Painkiller Already - PKA 664 W/ Dick Masterson: Comic Sued By A Church, Airplane Biohazard, Weird Bathroom Objects
Episode Date: September 9, 2023...
Transcript
Discussion (0)
pka664 with our guest dick masterson gonna be a good one taylor this episode of pka brought to
you by pharaohdistro.com lock and load and of course blue chew a bunch of wonderful products
we'll hear more about later you're already familiar dick how are you you're looking great
dude i i'm awesome uh i've got i'm doing two retards at once now i don't know if you guys
are up on all my shenanigans online uh but
not to jump straight to the blue chew ad i did one based off of your guy's show i ordered some
for fun and did one man that was awesome i woke up the next day with like the hardest cock that
i've ever had it was fucking sweet highly recommend thank you guys for that yeah yeah
you you take kyle's recommendation get the
tadalafil and it's the long lasting one that it lasts for 36 hours you time it right you can have
a hard cock two mornings oh yeah the first like i remember kyle telling me like texting me i remember
kyle texting me in private like years and years ago when we first got blue chew and i like they
sent me like the little like couple pills after I signed up and I hadn't taken them.
And Kyle was like,
you know,
like that's not just for people who like can't get hard at all.
Like if you take that,
you're going to see a difference.
And I'm like,
really?
And like,
I took it and it was like,
like my dick was furious.
Yeah.
Like just absolutely.
Rocking a devastator at that point.
Like,
Oh my God,
man,
I could think about
other shit while i'm fucking you i don't have to concentrate on staying hard at all this is amazing
i got the devastator down there yeah like the problem was like i i took it the first time i
took it like i didn't know like what was gonna happen so i was just i just jacked off because
i was like seeing what was going on that's a weird decision you don't want to test that thing on a woman the
first time you could kill her later that evening i used it again because it kept lasting but how
big did you think your dick was gonna get that you needed to take it on a dry run like it
it looked like it had like a like additional veins i'd never seen
oh yeah the layer of like dick fascia was allowing even more veins to protrude and like after you
came i i had a thought of like it's not going down yeah it's not going down at all is this is
kind of scary and then i got distracted for one minute and it started going down it's like okay
like the movie that ties into my favorite part of it. If you want a round two,
it's right there.
If you're in the mood for round two,
your dick is ready.
What are you, sick bastard?
You would want a round two.
I always come across a guy,
not literally,
but I meet a guy
every once in a while
who likes a round two.
I'm like, you sick fuck.
It's always a surprise,
yet not a surprise.
Who wants to fuck twice in a row
as a man?
Oh my God, you bastard. You bastard you never like i bet you love it when she comes to you weird pervert that's not my problem look if i come and she doesn't i'm better at sex that proves it yeah you're fast yeah that's
what he's a lot of people have that horny she never comes oh my god dude i have thought that
thought before like like
there have definitely been times where i came and she didn't and she's like still pawing at me
and it's like yeah i like you like this now this is good this is a win this is good i'm gonna go
make nachos and be satiated until you'll be there tonight when i'm ready again so dick i did notice
i don't know what second fight you're in but but I see you fighting with Isam, the comic book creator.
I had no idea when I saw that four months ago
that you would still every day like,
hey, you fucking loser, learn how to write.
And basically this guy wrote a comic
and he doesn't have even basic concepts of story structure and grammar.
No, it's so bad.
He will post stuff and Dick is a
professional writer and so Dick will jump
in and be like you just used
a semicolon to not separate two
independent clauses this comma is in the wrong place
that word's misspelled you didn't establish
what person was speaking from this role
and so it's jumbled like and I'm
reading it like oh I would never give my
writing to Dick
do you guys want to get into that already?
The ISOM stuff?
It's so, I thought it would be like a one week thing,
but it's like on month six now.
And every week it gets funnier and bigger.
Now, this is this week, a Christian ministry named,
weirdly enough, named ISOM has sued the Christian comic book creator, creator Eric July that I've been in like a Twitter war with for five months.
And Eric July has decided that it's my fault and that I'm going to go to prison.
Like he made a YouTube video about how this guy Dick Masters and he won't refer to me by name, just like Maddox, that I'm going to jail at any moment now
because I have duped this international school of ministry
into suing him over the rights
to his stupid Christian comic book vigilante
that has a cross on the penis in his comic book.
Like, wait, on the crotch or on his actual cock?
I don't know how big the cock or the cross is.
It probably depends, but it's weirdly positioned.
The outfit.
It's lower than a belt buckle.
Oh, there's an actual cross down there from his belt?
Yeah, no, it's on his uniform.
His superhero uniform is like Wolverine,
except it has a crucifix on his pubes.
Does he fight demons?
Okay, you tell me.
All right, yeah.
All right.
That's weird.
That's odd.
He has heels on.
You know, it looks more like a plus sign to me,
but I see how you could get offended, I suppose.
Offended, yeah, Dick was very offended.
Who's his main ne his main uh who are his
foes uh his main nemesis is um a lack of motivation i think and lack of plot there's no plot in either
of them uh basic criticism i believe reduces him to a a blubbering child like superman being superhero oh oh oh um i don't know he's uh and you read
all the material so like if it were to know if you if anyone knew it it would be you
yeah that's what everyone really is pissed about me for uh reading this stupid culture war comic
book and just saying like well this sucks you guys are blowing money on uh on uh like a guy's weird self-insert
vanity project yeah like one of the funniest things i saw like you were kind of in the back
roasting the the author of it and like it was before i read your entire breakdown and you said
something to the effect of like this entire character is just a self-insert for the writer Eric July.
And because nothing offends Eric July as much as being disrespected,
you can tell that the only thing that really gets under Isam's skin is perceiving that he's been disrespected.
And I was like, damn, he really parsed that out pretty quickly.
Yeah, I mean, I don't know.
Like angry black guy that's like super upset by being disrespected.
I don't know if that's such a great character to throw in your comic book, but.
Especially if he's not like fighting ghouls, goblins, bad guys.
I don't know.
It's such a unique idea.
Angry black man who doesn't like being disrespected.
Yeah.
Yeah, he really explores that theme by getting thrown out of a club by security and then spending the
whole comic book seething about it and coming back at the end and picking a fight with the
security guard that threw him out of the club it's a fucking riveting it's a riveting culture
war comic that eric has put together is he an evil security guard is he like there's another
layer to him or he's just selling cocaine like pimping girls uh i don't know he's just kind of
a big bigger than him i think that's it yeah he's got a piece and he's white and and eric can't do
anything about it and so he has to leave yeah uh so then eric july started like flagging all of my
you know how these gang wars on the internet start he started flagging all of my guys. You know how these gang wars on the internet start. He started flagging all my guys for criticizing him.
So one of my guys found the person
who actually owned the trademark to ISOM,
which happened to be this 25-year-old Christian ministry,
like a very upstanding organization.
And he wrote them an email saying,
hi, I'm a reporter for The Dick Show
and The Biggest Problem in the Universe News.
I really wanted to get more information on your partnership with Eric July
and his comic book and why you let him license your name in a comic about
prostitution and.
Oh,
so then lawsuit.
So it wasn't you,
but your followers did kick this thing off.
Actually,
I don't know.
The lawsuit dropped.
The lawsuit dropped the lawsuit dropped
well that email
is in the lawsuit
I would like to take credit for it but I don't
technically know they might have been working
on the lawsuit for some time
there's no way to know
there's no way to know
all I know is it gets funnier.
Now Eric goes on like panel shows because he called me a bunny because I don't know.
Because I guess he says I have buck teeth.
I don't know.
Maybe I do.
He called me the bunny from Arthur.
So now every stream he goes on, it's just like the chat is just nonstop bunny emojis.
Bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny.
Is it one of those
situations where like he's the bigger creator from like the money side like the the but like
his organic following is much smaller than yours and so he's getting blown out in like live streams
because i saw it before with like you and maddox where yeah yeah he's his comic like i don't know
if you guys uh follow this whole whole right-wing parallel economy scam.
Like the best beer they sell, that kind of shit?
Yeah, like, your beer's gay.
Buy our Israel beer.
Buy our Washington Ale.
Yeah.
Buy our Ultra, right?
Yeah, buy our candy bar.
Our not-gay candy.
Ross would have drank or something.
Yeah, they're always into that shit, yeah.
Yeah, so this is like a... I mean, that's's what this comic is but it made like six million bucks so like i don't
know why he's or did he sell six million in copies um he sold he sold six million in copies but it's
like the average price is the lowest price is 35 bucks for a comic book and the
average price is like 100
so I don't know
yes
yeah I gotta get into this right
wing grifting bullshit
no shit Woody
comic books are taken there must
be some sort of right wing hair gel
that
we need to wait for like Pantene to to put a trans person in an ad and then we'll hit the ground running with like some sort of like.
I think we need black rifle conditioner.
I mean, tampons.
Right.
Tampons actually for a woman.
No.
Yeah.
For real women only.
Yeah.
We need to clip this part out of it.
This is a good ass idea.
For real women don't even try to purchase this if you're not and then like people will buy it and be like ha ha you got us no not for dilating
not if you're dilating yeah so he So he actually sold, wait, $6 million worth of this stuff, he said.
Yeah, apparently.
Yeah.
I don't know why he's so upset that I'm making fun of his stupid Christian comic book.
I can't imagine what the...
If I were him, I wouldn't be letting you get under my skin if I was rolling in that kind of dough.
I'd be like, keep talking about it.
That's bizarre.
I'm glad that you found someone to mock online.
That's always fun.
What's important is that
it doesn't feel like punching down
and that they take it way more seriously
than you do.
Yeah.
I'm awestruck at how
profitable beefing with
Dick Masterson is.
Which is surprising since he's a gay retard
yeah we need to we need to good drive on this
you son of a bitch well you guys you guys should read isom all you have to do is read it and then
give like an honest critique of it and then you'll be next on Eric's hit list.
Now he's going around to all my friends saying,
are you with me or against me?
You've got to sign my loyalty pledge.
So I pity the fool that doesn't sign my loyalty pledge against Dick Madison.
If he's got that kind of money, Mr. July, come on in,
and we will sign your loyalty pledge for a nominal fee.
What a million. We'll be loyal to this fucking ridiculous what are his what are his powers flying strength does he have oh he doesn't know
no one knows in the comic that was my first question is what are his superpowers and
it's not explained in the comic what they are which is odd that's such a huge part of
i've never read a superhero but i would imagine that's a big
part of it yeah like spider-man is like a spider guy superman's like like really strong and stuff
flies but at least you can infer a lot from isom which sounds like like uh i have no idea you know
i've been hung up on is that the name name of the... Is it an acronym? Well, nobody knows because he didn't explain.
So he might actually have ripped it off from the International School of Ministry
because it's the only other place that name shows up.
You didn't Google it first, huh?
Well, I hate it.
Yeah.
International School of Ministry is what I get when I Google to try to figure it out.
Yeah.
I'm surprised they would care.
Like, I would think that those kind of ministries would
be like oh well you're a christian also you're doing this so okay yeah unless it's like a
copyright trademark thing where they have to defend well if they first of all i don't think
they like people going isom sucks online when they read this comic book all those people yeah
or eric calling people the n-word when they review isom for the first
time i don't think that reflects well but um like legally if they don't he could file it first
for the trademark and then they'd be fucked like it would be uh they would both own a competing a
trademark that's competing in christian uh publishing so they have to do it wow um and i
i remember when uh who's the chubby chick from star wars um caron um something garano
carina carano man every now and then like i i stream with a roku device and there's a roku
channel which is where low budget shit gets made, I guess.
And there'll be like a Gina Carano
feature on there that they're advertising
that I've never heard of. It's like
her and Danny Glover and Christian
Slater fighting fucking evil or
something. Damn, you were in
Storm Wars. They were giving you your own
show. Did you see Ahsoka blasted
on Times Square? That was supposed to be you,
you chubby white bitch. Yeah. Keep your mouth shut't be you're right do you think that share her career
would have continued to go is she still getting fatter that's what i don't know about that but
but okay she was supposed it's like i just said she was she had the next star wars show ahsoka
is the next star wars show the big one now with a lady lead now yeah that was her show to have
it was gonna be the fuck she was gonna be the the rough riding drop ship i agree on every point i'm just doing this alternate
universe where she gets that push but she's so fucking fat disney backs out no she was gonna
be the death star the third death star it was all gonna be about her she was gonna hook up with java the hutt's grandson
it was gonna make sense nobody sat her down and gave the weight for the empire
so that java's hutt's grandson will find me more attractive i never watched that show but i do
remember the still of her and that armor and just like no amount of space age technology can strap
those titties down. They were enormous.
Like, pushing through the armor.
Zach, will you show us Gina Carano UFC
weigh-in photos?
Because this was one of the baddest bitches on the planet
at one time. She had a real cute kind of
tomboy thing going on, like, ripped up with
abs. And then, you know,
she gained all that weight. Zach, I think she fought
in Invicta, if it helps you. Oh, good call.
Yeah.
Invicta, I think, what does Invicta mean? it helps you. Oh, good call. Yeah. Invicta.
What does Invicta mean?
Is that like the minor league of it, basically?
I think there was a time before the UFC had women
that it was the top women's fighting league.
Oh, man.
She used to look like that?
Yeah, she's smoking hot.
Wow.
No wonder she's famous.
She still looks like that.
Yeah.
And if you see her move, you might not know,
she was the best female fighter on planet Earth
for some period of time.
Nobody could beat her.
So she's perfectly tailored for that show.
She can move with Pedro Pascal.
She's bigger than him, I think.
They're very similar in size
when they stand next to each other
because he's a smaller man.
And yeah, she looks fantastic before. Damn's is that the beast mandalorian premiere
those are enormous i mean
they always were that girl in the middle could say whatever she wants about the holocaust
the after i don't think so honey They always were. That girl in the middle could say whatever she wants about the Holocaust.
The after one.
I don't think so, honey.
You better watch it.
Is that what she got in trouble for?
Just went zero to a hundred?
She said like being a conservative is like being a Jew in the Holocaust or something like totally insane that you would you would know to never
ever say and definitely don't write down and certainly not post online the timing was bad too
it seems like it happened you know like right after the season was released and that's a big
show the mandalorian was oh yeah and i didn't watch the last season i didn't like it and i do
kind of miss her in the show i just i want shows like that to make
chicks hotter and dudes hotter everyone who works it's a privilege to be on a show like that where
they'll pay you three million dollars to be the best looking you you've ever been take advantage
of it you cunt yeah like what are you doing shouldn't be any ugly people although she was
a performer professional athlete so she really has no like excuse that's the you know how to do this yeah did she use like a cte excuse
sometimes that works can't stop eating she actually missed weight a lot when she was a fighter
it was a recurring girls miss weight more than boys and they blame it on their cycle
and i don't know enough if they retain water in a way that's hard to cut around their cycle and it's it would be
hard as fuck to be a professional athlete as a woman that's i often think about that it's like
man you don't get control when that cycle comes i guess you'd want that birth control that
gets rid of your cycles for like you have one every three or four months or every six months
depo the shot yeah and there's also stuff that can just push your cycle off by two weeks but i don't
know if it makes you feel better or worse.
Who knows what that does to you, or if it makes you fucking...
Who cares? You work twice a year.
So when you're messing with your progesterone, maybe you fail a drug test now. They think it's roids, right?
I didn't consider that.
Who knows? As a professional lady athlete, that is hard.
I saw the biggest crowd ever assembled last week for a for
a women's athletic event in history 94 000 i think showed up for that yeah for that women's uh
volleyball was it or something yeah huge crowd out out it's crazy that's almost unbelievable
like literally 100 000 like yeah it's just if you want a woman's sport to be popular make the athletes hot and
barely dress them oh who was the comedian the other day this comedian was like you know how i
know that he's like i had a volleyball chick once argued that they needed those shorts they needed
those you know how i know they don't because i watched the special olympics the other day and
i got to the volleyball event wouldn Wouldn't you know it? Basketball shorts all around.
Yeah, that is much more tasteful.
To me, that's what's killing the WNBA.
The women that thrive in the WNBA,
that's just not the body that guys like.
That sport will never be popular.
Maybe it is.
Show it off, ladies.
I can't see anything.
Well, only one of them can dunk, right?
They should put them on catsuits like Beyonce
wore that time.
Put them in short shorts.
They'll kind of look like basketball shorts,
but they're only six inches long.
Let's see how it goes.
Nothing is going to make me watch
women's basketball.
I'm not watching men's basketball.
What if they had
added fighting?
So it's just fighting on a court
now? No.
Pull your jersey up.
God,
that's an ugly woman.
Is that Brittany Griner?
Griner?
Yeah, she looks a lot like her with the
height and the tattoos.
Is that Fry's Electronics
is the sponsor or is that a different Fry's?
Fry's Food Stores.
Oh, that's not even Fry's Electronics.
It's Fry's Food Stores.
He's right.
I had to make it full screen.
For the best bulk baked beans this side of Wichita.
What a sponsor.
That is a weird sponsor.
They gotta change the rules so the body types will change a little bit.
You know?
I don't know how to do that.
But, like, softball doesn't have the same rules as baseball.
And it's more enjoyable.
Like, if you had to watch women play baseball, no one would watch it.
They give them a smaller ball.
Yeah.
Maybe multi-balls. More balls moving around on the court. Yeah. ball no one would watch it they give them a smaller ball yeah um maybe multi balls that's
more like moving around on the court yeah double the offense double double the defense i guess i
don't know i just don't know why you would want to watch like women's volleyball is actually fun
to watch because they're good at fucking volleyball and they're hot oh yeah you're watching it because
you like the volleyball skill like when they make a good save or when they when they spike or when they uh serve really well
i'm into that part i'm like wow that is impressive uh but you know i want to see their asses too
i wouldn't watch men's volleyball i'll say that that's how you know that's how you know you're
not really a volleyball fan that you're right. Also don't watch men's basketball.
The women really don't have a chance.
They really don't.
It's a sad state of affairs.
As long as the NBA keeps subsidizing them,
they'll have a league.
They're not going to get rid of it.
They should have a league.
They should have a league.
Let them fucking play the game.
Just don't try to make me go and don't try to make me subsidize them guilt me because nobody watches your bullshit
games that's my thing right when they're complaining about their pay when they're
complaining that bill burr has a nice line about it he's like that one's on you why is it on me to
make women's basketball thrive like i get i watch men did that ladies you watch the ladies don't fuss at me for not
watching women play i was like yeah he's kind of onto something there yeah it's never going to get
popular if it was going to it would have by now what about women's sumo wrestling would you watch
that that would be great i mean out of curiosity i will league yeah. No. America would win every year. Yeah.
It's like Walmart.
They get off their rascal scooters, you know, and square up. No need for any of that diaper stuff or honor or tradition.
They just get two big bruisers from Walmart duking it out.
That'd be great.
That'd be awesome.
That'd be a good-ass sport.
Every now and then a car drives through and knocks over the competitors.
They're so fat like
they don't even have to wear tops because it's kind of androgynous by that point they've got
people are so fat that they censor themselves yeah that guy on uh fish tank airsoft fatty he
walked around entirely naked for like minutes at a time and full-on peter griffin's stomach
covering of his entire genitally. He can raise his hands and run
at you and you're like, I don't...
Is there anything down?
What is that?
That's how I lost my YouTube account.
I showed a bunch of fat guys.
They're all piled on top of each other for an art
piece on how humanity is beautiful.
They decided to make a giant
pile of shit out of
their bodies and i got a i got a strike for nudity and sexuality uh i can only assume because they
thought the men's breasts were women's breasts but they were all 600 pounds so did you sort it out
yet uh yes i'm banned that's they sorted it out they sorted it out right away, Woody. One strike and you're out?
No, I also got a strike for cyber harassment for Tess Holliday, of all people.
And then I got a minor endangerment strike for showing ABC News' coverage of a student that the teacher took his switch away.
And then he stood up and kicked the
shit out of the teacher.
That was minor endangerment.
Yeah, you gotta not endanger those minors
by sharing news clips. No, and I was
on his side. That's theft, man.
You can't be letting some woman
steal your switch out of nowhere.
Could he be here after death?
You made it sound like it happened in the classroom.
He chased her down a hallway.
That's right.
Well, that's a fair consequence.
People trying to pull him off.
And he's wailing on her.
And they're, like, waiting to pull him off, too.
Like, there's a guy walking by.
He's huge.
There's a guy walking by, like an ROTC guy.
He's walking by, watching her get beat.
And you can see him thinking like oh man somebody better
go over there and do something about that i guess it'll be me uh like trying to help your wife with
the groceries like oh yeah let me just uh you need any help over there iq points a second
now that i'm remembering this clip he did go pretty hard for that switch.
It was his only switch.
That guy's going to prison. He's the kind they try as an adult. He's like 6'4",
280 or something. He's going to jail.
He's going to rehab.
That woman had no chance to hold onto
the switch after he got his hands on her.
I don't know what he was thinking.
Clearly he was into that game.
She should have been able to look at him
and tell that he meant business. He would have been able to look at him and tell that he meant business.
He would have been able to retreat with the Switch
for a while before the end of the conflict.
Went into a Mario mania and started beating her.
I saw a video right before we started
and four black kids steal a car
and they get spike-stripped right away.
And they run off into this grassy, overcut ravine,
trees and bushes and shit,
and it's going to be a nightmare to go down in there and get them all.
And the cop goes,
Don't you make me turn this canine loose!
And the cop goes,
And you don't hear anything for a second,
and the other cop kind of looks at him and goes, yeah, 23.
We got over here by Bryce Park.
And then you hear, that's a last chance.
Last warning.
And here the guy comes.
He's like, I'm coming.
I'm coming out.
He's like, tell your friends to come too.
And he gets them all to come out because they're afraid of the dog.
His bark was so good.
His bark was so believable, especially if you're off in the dog his bark was so good his bark was so
believable especially if you're off in the woods you'd be like oh that sounds like a coon dog it
wants to eat it was like dude i wouldn't want to get fucked up by a police dog they give up right
away i talked about it last week the guy with the tennis racket who tried to fight the dog off and
the cop oh tennis racket from him and started
beating him in the face with it while the dog bit his face that was crazy don't that's the last
sporting item i would want to use to defend myself against the dog the hand of that cop
worked pretty good because he turned it sideways and started hitting the guy in the nose with it
he's just wrapping him across the face maybe like an arthur ash era tennis racket that i could
handle but not definitely not like a graphite core head you know modern racket no no no so uh
you mentioned like i i knew a bit about your your fight on the isom front who's who's this other
you have a second concurrent beef you've you're yeah yeah Maddox is back Matt Maddox my old
nemesis who disappeared five years ago and has just been like pretending to be a banana and a
cowboy on Twitch for 12 people um then he quit doing that a year ago for unfortunately because
it was some of the best content he ever made uh he released a video last week where he spends a half an hour accusing
justin wang of plagiarism and then the next half hour it's like the most dude it's like a it's like
a magnum opus of insanity that he's crammed into this hour-long video about why he sued
asterios coconuts you remember that that guy's been on your show i think yeah yeah Asterios Kokonos. You remember that? That guy's been on your show, I think. Yeah, yeah. Asterios has been...
I haven't seen anything about him in a long time.
So he had a...
It's crazy.
Falling out with Maddox.
Yeah.
Yeah, so Maddox sued me, Asterios, Patreon,
the Patreon representative,
every comedian that's ever worked on my show,
like my real-life business partner.
He sued everybody for like $380 million.
I don't know, six years ago, maybe less.
But apparently he's been working on
this just insane video for according to the screenshots in in the video uh the most recent
one is from three years ago so he's been cataloging and scripting this this uh this uh this hit piece on justin wang and hysterios for three years and he
just decided to drop it uh last weekend which we watched obviously on a bonus episode and made fun
of it but it's like it's just hysterical the uh the response he's getting from you really bring
out the best in people yeah you're really you're really good at getting under people's skin.
Yeah.
So Maddox took that huge L.
I recall some of that like five years ago, and now he's back again,
and he's threatening to sue again.
I don't know.
He's just like kind of, I don't know if he's just like explaining to people why he
now what like his his headcanon of his retcon of why he sued us it's a very
bizarre video though like starting with the Justin Wang did you guys know who
Justin Wang is I know I've seen him on Twitter I'm nursing a video of his
though he's a really nice guy like Like he does. He just does videos on internet history stuff.
