On Purpose with Jay Shetty - Why Love Is Not Enough & 5 Things to Focus On More in Dating & Relationships

Episode Date: June 28, 2024

Do you and your partner share values? How do you support each other emotionally? Today, Jay taps into the  idea that love alone is not sufficient to sustain a healthy relationship. While love is important, other elements such as shared values, emotional maturity, consistent patterns of behavior, and trust are crucial for long-lasting partnerships. Societal norms often romanticize love, leading people to overlook these essential factors. Jay discusses the significance of understanding and respecting each other's values, as well as recognizing and addressing patterns of behavior. Emotional maturity, which involves managing and expressing emotions healthily, is highlighted as a key component of a stable relationship. Support and partnership are deemed more critical than love alone. In this episode, you'll learn: How to communicate your value to your partner How to develop emotional maturity How to support your partner's emotional growth How to build trust in your relationship Remember, love is important, but building a relationship on trust, values, and emotional maturity is key. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 01:07 Do They Love Me? 04:42 #1: Love Makes Us Forget the Importance of Values 08:56 #2: Love Makes You Forget Patterns of Behaviour 16:09 #3: Love Makes You Forget How They Treat You 19:29 #4: Love Versus Support 21:46 #5: You Forget the Importance of TrustSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, everybody. Welcome to Across Generations, where the voices of black women unite. I'm your host, Tiffany Cross. Tiffany Cross. Join me and be a part of sisterhood, friendship, wisdom and laughter. We gather a seasoned elder, myself as the middle generation and a vibrant young soul for engaging intergenerational conversations prepared to engage or hear perspectives that literally no one else has had. Listen to Across Generations podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Hello, from Wonder Media Network, I'm Jenny Kaplan, host of Womanica, a daily podcast that introduces you to the fascinating lives of women history has forgotten. We've always been intrigued by stories of disappearances, whether it's a fraudster from the 17th century who kept

evading the authorities or a novelist who taunted the Nazis and faked her own death, we all want to know what happened next. To find out, listen to a manica on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Parents, if you've ever experienced bedtime battles with the kids, I'm gonna let you into a little secret. The Koala Moon podcast has revolutionized over 20 million bedtimes with parents like you calling it life-changing and the perfect nighttime routine. With original kids bedtime stories and cozy sleep meditations, every episode has been

specially designed to make bedtimes a dream. Listen to Koala Moon on the iHeartRadio app, on Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The healthiest, longest lasting relationships are based on peace. Pleasure may start relationships, peace continues relationships. I saw a quote the other day that said, if your home is a place of peace, you've broken the cycle. The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty.

The one, the only Jay Shetty. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. I'm so, so happy to be with you. It's your host Jay Shetty. And I couldn't be more grateful that you tuned in today Especially to this episode all about the reasons why love is not enough and what to focus on more in dating and relationships if you're someone who's been trying to fall in love trying to find love looking for love This episode is for you

If you're someone who's kind of falling in and out of love, trying to figure out whether you're still in love with the person, this episode is for you. And if you're one of those people that had to walk away from love, this episode is for you. Now, I was thinking as I was reflecting on this topic about that old game that I think I used to watch people play in primary school, elementary school, where someone would grab

a daisy and the game would go, he loves me, he loves me not. And I was looking this up on the internet and it was talking about how this is a game of French origin in which one person seeks to determine whether the object of their affection returns that affection. Fancy way of saying, he loves me, he loves me not. Now, what was interesting about that is this idea that we are constantly, since we're young, trained to ask that question. Do they love me? Do they love me yet? Are they in love with me? When will they be in love with me?

When will they tell me they love me? And the same back. Do I love them? Am I ready to love them? But here's what I want to ask you in this episode. Have you ever felt you loved someone but knew they weren't right for you? Let me say that again. Have you ever felt you loved someone but knew they weren't right for you?

How many times have you been in that position before? Or you loved someone but they weren't good to you? How many of you have experienced that where you loved someone, you had strong feelings for someone but they weren't good to you? Maybe you're in that position right now and I'm so happy that you're listening to this episode. Or maybe you love them, but you didn't trust them. How many of you know someone who's dating someone right now where they say they love them, but you know, they don't trust them. And what's really interesting about all of this is we'll, we often hear our friends, our family members,

people we love make excuses for people that they're dating. Like, oh yeah, he loves me, but you know, sometimes I wonder why he doesn't care. Or she loves me, but sometimes I wonder whether she's just with me for fill in the blank. Here's the reality. If they loved you, they'd call. If they loved you, they'd care. If they loved you, they'd ask.

