On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 3 Ways to Know How Long it Takes to Fall in Love

Episode Date: April 26, 2019

How long should it take to fall in love?Is what you’re experiencing the real thing or is it just infatuation?Whether you have just started dating someone and felt love immediately or if you’ve been in a relationship for a long time and still aren’t sure where it’s going, here are 3 ways to find out how long it might take for you to truly fall in love with someone.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Munga Shatekler and it turns out astrology is way more widespread than any of us want to believe. You can find it in major league baseball, international banks, kpop groups, even the White House. But just when I thought I had a handle on this subject, something completely unbelievable happened to me and my whole view on astrology changed. Whether you're a skeptic or a believer, give me a few minutes because I think your ideas are about to change too. Listen to Skyline Drive on the iHeart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your

podcasts. I am Dr. Romani and I am back with season 2 of my podcast, Navigating Narcissism. This season we dive deeper into highlighting red flags and spotting a narcissist before they spot you. Each week you'll hear stories from survivors who have navigated through toxic relationships, gaslighting, love bombing and their process of healing. Listen to navigating narcissism on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Eva Longoria.

And I'm Mateo Gomes-Rajon. We're so excited to introduce you to our new podcast, Hungry for History. On every episode, we're exploring some of our favorite dishes, ingredients, beverages, from our Mexican culture. We'll share personal memories and family stories, decode culinary customs, and even provide a recipe or two for you to try at home.

Listen to Hungry for History on the I Heart Radio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. So it's natural that when you first meet someone, the stage that you're at is attraction and that's great to be attracted to someone is awesome. Just don't take that for love, just don't take that for eternity and making a big life decision. Don't make a long-term decision based on a temporary emotion. [♪ Music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in background, music playing in one health and wellness podcast in the world. Genuinely so happy that you're back here twice a week for new episodes. And thank you for all the love you show me on these solo episodes.

If you have ideas for topics, feel free to tag me on Instagram and I'll be on the lookout. And if you haven't already seen, I share a lot of your insights and quotes from the podcast. So make sure you're sharing whatever you're learning, whichever podcasts are standing out to you, share those on Instagram, share them on Twitter, tag me, and I'll definitely be taking note. So today's theme is something that I think is super, super relevant to so many of us. Today's theme is how long does it take to fall in love? And I'm sure all of you have asked yourself this question at times, whether you're in a relationship or whether you're not in a relationship or whether you're just starting to date someone, I'm sure that's crossed your mind.

How long does it take to fall in love? What does it mean to fall in love? How do you know when you've fallen in love? And all of those other questions that we try and unpack when we're in the middle of these situations. Now, I'm sure you can relate. I have friends that literally decided they would be together forever after their first date. We all know someone like that, we all have a friend like that.

And then I have friends that have been together for like nine, ten, eleven years and they're still not sure. Right? Have you heard of that before where you've got some friends in your life? They've been together for such a long time, and they may say I love you,

but if you really talk to them, they'd say, well, I don't know you. I don't know if they're the one. I don't know if I love them fully. Now, not everyone has the love at first sight, according to People magazine, Prince Harry told the press, Outside Kensington Palace, on Monday, according to People magazine, Prince Harry told the press outside Kensington Palace on Monday, November 27, 2017, that he knew Meghan Markle was

the one for him the moment he first met her. Now that's like a dream, Prince charming moment and all the rest of it, but real life for most of us is us spending time in that space of trying to figure it out. And I'm sure you've experienced the same in your circles, or maybe you're dating someone right now and wondering, when do I know? So I obviously don't have the exact number or answer. It's not like a time limit, or it's not like a clock.

But I can give you a few things to reflect on. And that's really my belief that what we need are guidelines and reflections that help us introspect and ask the right questions of ourselves. I fully trust and believe that as you're listening to me right now, you know the right answer deep inside your heart and all I'm helping you do is uncover it, unravel it and discover it. So if you're ready for it now, I'm going to give you my three ways to figure out

how long it takes you to fall in love. Now, the first thing you have to recognize is everyone is different. So when we hear these metrics from people, whether they fall in love in one week or two weeks or a weekend or seven months or 27 years, however long it took, the point we have to realize all our timing is different. All of our clocks are different. And that's the first point that we have to recognize. You can't look at someone else's love life, someone else's love timeline, and expect it to work out the same for you.

