On Purpose with Jay Shetty - The 4 Types of People You Meet in Life & How to Handle The Way They Treat You

Episode Date: September 27, 2024

Who in your life challenges you the most? Who sees more potential in you than you do? Today, Jay unpacks the powerful idea that everyone we meet serves a distinct purpose in our lives, acting as mirrors, windows, or doors. Inspired by a concept shared by TikTok creators Kim Peretz and Stale Hope, Jay talks about how different people reflect our flaws, show us glimpses of our potential, and open new pathways to growth. Jay explores the idea that some people mirror back our darkest and most uncomfortable traits, offering us valuable opportunities for self-awareness and growth. He emphasizes the challenge of accepting lessons from those we may not want to listen to, reminding us that the message is often more important than the messenger. He introduces the concept of doors and keys—those who open paths and unlock parts of ourselves in the most perfect way. He discusses the importance of gratitude and recognizing the people who have helped us move forward, even if we may have forgotten them. In this episode, you'll learn: How to accept difficult truths about yourself How to recognize the people who reflect your potential How to stay open to advice even when it’s hard to hear How to appreciate the role others play in your personal journey How to stay curious about what others see in you As you navigate your journey, remember that every person you encounter has something to teach you, whether they act as a mirror, window, door, or key. You're not alone on this path. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 02:12 The Mirror, Window, and Door of Our Life 03:12 People Mirror Back to Us Our Flaws 11:14 People Are Like Windows, They See More Potential in You 18:07 Some People Open a Door or Path for Us 19:33 Some People Are Keys, They Unlock Parts for UsSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The Therapy for Black Girls podcast is your space to explore mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr. Joy Hardin Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, and I can't wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday. Listen to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Take good care and we'll see you there.

Something that makes me crazy is when people say, well, I had this career before, but it was a waste. And that's where the perspective shift comes. That it's not a waste. That everything you've done has built you to where you are now. This is She Pivots, the podcast where we explore the inspiring pivots women have made and dig deeper into the personal reasons behind them. Join me, Emily Tish Sussman, every Wednesday on She Pivots. Listen to She Pivots on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Get emotional with me, Radhita Vleukya, in my new podcast, A Really Good Cry. We're going to be talking with some of my best friends. I didn't know we were going to go there, Amir. I know, because this is people that I admire. When we say listen to your body, really tune in to what's going on. Authors of books that have changed my life. Now you're talking about sympathy, which is different than empathy, right?

Never forget, it's okay to cry as long as you make it a really good one. Listen to A Really Good Cry with Radhida Vlukya on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. There's a lot of talk about mindfulness these days, which is fantastic. I mean, we all want to be more present and self-aware, more patient, less judgmental. We discuss all these themes on the podcast, but it's hard to actually be mindful in your day-to-day life. That's where Calm comes in.

I've been working with Calm for a few years now with the goal of making mindfulness fun and easy. Calm has all sorts of content to help you build positive habits, shift your self-talk, reframe your negative thoughts, and generally feel better in your daily life. So many incredible options from the most knowledgeable experts in the world along with renowned meditation teachers. You can also check out my 7-minute daily series to help you live more mindfully each and every day.

Right now listeners of On Purpose get 40% off a subscription to Calm Premium at Calm.com forward slash j. That's C-A-L-M dot com forward slash j-a-y for 40% off. Calm your mind, change your life. Imagine the strength and the resilience you'll have when you're able to become better even from someone who's bitter. When you're able to grow even when someone's trying to guilt you. When you're able to find grow, even when someone's trying to guilt you. When you're able to find a shift, even when someone's trying to shame you. Imagine how powerful you become

when you can transform, turn anything into gold. That's what the real Midas touches. The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty. Ha ha ha. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. I am so excited and grateful to be here with you right now.

Thank you so much for making the time to tune in to become happier, healthier and more healed. I love having these check-ins with you, whether you're listening every day, multiple times per day, every week, it means the world to me. And I love the fact that so many of you come up to me and share your stories and so many of you share it on Instagram and TikTok. It's unbelievable.