If they loved you, you'd know. And often our feelings of love for someone make us forget that love is not enough. Because what we really want is not just someone to say, I love you. We want someone who makes us feel loved, makes us feel cared for, makes us feel seen, heard, understood, and someone that we do that back to. We don't want someone who just says they love us. We want someone who lives like they do. We want the actions, we want the behaviors. And so when I say love is done enough, it's not because I want to be negative,

it's not because I want to put a downer on love. It's because so many of us place love on this pedestal and we believe that love is enough because we've been told that love is all we need, right? That's what we've been told, that's what we've repeated. And so I wanna talk today about what we should focus on, what we should notice, what we should focus on, what we should notice, what we should

amplify in our relationships in order to make sure that we're not misled by what we think is love. Partly one of the challenges is that we live in a world where we only have one word for love, but the Greeks had seven words for love, the Vedas have five words for love. Love was far more of a detailed, complex topic and it's become oversimplified in our modern day. So, love makes us forget the importance of values. How many times have you sacrificed, negotiated with, or put aside one of your values because you thought you loved someone? Right?

So you had a really important value. Maybe you had an event that was really important to you. Maybe you had a person that was really important to you, a friendship, but you put it aside because you thought you were in love with someone. How many times have you ever regretted that in the future? How many times did you feel that was the best thing I ever did? It's really interesting, isn't it? That if we love someone, we often forego our values, we put aside our values. When actually if someone loved us, they would never let us do that. That wouldn't be the way they'd want us to act. And so values are such a critical part of the love setup. This is one of

the reasons why when I've become a relationship advisor at Match, one of the first things we built was a value-based assessment. This was to help you with a quiz to understand your own values so that we could pair you with other people who are A self-aware about their values and B may even share similar values. If you want to check that out, you can go to match.com forward slash J and that was so important to me because I wanted us to recognize that love is not enough. If you couldn't name your partner's top three values and they can't name your top three values, that's proof to you that love is not enough.

What is it that your partner would never let you sacrifice? What is something that you would want to sacrifice out of love, but your partner would never let you sacrifice? That is a deep value to you. For example, for me, I know that Radhi, one of her biggest values is family. And so whether it's her visiting London, whether it's her wanting to organize vacations for her family, whether it's her wanting to create experiences and memories, I know that that's the most important thing to her in the world.

And I would never want her to give that up. No matter how important something is to me, no matter how important it is. And she knows that for me, my purpose is my biggest priority and my biggest value. And no matter how important something is to her, she won't want me to give that up. But love often makes us forget our values. And in love, we want people to forget their values. We want our partner to sacrifice their values to show us they love us.

But that doesn't sound like love. It sounds like manipulation, it sounds like control. But love can often make you think you're doing things that are higher. You almost manipulate yourself into thinking, oh, I really love this person because I'm willing to give this up. So love makes you forget your values. It makes you forget your partner's values. And that's why love can't be enough because after weeks, months, years of putting aside your values, and when you feel misaligned, you wonder, why did I ever do that? Why did I give that up?

That was so important to me. That was such a priority to me. How did I let that just go? How did I let that just fade? How did I let that just be? So ask yourself, are you getting to prioritize your values? Does your partner prioritize your values? Do you even know prioritize your values? Does your partner prioritize your values? Do you even know what your values are?

Are you aware of how they stack? I think a lot of us deprioritize our values because we don't know them. And a lot of us struggle in love because we're hoping that love will make up for the lack of knowledge we have and the lack of awareness we have. This second one is probably the most common one, but it's the most avoidable because of love. Love makes you forget patterns of behavior. Sometimes the wrong people will say the right things. Sometimes the

right people will say the wrong things. Trust patterns not what people say. So many of us, let me just say that all again, sometimes the wrong people will say the right things. Sometimes the right people will say the wrong things. Trust patterns, not what people say. How many times has love made you forego what you see? You see someone make a mistake after mistake after mistake and you go, oh, but they love me. See, it's not even that you love them. You go, but I know they love me. I know underneath all of that, they love me. They've convinced you, they love you, even though they don't act that way. And we've convinced ourselves that you they love you even though they don't act that way and we've convinced ourselves that they love us even though they don't behave that way. How many times have you seen sign after

sign after sign that everyone can see you can see it too but you gloss over it with love. Right you just wipe over it with love and you say no no no but we love each other. It's okay we love each other. Right and you just wipe over it with love and you say, no, no, no, but we love each other. It's okay, we love each other. Right, and you keep doing that until that cloth that you're wiping it gets smaller and smaller and smaller. And now you can't wipe anything with it. And again, it's apparent to you that love is not enough. Focus on behaviors, actions, and check those behaviors and actions. By the way, sometimes people don't know

what actions and behaviors you count as love, and they may not know which ones you count as love. Ask them, how do you show love? When do you show love? And here's how I show love, and here's when I show love. This is what it looks like. That communication to match those patterns with what the person says. And that's why I use the word patterns because people are patterns, we're all patterns.

