Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Menus To Be Buried With - Judgement Day!

Episode Date: March 12, 2023

Look out! Brett Goldstein, Ped Plambles (Ed Gamble) & The Genie (James Acaster) meet once again for Judgement Day to talk all about their favourite films meals all for Red Nose Day. On the menu this year we have bad dates, erotic meals and a very spicy curry. This Red Nose Day, let’s come together to raise some smiles – and some money – to tackle issues such as homelessness, mental health problems, and food poverty here in the UK and around the world. Please donate now if you can. Text PODCAST to 70205 to give £5 today.Texts cost your donation amount plus your standard network message charge and 100% of your donation will go to Comic Relief, a registered charity. You must be 16 or over and please ask the bill-payer’s permission. For full terms and conditions visit comicrelief.com/podcastmashup Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast. I normally do a fun foodie intro here, James, but this is a special episode, so everything's different. Comic Relief and A-Cast are teaming up again to bring your favorite podcasters together for the Red Nose Day podcast mashup and raise money that makes a life-changing difference. It's a crossover episode with Brett Goldstein for Comic Relief. These are in the name of Comic Relief. They have sanctioned us to do this.

Yes, they've sanctioned us to do it. It's the third time we've done it. Menus to be buried with, where Brett's podcast, films to be buried with, is crossed over with our podcast Off Menu to make film questions that were about films, but now they're about food. And not always necessarily translated in the best way. They don't really hold together some of them, but it's lovely to capture it with Brett, isn't it? Yeah, it's a podcast mashup. It's nice to catch up with Brett. It's nice to work with Comic Relief. Hopefully, we can all have a little bit of fun and learn how to donate along the way.

Yes, exactly, James. Shall we get on with it? Let's get on with it. Hello and welcome to Menus to be buried with Judgment Day. It is I, Brett Goldstein, and I am rejoined for the third time by a couple of absolute geezers. One of them has been touring the same show for 75 years. The other one has been touring a show he didn't write any material for. Please welcome to the podcast, it's the brilliant Pet Prambles and the Genie. There's no point in us clapping when we've realised over Zoom. We all clapped each other there, but Zoom's cutting out the clapping, isn't it, Brett?

It is. We have to say things like clap or walk. Why do you think this is? Why do you think it's a conspiracy? Zoom doesn't want people clapping each other and being nice. Zoom's trying to keep us all down so we won't meet up in person, because we'll all feel so low we won't leave the house, so we'll keep using Zoom for meetings. That's why. Well, last time we did one of these, Brett, we did it on Zoom, but you were in England, so I think it might be you who doesn't want to meet up with us. Yeah, I forgot that.

Happy comic relief, you boys. It's lovely to see you again. Lovely to see you. Always frustrating to see a man whose name begins with a certain letter from a mug, which has a completely different letter on it. Yes, your mug says A. A, Brett. Now, tell me this. Let's have a quick catch-up for the game. It's been a while since we did a perfectly makes sense format of menus to be buried with. Well, Ped Brambles, you've been touring like a madman. Yes, last year.

How's it been? All fine. All done now, but then I've got to go to Australia and New Zealand to do it as well. It's popping out. It's the same show. Well, it'd be some different bits. I'll chop and change it, because there's a lot of things that won't make sense to Australians. Can you give me one example? You don't have to do the bit, but subject-wise.

CBBs. Yeah. Doesn't translate. No one understand that. Doesn't translate. I'd have to say, say, bae, baes, because I understand it. Brilliant. Brilliant. I've been fascinated by, as we know, you aren't very good with audiences. You tend to hate

them. You turn on them. You see them as the bane of your existence. So you've been doing a new show called Heckler's Welcome, where you've been trying to change your feelings on this. How's that been going? Good, actually. I've changed my feelings. My feelings have steadily changed. It's a process. This isn't the podcast for it, Brett. This isn't the podcast. I think it is. This is the three lads mucking about podcast. I'm going to talk about my feelings. And you know that this is just Brett setting you up to make fun of you, James?

Yes. And then we know what's going to happen, don't we? We do know what's going to happen, because last time it happened, we all... Oh, last time, Brett, how quickly we forget, last time, all three of us were making fun back and forth of each other. And then afterwards, you got on the blower to Benito and said, All right, Benito, I bet here, can you take out all the bits that I said that were making fun of those two because it didn't sound really mean. I don't want people to think I'm mean. I want people to think I'm kind and believe.

And then they took all the stuff out that you said and then didn't tell us that. They didn't tell us that you had made that request. Yeah. So all of our diss is to you were still in there, and we looked like a couple of bullies. Mmm. Mmm. You call me a f***ing f***ing f***ing. Listen, that's not bullying, that's just statements of facts.

That's someone who understands you, talking to you. Well, why did you want the facts taken out? Oh, those things got taken out, did they? Yeah, because you asked, you asked for it and it'll be taken out. Well, I'd say reinstate it, let the court see I was talking to a person with understanding and empathy, kind of believe. Pet brambles and the genie, you have died again

because it is now judgement day. You stand on the edge, you stand on the edge of heaven and hell. You must tell me the best and worst thing that you did in this lifetime and answer some questions about food stuff. In the end, I will decide whether you get to go to heaven or hell. Make sense, young men? Yes, thank you. Can I ask a quick question at this point, please? Yeah, absolutely.

We've both done this format separately and alone when it's about films and had to come up with our best and worst thing. I struggle to do that anyway. Should this be some best and worst thing we've done together? I love it that me and Ed have to agree on the best thing we've done together and the worst thing we've done together, that's great. It will be interesting because, let's see, let's see what happens. I'm not going to pass judgement yet, that's what we're here for.

Because I forgot when I did the podcast by myself, I forgot about this bit until you said it and then I had to come up with something on the spot and it wasn't very good. You were the best answer that I've had on this. That's true, actually. For those of you who haven't heard the episode, Ed's best thing you ever did was marry his wife and the worst thing was relentlessly to eat on it.

