On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 6 Things To Stop Expecting From Others & How To Leave Them Behind in 2019

Episode Date: December 6, 2019

I believe that preparation for 2020 starts right now, It doesn't start in January. You need to start letting go of those things that blocked you from doing well. Expecting things from others is one of the biggest blocks to your growth. Today you'll learn how to stop expecting closure, apologies, explanations, understanding, belief & validation from others. When you remove all expectations, you gain power no one can ever challenge and you will see your life change. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi, I'm Brendan Francis Neum, I'm a journalist, a wanderer, and a bit of a bond-vivant, but mostly a human just trying to figure out what it's all about. And not lost is my new podcast about all those things. It's a travel show where each week I go with a friend to a new place and to really understand it, I try to get invited to a local's house for dinner. Where kind of trying to get invited to a dinner party? It doesn't always work out. Ooh, I have to get back to you. Listen to not lost on the iHeart radio app or wherever you get your podcasts. The one you feed explores how to build a fulfilling life admits the challenges we face.

We share manageable steps to living with more joy and less fear through guidance on emotional resilience, transformational habits, and personal growth. I'm your host, Eric Zimmer, and I speak with experts ranging from psychologists to spiritual teachers, offering powerful lessons to apply daily. Create the life you want now. Listen to the one you feed on the I Heart Radio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I am Dr. Romani, and I am back with season two of my podcast, Navigating Narcissism. you get your podcasts. Living for other people's validation, you're now living according to their values, not yours. Which means you are creating a life that may not be valuable to you. I know for the past few weeks I've been sharing behind the scenes clips so you can hear me at Q&A sessions, at conferences, seminars, workshops and leading companies around the world, but I'm so happy to be back live with you here today. And today's theme is so important,

so powerful, I can't wait to get into it now. Because it's in December as well, I want to start preparing our minds for 2020. I believe that preparation for 2020 starts right now. It doesn't start in January. It doesn't start in January first. It starts right now. And so you start in January, it doesn't start in January first, it starts right now. And so you're going to be hearing a lot of that. So if you're really wanting to prepare your mind, prepare your energy, and prepare your focus for 2020, then I want you to

keep coming back every single week because that's exactly what we're going to be doing. And we're going to start off by letting go of a lot of the things that may hold us back into 2019. You know, when it comes to the end of the year, you have to reflect on the things that worked, the things that went really well. And rather than just reflecting on the things that didn't go well, you need to start shedding the baggage. You need to start letting go of those things that blocked you from doing well. And I think this is a huge mistake that so many of us make

is that we reflect on what went right and we reflect on what went wrong, but we don't let go of what went wrong and why it went wrong and we don't do more of what went right. So I really wanted to think about this really, really important point before we get into today's theme and topic

that as you're coming to the end of 2019, reflect on what went right, reflect on what worked, reflect on the things you're happy about. And at the same time, become really conscious and aware of what went wrong, but more importantly, why it went wrong and start shedding that baggage from your life, letting it remove from your life, letting it go from your life. And you know, because of each and every one of you, this has been a really fun and exciting year for me. And I'm just so grateful that you're all here today.

And as you know, today's theme is six things to stop expecting from others, right? This is so important. If we can leave our expectations of others in 2019, this is the first thing that I want you to let go of this year. This is the first thing that I want you to leave behind this year because it's these expectations of others. It's these obligations of others. It's these opinions of others that hold us back, that stop us from our highest selves, that block us from our greatest potential. And if we can let go of these six, and today I'm not just going to share what those six are, I'm going to share how to actually do that with these particular things. And if we start

making that progress right now, if we start taking those steps right now, you will see an incredible amount of change in your life. Now let's really dissect expectations for a moment and I'm actually just going to pick up some of my notes here and I want to have a look at the, you can probably hear me typing away, which is great. You know that I'm here with you right now trying to dissect this topic for you and I'm really intrigued to look at the definition of expectation. And I really believe you should do this more often.

We use dictionary to check meanings of words we didn't know about, but we forget, we don't really know the meanings of words we use every day. Right, when you were young, you were trained to pick up the dictionary. If you don't know this word, you've never heard it before. What does that word mean? And so we did that, but then words that we use every day, we just expect we know the meaning. And lately, I've been forcing myself, as a habit, I've been developing this

habit, not even forcing myself to look at words that I use regularly and ask myself, or what does that mean to me, and what does that mean to someone else, and what does that mean to all of you? And so expectation is one of those words. Now listen to this really carefully. The definition of expectation is a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future. A strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future. Now, let me get really close to this definition and dissect it from the way I'm seeing it. When we think of an expectation, we see it as something we expect. We expect it to happen because it seems obvious.

