On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 8 Signs You Are Subtle Settling In Your Relationship & Overcome the Fear of Being Alone

Episode Date: June 7, 2024

Do you often feel unappreciated by your partner? Do you avoid addressing issues to keep the peace? Today, Jay tackles a common yet often overlooked issue in relationships: subtle settling. He begins by acknowledging the pervasive uncertainty many people face about their partners and the fear of being alone that often drives them to stay in unfulfilling relationships. Is it true that the lack of current excitement or passion necessarily indicates settling. One of the key questions Jay poses is whether individuals feel they can be their true selves with their partners. He highlights the importance of authenticity in relationships, sharing anecdotes about how people often hide or underplay parts of themselves to be more likable, which ultimately leads to losing their true identity. In this episode, you'll learn: How to foster emotional availability How to deal with unrealistic expectations How to ensure mutual respect in your relationship How to discuss important issues in a healthy way Healthy communication is another crucial aspect in all relationships. This episode is a must-listen for anyone seeking to ensure they are not compromising their happiness and well-being in their relationships. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 01:24 Subtle Settling 02:26 #1: Do You Feel Like You Can Truly Be Yourself? 07:18 #2: Do You Discuss Important Things In A Healthy Way? 13:19 #3: Do You Feel A Sense Of Respect? 15:36 #4: Are You Scared Of Being Lonely? 20:58 #5: Do You Compare Your Partner To Other People? 22:23 #6: Do They Understand Why You Are The Way You Are? 23:53 #7: Can They Tolerate Your Weaknesses And Can You Tolerate Theirs? 24:53 #8: You're Subtle Settling If It's A Financial DecisionSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on America's number one podcast network, iHeart. Open your free iHeart app and search Grown Up Stuff. You can't shame or blame your partner into change. You can only inspire them into change. You can only engage them into change. So you pointing out all their flaws, you pointing out all their weaknesses, isn't going to solve the problem. The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty.

The one, the only Jay Shetty. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world, thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to listen, learn and grow. Now today's episode is inspired by so many conversations I've had this week whether it's with friends, family members, clients, people I've been talking to and what I've realized is that there's this feeling of am I settling?

I know a lot of people in relationships right now who are not sure whether they're with the right person, whether they're with their person, or whether they're with a person that they want to spend the rest of their life with. But at the same time, they're worried about being alone. They're concerned about having to be out there again. A lot of people are nervous and anxious around dating right now.

And I know you're either one of those people or you know one of those people, or you're thinking of someone right now. And this general belief around subtle settling is if you don't feel passionate for your partner anymore, or you don't feel excited about them anymore. And I want to really look at that closely because I don't believe that a lack of excitement currently or a lack of passion currently are good enough signs that you're settling. And I want to talk about how passion and excitement can actually be created and also be lost and diminished.

So this episode is for you or your friend if you think someone's settling. This episode is for you if you want to make sure you never settle and know what it takes to create a healthy meaningful relationship. And this episode is for you if you just feel like you've lost the spark, you've lost your way and you want to get it back. I'm going to give you a set of questions that are going to help you reflect through this. You can even share this episode with a friend or you can discuss it with them and answer these questions together. So the first question to figure out whether you're subtle settling and I think this subtle

settling point is really important because you know when you're settling, right? When you've like totally settled and you're like, oh, I'm really compromising here. But subtle settling is this idea of, well, I kind of don't know. I'm not really sure. Maybe it'll be okay. And that's why these questions are so important. So the first question is, do you feel like you can truly be yourself? Now, what does it mean to be yourself? This is a really important question for you to answer on your own. What do you think it means to be yourself?

Does it mean to be goofy? Does it mean to be fun? Does it mean to be silly? Does it mean to be serious and deep and profound? Does it mean to be fun? Does it mean to be silly? Does it mean to be serious and deep and profound? Does it mean to be both of those things? I was talking to a friend the other day and she was saying that this guy that she's kind of seeing just started following her on Instagram. And she was scared because on Instagram she feels like she's really herself.

