On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 4 Differences Between Toxic Vs Healthy Relationships and 6 Steps to Make the Shift no Matter Where You Are in Your Journey

Episode Date: August 25, 2023

Relationships often start with a spark, but how do you keep that spark alive without getting burnt? It's a common question that many couples face as they navigate the complexities of maintaining a healthy and deep relationship. Today, we will look deep into seeing the differences between a toxic and a healthy relationship and uncover the ways to build a lasting one. Every relationship is different - but understanding these four different toxic traits that are common in relationships will help you move away from something that is not serving you.  Moving to a healthy relationship when you’re coming from a toxic one is difficult but finding the courage to do so is a crucial step towards your emotional well-being and personal growth.  In this episode, you'll learn: How to prioritize healthy love over perfection How to embrace each other’s unique identities How to avoid over-reliance and codependence How to practice transparent communication Hope that this guides you through a more healthy and happy relationship!  With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 02:32 What is the real definition of healthy vs. unhealthy love? 03:56 Toxic Trait #1: Over-reliance on one person - Do you go to your partner for everything that you need? 11:41 Toxic Trait #2: The idea of trying to change someone -  We try to change our partners to be like us but have we ever thought about letting them be them and we be ourselves? 16:36 Toxic Trait #3: Playing games - Are you pursuing peace with your partner or are you pursuing power over your partner? 22:20 Toxic Trait #4: Losing your own identity - Don’t sacrifice your interests and independence for a relationship Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Our 20s are often seen as this golden decade. Our time to be carefree, make mistakes, and figure out our lives. But what can psychology teach us about this time? I'm Gemma Speg, the host of the psychology of your 20s. Each week we take a deep dive into a unique aspect of our 20s, from career anxiety, mental health, heartbreak, money, and much more to explore the science behind our experiences. The psychology of your 20s hosted by me, Gemma Speg. Listen now on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. What do a flirtatious gambling double agent in World War II? An opera singer who burned down an honorary to kidnap her lover, and a pirate queen who walked free with all of her spoils

haven't come in. They're all real women who were left out of your history books. You can hear these stories and more on the Womanica podcast. Check it out on the I Heart Radio appio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen. At the start, we want someone who keeps us at the edge of our seats. A long term, what we really want is someone that we can get cozy with on the couch, right? It's so interesting, right? Well, you want in a relationship, as Netflix and Cho, you want to be able to hang back, be lazy, be cozy on the couch, but you're setting your relationship up to be always nail biting at the edge of the sea.

But that isn't what you're trying to build, that isn't what you're trying to grow. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to listen learn and grow Thank you so much to everyone who's subscribing who's leaving reviews It's making a huge difference to new listeners finding us connecting with us And it means the world to me that you're taking time to do that. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you Thank you. I cannot express my gratitude enough. I want to dive into today's topic because the amount of friends I've had in the last

couple of weeks, couple of months that have been talking to me about the challenges they've had in relationships, a lot of toxic behavior, unhealthy traits and characteristics. And I'm sure, as you're listening right now, if you haven't been through this, you have a friend who's gonna need to listen to this. And I hope that you'll pass this one on because so many of us are suffering for longer than we need to. So many of us are making choices that are not great for us

or are struggling to make a choice that would actually help us. And often I find that people stay in toxic, difficult relationships for longer than they need to. By the way, this even applies to work. If you think about how long someone takes to actually quit their job or move on or ask for a promotion, it's usually six to 12 months longer than it actually needs to be. How many times have you been in a relationship where you felt like leaving, but you stayed for another six to 12 months only to feel the same way throughout that entire period? So whether this is about you finding the right person, a genuine connection with an individual, or whether this is helping you move away

from something or someone that isn't serving you, I really hope that it gives you the courage and strength to make the decisions that you need in order to move towards healthy love. Now, I wanna talk about this term, healthy love, because I think for a long time, we talked about the one, we talked about the right person, we talked about the wrong person, we talked about,

