On Purpose with Jay Shetty - Why We Want to Fit In and 7 Ways to Stand Out With Real Confidence

Episode Date: August 30, 2019

Have you ever caught yourself trying to fit in? Maybe you’ve done it with a group of friends, in your workplace, at yoga class or in the gym. Fitting in was always something we were encouraged to do, whether it was wearing a uniform, playing the same sports as everyone else, and not showing our differences. Do you still notice and feel it today, to some degree? So how do we stand out with real confidence? Listen in to find out! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi, I'm Brendan Francis Neum, I'm a journalist, a wanderer, and a bit of a bond-vivant, but mostly a human just trying to figure out what it's all about. And not lost is my new podcast about all those things. It's a travel show where each week I go with a friend to a new place and to really understand it, I try to get invited to a local's house for dinner. Where kind of trying to get invited to a dinner party? It doesn't always work out. Ooh, I have to get back to you. Listen to not lost on the iHeart radio app or wherever you get your podcasts. What do a flirtatious gambling double agent in World War Two? An opera singer who

burned down an honorary to kidnap her lover. And a pirate queen who walked free with all of her spoils, haven't comment. They're all real women who were left out of your history books. You can hear these stories and more on the Womanica Podcast. Check it out on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen. Hi, I'm David Eagleman. I have a new podcast called Intercosmos on I Heart. I'm going to explore the relationship between our brains and our experiences by tackling unusual questions like, can we create new senses for humans? So join me weekly to uncover how your brain steers your behavior, your perception, and your reality.

Listen to Intercosmos with David Eagleman on the I Heart Radio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Are you really safe or secure if you don't feel like yourself? If you're fitting in and that's making you feel distance from yourself, is that true safety and security or is that weakness? Hey, everyone. Welcome back to on purpose. Thank you so much for being a listener and if you are a regular listener Make sure you subscribe and if you subscribe make sure you rate and review I genuinely appreciate all the love. It's been amazing to have so many messages

of what you're learning, how you're growing, and how the podcast has helped. Thank you so much for sharing those on Instagram, on Twitter, and on Facebook. I'm always looking out for ones that resonate and mean so much to me. And today's theme is going to truly, truly help. It's something that I've struggled with.

It's something that I know so many of us have been challenged by. And I want to ask you this question, have you ever caught yourself trying to fit in? Right? Maybe you've done it with a group of friends, maybe with people in your workplace, or maybe a yoga class or at the gym, how many times have you spotted yourself trying to fit in? Maybe it's fitting into a conversation, maybe it's fitting into a group, maybe it's fitting into a messenger group, maybe it's fitting into a online group conversation,

whatever it may be, how many times have you caught yourself trying to fit in? Now I remember the feeling from school. I never wanted to be picked last. You never want to be the odd one out. Fitting in was always something we were encouraged to do, whether it was wearing a uniform, whether it was playing the same sports as everyone else, and not necessarily sharing or showing our differences.

Right. If you think about it, when you were young, how much were you encouraged in the education space to actually share your unique skills or abilities and how much were you measured against everyone else? And it was always about fitting in. Or at least that's how I remember it. And I know a lot of people do as well. And how many of you remember the term peer pressure? If you have young children, then you definitely know this term. And if you remember being a teenager or a young child, you remember this term as well. But this is what I want to ask you today. Do you still notice and feel it today to some degree?

How much is peer pressure, not just a concept for children and teenagers, but how much is peer pressure, a concept a concept for children and teenagers, but how much is peer pressure, a concept that we deal with throughout our lives, we just become less aware of. We become less tuned into it because we start thinking at one point that we're making our own decisions, that we're doing what's right for us. But then we start thinking about our choices and our choices are a great place to look at. Did you choose to live where you live because you want to live there or was there some peer pressure involved? Do you buy things or do holidays for your reasons or other reasons? Our choices really show

what our motivations are and Our choices show whether we're trying to fit in or whether we're confident about who we are. Now, in a presentation by parent further that I read, it states that 90% of teenagers are influenced by peer pressure, and this is what's even more alarming about it. Listen to this, 28% said that giving into peer pressure pumped up their social status in the group. How many of us have experienced this before that we know that when we commit to peer pressure, when we give in to fitting in, it actually makes it more likable, it makes us more wanted, we get invited to more places.