Yeah, that's true. I can't let sentiment hang in the air for too long. So what's the best and worst thing you two have done together? No, it's becoming clear. I'm using this to just shift all the stuff onto James. Oh, what? I thought you had an answer. No way, man. I respect you for it.

I went along with this because I thought you already had one pretty many to go. I didn't have to think of it. No, I thought you could think of it for me. Well, so the best thing that Ed and I have done together, it may not have been a constantly fun experience, but the thing that I felt was the biggest achievement was when Ed and I went on the run together. Yes.

Because we really bonded together, banded together, but banded and bonded together. Yes. Because like, look, when we went on the run, Benito confided in his employees and he said to them, well, that's the end of the podcast because these two are going to fall out and then that's it. Wow.

And then we came up off the run and he was like, how'd it go? You've fallen out? The podcast over? And we're like, no, actually. No, not at all. We didn't fall out because we both went into it, knowing what the other one needed support-wise. We knew what the other one's limits would be and like when they'd need to just be left alone for a bit.

We did that with each other. It felt really good by then. I was like, Joe, what? I mean, I only knew this guy's my friend, but by the end I was like, man, friendship test passed. We did it. That's an excellent story. When you say you know what each other needed,

what's a Ped Bramble's primary need, do you think? Just give him some time, give him some space. They're trying to make it stressful deliberately. That's what they're trying to get. He's reaching his limit. Don't stir the pot. Don't go, oh, Ed, are you OK all the time in his factors? Just step back, baby.

Talk to the camera guy for a bit. Let Ed walk it off. And that had happened and Ed was saying with me whenever I was like, clearly, oh, man. He'd just go, OK, just leave him alone for a bit. Similar needs, actually. Yeah, yeah, space, similar. Yeah.

Just a bit of space. And then I had to whack James off in his sleeping bag. Yeah. Yeah, that's quite a specific need from Virginia. Yeah, well, you know, ask him, they'll shall receive. What's the worst thing you ever did together other than the sleeping bag incident? Relentlessly cheat on Ed's wife.

When I marry my wife, she marries my friends as well. They're not allowed to have any other relationships. Yes. It's complicated, isn't it? Yes. You know, you're in Hollywood. Yeah, you're in Hollywood. Hollywood.

I also married your wife. I married your wife for the green card so I could work out here. She's not even American. And I just did a relationship cheat on Ed. Oh, no. Makes no sense. She literally came to me.

What I realised after I'd married her, I was like, ah, she's done me right up. She did this fucking green card. She just made a green card. Yeah, yeah. She's the airport. It didn't work. They said, no, you're still a tourist.

I was like, fuck. There's nothing quite like Red Nose Day. That time when we come together, bring the laughs and raise life-changing money. Whatever you can do this year, you'll be part of something amazing that's helping people through the toughest times of their lives in the UK and around the world and helping them to break free from poverty.

We know times are tough, but millions of people in the UK and across the world need you, need us, now more than ever. However much or little you can give will make a massive difference. You'll be helping organisations and brilliant changemakers who are closest to the communities trapped in poverty and so have the best solutions. The money raised will help support people struggling

with the cost of living crisis and tackle issues such as homelessness, mental health problems and food poverty here in the UK and around the world. A portion of the money raised throughout our Red Nose Day campaign will go towards the emergency response to the devastating earthquake in Turkey and Syria. Donations will help to fund organisations providing essential support including blankets, food, water and medical supplies.

Red Nose Day has always been a time to spread a bit of joy. We know there's a lot going on right now and for many people things are really tough. But if you can donate, every penny will add up to a life-changing difference. To donate £5, text the word podcast to 70205. Text costs your donation amount plus your standard network message charge and 100% of your donation will go to Comic Relief, a registered charity. You must be 16 or over and please ask the bill payers permission.

For full terms and conditions visit ComicRelief.com forward slash podcast mash-up. Right, well your best and worst are interesting but I can't decide. Hmm, perhaps we should talk about some food stuffs to help me with my decision. What is the meal that you had when you were too young to have it that affected you the most? Now for those of you who might be listening to this crossover for the first time it's the third time we've done it and what we do is we take Brett's questions

from his podcast film to be buried with and just put food in where it should be films. So they don't always work but I think this one works, Brett. Yeah, I agree too. What's your answer? Well, I'd say every meal when I was young was a meal that I was too young to have it because I was a little posh Gormand child. Can you give me an example? Yeah man, examples flying your way. I always refused to have the kids menu so I'd always have to have what the grown-ups were having

and then once I went to a wedding when I was a little boy and they had all separate food for the children on a different table but I didn't want that and there was a big argument over whether I could have the adults food. I was probably about seven or eight and it all kicked off and in the end they agreed and that was the first time I had poached salmon. Wow, delicious. I've never had poached salmon. Absolutely delicious. You make it like an egg.

Yeah, you crack the salmon in into the pan. Yeah, spin it around. You've got to put the salmon in the whirlpool. It goes mad and then it's delicious. You loved it as a kid all this stuff, did you? Oh, I loved it. By that point there had been so many arguments I was like, you better like this, you little shit. Otherwise it's going to be a disaster and you're going to have to go and eat chicken goujons with the rest of the losers. Even that would have been posh for me, goujons?

Yeah, I meant nuggets. What about you, the genie? What's the food you ate when you were too young to have it that affected you the most? This story gets told every time we see a certain family friend who was there for it and she always brings it up. When I was a little kid, my parents made a curry and they thought it wasn't very hot, but it was really hot. But the rule in our house was that you didn't get to initiate the main course. I knew that going in, so I was really powering through it.