She's funny, she's silly, she's goofy. And she was thinking, oh gosh, now that he follows me, is that gonna affect our dating? And then she realized, she said, well actually it's good that he's seeing it because then he knows the real me. He knows who he's gonna come home to. He knows who he's gonna catch up with.

He knows the kind of person I truly am. And if he doesn't wanna be with that version of me, then it's gonna be hard for him to be with me. Now that takes a lot of confidence. It takes a lot of courage to be able that version of me, then it's going to be hard for him to be with me. Now that takes a lot of confidence. It takes a lot of courage to be able to say that. But it is true. How many of you, and be honest with yourself, how many of you have hidden parts of yourself so that people like you more? How many of you have underplayed parts of yourself so that people like you more? How many of you have underplayed parts of yourself so that people like you more? How many of you have limited, held back, given less of yourself so that people like you more?

We mould, we shape-shift, we transform because we want people to like us. But in that process, we diminish, lose and restrict parts of our best selves. And what we don't realize is the person we want to be with will like us for all of us and be okay with the parts that they don't like but recognize they're a part of us as opposed to trying to find someone who likes certain things about us and doesn't even know about the other things about us. And I know it's hard. We want that person in our life so bad. We're so attracted to them. We're such people pleases. We want that person to like us no matter what the cost is. But we don't realize that we lose ourselves by trying to get someone else to like us.

We lose ourselves by trying to get someone else to love us. We lose ourselves by trying to find someone else. And so I want to remind you, can you be all parts of yourself with this individual? And here's the important part. They don't have to understand all of you. They don't even have to like all of it. They just have to know that that's who you are. They have to be okay with it. And we have to have the same back.

And I think that's one of the things we've lost. We think that the person that loves us will love all of us. Now the truth is that someone can love all of you but still not resonate with all of you and may not understand all of it and that's natural. But you have to feel like you can be yourself and you have to feel like you're allowing that person to be themselves. Because I think one of the things we miss out on is we don't realize the amount of pressure we put on someone else to also behave in ways that we like.

We don't realize how much pressure and judgment we place on others that they're scared of showing that part of themselves. I have a guy friend of mine who's so scared of showing his softer vulnerable side because he thinks his partner just wants the alpha, wants the kind of like tough exterior version of him. Now I'm not saying that he's read his partner right or that he's sure about that, but it's interesting that he also feels that he's holding

parts of himself back because they're not invited. What parts of your partner are you not inviting forward? What parts of your partner are you not allowing to come through? Think about that. So are you being all of yourself and are you allowing your partner to be all of themselves? That's an important part of recognising you're not settling. Point number two. Do you discuss important things in a healthy way?

Now, so many of us have got so used to drama, we've got so used to anxiety, we've got so used to arguments that if you're having peaceful, thoughtful discussions, we undervalue them, we underestimate them. We think where's the drama, where's the passion, right? It's interesting how when you're having a debate, there's passion. It can be exciting. It can even be exhilarating when you're having an argument.

That can be kind of like a turn on, but we don't realize that if all of that's done in an unhealthy way, then that passion we're also feeling is somewhat unhealthy. Sometimes peace doesn't feel like passion. Peace feels like security. Peace feels like stability. Peace feels like sureness. Peace feels like energizing,

but not necessarily intoxicating. And I think so many of us have got lost in that belief of wanting something intoxicating, that we lose the thing that's energizing and enlivening. So do you discuss important things in a healthy way? Now here's what I've realized. A lot of the challenges I see in couples can be broken down into two things.

The first is one person has unrealistic expectations. Now, both people can have unrealistic expectations, but generally I find one person has unrealistic expectations, like I want them to be ambitious and I want them to be available all of the time. Listen up, there is no one who is ambitious who is available all the time or we want someone who's super organized and super spontaneous. Those two things don't always go together or we want someone who's really, really kind and really, really caring, but then we also want them to be in control.

