On Purpose with Jay Shetty - Why Your Relationship Checklist is Getting in Your Way & How to Stop Questioning if You are With the Right Person

Episode Date: July 26, 2024

What do you look for in a partner? What do you think makes a relationship interesting? Today, let's talk about the disparity between what people say they want in a partner — traits like kindness, empathy, and thoughtfulness — and what they often find themselves attracted to, which may be more superficial qualities like physical attractiveness. Jay references research from the Pew Research Center to highlight that 35% of men value physical attractiveness most in women, while 33% of women value honesty and morality most in men. He discusses how societal pressures and media influence shape these preferences and often lead people to prioritize the wrong traits, which can result in unsatisfying relationships. Additionally, Jay addresses the issues of men looking for nurturing qualities in women, sometimes in an unhealthy, maternal sense, and the pressure on men to achieve professional and financial success. He also touches on the societal expectations and challenges faced by successful women who feel they need to downplay their achievements to attract partners. In this episode, you'll learn: How to identify cover values in a partner How to balance attraction and values How to avoid common relationship pitfalls How to build a connection based on values How to foster a healthy relationship By focusing on qualities like kindness, empathy, and honesty, we can build deeper, more meaningful connections. True compatibility goes beyond physical attraction and societal expectations, it's rooted in shared values and mutual respect. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 02:26 What Is More Important to Us in a Partner? 04:44 #1: Physical Attractiveness 05:16 #2: Honesty and Morality 08:37 #3: Empathy, Nurturing, Kindness 15:30 #4: Professional, Financial Success 18:49 #5: Intelligence 23:06 Looking for Love in the Wrong PlacesSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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There's a lot of talk about mindfulness these days, which is fantastic. I mean, we all want to be more present and self-aware, more patient, less judgmental. We discuss all these themes on the podcast, but it's hard to actually be mindful in your day-to-day life. That's where calm comes in. I've been working with calm for a few years now with the goal of making mindfulness fun and easy. Calm has all sorts of content to help you build positive habits, shift

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that's c-a-l-m dot com forward slash j-a-y for 40% off calm your mind change your life We say we want those things but when we experience it in reality a lot of people will say oh they're so kind they're so sweet but they boring. And then the other person who's not kind and sweet, they're exhilarating. It's a really weird contrast in how we say we want someone who's kind, we want someone who's thoughtful, but then when we experience that in reality, it's not fun. There's no chemistry, there's no spark, right? And then we often go for the person who's not kind, not nurturing, not empathetic. What I'm getting at here is...

The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty. Hey, everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose. I'm your host, Jay Shetty. Thank you so much for turning up for yourself, for turning up to the On Purpose show.

I am so grateful that you are here with me right now. Now, if you're single and you're trying to figure out how to find your person, this episode is for you. If you're recently single and you're trying to figure out what's going wrong, what mistakes am I making? This episode is for you. And even if you're dating someone, even if you're married, but you're trying to figure out how to deepen your connection,

how to understand more, maybe you're even questioning whether you're with the right person. This episode is for you. I want to dive in to some really interesting research today. And the research comes from the Pew Research Center. And it talks about what men most value in women and what women most value in men. Now, I have to come clean with you to start off with. Last night, my wife, my brother-in-law and my sister-in-law made me watch my first ever episode of Love Island. I think it's season six of the USA version of the show. I'd never watched an episode before in my life. And again, today's episode is not inspired by that by any means, but it was just fascinating to me as to how after years and years

of research, technological advancement and everything else, and even just seeing what works and what doesn't work, what we focus on about other people is so limited and so limiting. And it led me to go down this rabbit hole when I was thinking about this episode today and researching for the episode and asking myself, what is it that we say is most important to us in a potential partner? But then how do we get carried away with what we're attracted to? Right? Let me say that again.

What is the difference between what we say is important to us in a partner and then how do we get carried away with what we get attracted to? And I think what I was originally thinking about was this idea that we almost know what's good for us, but we want what's bad for us. Right, we know what's good for us, we want what's bad for us. Right? We know what's good for us but we'll ignore all of that if there's something attractive, if there's something shiny, if there's something exciting, if there's something invigorating, we're willing to give up all of our good common sense. Now, let's actually look at the research. This was what traits or characteristics do you think people in our society are most attracted to?