And I deeply appreciate those of you who are leaving reviews. It makes a huge difference to podcasters. So thank you so, so much. Now today's episode is inspired by something I saw posted from a creator called Kim Peretz on TikTok. And she said she was trying to find the original creator who said it, who I believe was Stareal Hope. Now what they were sharing was this insight and I loved it ever since I heard Kim say it. I absolutely loved it and it was this idea that everyone you meet in your life is either a mirror, a window or a door and I really love this concept. Make sure you go follow

Stareal Hope and Kim Peretz on TikTok who've really helped popularize and share this concept because they're making other amazing content as well. But today I wanted to share my own reflections on this idea. I wanted to share some of my own viewpoints, some of my own beliefs, and maybe some of my own directives

of how to think about this clearly. The first one is a lot of the people we meet in our life are like a mirror. Now what does that mean? It means they mirror back to us our flaws. They mirror back to us our mistakes. They mirror back to us our triggers. How many times have you met someone where they mirror your dark side? When you see them, they show you some of the challenges you're dealing with. They expose you to some of the flaws, some of the intricacies, the nuances of some of the difficulties you might be going through when you look at them, you're reminded of what you still need to improve.

Now sometimes these people can come in forms that are overtly helpful. And sometimes these people come in the form of someone that we don't like at all. When someone shows us parts of ourselves that we're not comfortable with, we struggle to be comfortable with them. When someone truly acts like a mirror with us, it can be one of the most difficult things to deal with because we don't want to see that about ourself. So often we discard, we disregard, we distance ourself from these people, whether they want to help us or not is a completely different story. But what I do know is this, the information they're giving us,

the signals they're giving us, the insights they're giving us, the signals they're giving us, the insights they're giving us are helpful. Sometimes the most helpful people in your life will feel like they're unhelpful. Sometimes the most powerful, profound messages you'll receive will be from the most difficult messages. Sometimes what you need to hear will come from someone you don't want to listen to. Let me say that again. Sometimes what you need to hear will come from someone you don't want to listen to. Sometimes you'll have to face something from someone that you don't

want to see. And sometimes you'll have to understand something from someone who's misunderstood you. A lot of the times, the lessons we need to learn, the things we need to change, the shifts we need to make, come from people that we don't want to hear about it from. But here's the thing, the message is more important than the messenger. What we need to learn is more important than the person who brings the lesson. Often what we do is we don't get the message because we don't like the messenger. Often what happens is we don't grow because we don't like the person who's inviting that

growth. What we end up doing is postponing our own potential. What we end up doing is pushing back our own progress. What we end up doing is pulling away from our own purpose. Take a moment to just reflect who in your life has been a mirror positively in the sense that they were helpful, they were tactful, they were not critical, and who has been a mirror in your life that was maybe more uncomfortable? They could have said it nicer.

They could have been better themselves. They could have held themselves to a higher morality and value themselves. But what could you even learn from them? I know this is hard. I know it's difficult. And I know it's complex. Because once we've labeled someone as negative, we usually think that anything that comes from them is the same.

But I remember in the monastery, we were always taught that we should be able to find in a toxic place. That doesn't mean we see them as positive. It means that we believe that we can learn something from anyone. We can gain something from anyone, but it's hardest and harshest when the messenger isn't easy and isn't in flow and isn't someone that we can easily digest something from. I get it. I've been there. I know what that feels like.

I would have learned so many lessons earlier had I not judged the teacher. And now I've started to realize that the lesson is the most important thing. The universe, God, the energy is trying to share something with me. And I can ignore it because I don't like the messenger. But then there'll just be another messenger who has to find their way through it to me. It's almost like an alarm it because I don't like the messenger, but then there'll just be another messenger who has to find their way through it to me. It's almost like an alarm tone that you don't like the sound of.

It's still trying to wake you up, right? You may not like it, you can change it if you don't like it, but the point is you still have to wake up. And often in our lives, we're constantly getting wake up calls, but because they come from people we don't like, or we don't like the sound of them, or we don't like how they carry themselves, we press snooze.

We push it off. So I want us to really reflect on that. Who in your life has been a mirror that's triggered you, that you know was exposing you to a higher truth, that was pushing you to a higher standard. But because they didn't do it in a way that you didn't like, you ignored them. You ignored the message. You didn't take it seriously. And take a moment to ask yourself,

what were you being called to do? What were you being invited for? How can you disconnect the message from the messenger and digest the message? Even if the messenger doesn't know how to deliver it. Give an example. Let's say you order something off of Uber Eats, DoorDash, whatever it may be. And the delivery person didn't deliver it perfectly. They left it a few doors down from yours.

