On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 10 Best Relationship Rules That Are Often Forgotten

Episode Date: August 16, 2019

No matter how many holidays, dinners or movies you go to, if we don’t work on the core of a relationship, values, trust and communication, very little can be achieved. I want you all to have fulfilling, meaningful purposeful relationships and so I gathered the 10 Best Relationship Rules that are often forgotten as a reminder to myself and others. These are not the ones you’ll find on front covers of magazines but the ones that actually work in a real relationship. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What do a flirtatious gambling double agent in World War II? An opera singer who burned down an honorary to kidnap her lover, and a pirate queen who walked free with all of her spoils, haven't comment. They're all real women who were left out of your history books. You can hear these stories and more on the Womanica podcast. Check it out on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen. Regardless of the progress you've made in life, I believe we could all benefit from wisdom on handling common problems, making life seem more manageable, now more than ever.

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Or cityoftherails.com. We always hear that communication is key in a relationship, and in one study, lack of communication was cited as the most common factor that leads to divorce. Hey everyone, welcome back to On the Purpose. My name is Jay Shetty and whether you're here for the first time or multiple times or you're here every single week, I'm genuinely so happy and grateful that you've decided to join. It means so much to me that you're sharing your insights, your takeaways on Instagram, on Twitter, on Facebook. It's amazing to see how much you're learning,

how much you're growing, and what's having an impact on you. So make sure you keep doing that. And please, please, please, make sure that you've subscribed, rated, and reviewed the podcast. I'm always looking out for my favorite ones and posting them as well, but I love seeing your feedback and which episodes stand out to you. That's the only way that we can continue to engage and find more ways in which you can recommend topics, ideas, and share your insights around the podcast as well. Now, as you know, this one's all about the 10 best relationship rules that are

often forgotten. And I wanted to dive into this on relationships because as you know, I've made a ton of videos, ton of podcasts, all about relationships. But these are some of those nuances, some of those subtle points, some of those, you know, just those things that we forget about, right? And there's so many things in our life that we just forget about. We miss out on, we kind of see them fade away into the background. And these are those top 10 rules. Now, some of these, a lot of these actually,

I've used in my own relationships. And what I'd like you to do as I walk you through these 10 is I want you to write down which ones you think could transform your relationships. And this applies to both romantic partner relationships and friendships as well, of course. So you can apply to any of them. And this is what, look, if you're busy right now

and you can't write anything down and you can't pick up a pen, make sure you play this again and come back to it, right? Come back to this episode, write it down and focus on which of these 10 could you do more of and which one could you do deeper? That's how I wanted to approach this whole conversation. So there's a lot of relationship advice going around and we hear it in songs, in movies,

from our family members. And I wanted to do a podcast that spotlighted some of the deeper, more subtle pieces of insight that are often missed. Now nothing external can change or sustain a relationship. No matter how many vacations, holidays, dinners or movies you go to, if you don't work on the core of a relationship, values, trust, communication, very little can be achieved. Now, I want you all to have fulfilling, meaningful, purposeful relationships. And so I've gathered the best 10 that I wanted to give away to you today. And these are also reminders to myself. Look,

when I'm recording this podcast, I'm as much talking to myself. And therefore, when I'm researching for it to find you the best researcher, you know, I've been thinking about this a lot lately. A lot of what I'm doing here is I'm learning, I'm reading, and I'm doing it in an accelerated way so that I can bring you all of these insights together in a curated way so that you almost don't have to. And I hope that you are feeling that. I hope you're feeling that it's easy. It's simple.

It's accessible. It's relevant. And these are not the ones you're going to find on the front covers of magazines, but the ones that actually work in a relationship. Here's my first one. This one is a hard one for anyone who's ever tried to do it, and it's this. Admit when you're wrong or when they're right, right? Admit when you are wrong or they are right.

We always hear that communication is key in a relationship. And in one study, lack of communication was cited as the most common factor that leads to divorce. And 65% of men said nagging was their biggest issue. And I'll tell you what, the women's biggest issue was later. Now, a time when it's extremely key in terms of communication is when you're admitting

that you're wrong about something or admitting that someone else is right. And that's when our ego gets in the way. That's when our arrogance, our pride gets stuck in the way. And it stops us from admitting that we're wrong or admitting that they're right. Because that takes courage, right? It takes, what does it take? It takes vulnerability and it takes openness to do this.

