On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 10 Steps on How To Set Boundaries Without Offending People

Episode Date: May 10, 2024

Are you struggling with setting your boundaries? Do you want to know how to respectfully tell others about your boundaries? Today, Jay questions the traditional notion that a "good person" is one who never says no. This outdated definition leads to a lack of boundaries, which ultimately harms personal well-being. By redefining what it means to be a good person, one can recognize the importance of investing in themselves and navigating difficult conversations. What does setting boundaries truly mean? They are defined not by what we want from others, but by what we need for ourselves. Jay explains that boundaries should not aim to control others but should protect the individual from their own triggers and provides practical advice on how to communicate boundaries effectively, suggesting the use of simple, clear statements without over-explanation. In this episode, you'll learn: How to set boundaries without feeling guilty How to NO effectively How to communicate boundaries clearly How to handle other people's reactions How to build confidence in setting boundaries Don't wait to reclaim your time, energy, and peace of mind—take control and become the assertive, self-respecting individual you deserve to be. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 01:31 Boundaries Are Often Tough to Set 03:45 #1: Redefine What Your Boundaries Are 09:05 #2: Clearly Communicate Your Boundaries 11:48 #3: Be Kind, Honest, and Empathetic to Other People’s Reaction 15:07 #4: You Subconsciously Sound Defensive When Setting Your Boundaries 17:53 #5: Plan a BufferSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty. Hey, everyone. Welcome Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the place you come to become happier, healthier, and more healed. Today's episode is all about how to set boundaries without offending people. Is that even possible? I'm going to be talking about it in this episode. And if you're someone who feels taken advantage of, either personally or professionally, maybe it's in your family and friend circle, or maybe it's at work, this episode is for you.

If you feel you're a people pleaser and you struggle with saying no, all you're ever doing is saying, yes, sure, I'll do it. I'm in. And in your heart and mind, you're thinking to yourself, how am I going to keep up with this? This episode is for you. If you're someone who over commits,

if you're someone who has no time left for yourself because you're spending it all on everyone else, this episode is for you. Now, let's be honest, boundaries are tough to set, especially with people you love, especially with people you're close to, right? We've been raised to want to be good people. And in our head, the definition of being a good person is someone who never says no, someone who always says yes, someone who's always available, someone who

everyone goes thanks for always being around, thanks for being so consistent, thank you for always being there. So our definition of what it means to be a good person is someone with no boundaries. I want you to really let that settle. I'm starting straight in, right? Like I want you to think about that. Our definition of what a good human being is, is someone who doesn't have boundaries. Because you want someone to say to you, thank you so much for always being around. You want to be that person that everyone likes, that everyone says, oh, you know, so and so, they're so helpful.

We want to be liked. We want to be considered significant, important, nice, kind. But in order to get that validation, we often break promises to ourselves. So our definition of what it means to be a good healthy human needs to change at the core because if it doesn't change, we end up thinking that now we're a bad human, right? Maybe you've even played around with boundaries.

Maybe you've even tried to set boundaries and when you did it, it didn't bad human, right? Maybe you've even played around with boundaries. Maybe you've even tried to set boundaries and when you did it, it didn't feel good, right? It felt so uncomfortable. It felt so not like you. And whenever it didn't feel like you, you then went back on it. You let it go because it felt so awkward, uncomfortable, difficult to maintain a boundary.

Maybe when you've tried to set a boundary in the past, someone put pressure on you. Someone tried to break your boundary. So this episode is dedicated to us figuring out how we can set better boundaries. How do we communicate those boundaries and how do we hopefully not offend people in the process? Now, the first thing I'd like to do is I'd like to redefine boundaries, just as we talked about redefining what it means to be a good human being. Right?

Like we do believe that a good human being knows how to invest in themselves. A healthy human being knows how to have parameters, knows how to navigate awkward uncomfortable conversations, that's what we'd aspire to be like. But we also have to redefine what boundaries are. Listen to this carefully. Boundaries are about what we need for ourselves, not what we want or don't want from others. Let me say that again. Boundaries are about what we need for ourselves, not what we want or don't want from others. So many times when people are speaking about boundaries, what they're really doing is setting rules that they want others to live by.