Or maybe they delivered it, but it was slightly squashed. You're still gonna eat it because you want the nourishment. Now you could sit there and be like, oh, I wish they delivered it properly and I didn't want my burger to be smashed. Of course, I don't want to smash burger either, but you get the point. Sometimes we're complaining about the delivery that we don't get the nourishment.

If we can challenge ourselves to learn even from the most unlikely, unwarranted places, imagine that kind of mindset that you have. Imagine the strength and the resilience you'll have when you're able to become better, even from someone who's bitter. you'll have when you're able to become better even from someone who's bitter. When you're able to grow even when someone's trying to guilt you. When you're able to find a shift even when someone's trying to shame you. Imagine how powerful you become when you can transform, turn anything into gold. That's what the real Midas touches. The ability to turn criticism into creativity, the ability to turn

feedback into future motion, the ability to turn mistakes into mega success. It's a powerful trait, one that's extremely hard to follow, one that's extremely hard to do because we think the message is disqualified if the messenger is unqualified. But I'm here to tell you this. I've learned the hard way. Take the message. Take it even if you don't like the messenger. Reflect on it.

Introspect on it. Disconnect it from the messenger so that you can truly digest it. For all the parents out there, picture that it's bedtime. You and the kids have been busy all day. You know they're tired, but with all that anxious energy, they just won't go to sleep. This was my kids every night. But I did find that stories calmed their mind and gave them something to focus on.

So six years ago, I created the kids podcast Bedtime History to help solve that problem. Bedtime History is a series of relaxing history stories that end with an inspirational message. We have episodes about Jackie Robinson, Neil Armstrong, Maya Angelou, and Sokka Jowaya. Episodes also include topics like space exploration, engineering, the rise and fall of civilizations, and major events like the civil rights movement and the transcontinental railroad. With over 2,000 positive parent reviews, Bedtime History is one of the top education podcasts. This week join me and listen to Bedtime History every Monday and Thursday on iHeartRadio app, Apple

podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Minnie Driver- Imagine you ask two people the same exact set of seven questions. I'm Minnie Driver, and this was the idea I set out to explore in my podcast, Minnie Questions. This year we bring a whole new group of guests to answer the same seven questions, including actress and star of a mega hit sitcom Friends Courtney Cox. You can't go around it so you just go through it. This is a roadblock. It's gonna catch you down the road. Go through it. Deal with it.

Comedian, writer, and star of the series Catastrophe Rob Delaney. I shouldn't feel guilty about my son's death. He died of a brain tumor. It's part of what happens when your kid dies. Intellectually, you'll understand that it's not your fault, but you'll still feel guilty. Old rock icon, Liz Fair. That personal disaster wrote Guyville. So everything comes out of a dead end. And many, many more.

Join me on season three of Many Questions on the iHeart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your favorite podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. Parents, if you've ever experienced bedtime battles with the kids, I'm going to let you into a little secret. I'm Abbey, a mother of two, and I had these battles myself.

Endless excuses, delay tactics, and many tears and tantrums. But I've created a solution. The perfect kids podcast that makes bedtime a dream. It's called Koala Moon and it's hosted by me, Abby. With over 300 episodes, packed with original stories and sleep meditations, Koala Moon makes bedtimes easy and enjoyable. Episodes start out engaging and really rather magical, but as they progress, they gently slow to a calm and relaxing pace to have your little ones out like a light.

Since launching in 2022, Koala Moon has helped with over 20 million nights sleep and received over 6,000 five-star reviews. Win back your evenings. Listen to Kuala Moon now on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The next thing that these two wonderful creators shared and popularized was this idea that we also meet people in our life who are like a window and they talked about the window as someone who sees more for you, who sees more for you, who sees

more potential in you, who shows you a portal into a new space, a new world. I'm sure you've met people that showed you your potential when you couldn't even realize it. When you met people who showed you a vision that you'd never even considered before. Someone who opened the blinds and opened the window and let the fresh air and the sunlight in when you were in the darkness.

What's interesting about this type of person is that often when they first show us the light, we're almost like vampires. Like we like close our eyes and we're like, oh, I don't want to see this. I don't want to. This literally happened to me the other day. Riley woke me up to go to my workout and my first reaction was like, why did you wake me up? I didn't want to wake up. I'm so tired. You should have let me sleep. And she's like, how am I meant to know?

