On Purpose with Jay Shetty - How To Master Your Emotions in 90 Seconds & Save Yourself From Regret

Episode Date: October 4, 2024

How do you usually react when you're angry? Have you ever regretted saying something in the heat of the moment? Today, Jay talks about the transformative power of the "90-Second Rule," a life-changing technique that can help you choose your response in moments of intense emotion. Have you ever acted in the heat of the moment and later regretted it? Jay explores how 90 seconds can be the difference between reacting impulsively and responding with intention. Inspired by Viktor Frankl's quote, "Between stimulus and response, there is a space," Jay unpacks the concept that this small window of time holds the key to our growth, freedom, and ability to create better outcomes in our lives. He shares personal stories, practical tips, and scientific insights to help you harness the power of this technique, including deep breathing exercises, mindfulness practices, and ways to recognize and label your emotions. In this episode, you'll learn: How to control your emotions in stressful moments How to apply the 90-second rule to avoid impulsive reactions How to recognize and label your emotions accurately How to practice mindfulness in moments of frustration How to take a 90-second break to reset your mindset By allowing yourself those 90 seconds to breathe, reflect, and choose your response, you create the space to align with your values and intentions. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 02:17 It’s About How You Respond to Situations 06:27 The 90-Second Rule 11:55 #1: Set a Timer 13:05 #2: Do an Internal Weather Report 13:47 #3: Check-in with Your Body 18:01 Sadness Last Longer than Other Emotions 20:53 We Repeat What We Reward See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, everybody. Welcome to Across Generations, where the voices of black women unite. I'm your host, Tiffany Cross. Tiffany Cross. Join me and be a part of sisterhood, friendship, wisdom and laughter. We gather a seasoned elder, myself as the middle generation and a vibrant young soul for engaging intergenerational conversations prepared to engage or hear perspectives that literally no one else has had. Listen to Across Generations podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast or wherever you get your podcast. Get emotional with me, Radhita Vlukya, in my new podcast, A Really Good Cry. We're going to be talking with some of my best friends.

I didn't know we were going to go there, Amir. I'm going to go there because this is people that I admire. When we say listen to your body, really tune in to what's going on. Authors of books that have changed my life. Now you're talking about sympathy, which is different than empathy, right? Never forget, it's okay to cry as long as you make it a really good one. Listen to A Really Good Cry with Radhie Devlukia on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hi, I'm S.E. Cup, And I've spent my career interviewing people about politics, presidential elections, and some really tough breaking news. But now I need a break. And I think you do too. So on my new podcast, Off the Cup, I'll still be interviewing people, usually famous and most likely my friends, but about life. You know, the stuff that consumes us when we're not consumed by politics. So come join me every Wednesday for some conversational self-care. Listen to Off the Cup on the iHeart radio app,

Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your favorite shows. Let's be honest, life is stressful. It's work, it's relationships relationships and the state of the world. But there's a way to bring that stress level down. Calm. It's the number one app for mental wellness with tons of content to manage anxiety, promote concentration and help you unwind. There's music, meditation and more.

Calm makes it easy to de-stress, you can literally do a one minute breathing exercise. Personally, I love the soundscapes. Nothing like a little rain on leaves to help soothe my nervous system. I've actually been working with Calm for a couple of years now and I'd love for you to check out my series on reducing overwhelm. Eight short practices, quick relief. Right now listeners of On Purpose get 40% off a subscription to Calm Premium at calm.com forward slash j. That's c-a-l-m dot com forward slash j-a-y for 40% off.

Calm your mind, change your life. 90 seconds could be the difference between saying what you mean or saying something mean. 90 seconds could be the difference between saying what you mean or saying something mean. 90 seconds could be the difference between losing someone you love or showing someone how you want to love them. 90 seconds could be the difference in what the next nine weeks or nine months may look like. 90 seconds of sitting with the emotions in your body, allowing them to settle will actually give you an awareness

of what you're actually experiencing. The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the place you come to become happier, healthier and more healed. My name is Jay Shetty and I'm so thankful to be back with you. Now, I recorded this theme for an episode of my Daily Jay on Calm.

