On Purpose with Jay Shetty - How To Make The 4 Most Important Decisions In Life That Impact 90% Of Your Happiness & Avoid Unnecessary Pain And Stress

Episode Date: June 16, 2023

If you are at a crossroad and can't seem to decide what to do next, then this episode is for you.  When you're stuck and are still trying to find your purpose, you're in the right place.  I am so excited to share with you the conversation I had with Anas Bukhash, a Dubai native motivational speaker. He is a notable figure in the UAE's entrepreneurial and motivational landscape. It is truly enlightening when a conversation doesn't just focus on finding love and how to be in service to others, but also touches on how we can rise from making bad choices in life.  Anas has laid out some of the most challenging yet motivating questions where I talk about why we shouldn't pass along the generational trauma we picked up from our parents and the good and bad side of our ego. Yes, ego can be beneficial when we learn to acknowledge that success is a team effort.  On to the topic of my personal journey, I open up about how I dealt with loss and grief, the pivots I had made that completely changed the trajectory of my life, and overcoming the adversaries that came with it.  What's the biggest lesson I've learned to this day? The truth that happiness can't be forced. It comes naturally when you know how to love yourself by staying healthy.  Today, you will learn: - How to live a life of purpose - The important choices we make that greatly impacts our goals - How to deal with the loss of a loved one or friend - The level of emotional mastery we need to develop - How to use ego to your advantage - The truth about generational trauma - The real definition of genuine love Don't miss this life changing conversation that revolves around personal growth, healing, and making better life choices. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 01:03 How are you really doing right now? How has life been lately? 06:07 Who are you? How would you describe yourself to others? 07:16 We are surrounded by things that are in service for others 10:40 If given the chance to draw your mental state, what will you draw? 16:07 If you were to describe your childhood in three words, what would they be? 20:41 Coping with grief and how to learn to reflect from the loss 25:52 How do you attain emotional mastery?  34:16 Confidence and ego are two separate things, and here’s why 42:51 Why did you leave the monk life? How did you integrate back into the real world? 48:42 How do you wake up with purpose and discipline? 51:14 Don’t try to be happy, instead pursue what’s healthy in your life 57:53 What one lesson will you teach a child? 01:03:00 Finding healing from your childhood trauma and continuously working on yourself 01:04:59 How do you define love?  01:11:49 Falling is a critical part of whether people were living a fulfilled in life or not 01:14:36 What does the Cube test tell about you? 01:23:48 Let’s play the AB Talks game 01:26:17 What is your greatest fear? 01:28:15 If you were on your deathbed, what would be your last words to your  loved ones? 01:29:30 Keep speaking your truth, that’s all you have 01:30:33 If you could choose three people on a dinner table, who would you choose? Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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And not lost is my new podcast about all those things. It's a travel show where each week I go with a friend to a new place and to really understand it, try to get invited to a local's house for dinner. We're kind of trying to get invited to a dinner party. It doesn't always work out. Ooh, I have to get back to you. Listen to not lost on the iHeart radio app or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, it's Debbie Brown, host of the Deeply Well Podcast

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or wherever you listen to podcasts. Namaste. Hey everyone, I'm so excited because we're going to be adding a really special offering onto the back of my solo episodes on Fridays. The Daily J is a daily series on calm and it's meant to inspire you while outlining tools and techniques to live a more mindful, stress-free life. We dive into a range of topics and the best part is, each episode is only seven minutes long, so you can incorporate it into your schedule no matter how busy you are. As a dedicated part of the on-purpose community, I wanted to do something special for you this year,

so I'll be playing a hand-picked daily J during each of my Friday podcasts. This week we're talking about your habits and how to develop better daily routines. Of course, if you want to listen to the daily J every day, you can subscribe to Khan. So go to com.com forward slash J for 40% off your membership today. Hi there. Hey man, how's it going? Questions for you. How are you really doing? How's it going? Questions for you. How are you really doing? Right now, I'm doing really good. It's been a really, really special time.

I've been on the road this year for longer than I've been at home, which is a new experience. So I've only been in my own home, in my own bed, for three weeks this year, because I've been on my world tour. And it's a really interesting experience because I'm getting on my world tour. And it's a really interesting experience because I'm getting a slight glimpse into how touring artists feel.

We're doing around 40 shows. A lot of touring artists will do 150 shows, feel a music artist. And I'm getting empathy for the challenges that come with traveling, always being on the move, not being in the same place. But for people like us, I think for so long, you know, for the last seven years, I've been connecting with my community and my audience digitally.

I started making my first video on the 3rd of Jan 2016, just over seven years ago. And I've never really met my own community. I met people obviously on the streets, or at an event, or whatever it may be, but to be doing events all across the world, and to see your own community attending and having these incredible experiences, and then going on social and seeing that

people are posting stories and comments and their experiences, it's really beautiful. Like it's been really good for my soul because I think that when things are tough and when things are hard, a comment, a positive comment doesn't hit you the same way as a memory when someone looked into your eyes and said, that video stopped me from committing suicide.

Or Jay, that book that I read of yours helped me get through my divorce. Or when I saw that podcast you did with so and so, that conversation has changed my career. Like when you get that feedback in the flesh, when you're holding someone's hands and looking into their eyes, I don't think anything compares to that.

So right now I'm really good because I feel so fueled up because I've had so many positive conversations with so many incredible people and my heart's filled with gratitude for the amount of love and support I've seen. We've been to all over the US, we just finished Australia, we did three shows at the Sydney Opera House, we just finished Singapore and then we just finished India, and now I'm in Dubai, and then we go to Paris, and Amsterdam, and Berlin, and UK, and Spain, Barcelona, Madrid, so many left.

So anyway, it's been a very special time. You know, I would say we're in similar circles. And you're so right, Jay, that until you experience human interaction, you don't really know sometimes how, and I don't think we will ever know. Jay will really, you will never truly know your impact on this world. We will never know how to quantify it or measure it fully. Even our teams don't. Yes, you hear nice things, people post or people stop yours

and then long letter, sure. But sometimes you get these moments and you're reminded me of a moment where a guy stopped me in a suit in an old shopping area in Saudi. And he told me how his mother suffers from Alzheimer's and she likes to listen to my voice before like to rest, to calm down.

And it was one of the most crazy compliments to get. That you're also on an app for meditation, that people are using your voice to actually relax them. So you might be like, oh, that's nice. But you really don't realize how much it's impacting. So when you're doing this tour, human interaction is so important. Absolutely. Like senses, smell and touch and feel. And I think COVID scared us when we didn't have that. Those video calls and you can't hug people

when you see them, you're like, yeah, yeah. That's my favorite thing. My favorite thing is what I bought this one is giving them a big hug and holding their hands and looking into their eyes and it's such a special experience. And you're spot on, I don't think we can quantify what's happening in the world right now and the scale of impact or any of it.

But I just, I live in gratitude that even one person, like you just said, that beautiful example, I know people who are like dealing with their cancer recovery listening to the meditations and it's, it blows my mind and actually inspires me. I think so many people look to the things we do and think that we inspire them, but I would honestly say that when people tell me their stories, I'm more inspired by them. Because sometimes I don't even have the challenges they do.

Sometimes I don't have the difficulties they do. I don't have the hardships, the same hardships. I have other hardships, but I don't have the hardships, the same hardships, I have other hardships, but I don't have the hardships that some people in my audience do and when they tell me that, I always look at them and I say, well, you inspire me because the fact that you can choose growth and self-development and healing at a time like this, that takes courage and strength and so, yeah, you're spot on then. If I ask you, who are you, Jay? How would you describe yourself? I would say that I am consciousness.

I am raw energy here to serve, support and try to hopefully improve people's lives and people's life experience by giving them access to wisdom and knowledge that they wouldn't otherwise have come across. So I see myself as consciousness and energy when it comes to the essence of who I am. And then I see that purpose of that consciousness and energy to simply want to serve, support, and improve the lives of others. And that's what I'm designed to do, that's what I'm built to do, that's what I was created for.

And so I've often said before that, we're educated for greed, but we're wired for generosity. And I believe that I'm just trying to tap into that part of me that is wired for service. Why? Like, why do you feel that you should do it? Like, I know it's your purpose. But, you know, we all, as human beings, want to feel validated or significant on this earth and certain

things make us feel valuable. Why does what you just said make J. feel valuable? Yeah, such a great question. There's a beautiful statement by Muhammad Ali where he said that service to others is the rent we pay for our room here on earth and And I love that so much. Because I think that if you look at everything in the universe, everything in the universe is always serving. I'll give you an example. If you look at the sun, it's constantly giving sunlight. There are so many things on this planet that depend on the sunlight to be alive. If you look at the water, it's always feeling people, it's nourishing people, it's hydrating people. The water is always serving.

If you look at a tree, a tree is growing every single day so that it can provide shade, it can provide fruits, it can provide flowers, all in the service of others. If you look at everything in nature, it's always serving. And we ourselves are nature. We may see ourselves as separate, but the truth is that we're no different. We grow, we evolve, we die. And so when you are nature, the reason why it gives me so much significance is because I realized that in order to be aligned with the universe, I have to serve. So when we talk about being aligned with the universe, when we talk about being aligned with the universe, I have to serve. So when we talk about being aligned with the universe,

when we talk about being aligned with our purpose, when we talk about being aligned with who we are, if nature is at the core and at the essence of who we are, then service is not making us feel significant for any other reason apart from that is our natural inclination. But because we've tried so hard to become the enjoyer, we've tried so hard to become the person who just wants to have pleasure, we've tried so hard to become the person that just wants to exploit as well. That doesn't lead to joy and happiness. Imagine

the sun decided to turn off and went, I'm not giving any more life for the day, or if the water decided to stop and said, you know what, no more water for planet Earth, or you know what the tree said, you know what, I'm not giving any fruits, I'm only going to give fruits to my trees. All of a sudden, like so much would break down in an ecosystem. And so I think it gives me significance because I realized that it's how we're made, it's what we're meant for, and it's also what leads to our happiness. So even selfishly, honestly speaking, it's not that service is completely selfless. Service is also selfish and selfless because it is knowing that it is good for myself. It is also going to make me happy, it is also going to make me feel content.

