On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 7 Signs You’re a People Pleaser & 7 Methods to Break This Habit

Episode Date: July 7, 2023

Have you ever found yourself constantly trying to please others, putting their needs before your own?  What is it like to be a people pleaser, always seeking validation and acceptance from those around you? If you want to know more about this trait and how to overcome it, then this episode is for you.  Join me as I uncover the deep-rooted struggles of saying no, over-apologizing, and failing to communicate our own needs. We get to understand the pain of feeling rejected and left out, and the challenges of being overly agreeable and avoiding conflict.  Finally, we will explore the lengths we go to in order to avoid being disliked or hated. Through this exploration, we gain insights into the human condition and learn how to break free from the cycle of people-pleasing.  Here’s what you’ll learn today: - How to say NO nicely and effectively - How to stop over apologizing in situations you have no control over - How to properly communicate your needs and thoughts - How to openly voice out your opinions without being combative - How to stop the habit of people pleasing Prepare to embark on a journey of self-discovery and empowerment as we navigate the path towards authenticity and reclaiming our personal power.  With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 02:31 Are you a people pleaser? What is it like to be one? 07:51 What are sociotropic individuals, and have you met one? 11:25 Trait #1: You struggle to say NO 17:49 Trait #2: You constantly over apologize 21:59 Trait #3: You do not communicate your NEEDS 24:05 Trait #4: You often feel rejected and left out 26:39 Trait #5: You tend to be agreeable and  30:18 Trait #6: You avoid conflict or tough conversations 31:56 Trait #7: You become anything and do anything to not be hated  Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi, I'm Ellie Kemper. And I'm Scott Eckert. And we're here to talk to you about the things we love on our new podcast, Born to Love. I can tell you about something I love this week's got foam rollers. For my own mind, you're not talking pool noodle. Oh my gosh! No! Thank you for clarifying.

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My guest and I, we go there every single time. I can't help it. Listen to the LeVearnCog Show on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Hey everyone, I'm so excited because we're going to be adding a really special offering onto the back of my solo episodes on Fridays. The Daily J is a daily series on calm and it's meant to inspire you while outlining tools and techniques to live a more mindful, stress-free life.

We dive into a range of topics and the best part is, each episode is only 7 minutes long, so you can incorporate it into your schedule no matter how busy you are. This week we're talking about your habits and how to develop better daily routines. Of course if you want to listen to the daily J every day, you can subscribe to Calm. So go to Calm.com forward slash J for 40% of your membership today. Hey everyone, welcome back to on purpose the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to become happier, healthier and more healed. Now guys, I'm back from tour.

I am actually back and I'm so excited to be back here with you on our Friday workshops. Your support has been incredible to me. So many of you, tens of thousands of you came out to see me on tour. So many of you, I got to hug and look into your eyes and hold your hands, which I so deeply wanted to do. And it was just an unbelievable shared experience. But even

over here on the podcast, you've been supporting me through all the incredible episodes this year. We've had Dr. Joe dispenser. We've had Kim Kardashian. We've had Louis Hamilton, Kevin Hart. It has been an incredible roster of guests and you keep sharing the episodes, you keep telling your friends about them. You are allowing for this wisdom to spread so fast, so far and so wide. And for that, I am so deeply grateful to you.

But I'm back for these Friday workshops, whether you're listening on a Friday or any other day, I'm just happy that you're here. And I just wanted to take a moment to say, just how thankful I am for all the engagement on Instagram, on TikTok, for the sharing of the episodes. It's unbelievable. And I don't take it for granted. I value you so, so much. Keep it coming. Make sure you leave a review. Make sure you tag me on Instagram and on TikTok. I'm always looking out. I'm always commenting. I'm always replying as much as I can. So thank you so much for doing that. Now, today's

topic is something that I think a lot of us struggle with, a lot of us deal with. And it's quite a tough one to talk about because it's uncomfortable to recognize that a lot of our behaviors, a lot of our traits, a lot of our ways of being are defined by wanting to be a people pleaser. How many of you already identify as a people pleaser and feel uncomfortable or unhealthy about what it is like to be one? And how many of you are listening and you are thinking to yourself, well, I don't know if I'm people pleaser.

