On Purpose with Jay Shetty - Can You Be Friends with Your Ex? 3 Things to Think About Before You Do

Episode Date: March 29, 2019

When it comes to relationship questions this is probably the toughest one - can you be friends with your ex?Is it the right decision? Well, it’s complicated.Today’s episode I’m going to share with your some of the studies, insights, and thoughts that are going to help you decide for yourself.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Keep posting what your thoughts, reflections, ideas are that stick in your mind on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, wherever it may be because I'm always looking out for what's really connecting with you all and what's resonating with you all. Now, today's topic is something that I believe all of us think about. When it comes to relationship questions, this is probably the toughest one. And I mean it, this is probably the one we struggle with the most. This is probably the one we struggle with the most This is probably the one that we find challenging. This is probably the one where we're like what's the right answer?

I don't know how to go about it So today I'm really hoping to share some insight share some thoughts share some reflections that are going to help you Make the decision when it comes to this question. And that question is, can you be friends with your ex? Can you be friends with your ex? Now just hearing that question makes me think, oh wow, this is a huge, complex topic with so many different facets, so many different opinions, so many different perspectives. So I'm going to share with you some of the studies,

some of the insights, some of my thoughts, some stories from people that I know, things that people have been through, that's going to help you make your decision better. How many times have you been in that position? Where you think, should I be friends with my ex? Is this the right decision? And whether it's been a long-term or a short-term relationship, where you think, should I be friends with my ex? Is this the right decision?

And whether it's been a long term or a short term relationship, it happens to each and every one of us, right? It happens to each and every one of us. Some of us want to remain in a civil relationship and continue a friendship like we might have had before. And some of us are like, I never want to see that person's face ever again. Which one are you in right now if you're listening?

You know exactly where you are. Are you in the camp that says, you know what? We had something special. I want to continue this friendship. I see the value in it. Or are you in the camp that goes, I never want to talk that person again. I never want to see that person again.

I never even want to see that person's name again. I'm going to delete them off of my social media. I'm going to unfollow them on Instagram. I'm going to delete their phone number. And some of us, maybe, I just stalking them on social media. Maybe some of us have unfollowed them, but we keep going back through it. And we keep going back to it.

So today, I want to talk to you about some of the reasons that can be very clear to know when to cut ties with the next and also when to stay friends. And if you choose to do that or whichever one you decide to do, how to reflect and think about it. This is for anyone who's broken up in a relationship, whatever situation you're in, this will apply because we all go through this at one point in our lives. So I want to start off by talking about when it's possible to cut ties with an X. Now I'm going to start off the bat and just make this point really clear. Under no circumstances should a relationship

that was abusive, manipulative, or toxic, transition into friendship. Don't let your loneliness make you settle for less than you deserve. This is a really key point. Under no circumstances should a relationship that was abusive, manipulative, or toxic transition into a friendship. If you think that that element suddenly going to disappear, if you believe that that person's going to be different as a friend versus a boyfriend or a

girlfriend, trust me, it's not going to work that way. And this is really, really important. It's such a mistake that so many of us make what we think that a friendship will be different for a relationship. But remember, someone is carrying their character over into any connection they end up having with you. And this is a big challenge that I see that people in multiple abusive manipulative toxic relationships end up in friendships that mirror what it was like before. It ends up staying the same. Now, you may be thinking you've never had one of those.

So you've never had a abusive, manipulative, or toxic relationship. But even if your relationship was generally okay and it was healthy and it was simply fine, but it didn't work out, you still might want to think twice about being friends with your ex. Rachel Sussman, a New York City-based

psychotherapist and author of the breakup Bible advises caution when it comes to staying friends. One 2000 study, for example, found that friendships between exes were more likely to have negative qualities and less likely to have positive ones, especially if you were never friends before you dated. Now it's obvious to know what are the reasons that we struggle with continuing a relationship

into a friendship. And that's why this point of caution is there. But one of the biggest downsides to staying friendly with an ex is that sometimes that holds you back from going into a new relationship. You might still be wondering about where is this going to go, maybe this could go back to being the thing again, maybe I'm going to have more feelings, maybe they're having feelings for me and now I don't want to hurt them by moving into another relationship. So what we end up doing is that we block the potential in our lives for deeper love, deeper

meaning, deeper connections, deeper bonds based on an old bond. We stop ourselves from forming new connections because of old connections that have weakened but still have a lasting impact. And this is the reason so much of our identity becomes consumed in someone when we're with them, when we're with someone, the time we wake up, the time we go to sleep, what we do on the weekends, all of the activities that are linked to our identities become formed around another individual. And then

naturally, when you break up, your identity is still forming and wants you to have that connection again and again and again, even if it's not beneficial to you. It's a habit basically. It's as simple as a habit. It's something that's been conditioned as normal and now needs to be unlearned. Now, one of the biggest challenges this has

is that if you get into a new relationship, you're now having to tell your new girlfriend or boyfriend that my ex is one of my closest friends and that stuff is complicated as ever. That's probably one of the toughest things in the world is trying to explain to someone that you're now interested in, that you're still friends with the person you are once interested in. And that person, despite them being confident, despite them being secure, may struggle with that because you've had a romantic relationship.