Like why,
what is the,
the,
my little pony cum jar?
What's that all about?
Like,
what about the poop knife?
What about that?
Um,
I love channels like that.
I'm going to check out Justin Wang.
He's cool.
Uh,
he made a video explaining Maddox's original lawsuit five years ago.
And I think Maddox has been stewing about it and seething
about it ever since that for half a decade yeah collecting clips every other year to compile into
his his nonsense yeah that's insane and I imagine Justin Wang because like I'll see him in like the
for you on Twitter that guy's like popular and so I cannot I cannot imagine that battle's going well for maddox no um maddox
criticized him for having a metal band because he said it was uh gay or something like that
like justin wang who's like a uh lead guitar player for this awesome metal band like i mean
seems seems kind of cool actually i saw i saw like a still i saw a screenshot i guess for
maddox's video where maddox is bald and he's wearing like a wig with like long black hair
because this guy justin has long black hair and i saw the guy justin like subtweet him and be like
is this dude making fun of me for having hair yeah and it's like yeah that's true like not a not a good look you've got a very
full head of hair justin like yeah screw you to me it seems to me in this modern age of content
creators literally doing battle with one another you could solve this in a boxing ring somewhere
you know like like all these little beefs. The Ice from Church, they should send their champion.
That's how they should work things out.
Don't sue people.
That's not what Christ would do.
He'd summon up a champion of some sort.
Kick your ass.
Would you and Maddox be wildly lopsided?
I know that you can fight.
Oh, yeah.
Like boxing?
We would be wildly lopsided in any fight.
Yes, that's the...
That's why i don't think
he's ever pursued that road of let's fight dick because let's probably say okay that's like a
atomics the tank engine like build-off or something uh i don't know um yeah that die
something's funny too because now eric july's fans are review bombing the ministry. What? They can't review bomb a church?
Exactly!
I did not feel the Lord
at any point.
That is not very Christian.
Shortest terms I have ever been to.
What do you say?
It was so drafty
in the vestibule.
Like, man, my guys
have never bombed or reviewed but no kind of bombing a church
has ever happened on my side so i think you gotta kind of take a step back and oh jesus christ so
like that's hilarious his own fans are trying to ruin the reviews of a ministry organization
google because it's like a huge they have a ton of locations. They have like 100,000 ministers.
Like, I don't, fuck I saw them.
These motherfuckers are going after my comic book.
I'm like, man, you guys are, you guys are on, you guys are on.
There's not a real God because.
Because they're so mad at me, right?
Because they're so mad at me.
And Eric told them that I tricked the ministry into suing
him so they're like i'll show you guys are working in concert you're the legion of doom against eric
july yeah you and the international school of ministry natural allies against yeah right yeah
so now you so now you have almost uh a champion fighter a proxy figure to fight. God, you've said. Yeah.
And then the CEO of ISOM, the ministry came out while Eric went after Eric.
Yeah.
After Eric made a video saying like that, I'm going to jail for making fun of his comic book and for tricking for tricking the ministry into suing him.
The CEO of the ministry came out.
He was like, you know how like all ministry guys are like doctors?
I don't know what they're like, you know, like Dr. Eli Gemstone,
like the Dr. Eli Gemstone of the ministry came out and said,
look, guys, we're not trying to sue anybody.
We sent Eric July this lawsuit.
We didn't serve it.
We sent it to him because we wanted to work it out.
We don't know why he's telling you that we were tricked into sending you this um yeah it seems like he hasn't handled it well it seems like
he's he's like when there have been opportunities to de-escalate and get back to selling his comic
for money he's he's not doing that yeah he's just like a fucking idiot i guess he's like you're
having a great time so i'm glad i'm the happiest i've ever been online they could send me to jail for they could send me to jail for a thousand years
for making fun of his comic and i'd be like that was worth it man that week was hilarious i'll be
right next to trump sitting there in the jail going what are you in for and he's like well
you know upending democracy you're like awesome man Kind of me too. Well, I tricked International School of Ministry into harassing a –
That's awesome.
Very small author.
Very small author.
I think the last time I was on, it was with Harley.
Do you guys remember that?
Right before he did his boxing match,
and I said he was going to get clobbered by John Morrison,
and then he got, like, knocked out of the ring by John Morrison.
He got back in.
That should be known to people who didn't see the fight.
I love that guy.
That was awesome.
He had gotten knocked out, and then he gets up, and he's got
this look on his face like, that just happened.
I'm outside the ring now.
Well, I better get back in.
I'm supposed to be in there. Excuse me.
That was great yeah that was great
that was great he like i i liked that he responded that way got fucked up knocked out of the ring and
then just befuddled man fighting that guy because if you're gonna do that look i mean he got paid
he didn't get beat up that bad but yeah all things being said if you're going to do that wouldn't you want to be the guy who's don't hurt yourself and everything's
going to be fine
this guy doesn't know what he's doing
don't trip
after you beat him up
if I found myself fighting the mayor of
Slamtown I hope that I would
conduct myself like Harley did
and like going into that fight
he had the benefit of like,
no one thought he was going to beat the mayor of slam town.
Like everyone was like,
he's going to lose.
Let's see if there's a,
like a real fight in it.
You're gassing him up,
buddy.
I like Harley and I admire his ring.
But the mayor of slam town,
we're swinging wildly at each other in a bathroom of a bar.
I'd be like, come on, Harley, make one connect.
But when we square up and put gloves on and tape our wrists
and then look each other in the eye and slowly step forward,
it was like, ah, that guy probably knows how to do this already.
He's going to win, isn't he?
He looked like the Undertaker when he got up off the table.
Oh, Like Frankenstein
What was that?
John Morrison bad
I will say this
Harley is the most skilled
And most courageous Jewish boxer
I can name
Bar none
Mike Tyson isn't Kabbalah?
Did that happen?
Seems like something like that happened.
He's a black Israelite.
For a while he was with the Nation of Islam, I believe.
Praise be to Allah!
And then he talked about eating people's children.
Not just their foreskin.
He has some of the most classic interviews of all time.
He has the one where he's screaming at the guy like, I fuck you till you love me you fucking faggot and it's like oh shit you're that's the
man that you're gonna fight tomorrow night that you're comfortable saying that to in front of all
these people that's wild then there's a woman interviewing him once and she went too far i
don't know what she asked he's like normally i don't associate with talking to women unless we want to fornicate. So we should probably stop talking right now unless, you know.
And she's like, well, he's big on the implication.
Back to you, Tom.
That was after the rape, I think.
And then like eight years ago, that guy on ESPN or something,
I think that the mayor of some some mayor met with Mike
and the question was, do you think it might
be bad for the mayor's campaign now?
Because, you know, you're a convicted rapist.
And Mike's like, nobody
brought that up or said anything like
that or you're a fucking
piece of shit, you rat fuck.
And he's like, we're live right now. I don't give a fuck.
What are you going to do? What are you going to do?
Fuck you, you rat fuck, piece of shit. And the guy's like, well, that right now. I don't give a fuck. What are you going to do? What are you going to do? Fuck you, rat fuck, piece of shit.
And the guy's like, well, that's Mike Tyson.
We're going to go ahead and like, it's getting scary.
Mike's getting real upset about this whole thing and bringing up the rape shit.
And I don't think Mike raped that lady because I don't, I don't, I just don't.
I really, I already, I always believed Mike and disbelieved OJ.
It was just clear to me
that one of them was lying and one was telling the truth yeah i agree i don't remember exactly
why i don't think you raped her but i know i remember it was litigated and reviewed after
the fact and it was like oh yeah okay that he really did get railroaded but now all the facts
are lost to me yeah i forgot all the facts too he was found guilty in a court of law which
isn't a good look yeah he went to prison yeah he was guilty and one he wasn't or is it no i don't
know anything about it he was found guilty of raping a woman one time and he went to prison
for it and that's kind of what that's that's the whole thing robin gibbons wasn't it no no that's
that's howard stern's co-host another gibbons that's robin quivers, that's Howard Stern's co-host. Another Givens.
That's Robin Quivers.
Robin Quivers is the co-host.
Robin Givens was his ex-wife, I think,
and not the person he raped.
And I'm not sure about this.
Did he rape a hotel maid or something?
I'm not sure about that. I don't think Mike Tyson has ever raped anybody.
Didn't he go to jail for it after being convicted?
I mean, I don't know what that has to do
with anything oh she met him in a nightclub so i have that wrong i know that interview you're
talking about kyle where he talks to that guy who says we quote it all the time like me my
girlfriend goes you know you seem like a nice guy but you're really kind of a piece of shit
mike we're live right now i I don't give a fuck.
You're like a rat fuck over there.
That's so awesome.
You seem like a nice guy, but you're really a piece of shit.
Just the amount of confidence like sitting across from the table from anyone as Mike Tyson, like that you must have.
Like because he's like, you know, there are rules to society but i will disregard them
mike and he's and he's gonna fuck you up you see videos of him now he's like 60 and he can fire off
five punches mike's been through a lot of stuff his daughter died tragically i think she drowned
in a pool or something um i remember seeing him on rogan and this is like eight years ago
like he he hadn't worked out or jogged or done anything for like a decade or
something.
And,
and Joe's like,
you don't work out at all.
Cause he still looked big.
He looks,
look fat.
It was like hangover times.
And he's like,
no,
I can't do that.
Cause that ignites my ego.
And I start wanting to run faster and I start wanting to run quicker.
And it,
I need to hit that heavy back harder.
And then he's like,
I can't do that.
I can't let that version of me come back.
And then like four years ago, he was like, the gods of war have called on me to rekindle
my fighting spirit.
It was literally something like that, he said.
And then he started working out again.
And he went from fat to like Mike Tyson again in like six months.
And then he fought whoever the fuck, another boxer, like an old boxer.
Was it Cuba Gooding Jr.?
Boy Jones, I think you're right.
He's a fuck up, Cuba Gooding Jr.
I'm going to beat the shit out of radio
in this thing.
Cuba Gooding Jr.'s like,
I'm from the method school of acting, son.
I'm going to beat the shit out of this
snow dog motherfucker.
I think he played a boxer once. I'm not even sure. I would going to beat the shit out of this snow dog motherfucker. I think he played a boxer once.
I'm not even sure.
Did he?
I don't know.
I would pay to see that in the ring.
Cuba Gooding Jr.
Playing a boxer versus Mike Tyson as a boxer.
Cuba Gooding Jr.
Sugar Ray Leonard versus Mike Tyson's Mike Tyson.
Mike Tyson as Mike Tyson.
Wait, no.
That guy's got an oscar i'm afraid uh the maddox shit i wanted to like stay on that for a sec like it's unbelievable that
like i remember in 2004 like i'm like 13 14 years old 2004 2005 and like going on maddox's original site the biggest
problem or not the biggest problem the best page in the universe whatever it was can't even remember
and reading his little articles and being like this is so funny like this is this is the funniest
stuff i've ever read online this was pre-youtube so like it was basically albino black sheep ebombs world something awful like those sites and then there was you know maddox's
stuff and i don't know if there's ever been someone who was legitimately like an internet
a true og like he was writing that shit before youtube before like blogs were big like he was
that guy and it was wildly popular and one of his big
things at the time that i think about all the time is like he had some article and he was like
i am i have a bigger website than coke i have a bigger website than pepsi i have a bigger website
than this and even at 14 i'm like nobody goes to coke.com and like yes but and he was like and i
don't advertise ever i never advertise on my site
and i won't ever yeah and do you think he regrets that um he regrets that a lot like because now it
seems like he is truly in the doldrums of being an internet creator like i have not heard anything
about him other than his ancillary remaining relationship with you for eight years like
like biggest problem with you
and him was the last time i remembered him being a part of something yeah um no because he's got
this thing that like everybody who i seem to fight with for an extended period of time has this thing
where they can just never admit that they're wrong like he will maddox will never admit that not running ads on
his website was a mistake I mean it'd be pointless now because it like they don't
do ads like that on websites anymore but it was dumb at the time he won't admit
that was dumb he won't admit that all his loss is that suing me was dumb
that's what his whole new video was about just justifying it probably
justifying it in his own mind as much as in the mind of his like his thousands of fans that comment on it and act like he's just recovering from cancer.
They're like, oh, it's so brave of you.
Or like he just got raped.
It's so brave of you to come forward with this story of harassment that you're suffering.
I hope you get these people.
Yeah, no, he didn't and like for
him to not know like i don't know maybe i gave him too much credit but like he was an internet og he
should know that like a frivolous lawsuit against another internet creator just like undoes whatever
image he had of a devil make like who cares i'm doing my own thing it's like oh no
so you care deeply and intensely and you need to pursue it legally to shut them up okay well that's
not okay that's not good for the image you're trying to cultivate here you know very sensitive
actually no eric's the same way he's like mr ancap like libertarian like the government shouldn't be
involved but then as soon as he gets made fun of he's like well i'm calling the government and they're gonna come shut you up no he doesn't like taxes but yeah it's a funny
video you should go go read the comments at least because it's like people saying oh my god i'm so
i'm so sad to hear that you were raped by these comedians online and then the next one is like
man you're so old that your bald head has a bald spot on it.
Woody, I know you like reality shows.
So I found out about this incredible Japanese reality show that existed in the late 90s.
MXC.
I think the guy's name was Nasubi.
But here's what they did.
They locked him naked in a room with nothing,
and they broadcast it live for 15 months.
And the only way he could get food or any possessions at all
was by the big pile of magazines in the room
had all those mail-in sweepstakes.
So he had to continuously enter mail-in sweepstakes
until he'd accrued like 10 000 united states
dollars but that takes 15 months so he was just going insane you know no hair he's got this beard
his hair's a mess it's like old boy except no like incest or craziness right he's going insane
in this room it it's got 17 million viewers every sunday. It's huge. They edit it down into summaries that are played on weekdays.
It's one of the bigger shows in the country.
And people find the apartment that he's locked in.
So they come in the middle of the night and they kidnap him out of the room.
The producers do.
He wakes up, whole new apartment, whole new pile of magazines.
Let's go again.
It was absurd. It's like like how did this actually happen i didn't believe it had happened the first time i was like somebody
made some shit up but i started googling and yeah it happened like 15 months 15 months do you
remember a long time ago um late 90s late 90s uh if it's in the late 90s. Late 90s. It's in the late 90s, a Japanese game show called The Contestant.
It was broadcast a man being locked in a room for 15 months.
He was naked, starving, and alone.
He was also unaware that his life was being broadcast on national television.
He didn't know?
The show was extremely popular.
Why did he think he was there?
17 million viewers every Sunday night.
He thought it was a contest.
Day 75. I am so scared.
He was a Japanese comedian
who had won
the lottery for a show business related
job and he was challenged to stay alone
unclothed in an apartment for the show.
Susunu.
S-U-S-U-N-U.
The only possessions
he had were those that he'd won
from the sweepstakes.
He'd mail in and get the stuff from the mail order stuff.
Yeah, absolutely insane.
The Japanese are on such another level with their game shows.
That was probably the same time we were coming up with
who wants to be a millionaire, right?
We went the massive, bigger-than-life capitalist route.
They went creepy hidden camera, naked man locked in a room for a year.
This is so much better than than ours this is way better than than trivia for a million dollars i would you watch this
trivia yes i love trivia yeah but i would i'd like to play trivia i don't want to watch trivia
like this is and i wouldn't want to do this either but this is at least interesting
it's terrifying and i mean he was challenged to enter until he won a million yen or whatever that's eight grand yeah but you
gotta get it's like eight grand worth of free shit from the sweepstakes until he wins the show
i think was the deal it's a little confusing that's 15 months of your life he said that he
didn't quit because of his like japanese spirit
of determination and also he didn't have any clothes and also because of the lock of the door
how much time have you spent on this show taylor when and when will you hit that long
of time being in this room that you're in right now to it'd be a long time to to equate to 15 24 hour day or 15 months of 24 hour days
that'd be horrible yeah yeah especially if you have is like free magazines it would probably be
like you'd be getting like chick tracks from religious groups and and all sorts of shit like
that like what else are you gonna winweed? I don't know what they
sell in magazines in 1998
in Japan. Other Japanese magazines.
Who knows? It could be anything.
Very strange culture, Taylor. Nukes really
set your crazy
to 11 for the next
100 years or so, apparently.
Or maybe forever.
You know why they bombed Hiroshima
and Nagasaki with the nukes?
Why they picked those two?
Well, there was a weather-related event,
so I think Tokyo got called up.
But the reason that Hiroshima and Nagasaki were still standing
is because they saved them.
They saved those cities.
All the other cities were destroyed already
from conventional bombing raids and firebombing raids.
They saved those two to test on.
But then they didn't even...
It was the biggest L ever.
That is a huge L. I was going to say
that's a lot
to save two entire cities.
Because there was one person who was like,
we're going to save that city. And someone was like,
no, no, you don't test things once.
You test things.
We already built Batman.
So that means they had three cities.
Yeah.
That was a huge L they took,
and now they've got tentacle porn,
and they're working themselves
90 hours a week until they die
at 32 years old and stuff.
I think they always did that.
Well, they worked themselves 90 hours a week until they died at 102.
I think they're trying to make up for
that L they took, trying to catch back up.
I mean, they did in the 80s.
They're still going, though.
It's wild.
And the worst part, they don't have any diversity.
So it's not a bit.
Or you could say 100% diversity.
How do they operate?
How do they operate without all the food and music?
It's 100% diverse by the NBA code of diversity.
Where apparently everywhere but fucking Switzerland is diverse.
Their trains aren't crashing into each other.
Their airplane companies aren't going down for no reason.
That's true.
They do know infrastructure.
They love taking care of it.
They love gardens.
I'd like to go to Japan.
That'd be fun. Oh, you should. It's awesome. I'd like to go to Japan. That'd be fun.
Oh, you should.
It's awesome.
I think all three of you guys have been.
Yeah.
I'm not allowed to go.
You went with...
Didn't you go to Japan?
No, he went with Joe and was ringside with him
when Joe mysteriously didn't lose that fight
to Anthony Pettis in spectacular fashion.
Yes.
I remember him winning that fight.
This is like a Mandela effect.
I would have sworn you went to Japan.
It's been an unfortunate... I was telling my
girlfriend the other day, I was like, there was this one time
where me and Woody drove like
20 fucking hours to support our boy
because he was going to fight
in an arena in Boston.
They beat the shit out of him and we felt
so bad and we knew he wouldn't want to see us so we just went home I was like we hadn't seen him in like a year and a half
two years before then and I haven't seen him since I saw Joe Lozon fight in Japan now in Japan the
crowds are different they don't cheer and stuff. They watch in absolute
silence.
No one says a word. It's quieter
than church. So they're
in there fighting. You can hear every blow
land. And then out of nowhere,
Joe's coach, Steve, yells,
Keep your hands up, Joe!
Everybody heard it
except Joe. And then comes the kick.
And I was like, every time i watched the
replay i hear steve's voice now you know hands up and i wish joe heard it too was it weird that no
one was cheering like i i wouldn't have guessed that don't the japanese like to drink and or is
that koreans i do think they like to drink but but in sports they're just dead silent here a pin drop you know who's got the best crowd in the fucking world
france france okay the last ufc event this last weekend um you know that when they go to france
you bring in all the french fighters there's a handful that crowd was amazing they were so good
um i love those european crowds in general they've got those chants that they bring over from soccer.
I love it too.
South American, fucking shit people.
You Brazilian pieces of shit.
Worst crowd.
No chance.
They'll abandon the building when their guy is retiring.
Who was it?
Glover Teixeira is retiring.
Fucking old champion.
He's had all these shots at the the belt i think he held it for a
minute he's up there crying all beaten and bloody this is it for me and they're a fucking empty
arena they've left him like shittiest fans ever that is pretty shitty he's retired and you know
they tried to kill chel sunner you know they chant you're gonna die to the brazilian opponent
and i like yeah yeah you're like what's that beautiful chant? Because it's like, Kooloola,
Kooloola.
They're saying, you will die here tonight.
You will die here.
I'm here for it.
If I'm the opposing guy, I dance.
I do a little Kooloola dance.
Bring it.
Don't let it get to you.
It's like the Philly of countries.
Yes.
Brazil?
Yeah, Brazil, where they're just horrible fans,
mean to you, I guess.
I wouldn't want to deal with that.
They have a shitload of murders there, too, don't they?
Oh, I think crime-ridden...
I feel like Brazil, Honduras...
They've got the stavellas, those multi-level
slums full of AK-47
wielding drug lords.
Great MW2 men.
Great beaches. big asses
you know it's not all bad no there's lots of good stuff there i'm sure why are they like brazilian
waxings when they wax your asshole and your vagina or i guess your balls too like why did
they get named after that country why is that a brazilian is it because brazilians wear those
skimpy bathing suits so you need your asshole waxed. Maybe they led the trend
in butthole. Smoothest
assholes on the planet.
Or it could be like one of those
German chocolate cake
stories where like, that's
because it was some guy named Stevie
German who came up with a tasty
cake. It's not German.
Maybe Adam Brazil
was the first you know ass
reconstructionist yeah and they call it that what country do you think has a population of women
most likely to do anal greece likely germany france i'm interested why why'd you leave with
greece i because it's called greek isn't it like anal sex? This guy's the men do it, isn't he?
Because of the women?
It's because of the men.
In Greece, anal sex with a woman is strictly forbidden.
No, no.
It's making no sense.
He has a pussy.
That's what they sound like.
That's what the Greeks sound like, apparently.
Brazil, France, and Greece are my leading...
Oh, Russia.
That's confused Italian.
Yeah.
Anal sex is a way that a teacher
bonds with his pupil.
The Vatican
is the anal sex capital
of the world.
Trick question, Woody said women.
Oh, women. I stand by
Germany. I feel like the Germans are, by and large,
more into poop than other groups,
so that right there leads you into some ass play.
And I just feel like they're another country
that took that L,
but went a different direction with it.
It's almost time to tamp them back down again.
They're getting a little ahead of themselves, Germany.
Are they?
Yeah.
I guess I'm not up on what Germany's up to.
I don't find them to be trustworthy.
They make those good cars.
Yeah, too good.
But I mean, I'm sure they have good
food there, but no one ever thinks
about German food. Like, Italy and
Spain and France are right there.
Like, no one's ever
talking on German food.
They don't have good food there.
They don't? Oh food there they don't oh
is it just sausage and yeah it's like sausages and shit and like kind of a
mishmash of other things but they don't really get it who has the best food in europe dick uh
i think either france or italy i i would last time I went to Italy, I would eat two dinners sometimes. It was so good.
But I don't know.
Those would be the stereotypical ones.
Yeah.
I could see like not eating in Germany
because you're about to hit up Italy.
Like,
no,
don't,
we're not pulling off in Germany.
We're going to Northern Italy.
Don't fill up on schnitzel.
Don't fill up on nonsense.
Don't eat,
don't fill up on rotten carp here in Norway.
There's pasta in Italy.
Anywhere that ferments fish or does anything like that,
it's a no-go for me.
All those Scandinavian countries that eat those disgusting pickled fish products and such.
Yeah.
Most regional food like that, there's a reason it didn't break free of that regional constraint.
Like rotten fish, you know, stored in whale blubber that like Norwegians eat and would swear up and down that it's good.
Like there's a reason that didn't have the legs that pizza did.
Pizza is worldwide because it's awesome.
It's incredible.
It's a great food.
Pasta conquers every land it arrives in.
But rotten fish?
Fuck no.
And these Anthony Bourdain type people will be like,
oh, I'm going to go have a bucket of maggots in fucking Somalia.
And like, oh, there's a little cumin on it.
Oh, you guys don't even get it.
And it's like, no, there's a reason that like,
if you went five villages over, they'd be like, like that is disgusting like they wouldn't even fuck with it because you must eat the
lava yeah like it's just i love it it's gross like i feel like taylor's going a full lizzo
or something on it's like pizza's good what was the other thing you said was pasta was good yeah
of course they're good they're just fucking empty carbs and bullshit and then
they're like this other thing that is like i don't know fish raw fish which is probably good for you
that sucks it will never escape that country well no because i can sushi is great sushi is raw fish
and that explodes everybody's wrong no you're you're insane sushi's delicious i am insane but
that doesn't make sushi good i live in the live in the middle of the country, Woody?
