, however, doesn't have any such, yeah, there's no, there's no such warning label. It's just, remember which pocket the almonds are in. So you don't wind up eating your keys. Yeah. They get a picture of a guy with a like blading mouth. Yeah. Yeah. Just keys for

teeth. Yeah. Looking at photos of his family. We always thought there's still a spark in water. I will do still. I like water the way that Mother Nature intended it. Sure. Yeah. You don't want to mankind mess with it. I don't want science coming in and ruining my good water. Yeah. So sparkling water is too futuristic for you. It's way too futuristic for me. No, it's just, it's science at its worst. Why were you genetically modifying water? You know, we talk about genetically modified food. We have not talked about how sparkling water is the GMO of water. We're all just taking it for granted, just letting it slide. Yeah. And all those, those Perriers, they are just happy to let us be stupidly blind, drinking our fizzy water.

Do you think that's what's going to get us in the end, the human race? Just we're going to be so full of gas that when the robots attack. Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, because robots don't have gas. Yeah, no, they're, yeah, that's, that's going to, we're going to be bloated. They're going to just squeeze our bellies and it's just going to give us weird stomach aches and then, you know, we'll just be on the ground and then they'll step on our heads. You know about this kind of stuff. You know about like, you know, the future and how messed up it's going to be. I've got an album by Mr. Lyft where you do the, a little narration for it all the way through and it's a very grim version of the future. Yeah. Well, I'm a bit of a futurist and a grim futurist. Yeah, I don't really want to get

into happy futures and more, oh yeah, what's the grim future? Because the future on that album is what people aren't allowed to listen to music or whistle. I believe so. It was, I gotta be honest, it's been a minute since I recorded that. Fair enough. And I, we didn't even have the luxury of recording it in a, in a, in a booth. We did it over the phone while I sat in my closet, my clothes closet. That's how music gets made. That's how, that's how your favorite songs get made next to slacks. Oh, I love that in my head now. When I listened to it, he was sat in his closet. If you knew that the, you know, there's gonna be a takeover in the future, like what, what group would you fear the most? Would it be robots that would take over the world?

Or is it like aliens or zombies? Zombies. I feel like we will, we'll just become more apathetic as the future goes on, where we just kind of become slugs and lazily just, it'll just, it won't even be full robots. We're just too lazy where escalators take us out. We're just gonna become lemmings that are just sort of taken out by escalators. No one talks about the proud history of the lemming. There was a time when the lemming ruled this planet with an iron fist and then they just got so lazy and they now are just like, hey, there's a cliff, let's all go. And I think that's, that to me, that's the grim future that I see is that we become lemmings and maybe even we just follow a lemming and the lemming just takes us out.

So we just lie down on, everyone lies down on the escalator and they all get sucked into it. Yeah, they all just get kind of just, just chewed up and we just become some sort of escalator slurry. And, and you know, then the sort of the ooze of all of that just becomes a slippery sort of delivery system for the rest of us to get chewed up into the escalator. It just becomes like a slip and slide that just sends the rest of us. And then that's how we all get taken out. Oh, we'll all become fuffles. Yeah. Yeah. The consistency of a fuffle. Popped up some bread. Popped up some bread, Wyatt. Popped up some bread. Bread. Straight away, bread. Nice. Yeah. Also, I shouted that as you were sipping the water.

Just call it a cucumber. Yeah. It shot some guests. Didn't panic. No, very calm about the whole thing. If I had a fizzy water, maybe, yeah. Yeah, I could have got you. Yeah, I would have had the chemical imbalance that makes me a little more skittish. What sort of bread would you like? I'd like a soda bread. Okay. Yeah. I'd like a soda bread. A nice, warm, freshly baked soda bread where they do it, they give you like in the, in the sort of cast iron, like they give you your own bread. I feel like I'd go, I'd go for that. I almost set a cornbread. I love a cornbread, but I feel like I want to go with a, I want to go with an Irish soda bread because I had one once in Canada of all places.