If you're not using Calm to find balance, to find meaning, to meditate and practice mindfulness daily, definitely check it out. And it inspired a longer episode over here. So there's a quote that I absolutely love from Viktor Frankl, the groundbreaking psychologist and Holocaust survivor and the quote goes like this between stimulus and response there is a space in that space is our power to choose our response in our response lies our growth and our freedom let me say that again between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. Now we've heard this principle probably a few times before. The idea that it's not about what happens to you, it's about

how you respond. It's not about what's going on around you, it's what you're able to do with it. It's not about what the world throws at you, but what you decide to do with it. And if you think about it, if someone throws something at you, you have a choice. You can catch it and almost make it a part of yourself. You can dodge it and allow it to flow past you. Or you can catch it and throw it back to try and create pain on the other person's behalf as well. We always have a choice.

But what happens is that as time goes on, as we get busier, as we reflect less, as we focus less on why these things happen, what's happening around us, and as we just feel more overwhelmed, we lose the ability to choose our response. And when we lose the ability to choose our response, we potentially lose our ability to,

according to Viktor Frankl, have growth and freedom, two things that I think are extremely important. Now, in the Daily J episode, I talked about an experience I had where I was driving home, it was a beautiful day, the sun was out and I was playing some awesome music. And then all of a sudden a car came out in front of me, truly just cut me off by surprise.

Like I was really scared that we were about to have an accident. I braked really, really hard. I could feel some anger because it was so, like I can't tell you how close it was. And I really, really felt like it was, you know, seconds apart, tiniest space from leading to a big accident, which not only would have affected me,

but would have affected them as well. And I'm sure you've had this experience, right? I'm sure you've had this experience where someone cuts you off, something happens maybe in traffic, you get really, really angry, and you off, something happens, maybe in traffic, you get really, really angry and you're feeling this tension, you're feeling this stress

and you might even wanna, you know, like get out and talk to the driver. Some of you may get really angry and maybe you've felt this before and maybe you've acted on it. Now I didn't act on it that day, but maybe you've acted on it and I find that maybe you've acted on it. Now I didn't act on it that day, but maybe you've acted on it. And I find that maybe you've acted on it. Maybe you've said something you didn't mean.

Maybe you've made a comment that you didn't want to say. Maybe it was with your partner. Maybe it was with your child, right? Maybe your child was just annoying you and you said something that you wished you didn't say. And then after that, you regret it. You feel bad about it. It's not how you wanted to act, it's not what you wanted to do. But how do we stop that from happening? How many times have you had it where you got angry, passionate, aggressive and said something you didn't

want to or did something you didn't want to because of the heat of the moment, because of the emotion you were feeling and the emotion felt real in the moment and it was, but you acted on it now you look back and think I wish I never said that, I wish I never did that, maybe some of you have this voice in your head before you go to bed saying could have done that better right it could have been better now neuroanatomist Jill Bolte Taylor describes something she calls response ability meaning we largely have the ability to choose how we respond to what's happening in the outside world and she says it helped her understand

something called the 90 second rule. Now I love this and this is what this episode is about, this 90 second rule. Now when I was driving and my brain sensed danger, my body released adrenaline which is designed to help me focus and get ready for action. That's how I was able to avoid an accident but after after I took action, I still felt agitated because my emotions were triggered along with my survival instincts. And all the chemicals associated with those emotions take about 90 seconds to dissipate.

As long as I didn't feed the emotion, if I stopped myself from amping it up further, then the chemicals would die down. On the other hand, if I'd started yelling and screaming, my brain would have released more anger signals and the feeling would have continued. So what changed for me is I took some deep breaths and allowed the chemicals and the feeling to pass.