They're setting a list of to-dos for others to follow. They're setting a list of don'ts for others to stand by. This is a recipe for failure. If your boundary is about controlling someone else's actions or hoping, wishing, wanting, waiting for them to do something differently, that is pretty near impossible. The reason I say that is so many of us are setting boundaries that are like, next time this happens, can you please not do this? Next time this happens, can you not do this?

Now, I'm not saying that we shouldn't try that. I'm just saying that that doesn't really set a boundary because that's trying to set a boundary to protect you from someone else. And actually, a true boundary is protecting you from yourself. Let me say that again. We think boundaries are about protecting us from other people. The boundaries are actually about protecting ourselves from ourselves. We can't control anyone else's actions. We can control our own boundaries are to protect yourself from your own

triggers, not stop someone else from behaving a certain way, because you can't guarantee that. So let me give you an example of a boundary that may fail. I'm going to tell my friends to not invite me out after 8 p.m. Now, I may say that, but here's what will likely happen. Maybe they'll forget and they'll invite me anyway. Maybe they'll go out one day at 7.45 not invite me and then I'll fill some FOMO and feel well I wish they invited me. I said 8 not you know right it gets messy. But a healthy boundary is this, for example, if I get invited out on a weekday after 8 p.m., I'll decline.

You're protecting yourself, you're setting yourself up for something you can control, something you're in charge of. If my friends ask me to drink on a night out, I'll choose something non-alcoholic. Now, I've been in that place when I transitioned from drinking alcohol to not drinking alcohol. I remember struggling to tell my friends about my change. I did it fairly young and so I was scared about how I'd be perceived. I thought I'd be seen as someone who didn't fit in or someone who is different now.

And so it was really hard for me to tell them that. And what I realized was. If I set a boundary for them, they may forget or they may not forget, maybe they're drunk when they're asking me to have a drink, so they're not in their right state of mind. Right. It's not always going to be clear cut, but I need to set boundaries for myself. I remember when I made that transition, I started saying to a lot of my friends, hey, like, I'd love to go hang out in a restaurant. Let's avoid a club or a bar or whatever

it may be. That was a boundary I was setting that that's how I spent my time. So these are all if this, then that scenarios. What are your if scenarios, right? If I get invited out on a weekday, if my friends ask me to drink, if this happens, then that. What are your if scenarios that you find are leading to behaviors, are leading to behaviors that break boundaries

that you're trying to set. Maybe you're trying to follow a certain diet. Maybe you're trying to follow a certain workout. Maybe you're in a state right now where you're trying to choose going out instead of staying in or staying in instead of going out. What are your if scenarios and what is your solution? If this, then that. This is a great rule to make for your mind so that your mind doesn't have to look at every situation as unique and different.

So often if we just play it case by case and we don't set these rules for ourselves, we end up falling at the first hurdle. Now, the second thing I want to say is, sorry, I can't make it. Won't be possible for me this time. I have another commitment. These three are perfect sentences. They're all fully okay to communicate. What we often do when we're trying to communicate our boundaries is we often over explain and overcompensate thinking it helps. But often it opens a can of worms. Now, if you know someone really, really well, and you have a priority in your life, you should communicate that priority.

I hate you know what? From now on, I'm not really trying to go out after 8 p.m. on weekdays. I'm trying to get an early night. I'm trying to make sure that I get that sleep. I just wanted you to know that because I didn't want you to think I was a messaging you, right? That's a great, great thing to say.