And I thought it was, I thought it was very delicious and I never had it in the United States. What was the name of the place you went to to get it in Canada? The place was a restaurant in Toronto called Union. And it's on Ossington Street for or all of your Canadian listeners who are like, we want soda bread. We need that soda bread. That sounds amazing. Yeah. Have you all indulged in soda bread? Yeah. Oh yeah. I've had soda bread. I don't think I've ever had it warm in its own little tin before, which I think I'd enjoy that experience to know that something was baked just for me.

Yeah. That's what was really nice. They would just bake them. I don't know if they just had like a conveyor belt that was just running them into an oven, but it was just like, oh yeah, here's your own thing of bread, fresh baked. And I guess it cooks a little quicker so they can do that, but they're just baking bread for everybody. It's like an amuse-bouche of bread, which you approve of in this situation. Yeah. If you give me nice warm bread with some butter, oh, and if it's a little salted butter, that's real nice. So you don't need us to wrap up the bread and put it in a cone and throw it away? Yeah. No, no. I mean, if I don't eat all of it, then perhaps do that. That would be nice.

That's the thing about being given your own little bread is you know that at no point was that given to someone else and they didn't finish it and then it's being presented to you again. Exactly. Unless like half of it's gone. It seems like the restaurant is then sending you a message. Yeah. How they value you. Yeah. There's a big bite taken out of it. Yeah. And they're like, yeah, enjoy this. You'll be fine. You don't need a whole thing of bread. Look at you. Tons of fun. Wait a minute. I don't know that I, I don't know. I like the service. And they're like, oh, you don't know you like this service? You're mocking me. Oh, no, I'm begging you. You're going to eat spaghetti. And it's like I didn't even want spaghetti.

And that's not what this restaurant's known for. I think even if a server did do all of that to me, I'd still eat the bread. And that would be the most disappointing thing about the whole experience. You'd still eat it. I'd still eat the spaghetti. I'd eat the spaghetti. Bring it all over. Yeah. If a waiter said to him, you're going to eat spaghetti. He'd be like, yeah. Okay. I'm sorry. Yeah. That's, I mean, there is something with like weights, weight staff where you do feel a certain like, I don't want to piss this person off because they might piss in my food. Yeah. It's the ultimate. Yeah. Difficult to piss in bread. It's easy to spot if someone's pissed on your bread, unless they're going into the dough before

they bake it. See, that's a smart way of thinking. Into the dough before, oh yeah. Okay. I get what you mean. Yeah. When you sit into the dough before they bake it, I thought you meant like a man was going to insert his penis into the dough and then piss while his penis is in the dough and then remove his... Well, that would be crazy. There's no point in doing that. Yeah. That would be adding a step that then you have to wash all the dough off your penis. You might as well just piss into the pot. Yeah. Into the pot of dough. But is that how it works when you're making bread? Is there a pot of dough? I mean, I think there's like a bowl when you need it. Yeah. I mean, I've watched Great British Bake Off. Yeah. I feel like there's a point

watching that show that if you want to piss in something, you can. I do think they've given a window. Every challenge, there is a piss window. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it's really just up to you if you take advantage of it. Yeah. You know, and that's... And I think even if you... If you took advantage of the piss window, it raises a good question. If you take advantage of the piss window, take full advantage, you make something, it's obviously not going to be good. Does it still qualify for a Hollywood handshake? Because he respects that you took advantage of the time window. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like not everyone's going to do that. And there's still a creativity that's worth sort of saying, you know what? I respect your craftsmanship.