you know, your soulmate. And I like the word healthy love because it makes us believe that it's positive, it's good. But when we know that there's healthy love, we also accept that there may be parts of it that are unhealthy, right we know that there's healthy love, we also accept that there may be parts of it that are unhealthy, right? If you have a healthy dire, you know that's because you're choosing the things that are good for you, which is the same with healthy love. It's about choosing the habits, the traits, the personality type, that is good for

you in a relationship that doesn't mean there are not unhealthy parts to it That doesn't mean there are not uncomfortable parts to it And so I like to move away from this idea of the perfect one or the one or the soulmate or you know the right person because That kind of makes us believe that there's this ready-made person off the shelf us believe that there's this ready-made person off the shelf, almost like a kindle or a Barbie doll that is perfect as it is in its casing. Whereas healthy love means, oh, I have to make choices. We have to make decisions. We have to actually create healthy habits in order to have a healthy relationship. So today I wanna talk about the differences and how to actually develop them and build them

and grow them. And I wanna start off by talking about the toxic trait of overreliance on one person for everything, that the one person is the only person you go to for all your needs. So that works in one of two ways. Either you're the person that your partner goes to for all of their needs, or you're the person who goes to your partner for all of your needs. And I've found that this is being one of the most challenging things in a relationship.

Now, if your partner comes to you for all of their needs, often that can actually be quite fun in the beginning because you start to feel powerful, you start to feel needed, you start to feel useful and who doesn't want to feel useful, who doesn't want to feel like they have all the answers. We all enjoy that idea that our partner is dependent on us in the beginning because it feels like we have something to offer, boosts our self-esteem, it gives us the ego boost and it gives us the sense of power and control.

And so what's really interesting is that we do it for the first month. We may even do it for the first couple of months. And then afterwards our energy starts to drain and we think, wait a minute, this person is just relying on me to carry them. We're just being completely relied on to carry the relationship. And then we may push back.

We may have an honest conversation. And now the other person is feeling, wait a minute, but I showed you that from the beginning and you gave me the space and now you're taking it away. It almost feels like you're hijacking what you first offered to this individual. And that person now is feeling hard done by. You're now upset because you feel like you've been used

and everything falls on you. And then now upset because you feel like you've been used and everything falls on you. And then our upset because they said, well, wait a minute, you did it at the start why you're not doing it right now. How many of you have ever been in this position before? I'm guessing there's a fair few of you. Now, what are you doing in that situation? In that situation, if you're already there and you're like, well, Jay, I wish I knew that before, I started setting a precedent. I started, started setting a standard. If you've already set the standards,

it's about setting a new standard. And this is a great relationship tool. I think one of the things that we don't do enough in relationships, whether we're dating, whether you're committed, whether you're married, whatever it may be in a long-term relationship, is resetting agreements, resetting standards, and redefining where you're at and how you work on things.

I think we often go to, well, we've always done it that way. It's been like that since we started dating. You've been the same person. I'm the same person. We say things like that, not realizing that there's always growth going on, and there's a need to reestablish boundaries, reestablish agreements. And this is a great opportunity to do that. Now, if you're in a position where you are the one who takes all your problems to them, maybe you're the one who has struggled with finding people in your life

to help you grow. And now when you've found this person, you're saying to yourself, I'm just going to go to them for everything. Oh my gosh, they're so smart. Oh my gosh, they're so strong. Oh my gosh, they're so self aware. And all of a sudden you get so consumed and wrapped up in this person that they become your be all and end all. Maybe you're in that position right now. If you are in that position, here's what I want you to think about. I want you to take a moment to just close your eyes for a second. Of course, if you're driving, do not do this. If you're cooking, do not do this. Take a moment to do it afterwards. And if you can't close your eyes, you could do this with your eyes open. But here's what I want you to do.

and if you can't close your eyes, you could do this with your eyes open. But here's what I want you to do. Take a moment to think of who's the first person who comes to your mind when you think of the most caring person in the world towards you. Someone who cares about you the most, they're nurturing, they have that supportive, compassionate disposition towards you.