So when people say things like, oh, we knew each other in three months. Oh, we'd figured it out in seven months. Oh, you know, by two years we were already doing this. That's just this false pressure that's going to weigh over you. And if anything, it's going to make your relationship far more inconsistent. It's going to make your relationship awkward. It's going to make you feel like things aren't clear. And it could complicate things with you and your partner or a potential partner if you

start putting those artificial pressures onto your relationship. If you're always forcing yourself to fall in love or trying to fall in love because you don't feel in love as quickly as you think you should, press pause, relax, it's much better to think about it long-term. This approach that I'm sharing is so you don't get hurt. If you prefer learning through pain, then go for it. Dive in by all means. But I think it's smart to approach something like love with a bit more heart, with a bit more thought and a bit more mindfulness. Here's that way. This is tip and point number two. There's a big difference between being attracted to someone, knowing someone, and then knowing

you're in love and they're the one. But we often just throw all of those things totally together into a massive ball not knowing which stage we're at. But those are the three stages. Being attracted or not, stage one, this includes their personality and their looks. Then getting to know them, which is stage two, is more about their character, their dreams and their values. And then finally knowing they're the one, which requires a lot more time.

Think about these three stages in your life, and think about how often you've just mixed all of these up and thought that one met the other. Often we meet someone that was just so attracted to them which is like, oh, they must be the one. I've got to be with that person for the rest of my life. Or you meet someone and you're like, oh, I know them so well. Maybe it's a friend you've known for a while and you're like, oh, maybe that's why it will work.

Know that these are just three separate stages that naturally grow and evolve, but you can't use one of them as the defining factor. Of course, you can have strong feelings for someone very quickly, often that's just lost infatuation and attraction, which can feel a lot like love in the beginning. Time helps you understand whether that's what you're truly feeling. Or are you just feeling like that about someone else every week? I used to know this one guy who literally used to come up to me every single week and tell me he had fallen in love with another girl. It would be another girl on Instagram. It would be

another girl that he knew. It would be another girl that he bumped into and it'd be completely infatuated for the whole week. It'd be obsessed with one girl. And the next week it would be someone else. Now, that's not love, by the way, right? That's not possible with love at all. Attraction, yes. Infatuation, yes. Last, yes. But definitely not love.

It's also important to note that if someone has told you they love you, it doesn't mean you have to say it back instantly. It's okay to take your time. And don't let someone promise love. Be patient for them to prove it. I'm going to say that again and I want you to take note of that. Don't let someone promise you love. Be patient and let them prove it. Hearing about love gets us excited. The dopamine starts rushing through. We feel this sense come over us and we feel excited and enthralled. But experiencing love is far more meaningful. Don't just get excited by hearing it. Focus on experiencing it. Not just through intentions, but actions. And it's really important to remember this.

People with good intentions make promises. People with good character keep them. This is the biggest mistake where we fall for what someone's saying rather than what they're doing and acting and behaving. I'm Eva Longoria. I'm Mateo Gomez-Rajón. We're so excited to introduce you to our new podcast, Hungry For History! On every episode, we're exploring some of our favorite dishes, ingredients, beverages,

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Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Mungeshia Tickler and to be honest, I don't believe in astrology, but from the moment I was born, it's been a part of my life. In India, it's like smoking. You might not smoke, but you're going to get secondhand astrology. And lately, I've been wondering if the universe has been trying to tell me to stop running and pay attention. Because maybe there is magic in the stars if you're willing to look for it. So I rounded up some friends and we dove in and let me tell you, it got weird fast.

Tantric curses, majorly baseball teams, canceled marriages, K-pop! But just what I thought I had to handle on this sweet and curious show about astrology, my whole world can crash down. Situation doesn't look good. There is risk too far. And my whole view on astrology, it changed. Whether you're a skeptic or a believer, I think your ideas are going to change too. Listen to Skyline Drive and the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast,

wherever you get your podcasts. So it's natural that when you first meet someone, the stage that you're at is attraction, and that's great to be attracted to someone is awesome. Just don't take that for love, just don't take that for eternity and making a big life decision. Don't make a long-term decision based on a temporary emotion. Remember that, don't make a long-term decision based on a

temporary emotion. So when you're attracted to someone, whether it's their looks, their personality, whatever it may be, ask yourself what type of attraction is it? And all of our intentions, all of our attractions are only in one of these five areas. Physical, financial, mental, emotional, or spiritual. And this is true for friends, it's true for partners, it's true for work, it's true for colleagues. You can actually apply this to every area of your life. Ask yourself, why are you attracted to someone?

Is it purely physical? Is it just I want them? Is that the feeling? I just want them right now. Financial, is it? I like what they have. How many times have you ever been impressed by someone because of what they have, the car they drive, the home they have? Is that what's the winning factor when you're becoming attracted to someone? The third thing, mental. Maybe you feel inspired by them, or actually maybe in some way you want to be them. Are you impressed by someone's mental abilities by their intellectual prowess? Are you impressed by how fast they can process something? Are you just fascinated by someone's mind? That's a different type of attraction. Number four, emotional.