Yeah. It can shake something Hollywood. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, if he pisses into... Yeah, sure. The ultimate handshake. Yeah. There you go. Yeah. I think we've just guaranteed that none of us will ever... You can't eat anything from there now because you're worried about the piss window. The Golden Hollywood handshake. Yeah. Here's a question, though. I said I would be worried about a server pissing in my food. Sure. I feel like everyone, or not everyone, I don't want to assume everyone, but I feel like people definitely have a neuroses around. I don't want to... I don't want to anger a server because they might do something to my food. Yes. Is piss what first comes to mind for you all? Spit. Spit. Okay. I think spit is

probably the easiest way of them doing it, right? And I wouldn't do this usually, but I'm going to go ahead and apply that to everyone on the planet besides you. Okay. All right. Okay. I would say most people think that they were going to spit into my food. I would not suspect they were pissing it. I think there's a... Well, what color is your parachute kind of thing for that? That's like, oh, all right. What does it say about you if you're the person who says spit or if you're the person who says piss or shit? Yeah. Yeah. That's that. That's true. Yeah. Yeah, Wank as well. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's a scene in Fight Club where he's working as a waiter and he pisses in a big vat of soup. Oh, yes. So I was thinking about that as well. All right.

So I had piss on the brain as well when we were talking about his food. Okay. Yeah. Tony Darden does that? Yeah. Yeah. But it also sounds like no offense, but it sounds like you and I may be a special select group of people. Yes. Yeah. We aren't the lemmings. No. That just go, oh, this waiter's going to spit in our food. Yeah. You and I are more prepared for the future. Yeah. Where you're already being lemmined. I'm already halfway down the escalator. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You and I may still have time to just step to the side of the weird blood and guts slip conveyor that would send us into the waiting teeth of the escalator monster. Because we've got our eyes open and we can see that people could piss in our food.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm gulping down the piss. Yeah. And you're just going into what I think in the future we'll just know as the up, up, down, down monster. Yeah. So we come to your starter. Sure. Right. Yeah. Right. That's right. We've been, I mean, this has given me enough time to eat this bread and yeah, I'm hungry again. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So your dream starter. You know, I, I'll be honest, I like, I like oysters. Those I feel like are a nice, I'm, I'm doing a classy meal here. It's, I feel like, yeah, I do some nice East Coast oysters with, you know, just a little, the little Minionettes of horseradish and whatever cocktail sauce and yeah, that's just a half dozen. Yeah. Why East Coast? Can you taste the difference between the

coasts? East Coast, West Coast. Is there, is there a long running feud between the oysters? There is an East Coast, West Coast beef. Yeah. People talk about the East Coast, West Coast beef of the nineties with hip hop. It started over oysters. That's the thing people don't realize is that Tupac was more of a Kumamoto oyster guy. He likes his oysters from Washington state. You know, a lot of the artists on death row at the time, they were really big into those kushi and all your sort of West Coast oysters. Whereas on the East Coast, you know, there were a lot of folks that they love the sort of Massachusetts, New York, you know, your St. Simone's, your, your oysters from Prince Edward Island, all those wonderful, those oysters tend

to be a lot brainier, saltier. Whereas the West Coast oysters and the West Coast would be offended to hear this. The roasters tend to be plump. They're not as briny. They're kind of like chewy and creamy. It's more of like a chewable oyster, which I'm not as into. And then we're not even talk about, you know, the influence of the dirty South and the oysters, talking your East Beach blondes from Virginia. Yeah. There's a whole world of oysters. I tend to go for the East Coast oyster. I would not risk any oyster that was presented to me as being from the dirty South. No, no, no. Well, that's not a nice way of phrasing that. Well, the interesting thing, and I learned this from a chef at a restaurant who was talking to me about oysters one day.

He was saying oysters that are from like the South, whenever people get sick from oysters, a lot of times they are the Southern oysters. Like when there's some kind of like oyster pandemic, it tends to be the Southern oysters because the water's warmer. And so like bacteria or whatever can grow and kind of like cultivate in that warmer water and live in the oysters. So he was saying more often than not, if you're going to get oysters, go further north where the water's colder and it kills off all that stuff. So in that way, yeah, the dirty South, great for wrap, not as great for oysters. Sure. Yeah. You're taking your life into your own hands. There's never been a bright outcast. I've never made anyone ill. No, no. As far as I know. No.

