Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 80: David Cross

Episode Date: October 28, 2020

There’s a table booked for David Cross – legendary US stand-up and star of ‘Mr Show’ and ‘Arrested Development’ – this week. And he’s pre-drinking.Follow David Cross on Twitter @davidcrosss and Instagram @davidcrossofficialWatch David Cross’s Netflix special ‘Making America Great Again!’ on NetflixRecorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive Productions.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? Don't cut the mold off. That's the flavor of the podcast. Welcome to the Off Menu podcast. I'm the mold. Yeah, James is the mold. I'm the sweet white flesh below. Ed Gamble is the sweet white flesh below. James A. Casto is the mold. Really panicked with that intro. Welcome to the Off Menu podcast. It's a food podcast where we interview a special guest, and we specifically ask them, James, their favorite

ever starter main course dessert, side dish, and drink. This is an episode, one of the legendary New York episodes when bands have got like albums they recorded in NY. When David Bowie was in Berlin. In Berlin. It's very similar to a Berlin Bowie album. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so this is one of the New York episodes. And the special guest is an American. The special guest this week is David Cross. You should know who David Cross is by now. He

is a brilliant comedian, a brilliant actor, very famous for Arrested Development, of course. Yeah, Arrested Development, also Mr. Show. Oh, it's just, I mean, a huge, a huge CV. And for David Cross's episode, we decided that if he mentions his secret ingredient, he's getting chucked out. Yeah, as we do with everyone, but we were very, we were very sure about it with David. And we decided that this week's secret ingredient is Monster Munch. Now, that was very much pushed to the fore by me. I hate Monster Munch.

I like Monster Munch. Look, this threatens to be another very unpopular opinion, a la Yorkshire puddings. Yes, but just everyone make sure that you know. Which comes up again. That I'm the one who likes Monster Munch. So if you are going to tweet abuse and stuff at Ed, make sure you also include, let James know he's really cool. Yeah, sorry about that noise, by the way. I was jangling my balls while James was talking.

Yeah, I guess how much he hates Monster Munch. He was like, it's like, why don't you chow down on these? Yeah, and then I jangled my horrible metal balls. Horrible balls at me. So I hope you enjoyed David Cross's episode. And fingers crossed, he doesn't say Monster Munch. Let's hope not. This is the off menu menu of David Cross.

Welcome, David, to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you. Welcome, David Cross, to the Dream Restaurant. An amuse-bouche? Sure. Serial. No, thank you. Yeah, I mean, you're going to keep pushing these amuse-bouches on people and you never

come up with a good one. A bowl of cereal. A bowl for an amuse-bouche? It should be like a tiny like egg cup, right? A hard-boiled egg cup. Not today. Yeah, yeah, but today is big bowl of cereal. Big bowl of cereal?

All right, well then, even more reason this. I've got limited stomach space and this is my dream meal, so. Yeah, that's funny. I also, when I was thinking about this, I was thinking it really is, you know, I don't know if you have this in the UK, but the idea of, you know, if you're going to be executed the last meal. And so that's kind of what it is. So it would be ironic and kind of cool if I said all this stuff and then as I was exiting

the building, died. Yes, it's quite nice, isn't it? Also though, with that in mind, because people never talk about this when they say about, you know, your last meal and you're going to be executed and all this, never talk about what crime you've done. Yeah. It's always like. So you think the food should reflect the crime?

Oh, reflect the crime. I just think you have to remember that there's going to be a certain amount of guilt involved. And you know, you want to know what flavor of guilt you've got a company in this meal. That's all I'm saying. You think some people would order and just go, I can't, and just push it. Take two bites. Like I just feel awful. Yeah.

I don't deserve this. Yeah. What crime, if you were to be executed, what do you think most likely would be what you end up getting caught for? I don't think I would have said this a couple of years ago, but treason, high crimes and misdemeanors. Yeah. So you're probably actually going to be completely guilt free.

Yes. Oh, guilt free. Oh, I'll save her every morsel. Absolutely. You know what would be interesting, a conundrum, is if your last meal was yourself, if you were cannibal, but you ate yourself and then they have to keep enough of you alive to kill you. Yeah.

And that'd be interesting. Yeah. But are you getting arrested because you ate yourself as well? No, no, no. This is your last meal. You've already eaten someone else. Yeah. So now I've committed treason against the United States of America.

I've sold secrets to Canada and Mexico. And now I'm going to be executed, but my last meal is myself. They have to keep enough of me alive to, let's say, shoot me. So they could legally say that they are the ones that have executed you. Yeah, yeah. Not myself. Yeah, not yourself. That's not fair.

How much of yourself do you think you could eat before it was no longer there doing that they execute you? I think mostly around, as long as you leave the esophagus and I think we'd go both legs, both arms. And then now it's getting a little tricky. If they leave you to it as well, they're not helping you. They're not helping me. Oh, my goodness.

So then I'd have one arm. Let's see if I could. Oh, yeah, I could. Yeah. Depending on. Yeah. I mean, for those of you at home or in the subway, I'm trying to figure out if I could hack my arm off with my just one arm.

It looks like I could do it. I hope you got quite good reach there to get the top. Yeah. And I assume you get like a sushi knife, you know, something nice. Yeah. Okay. So you do both the arms and legs. Yeah.

And then I guess you basically just. Ears. Probably ears. Nose. And then it's pretty tricky. Yeah. But that's enough for a meal, isn't it? That's more than enough.

I'd say I'd pre some, save it for later. But you probably only have like X amount of hours. Yeah. And then your stomach is going to expand because you're eating so much. So maybe you could dip, I'm the first third of the stomach. Yeah. Yeah. But then so then you're eating stuff you've already eaten as well.

So you're kind of going in for your. Yeah. I mean, it's a jambalaya of sorts, you know, it's leftovers. It's a cream of leftovers. My mom would say, mom, what are we having for dinner? Cream of leftovers, you know, the implication she's putting everything in a pot and putting some broth in it and walking away. Remember the German guy who advertised for a guy tweet online?