I'm not saying these things are impossible, but sometimes we have really unrealistic expectations where we've genuinely put two polar opposite values and demands into place. And now when our partner is one of them, we're like, well, wait a minute, why are you not the other? And then when the partner is the other one, like, well, wait a minute, why are you not the other? And then when the partner's the other one, we're like, wait a minute, why are you not the other thing? And that just goes on and on and on

and it just keeps repeating itself. It keeps going crazy and it doesn't really help us. So do you discuss important things in a healthy way? Now, that was one of the issues that people have. The other issue that I find is the lack of emotional availability, the lack of vulnerability, the lack of being able to talk things through, the lack of having a transparent conversation. What I find is those are generally the roots to a lot of the reasons

why we don't have healthy conversations. One is because someone's demanding something unrealistic. The other is because someone's not open enough to have that conversation. I wanna throw this out there. If your partner is not good at having vulnerable, open, honest conversations about how they're feeling, you telling them that they're not vulnerable,

telling them and targeting them, saying that they're not open, and telling them that they're not curious enough, they're not thoughtful enough, isn't going to inspire them to become that way. We have to learn to inspire our partners to be that person, not interrogate, investigate and push them to be that person. Most of us are trying to blame our partners into change. We're trying to shame our partners into change. Here's a true story.

You can't shame or blame your partner into change. You can only inspire them into change. You can only engage them into change, right? You can't blame and shame them into change. So you pointing out all their flaws, you pointing out all their weaknesses isn't going to solve the problem. It isn't going to fix the challenge that they're facing. You have to ask yourself, am I inspiring this person?

Am I helping them with this change? Am I encouraging them or really am I just becoming their parent? Am I just pushing them around? Am I just forcing with this change? Am I encouraging them or really am I just becoming their parent? Am I just pushing them around? Am I just forcing them to change? That's not discussing things in a healthy way. We say, wait a minute, I laid out the roadmap for them. I told them exactly what they needed to do. I told them exactly what I wanted.

Well, by the way, that doesn't sound like a partnership. It sounds like ownership, right? So I want you to really think about that. If you want your partner to think about something, to be a certain way that you think is useful for the relationship, you have to think about how that's inspired, how that's encouraged. That's how a coach thinks.

You don't want to fear them into it. You don't want it to be an ultimatum, right? Now at the same time, if you're the person who's looking at your partner and just thinking, wow, they have some unrealistic expectations of me, I'll never be that. I think it's really important to sit them down and have a conversation and say, that's not who I plan to be. This is who I plan to be. And by the way, in order to do that, you need to be clear on who you plan to be.

this is who I plan to be. And by the way, in order to do that, you need to be clear on who you plan to be. And a lot of us, in order to stay with the person and just keep, you know, pacifying them, we're like, oh yeah, I'll do that little thing. Oh yeah, yeah, I'll apply for that job. Oh yeah, yeah, I'll work a little harder. And guess what?

It lasts for a couple of weeks and then we don't want to be that person anymore. So don't pretend to say you're going to become someone that you don't want to be because your partner wants you to be them. So much is lost in the pretending to be the person our partner wants us to be, whether it's pretending to be more vulnerable and open, or whether it's pretending to be someone we're not.

Now, I'm not saying we go the other way and say, I'm not going to do anything. I'm not going to change. I'm not going to grow. I'm not going to do anything, I'm not going to change, I'm not going to grow, I'm not going to evolve. We're trying to inspire change and we're trying to be honest about how fast we can change. Hey everyone, it's Jay here. My wife and I have had so much fun creating our own sparkling tea Juni and I've got big news for you.