Are you just needy? Are you just lonely? Remember, you don't find someone when you're lonely, you find someone when you're ready. Right, you don't find someone when you're needy, well, you don't find the right person when you're needy. You find the right person when you're ready. And so, emotional is the only person when you're ready. And so emotional

is the only reason why you're attracted to that person because you think they're going to fill some emotional gap. And the fifth intention or fifth reason you can be attracted to someone is spiritual. You have the same goals. You have the same purpose. The same thing is mattered to you. And that takes a bit longer to figure out. So asking yourself your reason for attraction is going to give you self awareness on where this is really going, where this is going to end up. And so many of us really it's just at the physical level and we end up over committing because we've got physical somewhere. We think it has to evolve and turn into a relationship.

Sometimes it's just financial. You're just like what they have, what they drive, what they wear. That doesn't evolve into a real relationship unless you go beyond that intention. Same with mentor. If you feel inspired by them or to be them, they may not be the best partner. See, all of these intentions are fine. All of them are great and all of them are absolutely normal. But you have to go beyond them in order to know whether you love someone. Knowing your reason gives you more clarity around whether this is a real relationship

or just a moment's thought. According to experts, to figure out why we're attracted to someone and if we're attracted to someone, it takes just three days or three days. It's actually a quick thing that we can figure out. And so many of us spend way more time over analyzing this space, overthinking it, procrastinating, figuring it out, when actually our initial sense of the vast three to five days can give us everything we need to know.

Now, I want to talk about the second stage that I've presented here, which is getting to know someone. here which is getting to know someone. Getting to know someone is getting to know them in different environments with different emotions and at different energy levels. Look, you have to listen to this. Everyone is going to get tired. Everyone is going to have a bad day. These are normal emotional responses to everyday life. The question is, if you never see the person in this state, you just expect them to be happy, well dressed and enthusiastic all the time, like they are on dates, like they are on date night, like they're off of meals out, whatever it may be. But the truth is, everyone's going to get tired.

Everyone's going to get stressed. Everyone's going to have a tough day at work. You can't expect the person you day to be happy all the time. And you can't think you know them. And when they're not the way you knew them on a day, you can't say, oh, you've changed or you're different because there are multiple sides and facets to everyone. So if you really want to get to know someone, go and see someone after a busy and stressful day for yourself and them. Go and see each other in different scenarios and situations. Do a class, a game, and activity together

to see their reality come out. So you're only going to know someone when you get to know them as a whole person. Not just who they are on date night. It's so important that getting to know someone is accelerated through multiple experiences, multiple environments, multiple emotions, and seeing how you both respond to stress, fatigue, anger, communication issues, conflict. fatigue, anger, communication issues, conflict. That's how you get to know someone. You can't skip this stage.

If you wanna skip from lust to love without learning, which is this stage right here, it's just not going to happen. You can't just skip from lust to love. You have to learn about the other person. It's such an important step, which is often missed, ignored or neglected. So point one was making sure that you don't want to be rushed by anyone else's timelines,

just because someone fell in love on one date, one day, one year, one month, or one week, that should not infer whether your love life is good or bad. The second point is recognizing there are these three stages to falling in love. The first is attraction, the second is getting to know someone, and the third is actually deciding that they're the right person for you. You can't skip a step, you can't make it up, you have to figure it out and let it evolve naturally. Not too long ago, in the heart of the Amazon Rainforest, this explorer stumbled upon something that would change his life.

I saw it and I saw, oh wow, this is a very unusual situation. It was cacao, the tree that gives us chocolate. But this cacao was unlike anything experts had seen, or tasted. I've never wanted us to have a gun bite. I mean, you saw the stacks of cash in our office. Chocolate sort of forms this vortex.

It sucks you in. It's like I can be the queen of wild chocolate. We're all lost. It was madness. It was a game changer. People quit their jobs. They left their lives behind, so they could search for more of this stuff.

I wanted to tell their stories, so I followed them deep into the jungle, and it wasn't always pretty. Basically, this like disgruntled guy and his family surrounded the building armed with machetes. And we've heard all sorts of things that you know somebody got shot over this. Sometimes I think all all this for a damn bar of chocolate. Listen to obsessions, wild chocolate, on the iHeartRad Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. In the 1680s, a feisty opera singer burned down a nunnery and stole away with her secret lover.