But really, our expectations are not based on reality. They're a projected reality, they're a belief, they're a hope, they're a want, they're a desire, they're not necessarily based on reality. So when people say like, Jay, but of course you have to have some expectations from other people because otherwise, how can you have a real relationship?

And I'm like, yes, you should have real expectations, which in my opinion, I just called reality and dealing with what you see in front of you versus projected reality. So imagine you're listening to someone, you're listening to them say something like, hey, I don't really understand what we're going with this. I don't really You know, I'm not really into you anymore. I don't really like you anymore. I don't think this is working out You're hearing that But your expectation is no we can figure this out your projected realities. No, no, no We're gonna figure this out. We've done it before we're gonna figure out. We're gonna master this

But you're not listening carefully We've done it before. We're going to figure out. We're going to master this. But you're not listening carefully towards actually being said. You're not accepting what's really truly being said. So so many times our expectations let us down because we're not accepting what is being said. Now accepting what is being said doesn't mean you are fatalistic. It doesn't mean you accept it and then feel upset that that's just where life's at. But at the same time, you don't want to have false expectations and so often expectations make us hold on and things linger on. I'm sure you've all felt the pain of expectation in your life. And I really want to help you remove that and let go of it in 2019. So if you're ready to let go of your expectations,

the six things to stop expecting from others in 2019, you're in exactly the right place. And I can't wait to dive into this with you. It's one of my favorite themes and topics that we've talked about in the podcast. And I'm really excited to be sharing it with you right now. Now, this story slightly connected, but I think it's really powerful. I don't know how many of you've seen the movie, The Theory of Everything.

It's the life story of Stephen Hawking, the incredible thinker and scientist. And the phenomenal thing about Stephen Hawking is that, I believe he was told when he was around 21 years old that he had about six months left to live and Stephen Hawking has said that he said my expectations were reduced to zero when I was 21 everything since then has been a bonus right and I believe he's also added on that, that when one's expectations are reduced to zero, one really appreciates everything one does have. And what's fascinating about that approach is imagine being told at such an early age that you had six months left to live. And the incredible thing about Stephen Hawking

is that I believed he lived for 76 years. Imagine having been told you have six months left to live and he lived for 76 years. Imagine having been told you have six months left to live and he lived for 76 years. I believed he even wrote a best-selling book, even though, well, multiple best-selling books, but one of his best-selling books, he could only write four words per minute. Let's just just let that sink in for a moment. He could only write four words per minute and he wrote a best-selling book, and multiple best-selling books. It's insane to realize how when we stop expecting life,

when we stop expecting people, when we stop expecting things to do the work for us, but we choose to do the work for ourselves. We choose to give that to ourselves. What powerful things can happen. Not too long ago, in the heart of the Amazon rainforest, this explorer stumbled upon something that would change his life. I saw it and I saw, oh wow,

this is a very unusual situation. It was cacao. The tree that gives us chocolate. But this cacao was unlike anything experts had seen. Poor tasted. I've never wanted us to have a gun bite. I mean, you saw this tax of cash in our office. Chocolate sort of forms this vortex.

It sucks you in. It's like I can be the queen of wild chocolate. We're all lost. It was madness. It was a game changer. People quit of wild chocolate. We're all lost. It was madness. It was a game changer. People quit their jobs. They left their lives behind so they could search for more of this stuff. I wanted to tell their stories, so I followed them deep into the jungle, and it wasn't always pretty. Basically, this like disgruntled guy and his family surrounded the building arm with machetes. And we've heard all sorts of things that you know somebody got shot over this.

Sometimes I think all these for a damn bar of chocolate. Listen to obsessions while chocolate on the I Heart radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. How's that New Year's resolution coming along? You know, the one you made about paying off your pesky credit card debt and finally starting to save your retirement? Well, you're not alone if you haven't made progress yet, roughly four in five New Year's Resolutions fail within the first month or two.