I think they once angered the family of Rosa Parks. That's about it. Yeah. But just from calling a song Rosa Parks. Yeah, that was it. That was it. Yeah. They're a very, they don't like anyone saying her name other than family members. Really? Yeah. They actually got mad at me for saying her name. Oh, well, I'm covering this territory again. Now that I'm thinking about it. Yeah. Now that I'm remembering, I just want everyone to notice that neither me or James have said her name. So yeah, no, that's we're staying well out of this. Yeah. I think one of one of her relatives got angry at me for and wrote me an angry note on Facebook for making a joke about Rosa Parks. I can't remember what I think I'd made like two prior to that in like standup specials. And then,

oh, I think I remember it was just like some dumb comment about, I think it was like a tweet that had also been posted to Facebook. It had something to do with being bad about like placing where I placed commas and not following the rules of commas and just suggesting that I would Rosa Park commas wherever I felt as opposed to be relegated to put them where I am told to put them. Yeah. And it was a dumb comment. I'm not going to say it was my best work, which I would understand if her family was like, Hey, not your best joke. But they instead were like, keep my aunt's name out of your mouth. And then I felt like, you know what, I'm going to say no to that because I think it's what your aunt would have

wanted. She wouldn't have wanted me to follow this rule. Is the podcast going to be closed down now, Ed? By Rosa Parks. Oh, I'd said it. Oh, no, I'm with you now, Wyatt. Or this could be, this could be just the press you need. Yeah. You've got yourself a feud. There's no, I mean, we've come to America for the first time to interview American guests, and we're going to launch ourselves onto the American market by angering the family of Rosa Parks. That's not the purse. I mean, if we're going to have a feud, I really don't think they're the best people to have a feud with. It's not going to make us look good. People going to take sides before they even know what it's about. Sure. But you've also come to America

at a very volatile time in race relations where this could get you a whole new slew of listeners that you never thought you'd have or wanted to have. Or crossing their fingers at the main course is a golden steak every time. Absolutely. Which actually, talk to the main courses, we should get onto your main course, Wyatt. Oh, I don't get like a salad or was that like a... Well, yeah, I just started out of the oysters. I thought that was like appetizer, but then you still get like a starter salad, like a super salad. You have a salad as well? Yeah. No, no, that's fine. I know what you feel like. No, no, it's your restaurant. It's apparently not my dream. Yeah. If only I knew someone who had a dream.

Well, yeah, phone a salad. Phone a little salad? You know what? I don't want salad. No salad. Straight to the main course. Let's go to the main course. Let's... You know what? Actually, no, I should have a salad. I'll have a little... No, no, screw it. I don't want a salad. I don't want a salad after that. I feel like... Yeah, I feel too much pressure. Let's go to the main course. To be honest, that's nice. We've seen like that. Basically, everyone's in a monologue when thinking about having a salad anyway. Yeah. Is this back and forth between no and yes for quite some time? All I'm going to say is if you insist on the salad now, it's going to be full of genie piss. Then I'm going to say no to the

salad. I'm going to say... I feel like my genie piss. No, I don't. No, I don't. You know what? Does it grant other wishes? Piss wishes. Piss. Oh, I mean, that could be good if you've got like a kidney stone that you need to pass. Sure. Just piss wishes. Yeah, that could be very helpful if you're like, oh, I would love to pass this kidney stone in a way that's perhaps not painful to me. So, I would probably wish for all my piss to be like Dr. Pepper from now on. Really? If I had a piss wish and my wish had to be to do a piss, I would say please don't always just piss like any soft drink I want every time. Well, okay. Here's a controversial piss from me. I would wish to never piss again and not to have to. Not that I'd just be full of piss the whole time. But then

it would just like magically like transport itself out of your body. It could save like, you know, a decent amount of time a day. Yeah. You'd have to like specify because as a genie, I can tell you with wishes, you need to be very clear. Yeah. Because if you just say, I just wish I never piss again, and not that my body gets full of piss, but I'd still be like, right, well, I've got to get rid of it somehow. So, I'd like have it like steam out of your butt or something. Right. Yeah. As if I smell like piss. There's always a monkey's paw aspect of this. I'd be totally fine with steaming piss out of my butt. Okay. I mean, that's going to leave your pants kind of, you're going to have steam one, just like a cloud of steam coming out of your butt.