And apparently for the whole, so I was like, you know, I was like seven or six or something. And for the whole thing, I was going like that out my mouth and blowing. But I kept on going, it's very nice, Mummy. Thank you. And like eating this curry and just absolutely just dying. Also, we never knew what the dessert was going to be. We just knew it's dessert, so we never found out until the end. Sometimes it was something awful and natural yogurt and then you'd be really gutted. I can't remember what the dessert was that day, but that's how much I loved dessert.

I was like, whatever it is, I want it. So I'm going to eat this curry that is actually the temperature of the sun. It's very, very hot. Natural yogurt probably would have helped the most on that occasion. That would have been brilliant if it was natural yogurt. That's a very sweet story. And I haven't heard you go since Ed's wiped you off in a sleeping bag. If you could eat one meal in a film, which one would it be?

What? Yeah, that makes sense actually. Yeah, it does. It does make sense. We've discussed this now and again. I can't remember whether we've discussed it on one of these. We talked about Studio Ghibli a lot. Yes. There's been a lot of meals in films that we've talked about quite frequently. I want to eat the taco from the menu that prints all your bank details on it.

Still not seeing the menu. You want the bank taco? Yeah, I want the bank taco or stuff from my personal documents printed on a taco. Because I wouldn't be creeped out by that. I'd be like, what a lot of attention the kitchen have gone to to hack my account. And there's all my bank details. I'd love that. Yeah, they've really done their homework.

Yeah, exactly. Then you're going to eat it. What's the big deal? Yeah, exactly. Yum, yum. You're not leaving your bank details hanging around. You're going to eat it? No, exactly.

What about you, the genie? I think I've said in the past that the banquet, the feast from hook and the bangerang. Isn't that imaginary though? Yes, but they make it look so... Those kids are so good at acting. When they're eating it and it's invisible still and they're just imagining it. They're so good at doing it, it looks delicious. I'm like, oh, man.

Like, because Robin Williams is looking at them like, look at his lips and be like, oh, what? What are you eating? Their chief or whatever? And they call him chief in goodwill hunting. But like, he looks like really hungry because the kids are so good at miming. So I always think like that food. But also any food that Brad Pitt eats in a film, he really makes it look delicious.

But it is every film. He eats like an animal, Brad Pitt. He's really like, disgusting the way he eats. Yeah, because he's not eating off camera. Yeah, exactly. That's so true, Ped. He loves it when he reads a script and he goes, oh, I'm going to get to have a dinner. Yeah.

Does it? Fully goes, eats a hot dog, but like, so messily. That's why whenever they break for lunch, you hear him go, ah, shit. Yeah. So maybe I would do that. The banquet at hook, but I want Brad Pitt there. He'd eat all the food. There'd be nothing left for you.

It's all mimes. There's like loads of food. You'd be like this with a hot dog and he'd be like, and he'd take your hot dog and be like, Brad. Well, that'd be funny. That'd be good fun. If every time I was miming, eating some food, Brad Pitt swooped in and ate it out my hands. What is the worst date you ever had at a meal?

Jeannie, let's start with you because I know you'll love this question. Oh, yeah? I love it. This is right up your street. Very easy answer. This one. I think I was, um, I still hadn't ever really been on a proper date, still live back home. What?

How old were you? I would have been, I don't know, 17, something like that. I was pretty late to the date game, Brett, and I remember turning up this place. It was like a pub, but it did food in Kettering. It wasn't many options and agreed to meet someone there. Can you give me a bit of info about the woman involved without naming her? A friend of a friend, you know, her and her mates were at the pub and we were at the pub. Anyway, I turned up at the pub for our food and she was hammered.

She was there before me and she was absolutely hammered. I remember we walked around the block a couple of times. She was like, oh, if I go for a walk, I'll just sober up. Oh, well, she was like, I'm sorry, I'm fucked. Oh, yeah, she was like, I'm fucked. She was like, I'm fucked. She was like, I was nervous about the date and I've just, I got here early and I'm absolutely fucked. I was like, okay, let's go for a walk.

Walk around the block twice and by the end she went, it's not going to happen. I was like, okay, I'll put her in a cab home and then just walk back to my house on my own. That's gonna be my first date, but I guess it wasn't. Reader, I married her. She sounds amazing. Are you still in front of her? No, I don't think I ever really spoke to her again since. Was it? Which is quite impressive in caring to avoid someone.

Yeah. My worst date story is exactly the same except she didn't acknowledge that she was absolutely on her fucking head and was also, it turned out, an incredibly angry drunk. And I was just stuck with an angry drunk who within five minutes started a fight with the waiter and then said to the waiter pointing at me like, he'll beat you up. And I said to the waiter, I absolutely will not. I barely know the question, I don't know how this has happened. Head prambles.

Worst date you ever had? Little from column A, little from column B. Devastatingly similar at university. I agreed to meet a girl for drinks and a meal. I arrived and she'd clearly had maybe a bottle of wine plus before she'd got there. And then obviously we had a drink and then she went to the toilet and she was in there for 20 minutes. So obviously I'm thinking she's left, but she hasn't. She came tottering out, carried on drinking, completely refused to believe that she was drunk.

Then insisted we go to a nightclub. She was basically just on a drunken tear and I was following her around holding her bag and stuff. And then we went to the nightclub, she went to the toilet again for I'd say half an hour to the point where I had to sort of ask girls coming out of the toilet, have you seen this person in there? And they were like, no, the cubicle's locked though. I was like, fuck, I don't know what I'm going to do. So I'm like, and then the bouncer came over, the female bouncer came over and was like,

why are you standing by the girl's toilet, talking to girls as they come out? I'm like, well, someone I know is in there. She's like, I'll go and check. And she said, yeah, I've just seen our legs come out from underneath the cubicle. So then, yeah, obviously had to help her home, popped her in her room. Lovely date. So sounds great. And what does it say about the three of us that we are so intimidating slash ugly

that all the women we've been on date been like, I've got to get fucking hammered before I meet up with them. Yeah. Well, even worse, Brett, you would not believe the amount of girls that I snogged when I was a teenager who turns out they were so drunk that they were literally immediately sick straight after kissing me. One of them in a kitchen sink. What, you kissed by the sink, she turned, puked in the sink,

carried on kissing. We weren't right by the sink, although I should have done that because it had happened before. No, we were kissing and then she was like, and then sort of stop kissing and then just runs, runs the sink and was sick. And I won't pretend that we didn't kiss after. Yeah. Good, don't pretend.