I've been hearing about this term. I feel like I might be. I'm not sure. And I want to have a healthier relationship with it. And maybe there's some of you who are like, Jay, I've been a people pleaser for so long, it is wrecking my life, I need to fix it, I need to figure it out, how do I do this? Now, I wanna start off by saying this,

whether you're a people pleaser or you think you might be one, it's natural, it's normal to want to see other people happy. I don't think that's a bad thing for wanting other people to be happy, for wanting other people to be happy, for wanting other people to be healthy, for wanting people to feel good, for wanting people to be joyful. That is a beautiful feeling

that you should always hold onto. I have that feeling. When I was on stage, I was pouring all my energy out into the audience, all my love, all my joy because I wanted you to feel that when I'm recording these episodes when I'm working hard every day to create this incredible content that we get to do here. At on purpose, I'm pouring my heart into I'm pouring all my energy into it because I want you to feel that when you experience it. But here's the difference between people pleasing and helping and serving people.

People pleasing is where we displease ourself in the process of pleasing others. We put ourself second to put others first. Actually, we put ourselves seventh by putting everyone else first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth. We deprioritize what we truly are searching for by prioritizing what other people want. What it basically means is that when you're a people pleaser, you will even go to the extent of disliking yourself for someone else to like you. Let's just let that settle. A people pleaser is someone who will go to the extent of even disliking

themselves in order for others to like them. So when I'm pouring out on stage or I'm pouring out in these episodes or I'm trying to share my love through my books or whatever it may be, I want to please you. I want to make you happy. That's a beautiful mindset to have, but I don't want to do it to the extent that I end up hurting myself, that I end up disliking myself, or I end up being frustrated or overwhelmed with myself. Right? Sometimes you want to make someone so happy, but you get so stressed, you take on so much overwhelm, you take on so much pressure. And in the end of it, whether they are pleased or not, you're just exhausted.

We don't want to be in that position. We don't want to be in a position where we have no energy left to give to ourselves. That is the difference between a people pleaser and someone who's trying to serve, trying to help, trying to make an impact. When you're living for people with purpose, it's different than when you're living for people trying to please them. In your purpose, you take care of yourself so you can serve and help others. In people pleasing, you just try and please others, hoping it makes you feel better. Right? Notice that difference. So, and I've been there by the way, I remember being a full on people, please are in thinking it with service, being a martyr,

thinking it was about sacrifice. And what I didn't realize was that real purpose was to take care of myself, to prioritize myself, to work on myself, to energize myself so that I could extend myself to others. If you just focus on yourself and you don't care about anyone else, that selfishness. If you only focus on other people and not yourself,

that self-sabotage and self-sacrifice. But if you work on yourself, if you take care of your health, your mental health, your physical health, your fitness, your finances, in order to be more, give more, serve more for others, that's where we want to get to. And I'm on this journey myself because it's so easy to slip back into those old habits of being a people pleaser. So today we're going to talk about the key traits of people pleases and we're going to talk about the transformation that we need to make into people with purpose. So I learned this really interesting term from the National Health Institute and it's the word sociotropic. You might have heard it before. But sociotropic individuals, the National Health Institute says, are characterized by an over-valuation

of closeness and social acceptance in order to boost low self-esteem, while autonomous individuals base their self-esteem on achievement, independence and control. So we all know what autonomy looks like, the independence, the healthy independence of being able to have freedom to make decisions to make choices. Social-tropic individuals are the opposite. They find their worth in not having a choice, in giving up their independence, in letting go of a personal pursuit. And often end up as people pleases. Now, the Ugov poll ended in August 2022 says about half 47% of American adults believe that other people in their

life would definitely or probably describe them as a people pleaser. Nearly half of us feel that other people would describe us as a people pleaser. So you're not alone when you feel this way. And among women, 51% believe others see them this way, and 42% of men say the same. So we can see that this is a challenge that a lot of us have. It's something that a lot of us experience. And again, I want to remind you, the challenge is not that you want other people to be happy.