They all only care about your health and well-being. Who's the first person that comes to your mind? The person that cares about you the most? Chances are it isn't even the person that you're with. That's not a bad thing. Often people think, well, my partner should be that person, but they might not be. There may be someone who trumps them,

there may be someone who's done it for longer. Remember this person. Okay, second reflection. Who is the most consistent person in your life? Someone who's always been there for you? Someone who's always been by your side. Maybe they've lived life with you for a long long time. They've been consistent. Maybe you went to school together. Maybe you grew up together. They're not the most caring person in your life,

but they are the most consistent. They're always around when you need them, and chances are that isn't your partner either. Now think about an area of your life you may be struggling, or you may have questions, and who's the most competent person? Who's someone who you know is great at getting their taxes done, right? There are counts. Who do you know who's really great at fitness and health in your circle? Who do you know that's really organized and focused and driven

towards their goals. It doesn't have to be your partner, your partner may be that, but who else comes to mind? And finally, who's someone that comes in terms of high character, someone who's always living with the right morals and ethics, someone that you go to for more spiritual inner guidance, someone in your life who carries

them in a certain way. These are the four types of people that create our counsel for life, the caring one, the consistent one, the competent one, and the one with character. There may have been different faces that came to your mind for all of them. Some of these people you may already know and have all of them. Some of these people, you may already know and have a relationship with some of these people, you may have had one with before and you need to re-engage with, but it's so important. It's so needed for us to develop a council around us

instead of depending on one person for everything. If we create an overdependence on one person for everything. If we create an over-dependence on one person, we have to live with feeling completely alone if and when they ever leave, or if we feel like leaving them. So many of us stay with people who are not good for us because of how scared we will feel or how bad we will feel being alone. So many of us stay with people that are not good for us because we're scared of how bad we'll feel if we're left alone. And the only way to overcome that is to create this council

and to not lose it at any point in your relationship. Our 20s are seen as this golden decade. Our time to be carefree, full in love, make mistakes and decide what we want from our life. But what can psychology really teach us about this decade? I'm Gemma Spagg, the host of the psychology of your 20s. Each week, we take a deep dive into a unique aspect

of our 20s, from career anxiety, mental health, heartbreak, money, friendships, and much more to explore the science and the psychology behind our experiences, incredible guests, fascinating topics, important science, and a bit of my own personal experience. Audrey, I honestly have no idea what's going on with my life. Join me as we explore what our 20s are really all about, from the good, the bad, and the ugly, and listen along as we uncover how everything is psychology, including our 20s. The psychology of your 20s hosted by me, Gemis Bag.

Now streaming on the iHotRadio app, Apple podcasts or whatever you get your podcasts. In the 1680s, a feisty oppressing or burned down an unnery and stole away with her secret lover. In 1810, a pirate queen negotiated her crew's way to total freedom, with all their loot. During World War II, a flirtatious gambling double agent helped keep D-Day a secret from the Germans. What are these stories having common? They're all about real women who were left out of your history books. If you're tired of missing out, check out the Womanica podcast, a daily women's history podcast highlighting women you may not have heard of, but definitely should know about.