Now when you do this, there's two ways that this kind of goes. This is the way that it works. When you do this off your own accord, it builds trust in your partner. When you say it without any hints, without any tips, without any nudges, that's when it feels real. But if you wait for them to explain everything and then you do it, right, we all know how that feels. It lacks value, right? Like how many times of you had to prove a point to someone and then they responded and even if they responded with a apology, you still feel like you're the one who brought it out of them.

And that's why this has to be a self-motivated, proactive effort in any relationship. Now having the ability to observe and be honest of your own accord through your own reflection is a really powerful tool in a relationship. And similarly, it's so vital to tell them when they're right. It allows them to do the same with you. And when you tell someone that they're right about something, guess what? They start to repeat that habit. When you observe, when someone's doing something in a competent way,

when someone's getting something right, and you recognize it and spot it and make them aware, they're now going to repeat it and do it more often, so you can actually get to experience it more as well. Now here's the truth of the matter. It shows yourself reflective and wanting to find what is right for both of you. Usually we fight when we're right and go quiet when we're wrong. How many times of you have experienced that, right? When you're right, you fight it out. When you're wrong, you quieten down. How many times have you ever experienced that? And when we create a culture, a relationship

like that, it means we don't really want to win together. It means we don't really understand what's right for both of us. So when we are right and we fight and when we're wrong and require, it creates a defensive environment as opposed to a collaborative one and Eventually you start realizing the true relationship math is winning together, right? I've said this before but I have to say again if you win and they lose you both lose if you lose and they win you both lose If you lose and they lose you both lose the only way you win is if you win together. So that's principle number one. The second one that I wanted to share with you is kind of like a paradox or a polarity. And I love embracing opposites in life because I think we look at

life as binary. We look at life as black or white. We look as life as yes or no, but actually life is a lot more grays. And you almost have to accept both at many times. Like if I say to you, should you be assertive or should you be kind? It's like, well, be assertively kind or be kindly assertive, right? And that's what I love about life is that life's so much more in the middle

than it is either or. And that's what I talk about relationships needing shared hobbies and solo pursuits. Right, we need shared hobbies and solo pursuits. And I know this is something that has really impact my wife and I's relationship, is that we have shared hobbies, but we definitely have solo pursuits.

We travel independently when we both have different work plans. We live in different places, even when we're in the same country, for example, when we visit our family and parents in London, because my wife is certain solar pursuits and so do I. At the same time, we have shared hobbies that we come to do together. Now, when you first meet someone, it's normal to look for similarities, similar interests, similar interests in food, activities, holidays, experiences.

But as we get older, here's the thing, as we get more mature and gain self awareness, it's very normal for people to change. And hence what they like changes too. And the biggest mistake we can make in a relationship is expect people to stay the same or to always like the same thing. So sometimes we look at people that we

know for a long time and we say, you've changed. And really the answer we should one back from that is, yeah, it's a good thing, right? Like if you didn't change how weird would that be? So, but we almost judge people for changing or growing or maturing or having new likes and dislikes. A healthy relationship is where you have a few shared hobbies and you have your solo pursuits as well. The solo pursuits allow you to bring value to the relationship and the shared hobbies strengthen your bond. That's the difference, right? The solo pursuits allow you to bring value to the relationship

and the shared hobbies strengthen your bond. Now, the mistake we make is thinking we have to love everything our partners love. This is a mistake, right? and the shared hobby strengthened your bond. Now the mistake we make is thinking we have to love everything our partners love. This is a mistake, right? It's almost like when you meet someone and you're like, oh my God, he's so into video games. Oh my God, she's so into sports.

So, oh my God, he's so into whatever it is. And you think, okay, now I have to fall in love with it to show them my care. And actually, that's not true. And we shouldn't expect that or think that it should be based on getting to know that, like your partner may genuinely want you to love what they love,

or they may just want the ability to make it a solo pursuit. We shouldn't feel the pressure to fall in love with what they love, and we should be putting people under pressure to love what we love. Right, let me just say that again, we don't need to put pressure on other people to love what we love, and me just say that again, we don't need to put pressure on other people to love what we love and we should never be pressured into loving what someone else loves.