But then you're going to have a moisture patch, whatever that happens. That's true. I'm going to have wet, wet pants. Yeah. I mean, here I, we just have to go back to pissing Dr. Pepper. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry about that. Yeah. I want to come back to this, but I want to come back to steam piss. I just had to get it out. I had to get it out. Yeah. But there's an element of pissing Dr. Pepper. I have multiple questions. My first question, are you pissing it so you can drink it and repiss it? My second question, are you pissing it so then you could go on the roofs of buildings and piss it down to children and just passerbys that are to just kind of win them over to the great

taste of Dr. Pepper? Three is it, it could be like a kink thing where you're just hoping to bring that into the bedroom. My fourth question, if you're pissing Dr. Pepper, have you taken into account all of the ingredients that are in Dr. Pepper that are going to have to pass out of your body as you piss them things like citric acid that are basically going out of, you know, what are essentially your insides, which if I were to like cut you and pour Dr. Pepper into your wound, I feel like it might sting a lot. So have you taken into account, if you're pissing Dr. Pepper, is it really stingy and painful every time you piss, but the reward is you get a glass of Dr. Pepper. So it's this weird Sisyphean sort of boulder that you are pushing

up and being crushed by over and over again. Okay, so the answer to all four of your questions. Yes, yes, no, and that hadn't occurred. All right, cool. I would drink it. I would let other people drink it. I wouldn't have it as a kink and I didn't think about how much it would possibly hurt me. Yeah, yeah. Okay, good. I'm happy with all those answers. Thank you very much. We need to do the main course now. Yes. But I got one more follow up. Sorry. The defense doesn't rest yet. Are you, since no one else in the world theoretically has the ability to piss Dr. Pepper, are you just walking around saying, you know, just like, let's say on your flight, are you sitting next to the person who's, you know, next to you on the plane and are you

leaning over and saying, Hey, do you like Dr. Pepper? Because I can piss it. And I would love to piss you a glass of Dr. Pepper. Like if you even if you don't have a glass, if you have that newspaper, if you roll it up into a cone, I can piss in it and you can drink it. Um, I don't think I would. I think if I have a can of Dr. Pepper normally in real life now, you get to know someone first. I don't even say, would you like some of this? So doubly, sorry, if I was pissing it, I think I'd have to get to know people and then eventually they would have to trust me enough that they would think he's not tricking me. Right. Because if I had someone else say to me, I can piss Dr. Pepper, would you like a glass? I'd be like, I'm not an

idiot. I'm not going to drink what it's going to be a glass of actual piss. Right. But once I got to know like, I've known Ed for a while now, if he said to me, I've got something to tell you, I can piss Dr. Pepper, would you like a glass of it? I'd be like, yeah, actually. Yeah, yeah, I trust it. He wouldn't lie to me and trick me. But how offended would you be if you have this great gift and no one wants it? Yeah. Because that would the element of it coming out of your penis would put me off. Yep. I'd be like, I can just go and buy a can of Dr. Pepper. Sure. I think I would understand. I think I would have to understand that people don't want my penis pepper. Would you though? Would you really? I mean, I'm just saying like, you're making this podcast

right now. Yeah. You're making this podcast and it's something that is, it is the magical thing that you create right now. It is your Dr. Pepper piss. And if no one listened, if no one engaged with it, but yet you made show after show after show. Yes. Would it, would it eventually get to you? Of course it would. Yes. But I wouldn't be like, with this podcast, I wouldn't be like, no, I get it. I mean, the podcast comes out of our dicks. You know, like, I think, I'll be like, why are people like this? This is a great thing. But with the Dr. Pepper piss, I'd be like, I get that element of it isn't attractive. It's double check. Does it come out cold? Yes. Okay. Good. That's also main, main course. Why?