Why would you? How do you, how do you, how do you have self esteem if that was a relentless thing? It's very, you're very impressive, mentally very impressive. There's an obvious answer to that question, Brett. Look at his profession. Do no have self esteem. Have you ever heard the one about the comedian who had good self esteem?

If you could live in the world of one meal, which would it be? Or if that doesn't make sense to you, which single meal would you have forever if I put a gun to your head and said you have to have a single meal forever? Well, let's see. If I could live in the world of one meal. Yeah. I guess the movie of my life, Brett, would be called Cloudy with a chance of treat so broccoli pasta.

I mean, this was always going to be an easy answer for James, to be honest. Very easy. See, I would love it if I was in the Cloudy with a chance of meatballs world but it was raining treat so broccoli pasta all the time. That's a lovely answer, Jeannie. Thank you. Do you want to know mine? Yeah.

I think the meal that I could eat in any... I've taken this question to mean in any conditions, like throughout the year and I'll never get bored of it and it's ramen, any weather, any time of year. Any specific ramen? Look, there's a lot of good ramen in London but some of the best ramen I ever had, obviously Japan I had ramen at 9am in Tokyo airport when I was flying home from Japan.

Wow. And I didn't think it was going to be a breakfast food because it proves the adaptability of ramen. I had a fantastic ramen in Tokyo airport just before we took off. Fantastic. And I love it in hot weather because it's like almost like, you know, like a hot cup of tea is good in hot weather.

Supposedly, yeah. Because it like flushes you out. Cools you down. Yeah, cools you down. So it's like that acts in the same way and it's great in cold weather obviously as well. So yeah, it's got to be ramen, Brett. In Tokyo airport, were you eating this ramen on the move with bags

or was there... No, no, no. I was on the back of one of those buggies. That's what they use them for in Japan. Everywhere in the Western world, they use those buggies for people who can't get around. In Japan, it's if you've got a big bowl of ramen, it was fucking splashing all over them.

It was awful, burning my legs. And then I kissed my wife and she was sick. And then you flew home to cheat on her with other people who were all so sick. Yes. What a life. Yes. What is your favourite children's meal?

Now, Ped, you might find it's difficult having never had one. Is it poked salmon? Yeah, I mean, it may as well be for me. I hate all that stuff and that's really hung over. I probably prefer that sort of stuff now. But even Nuggets, chips and beans, all of that beige stuff, absolutely horrible. I don't know why we decided that's what kids like

because it's horrible stuff. It should be stuff to make them grow well, right? But for some reason, kids' food is all mashed up chicken in a breaded dinosaur shape and stuff. No, thank you. All right, Jamie Oliver, enough with the propaganda. I completely agree with Jamie Oliver.

So do I. About everything. So do I. On all subjects. I do like onion rings, though. Oh, yeah. I like shit onion rings from Frozen. Like the ones that don't really taste like onion.

What other shit food do you like, then, Ped? I don't mind fish fingers now and again. I have a fish finger sandwich. Is that shit food? That's my answer. Is it? Fish fingers, chips and peas. That's a lovely meal.

And that's someone who doesn't know anything about food. It sounds like a good meal to me. You had a film, Brett, coming up, and you were, like, not eating all day, and then you had a scene where you eat, like, Brad Pitt. Would you be, like, kind of, fish fingers, chips and peas? Yeah, yeah.

That does happen when you... It's always a nightmare when you have a scene where it's like, they're at dinner, and then someone will call you and go, would you like the dinner to be? And you're like, oh, God. Protein shake. How many times are we going to have to eat it?

You're playing Joel Domit. I'd love it if you're in a film in, like, a posh restaurant, and suddenly there's a shot where it's clear that you're eating fish fingers, chips and peas. Oh, this is absolutely delightful. But, yeah, I don't know. What else is on a kid's menu? What do people love on a kid's menu?

Little hamburger. Little cheeseburger. Turkey, turkey dinosaurs. Yeah, fish fingers. I tell you what we used to get at school lunches, which I shouldn't... Spaghetti bolognese. Fucking hell. I tell you what we used to get at school dinners,

which I shouldn't have had because we weren't paying for them. Meatballs. We're airing into just the side of Italian food here now, but I'm thinking of... A bowl of Lucky Charms. Oh, fuck off, America. Look at him. Lucky Charms.

Didn't take you long, did it? Do you want the Kool-Aid? Oh, come on, you as well. LAUGHTER It's LucasAid and Rice Krispies. Those ribs, those reformulated ribs... Oh, I love it. ...that are just like a big strip of, like,

of just horrible meat, but they put the little bits in it, the sort of little cut-out bits to make it look like a rib, and they cover it in that sweet sauce. Love it. Oh, I love that. You're talking about a McRib, the best food. Yeah, it basically tastes like a McRib,

but they used to do those at our school, which I'll try and make this point again. I didn't pay for school dinners. I used to eat my pat lunch in Morning Break and then go and steal school dinner. Thank you. Thank you. Every month, nearly 2 million people across the UK

are skipping meals because they can't afford to buy enough food. With no way out, they're going without. Putting their kids first, making impossible decisions, choosing a warm home over a warm meal. If you're not sleeping rough in the UK, your donation will help people who are facing the toughest times of their lives and help them to break free from poverty.