So what do you think men value most in women? Number one thing that came out. What do you think it is? It was 35% said physical attractiveness is the most important thing they value in a woman. I'm not surprised by that. And I think you hear that a lot. You see that a lot. I think that has led to so many challenges in our society where there's so much pressure on appearance. There's so many enhancements of appearance like it all becomes about that. Now when women were asked what they most value in men, what do you think that was? 33% said honesty and morality. Now that's a really interesting one

because I think you end up watching videos on TikTok and on social media and you see everyone talking about how the height is the most important thing. The back balance is the most important thing which we'll get to in a second. We're talking about who's paying on the first date. It's really interesting what cultural conversations spiral online versus what we say in a questionnaire. And I feel like there's a disconnect there. I think what's really interesting to me is you could go down this list and have someone tick a lot of it and then find them, not that you find them

unattractive, but they don't tick this really artificial box. Like someone's height doesn't define the quality of your relationship. It just doesn't define the quality of your relationship. It just doesn't. It's almost like saying I will drink a bottle of water because it's taller than the other bottle but they both have the same amount of water in it. If you have two bottles and they both have 500 milliliters of water in it but one's taller, one's shorter, you choose the taller one

but it doesn't change your experience of the water. It doesn't change your experience of drinking. It doesn't change the quality of the water within. And I think for so many of us who have been burned in relationships, who constantly feel that we're going after the wrong thing, how many of you can relate to that? Where you keep saying, Jay, you know what? I just keep picking the wrong person.

I keep tripping myself up. I know I keep making mistakes. It's because we're focusing on the taller bottle of water. So I wanna ask you, what is your tall bottle of water? What is that trip up for you? What is that thing that keeps, like Muhammad Ali said, the pebble in your shoe, right? What is that? That keeps giving you that discomfort that keeps tripping you up, that keeps making you make the wrong decision. Because we say one thing, but then we follow

the other. I'm not saying that physical attractiveness is not important. I think you should be attracted to your person. But I think sometimes we create artificial, superficial, very limited and limiting criteria that doesn't really allow us to find love. And I think a lot of that criteria comes from what we were trained and conditioned to believe was attractive when we were younger. Right? When we were younger, we saw certain things on the front cover of magazines. We saw certain body types in movies and TV shows. We saw certain, certain colors of skin that were exposed to through media.

And we built up desires. We built up ideas and visions of what a person should be. we built up ideas and visions of what a person should be. But I think so often we're looking at criteria that doesn't impact the quality of the experience. Which is bizarre. There's so many things in life where you would never assess it purely based on a superficial metric that doesn't change the experience of the product. Right? Now number two of what men most value in women.

30% said empathy, nurturing, kindness. Now there's one thing I want to talk about because I see this a lot. I see this with friends. When a lot of men say nurturing, they often want a mom in their partner. I'm just going to put it out there. I had to say it because I think so many individuals struggle with growing up. And I think there's a lot of talk about women and daddy issues, but there's not a lot of talk about men and mommy issues. And it's this idea of I want someone who is nurturing, but in a very maternal way. Like I want them to take care of me.

I want them to take care of the house. I want them to do what my mom did. I want them to cook. I want them to, and it's not just the gender roles, but there's this false expectation. And I think what's really interesting about that is a lot of people being naturally nurturing, naturally empathetic, naturally kind, kind of see it as beautiful because it's a way of being needed. It's a way of being wanted. It's a way of being useful.

But I think we have to really look at that in what we desire and what the other person is willing to deliver on. And again, I go back to it. Do we want a partner who's equal and excited and curious or are we really looking for someone to take care of us? Because if we're looking for someone to take care of us, it ends up leading to the relationship we don't want. We then say, oh, well, they adventurous. Oh well they're not interesting. Oh well they're not passionate. And it's like, well yeah, because they're mothering or fathering you. Right, if your partner is now your parent,

you're not going to find them attractive after a while. You're not going to find them interesting after a while. You're going to find that they're annoying you, that they're on your case, that they're holding you accountable. All the things that you potentially are challenged by or resent in your parents, you now project that onto your partner. So when we say things like I want someone to be empathetic, nurturing, kind, let's really look at what we mean by that. And I actually think here's the thing, we say we want those things, but when we experience it in reality, a lot of people will say, oh, they're so kind, they're

so sweet, but they're boring, right? And then the other person who's not kind and sweet, they're exhilarating. It's a really weird contrast in how we say we want someone who's kind, we want someone who's thoughtful, but then when we experience that in reality, it's not fun, there's no chemistry, there's no spark, right? And then we often go for the person who's not kind, not nurturing, not empathetic.