But often what we do is we try and over explain and overcompensate for everything. So when instead of saying, sorry, I can't make it, we do one or two things. We don't say anything up until the last minute where we then say, sorry, I can't make it. And we feel terrible or we send a long winded explanation trying to justify our choice. Now, there's a difference between justifying your choice to yourself and communicating outwardly to someone else. Most of us are still trying to convince ourselves of our boundary. So we end up sending a message that sounds like something you should say

to yourself in your head that doesn't communicate effectively to someone out there. Right. Have you ever done that before? Where, like, for example, I'm just keep taking the same example because it's something I started with. But it's like I start saying, you know, I've realized that when I go out on a weekday night, I feel like I don't get good enough sleep. I feel like I don't work out the next day. I find like I end up eating things that aren't healthy for me.

And so I've realized that I need to stay in. Now that's your own thought process. And that may or may not be useful to someone else. Them knowing that you can't make it won't work out this time is probably enough. If they're a close friend, you may tell them about your principle. But sometimes what we end up saying sounds like we're preaching. It sounds like we're saying an opinion of what we believe. And now that person's thinking, yeah, I get that. But I actually love going out or whatever it may be, right?

And it triggers a whole conversation. And it often triggers something in them as well, where it sounds like you're saying something and then you're like, oh, no, no, I didn't mean it to you. I just want this for me. And then it goes on and on and on. Hey everyone, it's Jay here. My wife and I have had so much fun

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commitment to our wellness journey and striving to fuel our bodies with the healthiest ingredients, it's been our purpose to make healthy choices accessible for all. Which is why Juni is now on shelves at Target. So head to our store locator at drinkjuni.com and find Junie at a Target near you. Now the third point is really important here. How can you be honest, kind and this is the most

important part empathetic to their reaction. I think a lot of the times we think that we want others to fully understand our values, to fully understand our approach, to almost celebrate it. We want someone to say, wow, that's amazing. Good for you. And sometimes they may say, oh, you're such a bore. Right now, I'm not saying that that's a nice thing for someone to say. I'm not saying that I agree with that. I know that, you know, it's not comfortable hearing that. And again, I'm not telling you to tolerate someone's bad behavior.

But what I am saying is that it's OK to recognize that someone else has their own values about a similar situation. And often we can get so lost in light now being critical of someone's reaction that we're stealing a great time from ourselves. So many of us spend more time criticizing how someone behaves with us than creating opportunities to have a great time. How many times have you sat there, complained, criticized and compared instead of focusing on creating a great evening.

And I would encourage you to be empathetic and be open to the idea that people may not agree with you. That's very likely. Someone may debate you. That's very likely. And our expectation of what they should just understand is actually going to cause us more stress. So now I've started to realize I'm going to be honest, kind and empathetic

with my response, but I don't have an expectation of how I want that person to respond. I've realized that humans are just so complex. We're so layered, all of us, including me. And I have no idea what the context of this conversation is for that individual as they hear it. Even if I think I know them, I don't know what they went through right now at this millisecond and therefore because of I don't know what's happening in this particular second of their life, I'm going to be empathetic to how they process this And I'm not going to have an expectation on how they should have processed this or how I would process this.

We often do this thing where we project how we process things onto people. And when they don't act in that way, we're so surprised. We're thinking, well, why wouldn't you do that? That's what I would have done. They're not you and you're not them. If someone doesn't act in the way you would or the way you think they should, remember this, they're not you and you're not them. Most people are not you. Most people don't think exactly the way you do. We live in a world where everyone has a different context, has a different

background, has a different walk of life and because of that we have to be open to the idea that people behave in ways that we will never understand, never condone and never choose to act ourselves. Now, one of the reasons why we struggle with these conversations is when you try to say these things, you subconsciously sound defensive because you subconsciously feel defensive. And that's actually what gets communicated in your tone. You're scared of it being perceived negatively because you perceive it negatively. There's a part of you that still believes they're not going out, not

drinking, not eating, whatever it is that you're trying to practice. There's a part of you that believes it's not the right thing. There's a part of you that believes it's uncool, it's untrendy, it's fatty, it's whatever it is. There's a part of you that believes it's uncool, it's untrendy, it's faddy, it's whatever it is. There's a part of you that believes that and that's why you're scared to share it and that's why when someone actually says something about it, it triggers you because you felt it already. No one can trigger you if you don't have the button to press already, right? If that button doesn't exist on you, no one can press that button.