I do. I, this is for real, I wanted to write a very, like a one act play about the, just that, you know, the guy, not the advertisement, the guy who came over there. And then I just started to research some stuff and then I found out somebody actually wrote a one act play or I don't know if it's one act, but really wrote a play about it, which I would love to see. I really thought you were going to say that you knew him and I thought that's, and this is true.

I knew that guy. This would be such. Past tense. Yeah. It's one of those news stories that like just everyone, no one's ever forgotten about it. I love it because there is no real victim, you know, and I mean, in a sense, obviously they're both fucked up psychologically, one a little bit more than the other.

But I love that it was just, hey, I'm putting this out there, if any, this is what I'd like to do. If anybody would like to be, you know, if anybody's into this, be on the receiving end of it. And then so many answer like, yeah, I saw my thought up, might come in over there and have a little bit of me eating and for any, and he cooked it up and yeah, this is the whole thing. The guy who responded, forgive me, I don't remember all the details, did, has he always

had that fantasy? I don't know. Did he read the advert and then go, oh, hello. Yeah. Yeah. I like that idea that he didn't know that he was into that. Until like, yeah, a little bit of an epiphany. Yeah.

If he'd had the like journey to work being like, oh, same old train, same old, I wish just once somebody would eat me. So we always start with still a sparkly water, David. Oh, still. Yeah. And tap. I'll just take it out of the tap. I don't need anything fancy.

Well, is that because you prefer tap or because you're like, not still for me because you're trying to be, I come on. If you want still water. If it's shitty tap water, then no, I'll take the bottle. But I don't, I'm one of those people who thinks, and maybe it's just, I just don't, I can't tell much of a difference. There are certain waters like, I don't like Evian. But I like Bulvik or, you know, I've not come across this before.

Yeah. But tap water is nine out of 10 times more than, you know, 95% of the time, it's fine. I'm happy with it. Why do you not like Bulvik? No, I like Bulvik. What's the, could you tell the difference between those two? Yeah, I think, I think, because Evian has like a, oh boy, this is, it's so subjective,

but it has like kind of a soft, mineral-y, almost like has a texture, like a smoothness that I don't like. Whereas the other water, most other water, is just sort of refreshing. Yeah. And there's not a lot going on there, but it tastes clean. Okay, so you want some clean, the main thing here. Is this tap? What are we drinking here?

Oh, that's some tap there that you've got there. But we're also in New York, which has the best tap water I've ever had anywhere. Really? Oh, for sure. That's like a known thing, because also the water comes from upstate in the Catskill region, and I mean, right out of the tap. I have a house upstate, and right out of, I mean, it's just the best water you'll ever have. You don't need to filter it, you know, it's, this is great.

We can get, we can get you that water for the dream meal. We can get you your, your own tap water from your house upstate. That'd be great. Yeah, we'll get it. Okay. Wait, do I need to give you the code? Yeah, we need, we need. I know, I know it.

Well, you're a genie. Yeah, I know. Within this scenario. I know, I know the code. Okay. Yeah, that'd be great. Absolutely fine. Go and scope out what else he's got there as well.

And how are you transporting it? Oh, I just, I cupped hands, in my, in my, in my hands. I just, I just cut my hands and just bring it. Well, then I guess I will take a bottle. No, I'll have a nice, really like a, like a portable, a water cooler on wheels. Okay. Yeah. Really cool.

Great. Really pristine. But also now I know that like you, you, you're very like, you can tell the difference between different types of water, you know, what the best tap water is. I kind of think that, well, you know, I know you've been to London. Don't get there. I can't imagine you've enjoyed London tap water. It's not great, but it's, um, it doesn't bother me like, uh, the water, tap water

in Florida is awful. Oh, uh, tap water in, um, Southern Jersey isn't very good. The tap water in Georgia or Atlanta isn't great. But London's, I don't know. I'd say it's in the middle. It sounds like you've got a full league table. Yeah. You got to run down to the top 10 waters.

I'm just telling you from, you know, I travel a lot and have traveled a lot for a long time and you just remember. Yeah. Would it ever put you off going to a place? Would you say I'm not going to Florida? The tap water is awful. Oh, I'm not going to Florida, but not just because of the tap water. Yeah, the water, the water's awful.

There's horrible things. The water, water is not good. Look at how big the mice are. Yeah. Yeah. Florida is, Florida is. Very good at thank you. Have you been to Florida?

Yes. Yes. Where were at what part? I've been to a few places. I went to a town called Universal Studios. So you've been to Orlando. Been to Orlando, been to Miami. Yeah.

There's no way it would have to be like seriously good work, but I'm not going to Florida again. Yeah. There's, I don't like, especially doing shows, doing stand up. It's just not worth it. At a certain point, you're like, no, thank you. I don't have to go there. They're just terrible shows.

Yeah. Just and like all it takes is five, six, seven, eight, nine people to ruin a show. And every experience I've had in Florida, just like, fuck this. And it's a pain the ass to get to. And like fucking life's too short. I got, I can do all these other fun shows that are, fuck it. I'm not going back. If it gets because of the tap water, they're so bad.

I think there's a definite connection. Do they drink more booze because they just don't want any water and then they out, they out like bad people. Yeah. Oh, you think that's it? Yeah. They must just be going to be dehydrated. Yeah.

Oh man. No, I feel bad. They're avoiding all the water. They're sinking all the booze. It's a simple solution the entire time. If you put a filtration system into Florida tap water, all of a sudden they'd be nicer. Yeah. If you took a big vat of your tap water from your house and just sprayed it on

the audience before you start the show, they'd like, lap it all up like dogs. And then they'd be the dream audience. I don't know, but, uh, how, if you're spraying it, it's like a mist. So how do you lap up a mist? Oh, you could, like a hose, maybe. Oh, you mean more of a hose like a jet? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's also good if they misbehave.