What I'm getting at here is we know we want people of high character and high value. We want someone who has deep values. We want someone who has values like honesty, kindness, morality, nurturing, both in men and women. We've seen honesty and morality top one for women wanting in men and empathy, nurturing, kindness, number two in women. You've got all these deep values that are right up there in what we want.

But we're so easily shifted away from our values. So you ask me, Jay, why is that? Why is it that I know what's good for me, but I choose what's bad for me? How many of you can relate to that? Jay, I know what's right for me, but why do I always choose what's wrong for me? It's interesting, isn't it? It's a trick of the mind. The mind has the ability to trick you.

You know what's good for you, but you still choose what's bad for you. You know what's right for you, but you will choose what's wrong for you. This happens because we become clouded, our vision becomes blurred and ultimately love is blind. We get blinded by the chemicals of the spark and of attraction and of lust that literally blur our vision so that we now no longer see the unfavorable elements of that individual. This is true for the chemicals released during and after sex.

This is true for when we first feel that chemical attraction to someone. We're actually emotionally vision impaired to notice the things about someone that actually matter. And I've partnered up with Match, which I'm really excited about as their relationship advisor, because what I found is that dating apps are not the problem. The challenge is of what we're focused on and what we're looking at. If we don't understand our values and we don't understand the other person's values and they don't understand theirs and ours, it doesn't matter how many other boxes we tick. If you're truly in this for a successful relationship, if you're truly in this for a real deep partnership,

I promise you the artificial superficial things are not going to be the ones that make a difference. Your values are your knowledge, awareness, acceptance and respect for someone's values are. So I want you to head over to match.com forward slash J if you want to match people through value systems, through a deeper value connection. Again I'm not saying I want you to be attracted to the person, I want you to think they're fun, I want you to be excited, but I want us to pivot and shift our mindset on for a moment, deprioritizing the things that society, media, parents and friends have told us to overvalue and shift more emphasis onto the things we've been made to undervalue, like

honesty, kindness, connection, empathy, these deep values that are so critical to the success of a relationship. And we do this with everything. There'll be debates constantly between iPhone and Android users. People saying like, oh well, Android is more customizable, iPhone's more the slickness. And again, we follow brand. And it's true, right? Like Android does have and Samsung phones do have more functionality, but we choose something that we think has a certain brand or whatever it may be. And it's interesting how when you start doing that in love, it has far bigger ramifications

than with technology. Right? The Therapy for Black Girls podcast is an NAACP and Webby award-winning podcast dedicated to all things mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. Here we have the conversations that help black women decipher how their past informed who they are today and use that information to decide who they want today and use that information

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you a daily dose of joy. I'm Danielle Robay. And I'm Simone Boyce. Listen, both Danielle and I are reporters. We've covered the news and we know the world can feel heavy. But the Bright Side podcast is a space to have a little fun, to learn something new and get into some friendly debates. That's right. Join us five days a week to see how life can look from the Bright Side. We'll hear from celebrities, authors, experts,

and listeners like you. Whether it's relationships, friend advice, or figuring out how to navigate life's transitions, we'll talk through it all together. Listen to The Bright Side from Hello Sunshine every weekday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Number two of what women want in men, 23% said professional financial success. And I want to call out this has caused a lot of stress and pressure for a lot of friends, a lot of good men, because I think we're again living in a society where people are exposed to a world online of fast cars, jewelry, you've got their high flying life and it can become quite intimidating and quite challenging for people to think

they have to live up to that. And I know a lot of good, hardworking, honest men that are trying their best, that are passionate about what they do, that care about what they do, but they're being undervalued. And I always like sharing this because to me it makes a huge difference. When I met Radhi, materially I didn't have anything. And Radhi chose to be with me at a time when I was still trying to pay off my student debt and I didn't even have a job. And I don't even thought she knew if I would ever get anywhere externally to a certain level.