Wanting other people to be happy is a beautiful motive. It's when you're willing to make yourself unhappy, to make others happy, where they become the challenge. And what I mean by that is when you really start destroying or deconstructing your own identity, you start dissolving your own nature, your own qualities and abilities in order to make someone else feel good. Now, among self-identified people pleases in Yugov's poll, 39% say being this way has made their life harder. Being a people pleaser makes our life harder,

and I think you are here because you've experienced that. You felt that in your own life, where it can become really difficult. Now, why does it become difficult? I wanna walk you through these traits because I want us to be conscious of the different ways in which we behave when we're people pleasing. You may think it's like, you know, you have low self-esteem and you're always just trying to make other people smile and laugh. And those are parts of it. But I want to give you a few new perspectives, hopefully reaffirming some of your beliefs

as well so that you can be more conscious. Because the more conscious you are, the easier it is to break through. Remember, all amendments in our life start with awareness. You can't address something until you're aware of it. Let me say that again. You can't address something. You can't amend something until you're aware of it. Let me say that again, you can't address something, you can't amend something until you're aware of it. And you're only aware of it when you're aware of

how differently it shows up in your life. You're only aware of it based on how deeply you know the intricacies and the nuances of how it shows up in your life. So here are the traits of being a people pleaser. The first one is struggling to say no. How many times does someone message you and say, hey, do you have a minute to catch up right now?

You've got like a hundred emails to look at, but you say, yeah, sure. And then you hesitate and you fill up set, right? So what happens? You pick up the call. then you hesitate and you fill up set, right? So what happens? You pick up the call. That person starts telling you their life story, starts telling you everything they're struggling with, starts telling you about their challenges at work. What happens next?

You help them solve their problems, you listen to them, in your head, you're being torn because you also want to solve your own problems. Two hours later, you come back to your 159 emails. And all of a sudden, you're now frustrated at yourself. You might even feel frustration towards them. I think that's one of the most interesting things about being a people pleaser is that not only then, are you upset at yourself, you actually become upset at them.

You go, well, why can't there be more conscientious? Like, why didn't they think about my feelings? Why do they never ask about me? Why do they never ask about me? Why do they never think about how I'm feeling? What I'm doing, maybe I'm busy right now. I'm Jay Shetty, and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible

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It's about us trying our best to create change. Luberyns Hamilton. That's for me being taken that moment for yourself each day, being kind to yourself, because I think for a long time I wasn't kind to myself. And many, many more. If you're attached to knowing, you don't have a capacity to learn. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw,

real-life stories behind their journeys, and the tools they used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on purpose with Jay Shetty on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcast Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Join the journey soon. Being human is not easy. This is not just this unique thing that is happening to me.

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to podcasts. Hi, I'm Ellie Kemper. And I'm Scott Eckert. And we're here to talk to you about the things we love on our new podcast, Born to Love. Each week we'll have a guest join us to talk about something, anything, in the world that they love. And of course you and I also we get to talk about the things that we love so it's a love fest of sorts.

Total love fest and to give you guys some background. We met in our college improv troupe we were hilarious. And here's a fun little fact Ellie when you were filming the movie bridesmaids you were an actual bridesmaid in my wedding. I was at the same time. I can tell you about something I loved this week's copy. Oh, lay it on me. FOME ROLERS.

For my own mind, you're not talking pool noodle. Oh my gosh! No! Thank you for clarifying. Listen to Born to Love with Ellie Kemper in Scott Eckert, a new podcast from Will Ferrell's Big Money Players Network. On the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Where else do you struggle to say no?

Maybe there's a family event. And maybe there's someone that you don't quite see eye to eye at that family dinner, but when it comes to the holiday, you always say yes. Maybe you struggle to say no when your friends is, hey, do you want to help me move this weekend? Or you know what, do you want to help me move this weekend? Or, you know what, can you organize this for our friends this year?

And all of a sudden, you become team planner, event planner, party planner, and you struggle to say no. We struggle to say no because we're scared that it makes us unlikeable if we're useless. We're scared that if we are unuseful, we are unlikable. We believe that we are only likable if we're useful to others. That if we're of some requirement, then that gives us significance.

Now, that's natural, right? When you think you offer something to someone, that's when you feel significant, but you have to realize that the people that love you in your life, they don't love you because of your use of a requirement, of a need, they love you because of who you are. They love you as you are.

We think saying no is us closing the door and being light. We think that's it, they're gonna think I'm useless. They're gonna think I'm unlikable. They're gonna think that I'm not worth it. And my only worth is if I can do something for this person. Right? I know you can feel that when I say it. I know you relate to that when I say it.