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at Target. So head to our store locator at drinkjuni.com and find Juni at a Target near you. Number 3 to check whether you're subtle settling. Do you respect how they treat you? Do you respect how they talk to you? This isn't like do they throw rose petals at the ground you walk on, right? It's, do you feel a sense of respect? And what do you measure as respect? And do they know that you measure that as a sign of respect? Most of us respect one thing and we measure that thing in our partner,

but guess what? They respect another thing and they're measuring that. So often in our relationships, our respect languages are different. Imagine you're measuring, analyzing, and observing a completely different thing in another person. Imagine someone was observing how you're dressed and the other person's observing your accent.

You're both measuring completely different things and then you're making a decision about whether that person's observing your accent. You're both measuring completely different things and then you're making a decision about whether that person is good or not. That's kind of what we're doing in getting mixed up about respect. If someone respects you, that is probably the greatest form of a relationship possible.

That's not settling at all. And I would say that someone respects who you are more than what you achieve. I think a lot of us are after, do our partners respect our achievements? Do our partners respect us when we do something amazing in our career? Do they respect us? Do they validate us? Do they approve what we've achieved, what we've done?

Real respect is, does that person respect who I am? Do they respect me regardless? Do they respect me regardless? Do they respect me beyond all of this? I've talked about this before, for a long time in my relationship, my male ego wanted Radhi to respect me because of what I achieved. And really what I realized is I was trying to achieve in order to respect myself. And therefore I wanted her to respect me for that because then I would be worthy enough.

And all the time I was missing the point that Radhi respects me. She's been with me when I've had nothing. She's been with me when I failed. She's been with me since I've started. And she's been grateful ever since. Isn't that the deepest form of love and respect? So I would ask you to assess that with your partner. Reflect on that.

Number four, are you scared of being lonely? If you are scared of being lonely and that's why you're staying with your partner, chances are you're subtle settling. And that's a hard truth. It's an inconvenient truth. Because so many of us are subtle, settling, because we don't want to be alone. We're scared of not having someone to go home to. We're scared of not having that person that we call when we're on a car journey. We're scared of having to go to sleep on our own and that fear is creating and forming the basis, the foundation of a relationship. Fear is an

unhealthy foundation for any relationship. I'll say that again. Fear is an unhealthy foundation for any relationship. If fear is the foundation of your relationship, you are subtle settling. Whatever that fear may be, one of them is the fear of being alone. I was talking to a friend the other day and I said to him, you just have to block that person. He has someone in his life who keeps walking in, keeps walking out, and he loves it because he doesn't want to be alone.

And I said, I think it's about time you block them. Like you keep breaking up and getting back together and breaking up and getting back together and I can see how unhealthy it is for you. And yes, you're scared of being alone, but you know what's scarier is being in this situation in 10 years time. And I said to him, which one are you more scared of? Are you more scared of being alone for the next two years or are you more scared of being in this situation

in seven years time when you're seven years older and you've lost seven years of your life? And he said, when you put it that way, I was like, yeah, you have to put it that way. Right, you have to put your life into perspective. When you look at everything through the next three months, the next three months, the next three months, the next three months, you'll keep elongating and extending even a bad situation because

you're thinking about the next three months. Whereas when you start looking at it through the lens of the next three years, being three years older, three years into your career, three years wiser, three years smarter, and then you look at it, everything's put into perspective. As Wayne Dyer used to say, when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. I think often we either look at things too short term,

especially in relationships, especially with loneliness. Now I was talking to a friend the other day about my book, Eight Rules of Love. She was reading it. And she was saying she really liked the reframing of loneliness to solitude. And she's been exploring what solitude means for her. And I was saying that this is what we need to do. Our mind has created a story around loneliness. You're not good enough, you're not worthy, you don't have a plus one.

All your friends say things like, oh, we've got to find you a person. We can't have you be single for too long. Oh, we've got to hook you up. Right? That becomes the rhetoric. So our story around being alone, we have a story around every word. Right? If I say the word fear,

you have a story around that. If I say the word power, you have a story around that. If I say the word money, you have a story around that. If I say the word fame, you have a story around that. If I say the word failure, you got a story. And if I say the word success, you've got a story. You and your mind and your thoughts have a story around every word. The goal of our life is to rewrite, retell and reshare our stories around our life. What is the story you want around being alone? Is it that you're lonely or is it that you're in solitude? What is your story around being single?