And I think you know this, and we feel this that I'm sure in your lifetime you've had so many of the greatest pledges, and I'm not saying any of those are bad, that I'm sure in your lifetime you've had so many of the greatest pledges and I'm not saying any of those are bad and I'm not saying we shouldn't have fun and I'm not saying we shouldn't have nice things and I'm not saying we shouldn't be happy and surrounded by beautiful things but what I am saying is we know that all of those things are useful and necessary but those aren't the things that make you go to bed feeling fulfilled and grateful and happy about your life. And so I think when anyone's served, when anyone's tried to serve, the feeling is incomparable.

Hmm, there's a good answer. If I have a white canvas for you, like this, and I ask you to draw your mental state now, what would you draw? Oh, these are good questions, man. That is a great question. So I've often said I don't know if you've ever Come across one of my friends humble the poet So humble the poet is is a speaker and writer. He's a good friend of mine and The reason I'm thinking of it is because he's probably the only person I've had this conversation with so I Try and design my studio and my office to look like my mind. So, I literally have said that before that I try and design spaces that I live in in my home, my studio, my office,

all of it to look like my mind. I like to live in mental spaces. And I like to feel like I've taken a vision out of here and built it around me. And so if I went, if I took you into my office now back in LA or I took you into my studio, my study or whatever it may be, you would find I would draw a lot of bookshelves and I would draw a lot of books. And the reason for that is because I feel for so long, I wasn't a reader. So when I was growing up, my parents were really scared that I wasn't going to be that smart because I didn't read. And I didn't read up until the age of 14.

And the reason was because school only gave us fiction books. And I was never interested in fiction. I wasn't interested in a made-up story or a made-up character. It didn't touch me. It didn't move my heart. And then at 14, my dad started to give me autobiographies and biographies. And so at that time, I read Malcolm X. I read Martin Luther King. I read David Beckham. I read Drain the Rock Johnson. Like, I was reading this complete gamut of people in their lives. And I found that studying people's lives has been the greatest investment of my life. Because when you study people's lives,

you start realizing how similar your life experiences to so many people when it comes to failure, when it comes to rejection, when it comes to setback. So I would draw a lot of books and bookshelves. You would have Steve Jobs's book, you'd have Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, you'd have David Beckham and Drayne Drog Johnson, and a bunch of others. The next thing I do is I like having statements or mantras or affirmations around me because I really believe that we don't use visual cues enough to change

our mindset. What I mean by that is when I walked into your space today, which is really like your space is beautiful, like it's so minimal and simple and like it calms the mind, like as soon as I walked in to your studio, I was like, oh, this is my vibe, I like this, right? Everyone, everyone seems like they're really happy in their spaces, but I find that because of the environment, it also creates an energy, right? Internally. So I walked in here, I feel a certain way. And I feel that when I walk into my home and my spaces, I also like putting up either

art or lines of wisdom or insight that helped me lock back into where I want to be. So I have this one piece of art in my office that I'll send you a picture of so you can put it in the edit if you want to help it. And it's a picture of, okay, I'm going to try to describe this if it's complicated to describe. But do you remember as a kid, I don't know if you had them, I don't know, I guess you had them all over the world, but there were these little machines that would be outside the supermarket and you put a little coin in it and it would be like a little space machine and it would like move like from side to side, right?

Okay, I don't know what they call, but you know what I'm talking about. So this artwork has one of those little space machines like it looks like you'd have to put a little coin in it, but then there's a person sitting inside the space machine but they're dressed as an astronaut. So it's like this little kid's space machine, but an astronaut is like riding this little space machine. And then in the background, there's all these different prints from musicians and songwriters, everyone from Elton John through to other artists that are less well known.

And there's a beautiful lyric on one of them underneath the music notes. And it says, make God's love be with you, lift off. And I bought that piece of artwork because there's so many messages inside of it. So every time I look at it, I remember that I'm just a kid putting a coin into a machine trying to get to space.

I'm trying to do something quite outlandish, ridiculous. I believe that I want to be able to do something phenomenal in the world, but actually I'm just a little kid trying to figure it out. I'm just a student of life. And at the same time, I'm like that astronaut who has this big vision and can see the solar system and wants to be curious about the world that's around them. And at the same time at the end of the day, I'm fueled and living at the grace of God, the universe, of the energy that I've been given through the people I've met and that I need their grace in order to do this

work. So that art piece is what I would try and draw, but it would be terrible, because I can't draw to save my life. So I would have to, I'll send you the picture. Please. If you had to describe your childhood and three words, what would you tell me? Conflicted, loving, transformative.

Tell me about conflicted and transformative. So conflicted because I grew up in a home where my parents didn't have the best of relationships and they had their own challenges and I have a great relationship with both of them and have a personal relationship with both of them. But together for them, for each other, it wasn't the best relationship. And what I'm really grateful for is I feel that I started to have the capacity to listen to each of them independently. And I think it gave me this really unique skill early on of being able to

sit and be present with someone and just listen to their story and express compassion and empathy for their experience, but then do it on the other side as well. Because here were two people that I loved, two people who loved me, two people who cared about me in their own way. You know, my mom was, my mom told us day, I always say, I'm anything I am today is because of my mom. The amount of love that my mom has filled me with has only allowed that love to overflow. And so the love that the world feels through me

is the love I felt through my mother, through my monk teachers, through the love that I've gathered. And any skill that I have is through my father. My father's highly smart, thoughtful, strategic, like any skill I have in that way is because of my dad. And so I got so much from these two people, but they weren't necessarily getting so much from each other. And being able to learn how to navigate and manage that at a young age gave me a lot of healthy experience in what I wanted to be when I was older and what I didn't want to be. And conflicted also because I grew up in an area where I was one of the few Indian people in my area.

And so I was bullied for being Indian. I was bullied for being overweight. I was quite overweight as a child and I would get bullied every single day. And when I say bullied, I mean like beaten up. I would get beaten up regularly at school, primary school up until the age of about seven or eight. To the point that I would come back with bruises, I would come back with my shirt ripped, at primary school up until the age of about seven or eight. To the point that I would come back with bruises, I would come back with my shirt ripped,

I would come back with like, you know, bloody knees, whatever it may have been. And I was just bullied regularly. And it's really interesting because that actually didn't negatively affect my confidence because I was loved at home by my mother. But what it did do was build an empathy and compassion for other people who go through that because I could see how damaging it was for other people. So that's the conflicted part where it was like, I was having these like very mixed experiences where it's like, I felt love, but then I also saw hate. I felt

I felt joy, but then I also saw jealousy and envy. I felt pleasure and some areas of my life, and then I saw deep, deep pain and trauma in people's lives. And I think everyone can identify with that. I don't think that's unique to me. I think everyone sees that, but I think the way I saw it, I'm very grateful for, because I just started to realize that there was this duality in the world, and that learning to navigate that duality was the goal. The goal was not to run towards the love and ignore the other side, because the other side was always going to exist.

The other side was always going to be present. Could I have the ability to live in the middle, accepting that the reality of the world is duality and that both of these things will coexist for the rest of my life. And if I can learn to navigate and figure out and maneuver through this chaos, that would be the goal of life.

The goal of life was not to simply run towards happiness, it was not to just run towards love, it was not to just run towards joy, was not to just run towards love, was not to just run towards joy. Because the other side would catch up slowly, would run right after you. So I think that's what was unique about why it was transformative. It was transformative.

Because somewhere along the way I picked up that ability to notice that I didn't have to run away from anything and I didn't have to run away from anything and I didn't have to run to anything. I actually had to be right here in the discomfort and if I could sit there and be present in the discomfort that that itself would heal whatever I was experiencing. You lost two very close friends on your 16. God rest their soul. How did that play with your mind or your outlook?

Yeah, I lost one friend through him being involved in the wrong company and the wrong scenarios and I lost the other person in the car accident. And both of those losses are, when you lose someone at 16 and you don't really understand loss, especially of young people, both these people were young, it really pushes you to reflect in a way that you wouldn't usually. Initially, I was angry, I was upset because I felt

they didn't deserve it, they were wonderful people, they were beautiful people. But somehow, why did they have to go through that? Why did they deserve that? And that's a question that you can never fully answer, of course. But what I realized was that the biggest mistake I could make is in not living with the insight and the learnings they gave me. The way it forced me to reflect was it started making me reflect on my choices in life. I started to realize that life was a lot shorter and a lot longer than I thought. What I mean by that is, we all say life is short, like, live it now. But also life is short, like live it now.

But also life is long when you make bad choices. So when you make good choices, you can live happier in the present. And when you make bad choices, it can feel like forever. Right? You make the wrong choice. You choose the wrong partner and you struggle to get out of a toxic relationship. That can feel like decades. Or you make a good choice in a career path that you choose and you can live in the present and enjoy the life that you're creating.