And often when you're different or have different interests or have different skills, it somehow becomes more difficult, right? It's almost like your difference is a difficulty to actually build that relationship and to really fitting in. But the point is we all feel the pressure to fit in. It's like a survival technique and there's nothing necessarily wrong with it as well.

And it has some signs to it because we feel better when we belong when people agree with us When we are people around us that agree with our beliefs But often the desire to fit in can come at the cost of feeling like we can be our true selves How many times have you had that in your life? ourselves. How many times have you had that in your life, where you know that you're trading something to fit in, you're keeping your mouth closed to fit in, you're trying not to say anything that rocks the boat to fit in, right? And we feel it comes at the cost of being able to be open about our true values, our true beliefs and mindset. And it can start to affect our confidence because see here's the thing,

fitting in makes us feel comfortable. We're scared to stand out with confidence because actually fitting in makes us feel safe. It makes us feel secure. But listen to this carefully. Are you really safe or secure if you don't feel like yourself? If you're fitting in and that's making you feel

distance from yourself, is that true safety and security or is that weakness? Now, if fitting in works for you, that's awesome and I love that and there are plenty of places where I fit in naturally too. And there are places where I have to really reflect, am I happy about fitting in or am I giving up more to fit in? Now, psychology is also often referred to this

as something known as group think bias, or conformity bias. Now, if a group of people believe something is difficult or impossible, then we can adopt that mindset almost subconsciously. Now, it's not always bad to fit in, right? This is important for me to say, sometimes fitting in is great,

but not if we don't want to fit in, or if it doesn't feel natural. It's almost like trying on clothes. When you try some clothes on, and they fit perfectly, you feel great and happy. But when you force something to fit, you spend the whole day checking your reflection in the mirror, asking for validation, and trying to see if it actually looks right. See, when clothes don't fit, we just take it off and we won't wear it again. But it's not the same with groups, people, and situations. We keep trying it on, right?

If something didn't fit, no matter how much you loved it, let's say there's an item of clothing that you ordered it online and all of us do that, we ordered things online and then you have to send it all back and it's not the easiest process in the world. But if something doesn't fit, you may try and force it on for a day and retry it, but you're not going to keep doing that over and over and over again. If something doesn't fit, but with ourselves, we try and fit into situations and fit into

areas, even when we don't fit again and again and again. And the point here isn't to stand out for the sake of standing out. And I really wanna explain this because I think it's so important that what I'm talking about is not just standing out for the sake of standing out. I'm not talking about standing out

because it's so important to be different. I'm talking about the fact that we are different and have differences and our differences make us beautiful as well. And I don't want us to defend those or fight about them or artificially stand out, but we want to feel like we can be and represent ourselves. Right? We want to feel that we are not pressurized in certain scenarios, in certain situations, from being ourselves. Right? Where you feel you can't say certain things, where you feel you can't

share your beliefs. And I know we all experience this, whether it's at holiday times, whether it's during vacations, whether it's time with families, because the truth is there's as much joy in belonging as there is in unbelonging, right? There are days when you want someone to understand you and there are days where you realize you shouldn't expect others to understand you. So you don't want to fit in for the sake of it, but you don't want to stand out for the sake of it either. That's the point that we lost, we get lost either side. Sometimes we're like, oh, you know, I'm fitting in, but I don't want to, but then I'm trying to stand out and I don't know why either. So how do we stand out with real confidence? That's what I want to

help you with today. What are the seven ways to stand out with real confidence? And what does that truly mean and how do we demonstrate it? Not too long ago, in the heart of the Amazon rainforest, this explorer stumbled upon something that would change his life. I saw it and I saw, oh wow, this is a very unusual situation. It was cacao. The tree that gives us chocolate. But this cacao was unlike anything experts had seen.

Poor tasted. I've never wanted us to have a gun fight. I mean, you saw the stacks of cash in our office. Chocolate sort of forms this vortex. It sucks you in. It's like I can be the queen of wild chocolate. We're all lost. It was madness.