Right? Now as I dive into this topic I want to be really clear this isn't about avoiding emotions. This is about subverting those knee-jerk responses that don't represent the person we want to be. When we say or do things we later regret. This is about buying time so we can be more conscious and intentional so that the action we do take aligns with our values and beliefs. So here's how I want you to think about it. What we're trying to do in this moment is we're trying to buy ourselves time so that we don't go and create more pain, so that

we don't go and create more stress, right? If you catch something that someone throws at you and throw it back at them, it continues the cycle. If you catch it and make it a part of you, it continues the cycle. If you dodge it, you allow it to go past you, although it does have an impact on you. So how do we do that in a real life situation? Three deep breaths take about 10 seconds. So in 90 seconds, we can take 27 deep breaths take about 10 seconds. So in 90 seconds we can take 27 deep breaths.

This is a great number to count up to, to put it in your mind's eye. Count to 27 as you breathe in and breathe out. This 90 second rule allows you to understand that chemically, if you allow this to pass in 90 seconds, you have the ability now to truly choose how you respond. It's almost like for 90 seconds, you're controlled, you're influenced. You're going to act in a way that may not be you, that may not be aligned with who you are or what you prioritize or what you believe to be valuable. It's just 90 seconds and so many of us give away

amazing relationships, break or blemish partnerships, friendships, whatever it may be because we don't want to wait 90 seconds. That's how I want you to think about it. 90 seconds could be the difference between finding a solution and losing a friendship. 90 seconds could be the difference between saying what you mean or saying something mean. 90 seconds could be the difference between losing someone you love or showing someone how you want to love them. 90 seconds could be the difference in what the next nine weeks or nine months may look like. 90 seconds of sitting with the emotions in your body, allowing them to settle settle will actually give you an awareness of

what you're actually experiencing. You may find that what was first anger is actually disappointment. You may find that what was first frustration is actually now angst. You may find that was once quite aggressive is actually a still and calm emotion and when we're able to master those 90 seconds we can actually cope better with surprises. Now listen to this if you prepared next time you hear a surprise something comes along and shocks you let it settle for 90 seconds because chances are your initial response won't be helpful. Now, this is different in a in a fight or flight situation, right?

In the car accident situation, I'm happy that this kicked in and that I didn't have time for 90 seconds to think through this. Similarly, in a place of physical danger, it's great to avoid this. But when it comes to more mental, emotional challenges, this can save us a lot of headaches. 90 seconds could save you from ruining the next nine weeks or nine months of your life. 90 seconds could save you from ruining one of your best relationships. 90 seconds could protect you from reacting in a way that isn't aligned with who you are and who you want to be. Now here's

the way I want you to think about how to actually put the 90 second rule into practice. The first thing is set a timer. When you're going through something like this, set a timer and watch that countdown. It's almost like doing a plank. If you've ever done plank position in a workout and you know you've got 60 seconds, 90 seconds to do it and you're just waiting there, you might be in pain. You might be sucking in your core and then trying to loosen it. You might be trying to cheat a little bit on the sides but you're sticking it out for those 90 seconds. Treat it that way. Turn on a timer, have a 90 second timer ready to go so that you know you're allowing the chemicals to go down naturally because

chances are in those first 90 seconds you call someone up, you tell them how it's going, you now exacerbate it. Right? You start texting someone frantically, you now exacerbate it. So we're constantly extending our overwhelm. We're constantly extending our anxiety, extending our stress, advancing our pain, when actually we could deal with it in a much more healthy way. Get emotional with me, Radhita Vlukya, in my new podcast, A Really Good Cry. with it in a much more healthy way. We're going to be talking with some of my best friends. I didn't know we were going to go there on this. People that I admire.

When we say listen to your body, really tune in to what's going on. Authors of books that have changed my life. Now you're talking about sympathy, which is different than empathy, right? And basically have conversations that can help us get through this crazy thing we call life. I already believe in myself. I already see myself. And so when people give me an opportunity, I'm just like, oh, great, you see me too. We'll laugh together, we'll cry together, and find a way through all of our emotions.