Well, that hose better be connected to the tap directly because I don't know if and how much you'd have to get a lot. I mean, you'd have to have a, a hundred gallon tank. Yeah. That's my tap water. And then you're losing money as soon as you walk on stage. Yeah. And then you're out of pocket and what's the point?

Back to the original thing. Like, fuck it, I'm not going to. Probably end up heckling it anyway. You go to all that trouble. Yeah. And then you just still get, what do you get? How good are the most? Uh, I'd say recently it would be more of like, uh, fuck you.

Just general, fuck you. I did a show. This is, this is pretty amazing. I did a show on the last tour in, um, Pittsburgh. And, uh, I, I gen, generally have really good shows in Pittsburgh. And, um, and I like Pittsburgh. It's pretty cool. And I was doing Trump stuff, anti-Trump stuff, whatever.

And the general, like the show was really fun and the, the crowd was really fun, but I either said it or is about to say, and it's not Trump that bothers me so much as his fans when a guy, a security guy, and he has the windbreaker jacket with security on it and he's in front of the stage. Um, and not that I ever asked for security, but sometimes the theater, like you just, you know, it's a union thing. You've got security and they're standing there. And just in the timing, so I'm doing the stuff and he goes, fuck you.

He screams it and he's right in front of the stage. It's not like from the back. He screams it. Fuck you. I quit. And he, he flips me the bird with both fingers, walks up the thing. And, and people thought it was a bit. I mean, everybody thought it was a bit and it would script it perfectly.

Cause I just like, it's not Trump's, but bothers me so much as his fans. Fuck you. It was just, it was, it was a little bit of gold. That's incredible. Yeah. Pop it up. It's all bread. Pop it up.

It's all bread, David. Pop it up. It's all bread. Papa Dom's or bread. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, Papa Dom's. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. I'll tell you what, can I, can I go off the menu and have something even different? Yeah.

Yeah. Let's do something that would normally be in that zone. And, and I wouldn't have thought about it except you said Papa Dom's, which I would always prefer. Is there chutney? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Any chutney you want? And yeah. Yeah. The hot mango, chili lime and the, the onion is good. Um, but I was thinking of the popovers or what do you call them in? England? The, the, it's like a Yorkshire pudding. Oh, yeah.

Uh, what do you know what I'm talking about? I can actually Yorkshire pudding or not. The, the, it's like, um, like, uh, the dough, it's kind of eggy and, uh, but it's like, it looks, it's pop over, right? We call them popovers here, but it's like a common thing. You have them with like a roast. Yeah. Like, like a Yorkshire pudding.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Yorkshire pudding. That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah, yeah, I would prefer Yorkshire pudding to either Papa Dom's or Brett. Love it. Yeah, absolutely.

You can have that. Well, I'm going to allow that. Yorkshire puddings are a controversial point on this podcast, David, because I don't like Yorkshire puddings and our listenership have really taken against me because of that. Yeah. I get a lot of hate on the internet for saying I don't like Yorkshire puddings because they're a British institution.

Well, I guess I'm removed from the, uh, symbolism and sentimentality of it. So I just, I just think you're, you have different tastes. It's probably inferior. Uh, but, um, I love, I love Papa Yorkshire puddings. I love them, love, love, love. I think a little bit of butter and some salt. Oh my gosh. Sure.

It's so good. I think if I called them popovers, I would enjoy them more. Ah, now I know what you're talking about because it's, yeah, it's not exactly like a Yorkshire pudding, but it's similar. I had it, because I know exactly what you mean. Okay. I got it at the same time. I went to Dallas and there was like, before I had, uh, I went to the

steakhouse and they bought these out the time you'd have bread and they looked like Yorkshire puddings, but yeah, you'd have like butter and butter on them. And they were, they were amazing. They were great. So what, what is the difference between a popover and a, uh, you wouldn't put like, uh, salt or butter on a Yorkshire pudding. You just like have it as it is with the roast dinner or something like that. And it's, it's, it's roughly the same thing.

I'd say these ones were a bit, the ones that I had in Dallas were a bit like, a little eggier or a bit crispier. Yeah. Yeah. Crispy on the outside. Yeah. Whereas the Yorkshire pudding can be quite, you don't like it. Quite dry.

Yeah. This is why you don't like it. Well, I guess, I guess then I'd stick to pop over and not, yeah, you're, it's, it's, it's very similar, but, uh, but like most things, uh, American, it's slightly superior, like slightly, just really engage yourself to the British audience there by suggesting you'd have a Yorkshire pudding at this point. And then just, you knew that was happening. Snatched that away from the, once, once you said, once you, you know,

I'm with you about half our listeners, just flip me the double bird and screamed, I quit. Yeah. That's like, I'd forgotten about having that. That they were good. That's, that's, that's a very nice food. Argentinian version of that, which is, which has Greer cheese or smaller. Oh, the bread, the bread that you bite into the bread roll and then there's

like a pocket of everything we're talking about. What's it called? It's, um, oh, it's got a name. They're, they're great. That's my favorite one. Cause it's got like Greer cheese, but it's not, um, it's really blended into it. It's not like, uh, uh, you know, uh, not like a mozzarella, stuff like that. Yeah.

It's not like that. It's just, oh, those are the best. Yeah. Well, that's what, that's what you have it. That's what we'll give you the best. Whatever the name is, uh, then look it up. Uh, the Argentinian version of that thing. Argentinian popovers.

Look up that. Put safe search on. Yeah. Yeah. I can't even begin to think what an Argentinian popover is. Don't look that up on open dictionary. Look up Fogo. Fogo to Chow, Fogo to Chow and then look up their menu and see if it's on there.

Cause you're like Panda Kejo or something like that. It's like something that literally translates as cheese bread, maybe. Cause I've had it at Fogo to Chow as well, which is, but is that Brazilian Fogo to Chow? Oh yeah. You're right. So maybe it's Brazilian. Yeah.