Yeah. Sorry. I, here's the thing. I can go on tangents. Main course. All right. I would say main course. I feel like I've, I've had, you know, some oysters that always goes well with oysters is a good, you know, a good steak and some sides. I could also see, you know, going with like a nice roti with curry chicken or curry goat, which was one of those things that when I was a kid, you know, getting to eat and really enjoying, and I really like, I don't know if that goes, if that pairs well with oysters though. Well, I mean, it doesn't, if you don't mind it not pairing, you know, we're certainly not going to stop you having something that doesn't traditionally pair from the outside. If you just

fancy eating that, that's fine by us. Yeah. What about if I, if I took both of those things and kind of married them into one thing. So if I had like a steak, like a really nice, you know, prime rib or something like that or a porter house, but had that curried and put into a roti. Sounds amazing. I do. I, I do one of those. Yeah. And you can totally do that. It's the dream restaurant. I think that's completely fine. Like a medium rare. So it has to, it has to both be stewed in the curry, but still remain medium rare. So it's not tough yet. So it's almost like you have to kind of like take the, the sort of outer ring of meat and that'll stew and get all nice and tender,

but then you still have some, you know, rarer part, like center, you've got pink center on, on the, on the steak there. Throw in some raw meat just right at the end. Oh, that's, yeah. Yeah. That's one way to do it. Yeah. That's one way. Yeah. If you are having that, like a dish that you've just invented, right? So you just invented this dish, which is nice. What, what side are you having with that? How are you complimenting that with a side dish? Well, making up the side dish as well. If I'm going to do any side dish with that, I guess, it's already got some potatoes in it. So I've got my starch there, maybe to get some greens since I didn't get a salad.

Still angry about that? Well, I'm not going to think any, I'm not going to think any dream restaurant salad is covered in genie piss. So that's going to be a problem for me. So yeah. So if I'm going to do a side, maybe I do get some greens there. Maybe, maybe I do. I, I'm a late adopter to the world of Brussels sprouts, but I, I've, I've had really good ones where they cook them with like bacon and then they will sometimes put like, they'll look like quarter of them or so they're, you don't have like a whole bulb of Brussels sprout, but they like cook it with bacon. And then they'll put this one restaurant that isn't around anymore called rye. Uh, the chef would do it like that. And then he put some cheese with it as well. So

it had like a nice kind of like cheesy America's nailed Brussels sprouts in a way that I don't think we have in the UK and basically treat them like a meat. Yeah. Put some bacon in it. Yeah. Yeah. Treat them like a meat baby. Your favorite drink. I think we already know what your drink's going to be. I mean, I'm going to have some water, but I can have some alcohol. Yeah. Yeah. This isn't a dry restaurant. I thought you sold the idea with the Dr. Pepper. No, no, no, no, I'm still not, I'm still not on board for that. I appreciate that you keep pushing it. But seriously, put your dick away. Yeah, please. Yeah. This is not, I, you know, customers always right. What's the worst that can happen? You're going to get canceled. Put your dick away.

Yeah. So if I'm having this meal, I'd like to have a drink to go with my water, you know, a friend for my water. Yeah. Maybe I'd go with an old fashioned. Also, depending on the weather, I love a good mint julep. It's a nice, I like a whiskey drink that has a little bit of sweetness to it, but some bite, but a mint julep. Yeah. It's nice. So you got a little mint there. It helps. I like to think it helps digest the food. Sometimes they say, if you want to digest or if you got a stomach ache, you eat a mint leaf. I think drinking it may be a faster delivery system. Yeah. But then you're not supposed to swallow toothpaste. You're not. No. I don't think there's fresh mint in that. No. I mean. Do you think there's fresh

