On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 8 Effective Ways To Rebuild Struggling Relationships

Episode Date: September 27, 2019

So many of us need to refuel, rebuild and or redo a relationship. Whether it’s with a friend, parent or spouse, this is the episode where you’ll learn ways to rebuild trust, and make it work. Relationships are the biggest cause for concern and stress for us. If you’ve had an argument with someone, that dwells in your mind the whole day. When you improve the way you nurture healthy relationships, your sense of well-being will thrive. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The Therapy for Black Girls podcast is your space to explore mental health, personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, and I can't wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday. Listen to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast on the iHort Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Take good care.

Hey, it's Debbie Brown, host of the Deeply Well podcast, where we hold conscious conversations with leaders and radical healers and wellness around topics that are meant to expand and support you on your wellbeing journey. Deeply well is your soft place to land, to work on yourself without judgment, to heal, to learn, to grow, to become who you deserve to be. Deeply well with Debbie Brown is available now on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Namaste. I'm Danny Shapiro, host of Family Secrets. It's

hard to believe we're entering our eighth season and yet we're constantly discovering new secrets. The variety of them continues to be astonishing. I can't wait to share ten incredible stories with you. Stories of tenacity, resilience, and the profoundly necessary excavation of long-held family secrets. Listen to season 8 of Family Secrets on the I Heart Radio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Yes, I want to figure this out as well. I want to work on this as well. I'm with you. We're in this together. We're a team. Right? We're a team. When you start recognizing and using language like that together but that will only happen when one of you chooses to articulate it so it may be a conversation that is encouraged or recommended by

one but that conversation has to end with two Hello, hello, hello, welcome to on purpose. My name is Jay Shetty and I'm so grateful and happy that you're here with me right now. I hope you've had an amazing week. I hope you've had an incredible week. And I hope that you're excited for the weekend ahead. Or if you're reading, if you're reading, if you're listening to this at a time when it's not a Friday, which is what it is today, which I expect you to be listening to this, then I hope you're having an amazing day wherever you are. But thank you so much for being here. And I'm really glad that you're enjoying all of this growth on self-work and love.

There are so many exciting things happening right now. I can't wait and I want to share them with you because I feel you know we're getting closer, we're building a relationship and I genuinely mean that like I feel like I'm getting to know those of you that are sharing their posts all the time on Instagram. I'm getting to see who's who's commenting all the time who's leaving the reviews. It means it means the world to me. A genuinely genuinely does. And today's podcast is a really, really important world to me, genuinely, genuinely does. And today's podcast is a really, really important one because I feel so many of us, so many of us want to rebuild relationships, so many of us want to rekindle a spark, so many of us want to renew the enthusiasm

we had in a relationship, so many of us need to refuel a relationship. So many of us need to redo a relationship. So many of us need to refuel, renew, rebuild, redevelop, whatever it may be, re-something a relationship. And whether that's with the partner, whether that's with your parents, whether it's with a child, whatever it may be, whatever relationship that you want to rebuild,

whether you're rebuilding trust, love, enthusiasm, energy, this is the podcast for you. And no matter whether you're going through a break up or you're not, there's all of us, all of us know that there are relationships in our life that we can heal. All of us know that relationships are the biggest cause for concern in our life, relationships the biggest stress in our life. It doesn't matter what car you drive, what home you're in, what holiday beach you're sitting

on. If you've had a disagreement with someone, if you've had an argument with someone, that's the front of mind, right? That's what you're thinking about. That's what's going on in your head. And so this podcast is gonna show you the methods, the ways in which I would recommend dealing with any situation. And of course, as I always add as a caveat,

if something has been abusive or extremely toxic, then of course, that's something that I recommend you get deep insights on. But for a lot of us, maybe it's just that you don't feel the spark anymore. Or maybe you're not as excited about each other as you were when you first met. Or maybe you've just been so busy that you haven't really connected or spent time with someone recently. And I know that because I live in L.A. right now, which is 10 hours away from London, which is where my mom and my dad and my sister are and my extended family are my wife's parents and my wife's family are there too. It's often hard