It was a game changer. People quit their jobs. They left their lives behind, so they could search for more of this stuff. I wanted to tell their stories, so I followed them deep into the jungle, and it wasn't always pretty. Basically, this like disgruntled guy

and his family surrounded the building arm with machetes. And we've heard all sorts of things, that you know somebody got shot over this. Sometimes I think, oh, all these for a damn bar of chocolate. Listen to obsessions while chocolate on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast.

I'm Yvonne Gloria. I'm Maite Gomez-Rajón. We're so excited to introduce you to our new podcast, Hungry For History! On every episode, we're exploring some of our favorite dishes, ingredients, beverages, from our Mexican culture. We'll share personal memories and family stories, decode culinary customs, and even provide a recipe or two for you to try at home.

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I need a shirt. Team flower, team core. Join us as we explore surprising and lesser known corners of Latinx culinary history and traditions. I mean, these are these legends, right? Apparently, this guy Juan Mendes, he was making these tacos wrapped in these huge tortillas to keep it warm, and he was transporting them in a burro, hence the name the burritos. Listen to Hungary for history with Ivalongoria and Mitegómez Rejón as part of the Michael

Tura podcast network available on the I Heart Radio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm David Eagleman. I have a new podcast called Inner Cosmos on I Heart. I'm a neuroscientist and an author at Stanford University, and I've spent my career exploring the three-pound universe in our heads. On my new podcast, I'm going to explore the relationship between our brains and our experiences by tackling unusual questions so we can better understand our lives and our realities Like does time really run in slow motion when you're in a car accident? Or can we create new senses for humans?

Or what does dreaming have to do with the rotation of the planet? So join me weekly to uncover how your brain Steers your behavior, your perception, and your reality. Listen to Intercosmos with David Eagelman on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. So, this is principle number one. I'd recommend that you take a screenshot right now of this time grab so that you can come back and take notes. If you're not already taking notes, there are seven key points that I'd love to direct you through. I want you to be able to practice and experiment with at least one of them.

So let's get going. The first one is everything we do will be judged, but we can't let that judgment stop us. If you fit in and go with the flow, people will call you a pushover and a follower. If we stand out and we do our own thing, people will call us a rebel and an attention seeker. The point is, anything we do will always be judged. If we live within the confines and prisons of judgment of our own or others, then we let that be our sentence for life. We have to recognize that people are going to have opinions no matter what we do, so we can't let those opinions decide what we do.

People are going to have opinions no matter what you do, so we can't let those opinions decide what we do. And so many of us get imprisoned by this fact. So real confidence means recognizing that whether you do whatever one says or whether you do what you want, either way you'll attract judgment, either way we attract criticism. I believe it was Aristotle that said that there is only one way to avoid criticism. Do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing, right? That's the only way. And even then, if you literally did nothing, said nothing, and be nothing,

people will also criticize and judge you then as well. So when you realize that you don't want to build your confidence off the fact of what people say or their opinions and how they respond, this is the first step to acting in real confidence. This is the first step to really finding yourself because you have to recognize you can't live for the opinions of others. The second is really a question that I'd love you to ask yourself, something to reflect on.

And this is a really important one. And the question is, why don't you feel you fit, right? Like, why do you feel you don't fit? And often we've not deeply reflected on why we don't fit. And the reason why I ask you to do this is I think it's really important to dissect our challenges, right? You don't want to just accept the first thing that comes to your mind. You just don't want to accept the first thing that you hear or are thinking about. You want to really dissect and go to the root of everything. So ask yourself, do you not fit in because of your physical and how you look?

Do you not fit in emotionally and how you feel? Do you not fit intellectually and how you think? Do you not fit in spiritually because of your values? So the question you want to ask yourself is, on what level do you not fit in? Right on what level do you not fit in? Right? Which level do you not fit in? Because guess what? It's hard to find one group of people that will fit and be parallel across all those areas and so it's important to recognize that we will fit in with a certain group for certain things. So what I mean by that is you're not going to find, it's very difficult at least, to find one group of people that align physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. Right? It's pretty impossible that that's going to happen. But you may have people in your life

