Painkiller Already - PKA 749 W/ Dick Masterson: Deciding Woodys Grandpa Title

Episode Date: April 26, 2025

PKA 749 fan favorite Dick Masterson here. Taylor? This episode of PKA is brought to you by PrizePix. Lock and load our wonderful merchandise. Dick, it's good to chat with you. Are you starting to get amped about the... Yeah, what do you mean starting? I've been amped for months now.

I couldn't even get any more amped. What are you talking about? For my show? I have a live show in Boston in June. Yeah, that's what I meant Yeah, I can get away from my pregnant wife Is there a oh yeah, she wife already did JLP Jesse Lee Peterson already started hammer it through our oh man We had to reschedule that that was my bad. We ended up just a friend of ours is

Married us My girlfriend and I who gay. So we had a gay wedding downtown. Nice. What was gay about it? Well, him being gay and doing the ceremony. Oh, he was gay. Okay, so he did have a gay wedding. So not heavy on the religious part then if he was gay. No. Are they still doing that religious stuff? Oh, yeah, it's pretty popular. Yeah. Yeah. What kind of food did you have at the wedding? Mexican food.

So rice and beans and cheese and tortillas in many different forms. Oh, wow. That wedding must have cost dozens of dollars. We went to, I was running the budget on our wedding. We went to a like this real wedding, I guess, a couple of weeks later. My wife and I are sitting there watching the ceremony go down with like all these people. They're reading their vows all seriously. And there's this like, guy, like spiritual guy talking about love and relationships and everyone's weepy and I lean over to her and I go I this is the kind of wedding that that

you want when you get married isn't it it's like yeah that's what I was thinking you're like nope like maybe next time honey sorry I have another and we got some leftover empanadas we have our wedding taquitos in the fridge. Right? Dude, I was so, so they, we got, uh, we got all this food, right? And it costs way too much. And during the, you know, during the party, I'm too amped up to eat any of it, but I'm just eyeing it over there. And I'm like, okay, at least tomorrow, at least tomorrow, I'm going to have like- Cost way too, what was, what was the big price issue? Was it the rice or the beans? I think it was the gas that it took to drive the rice and beans over to the,

uh, to the warehouse slash, uh, uh, marijuana cutting, uh, room that we had our wedding in, um, so the whole time I'm sitting there going, at least tomorrow I can just sit and just eat like wallow in this all this rice and beans and eat it all day. And then the next day I wake up and my fridge is bare and I'm like, Hey, what's where's all the leftovers? There was a lot of good stuff there. And my wife goes, Oh, I just I left it in the cooler with no ice and so I just tossed it. Oh, I'm like That was like my whole day. I had that was my honeymoon with that food. You're like this isn't a good start I would be furious Especially if you're in charge of paying for all that food and you

thought you had a wonderful day of vegging out and then she's like, no, I couldn't be bothered. You know, it's great paying for all the wedding stuff is I'm like, okay, yeah, this is great. Whatever 1000 bucks for this, whatever 1000 bucks for this. So yeah, rental 2000 bucks for this. Is it somehow I hear more about what she happened to pay for? Like if there was a photo booth guy who was running late and like I wasn't around, my wife, you know, wrote a, did a Zelle real quick and she's like,

oh, and by the way, and like, I paid that, you know, by the way, yeah, I'll. Wow, $67, huh? Are you trying to get reimbursed for that or something? Like I hear, I hear what you're saying Do you guys keep separate money? Yeah, I guess people do well, she's not gonna she's gonna she's gonna she's not gonna have a job when she

Has our son so Then it's just gonna all be my money anyway. It used to be your money. Yeah, well, you know. Not your son's money. Is there an app, is there like an AI that will track and see if she's spending too much for? There has to be like some sort of service,

like a portal that mimics your bank login. Just get straight to the divorce. Yeah. like a portal that mimics your bank login. Just get straight to the divorce. Yeah. Keep an eye on my tricksy wife from spending when she shouldn't. Yeah, I already rigged up a leg. I already rigged up the firewall

to like block Lulu's and Instagram ads at bedtime. So I got that working. But if there's anything that could look over my finances to see what she's hiding That would be helpful. So you're having a boy. We didn't know that last time. Congratulations. Oh, thanks. It's a huge relief But Woody's a really good name for his son Woody or a daughter or daughter either way Well daughter will be next he'll get one of each. Have a nice little- You can name them both Woody, it's okay.

No, I'd hate that. And that's like a George Foreman thing. Do I have to name him Woody Jr. or just Woody? Is that okay? Woody Sr. maybe. That'll work. Big Woody. You go, you go senior.

That's funny. My daughter got a dog. So now we're picking out grandpa names. And it wasn't until then that I realized, Papa Woody or Popping Woody already means something. Maybe I'll be Grandpa Woody then. Maybe like, this is just the part of my life I'm at, but like I'm seeing my friends' parents

be the grandparents now, like the parents I remember cooking dinner for us. And like the variation of grandpa and grandma names, like has always been like, like my friend who is like near and dear to me, like near I'm at his house, whatever he's talking to his kids, and he's like, trying to hang out with me, but he has to tell them to go hang out with mom, whatever he's like, Hey, you know, you behave today, I told you about this and you tomorrow though, we're going to Nini and Pee Pee's house.

And I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? You're gonna send your kid to school and he's gonna, without knowing the bullying that's about to come his way, say that he's going to Nini and Pee Pee's house? No, no, shut that down. Get a normal grandparent nickname. I didn't like that at all.

My dad would have been a bad dad. Pee Pee Woody somehow got worse. Yeah, Pee Pee Woody. Yeah, Mee Maw and Pee Paw. Grandparent nickname. I didn't like that at all. I did what he somehow got worse Yeah, me mom people Woody the gray I've got like ace can be something they say for grandpa's at least Google says that's true. So ace is on the list Pretty leading But grandpas can be called ace, right? Google AI says, yeah, but only the coolest. Ace. Did you have to jailbreak the AI for that?

I hear an AI that likes to name A's. Yeah, I'm a great Paul, but I make them call me Ajax. I just pick a cool name and now they have to call me. They call me James Bond. Have you ever seen the grandparents like have like a passive aggressive war over which one gets to be papa and like the two sets of them, I haven't been blessed to see that. No. Yeah. Like, oh, well, my sister and her her husband's both sets of parents.

I think they had a little stale mate of like, OK, well, I want to be papa, too. Like, well, I want to be papa. I think they had a little, uh, uh, stalemate of like, okay, well, I want to be Papa too. Like, well, I want to be Papa. I want to be Papa. Well, what are we gonna, what are we gonna do about this? How are we gonna, how are we gonna horse trade this one out? Um, I don't know how they worked it out, but no, they probably forgot honestly knowing them. And how much do your grandparents hang? I mean, my grandparents never saw my other grandparents like borderline ever. It was always like a weird worlds colliding thing when they would. Oh, we didn't have.

We had separate Christmases. We did. We did Christmas everyone together. So we had I called my I had silly names. I call my grandma nanny and it was nanny and Papa. That was my mom's parents. Nanny. It seems almost mean. Yeah, it's like the Southern version of Nanny maybe. I don't even know. But I don't even, I think, I didn't really have a name for my dad's mom.

What did they call her? Oh, the other kids called her Granny. They called her Granny and then her first name like granny Ethel and uh and and and so be like yeah we're going to granny Ethel's house. What would you guys pick for you and your imaginary wives to be called? I guess I always like I guess I went with grandma and grandpa or like gram and grandpa. When I was the first name there is it just straight-up grandma and grandma? No just they've they've earned their stripes. They know they're they're the one well my grandpa on the one side died like 20 years

I've always liked this ambiguating it right like grandpa Taylor. Yeah, grandpa Steve, whoever I don't know the other one That way there's ever, you know informing talking to the cops. You don't get mixed up and all that. That's a good call You're a grandpa Taylor He's he's grandpa. That's a good call. Your grandpa Taylor thought of that. And he's grandpa. He doesn't sell meth, like the other one out of a shed in his backyard. It'll be molestation nine times a day. What about you, Kyle?

What would you call, what would you want to be called? I wouldn't want to be called anything. The idea of having children is disgusting enough, but them carrying on and procreating themselves, it's like clearly. Okay, okay, but we can't even imagine. You didn't learn from my failures and you made your own. Tell your children to call me. Never. How about that? Man, you'd be a rough dad. Unknown number of children out there ready for more.

If I were your kid, I'd be like going to a state mandated therapist when I got in too many fights at school and they'd have to diagnose me with Baldur's Gate related negligence. He cares so much more about the shape of the vulva of his fake elf woman than he does about my sports games. First of all, she's a half-orc, okay? And I was more concerned with the pupa care than anything. Dad, I've heard you talk about it so much. I know it's a half orc. Okay. And I was more concerned with the pubic hair than anything. Dad, I've heard you talk about it so much. Like I know it's a half orc. You think I don't really? I just don't see a half orc being that into pubic grooming. Okay. She's in the wilds. Okay. Swinging a battle axe. You're

telling me she takes her a little time away from the fray to trim up her pubic region? No. Like something, let's say Kyle, let's say you get a lady pregnant, and she's like, not a chance. We're bringing to term. You're in it for the long haul now Buster. The state of Georgia is going to see to it. Are you going to be popping into sports games and stuff? You're going to, you'll be engaged. I bet you'd want to get one to start. I mean, you need to understand that I would do, I would raise heaven and earth to avoid like any, any form of responsibility.

Like if it meant another country or like, or something like that, like, like, you know, living in Guatemala or some country that's okay with deadbeat dads, the paradise of deadbeat fathers everywhere, Guatemala. Do you wear a disguise? If I need to, you know, whatever it takes, whatever it takes. Like you had to do blackface or something?

That would blend right in a Guatemala Yeah You'd be the tallest guy in Guatemala Yeah, I think that enormous gringo with the blackface that might be here He's the one who's always bitching about some kid you know I Wouldn't take part in that and and like I don't fraternize with ladies who would take part in reproduction either like I usually when I talk to a woman that's one of the first things we talk about like you'd suck right oh and like that's a trick though are you worried that they're

because they lie you know women women lie but I'm good at I'm good at like getting to the bottom of that lie and being like yeah but you know a little you imagine there'd be like a Little Rebecca we call her Becky and she'd run around she wear your fucking tiny baby shoes If there's a glint in her eye, you know, she's lying. You got to look for that glint You see this like your Blade Runner test like yeah You're in the woods you see a a baby. What do you do? The baby's on its back and it's kicking. It can't turn over, but you're not doing anything.