Right? There's very few people that are not repeating patterns. We repeat communication styles, we repeat how we deal with conflict, we repeat how we deal with stress and anger. Those things are repeated again and again and again. Love makes you forget patterns of behavior. It makes you focus on what that person says, what you may feel around them, but not what that person does. It's time to start focusing on actual effort, on actual action.

If you're constantly justifying someone's behaviors to make sense of them, sometimes, by the way, it's fair to do that, right? No one's perfect. No one's going to tick all your boxes, but you have to ask yourself, how much are you justifying? How much are you filling in the blanks? Versus how much are you truly understanding the person being a human and having limitations?

Right, sometimes we can just have godly expectations of someone. And it's important to actually say, well, I can't expect godly patterns. But am I just seeing a pattern that's actually negative and repetitive? Then I am positive and momentum based, moving in the right direction. Love is not enough because it makes you forget emotional maturity.

This is what's fascinating about this love is not enough statement is that it actually acts as forgetfulness. It's almost like you get amnesia from what really matters because you use love as the cover-up. You use love as the band-aid and love makes you forget someone's level of emotional maturity. Do you believe this person knows how to engage in emotionally healthy conversations? Do you believe that this person is emotionally mature when it comes to managing their own emotions? So the American behavioral clinic's definition is emotional maturity is the ability to understand, manage and express emotions in a way that promotes personal growth and healthy relationships. That's one of the things that we're really, really looking for.

We're really, really looking for that. One of the things I love that I've read from Roger K. Allen is he talks about the stages of emotional maturity. So he talks about how survival is fear-based living, security is duty-based living, success is ego-based living, and serenity is love, trust, and I'd like to think peace-based living. So when you're looking at emotional maturity, you're looking at, does your relationship work

from a place of survival? Are you constantly breaking up, making up? Are you just trying to survive? Is that the energy that you're carrying in your relationship? Because then love isn't enough. Is it security? Is it duty and safety? Is it because, oh, I feel secure, I'd rather not be alone.

Is it success? I was speaking to someone the other day and he said to me, he said this woman said to him, you're a high value man, that's why I want to be with you. Now that language has really perpetuated itself into modern daily love speak. And it's really, really interesting to me because when I asked him, what do you think that person's top value is, he said power and that that person has been making dating decisions based on power. So that's success and ego-based living. Now, what does that mean?

That level of emotional maturity means even if you love each other, if someone is more powerful, more success-based, more ego- based. That's an easy trade, right? That's an easy way for that person to move on. So love makes us forget that love makes us go, Oh no, but they love us. Like we are that person for them rather than actually being clear and going, okay, well, wait a minute. Does this person bring peace into my life? And I think this is often, I'd say peace is one of the most underrated

relationship benefits. I think we think of things like chemistry, the spark, we think of pleasure. Again, I'm not saying any of those things are not good to think about, but the healthiest, longest lasting relationships are based on peace. Right? It's peace that keeps relationships together. Pleasure may start relationships, peace continues relationships. I saw a quote the other day that said,

if your home is a place of peace, you've broken the cycle. I saw on Instagram, I took a screenshot, sent it to Radhi, and I just said, this is what we're building, right? This is what we're working on. We want our home to be a place of peace. Notice I didn't say this is what we've done, we've achieved it. It's what we're working on, it's what we're working on. We want our home to be a place of peace. Notice I didn't say this is what we've done, we've achieved it.

It's what we're working on. It's what we're building. It's what we're creating together. It's what we're founding together. So don't let love overshadow a lack of emotional maturity. Get emotional with me, Radhita Vlukya, in my new podcast, A Really Good Cry. We're going to talk about and go through all the things that are sometimes difficult to process alone. We're going to go over how to regulate your emotions, diving deep into holistic personal development, and just building your mindset to have a happier, healthier life.