for us to spend quality time together. So I literally just got back from having spent a couple of weeks away with my wife and her family and then with my family as well, to make up for some of the time that we didn't get to spend time this year. And I know for a fact that when you're distant, it's so much easier for miscommunication, misconceptions, mis-expectations to arise. And all of that can be solved when you make

time to actually work through them effectively. So maybe you've been in one of these situations, or maybe you've been let down, or maybe someone's broken your trust, but inside, this is what I want you to ask yourself. Do you know that you want to make it work? And somewhere deep inside them, do they know that they want to make it work? This is such an important qualifying question. And I'll get to this in a bit, but it's such an important part of the process. Now, first of all, what you need to realize is that the feeling of wanting to rebuild, the feeling of wanting to renew, refuel, re, whatever else I said, a relationship is very normal, right? It's not weird or abnormal for this to happen.

It's not weird at all. Studies state, especially in romantic relationships, that 12 to 18 months is the amount of time it takes before we start to lose interest. And the original passion that brought us together, right, that's straight from a study, talking about how much time before we get bored, distracted, lose interest. And the beginning is full of excitement, surprises, learning about the other person, but then we get familiar. We get used to them.

We get used to their face their voice and what they say Right, we stop being our best selves and they stop being their best selves and We all get a little comfortable and this is normal. This is how humanity works We all get that stage and so if we know we're getting to that stage If you know you're getting to that stage or if you already got there This is about how you can turn it around stage, if you know you're getting to that stage, or if you've already got there, this is about how you can turn it around. If you both want to.

And therefore, the first step, the first step is so important and so often miss, so often forgotten, it's to mutually agree to work on this. Often what happens is that one person is trying to make things better independently. Right? How many times have you ever been in that situation where you're the one, you're putting in all the effort, you're putting in all the work, you're trying to change everything,

you're trying to make change happen, you're making all the sacrifices, you're putting in the extra work, the extra time into this relationship. And guess what? You experience nothing or very little in return. And guess what? You naturally give up. That's one scenario. Then what happens is that maybe the other one tries. And maybe now they're the one putting in the work, but

they don't feel any reciprocation. So they give up. This is what happens when you don't mutually agree to work on this. If you know deep down inside your heart that you want something to work, you have to go and make sure that they also want to make it work. It's what's known as a qualifying question. And this is used in sales all the time.

So you might be wondering, why am I using a qualifying question and a relationship? But it's really important. I'll give you an example. If someone walks in to a car sales dealership, a car dealership, I guess that's what it's called, a car dealership. If someone walks into one of those and if you start selling them the car and then, you know, 30 minutes go by and they haven't said anything and 40 minutes go by and they haven't said anything or maybe less. And then, and then they're like, oh, actually, I came to find another garage. Or maybe if it was shorter than that, they'll be like, oh, maybe I just came here to use

the bathroom, right? So you've just wasted all that time and energy trying to convince them of something without actually qualifying that that's what they're looking for. And this happens to so many people, right? We don't determine or diagnose or qualify and make sure that we're both working on the same thing. We just assume that we either are, or we're just like, okay, only I have to work on it,

I have to build it, and that's the only way it's going to work. And both of those don't work. So you have to mutually agree to work on this and make sure you qualify this. Conquer your New Year's resolution to be more productive with the Before Breakfast Podcast in each bite-sized daily episode. Time management and productivity expert, Laura Vandercam, teaches you how to make the most of your time, both at work and at home. These are the practical suggestions you need to get more done with your day.

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Listen to season eight of family secrets on the iHeart Radio app Apple podcasts or ever you get your podcasts. How's that New Year's resolution coming along? You know the one you made about paying off your pesky credit card debt and finally starting to save your retirement? Well you're not alone if you haven't made progress yet roughly four and five New Year's resolutions fail within the first month or two. But that doesn't have to be the case for you and your goals. Our podcast, how to money can Help. That's right, we're two best buds who've been at it for more than five years now,