that you align with physically. You may have people in your life that you align with spiritually. You may have people in your life that you align with emotionally. And it's so important to recognize and not expect and judge back that everyone has to be everything, and we can find people that actually nourish and nurture us in different areas. This gives us confidence to display the different parts of ourselves in different places, right? We may feel intellectually stimulated by a certain group and then emotionally cared for by another. We have to get to the root of what is really disturbing us and stop expecting it from the wrong places. And this is the reality of it, that we're not going

to fit in perfectly anywhere and therefore we have to become aware of where we do fit and we don't fit and which parts of us fit in different areas so that we can demonstrate that. So I'll give you an example. I may fit in physically and mentally when I'm playing sports with some of my friends. And that's what we bond over. We bond over performance and competition and all of that kind of stuff. But they may not be the friends that I bond with spiritually. And so I don't necessarily try and make that the energy that I'm bringing there, right? I make sure that I'm bringing the energy to different parts of my life.

And then of course, as your life goes on, you start to realize there are certain groups you want to spend more time with. And there are other ones that you don't. Our twenties are seen as this golden decade. Our time to be carefree, full in love, make mistakes, and decide what we want from our life. But what can psychology really teach us about this decade? I'm Gemma Speg, the host of the psychology of your 20s. Each week we take a deep dive into a unique aspect of our 20s from career anxiety, mental health, heartbreak, money, friendships, and much more to explore the science and the psychology behind our experiences, incredible guests, fascinating topics, important science, and a bit of my own personal experience.

Audrey, I honestly have no idea what's going on with my life. Join me as we explore what our 20s are really all about. From the good, the bad, and the ugly, and listen along as we uncover how everything is psychology, including our 20s. The psychology of your 20s hosted by me, Gemma Speg. Now streaming on the iHot Radio app, Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, it's Debbie Brown and my podcast deeply well is a soft place to land on your wellness journey. I hold conscious conversations with leaders and radical healers and wellness and mental health around topics that are meant to expand and support you on your journey. From guided meditations to deep conversations with some of the world's most gifted experts in self-care,

trauma, psychology, spirituality, astrology, and even intimacy. Here is where you'll pick up the tools to live as your highest self. Make better choices. Heal and have more joy. My work is rooted in advanced meditation, metaphysics, spiritual psychology, energy healing,

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How's that New Year's resolution coming along? You know, the one you made about paying off your pesky credit card debt and finally starting to save a retirement? Well, you're not alone if you haven't made progress yet, roughly four in five New Year's resolutions fail within the first month or two. But that doesn't have to be the case for you and your goals. Our podcast, How to Money can help. That's right, we're two best buds who've been at it for more than five years now, and

we want to see you achieve your money goals And it's our goal to provide the information and encouragement you need to do it We keep the show fresh by answering list our questions, interviewing experts, and Focusing on the relevant financial news that you need to know about our show is chalk full of the personal finance knowledge that you need with guidance Three times a week and we talk about debt payoff if let's say you've had a particularly spend thrift holiday season We also talk about building up your savings, intelligent investing, and growing your income, no matter where you are on your financial journey, how do money has got your back.

Millions of listeners have trusted us to help them achieve their financial goals. Ensure that your resolution turns into ongoing progress. Listen to how to money on the iHeartRadio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Now, number three, confidence comes from self-awareness. And we know this, we've heard this, but here's the truth about self-awareness. Self-awareness includes both your strengths and your weaknesses. Self-awareness is not just understanding your strengths and what you're good at. Self-awareness is understanding what you struggle with. Self-awareness is recognizing that even if you see it as something that it's a weakness, when you're aware of it, it's now no longer a weakness.

See, a weakness is something that weakens you. And what weakens you is something that you're not aware of, right? When you're not aware of something, something has the ability to surprise you. What is often known in the business world as unknown unknowns? And I believe a lot of this is mentioned by Donald Rumsfeld as well around looking at known unknowns. So that's things like we know there are some things we don't know, right? And known unknown is that you know there are things you don't know about. But then there are unknown unknowns. There are things that you don't even know about,

that you don't know anything about, right? And that surprises you. So self awareness is really getting closer to your strengths and weaknesses and trying to get things, or as many things as you can, to be aware of. So accepting our strengths and weaknesses is what gives us real confidence, right?