£50 could help get blankets, food, water, and medical supplies to survivors of the earthquake in Turkey and Syria. We know times are tough, but millions of people in the UK and across the world need you, need us, now more than ever. However much or little you can give will make a massive difference and tackle issues such as homelessness, mental health problems, and food poverty.

If you can, please head to comicrelief.com forward slash podcast mashup and give now. What is the meal that you didn't think you would like, but you ended up loving? Fred. These things are very rare for me.

I like most things. You've got a positive attitude going into food, don't you? I do. I hated celery for a long time. So the first time I had celery again, I thought I'm going to hate this. I've had some buffalo chicken wings with the celery and the blue cheese,

which I don't know what the point is of that. I don't know how you're supposed to do that, whether you're supposed to balance something on the celery or dip it in the blue cheese, but then why are the chicken wings there? But I thought I'm going to absolutely hate celery, and you know what? I loved it.

So fresh, so crunchy, so delicious, and it helps that there was blue cheese and chicken wings next to it. To disguise the taste of the celery. But now I don't mind the taste of celery. A lovely snack. Celery. Sure, peanut butter, but celery.

Celery, Natella. Celery? Yes, exactly. Celery, put the celery in the bin and eat a block of cheese. Lovely celery. What about you, DeGeney? Well, I was a kid. My mum made a Thai fish soup,

and at the time, as far as I was concerned, I didn't really like soup. Soup was boring, and I definitely didn't want a fish soup, and I thought that sounds awful. And it was one of my favourite meals now when we go home. I'll request it, because it's just delicious. It's got the coconut milk in it.

I hadn't had coconut milk in a soup before. Didn't know how good that could be. Big chunks of salmon in there. Prawns, loads of veg. Vegetables. So thank you for explaining what veg is. That's what veg is short for in England. Right.

I know you don't say that. I thought it was another fish or something. That's a veg. I was like, where do you get that? You go into your writer's room this morning. You pitch veg. You pitch that as a word in a script over there and see what they say.

I don't know. You're talking about Lucky Charms and stuff now. I don't know if you'll know what veg is. They've got cod and veg. What? I think Brett's talking about vaginas again. Come on, Brett. Come on, man.

Have a day with this guy. Give it a rest for two seconds. And in front of him, he's loads of veg. Do you mean actresses, Brett? You're on your last one in Goldstein. He's just chowing down on the veg. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. But that's what, yeah.

That Thai fish soup, man. The best, the best. Lovely answers from both of you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Now to the question I'm most interested in and I believe your listeners are. What is the single most erotic meal you've ever had?

Let's start with the genie. No, let's start with Ped, because I know the genie likes foreplay and he'll want to build up to it. Do you mean the experience of the meal or the meal itself? You interpret it how you want. Because I've had penis pasta before,

but I wouldn't say that was necessarily erotic. Then that's not your answer, but thank you for letting us. When were you having the old penis pasta? Was that a... Hannibal Lecter's house? I bought it. No, it wasn't like a penis sauce.

The pasta itself wasn't the shape of little peanut. You can get loads of that sort of stuff. Once, there's a place in London, I don't know if it's open anymore, but it used to be somewhere else. I think it was like a place that did tea that Charlie really liked, my wife. Yeah, we know his years, we're all tea, don't we?

And we went to where the tea place was and it had been replaced by a shop that exclusively sold dick-shaped ice creams. Wow. How'd you do that? I don't know if it's still open, but it was made like all different flavours, different sizes.

Yeah. Wow. I could have them dipped in stuff. It was very funny that a place that meant quite a lot to it was replaced by a dick-shaped ice cream shop. That's a real slap in the face. Dipped in veg. So what's your most erotic meal,

because that doesn't sound that erotic? Well, I don't know. I'd say the more I get through a meal, because I tend to eat a lot, the less erotic everything becomes. Yes. I can't eat myself out of being horny. Quite easily. Yeah.

And I know, you know, in films when people are eating a meal and they'll be like, oh, and it'll just, the whole feeling will overcome them and they'll have to stop eating the meal to go and shag. That's never happened to me. No. The love of food has never been outweighed by the love of sex. No, I'm never going to leave a restaurant halfway through a meal.

If I've cooked something, I'm not going to let it go cold. Also, if I've cooked, which I guess in the home is probably, you know, you could probably make that quite erotic, because, you know, you're near a place where you can do it, right? Yeah. But if I've cooked, I tend to kill the mood by just constantly asking questions about how much they're enjoying it. Interesting.

Very, very interesting. I mean, I guess for me, as someone who, you know, doesn't understand basic sort of how to eat stuff, the idea of like eating a big meal and then going straight to sex, I'd just be worried about Windy Pops. Do you know what I mean? I'd just be like, oh, hang on. What about the Windy Pops?

What about you, the genie? Does a packet of crisps count as a meal? I don't know. You need to tell me what's the context of this crisps. When I was 13, Here we go. Me and some friends watched American Pie for the first time and I was eating a packet of crisps while watching it.

It was very sexy. Did you fuck the packet of crisps? I would have if the room was empty. I would have fucked anything because that film was so sexy, man. I'd never seen anything that sexy until that point in my life. I couldn't believe what I was seeing in that film. Your remake is called English Crisps. It is just you bagging a load of walkers.

Yeah. Still Eugene Levy for some reason. He comes in and finds James on the crisps. What's that noise? So much crunching upstairs. Oh, Jesus. Your ice cream dicks cut to ribbons. Actually, it should be Gary Linnicka, shouldn't it, playing Eugene?

Yeah. It should be him trying to steal the crisps off my dick. It's like as earlier in the film, someone's told me, I've been like, what's it like? And I've been like, it's like... It's like a dry packet of crisps. It's like fucking a packet of salt and vinegar crisps. Yeah.