And so life can be sure and long. And at that point, I realized that my choice has mattered more than I thought. I had to be far more intentional than I thought. I think up until then I lived a quite unintentional, 16-year-old, unthoughtful life where I didn't really matter. Like, there's no consequences to my actions. Let's just live on the edge. And all of a sudden, I started to realize, well, actually, every one of my choices does matter because if I end up living a long time,

I'm going to be experiencing them for a long time. And even if I go now in the next few years, as I've seen some of my friends do, it's going to matter even more. And so either way they matter. And I think I hope that realizes a lot of time people feel well, life doesn't matter because you could go at any point and it's like, well, no, it matters even more. Or people feel like life doesn't matter because I have so long and it's like, no, it matters even more because you have so long to live that experience of life. So I hope it helps people realize that your life matters, whichever length it ends up

being. But to me it made me reflect on like how could I be far more intentional and conscious and thoughtful with the choices I made? How could I not underestimate the power of a choice? And I started to realize at that point that there were four important choices we make in our life. The first is how I feel about myself. How you feel about yourself is the most important choice

you will ever make in your life. And it's a choice because the way you feel about yourself is based on the thoughts you choose to believe about yourself. So if a thought you have about yourself is, I'm not good enough and you keep repeating that thought, you will start to believe that thought and that thought will become your reality. And now you've chosen that thought so many times

that that is the life you've chosen for yourself. And for me, I started to recognize at that point, I had to choose my identity rather than have my identity be chosen for me because life is short. And so that was the first decision. The second decision I realized was who you decide to spend your life with. The second most important decision you choose to make in your life is who you choose to give your

love to and who you choose to receive love from. Because who you choose to give love to is going to decipher whether you feel fulfilled, whether you feel inspired, whether you feel energized, and who you choose to receive love from, is going to affect your mood. As we get older and older and older, we spend less time with our parents, we spend less time with our families, we spend less time with our friends, we spend more and more time with that person that we chose to be with. But often we don't really make a choice based on any information. The third choice we make, the most important choice we make is what we choose to do for money, what we choose to do to

with our lives, like what you're doing right now and what we do right now, because you're going to do that for, you know, nine, ten hours a day, if not 14 hours a day, if not 60 hours a day, for some of us. And then finally, the fourth most important decision you choose to make is how you serve the world, how you choose to give back, how you choose to reciprocate for all the greatness that you got because no one is self-made. And that's when I started to realize that I had to start getting intentional about my choices because up until then I was just doing anything and everything.

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Not too long ago, in the heart of the Amazon Rainforest, this explorer stumbled upon something that would change his life. I saw it and I saw, oh wow, this is a very unusual situation. It was cacao, the tree that gives us chocolate. But this cacao was unlike anything experts had seen, or tasted. I've never wanted us to have a gun fight. I mean, you saw the stacks of cash in our office. chocolate, but this could count as unlike anything experts had seen or tasted.

It was a game changer. People quit their jobs. They left their lives behind so they could search for more of this stuff. I wanted to tell their stories, so I followed them deep into the jungle, and it wasn't always pretty. Basically, this like disgruntled guy and his family surrounded the building armed with machetes. And we've heard all sorts of things that, you know, somebody got shot over this. Sometimes I think, oh, all this for a damn bar of chocolate. Listen to obsessions, wild chocolate, on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast.

I'm Dr. Romani, and I am back with season two of my podcast, Navigating Narcissism. Narcissists are everywhere, and their toxic behavior in words can cause serious harm to your mental health. In our first season, we heard from Eileen Charlotte, who was loved by the Tinder Swindler. The worst part is that he can only be guilty for stealing the money from me, but he cannot be guilty for the mental part he did.

And that's even way worse than the money he took. But I am here to help. As a licensed psychologist and survivor of narcissistic abuse myself, I know how to identify the narcissists in your life. Each week you will hear stories from survivors who have navigated through toxic relationships, gaslighting, love bombing, and the process of their healing from these relationships.

Listen to navigating narcissism on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Why did you choose to be a monk? The two reasons I chose to become a monk. I saw two things in the monks that I didn't see in anyone else. So when I was 18, which was how old I was when I first met the monks that I speak about in the book, think like a monk, I had met people who were rich, I had met people who were famous, I had met people who were beautiful, I had met people who were powerful, but I don't think I'd met anyone who was happy or who was content or who was self-realized or had gained some level of

being centered. And when I met the monks, I saw two things. One was emotional mastery. The people that I met had a sense of emotional clarity and mastery of their senses, their emotions and their ability to convert their own envy into positive energy, to convert these darker feelings that we experience of insecurity and ego and competition into service and collaboration. I saw them be able to be magicians and wizards in how they took these very lower energies from within and were able to help them to rise and transform them into things that actually benefited the world. The world has never been benefited by someone's ego.

The world has never been benefited by someone's insecurities and the world has never been benefited by someone's insecurities and the world has never benefited by someone taking out their trauma on other people. And forget the world, a relationship, an individual has never benefited from any of those things. And I saw that these people were working on that. They were working on figuring that out. And I thought, wow, like, who else in the world is trying to

figure out a deal with these very real things that we all deal with, by the way? But they're trying to figure that out. That feels like a worthy pursuit. That feels like a really, really worthy pursuit. Because they're learning to deal with the things that make wealth meaningless. Right? If you have lots of wealth, but you have lots of envy, you'll just be envious of the other person who has more wealth. If you have fame, but you are insecure, fame does not solve that insecurity and actually it makes your fame worse. If you have beauty, If you have beauty, but you don't have self-worth, you allow people to exploit that beauty, and you allow people to exploit and take advantage of it,

and feel empty. So actually, all of our life, we can have fame, we can have money, we can have beauty, we can have all of these things, but if we solve that core, we can actually appreciate and use and actually enjoy these things in a much deeper way. And so I saw with the monks that they were focusing on what I believed was the core

to human life, emotional mastery. And the second thing they had, which I really gravitated towards, was that they quoted Emerson and Emerson said that we should plant trees under whose shade we do not plan to sit. And I love that because when we choose to extend ourselves, we've always talked about service today already, but it was that service connection, what I talked about earlier, that they were choosing to live a life beyond themselves and choosing to live a life for others and people that couldn't do anything back for them. And I thought that there was some beauty in that because, despite my conflicted or challenged childhood, I still had a lot more than a lot more people, right? As in the

sense of, I didn't have a lot financially or we didn't have a big home or anything like that, but I still had a good education. I still had parents who were making me work hard. I felt a sense of responsibility and accountability to give back to people who didn't have that. And when I went to India and I saw, one experience I'll never forget is, I was nine years old, and it was the first time I'd

visited India. And as I told you earlier, my father's from India, southern India. My mother was born and raised in Yemen, but she's originally India. And so I met, I'm there at nine years old and we're in the back of a taxi and we're going back to our hotel. We're staying at a simple hotel in the city and I'm in the car and I'm looking out the window. I've never seen anything like India. Have you ever been to India? So I've never seen anything. Right, I'm a boy from London. I've never seen anything like India. And I look out the window and we're driving past an area where there's a lot of young children on the streets.

And they're all there and you know some of them are half clothed and you can see some of them probably have an eaten for a while, or have a drunk water, or you know they look like they've had a rough, rough time. And that is the 9 year old, I'm seeing kids who are 9 years old having the same experience. Now I've never seen this in London. And I see kids doing all sorts of things. I see some of them playing with a little ball. I see some of them running around. I see some of them just sitting there. And I see these legs that are poking out of a trash can. And I realize that this kid must be inside this trash can. And I can see that they must be trying to scrape something out of the trash can, maybe some food or something.

And then when the child comes out, I realize they don't have any hands. They're just scraping with, you know, they've lost their hands and they're just scraping with what they had left, trying to get some food. And it's like, I saw that,, I wanted to do anything I possibly could. Like, I just wanted to, you know, get out of the car and just run across the other side. But I'm nine years old and I have nothing to give them. And I don't know how money works. So I don't know what's going on.

Like, you know, I'm having this little experience where we stuck in the traffic lights. And then the car moves and then, you know, I can't do anything. And I feel like this is the worst experience I'm having right now because I don't know what to do and then we get back to the hotel and I remember hearing that there was a couple of people complaining about the buffet. And I remember that just hitting me and just going wow, that kid didn't have that kid was scraping the bottle of a trash can to find food. And, you know, me as well, I, you know, I can, we can be so ungrateful sometimes in not recognizing that benefit, which was upon us even to have access to clean water and good food.

And it was at that point where I was like, I, I, it was at nine years old where I had that feeling, but that only came back when I saw the monk. I almost forgot about it. Right. It was really interesting. I left India, forgot about it, didn't think about it. And then when I met the monk at 18 and started spending more time in India, we would actually go out to feed the homeless. So when I would go out, I would take part in this program that the monks run called midday meals. And so the monks that I was spending time with were feeding 1.2 million now today are feeding 1.2 million kids a day in India.

And that, even though that's such an amazing number, that's just scratching the surface. That's not even enough. And so I got to be a part of that when I was there and got out every day and feed the kids and just, you know, see that experience. But it was amazing how you forget about that stuff between nine and 18. I didn't think about it once. You said it was two reasons, right? Yeah, so the first reason was the emotional mastery

and the second reason was this service element wanting to extend our life to others. You know, something that has played with me in the last year is the importance of contrast in life. Like you wouldn't know the other if you didn't taste the other, right? And for you to see a buffet and a child scraping a garbage, just this contrast taught you that this is ridiculous that I'm, we're hearing complaints about buffet when somebody can't. If you never saw that, oh, and all you knew was buffet, you think this is the norm.

It's okay to complain about a caviar or a buffet or a fork, but contrast really makes human beings compare in a healthy way sometimes. I hope in a lot of times. You said also that ego never served anyone. Do you think that applies also to sports, for example, or business, that if, can ego actually serve you, if controlled? That's a great question.

I think the first part, I really love that point you just made. I think it's such a powerful point that you just drew out, and I never saw it like that in that scenario, but I agree with that point of, I think if we were exposed to more opposites growing up, it would help us find our middle. It would help us find our gray. But we're not. We're just exposed to one type of lifestyle. And I think if we were exposed to more contrast, more paradoxes, more opposites, more seemingly challenging things, it would actually expand our horizons

and expand our mind, not close it. I think we're scared that if someone sees something, it's gonna scare them or it's gonna worry them, but actually it helps them become more thoughtful. And I think that's one of the things that's become so important to me that I wouldn't have become who I am today if I didn't meet the monks. But if someone asked me at 16, whether I wanted to be a monk or me a monk,

I would have said no. I would have chucked a bottle of alcohol at them. The reaction would have been like, you're so stupid, that's ridiculous. And so I think most of us are just too exposed to the same people, the same faces, the same things. All we're exposed to the same parts of people, that's one of the things I think you try and do, and I try and do, on my podcast is, even if you know someone,

I want you to see a deeper side of them, a new side of them, a side that you're not aware of, because it's not that that person is one-dimensional at all, and even today, as I'm sharing with you, I feel like anyone who listens to and watches this will be like, oh, I'm learning like Jay, in a way that I've never learned about Jay before and that's a healthy thing to do.