In 1810, a pirate queen negotiated her cruiseway to total freedom, with all their loot. During World War II, a flirtatious gambling double agent helped keep D-Day a secret from the Germans. What do these stories have in common? They're all about real women who were left out of your history books. If you're tired of missing out, check out the Womanica podcast, a daily women's history podcast highlighting women you may not have heard of, but definitely should know about. I'm your host Jenny Kaplan, and for me, diving into these stories

is the best part of my day. I learned something new about women from around the world and leave feeling amazed, inspired, and sometimes shocked. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, it's Debbie Brown, and my podcast, Deeply Well, is a soft place to land on your wellness journey. I hold conscious conversations with leaders and radical healers and wellness and mental health around topics that are meant to expand and support you on your journey. From guided meditations to deep conversations with some of the world's most gifted experts in self-care, trauma, psychology, spirituality, astrology, and even intimacy. Here's where you'll pick up the tools to live as your highest self.

Make better choices, heal, and have more joy. My work is rooted in advanced meditation, metaphysics, spiritual psychology, energy healing, and trauma informed practices. I believe that the more we heal and grow within ourselves, the more we are able to bring our creativity to life and live our purpose, which leads to community impact and higher consciousness for all beings. Deeply well with Debbie Brown is your soft place to land, to work on yourself without

judgment, to heal, to learn, to grow, to become who you deserve to be. Deeply well is available now on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts. Big love. Namaste. And the third thing I want to share with you, of knowing whether you're in love, is giving you some real-life stats and data on how people have been figuring it out. Now, I know first step was making sure that you don't use other people's benchmarks to

let you know whether yours is right or wrong. Here what I'm trying to do is just share some trends that can be seen so that you can use them as a reflection point. Number one, positive thinkers fall in love faster. You heard it right. If you ever been to one of those festivals, if you ever been to one of those retreats, and you thought you fall in love because everyone was positive vibes, positive thinking, live love laugh, then that's where it happens. Positive thinking can increase how much love you have for your partner for several reasons. If on Thomas is a PhD, LA-based psychologist. First of all, if you're already thinking positively in general,

you're much more likely to notice and appreciate those qualities in your partner that you love, rather than take these characteristics for granted or overlook them. Also, if you typically tend to engage in positive thinking, you're likely to be a more open-hearted person in general, as well as towards your partner, then someone who tends to be a more of a negative or cynical thing. So if you're one of these people, the biggest mistake you can make is you don't do stage two. You don't get to learn about your partner's weaknesses.

You don't get to learn how they respond to your weaknesses. You don't ever experience any other emotion with them, and you just turn a blind eye and you're just saying, oh, I'm one of these people that just sees the good in everyone. That's great. That's a great quality and a great skill, but you can see the good in everyone, but you have to work through the bad together.

It's good to see the good, but always work through the bad. Seeing the good doesn't mean but always work through the bad. Seeing the good doesn't mean you can just neglect the bad. Seeing the good doesn't mean that you just forget about the bad, because guess what? It's going to erupt at one point. It's going to have to come up. According to a study in the Journal of Psychology, men fall in love faster than women.

I know what you're thinking. Jay, what do you want? I don't agree with you. That makes no sense. But this is the journal of social psychology. And let me explain. Stay with me. This study also found that they expressed it faster.

But some experts think this might be due to men making quicker decisions, rather than actually falling in love. That's the thing. It's very different. Rachel Needle, a licensed psychologist, says, generally men are seen as less emotional and may not question their emotions as much as women do. Listen carefully.

On the other hand, women are often more likely to analyze their feelings and hesitate before saying, I love you. Therefore, a man might not actually be in love, but will say it when the feelings are strong and believes that he is. And despite what much of media and society claims, many men do desire meaningful connections and relationships.

They might sometimes fall harder faster, but there's no telling how long that feeling will last. And that's why it goes back to that point I raised earlier. Making sure that someone is proving it through their actions, not just their intentions from their words, and making sure that today, all of these roles are mixed as well. We might find men and women acting in different ways. These are just some of the trends that have been there over the last few years.

One of the ways in which to accelerate the getting to know someone's process is something known as reciprocal escalating self-disclosure. That's kind of a long fancy term that social scientists use. Let me explain what they mean by that. Once each reveals some vulnerabilities to one another, if it all went well, you feel comfortable and you can reveal even more vulnerability. That's when you really start to get to know that person. It goes beyond what they want you to know and it becomes what you need to know that person. It goes beyond what they want you to know, and it becomes what you need to know.