That's where real confidence comes from when you are aware of things that you don't know, when you're aware of what you need to learn, when you're aware of where you need to grow. Because now you know that, you can display that. And there's a beautiful statement by Confucius that says, the person who asks a question is a fool for a minute, the person who does not ask is a fool for a minute, the person who does not ask is a fool for life. And that's exactly where we've realized that self awareness allows us to ask questions with confidence so that we know we can learn and improve rather than pretending that we know the answer.

Right? We want to be in more scenarios in life where we don't need to hide our strengths and weaknesses. We've all been around people where you have to hide your weaknesses or you feel you have to hide your weaknesses because you're scared that you'll get judged for them. And that's really challenging actually in life when we're around people where we have to hide our weaknesses because we think we can only display our strengths and you might feel that way at work. And that's why it's so important to have work mentors or coaches, even outside the workplace where you can share those.

Because one thing we've done since we were young is we've just kind of buried our weaknesses, like we just buried them and we act like we're not there, which means we don't process them, we don't heal them, and we don't get a chance to actually work through them and potentially even develop them into really, really powerful strengths. Like we just avoid them, we don't look at them, we don't even give them a chance or an opportunity to transform. like we just avoid them, we don't look at them, we don't even give them a chance or an opportunity to transform. So we want to make sure that we're addressing those weaknesses,

we want to make sure we're giving ourselves a chance. But sometimes we're around people, where we have to hide our strengths, and that's even more worrying. Right, sometimes we're around people, where we have to hide our strengths. How many times have you been in a scenario and you're like, I can't actually share

what I've just achieved, or I can't share the good that's happening in my life, because that's going to unnerve certain people that I'm around. And so we really have to be careful about that as well, because we need to find places where we can demonstrate our successes, where we can share our achievements properly,

without ego, without arrogance, but about really looking at where we've come from and what we've got to and where we've kind of reached on how much hard work we've put in. We have to celebrate those things. So we have to be aware of not just the people where we have to hide our weaknesses, but also the people where we have to hide our strengths. Because as much as it's important to face our weaknesses, it's also important to celebrate our strengths. It's also important to celebrate our successes. It's also important to celebrate the growth that we're making. And that actually builds confidence. Knowing that you can celebrate your small wins, the small steps in the right direction,

all of those give you more to be confident about. And sometimes we don't feel confident because we're constantly shying away from our success and hiding it because we feel we're around people that we can't actually share them with and at the same time we don't build confidence because we're too busy ignoring our weaknesses and so we always feel like they're in our closet rather than actually putting them out there. A good example of this is in the eight mile movie. So if you look at eight mile, out there. A good example of this is in the eight mile movie. So if you look at eight mile, you know, you've got Eminem playing him almost like himself. And at the end of it, in the rap battle, instead of allowing the other person to talk about his weaknesses,

he talks about the weaknesses, he thinks the other opponent is going to talk about. And that way, he takes away their power. That's what we do when we work through our own weaknesses. When we work through our own weaknesses, we take away their power. Now point number four, you have to recognize that you have to understand your viewpoint and learn to articulate it effectively. A lot of the times we don't feel confident

is because we haven't taken the time to understand how to verbalize our beliefs, right? We think about them in our heads and they make sense, but when we talk about them, they don't make sense to us or the other person, and that's what we don't feel confident because we can't share what we believe in with focus, with attention, with poise.

And so one of the things I wanted to share with you is that in the Bhagavad Gita, it talks about the four austerities of speech. And sometimes the reason we don't feel confident, like I said, is that we have not thought about how to express ourselves properly. Or our ideas, our viewpoints have not been reflected on deeply. When we share how we feel using the four austerities of speech,

it means we focus on saying words that are these four things. Number one is truthful, number two is beneficial to all, number three is don't agitate the minds of others, and number four in the Bhagavad Gita is aligned with spiritual text, so it's aligned with a deeper philosophy. So it said that before you speak, you have to ask yourself,

the Bhagavad Gita talks about this, to say words that are truthful, say words that are beneficial to all, right? How can you say it in a way that it's beneficial to anyone who will listen? Number three, how do you say in a way that doesn't agitate the minds of others? So that doesn't mean that you won't agitate

the minds of others, or it doesn't mean that people won't react, but you've intentionally thought about that, you've tried your best to articulate it in that way. And so, one of the things we have to understand here is just that often a lot of our beliefs and thoughts are misunderstood by ourselves and others, and that's why we really have to think

through our belief system, right? We develop confidence by reflection and introspection. The more you reflect on an idea, the stronger it becomes. Just like the more you work a muscle, the stronger it becomes. Confidence is like a muscle. The way you reflect on an idea, the stronger it becomes. Just like the more you work a muscle, the stronger it becomes. Confidence is like a muscle. The way you strengthen confidence, the way you strengthen the muscle of confidence, is by introspecting on your values and beliefs.