And in that we keep saying yes, even when we can't take it anymore, to the point that one day we've said so many yeses, that we finally burst, we finally spill over. And then, at that point, when everything's tipped over the edge, we then are upset with that person for not noticing, for not feeling how we were feeling. So how do we overcome this? Learning to say no is probably the hardest thing ever, right? Someone says, hey, do you wanna come out tonight

and you say, no, I'm not sure. And they say, oh, stop been a loser, come out, right? Like that kind of attitude. Or, hey, you know, we're thinking of planning this trip that we're going on and you're like, oh, no, I don't think I can go, I've got work priorities. I was like, oh, you're boring, right? Like, we feel that pressure. My wife and I sometimes feel that because we go out to hang with our

friends, but we're their friends that want to go sleep by 10 p.m. and so we're like leaving. And they're like, oh, why don't you watch a movie? And we're like, you know what? Really want to wake up early tomorrow to meditate. And then I'm one thing is like, well, you know, why do you need to do that? Like, why can't you just have fun? Now, as time's gone on, I've spent less and less time with that. I don't have friends that say that to me anymore, which is a beautiful thing. And it's been really clearing guiding me as to who likes me for who I am the way I am or who wants me to become more like them in order for them to like me. Right? Think about that clearly. Who likes me, right? For who I am the way I am. I like sleeping about that clearly. Who likes me, right?

For who I am the way I am. I like sleeping at 10 a.m. I like waking up at 6 a.m. I like meditating in the morning. I like getting sleep before midnight. Who likes me that way? For who I am the way I am? Or who only likes me when I do things that please them?

People who like me for who I am the way I am are so important to me compared. People who like me for who I am the way I am are so important to me, compared to those who want me to be like them for them to like me. For some of those friends who's like, well, if you don't stay up to watch a movie like I like to, then I don't like you as much. If you're not gonna be the person

who entertains me in this way, then I don't like you as much. And learning to say no no, is accepting that you may lose that person or that person may distance themselves from you. And I think that's what we're getting at here is that we're actually developing the ability to sit in the discomfort of someone not liking us. The way to do this effectively is learn to say no in a nice way.

I think when we first practice this, we start learning to just say no, I'm like, no, I'm not coming, no, I can't make it. And all of a sudden that person's like, well, why are you being so abrupt? You literally were saying yes until yesterday, and now you listen to a J. Shady episode, and now you're just saying no all the time, right?

But it's like, no, let me say no in a nice way. Let me give my explanation. You're not remembering giving an apology or a context for trying to make them happy, but you're being honest. So I'll say to a friend, I'll be like, you know what, I actually did this this weekend, right? It was fourth of July last weekend.

It was a big holiday weekend. I had a lot of wonderful friends. I'd just come back into town after my tour. Everyone was like, Jay, we wanna see you. We wanna hang out. And I wanted to see them too. And I said, you know what? I literally just came off tour.

I'm pretty exhausted. I just need to spend a bit of a loan time this weekend. And that's what I'm gonna do. And I'll see you as soon as I can. I would really appreciate it. Thank you so much for understanding this in advance. And hey, none of my friends were like, oh, Jay, you're so ungrateful,

like why are you acting like that? Everyone's just like, Jay, we get it. Let us know when you're free, right? And so that's the kind of community you wanna surround yourself with. If someone's not reciprocating or responding to your honesty and your communication in a healthy way, you have to really ask yourself whether they're the right person that you wanna have

in your life. Now, number two, which is linked to this, is a lot of us constantly apologize. Oh, I'm so sorry that happened. Oh, I'm so sorry I did. I'm so sorry I can't make this. I'm so sorry that it wasn't perfect. I'm so sorry, right?

We threw a dinner party, but we're so sorry that it wasn't perfect. I'm so sorry, right? We threw a dinner party, but we're so sorry that it wasn't what people expected. We're always over apologizing. How many of you find yourselves when you don't know what to say, you just over-apologize? Like, let's say someone's into you, right? Someone's been flirting with you, someone's slid into your DM, someone's messaging you, someone's talking to you, you're not into them. They tell you that they're into you. And now you are telling them you're not into them, but you're like, I'm so sorry, I'm not into you.