And then afterwards I was like, I'm really sorry. I'm really really happy you woke me up I was really glad I got a workout in. Often people who show us the window we may even often show them the door when they're seeing more for us we may even discount that and say you don't love me for who I am you don't see what I do have and that may be true it's not that you're wrong they may be condescending. It may not come in a great tone either. But chances are it's because they believe in you in some way. That doesn't mean you have to believe in their dream for you. Doesn't mean you have to chase their dream for you.

But maybe it will give you a glimpse into what could be possible for you. People who create wider possibilities in your life and possible options by showing you windows and glimpses can be some of the most profound people in your life. I remember I used to have a mentor, he used to always say to me, J, we'll find your potential when you go through pain. He was opening a window for me, a vision.

And I used to think to him and say to him, hey, like, come on, I know my potential. And then when I went through pain, I was reminded of that window he'd opened me, exposed me to. He would also say to me, Jay, you're an entrepreneur. And I'd say, no, no, no, I'm not an entrepreneur. He'd say, no, you are, you're a leader. And I'd say, no, no, I'm not a leader. How many say, no, you are, you're a leader. And I'd say, no, no, I'm not a leader.

How many times have you said no to someone when they have a vision for you? I used to also think he had no awareness of who I actually was, that I've grown and expanded, I've recognized that he was so right about so many things. And that's the interesting thing about the windows that come into your life. Hopefully they stay long enough that you can thank them, but a lot of them leave

before you notice their impact. That's true of the first one, too. Some mirrors come into our life and they may not be permanent mirrors. They were there for a moment. They were there for a fleeting experience. And of course, we may move on from some mirrors. We don't have to hold on to a mirror if it's negative for us, if it's unhealthy for us, if someone is raising things for

us that are so triggering and so hurtful. Sometimes we want to break the mirror and we may drop it. We may run away from it. And then in hindsight, with time gone past, we can begin to value it. Similarly, we do that with windows. In the moment we may think, well, you don't know me. You don't understand me. You don't recognize me, but actually in the long term, we think, well, I'm so glad they showed me that window.

One thing I began to realize is just because I don't see what someone else sees, it doesn't mean I have to walk away. When someone sees what I don't see, the first thing I do is I ask them, how do you see that? Where do you see that? Why do you see that?

It's a point of being curious. I think we have a natural reaction when something doesn't perfectly match, we almost disregard it rather than being curious about it. How can we be curious about it? How can it be truth to it? How can there be value to it? How can there be some basis for it? And we can also ask some of our doubts about why that doesn't work for us, why it doesn't make sense, why we can't make sense of our doubts about why that doesn't work for us, why it doesn't make sense, why we can't make sense of it,

why it doesn't feel right right now. And that's the key. Just because it doesn't feel right right now doesn't mean it can't be right one day. Just because something feels wrong right now doesn't mean it can't be right one day. And something that can feel perfectly right right now may not feel right one day. So don't focus so much on whether something's right or wrong.

Allow it to be what it is, which is that it's okay right now. It makes sense right now. I think what we often do is we want something that makes sense right now to make sense forever. We want something that feels right now to feel right forever. And then what happens is when we discover that it's no longer what we want, we then look back and think, oh, I wasted a lot of time. Oh, I wish I knew this before. And what we do is we discount and invalidate the last few years.

You didn't get something wrong. You did the best with what you knew then. And guess what? You'll make more mistakes because you're only doing the best with what you know now, and that's OK. That's totally OK. Stop beating yourself up for not learning the lesson earlier.

Stop ridiculing yourself and criticizing yourself for not knowing things before. Stop hating on the past version of yourself because it got you here to the present. It got you here right now to this answer, this solution, this resolution, this point of change, this pivot in your life. You got here because of that mindset.

It protected you. It provided for you and now it's your pivot. Often what protects you one day may harm you. And your job is only to realize the day that it turns into harm, that you let it go. Your job is not to look back and make the past feel like a waste of time or irrelevant or insignificant. So when you meet someone who shows you a window, be curious. When you meet someone who shares a vision with you, be curious. You don't have to follow it. You don't have to pursue it, but be open to it.