North Carolina.
Home of the best sushi in North Carolina.
I live in Missouri.
We have awful sushi, and I still eat it.
We have pretty good sushi over here.
Are you in California?
Yeah.
Yeah, I would guess.
But I've tried a lot. I've tried a lot of sushi.
Everyone's like, have you tried the California roll?
That's the beginner one. I've tried
the mall. I've tried the tuna roll, the California
roll. I've tried octopus.
Have you tried deep fried cum?
Because I've had that. Well, yeah, I make it myself.
It's why I got on the lock and load
in the first place.
I was getting hungry i like uh i like nigeria a lot i think that's how you pronounce it when you've just got like a piece
of raw fish on like the little dollop of rice and just put a little soy sauce a little uh the
sashimi where it's just the raw meat feel like i want a little rice there or and i like the sea
the uh the seaweed paper or whatever it is too that rice
paper stuff nori i like that shit too i don't know i like that i like sushi but it does have to be
good i used to eat kroger sushi like like uh grocery store sushi and not worry about it but
i've gotten food poisoning too many times i can't do that shit anymore i'm tired of shitting blood
gotta stop you know you were eating disgusting california rolls if tired of shitting blood gotta stop you know you were eating disgusting
california rolls if you were shitting blood because there's nothing real in there that's
like it's like imitation crab and rice and i don't get the california rolls though i usually
get spicy tuna i really like the tuna and um and like i said if i if it's a restaurant and i get
is it nigiri or nigiri you would think nigiri i think it's nigiri yeah fair
enough i i don't know but that is the good one that's when it's just the the meat on top of the
rice but yeah like sushi rocks you're definitely in the minority here woody like sushi exploded
because it's really good sir strommen which is the fermented fish in i think oil in sweden or
whatever that like they make people eat on youtube as a punishment
in like reality shows like there's a reason stuff like that doesn't take off and i bet they still
only sell it because people like in norway are like we have to you know stick with our culture
and they're like driving past pizza places to try and you know convince themselves to eat their
nasty ass norwegian food Have you ever had it?
It sounds like anchovies, which are awesome.
I've had anchovies, and anchovies are not bad at all.
But I've never had surstrommet.
Anchovies make a good garnish or a good topping. When I've opened anchovies, I'm not like,
these people are gagging when they open these cans
because it's literally rotten.
Anchovies deserve more hate. everyone hates pineapples on pizza and pineapples on pizza are actually pretty good add a little saying to it people who hate pineapples on pizza only do
so because the internet told them to do so jalapenos and pineapples it's all like it baby
anchovies on the other hand they earn earn their dislike. Focus your lasers on them. I'm bringing anchovies back.
I'm going to come into a pizza place with a little can of anchovies
and crack it and clear the whole restaurant.
Enjoy myself. Peace.
I read about a good dating trend, and I want to get your feedback on it.
Are you ready for this?
Yes.
All right.
A little two-paragraph lay it out.
This chick went on a fairly unremarkable date last winter.
She and her date grabbed hot ciders at a Brooklyn bar.
And when the bill came, the dude gave the bartender his credit card.
Cool so far.
A few days later, the guy asks for a second date.
She told him, no, I'm not interested.
So then he sent her a Venmo request for her drinks from the first date.
I fucking love it i like i don't know why like if there is equality now why are guys still paying for everything
especially in this like early date now she's a stay-at-home mom or whatever the situation has
changed but in this where they're just dating and she's like living on her own independently
why are guys paying for everything women see that we say that because it's funny but women don't want equality when
you actually have meet one that likes you um they're fine with all of that uh the other way
they're fine with things the other way they want to talk a big game on social media but they're
perfectly fine with you paying for the thing and them cooking and cleaning and then like like most women like like a vast majority i'm not saying they want to be slaves or anything they're perfectly fine with you paying for the thing and them cooking and cleaning. And then like, like most women,
like,
like the vast majority,
I'm not saying they,
they want to be slaves or anything.
They're just like,
yeah,
that,
that seems like a fair exchange of goods and services.
And you do this and I do that kind of thing.
I don't know.
Slaves don't talk back.
That's the big,
or that's,
or they,
unless they get the rod.
Yeah.
I think that's hilarious.
Like that guy. I mean, and she's not gonna pay his venmo
request but no he could he could get his seven bucks so why not what do you think about all right
so here's here's something similar so i think that's silly because that's a first date i bought
you the drink because i'm i'm showing you that i'm the kind of guy who has seven extra dollars on me
that's this is all right so whenever she was just
it didn't work out you know for whatever reason i lose my 750 i don't i'm not gonna venmo you but
what if we had like a six month relationship and i bought you like hypothetically like a
two thousand dollar bracelet or something like that should i be like hey didn't work out you
know like i thought it would um i'd like that bracelet back, I think.
It's actually, lie, my grandmother's, you know, like she should turn it over, right?
She should because she doesn't know you're lying.
You see?
You should turn it back over.
Give me my shit.
Give me my fucking Camaro back.
In construction, there's typically a pay-as-you-go
situation, right? You finish 25% of
the project, you send an invoice for 25%
of the overall project.
When you hit the halfway point, there's another milestone.
You bill the guy for the next quarter.
Hopefully,
these women who are staying at your place
or whatever are doing a similar pay-as-you-go
arrangement. They need to be
doing whatever it is they do to earn their keep.
Yeah.
He needs to send her a KPI report and tell her.
KPI report.
But in your relationship.
Keep performance indicators.
Seriously, Taylor, if you dated a girl for a year,
would you ever ask for some expensive gift you'd given her back?
No.
I wouldn't buy a girl a really expensive gift
in the first year, more likely than not.
What if it's, like, hypothetically,
it's something you already had.
Like, you had an extra one of, like,
I don't know if you've got camera gear or something,
but you're like, hey, use mine.
But she's like, oh, he gave me that.
You'd want to get that back, huh?
Oh, fuck, you just reminded me of an old iPod
that I don't have anymore that I should probably go the camera back that bitch album on it yeah that i don't
think i'm trying to get it back it was pre-youtube it was a long time ago you know why i don't ask
for it back it's ego driven because i'm the kind of baller that doesn't give a fuck about what you
took from me like that's where my head is. Me wanting an iPad back
implies that I don't just fucking
rain iPads, and that's who I aspire to be.
Yeah, but why are you trying to impress a girl
who's breaking up with you? I don't rain iPads. I'm very cheap.
I want all women to know that.
Tell your friends how cheap that guy is.
Dick gives me iPads, ladies.
Don't fall for that. He likes me more than you.
That's a good filtering method.
Here's from the other side.
You just send him an invoice for the
after dinner blowjob.
Right? Here's the
I don't know if you can do that.
Say here's a prepaid invoice for
if they cash it out, right? Then you got
well, then you get hit.
I like to file a...
Yeah, I'd like to file a resolution
request on this hundred bucks that you took.
Yeah, that is pretty embarrassing
to give someone a gift and then ask for it back.
Very much Indian giver shit.
That's racist.
No, not according to Seinfeld.
You can't be racist against white people.
True.
They're the Indian giver that was the white person. It's an insult towards the people who gave gifts The Indian giver, though, is the white person.
It's an insult towards the people who gave gifts
and took them back, right?
You can't call white people the N-word, Woody.
That's not allowed.
I'm not going to stop.
Well, yeah, you can't at the mall or the movies.
But in your own home,
Sargon proved that.
My nickname for Jackie. proved that my nickname for jackie
yeah man you you do not want to hear me call my new dog over
in fairness his dog is black oh man it's weird it's weird hearing the uh the dating conversation
now i haven't been uh i haven't been back since uh the since the big Taylor fiasco that I've never gotten to talk about yet.
So now Kyle's got the girlfriend and Taylor's back with all the the one hander.
Now I'm back in the church of Kyle on on the dating apps and he's not even here to to be to be my shepherd.
I don't think people realize what a humanitarian service Kyle and Taylor are doing in this church of Kyle.
You think they're just running through women.
No, no, no, no.
They are fostering girls.
They are just loving them now until they find their forever homes down the road.
Forever homes?
Kyle's look of absolute disgust.
I've never been on the show before but it's pretty funny
you guys
what was your name?
yeah that was funny
after I got divorced I was like damn it
Kyle and Dick were right
like
nobody in my life
other than Kyle and Dick responded
to that news with like don't do it
especially dick dick was like no brother oh what a horrible mistake you're making like uh it's a
legal contract that's not gonna that can't help you yeah it's like all the things you need are
not in that contract don't sign it yes. Yes. Well, you know, you win some, you lose some.
Now, some people only have to learn this lesson once, Taylor.
It could be you.
You might be one of these lucky men.
I'm such an idiot.
Let me tell you what you do next time, Taylor.
You look happier, though.
You look so much happier.
Last time, you looked's thinking about your house and
stuff and beating down look at you now a lot of stress yeah their head looks smaller better now
yeah i'm i got i lost a bunch of weight again you got to be fit when you're when you're out
out in the market again you can't be a big fat fuck wow you're i think talking about hockey less
from the outside, Taylor.
From the outside. Damn.
Look at this.
Your divorce looked pained from the outside.
The finance stuff seemed to get settled without a lot of drama
by comparison to other divorces.
100%.
It was really easy.
A total rinky-dink divorce.
Were there screaming matches?
I used to work with a guy who got divorced.
Cubes don't give much privacy.
Oh my god.
He would just... How often do you scream
as loud as you can scream?
Never.
Not him.
This guy was chill. Chill as fuck.
But he was driven to wit's end by this divorce.
The only time I yell is during this show.
Did you ever hear him, like he gets off the phone,
that's the goddamn last time, Judith!
The last time I speak to you, it's
settled now!
And he hangs up.
Could you hear him?
It wasn't far from that. Yeah like like you just don't hear people i was gonna say men
but both men and women scream as loud as they can scream that's not a common thing no thank god that
was not something we did it was cordial the whole time like as far as divorces go easy as shit like
but like i was like mr stress rather the officiating um look there's no reason
to have a you know any official paperwork i got i got a guy taylor he's gonna print some
very official looking paperwork out with everyone's names on it he'll i'll be your witness
father kyle here nobody knows me i'll put the seen me. I've got that old priest robe, right?
I like this.
I'll gray the hair up.
I'll come in.
I'll use a cane.
I'll put a whole Johnny Knoxville face on.
I marry you.
I officiate.
I've got the forged paperwork.
Then when it's divorce time, it's like, oh, guess what?
You just got punked.
You know?
As the creature comes out.
Yeah.
You know what's more? None just got punked. You know, Ashton Kutcher comes out. Yeah. You know,
it's like,
maybe this was real.
Maybe having my friends marry me like as a bit,
isn't a good idea because one of my good buddies married me the first time
because he was like,
we were just like afterward.
He was like,
you know,
I'm a,
I'm a minister.
And I'm like,
dude,
that's hilarious.
The same guy who tells,
who told the story of the,, man, is it bad?
Like who like watch that woman fall down and like break her leg.
That's one of my close buddies.
He married us because he was like, I'm still a minister.
And I was like, that's hilarious.
Do it for us.
So, yeah, next time I'll double down on that approach.
And Kyle, you can absolutely dress up and pretend to be a priest.
And yeah, I'll do down on that approach. And Kyle, you can absolutely dress up and pretend to be a priest. And yeah,
I'll do the voice from, um,
I think I may have,
I think I may be right.
Yeah.
You remember that?
You remember the princess bride wedding?
Marriage.
What brings us together today?
Yeah.
Women would love having that day made a total mockery.
I don't even think you're needed for this bit, Taylor.
Kyle could just do it himself.
When Kyle eventually gets married,
which I don't think will happen.
Yeah, that was...
I'm the fucking dummy that had to go through it.
But yeah, I should have listened to...
I'll take a stroke right before that
and make sure she leaves me.
I'm sorry, but I can't be the man I promised I would be.
Take a stroke?
Yeah, yeah.
I've been practicing stroke victim face
for like eight months now
in preparation for the proposal.
I'm sorry, I can't be the man that you need.
What are some activities that increase strokes?
You have to start doing them before the date you plan on faking your stroke.
So when she goes to the doctor, well, he recently started smoking and stuff.
My blood pressure is off the charts.
You need to blood dope, but way, way, way, way too much.
I have to give blood or I get too many red blood cells.
It honestly is a problem.
You're already halfway there.
So I've got excuses.
Laying the framework right now.
Very hard-fired.
I like it.
You've got to have an exit door, my friend.
A parachute, if you will.
When Woody goes up there and does that nonsense,
he don't raw dog it.
He's got not one but two parachutes.
He's got an oximeter on his wrist, you know?
Take precautions.
Condoms not enough. Yeah, and condoms, who's got an oximeter on his wrist you know take precautions yeah condoms not enough
yeah and condoms who's got the time right yeah who's got the time to in the middle of the you
know the throes of passion if you had gotten on the roids when i told you to you wouldn't have
any swimmers and you would have frozen your seed long ago. And you'd have it
in like a, like a cryogenic little pod and you could break it out. It'd be such a cool talking
piece. You'd be like, are you ever going to have children? You'd be like, how funny you bring it
up. Let me show you my prime boys. All right. This is, they've took 80 loads of my cum and they found
the five best swimmers. That's the five best swimmers out of 800 billion possible sperm.
And these are my boys
right here and you got them frozen and if you ever want to like put them in somebody you got
them they're ready to go but meanwhile you're on you're on the juice you don't make sperm and you're
ripped you're huge you think i should get on so big if you started dude if you started testosterone
right now you would turn it you would look like dave bautista in i'm not even women love dave
you wouldn't turn into an ugly old man cabbage patch head
but from guardians of the galaxy where he's blue like tattoos over. You would be pro athlete big. You would be pro athlete yoked.
Don't show his face.
Yeah.
So he looks like.
Because his head looks like a penis.
So they love that.
He looks like if you cast a spell to turn a Lego man into a person.
It's like Mr. Potato Head came to life.
Look.
All right.
He's 50 something.
He's 54. He looks like Sl's 50-something. He's 54.
He looks like Slenderman on steroids.
He's looking good there.
You could literally look like that in a year with testosterone.
Holy crap.
No exaggeration at all.
That's some aggressive bicep veins.
You would be that big in a year.
Because you're already very big.
Maybe I will.
Maybe I will.
I feel like I've got some natural potential to unlock just with having a good diet then,
but maybe eventually I'll,
I'll get always with the natural potential.
Kyle,
don't you think that much muscle would actually hurt you in the dating scene?
Um,
well,
I wouldn't suggest that he,
you know,
maybe go this far.
Cause yeah,
I think like the,
the,
the prime body is more,
you know,
isn't that big but i'm just
saying i know taylor would like to be colossal it would be fun to that sort of thing and also like
you know all the compliments from from guys you would you just be getting compliments from guys
when you get that big because like a woman isn't looking at that she doesn't look at dave batista
and go look at the countless hours to build
those arms and pecs and everything.
But a guy does.
And he's like wanting to come over and talk to you at the gym.
It doesn't happen at the time.
Home gym master race.
You go to the gas station to fill up your bike.
Guys always want to talk to you.
It happens every time.
Yeah.
Yeah,
for sure.
Lots of things are like that.
And that's okay though,
you know, because I, I like when, i like when guys come up too you know and they're like oh what is this what is that finally somebody can talk to that actually appreciates this thing that i like
you know it's nice to nice to find somebody who appreciates cool shit too and then suck their
dicks you know at a denny's or something i was gonna say yeah i like anal sex you know you go
in the bathroom you come out who's to say what happened in there?
You are.
You always know.
Motorcycle trip. I'm looking
to use the bathroom. I knock on the door at the gas
station. It's busy, right?
Can't get in. All right, fine. I just work my
way through the aisles
pretending to shop as I wait for the
bathroom to empty. And then two
guys come out.
Two guys come out.
And I go in there, and the soap dispenser has spilled soap all over the floor.
I'm sure they were using it as lube.
And they looked at me as they came out.
Because I was right there.
And I'm pretty sure they were using soap as lube.
Why did they look at you like that.
What was that part?
Sort of like he's about to figure out what just
went down. Yeah.
Yeah. Maybe they were like
having rough sex and they broke the
soap dispenser because I'm
I just don't think soap makes a very
good lubricant at all.
Well, what else in the gas station
bathroom are you going to get your
jollies on? If you're showing up for gas station
anal, you're bringing your own lube.
That's true. And I bet
the kind of people who are having
anal sex in the
gas station bathroom would probably just
steal the lube that they have there next to
the cold medicine.
Are we talking about Borax kind of soap in the gas
station? No, no no it was like
high school it was a liquid hand soap you know like that stuff is slippery as shit yeah you guys
yeah well well you know i bet it would yeah but probably anti-bacterial you know what burns more
anal sex with the lube yeah and you're like at quick trip actually i'm not even gonna give it
that much credit there's no way this was as nice as quick trip no it was no name gas station i
learned i learned recently that uh all of my all of our friends um my girlfriend told me she went
to her hairdresser who's a friend of ours and she said yeah i got to uh can i tell you something
really weird um when we were when we
were at your place for that fourth of july party uh there was a bottle of dish soap in your bathroom
in your master bathroom we went in there for some reason uh and there's a bottle of dish soap in
there uh what was that all about and she goes i i don't know that must be that must be uh my boyfriend's uh
I'll ask him so she comes home and says oh I have something weird to ask you what is apparently you
had some bottle of soap in the bathroom and I'm like uh yeah it was to clean the the dog throw
up off the rug like I brought that down there with a bunch of so everybody has been
secretly gossiping since july 4th about the bottle of dish soap thinking that i'm doing weird
ass stuff in the bathroom with dish soap you're getting the palm olive you're getting the palm
olive out and and like sticking that weird nozzle that's like no other nozzle in the world up your ass. Yeah, this was the most likely.
A little green apple.
Conclusion.
Not that there was some kind of horrible spill or something that needed soap,
but that I was shoving shit up my ass.
You need to get those people need something to talk about other than,
you know, in their own fucking lives.
They come over to your life and they just see some fucking palm
olive on the floor and write a whole fucking narrative
about it. I'm on their side.
I still have my suspicions about what
Dick does with the soap. Yeah.
No, I know. I texted him right away. I said, yeah,
it was for cleaning up a dog throw up.
I'm like, well, that must be a lot of throw up.
Yes, it is. It was.
Well, the dish soap is there as a
ruse to keep you from noticing the dildo
suction cups to the side of the shower yeah
smells clean in here those two things work in concert getting away getting away with it
yeah that's i would not assume if i walked in and saw someone had dawn dish soap in their bathroom
i would just assume something negative about their hygiene
like i wouldn't assume anything i like cleaning dishes in the bathroom i don't want to i sometimes
keep dish soap in our bathroom and i would have assumed it was for the same reason
it is that if i work on motors and stuff and my hands get greasy and oily regular soap doesn't
cut grease like dish soap does i don't understand how soaps really work but
dawn palm olive like it gets grease and oil off your hands yeah that's why they use it on the
ducks for yeah for spills and shit although i think once they get a certain amount of oil on
them like no amount of scrubbing that off is like you can take dawn all day but like it burns their
feathers away before you can wipe it off.
You think so?
It burns them all out.
Yeah.
You can't just cover an animal in oil and be like,
I'll get back to you.
It's going to die. It's huge.
I couldn't see myself on that beach scrubbing a fucking duck.
Oh, absolutely not.
I'm not going to help.
Birds are assholes.
Maybe a seal.
I'd scrub a seal.
No, they have the entire ocean
and they're swimming into oil.
That was their beach!
They lived there on that beach and it got oiled up.
Oh no, the one beach in the ocean.
They can't just
bop down a mile?
Exxon Valdez drops
144 million barrels
of oil into
a harbor and Taylor's like,
you should have been in South America, you fuck.
Yeah, swim.
Hey, what's this? It burns! Turn around.
Swim away.
You know, like if you walked
into, like Kyle, if you were walking
into your kitchen and you
encountered
sarin gas,
you'd turn around immediately. This isn't
Syria. How did this get here?
You'd bounce right out of there. This isn't
the Tokyo subway. There's not usually
nerve gas in my kitchen.
Yeah, it's just a lot of
animals playing into that victim culture.
They want to be a victim.
Except right-wing beaches.
Yeah, so they can tweet about it.
All those lefty ducks.
That could be a good right-wing grift.
We were talking about something environmental.
We sell, like, wildly expensive meat.
Anti-walk sand.
For every steak you buy, we burn one.
Because fuck the environment.
Yeah.
Just something like that.
It's a gay cow butcher.
Taylor's Wasteful Meat Co.
We burn the steak.
Here at Spot Company Meats,
we waste an enormous amount of product
because fuck the laugh.
You know, that's what we do.
You get one steak per cow.
One steak per cow.
Yeah.
It's like where they they shave down the
whole tree into a two by four instead of i bet you could you just surgically remove like a slice
of filet mignon from a cow and then stitch him back up and he'd be okay and then come back a
few months later and it'd grown back and just get that slice out again could i have forever cow
you can't do that genius why not taylor who not, Taylor? What are you, the cow police?
Because if I went into Kyle's thigh and removed part of his quad
and then chained him back up to the radiator,
I'm not going to have a new thigh steak in a month.
I promise not to chain in the cows to the radiators.
All right, Taylor, counterpoint.
I tore my ACL.
The doctor harvests my patella tendon right it's like from the kneecap
to your shin bone and uh and then he makes an acl out of that and he says woody this thing grows
back as a matter of fact if you tear your acl again in four years i can re-harvest the same
patella tendon the same section that i removed i'll use that to fix you four years from now or whatever it is, five years.
I think you can regrow
some quad. Just don't take too much.
You know,
that's all I needed.
I'm sold, Woody. That was a good argument.
I think you're right. You just need to be tactful
about the amount of quad you would remove.
Yeah. I'll be tactful.
You couldn't do
filet mignon, though, because that's surrounding its spine, right? I mean, I'll be tactful. You couldn't do filet mignon, though,
because that's surrounding its
spine, right?
I mean, I'll be careful.
Yeah.
You'd have to start with a less
important cut. It will probably be paralyzed,
which will only make the meat more tender
next time we harvest.
Yeah. He's thinking ahead.
He's playing on another level.
This isn't a person. We're not worried about mobility or happiness or any of that stuff.
Like, oh, will the cow be able to play tennis?
Probably not.
But we'll be able to go back in in a year, get another fuck, maybe a ribeye next time.
I'd rather do that than the lab-grown meat.
Well, yeah.
There's no way that's going to taste good.
If there's no suffering, then you can't enjoy yourself
thoroughly at the table why is it so much more humane to kill a cow and eat all of it than to
just wound a cow repeatedly at least the cows alive you harvest the cow slowly over time you
don't go to a berry bush and say all right pull it up by the root. Let's take it back to camp. No, you pick a few berries.
You come back next year.
Look at that, more berries.
This is how we should be growing beef.
See, we got used to killing the animals because our ancestors had to,
but now we've got them.
We do whatever the fuck we want to them.
Yeah.
We've got medical science.
If we do it like the cartel does, we can inject them with amphetamines
so they can't pass out from the pain.
Whatever we want.
Well, let's see what Google...
Can you cut pieces off a cow
and let it regrow for infinite food?
Let's see.
No!
You're going to look that up?
Fucking earthworm cow hybrid.
No, you can't do that.
You can't!
You just have to work it up, Taylor.
Well, you never know.
Look, some retards on Reddit are talking about it.
Let's cut Redditors off and let them regrow.
Oh, I'm down.
All right, so one thing we know for sure.
All right, let's back up from cows.
Let's say I've got an iguana.
I cut its leg off and I eat it.
It grows a new leg.
I eat that one.
I'm not eating lizards.
Right? So I just need to get some iguana DNA, I eat that one. I'm not eating lizards. Right?
So I just need to get some iguana DNA into this cow
so he'll grow back some musculature.
You could do that for an iguana tail,
but I don't think they regrow other stuff.
Like little lizards and stuff grow whole arms and stuff back.
Lobsters grow everything back.
Every time they molt their shell,
new arms, new claws, new fucking antenna. I think they grow eyeballs back. What time they molt their shell, new arms, new claws, new fucking antenna.
I think they grow eyeballs back.
What? What are they?
What are they when they molt? Like
worms? What do they look like?
I think there's a new shell forming under
the old shell, and the old shell's gonna
slough off in a brand new and fancy shell.
Okay, if that's true, then
the lobster's your best idea
for this so far, because you're not gonna get a bunch of people eating lizards i bet i just break it i just keep
breaking its claws off and eating them and he just keeps growing them back yeah if they if they really
are regrowing those big giant lobster claws yeah that's a good idea it's five years though i am oh
well fuck that's that's not ideal yeah i'm gonna need a lot of lobsters how often do you have lobster
though not that often crabs better yeah it's like snow crab regrow if you could like break off like
four legs i don't even like lobster i really wanted this to be a cow can we make a cow
lobster hybrid so that it grows its hoofs back and it can be whatever you want never ending
sirloin it worked in jurassic park did it they combined like some frogs and some dinosaurs and made animals
and it allowed the dinosaurs to change sex like frogs do
and i think the lesson of that movie was that it didn't work specifically
it worked really well. Or I think that they worked too well. They're just unintended consequences. Oh, it worked in Jurassic Park.
Yeah.
I think we have different definitions of success.
You're wanting to say...
It worked in Frankenstein, you know.
You're right.
I think Jurassic Park was about man's arrogance.
Sounds good, though.
And about how one guy with a goofy cane thought he could conquer...
One guy's arrogance is another guy's
can-do attitude i think he made dinosaurs i i feel the whole thing is a win he didn't do
shit newman made the dinosaurs the guy with the amber stick was basically steve jobs newman was
made the dinosaurs yeah whoa henry fellow yep mr woo well newman helped you know newman was the
security guy he was the computer guy it guy yeah yeah well enough so he sold him out he was he was
he was he shuts the security down and he sneaks out the embryos to sell them like
the private market to that guy met you know before we got thompson
see nobody cares yeah that's what jurassic 2 should have been directly about the hunt for
that shaving cream thing and private company like you should have three or four private companies
all sending their teams in and so dr grant is getting approached by all the their teams in. And so Dr. Grant is getting approached by all the different teams. And he's saying, no, no, no.
And the last team is so scary.
So they have such little regard for human life
that he's like, I can't let this happen.
I gotta go.
Not for the dinosaurs, but to help our, you know,
fucking Jeff Goldblum, who's tagged along,
doesn't know that these guys are evil.
They made some horseshit.
Jeff Goldblum did not bring anything to the table.
You didn't think so? I love him. love him no no not from the actor point like why he was there i didn't understand like he was
there he was there to try and fuck that blonde girl before they saw the brontosaurus yeah he
was trying to cut dr grant so fucking hard the water drips off your hand wait were they husband
wife am i they're they're like a couple though
like dr grant he's this close to dropping the k word like he's mad
sam sam neil or whatever his name is
he's like running his hand up and down or inside of her wrist and shit, talking about water
droplets and the fucking
whatever, the butterfly theory and all that shit.
Chaos theory. Talking about sexuality.
Microscopic.
Yeah, that guy was about to get strangled
right there in that Ford Explorer.
I would
100% I mean, obviously
I wouldn't go to Jurassic Park after the news
spread that it was a total capitalism failure. I'mlor being all jurassic park it would be totally on on brand for taylor to
be like i've never seen this that's the dinosaur i have seen jurassic park but i like would you guys
go i would go to jurassic park i would 100 go i like the zoo i know it's kind of cruel sometimes
and so a lot of the time it's not cruel. Lizards, they're happy to be there.
It's like a snake house, but everything.
You don't give a shit. I would kill one.
If they would like...
100%. They're reptiles.
They're retarded. Who cares?
I would love to hunt raptors.
That's what it should have been about.
I did like that they turned raptors into
attack dogs later on and had
what's his name?
Chris Pratt doing.
Yeah.
Chris Pratt doing the whole crocodile Dundee shit.
Velociraptors are not a cool dinosaur.
Like they set the anchor so high.
Well,
in the original movie,
they looked huge and cool.
And then in the new one,
they're like,
actually the Velociraptors were totally bitch made little chicken sized things.
And so they went from cleverly
leaping around entire kitchens
in that hotel and
spying to just being kind
of dumb little
minions. I would go to
see dinosaurs because that's such a cool fucking
thing. I think everybody grew up
and loved dinosaurs one way or another
at some point. They should have made
the flying dinosaurs. That was a huge mistake.
Huge error. Huge error.
Let's keep them on the ground where we can see them.
No water ones, because they're
going to go in and kill the sharks and fuck up seals
and ruin the environment. No flying
ones, obviously. Just keep terrestrial
dinosaurs wouldn't be enough. The silliest
one, and they made it up for the movie even, I think.
I don't think it's in the book. The one that
spits the acid in Newman's face. that tarry acid and he's like that didn't exist i guess there's
no way that was real yeah and if it was they wouldn't have any way of knowing that the
sulfurosaur or some some nonsense yeah there's no way that's a good point i didn't consider that
kyle you can't tell that sort of thing by bones very well yeah i mean maybe yeah
you would so anyway as far as i would definitely go to any kind of a jurassic park that there was
it would be worth like people pay it was 10 million i think back in the day to go up on mere
uh or to go up with that russian you know uh soyuz thing it'd be worth way more than 10 million to
see dinosaurs and that's the point.
Dr. Grant, or whoever it is,
the fucking old man with the cane.
I'm not making a part for the ultra
rich. And the other guy is
Hammond. And the other guy's like, we'll have a
coupon day or something. Don't worry.
But he's like, no, it'll
be mostly for the ultra rich. Because you would.
You'd pay. He even says it there.
Isn't he walking down like a... $10, day whatever you charge he's like walking down a marble staircase
while he says that perhaps i don't recall with his with his they're in the projector room seeing
the ads for it like disneyland man you you really remember jurassic Yeah, I got a problem. We went to a dinner show where it was like an improv comedy song adaptation of Jurassic Park.
You eat and then they come out and do the whole movie, like singing.
And their version of Jeff Goldblum brings this old man up on stage from the audience to do that.
It's because of imperfections in your...
Microscopic, microscopic.
It was really funny.
And then he groped her.
And then COVID happened.
They stopped doing it.
All that art lost.
They do a point break thing, too.
I think it's the same group where they take a random guy.
In order to simulate Keanu Reeves' acting ability.
They take a random guy out of the audience
and they show him his lines on cards
while all the people are acting the movie out super seriously.
Well, that's what I want.
He just is supposed to read them.
Poor Keanu Reeves.
His worst acting's got to be Dracula.
I just re-watched that the other day.
Of course, our boy put it on the Plex server
we all share, and I watched it again.
It's like, so bad.
And it wouldn't be so bad,
but Gary Oldman's across from him
killing it, trying so hard
to be Dracula. And he's like,
Dracula, it's such an honor
to be at your house, bro.
It's off. He has
a surfer thing, but he's trying to do an english
accent and just feel bad it's like duck man's uh oldest stupid son dad wow but he's god he's got
to be the most beloved hollywood actor that i can i can think of you always hear about him giving up
his whole salary so that like the the people who fucking i don't know did the wardrobe down to the guy moving boxes
get some huge bonus or something you mean yeah i hate that shit i'd rather like celebrities just
try to fuck each other over as much as possible so he's like yeah fuck yeah everyone hates that
guy good uh yeah he's way worse than me that's like that would be like a nice gift you know he's the
anti-steven seagal like everyone loves keanu reeves and everyone hates steven seagal well
who's like an i don't know much about the actor like actors reputations who's a really shitty guy
who's a great actor who's like known for being difficult um edward norton edward he's great i
liked him in moon nobody's movie yeah but you don't see him that's not edward norton edward he's great i liked him in moon nobody's movie yeah but you don't see him
that's not edward norton and moon that's um that's a different actor i'm like 99 sure edward
norton's american history x he was the original hulk like he's supposed to be the guy in mark
ruffalo's shoes doing all those avenger movies and whatever the fuck making all that money but
he's difficult to work with, so Mark
Ruffalo's doing that. Oh, that's
Sam Rockwell. Damn, I don't know anybody.
Yeah. Alright, well then I guess
I don't know if I like that guy
you mentioned in.
Yeah, it's American History X guy.
He's known as just a piece of shit, and people don't like to
work with him, but so is Steven Seagal,
and he's a lot more funny to hate because he's a bad
actor too, and he runs like, you ever seen him run run he has this weird sort of sashay run that he does with
his hands it's like this but he's all serious with his ponytail and his receding hairline
like it's it's real bad you when i got on the plex i was scrolling past and i saw all of those
i saw glimmer man and all of those movies that you guys referenced on the show i have not watched
a steven seagal movie in ever.
And so I would need to pick.
I've never seen one.
I don't think.
Under Siege.
Under Siege is his best movie.
It's a genuinely good movie.
Watch that one.
I know it is.
I told him to put it on there.
Watch that one.
It's his best movie.
And then The Glimmer Man is just awful.
It's terrible.
I've talked about it before,
but it's when he's in real life
that the man Steven Seagal is going through this Buddhist thing
where the Dalai Lama has just ordained him to be a deity of some kind.
And he took it seriously.
And so.
Oh, you told me this.
Yeah.
So he told the director, he's like, I can't kill.
I'm not going to kill anymore in movies.
And they're like, we're about to fill in the scene where you kill the bad guy, Steven, the one who torture murders your wife, the one who's been killing all these people the whole movie.
You had to get tricked into it.
And then he changed his mind yeah they told the actor to like convince steven to kill
him and so the actor is like steven you'd be letting me release from this body and be reincarnated
so that i'm begging you to free me from this body so shoot me and he changed his mind even after he
filmed it it was like if you if you have me kill him in the movie, I'm out.
I'm not doing any press.
No, no this, no that, the other.
And so they make the actor go back in ADR.
Bearing in mind, Steven Seagal shoots him in the chest, and his heart explodes into us.
It's like squibs.
It's like Robocop with the squibs.
Boom, heart explodes.
Meat's flying out of him.
Falls over at the altar because this is all happening in a cathedral.
They add ADR.
Come back here and finish me off,
you son of a bitch.
It's like, that dude is so dead.
Steven's the worst.
What a piece of shit.
And then he's real rapey.
I think he's got lots of sexual assault charges.
I think he was holding some assistant hostage in his house.
Not hostage, more prisoner than anything.
Yeah, that's the same.
Yeah, that's cool.
That's what I want out of celebrities.
Well, with a hostage, you let people know that you've got the person and they do this
or you do that. That is true.
I would much
rather be held hostage than held
prisoner. You're goddamn right you would.
Because if you're held prisoner, you're with someone
who's probably done this before.
I don't know.
Yeah.
I'm chained to a support beam in the basement.
There are who knows how many people right now are chained in basements being held prisoner in the United States, not even in the scary countries.
I mean, at least every now and then.
Even listening to this show, their captor might be listening to you guys right now.
Yeah, I guarantee it.
Dude, some guy's got like a hose putting water in a bucket, like humming.
He's got his AirPods in.
Another great day.
He's walking in.
He's moving the books, the false shelf.
He's hosing.
I can't believe Taylor's seen Jurassic Park
hosing him up.
Man, I love this show.
It's a great podcast.
It puts the lotion
on the skin
or it gets the hose again.
God damn,
Taylor's funny.
What's the best way
to trap someone
in your basement?
How would you secure them?
Based on movies,
chaining someone to a support pole,
kind of like Saw, seems like a good idea.
You make a pit, so you dig an even deeper hole in your basement.
You're ruining your house.
No, you're not.
I'm out of a pit.
How do you keep me in a pit?
You're selling the house we murder people in the basement in?
All right, Mr. Great Escape.
How are you getting all of this dirt out of your basement?
You're putting your pants, walking around the neighborhood, dropping it out?
Have you seen Shawshank Redemption?
Yes.
He just referenced it.
There you go.
I'm dropping it down my pants leg while I play baseball in the backyard with the guys.
I think if you dug a pit, I mean, we're hairless apes.
You would have to chain us in it.
You guys are overthinking it.
You just tell them you're gonna kill their their parents or
their daughter or something if they run then you don't have to chain them to shit i still like the
breaking bad with the u-bolt around the neck and the support pole do you guys remember how we did
it oh yeah yeah but that was like more trouble than it's worth you're gonna keep him there
yeah he wasn't he wouldn't be able to shit in that position or like piss well you'd have a
guy covered in shit and piss he's, making your whole house smell bad.
No, it would be a problem when he's chained up in your shitty basement.
I'm a chamber pot.
I've got your answer perfectly.
If you go watch Cobweb tonight,
you'll see how they hide people in the basement of one of the houses
that you'll see, and they have a hidden room
where you don't even know where the basement door is.
It's behind a big appliance.
And it's a little door.
It's not even a real people door.
And then in the basement, which is concrete,
there's a square hole that goes down, say, 15, 20 feet.
It's bricked along the edges.
So it's a smooth brick wall all the way down
to a concrete floor.
And you're just down there.
There's no getting out of there.
How much lead time do you need to kidnap somebody like this is insane just like chain are you want to
kidnap somebody today look if i'm going to be a professional kidnapper i've got all kinds of
time you're coming across as an amateur preparing for the job you're gonna be eating it up down
there digging the hole enjoy the journey you never know when it's gonna when the feeling's
gonna hit you again you see that perfect girl or guy, and you're like, I got to have him now.
I don't have all this time to set up a dungeon and stuff.
I can't let him go.
I got to act.
I saw the perfect woman at the mall today, but fucking Steve is stringing me along.
He said it was a three-week project for two months in.
You can't trust contractors.
You can't trust contractors.
You're like, no, you're definitely not going to be the first guy.
Like somebody else will kidnap her.
You better finish your goddamn pit or you go to the bottom.
Every single kidnapping movie, which is where I have all of my kidnapping knowledge about,
you chain someone to a radiator, you chain them to a support beam,
you do not dig enormous expensive holes in your basement like a retard,
and you just have i don't know now
you're you're in thousands of dollars like i don't know how you actually chain a person effectively
in real life like do you have shackles yes you buy a chain do you have a 20-foot hole do you have
all the the i got a how do we how do we do slavery like we we've had this figured out for
thousands of years people have been shackled.
Do you have any Negro shackles?
And they'd be like, what's that?
Kyle, I don't know.
Go to the Renaissance Fair.
I don't know for sure that Kyle has handcuffs,
but I think the smart money is Kyle has a pair of handcuffs nearby.
I have handcuffs, but you can't exist in handcuffs,
and they're very uncomfortable.
And eventually, if you really want out of them,
you'll just debunk yourself.
I picture them being pink and fuzzy. That's's lame why would they be pink and fuzzy that shit don't
work you put them on a four-foot chain attached to a support pole in the middle of your basement
they can't reach anything essentially you put a bucket near there and if they poop in the bucket
and use it vindictively to like spill you stop giving them food i'm sorry you're not going to
get to make shit anymore until you learn
to poop in the bucket i just think attaching a chain to a person and then being able to like go
to because we want to be able to go to work with a person chained in our basement right that's the
end goal i think to be like yeah they're down there so the idea of just a chain and a and a
shackle being all that's between them and and getting out would be good. You need like bars or something in addition.
They should be able to move around the room freely.
You just got to build a cell.
Actually, building a cell is much easier than that pit shit.
Yeah, you build a cell like in Walking Dead
when the guy built the cell to starve that man to death.
A cell and a chain.
Like chain them kind of to the corner of the cell.
The chain's like if you better be cool in the cell or we'll attach you to the chain i don't see how does
it attach to me and like you don't want to know why do you think that like it's so easy i can tear
those apart like yeah those are not even real those are like what you'd get in a costume shop
like yeah you think you guys could escape from those i would love to see you both of you tear out through those
absolutely absolutely i feel like i could do this and like do that and break or i could definitely
twist at them but but that's not real metal kyle i'm curious why you think like why do you think
it would be easy to get out of a chain and shackle like on your ankle you can't reach anything because
you're going to be starving they're going to be losing weight getting skinnier and skin first of all shackles don't
what do you get a shackle like i from the renaissance fair yeah they don't sell shackles
at the renaissance absolutely do i've been to renaissance they sell all sorts of things they
sell prisoner grade shacklery at the renaissance fair They sell swords. No. You can buy prison
irons online. If you go to
extremerstraints.com, they probably got some.
You answered your own question.
What I'm saying is they're not effective for long-term use.
If you're going to keep someone, you've got to
build a cage. You can't just
attach them to something. It's going to get...
Just marry them.
Just marry them and chain them.
We want to confine them.
Not ourselves. Reverse psychology. just marry them and chain them we want to we want to confine them not ourselves yeah
psychology
big's fucked it up and chained himself down somehow
yeah i saw actually i saw one of the other did you see the woman they rescued the other day and
she was chained to the floor of the place she had a she had a collar on with a chain attached
and it was attached to the floor. And the cops come in.
It's all body cam.
And they're like cutting the chains off of her
and getting her out of there.
Oh, my God.
How long was she chained up?
Was she hot?
I don't know.
And I think it was blurred.
That's the only thing that matters.
Was she hot enough to chain?
Okay.
I don't know.
I don't know.
At least seven or eight face you know because
she was a i didn't ask about her face kyle did you think i was asking if she was pretty
she was just a blur but and then remember antoine dodson or whatever he's climbing in you know
that's the other guy that's the guy the climbing your window that's the hide your kids hide your
wife guy yeah yeah but then there was the other guy that was like i knew something was wrong when a pretty little white girl ran
into a black man's arms that's when um that those little that white girl escaped from the basement
of that house where she'd been held for like two years and ran up to the black guy was like help me
and then he did the one of those news interviews that just got memefied forever and turned into
songs and stuff you remember that no what i'm saying is lots of women are held captive right now and men i'm supposed you know
in basements and stuff all around it's mostly women yeah it's mostly women yes i think that's
i think kidnappers want someone physically weaker because they are kidnappers not just that like
i think they don't have to kidnap a man to get him to fuck you. You can just ask him.
Yeah.
Ask that guy that you the kidnapper.
I can't imagine kidnappers are doing well in social situations.
Right.
Or maybe they do very, very well.
Well, how bad do you think they're doing?
Do you think you could be better than a kidnapper at a party of people you don't know?
As long as he doesn't break out a bunch of stories I can't compete with.
Like, you probably got a lot of good you don't know? As long as he doesn't break out a bunch of stories I can't compete with. Probably got a lot of good
stories as a kidnapper.
He does.
Dude, you find a kidnapper at a party, you
park yourself right next to him. He's going to have the best
stories.
Like the proctologist.
I think that
chaining
is definitely the best move.
I don't know why you think escaping from chains is some easy thing.
Chains are so tried and true.
I guess I've just seen so much David Blaine that I've just lost all respect for the chain.
Now that would be an expert-level kidnapper, someone who targets magicians in the sleight of hand.
Artist.
Oh, yeah. it's magicians and the sleight of hand he's got like a
magneto thing in his basement
that he built over 40 years
you can't escape from my real shackles
that I got from the St. Louis
Renaissance Fair
no hold your fucking breath for 10 minutes
and then I'll let you go let's see it home. Let me go. No, hold your fucking breath for ten minutes.
Let's see it.
Because I just need one black person here to watch me perform this magic
and I can get out. That's how his
magic works.
It's always the leader.
You need a true believer.
He's a true believer.
You need someone to believe.
And the mailman comes up knock knock knock oh here he is
mail that was funny like uh like the old david blaine chris angel things where they'd be like
we're about to mind freak and they walk past like three groups of asian people together
because they know they know who's going to give them the good reactions, the funny reactions.
Yeah.
Have you seen the bit where it's not even a bit?
It's like Popeye's or somebody did five dollar eight piece chicken mirrors, which is a crazy good deal.
Right.
But they didn't buy enough chicken.
So there's this huge line of people who are like what you mean there ain't no chicken
and and the news reporter is going from person to person everybody is incensed they're talking like
what kind of idiot your job is chicken it's all you do they're so mad always and then they get
to a white guy and he's like oh they're out of chicken huh is there mcdonald's around? Oh, you're right there. Oh, well. Oh, they were having a deal?
I wasn't aware.
Well, so long.
Then they cut to another black guy.
So long.
I did not know about that.
I didn't know there was a reckoning
for Popeyes not having...
If you're gonna have a big deal like
that you better have enough food remember when did the sandwiches i think it was popeyes that
came out with like their new crispy chicken sandwich and maybe they sold them for three
fucking dollars or something like that it was a problem because they eventually had run out of
sandwiches they only got so many you know and then it really is scary outside because people are like
are you disrespecting me by selling
all the chicken? It's like, no, not at all. We just ran out.
I'm taking this as a personal thing
here. Oh, I think I
might have to kill right now. Oh, sir,
please. It was just a chicken sandwich tomorrow.
There is no tomorrow.
I had my heart set
on this sandwich.
I watch a lot of police activity. I was watching
a guy today sitting there on the Metro bus with a big old Rambo knife.
And he was like, there is no tomorrow.
And then he finally came with the cops.
It was kind of fucked up because when he came with the cops, they did that thing where they all shoot him.
Right.
And he goes down and he gets back up and the cops don't know that we he's not really coming at us.
Do we keep shooting?
And then one of we all miss and shoot him like four times when he's not even coming at us. Do we keep shooting? Did we all miss?
And shoots him like four times when he's not even
looking at him and kills him.
That police activity channel is one of the
darkest corners of the internet.
It's completely unmonetized so they
can get away with uploading that shit, but it's just
one person dying after another
after another. Eight videos a day.
Eight videos a day of the cops killing people.
It's wild. You shouldn't be watching it all day.
But see, that's also where I found the cop
in the dog bar.
That was a cute one.
The cops, ruff, ruff, ruff, and the kids
come out and it's all, ho, ho, ho, and that's the end.
Nobody died that one.
Do you ever want that one to be in those
police training courses? Yeah, they're always
saying cops need more training. I just
imagine a classroom of uniformed
officers.
Be great.
More timber!
Make me believe
your dog. I would want
to be a canine cop
if I was a cop. You want the dog
with you? I'd want the dog with me, yeah.
I would 100%
want a dog. I'd want a person first if it's
either solo a dude a dog or a lady i think i go solo solo then dude then dog then lady because
the lady's a problem like she's gonna make things harder for me it'd be easier if it was just me and
i you ever try to lift a tv and it's you and someone who can't lift the other side of the tv way harder than just lifting a tv okay now you're trying to fight a guy now try to fight
a man in the street and it's you and a girl it's back i can't i can't i hit you again are you okay
he's choking me get him off me oh you shot me why'd you shoot me
yeah she's gonna pull out a taser
and put two in the back of your head as you're rolling around dick what kind of cop would you
want to be uh a bad one one that's like doesn't do anything that just sits there i'd rather i'd
like to be a speed trap cop who just sits in their car and does i want to be that cop i saw
on tiktok today getting his dick sucked
so it's real it's a huge story you may not have seen yeah this i saw this cop is caught on two
different angles there are people in the apartments in front of his car and behind he's parked suv
he gets out big white guy cop and like kind of is real flirty with this little black chick
and then it's like like handsy with her and then opens the back of cop of the cop car she gets in and then he gets in and they close the door
it's a big story it's real how does he get out of the back of a cop car i guess he didn't lock
her up or you know he's got the clicker or something i how do they even how long door
handles an suv you know it's like it depends, they've got door handles. It depends on the cop car.
I've always been.
That's the one I went in.
Yeah, I was mostly a crab bitch.
Are you rocking any blue chew?
It sucks.
He may have been.
Wait, so how long were they in the back of the car?
Like a blowjob amount of time?
You know, the video's 45 seconds long, so they don't get out.
So, yeah.
They never get out of the car.
So, yeah.
That's way too actually
i'd like to be one of those campus police officers you remember them just walking around bossing kids
around hitting your club on the lockers you know guys got any goofballs over here huh i want to be
one of those police officers the kind that cruise around and and just stay by the shore and help other boats
in trouble. I think that'd be fun.
Coast Guard?
They have Marine Police.
I think Coast Guard would be cool
because you... That's not a cop, though.
You get all the respect
of law enforcement. Free drinks.
Pussy.
Steve. Coast Guard, huh?
Dude, those guys slay.
Some of them do like drug interdiction
or something like that. Interdiction.
And they get to do like quasi
special forces shit and
then get to still like not have to go
to a scary desert country and get their
you know. Right. And then they're home every night.
Yeah. Coast Guard people sleep in their
own houses. That's kind of. Yeah. Generally night. Coast Guard people sleep in their own houses.
Yeah, generally.
Navy people sleep somewhere else.
What about internal affairs?
I'd be good at that, busting other cops. Oh, they'd love you.
Oh, yeah.
You'd just be antagonizing them.
You can't shoot me, officer.
Guess what?
I'm drinking right now.
Officer problem?
No, you're fine.
You're one of the good ones.
So you play mind games with them all day.
The precinct would be from internal affairs.
You'd be hated by the cops.
Touch all their faces all the time.
Come here.
Come over here.
Look at you.
Look at this guy.
Look at you. That's not a regulation haircut. Come here. Come over here. Look at you. Look at this guy. Look at you.
That's not a regulation haircut.
That's not a regulation haircut.
Why are you touching the police?
I'm confused.
Why do you touch them?
Who are you going to call?
FBI?
I don't think so.
Do whatever I want.
I'm internal affairs.
I know how this works.
And guess what?
They call the FBI.
I'm the internal affairs FBI guy.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah. I heard my buddy
Dick was ruffling some feathers.
That's my big promotion at the end of the movie.
And then we hit up the CIA.
Internal affairs guy.
It's Kyle.
He's come down. We're ruining the country
one position of power at a time.
Oh,
speaking of ruining the country,
what's his name? The guy that looks like a turtle mitch
mcconnell he's totally having a full-on stroke the other day right yeah that was great once
it happened once and and i don't think it's excusable even once but stroke at once everybody
has a weird moment every now and it's like ah maybe his was caught on camera maybe he doesn't
frequently go into fugue states but it happening twice in front of the camera means it's happening
all the fucking time he's shutting down and is unresponsive like all day all day it must be
happening if they've caught it twice at press conferences yeah you know like come on yeah
jesus christ i love the press's reaction they're just like in they're just like staring in silence
like you guys aren't at church you're supposed supposed to say something like, hey, what the fuck is going on?
Why is this senator doing this?
Can somebody please fucking explain why this asshole is in the Senate?
Why is everyone pretending like this is acceptable or normal or tolerable at all?
This guy shouldn't run a lemonade stand.
Like, somebody say something.
That's what it should be.
Somebody say something here.
His office released an official statement, and i wish i could get the exact quote but it was fishy as fuck to me they listed the things it's asinine they listed the things that he doesn't
have so they're like rest assured mitch mcconnell does not have hiv or multiple sclerosis he's
gonna finish out his term and i'm like but but but he's got something
whoa that leads a lot of doors open for what's wrong with mitch mcconnell it's like
sooner than 2025 if i had a talk if i was like a tucker carlson or somebody i'd have a 30 minute
show every night called what's wrong with mitch and we just make shit up about you know it could
be a sort of a Manchurian candidate
situation gone wrong I think
I think for sure yeah some sort of CIA
black book type situation they fried
his mind that
is an old while that he's a that
he's a leader and that he's making decisions that
matter there's like five of these
fuckers that are barely
alive stroking what do they do with
Feinstein then they do
something with feinstein no i think she's still serving i think they exhumed her
i love the idea that they have to find something for us to know about like well guys here we've
got news from the doctor i don't even need fucking news from the doctor i saw that what
happened there yeah get him out of there you can't do it you can't do it and i don't even
know what it is but i promise you we can't.
He can't drive heavy machinery.
Get him out.
Republicans and Democrats both have people who are too old
for their jobs.
And just not with it anymore.
They should be able to tell me what kind of pudding they want.
If you can't tell me what flavor pudding you want,
sir, you're out.
I have higher expectations.
Would you trust them to drive? That know what last chance would you trust them to
drive that's my line would you trust them to drive would you put mcconnell behind a wheel
biden trump finds i like this system yeah all women ineligible for congress
the masterson solution would you watch them opening your car door?
Get rid of them.
Would you loan them? That's a good reference.
Yeah.
Would you watch them opening your car door?
Every fucking time I've ever...
Every time a woman ever opens a car door in my presence,
I'm like,
let's see how she handles this.
I've seen girls,
and it'll be their car,
but they'll just whip that bitch open,
and I'm like... Oh, oh man you didn't even look if there was a parking meter there or anything
anything could have been there you know or like it hits the it hits the end of the rocker and
i'm like i know that you didn't know it would hit the end of the rocker like that you are
lucky it didn't flip over and then hit that brick wall
yeah i i don't like that i don't like that at all little dents on cars hurt me um and
curbed wheels curbed wheels on a girl's car is usually a good indication too i hear you know
maybe sometimes i bet mitch mcconnell's car is a there's no if he's got feelers on those little things that guy's hitting every single
curb at the drive-thru just slam probably not a great line for them catching strays here kyle
none of these guys drive though obama joe buck like pulled that like like if, if a sports announcer was like the pit and then just like, didn't say
anything for nine seconds, like ESPN would have a call with that guy and be like, we, we cut to you
in the booth and you're alarming people watching the baseball game, Mr. Buck, like, are you all
right? We're going to, you know, we're going to send you in having an all just look at you.
Cause when you're calling a baseball game, you shouldn't have 20 seconds of silence as you drool on yourself.
What's a job that you can just, like, for 20 seconds?
For this one, if one of us was in the middle of a sentence.
Yeah, I take it back. You can't do it.
People would know.
It would be bizarre.
And if Woody went into a fugue state, we'd state we'd be like all right zach would you stop stop stop
let's stop um what are you okay like really we'd have to stop and check on woody we wouldn't
continue yeah like woody you gotta call somebody does anybody have another question
that one was a stumper are you running again man. That was a real fucking brain buster, clearly.
His staff.
Something about colors, maybe.
His staff seemed to be really, like, I don't know, with it and used to this situation.
Like, they were like, all right, it's happening again.
I wonder how often it happens.
Because he's not on camera most of the time.
If it happened twice on camera, it must have happened 30 times off camera.
You could see Feinstein's
staffers,
more like nurses at this
point, wheeling her around.
It's like, that lady has a diaper bag.
They've got a bottle.
Not a bottle, but
they've got bags of supplies.
Can you imagine the changing table that they flip her
up on? They just go in the gas station and flop Dianne Feinstein up on that thing.
How strong are those things?
All right, Senator, it's time.
Can a grown man sit on the koala tables for changing babies?
Are they that strong?
I don't think you should tell me.
I mean, the adult baby diaper wearers of America petitioned a few years ago
to increase the standards.
And so, yes, they all have to be able to support a full-grown 250-pound infant.
That's the way America's going.
I guess a full-grown infant, it sounds technically correct to me.
Thank you.
A fully-grown infant.
You mean a man?
Yes, I'm changing a grown man oh it supports 200 pounds
well Feinstein will be fine
guess who can sit on
the baby changing station again
this guy
put that on your
tinder profile must be able
to lay on a baby changing
station
with me what dating Must be able to lay on a baby changing station. Yeah. Yeah.
With me.
What dating apps do you find yourself utilizing the most these days, Taylor?
Is it, as I suggested, that perhaps Tinder is the more raunchy of the sites, whereas Bumble or Hinge lean more toward serious relationships? I mean lean more toward, you know, the serious relationship.
I mean,
I have,
I have all three of those.
Those are the only three I have,
but those are the classy ones.
There's definitely,
there's a vibe to hinge that it's,
that it's a little more serious that everybody,
but then on Tinder,
it does not feel that way really.
And you,
yeah,
you get some,
some interesting,
I feel like the average girl on hinge is like a
dental assistant and the average girl on tinder is a whore every once in a while you see a bio
that's just like shocking where it's like i'm looking in the profile are there hot singles in
my area that want to fuck for real? Is that what Tinder is?
That's Adult Friend Finder.
And that is also a real thing, I thought.
Adult Friend Finder?
That doesn't even sound like a dating app.
That just sounds like a hookup app, even more than Tinder.
I think so.
I thought it was just those porn ads you get sometimes on the internet.
Like, are you looking for horny singles near you?
There's the funny one.
It's like, who do they think I am? They're like like there's ugly grannies near you that want to fuck it's like i'm not looking for ugly grannies
all the ads are for other 50 year olds and i'm like this is just disheartening
that's your girl that's uh that's my favorite older than Lisa Ann.
She is the Sarah Palin lookalike.
Like way too big titties for your liking.
But she did that porno called Nalin Palin
where she does the full Sarah Palin get up
and she fucks a couple Ruskies
who've come across the border.
Eh?
Is that really what that is?
You can see in her backyard. Well, that's how it begins. That's the first scene. She fucks a couple Ruskies who've come up come across the border a is that really what that is you can see in her
backyard she fucks well that's how it begins that's the first scene she she fucks a couple
ruskies i think she goes on and i think there's like a um um who's i'm forgetting who ran that
year against obama uh john mccain there's like a john mccain look i think they get everybody
worked in she probably fucks an obama look-alike by the end you know she makes the rounds it's a
long mccain look-alike i don't like that well you rounds. It's a long movie. A McCain look-alike. I don't like that. Well, you know,
just a bald guy with a big dick, really.
That's probably what they went for.
Okay. He can't
lift his arms up over his head
when he's getting blown.
And McCain had a little cage
like Vietnam.
He couldn't lift
the one arm because, you know, the
injuries or something. They had him dangled.
They put your arms behind
your back. Now tie a rope to
your hands. Now
suspend that person like that and
leave him there for two days. That's what happened to John McCain.
I'm mixing up. Bob Dole
had that too. I thought maybe it was
only him. Bob Dole, he used to carry
a pen in his hand constantly
and it would be almost like a social excuse so he could to carry a pen in his hand constantly and it would be almost
like a social excuse so he could shake with his left because his hand was fucked up oh his arm
was fucked up you know i think i think a problem we have is that maybe our elected officials aren't
old enough i think we should have jimmy carter run again again and he can he can campaign on having 20 more years of experience than the upstart 81 year
old joe biden they vote for him like why not at this point just fuck it's that reagan answer
remember the reagan answer when they were like mr reagan you you're 20 years your opponent's
senior and he's like i will not let my opponent's inexperience be used against him in this race.
And they're like, wait, what?
It was one of the better debate lines in history.
I'm like, fuck.
And great hair, as we remembered recently.
Best president hair in the game.
Nor would zero.
Have we had a straight up... Who's the last
totally bald president we've had?
Has there ever been a totally bald president?
Eisenhower.
Did he fully
give up? I thought he almost had a little
like a stanza thing.
No, Eisenhower was like gone.
Okay. He just had like...
He had like a Captain Picard at best.
Yeah.
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And that's all the ads. I think that you wear the crown around here as far as embarrassing
poop experiences go however this week this week actually yesterday i read about a way more
embarrassing poop experience really there was a flight poor man there was a delta flight i think
to barcelona maybe out of atlanta in any case someone shit
themselves in their seat it seems and then got up and thought let me make it to the bathroom
and continued to shit themselves as they ran the length of the aircraft it's a big boy aircraft by
the way we're going to italy or whatever barcelona. Barcelona, Spain. It's in a small plane.
This person's jogging for a while,
shitting as they go.
The quote was the passenger
had diarrhea throughout
the aircraft, which created
a biohazard and a threat
to the passenger's health.
They turned around two hours into the flight,
came back,
and they had to clean
the aircraft you know everybody to get off new plane for everybody who knows what happened to
the flight but here's dude i am opening that door and jumping out i i'm i'm just so embarrassing
just leave this gonna two hours after the incident yeah at some point the captain goes
it turns out when y'all shit themselves back there we're gonna be heading on back to atlanta
how do you say sorry i shit myself in spanish am i right
none of you are gonna need to know today and then everybody who's already smelling your shit and is
like freaked out because you scared their kids while you shit the plane and everybody freaked out.
Now they're looking at you like you've ruined my vacation.
I have exactly eight days off from work.
You know, who knows?
Maybe so.
But when I turn the plane around, I feel like I got my money's worth.
How many more hours would you have to sit in a shit laden plane?
Like it must have happened right at the start of the flight.
Because it's like a six hour flight and I'm two hours in. I might be the start of the flight. Because if it's like a six-hour flight
and I'm two hours in,
I might be inclined to go the four.
Yeah, take a vote.
I'd rather just tear through it.
If it's a six-hour flight and you're two hours in,
that's cruel to turn it around.
You're already in the mix.
Give me that mortician stuff that they put on their nose
in Silence of the Lambs with dead bodies.
Just hand it out, let's go.
Yeah, they could at least make snacks,
or I guess you probably wouldn't want to eat.
I think their point would be to eat it.
Just feed everyone
on the biohazard plane.
There will be no in-flight meal.
Free red wine for the plane.
I'm going to let you know, there's not going to be
an in-flight meal.
We're going to hope that the cumulative red wine breath covers up the shit.
What would be the word?
Just like pecan pie.
Goulash.
Curry.
For dinner this evening, we have a lovely goulash with a chocolate pudding.
Did they get a picture of the person who did this?
Was it a man or a woman?
Do we know anything?
I guarantee somebody was like, this is the motherfucker right here.
This is the shit-pants motherfucker that's got me
ruining my trip to Spain.
Somebody had to have done that because they always do.
I don't know if it was a man
or a woman or a white. I don't know zero
about the perpetrator.
This is like who shot Mr. Burns.
It is, and it's going to end up
being some stupid answer like Maggie.
I bet it's not even a big, fat, obese guy, which is what I would imagine.
God, that's so embarrassing.
I know there's a picture of the shit trail.
Can we figure out how fat they are based on the wobbling of the shit trail going up to the bathroom?
There is a video of the shit trail.
When I saw the video of the shit trail, that's when I knew it was the right move to turn around
because the plane has been de- Zach, find a photo of the shit trail. We can't knew it was the right move to turn around because the plane has been d zach find a photo of the shit trail we can't show it i'm sure
but like it's a video because it's one of the planes that has a center row of seats as well
and so there's two aisles essentially and so yeah the cameraman is in one aisle walking up the
aircraft filming the other aisle that's got a few seats between and it's just shit more shit
and there's people have put like stuff on top of the shit so you don't have to look at the shit
so there's like paper towels everywhere and like like there's so much shit it is not like oh had
a little accident here it's like you shit the whole plane dude you've ruined a 757 damn so he like by the time he got to the bathroom he was like done
i don't know from what i read once he got to the bathroom he made an even bigger mess in there
oh you'd have to get the you'd have to get the police to get me out of that bathroom
after i'd gotten in there like i would i myself in there. They'd be like, sir, we are
going to arrest you when we land the plane
if you do not come out. And I'm like, please bag
me. Bag me.
Bag me and drag me to
the airport.
Tell them I'm something cooler than a shit
bandit. Tell them I spit.
Tell them I spit. Give me that hood.
Tell them I'm a bio
threat. Don't say what kind
please now he's so embarrassing looking at the trail you can almost hear the bursts as they were
walking perhaps they took too big of a stride but they're definitely like paintball it's not a
it's not a stream like somebody's you know dumping out uh i don't know uh uh like a pesticide or
something it's like like they're dropping bombs on their run up to the bathroom yeah dude i this
picture that you linked i know you can't show it because it's got shit there is it is taking so
many paper towels to cover up the small section we're looking at. And you can see a lot of shit
peeking under that paper towel and that one.
There was so much shit. And it's not a smattering.
It's a full schmear.
Like, that...
That person was sick.
And it must have had a lot of...
Like a big colon or something. I couldn't
poop that much. That'd be a record for me.
That's so much...
Divert to Atlanta.lanta passenger diarrhea all over all over man what a terrible day at work for every way in a terrible day of vacation
there's got to be some
on the ceiling too you think like anybody freaked out and flung it up so you can't discount it you
can't be a cleaner and go like well isn't he no there's none on the ceiling like i don't think
you know that i don't think you would you bet your life on it no no i wouldn't bet my life on
and i would be alarmed to be just breathing in all of that guy's recycled shit air forever.
They should drop the oxygen thing.
Yeah.
Just as a courtesy at that point, honestly.
Just for fun.
You know what?
You guys wanted to see this thing go off your whole lives.
Just for dealing with the shit, we're going to drop the oxygen thing.
We're going to drop the oxygen, get you a little better mood.
You're going to go down the slide when we
get back home
it was all over aircraft
this plane
is fucked obviously
it's a flotation device
you know you wanted to see it
did they give them like moccasins to walk out
like those little hospital booties or anything
so they could slide
I doubt they did that i bet people were walking very carefully
oh out of this plane that's that's terrible you're right kyle that is the most embarrassing
poop story i can imagine like being locked in a plane with someone you can't get away you just
and you just you're not going to fucking Cleveland. You just ruined a flight to Spain.
People are so excited.
They're in a good mood and not,
and now they're not.
Do you think like Chipotle and stuff is that they have like spies trying to
figure out which fast food caused this so they can disavow it as quickly as
possible.
Like do you think Taco Bell and Chipotle and arby's all have agents
in the field trying to ask them who they had last so they can trying to false false flag it yeah
we're removing popeyes from the terminal after a critical accident i saw an awesome poop video
today too which doesn't happen but happened very often but here's what was happening it looked like
we were in china because everyone was asian and they were playing basketball kids are playing basketball and there's an adult
supervising just just a dude watching the kids play basketball there may be eight nine this one
kid sort of runs skips into the square and he's gonna make a layup attempt and just full-on lays
a turd right there on the court and just keeps skipping and hopping
away like he didn't just lay a big turd but as soon as it plops on the floor i mean almost
immediately a basketball comes down and hits the shit right in the middle i mean right bullseye
and the shit goes splat and like sprays everywhere. And the adult sees the whole thing go down.
And you just watch his expression, him going, shit, shit's exploded.
That child ran away.
The shit has exploded.
There's shit everywhere.
He sort of smiles, turns around and leaves.
It's so good.
He's like, I'm a volunteer coach, so I'm going home.
Kid, shit.
And then the ball just sprayed everywhere. know what a lot burning a candle helps with poop smells a ton it would but i bet they don't
one day only smoke them if you got them
all the way fucking home rules off today oh oh my god the guy with a full pack of cigs in
that case you're like yeah yeah cigarette guy keep smoking you can do it keep something about
he's got the whole pack in his mouth yes if you have giant flatulent dogs hypothetically
like a burning scented candle, it's magic against that.
I bet those dogs are awful.
They were not prepared for that.
I bet they didn't have a contingency plan or there was nothing in the
manual for how to deal with
that. I bet there's plans for
a reasonable amount of shit that
a baby missed the diaper
or something, but there's no way that they
had a contingency plan for an adult man.
Not only not having the wherewithal to hold his bowels,
but a man thinking it was a good idea to spread it about in the,
in the midst of shitting.
What do you do if you start shitting your pants in the middle of a plane?
Do you get up and sprint?
I mean,
honestly, who knows what you do
i take my it's gotta be the scariest thing that's nothing all right let's get that molar out
goodbye i thought it was gonna be something else huh i uh i wasn't pooping but i was on the
airplane this is like i don't know 10 10 years ago. And I got air sick.
This is a problem that I sometimes run into, especially if I'm not well rested.
And there's a line to the bathroom, but I know I'm going to throw up.
It's a matter of time.
This is going on.
Yeah.
And I asked the line if I could go next.
And they looked at me with like beads of sweat coming down my pale face.
And all of them
were like yep you to the front so i think i'd try to pull something like that have you used the bags
before when you couldn't get up i have used those yeah it's terrible and and i the worst part of it
is i feel like an imposition on the people around me like uh everyone had to listen to me get sick i'm worried that the
bag's not airtight or something like that it's we were awful we were on that little aircraft
flying from burlington vermont to killington vermont or wherever and we were losing and
gaining dozens of feet of altitude in a snowstorm up and pulling my seat my hands under my seat
pulling to keep my ass in it because we're
up and down like that and somebody taps me on the shoulder there's i can't hear the people behind
me because the aircraft's too loud it's a snowstorm and uh i look back and they go jj's sick and i'm
like i look way back through all he's in the back of the plane and he's green this little fucker
looks and he's like he's like making faces and waving and i'm
like what the fuck's wrong with him he's got a piss and he's got a puke two bags no three
pilot has the vomit bags and i'm like they need three vomit bags he's like is he shitting i'm
like no no they say he's puking and pissing he's like let me know if he starts shitting and i didn't find it to be embarrassing at all like i didn't feel because we were on a road i'd
feel really bad for someone that happened too yeah like that would suck i had the thought at
some point where i was like i can either be afraid of this or enjoy it because i whether i live and
die it isn't i can't i don't have any control over so let's just pretend like this is a fun
little adventure but it was
kind of shaky there for a while
kind of dicey as Brendan Shaw would
say it was a little
rough
I've been on a plane like that too
I was just going off the coast
of California from I don't know like
Santa Barbara to San Francisco or something
a short little flight on a little plane.
And the turbulence was so bad.
Like ladies' purses were hitting the ceiling
on the plane and stuff like that.
And I wasn't
super sick on that one, but I was
scared. I spent the whole flight
trying to cover how scared
I really was.
And I never got on a plane that small.
Were you with your family with you?
No, I was by myself.
I was just trying to not be a man.
I guess, yeah.
There was a guy, he just had the
vibe about him that he was a really frequent
traveler, like a traveling salesman
or something. And I'd never been on a
plane that small. And I asked
him, is this normal?
And the way he answered was like,
no.
I was like, fuck, if this guy's concerned, then we all should be.
I don't know planes.
I don't know planes, but I would say this plane had maybe six or eight seats in it.
And when we put the luggage in, he was weighing it.
He was like, a little bit on this side, a little bit on that side.
And then he was like, who weighs the most out of our group?
And I looked around, and it was mostly women and me.
And he's like, you're my co-pilot,
because the heaviest goes in the front.
Really?
Yeah.
I had the opposite experience.
I held the checklist.
Really?
Yeah.
That's kind of cool.
I was on a vacation once as a kid,
and we were whitewater rafting down the Grand Canyon. And you get there by helicopter that soars through the Grand Canyon, like just the thing sideways, bank and turns in the Grand Canyon.
And they're like, who's the lightest?
And it was me.
I'm like 14 or something and six years from puberty.
So I didn't know why they were asking, but the lightest person sat in the front, which was neat because there was glass.
Because you can see really well up front, but also there was glass by your feet.
So you can see down and the whole scene.
I was lucky to be in front.
Yeah, for sure.
Front's always better.
Roller coasters, everything.
The only time it's not best to be in the front would be like a limo, right?
You think of any other time you don't want to be in the front.
I think the backseat in the roller coaster is also good i don't know what's better it does a different kind of inertial thing yeah buses on uh on school trips
everybody was having fun on the back of the bus because the teacher wasn't back there and when the
driver goes too fast over the speed bumps on the back of the bus you get some air okay when you're
a child the back of the bus is a great place but now as a man grown was the back of the bus truly where you'd like to
be i want to be oh next to the toilet now yeah no i haven't been on a bus unless you want to score
maybe you want to score some meth then that's probably the place to be yeah i don't want to
hang i don't know i've honestly never been on one of those buses. We've got a friend that has bussed all over the goddamn country
and trained, like taking trains, passenger trains.
I've just kind of driven and taken planes everywhere I've gone.
So like those alternatives, I don't know anything about them.
The idea of having a toilet in the back of the bus
and me and all these degenerates are just shitting in it all day,
every day on a long-ass cross-country thing,
like that Anthony Cumia trip they had to make because his
shitty ass father sold the plane
tickets. Yeah. Oh,
all the way from Cali to New Jersey
on a bus. Fuck that.
Didn't he? Didn't Anthony say it
took weeks to get
they ran out of money
and like Stan Cupertino
to new to
Brooklyn like it's an absurd business. They spent what money they had on marijuana. So they From, like, Stan Cupertino to Brooklyn.
Like, it's an absurd business.
They spent what money they had on marijuana,
so they just starved and got high the whole way home.
They were kids.
Then the dad, again, sold their plane tickets that mom had bought to get them home.
He's got a great childhood story. Bought them bus tickets instead.
Kept the difference.
He's shit.
His dad was shockingly a bad father in some of his stories.
Anthony was like 11 or 12 in that story.
And it's after his dad had bought him the whore.
Yeah.
Anthony, that's one of the great ONA stories.
He talks about Buzz, who was like an 18-year-old stable prostitute.
And on his 13th birthday, his dad was just like here you go and he's like yeah and so when i was 13 i fucked a prostitute named buzz in a stable
and it's like that was probably weird for your development i have a couple questions what is a
stable prostitute this is like a horse stables is where yeah okay and buzz this is a girl's name buzz
purportedly yes okay like from home alone yeah that wasn't a girl
yeah they that was a good scene good home alone they used they used a fat little boy
because they didn't want to hurt the girl's feelings. It's the director's son.
It's either his son or his nephew.
It really is.
He's like, what was I going to do?
Cast an ugly girl and be like,
I need a picture of an ugly girl to make fun of in my movie.
So I dressed my son up in a wig and a dress and I'm like, you'll be the ugly girl.
He loved it.
We took some fairies around.
We went to Greece last month
and we took fairies from island to island
thinking it would be romantic like, romantic and fun.
Not so much?
No, about 20 minutes into the first one, one guy started throwing up,
which started like an avalanche of guys throwing up who were using the
bathroom was, like, just out of reach or maybe occupied.
the bathroom was like just out of reach or maybe occupied.
So they're using one of those,
like a trash can as a spittoon going back and forth for the first 20 minutes,
one after the other.
It got so bad that it was, it got so bad that it was past gross that it started just being funny.
So you're trying to stifle laughing.
Cause they're like,
they sound like the budweiser frogs
but you know you don't want to laugh and then it's kind of contagious uh but then it got back
to being disgusting with the smell it was not fun it makes me gag like people vomiting will make me
vomit well and then my favorite bit in pretty much all situations is to go to anyone I'm with.
My girlfriend is like, oh, man, do you feel like I feel like throwing up?
I really feel like throwing up.
This is making me feel like I'm going to throw up.
I'm really going to throw up.
I get motion sick.
I'm like, me too.
Look.
Oh, God.
The fucking boat's whittling oh god which i do on planes too
every time the plane like hits something or when we're landing i go i have this um
i have this really intense feeling like we're gonna die
i think it's really gonna crash i think there's something wrong
uh yeah you like, like people,
people on Reddit do where you're like,
Oh my goodness,
I'm an aviation engineer and this is not normal.
Yeah.
That's not normal.
That sound is not normal.
Engineer here.
It's really fun.
I recommend it.
Have you been following the Burning Man thing at all?
Oh man,
I'm so jealous.
Is this the one year you've not been in forever?
Yeah, like a long time.
I think the second year I went was the last time it rained really bad,
which was my favorite year of all of them.
I love it.
I loved the news coverage that was like, they have Ebola now.
Now they're cannibals now.
Like, it's their, they ran out of water.
Like, yeah, well, the festival wasn't supposed to be over until, like, Monday.
So I'm pretty sure if they ran out of water on Friday now, then fuck them.
That was their own fault.
Yeah, there was so much water.
That was great.
Go ahead.
Made the best Burning Man videos on the internet.
it was great did you go ahead made the best burning man videos on the internet he did so he i don't know how to describe him other than he's the kind of guy that belongs at burning man
and he flies paramotors so he like goes up and shows it from a like an aerial view of all what's
going on and he also just edits and he's real popular on instagram and stuff professional
i'm sorry i get a naked chick strapped to me.
Take her up there. She can't get away then.
Not just the implication. Fucking gravity. You're in trouble.
Yeah.
Anyway, he made really great videos. He's got like hundreds
of thousands. He's a paramotor
guy, right? Here, I have his channel open.
He normally pulls...
His popular videos are like
45,000 views, but these are getting
600,000 views. Nice. That getting 600,000 views because it's popular.
Yeah.
That's great.
I love the Jeeps that are like totally submerged in the mud.
The people that tried to get out thinking their four wheel drive land,
whatever.
I like the ones that did get out.
Like,
have you seen the trucks and stuff that are pulling trailers through the mud
and just looking bad-ass?
Did they get out or do they
end up like sinking further some of them do they kept going for as long as the video went it's oh
look at that crazy silty mud yeah yeah it's really fun uh they said you went dick what were those
little sea creatures that you get in the bag the sea very shrimp they said the sea monkeys were all
waking up because you know the the that
they're all out there so that that ground is like sewage and muck and water and sea monkeys really
yeah i didn't know that didn't know they're like they're like krill eggs or something right like
there's there's fairy shrimp out there there's fairy shrimp eggs that out that are out there
uh it might have to get a little bit more rain for them to start hatching,
but it is – all your stuff's ruined.
When it starts raining there, you're just –
if you don't immediately abandon it, you're going to have a bad time.
Can we play the video of Harley at Burning Man?
I linked it over there.
He looks like Wario, and he's clearly clearly on he's clearly real drugged up.
It's just a good time. Harley?
Yeah, Harley. Harley Mortenstein.
Our friend. Drugs. A large
Jew. I didn't know
he did drugs. Doesn't sound like him. No.
He's a professional fighter.
He looks like Wario.
I don't want to see the camera because I think I
got my date.
Don't play it and fast forward.
We can't understand.
I thought that was the drugs.
It is. I don't want to see the camera because I think I'm going to die.
He's having fun.
Good for Harley.
Having a good time.
I saw him goofing around.
He didn't make it out, unfortunately.
He'll be fine.
He's too tall to sink. time i saw him like he didn't make it out unfortunately he'll he'll be fine he's he's
too tall to sink he'll he'll be the one head still remaining and when they go to recover
burning man everyone else is sunk they're all under me no what what was the first time you
went to burning man and how many times have you been oh god the first one was maybe 20. It's 10 years ago. Maybe 2012. I don't know. I
think I've been like eight times. Usually, I bring a big art piece out there, but COVID
really messed it up. It made everybody real skittish about anybody else.
They canceled it for two years, which was weird.
Because you're not supposed to give a fuck at Burning Man.
It's safety third.
Look at us.
We're doing drugs and working with power tools.
Fuck safety.
But then they're like, well, COVID.
We don't want anybody to get sick.
Snorting something off of a guy's dick from a bag who you've never met before, that's fine.
But getting a cold? No, no, no, no, no.
Not for young people who are all in shape.
That would be the end of us.
So they canceled it twice.
And then the guy who started it died.
So they did a bunch of goofy shit, like no coffee camp in the middle.
I don't know.
It just felt weird.
Last year, they also spread it all out.
There used to be a coffee shop in the middle,
but I think they either stopped selling it forever or just for that year.
Help me out because I've only seen pictures of this thing and shit.
It seems to me that you go there to do drugs
and like rave and party in the desert and there's groups there and there's lots of like chicks that
want to do drugs and fuck probably too that's my outside looking in kind of yeah uh the art's really
amazing on its own um even if you don't like art. So last time I went, there was an I-beam sculpture that somebody made.
All the art's interactive.
That's the whole thing.
Interactive and huge.
There was an I-beam that somebody embedded in the ground that went up at maybe a 20-degree angle
and met with another I-beam, I don't know, 25, 30 feet off the ground.
And people were just walking up this thing uh like
ants and as you got closer and closer to the peak like the vibrations would just get insane and
you're falling on essentially concrete if you were to fall off like there's no net there's nobody
there so um there's just like one yeah it was really i uh it was like suddenly terrifying
uh to be on top of it there's a lot of little little things like that do you go across yeah
yeah uh i was terrified me uh at the top button like jimmy to go over the hump i sat down and
like dog dog wiping its ass on the ground to go over it because I'm like I can't I
don't understand how to do this now if I was in VR maybe I could do it but I know that I'm not in VR
and I can't do it I'm I'm just gonna sit down I'm not dying here in my underwear what you just said
I know what you mean what you mean is like if there were no consequences of this I'd just
fucking run up and down this thing.
Yeah.
I remember,
um,
like if you've ever seen a house before when they've got all the joists in or
whatever,
like the floorboards,
but they haven't put the,
the big boards on top of them.
You can just kind of run along those one and a half inch,
two inch wide boards.
I can do that all day,
man.
If you made falling my life,
I,
I'm not,
I'm not stepping foot on that.
No,
I don't want to look at it.
30 feet is so far to fall.
I don't even want to look at it.
Yes.
When deer hunting, I would be 25 feet up in the tree, 30 sometimes.
I was always afraid.
I was always afraid.
I was like 11, 12.
It was like dark.
My dad's like, hurry up.
Get up there.
I got to go climb my tree.
And I'm just like.
I'm shaking like my every every time i would like scaring the deer with your cries you could feel like like like trembles in my like wrist and my ankles and stuff because you would make that
climber stand bite in such a way that you can put your weight on it but it would slip in the
pine so it would be like slip slip slip stick and you're like it feels like you're
falling for a split second and it has you are for a second yeah and it keeps it happens over and over
you're 30 feet up in the darkness you can't see the bottom anymore except for he's got a light a
little pin light shining it up at you to let you know it sticks it's solid right yeah oh more or
less you could still fall out of there you said it happens again and again i was like the whole time you just lose three inches i guess no once you're in there you're in there pretty good
but yeah i'm gonna post uh one of the art things we brought uh one year i think that's as safe for
let me see if the if the picture is there uh if you scroll down a little bit you can
watch the video no no the video sucks but the pictures are cool
yeah they did an indiegogo i don't know i don't know how well that did uh but there's some cool
pictures of the box it's a 24 foot long saltine cracker box that we served soup out of um all
night so like two in the morning from six in the morning we have little ramen packets of soup and
then just uh pour hot water and let me ask what's the demographic like here at the uh outside the
the big cracker box that you were inside of uh people who are about to freeze to death and
they're looking at us like we're jesus christ uh serving them like a a cup of uh medicine um do you like in general you
mean like men versus women demographic or no are there mostly white people or oh yeah yeah there's
so many white people burning man they celebrate every single black person they see there uh they
have a parade for them it's so fucking annoying because it's like the most there's a
contingent of burners who are the we have to before we say anything we have to apologize
for being on the native like uyapayo land it's so fucking obnoxious yeah that's pretty gay dude
i watched a clip i don't know what the movie is but it's like indian chief sits down with like
the cavalry guy and the indian chief's like Indian chief sits down with like the cavalry guy.
And the Indian chief's like, these black hills were native land.
And he just the cavalry cuts him off. Yeah.
Since you took him from the Arapaho, who you murdered with our rifles.
But let's not talk about how you sprang from the from the desert plain like a walk who says no,
because you came from the Minnesota Bad badlands where you raped pillaged and
murdered and he starts naming all the tribes they stayed they murdered out and then now here you are
chief old land by me old land by god you're gonna have to fight for your land today and i'm like
holy shit i like this guy i think he's the bad guy, though. I keep doing that. That is how Conquering tends to work.
When I watched Avatar, I was like,
let's get this blue shit! Let's go!
I want that whale brain goo, whatever makes us
live forever. I saw a picture
today of what would happen if
instead of those weak-ass femboys that came
to invade the blue planet,
and Avatar, Space Marines
came, and immediately it's like,
alright, we win. You just fucking kill them.
The American military we have right now
could absolutely kill all those blue people.
You don't need Space Marines. 100%. And I haven't seen
that second movie, but they definitely could.
They're just blue people with bows and arrows, dude.
I doubt they're any more threatening than they were
in the first movie. They're real big, though.
What is... Because you say people
are being reckless and ridiculous in Burning
Man. What is, I guess, the worst you've ever seen someone injured while you've been there?
Seen someone?
Somebody at my camp while we were building a stage.
One year we built a TV station.
So we built a huge stage, like a talk show stage and a sitcom stage.
And we had a camera that broadcast
everything to this tiny tv so people would come and sit and then watch this little tiny tv that
was the whole thing going in front of them but as we were building it um one of the boys from
oklahoma who knows how to use power tools was holding a screw for one of the jackasses from
silver lake down the street in california who
doesn't know how to do them and he drilled through his uh finger he drilled straight through his his
thumb fingernail all the way through so he had to go to the the medic tent and get an x-ray and
shit oh so they have x-ray machines on site oh they got all kinds of stuff there. They got real doctors, you know, nurses.
What's that shit that solves
OD? It might start with an N.
Narcan. Narcan, yeah.
I bet they've got lots of Narcan at Burning Man.
I don't know.
What are the drugs of choice?
That's the most important thing to have
at Burning Man.
The drugs of choice at Burning Man?
Same as they are
everywhere else. Mali, cocaine, acid,
you know.
Mushrooms, I guess. You get real locked
into a mushroom kick if you
want. I don't touch that dirty stuff, though.
No? Did you have a bad experience
with mushrooms at Burning Man?
It's just like too
annoying
to be around mushroom people they're always talking
about their their like emotional breakthroughs and stuff i'm like man i don't uh can you get
on like a fun drug or something does is there a drug that you don't process trauma on that you
could get on because this is really fucking boring i feel like I'm in a young adult novel right now.
You're just walking around trying to give people shots of some whiskey.
Of acid.
Shots of acid.
Yeah, I had a very complicated setup of dropping and then dividing up the shots.
And I was like, all right, so there's three-eighths of a hit in all these.
And everybody does them, and my friend goes uh can you just review the math on that real quick before i before i drink this i said no you're just gonna have to i mean was it were you right or did they
yeah i was right fuck him fucking question my math question my math at Burning Man you bitch
I drop her in there for you yeah
it was only three eighths of a
hit though is that what three eighths
of a hit of acid yeah I
think does that mean it's a half dose roughly
yeah a little less
that's perfect man if you want to go to a
baseball game and not spend three hundred
dollars on beer and
like a dodger dog,
a three eighths,
three eighths acid.
Nail it.
You're not up all night.
Dodger dog.
So if you're new to LSD,
LSD is acid,
right?
That's what you'd suggest.
Someone take a three eighth of an hit of a hit.
Yes.
Uh,
take a,
take like 10 shots and dump them in a,
like a thermos.
Put one hit of acid at one little stamp or one little drop
of acid in there and then you can dose yourself with shots like if you want to do one shot like
one tenth two tenths three tenths uh okay one mix it in water one full hit of acid like one tab
is way too much in my opinion especially for first tim timers. It will blow your mind out of
your ass for like 12 hours and
make you all jittery coming down.
It's too much. I didn't get jittery,
but I had a great time.
And you took a full hit, Kyle, as far as you know.
I took five hits of acid.
You took five at once.
Yeah. I took one and then waited
an hour and then took another and then it was
like, come on, just give me the rest.
Like, clearly, this is a good...
Like, I'm going to love three, and I promise you,
there's nothing I'm going to love more than three than fucking four.
Give me all the acid that's mine, and I'm going to take it.
And I took all the acid.
It's great.
I saw the clouds.
Did you go to sleep?
No, I was up for at least 12 hours high as fuck.
Like, the moon jiggled and moved.
Like, the clouds wiggled.
Faces melted on the wall in paintings and stuff.
Colors were beautiful.
It was wonderful.
Everything was funny.
Everything was so giggly funny.
Somebody would make a joke, and you would just die laughing
until tears were coming out of my eyes.
It hurt to laugh more.
Then an hour later, someone would say whatever the triggering word was
for that joke, and you'd just die again. i would just get the giggles i'd for no reason i'd be that's what mushrooms are like for
me jiggling over there and i've told the story a bunch of times i took a small dose of mushrooms
there was a gram and uh my friend showed up at the campfire with a really shitty chair it was like
it was like four beer cans next to each other would be the equivalent of this camp
chair and he thought he was awesome that he was going to have the only chair and then everyone
else whipped out better chairs so we just mocked him all night long this isn't like class a material
here right bill burr is not doing his stand-up on camp chairs yeah but we were dying it was the
funniest fucking thing to watch him try to make a win out of that
terrible chair and it was the shrooms that's the best drug i've ever taken it's it's so wonderful
i want more yum i need to find some more words legal you uh you mentioned dick like you don't
want to if you don't want to eat a bunch of dodger dogs at the baseball game because
fucking acid make you not acid makes you not eat uh oh i i the idea of eating
on acid is uh repulsive to me uh i i couldn't eat uh i couldn't eat i heard that i didn't know how
true it was okay some people can but if you if you try to eat something it's like you can kind
of conceptualize the molecules getting ground up it's just very off-putting maybe it was what i ate i
ate these maple bacon donuts that were so fucking delicious that that it made me appreciate the
crispness of the bacon and like the the maple like whatever the maple stuff on top was was
like really well made it didn't taste like just pure cane sugar it was just everything was good
and that and i was like these are the best donuts ever right and my buddy's like this is the best donut i've ever had i'm like are you allowed to
eat bacon aren't you a muslim and he's like fuck it it was that good it was so fucking good um acid
is by far the best drug ever um that i've ever taken um i would i would like to do acid like
two or three times a year for sure
but i don't know where to get it and i don't want to go back to prison
because that's no fun that's like the opposite of acid do they even care about acid or it's just
they care about me oh yeah well yeah it doesn't matter they care about acid um you know don't do anything
drive the fucking speed limit is it that sucks anything but i is i found it really interesting
to see the celebrities and and that they didn't even have any way to get out of burning man i
think chris rock made it out of there in a fan's truck like like they just everybody was stuck i
think people still are like chris rock made it
out of there but i think there's tens of thousands of people stuck in the mud right now right it's
not muddy anymore people are driving out fine it's just a traffic jam oh i know this yeah they
i have a friend on uh so it didn't turn into the superdome it just dried out really quickly
like overnight not in mud anymore yeah remember the superdome
when it became like oh yeah and sewage yeah it took a day to turn into mad max in fucking
a day no burning man is more like wow we have uh everything that you could possibly want come
over here we're uh we here. We're cooking a pig
in a box.
It seems like they were stranded
in a place where they planned on being
stranded anyway. There's food.
There's medical supplies. There's water.
It's not quite the same as
other catastrophes.
There was nowhere to shit and pee
because they couldn't empty the porta-potties.
I think they do that every day.
They do that twice a day.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So very quickly, there was nowhere to poop because they were overfilling.
Or everywhere to poop.
70,000.
There you go.
70,000 people.
And then it doesn't take long for a disease to happen.
Like it's the medieval times or some shit.
Cholera.
Yeah.
Or E. coli like you know
something like that if we're just walking in shit with wounds in our feet or something and i don't
see a lot of footwear that those things or at least not a lot of uh torrential rain mud shit
walking appropriate footwear a lot of crocs and it'd be pretty neat if you were the guy though
that could go places like you know I happen to get here on dirt bike
Or paramotor or four wheel drive truck
In some cases
Jetpack
You can hide your plane around pretty good
Barefoot's definitely the best way
What?
No shoes
Barefoot doesn't appeal to me
In the land of poop and mud
Well you know you got five
Five or seven square miles there
The poop is probably going to be
Sequestered to
The immediate vicinity of the outhouses
You overestimate me this is a common mistake
I poop where I like
Tell me
That'd have to be fast moving poop
I knew that
They were going to get solved quickly
because of the kind of people that were there it's weird to me that there isn't a uh an east
coast burning man that's more like tennessee that that's where it would make sense like like a
redneck jamboree burning man that's like the same thing like a bonnaroo type thing but like bigger
um yeah i don't know why they don't get that big out there on the east coast there's
a couple cool festivals um god i forget the name of uh my friends at format right now um i don't
know why they don't get that big out there it's probably because it's so close to l.a yeah yeah
it's on blm they gotta give blm we donM five million bucks. We could maybe have some landowner.
We have San Francisco.
That's a big part of it. The thing about that is it's that salt plain,
right? So you don't have to do anything
to it. Like our BLM land is forest.
I didn't know we had that. I know I hunted on it
in Georgia,
like in Elverton.
Elverton's actually where, remember when the Georgia
Guidestones got blown up and they made it all over the United States? That's Elverton i it's elverton's actually where remember when the georgia guidestones got blown up
and they made it yeah yeah that's elverton georgia right behind the guidestones is where i used to
hunt so i'm pretty sure that's blm land or like government land or some shit they figure out who
blew up those stones no they never will that's a whole fucking dude that's so weird that that
got blown up it's probably just some asshole but the idea that it might be something more than that is a little funny.
Closer to me, there was some guy took an,
I think it was an AK-47,
or I might just be repeating media nonsense,
and shot up the transformers and electrical distribution,
and power went out in North Carolina for like a day.
People died.
Like a handful of people died
because they needed electricity for their medical
equipment.
I assume
right-wing guys, they said it was to shut down
a drag show,
which sounds like the work of
Republicans, but they never
caught them, so I don't know for sure.
Now I hate that. It looks like they're getting
away with it. They caught some different
people shooting Transformers because it kind of caught on because immediately they had to do a news story are you
wondering why the entire power grid is down well turns out rifles against a transformer
no more power for the entire community don't keep them in stock
although it's very hard to find them we haven't found anyone who's done it yet. And every asshole
was like, fucking queers
dancing in front of my kids.
Give me the... And they're out blasting
Transformers and a couple of them did get caught.
There was a couple. I want to say a woman and a man.
They got caught
shooting Transformers. The thing is
it's a lot of money.
It's a lot of monetary damage that you do
very quickly.
So you might think you're some drunk asshole who's like,
ha, ha, ha, bang, bang, bang.
And it's like, that was $2 million.
You're in a lot of trouble.
They're coming to get you, Cletus.
They may have changed.
But they were so expensive that they just didn't keep replacements in stock,
which is why it was so effective.
They needed, like needed days to bring in
new gear.
It's a big deal, I guess.
Hopefully nobody else does
stuff like that. Electricity is my favorite
thing about living in the modern era.
It's by far
gotta have electricity.
If you could lose one utility,
which one would you keep?
I'll keep the water.
I'll keep the electricity.
You take everything else.
Those are two big utilities, though.
I'm going to need internet.
I'm going to need you to have internet, too.
If we're bargaining here,
can I use my phone and just have data?
Is it internet, water, and electricity?
Is that the trilem that the, uh,
those are the big tri-lama.
Am I missing anything?
Cause I'll take cold showers if I have to.
Like if you, if you take away my hot water,
I can deal with that.
If you take away my gas.
Okay.
No,
you know,
electric appliances,
I suppose.
But if you whittle it all the way down to one thing,
it's electricity.
Cause I need air conditioning and heat life without air conditioning is just
excruciating in the south like i found i read that maybe 30 of households in the uk have
air conditioning only 30 or maybe less it's a really low number where it's it's the exact
opposite here 80 of americans have air conditioning and so much of the united states is up in the you
know way higher than the uk it's bizarre to me that you could live without it.
And as soon as, I don't know, the summer rolls around.
Every now and then I've been without electricity, been without air conditioning.
It's dreadful.
I'm just existing.
I hate it.
It was my biggest fear about prison besides rape was that they wouldn't have good air conditioning.
Because I went in in late August or something in Alabama.
It was 102 one day.
It was so hot.
I was like, I need to get the air conditioning.
The better than my house.
And it's 68.
It's 68 in this room right now.
There's a vent above me blowing cold air on me right now.
My nipples are hard.
It was better in prison.
It was better in prison.
They had the biggest fucking air conditioning units you've ever seen on the roof.
better in prison they had the biggest fucking air conditioning units you've ever seen on the roof and and they uh they had like exposed um conduit or whatever uh with the you know the age running
through the center yeah the hvac like huge ones just exposed running through the unit and you
could see that they were just like yeah we're all getting a steady it was cold at night it was
shivery at night you'd shiver at night you had to cover up two blankets um you'd give the guy two dollars so he'd hook you up with a second blanket because it was so
cold at night it went out one day i woke up and i was sweaty and i was like oh no i go out get up
get on the track do a couple hours on the track i come back they're on the roof working on that
bitch they got not the prison staff they've called a professional like he's gone up there he's he's
hooked on to the roof like a thing so it doesn't fall off.
They're actively fixing it. Had it going by lunch. It was amazing. I was so happy.
I wonder if there's a lot of security for which HVAC guy works on it.
Oh, so you don't get my cousin Lenny, the HVAC
guy to come in. Right. He might have a friend in there
just leave his screwdriver.
He's got me and my boys
inside the old unit, packing it up,
taking it out of the prison.
If I just throw a Leatherman into the yard,
do I create chaos in this prison?
If you really wanted to do that
at Talladega,
you could fly a drone over.
They were always on the lookout for that.
But moreover, you could just toss something over the fence you could just go anything that you could toss you could toss over they see me to us
nah they're not out there watching they're just not out on the perimeter um like the the track
would go out to the edge of the perimeter but none of the guards were anywhere near you somebody
you could they could have beaten me to death on the track and no one would have known it huh until count that night i could have been dead all day
you could be dead all day and nobody would know um because there's count in the morning and count
at night so they could kill you in the morning and stuff you in the little bath they have like a
like a halfway bathroom on the far end of the track it's really just like a piss pot they could
just stuff my body in there nobody know you know um but could you throw like a pizza over the fence would they notice that
i mean you show up with pizza they probably don't notice but they probably they'd sneak
liquor bottles in like when you'd buy liquor in the black market in there it was like why do you
just have crown royal they just have a bottle of crown you know they didn't have i didn't see any toilet wine because they had real liquor that they were selling for like multiple
dollars a shot but it's not dollars it's max it's packs of mackerel god i'm glad i'm not so like i
said no more acid because i don't want to go to prison but if i can find a legal way to do acid
in another country or something like that i'll do, but you don't want to get in any trouble. Can you go to Oregon?
Don't they allow everything now?
Isn't everything?
Or at least decriminalized, so maybe they'll be like, hey, $200 fine
for your three hits of acid
or something. Honestly, what I would do is I'd go to
a friend's house, because I know friends on the
West Coast who just do that occasionally
and just go to their house and do it with them.
Probably the safe way to do it. But I heard an interview with shack today they were like you don't drink huh
he's like yeah i love to drink i just don't drink in public i don't drink around people so they can
see me my daddy told me young you're gonna have to take care of your family if you fuck up your
mama don't eat if you fuck up your mama don't have a house don't you fuck up the money shakil he said so i don't
drink out in front of people and it was like damn that's he went to a whole other dark place about
why he doesn't drink in public it was like dude i was just making mom doesn't have enough money
now to have a couple shots while you're out geez that's what he said he's like very well
he said i'm fucking with mama's empire and it is an empire good for him yeah yeah a lot of those guys have become billionaires
um i think it's interesting the people in entertainment who turned that into this whole
other thing reese witherspoon i learned is a billionaire there's no way what is she a thief
or something like how did that happen yeah she is So what she did was she started this book club thing, this book club.
And, you know, you put your book on there and she features books.
It's kind of like Oprah's book club, except if you want your thing on her thing, then she gets first refusals on the offers for your books.
First refusal rights.
So that means, hey, somebody came and they wanted to actually
buy that book you liked so much reese he's like yeah well i get first bid and so what they were
able to do i guess with an algorithm is determine all the books that she now has first refusals on
and just make lots of movies on make hundreds of millions of dollars wow yeah good idea i read an
article maybe the same one kyle did because I saw it on Reddit.
Goddamn books.
And it painted her out to be a, like, it says she's worth $400 million, but whatever.
I saw a billionaire.
It painted her out to be evil.
So basically, she has a book club, and if these books get made into movies, she makes the money off of it.
However, the authors make money, too, off of the book club.
Getting on Reese Witherspoon's book club apparently sells tons of books.
So you have this author with a semi-popular book, and Reese is like, hey, if you want to be part of my book club, this is the deal.
If it ever becomes a movie, that's me.
But what you're going to get is tons of book sales.
And they're like, well, fuck, I make way more than I would have made without you, so I'm in.
And they painted it like she was this robber baron taking people's movies from them.
But I'm like, they would have never been movies had they not been on that book club list.
Yeah.
And they would have never been as popular as they were had they not been on this book club list.
She lifted you up.
And then when it went even higher, she got a piece of that.
And now she's a dick.
I don't know.
It sounds like she's a businesswoman.
Yeah, I would love.
How great would it be to be an author and know if you ever did come up with something good, you had first class, first class, a list people who were going to take over your project and make sure that it was successful.
Not just having to shop it around and like,
I don't really understand this business.
Are you a real big wig?
Are you just kind of guy who lies to me so we can fuck me?
And then like takes 10% of my money and introduces me to your buddy who
takes another five.
Are you that kind of cocksucker?
Cause I don't know this business.
But if Reese Witherspoon is there,
like I know this business,
this is,
this is my business.
Here's your correct percentage.
I'm going to pump a hundred million dollars into the production of this movie it's going to make 300 i get 50 of that you get four i get four million dollars yep thank you reese right
say thank you when someone hands you four million dollars yeah people are assholes fucking five million now they tried to set up five somebody
wanted to option uh men are better than women a long long time ago i forget i forget who it was
um i passed on it i probably should have said yes because i never did anything with it but um
what did they want to do make Make a movie out of it.
Just use the title and make some stupid men versus women movie.
Now looking back, it would have been better than nothing,
which is what I have.
You still have the name, though.
You haven't lost anything.
No, I still have that.
But it's faded, right like i say that
because not many women still hate each other as a title related to what he did maybe but
but just as a good title yeah as a title it's still good i think still a banger
when i used to have a minecraft server it was called woody craft and it made a lot of money and when i shut it down
other people wanted to pay me to run a minecraft server under that name and i said no i said no
because i had like quality standards and ethical standards that i was afraid they wouldn't follow
and in hindsight it was like maybe i could have pursued that a little harder put in some sort of
governance and there'd be more money to be made there for me
for that person for everyone yeah i would i mean even if you could just be like woody craft by
zappa industries and you're right yeah and i'm in the shadows making as long as you don't have
to be that guy who's there every live stream like yeah woody craft by woody for woody and
oh great or whatever like but wo, what about that thing they did
where they sold our data to North Korea?
Was that you too?
Yes, that everything that WoodyCraft does is of Woody.
Like, you don't want me in that position?
We just got to lie.
Other Minecraft servers, like, didn't even have customer support.
You buy something, you don't get it, get fucked.
And I was like, I don't want to be that server.
That's the kind of thing I was worried about. Well, there was a lot of shady stuff going on buy something you don't get it get fucked and i was like i don't want to be that server and that's
that's the kind of thing i was worried about well there was a lot of shady stuff going on where every
now and then it seemed like somebody was going to go to jail because they'd stepped a little bit
they towed a little bit too far over that line and uh you didn't want to get like wrapped up
into something like that for just chump change or what comparatively will be chump change compared
to you know maybe going to jail or something. Yeah.
I wouldn't want to.
I don't know. A lot of good stories come from it.
I used to think I'd do terribly in prison.
Now I think I got a couple weeks.
I've told you there were guys like you in there.
There were all kinds of dudes.
You just hold someone else's pocket
as you follow them around.
You'd go over there with the other white guy waving like
i made a friend
he leads me around by my scrotum out of affection
we're really tight we're really tight i don't like some of the stuff he wants me to do but
i'm gonna do it i guess yeah don't want to lose my friend monopoly
they played a lot of monopoly and I don settlers of katan fuck no they had chess give me
that sheep for this or i'm gonna stab you tonight the black guys play poker but i was so afraid of
winning or losing to them but i didn't want to play
it's like war games right the only winning move is not to play they also played like
which means that dealer gets to decide what game we're playing and and It's like war games, right? The only winning move is not to play. They also played like Black Mirror style, which
means that dealer gets to decide what game
we're playing, and one black
guy would be like, Crazy Eats!
And I'm like, what the fuck? What are we doing now?
Alright, deuces is wild!
I can't play with you guys. They're just making the shit
up as they go along.
Every number with a vowel is wild.
Yeah.
Crazy Eats.
They're gambling for you know currency so you could end up owing somebody and the quickest way to get hurt is to owe somebody
and not pay them back i would imagine i don't want gambling in prison at least that's what i've
seen from the internet i've been i tried to watch uh 60 days in this season but it was it's so
bitch made that it's not even they're trumping up drama because in reality the scariest
guy in there is like a 19 year old kid who sees cameras and thinks he's gonna make an ass of
himself so they see him so he yells a lot and then he's like are they looking he's just being loud
and rambunctious but they like play that music like dun dun dun dun dun dun and then they click
over to him with black and white now for some reason he's like fuck this shit he like throws his cards on the table in reality they all laughed after that
but they don't show that part they just show our guy who's like the plant and he's
fucking scared cowering they're all such bitches they're all so fucking scared
of just rambunctious teenagers who are playing poker and the there's nothing scary about that show anymore they used to take people's lunch money in that show like it was high school
that's why i watched because you might see some poor white guy who thought he could make 35 grand
easy get his lunch money taken remember that one guy where the prison before he went in he cried
before during and after he went in the sewer system went out and shit starts filling the pod. So they just make
all the prisoners go just sit in a room
Indian style with each other at one point
and a day goes by.
They've been sitting Indian style in a big room
and it's like, I didn't think this is what it was
going to be like. And like no one did, dude.
That's why you're in this shitty prison because it's a
shitty prison. A good
prison would never allow a TV crew to
come in and make a goddamn mockery of what they do it's only the poorest least responsible police uh police
institutions who are like our system is broken the only way to fix this is that tv show from a and e
it's always a nightmare yeah but it's but but lately it doesn't even seem that rough.
It seems like what I did was rougher and what I did wasn't that rough.
It was more like scary summer camp.
You did 60 days in, so you know.
Did you do exactly 60 days, by the way?
58, I think.
You wouldn't have got the money.
Did you want two more just to hit the number?
I was so excited when I counted and saw that it was 58.
Because they just said the judge went two months.
And it's like, could you be more specific, Your Honor?
He's like, yeah, let's make it 60.
How about that?
How about 62?
You don't want to be asking at that juncture.
Because maybe we round down later.
I don't know how it works.
He said two months.
And I was like, all right.
It wasn't until I was
there and I had my
release papers. They give them to you like 10 days
in when I'm like, one, two, three,
58. All right. That's not
so... That's a little better than I was
counting on. All right. We're too wet.
Pretend we already did those.
I thought I did 10 days, but I've kind of done 12 in a
way. We're counting as 12.
That's as good as two weeks.
That's half a month.
Give me two more X's. Let's go.
Those count.
That was a helpful day.
It was a happy day. I remember when that happened,
feeling chipper all day.
You're eating your custom chili
with a smile on your face.
On television,
it seems like people
don't know when they're getting
out a lot like they're like it's a not defined day they don't know how many days they have left
they just know it's not long from now i mean some of the 60 days in people like they will clearly
have no i'm not i'm talking about the actual prisoners in there they will have clearly like
no knowledge about anything other than the jail system and crime itself. And so these people who are competent in their real life as like a teacher or whatever come in and they think they can bamboozle these prisoners with like CSI Miami level nonsense where they're in the directors of the show.
The producers are fucking shitheads.
And so they'll be like, go in there and tell them that you're here on financial racketeering
and like he'll go and like say that to some prisoner and he'll be like financial racketeering
you're here for that no no one no one here's here for financial crimes you'd be up in uh fort sumner
that's where the financial crimes division is what are you talking it must have been more than just
financial crimes for you to be here because this is a prerequisite for here is something or intent or fit like and they'll
they know what they're talking about in that way and so then the teacher will be like i don't know
i just uh i go where they tell me you know and then they like they're just getting mean mugged
like this liar you didn't find it you didn't embezzle shit this isn't where they spend
sending bestlers it'll be a dui sometimes like where you know up in lj county and they'll be like wait you got arrested in lj
well i went to the lj police station so you had to get arrested there well not and all of a sudden
it just doesn't start adding up because these are criminals they know you know where you should have
gone and what prison you should have been in and And what they think is you're a cop.
They know that shit very well.
They think you're a cop or they think you're a rat,
which you are.
Everybody on that show is a fucking rat.
That's another thing I got annoyed with right away.
I was like, I hope they do find you, you punk ass rat, you bitch.
It's not like you're like, yeah, there's a gang
and Mikey has a knife.
He's going to stab Jim.
It's like they're getting high when nobody's looking. One guy
he cheeked his pill and
sold it to someone for chili.
Yeah. Like dude you've got him locked
in a room 24 hours a day. Let him get fucking
stoned. This guy's smoking
raid off of a toilet paper tube.
And like they get him in trouble for that.
It's just awful.
So fuck that show too. It's hard to find
good reality shows.
Yeah, most of them are really fucking stupid.
How do you think I should act if I go to jail
for making fun of Eric July's comic?
Is there anything...
Is that going to be respected inside?
Can you do that?
I think they will.
Is that going to hurt me?
First thing you've got to decide is what race are you going to stick with.
You've got to make a decision.
Indian.
I love it. I love it. Work on the accent
now.
So the Indian guys
are like the others.
All the Asians
are together and they'll usually hook up
with the Native Americans too and anything
other. All the extras.
You have the LGBTQ+.
All the pluses
get added to the Indiansians and the asians
and they they form their own little posse ragtag group of misfit toys indians and
t's and q's i mean you can just wait you can get there and then do a little racial head count and
you could be like you know i'm going mexican here there's more yeah than there are white guys yeah right
into spanish it's obviously you speak fluent spanish you see see that's perfect call him
spoken yeah because he's hard then either the mustache goes and then the the hair goes and i
could be a skinhead i guess you could yeah could, yeah. I'd have to stay inside.
You got to play the numbers.
No, they want you to put in work, as they say.
They need you to put in some work.
They need you to either to smuggle something or to hurt somebody, usually.
Well, I could make fun of someone's comic
inside the joint if they got it.
That'd be so funny.
Like, I was feeling so fucking bad.
You don't even know.
You don't even know.
I've been watching this guy.
Don't worry, Big Mike. I'm going to rip him a new one.
I got some mean hiding.
I gave him my letter home to edit
and he bullied the shit out of me.
I don't even know what a dependent clause is.
I don't understand.
Are you in trouble for adding punctuation
to his love letter?
Who was it that did that
there was someone who did that maybe it was a
movie I watched but but some guy was inside
and he like was like rewriting their love letters
for them and killing like
that's what he did that sounds familiar
yeah yeah
okay yeah
no but oh
that could be a career you think yeah
I mean
They'd call me the English teacher
In the joint
We call him the professor
That's a normal
You should talk about her tits right here
You should talk about her eyes
Like her eyes are big
And I want to suck them
I mean, yeah, that's better, honestly
I don't want to put words in your mean, yeah, that's better, honestly. Go for that.
I don't want to put words in your mouth, but sure.
Yeah, see how that works.
Yeah.
You see, I don't mean to judge.
You're starting the whole letter with the word because.
You know?
What happened first?
What can we do before that?
What can we build for three years?
You've written basically in this letter 50 times and you didn't need it.
One of those times.
So go ahead and remove that from.
Oh,
basically.
Well,
you know, all I think about.
It was just that way.
That wouldn't get you enemies.
Now.
I wouldn't have any skills in prison either.
They would hate impressions.
What have you figured out The black impression
That black people love
Like some kind of fucking
Pee Wee Herman and tequila
One more impression
And you're done
I just have to lean in
All the way to African
I think you'd kill.
I think that, you know.
I am sick of this racist country.
I am from Kip Town.
Just make up an entire bag.
And they're like, yeah, but you don't talk like a South African.
You're talking like a made up cartoon.
Oh, man.
Here's one that uh people love really we went to as a joke like ironically i guess we went
to a michael bolton uh concert at the hollywood bowl last sunday because our friend had two extra
tickets so we're like yeah sure we'll go with you how this will be funny right see some old michael
bolton hits and air supply was on too so yeah we'll see we'll we'll see a bunch of like old-timers reliving their
glory days and michael bolton he's always a good show right so we get there and shortly after we
get there we say something's uh something's a little bit unusual here at the michael bolton
concert looking around walking in going through the underpass under uh under highland boulevard and say something
is do you see what i'm saying i say yes i absolutely do every single person here is asian
a 40 year old asian all asian couples and families acting like they're going to see the beatles
michael bolton comes out there's a couple oldsters there's a couple old white people in the audience but otherwise it's like a Korean church packed to the gills
everybody's got their camera out chittering excitedly Holly had a hot
you know very polite and I've got to go like in and out of the rows but all very
Asian it was like somebody had dumped a Hollywood Park Casino onto the, so Michael Bolton comes
out and he goes, he sings the Hercules song, he's singing it and he goes, no, I remember
he's talking like Frankenstein, right, because he's so old and he goes, I remember the first
hit I had in a country that English is not their first language and all the Asian people,
ah.
language and all the asian people i'm like man and we did a bunch of mushrooms i'm like man this is i'm fucking losing it i am gonna start fucking just laughing and i'm i don't want to ruin these
people's weird experience because this is obviously way more important and he goes and i remember they said to me, Michael, why you say you love her, but you lie?
And he did it in this like totally unnecessary Asian accent.
And all the women are like, oh, like, you know, they're all reacting like he knew.
So apparently he's and then he's saying, I love you, but I'm lying.
That song that I didn't even know was my rugby, but but i'm ryan yeah i love you i love you but i'm ryan
and then the rest of them like her apparently he's a huge like he's like the david hasselhoff of
fucking china or something yeah of korea uh so then he goes he goes i just got back from touring
asia i'm like oh man this is so i'm feeling so high, just trying not to laugh.
My girlfriend, he starts singing this song.
He goes, this is a cover that we would sing on tour from Ginkawa.
And it's like it's called Prayer.
And I'm like, oh, no.
Oh, no.
You have to be kidding me.
He's singing fucking he's on tour singing religious songs to Korean.
This is this guy's life now
and he starts going into this goofy ah like you know how you can tell when it's
not an American song like you're like there's no I don't know what there's not
a chorus or a verse it's like a smores or something like I don't know what this
is this blonde lady is singing and he's just standing there. Hi, and I can fucking feel my girlfriend looking at me.
And I'm like,
I'm like,
just eyes tightly clenched mouth closed.
Like just trying not to laugh.
Cause they got,
it's all over the big screens and we have like a perfect straight down front
view.
And I can fucking feel her looking at me going like,
are you fucking serious? Just just please please be over please be over and then he he started telling a
story about his grandson and just had a Mitch McConnell like pause for like six
seconds and then said he he's like, my grandson Dylan.
Dear one.
I meant Bob Dylan.
Anyway, here's the song.
I'm like, oh, he goes, next song.
I'm like, oh my God, dude.
This is unbelievable.
In your moment, in the middle of his big Korean show.
It was so much funnier than i thought it would have been
i'm going to scour the internet for michael bolton performing in asia and try to find
because it sounds to me like the kind of bits that like he does every show because it kills
every time and yeah they always titter when i when i when i do that part they love this one
all that asian cunt out
there is getting soaking wet let me tell you like he's that's that's how michael bolton talks and
then he goes back to anyway was it called the was it called the asia tour i don't know i hope
that's no the other one they're all young all of the people were young it was so uh
it was so weird it was not what i was expecting he uh he
sort of he accidentally sort of went to a michael bolton concert turns out he kills with the asians
the crowd's 90 asians they're all like yeah michael bolton's son is about to be up and like
losing their shit so i i want to delve into this you mentioned hasselhoff people maybe don't know
he was this minor celebrity in the u.s at baywatch and everything it's like oh yeah it's hasselhoff people maybe don't know he was this minor celebrity in the u.s
baywatch and everything it's like oh yeah that's hasselhoff or whatever he was this international
musical sensation in europe they loved this fucking yeah yes like a big deal the ha and do
you know why he's not famous in the u.S. as an international? Because he was David Hasselhoff.
He was in Europe, nailing it huge.
Everybody loved him.
He was going to do his U.S. musical debut.
And that's when O.J. did his Bronco chase.
That night was David Hasselhoff's big pay-per-view event.
And O.J. fucking killed his wife and escaped through the Broncos so it totally fucked up
his US music launch
God damn it OJ
Turns out OJ ruins more than two lives
that night
That's what he stole from us
He stole so much from us
and his Twitter's not even that funny
OJ? Yeah
A lot of it is just like jokes like oh
i killed her yeah
imagine if i murdered someone and was tweeting from a golf course drinking a mai tai right now
and it's just like him sunglasses on mai tai wearing like like holding up like what do you
guys think about my golf glove and it's's like, oh, Jesus, OJ.
That's a funny joke.
I don't know how people should have killed those people.
I've definitely killed those people.
I'm so sure he killed those people.
He wrote that book called If I Did It.
He killed those fucking people.
You're so sure of that, but you defend Bill Cosby all day, every day.
No, I don't.
He raped all of those people.
All day, every day, Kyle don't he raped all of those all day every day i defend kevin spacey
because i think it's justifiable whatever it takes to fuel that mind that creates those films
is worth it in the long run a hundred years from now when you look at that art that he creates you
won't think about some 14 year old whore who's who was who was at an adult party for some reason
doing cocaine you'll think of i don't know american splendor you'll think of the usual
suspects you'll think of house of cards just not the last season no house of cards isn't
remembered at all but usual suspects is great you're you're right that is but you know he should
american beauty not american that's the one where he's macking on that 14 year old he's imagine her
all naked with like flat uh rose petals all over and shit he's like pumping iron that's so good
yeah he's like 40 years old he's macking on a 15 year old next door well and very gay like like
clearly gay he's so miscast in that as a as a lustful like middle-aged dad
he's like gotta get some of that boom that underage boom like that's not he's never said
those words not once no but he is a good like a real man is it and seemingly in real life
yeah i don't think so you don't think so? You think he's a bad guy?
Yeah.
Because some people, look,
that community,
don't want to be offensive, but they're known for having high suicide rates.
So I find what you're
inferring here very offensive.
Jesus fuck, Taylor. Relax.
You know,
you're right. When you're wrong, you're wrong.
Sometimes you just gotta shut your mouth. There's two kinds of suicide, relax. You know, you're right. When you're wrong, you're wrong. You just kind of shut your mouth.
There's two kinds of suicide.
Dick, you know about this.
The kind that gets away with troubling accusations.
Three days ago, I was accused of things that make my blood boil.
Like, he made that fucking video.
It was like four hours after someone was like,
he assaulted me and sexually like abused me and he's
like now the thing about that we're making thanksgiving dinner we'll do and after this
go over to my let's play channel and it's like what the hell are you doing
i'm gonna play i watched it two months ago it's worse than you remember it's like oh my god he is
really making like threats to people he's lean
he's like what happened when i pushed the limits that's what you want to see isn't it you want to
see me you want me back he says those words but i know you you want me back he really thought at
that period he could be like fuck that whole season of my tv show you made bring me back
and let's do it again like yeah he thought that it works in sports that would have been awesome
there are plenty of people who rape people they impregnate 13 year olds if they can shoot the
three they're welcome back on the team basketball's the worst about it too because some of the
basketball greats who are right now respected and in the hall of fame are like child rapists like alone utah jazz right
yeah carl malone i'm carl malone i've never seen carl malone but i remember when they make fun of
carl malone on mad tv and then that guy would always go huh i'm car Malone. So I imagine it was an even more slow and stupid Shaq.
Yeah, that sounds about right.
He impregnated a lot of people, including some children, right?
A lot of children.
One child that I know of, and she was 13, practically a woman.
That was Carl Malone?
Yeah.
Carl Malone got a 13-year-old pregnant, and he got to keep playing?
Oh, yeah. He had a Hall of fame career yeah that's unreal see kevin spacey can come back he didn't impregnate any men yeah yeah kobe had a
rate let us know that explains it all i think he beat or i i forget how his how his thing uh
it's like an adult money. It's kind of...
If you're the most famous NBA player in the world,
and a woman gets within grabbing distance of you,
I don't really know what to tell you.
Sorry that happened.
Where did this happen?
I think of football as the one where people beat the women, though.
I mean, Kobe straight-up raped that lady
and then bought his wife a ring to make up for it and then we all just said whatever man
go let's go black mamba like mama power oh he's got he's got that mamba attitude what can you say
everybody just said he won like he kept winning championships and we wanted more i guess or
somebody did i didn't care i honestly i love love whenever Reddit makes fun of his autopsy photos.
Oh, you sent me the image of his autopsy photos.
There was so much less of...
I guess I didn't know what I expected,
but there's really not that much left of you after a helicopter crash.
So it's not a photo, but it's like...
They have a picture of a human body,
and the coroner has written and drawn on that body to describe what happened to Kobe.
And he's like obliterated.
There's chunks everywhere.
And and read it.
It's something like Reddit will say something like a photo of a rapist.
And you'll click it.
And I'm like, I don't understand.
Is this what happened to a race, a rapist in like India? because sometimes they'll like burn them to death over there or do gruesome
things and i looked and i looked and i look and then it says like tattoo of 2002 nba championship
on right tricep and i'm like wait a second that's kobe that's kobe i have a question i'm gonna start I'm going to start with Dick. Dick, Kobe Bryant died at 41.
However, he lived a very charmed life.
As a young guy, he traveled the world.
He was one of the best basketball players to ever pick up a ball.
He won five championships.
He's rich beyond belief.
But he died at 41.
Yeah.
Would you take that life or that of like an attorney who helps build
get out of traffic tickets but lives till 80 uh i mean i hate basketball so i don't want to
be playing basketball every day or like talking to everybody in the basketball arena
and what do you want to be, a boxer?
Some equivalent, parallel boxer or something. Oh, like, can't he just be super rich and die at 41?
Yeah, that's fine.
I'm 42 now.
This year's been bad.
I imagine next year will be bad.
I don't give a fuck.
It's starting to get repetitive.
I'm starting to hear the same shit that I already heard,
like, as a kid, as a 20-year-old.
It's like, I heard this.
I've already seen this culture war before.
I don't give a fuck put me in the ground that's a secret message if you're a stalker of mine that's
a secret message i'm broadcasting to you specifically great yes and i am affirming
the secret message i mean maybe to be to be kobe because kobe's got like statues and documentaries
like he'll they'll be talking about kobe 100 years from now they'll think he was way better Maybe to be Kobe because Kobe's got statues and documentaries.
They'll be talking about Kobe a hundred years from now.
They'll think he was way better than he actually was.
Does he still have statues?
They're making new ones now.
There's a big culture around Kobe still.
His opinion in the basketball world rose when he died.
Did he go through a big downtime like no yeah when he the rape thing was was bad in la he barely missed any games though
like he'd go to court and then play that night yeah he got made fun of a lot, though. Yeah. Damn.
I don't think there is a career like other than maybe like elite politician who goes to underage sex islands.
Like as far as professional athletes, that has to be the number one that they are like, oh, yeah, he he savagely beat the shit out of a five foot to 98 pound woman in an elevator.
But he's really fast athletes musicians and politicians
i think might get away with that and musicians not all of them it's how good you are like it
let's assume michael jackson's guilty the music was so good he can rape children and we're all
still like abc easy as well but but if you're like ch Chris Brown who's just so so good
everyone's like fuck that guy he peed on a girl
I think it was him
he didn't no that was R. Kelly
R. Kelly yeah R. Kelly's in jail right now
you know why he wasn't as good as Michael Jackson
I think R. Kelly
yeah it's true
but he also like recorded
himself raping and pissing on the young
women and then uploaded to
the internet apparently i just want to say this my friends were watching r kelly pee on girls when
they were seven when we were like 15 you know they were like have you seen the video of r kelly
peeing on those girls i'm like how would i access it they're like the internet they're like the
internet i'm like i use it for math homework man i don't know i didn't
know there were i had no idea what you would type into the browser to find r kelly piss videos you
know like genuinely i didn't when i was 15 like what the fuck so but but they had seen it my
friends saw it when we were teenagers and yet he didn't go to prison until they made a documentary
about it in 2020 and then actually went after him and got him
last year. They
just got him. That was 20 fucking
years ago. We were watching him rape girls,
underage girls, and piss on them.
I think he kept going, too.
They did that Boondocks episode on him, too.
He wrote songs about it.
Yeah, I had a similar
you're practically telling me. They're like,
Woody, did you see that video? And I'm like, 39 times so far i i did not see the video i haven't seen it either
i genuinely didn't but but um uh you know it's just crazy that it was just there and it was like
why isn't anyone talking about this that matters why is it just why is it the guys on jv football
team that that have the evidence right now and not a district attorney in Los Angeles.
Right.
Yeah.
What the fuck's happening right now?
But,
uh,
you know,
25 years later,
we got him,
I guess he got to live one hell of a life though.
And who knows how many ladies he pissed on in the interim,
but they,
they got him.
Some.
Yeah,
you're right.
If you're talented enough,
you can get away with just about anything.
Cause people don't want to believe it.
Come on.
Not my wealthy helps
too oh we left out businessman because i i believe that if you're super rich believe what am i like
as if the duponts didn't kill people and get away with it sure but but if we're talking you can try
to kill but like your business poisoning a river's one thing but when you're the guy who's out there
like what did the dupont's do that I don't know about
Did they actually lay hands on people I don't know
Dude was really into wrestling and they murdered him
Oh that guy Foxcatcher movie
Yeah with uh
Yeah you'll love it it's got I haven't
Seen it but you'll like it it's got
A Steve Carell with a fake nose playing
The Dupont guy and
It's got GI Joe as his
Wrestler prodigy that he's like macking on that
eventually you know gets it yeah yeah we're on the same page you might seem to remember more
about it than me yeah i haven't seen it but like i know it's got super good reviews and it's um
and i just i've seen steve carell with that fake nose a lot it's very he reminds me the penguin
a lot because he's already got a big fucking nose. Yeah. He has enough of a nose.
You don't need to do that.
They put a horn on him.
Was it Bradley Cooper that they like put a big,
like Jewish nose on him?
Cause they're like,
Hey,
you're playing a Jew.
So let's really,
really Mac,
like,
yeah,
I don't know if that was their thought process.
Exactly.
It was,
it has to be because I saw a picture of the guy he was playing and he has a
very normal nose like yeah the guy he's playing does not have a giant schnoz nose but he has a
jew nose he has a triangle like more of a roman nose i wouldn't call it a jew nose it's got a
very roman nose like a big triangle and i they're they they like had some fucking head jew decide
that it was okay i swear swear to God I read it.
They were like, turns out... They consulted the head Jew.
Harley gave it the thumbs up.
Fucking Rabbi Shimi Goldstein over here says it's A-okay.
And it's like a guy saying it's okay.
This is the guy he played?
The guy on the left is the guy he's playing.
And the right is an even bigger nose.
Well, that's a bit of a tilt, too.
You got to give Bernstein a little more of a tilt.
Let's see that.
Look, he's trying to get into character.
Leave Bradley Cooper alone.
The man's a good fucking actor.
I'm not saying that he went to a costume store
and showed up like that.
He didn't make that decision.
They sat him down and put him on the nose.
The nose on the right is bigger than the left.
I refuse to believe that.
He just kept going, bigger. Bigger. He already had a big nose too bradley like i thought he was jewish so i didn't understand why
everyone was uh freaking out that's yeah i didn't know either yeah he's not clearly like someone
was like yeah bradley cooper we need to change you you're're too famous. It's like, well, you can't make him fat.
He's done that before. Remember when he was
Chris Kyle? He got huge in that.
A lot of it's fat and poofiness,
but he's still got muscle too.
He just transformed into a different looking human being.
Who played Dick Cheney?
He's the sniper with the most kills of all.
I think he's the most kills ever.
Christian Bale.
Christian Bale played Dick Cheney.
Yeah.
Yeah, that was awesome.
He did a really good job in that movie.
He's good in everything.
Yeah, he transforms himself like no other.
Makeup plus him gaining all that weight.
It's like, that's Dick Cheney.
And the mannerisms.
I'm older.
I may have seen more Dick Cheney in real time than you guys.
I'm not sure.
And when I saw him play, I'm like, oh my God, he's got the hunchback and the talk and the cadence.
He just killed it.
If I were Dick Cheney, I would have to get him to come with me and play pranks on the Secret Service.
I think it was George Bush who did that.
It was welfare, right?
I think with Dana Carvey.
It depends which George Bush it was either, I think with Dana Carvey, if it was, if, if it,
it depends which George Bush it was. I remember the story though,
them being like the president had the impressionist in the oval office and was
like, Hey, you want to mess with, you want to mess with secret service?
His name's Mark. Be like, Mark, get in here. He's like, he's like, Mark,
get in here. And like, as, as George and Mark comes running in, yes, sir.
Mr. President.
And he's like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
He's just laughing at him.
I fooled you once.
I came on you.
That would be hilarious if the Secret Service guy gave that quote.
Fool me twice, not going to fool you again.
He ain't going to fool me again.
George Bush was the most, I don't know,
likable president that that i can
remember i really when i when he dodged that racky's shoes that time that racky who angrily
throws both shoes at him the look on george's face when he looks up he's like we're playing
a little game now he's enjoying it he's in the moment yeah and he knows worst case scenario i
get hit with a shoe best case oh man the camera's gonna love this i'm gonna dodge this dude's throwing shoes like come on
i got there's a guy with a there's like three guys aiming at his head right now if it's anything
other than a shoe like you know he's he was having fun in that moment he's got his hands on the
using it to like if i recall one of the shoes was thrown pretty well yeah i agree yeah one of them was thrown good like they
got prison time prison time it may have gotten commuted but it was multiple years of prison time
oh that reminds me let me tell you this story this so you know how in iran occasionally a girl
will turn you down and so like you know how it is you blind her with acid sure i have heard about
that okay so that went down exactly that dude blinds her with acid, melts her fucking face.
The judge sentences that she shall blind him with acid.
Ah, a little Hammurabi.
I'm good with that.
And so they strap him down to a doctor's bed,
and they got a vial of acid and a doctor there,
and she's there.
And they're like, alright, blind him.
And she goes,
mercy.
Doesn't blind him. She let it get
all the way to the day of the blinding.
She let him get strapped
to the bed. She let him get his eye
all open like he had something stuck in it
real bad.
Got the vial of acid out, taking the cork
out. It's like little steam
comes out.
I wish she fucked with it. She should have said
mercy and then dumped it. Doused him.
Yeah. Actually
blinded him.
I can't
see so I have no idea where it's going.
Yes.
More acid.
I was on the
petty revenge subreddit
and it was the worst revenge
ever I wanted to get your guys
opinion on this because I
hated it I'm gonna
poison the well here
no it wasn't far enough so
I think it was a guy
and this guy
is living his best life.
He's grown up.
He's financially successful.
Everything's going well for him, etc.
He goes to eat at a diner and he finds his high school bully working there.
Now, this guy just looks disheveled.
His shoes are those of someone who can't afford better shoes.
And he can just sort of size up what this guy's life is as he's like bussing dishes at a diner.
And the person who was bullied isn't recognized.
But what he does is he leaves a $50 tip. Like he way over tips him and walks out knowing that like he kind of the best revenge is a life well lived.
And the bus boy didn't even recognize the bully
victim so he the bully victim just walks out and is like i'm the better man and i'm like the fuck
like slipping money into somebody's pocket is not revenge like neither of these are revenge. Fucking worst. Blind both of them. Take their money.
Get them fired.
I got fired.
Put some fentanyl on his tip.
Here you go, buddy.
Here's an addiction for you.
It'd be like, are you Marcus?
Oh, my gosh.
How are you doing?
Is this where you work?
I'm a tax attorney or whatever some badass field he might be in.
You whip off your sunglasses. I'm an accountant. tax attorney or whatever some badass you know field he might be in and uh like you like whip
off your sunglasses i'm an accountant he's there in his waffle house uniform like afterwards
yeah just have a conversation that demonstrates the difference in how you guys turned out and
go you can still tip a lot if you want to rub it in a bunch of dishes they fire him
you want to rub it in a bunch of dishes they fire him blame it on him yeah drop that whole you got that whole bus tray i would yell at him like ow you rolled right over my foot as he as you tip
over the whole thing like like right like 40 for the dishes like which is like his daily space guy
saying racial slurs under his breath while he's taking my dishes away yeah something like that
or maybe you get your girlfriend to say
he touched her inappropriately.
Something like that.
Yeah, girls are always up for that.
They love it.
That is brutal revenge.
So you're going full ruined life.
Well, no, I'm just saying, you know.
Or maybe you follow him.
Maybe you go out in the parking lot.
You wait and you follow him home.
Now we know.
And then you light, like, I don't know, you ruin his mailbox.
Start off slow.
I think he wants to set the house on fire and wait for him to come out the front and pick off anybody.
This is a war of mental attrition.
First thing I do, I get his spirits up.
Does he have children?
I mow his grass for him.
Second thing is I
start stealing all... Actually, no, I don't want to
actually get in real trouble. I won't steal his mail. I'll burn
his mailbox down.
And that'll be enough that he'll be scared.
Burn a mailbox down?
Just, I mean, put something in it,
hit it with a baton. You don't want to steal mail,
but you're going to commit terrorism?
Well, not terrorism. it's creative way the ira punishments you're the fucking unabomber out of nowhere he's just
a bully leave him alone no he probably did recognize him and stole his story and put it
on reddit to get him to lose his bus boy job worst case scenario is he gets a better job
because there's nothing a better job because there's nothing worse than busboy. How old
is this guy that he's bussing?
Oh, I don't know. From context clues
I gathered, like late 20s, 30s.
Late 20s? Okay, early 30s,
late 20s. Well, yeah, that's... actually
maybe you don't want to tussle with the
Waffle House busboy in his 30s.
He probably has experience fighting.
He probably... not...
He absolutely has an enormous amount of fighting experience.
He works in a gladiatorial arena and he's got a grease knife.
He's got a grease spatula in his back pocket.
Okay.
And it's sharp.
Waffle house.
Like,
why did he get bullied?
Right down that griddle?
Yeah.
We need to know women or something.
Why was he getting bullied?
Yeah,
I didn't say it.
He just said, this is my high
school bully i gave him 50 and that's my revenge and i'm like jesus christ you suck at revenge
that's terrible fucking revenge the good revenges are i've seen some of it's maybe called nuclear
revenge or something there's a bunch of stuff about it but anyway yeah they ruin people's
lives like you're fired from your job you're're a sex offender. Now your parents know.
Oh,
and guess what?
Like,
like the reason your wife was being weird yesterday,
she moved out.
She's in Tucson,
Arizona now because I told her like,
I say,
you know,
like stuff like that.
Like just,
okay,
you're done nuclear kind of revenge.
Okay.
So this is like people lying,
fantasizing online.
I mean,
it,
sometimes it seems real.
I mean,
who's to say,
who's to say Taylor's to say taylor
without proof or evidences yeah i always assume those stories on redditor that's why i only watch
police activity because it's real you watch those people get shot to death i'm telling you 10 times
10 people a day they're killing over there on policeactivity.com i noticed today they're not
policeactivity.com police activity uh channel the YouTube channel can we get them as a sponsor?
you're giving them so much publicity
I mean people need to know
it's the best channel on YouTube
it's crazy drunk
this is the best channel on YouTube
a second best channel on YouTube
you know
I watched that black man
he's sitting there and they're like sir
we heard you have a knife.
And he like reaches and pulls out the biggest fucking almost like a movie prop of a knife out.
And he's just like, please, sir, please, sir, please, sir.
And I start fast forwarding because the video is so goddamn long and I'm trying to get to the good part.
And I fast through five minutes of him saying, please, sir.
And holding that knife until they start shooting him with one of those less lethal
12-gauge shotguns, and that really
riles him up. You ever throw a rock at a hornet
nest and then run away?
No. Kind of like that.
Well, they just shot him to death
right there. Wait, to death?
Yeah. Well, they shot
him and he fell into a pool of blood, but then he got
back up, and one of the cops awkwardly
gives him three more real quick when he's looking the wrong way it was it's it's pretty wild um
the dog the canine videos are by far my favorite because i love a good boy you know and and those
dogs are they are trained that getting to bite the thing is the best thing ever it's what we
fucking train for you know so when they actually get to bite a
person it's that dog's best day you're seeing the happiest boy you've ever seen and i like my
problem with police dogs is the rules of engagement like they're allowed to if you hit my dog you
right right this guy he's biting you he's ripping your leg you're already 77 stitches deep into your injuries and you if you
so much as try to push his mouth off your calf it's like resisting arrest yeah right leave my
dog alone that dog's a dog i've seen i've seen at least twice where they bite the dog back because
the dog's latched on to him and won't let go so they're like motherfucker how do you like and
they'll bite an ear and the dog will scream sometimes and let go because dogs don't want to get bit and they never he's never
been bit before you can dish it out but you can't take it huh canine it's true um i fought one of
those police canines in a fucking bite suit once and whooped its ass although i was in a bite suit
which isn't fair yeah that's not fair to the dog no not at all i like i didn't mean to but i kind
of slammed him over my back.
I thought he'd land on his feet, but he landed like flat on his back and yelped and ran away.
And I was like, let's not put that in the video.
You monster.
I felt terrible.
You got to understand, it was like a military canine, like an 80-pound German shepherd or something.
And he would fly through the air and latch onto me
and I would spin, like lean back and do spins.
He'd be stretched out by just his teeth,
locked eyes with me.
And that guy's screaming like,
pockin', pockin',
like whatever German for bite is.
And so a little slam was par for the course
in what he was dishing out.
He bit the shit out of me over and over.
He was being trained as much as you were that day that my my my forearms were just black
and blue all the way up and down them because as a joke they gave me the little bite sleeve the
training bite sleeve they use for like younger dogs and then they sick the big dog on me so my
arms getting all bit up and i'm like i guess men just take the pain huh this is what normal
dog trainers feel all day and then later on they put me in the real bike suit i'm like this is
eight times thicker than what i was wearing earlier and like yeah this is for the adult dogs
here here's your falconry mitten
the dog whipped my ass for an hour yeah i love it when they take the dogs on them it's great
yeah i wouldn't i mean i imagine that you go from feeling a little badass fleeing from the cops
to absolute abject terror immediately when you see a dog chasing you because it's they they look so
angry none of them look like they're having fun i know exactly how fast they can run
too that's what i don't like that feeling like oh man there's no chance of me escaping this dog
oh yeah so much faster than you i can't outrun most men it's a white joke right yeah ron white
said i don't know how many of them it would have took to whoop my ass, but I knew how many they was going to use.
As many as it took to whoop your ass.
And that's how fast a dog can run.
As fast as it takes to catch you.
Yeah.
You're not getting away.
And it's not even vaguely tired by the time it catches you.
It's just had enough time to rile itself up.
No.
And like getting game time, game seven mode.
The cop kind of was like,
gave it a running head start.
He made sure,
he didn't just like,
all right, grab him now.
He was like, all right,
we'll let you go back here
on the 40 yard line.
You'll be up to about
25 miles per hour.
Yep, get him.
God, that dog's moving fast
when it hits the guy.
Obviously, I'm not.
I don't think any of us
are really built for speed.
But people are.
Can't people outrun dogs?
No.
Not in short bursts.
In distance they can, but not in short bursts.
Not police dogs.
People can't outrun a police dog.
Like a German Shepherd.
Even fast people?
No, not even fast.
Not in short.
Think about how quick a border collie is compared to Michael Phelps.
Well, Michael Phelps is way faster than Michael Phelps running around.
But Usain Bolt.
Usain Bolt would get humiliated by a border collie who had even a conception of what it was meant to do in a race.
The border collie could eat treats for the first 30 seconds and win
you don't want to tango with dogs
okay so I have some numbers
an average
track athlete
averages I guess 15 miles an hour
over the 100 meters starts from zero
so I imagine the top ends faster
Usain Bolt averages
27 miles an hour that's his
top speed and a german shepherd goes 30
so even usain bolt gets caught by the german shepherd but not oh yeah and usain bolt that
that he's black so that big meaty calf yeah like that he's wearing the he's not wearing a protective
suit his bare calf is out and he's losing that calf muscle when that dog shows up.
He's going to miss it.
He'll grow back, though.
Yeah, but he'll grow back.
And then he'll eat it again.
And then he'll eat it again.
We're right back to the first 10 minutes of the show.
I swear that will work.
You can grow steak.
Why couldn't you just have like like can i get
rid of the the cow's brain because i i feel awful about the cow having to exist like that could i
just have the body of a cow with no brain and it keeps growing new steaks and it's like a play it's
like the play-doh dream house thing you could get the where like steak just kind of comes out as it
heals and i'm like oh oh snake the steak's ready and you slice it off
at the edge and you got your little filet
mignon puck just perfectly shaped.
I don't know if the technology's there
yet. I mean, we've got
crazy medical technology.
We applied it to keeping cows alive
in perpetual
zombification hellscape.
Take all the NASA money
that they're not using to go back to the moon
and put it towards the cow theory.
They'll be regrowing cows no sooner than 2025.
I'd believe that more than Mars.
It's probably cheaper just to let a cow have sex, though,
in the end.
I don't know.
I was thinking that.
Like, what takes more hay?
To regrow a little cow injury
or to turn a baby cow into an adult one?
The research to determine the answer.
That's the answer.
That takes more hay.
So I'm pretty sure we should just keep making cows the old fashioned way.
Isn't growing the baby just all the meat growing?
Yep.
That's how you turn hay.
That's probably the best way to turn hay into meat.
I just didn't want as many cows to have to die.
You ever see how there's trendy fuckers in movies will have a wheatgrass the best way to turn hay into meat i just didn't want as many cows to have to die i wanted like
i want you ever see how like there's trendy fuckers and movies will have like a wheatgrass
garden in their kitchen and be like oh and they'll like get some scissors out cut a bunch of wheat
grass grind it up make a little shake i wanted that but with an animal right you know how chickens
nobody i wanted a lamb that lived in my cabinet but its ass just kind of stuck out and a little
bit would grow out and you oh there we go
how about this you know how chickens nobody gives a shit because they're ornery and mean
and like peck at you sure you care about cows because they're nice they are what if we made
meaner cows oh that's right if we're gonna genetically engineer cows just make like you
rough them up and like slap them around make Make them mean cows and then nobody feels bad.
I think they started mean.
And then we did this to them.
So we need like a Jurassic Park,
like cloning the original cows to get them back.
I like them docile and friendly.
They are great.
They're like giant dogs.
You're the one who has a problem with killing them.
I don't.
I want to kill fewer of them.
I want to kill more
that's that's one of my favorite like scary it's like you know how you can go to red lobster and
get that one i want to do that over fucking lamb i want to be able to be like get that guy right
there that one that one gave me the evil eye yeah i want to pick the one i want that one's heart like that when she's getting a pig heart for
i'd love to be able to pick the animal out that would be dark though if there was a slaughterhouse
slash restaurant that's one of those combos that'll never fly it takes a long time to butcher
a cow like you you would be waiting for a long. I don't need you to finish the butchering process.
Cut me off my portion.
Go right for it.
In that dead cow.
Just ruin the cow.
Just gore into it.
No, don't use a power drill.
Use your regular butchery implements and strategies.
But get me my chunk out right now.
It'd take like five minutes to cut a good chunk out.
You're quick.
Remember those Japanese guys when they cut up the tuna with those big swords?
Yes.
Asians are the best at everything.
I do like that.
We're in so much trouble in the next few years.
I watched a couple of videos of that like recently, like a couple hours late at night.
I got really fucking high and I watched like videos of people at the Suzuki or whatever fish market buying really expensive tunas and then
carving them up and and and then like directly serving them and then i watched videos of the
puffer fish and this guy was going so fast cleaning the puffer fish like he he clearly
a hundred a day yeah the deadly if you clean it wrong but this guy like
knew what he i would eat the puffer fish from him all day he knew what he was doing yeah like really any asian guy yeah it's like
i know we got it for 30 years and nobody dies because if they do like in in japan if you serve
somebody puffer fish and they get like sick you go to jail i know we got a rap but the opposite
of that like trusting that japanese fellow to make you puffer fish i went to a bocce place they
had a filipino guy and i was like get the fuck out of here dude stop trusting that Japanese fellow to make you puffer fish. I went to a hibachi place and they had a Filipino guy.
And I was like, get the fuck out of here, dude.
Stop spinning that egg around and give me my rice.
This isn't traditional at all.
I want a real Asian guy. I saw a
white guy cooking at a
hibachi place once and I wanted to vomit.
Get out of here.
That's bullshit.
Filipinos are basically Mexicans.
You can't have that shit. they are the mexicans of asia
yeah i have heard that well you guys want to call it a show yeah dick anything you want to pimp or
uh you want to hear about revenge go listen to my latest bonus episode at patreon.com slash
dick show uh we also have uh this is pretty good we watch uh maddox's um spurg fest and shoot all
over him you don't just give money to people and walk away and act like you've got the best of them
i would never do that yeah good biggest problem is a good show too go to biggest problem.show
check it out cool cool see you guys pka664