So, anyway, going back to your second question about ego. Ego can be used to achieve great things, but after the achievement of those great things, it will then fail us once again. And so yes, in business, ego can be used to achieve astronomical success. In sports, ego can be engaged to win incredible championships. But in the end, ego is the same thing that will break you and lead to your ultimate failure because the real battle was with ego, not with the sports team and not with the other game, and not with the other team and not with the other business person. The real battle was with your ego.

And so I think that confidence and ego are two separate things. I think a lot of athletes that I admire and I'm guessing we admire some similar athletes, they have a confidence that they are the best, but they back it up and they have the ability to still glorify and appreciate someone else. Ego is lacking the capacity to appreciate, glorify and admire others in public. If you struggle to hear good things about someone else and to join in and to be a part of that and to celebrate that, that's ego.

If you struggle to acknowledge, you may say I'm the best in the world. You can say you're the best in the world, sure, but even the best in the world, if you really sat down with them, they would happily talk about someone else that inspires them to be the best in the world, sure, but even the best in the world, if you've really sat down with them, they would happily talk about someone else that inspires them to be the best in the world. They'll never say they're self-made.

They'll say that I'm the best in the world because I have 10 people around me who are amazing. Look at you. You have a huge team around you today. I would assume that you're getting to do this because you have a team around you. It's how I feel. We have an incredible team. I can walk around thinking that I'm doing something phenomenal in the world, but I know that it's brought by by a team.

So, ego is when you lack the ability to acknowledge that there are other people in your journey, that there are other people adding value to the world, that there are other people who are improving the world in their own way, and that there's space for everyone. Ego says there's only space for me. And I think that ultimately will lead to someone's demise because it's just not true. And Ego set up that way. It has to be broken by the time we die in order to let us live. And if we don't break our ego, life will break it for you. And I've seen that many times in my own life in little ways. And I've seen it many times in people that I've coached.

I've seen it many times in people that I know where it's much easier to relinquish your own ego. It will save you a lot of time and a lot of stress. And ego doesn't mean you don't have the confidence that you're brilliant at what you do. I think I'm really good at what I do. I'm very comfortable saying that, but that doesn't mean that I think I'm better than others. I just think I am who I am. I'm just different. I'm just, and I think that's the, I think that's the human construct that in modern society, we've made people think you either have to be better or worse than others.

You're either head or behind of others. You're either early or late compared to other people. And I'm just like, I'm just different. My timing is different. My opportunity is different. My voice is different. My background is different. And that applies to you. It applies to everyone in our space. It applies to everyone outside of our space, which is different. It wasn't ever about being better or worse. I mean, you talk about soccer, right, football, late. I'm a CR7 guy all the way, but you know, it's like the constant debate of who's better between CR7 and Messi, it's like they're just different. They are genuinely different players. They played different positions in their career. They've played in different places.

They've played in different teams. In one sense, if we acknowledge that difference is what makes us special and beautiful and what makes everyone phenomenal and we can appreciate that, we stop getting lost. And what we don't realize is when we compare ourselves to others, so if we think we're behind,

then when we get ahead, we're going to be scared of the people behind us. Because we know that we call up and we beat someone who is number one. Now, we're scared of their number two. And so you keep staying in that cycle of light. I'm ahead now, I'm behind them, ahead, I'm behind them, ahead them. And that's just going to go on forever. Like, I don't think Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk are sitting there looking at the richness going, oh, I'm number two now, man. Like, oh Oh my god, I've got to get back up to number

one. Who's that LVMH guy who's like, you know, J. If people, I'm a very practical logical guy. If we just use logic, and I say J is J, he's a certain height, certain looks, certain eye color, certain skin color, certain personality, certain childhood, certain journey. Logic. And I say, Ah, Ana, you're the same. So, it's already not apples to apples. So I can't say, how can I beat him? Or how can I be better than him than I'm not competing. It's a pineapple and a chair. You can't just make that comparison logically. And if we, but people are under the perception of all human beings I should compare myself to a girl, compares to herself to another girl or another actress. And the comparison is really dangerous

because you don't know what they're going through. You don't know how their life is, their mental state, their money actually in the bank. You don't know what they're going through. You don't know how their life is, their mental state, their money actually in the bank. You don't know anything. So this comparison is already flawed from the beginning, logically. So the moment you're like, how can I be better?

You know, software 1.0, 1.1, 1.5, 2. And until I die, I am at the best version of J. The best I really work to myself, and this is the best J I could give. Yeah, well said. Then we're good. Yeah, yeah, really well said. I can agree with you more, and I think that

that allows you to be inspired by this. I think it's really interesting, right? Comparison can work two ways. You can either compare yourself to someone and say, I wish I was them, or you can compare yourself to them and say, I'm gonna learn that, right? I see what they learned, I see what they studied. I think I've done, or you can compare yourself to them and say, I'm going to learn that. I see what they learn. I see what they study.

I think I've done that my whole life, where I compare myself to so many people, but in a positive sense of, well, if they can do it, then I can do it. Or if they learn that, then how do they learn that? What do I need to learn? What am I missing? And then comparison becomes this beautiful thing, because it's inspiring. It's energizing. You can come and learn, I just use this camera.

Maybe I can use it. That's a good comparison. Exactly, exactly. So get a very good point. So comparison can be positive and negative. Yeah. Now, I know why you became a more, why did you leave? Yeah. That was a hard, hard, hard decision. At that time, I don't think I'd made a harder decision,

apart from joining. So I just want to give context, because sometimes people will say, like, you know, OJ, you became a monk, so you could tell your story one day. And it's really interesting that comment, because I decided to become a monk at a time when all my family and friends were like, this is the worst decision of your life.

Like, think about this. I'm a London boy. I went to a good university. I have a good education. I have a first class on his degree. I'm a straight-A student. My life is ahead of me. And I decide to go away. Everyone's thinking, I've gone mad. I've been brainwashed. Or I've lost the plot. And a lot of my friends and family, we said things to me like, Jay, this is the biggest mistake of your life. You're going to regret this decision. You're wasting your parents' investment in you.

You're letting your family down. What are you doing with your life? And so I left with a lot of friction and a lot of pain and a lot of tears and a lot of emotion from my extended family who is just like, what are you doing? Like this is not a good idea. And so I didn't leave to like a cheerleading squad of like, oh, it's amazing.

I mean, it was quite a tough decision to leave everything behind. I turned down my job offers that I had in the city and I left with a lot of negativity and confusion. And then when I decided to come back, and I. And then when I decided to come back, and I'll tell you why I decided to come back, but when I decided to come back, it's like all those people were there

on the other side saying, we told you so. Look, now you messed up. And look at all your friends up. All your friends got promoted, they got apartments, they're getting engaged, they're getting married. Look at you, look where you are. You're three years behind everyone else. And so it was never easy to go or to come back because I knew what was waiting for me

when I came back. And the reason I decided to leave is, in three years, when all you're doing is self-awareness, in terms of so much of your work is dedicated to understanding yourself, I realized that I wasn't meant to be a monk. I didn't have the qualification or the ability to be a monk for the rest of my life. And what I mean by that is monks live very obedient, disciplined lives. And while I'm a disciplined individual, I'm kind of a rebel. I like being independent. I like making my own choices. And while that was a beautiful

training ground and it was great for giving me my foundation, I felt like it was a foundation to help me fly not a life to live forever. And it's almost like I spoke to my monk teacher when I was leaving. And I was actually really embarrassed to talk to him because I thought I was also a failure in his eyes now. I'd already been a failure in my extended family's lives. And now I'm scared, now I'm letting my monk teach you down. And I said that to him, I said, I'm so embarrassed

that I'm leaving after three years. And I wanted to do this with the rest of my life and I'm feeling worthless. And I'm feeling empty. And and I wanted to do this with the rest of my life and I'm feeling worthless and I'm feeling empty and I feel like I let you down. And he said to me, he said, Jay, what's more powerful? Someone goes to university or college and after they graduate,

some people become professors and some people become entrepreneurs or they go outside and work in a company, said which one's better? I said neither of them, it depends who the person is. And he said, that's the same for you. He said, you came to university, you got your three years, and now you've just got to go and use what you learned here and share it with the world. He said, but you don't have to stay here to make it a success. And that was such a freeing mindset. And so the reason I left was I realized I wasn't a monk.

In the rules, in the obedience, in the lifestyle, you live communally, you live in a room, sometimes with 30 people sleeping in a room, sometimes 100 people sleeping in a room. It was really tough on my health. When you're living in that communal quarters, it's like you've got someone waking up at 2 a.m. who's waking up two hours earlier to meditate,

you're waking up at 2 a.m. but you want to be up at 4 a.m. So your sleep's disturbed because you're sitting right next to someone, you're using communal showers, bathrooms, like all of that space is shared. It was like really tough on my immunity. And then food as well, it's not like you're getting to choose or for men you eat every day, you're eat what you're given. And I started to realize that my immunity and then food as well. It's not like you're getting to choose a for menu or you eat every day, you eat what you're given. And I started to realize that my

body and mind needed far more sensitivity than that. And so there was also a physical aspect that led to it. And there was a deep burning desire in my heart, I can say this to you and I was like, there was a deep burning desire in my heart that I want to share what I've learned because if I stay here, all my friends back home, all the people that I know that I grew up with, they'll never get access to any of this because they'll never do this. And we're learning so many incredible things here, but I know my friends are home, are struggling and suffering and going through so much, but they don't know how to start. So I felt some accountability and responsibility that even if I share this with the people around me would help them. And I had a desire to share it further, but I never imagined it would get to where

it is today. I never never in a million years thought it would be where it is today, but I had that. And I all those three reasons made me very clearly convinced that I would regret it if I didn't leave. Even though I was going to go back to no job, $25,000 worth of debt because of my student loan, moving back in with my parents who don't have a lot anyway and having to figure it out from scratch, I was like, that's better than not living an authentic life. Do you wake up happy or sad? I wake up neither. I wake up feeling purposeful and disciplined. So there's some days where I wake up and I'm tired and I'd rather stay in bed, but my discipline gets me out

because I have commitments that I believe are important and that are going to get me to where I want to be and who I want to be and it's worth getting up for those. So then sometimes it's a discipline day. And sometimes it's a purposeful day I wake up and I feel so connected to my purpose. Kind of like today, I knew I was coming to see you today and I was excited about being with you today and with your incredible team and

I respect what you do so much. So today was a purposeful day. I didn't have to come here out of discipline. I came here out of purpose that I'm going to get a chance to like be myself and share myself with someone and someone that I've heard so many amazing things about through mutual friends that we both respect and if I can be that then that will be amazing. And so purpose and discipline are what I try and wake up with as opposed to happiness and sadness because I can't really be happy every day because sometimes I just go to get through the day and get it done. And I'm not generally, I don't experience so much sadness because of the emotional mastery

training really works and you don't want to spend so much time in that space either. You know the cool thing is you figured out the show without me explaining the show. The show is slogan, is discovering the human behind the title. So for me today is about who's J the human being, the ones that you, you know, people love your snippets and your videos and your podcasts and your book, but who is J? And I want people to get to know you and I want, and you'll see those comments usually after, you'll see, I love you J, but now I love you more. I love that, that's because they connected now.