You're not helping. Why aren't I doing anything? Push it further. Because you don't want children, bitch! That's what you said! That's why you're not turning the baby over. Where's the waiter? Oh, god.

So always take this line up, Exmo. I'm looking at the scene, the chicken jockey's coming. Like a picture you just trying to be casual, like hitting your weed thing. And you're like, no, I can't have kids because I got like a shit ton of those diseases I'd give to them or something. I've got AIDS. Not that one. Not that one.

You could pay like your buddy to come in with a kid going crazy just to bring up the conversation. Like, God, I really hate the conversation. I really hate it. I've seen it. We'll be like we'll be out and we'll see other people with kids that are our age or we'll see like the kids won't be our age, but the people our age will have kids. And it's just like, fuck all that. Are we know people who have kids in sports and in like activities and shit? And they're getting up early on a Saturday

to take some little rug wrap to like T-ball practice or something. And we're just fucking, we're just fucking and eating pancakes over here at 10 a.m. That's our 10 a.m. Saturday ritual, fucking and pancakes. Ain't no kids, ain't nobody like- You're making a lot of good points.

What month is it? I got loving dogs- You're in California. That expire after a decade and that's it. Yeah, you're in California that you can fire after a decade and that's it Yeah, you're in California. You can get bold with it. You can get like straight up to the point where people grimace Or even in favor of it like oh, are you? Okay Trump administration weighing that five thousand dollar like child

Tax ease up bullshit, whatever and of course everybody online is like five grand The fuck does that pay for? Childcare's 40 grand a year. Like what am I gonna do with five? An electric motorcycle, man. That's what it pays for. I'm getting this. Exactly what five grand will buy.

An electric motorcycle. This is a 50-90 for my son, thank you. This is an investment. I'd probably get one with like a motorcycle. This bored ape is gonna get him through college. If I need to get medication right now, I got to zoom down to the pharmacy on this electric motorcycle. Well, that's exciting.

Well, I'm looking forward to it, especially all that stuff you were talking about, like the crying and stuff. I want to be, I want to take our son out and be louder and more annoying than him and every, and no matter where we go, if he starts crying, I'm going to be getting shit face, right? Get your wife white. My wife is the same, uh, same G. She's half Mexican too. She's half white, half Mexican. Okay. Okay. So then it's like a coin flip. It's going to come out full. Something curious. Is it the same half? Like, I don't know who's mom or dad.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Is it the same half like I don't know who's yes mom or dad. Okay Very hairy legs, you know, those knees are meant for bending, you know Pick plums are both race mixers. That was the that's the makeup So we might get we might get like full white or full Mexican. Like we might get the Aryan race or Home Depot day labor. And what's interesting is like the next kid, you might get the opposite. Next kid shut the fuck up. She said something like that last night.

I was like, Oh, what was that? Yeah. But I'm sure she won won't convince you to bust inside again. Bust? Don't talk about my wife busting. Don't talk about men busting in my wife, Taylor. I'm talking about you busting in your wife. That's still a man. That's still inappropriate. Busting. Of course, and vulgar. It's a little vulgar.

I don't bust in my wife now, Taylor. I make love and excrete my love and devotion. This is crazy. You've gone through such a good turn in my manhood. Not after Kanye. Now everything with sex and penises is gay. Now I need a break. What did Kanye do?

Yeah, now he's sucking dick. It was something like, he tweeted something like, he sucked his cousin's dick until he was 14 or something. Yeah, that was it. Is that the whole thing? There's no context, no more? Well, I mean, there was a little context, but not enough to take you anywhere else.

He said some shit about like, horno magss and sucking his cousin's dick to lose 14. That was most of it, yeah. He was 14 or the cousin was 14? That's a good question. He didn't specify how old. I think until Kanye was 14. And it's implied his cousin never hit it back. See, that's a bad lover.

What this seems like is he was being molested by his cousin, but I don't know the details. At 14? 14 year old boys being molested by how old's the cousin? 37? See, that's what's interesting. And when did it start? I'm just saying it sounds like Kanye is just gay.

You know, if you're 14, you're sucking your cousin's penis. That's what I would suggest. Well, he's gay now. I think you're jumping to conclusions. your second your cousin's penis that would be that's what I would suggest they say well he's gay now I think you're jumping to conclusions he's an African-American community it's very common to you know he did go that route where he's uh he's like you know I like Hitler but I'm not a Nazi what if he goes the I like dick but I'm not gay route yeah oh so far maybe he tries to he's gonna overplay his hand with that I don't think his fans are going to what's been the response to second day?

Is it like just another Monday? Confused Nazis. Man, wait, what can I get? Can I return the swastika shirt? Yeah, you couldn't even sell those. Yeah. So now they're having some really difficult times over there. All the people who originally were like, yeah, in Germany. Oh, yeah. Oh, the Germans. Yeah. I don't think Hitler would be down with Kanye being a Nazi. He'd be like a gay rap

star likes me. Like if you told him just that bit of information in like 19th, if you like transported just that iota of information to Hitler in 1937, he'd be like, ah, we are going to lose. Oh, we got no shot. This doesn't, you had that one album. Yeah. Well, so one album. I liked graduation or whatever. Yeah. So Kanye getting Kanye getting... At first, the first time I saw the story, I had the exact same like Sopranos veto thing where I was like Kanye was getting his dick sucked by his male cousin. No, no. He was doing the sucking, Tom. Yeah, he was doing the sucking

in the stairwell of the fucking construction yard. I don't know 14 it would have haven't done any due diligence. But it seems my guess where I feel the wind blowing would be that he had a much older cousin that was molesting him. And it started earlier than that. Probably. Is that cousin dead now? Probably. He just left it open. He didn't give us any he's really cocked to his desk for a guy who's been sucking dick since he was He really did his dirty What does Milo have to say about this cuz my teacher how to not be gay anymore?

Genius isn't you know about that Milo's not gay anymore Genius. You know about that. Milo's not gay anymore. Are you aware of that, Dick? Oh, yeah. No, I'm aware of Milo's deal. Yeah. Wait, are you getting it back?

Is your silence implying that he's still gay? Oh, yeah. Milo? Yeah. I don't know. Maybe he might be one of those drug gays where he just gets wasted and then becomes gay and then he might have a moment of sobriety or something.

Like every one of them, maybe. Yeah, or he's crying over his cat that he fed to coyotes and then he's like, oh man, I really don't wanna be gay anymore, but then here goes the diazepine, here goes the Adderall, whatever. Wow, where's the cock? That seems like Milo. Interesting. I didn't know he had a cat related coyote trauma. Yeah, he lost his cat somehow. I mean, I don't know. He lives around me

and he lost his cat and then he was crying about it, like all over, making a big spectacle, crying like he lost his son or something. Oh, this is semi recent? I think it was a couple weeks ago. Oh, okay. Ramping up the reward into outer space because there's just zero chance

that the cat is not coyote shit by now. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh.

Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh.

Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh wasn't a dog. Come on. Yeah, that would be sadder. Probably still sad. You know,

any pet dying is sad. But you know, an outdoor cat running away, you can't be shocked about that. We don't have outdoor cats here. Maybe he didn't get that memo. Every now and then I see where like a mountain lion comes down from the hills and snatches somebody's pet up or a coyote or something like that. I guess I saw the map of the population density of LA County compared to every other state in the Union and it blows most of them out of the water, the whole states. So all those people right there next to that wilderness or what used to be a wilderness, sure it's's gonna happen. I wonder if like, like, I don't I don't think any people have been killed by mountain lions have they like you would hear about that?

I bet they've gotten kids. Yeah, I know. My grandma stories to like scare me about like going off into the forest too much. Y'all have mountains in Missouri? Yeah, we got them in Missouri. Yeah. Really? Or they call them cougars. Yeah. I think that's the same thing.

I think cougars and pumas and mountain lions are all like pretty similar to the same thing. We've just got like bobcats here, but they're super rare and they're just like mean housecats. Yeah. Bigger, but they're not going to kill you. Yeah, I don't think they want to attack people. I think they want to be left alone, but it's a big cat. So like if it sees a nine-year-old and it

wants to fuck that nine-year-old up, like it's gonna win. You've got no shot. It's gonna eat you. How big is it? What's a mountain lion way? I don't know. I'm guessing. It's bigger than I knew. I'm guessing. Probably around that. I got a shit ton of coyotes around me. I hear them at night all the time. I don't know. I never see them during the day. I guess that's probably by design.

They really don't want to come out when there's cars on the road. But yeah, I kind of like them. I like when they're chittering at night. It's kind of fun. It's like, oh. Chittering? Is that the name of their howl? That's what it sounds like to me because it's not like a robust strong wolf howl.

It's like a lot of little like, like high-pitched. They're chattering. Yeah, chatter. Yeah, that's what they do. They go back with these vocalizations, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, talking to each other, the ones that are close, and then chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop,

chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, like everywhere that they won't make as many. That's a pretty good system. Yeah, we have a similar thing. Yeah, we do. If you yell at your girl, she wants more. That's what it is. If they don't hear any babies crying in public,

they want one badly. Oh, God, I hate babies crying in public. I haven't been stuck with one in a long time. I remember, I was on a, I was stuck on a flight once with a crying baby, but it wasn't that bad. But other than that, I don't think I've ever, oh, somebody brought one to a long time. I remember I was on a I'm stuck in a flight once with a crying baby but it wasn't that bad but other than that I don't think I've ever oh somebody brought one to a movie theater once someone brought a shot you could hear it in the back like what the fuck is that and you can shh what the fuck are they doing what the fuck are? Yeah. This is hostile too. What the fuck? Yeah, that is rude.

We didn't tolerate that shit. We would remove the child. Oh yeah, I got- Someone else's child, you'd remove them? Or your own child? I was talking about my own. That'd be great. You're like, sir, I've come to remove your child.