Never forget, it's okay to cry as long as you make it a really good one. Listen to A Really Good Cry with Rady Devlukia on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, everybody. Welcome to Across Generations, where the voices of Black women unite in powerful conversations. podcast or wherever you get your podcasts. She's an elder. But even with a child, there's no such thing as the wrong thing if you love them. Myself as the middle generation. I don't feel like I have to get married at this big age in life, but it is a desire I

have and something that I've navigated in dating. And a vibrant young soul for engaging intergenerational conversations. I'm very jealous of your generation that didn't have to deal with Instagram and Tinder. This is Across Generations, where Black women's voices unite and together, you know how we do, we create magic. Listen to Across Generations podcast on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Essie Cupp, and I've spent the last 20 plus years knee deep in politics in the news. wherever you get your podcasts. health break, from the news, from the triggering headlines. And I kind of suspect some of you listening out there might need a break too. So my new podcast is going to be just that, a fun and loose space where I talk to my famous friends and people I admire about all the stuff

that consumes us when we're not consumed by politics. I did not really rebel in the 60s. I had no sex in the 70s. I made no money in the 80s. So when true crime came along, I missed that trend too. So many great guests are joining me from Josh Mankiewicz to Larry Wilmore to Molly John Fass to Josh Gad. I'm so excited that you have this platform. And I am just like hoping that I don't destroy the platform in its earliest stages. Listen to off the cup on the iHeart radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your favorite shows.

The next thing is take a moment to do what I call an internal weather report. Right? Where's it feeling cloudy? Where's it feeling rainy? Remember, we're not avoiding our emotions. We're feeling them. We're letting them be there. We're just not acting on them. That's the difference. Right? We're just not reacting.

We're allowing time to go past so that we can respond. If you act straight after experiencing something, that is a reaction to what happened. If you allow the 90 seconds to pass, you now received it and now you're responding. I think another great tool is to check in with your body. It's asking yourself what's going on in my body right now? What what am I thinking about? How am I feeling? You're almost learning to observe your body and

mind. This also allows us to not make it personal. Often the reason why we react so frantically, aggressively, passionately is because we take everything very personally. These 90 seconds allow for you to not make it personal and just observe yourself experiencing these emotions and especially notice the physical and mental emotions you experience. A lot of us don't realize when we pretend like we're not experiencing anything, it actually gets stored in the body. And we don't want that to happen. We don't want stress to get stored in the body.

I've already mentioned inhaling and exhaling can actively relax tense areas of the body and mind. And this is probably one of my favorite ways. Noticing and naming the emotion is a really important thing. I found that being able to label how you feel, especially things that come about more often than others, is a really healthy way. Like, for example, I know that before I go on stage, I often feel nervous, but I call that my stage nervousness. I know that that's my anxiety that I'm experiencing because I care about what's happening.

So I've labeled it care anxiety. Anxiety for when I care. People always ask me, Jay, do you still get nervous before you go on stage? And I say, yes, always, because I care. I get nervous when I care. People always ask me, Jay, do you still get nervous before you go on stage? And I say, yes, always, because I care. I get nervous when I care. So when I get nervous now, I know it means I care and I've labeled it that way. And that way I know that I'm safe

because I care about what I'm doing. I believe in what I'm doing and that's a beautiful thing for me to remember. It's the same feeling, but the labeling has helped me understand it differently. And I want you to think about how you can label your emotions differently as well. Now notice how these 90 seconds require a lot of stillness. If you're driving fast, you can't spot anything on the road.

You may miss a sign. You may miss the animals in the field. You may miss a sign. You may miss the animals in the field. You may miss a billboard. When you're driving fast you miss everything. When we're moving fast, when we stay busy, when we ignore these 90 seconds, we keep moving fast, you will miss so many signals from your body. Every day we miss so many signals from our body. Every day we miss so many signals from our body. Every day we miss so many signals from our mind. Because every day our body and mind is trying to protect us, trying to help us and trying to encourage us to learn. But we miss out on all of that because we're moving fast.

Because we're moving at a pace where we believe we can't slow down. And for this 90 seconds, when you choose to just slow down for 90 seconds, you stop yourself reacting from a fast car. And instead you learn to respond in slow motion. It's almost like when you're in slow motion, you can actually see things for what they are.

Right, if you're driving slowly, you can see what's in the distance. You can see what's in the foreground. You can make out the distance between things. Just slow down for 90 seconds before you react to respond. Maybe get a message and it triggers you. You get an email and it makes you feel nervous and anxious. Instead of responding immediately, instead of reacting, instead of taking a screenshot and sending it to someone and reacting to it, take 90 seconds.