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Millions of listeners have trusted us to help them achieve their financial goals. Ensure that your resolution turns into ongoing progress. Listen to how to money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. It's so important to communicate that you both want to make this work to each other. The best way to do this is be honest about what you want and see what the other person wants. Chances are if there has been nothing serious and it's just been time, distance,

busyness, or spark, you'll find that you can both look towards the same future. And if someone can't commit to this, if someone can't mutually agree, then why would you want to commit to them in the long term anyway? If someone's not open enough to be able to say to you that yes, I want to figure this out as well. I want to work on this as well. I'm with you. We're in this together. We're a team, right? We're a team. When you start recognizing and using language like that together, but that will only happen when one of you chooses to articulate it. So it may be a conversation that is encouraged, urged, or recommended by one. But that conversation has to end with two. Right? For this to really work, to rebuild any relationship,

the conversation starts with one, but it ends with two. Right? That's the only way. So that is step number one. And I recommend something that's really important in that is before that meeting, before that conversation, before that interaction, it's really important that you both write down what you're looking for what you want. And so then that person isn't just reacting to you in the meeting, but you're prepared. Now, step number two, even though you've mutually agreed to work on this, we have to take responsibility individually.

Let me explain. A really good thing to do is for each of you to make a list of everything you think you didn't do in the relationship. That's made it get like this, that's made it sour, right? What is it that you didn't do in the relationship. That's made it get like this, that's made it sour. Right? What is it that you didn't do? We usually make a list of what we think we did do and what the other person didn't do. But what I want you to make a list of is everything you feel you didn't do, which has made the relationship go in the wrong direction. Right? And I actually focus on what you think the other person did right. So usually we focus on what the other person did wrong and what we did right. And

I want you to flip it and I want the other person to flip it. I want you to focus on what you did wrong and what they did right. And I want them to focus on what you did right and what they did wrong, right? When you turn up to a meeting and a conversation with that, the results are incredible. Right? The results are amazing because when we make a list of our own improvements and share them, it's much less defensive. Right, when you walk into a meeting and you say, I could have improved on this and I know I could have done this better. And then they come back and say, yeah, you know what? I could have done this better.

You've just dropped the ego, the ego is now out, right? You have crushed the ego. You've stopped anyone from being defensive in that environment. You've removed the toxicity and the pain that comes from ego, right? And as importantly, you also get a chance to see whether what you're thinking went wrong and what they think is the same or different. You're subconsciously actually diagnosing

whether you both agree, whether the cause of the demise in the relationship is the same or different. So this is a great activity to assess expectations and what you truly believe is negatively affecting the relationship. And it's really important that both individuals come to this conversation, prepared with their lists,

so that you can articulate it clearly. And it's important that it's specific And it's important that it's specific. It's important that it's detailed. And right now, if you're listening to this and you're just like, Jay, I know this would never work. This is never gonna happen. It's too idealist. Whatever's going through your head right now,

do this for me. This is all I want you to do. Give it a go. Experiment. try it. Don't write it off. I have seen this method melt the toughest of hearts. I've seen this method move. The most stone-called people, I've seen this method allow people to really transform when someone comes and tells you the things

they did wrong. The natural human instinct is to be compassionate, empathetic and vulnerable rather than defensive, ego-tistic and arrogant. It's usually our ego, our defensive and our arrogance that puts the other person off, and then we're both playing from that perspective. So it's so important. Step one is mutually agree to work on their step two is take responsibility individually

for what you could have done better and what you actually loved about what the other person was doing right. Now, step number three, let go of the past. If you really wanna rebuild, if you really want to renew, if you really want to refuel, if you really want to restart,

you have to let go of the past. If you're dragging the past into this relationship, if you're going to bring it up again and again and again, you're never going to let someone move away from it. And if we don't let someone move away from their past, how can they build a future with us? If we don't let someone let go of their past, how can they build a future with us? If we don't let someone let go of their past, how can they build a future with us?

So often, we're the one who keeps someone's past alive in the present that they can't see a future with us. And so if you've mutually agreed to work on this, this is part of the deal. That doesn't mean you have to forget about it. Doesn't mean you have to be naive to it. It just means that if you haven't healed it, heal it, if you haven't solved it, solve it, if there's still something in the past that's getting on your nerves that you never clarified or you never said, this is the time. If you're

going to restart, you're going to refuel. This is the time to say it. This is the time to let it all out. You don't want to start with more hidden feelings. You don't want to start again with more hidden emotions and unsaid things. This is the moment you want to get it out. Select go after past. Don't drag yourself into someone's past and don't drag them back into it either. Right? Don't drag someone back into their past because that drags you with them. That is step number three. It's a really, really important one to recognize and remember. A good way to learn about a place is to talk to the people that live there. There's just this sexy vibe and Montreal, this pulse, this energy.