Is it about being empowered or is it that you're not worthy? What is your story about being in a relationship? Is it a necessity or is it something that you're building and nurturing? What is your story about being a relationship? Is it a necessity? Or is it something that you're building and nurturing? What is your story about being a failure? Is it that you're not sharing your life with someone? Or is it that failing is not knowing yourself and therefore picking the wrong person? We have to rewrite, retell, redefine what our story around these important words in our life are. And love, love is an important word to think about what our story is about it. What is your story about the word love?

Is it that you don't deserve it? Is it that you don't need it? Right? One side is I don't deserve it. The other side is the ego and arrogance of I don't need it. I don't deserve it. The other side is the ego and arrogance of I don't need it. I don't need anyone. Notice how attachment and aversion are two sides of the same coin, the Bhagavad Gita says. The Bhagavad Gita says attachment and aversion are two sides of the same coin.

They're both an addiction. Right? If we hate something or we obsess over it, we're giving it the same energy. But let's tell a better story. Let's tell a smarter story. Let's tell a more thoughtful story about that. When you find that bright spot to help you get through your day, it's powerful. That's where the bright side comes in. A new daily podcast from Hello Sunshine that's bringing you a daily dose of joy. I'm Danielle Robay. And I'm Simone Boyce. Listen, both Danielle and I are reporters. We've covered the news and

we know the world can feel heavy, but the Bright Side podcast is a space to have a little fun, to learn something new, and get into some friendly debates. That's right. Join us five days a week to see how life can look from the bright side. We'll hear from celebrities, authors, experts, and listeners like you. Whether That's right. Join us five days a week to see how life can look from the bright side. We'll hear from celebrities, authors, experts, and listeners like you. Whether it's relationships, friend advice, or figuring out how to navigate life's transitions, we'll talk through it all together. Listen to The Bright Side from Hello Sunshine every weekday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple

Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. A new season of Bridgerton is here. And with it, a new season of Bridgerton, the official podcast. I'm your host, Gabrielle Collins. And this season, we are bringing fans even deeper into the ton. Colin Bridgerton has returned from his travels abroad. Is betrothal written in the stars for the eligible bachelor? Meanwhile, the ton is reverberating with speculation of who holds Lady Whistledown's pen. We're discussing it all. I sit down with Nicola Coughlin, Luke Newton, Shonda Rhimes, and more to offer an exclusive peek behind the scenes of each episode of the new season. Watch season three of the Shondaland series on Netflix. Then, fall in love all over again

by listening to Bridgerton the Official Podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Subscribe to catch a new episode every Thursday. Afghans did it anyway. This is the story of how a group of people brought music back to Afghanistan by creating their own version of American Idol. The danger they endured. They said my head should be cut off. The joy they brought to the nation. You're free completely. No one they brought to the nation. You're free completely. No one is there to destroy you.

I'm John Legend. Listen to Afghan Star on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Number five. Do you compare your partner to other people? You're subtle settling if you keep comparing your partner to other people for qualities they'll never have. And when you're making someone feel that way, you're also disintegrating their self-esteem and their confidence.

You're subtle settling, move away. If you keep comparing that person, okay, you want something else. And you may say, oh no, but I don't really mean it. Well, don't think about it then. You're comparing that person because you want them to be more this or less this. More that or less that, right? More of this and less of that. That person because you want them to be more this or less this. More that or less that.

Right? More of this and less of that. That's what you want. If you're comparing your partner to other people, you're subtle settling. If you're comparing them in a way to fall more in love with them, that's different, right? If you're comparing them in the sense of like, Oh, actually, I'm so grateful to have this person because, you know, I've seen what my friends are going through. That's different.