We're going to be talking with some of my best friends. I didn't know we were going to go there, aren't we? People that I admire. When we say listen to your body, really tune in to what's going on. Authors of books that have changed my life. Now you're talking about sympathy, which is different than empathy, right? And basically have conversations that can help us get through this crazy thing we call life. I already believe in myself. I already see myself. And so when people give me an opportunity, I'm just like, oh, great. You see me too. We'll laugh together. We'll cry together and find a way through all of our emotions. Never forget, it's okay to cry as long as you make it a really good one. Listen to A Really Good Cry with Rali Devlukia on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Something that makes me crazy is when people say, well, I had this career before, but it was a waste. And that's where the perspective shift comes.

That it's not a waste that everything you've done has built you to where you are now. This is She Pivots, the podcast where we explore the inspiring pivots women have made and dig deeper into the personal reasons behind them. Join me, Emily Tish Sussman, every Wednesday on She Pivots as I sit down with inspiring women like Misty Copeland, Brooke Shields, Vanessa Hudgens, and so many more. We dive into how these women made their pivot and their mindset shifts that happened as a result. It's a podcast about women, their stories, and how their pivot became their success. Listen to She Pivots on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Imagine you ask two people the same exact set of seven questions. I'm Minnie Driver, and this was the idea I set out to explore in my podcast, Minnie Questions. This year, we bring a whole new group of guests to answer the same seven questions, including actress and star of the mega hit sitcom Friends, Courtney Cox. You can't go around it, so you just go through it. This is a roadblock. It's going to catch you down the road.

Go through it. Deal with it. Comedian, writer, and star of the series Catastrophe, Rob Delaney. I shouldn't feel guilty about my son's death. He died of a brain tumor. It's part of what happens when your kid dies. Intellectually, you'll understand that it's not your fault, but you'll still feel guilty. Old rock icon, Liz Liz Fair. That personal disaster wrote Guyville. So everything comes out of a dead end. And many, many more. Join me on season three of Many Questions, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your favourite podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. The next is, love makes you forget their trauma and how they treat you. When you love someone, you automatically feel a false sense of compassion towards them. What I mean by this is, you see the pain they've been through, which is by the way an important part, but you sometimes negate how that pain creates pain for you. Now loving someone means to understand their pain, loving someone means to recognize their pain,

and loving someone means to accept that people have pain. But loving someone doesn't mean that that person's pain causes you pain and you ignore that pain just because you know where it's come from. Knowing where it's come from and where it originates from is healthy and important and it's a valuable part of being in love. But just because you love someone doesn't mean that you ignore their trauma and how their trauma makes them treat you. I read this great point from I think it was collected by the lady alchemist T H E E lady alchemist and it said I just broke things off with my boyfriend a few days ago we were good we got along well had fun together and grew together but his mother

kept interfering he claimed he loved me which I do believe was genuine but he'd never take the actions necessary to solidify or protect our relationship. I stuck around for three months while he tried to convince his mother into letting him continue dating me. Just because you love someone, the feeling, it doesn't mean things will always work. I ended up breaking up with him.

I want an adult relationship and not a man afraid of his mother at 24 years old. Now, that's someone being honest about what they want and what they're looking for and what's important to them. And as Stephen Chbosky says, we accept the love we think we deserve. And I think a lot of that, let me just say that again, Stephen Chbosky said, we accept the love we think we deserve. And often the reason why we let someone love us in their trauma, in their pain, is because there's a familiarity we have with it. Maybe we weren't the top priority to a parent and now that person is

mirroring it and it actually feels familiar. Maybe a parent loved us, but made us feel guilty or shameful and now this person does that and it feels familiar. Often the way someone loves us through trauma is familiar to the trauma we've been through and we keep accepting that. But remember that Stephen Chbosky said we accept the love we think we deserve and what we have to do is ask ourselves, what type of life do we want?

What type of love do we want? It's not gonna be perfect. And we're probably gonna have to understand that the version we want probably doesn't even exist because it's almost like the God love that we're looking for. And what I mean by that is this perfect, universal, godly type of love that we all crave, we all have that God shaped hole in our heart that we're trying to fill and we're not going to get that, but

are we getting a love that's healthy? Are we creating a love that's healthy with that individual? So it's really important to talk about trauma, to understand that person's trauma and don't let love just overshadow that. The next one is love versus support. What we really want is support. Love isn't enough. You need support. You want a partnership, not just a relationship. I was speaking to a friend the other day and he was talking about how he finds himself doing everything in a relationship. Now whenever anyone says that to me, my first version is to be skeptical and thoughtful about it and say, look, when we look at the scorecard of love, it's great not to have a scorecard, but we all keep one. And often what we do is we only look at the

financial we think who provides financially. But I like people to extend their scorecard of love to physical, financial, emotional, mental and spiritual. Physically, who takes care of the relationship? Who's taking care of the food, the cleaning, the groceries, the cooking. These are all important parts of a relationship. Don't forget that when you're coming up with your scorecard. The second is who's financially taking care of the relationship. Don't forget that when you're coming up with your scorecard. The second is who's financially taking care of the relationship. Who's paying the bills, the rent, the mortgage.