What was seen as a very snotty city, people call it Bosedangeless. New Orleans is a town that never forgets its pay. A great way to get to know a place is to get invited to a dinner party. Hi, I'm Brendan Francis Newton and not lost as my new travel podcast where a friend and I go places, see the sights, and try to finagle our way into a dinner party. We're kind of trying to get invited to a dinner party. It doesn't always work out.

I would love that, but I have like a Cholala who is aggressive towards strangers. I love you, dogs. We learn about the places we're visiting, yes, but we also learn about ourselves. I don't spend as much time thinking about how I'm gonna die alone when I'm traveling. But I get to travel with someone I love.

Oh, see, I love you too. And also, we get to eat as much. And I'm very sincere. I love you too. My life's a lot of therapy goes behind that. You're so white, I love it. Listen to Not Lost on the iHeart Radio App or wherever you get your podcasts. In the 1680s, a feisty opera singer burned down a nunnery

and stole away with her secret lover. In 1810, a pirate queen negotiated her cruise way to total freedom, with all their loot. During World War II, a flirtatious gambling double agent helped keep D-Day a secret from the Germans. What do these stories have in common? They're all about real women who were left out of your history books. If you're tired of missing out, check out the Womanica podcast, a daily women's history

podcast highlighting women you may not have heard of, but definitely should know about. I'm your host, Jenny Kaplan, and for me, diving into these stories is the best part of my day. I learned something new about women from around the world and leafyling amazed, inspired, and sometimes shocked. Listen on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is what it sounds like inside the box card. I'm journalist and I'm Morton in my podcast City of the Rails.

I plunged into the dark world of America's railroads, searching for my daughter Ruby, who ran off to hop train. I'm just like stuck on this train, not now where I'm going to end up, and I jump. Following my daughter, I found a secret city of unforgettable characters, living outside society, off the the grid and on the edge. I was in love with a lifestyle and the freedom this community. No one understands who we truly are. The rails made me question everything I knew about motherhood, history, and the thing we call the American Dream. It's the last vestige of American freedom. Everything about it is extreme.

You're either going to die or you can have this incredible rebirth and really understand who you are. Come with me to find out what waits for us in the City of the Rails. Listen to City of the Rails on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast or wherever you get your podcast. Or, cityoftherails.com. Step number four. This is probably one of my favorite things to do. And I recommend doing this even with people that love you and you love, right?

Like this is one of those things that I would do with anyone. I think it's a beautiful thing to do. And I did it for my wife this year for her birthday and some of you saw that I posted do with anyone. I think it's a beautiful thing to do. And I did it for my wife this year for her birthday and some of you saw that I posted on Instagram. She turned 29 this year, and I came up with 29 qualities that I see in her. And it was a really fun exercise for me to do as well, because I didn't just want to pick obvious things. I was like, she's my wife. We've been together for six years, we've married for three years, and I want to really think about what impact she has in my life

and who she really is and the quality she has. So this exercise is make a list of every quality you like it about the other person and explain them and write about them deeply and share it with them. This is so beautiful to do at the rebuilding process because at this time remember the wounds are still open. Remember the truss is still frail. Remember the feelings and the emotions are still fragile. It's so important to build foundational trust and that happens when you take the time to deeply recognize the goodness and the other person and the other person takes the time to deeply recognize the goodness in you. And this is why it's about the qualities and sharing moments maybe where you saw those qualities in action,

where you actually saw those qualities being demonstrated. It's easy to say to someone, hey, I think you're a really kind person, but then it's harder, and you're more of a friend, if you can actually tell that person an example where you've seen their kindness. So, I would recommend writing down, I would say, I'm not going to ask you to do 29, don't worry, I would say write down seven. Write down seven qualities of that person and seven things, seven moments, seven experiences where you have witnessed that quality in that person. that quality in that person because that exercise will build so much rapid trust, right? And I'm not talking about speeding up trust because you can't speed up trust. What I mean by rapid is it's accelerated, not just by speed but by depth.