mint in toothpaste? Never harsh truth learned about the world. Oh, wow. I'm sorry that this is how you had to learn. I thought that's why, you know, you eat a meal and then you brush your teeth and you swallow all the toothpaste and digest it. No, sorry. I think a whiskey cocktail that's slightly sweet is a very good way of drinking whiskey earlier in the day and evening without feeling like an alcoholic. Yes. Because straight whiskey, you really feel like something's going wrong if you're drinking it earlier in the day. Yeah. If it's four o'clock and you've poured yourself a glass of scotch. Yeah. Hopefully somebody died. Yeah. It's the only excuse. Yeah. And you can't just say, well, somebody died somewhere. Yeah. Sure. That's not good enough.

Yeah. There's that saying like, oh, it's five o'clock somewhere. It's RIP somewhere. Yeah. Don't do that to somehow enable yourself to drink whiskey before an acceptable hour. Yeah. Trust me, someone just died. Well, and when you say it like that, that's probably not the best. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Although now I'm also, you've just reminded me if I can go on a very quick other tangent. Of course. Just want to, want to, Uncle YY's weird little tangents. The tangent has to end with you saying to desert. It'll, I'll get to the desert. Yeah. You have to do the whole thing and then at the edge, just say it. Just seem to sneak out to the desert. Yeah. Yeah. I did in Los Angeles. And when you get there, you'll learn this. They,

two things about LA. Drinking, it stops at two AM, but also you can sell alcohol at grocery stores and not just beer, but you can sell hard alcohol. And I remember when I lived there, there was a woman in line in the grocery store at like 1.59 in the morning with a giant bottle of Jack Daniels and a big, like one of the big leader things of Coke. And the clerk was like, I'm, I'm sorry. It's two o'clock. I can't sell this to you. And the woman was very angry and like, looked like she'd just gotten out of a nightclub and was just kind of like, come on, just sell it to me. And was trying everything. And finally, as a last ditch was like, please, a friend of mine just died. And there was a part of me that was like, Oh, what a interesting play. But also

I liked the idea that a friend of yours just died and you were so upset about it that you didn't just buy whiskey. You bought soda to mix it. You're making mixers right now to like mourn your, the loss of your friend. So yeah, I, so that was very interesting to me, cinnamon rolls. Cinnamon rolls. Cinnamon rolls, delicious. Yeah, really delicious. They're wonderful. And you got all the, all the goo in them. Yeah, not, not, it's not like, I don't like when people put like whatever walnuts or whatever they put in there, just a, yeah, just a nice, if you're making, if you're fresh bacon bread for people at the start of the meal, my guess is you will fresh bake the hell out of a cinnamon roll. We'll put them in individual little pans for you as

well. Yeah, I would hope so. Yeah. Not a, not a, not a ton of icing. Like it doesn't need, you don't need to over ice it. You don't even really need to ice it. Like just that caramelized sugar that is on the bottom that gets like all buttery, like that's, and if you can get some of that in the folds of it, that's a nice little, that's a nice little treat. Amazing. Is there anywhere specific for the cinnamon rolls, by the way? I don't have a specific cinnamon roll place. I feel like when I was a kid, we ate a lot at like the Cinnabon and that type of place, which is like the worst version of it, but also the best version. Yeah. I'm just going to read your order back to you now and see how you feel about

it. Still water. Yes. Soda bread, warm in its own tin with some butter. Starter, half a dozen East Coast oysters, main course, medium rare prime rib steak, roti curry. I sound like I was going to come and talk about that. Side dish, a brussel sprouts with bacon and cheese. Drink a mint julep, dessert, cinnamon rolls. Yeah. You feel good about that? Yeah. I mean, what's the bill? Oh, it's free. Oh, that's, then this really, do I still have to tip? Because I feel like as a courtesy, you kind of want to... Oh, sure. Yeah. How much would you tip for that meal? I mean, all I'm carrying right now is a pocket full of almonds. So... We'll take one almond dish. Yeah, that would be... Really? All right. We'll pop an almond dish. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Oh,