Yes, that you're vulnerable, you've had tough times. And what I loved about your monk story is you had the pleasure and the blessing to know also what you don't want at a certain time. Sometimes it's so important to know what you don't want. And I think you reached that three year and you're like, I've given it a shot. My mission now is beyond or bigger or outside the circumference. And I think what you just answered about purposefulness, you wake up J and I can relate is because it's bigger than you. The therapy for Black Girls podcast is the destination for all things mental health, personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make to become

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Because maybe there is magic in the stars if you're willing to look for it. So I rounded up some friends and we dove in and let me tell you, it got weird fast. Tantric curses, major league baseball teams, canceled marriages, K-pop! But just when I thought I had a handle on this sweet and curious show about astrology, my whole world can crash down. Situation doesn't look good, there is risk too far. And my whole view on astrology? It changed.

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If it's just about me, I'd rather stay in bed. But if somebody asks you, how can I be happy? What would you answer them? Don't try to be happy. That would be my honest answer. Don't try to be happy. It's a loaded word which has so many hidden meanings from so much baggage that we have in our mind of what happiness is because let's take we took your example, which I love that question you asked, right? If we said to someone, draw what happiness looks like. Either people wouldn't know what to draw, or what they would draw is what they've seen in a movie, or what they've seen in some picture, or if they've seen in some film, or some image. Because

when people say they want to be happy, my challenge is what does that mean to you? And do you even know if that's good for you? So I'll give you an example. Someone would say to me, Jay, if I said to someone, what would make you happy for lunch? What would you like to have for lunch? Let's go out for lunch. What would you like to have? What would make you happy? That person may say burgers and fries, right? They may say pizza, they may say a sugary drink, like some sort of whatever it may be. Now that may make them happy,

but it's not good for them. It's not actually beneficial, it's not actually healthy. And so what I'm really interested in is, do we want to be happy at the cost of being healthy, at the cost of being nourished, at the cost of being fulfilled? Or would we rather be healthy, fulfilled, and nourished? And happiness will just come anyway because that's a far more sustainable experience. And so I would encourage people to pursue something very different.

I would say pursue what's healthy in life. If you're healthy, you'll be happy. I feel that every day, I don't feel like going to work out every day. I don't feel like eating well every day. Like when you, I always give this example of like, when you wake up for breakfast or you go to lunch or you go to dinner and you see a healthy bowl in front of you, you feel bad before it. You're like, why am I doing this to myself? And then as soon as you finish

it, you feel so good. You feel happy. You feel, wow, that was a great choice. I'm so glad I chose the healthy choice because healthy choices make me happy. But now if I did the opposite, if I chose the burger and fries, and by the way, I used to leave burger and fries sometimes as well, I'm not saying not to eat burger and fries, but if you choose the unhealthy choice, you're happy in the start, you're happy before it,

you look at it and you go, let's get some more fries, bring the ketchup in, let's do it properly. You're happy at that time, then you consume it. Then afterwards you pay the price. And so I think I always focus on not how I feel before something, but how I feel after. The things that are good for you will feel bad before and good after. And the things that are bad for you will feel good before and terrible after. And so I'm more focused on how can you be healthy?

We want mental health, we want physical health, I want relationship health, I want love health, I want friendship health, that health is more important to me than happiness, because health creates happiness. And so I would encourage people to pursue health in their life, have a healthy relationship with your partner, have a healthy relationship with your kids, have a healthy relationship with your body and your mind,

have a healthy relationship with the people you work with every day, because health will never let you down. Whereas happiness, you'll constantly keep trying to find it and grab it and hold it, but it will leave you, it will escape you because it's not meant to be found, it's meant to be almost felt through being healthy. Like a byproduct. almost felt through being healthy. Like a byproduct.

Correct. Yeah, like a byproduct, but even more like, it's like, I think, yeah, when you think of happiness as something to be found, you keep chasing this thing that you don't know what it is and you don't know what it looks like. Whereas when you're healthy, you feel happy. And I think that's what it is. It's a feeling. And so this, actually, let me throw this out there to break it down even further to really

help people out to make it practical. So at any point in time, we're doing one of four things. Thinking, doing, feeling, or knowing. We all know what it feels like to think. You're thinking a thought, and you repeat thoughts, or you change your thoughts. The second is doing, we're doing something. We know what that feels.

We know what that looks like, right? We all do something, you're shooting right now. Me and you are talking, I'm talking, you're listening, we're doing something right now. The third is feeling, I feel sad, I feel happy, I feel tired, I feel burnt out, I feel annoyed, angry upset. We know what it feels like to feel. And the thought is knowing which I classes more of like a spiritual potentially for some people faith-based, a faith intuition knowing where there's a knowing,

I mean, the right place. There's a subtle energy that's guiding you in a certain direction. So we're always doing one of these four things. What's really interesting about our generation is we're trying doing one of these four things. What's really interesting about our generation is we're trying to change our feelings with more feelings. We're trying to feel different by trying to change our feelings.

So we say things like, I don't feel like exercising today, so I won't do it. That doesn't make you feel better. It makes you feel worse. But if I say, I don't feel like working out today, I should do a workout. I should have the thought that working out and exercising will actually make me feel better. Now when I follow through on that, I do feel better. And so you don't change your feelings with your feelings. You change your feelings through your thoughts and your actions.

And we need to start using thoughts and actions to change feelings because otherwise you'll never feel like working hard, you'll never feel like going to the gym, you'll never feel like having an uncomfortable conversation with your wife, you'll never feel like asking your boss for a raise, you'll never feel like doing anything that's hard because your feelings are always going to tell you no, no, no no don't do it So we have to change our thoughts and our actions not our feelings I don't have that resonates or makes sense. No does if you could teach children only one lesson Oh, did you know? Oh these questions man this guy

You're a pro man. You're amazing. That's a good question All right, I'm gonna be thoughtful about this give Give me one sec. Just one thing, right? Yes, take your time. If I could teach children one thing, it would be to not repeat their parents trauma. I think that all the challenges in the world that exists today are because we keep passing down trauma and the trauma we experience from our parents or the people in our lives, our caregivers, we pass on to our partners and our children, and then they pass it on to the next generation and they pass it on to the next generation and it keeps spreading across the world. And so the number one skill I would teach any child

is the ability to heal from their own trauma from their parents as they grow older and help them gain the insight and the healing that means they won't just pass it on to their kids and their partners because it's really interesting how we just keep repeating mistakes and keep doing this. And I'll give you a personal example. So, when I was a young kid, some of the caregivers in my life, some of the people in my family, they loved me a lot, but they made me feel guilty that I didn't love them back enough.

So, these adults would love me, but then they would make me feel inadequate that I don't care about them the same, that I don't make them feel as important. And I carried that for so long that when I married my wife, Ruddy, for years in our relationship, I did the same thing to her. I loved her, I showered her with love, but then I made a full guilty. You don't love me the same. I love you more. You don't love me enough. You don't show me you love me enough. And she's there thinking, but I do love you. Like, I didn't ask you to do all these things and I didn't expect any of this. And I do love you. This is how I love you.

But when you've been loved in that way, we love people the way people have loved us. And sometimes the way people have loved us has actually not been healthy. And so the love we're now repeating and passing on to other people is unhealthy love, unprocessed love. We're loving people with the same mistakes and the same negativity as the love we've received, because we've never healed that. And that's what we think love looks like. We think love looks like making someone feel guilty. Subconsciously, we don't actually think that subconsciously, somewhere in our heart and

our mind, we think love looks like creating drama. Maybe the first boyfriend you had always made you feel insecure and you always had to make it up to him. So now when someone makes you feel insecure and you have to make it up to them, you think that's love. That's how love looks like. Or maybe you had someone who always created drama,

and so something was always interesting. And now when you date someone, and there's boringness because there's peace, you're confused, you're like, wait, wait, wait, wait, this can't be love, because love's going to be more fun than this. But we don't realize that that fun was trauma. And so if children were trained as they got older

at the right time, how to heal their own trauma, the world would be a much better place because most of the problems that exist in marriages, in parenting, between kids and there, mother and father is not anything but that. It's not something unique to that. that it's not something you need to that. There's a beautiful statement by, there's a beautiful statement by Russell Barkley where he said that the people who need the most love often ask for it in the most unloving ways. And I think that is the challenge with our world

that everyone is screaming out, reaching out, calling out for love, but their way of doing that is causing pain to others because they don't know how to ask for love. They didn't know how to ask their parents for love, they didn't know how to ask their partners for love, and now their way of asking is demanding aggressively, sometimes pressurizing, sometimes exploiting, sometimes taking advantage of. And that's only because they were never loved properly. It's scary, you know, Jamie. It is scary. If everything in our life is a word and then we're, it's a gap, a line.