You've had a connection with this person before. So that's one of the biggest challenges that I feel that if you continue to try and be friends, you potentially could block yourself from moving forward. potentially could block yourself from moving forward. This is one of my favorite reasons as to why we may not want to continue a friendship after a breakup. One study published in 2013 in PLOS1 found that breakup distress may act as a catalyst for personal growth

and avoiding that distress may inhibit the development process. This is huge. If you take one thing away from this podcast today, recognize this. When you go through a breakup, when someone hurts you, when you're going through that tough situation, this could be the perfect opportunity to shift the energy onto yourself. So many of us lose ourselves in relationships as opposed to finding ourselves in them. We lose our identity, we lose our focus, we lose our growth, we lose our personal habits for the others. We trade so much that actually break up distress acts as a catalyst for

our personal growth again. And the more important point here from this study is that avoiding that distress may inhibit the development process that actually when we just cover things up and try and be friends and act like everything's normal, we don't heal. How many of you have ever done that before? How many of you have ever sacrificed your healing for short term benefit? For not wanting to feel that break-up distress, feel that break-up pain, you cover things up, but then you never get an opportunity to heal. You never get the opportunity for closure. Now in that situation, it's so easy for all of us to settle for that. Why? Because it makes us feel great in the instance. It makes us feel like everything is the same.

But then a few days, months, weeks, years down the line, we realize we haven't grown at all. So this is a really important factor. I'd love for you to consider. If you've just come out of a relationship, if you've had a breakup, this is your time to grow. Rushing into being friends with your ex, rushing into trying to reform a relationship stops you from forming a relationship with yourself. When you're trying to reconnect to a friendship with your ex, you're stopping yourself from reconnecting with a friendship with yourself, especially if you lost yourself in that relationship.

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The worst part is that he can only be guilty for stealing the money from me, but he cannot be guilty for the mental part he did. And that's even way worse than the money he took. But I am here to help. As a licensed psychologist and survivor of narcissistic abuse myself, I know how to identify the narcissists in your life. Each week, you will hear stories from survivors who have navigated through toxic relationships, gaslighting, love bombing, and the process

of their healing from these relationships. Listen to navigating narcissism on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. One study found that if your relationship ended on a positive note, and if you had a strong support system of friends and family to help you get through the breakup, you were more likely to keep a friendship with your ex after the relationship ended. Another study found the existence of a friendship before the onset of a romantic involvement was a factor that determined if you stayed friends after breakup.

Research in this study found regardless of if you did the dumping or if you were the one who was dumped, if you were friends with your ex before your relationship, you were more likely to remain friends after the relationship ended. But it's still really important to take these factors into account. Is this going to block you from a new relationship? And are you using this as a cover-up to not have to heal? Are you using this as a cover up to not have to heal? Are you using this as a way to make yourself feel better instantly without giving yourself an opportunity to grow? Ask yourself those questions in order to really understand the situation in order to really understand this challenge because it's just so simple to feel that friendship is the right answer,

to feel that friendship is the right thing to do. And this is a huge, huge challenge that so many of us face. Now this is a really important point that I want you to know. Sometimes we feel friendship is the way forward because we feel the pressure of our friend group or our family. How many of you have been in that situation where your friends are all the same, you hang out in the same places, you have the same close circle and you feel, if I don't remain friends with this person, it's going to ruin everything.

Or you feel, oh my god, my family loved them or their family loved me or there was this connection and you force yourself to do what's right for everyone else apart from you. In this situation, I'd really like to look at yourself and ask yourself that question, are you genuinely okay with it? Or are you doing it to make a bunch of other people happy? You aren't dealing with it on a daily basis. Remember, if you choose to be friends with this person, you're now reminded of them daily, you're allowing them into your life daily, you have a connection with them. And that's something you have to deal with for a long, long time. It's not something that you can easily give up or just lose straight away. And so it's really important to recognize, are you simply getting re-involved with this person

because of your friends or family? Because it could be more detrimental to recognize, are you simply getting re-involved with this person because of your friends or family because it could be more detrimental to you even if it makes them feel better in the short term. But guess what? No one's having to deal with that on a daily basis like you are. And this is such an important factor to know. Now this is a bit of a wild card but I wanted to throw it in anyway because it's fascinating me.