But that doesn't have to be the case for you and your goals. Our podcast How to Money can help. That's right, we're two best buds who've been at it for more than five years now, and we want to see you achieve your money goals. And it's our goal to provide the information and encouragement you need to do it. We keep the show fresh by answering list our questions, interviewing experts, and focusing on the relevant financial news that you need to know about. Our show is Choc Full of the Personal Finance Knowledge that you need with guidance three

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or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm David Eagleman. I have a new podcast called Inner Cosmos on iHeart. I'm a neuroscientist and an author at Stanford University and I've spent my career exploring the three-pound universe in our heads. On my new podcast, I'm going to explore the relationship between our brains and our experiences by tackling unusual questions so we can better understand our lives and our realities. Like, does time really run in slow motion when you're in a car accident? Or can we create new senses for humans? Or what does dreaming have to do with the rotation of the planet?

So join me weekly to uncover how your brain steers your behavior, your perception, and your reality. Listen to Intercosmos with David Eagelman on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. So we see here a young man who has told he had six months left to live. He had no more expectations left of people of life or of death because he just didn't know. And he went on to live 76 years in which he achieved a phenomenal amount of stuff. Let's just, let me just actually just take a look at that.

To just share some of his achievements with you, if you're not familiar with him or you're not exactly sure about what he did. So I have literally just searched it right now and you've got, he's got the Albert Einstein medal in 1979, that sounds like the coolest medal of all time. He's got the Albert Einstein award in 1978. He's got the presidential medal of freedom in 2009. You know, I mean, he's got, I mean, there's a

long, long list of awards and accolades here. And the reason I'm just pointing that out is just looking at how, when he stopped having expectations, because his expectations were reduced to zero. How much power? We think when we reduce our expectations, we reduce our power. But actually, when we reduce our expectations, we increase our power, because our expectations are based on what we want other people to do for us. Our expectations are based on what we think other people should do for us. Our expectations are based on what we expect other people to give to us.

But when you remove that down to zero, you take all of that energy away from what you think other people should do, what you want other people to do, what you expect other people to do, and you turn that expectation into your own implementation. That's the difference. You're transforming the expectation others have for you into your own implementation.

I'm in the zone right now. I'm totally in flow. I am hoping that you're with me on this podcast already. I hope you're writing things down. I hope you're taking notes. This was one of those moments where I really think it's so important to just let this sink in. 21 years old, six months left to live, lives for 76 years, makes a huge impact, removes zero expectation, right? Zero expectations. So six things, six ways to create zero expectation from others.

So let's start with the first of the six things. And I'm gonna say this straight up front with you right now. These are not easy steps. I'm not expecting you to leave them all behind in one go, but the process has to start today. The process has to start today. And I'm guessing you're not affected by all six of them. You'll be affected by a few of them.

And as you're listening, I want you to think about which ones you're affected by, which one your friends and partners are affected by, because it's so important to become conscious and aware of the expectations that are holding us back. So the first expectation we have to genuinely let go of, or the first thing we have to genuinely let go of. Well, the first thing we have to stop expecting from others is closure. I know that's hard to hear.

If you've been through a trough breakup, maybe you were ghosted recently, maybe someone told you they loved you and they were gonna marry you and then they broke your heart. Maybe you were with someone for a significant period of time and you sort of future with them, even if there was nothing promised or stated or guaranteed,

but then that fell apart. And the best explanation they could give you was, it's not you, it's me, right? Or the best explanation they could give you was, it's not you, it's me, right? Or the best explanation they could give you was, it's just not working out anymore. Or the best explanation they could give you was, I think we're moving in two different directions or whatever it is.

Or maybe you're actually saying, Jay, you're listening to me going, Jay, I actually didn't get any explanation. Like, there was no closure, right? There was no closure, there was no answers. There was no clarification on why this happened, what it happened for. How many of you have ever been in that position before,

where you didn't receive the closure you felt you deserved, you've invested years and years and years into this relationship, or months and months and months of your life, or energy and energy and energy energy and you've got nothing. You've got nothing and you're sitting there listening to going, Jay, how can you tell me to expect nothing when I put in so much work? How can you tell me to stop expecting closure? Well, here's the reason why you have to stop expecting closure because guess what, you're

probably not going to get it. You're probably not going to get it and you still expecting it means you're still living in a past reality. You're still living in that projected reality, which means you can't move on with actual reality. You can't move on with your life because you have an expectation which is anchored in a past event. Anytime you have an expectation that's anchored in a past event, you can't live in the present