Who's paying for all the stuff. Who's paying for when things go wrong. Who's paying for health insurance, whatever else it may be. The third is who's mentally leading the relationship. This is a lot more subtle, but we often forget it. It's almost like who's really mentally stable in difficult times? Who's really making sure that you're both feeling secure and stable in the relationship? Who's really making sure that you're both being level headed about your decision making?

Then who's emotionally leading the relationship? Who has more mood swings and who's actually making sure that you're happy? Who's the one who's carrying the relationship emotionally? And finally, spiritually, who's the one guiding you both spiritually, if that's a value for you. So when you look at the scorecard across all five areas, you start to realize you may not be in the lead, but if you realize that you are the one doing four out of five or three out of four, then of course there is an

imbalance and obviously we use love again. We go, oh, they're busy, they're fine. But let's really think about that. Are we using love as a way of covering up what we deserve. There's one more I wanted to share with you, which is love makes you forget the importance of trust. There's a quote that I love that says, trust is more valuable than love because you can't love someone you don't trust. Right? You can trust someone you don't love. Like you trust someone that you work with and you may not love them, but you can't love someone you don't trust.

And that's why trust is more valuable than love, because you can't. And often what we realize is you're like, I love them, but I don't trust them. I want to check their phone all the time. I love them, but I don't trust them. I'm wondering where they are at night. I love them, but I don't trust them. And of course we have to ask ourselves, do we not trust them because of our own trauma?

Or do we not trust them because of their behavior? That's the next question. Right, the next question isn't to force someone into being trustworthy, it's to say, wait a minute, is it my own conditioning that's holding me back? Or is it the way they behave? Now if it's my own conditioning, let me work on that. Let me build up my attachment styles.

Let me become healthier with myself. But if it's their behavior, let me not let that lead me to a relationship I don't want. I hope this relationship helps you understand that love is beautiful. It's powerful. It's necessary, but there's more to it. And often when we keep asking ourselves, do they love me? Do I love them? We're not asking the right questions.

The real question is, do I trust them? Do they support me? Do I care about them? Are they there for me? Do their patterns show up in the way that I would want someone that I love? Or are they just relying on what they say? Thank you so much for listening. show up in the way that I would want someone that I love? Or are they just relying on what they say? Thank you so much for listening. Make sure you leave a review, pass this on to a friend.

I can't wait to see you again on the next episode. Thank you so much for listening. And I hope you enjoyed your walk, your gym session, cooking, walking, your dog, driving, whatever you're doing right now, I appreciate you. And remember, I'm forever in your corner, and I'm always rooting for you. Thank you.

If you loved this episode, you'll love my interview with Dr. Gabor Mate on understanding your trauma and how to heal emotional wounds to start moving on from the past. Everything in nature grows only where it's vulnerable, so a tree doesn't grow where it's hard and thick, does it? It grows where it's soft and green and vulnerable. Imagine you ask two people the same seven questions. I'm Mini Driver and this was the idea I set out to explore in my podcast, Mini Questions.

This year we bring a whole new group of guests to answer the same seven questions, including Courtney Cox, Rob Delaney, Liz Fair, and many, many more. Join me on season three of Mini Questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your favorite podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. The Black Effect presents Family Therapy, and I'm your host, Elia Conni. Jay is the woman in this dynamic who is currently co-parenting two young boys

with her former partner, David. David, he is a leader. He just don't wanna leave me. Well, how do you lead a woman? How do you lead in a relationship? Like, what's the blue part? David, you just asked the most important question. Listen to Family Therapy on the Black Effect Podcast Network,

iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey! It's me, Blippi, and this is my best friend, Mika! Hi! I'm Mika, and this is our brand new podcast, Blippi and Mika's Road Trip! The Blippi-mobile will take us to amazing places! And we'll meet new friends along the way! Listen to Blippi and Mika's Road Trip podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.