Like, I feel so bad, like, you know, all that kind of stuff. And by the way, it's great for you to have feelings for how they feel, but we constantly make it feel like it's off fault. Right? And now that you say no to them and they say, oh, whoa, I still want to be friends or like, let's still connect or let's still talk. And then we feel even more sorry

because then we want to spend time with them because we want them to like us. But then we're like, oh, I don't mean I feel bad because maybe I'm still teasing them or maybe they're still into me or whatever it may be. And so now you're making out like this was all your fault. How many terms have you made it out? Be honest with me.

How many terms have you made it out that it's all your fault? How many times do you feel that way? That's actually at the root of constantly apologizing. You constantly apologize to your parents. You feel like the challenges they had were all your fault. You constantly apologize to your parents. You feel like the challenges they had were all your fault. You constantly apologize to your boss. You feel like everything is all your fault. How many of us walk around with that mindset that everything is our fault? That in some way if things are imperfect,

it's our fault. That it's our problem that we did something wrong that we made a mistake. Now, how do we work on that? How do we stop thinking everything's our fault? The biggest thing for me was to realize that if someone was an adult, they had to take responsibility for their actions. And I had to take responsibility for mine. If we're adults now, if we're over 18 years old, right, if we're over 21 years old, everyone is old enough to make their own decisions and do what is right for themselves and take care of themselves.

Yes, I'm there to support. Yes, I want to be a good friend, but I have to acknowledge that if something didn't work out, it is not my fault because we have to take accountability, right? We have to take accountability. And to me, instead of apologizing, what became a healthier solution was asking questions. So let's say that something didn't go the way someone wanted it to. Instead of me saying, oh, I'm so sorry, I'll sort it out.

I'll be like, well, how do you think it should have gone? What do you think we could have done better? What is it that you could have done and I could have done? How could we have approached this better? I found that replacing apologies with questions. Now again, I'm not saying, when you're at fault, don't say sorry, right, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that A, don't think everything is your fault.

And B, when something feels like it's being blamed on you or it's coming back to you, it's like, well, how should we deal with this? So going back to that idea of someone being into you and you feeling like it's all your fall, saying, well, let's navigate this better. How can we keep hanging out together if you're still into me? You can't just not be into me tomorrow.

If you ask that question, that person now has to think about it. Chances are they haven't thought about it. Chances are in their head, they're still thinking they're going to get you. They're still going to win you over. They're still going to find a way to lure you into their life if they're really into you, right? That's what they're thinking. But when you ask the question and say, well, wait a minute, how can we just hang out as friends? Because you just told me you're into me. And I'm not going to change my mind about you. So how's this going to work? And then all of a sudden they have to say, oh I'm not sure like, oh it will be fine. And it's like, well, no, how will it be fine? So asking questions is better than

saying, look, I'm so sorry this is going to be tough for you, but we'll figure it out. And then you start consoling them. This is huge, by the way. I hope I'll be listening and I hope that this is resonating with you. The third trait is not communicating your needs. This is a big one for people where we spend months go by, even years go by, and we never felt like we had an opinion, or we never felt like we could share our opinion, and then years later, we said, well, why never you ask me what I want?

And the person's like, well, you never said what you want. And it's interesting because we think that if we don't communicate what we want, then that person will be happy because they'll get to do what they want. And often if you're around someone who's quite a leader, they will lead with that way without even asking. But it's so important that you take time daily to sit down just for five minutes at the start of your day and five minutes at the end of your day. At the five minutes of the start of your day, ask yourself, what's the one thing I need to do today? To make today feel like a great day. I ask myself this every day, what's the one thing I need to do today?

To make today feel like a great day. And often the answer will be workout. Sometimes the answer will be sleep early. Sometimes the answer will be have dinner with friends. Sometimes the answer will be hang out with Rathi. Actually, it's hang out with Rathi pretty much every day, but that isn't always possible if we're traveling. But the idea is, if you have that one question, that one thing,

you're communicating your needs to yourself. Communicating your needs to yourself is the first step to a healthy relationship with someone else. It's not that you don't communicate your relation, your needs to them, it's that we don't communicate our needs to ourselves. Right, we're not even aware. So every day sit down at the start of the day, five minutes reflect, what's the one thing I need to do today to make today

a great day? And at the end of each day, ask yourself, have I done it yet? And how am I grateful for that I did for myself, reminding yourself, closing that loop, because too many of us don't even know what we want. Number four, signs of a people pleaser is that you often feel rejected or left out. You feel like everyone gets along, but somehow you're not getting along and in order to solve that feeling you try and people please, you try and over deliver, you try and be there and be everything and be around. And what I find for this one is that we often feel rejected and left out because we're

trying to be part of a group that we don't naturally fit into. There is a natural group for all of us all across the planet. For some people, it's a club, for some people, it's across the planet. For some people, it's a club, for some people, it's a cycling group, for some people, it's game night, for some people, but, you know, we always want to be part of that one group of friends. It's kind of like that movie Mean Girls, if you remember it.