You're right. Yeah, it's because it's Brazilian barbecue is where they bring you on all the skewers. Is this the Brazilian barbecue place that you went to? In Philadelphia. You went to order meat and then you farted all night? Yes. Oh, it's crazy. He tells that story all the time.

I was in Philadelphia for one night and I basically wrote off a hotel room. It was awful. I was so happy to check out. Okay. That's what I want. The first time I had, I had that bread blew my mind because I didn't know there was going to be cheese in the middle of the best surprise I've ever had. I can't believe you've swung me round.

Started off with you ordering Yorkshire puddings and now we're having cheese bread. Quite the dosy dough. You're starter then. You're your dream starter. Okay. I'm going to go a little heavier than I normally would because there's no other place for this in the menu, unfortunately. So I'm going to have poutine, which is one of my favorite things.

And I'm going to have it and you guys are in luck. I'm going to have this because it's the best poutine I've ever had consistently. There's a, not a food truck, but what do you all call them and, you know, where the stands are? Where you go to Petticoat Lane? Yeah, like a food stand or like a food stall. Market stall. So that kind of, you know, he moves around, but it's called the poutinerie.

And he's in Brick Lane on Sundays. He's in Petticoat Lane sometimes and where else? He's a handful of places, but I urge you to seek him out. Oh, amazing. It's, and he has a vegetarian version as well, but it's the best poutine. It's just consistently the best poutine. And his name is Paul, I believe, but he's a Canadian who's in... Oh, so it's authentic stuff.

It's authentic. Oh yeah, he does it right. He does it. It's, I have not altered the ticket, but I've considered when I booked my ticket and when I'm coming in and jet lag and all that stuff based on where he's going to be. I've done that a couple of times where I'll get there, I'll land, I'll make sure I set my alarms so I don't sleep too much and try to get my schedule back, you know, right. And then go to wherever he's located and get the poutine.

So is it just, so poutine for our listeners who may not be well-versed? It's fries, cheese curds, and like a gravy. That's it. Yeah, that's it. And if you go to parts of Canada, it originated in Quebec, Quebec, in Montreal, and I've had plenty of poutine there and it's not as good as... Wow, wow. Yeah, you go to like La Belle Provence and the places that they tell you to go, I'll go to this place and this guy's consistently got the best.

And you don't add anything else to it because I know people like to like pimp their poutine. Yeah, you can do that, but I don't. The only thing I would ever add is in Montreal, they have their kind of famous, one of their foods that is specific to Montreal is called viens-fous maire. It's a smoked meat, but it's not, it's kind of like pastrami, like our pastrami, but it's not quite the same thing. It's a little, it's just a little different. And they have a couple of places that are famous for it,

Schwartz's and there's a place across street. And I would put, sometimes I'd put that on, there's a place here in the city. I don't know how long you y'all are here. We're here for a bit, yeah, we're here for a bit. There's a place on, that's quite good, called Mile End, which is a section of Montreal that has really good Montreal food. And they have good poutine, and they have smoked meat and all that kind of stuff. I've been to Schwartz's in Montreal, absolutely incredible.

It's so good. And I was by myself, and it's the only time you feel good eating by yourself when you can walk past a queue and be like, hello, I'm lonely. And they immediately have a seat for you, sit at the bar going, I've got my friends, but I'm enjoying this food. No, that place is great. And that's, yeah, so the smoked meat, I assume you have the smoked meat here. So some people put that on their poutine, and like there's poutineries with 30,

you know, Italian and Jamaican, you know, jerk chicken and all kinds of stuff. But I don't fuck with that. I just get straight poutine, and then if I am going to get something, I'll put the smoked meat on it. But if you go to Mile End, yeah. Amazing. Let me know, we'll meet down there. We're going to go.

We're going to go. Get a recommendation for somewhere in our own city that we didn't know existed. Yeah. It's like we came all this way, and the magic we've decided is still very sweet. I've also got some recommendations at the, at the Burl Market that it'll, I don't know if you've had the cheese sandwich from the. Oh, from Capricasin. Yes.

It's so good. It's honestly, I was considering that for my dream meal, because I've waited, I've gone by myself, and I'll just, I'll wait and wait. That's honestly one of the best. It's ridiculous. I can just watch them make it as well, because it's just so much cheese. I close my eyes until it's in my hand. It's so ridiculously good.

I don't know what's in the cheese blend. I guess it's like, like Gruyere, and it's like Swiss cheeses, right? Well, there's, there's some longer, more complicated names that I've, I'm not familiar with. That, that is their dairy thing. There's one like comptas, something, something. And, oh, it's, it's, it's everything. It's so simple. A lot like the poutine.

It's simple. But every element of it is just perfect. The bread is kind of the perfect type of bread, the perfect thickness with the perfect amount of like, you know, butter crunch to it. And then the cheese and the little bit of onion, tiny little bit of onion there. And that's it. And it's the best.

It's so much cheese as well. Yeah. It's, if you're making that yourself at home, you get half way through and go, I hate myself. I can't do this to myself. But if you put it in the hands of a professional, you're like, they know what they're doing. I'll eat all of this.

Yeah, that's fine. I still cry when I eat it. Yeah, of course. It's not a good meal if you're not crying. It's, yeah, that place is amazing. Yeah, that's insane. That's such a good place. So that was the close for your main course then.

To go back, I'm, Poutine is my starter. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've started. Poutine is my starter. That's a big start. And it's from the poutinerie. From the poutinerie.

I would go, if, if you're in London, look up the poutinerie, go to his Facebook page, whatever, and find out where he is. Moving around. And tell him David said. Your main course. Okay. My main course is barbecue. I thought about this a lot and I went back and forth

and back and forth, but it's going to be barbecue. But like a lot of barbecue, I'm going to get the barbecue plate. This is going to allow me to have sample a bunch of different stuff. Now I'm from the south and we have something called meat and three, but that's not fair to this idea. So I'm not going to, I'm going to not going to do the meat and three, but we will get the barbecue plate, the sampler, whatever. And I'm not going to cheat and get the thing that's for two to four people.