You'll feel very sore afterwards. Which meal you don't care about as a whole meal has a single food within it that you love? Genie. Let's start with you. It's a very difficult one. But I would say I'm not that bothered, even though I'm a dessert boy,

not that bothered about chocolate fudge cake. Find it a bit boring. Wow. Chocolate fudge cake? Yeah. When it has a scoop of ice cream, I love ice cream. So I would say the scoop of ice cream in a chocolate fudge cake and ice cream.

That's the most shocking thing you've ever said. I know enough about you to find that out, right? Well, you've got to remember, like, I love desserts so much that when it is a dessert menu, I really want to find something special, something that I really love. And chocolate fudge cake, they're tenor penny. They're on most ones.

When you have a really, really good one, sure, it's delicious. But it's very rare that you get one that's a showstopper. They're mainly done to, like, mid-level quality, and they just sling them on the menu. And when you do have it, you're like, yeah, I'm getting the sugar in my body, but at what cost?

Very interesting and surprising answer. Thank you. Insightful. What about you, Ped Brandlers? See, weirdly, I'm kind of similar, but for a different thing. So I'm not really a fan of sweet baked goods, the actual baked bit.

So, like, cake, plain cake, the actual sponge I'm not that interested in. Chocolate sponge a little bit more. Like, cupcakes, the actual cake bit, not that interested, is all about the icing and the toppings, right? So I'll happily slice off the top of a cupcake and just eat the icing.

I don't need the ballast of the sponge. But then also, I'm kind of like that with, if you want to take this as my answer, Brett, something like a fish pie or a shepherd's pie, if it's got cheese on the top of it, all I really want to do is eat the cheese off the top, not bothered about anything else. Do you think quite a lot of your answers

have involved getting rid of the food and having cheese? Do you think that actually you just like cheese? I know I like cheese. Yeah. Yeah. And cheese can improve most things, but then I just think, why not just go full Charlotte Church

and have a plate of cheese? Yeah. I didn't know this about her. Yeah, when she was a kid, her special family meal was putting grated cheese on a plate and putting it under the grill. Oh, that's great. Cheese on a plate.

I like cheese on a plate. And then James ruined the interview. No, don't tell Brett. This is the worst person to tell. Tell me. I didn't ruin it. It went well. It went well.

He started saying he was imagining Charlotte Church under a waterfall. No, listen. I didn't say to her, I'm imagining you under a waterfall. What did you say, Jeanne? Charlotte Church said she wanted water from a waterfall. And she said,

I want to go to a waterfall with a cup and get the water. And you said, I'd like to imagine you under that. I said, are you going to stand next to a waterfall and put the cup under, or do you stand under it and gather it in the cup? And I wasn't thinking. And as soon as I said that, both her and Ed were like,

what a dirty, grubby little boy. I said, no, I was just thinking that I would like to stand under it and catch it all in the cup. I wasn't thinking about wet t-shirts. He went like this, Brett. And listeners won't be able to see this. He went, or do you want to be under the waterfall?

Like, I didn't do that. Brett, I didn't do it. And then you thought you'd make it less perverted by going, no, no, no. I want to be under the waterfall as well. Catch the water and touch it. No, I didn't say that to her.

It wasn't me being under there with her. Who was it? The genie. The genie. Your character that lets you touch women. Yes, don't get it. No. No.

No. I was saying. Papa Dom's on bread. I'll touch you. No. No, not that. I was saying that if I was getting water from a waterfall with a cup on my own,

I would want to stand under the waterfall and do it. Waiting for Charlotte Church to turn up in her tiny bikini that you've imagined. Wow. How easy life is if you can just write in your own little pervy bits at the end and make everyone look like a grubster. I'm a good boy. Kind of believe, what is the meal that stayed with you

the longest after eating it? I mean, make of that what you will. I've got one. Yeah. Nashville, Tennessee. It was a big change in my diet. I was there for a week filming something and it stayed with me physically the longest.

Okay. All of the Southern food blocked me up. Didn't go for a full toilet for the full week. I think it was nerves as well because we were shooting a pilot for something and I was nervous and all the food was quite heavy and stodgy. And then we finished shooting the pilot and we were all going to go out for a drink afterwards.

I went back to the hotel and my whole body relaxed and I went for my first poo in a week. And I was like, oh, thank God for that. And then I went back into my hotel room about five minutes later I went, I think I need to go to the toilet again. Went for another full poo. Went back into the hotel room. I was like, well, at least that's over.

Then my body went, no, you need to go again. And that happened seven times in a row. Wow. The whole week's worth. Seven days worth and seven poos. Yes. That's a lovely story. But that's a long time for a meal to stay with you.

And it happens to me in Japan as well. Not what happened in Japan. Well, not a lot happened in Japan when it came to toilet time. That annoyed me because the toilets are so good. Yeah. What a waste. When did it all come out? It was like seven or eight days, I think.

And then there's not a jet of water strong enough to clean that. Sorry about that, everyone. So, Genie, what's your answer to this? More wholesome answer. But I was, I think I was 13. I think I was 13 in the other story I've told. We went abroad for the first time as a family to France. And there was a posh man in the village where we lived anyway.

And he was like, we've got a chalet in the Alps. You can stay there. So that was a really big deal for us folks. You were 13 and a man said, come and stay in my chalet. No, no. I was 13, but I had a family. And before we left for the holiday, a man in the village that we lived in, just outside of Keterin, which we'd moved to recently.

At this point in my life. From where? From Keterin. To Keterin. A posh man said, if you go into France on holiday, stay at my chalet for a weekend beforehand. Big deal for us. Went there and he said, go to this place for dinner.

It's very nice. And we went there and it was a really tiny, tiny place run by this couple who had a big dog called Snoopy, who had massive dreadlocks. This dog was just walking around. These stories are very on brand for us. Yeah. There was us, family of five from England, an Italian family, and a French couple in there.