And then the first experience is the definition. So, his child, he still didn't experience love, and then his father beat him. Love is beating. First definition, and the first definition is very difficult to break at a race. Even if you're a race, you'll still see the lines there. So, to take a lot of work, would you say that you were able to break that trauma for you? I would say yes, that I have spent the last couple of decades in my life simply trying to heal, monitor and navigate any trauma I've had. And you're absolutely right that you don't become fully free of it.

It's not like it's all gone and now life's great. You know, I still catch myself making mistakes with my own wife all the time. I had a conversation with her the other day and I was just messaging her afterwards. And I'm sorry, that conversation was all my fault. Like literally just like two days ago. And it was, I realized that I was, and it wasn't about something, it wasn't between me and her, we weren't arguing about something. It was almost like there was something that had happened in, in our family and we were both taking different sides. And

I realized the side I took was only because of my own ego. It wasn't because of, I actually believed it. I just wanted to be right about it. And I wanted to be seen and heard and felt and understood in a certain way. And I went about it completely the wrong way. And I remembered how nicely the conversation had started. She'd called me up and, you know, we've got a crazy time difference right now because she lives in LA, we live in LA, but I'm in Dubai right now. And so, in that short window we had, like, I wasted the call. And so, the trauma doesn't go away completely, but you get better at noticing it, you get

better at observing it, you get better at limiting it and how often it happens. And you get better at communicating it to your partner. And I often say to Rady that, hey, you know, that was just me projecting this thing. I just wanted to be aware of that. It wasn't about you. And as long as you understand that, I just wanted you to get that. And at least, it helps you have that conversation, whereas without you being aware of it, you think you're right. You still think that you got it right. What does love mean to you? So I'm like you, I'm very practical. And I like to define things

So I'm like you, I'm very practical and I like to define things less wishy-washy and more like practically what does it mean? So I define love as three things. The first is when you like someone's personality, basic, obvious. If I like your personality, that is one aspect of what love is about to me. It means I like your company. Studies show that in order to call someone a casual acquaintance, you have to spend 40 hours

with them. Just to call someone a casual acquaintance. Now, I think podcasts are different. I think when you spend two hours like this with someone, you accelerate the casual acquaintance for sure. And when you listen to someone's podcast, you accelerate it too. Even if someone's listening or watching us right now and they listen to you every week and enjoy the content you make, they know you deeply as well

because they're fully embedded in your life. The study says that it takes a hundred hours to call someone a good friend. And it takes two hundred hours to call someone a good friend and it takes 200 hours to call someone a great friend. So love to me is, can I spend 200 hours with this person in the personality section in getting to understand them? That's the first. And the personality part is, do I take the time to understand? Do I take the time to listen? That's what love includes, not just, you know, I like them.

The second thing, this one's really important and I'll define it more specifically, do I respect their values and do they respect mine? When we talk about respect and we talk about values. In relationships, we want people to value what we value equally to how we value it. That will never happen. There is no one in the world who will equally value what you value in the exact way that you value it, even if you have the same values. And what love is is I respect you so much for what you value. And you respect me so much for what I value. I actually respect that you are who you are

because of what you value. I don't wanna change your values. If you want to change someone's values, you don't love them. If you want to change someone's values, you don't love them. If you want to change someone's priorities, you don't love them. I have a lot of friends who say to me, I'm dating this guy, he's not ambitious enough. And I want him to be more ambitious.

And I'll be like, well, what if he never is more ambitious? What if he's happy being unambitious and happy where he's at? Oh, well, no, no, no, no, but he can is more ambitious. What if he's happy being unambitious and happy where he's at? Oh, well, no, no, no, but he can become more ambitious. I know he has it in him. Yeah, but what if he doesn't want to? No, no, no, no, he can be, and I'm just like this conversation's unhealthy because that's not love, that's not belief.

That's not, you think you're seeing his potential and you're going to find him and you're going to be the one to make him the guy he becomes, but the truth is he doesn't want to be that for himself. So now, even if he does it for you, at one point, he's going to figure out, he only did it for you, and then he's going to be upset that he wasted his life becoming someone he didn't want to be for someone who didn't want to be with him. And that's what happens to so many of us. We become someone we don't want to be for someone who doesn't want to be with the real us. And if someone doesn't want to be with the real you because they don't, if you don't respect that that person is not ambitious but that's what makes them special. And if they don't respect

you as being ambitious and that's what makes you special then there's no chance of love. And if they don't respect you as being ambitious and that's what makes you special, then there's no chance of love. And the final one I was gonna say is the third part is, am I committed to helping you towards your goals? And are you committed to helping me towards my goals, whatever they may be? Because that commitment that I'm gonna help you,

I'm gonna support you to become who you want to be, to achieve whatever you wanna achieve. I'm gonna support help you, I'm going to support you to become who you want to be, to achieve whatever you want to achieve. I'm going to support you and you're going to support me. And sometimes that support means space. Sometimes that support means a call. Sometimes that support means cheerleading you. Sometimes that support means checking you and telling you the truth.

Love requires all three of these things, liking someone's personality, respecting their values, and committed to helping them achieve their goals, and they have to have it back if it's too way love. I'll give you a real example. A lot of people have been asking me, so the number one question I get asked anywhere I go in the world for my world tour,

is where's Rade? Where's your wife? I'm like, she's back in LA. They're like, oh man, I go through this thing in life where people are happy to meet me. But then when they know about my wife, I'm a nobody. And she steals all my friends and no one cares about who I am.

It's a good thing, my wife's amazing. What's really interesting is that a lot of people are like, why is your wife not traveling with you? And I'm like, because she has a purpose. She has a passion. She has a passion. She has a life as well. And if my wife's only job was to follow me around and just be in the audience every night while I'm on stage

sitting in a chair right now while I do this podcast, that can't be a fulfilling life for anyone. Just in the same way it wouldn't be for me. Now, my wife's come to some shows, she's gonna come to London shows, she's supportive, we talk every day. It's great, but I'm not going to make my wife sacrifice her purpose to support my purpose.

Because if I love her, I'm gonna be right there supporting her, making sure she has time to do what she loves because that's what makes her special. If I take away from her what makes her special, I might even fall out of love with her. And we forget that we think that if I change this person, there will be more loveable. But as you try and change someone, you take away the parts you actually even love about them right now. Perfect. So, yeah man, I just, you know, in order to answer your question,

I just feel like, I don't even know where I start. I don't even know where I start. What is love? What is love? Yeah, what is love? I repeat, I repeat, the Monika Balucci article quote, and it's very similar. She's like, don't change.

Don't try to change your lover, your son, your child, because if you do end up changing them, you might fall out of love with them. Oh, wow. I didn't know that. Yeah, exactly. That's exactly it. Wow, that's exactly it.

It's like this Photoshop. I want to edit J because I have an image of what my ideal husband, brother, friend should be like. So I need to edit you. Yeah. And then when it's the edit is done, you're like, I don't even like him anymore. Yeah. And I think sometimes the edit also comes out of an ego

because I think you should be the same. Correct. You know? Is that the reason why you wrote your current book? Yeah, the reason I wrote my current book is so much of what we've talked about today. And you know, it's, the reason I wrote it was because I saw that falling in love was such a critical part of whether people were

fulfilled in life or not. So I saw people who had amazing professional lives, but if they didn't have a partner or they didn't have love, they felt a bit unfulfilled. And I saw other people who had amazing partners and even if their professional life wasn't good, they still felt resilient and ready for what the world would bring to them. And I want to caveat that with the real reason I wrote the book was because I wanted people to get to the deeper understanding, and I think this will resonate with you from what you just briefly told me before, is that we compare, we put romantic love as the highest love. So even if you love your kids and your kids love you, even if you love your brother and he loves you, even if you love your sister and she loves you and even if you love your

mom and dad and they love you, you feel because of the way society has set it up that if you don't have a partner that you can't have the ultimate love. But I disagree with that. I actually think that all love is love. Often the love that parents have for their kids is the greatest love that one will ever experience. If you look at the greatest love stories in humanity, they're not between two people, they're not romantic love. The greatest love between two people is usually one person sacrifice for humanity, one person sacrifice for their people, one person sacrifice for their

community, their town, their city, their country. That's sacrifice, that's love. It's not romantic love. We don't talk about in history like two people who love each other and how that helped the world. You never hear that story. I can't think of one couple that you think, oh yeah, when they got together, that changed the world. That made the world a better place. The love that made the world a better place was the love that a few people had for the people in their town that they protected through tough times Through the families that came through together when they were floods when they were famines when they were wars when they were Hurricanes when they were tornadoes and tsunamis like people who came to that was the love

They love that we all felt during the pandemic when people were trying to help each other even when it was so tough That was love those were the love stories we told. So let's not live and think if I don't have someone in my life that I'm without love. I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah, everything that has happened to you can also be a strength builder for you if you allow it. Kobe Bryant. The results don't really matter. It's the figuring out that matters.

Kevin Haw. It's not about us as a generation at this point. It's about us trying our best to create change. Luma's Hamilton. That's for me being taken that moment for yourself each day, being kind to yourself, because I think for Hamilton, on this podcast, you get to hear the raw real-life stories behind their journeys and the tools they used, the books they read and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on-purpose with Jay Shetty on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever

you get your podcasts. Join the journey soon. This is what it sounds like inside the box-car. I'm journalist and I'm Morton in my podcast, City of the Rails. I plunge into the dark world of America's railroads, searching for my daughter Ruby, who ran off to hop train. I'm just like stuck on this train, not where I'm gonna end up, and I jump! Following my daughter, I found a secret city of unforgettable characters living outside society, off the grid and on the edge. I was in love with the lifestyle and the freedom

this community. No one understands who we truly are. The Rails made me question everything I knew about motherhood, history, and the thing we call the American Dream. It's the last vestige of American freedom. Everything about it is extreme. You're either going to die die or you can have this incredible rebirth and really understand who you are. Come with me to find out what waits for us in the city of

the rails. Listen to city of the rails on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts or cityoftherails.com. In the 1680s, a feisty oppressing her burned down an unnery and stole away with her secret lover. In 1810, a pirate queen negotiated her cruiseway to total freedom, with all their loot. During World War II, a flirtatious gambling double agent helped keep D-Day a secret from the Germans. What do these stories have in common? They're all about real women who were left out of your history books.