And it will also make you realize why you're here. See, when you write down these seven things and those seven moments, you'll be like, yeah, I love this person, right? I should be excited about rebuilding with them. Like, I'm stupid to miss out on this person, right? Usually, you know, when you first meet someone, all you do is talk about how good they are and how amazing they are. And as you spend more time with them,

their negative things don't grow. They just become more apparent. And now you let those negatives overshadow and overway the positives. So you talk about those more. That's all that's happened. And so now you have to allow the positives to resurface. You have to allow those beautiful qualities to resurface.

So when you do this activity, you actually not just make the other person feel better. You actually remind yourself of why you're in this relationship. You strengthen the relationship for yourself and recommit and remind yourself, right? You remind yourself why you started in the first place. It's a really empowering thing for you as well. So this is beautiful. This is really great.

I hope you're really, really enjoying this. I hope you're learning from this. I hope this is being really, really powerful right now. And I hope this is really resonating with you. So step number five, you have to set expectations together. It's not about going back to how things were. I think this is one of the biggest mistakes we make in our relationships is the conversation is,

how do we go back to how things were? And I actually think this is a huge mistake. I think this is actually one of the biggest reasons why we trip up in relationships because we're always trying to go back to how things were and not creating the new, right? We're not creating the new. And the truth is that when you're trying to go back to how things were and not creating the new, right? We're not creating the new. And the truth is that when you're trying to go back to how things

were, you're always trying to recreate something that was beautiful then, but it may not make sense now. And we get so caught up trying to go back to things that we missed the fact that we're growing and they can be so much more to explore. And when you try to go back to something, you forget that you've both changed, you've evolved, you've transformed, you've grown, and you're actually ignoring all of that.

So it's so important to set expectations together of what you think you want this relationship to look like, but you don't want it to be about, oh, let's go back to how things were, oh, let's go back to the first place that we had our date. There's nothing wrong with us, good activity. But remember, it will be a different experience and And don't be sad if it's a different experience. I think that's where we struggle. We get sad if we do the same thing twice.

And the second time is different. We think of everything as worse or better. But actually, we should see it as different. Every experience is different. When you sit the sunset every day, it's not necessarily that the sunset is better or worse. It's different. Every experience is different. When you sit the sunset every day, it's not necessarily that the sunset is better or worse, it's different. We have to start seeing experiences as diverse as opposed to good and worse. We have to start seeing experiences as diverse as opposed to good and worse or good and bad. That's how we have to start looking at things so don't get lost in the trap of Trying to go back to how things were Building create the new

That's step number five now step number six Set regular check-ins Communication is not just one off. This isn't like a regular check-ins. Communication is not just one-off. This isn't like an annual general meeting, and that's it. It's done, right? We had this meeting once, and we hope we've figured it out, and it's all done now. You have to set regular check-ins. Make sure you check in every two weeks, every month, right? To see how things are going, how you're progressing. And you're thinking, wow, Jay, this sounds so like, this sounds so organized and structured. This isn't love. This

is in a relationship where guess what? Last time you tried it the other way, that didn't end up with a love and relationship either. Try this way. Why? Because you've got two minds, two lives, two totally unique experiences. How can you not need communication?

And one of the biggest, biggest issues in relationships is the lack of communication. And the only way to solve that is to set regular check-ins. I recommend once every two weeks, once every month, looking at your list of notes, looking at your commitments, looking at your expectations, checking in with each other, showing each other that you care,

showing each other that this is important. Right? Showing each other that this is important. Right? Showing each other that this is valuable. And sharing with each other what's going right and what's not going wrong. And this is where we have to not judge each other. When you know both of you are trying, you have to give each other the benefit of the doubt.

And you have to say, I know you're trying this, but this is what I'm looking for. And I know I'm getting this wrong too. And you continue that conversation in a non-defensive, defensive, non judgmental way. Try this out. Number seven is prioritize the things that you find. When you learn that you're partner needs something, when you learn that this person needs something, prioritize that.