Grab it by the back of the neck. Take it outside. I see those kids having the having meltdowns watching the Minecraft movie, trashing the theaters and stuff. I think every now and then somebody will get hurt. And it's just like, I guess it's good that people go into the movie theater because, have you seen the messes after that? I feel like I really wanted to go join in, but I didn't wanna, well, I didn't wanna look like a creep with a bunch of teenagers, and I don't know any of the references. So I didn't think I would know when

to start throwing popcorn everywhere. And now I'm like an asshole. I don't know why chicken jockey means make a mess. It doesn't make sense to me. I'm not in on it. Yeah, I don't think we're supposed to be. I don't think any of us get it. I don't think we're supposed to be,

but they do, and they are. No, I think it is good that people that age go into the movie theater, but they're making an absolute fucking mess. They need to hire a bunch of 16-year-old kids just to beat the shit out of those kids when that happens. That's the only answer. Some bullying? Yes.

Just a little bit of bullying just to keep them straight. Yeah. Because they run out the fire exits when you try to catch them. So you'd have the bullies waiting outside the fire exit. Yeah. I mean, look at that. First of all, this is a theater. That's $10,000 for the 35. Yeah, that's $35 of popcorn alone, just on the ground that didn't get eaten. Did the kids put out their cigarettes on the seats in the previous picture? Like, what was that? These, these pictures look like, when that dude,

these pictures look exactly like when the Joker shot up that theater. Like that, I think that theater may have been a little cleaner than what we're looking at here from the Minecraft chicken jockey. I saw the one kid holding a real chicken. He had a real chicken in the theater holding it up. That's rude. I don't like that.

They gotta accommodate for this though. Cause this is a fun movie experience. They need like a wet theater where all the, none of this like fancy, oh, you're actually in like your living room, but your living room sucks and your chair doesn't go down far enough. But like a theater that's like the first six rows of like SeaWorld

where you might get wet and they just come in and hose it down. After every show, you could throw soda. Well, that'd be good. There's like a just watching this on top of a sluice grate and then some 16 year old sprays all the nonsense. Yeah, that would be awesome. So I'm do something. Yeah. Now, you're kind of selling me. Do something. Yeah.

Now you're kind of selling me. That does sound fun. I'm not going to go to the Minecraft movie. I wouldn't get the jokes. It's pretty high. Nice society. I don't want to pay like 25 bucks to order a beer at my seat and then get all sauced up and like have to be quiet.

You know, yeah, something about drinking drinking IPAs in total darkness, like just, I don't know, you get into this frame of mind where at least I do when I'm drinking, just like counting the seconds until the end of the beer and trying to figure out when I need to order the next beer. Maybe that's just me. You're just trying to get the time, yeah. But it totally, it takes me out of the movie

because I just start going like, you know, that Jack, that Zach Galifianakis like, just with the amount of beer like alright, that's gonna be it's about 23 minutes of beer It doesn't make it last any longer Kyle I've tried Yeah, that's your way to be rude to the people behind you. Do you imagine how loud those are at slurping a carbonated beverage? Don't they siphon into your mouth and like just give you more than you want? I've never used one. You got little loops in your straw, right? So you can drink a little at a time.

As long as the bottom is lower than the top, we got to siphon. It has a clip on it that will clip the straw. So you just clip it closed. I used to get that like planning your next drink. I used to get like as a kid like popcorn and this was before they had like unlimited bottom ones. And so I would remember like having that thought as I had like my smaller medium popcorn and Jurassic Park's about to come on and I've already gone through like a third to half of my popcorn. And I have this feeling how to beef this up so bad because I cannot ask my grandma for more popcorn because like this is already an absurd amount for a seven

year old to have. Like, so now I have to like, she would, but now I'm also the dinosaurs. I can't like that Kyle, you're muted. Yeah. But that's like, that was the age where like, now if I'm at a movie theater and I have to pee, it doesn't matter how good the movie is. It's like, I'm not going to sit here like having to pee horribly. I'll just go and I should have made it a competition.

Neeny, I bet you can't make more popcorn than I can eat. That's how I got sodas playing video games for my youngest brother. Like I'd be, uh, When I was at my house, I'd be playing Call of Duty 2 or COD 4 in high school and he's seven years younger than me. And so if I'm 16, he's nine. And so I'd be like, hey, I need a Diet Coke. And he'd be like, you're not going to trick me anymore into getting your Diet Cokes. And I'm like, timer's running. And then he's like, just huffing it, sprinting up like doing that little kid thing where they go up the stairs so fast. He like has a hard fall. That has to get back up and keep scrambling to get up there.

And then like, I never had a timer. I never had a watch or a phone. I don't know what mechanism he thought I was using to time him. But I would just like make up a time at the end of like 28 seconds. Not not great. Not terrible. Like that. Yeah, that that worked. It's just the dynamic dick. It's why you need more than one kid. Yeah. I thought of that. I don't know. Maybe we'll. I don't know. Let's see. Let's see how this first one goes. I don't know if you guys had.

I do like reusing shit. I am very cheap. So the thought of reusing everything again is appealing to me. Your old Pokemon cards that you were sitting around like Googling the worth and everything. You're desperate to not let your now wife ruin your appraisal ceremony and throwing it away. Did you get all those sent away? Yeah, I didn't get any tens.