That's all you need to do. Take 90 seconds and let it slowly dissipate organically. Now, some emotions are different than others. I saw a study on the MailOnline that said sadness lasts 240 times longer than other emotions. In this research study that I read on the Mail Online, researchers surveyed 233 young adults from a Belgian high school with an average age of 17

and found emotions vary widely in duration. They said of the 27 emotions studied, sadness lasted the longest, whereas shame, surprise, fear, disgust, boredom, feeling touched, irritation and relief were the shortest duration emotions. Emotions that lasted longer were associated with more important event triggers, as well as more reflection about the feelings and the consequences of the event that prompted the emotion. Now, why am I sharing this? I'm sharing this because I realized this a while ago. When something

bad happens, we cry for a month. When something good happens, we celebrate for a night. Remember to share your wins as much as you share your losses. If something goes bad, you're likely to tell 10 people. If something goes well, you might tell one. There's a reason why we submerge ourselves in sadness more than we immerse ourselves in greatness. It's because we've practiced over and over and over again to dive deep into our pain and swim shallow in our pleasure. Right, we actually swim shallow when it comes to amazing experiences.

Maybe you'll post on social media, maybe you'll share one line. You have a very shallow experience with the good things in your life and a very deep experience with the bad things in your life. Try to take a moment to acknowledge today the good that you've done. I'm sure it was so easy at the end of the day to judge yourself, to shame yourself, and to guilt yourself at the end of the day. I'm sure it was so easy to make yourself feel bad. I wish I did that better. I could have done that better.

I made a mistake on that. I should have been smarter. I should have been faster. I should have been quicker. Why didn't I know that? Right, this is how we talk to ourselves. We're so good at making ourselves feel bad, but making yourself feel bad

will never lead to you doing good. Right, let me say that again. We're so good at making ourselves feel bad, but making ourselves feel bad will never create good in our lives. We repeat what we reward. We repeat what we reward. If we reward ourselves for good action at the end of the day we'll repeat it. If you recognize that today you made it to 45 seconds before responding you'll repeat it. If you recognize that today you made it to 45 seconds before

responding, you'll repeat that. You're moving in the right direction. But if you make it all about the mistakes you made today and how you're so far behind, guess what? You'll repeat that because we become familiar with that emotion. We become familiar with that action. So what I want you to do when you're having a tough conversation, tell your partner, hey, let's just take a 90 second break.

If you receive an email from your boss and you're struggling how to respond, take a 90 second break. If you woke up in the morning and you're feeling a certain way, give yourself a 90 second break. A 90 second break could be the difference between you breaking and responding with ease. That's literally all it will take.

And I really, really hope that you'll try out the 90 second rule. I want you to reflect on how you normally respond to a stimulus that stirs up challenging emotions. Do you usually just rush into a reaction? Do you allow those emotions to build? What could you do to create more space so you can respond with intention? I think this will make a huge difference in your life. It will make a huge impact on what's possible. And it will save you from so much stress and pain. Remember, I'm forever in your corner and always rooting for you.

If you loved this episode, you're going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your ex and find true love in your relationships. People should be compassionate to themselves, but extend that compassion to your future self. Because truly extending your compassion to your future self is doing something that gives him or her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life.

Hey, y'all, Nimmini here. I'm the host of a brand new history podcast for kids and families called Historical Records. shot at a happy and a peaceful life. by tuning in to Historical Records. Listen to Historical Records on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, I'm Gianna Perdenti. And I'm Jemay Jackson-Gadston. We're the hosts of Let's Talk Offline from LinkedIn News and iHeart Podcasts. There's a lot to figure out

when you're just starting your career. That's where we come in. Think of us as your work besties you can turn to for advice. And if we don't know the answer, we bring in people who do, like negotiation expert Morrie Tehary-Pore. If you start thinking about negotiations as just a conversation, then I think it sort of eases us a little bit. Listen to Let's Talk Offline on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.