See, we all have parts of us that we want people to know about, and then we all have parts of us that we want to hide. And in a long-term relationship, in a relationship that really has to evolve into love, it needs to switch from what we want people to know to what they need to know. They need to know about our past tragedies. They need to know our past challenges.

It may be some childhood trauma. All of that at the right time, at the right level of trust, needs to be discussed in order to create reciprocal escalating self-disclosure, which basically means more vulnerability. Feeling understood, feeling validated is something that people like, and they like it so much it might even lead to love. And I thought we might as well talk a bit about marriage. A new study called Married People and found that on average it took them just 172 days to decide they wanted to get hitched. That's about six months and it's less time

the scientists found than most people estimate they'll need before making that big call. Surveyed singles told the researchers that they'd need about 210 days to make up their minds about their potential sutures. His team study, which was conducted on 2,000 couples and uncoupled people,

dealt deeper into how long it takes to make decisions. Participant told researchers that it took five bad interactions before they realized they disliked someone, but the data suggests that three bad impressions is enough to decide and say thank you next. And now let's touch on the honeymoon period. When you're in love, you don't want to hear about it because you're like, we're in love, there is no honeymoon period. And then you figure out the hard way. And when you're not in love, you're telling your friends, hey, you're in love, you don't want to hear about it. Because you're like, we're in love. There is no honeymoon period. And then you figure out the hard way. And when you're not in love, you're telling your friends,

hey, you're just in honeymoon period. Watch out. But the truth is, most of us ignore it either way. After the three-month honeymoon period, people tend to let down their guards and you begin to get the reality of that person and how they deal with the good, the bad, and the ugly. The truth is, and this is really where it's at,

people are constantly showing you who they are. Just be aware of it. Be aware of their behaviors. People are always showing you their true colors. Don't try and repaint them. It doesn't make sense. We're always trying to make people look like sound like and feel like the people we want them to be, rather than taking them as they are. And ultimately, the third and final step is the deeper you know yourself, the easier it is to know if you love

someone. You can't find someone to compliment you if you don't know yourself. What color complements an unknown color? I know you're tempted to say black or white because they kind of go with everything, but the answer is neither. You can't compliment a color. You don't know exists. And so if you don't know yourself, if you don't know your likes and dislikes, if you don't know what you want from life, if you don't know what your goals are, if you don't know what you're passionate about, if you don't know what's meaningful, if you don't know what's purposeful, if you're not know what you're passionate about, if you don't know what's meaningful, if you don't know what's purposeful, if you're not aware of who you are

and where you wanna go and who you want to be, you can't really make a decision on whether you love someone or not, because you don't know what version of you they're seeing. You don't know what version of you they're experiencing. Thank you so much for listening today's episode of On Purpose. I'd love for you to take

your best quote, your best insight, the best stat. Post on social media, share this episode with all your friends. I hope it's been useful to help you figure out how you know if you love someone. Remember the three stages, they really make it simple. Know it, stage your at, and then let it naturally grow and evolve. Make sure you subscribe to this podcast, make sure you've rated and reviewed as well. I love reading all your incredible reviews about how much this podcast has helped you in so many different ways. We now have over 3,500 reviews. I'd love for you to add your review as well.

Thank you so much for listening. I'm so grateful. See you next week. Thank you so much for listening through to the end of that episode. I hope you're going to share this all across social media. Let people know that you're subscribed to on purpose. Let me know, post it, tell me what a difference it's making in your life, I would love to see your thoughts. I can't wait for this incredibly conscious community we're creating of purposeful people. You're now a part of the tribe, a part of the squad. Thank you for episode with you. I'm going to explore the relationship between our brains and our experiences by tackling unusual questions.

Like, can we create new senses for humans? So join me weekly to uncover how your brain steers your behavior, your perception, and your reality. Listen to Intercosmos with David Eagleman on the I Heart Radio app Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. When my daughter ran off to hop trains, I was terrified I'd never see her again, so I followed her into the train yard. This is what it sounds like inside the box car.

And into the city of the rails, there I found a surprising world, so brutal and beautiful that it changed me, but the rails do that to everyone. There is another world out there, and if you want to play with the devil, you're gonna find them there in the rail yard. Undenail Morton, come with me to find out what waits for us and the city of the rails. Listen to City of the Rails on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.

Or, cityoftherails.com. The one you feed explores how to build a fulfilling life admits the challenges we face. We share manageable steps to living with more joy and less fear through guidance on emotional resilience, transformational habits, and personal growth. I'm your host, Eric Zimmer, and I speak with experts ranging from psychologists to spiritual teachers, offering powerful lessons to apply daily. Create the life you want now. Listen to the one you feed on the I Heart Radio App, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts.