On Purpose with Jay Shetty - You Are Not Responsible For Other People’s Feelings (How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt)
Episode Date: April 25, 2025When was the last time you actually put yourself first, no matter what anyone else thought? Have you ever felt a wave of guilt just for trying to set boundaries and protect your peace? Today, Jay dive...s into a powerful idea: letting go of the responsibilities that were never really yours to begin with. So many of us carry the weight of other people’s expectations, emotions, and opinions — and it leaves us feeling stuck, overwhelmed, and disconnected from ourselves. Jay unpacks how we often take on things like managing how others feel or trying to live up to impossible standards, and how doing that can block us from real freedom, creativity, and growth. Throughout the episode, Jay reinforces the message that boundaries are not selfish but necessary for healthy relationships and self-respect. He reminds us that our worth isn’t something we have to earn by meeting expectations or chasing approval. When we stop trying to control things that aren’t really ours to manage, life feels lighter, more real, and full of possibility. In this episode, you'll learn: How to Stop Absorbing Other People’s Emotions How to Let Go of Unrealistic Expectations How to Support Others Without Fixing Their Problems How to Maintain Your Own Emotional Balance How to Prioritize Your Well-Being Over Pleasing Others Remember, life becomes lighter when you let go of what was never yours to carry. No matter what challenges you face, trust that you are enough just as you are, and you have the strength to live authentically. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here. Join Jay for his first ever, On Purpose Live Tour! Tickets are on sale now. Hope to see you there! What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 00:47 Stop Carrying What’s Not Yours to Fix 02:34 #1: You’re Not Responsible for Other People’s Feelings 07:33 #2: You’re Not Responsible for How Other People See You 15:05 #3: You’re Not Responsible for Fixing Other People’s Problems 19:38 #4: You’re Not Responsible for Meeting Others’ Expectations 24:35 #5: You’re Not Responsible for How Other People Treat YouSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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You're not responsible for someone's insecurity.
You can't fix what's broken inside them
That's their work to do
You're not responsible for their unrealistic expectations
You decide your limits not their impossible standards
You're not responsible for their misplaced anger
Their reaction isn't your fault.
Don't hold on to guilt that isn't yours.
The number one health and wellness podcast.
Jay Shetty.
Jay Shetty.
The one, the only Jay Shetty.
Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the place you come to listen, learn and grow. I'm your host Jay Shetty and today we're talking about
the things you're not responsible for. I don't know about you but I feel like we
all carry and feel responsible for more than we can hold.
Sometimes the weight feels so heavy and we're trying to carry our parents
expectations, we're trying to carry our parents expectations.
We're trying to carry the responsibilities that we have on a day to day basis.
We're trying to carry people's emotions and feelings and pain and it could often feel
like it's just weighing so heavy.
And at the end of trying to carry all of this, you just feel like falling and breaking down. I'm sure you felt the same way where you feel like the weight you're
carrying is getting heavier every single year and the weight of people's
expectations opinions obligations whatever it may be never ever stops. In fact it just continues to grow and accelerate as time
goes on. As you listen to this episode today I want it to be freeing. I want you
to feel lighter. I want you to feel liberated. As you listen to this episode I
want you to feel like you can actually move and think and have space to create.
Because what we don't realize is when we feel responsible for things that we don't need to be responsible for, we are blocked.
Our creativity is blocked.
Our passions are blocked.
Our time is blocked.
Our passions are blocked. Our time is blocked. So much of our intuition is blocked because we're making space and room for everything else. So the first thing that I want to talk about, the first thing you're not responsible for is other people's feelings. You can respect them, but their emotional reactions aren't
yours to carry or fix. You can be kind to people, but people will still feel hurt. You
can be present with people, but they can still feel distant. You can be thoughtful, but people will still feel unheard.
You are not responsible for other people's feelings.
I remember being that person where I would overanalyze every text,
every email, every message,
every interaction to say things perfectly.
To say things in a way that there would be no opportunity for misinterpretation or fallout.
And guess what? People were still upset.
People were still hurt.
Not because I wanted them to be hurt. If anything I was trying to avoid that. But I found that I'm not responsible for other people's feelings.
If someone wants to be hurt, they'll be hurt no matter what you say. If someone
wants to be mad at you, they'll be mad at you no matter what you say. If someone
wants to feel upset with you, they'll feel upset with you no matter what you say. If someone wants to feel upset with you, they'll
feel upset with you no matter what you say or do. If someone has made their
mind up about how they feel about you, there is nothing you can do to fix it.
You can be kind, you can be respectful, you can try, but you can't be responsible for their feelings.
Because why? If you're responsible for their feelings, your time, your energy starts to follow theirs.
If they're in a good mood, you're in a good mood. If they're in a bad mood, you're in a bad mood.
If they're high energy, you're high energy. If they're low energy, you're low energy.
If they're high energy, you're high energy. If they're low energy, you're low energy.
Constantly, we feel our highs and lows
are mirroring the highs and lows
of the person we're tied to.
Often the hardest people to do this with is our parents.
We feel responsible for our parents' feelings.
So when your parents going through something
really, really difficult,
maybe they're going through a transition,
maybe they're going through a shift or a change.
And all of a sudden,
not only are you constantly thinking about their feelings,
you feel responsible for them.
You feel it's your job to make today a great day for them.
You try and change everything, you change your whole routine,
you call them first thing in the everything, you change your whole routine, you call them
first thing in the morning, you put aside other tasks and by the way this is all well
intentioned and it's a beautiful act of love. But what we don't realize is we haven't helped
them develop the emotional skills and tools they need. You're trying to be a mood shifter,
a mood changer for that person
rather than putting the control in their hand.
It's almost like saying,
hey, I'll decide what to watch tonight.
Hey, I'll decide what to order tonight.
And sure, it can be great to create that space
in the short term,
but long term, the goal is to equip that person
with the ability to make choices about their own feelings.
Trust me when I say this,
this is not about being hard-hearted,
it's not about not caring,
it's not about not loving someone you really, really love,
it's about recognizing that real love
is helping someone learn how to
choose their feelings and emotions. You're not helping someone if you're
debilitating them. You're not helping someone if they're dependent on you to
feel good. If someone's dependent on you to feel good, you have not helped them, you've stalled them.
Think about that for a second.
If someone is dependent on you to feel happy,
you have not helped them, you've actually hurt them.
Because that means when you're not available,
when you're not accessible, when you're not capable,
when you don't have time or space, that person
can't find that joy. I'm sure that's not what you want for them. So we don't want
to feel responsible for other people's feelings. We want to feel connected in
helping them, supporting them, being there for them, but not responsible. Because when
you're responsible for it, you then take it into your own life and start to carry
it. The second thing you're not responsible for is how people perceive
you. You can say everything right and people will still think you're wrong.
You can speak the truth and people will still think you're lying.
You can try to explain yourself and people will still misunderstand you.
You are not responsible for how people perceive you.
They might base it off a first impression.
Something someone else said, something they heard.
If someone chooses to perceive you based on another person's opinion of you,
that means they don't want to get to know you.
Let me say that again.
If someone bases their perception of you based on how another person perceives you, they
don't actually want to get to know you.
If someone told you that someone else was lazy, disorganized, and you take their word
for it, it means you don't want to make the time or the energy to actually get to know that person.
Because chances are if you did get to know them, you might realize that just like all of us, they're lazy in some ways, but they're organized in other ways.
So if we're using people as our shortcuts to learn about people, then guess what?
We don't wanna deeply get to know that person.
So you're not responsible for how people perceive you
because people will perceive you through all sorts of ways.
Think about this for a second.
What's the one word someone would use to describe you
if they saw you but didn't speak to you.
Second question, how would someone describe you in one word if they spoke to you for a few minutes?
Now imagine if someone spoke to you for a few hours. I'm guessing there's a big difference
in how someone perceives you
when they see you and don't speak to you,
when they speak to you for a few minutes,
and when they speak to you for a few hours.
That's definitely true for me, right?
I feel like if someone saw me,
they may have a certain perception.
If someone spoke to me for a few minutes,
they'll have another perception.
And if someone spent hours or months or years with me they'll have a different perception. How
can you possibly be responsible for how people perceive you when the way people
see you is the way they see the world. The way people see you is how they often look at themselves.
The way people see you is how they've felt seen
or unseen in the past.
The way people see you is based on someone else they met
that was kind of like you.
There are so many touch points as to how someone
deciphers and decides how they perceive
you. You could try and be really nice and someone will say they're trying too
hard. You could be a little standoffish and people say oh they're really distant
and absent. You could try and be really interested and curious and people will
say they ask too many questions. You could be a little more introverted and people say oh they suck
the energy out of the room how people perceive your silence is different some
people perceive it as a strength as a power some people perceive it as a power. Some people perceive it as a weakness.
I really understood this when I lived in the monastery
and we were exposed to this idea of humility
and humility was seen as the number one quality
that humans could aspire for.
But today when people demonstrate humility,
people often think of it as low self-esteem people often think of it as low self-esteem
or they think of it as low self-worth.
They don't value it, they value someone
who's got a bit of swag, who's got a bit of confidence.
But for the monks, humility is the greatest sign
of confidence, the ability to accept
what you know and what you don't know.
To be honest about your strengths and your weaknesses.
To be clear about what you're good at
and what you're bad at, that's reality.
But today we reward people who feel confident all the time.
People who look like they have it all together.
Perception is also different all across the world.
And how we receive people's praise
and perception
is fascinating.
I remember looking at a case study
of the performance company Cirque du Soleil.
You might've even heard of them
or you might've even been to see a show.
In some parts of the world,
when the acrobats would jump through a hoop,
triple flip backwards, land on their feet,
fall through a hoop of fire, the audience would go crazy. The audience would be
applauding, praising, shouting, screaming, losing it. And the acrobats would feel
acknowledged and seen. And in some other cultures around the world, the acrobats would finish a show
and feel like they flopped. They'd feel like they failed. Why? Because the audience didn't clap as
loud. The audience didn't shout as loud. The audience didn't scream as loud. But here's the fascinating thing about that. When Cirque
du Soleil, when it did some studies on this, they realized certain cultures don't
show their emotions and their praise as expressively. Someone could be clapping
like this and feel the same level of excitement as someone who's on their seat jumping and
shouting.
They actually had to train the acrobats to realize that different cultures express appreciation
differently.
Some cultures have the ability to be so expressive, to be so emphatic, to be so verbally congratulatory
that they'd feel it.
But they had to give the same performance
when the audience didn't respond that way.
This is one of the challenges about how people perceive us.
If you feel responsible for how people perceive you,
you will always be performing.
You will always be on a stage.
You will never feel you can take the mask off. You will feel like every word
you say and every act and every thought and every behavior is under scrutiny. This
is known as the spotlight effect where you feel that your whole life is constantly being analyzed.
So before someone else can analyze you, you analyze yourself.
You filter yourself, you edit yourself, you overthink yourself, and now guess what?
You get more and more distant from the person you are.
You're not responsible for how other people perceive you.
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The third thing you're not responsible for is fixing people's problems.
You can offer support, but you can't solve it.
You can be patient, but you can't take away their pain.
You can be helpful, but you can't fix.
The number one reason most of us want
to fix other people's problems
is to make ourselves feel better.
It's the harsh truth, but we all know it's real.
I feel that way as well.
I spent years trying to solve and fix people's problems.
I cared for them, I loved them, I didn't want them to feel pain.
What did I actually do?
I stole their ability to solve their own problems. I took away their independence and strength
to deal with what they were going through.
I thought it was either or.
Either I'm on the sidelines
or I'm fully deep in there trying to save them.
Not realizing that it required a bit from them.
It required them to find themselves. Now this doesn't mean I need to bit from them. It required them to find themselves.
Now this doesn't mean I need to hide from them,
it didn't mean I need to distance myself from them.
It means I need to understand the difference
between support and solution.
We need to understand the difference
between focusing your energy and trying to fix.
When you get lost trying to fix someone else's problems,
you're rattling off all these solutions,
all these multiple steps they can take,
and maybe they'll be lucky if they can take it.
What we don't get too often is the root
of why they can't solve it.
You could give someone all the best solutions in the world and they could still make no shift because what's blocking them is their own
belief in themselves. What's blocking them is them worrying about what people
think. What's blocking them is them worrying about how they're gonna be seen,
how they're gonna be looked at. I was talking to a friend the other day
and it dawned on me how many people are scared
to put up a post or a video or a piece of content
because they're worried about what their friends will think.
You can fix their problem by solving it,
sending them all the videos, giving them advice,
whatever it may be, but that's the root of their issue.
You may have a family member who wants to be healthier
and you're sending them everything.
Here's the article, here's the podcast,
here's the blog, here's the everything.
And that person just feels overwhelmed by the information
because what they need to do is take one step,
not catch up with you.
I was saying this to a friend this morning on a walk.
We were talking about why it often feels like it takes people around us so long to understand
us.
And I was sharing this analogy with him.
I said to him, it's like when you've just finished watching season four of an amazing
show and you're telling all your friends, hey, you need to watch this season four of an amazing show.
And you're telling all your friends,
hey, you need to watch this show, it's amazing,
I love it, it's incredible.
And now they've got to spend all that time catching up.
So you're at season four, you've finished it,
and they're at season one.
And not everyone is gonna go on that journey with you.
So you're not responsible to fix everyone's problems,
you can only tell them what could work,
but you can't fix it.
That person has to watch the show, right?
That person has to make the time.
The person has to commit to all the episodes of the show,
and that's entertainment, let alone growth.
So I can't fix it.
I can't solve it for you.
You have to put in work.
And often we'll sit there and we'll just be sitting there
going, how do I fix this?
What do I do?
What can I say?
What can I do?
What is the perfect thing I can say?
I used to have a client who used to say that to me
all the time.
He'd say, Jay, you always say the perfect thing.
Can you teach me how to always say the perfect thing?
And I remember saying to him, I said, first of all,
I don't always say the perfect thing.
And if I do it's because I'm present, it's not because I'm trying to say the perfect thing.
You don't say the right thing because you're trying to say the right thing.
You say the right thing because you're so conscious, aligned and present in that moment
that you can truly resonate with that person.
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and listen to Sighing Stuff on the iHeart video app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Number four, you are not responsible for living up to others' expectations.
Because guess what?
You never will.
Even if you try to live up to other people's expectations, you never will. Even if you try to live up to other people's expectations, you never will. You
will let people down. Even if you try your hardest not to, they'll be disappointed, they'll
be disheartened, even if you try your best. Because the truth is, we can't read anyone's mind
and no one can read ours.
It's not possible for me
to check off every box of the expectation you have.
How many of you have ever tried to plan
something for a family member or a friend?
Maybe it's a surprise birthday.
Maybe it's getting a gift.
Maybe it's a vacation or a getaway.
And maybe you tried to plan it meticulously.
But there was something along the way that person said,
oh, that flight was too long.
Or the hotel bed wasn't comfortable.
Or, you know, like I like that music,
but it's not my favorite type.
Or, you know, I don't really love chocolate cake.
You know, whatever it is,
like you couldn't possibly know everyone's preference.
And we feel very responsible
to live up to other people's expectations.
Some people expect you to get a certain job,
so you chase it your whole life,
only to realize it's not the job you want.
Some people want you to find a certain partner.
So you chase a particular type of partner only to realize you have nothing in common with them.
Some people in your life will expect you to have children and
you may have children because of that expectation only to realize you weren't ready to be a parent.
When you pursue and chase things that other people expect of you, even if you get them, they won't be happy and neither will you.
How can you be happy chasing someone else's priority?
How could you ever be joyful chasing someone else's life?
So don't feel responsible for other people's expectations because those are the expectations they often had of themselves.
Sometimes it's not even that they want you to have a good career.
They want to be friends with someone who has a good career.
They want to be able to tell their friends that you're having a child,
that you're getting married, whatever it may be.
I remember not going to my graduation ceremony.
I graduated, but I didn't go to the event where you get the scroll and you
wear the hat and all the rest of it.
And my mom never got that picture.
And I remember my mom would say to me, she'd say, all my friends have pictures
of their kids graduating.
I don't have a picture of you graduating.
And it's a really, really interesting thought
because it was this expectation she had of me.
Now it's not the biggest deal and my mom's wonderful,
but there's that feeling that I would have had to either
be at my graduation ceremony or at that point,
I was living as a monk in India.
And now when I look back at that, I think,
wow, it's so obvious I made the right decision.
But if I tried to live up to our expectation,
I would have made the wrong choice.
I remember growing up,
my parents really wanted me to study sciences.
They would have loved for me to study biology
and chemistry and physics.
And instead I studied art and design and economics
and sociology and philosophy.
And those were the subjects I was attracted to.
And now when I look back I think,
wait a minute, if I would have lived up
to their expectation,
I would have been further away from myself.
The closer you get to living up
to other people's expectations,
the further away you are from yourself.
The closer you get to checking off everyone else's list, the further away you are from knowing
what's on yours. The closer you get to winning in the eyes of others The further away you are
From winning in your own eyes
We're actually losing
You lose a part of yourself
When you try to meet someone else's expectation of you that you don't value
stop
Feeling like you're responsible for other people's expectations.
Those expectations come from their expectations of their own, their expectations of their life,
the expectations they adopted from their parents, the expectations that they've adopted from their community.
And make sure that the expectations you're setting are the ones you want to commit your life to.
Number five, you're not responsible for how others decide to treat you. Their
mood isn't your job. Their actions aren't your fault. You don't have to manage
someone else's bad day. Their behavior is about them. It
doesn't say anything about who you are. You're not responsible for making
someone else grow up. Maturity is their journey. You don't have to carry that
burden. I think often we feel very very responsible for how people treat us.