because you're still wanting something to happen from before. It's almost like, it's almost like you keep going back to your old house because you're still expecting mail there. Right? So you have to keep going back to check every single day. You keep going back to every single day. How much time does that waste? How much time and energy does that take away from where you are right now? And specifically with closure, because the truth is, the reason why people can't give you closure is they might not even have found the answers themselves. The reason why no one can give you closure is because they probably haven't clarified the situation for themselves. They don't even have their own clarity on the situation. They haven't reflected enough in a deep way for themselves, let alone to articulate it to you. And so even if you get closure,

even if they make an attempt, even if they give you a reason, you will always have another 10 follow-up questions that they won't have an answer to. And so you're leaving yourself open, it's like leaving a wound ripped open, right? It's almost like saying, I'm not going to put a bandage on my wound because someone else has got to put that bandage on it for me. I'm not going to clean out the mess and the dirt from this wound because I don't have to do that. They need to do that, right? Someone pushes you over, you get caught and you're like, I'm not going to clean this wound. I'm not going to cover up this car. I'm not going to put a bandage on. I'm going to get them to do it

because they pushed me over. I mean, what happens if they pushed you over and walked away? What happens if it was far more serious? What happens in that scenario? Do you put a bandage on yourself? Do you heal that wound? Do you drag yourself to a hospital if it's far more serious. What happens in that scenario? Do you put a bandage on yourself? Do you heal that wound? Do you drag yourself to a hospital if it's that desperate or serious? Or do you just go, no, no, no, I'm just going to live with this because I'm going to expect it from them. I'm just going to wait till they come and give it to me

until they find a way to tell me this, whether it takes 5, 10, 15, 20 years and by that time, that wound is so bad that you've got infections and also. It doesn't make sense. Do you get where I'm going with that? That doesn't make any sense. You would never do that. You would realize that you ever wound. It's your body. Just as a wound is on your body and it's yours to deal with, this emotional wound of needing closure is on your mind and it's yours to deal with. And when you give up the expectation of others to give you closure, you actually seal that wound far more effectively yourself.

And here's how you do it. Any question you have for them, you answer it personally, but you don't take it personally. The biggest mistake we do when we're looking for closure is we take someone leaving us as a personal discredit to our character, our appearance, our personality, we take it as a personal attack on who we are, how we look, how we behave. When someone leaves us, we actually leave ourselves. When someone leaves us, we end up leaving ourselves because we stop being ourselves, we start judging

ourselves, Harsha. We're like, I'm not beautiful enough, I'm not good looking enough, I'm not funny enough, I'm not supportive enough, I'm not stable enough and all that does is it makes you all those things, right? As soon as you start thinking I'm not stable, you're not stable. As soon as you start thinking I'm not confident, you're not confident and you start building that. So instead of waiting for the answers from them, you create your own answers that help you find closure where you're honest with yourself,

but all for the purpose of moving on. I'm Eva Longoria. I'm Maite Gomez-Rajon. We're so excited to introduce you to our new podcast, Hungry for History. On every episode, we're exploring some of our favorite dishes, ingredients, beverages, from our Mexican culture. We'll share personal memories and family stories,

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He was making these tacos wrapped in these huge tortillas to keep it warm, and he was transporting them in a burro hence the name the burritos. Listen to Hungary for history with Ivalangoria and Maite Gomez Rejón as part of the Michael Tura podcast network available on the iHeart Radio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Mungesha Tickler and to be honest I don't believe in astrology but from the moment I was born it's been a part of my life. In India it's like smoking you might

not smoke but you're gonna get secondhand astrology. And lately, I've been wondering if the universe has been trying to tell me to stop running and pay attention. Because maybe there is magic in the stars, if you're willing to look for it. So I rounded up some friends and we dove in and let me tell you, it got weird fast.

Tantric curses, major league baseball teams, cancelled marriages, K-pop! But just when I thought I had a handle on this sweet and curious show about astrology, my whole world can crash down. Situation doesn't look good, there is risk too far. And my whole view on astrology? It changed. Whether you're a skeptic or a believer, I think your ideas are going to change too. Listen to Skyline Drive and the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your

podcasts. I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah, Everything that has happened to you can also be a strength builder for you if you allow it. Kobe Bryant. The results don't really matter. It's the figuring out that matters. Kevin Hawke.