God, no. Oh, no, there's... Wait, who's hungry? No, no. Oh, God, no. No. Did you tell them about that place you took islands? You took me to, in Toronto? I didn't tell them about islands. We did talk about Toronto, though. I've gone back there twice since you took me there. Really? Okay. So what remains the best I've ever had? And it hasn't gone out of business because there was a rumor that they were going to close it down. No. Well, this was... The last time there was... Last summer? Yeah. No, there was... I feel like when I... When you and I were both there, there was a rumor. There was a rumor that they were going to close it down. Oh, that's good to know. Yeah. Yeah. I would take a trip to Toronto. I don't want to tell you guys how to do your North American journey,

but I would take a trip... From flyer miles. Yeah. And it's just an hour. Like it's not even an hour flight. It's an hour's walk. Yeah. You can walk in an hour. You gotta walk quickly. Yeah. But you can get a really tasty roti. Yeah. Do you go curry goat, beef, chicken? I don't go. Yeah. Goat is... Yeah. It's delicious. Do you know what it is? They're generous with the sauce. Yes. The gravy. They're very generous with the gravy. Yeah. I'm going to run. You finish up. We just started. This... We are only two minutes into this. We're only on water. See you in a sec. That's, you know, in my dream restaurant, people can just kind of drop in. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's nice to know that you've taken... Our guests have been up for meals together before. Why? Thank you so much for

coming to the dream restaurant. Thank you. My pleasure. Thank you for having me. Please enjoy those almonds that actually, if I'm being totally honest, here they are. An almond. An almond. Burici, yeah. Thank you so much. Yeah. Enjoy those. Thank you. Well, hello and welcome to the off-menu podcast. We're doing the outro now. Oh, okay. Sorry. Sorry. Well, that was good, wasn't it? Yeah. That was lovely. I love that. What a funny meal. You were talking about steaming out of your ass. Steaming out my ass. That was good fun. It was a really, that was a really fun episode. I've got to say, they're all fun, but what we really needed at the point of recording that is we were slightly jet lagged and Wyatt really just came and took

us in hand and... Yeah. We needed someone to talk more than we did. Yeah. So we could just sit back and go, yep, let's let him go off on this for a while. He really brought it home with a lot of what he himself referred to as Uncle YY's tangents. Uncle YY's tangents. Luckily though, Ed, none of those tangents included edamame beans. Exactly. Thank you, Wyatt, for not mentioning the Devil's Pods. The Devil's Pods. And also at the end there, you caught a little snippet of next week's guest. Yeah, we won't tell you who it is, but some of you might be able to, some of you might think that voice is familiar. Well, it's going to be even more familiar next week when you hear it again. But for now, thank you very much for listening to, thank you very

much for listening to what I said. Oh, did you hear that in the background? That was Ed's ass. Sorry, I did another as far. It wasn't an as far. That was the piss coming out of your ass. Oh, sorry, yeah. At Steam. My piss. My steamy piss. Steamy piss coming out of your ass. Anyway, bye. Hello, it's Harry Hill here. And I'm recording this trailer for my new podcast, Harry Hill's Noise. Basically, it's a half hour of ambient sound. And then at some point during the podcast, I make a noise. Now, when you're listening to it, you'll forget that I'm about to make a noise. And you'll get lulled into it. And then I'll make the noise. And it'll be really funny. I mean, it doesn't sound like a regular podcast, does it? But believe me, you're going to really love

it. So why don't you subscribe now on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and Acast. It's called Harry Hill's Noise, and it's coming soon. Hello, it's me, Amy Gladhill. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato, and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case. Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North, because look, we're two Northerners,

but we've been living in London for a long time. The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off, and that's a new podcast called Northern News. We'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glittle's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late!