This is for me. It's an individual thing. But what this allows me to do is instead of getting a half rack or wrap, rack of ribs, it gives me, you know, let's say three or four. Yeah. Just enough to advertise. But then I can get, I can get the pulled pork, make my own sandwich, let's say a quarter rack of baby back

and maybe some dry rub, a couple dry rub, St. Louis style, and let's say a homemade sausage. Let's say it's a jalapeno cheddar sausage homemade. And it's this particular place? Is that particular place you'd always go to? I mean, if I could, if I could shoot the best barbecue I've had, I know this is no secret, certainly at this point, but Franklin's in Austin is one of the very few places

the cheese place in Borough Market is another place where I will wait 20 minutes. Very rarely will I wait in line, you know. The queues are huge at Franklin, though. That's the kindness of the queues, right? And you got to go early. Like when you're not, it's not normal. I don't feel like having, you know, a stomach full of brisket at like 10 in the morning. You got to get up, have some coffee and get in line.

But it's worth it. It's absolutely worth it. And it's, I've had lots of good barbecue here. I got, wait, where's my, this is my very, very first tattoo. It's a barbecue. And it's a pig. It's a pig serving himself. But if you notice...

Has he just been sentenced for treason? Yeah, yeah. Nice way to bring it around. But he's also got a kosher, you know, stamped on the hem. So he's... So he's a kosher pig? Yeah, he doesn't exist. But in this world, it does.

Who's serving you his own barbecue ribs? Sure. Yeah. Straight from, yeah. Good on him. But... Was that available as flash on a wall, or is that something from your own mind? Yes.

That's something from my own mind. Yeah. Who tattooed that on you? And what did their face do when you said what you wanted? Well, I was an old friend in Atlanta who is a great tattoo artist that I haven't seen in decades now, but his name is Shane. And he's, you know, head to toe. Yeah.

Tattoo guy. You could have got it done in the queue for Frank Linn's. Yeah. Probably would have... Not enough time. Yeah, yeah. Completely hailed by the time you get your photo. That's something I don't think we've done properly in the UK yet.

Barbecue. None. No, I've been to, you know, as soon as Bodine's opened up, I went there and I was like, oh boy, and you can watch baseball. It's like one of the very, very few places that... I mean, this is going back a ways, but I was like, oh, I can watch a baseball game at midnight, you know, like go and have some barbecue. And they're the one thing that they do that's okay is the burnt ends.

That's the only thing I love about it. Yeah. It's really, it's hit or miss, but everything else I've had there's not been that great. Not terrible. I've had worse in the States, but not. I mean, it's nothing I would ever say to somebody like, oh dude, you got to go to Bodine. But here's the thing. I, Texas barbecue is not in my top three barbecues.

I prefer North Carolina style, which is a completely different. So what are the differences between them? Well, Texas is beef and Kansas City is kind of a mix. St. Louis is famous for St. Louis ribs. But, and then there's like Kansas City has kind of the sweeter sauces. And then there's Memphis, which has is kind of famous for dry rub. And North Carolina is, once you get to the East Coast, it's more pork. Georgia doesn't really have its own kind of, it kind of takes from North Carolina.

But Georgia has what's distinctive to Georgia is something called Brunswick stew. That is a Georgia thing. And then South Carolina is a mustard based sauce. And, you know, it varies. Tennessee, each region has its own thing. And I, for my taste, it's North Carolina style, which is more vinegar. You know, spicy vinegar. Do you ever do your own barbecue?

I do, but I'm not that good at it. There's other things I can make that I'm successful at. And I have one of those big green eggs, the ceramic convection type thing. And it's very hit or miss. And I have notebooks. I do. I have notebooks and I've altered my stuff. And sometimes it works and sometimes it just isn't that good.

And it's overcooked or it's over smoked. And I'll go online and look at tutorials and I'll read, you know, I'm having trouble with this. I'm like, me too. What do I, you know, I'll scroll down. And I would say my success ratio, and I'm going back, you know, 15 years is, is no better than 50%. Sometimes it's really good.

And sometimes I just like, I don't know what I did wrong. I don't, I did the thing that they told me to do. You seem very sad about this. Yeah, yeah. It's really getting you down. I like it. In post, can we put some like emotional music in there? That whole speech David just did about the.

Could you, can I recommend Adagio for strings? And as the come in, as he says, green ceramic egg, as the disfade in, and then it's, yeah. But I'll tell you what, no matter the turnout, because it's never been terrible. It's never been inedible, but just sometimes you're like, oh, that's great. And then sometimes it's like, ah, that's just mediocre, you know.

And it takes so long, right, to get it. It takes a long time, but really it's about kind of the beginning of it. And then the very end, but you don't really have to do much. That's the theory with the green egg, or the idea of it. But sometimes I can't get the internal temperature to get to where I need it to be. And it takes too long. And then it just, there's definitely, for something that looks like

it could be relatively easy, it's very difficult. And it makes going to a place like Franklin's even more like, God, this is perfect. Do you think Franklin's ever like opened up, you know, the big thing that they put the meat in, do you think he's ever opened? Smoker. Yeah, the big smoker.

Do you think he's ever opened that up and not turned it on and just like got inside and like closed it and just spent the night sleeping in there? Oh, no. And dreaming about barbecue and how much he loves barbecue? Absolutely not. You sure? Well, I'm not sure.

I haven't met him, yeah. So he doesn't seem like kind of guy who'd do that. No. He does, but I think he has handlers that make sure he does. Yeah, it doesn't climb in and pretend he's at his big coffin. And have a little sleep in there. I don't think so, but people are so passionate about barbecue who love it and who make it their life like he has,

that I think he would want to know what it's like inside the smoker. It's so beyond good, it really is, it's a destination thing. It's like. Really made me regret. We're obsessed with that TV show as well. Yeah. Which one? The Pit Masters.