So I guess you gotta be banging someone at PSA or something to get a decent grade on your card. I got a bunch of nines, I got some eights, and then the best one, Charizard that I had, it was like a shadowless Charizard, it came back as altered, which is just totally impossible. I'm insulted by the suggestion that I altered the car to somehow improve the grade So, I don't know. I guess I'm sitting on a I it just it went straight from the pack into the sleeve like 26 years ago, so I don't know why they think it's altered but

That's I haven't got it. You send it to a different house or however it works Like these guys just send it back to them and say That would be cool. I'd like to see you send it to the same place and see like how close their second appraisal is to their first. Yeah. Yeah. How much does that reduce the value?

What would the Charizard have been without? Like if they said 10. Just like infinity money, man. I don't know. I don't want to look it up and be disappointed. Probably, probably two million dollars. That blows. Yeah, I know. That's enough for your son to have a good life. If they just wouldn't have hosed it, the fucking appraisal stand for me.

I know PSA took my son's college away from him. But you think that guy has like a weird a like a weird douchiness to him. The head appraiser, the Pokemon card store where everyone has to walk on eggshells around him because probably man, they all got to be like taking money and bribes and stuff. There's way too much. There's way too much at stake. That shit's so valuable. Dude, it is impossible.

A shadowless Charizard here is worth $300, but the run right below it, also a shadowless Charizard, $380,000. Thousand? Somewhere between 300 and 380,000. Oh! See? Oh, you're bringing it back to me. This is months ago when I got it back.

But the near mint or the altered one, really annoyed me because if it's too, if it's so perfect that it got that they thought I altered it somehow, which I don't know how I would do. Like I'm not really very good at anything except swearing. So I don't know. Like I don't even know how you would alter it. Like drawing it back on like that painting that lady fixed or. Yeah, they should give you a little critique of it like. They can't just say this is altered and then not explain. They'd have to be like, see here, right there. See how this part, sir, is clearly in colored pencil.

That's what you've done here. That's why we're not giving you money. Like, yeah, come on. Yeah. That's probably just some guy being a head being like end of the day, doesn't want to grade any more cards. Yeah. Fuck this guy. Altered. Send it back. No, thank you. Or that guy sitting on a treasure trove of those and he has to He probably swapped it. Increase the rate.

He probably had one that was all scribbled on and he's like, Oh yeah, this'll do. There you go. Idiot. Take your scribbled on one back's like oh yeah this will do. There you go idiot. Take your scribbled on one back. Yeah well that sucks. Sorry for your loss. You're not gain. I thought that would be my big, I thought I would be the guy that found like the hundred thousand dollar card in his closet from 20 years ago when he was a kid but guess not. Nothing ever goes, nothing ever works out for me, you know? Nothing ever works out for me. No, well, you got that kid on the way. Yep, don't remind me.

Yeah, so what's his, obviously it's names, Woody, any other ideas? I'm pushing for Donald. Old Donnie after number 45 47 or is there a donald like more donalds in your life? Any other donald but him? Uh is what i'm saying Okay, don knots is cool your big madman guy you like donald draper Don draper also great

I'm on and my wife said no in hell. That's stupid He'll be like bullied forever. You're gonna fuck the kid up and I'm like, no, no, no And the more she said that it's a bad idea the more I like really liked the name and thought it was good Donny so Donald Rumsfeld, American hero. She finally had me on. She finally had me on my heels and I was I had given up the name Donald. Mm hmm.

Like, all right. Well, I'll figure something out. I'll use this stupid app you want to use to pick a name together and we'll we'll ask our friends and, you know, listen to their fucking opinions about the name and do all this stuff. If you have a yeah, how about rain? Like, no. Rain.

So then we go to this. We go to this, this big Lebowski Q&A, where she gets us tickets to this. It's a showing of the big Lebowski. And then Jeff Bridges is waits around after the the movie and does a presentation and answers. Yeah, it was really cool. She's a huge Big Lebowski fan. Yeah, I watched it this week. So I'm like, oh, that's fun, okay.

So we go there and we watch the Big Lebowski and they say, all right, there's a little break now and Jeff Bridges is coming out to talk about the movie and if you have any questions for him, write them down and put them in this briefcase out in front of the theater. So I said, okay, I go out there and I write, my wife's pregnant. You know, what should I name our, what should we name our son? I go back and sit down and she's like, oh, you asked a question? I said, yeah, yeah, yeah, I asked a question. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about what it is.

So he starts doing, Jeff Bridges starts talking about the movie. And he goes, he's going on and on about this, the character, Steve Buscemi's character in the movie. And like how important he was and how fun Steve Buscemi was to work with. And everybody's like getting, you know, sentimental about it. Because his character dies in

the movie, you know, his character in the big Lebowski. And he goes, All right, his friend goes, Okay, let's, let's read a question. He reaches into the briefcase. And he pulls out a question. And somehow I, I knew right when he pulled it out, I'm like, Oh, my God, that's I can tell. I don't know why. But I could tell that that's my question. And he hands it over to him. he goes, this is this guy says, my wife's pregnant.

What should we name our son? And Jeff Bridges goes, I'm sitting there watching. I'm like, oh my God, this I can't believe this is really happening. And at the same time as me, he goes, he goes, Donnie. And I'm in my seat going, Donnie, like, our minds are connected. I'm like, Oh, my God, it's back. Donnie's been saying the whole place erupts like, Yeah, Donnie, see me, Donnie. Yeah, I'm like, I'm like doing I don't even know. I mean, I don't even have control of my body. I'm standing up just going, yeah, yeah. In your face, right to my wife.