Does that make sense? And so whether it's video games, sports, baking, whatever it may be, travel, and this is what makes the difference. The false expectation we have is that our partner should love everything we love. Let your partner be themselves and you be yourself. See where the natural overlap is and where solo pursuits grow. And giving that person time and space for their solo pursuits and making time for your shared hobbies is where a relationship

really comes alive. And that's a dynamic balance, right? It's not easy. It's not something that's just gonna weigh up all the time and you're gonna perfect or anyone has an ideal. It's never gonna be like that, but it's definitely something that you want to work towards and aspire for.

Now, number three, I hope you're loving the episode so far and learning a lot of new insights or going deeper into the ones that you've heard before or learned before. In the 1680s, a feisty opera singer burned down a nunnery and stole away with her secret lover. In 1810, a pirate queen negotiated her cruise way to total freedom, with all their loot. During World War II, a flirtatious gambling double agent helped keep D-Day a secret from the Germans.

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We're kinda trying to get invited to a dinner party. It doesn't always work out. I would love that, but I have like a Chihuahua who is aggressive towards strangers. I love the dogs. We learn about the places we're visiting, yes, but we also learn about ourselves. I don't spend as much time thinking about how I'm going to die alone when I'm traveling,

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Listen to how to money on the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Number three, never stop dating, but date differently. Right, I remember someone seeing a post on social media and they literally read something, right? I am married, but I'm still dating and I saw that and I was just like, wait a minute, who are you dating?

And then I looked into it, I realized they were still dating each other and I thought that's awesome, but this is the difference. What worked for you when you were 18 or 25 will be different about what worked for you at 30 or 35 or 40. Right, dinner in a movie may not be right anymore, going to a bar may not feel meaningful anymore. It's important to evolve and realize what's changed.

So for me and my wife, this was something I posted on Instagram and a lot of you really resonated with it. It's something that we set as our personal shared hobbies and goals for 2019. And it's made a huge difference in our relationship. Like I really believe, and I mean this, I'm genuinely saying this, if you were to commit to do this with your partner or one of your closest friends,

it would transform your relationship. And the best thing about this is, there is no one who's too busy to make this a possibility, right? So there are very few excuses to be able to doing what I'm about to tell you. So this is it. For me and my wife, we find taking a three day break

every 30 days somewhere within three hours from our home makes all the difference, right? So it's a three day break together, every 30 days somewhere within three hours from our home makes all the difference, right? So it's a three day break together, every 30 days, somewhere within three hours from our home in Hollywood. Now, three, three, three, three, three, is all I love numerology, it's fine, it makes it more interesting, it's got a ring to it, right? But also it makes sense.

Like 30 days in a month, we can take a two and a half, three day break, we can go somewhere within three hours. It's very low cost. It's something that anyone and everyone can do. And that commitment of going somewhere for three days, locking your phones in the safe or leaving them away and then exploring a new town, a new city, a new space together. It's probably one of my favorite things. And we've done that in 2019.

And of course, we live in LA now, So we've been traveling in and around LA. So we've been to Palm Springs. We've been to Laguna Beach, Newport Beach. We've been to Malibu. We've been to San Diego just this weekend. And I know what you're all thinking. Yes, we've not been to Santa Barbara, big, big bear, but they're all on the list. And that's what I love.

And it gives us an opportunity every 30 days to go on a date that works for us. Like that date works so much more for us. So we still enjoy watching movies, but we realize taking breaks, being close together was more important than anything. And my podcast on couples activities is a great one to apply here.

So go back and listen to that one if you've not heard that. I talk about the seven couples activities that actually bring you closer. And that's a good one to listen to after this one, if that's something that's resonated with you. So number four, this is something I like to call mirror communication. This does not mean standing in front of your mirror at home and talking to yourself, right? I'm not crazy. I'm not recommending that, but this is how a conversation in a partnership or a friendship usually goes. I think this and field this, and then the other person says what they think and feel,

and you never truly felt seen, recognized, or heard or understood, and while the other person's talking, you're thinking about what you're going to say, and then when you're speaking, the other person's wondering about what they're going to say, so no one ever feels heard, recognized, seen or understood. It's one of the biggest challenges.