It's like a competition cooking show. Here in the States or? Yeah, I haven't seen it. Everyone's a real character in this guy. Like this guy is really famous for his ribs. Yeah. And he wraps his ribs and everyone else disagrees with him, but he always wins the competition.

What kind of ribs? Is it pork or beef? Pork. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And is he doing baby backs or St. Louis or what? I think they're baby backs. Yeah, yeah. But that's my favorite.

So far, you're in this guy's corner. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm there. I just really like it as well because it's like a proper, they're treated like a sport, but none of them look like they could do any sports like they're all on. Well, it's like, look, I've watched dart tournaments over. Yeah, exactly, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That thing. I wish there was the equivalent of that here, or just some goofy, dumb thing that requires very little physical effort where you just get hammered. And then you have these fan bases that are also equally, pretty much match the, like a lot of people who watch American football don't look like football players. A lot of people watch American basketball

don't look like basketball players. But the darts fans look like the darts players. And they're all like. There was a very famous darts player called Andy Fordham who was world champion and he was known as the Viking. Like huge guy, like 30 stone, like massive guy, a mullet. Is just the guy who drank the, there's some famous story of a guy who drank whatever it was,

19 pints. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's, I think that's him because I just remember a bit of commentary where they were talking about how he's trying to get healthy because it was affecting his game now. He was so fat that it was affecting his darts, which is almost impossible. Because it was, it was really about the magnetic pull that he

had towards the ball. The darts were coming back and they said his training regime was he start by getting in and out of his chair a few times. That's where he was starting from. And they said he cut down on his drinking. He's degraded so far. That's, that's the exercise regime we all like, we'd all want like, okay, I'm gonna,

I'm gonna recommend some, some exercise for you. Oh, really? Yeah. I'm gonna need you to go from the couch to the chair at least four times a day. And you're gonna lift this remote, all right, with your right hand and you're gonna lift this pint with your left hand. Sounds good, all right.

But you'd like something like that over here. Oh, I'd love that. I'd love, I'd love to, like, I, I really got, I wouldn't say obsessed, but I was very happy when Bullseye came on and I would watch Bullseye and I'd go and, and there's a thing about some British television where you truly can't tell like, was this made four years ago or 24 years ago? So your side dish, David?

Side dish, I'm staying in the same, same family here of barbecue and I, I'm gonna go with collard greens, which I love, but that's another thing that is very, it can be very different. And sometimes there's like a sweeter collard and, and I'm again of the vinegar, little bit of, I put a little bit of hot sauce in there and then it's just got to be a vinegar base with some of the meat, you know, in there and then just, I love collard greens, love them.

So I felt because in the UK, it's just not a thing. Yeah. So like for, how would you describe it to people who don't know what it is? It's really boiled, it's excessively boiled. There, it's, it'd be, you know, a collard green, there's collards, you know, there's a, I think it probably came over from Africa. I'm assuming and it's, it's a very, like if, if you don't boil it,

it's a, it's a really rough, sinewy, tough leaf, big, green, kind of thicker dark green leaf. But when you boil it and you have to really boil it down, they get very soft, the stems, you know, are pretty thick. And then, and then it's, it's kind of about the texture married to the flavor and the flavors, usually the way I like it is a kind of a strong, kind of unctuous barbecue, either pork or, or beef, no, not beef, pork. And, and, you know, the pork fat that, you know, melts as you go along and

then kind of infuses everything. And, and again, I like a little hot sauce, vinegar, there's a little, little tiny, teeny bits of pork meat in there, little, little. And, and it just gets really soft. And then the remaining, the liquid is called liquor. It's pot liquor and it's so good, you can just drink it straight. But shot that right down. Yeah. Just shoot it.

Yeah. And you play beer pong with it. Yeah. Good. I mean, that's, it's one of those things that I eat embarrassingly fast. I have to slow myself down because I just, you get a cup, a bowl, a bowl of good collard greens. And I think I'll just, oh, they're so good. Oh, lovely. Remember being in, I went to Nashville and my friend who's vegetarian said, I'm vegetarian.

What could you, whatever vegetarian stuff you have, please bring it. And they brought a bowl of collard greens with huge lumps of like ham in it. It's like, this is a vegetarian. Like, yeah, it's vegetables, but there's big bits of ham in it. They baffled, baffled at the idea that someone wouldn't want big chunks of meat. My mum's vegetarian and had a similar thing recently, a food market and ordered the vegetarian ramen and they sent it over loads of meat in it. And she bought it back.

She had to like go back to the counter. And before she'd even sent in the thing, they went, oh, yeah, cause it's not vegetarian, right? Cause I kind of like noose. Yeah, that's happened a million times. Yeah, you caught us out again. Well done. I'm surprised, I'm surprised that still happens in this day and age.

It's people have an idea. I mean, maybe 30 years ago, but at this point. He's worried about how they're going to cope when a vegan walks in. Oh, yeah. Gonna blow their mind. Well, they shouldn't walk in. They should stay out. Yeah, that's true.

Vegans stay out. So your, your drink, your dream drink to go with your, your meal, which we asked at this point, but you can have at any point in them. If you want to go back in time and have it at the start and just, we keep popping up your glass. Here's the thing. Normally I would have a nice glass of red wine, something on the heavier side. I prefer like a Cabernet or a Zinfandel.

But with barbecue, I'm not really going to have wine. I would, I, most of the meals will have a glass of red wine, but sometimes there are certain meals that wine just doesn't go with. And for barbecue, it would be beer and poutine as well. Now, I don't know if this is part of the thing, but I, in this scenario of the dream dinner, I've already had like four pints. Before you arrived at the restaurant. Before I arrived at the restaurant.

Thanks for being honest with it. I'll tell you my favorite, and this isn't to sound patronizing at all, but my favorite, I have a lot of favorite beers, but my favorite Cascale is Tribute Cornish. Yeah, you know it. And it's, it's, that's one of the perfect, it's just a perfect pint. But that doesn't really go with barbecue. Barbecue, you want a little less, I don't need all the hops and the flavor.