I'm your host Jenny Kaplan, and for me, diving into these stories is the best part of my day. I learned something new about women from around the world and leafyling amazed, inspired, and sometimes shocked. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Now, another toxic trait that I want to discuss is this idea of trying to change someone. I have always believed that people don't change for people. They change for themselves. People don't change for you. They don't change for their acts. They don't change for the next person. They don't change for a family member. They change for themselves

because they feel a certain regret, which may be inspired by a family member. But I think what's really interesting is that when we're trying to change someone, often we're trying to change them to be like us. And I want you to really sit there and reflect on this. Do you really want to be with yourself? If we're organized, we want our partners to be more organized. If we're spontaneous, we want our partner to be more spontaneous. If we're thoughtful about birthdays, we want our partner to be thoughtful about birthdays. If we're always planning the weekend, we want

our partners to plan the weekends. We want our partners to be us. But we have to really ask ourselves, do we really truly want our partners to be us. I'll give you an example in my own life that's really stood out to me. So I'm quite the organizer planner. And when it comes to me and Radhi, I realize that if I make a plan for Saturday, Radhi will happily go along, she'll be so positive about it, she'll have a great time. She might be a little bit late,

she might have a few things that come up, but she'll commit to my plan and she'll have a great time. Now, if she made a plan, I may go along with it, but I'll have my own thoughts about it. I will question her. I'll say, oh, we should have done this first. We could have done that. Now, that's my kind of way of thinking,

because I'm such an organizer planner. And it's really interesting, because I've realized how lucky I am to be with someone who's always happy to go along with my plans and is flexible and and I've realized that I need to be more that way. So it's really interesting. We want our partners to be like us, but actually have we ever thought about needing to be more like them or let them be them and we be ourselves. Right? It's so interesting to me about how we think, oh, well, they're not ambitious enough. I'm so ambitious. It's really interesting.

Do you really want to date yourself? That's the question I want you to answer. Do you really, really truly believe you'd be happy if you were with someone who is exactly like you because I know I wouldn't be. I don't want to date someone like me. And it's really amazing how much time we waste trying to mold someone into a version of ourselves.

Now let's say someone's trying to change you. We all know what that feels like. It's really interesting. We often try and change other people, but when people try and change us, we know exactly how it feels and how we would never want to feel that way. And I think what's really important about this

is being clearer about our desires up front and making sure that the person you're starting to like or you're dating or you're connecting with is open with you about what they truly want. Now, I'm not talking about talking about how many kids you want on the first day. I'm talking about really being clear and aware of what someone's priorities are

rather than thinking about what their potential is, right? Focus on someone's priorities, not their potential. Is their priority to get the next job? Is their priority to be busy on the weekend because they're ambitious and driven? Is their priority you? Is their priority to get the next job? Is there priority to be busy on the weekend because they're ambitious and driven? Is there priority you? Is there priority there family? What is their priority?

This is not about what their goals are often. We say like, what are people's goals? And that's an awkward question to ask someone, right? Like, what are your goals for this quarter? What are your goals for the next quarter? What are your goals for the next five years? I know so many people who hate that interview question, but you can tell by someone's priorities,

what their goals are. What is their calendar for love? How do they make choices and decisions on the weekends and evenings? And recognize that that also comes with a choice. If someone's prioritizing you, of course they can't prioritize their work. If that person's driven and ambitious, they may have less time for you. If that's prioritizing you, of course they can't prioritize their work. If that person's driven and ambitious,

they may have less time for you. If that's what you're saying you want. I think it's such an important thing to be clear with other people about your priorities when you first meet them and observe their priorities too. Observe the language they use, the vocabulary they use, and how they make choices about their priorities, especially when it comes down to like making a really

clear choice between two things or an unclear choice between two things, watch what they pick. And I think so many of us, you know, I had to think, oh yeah, but they'll change that. Oh yeah, they'll come around. Oh yeah, it's not really important to them. And then later on we're thinking,

wow, I can't believe that they were always like that. It was always that way. Now, the third toxic trait I wanted to discuss with you all was playing games. If someone's playing power games with you, if someone's playing interest games with you, if someone's playing games with you by being hot and cold all the time,

or if you're doing that with someone, notice and know that that's gonna last. Every time things get tough, that's what you're gonna revert to because that's become your method of dealing with conflict. People don't just play games. Playing games becomes people's way of gaining power and what they do when they lose power.