If someone can push that button, it means that that button exists. Get that? So we're trying to get it, like if you don't have an on and off button, you can't press it, right? Same with any trigger button. So here's an exercise, here are three questions that we need to internalize when we're

setting a boundary. We have to become more certain about our boundaries. They can't just be a rule that sounds good. They just can't be a list of things that we're going to follow. We have to actually think about them. The first question, what is the boundary protecting for you? Is it time? Why is time important? Why is that so precious? Is it a ideal that you're trying to practice? Is it a mindset you're trying to build? Why is that

important? So what is the boundary protecting for you? Not protecting from you, but protecting for you. And why is that so important? Why is that thing so important? Two more questions. What happens when you don't follow that boundary? What happens if you don't follow that boundary? Tomorrow you're gonna wake up, how are you gonna feel?

Fast forward, future pace. This is called fast forward or future pace. When you almost project yourself, beam yourself into the future and say, how will my future self feel about this? How do I know I'm likely to feel about this if I forego the boundary? When you find that bright spot

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Yay! And now let me do the opposite. How do I feel when I do follow through on the boundary? These three questions are a must for any of the big boundaries you want to set in your life. Now the next step is planning a buffer. A lot of the time when we finally set these boundaries, maybe you laminate your rules, right? You have them in your notes, whatever

you do for them. What ends up happening is someone will catch you off guard. Someone will surprise you. Someone will ask for something at the time you don't expect. And you'll be thinking, oh, I'm not ready for this, right?

I wasn't prepared for this. It's OK to ask for some time. It's okay to ask for some space. It's okay to say, yeah, let me get back to you. Let me think about that. Oh, thanks so much. I appreciate it. Yeah, let me get back to you in a couple of days.

It's so important to create that space for yourself and not feel pressure. And the best important to create that space for yourself and not feel pressure. And the best way to do it is, hey, I'll let you know in a couple of days, right? I'll actually let you try and set a deadline for yourself. I think often when we don't set a deadline, we never say anything and then that person does feel hurt and offended. And rightly so because they don't know what's going on inside your head. So it's okay to ask for some time to ask for some space. Now, we haven't addressed how to have that uncomfortable conversation.

And the more and more I speak to people personally or professionally, the more I hear how much we struggle with actually having these uncomfortable conversations, because we've never been prepared for them. We've never been trained for them. So here's a few tips to help. The first one is observing others do uncomfortable things. Right, observing real people do uncomfortable things

and comfortable things that we encourage that would be a good idea. Right, if you can sit in or you can watch someone in the workplace do something uncomfortable, it allows you to understand how it was done well and how it was done badly. Now if it was done well, our reactions usually I have no idea how you did that. And if you don't think it went well, you'd be thinking, I don't

know why you did that, right? Notice the difference. Your reaction when someone does something well is I have no idea how you did that. And when someone the difference. Your reaction when someone does something well is, I have no idea how you did that. And when someone didn't pull it off well, I don't know why you did that. So we've got to look out for those moments in our life when we're thinking, how did you do that? And often what we do is we put people on a pedestal. We just assume you're special, you're smart, you have some gift, you learn something. The truth is, it's a muscle that can be built.

It's a skill that can be trained. It's a skill that can be trained. It's a skill. It's a skill. It's a skill. The more and more I've realized in life, everything you admire in someone else is a skill. It's a skill that can be trained. It's a muscle that can be built. It's a life that you can live. We delude ourselves by making ourselves believe

that it's only possible for that person because of a certain set of circumstances, and we accept less for ourself. It's a skill that can be trained. So observing someone else do something uncomfortable. Ask them questions, even if you know they do it, maybe you haven't seen them do the interaction, ask them. Maybe you know someone who's had to have a lot of uncomfortable conversations

in their career, sit down and ask them what they've learned through that process, why they've done that, how it's helped them. Watch them do it if they let you watch them, but be curious about them. And then at one point we have to get to exposure therapy, right? We have to start exposing ourselves to small, tiny, simple actions of discomfort. Calling to cancel a dental appointment, calling to cancel a reservation at a restaurant, right? Declining an invite to a friend's birthday, right? Whatever it may be, like we need to expose ourselves to the smallest version of it and then allow it to scale.