We feel that the way they behave with us is a sign of who we are.
I was speaking to someone last week who said the person that broke up with them has made
them feel like they're not lovable.
I was speaking to someone else a couple of months ago and they were saying that their manager is making them feel like they don't have
any value. And the reality is if you have a relationship with someone it's worth
checking. I want to understand where this is coming from. I want to recognize and know if the way you're treating me, where's it coming from?
What's beneath this?
Because usually you'll find some people don't have a good reason at all.
They were angry, they were tired, they were exhausted and you were receiving their anger, their
exhaustion and their fatigue. You weren't receiving what you deserved, you were
receiving what they were dealing with because they didn't give themselves the
rest they deserved. Think about that for a second. You were receiving not what you deserved,
but you were receiving
what they were experiencing.
People don't treat you
how you deserve to be treated.
They treat you how they treat themselves.
The way people treat you
is not a reflection of you.
It's a reflection of how they see themselves and
what they're feeling. The way people treat you shows you how that person is living right
now, not how you're performing. You can't be responsible for how others decide to treat you
Because then you'd be responsible for their entire life
You'd have to manage their morning their evening their day their relationships
you'd have to manage everything in order to hope that they treat you right and
Sometimes maybe even we do that. We try and over manage, we try and over monitor, we try and over control someone
to hope that they'll treat us better.
Only to realize nothing changes.
And then we wonder why is nothing changing? I'm doing everything right.
Well, because there's something internally that that person's going through
that we don't have control over.
So I want this episode to be a reminder.
You're not responsible for someone's insecurity.
You can't fix what's broken inside them.
That's their work to do.
You're not responsible for their unrealistic expectations.
You decide your limits, not their impossible standards.
You're not responsible for their misplaced anger.
Their reaction isn't your fault.
Don't hold on to guilt that isn't yours.
You're not responsible for someone else's happiness.
Their joy isn't your job.
You've got your own heart to take care of.
And you're not responsible for other people misunderstanding you.
You don't have to prove yourself.
Your truth is enough.
And you're not responsible for making them respect your boundaries.
Set them clearly and firmly.
Enforcing them isn't selfish.
It's necessary.
And you're not responsible for anyone else's approval.
Their validation doesn't define you, because you're already enough, exactly as you are.
I hope you'll pass this episode on, because sometimes we just need these reminders.
Because we're all carrying that weight.
And I hope this frees up yours.
Thank you for listening to On Purpose.
Leave a review, share this episode with a friend.
And remember, I'm forever in your corner
and I'm always rooting for you.
If you love this episode,
you'll really enjoy my episode with Selena Gomez
on befriending your inner critic and how to
speak to yourself with more compassion.
My fears are only going to continue to show me what I'm capable of. The more that I face my fears,
the more that I feel I'm gaining strength and gaining wisdom and I just want to keep doing that.
This podcast is supported by BetterHelp, offering licensed therapists you can connect with
via video, phone, or chat.
Here's BetterHelp head of clinical operations,
Hesu Jo, discussing who can benefit from therapy.
I think a lot of people think that you're supposed
to be going to therapy once you're like having
panic attacks every day.
But before you get to that point,
I think once you start even noticing that you feel a little bit off and you can't maintain this
harmony that you once had in relationships, that could be a sign that maybe you want to go talk to
somebody. There's always a benefit in talking to someone because we can all benefit from improved
insight about ourselves and who we are and how we behave with other
people. So if you're human, that's like a good indicator that you could benefit from
talking to somebody.
Find out if therapy is right for you. Visit betterhelp.com today. That's betterHELP.com.
I'm Camila Ramon.
And I'm Liz Ortiz. And our podcast, Hasta Abajo, is where sports, music, and fitness collide.
And we cover it all.
This season, we sit down with history makers like the Sucar family who became the first
Peruvians to win a Grammy.
It was a very special moment for us.
It's been 15 years for me in this career.
Finally, things are starting to shift into a different level.
Listen to Hasta Bajo on the iHeart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Prohibition is synonymous with speakeasies, jazz, flappers, and of course, failure.
I'm Ed Helms, and on season 3 of my podcast, Snafu, there's a story I couldn't wait to
tell you.
It's about an unlikely duo in the 1920s who tried to warn the public that prohibition was going to backfire so badly,
it just might leave thousands dead from poison.
Listen and subscribe to Snafu on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.