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hours. Listen to on purpose with Jay Shetty on the I Heart Radio app Apple Podcast or wherever you get your podcasts. Join the journey soon. Just as you do with a physical wound, you have to do the same with an emotional wound. You can't keep going to the person who pushed you over and expecting them to do that. And that may mean, you know, giving yourself closure may mean removing things that belong to that personal memories from your space, right? Creating closure for yourself may be giving yourself space to vent your feelings

that they never let you. So one of your biggest issues may be that you never got to tell them everything you felt and all the pain they made you experience. So you're now going to write it out and you're going to read it to them as if they were standing right in front of you. So you still get to do the process. You still get to go through the emotions. They may not physically be there to hear it, but you have to recognize that it's far more about you feeling like you've shared it than them even hearing it.

So you're still going to give yourself that time in that space and that energy. And most importantly, you're going to rewrite the ending. You're going to rewrite the ending in a way that helps you push forward. So the first thing that we have to stop expecting from others is closure. Closure, closure, closure. I know so many people have wasted so much time, energy and effort in waiting for closure. The second thing that we have to stop expecting from others, another tough one, is apologies. There's a famous statement that says we should learn to accept apologies we've never received. Right? We have to learn to accept apologies we've never received because again, just like closure, people sometimes

are not even aware of the mistakes they've done. And you may say, Jay, how can they not know? Like, it's so obvious. This person really messed up and they haven't said, sorry for it. And my answer to that is, okay, maybe they even know. Maybe they're just too embarrassed. Maybe they're just too guilty. But again, why are you going to keep living that moment over and over again? For other than just accepting that apology for yourself. And a lot of the time, the reason why we are expecting an apology from someone else is because we haven't forgiven ourselves. We haven't actually apologized to ourselves

for connecting with that person, for interacting with that person, for building that relationship with that person. We're with that person, for building that relationship with that person. We're expecting an apology from someone else because we haven't forgiven ourselves. Take that in, write that down. We're expecting an apology from someone else because we haven't forgiven ourselves when you forgive yourself, when you apologize to yourself for the mistakes you made in that

relationship, for the lesson you learned from getting involved with them. When you give yourself that space, you no longer crave that forgiveness, sorry, that apology from someone else, which you don't even know because sometimes people apologize and then you're like, well, I know that's not even real. I know you don't mean it. I know that you're not sincere. And guess what?

Then that person goes, oh, well, that's all I had to say. And then again, you feel discontent. When we leave our expectation open to others, we end up leaving it open forever. We kind of make it to a point where we may never be satisfied because even if they give us an apology, we may not be satisfied with the depth of their apology, the level of their apology. So yes, if you want to live in a constant, never-ending cycle of expectation, be my guest, leave it open. But if you want to get to a place where you're really ready to form new relationships and start again, then you have to give yourself the apology you expect from someone else, you have to, right? So in the same way, I would focus on self forgiveness in that scenario.

The way to stop expecting apologies for somewhere else is giving yourself the forgiveness for the mistakes you made, the lessons you learned, and whatever apology you think, they should be giving you. You have to give it to yourself first, right, you have to start there. The third thing, which kind of links to the first two, but I kept it separate because sometimes

you may say, J. Closha's too deep for me apologies. The third is explanations. Some people are just terrible at articulating our feelings in painful situations because we've told, we've been told to suppress them. Actually, most of us are terrible at articulating our feelings in painful situations because we've told, we've been told to suppress them. We've been told to hide our feelings in tough situations or we've been told to toughen up or man up or stop being, you know, stop crying like a girl

or like, you know, like a little boy or whatever. And all of these things build up negative perceptions in our mind because what does that mean? What does it mean to man up or stop crying like a gut? Like these are not positive emotional statements. These are not positive vocabularies to describe our emotions. And so we're not good at explaining how we feel

because when we were in pain, we were just told to stop. You were never told to feel it. You were never told to experience it. You were never told to heal it. You were just told to feel it, you never told to experience it, you never told to heal it, you just told to stop, it's like stop crying, it's not that bad. Don't worry about it, right? Whereas when you stop expecting explanations from others, you get an opportunity to explain how you feel to yourself. And this is so powerful that when you go through a painful situation, you've got to find the right vocabulary to articulate it to others,

to yourself, to your friend, your coach, your therapist, your mentor, your trainer. Because when you build up the vocabulary to explain it, you develop more confidence to move on. And that's the key here. When you stop expecting explanations from others, you build up the confidence in yourself that you have the power to overcome this. But when you're constantly looking for someone else