And in fact, there are so many groups of friends at college or at high school, but everyone wants to be part of that one group, because we think that that one group is cooler, smarter, more attractive, more talented, more beautiful, whatever it may be. And the truth is that that isn't necessarily our group. And that's okay.

And even us wanting to be in that group is inauthentic. And I think that's what's so interesting. We think, oh my gosh, they're so inauthentic because they don't want to be my friend. And it's like, no, we're inauthentic for wanting to be at that party, for wanting to be in that friend group, for wanting to be in that circle.

So the soul for this is find your group, find different people for different things. I like to dabble in different social circles and I have friends that I see in different environments in different reasons, in that allows you to live a truly authentic life because not all my friends love football, not all my friends love game night, not all my friends love hanging out the pool, not all my friends love meditation.

And it allows me to be all of myself. And yes, there are a few people who know me completely 360 and that's beautiful, but we're trying so hard to be part of one group that we end up feeling rejected. When there are so many beautiful groups to be a part of and finding our misfits, right? It's like, let's be the misfits. Let's find our community,

rather than forcing ourselves into the community that we suppose is more interesting, more cool or more relevant or the place to be, which necessarily wouldn't make us happier. My name's Leverein Cox. I'm an actress, producer, fashionista, and host of the Leever and Cock Show. You may remember my award-winning first season?

I've been pretty busy, but there's always time to talk to incredible guests about important things. People like me have been screaming for years. We've got to watch the Supreme Court what they're doing is wrong, what they're doing is evil. They will take things away and I can only hope that doves is that like Pearl Harbor moment. Girl, you and I both know what it took to just get through the day in New York City and get home in one piece. And so the fact that we're here and what you've achieved and what I've achieved, you know, that's momentous. It's not just sitting around complaining about some bills. The only reason that you might think, as Chase said, that we're always measurable, is because people are constantly attacking us and we're constantly noticing it.

Listen to the The Burnt Cog Show on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Be sure to subscribe and share. Do you lay awake, scrolling at bedtime, or wake in the middle of the night and struggle to fall back to sleep? Start sleeping better tonight. I'm Catherine Nikolai, and my podcast, Nothing Much Happens, Bedtime Stories to Help You Sleep, has helped millions of people to get consistent deep sleep. I tell family-friendly bedtime stories that train you to drift off and return to sleep

quickly, and I use a few sleep-inducing techniques along the way that have many users asleep family-friendly bedtime stories that train you to drift off and return to sleep quickly. And I use a few sleep-inducing techniques along the way that have many users asleep within the first three minutes. I hear from listeners every day who have suffered for years with insomnia, anxiety at night time, and just plain old busy brain, who are now getting a full night's sleep every night. I call on my 20 years of experience as a yoga and meditation teacher to create a soft landing place where you can feel safe and relaxed and get excellent sleep. Listen to nothing much happens bedtime stories to help you sleep

with Catherine Nikolai on the iHeartRadio app Apple Podcast or wherever you get your podcasts. Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Now, the fifth trait is you tend to be agreeable. And this goes with the next one, sixth trait, which is you avoid conflict or tough conversations. So listen to this. 33% of men say they often mirror the behavior of others in social situations to make them comfortable. 34% of women say the same, so you tend to be agreeable.

Now, what's interesting the thing about this is agreeable, doesn't just mean I agree, right? It's not just saying yes, it's not as simple as that. What it actually is is if everyone's gossiping in a circle, you feel it's okay to gossip even if you don't do that in order to fit in. I fell into this trap with negativity. If I was standing in a room and everyone was sharing something negative

that they are experiencing or something bad, I would join in too even though that's not really where I place my energy. If everyone in a room is saying that they don't like something, you feel scared to voice your opinion. Now sometimes it's safe to not voice your opinion, of course. You have to be in a safe space to truly be unagreeable or disagreeable. But I find that we do it in those ways where,

like I said, like if someone is being negative, we be negative, if someone gossip, we gossip, if someone is being mean, we're mean, right? Like we mirror that. And that's what a third of people are saying is that we mirror other people's behavior. And what I found in this regard is we have to learn to share our opinion without being combative, right? We think that disagreeing has to be a debate.