I want more of a, a Pilsner, kind of a lighter beer. So I'm just going to go with, and I'm also not, I don't have like a sophisticated palette when it comes to beer and a lot of beer, I just like, you know, you go to these places that, you know, famous brew master and they brew their own, you know, and it's all a small batch, whatever. The place with loads of taps as well. Yeah, yeah. And I appreciate the idea of it, but I look at the menus and they,

they're, they describe their beer like, you know, notes of leather and tan, you know, whatever. And I don't know what the fuck that means. And I, and I will be a reverse snob in a sense of like, just give me a paps, just give me a PBR. So with the barbecue, I think outside of the setting and this meal, I, it would be my, you know, seventh choice, but for this meal, I'm just going to have an ice cold PBR. Yeah. And you can knock them back. Yeah, yeah. You can have loads of them and they slip down very nicely.

And they're, you know, and they're really nice and cold. Yeah. So cold, you almost can't taste them, right? I wouldn't go that far. You don't want a warm one. If you're warm. Oh, no, no, no. You don't want a warm one.

Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. Super cold. No. The warm ones are so remind me of like, because I grew up in Georgia. It's hot, you know, six, seven months out of the year, setting well now with climate change, nine months out of the year, hot, you know, we'd go tubing, you go down the river and you bring your, you bring your beer and you kind of float it behind you in the river or you put it in a

cooler or whatever. And then, but by the time you're, because you're just sitting in the sun and three quarters of the way through that beer is, it's not cold. It's not even room temp. It's literally 79 degrees. It's soap. It's a whole kind of soup. But you've had so much to drink out in the sun.

You haven't really eaten that it's fine. You can smell it. It's a little skunky, but you don't care. You're on your seventh beer, you know. PBR is one of those things where like growing up in England and watching loads of American television, American films and certain things just like penetrate your, and you just go in and like, I want to have that because that represents America to me in some way. And I remember having a PBR for the first time and being so excited because I was like...

It must have been disappointing though. It's not over yet. Well, the thing is, it's like, I don't think it was because it wasn't like I was excited because it was just going to be delicious. It was like, it's just going to, I'm going to be drinking a PBR. Having the can. Having the can, yeah. Like, yeah, I've heard about this.

Was it hot out or cold out? It was, no. It was pretty normal. It was in a bar. I think it might have even not even been in America. It was like, that's where it was. It was in King's Cross in London. They sold it there and I was like, oh man, and I got really excited about it.

I remember the first time I had it. I had it at All-Star Lanes, which is like a fun bowling alley. I had a can of PBR. I was like, I'm pretty American right now. Yeah. Bowling in PBR. Yeah, absolutely. You loved it because you like a lot of, we already heard from the menu,

you like a lot of English stuff, but you actually go out of your way to find the best stuff and know what it is and you like it. Whereas we would just have most, we just have whatever Americans have already disregarded as like, that's just like the standard. We'd give a shit about that and we would have that as like, this is our dream meal. But would you have, you can, we'll let you have four points of tribute before you get to the dream restaurant and then move on to the PBR. I'll tell you what, I'm going to throw this in the mix.

Let's say it's summer and I could have any beer I wanted and PBR is functional, it works. But the beer I have when I'm in London and it's hot out is, you know, the John Smith, is it John Smith? The cold ones, you know, they have cold things. That cold is really good. That's a really good beer to have that runs through its little ice cold thing. So that would work with the barbecue. Okay, cool.

But we'll just, we'd lay on a full, a full sort of fridge for you if you want. Yeah, I would greatly appreciate it. Lovely beer fridge, four points of tribute before you get to the restaurant. Yeah. But that's in, that's either like right in the little outdoor area garden or I'm inside. And that's a leisurely, those are, I'm not slamming them. It's not binge drinking. I'm just having, you know, good conversation, enjoying that pint.

And then, you know, knowing my dream meal awaits me. And then when I finish up, I'm going to be put to death. Yeah, yeah. Well, what we'll do is we'll take those four points and we'll space them evenly between your home and the restaurant so that you kind of follow them going cartoons when they're like, oh, and then they come, and then they look, and then they go. Like we're luring you to. Yeah.

Sure, sure. I like that. So you arrive at your dessert, which is always my favorite course, the dessert, Ed's the starter boy. Yeah, I love starter. Um, I don't know how you feel about dessert. I am not, I don't have a sweet tooth. I fall not.

We often do that cake truffle earlier and do it like, no. I was like, I don't know how we just did that. I don't like chocolate. You don't like chocolate? I do not like chocolate. I don't hate it, but I rarely have it and it kind of ruins everything it touches. Like the idea of people putting chocolate on nuts and fruit and all that kind of stuff is like, no, thank you.

But I know that I get the sense that you want to move on from what you just said. You don't remember that what you just said is to my people. I don't know if I can just let it go. Yeah, I don't, it's something that my wife and I, when we met each other, kind of bonded over because she's not a big sweets dessert chocolate person either. Yeah, I've never really cared for it. What is it? I mean, like raisins and nuts and stuff are fine, but you think I'm a sweet savory guy.

Okay, I can work with that. That's good to know. It's going to be fine. When it comes to dessert, almost every single time, either I don't have dessert or we'll get the cheese plate. Yes. Cheese. I'm a cheese.

The moment I met you, David, I knew you were one of my people. This is incredible. I quit. So is that what you're selecting, David? Are you selecting the cheese plate for your dream meal? No. Yes. I'm not going to select the cheese plate.

God bless America. I'm going to say, you know what, I've got, I'm just going to use logic here. I have enough room for dessert. I don't need a whole lot of dessert and desserts usually slice a pie or whatever. But I do have some room for dessert and rather than the cheese plate, because then I'd have to switch to wine. And I've had too much beer at this point. Too much beer.

I mean, we're at like seven pints at this point. I don't want to switch to wine, so forget the cheese. So I'm going to have some more poutine. This is great. I thought, oh, it's okay. For a minute there, I felt like I went at the Oscars when they said, La La Land won. And I was like, no, it's like, yeah.