Now, I told you earlier what men had as their biggest issue with women, which was nagging, for women, their top complaint was that their spouse didn't validate their opinions or feelings enough, right? Or their partner didn't validate their opinions or feelings enough. Now, I genuinely think this is across gender the same thing. I don't think it's a one-way

thing. It's something that we all deal with, if not feeling seen, recognized, heard. So, one of the ways I want you to think about this, when you're having an important conversation with your partner, after they shared their point, don't interrupt them, but explain back to them what you've understood. So I don't want you to explain back the same words. I don't want you to say the exact same repetition. This is not a memory game, right? It's not a memory test. It's not about how many of you can remember

the exact 16 words that that person said. The actual question is, are you aware of how they feel? Can you understand what they were trying to say? It's not a memory test. It's a sensitivity test. Right? We think that communication is a memory game. Can I remember what someone said? Can I remember what someone did? No, it's not about memory. It's about sensitivity. So are you aligned with your partners emotions? Now the other partner can't judge if someone gets it wrong. If they think you got it wrong, they give you a chance to explain it again. So this is what happens. So when you explain how you feel, if the other person listens

and says, Hey, so let's let's take my wife's example. So my wife says to me, Jay, this is how you make me feel. Now it's my opportunity to say, Rade, this is what I'm getting. This is how I think you feel. And if I get it wrong, she doesn't judge me. She just goes, can you explain that again? I don't think you quite understood it or let her explain it again so that I can understand it more deeply. Now, this method called mirror communication

will transform the way you change because this is what happens, right? There are two challenges that play here. Articulation and assimilation. We expect our partners to understand us even though we explain things badly, right? We explain to read between the lines, we explain, we expect them sorry, to read between the lines, we expect them to understand things immediately. We also expect to be understood without taking time to understand, hence the biggest challenge being

articulation and assimilation. Mirror communication is where you mirror back what you believe the other person is feeling and thinking and going through by understanding what they're saying. If your patient and focused, this can be huge. The accuracy, quality, and productivity of this conversation increases every time you do this.

Now, the fifth one I wanted to share with you. It's something I like to call the five minute rule. This is a tough one, but works great if you both respect it. So often the person you love or your partner is calling you and is asking for your attention. And this could be when you're in between things or you're doing something, but let's say it's something really genuine and they really need your attention. If they're asking for something important, then use the five minute rule. You take a break from whatever you're doing for five minutes to let them share and explain.

Now, the rule can't be abused or misused either because you can't just use it whenever you want. So you realize that when you're gonna use this to get your partner's attention, that they're going to be really putting aside time for something important. So it can't be something like, hey, can you help me select an Instagram filter

or can you make me a sandwich right now? But it has to be a meaningful feeling or emotion. And after five minutes, both of you get to decide the best time to have a longer discussion about it without the pressure of doing it now. And it takes a bit of discipline because when you ask someone, hey, I've really been in five minutes of your time right now, if you're using that and abusing that a lot, then people start to say, well, let's talk about it this weekend or let's talk about it later on in the day. But if you use it when you really have something emotional or something important to talk

about, then you give the other person an opportunity to put aside what they're doing, but then also come back to it at a later stage. So the five minute rule, remember, that's one that people abused, but if used wisely, it can make a huge difference. Now, point number six, this is hard to say. I actually said this when I was interviewed by Jettipinketsmith and Willow and Adrian at the Red Table Talk, which was such an awesome experience that I had. And we were talking about relationships.

And this was one that I said then. I feel like it was definitely highlighted, but it's also one of those points that needs a bit of explanation. So I wanted to dive into it now. And this is it. When someone shows you their true colors, don't try to repaint them. We receive 11 million bits of information every second. We can only consciously process 40 bits out of 11 million. And so more than 99.99% of information is processed at the unconscious level. Now, this is more commonly spoken about and recruiting, but in my opinion, it massively affects our relationships as well, the halo effect.