We think that disagreeing has to be a dispute, but it doesn't. A disagreement is different from a dispute. It's different from a debate. It's different from deconstruction of an argument, right? You can share how you feel without being combative. How do you do that though? So let's take that example again of me feeling like I'm gonna be negative or I'm going to be gossipy.

Silence. Being quiet is one of the best ways to share your opinion without being combative. You're not on your high horse, you're not guiding everyone. The preachy version never works, right? Like telling everyone, hey guys, we shouldn't be doing this. Like that doesn't go down well. And so sometimes the best way of raising your voice is being silent in the sense that you don't join in. Now, if this is an issue you really care about, if this is an issue that's really important

and you can see people being really vocal about something that you don't agree with, you fighting them doesn't actually change how they feel about it. You making them feel bad about what they're saying doesn't make them change how they feel about it. What makes someone change how they feel about how they're saying doesn't make them change how they feel about it. What makes someone change how they feel about how they feel is when something is presented in such an awful, thoughtful way that they are charmed and disarmed by it. Right? If someone is shouting at you or if someone's telling you you're wrong, that doesn't change how you feel.

Well, changes how you feel is when someone proposes something with so much humility, when someone proposes something with so much peace and ease in their voice, in their heart and their eyes. And you think, huh, maybe they are right. Okay, and this, like I said, relates to the next one, which is you avoid conflicts or tough conversations. Two-thirds of Americans, including 70% of women and 63% of men, say they often go to great lengths to avoid conflict.

Now, I used to hate conflict and I don't enjoy it, definitely don't enjoy it, but I used to avoid it so badly. I used to be agreeable, be nice, be kind, just avoid the fight and think that that's the right thing to do. And what I realized is you don't have to get as far as a fight. Actually, if you put off conflict

and tough conversations too many times, that's what leads to a fight. Whereas if you're forward thinking, you can avoid a fight by actually having the tough conversation up front. The way that has helped me the most is practicing and rehearsing tough conversations. The biggest mistake with conflicts and tough conversations is that they are not practiced and not rehearsed and they happen spontaneously, randomly, when you're not in the right mindset and

not being articulate about what's going on. So if I want to have a tough conversation, I will make a list of notes to say, here is what we're struggling with. Here is the challenge and here is my solution. Notice how that is so different from, this is wrong, I just don't like how you feel about this, you need to change. If I walk someone through and I say, hey, these't like how you feel about this. You need to change. If I walk someone through and I say, Hey, these are the things I'm struggling with. Here's how it's causing a challenge for me. Here's the solution. What's your take? It transforms and if you've practiced and rehearsed that, it changes the quality of that conversation.

Now, I want to share one more trait with you. You don't want people to not like you, so you'll be anything or do anything. 64% of people say they often put other people's needs first at the expense of their own. Now this is the root of it. The root of all of it is we don't know who we are. We don't know who we are, so we're happy to be anyone and anything that anyone wants us to be. So how do I find who I am? Like how do you even work on that? Like what does that look like? Well, I want you to spend time doing an activity that I put at the beginning first chapter of my first book, Think Like A Monk. This activity asks you, what are your current values? How's the current mindset, so the ways you think?

Where did they come from? Did they come from your parents, your family, your school, your teacher, society, or yourself? And do you still want them to be your values? If you can do that activity in the first chapter of Think Like Among, what are your current values? Where did they come from? And do you still want to keep those values? It will transform how you realign with yourself. I want to thank you so much for tuning in

to today's podcast. I'm so grateful to all of you who are sharing on purpose with your world. I am so thankful for all the reviews. I saw all these reviews on Spotify that I didn't even know were there. It's incredible to see just how many of you have left beautiful reviews,

which I'm so, so grateful for. I'm so thankful for. And honestly, I'm just so grateful I got to meet so many of you this year. I love bumping into you on the streets. If you're an on purpose listener, tell me you're an on purpose listener. I tell me you're an on-purpose listener. I want to give you a big hug.

And I will see you again next week for another episode or I know a lot of you listening every day. Thank you for those of you who have made on-purpose a daily companion. Very grateful. See you soon. Check this out. On an average commercial flight, the captain has the autopilot engaged about 90% of the time. And some psychologists estimate that we make about 90% of our decisions similarly on autopilot without thinking. But unlike an airline pilot, when we

take our hands off the controls, we don't usually end up where we want to go. But don't worry, there's a simple way that we can stay dialed in. The next seven minutes are about intention and adding direction to the choices you make in life. I'm Jay Shetty, welcome to the Daily J. Now before we take off, let's pause and take three deep breaths to help us get centered. Breathing in and breathing out. inviting inward and releasing outward, opening up and settling in. Now, let me tell you a story. Before I started high school, if you'd have asked me what my worst subject was, I'd have said art, no question.

But then, I met Mr. Buckery. He was an art teacher in my school, tall and thin, and I remember how he always wore these red-checkered shirts and knit ties. I also remember something Mr. Buckridge would do that really bugged me, at least at first. He'd stroll around the room looking at our work, and each time he'd stop at my desk and ask me this question. Why? Like, why had I decided to use that colour combination?

I don't know, I'd say, because it looks cool. Mr. Buckridge would shake his head. That's not a real reason. He always pushed me to really think things through, to be clear about my choices. And honestly, that's where I first learned the power and the importance of intentionality. That lesson has helped me throughout my life, and it's one that can help you too. When I left high school, I had gone from being my worst class to my best. But it wasn't because I got good at painting or drawing. I didn't.

I'm still terrible at them. It's because I learned to look at the world through the lens of intention. And now today, if I'm launching a new project, or even just decorating my office, at every step along the way, I know my why. When we ask why, it's like turning on a light in a dark room. We're no longer just feeling our way around, hoping we'll eventually find the door. Instead, we have a vision and a direction. It also ensures that we're living with purpose, instead of being driven by unquestioned

impulses or unexamined emotions, that we're not living life on autopilot or playing follow the leader. Why is an opportunity to check in with yourself to make sure that your actions align with your values and your priorities. Here's a simple yet profound exercise. Today, at each decision point you encounter, as you contemplate your choice, pause and ask yourself, why? Okay, it doesn't have to be every decision considering how many we actually make in a day, but try to do it for a few hours. Why am I having cereal for breakfast?

Why am I opting to wear this shirt? Why am I stopping to buy a coffee on my way to work? And why did I choose this coffee shop? Remember answers like because it's cool or because I always do will get the Mr. Buckridge buzzer. Challenge yourself to go deeper. You might be surprised at what you discover and how being more thoughtful and deliberate impacts your life. I know it may seem like a little thing, but asking yourself why gives you back the controls so you can fly with direction and intention. And with that in mind, let's practice our intentionality as we turn to our meditation. First, get comfortable wherever you are and be purposeful about what that means for

you in this moment. During this practice, you shouldn't do anything just because it's what you usually do. Instead, be very deliberate. So, eyes open or closed. And consider why you're making that choice. Tune into your breath here and you can keep flowing along with your natural rhythm or mindfully breathe a little deeper. Feel free to hold your attention on your breath. Or consciously shift your awareness somewhere else, like a sensation in your body or a sound

in the environment. Now take a moment to think about your day so far. Why are you where you are right now? Why are you listening to the Daily J? Why are you listening at this time of day in this place? And now let's open this up. How often do you do things with clarity of purpose and intention? And how often would you say you're an autopilot? As you move through life, when and where could you ask yourself why? How could this transform your life for the better? Personally, my wife for the daily J is very clear.

I'm incredibly motivated to help others live their most mindful lives. I hope Mr. Buckridge would be proud. Thanks for being here, and I'll see you tomorrow. Does your brain keep you up at bedtime? I'm Catherine Nicolai, and my podcast Nothing Much Happens, bedtime stories to help you sleep has helped millions of people to get consistent deep sleep. My stories are family-friendly.

They celebrate everyday pleasures and train you over time to fall asleep faster with less waking in the night. Start sleeping better tonight. Listen to nothing much happens, bedtime stories to help you sleep with Catherine Nicholai on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Yes.