According to a new study published in the journal, personality and individual differences, staying friends with X's isn't a sign of maturity as you may have thought, but as possible sign of something much darker. So many of us believe that if we are friends with our X, it's because so many of us believe that if we can be friends with our X, it means we're mature, it means that we're advanced, it means that we're refined, it means that we're better. We feel that to be a better version of ourselves, we force ourselves to be friends with our X, we force ourselves to still be surrounding ourselves.

Now this again is a negative pressure, Just like the pressure of friends and family, it's also a negative pressure if we try to be with someone as a friend because we believe that makes us more mature. It's just not true. So don't feel guilty or don't feel that you're not mature enough that you can't be friends with your ex. If it's not right for you, if it's not going to help you and support your growth, if it's not going to help you heal, if it's not something that's genuinely meaningful, then it's important to let it go and science

backs this. Now, this is a wild card. I'm saying it again, but I'm throwing it out there because I want you to know this. Evidence from the study suggests this behavior could actually be a sign of psychopathic tendencies and has found that how people related their exes could be a new test for psychopathy. The study, which was carried out by researchers at Oakland University, analyzed the personality traits of 861 subjects and their relationship histories. The subjects were asked questions about their current relationships as well as whether they were friends with their relationship histories. The subjects were asked questions about their current relationships as well as whether they were friends with their exes. Then, given a questionnaire to determine narcissistic and psychopath qualities.

Now, this is crazy. Listen, listen close now. According to the results of the study, those who displayed dark personality traits, similar to those found in psychopaths reported being more likely to stay in contact with former lovers for some disturbing reasons. As psychopaths are known for the ability to employ false charm, it is often easy for them to continue a strategic relationship with an ex long after the actual relationship has ended, allowing them to continue to reap

benefits. Responding to this new information, Dr. Paulette Sherman, a psychologist and author of dating from the inside out, told the independent, dating is hard enough without everyone thinking that every time your ex wants to stay friends, that they have a psychopathic tendency or motivation in mind. Having said this, it is an interesting finding in that it points to the intentions of some people for continuing that relationship. They may be interested in doing so for selfish motives like continuing access to sex, information or other practical gains. They may not be thinking of the emotional impact on their X.

And ultimately, the most important thing to consider when determining if you're going to be friends with an X is not the scientific circumstances, not the research, not the studies, but it's really about your intention. What's really important is the reason you want to be friends with them in the first place. It doesn't matter how positive your relationship was or how supportive your friends are, your family is, or how mature you are, or if you were friends before, if you love that person and they loved you, it's your intention for

that new relationship. And this is something you should apply to every relationship, whether it's friends, whether it's work, whether it's a new romantic partner, whoever it is, ask yourself, what is my genuine intention for getting involved in this relationship? And often we don't do it in our relationship, but it's so important that we do it when we're considering a friendship. And this was my point from before that when we look at other people's intentions being crazy, we have to also check our intention

for wanting to be in that relationship. So when you look at that, a study found that the two main intentions for wanting a friendship after a breakup are this. Number one, to fulfill companionship needs. This again goes back to the point of conditioning. Most of us don't like change. Most of us don't want to feel alone.

Most of us don't want to be in a position that we haven't been in for a while. And so we force ourselves to be friends with someone to fulfill a companionship need. Now this may be different when X's have kids together, right? That may be a big reason and a higher reason to remain on good terms. But if you're thinking about being friends with your X just because they fulfill and need in your life, the biggest question I would say is who else can fulfill that need in your life?

What is it really going to take to fulfill that need by yourself? How can you create that for yourself? Because the challenge is, the more time we use that other person to fulfill a need, we now become dependent on them, and we have no information on how long that's going to last. If they broke up with you before,

they could do it again. If you found that it wasn't working before, you may find that again. And you're now giving the key to your happiness and putting it in their pocket. You're actually taking the key to your happiness and you're putting it in their pocket. And that's one of the most dangerous things to do. And that's why it's so important to stop trying to find the right person, but be the right person. Instead of being with someone who makes you happy, first be someone who makes you happy. And I know I say this again and again and again, but it's so so so important. Now, that's the first reason that people like to continue relationships as a friendship.

The second reason people want to be friends with their exes is the possibility of continuing the romantic connection in the future. How many of you hands up nods listening closely, have been in that position. Someone stayed with you because they wanted a friend with benefit. Someone stayed with you because they thought they were going to get some. They stayed with you because they wanted a friend with benefit. Someone stayed with you because they thought they were going to get some. They stayed with you for physical relationship, not the possibility of anything else. And this is one of the biggest challenges. Sometimes you want to stay friends with someone you were close to and they want to stay friends too, but you have totally different reasons.