And that was it. And it worked that they just kept on bringing out courses. And they were very like basic, rustic courses. But this couple who ran the place just kept on bringing stuff out. One of the courses I remember was like just a hot plate and you cooked your own meat on it. Dessert was just like a whole tub of Neapolitan ice cream with a scoop. And they go, there you go.

Just fill your boots, which obviously is a 13 year old. I was like, in absolute heaven. Couldn't believe that. It doesn't sound like they cooked any of this meal. Yeah, I don't think they really bothered with it. But it was so great. Just emptied their free. We loved how full we were afterwards.

We'd never had so many courses before. And we still talk about it now as a family and how great the meal was. I mean, at one point they did ask each table to sing a song from their country. And they asked us to sing Long Way to Tipperary. Christ. We sang that as a family to everyone else. Particularly memorable when you came back from that meal and found the posh man hiding under your bed.

What is your problem, man? I tell you a wholesome story about my childhood. And you put an old man under my bed at the end. How were your shits after the meal? Yeah, good question. Thank you. They were lovely, I think. I think they were lovely.

Then making you sing a song from your... I, around Christmas, was at a very nice place on holiday. And it was very nice. We were having breakfast. And then there was this... And I'd particularly gone to breakfast because there was going to be a gospel choir there. And you know, I love my gospel. And they were singing and it was great.

And then they suddenly stopped and said, one by one we're going to go around the table and everyone's going to do a little bit. And it took ages for this to happen. I was so stressed that the meal was ruined. It was probably half an hour before it finally got to me. And all I had to say was like, rings. You know what I mean?

It was like the 12 days of Christmas or whatever. But I was just like, will you ruin this meal now? Because I've got a fucking do-it-turn. So was this recently, Brett? When was this? A couple of years ago. Has Ted Lasso started? Yeah.

But wouldn't people have been more excited if you'd just gone, oh, fuck off. Yeah. You can do that now. You can't do that to a gospel choir, can you? Yeah. I thought they'd know Ted Lasso. So say first.

Fuck off. And I guess to you, go, do you know Ted Lasso? And when they go, yes, they go, well, fuck off. And then they'll be like, oh, brilliant. Yeah. They'd go, praise Jesus. Yeah. Praise Jesus for Roy Kent.

But what if I go, do you know Ted Lasso? And they go, no. And then I go, no. Rings. Rings. Exactly. That would be great. The earthquake in Turkey and Syria is devastating.

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Relief, a registered charity. You must be 16 or over and please ask the bill payers permission. For full terms and conditions, visit comicrelief.com forward slash podcast mashup. What is the meal that made you feel better about the world? Are you, Ped? This is a tricky one, isn't it? Because although I'd say most meals make me feel pretty good

about the world if it's really nice, if you have a really good meal, you think, oh, boy, everything's all right, really, isn't it? Yeah. So in a way, you just asked me what was the best meal I've had. Okay. What's the best meal you've had? I don't know.

Also, it's a very difficult question because obviously, when you think about feeling better about the world, it's like they just remind you of the stuff that's wrong with the world and a lot of what's wrong with the world is just like uneven distribution of wealth and poverty. So then you think feeling better about the world because I ate a meal is pretty awful. So actually, I think this is impossible.

Oh, lasagna. Yeah, lasagna. I mean, what a lovely positive take on that question, DeGeney. Thank you. Which is your favorite ingredient in a meal? Salt. Lovely answer. Very good answer.

It's got to be salt. Imagine a meal without salt. I can't. Lucky charm's without salt is not worth eating. They do have salt in them, though, I'm sure. The most important thing in my kitchen, most important ingredient, if we are calling it an ingredient, I think we should.

I've got a big pot of salt, a big pot of flaky salt, and anything I'm cooking, it has its place on the shelves with all the other condiments and seasonings, but it's barely on there because it just sits on the work surface because I'm just pinching salt and stuff all the time. It's so important. So salt. Salt and fat are two of the most important things in cooking.

And acid and heat. Well, I could have salt and fat. I'm not bothered about acid and heat necessarily. I don't really understand. What's your answer, DeGeney? I would probably say, at the minute, probably ginger. At the minute, I absolutely loved it.

I could really taste the ginger in a meal. Yeah. Had a really adorable moment recently where my parents visited and we went to a cafe near me and they'd never had ginger shots before. My parents, they saw them on the menu and they said, what is that? I was like, you'll love them.

Ordered a sum. They did love them. At the end, my dad said to another grown man who ran the cafe as he was paying. My dad went, those ginger shots were nice. And the guy was like, oh, good. And my dad went, I love ginger to him. And the guy went, I love it too.

My dad went, three things that you can't cook without. Ginger, chili, garlic. And the guy went, I'd agree. I absolutely agree with all that. I love all three of those. And then they talked back and forth about how much they loved ginger, chili, and garlic. And it was so cute and adorable.

And they really bonded. They agreed on all three of them. Should they start a podcast of menu plus 30 or something? They could be a spin-off. They had a podcast called Ginger, Chili, Garlic. Yeah. I think they could talk. They wouldn't need guests.

I think every week, the two of them going back and forth and going, I love ginger. I love ginger too. Ginger, chili, and garlic. Yes, please. At one point, I think they got on to harissa, I think. And my dad said, harissa's great. Put it in your dinner?

Sort it. And the guy was like, yes. I love it. And they did a little mime as well to put it in his dinner. Does your dad cook? Not really. This whole conversation. Really, that was absolute bullshit.

He let harissa to a meal that my dad's already cooked. Right, I see. I see. Yeah. Oh, the dog's just coming in. Oh, I like toast. Oh. There's a dog coming.