But now it's like they went, La La Land won. Oh no, sorry, we made a mistake. La La Land won. What was great about that is the look of glee on David's face when he said that. Because he knew it was going to upset James. B, because just the idea of just, oh, more poutine, please. Book ended up with poutine. I think that's a wonderful choice.

You know, comes full circle. Yeah, exactly. I have to say though, I prefer that to a cheese board. You respect that choice. I respect that choice a lot more than a cheese board, because I like the fact that you're just going, I'm going to just do that again. Yeah, I've got a little space left. Sure.

Why? I'm not going to fill it up with anything I don't. Again, if I hadn't had all that beer, I would have the cheese plate. I'd be happy with it. There's no way you win this, James. It's either a cheese plate or more poutine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Either way, I'm not, you're asking me to.

I'm sorry, hang on one second. Yes, what's that? Wait, you have a, you have one slice of pecan pie? All right, I guess I'll have a slice of pecan pie. Oh, man, that'd be nice. That'd be nice. We can put cheese curds and gravy on it if you like. No, compromise.

Oh, well, what a roller coaster. Oh, yeah, that was a real roller coaster. I want to read your order back to you, see how you feel about it. You would like tap water from your own home? Yeah, sure. You would like, sorry for butchering this word, poudre-que-je-que-je? Little cheese breads.

Yeah, you say little cheese breads rather than poudre-que-je. Yeah, Brazilian pop-ups or whatever. Starter, poutine from the poutineery. Main course, a barbecue plate, side of collard greens. Your drink, you would like PBR, but you'll have four points of John Smith's, oh no, PBR slash John Smith's during the meal, but four points tribute on the way to the restaurant. And dessert, very confusing thing to look at.

More poutine slash pecan pie. That sounds fucking awesome. Yeah, it really does. That is awesome. That is a beautiful menu. Now I got, and then wherever we're having this meal, there needs to be a cot somewhere where I can just lay, sleep it off, lay down immediately. Yeah, you can do that.

We can open up one of those smokers at Franklin's. There you go. Crawl in there, have a little sleep, and then you get the bonus of scaring Franklin in the morning. Yeah, and maybe eating myself if I want to. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, your entire dream comes true. If you eat yourself from Franklin, you'll be scared. And you've enjoyed your last meal, of course.

Yeah, sounds good. That's the end of the meal and the end of your life, David. Best in peace, David Cross. Well, there we are. Angry boy, aren't you? He reeled you in. I thought, oh no, he's choosing a cheese board. Oh no, it's okay.

I'm safe. Oh no, he's chosen something even more ridiculous. Now, that was a genuine moment of excitement and connection for me, because I've admired David Cross's work for a long time. And to know that we're on the same page when it comes to desserts is quite an exciting moment for a young lad. I still can't map my mind around it when people are like, my favorite dessert, they can't even, they don't like any dessert.

Well, look. Any dessert. The only thing I didn't respect about him there is that he buckled and picked a slice of pecan pie to make you feel better. Actually, yeah, I forgot he did that. That was really nice and nice. It was pathetic that you backed him into a corner with your whining. Yes.

And he had to pick a piece of pecan pie just so he could get out of the building alive. It's how I live my life. You were blocking my door. Most of my friendship was functioned like that. He looked scared. Yep. But the little look on his face when he said more poutine,

it was like watching a five-year-old. He was very happy. He was very happy. I saw it. And I was very happy that he didn't, at any point, say monster munch. Yes. I mean, it was looking like that. I mean, some of the listeners might have thought at the start,

he's not going to say monster munch. This is in New York, he's an American man. But then throughout, there was a lot of English, Anglo-centric choices there. It could have been monster munch. Yeah, it could have been monster munch. But it was not. Thank you so much, David Cross, for coming in.

If you like David Cross, obviously, there's the things like Arrested Development, Mr. Show. Also, go on Netflix and check out with Bob and David, which is the sketch show he did with Bob Odenkirk. It's excellent. He's got lots of amazing stand-up comedy albums. My personal favorite is called Shut Up You Fucking Baby. Yep.

And there's a stand-up special on Netflix called Making America Great again. Lovely stuff. So go and check out all of that. And if you enjoy us, absolutely go on to At Off Menu Official on Twitter and Instagram and on the website, which is offmenupodcast.co.uk.

And also, there's a tab on there which just says Restaurants, which is a list of all the recommended restaurants which will be updated for these American episodes. Go and check it out. You can click on the names. It will take you to a link. You never need to tweet Benito and ask him. Thank you very much for coming on the show, David.

Thank you to you, James, for another wonderful experience. You are a great friend and a great man. Thank you, you Ed. Anyway, bye. Bye. Hello there, listeners. Can we recommend you a new podcast? It's been going for three years,

but it'll be new if you listen to it now. My name's Stevie. My name's Dessa. And we host the Nobody Panic podcast, which is all about how to be a functioning adult without consistently screaming and or crying all the time. Although crying is OK, crying is good. Listen to our episode on how to cry at work.

It's all kinds of different how-tos from how to be creative to how to concentrate to... How to begin a small talk. Thank you, Stevie. We bring our experience, which is sort of minor, and then we get experts in to really give the advice. We release podcasts every Tuesday. It's on Apple Podcasts, Acast, Spotify.

Basically, wherever you get your podcasts... We're there. We're there. We're ready to impart not our advice necessarily, but the advice of others to help you get through your day and your life. Are we selling it yet? I'd like to say that we're much better in the podcast

than we are on this advert. Please do come over and check what we're like on The Real Thing. Oh, yeah. You'll be pleasantly surprised. Hello, it's me, Amy Glentill. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum

and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato, and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to... I'm not going to spoil. In case... Get him on, James and Ed.

But we're here, sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North, because, look, we're two Northerners, sure. But we've been living in London for a long time. The news stories are funny.

Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News we'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glittle's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian?

It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.