to fill the gap and provide an explanation, you take their explanation as reality. And guess what, now their explanation becomes your reality. And let's say their explanation is Oh, I just found someone better or their explanation is you're not good enough Without you finding your vocabulary for that explanation that explanation becomes your reality So again an explanation from someone else is not satisfactory doesn't fulfill What you're truly looking for

satisfactory, doesn't fulfill what you're truly looking for. The fourth thing to stop expecting from others is understanding how many of us want our parents, our friends, our teachers, our managers, our bosses, to our partners to understand our passions, to understand our goals, to understand our dreams. I hear it all the time, people are like, Jay, the people around me don't understand me. They don't understand how bad I want this. They don't understand how much this means to me. They don't understand why I'm chasing this. They don't understand me. I hear that all the time from so many people.

The truth is, there's a few areas here. The first thing is, sometimes they don't understand you because you actually don't express it well. People can't understand you. They can't read in between the lines or read your mind if you don't express if something is important to you. Right? And this can be as simple as your passion and your purpose.

I remember when I first started making videos, so many of my friends were just like, Oh, well, this is never going to go anywhere. And I couldn't expect you to understand what I was trying to do. And I kept going. And some of them turned around and do understand and some of them still don't understand. But the point is that if you wait for someone to understand, you may never start doing something because people can't read in between the lines. And the question you have to ask yourself is, have you actually ever sat them down and explained it to them? Or have you just expected them to see things about you and understand? And so often the reason why people don't understand us

is we haven't expressed to them our understanding. And so the first step, I would say, is take some time out. If there are people in your life that you love and you want them to understand you, present a case for why they should understand you, present a case expressing why something is important to you. And if you've done that really effectively well and they still don't understand you, then you have to recognize that them not understanding you is just because they're heads in a different place. They've got a different set of experiences, a different background, a different walk of life that they're on, and they can't see eye to eye with you. But you can't let that stop

you from your future. You can't let that limit you from what's possible for you. So the fourth thing we have to stop expecting from others is understanding. The fifth thing we have to stop expecting from others is validation. How many of us, before we go out to an evening out or a party, and I know, you know, Christian Spies coming up and holiday parties, how many of you are going out? And the first thing you do is you look to your friend

and say, how do I look in this? Right, I do all the time to, you know, like, how do I look in this? And what we're looking for is validation. And so if someone says, yeah, you look good in that, even if we don't feel comfortable, we end up wearing it, and then you end up checking your reflection all night because you don't feel comfortable, we end up wearing it. And then you end up checking your reflection all night

because you don't feel comfortable or you keep like trying to sort out your appearance or whatever it is because you don't feel comfortable in it. And so we're always seeking that validation. Or we do it even in deeper ways. Like when people say like, how do people describe you in three words? My question is how do you describe yourself in three words?

Because how you feel about yourself, how you validate yourself and what's right for you, because just as you could end up wearing something to an evening out that you're not comfortable in, you could end up working in a career that you're not comfortable in, you could end up dedicating your life to someone or something that you don't care about, because you're looking for external validation. The need for external validation, the expectation for external validation drives us to do some of the stupidest things ever. We do some of the worst things in our life.

We make some of the worst career, love, relationship, financial decisions because of the need for external validation. You buy something you can't afford for external validation. You invest in something to look cool because of external validation. You try and live a certain lifestyle or go to a certain country to have a certain external validation. I know so many people that go on holiday because they saw someone else famous or influential go on holiday there and not to enjoy it because that's not the holiday of vacation they wanted. We make such bad decisions when we live

for the expense of validation. And that's an expectation that actually drives us in the wrong direction. And we set ourselves up for failure because sometimes that person doesn't validate us even when they do it. So even when you take that action, you do the thing that you think someone's gonna have a response to and then they don't

Right, you get that promotion and they don't have that response You get the partner you get a car you get a house whatever it is and then that person doesn't actually validate you They don't validate you for whatever reason because their validation their their values have changed When you're looking to be validated by others, you're living according to their values. Listen to that carefully, write it down. When you're living for other people's validation, you're now living according to their values, not yours. Which means you are creating a life that may not be valuable to you. And the sixth and final thing

that we have to stop expecting from others is belief. No one will believe in you more than you believe in yourself. I posted this the the other day on Instagram and I shared it really openly. I was being really open and honest and vulnerable and I said, I wasted a lot of time waiting for opportunities, waiting for people to spot me, waiting for someone to build my career. And one day, as I was waiting, I realized I was just watching my life pass by.