Aspect of the types of people we meet in our life. This person said was a door. These are the people that open doors for us. They are a door for us. They're a path for us. And I like to edit this one. I feel like it's someone who opens doors for you. These are usually what I call the in-betweeners. I promise you that you have a friend today, you may have a job you love, you have something in your life that's meaningful, and you forgot the person who introduced you to it. Whether it was a book, whether it was an album, whether it was a person, whether it was a job, whether it was a person, whether it was a job, whether it was a community center, a sport, whatever it may be, there's someone in your life

who introduced you to something amazing. They open the door to something and you've forgotten who they are and that person who opened the door for you, it's kind of like if someone opens the door for you at a mall, you walk through it. You may never know who they are. You may never even ask who they are. You may smile and say thanks. Imagine the people that are doing that for you in life. There are people literally opening doors for you in life that we forget, we leave behind,

we move on from because we moved forward. Take a moment to send that person a message. Take a moment to send that person a message. Take a moment to thank that person. Take a moment to acknowledge that person today. Maybe send them a message, send them a note because that person's amazing. They opened a door for you. I wanted to add one more to this.

I think we also meet people who are like keys. People who unlock parts of us in the most beautiful, gentlest of ways in the way that fits perfectly, right? With the window, it was someone showing us a window, with the door, it's someone opening the door, it's with the mirror, it could be harsh, it could be easy, but with the key, everything makes sense,

everything unlocks, everything's the perfect fit. And sometimes you have to try a lot of keys to find the one, right? Imagine you've got all these keys around your, you know, a big key chain and you're testing each key to see if it works and one fits kind of half and one gets stuck and one doesn't quite turn the lock. It takes a lot of keys to find the one key

that unlocks it all. And that's what life can be sometimes, like especially romantically, where romantically we've had a lot of mirrors, people who showed us the worst parts of ourselves, the best parts of ourselves, and maybe even showed us broken mirrors. I think that's a really interesting part of it,

where really in relationships what we're doing is we're both holding up a broken mirror and we're reflecting broken parts of ourselves and the other person to each other with the window in a romantic relationship. Someone shows it, but we may not be ready yet. We may still be in bed going, I don't want to see anything right now. And often we live to regret that we end up thinking oh well I wish that person who saw my potential could still be here right now but guess

what that wasn't their role their role in your life was just to move you in that direction and you weren't ready for them yet and that's okay. And then we'll meet people who open doors and maybe they are the people we forget they're the people we leave behind let's not do that. Let's remember them let's thank them let's appreciate them. And finally, there'll be the key, the rarest of them all. People that are hard to find, people that other people try to pretend to be false keys until we find the right one. What does this mean for us? It means that when you meet someone, reflect on what role they played in your life, know what they did to you,

maybe not even what they said to you, what role did they play and how did you leave them a better person? People may not leave you better off, but you can leave them better off for yourself. People may not leave you happy, but you can heal to happiness yourself. People may not easily help you become better, but you can help yourself not become bitter. I wish you all the best in your relationships.

I wish you all the best in all of your endeavors. Remember that I'm forever in your corner and I'm always rooting for you. And again, don't forget to follow Kim Peretz and Stariyal Hope on TikTok. Amazing creators putting out great content that I think you'll love. And I'm so glad to both of them for introducing me to this idea

that hopefully I've remixed today, added some of my own thoughts and reflections in a way that is helpful to all of you. Thank you. If you love this episode, you'll enjoy my interview with Dr. Daniel Amon on how to change your life by changing your brain. If we want a healthy mind,

it actually starts with a healthy brain. You know, I've had the blessing or the curse to scan over 1,000 convicted felons and over 100 murderers, and their brains are very damaged. Bring a little optimism into your life with The Bright Side, a new kind of daily podcast from Hello Sunshine, hosted by me, Danielle Robay.

And me, Simone Boyce. Every weekday, we're bringing you conversations about culture, the latest trends, inspiration, and so much more. I am so excited about this podcast, The Bright Side. You guys are giving people a chance to shine a light on their lives, shine a light on a little advice that they wanna share.

Listen to The Bright Side on America's number one podcast network, iHeart. Open your free iHeart app and search The Bright Side. The Black Effect presents Family Therapy, and I'm your host, Elia Connick. Jay is the woman in this dynamic who is currently co-parenting two young boys with her former partner, David. David, he is a leader. He just don't want to leave me. But how do you lead a woman? How do you lead in a relationship?

Like, what's the blue part? David, you just asked the most important question. Listen to Family Therapy on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. For all the parents out there, picture that it's bedtime. You and the kids have been busy all day. You know they're tired, but for some reason they just won't go to sleep. And for this reason, I created the podcast Bedtime History. Bedtime History is a series of relaxing history stories that end with an inspirational message. With over 2,000

positive parent reviews, Bedtime History is one of the top education podcasts. Join me and listen to Bedtime History every Monday and Thursday on iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.