This dog loves comic relief, don't you? Toast loves comic relief, don't you toast? Any word for the listener's toast? No. Silent as ever. He's got no words. Well, fuck. He nearly fell over.

He's half on me, half on badito. What meal inspired you to do something, the genie? Oh, no, ped. The format's falling apart is all I was going to say. Yes. I think it's got, it's held pretty strong. Yeah, it's done all right. We've managed to wrestle quite a few things out of seemingly nothing.

I'd say this one, this one slightly worked better than the resurrection, if I may. Yeah, no, this is, for me, this is the one that's worked the best format-wise until we get to what meal inspired you to do something. But then again, I felt the same with the question, what film inspired you to do something? Yes. So maybe I'm just not a very, I've never been inspired to do anything. No, no, I didn't understand that question when I was like, and I'm always the first person to get asked the questions as well.

So you've not even road tested them with people. Yeah. And I get asked, what film inspired you to do something? I'm like, Brit, help me out. What do people normally say? I don't know. You're the first one. Have you seen Ted Lasso?

Well, fuck off. Yeah. Oh, shit. Rings. Okay. So your, your answer is nothing ever inspired either of you to do anything. The most inspiring thing, this is my whole family found it inspirational. A meal was when my parents went out for a meal and they came home and they couldn't believe

on one of their plates, one of the courses, there was a big lump of carrot that had been sculpted into the shape of a swan. So they bought that home with them to show us, show us it. And we, we all thought it was it, we all thought it was incredible that someone had been able to do that. So we didn't then go on and do it ourselves, but we found it inspiring. Did just to know that that kind of thing existed in the world and people were sculpting carrots into swans.

I've been inspired to try and cook the thing at home. That'll do. I'll take it. She's, she's on a plate. She's on a plate. I'm inspired to do that regularly. Our podcast inspires James to go and cook things. Sure.

Quite often he'll listen to someone saying, describing a recipe or something that they've cooked and he'll go, I'm going to do that tonight. Yep. And I don't do it. And sometimes it goes well, sometimes it doesn't, but I'm always glad I gave it a go. You know, Simon Amstel's aubergine dish, whatever, pasta tried that comes to mind. You hated that. Yeah.

It was horrible. It was pretty bad. It was anything on his menu that sounded nice as well. We have reached the end. And now I can't decide whether to send you to heaven or hell. One last thing. You can give me one food that is meaningful in the hope I will spare you from the pits of old hell, you bastards.

Which food? Can it be a drink, Brett? Okay. I know you're an emotional guy. You love sentiment. You're going to love this. I proposed to my wife in Japan. That night we went to a robot show.

I think with Brett you have to clarify that's not a sex thing. It's not a sex thing. Oh, okay. A robot show isn't robots going at it. It's just loads of robots. It's like a big dance thing. It's very tacky. It's a lot of fun.

And they're not fucking... No one's fucking anyone. I brought a little bottle of champagne to celebrate us getting engaged. I kept the bottle. That's what I'd say. You're going to give it to me. It's lovely. You can have the bottle as a memory of my love.

It seems like someone wants to go to heaven. What about you, Jeannie? Jesus. When I was watching Brett listen to that story, I felt like I was watching a robot show. Trying to muster up some sort of emotion and feelings about it. Normally, Brett is quite emotional, but it's because I prefaced it.

You know why? You know why? It's because my alarm's going off in the background. I was like, what the fuck is that? So I was like, oh, he's telling a beautiful story here, and I've got to turn off a fucking alarm. Brett has an alarm for when he's supposed to be emotional. Yeah.

Show emotion now. Jeannie, what's your answer? I think if it's heaven and hell, I've got to really draw on my Christian upbringing here to know what the right answer will be for something meaningful, food-wise. So I would go full, kind of like, what would Jesus say? He would say, like, a single mustard seed.

That's what he would say. Single mustard seed. From that, you can grow bountiful, calm food. I don't really like mustard. See, a seed, then. A single seed. Yeah, but you picked mustard and I don't like mustard.

Jesus says mustard. OK. Well, sadly, I'm going to have to separate you. I've weighed up the evidence, and based on bloody mustard and your perverted ways, Jeannie, you are going to hell. Pet, brambles, your kindness and complicated marriage has made me sympathetic to your unique place,

and you shall also be going to hell, because I think Jeannie won't cope without you. I'm joking, you're going to heaven. Oh, yes. Oh, come on. Oh, I don't know. Well, think about it. Perhaps I'll kill you both again,

and we'll see what happens in the future. Good day. Thanks, Brett. Thank you for coming. Well, there we are, James, another successful podcast mash-up. Men used to be buried with. My brain is scrambled, man, that mash-up.

It's crazy every time. But nice to hear the lad. Lovely to hear, Brett. Lovely to hear that he's doing well. Thank you very much to Brett for making time in his busy schedule. Schedule over there. Oh, so sorry, schedule.

We respect him very much, and he's our hero. Yes, so if you think we were being mean to him in that episode, it was just a little joke. Yeah, and if you think our bread didn't get as many jabs in at them, they're on the cutting room floor, and we've been done again. We've been done.

Stitched up like a kipper. Absolutely done once again. Well, thank you very much for listening. Oh, no, Brett. Well, thank you very much for listening. We just had to stop there because Brett started doing his intro during our intro. Yes, we were about to say please donate if you can.

Yeah, please donate if you can, and then Brett spoke over it. So that's the sort of guy he is. Please donate if you can. It's a brilliant cause. Thank you very much for listening to the off menu. Men used to be buried with with Brett Goldstein and us podcast mashup in aid of coming relief.

Thank you. Bye. Thank you. Bye. Hello, it's me, Amy Glendale. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by...

Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case... Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the new stories that we've missed out from the North

because, look, we're two Northerners. Sure, but we've been living in London for a long time. The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News. We'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on.

Get Glendale's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.