You have totally different intentions. Your intention may be companionship and their intention is romantic connection in the future. Where's that going to go? So now here's what to do. I know it's hard. I know it's a challenge. I know it's not easy. When you've spent quality time with someone, when you've invested in someone, when you've given yourself to someone, it becomes so, so, so hard to let go. But holding on is us causing ourselves more pain now and in the future. We end up suffering more as well. Now, there are reasons to continue our friendships.

Maybe you are a great friend before. Maybe you have children together. Maybe you just have an amicable relationship and it doesn't affect anything. But these are the three things I want you to think about when it comes to the question, can you be friends with your ex? Right? I really, really want you to think about this. The first thing I want you to think about is you have to have downtime. Usually you need three months after a breakup to let things settle before even thinking

about beginning a new relationship as friends. One of the biggest mistakes we make is we make this huge decision about, we wanna stay friends a day after we broke up or maybe an hour after we broke up and we're not in a position to make a decision. We're making long-term decisions based on temporary emotions. Ask yourself how many times have you done this before? You've made a long-term decision based on a temporary emotion. We feel something in the moment and

we think, I don't want to lose this person. I can't let them go. My life's going to fall apart. So I might as well keep them as a friend. This is classic, clouded thinking. We lack clarity. We're completely unfocused. We're super clouded. And this means that we don't take the downtime to really think about things, to really reflect, to really introspect.

And we sign up for something that ends up stopping our growth, ends up stopping our self-focus, ends up stopping our self-care, and ends up stopping our healing. So whether you want to stay friends with someone or you don't, I want you to give yourself this downtime. You need that three months of disconnect to refine yourself, to refine your clarity, to build up a friendship with yourself again that you may have lost in the process.

And then start from there. The second thing, now this one, I have to say it. And you have to promise me, don't have physical contact, don't make your relationship end and then just make it physical straight after that. It complicates things. It makes things confusing. It confuses the other person and confuses you. It rises so many emotions. And yes, I know it's basic, but I had to say it. So many people end up making their lives more complicated by getting

involved physically straight after a relationship as ended. And then you're really confused about intention. Try and stay away from that. And the third thing you want to do is you want to establish solid mental boundaries. If you decide to be friends with that person, you need to set boundaries. Maybe when you're together, you call them every day, maybe you messes them every day,

maybe you always call it up at your homes. If you're going to be friends, you have to recognize. You don't want to be messing in that person every day. You don't want to be messaging that person every day. You don't want to be hanging around in the same environment. You may want to be neutral environments. Now, I'm not saying all of this because I have a gender for you, not to be friends with your ex. To me, it's about giving you all the information you need to make your decision.

I'm not telling you to be friends with your ex or not be friends with your ex. I'm not telling you they're so important or they're not important. What I'm sharing is some thoughts and ideas and insights as to what I'd love for you to reflect on. And guess what? When you ask yourself these questions that I've been asking you to answer today, you start becoming a better friend of yourself. You can be an incredible friend to yourself when you get to understand yourself better. Now how do we become friends with someone? We ask them questions about them and when we ask them questions about them, we listen and we learn about them. And this is such an important practice for us to do with ourselves. Most of us talk to other people with more

caring compassion than we talk to ourselves with. It's so important that we start practicing that right now with ourselves. If we don't start there, we'll be really, really lost. So those are some of the questions I want you to ask yourself. Those are some of the things I want you to think about. Those are some of the things that I'd love for you to consider. Make sure that you had this conversation discussion with your friends, send this podcast to them, share it with them, ask them to listen to it and discuss it with them because guess what? We're going to learn so much more when we start interacting around these topics and having open discussions and open conversations. There is no right answer. There is no right path forward.

There is only the path that you choose based on clarifying your intention and recognizing you need that time and space to make a proper decision and really being firm about what you're doing and why you're getting involved and what you're boundaries are. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of On Purpose. Please rate review and subscribe today. It would mean so much to me share this podcast I'm so grateful that you're enjoying all of the episodes remember there are two episodes every week one is with a guest one is me on my own this was a solo episode next week we've got

an incredible guest coming up as well make sure you stay tuned thank you so much lots of love see you soon. Hey, it's Debbie Brown, host of the Deeply Well Podcast, where we hold conscious conversations with leaders and radical healers and wellness, around topics that are meant to expand and support you on your wellbeing journey. Deeply well is your soft place to land, to work on yourself without judgment, to heal, to learn, to grow, to become who you deserve to be. Deeply well with Debbie Brown is available now on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

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