Here's the harsh truth I have to share with you. People will be offended and that's OK. scale. Here's the harsh truth I have to share with you. People will be offended and that's okay. Use this as an opportunity to reset. A lot of the times people will say things like, oh, you used to always be around what happened. Oh, you always used to be so much fun. What happened? People will say things like that. Often we sit there and go, why are they saying things like that? It's we sit there and go, why are they saying

things like that? It's not bizarre. That's how people are. They get used to a certain pattern of you, and now they want that pattern to be your reality forever. Use that as an opportunity to reset, reset who you are and reset who you're around. Reset people's expectations of you, right?

We've all lived in the world of expectations. People have built up an expectation about you and maybe you've built up an expectation of someone else. And this is a really important point too. Who in your life has been trying to set a boundary with you and you've been irked by it? Who's tried to set a boundary with you and you've been irked by it?

So important to reflect on that, because by by the way this is happening both ways. There are people trying to set a boundary with me right now and I may be rejecting it. I'm not giving them the empathy that I would want and boundaries will adapt and that's okay. Boundaries will adapt, they'll change, they'll be flexible and you'll have to update people and they'll say Whoa, it sounds like you're changing every week right now They will say that Predicting what people will say will protect you from having the false expectation that they won't say it

Expect it, predict it, project it, know that it's gonna happen and therefore be prepared for it Thank you so much for listening to On Purpose. I hope that you'll pass this on to a friend who may be struggling with setting boundaries. And I want you to remember this. I am forever in your corner and I'm always rooting for you. Thanks for listening.

If you love this episode, you will also love my interview with Charles Duhigg on how to hack your brain, change any habit effortlessly, and the secret to making better decisions. Look, am I hesitating on this because I'm scared of making the choice because I'm scared of doing the work? Or am I sitting with this because it just doesn't feel right yet?

For Mental Health Awareness Month, I'm partnering up with the National Alliance of Mental Illness, NAMI. If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health, there is help. Call NAMI Helpline at 800 950 NAMI or go to www.nami.org forward slash help or text Helpline to 62640. For immediate 24 seven crisis support, call or text 988 or visit www.988lifeline.org. The Black Effect presents Family Therapy and I'm your host, Elliott Conning. Jay is the woman in this dynamic

who is currently co-parenting two young boys with her former partner, David. David, he is the leader. He just don't want to leave me. Well, how do you lead a woman in this dynamic who is currently co-parenting two young boys with her former partner David. David, he is a leader. He just don't want to leave me. But how do you lead a woman? How do you lead in a relationship? Like, what's the blue part? David, you just asked the most important question. Listen to Family Therapy on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. that Apple podcast or wherever you get your podcast. Hey everybody, welcome to Across Generations where the voices of black women unite.

I'm your host, Tiffany Cross. Tiffany Cross, join me and be a part of sisterhood, friendship, wisdom and laughter. We gather a seasoned elder, myself as the middle generation and a vibrant young soul for engaging intergenerational conversations, prepare to engage or hear perspectives that literally no one else has had.

Listen to Across Generations podcast on the iHeart radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. You don't put those inside of you, do you? This is a show about women. I mean, you do? Finally, a show about women that isn't just a thinly veiled aspirational nightmare. It's not hosted, not narrated. We're just dropping into a

woman's world. I found out when my dad was gay when I was 10, we were in a convertible on the 405 freeway listening to the B-52s. Looking back, I should have said, this is gay. This is already all gay. Listen to Finally a Show on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.