If you're tired of missing out, check out the Womanica podcast, a daily women's history podcast highlighting women you may not have heard of, but definitely should know about. I'm your host, Jenny Kaplan, and for me, diving into these stories is the best part of my day. I learned something new about women from around the world and leafyling amazed, inspired, and sometimes shocked. Listen on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I have an interesting question that needs your imagination.

Gone? It's a cool one. Well I need you to close your eyes. Okay. Okay. I want you to do to imagine empty desert. Nothing. You need to do here?

Yeah, very. Nothing in this desert. Completely empty. And then suddenly you see a cube. Have you done this cube test before? I've never done the cube test. I've done something else. We're not a cube test. Okay, so now and this empty desert you see a cube up here. Can you describe the cube? Yeah, it's white and it's I'm gonna because it's changing in size right now, but I'm gonna

I'm gonna say it's white and big like it's big enough for me to walk into. Okay and is it on the surface, a sunk floating? It is on the surface. On the surface. Is it transparent or solid? It is solid on the sides transparent in the part that I can walk into. transparent in the part that I can walk into. And then you see suddenly a ladder up here. Where is it? The ladder is on top of the cube pointing into the sky. How tall is it? Is it above 12 steps or less?

It is above 12 steps. New or old? It's new. Okay, so it's on top of the cube. And after the cube, you see a horse. Describe the horse. So the horse is a platinum horse. And the horse is And the horse is very active, like running fast, but also raising on its back legs. And it's a beautiful horse. It's like, you know, having the horse has platinum, so it's pretty spectacular. And so it's a vision.

Is it running to the cube to that, to a way, where is it going? I would say right now, it's running around the cube, to that, to a way, where is it going? I would say right now it's running around the cube. Okay. After the horse you see flowers appear. Where? In the round circle that the horse is formed, says the cube in the middle, ladder on top and then there's all these beautiful flowers now around and then the horse is running around that.

Okay. And after the flowers, I'm assuming they're in good health. Yes. The way you describe it. Okay. And after the flowers, you see a storm. Where is the storm? All the way in the background. Is it far away? Is it affecting any of the things?

No. Okay. Open your eyes. I've never done that before. So that's... Seriously, I'm glad. Yeah, I've never done that before. I've never done that before, so that's... Seriously, I'm glad. Yeah, I've never done that before. I've never done that before, so I know I do. Look, I have you in front of me, so I'm taking advantage of the time.

Yeah, do it, man. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never done that. I love stuff like that, and I've never done that before, so that's true. You're going to love this. Yeah, I got it. It's called the Cochology Cube Test by a Japanese psychologist.

Cool. I love it. Yeah, I love stuff like that. I'm excited now. You can even use it. It's, you'll find it on Google and everything. So the cube is your sense of self or ego. Yours was a medium size. So it's between bold, confident and willing to be seen and small, which is introvert shy, modest, quite rather to blend in and stand out. You're somewhere in the middle because it was a nice size. Yeah. You could walk into. Standing on the sand means you're stable,

know what they want from life and intend to get it, you're logical and precise. Sounds right. And you're the first one who had a solid and hollow. Okay. So you're between knowing yourself and not easily manipulated and you're very self-assured and still busy discovering yourself.

That feels right. That feels right. Yeah, that's good. That's good. yeah. Ladder is family and friends. Okay. You've said this was interesting because I've hardly got this. Yeah. You said it's fairly new, so most of your friends are fairly new or you don't know each other well because of maybe your new tour and all of the life that you're living now. You said many steps, so you probably enjoy being the social butterfly, you know a lot of people, a lot of acquaintances, few friends, but also in turn 10 acquaintances.

And I would agree with that. I would say that I have a lot of new friends because I've moved country and moved state. So I've had to build new community, like I've been in LA for five years now. Okay. And so that's it fairly new here. And I didn't know anyone when I moved to LA.

So it's been a lot of new community. I have a lot of good old friends that like my best friends that like, you know, that I grew up with. Yeah. But yes, I've always kept a tighter circle. Like I don't have a huge circle. So that feels fair. And yes, I have a lot of acquaintances, of course.

Higher than the cube. Yeah. Value friends and family very highly independent on them. Okay. So you said it's touching the cube. Value friends and family very highly independent on them. Okay, so you said it's touching the cube. So not completely dependent on family and friends, but rely on them for support and guidance at times. Correct. Yeah, I'm not I would consider myself to be as in that's good and accurate. I would consider myself to be quite independent in how I make decisions. Yeah. But I appreciate the value that friends and family have in life. I wouldn't want to live a lonely life. I don't think that's healthy to disconnect completely in order to be successful or anything.

Yeah. Horse, ideal partner, Prady. Okay. So, he said, it's interesting, he said she was going around the cube so close to the cube, signifies a close relationship. And you said the sturdy, glamorous, glamorous, prancing house, you value outward appearance, and once someone that others would also approve of, and a sign at moving towards the cube, a sign of new relationship or strengthening

of bonds of an older relationship. Well, I think Rady Orbiting makes a lot of sense because we're both connected, but we're both doing our own thing. And so there's like, yeah, that's interesting. That's fascinating. And the platinum, what does that mean? That's the beauty. Oh, that's the beauty, right? You have a very unique partner, it seems,

because I've never heard platinum before. Yeah, yeah, Rady's. The hair, whatever. Rady is very, like, yeah, she's a very unique present for sure. I've never met anyone who has judged me as little, criticized me as little, and not wanting me to change as little. I've never met someone like that. I think everyone I'd ever dated before wanted me to change in a certain way, judge me in a certain way,

criticize me in a certain way, and to be a certain way, criticize me in a certain way, and to be with someone who's really happy with you being who you are, and allowing you to make mistakes, and allowing you to rectify them, and then you provide the same space back to them, that's the uniqueness that I love the most, because it's hard to find that. You know, it's hard to find that, so. Very. She must be very at peace with herself. She is definitely. She's so self-assured.

I've never met someone who's like, you know, not insecure in that way. Flowers, children. We don't have any yet. It's a little idea that it was between the cube and her. And it was around you, which is both. It's the joint venture, you know? And near the cube shows you wish for a close relationship with your children,

each future children. The amount of flowers signifies the amount of children you like to have. I so wait too many flowers. But I think in my experience with this question is children in general. Yes, you like to be with children because they're pure or what some people don't like.

You'd see that he says one flower, two flowers. I also see like the company of kids or you go along with them. I also see what's beautiful about that. And I think you've resonated with this is, so my monk teachers never had biological children because they're monks and they're celibate and they don't have partners.

But they always treat us like their kids, or younger brothers, depending on the age difference. And I've always found that, like, my community and my audience, I see them as younger brothers and sisters, I see them as people who are, you know, that feels like that paternal aspect, if that makes sense, not like a father, but like a sense of being an older brother.

There's that paternal aspect I have towards even my community and audience, because it's like, hey, I don't need to make the mistakes I've made. Like, you know, here's, here's what I'm learning. Like, there's that, that guidance you want to pass on. So I also see that example perfectly as it's not just biological children, it's, it's people of the world that you feel you want to extend yourself to. So I love that. Last one is the storm, fear, stress and anxiety. Vagally inside or on the horizon, you are at more peaceful inner place. However, the closer the storm, the closer they meet the threat. And he said it didn't engage with any of the elements,

so you consider the threats, any of them, manageable, and you have the confidence and ability to resolve them. That is a really cool activity. That's probably the best one that I've heard of, because I've done some like more best one that I've heard of, because I've done some like more simple ones that I've been done with me. You have to try this with Rade.

I will love it before the interview. Yeah, before she sees this, yeah, yeah. It shows you also how honest a person was on your interview or whatever, because they can tell you their story, but this is subconscious answers. Yeah, I had no idea. I've genuinely never done that before. And actually, I didn't't also what I love about is

You don't know what you're being asked about. Yeah, so I had no idea the horse was rather the exact one for the kids It's brilliant. It's really good. Thank you. Do we do the AB talks one the random card? Have it on ice? Yeah, it's true. So this we just released this. Oh, yeah, I love this. Let's do it, man. Okay. Let me just get a bunch and we'll just do one. Yeah Okay, you're gonna get a bunch and we'll just do one. Yeah. Okay. You're gonna get me the pick one. Oh wow, there's a dice as well. Yeah, we'll use this one.

Mix. Yeah. This is cool man. All right. Okay. Then just use one. The question is, do you think of yourself as an optimist or a pessimist? Throw this and you have to answer accordingly.

Throw it. Throw it. Oh right, okay, but not far away. Anyway. Yeah. We'll read it. Story. Oh, okay.

Okay. Oh wow, that's a great addition, man. Yeah. I've not seen any way out. We worked on this for nearly two years. I've not seen anyone do that. That is genius. You can dig with that.

That's brilliant. That is the best. Okay, guys, you all have to get this box of cards because that is the best one I've seen. I've done cards, but that's a beautiful little piece. Pestimists are optimists in story form. Okay. Yeah. I know which one it is, but I'm trying to find the story. So I'd say overall, optimist and the story is

when Radhian and I got married I Made a commitment to her and I promised to her that we would live within one mile radius from her parents home Mm-hmm And I was happy to commit to that and I was optimistic about it and I was looking forward to it our friends live in that area and we like the area and Then two weeks after we got married I got an opportunity to move to New York. And when I told her about it, it was heartbreaking for her because she's so close to her family and she wanted to be close to her parents.

But I was so optimistic about the move. So in 2016, I changed job three times. I got married. And I moved country all in one year. And they say that those are three of the most crazy things to do in life. I'm married and I moved country all in one year. They say that those are three of the most crazy things to do in life. The only one that we didn't add was have a baby that year. Those are considered to be three of the most difficult things to do in a year.