The more you introspect on them, the more they build, the stronger they get. Right? So the thought you had at the beginning isn't the same as the thought at the end of a reflection, just like a muscle you have at the beginning isn't the muscle at the end, it builds, it expands, it extends, and we have to do the same with our mind and confidence. We have to let our confidence extend and expand continuously and not settle for the first thought we had.

Now, the fifth one, which is really important in our confidence, is making sure we don't judge others. Because if we're confident because of our judgment of others, then that's not confidence. That's just ego and arrogance and actually delusion. You don't build your tower off the back of someone else, right? You don't build your building off the back of someone else and breaking them down because when you build that kind of tower, when you judge others, that's not confidence. You feel confident from it, but actually it's not confident. It's just

a weakness. And so we have to make sure we don't judge others in that way to build our confidence on that judgment. So one of the ways to stand out with real confidence is to not judge and continue to work on ourselves. And that really builds a great mindset for success. Number six point is start living what you think. Confidence develops when you put your beliefs into practice. For example, if you have the belief that you can learn something in a month

and you act on that and you do it, your confidence grows. And again, you wanna be realistic with those, but things actually grow. Right? So if you set yourself a task and you say, I'm going to achieve this by the end of the day or by the end of the week or by the end of the month, again, when you do that, your confidence grows. So you want to start living your beliefs. You want to start putting things into practice and to action. When you put things into practice and to action, you see movement, you see changes, you see growth happening all around you. And finally, number seven, find people who

champion you and challenge you. So you want to find people who champion you and challenge you. You don't want to just be around people who say good things about you, you don't want to be around people. Just compliment you, challenge and champion you, right? Our confidence develops when we find incredible people who champion our work, who share our work, who talk about it, who encourage it, and then challenge us, people who force us to become better, that make us think deeper, that make us think bigger. So these are the seven ways to stand out with real confidence. The first one, everything we do will be judged. So don't let that judgment stop you. Number two, why don't you feel you fit? Figure that out and recognize that you will fit in in different

ways in different places. Number three, confidence comes from self-awareness, being aware of your strengths and your weaknesses. Number four, learn how to articulate yourself effectively so that you can actually have a good conversation about something and feel more confident when you can explain it. Number five, we have to make sure we don't judge others as well because then we're not building confidence, we're just building our own insecurities. Number six, start living what you think. Right, start putting it into practice. The more you test what you think, the more it is going to happen.

And number seven, find people who champion and challenge you. Thank you to everyone who's been listening today. I'm so grateful for all of you, for being a part of this community. Make sure you share this episode and the takeaway that has helped you the most. Remember, I'm going to the root of developing real confidence, not just focusing on different things

you can do here and there, but really focusing on the heart of it. Thank you so much for listening. Make sure you share this episode. I'll see you next week. Thank you so much for listening through to the end of that episode. I hope you're going to share this all across social media. Let people know that you're subscribed to on purpose. Let me know, post it, tell me what a difference it's making in your life. I would love to see your thoughts.

I can't wait for this incredibly conscious community we're creating of purposeful people. You're now a part of the tribe, a part of the squad. Thank you for being here. I can't wait to share the next episode with you. Our 20s often seen as this golden decade. Our time to be carefree, make mistakes, and figure out our lives. But what can psychology teach us about this time? I'm Gemma Speg, the host of the psychology of your 20s. Each week we take a deep dive into a unique aspect of our 20s, from

career anxiety, mental health, heartbreak, money and much more to explore the science behind our experiences. The psychology of your 20s hosted by me, Gemma Speg, listen now on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. Regardless of the progress you've made in life, I believe we could all benefit from wisdom on handling common problems, making life seem more manageable, now more than ever.

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