Yes, in your fucking face, in your face. How pregnant is she doing? She's going, ah, because the whole night's ruined for her now. She's a big fan. She's like, ah, no. She's like, no, it's all in slow-mo. And I'm like, yes, fuck you.

So for all the rest of the night, I was like, Donnie's back, man. We're back in Don. Nothing you can do about it now. Jeff Bridges, your guy said Donnie. Yeah, now you actually have a genuine awesome story for why he should be named Don. Exactly, that's exactly right, Taylor.

That's what I told her. Yeah. So you're going to ignore Jeff Ridges. I wouldn't. Yeah, that's I knew you were out his wife. You can say to your kid, you're out of your depth here, Donnie. You're out of your depth here, Donnie. The fuck up, Donnie.

Mistreating him. I'm pushing for that. I want it to be Donnie Computers is the middle name. Okay, well maybe take like one step back. Maybe she'll get the middle name. Donnie Computers? Is he gonna be a gangster? Donnie Abarco Masterson, get in here. I ain't getting Donnie Computers in here. My crypto's going off the haywire. Yeah, I think that's just like a,

I never heard it before. Like that's just like a cool sounding name. It's interesting, you know? It's not like Tom or Harry or some dumb shit like that. Donnie Computers? Yeah, sounds cool. He has to get into like a life of crime where he's some sort of money man now.

You might be hidden, you go to Donnie Computers. No, it's his real name. I think it pushed him in this direction. Italian now. See, it's cool. Everyone likes computers pretty much. Yeah. Well, that's why we named him things people like Donnie drugs, Pussy Masterson.

Get in there. Name things people like. Well, that's great. Donnie is very, very funny suggestion. What did she do? July. Okay, not too far. Oh, yeah, it sounds like Fourth of July, but I don't know.

Ooh. Johnny on the 4th of July. That would be, yeah. Dude, if you don't do this, like the stars are gonna curse you or something. Because I know this is too good. If you don't do this, Hillary's gonna be president. She's gonna be president. I'll be a bitch forever. I mean,

she's going to be all fucked up on those drugs. You're going to have to write the birth certificate anyway, right? No, she even said she's like, I know that I know that it doesn't matter because whatever is on the certificate, you'll just call them, Donnie. So this is all a moot argument. Yeah, it is. So funny because you can I can imagine that it's really bothering her. Yeah. She's not down with Donnie. So was she more down for the names like rain than Donnie? Uh, I don't I don't know.

Other than Donnie, I try to just block that out. So I don't know what what a good name is. I just to just block that out. I don't know what a good name is. I just assumed it was spelled R-E-I-G-N. Is that how you spelled rain as a name? R-A-I-N? I think it's like R-A-I-N-N, like rain, like the Dwight Schrute is, he's the only person named Rain I've ever heard of.

The more N's the better, that's what you. Mm-hmm. Rain. Oh, rain is for girls? R-E-I-G-N is for girls. Well, if I saw someone named Rain, like a King Raines, I would assume their parents are retarded and that they like didn't do a spell check first

to be like, hey, how do you spell Rain? What's Rain Wilson's name? Oh, you do it like this. Okay. You got to do a little Googling first before you fire off the names. Anyway, you know, I mean, they're all made up, but like I would stick with one of the ones that's already been made up before.

I wouldn't try to get creative on this one. Yeah. How about Al not a lot of Al's coming around anymore. That's a good one. Maybe not out. Maybe not out. Why not out? I mean, it's going to be Albert or Alfred like a King Alphonse.

Alphonse. That's pretty cool. Simon song going for him. Call it motherfucker. That's a good call. Eitherphonse. Alphonse. Alphonse, that's pretty cool. Paul Simon song going for him. Call it motherfucker. That's a good call. Either Paul Simon's call. You call him Al. If you name a kid Al though,

you are condemning him to like a lifetime of weight problems. Like Al? Yeah, if you're Al, you're gonna be a big fella. Yeah, you're gonna be fat Alfred. See, I think Al Bundy, and he'll probably be a legend in high school. How do the kids know about Al Bundy? Mine will.

It will make sure he's not culturally starved. You're going to be giving him fun facts where you're like, you see your brother right there? He never actually gets taller. Like he never grew up. He's tiny the whole time. Poor guy. I see the made up names on Reddit that people give to their poor fucking children.

And it's, I wonder if school is as mean as it was when we were kids, cause it was so goddamn mean when I was a kid. I don't think kids change. So like, I got to imagine that kids are not sensitive about gender issues or weird fucking names, even if the world would have us be so. But it's gonna like change to what they think is normal. So like if they have four girls in

their grade that are all named Khaleesi, like they're not gonna really identify that like this is from a show where she was the bad guy at the end of it and like wasn't even like... That'll be boomer shit. I'll be like being named Dorothy. Yeah. I would shorten it from Calise to like Cal or something. Something that does actually sound trendy and kind of neat. Just K-A-L, that's her name.