And if that's the game you've already started to play, then that's the game you will continue to play. I think people don't realize how relationships really get set in stone very early on. The rules of a relationship get set in stone very, very early on just by behavior, not even by what you say and then that Becomes the status quo and how that relationship operates for a long long time after So I want you to notice is the person hot and cold is the person playing games and at the stuff

It feels exciting because you get that burst of nervousness and anxiety and then you get the security and safety and that kind of like swinging from safety to insecurity, from stability to excitement and nervousness. Like that's exciting. That is really, really entrawling in the beginning. We think we're at the edge of our seats. At the start, we want someone who keeps us at the edge of our seats.

But long term, what we really want is someone that we can get cozy with on the couch, right? It's so interesting, right? That's what you really want. Well, you want in a relationship as Netflix and chill, you want to be able to hang back, be lazy, be cozy on the couch, but you're setting your relationship up to be always nail-biting at the edge of the sea. But that isn't what you're trying to build. That isn't what you're trying to grow. So what you really want to do is establish playing as a team.

You want to establish someone who says, we and us, not you and me. You want to establish a feeling of we're solving this together, we're going through this together, we're figuring this out together, we're understanding this together, not, oh yeah, I'm not feeling it today. Oh yeah, you're doing this, right? Like that kind of language automatically lets you understand where you stand. One of the most interesting things or a method of playing games, which people are not even unaware of, is when someone tells you how you should feel. Someone says to you, oh, you are really into me. You just don't know it yet. Or someone says to you something like, oh, yeah, you know, if you decide to move on, or if you decide to not pursue this,

you're going to regret it later. Someone's telling you how to feel that's a toxic trait. If someone is telling you how to behave with them, that's a toxic trait. If someone's telling you, I don't think you understand how you're feeling right now, this is how you're feeling, that's unhealthy. A healthy relationship is where someone asks you how are you feeling? An unhealthy relationship is where someone tells you how you're feeling. Notice the difference.

It's very subtle, right? An untoxic relationship is where someone says to you, how are you feeling today? A toxic relationship is where someone says to you, this is how you're feeling. And in the beginning, it can be really comforting. You can feel like, wow, this person really understands me. Like, they really know me. But if they're telling you, look, this is how you really feel. You're not really tired. Come on out anyway. You're not really this. Come on out anyway.

No, I'm not saying you break up with someone over this, but you've got to start to be observant of what you're setting. Now I'm not saying to even turn this into an argument. You could just say to someone, hey, I know how I feel. I'm just telling you how I feel. I just want to let you know that. And that may be totally fine,

because that person may be used to trying to read between the lines or trying to prove their worth that way as well. You've got to understand that the traits people demonstrate in relationships are all based on our own past trauma, our own past experiences, our own past emotions. Like it's not coming from nowhere. And so it's almost like you've got two sets of trauma, you've got two sets of experience having a UFC fight, right? Instead of both people trying to make peace.

And I think that's what's really interesting is that relationships are often chasing pleasure. And in chasing pleasure, they become about power. But really what relationships, healthy relationships are about pursuing peace, right? An unhealthy relationship chases power. A healthy relationship chases peace. Are you pursuing peace with your partner or are you pursuing power over your partner? That's the question. Are you pursuing peace with your partner or are you chasing power over your partner or is your partner chasing power over you?

It's about pursuing peace together. Peace is a really underrated value. I'm telling you right now, we're so addicted to pleasure, we're so addicted to that dopamine, we're so addicted to that temporary relief and that pursuit of that ephemeral momentary bliss that we miss out on this deep search for a feeling of peace and groundedness The next trait I wanted to talk about was

unhealthy way is when you lose your own identity with the other person as opposed to discovering your identity with the other person, as opposed to discovering your identity through the other person. So a lot of the time we become so intoxicated in a relationship that we lose ourselves in the relationship.