This is an unconscious bias when one positive trait can affect our overall views on an individual. Like one thing can affect how we feel about that person. It can be their education, it can be their looks, it can be their wealth. One positive memory where they did something amazing. In the workplace, it can mean recruiting the wrong person. In life and relationships, it means allowing someone into your life and emotions. When someone shows you their true colors, don't try to repaint them.

People are showing you how they truly feel all the time through their actions and their words. But we have another version of them in our minds that we're holding on to and we're projecting onto them. So when you're seeing someone, you're not really seeing them, you're seeing your projection of who you want them to be and who you think they are. And it's so important to wipe away that mirage and that, you know, that mirage, that illusion of who you think they are, that you're projecting and accept them for who they truly are. So we have almost like this aspirational version of who we think someone is or who we want them to be, rolling on a projector screen while they're being themselves. So we don't want to pretend that they are

or try to make them something that is a projection of us. So the way to avoid this is to write down what you really need on a daily basis at an emotional level and see if a person genuinely fulfills at least 70% of it. No one, and I mean no one will fulfill 100%. But if someone is authentically, willingly genuinely trying and hitting 70%, you're one of the luckiest people in the world, right? We have to recognize this. You're never going to find someone who's in the world, right? We have to recognize this.

You're never gonna find someone who's completely emotionally perfect, like it doesn't exist. That's a really important lesson. Go back and listen to that one as well. Write that down for sure, because you wanna spot yourself projecting onto someone while they're sharing who they are.

Now here's number seven. This one is something that I've done regularly in my relationship. It's one of my favorite, favorite tools. It's called talk about your relationship and the relationship you want to create. It sounds strange, but it's super necessary. If we don't focus on growth, nothing will grow. When you commit or invest an hour on an ongoing basis to work on talking about your relationship. It's actually a really powerful way of being, this is what I'm struggling with. This is what's working. This is what's not. And again, you get an opportunity

to reaffirm what's working and redirect what's not working. So we get an opportunity to reaffirm what's working and redirect what's not working. So setting aside an hour every month, right? Setting aside that weekend every 30 days where you just talk about your relationship. Nothing grows if you don't grow, right? It just doesn't work. And this is a great way of making it happen. Number eight, leaving the past in the past. I remember I shared this in one of my earlier podcasts.

I've dated people where my past felt like my present because my ex couldn't get over my past that she was not a part of. And so often we make the past still feel like it's relevant and completely reality in the present moment. And if you've decided to forgive someone and move someone on from a mistake they've made, then you've got to be able to let go of the past, right? You're with someone's present and building a future, so you can't remind them of their past, and if you've decided to be with someone who you're not comfortable with their past,

whether it was to do with you or not to do with you, you've got to move on from that, if you've allowed them, otherwise you've got to move on from that if you've allowed them. Otherwise, you've got to move on from the relationship, but you either move on from their past or move on from their present, right? Those are the two choices. You either move on from their past or you move on from their present. And if you can't move on from someone's past, then there's only one choice because no one wants to be reminded of their past. It will be continuously draining to someone. And so we have to leave the past in the past

as definitely one of the best ways to move forward. Now, number nine, this is probably one of my favorite ones too. I've got, I'm saying that for everyone, aren't I? But I mean it, like I'm genuinely in love with a lot of these principles. And that's why I said they're the ones that have forgotten. Number nine, find something daily that makes someone feel loved.

Like what can you do every day? Is it cooking? Is it writing a note? Is it something small? Is it a message while that person's at work? Is it sending them a picture of both of you? Is it what can you do on a daily basis or on every other day or whatever it is? How can you show love regularly? How can you do on a daily basis or on every other day or whatever it is?

How can you show love regularly? How can you show it? Not just saying it, but showing it, noticing, recognizing. What can you do to do that on a daily basis? Because those tiny things add up in a massive way. You know, any big challenge in a relationship comes from the addition of lots of little ones. It never comes from a big place, right? It's lots of little movements that create a big

eruption in a relationship. And so being really, really careful about what can you do on a daily basis? What can that person do for you on a daily basis? And refining that, surprising, being spontaneous, those things really add up and make a difference. A number 10. This is another one that I hope really, really stands out and it's eating one meal together and, you know, sleeping at the same time.

I think these two things are huge. When you eat a meal together whether it's breakfast breakfast, lunch, or dinner, whatever is most practical, for those of you in long distance relationships, eating on face time together counts too, right? Not leaving you out, but when you eat a meal together, it's strengthens a bond. And when you sleep together at the same time, it strengthens a bond. It encourages you to be together more, encourages you to be physically present and therefore mentally present. So finding times in the day when you can do activities together on a regular basis,

I remember when we first moved to New York and then moved to LA, I promised that I would have dinner with my wife four out of seven days a week. Right? And I made a priority for it. I had to miss networking events, I had to miss parties, I had to miss meeting people. Whatever it took, because I knew that that was an important investment in our relationship. And it still stands today as an important investment in our relationship. So how can you sleep and eat together as a priority, as a commitment, because a simple act of having one meal together, sleeping at the same time, builds that physical proximity, which leads to mental emotional proximity as well.

So those are the 10 best relationship rules that are often forgot. A number one, admit when you're wrong or they're right. Number two, share hobbies and solo pursuits, right? Share hobbies and solo pursuits. Number three, never stop dating, but date differently. Number four, mirror communication. Number five, the five minute rule. Number six, when someone shows you their true colors, don't try to repaint them. Number seven,

talk about your relationship and the relationship you want to create. Number eight, leave the past in the past. Number nine, find something daily that makes someone feel loved. And number 10, one meal together, sleep together, right? Let go to sleep at the same time. So those are the 10 best relationship rules that are often forgotten. Pick your favorite ones that you're gonna practice right now. Post them across Instagram, and Twitter and Facebook,

and start doing them as well in your life, and see how your life changes, right? These are simple, practical steps that you can start doing right now. You don't need to buy anything. You don't need to invest in anything. You don't need to read anything. These are just simple things that you can start doing today to transform your relationship. Recreate that spark, bring back that energy that's always been there. You know, renew that enthusiasm and drive. These are the top 10 ways of getting that spark back in your life.

I can't wait for you to test them out. I can't wait for you to experiment with them, to implement them in your life and your daily routine. Thank you so much again for being here. I can't thank you enough. I hope you've taken notes, and I'm serious. I hope you've taken notes, and I hope you're gonna implement them starting today.

Make sure you share this with anyone in your network that you think it's gonna help. I promise you that going to implement them starting today. Make sure you share this with anyone in your network that you think it's going to help. I promise you that there are so many people out there. We're all in the same boat. We're all learning. We're all figuring things out. This is going to make a difference in someone's life. Pass it on. Thank you so much for listening. Really happy to have you here. Thank you so much for listening through to the end of that episode. I hope you're going to share this all across social media. Let people know that you're subscribed to on purpose. Let me know.

Post it. Tell me what a difference it's making in your life. I would love to see your thoughts. I can't wait for this incredibly conscious community we're creating of purposeful people. You're now a part of the tribe, a part of the squad. Thank you for being here. I can't wait to share the next episode with you. The world of chocolate has been turned upside down. A very unusual situation.

You saw the stacks of cash in an office. Chocolate comes from the cacao tree, and recently, Variety's cacao, thought to have been lost centuries ago, were re-discovered in the Amazon. There was no chocolate on Earth like this. Now some chocolate makers are racing deep into the jungle to find the next game-changing chocolate, and I'm coming along. OK, that was a very large crack it up. Listen to obsessions, wild chocolate, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever

you get your podcast. The Therapy for Black Girls podcast is your space to explore mental health, personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, and I can't wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday. Listen to the therapy for Black Girls podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Take good care. The one you feed explores how to build a fulfilling life admits the challenges we face.

We share manageable steps to living with more joy and less fear through guidance on emotional resilience, transformational habits, and personal growth. I'm your host, Eric Zimmer, and I speak with experts ranging from psychologists to spiritual teachers offering powerful lessons to apply daily. Create the life you want now. Listen to the one you feed on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.