But I think the point was I had someone who believed in me and saw that I wanted to grow. And I think I want to point that out here, which comes third for women, which is 19% ambition and leadership, women wanting in men, is that I truly believe that ambition is something that is better to look for than already achieved financial success.

Someone who already has financial success may want to pivot. They may even want to quit their job to try something. By the way, someone else who hasn't made it, especially when you met someone young, they need to have time. And if that person feels pressure rather than belief, chances are they'll buckle. Now, the other thing I'd like to point out is whether you're a man or woman, these are all themes that I think are across the board. For me, if you're looking for someone who's ambitious, you've also got to understand from a value point of view, what that trade is.

So if you want someone ambitious, chances are they won't be available all the time, right? You can't have someone ambitious and available. It doesn't work that way. And I think a lot of us will want someone who's ambitious, but then we'll say, why are they not available? Right. We'll say, we want someone who's successful, but then we're saying, well,

why are they not, why are they not messaging me? Why are they not available this weekend? Why are they not up for hanging out? And it's like, well, they're not living spontaneous. They're living structured. So we also have to understand the value that we want in someone. How does that value show up in reality? I think we almost have these very one-dimensional views of values, right?

Our one-dimensional view of ambition is, oh, someone who has goals, someone who has dreams, but then we want them to have dreams, but then we want them to never work on their dreams because we want them to be around, right? It doesn't add up. And I think we can have these very limited and limiting views of what a true goal looks like. Now, the third thing that men look for a woman, 22% said intelligence. And again, by the way, I am calling out all sides of it because it's, it's so interesting to me, I have a lot of incredibly successful female friends who are doing amazing entrepreneurs, building incredible companies, doing phenomenal

stuff, and they actually feel like their intelligence is intimidating. They feel like their ambition is intimidating. They feel like their ambition is intimidating. And a lot of them feel like they have to kind of lower themselves or lower their standards or make themselves feel less smart, less thoughtful, less, you know, less accomplished in order to attract someone. Let me say this. Your partner who cares about you, who values you, will admire your success.

Now I think there's a difference also between admiring and being a fan. And I think admiration is healthier than fandom. I think if someone's a big fan of yours, it's hard to be a partner. And sometimes we say, oh my partner's my number one fan, I want to be their number fan. I mean hard to be a partner. And sometimes we say, oh, my partner is my number one fan. I want to be their number fan. I mean, to be honest, I'd probably even say I'm Rathi's number one fan.

And maybe I should take back my statement now because I'm like, yeah, I am Rathi's number one fan. What am I talking about? But I think the idea that there's an admiration for what you do and there's a respect for what you do, but you have to have that back for them, whatever they decide to be or whatever they decide to do. And so if you are someone who feels like your success intimidates people or your success, you know, makes people feel uncomfortable, chances are you're just speaking to the wrong people because you shouldn't have to play down your success. I know someone who constantly started to play down their success whenever they were around someone to date them.

They complained about their life. They dated all those things and then someone left them because they said they were too negative. Now this person wasn't negative at all. So just imagine that for a second. You're a positive high functioning high performer. Then in order to make yourself more relatable, you start talking about your bad experiences and what's going wrong. And then that person leaves you not because you're intimidating, but because they see you as uninteresting and complaining and negative. And so I think you don't want to become someone you're not.

And there's this beautiful quote that I read from Arlen was here the other day on Twitter and it said, be yourself so that the people looking for you can find you. And I think that's what that patience needs to be. That I don't have to make myself smaller in order to have a big experience of love. I don't have to make myself less significant in order to find a significant other. Let me say that again. You don't have to make yourself less significant to find a significant other because a significant other will recognize your significance and celebrate it. Now I want to go down this list for you so you know.