And what I mean by that is our identity becomes one of just being together, forgetting that you have an identity separate you have friendship separate you have interests that are separate, right? your identity comes with individuals it comes with interests and it comes with independence and when that interest turns into only joint interests when that that interest turns into only joint interests when that individual turns into only friends that you both get along with.

And when that independence turns into co-dependence, that's where a lot of our challenges come in relationships. So I want to ask you right now, who are the individuals, what are the interests, and what is the independence that you don't want to lose in a relationship? That you don't want to sacrifice. And by the way, no one's making you sacrifice it. We voluntarily give it up. And then we get upset and blame it on the other person.

We get wrapped up in a relationship. And I want you to encourage your partner to do the same. Again, at the beginning of a relationship, it can feel really exciting when the person says, I'm not going to see my friends. I just want to see you. I'm not going to see my family. I just want to see you. Oh, I don't care about playing pickleball tonight. I'm just going to see you. That all sounds and feels amazing. Someone put you as number one, which is important, but your role in the relationship as that relationship develops, I'm not saying no to that, but as it

develops, remind the other person to not give up the individuals, the interests and the independence that they had before in ways that are healthy for them. Right, if it's healthy for them to see their friends that they work out with, if it's healthy for them to continue certain interests that they're passionate about, encourage them, remind them of that. Don't force them, don't push them towards it,

but don't forget to remind them towards who they were before they met you. Now, one thing that happens a lot in relationships is that we point out other people's mistakes or they point out ours. And what's really interesting is we feel worried about pointing out other people's strengths and people often worry about pointing out ours. So we focus on the mistakes rather than holding up a mirror. So the other person can reflect for themselves. So if you have two people in a relationship who are both reflecting on their own behavior because they see how it impacts the other person,

and that's where we're trying to get to. It's really hard, this is a hard one because both people have to be reflective. But if you start a relationship and say, hey, if we're trying to get to. It's really hard. This is a hard one because both people have to be reflective. But if you start a relationship and say, hey, if we're both reflective, we don't have to point out each other's mistakes. We'll automatically know what they are. This is the age old one, expecting someone to know what you want.

I can't believe I still have to say this one, but I really see it all the time. We think love is, they already knew. They finished my sentence. They know what I'm thinking They knew what I wanted for my birthday. They they get me Our definition of love our feeling of love is if we think someone gets us and To get to that we need to help them get us by communicating it

It's so obvious but being able to say something like this today, me and Rade, it was a rainy, rainy day this week in LA. And I hope if anyone was affected, I'm sending you lots of love. I hope it wasn't too bad for those of you who may have been in California. But it was just really interesting. I was saying to Rade, I was like, this is what I want to do. She was saying we wanted to do it. It was just like communicating. I was saying to Rady, I was like, this is what I want to do. She was saying we wanted to do it. It was just like communicating, rather than like, oh, you should have known what I wanted to eat today,

or you should have known what I wanted to do today because we've been together for 10 years. And I think that's what's so interesting is that the longer it gets, we think more and more that it should be that way. So we rely more on mind reading and then rely less on communication. When communication is what is going to make the difference.

I hope that these have helped you today. I hope that this guides you in your relationship and your connection. I'm so grateful that you trusted me to spend this time with me. I hope that you'll pass this episode on to someone else. And again, thank you so much for being a part of the on-purpose community. It means the world to me. And I can't wait for you to keep listening. Thank you. I'm Danny Shapiro, host of Family Secrets. It's hard to believe we're entering our eighth season, and yet we're constantly discovering new secrets.

The variety of them continues to be astonishing. I can't wait to share ten incredible stories with you, stories of tenacity, resilience, and the profoundly necessary excavation of long-held family secrets. Listen to season eight of Family Secrets on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Jay Shetty, and on my podcast on purpose,

I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Hart, Lewis Hamilton, and many, many more. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw, real life stories behind their their journeys and the tools they used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so

that they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Join the journey soon. Thank you.