Don't just pass it off as a key piece of information that you apply to a birthday. Use it. It's powerful information. Act on it. Act on it as quick as possible. Don't just let it go. Don't just let it be. Don't say, oh yeah, I'll deal with it when it comes to Christmas or Valentine's Day. Act on it. Anything that you learn about that person, start acting on it now. It builds trust, develops growth. It's so, so powerful. And so many of us don't do that. We learn something about someone, but we don't act on it. Act on it immediately. As soon as you learn about something, something about someone, act on it, this is a good principle. Overall, when you learn something about someone, act on it. Guess what? They'll remember it. You'll remember it. And it builds a really nice environment. If you learn something about someone act on it, guess what? They'll remember it. You'll remember it

And it builds a really nice environment if you learn that someone likes a particular type of restaurant Take them to that restaurant if you learn that someone likes a particular type of gift get them that gift Whatever you learn about that person put it into action and Point number eight Patients and passion go together If you care if you're passionate, you gotta be patient. It's gonna take time. The old cliche, it's gonna take time,

but it's true. Patience, persistence, passion, all go together, all go together. And patience, persistence and passion will get you there. Again, checking that it's mutual, again, checking that you're in it together, again, making sure that this is a team partnership, making sure it's a team effort, and then you'll move in completely the right direction. So these are the eight ways to rebuild, restart, refuel, renew your relationship. And these are really conversational discussion-based pieces.

This isn't just about shoving the issue under the carpet. This is actually getting to the root of the issue. So the eight of this, number one, mutually agree to work on this. Number two, take individual responsibility. Number three, let go of the past. Number four, make a list of every quality you love about them. Number five, set expectations together. Number six, set regular check-ins. Number seven, prioritize the things that you found out. And number eight, patience, persistence, and passion. There is no substitute. As long as that's mutual, it's the right place to be. I hope that this episode is going to help you rebuild those

relationships. The 75-year-old Harvard study has been quoted to show that relationships. So the number one cause of happiness and of course, if something calls you so much joy, it can also equally cause you so much pain. I'm praying and meditating and hoping that these insights help you in your life, no matter how hard they sound or idyllic they sound. Like I said, I have seen this change lives, implement it, use it, make it practical, do it in your own way, do it in your own style, do it with your own language, but do it and try it out maybe on a relationship where you actually see things going in the right direction. See,

these things don't always have to be reactive or responsive. We can be proactive with these things. Doing this in a relationship that works is a beautiful place to start. This applies to every relationship in your life. Don't limit your potential, don't settle. I can't wait for you to grow with this. Thank you so much for listening. Let me know what is the top one that you're trying out, how it's working for you. I love seeing your growth. Make sure you leave a review if you haven't. I'd love, love, love for you to leave a review on the podcast. It means so much to me that we now have nearly like 9,000 five star reviews or thereabouts. It's so, so incredible. I'm so grateful to each and every single one of you. Thank you for being a listener of on purpose and more than a listener. Thank you for being a contributor. Thank you for being a part of the community. I'm so grateful to have you here. Thanks for listening.

I am Janla Van Zant and I'll be your host for The R Spot. Each week listeners will call me live to discuss their relationship issues. Nothing will tear a relationship down faster than two people with no vision. Does y'all are just floppin' around like fish out of water? Mommy, daddy, your ex, I'll be talking about those things and so much more.

Check out The R Spot on the iHeart video app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you listen to podcasts. I'm Dr. Romani and I am back with season 2 of my podcast, Navigating Narcissism. This season we dive deeper into highlighting red flags and spotting a narcissist before they spot you. Each week you'll hear stories from survivors who have navigated through toxic relationships, gaslighting, love bombing, and their process of healing.

Listen to navigating narcissism on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Brendan Francis Nuneum. I'm a journalist, a wanderer, and a bit of a bond vivant, but mostly a human just trying to figure out what it's all about. And not lost is my new podcast about all those things. It's a travel show where each week I go with a friend to a new place and to really understand it, I try to get invited to a local's house for dinner, where kind of trying to get invited

to a dinner party, it doesn't always work out. Ooh, I have to get invited to a local's house for dinner where kind of trying to get invited to a dinner party It doesn't always work out. Ooh, I have to get back to you. Listen to not lost on the iHeart radio app or wherever you get your podcasts