Change jobs, change country and get married. We did it all within three months. I was optimistic that it would be okay. I was like, yeah, this is going to work out. This is fine, but it's a lot of like, it's very demanding. Like, the reality is that I was very optimistic, but it's extremely demanding. So you have to be that optimistic about it, because it's hard. It's much harder than it looks. It's much harder than I thought it was, but I'm an optimist, sir. What are you afraid of? I think my honest fear for a long time has been

not reaching my potential. And that's what spurred me on so much is that I never wanted to live a life. I felt like I got given a lot of gifts and a lot of beautiful mentors, teachers guides in my life. And my fear would be that I don't, not that I don't live up to what day one because they don't have any pressure, but that I don't feel like I lived up to that potential, but a deeper answer that's coming to me right now is I'm sitting with you as that.

The thing I would, I'd say the fear I work on the most, I'd like to give that answer if that helps because I'm always working on my fears because it feels manageable and a healthy thing to do. The fear I work on the most is getting ready to be able to free myself one day for when all of this goes away that I'll be able to peacefully let it go, that I'll be able to happily step back and realize that it was a beautiful blessing and a beautiful journey, and that I did my

part, but then now it's okay to let it go, it's okay to be insignificant, it's okay to be irrelevant, it's okay to be forgotten, that's okay, it's okay. And to allow yourself that peace that at the time of death when it comes that you did your part and you tapped out and that life was about so much more than just this, that seems all consuming and all central at this point. But my relationship with God and my relationship with the universe, my service to humanity was always what it was about and it didn't matter what it looked like and how it sounded and what it felt like it was just that I did my part and that I left peacefully, I think being able to be prepared for that is the fear I work on the most.

It's one of the best answers I've got. If you were on your deathbed, hopefully after a long fulfilling life, and you were surrounded with loved ones, people you can imagine now, that you want them around you, and you had the blessing of saying a few words before you die. What do you think you'd say? I would say don't cry for me, don't cry for losing me, but cry for the people that are in pain right now, we're still alive and find a way in your life and in your heart to positively impact just one person. Take your time to extend your life beyond your family and friends to

one person out there who may need your love the most right now Someone you may not even know Someone you may have never met someone who's a stranger if you could just extend yourself extend that love You feel for me right now extend that love to them. I'm good. I don't need it extend that love to just one other person If you can extend your love to and express your love to one person apart from me with the same love you feel for me, that would be the greatest gift of your love for me. And hypothetically, if I could take your heart and place it in front of you, what do you think your heart will tell Jay? At that time? No. Oh, now.

Just keep speaking your truth. Some people will like it. Some people will hate it. Some people will understand you. Some people will judge you. Just keep speaking your truth, because... That's all you have anyway. Now, what is something you need more than anything at this stage in your life? What I need most of my life right now is

to trust myself, just like I trust myself. Seven years ago when I started this journey, that I don't know the path I had, but we'll figure it out. Last one. Jay in it out. Last one. Jay in one word. Papas. Jay.

Thanks for it. Thank you, Brownie. Thank you. You're welcome. I enjoyed this. I loved it. I have a fun one. Gone.

If you could choose three people on a dinner table that are alive and they all speak the same language. Who would you choose? Because I know you met a lot of people in your life and some maybe you never met what would you love? people on a dinner table that are alive and they all speak the same language. Who would you choose? Because I know you met a lot of people in your life and some maybe you never met what would you love? Everyone I admire is dead. And so so who's on the day? Steve Jobs. I've studied Steve Jobs's life for years and I find him fascinating and he was very

spiritual too. He spent a lot of time with monks in Indians I have a lot of fascination because he has this incredible east-west paradigm and dynamic in his life and so Steve Jobs would be at that table. I'd say Nikola Tesla like Tesla himself because I think that There's very few people again, so you'll notice all the people on picking, they had East and West, like they were able to see, like he was able to see science,

but then there was, he had a belief in something beyond science. That's what fascinates me is people who were able to find these synergies in things that we often see as black and white or opposites. But the paradox is the contrast you talked about earlier. So Steve Jobs, Tesla.

And yeah, I would say I would have to add Martin Luther King because I don't know anyone who built, like, you know, when you talk about these people, what they built, like shattered so many generations of thought. And so I think what I'm trying to do in the world is we're in what we're trying to do, both of us are trying to do in the world is we're trying to shatter so many myths and misconceptions that exist in the world around people, around ideas, around culture and society, and I don't think, I can't think of anyone better than Martin Luther King who did it in such a prolific way and

emphatic way that has made such a difference, long lasting and broke down something that was so long standing. So I agree. Yeah, those three people. You know what's funny while we're doing the interview? We sometimes move similarly. Really?

Like when you're thinking and I'm thinking, I can see, we do this. Oh really? You did too? I did. I always do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And sometimes you do this and I do this. I'm like, we're just doing the same thing. Let's go for it, man. That's so funny. I love that.

No, dude, you are phenomenal at what you do. Honestly, you are so good at what you do. Easily, easily, the best thing to be done in a long, long time. And it's because of you. And also the stillness and the presence I feel in this room is really special. So I was so present because the environment you guys have all created and the energy that you guys have created, it's like... You don't see them not move, they're like...

It's real, not even cough. But I mean, it's incredible in here, so... Thank you. Thank you, man. Honestly, I mean, that from the bottom of my heart. I think it takes two to tango also. I could be a very good interviewer, but if I'm not dancing... I hope you found that. I really get it too soon.

We can easily talk for our... Yeah, no, no. Have you ever had a friend get really into something and then try to get you into it too? Like doing a detox, going minimalist, or taking up CrossFit. Maybe you even got psyched and said, yes, I'm totally doing that. But when it came down to it, you never did give up coffee, get rid of half of your stuff

or learn how to do a muscle-up. Well, if you felt bad that you didn't follow through, don't worry. The problem wasn't with you. It was with your why. The next seven minutes are about your goals and how to line them up with what really matters. I'm Jay Shetty. Welcome to the Daily J. Before we dig into our goals, let's pause and get centered with three deep breaths. So take a deep breath in and and flowing out. Gathering up your attention and landing in this moment.

Now let's dive in. A few years ago, a team of psychologists wanted to study what makes people accomplish some of their goals, but not others. They asked subjects to list a few personal objectives they were trying to accomplish. The participants said things like, pay off their, lose 20 pounds, and clean out my closets. The researchers had them rate how they were fairing, and then answer a pretty unusual question. Did trying to achieve each outcome make them feel more or less connected to their true self? The participants were also asked to indicate how much they believed that accomplishing those

goals would make other people like or respect them. In the end, the researchers found that when our goals align with what's truly important to us, we're more likely to achieve them. But when our motivation is to make others happy, or to look good, the odds are against us doing what we set out to do. Whether it's from parents, friends, or even just culture at large, it's easy to feel buried under a mountain of sheds. or a mountain of sheds. For one, people are often quick to offer us advice. Or we see what others are doing and automatically think we must do the same. Either way, it's easy to internalize those sheds and make them our goals. I should do yoga. I should start a company. I should travel more. Those objectives may be positive, but if they don't align with our values, or what we want for our lives,

we're less likely to accomplish them. And that can derail our confidence, sap our drive, or distract us from what we really want. Maybe you came across an article that outlined how every successful person reads at least 20 books a year, and you say, I'm gonna do that. But two months in, you're only halfway through book one. Then, the criticism starts. Why can't I just do this, you think? What's wrong with me? But the issue isn't aptitude or even aptitude.

It's alignment. The goal was never truly meaningful to you. Of course, it's totally fine to get external inspiration. Sometimes what someone else is doing can clue us into our own passions and desires. But you might find yourself pursuing something only because you feel like it will increase your status or help you fit in. Or perhaps you think it's what you're supposed to do. If that's the case, chances are it's going to be an uphill climb.

And if you do make it up the hill, you may not feel as excited or fulfilled as you'd imagined. So as much as possible, try to set goals that appeal to your authentic self. Line up what you want with who you are. And now, with our time today winding down, let's turn to a short meditation before reflecting on your goals. So get comfortable wherever you are, tuning in to the present, and leaning into ease.

Letting go of distractions, judgments or expectations. As you give yourself permission to pause and simply be here in this moment. continue to settle your mind, continuing to settle your body, continuing to embrace more aware of your experience. Aware of how you're feeling be popping up or aware of the quiet in your mind. Whatever your experience, see if you can observe it with clarity and non-judgment, while always orienting yourself toward ease. When we check in like this, we start to grow more aware of ourselves and any forces that are pushing or pulling us. Hopefully, ultimately, we can take back some of the control. Now let's open this up. Bring to mind a current goal of yours. Is that objective aligned with your authentic

self? Is it something that really matters to you? Or is it a should you've internalized from the outside world. Going forward, can you make sure your aspirations come from you instead of others? Thank you so much for being here today. I hope to see you back again tomorrow. I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Hart, Lewis Hamilton, and many, many more. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw real-life stories behind their journeys and the tools they used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make a difference

in hours. Listen to on purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Join the journey soon. I'm Munga Shatekler and it turns out astrology is way more widespread than any of us want to believe. You can find it in major Baseball, International Banks, K-Pop groups, even the White House. But just when I thought I had a handle on this subject, something completely unbelievable happened to me, and my whole view on Astrology changed. Whether you're a skeptic or a believer, give me a few minutes because I think your ideas are about to change too.

Listen to Skyline Drive on the i Heart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. When my daughter went off to hop trains, I was terrified I'd never see her again, so I followed her into the train yard. This is what it sounds like inside the box car. And into the city of the rails. There I found a surprising world, so brutal and beautiful,

that it changed me. But the rails do that to everyone. There is another world out there. And if you want to play with the devil, you're going to find them down in the rail yard. Undenail Morton, come with me to find out what waits for us and the city of the rails. Listen to city of the rails,

on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Or, cityoftherails.com.