Waiting is really just wishing. Don't let it fool you. Right? Waiting is just wishing in disguise. Don't let it fool you. That's what you're doing by saying, Oh, I'm just being patient. I'm just waiting. Well, no, if you're waiting, you're wasting time and you're just watching your life pass by as you continue to wish. And we're waiting for someone to believe in us

so that we can believe in ourselves. Just think about how messed up that is for a second. Like, we're waiting for someone to believe in us so we can believe in ourselves. We actually believe more in ourselves when other people believe more in us. But actually, you don't realize it's the other way around. People believe more in you when you believe in yourself.

Right, when you believe in yourself and you're saying, but Jay, how do I believe in myself? Because no one believes in me. You're starting on the wrong path. You believe in yourself based on work effort. You believe in yourself when you live up to the commitments and promises you make to yourself.

When you make a promise to yourself and you organize your life to live up to that promise, you build belief. When you get the coaching, the mentoring, and the work and the research to build a skill, you build belief. When you get the coaching, the mentoring, and the work, and the research to build a skill, you build belief in yourself. When you see yourself overcoming odds, you build belief in yourself. You don't build belief in yourself because someone wrote a nice article about you in a magazine. You don't build belief in yourself because someone tells

you you're amazing. That's not how you build belief in yourself. But we have created a world where we're constantly basing our belief on ourselves, hoping that people believe in us first. That's why we're depressed to upset when we don't have thousands of comments or millions of views or hundreds of likes or whatever it may be because we're saying that I'm going to believe in myself when people around me believe in me. So these are the six things today to stop expecting from others and we're not going to do them all at the same time, but I

wanted you to be aware of them. I wanted you to become conscious of them and how much they're holding you back. And this is probably one of my favorite podcasts I've done this year because I'm just I'm genuinely just flying this you know this episode right now is just what's really on my mind about these areas. And so the six things to stop expecting from others is closure, apologies, explanations, understanding, validation, and belief. Give them to yourself first and watch your life change. Every time you catch yourself expecting any of these things from someone else, come back to this episode, listen to it again, go to that section and give it to yourself first. Thank you so much for listening to today everyone.

I am so grateful to each and every single one of you and I wanted to share this amazing news with you. If you're still with me and this is all one of you. And I wanted to share this amazing news with you. If you're still with me and this is all thanks to you. So everyone who's listening in India, thank you so much. Listen to this. On purpose with J. Shetty was the most streamed podcast on Spotify in India, out of all the podcasts in India.

Like that is just insane. Thank you to everyone who's listening from India. And thank you to everyone who's listening from all over the world because Apple named me as 29's most popular news shows. It named 25 new shows out of, I think, 150,000 new shows that have been released this year. And we were in the top 25, thanks to each and every single one of you.

And we're consistently the number one health podcast in the world as well. So I just want to take a moment to say, thank you to Asian every one of you. We're now the number one health podcast in the world as well. So I just want to take a moment to say thank you to Asian every one of you. We're now over 10,000 five star reviews on iTunes as well. So go ahead and leave a review if you haven't leave it on Spotify, subscribe on all platforms. But thank you for making us this incredible conscious community of change makers. And I can't wait for you to hear next week's episode. Make sure you share this one, share the ones, share the points. There were so many insights in this

one that I can't wait to go and learn and practice in my life too, so make sure you post them on Instagram, tag me, I love seeing your tags, and I'll see you next week. Hey, it's Debbie Brown, host of the Deeply Well Podcast, where we hold conscious conversations with leaders and radical healers and wellness around topics that are meant to expand and support you on your wellbeing journey. Deeply well is your soft place to land, to work on yourself without judgment, to heal, to learn, to grow, to become who you deserve to be. Deeply well with Debbie Brown is available now on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Namaste.

The therapy for Black Girls podcast is your space to explore mental health, personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, and I can't wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday. Listen to the therapy for Black Girls podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or

wherever you get your podcast. Take good care. Regardless of the progress you've made in life, I believe we could all benefit from wisdom on handling common problems, making life seem more manageable, now more than ever. I'm Eric Zimmer, host of the One-E-Feed podcast, where I interview thought-provoking guests who offer practical wisdom that you can use to create the life you want. 25 years ago, I was homeless and addicted to heroin. I've made my way through addiction recovery, learned to navigate my clinical depression,

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