But if you're comparing them on the level of, I've seen what my friends are going through. That's different. But if you're comparing them on the level of I wish they had that, oh look at that person, their partner's always thinking about them, their partner organizes the best birthdays, their partner's got the best career, their partner makes more money, their partner has a better career,

their partner, you know, their partner makes time whatever it may be. You're so settling or you're not grateful enough. And that's what I want you to reflect on. Is it that you're settling orettling or you're not grateful enough. And that's what I want you to reflect on. Is it that you're settling or is it that you're not grateful? Could be either or. The next principle, number six, is do they understand why you are the way you are and do they take interest? Do they understand the depths of you? Are they are trying to understand your context? I said this to someone recently who was asking me for relationship advice.

I said, a real relationship is where you've tried to understand not how the person is and how they behave and who they've become. It's how they became that. What did they go through? How did they become that person? Why are they that person? Are you curious to understand that? Because I promise you that context

will make you connect on a much deeper level. But if you don't have that context, you'll never truly know. So ask yourself, do you know the context of why your partner is the way they are? And have you shared the context of why you are the way you are? Right? Have you are. Right?

Have you figured that out? It's so important. That is not settling. If your partner is taking an interest in you and if you're taking an interest in them and if you've started and if you haven't done that, try it out. I think a lot of us expect our partners or people we're dating or seeing to already have these skills. And actually the purpose of a relationship is that you're both challenged to build these skills.

Right, a relationship isn't a relationship where you both come in with all these skills. The point is the relationship challenges you to develop these skills. And the question you're asking is, do I want to develop these skills with this person? And do they want to develop these skills with me? There's two more I want to share with you.

Can they tolerate your weaknesses and can you tolerate theirs? Everyone you meet will have flaws, weaknesses and make mistakes. The question you're asking yourself is, are these the ones I want to deal with? Everyone's going to have something. Are these the ones I'm comfortable with dealing with? There is going to be some mistake, there's going to be some flaw, am I okay with this one? And your subtle settling,

if you're accepting less than you deserve, of course, if you're going through verbal, emotional, physical abuse, then that isn't something that you negotiate with. Those are non-negotiables, and those are based on your self-respect. And a big part of it is that subtle settling happens when we don't have a sense of self-respect. It's not arrogance, it's not ego. It's do I respect myself?

Do I understand what human level of respect is? And the final one is financial dependence. You're subtle settling if it's a financial decision. If it's purely financial, it's subtle settling. I get it. I understand it. I empathize with it. But you know that if it's just based on that, then you're easily losing out. So I hope this episode helps you make a sense of subtle settling.

I hope it also helps you move towards a healthier relationship. And I hope it helps you help your friends think through these dilemmas. Thank you so much for listening to On Purpose. Make sure you pass this on to a friend. And here's a reminder for you. I am forever in your corner and I'm always rooting for you. Thanks for listening. If you love this episode, you'll enjoy my interview with Dr. Julie Smith on unblocking negative emotions and how to embrace difficult feelings.

You've just got to be motivated every day. And if you're not, then what are you doing? And actually, humans don't work that way. Motivation, you have to treat it like any other emotion. Some days it will be there, some days it won't. Guess what, Will? What's that, Mango? I've been trying to write a promo for our podcast, Part-Time Genius, but even though we've done over 250 episodes, we don't really talk about murders or cults. I mean, we did just cover the Illuminati of cheese, so I feel like that makes us pretty edgy. We also solve mysteries like how Chinese is your Chinese food, and how do dollar stores make money, and then of course, can you game a dog show?

So what you're saying is everyone should be listening. Listen to Part-Time Genius on the iHeart Radio app or wherever you get your podcasts. This is the story of how a group of people brought music back to Afghanistan by creating their own version of American Idol. The joy they brought to the nation. You're free completely. No one is there to destroy you.

The danger they endured. They said my head should be cut off. I'm John Legend. Listen to Afghan Star on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.