So what women value most in men, 19% said strength and toughness, 18% said hard work, good work ethic, 11% said physical attractiveness, 11% said empathy, nurturing, kindness, 9% said loyalty, dependability, 8% said intelligence, 5% said being family oriented, and 5% said politeness, respectfulness. Notice how a relationship is made up of loyalty, politeness, respectfulness, but those only make up 14% of respondents. 14% versus strength and toughness at 19%. And by the way, I think we all look at people and we're like, how can you think that? But we all, this trick is played on all of us. We all fall for it. And so I want us to be really careful when you're next meeting

someone, don't write them off because they're boring and they're polite and respectful because there's a part of us that gets excitement and it's the tension and the stress that feels positive in the beginning when you're playing guessing games and you're checking in and I've talked about this example before this idea of there's stress and excitement when someone's playing hard to get. There's the excitement of, I got their number. The stress is, what should I message them? The excitement is, oh, I just messaged them. The stress is, when will they message back? The excitement is, I'm so excited we're going out on a date.

The stress is, ooh, they were hot and cold. And that creates positive tension in the beginning. But really, it's not what we're looking for. It's exhausting. And what this study says, men are looking for in women, 9% said hard work, 8% said professional financial success, 7% said loyalty dependability, 7% said competence ability, 6% said independence and self-reliance, 5% said strength and toughness, 5% said competence ability, 6% said independence and self-reliance, 5% said strength and toughness, 5% said politeness, respectfulness, and 5% said ability to multitask.

What I'm realizing is we're looking for love in all the wrong places. And usually we think of wrong places as, oh, am I in the right bar? Am I in the right restaurant? Am I on the right app? Am I in the right restaurant? Am I on the right app? Right? That kind of thing. And what I'm saying is actually we're looking for it in the wrong places because we're looking at criteria that doesn't define the quality of a relationship. Right? For example, if you want to know whether a movie is good or not, you look on Rotten Tomatoes or IMDB. If you want to know whether a car insurance or something is good, you'll ask a friend or family member

what they use. You go to the specific criteria to measure something, but you wouldn't say, oh, I want to know if a movie is good. I'm going to look at the height of the actors and the cast. Right? Literally you wouldn't, you wouldn't do that because it doesn't impact the quality of the movie. That is literally how ridiculous it is to say, I'm going to look at this person's height.

Now I keep picking on the height thing because it was big on that episode of Love Island yesterday, but, and I'm not mad at that. I'm not, again, like I, I get it. We're attracted to certain things, But I want you to really understand the correlation between what you're attracted to in a healthy relationship. Like that element, that criteria is not going to change the quality of your relationship. It's not going to change the experience

of your relationship. Now, I really want you to go check out match.com forward slash J to understand your values, select your values and be matched with people based on your values. Because I think that, like I said, so many of us forget our values very quickly. And I think that's because they've been talked about in this very theoretical way. It's kind of like an idea that we have. We've never seen them. We don't put them at the center of connection. We kind of put all the other stuff of like personality and attractiveness above it when values are truly what it's about in a long term relationship. And so I would

love for you to go and become more familiarized. And so I would love for you to go and become more familiarized with values. I'd love for you to check out my book, Eight Rules of Love, which focuses deeply on understanding someone's values and them understanding yours as being the core and central part of a healthy relationship. And I want to thank you all again for listening today, for connecting here.

I really hope this episode helps you. I hope it serves and supports you. And I can't wait for you to listen to more episodes on purpose. Share this with a friend, pass it along. Thank you so much for listening. I'm always in your corner and I'm forever rooting for you. Hey, everyone. If you love that conversation, go and check out my episode with the world's leading therapist, Laurie Gottlieb, where she answers the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak and dating.

If you're trying to figure out that space right now, you won't want to miss this conversation. If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems. Just hold hands as you're having the conversation. It's so lovely. Bring a little optimism into your life with The Bright Side, a new kind of daily podcast from Hello Sunshine.

Hosted by me, Danielle Robay. And me, Simone Boyce. Every weekday, we're bringing you conversations about culture, the latest trends, inspiration, and so much more. I am so excited about this podcast, The Bright Side. You guys are giving people a chance to shine a light on their lives, shine a light on a little advice that they want to share. Listen to The Bright Side on America's number one podcast network, iHeart. Open your free iHeart app and search The Bright Side.

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