But Calise, that sounds like a whore's name. That sounds like a, might as well name her Ginger Candy or some bullshit like that. I went to school with a girl named Candy. It's like, what are your parents thinking? Like, with that ass, I know where you're headed. Candy? That's a big ass.

Good for Candy. Yeah. You want your daughter to be a Candice, not a Candy, I promise you. You can tell her name wasn't even Candice. It was, it had to be Candice, but she went by Candy. Everyone called her Candy. I don't know if I like that. It was it had to be Candace, but she went by candy everyone called her candy I don't know if I like that I guess Khaleesi you could you could like try and finagle that into Lisa if you're like a parent who like named their kid

During season five and then like it didn't pan out. There's just no good white trash. That's so white trash Lisa's Khaleesi Oh Khaleesi your kid after a was doing the game of thrones name mimicry white trash or is it like I only think about my only own people all right look they got their own name things all right they yeah i picture white trash is like candy but like like someone names their kid kalisi is a fucking dork like what about that kid that stabbed the white kid at the track his actual name is carmelo anthony that's not a coincidence those uncreated folks were just like name him after mellow

Like what the fuck is that? Oh Yeah, just just name your kid Pete or John or Dave or Billy Simon any of that yeah works But not fucking Khaleesi Simon. That's an older time. You name I kind of like Simon Simon Yeah, that sounds like a smart person's name, Simon. Yeah, I imagine he has round glasses, round frames. Yeah. And some of those old names, I'd be fine with those coming back, like old man names.

Ephraim. Ephraim, Rutherford, Franklin. Franklin, what a powerful name. I like Franklin, that one resonated with me too. That's a good name. I like Franklin. That one resonated with me too. That's a good one. I like that. Edgar. That's a little that's a little too old. Edwin Edgar. Those are too old. Dorothy's old as hell. But Dorothy could come back. You can call him dot. Dot's a good nickname. That's kind of our dude though. That's a girl's name to me. That's a girl's name. Yeah. Like it's, it's like, I noticed that when my grandparents talk about their friends from church, well, they'll be like, well, Dot and Elmer came over for

lunch the other day and I'm like, this is such a weird time capsule. It's like, just grabbing fried chicken with Dot and Elmer after church. Elmer to me is an uncool child's name. Yeah Elmer seems like well yeah because who's into Wilbur. Because it's on the glue. Who else other than Fudd is there for Elmer and he was always getting hoodwinked. Like he was never coming out on top. Roger that's why they gave Roger know, that's a, that's a good name. Actually, Roger isn't even an old name. I know people named Roger in my, my age bracket. I knew one. I'd want to be Raj. You go Raj. Yeah. Like I'd be Roger, but you call me Raj. That's

pretty cool. Yeah. Do you think it would have changed you into like a kid who would like misbehave more? I feel like Roger is a misbehaviors name. Well, that's the guy that's the character from Lethal Weapon. I think I would have become a cop if my name had been Roger. I don't think you would have liked it or you would have loved more than anything in the world because you already spend so much free time watching cops at work. Oh yeah, I'd have been one of the bad ones too. No other job gets you. I've been one of the bad cops. You wouldn't want to be pulled over by me. Well, you would. Like an incompetent one or a crooked one?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, crooked for sure. Crooked for sure. Yeah, like that guy. Don't insult him, dick. I mean, it's fun to be impressed. I saw your hair. You're a guest here, okay?

You would have been despicable, not stupid. Yeah, yeah. You're arrested. Never mind. Never mind, no. You're in. You play for the local football team? Well, give the Tigers hell this Sunday.

Slam them on the back. Did you see the cop that was trying to accept some sexual favors from a prostitute? He was busting, and so they hop in the back seat of his car to get it on. But those doors locked from the outside. So now he's locked in his own back seat with a prostitute with his pants down and he has to call for backup. Hey, will somebody come let me out of my cop car? And then he walks them through how it accidentally happened. He mimes it out. The next day in broad daylight

with his bosses standing around and a camera. He goes, well, so it happened like this. And then I moved and the car was kind of on angle. You know, the car's flat here, but it was on an angle. So it was parked on the side of the highway. Is that correct? Yeah, okay. So it wasn't really banked like Daytona, was it?

No, I guess not. But anyway, he explains how like the door like fell on his butt and like pushed him in like a cartoon character. He found himself locked in a car with a suspect. Like, yeah, you're fired. We gotta let you go. He's getting out. He's like now there highway winds you can be a hell of a thing. But there was a banana peel here. He's mistaken. The way he asked for help. It seems like he probably knows someone he could have used their phone.

You know, Kyle, I'm on the side of I-85. I need a favor. Fuck yeah, dude. Open this door. Right? Yeah. That's the way to handle this problem. I approach from the rear, open the door handle, turn around, get back in my car and be gone. You don't call 911 and ask the dispatcher

to give you a hand. Yeah, I would have held my cop friend's feet to the fire a little bit. I'd be like, either I get to speed and turn this iron on, and you have to allow me to do that afterward, or I get some sort of one of those cards that really rich people who donate a lot to police groups get,

where they can kind of like give that to the cop with your license, and then they like give you tickets less. Oh, you want to be like Taylor's cards. I'm going to owe you one. I need you to open this door, but not for like 15 minutes. Can you like walk away a little bit? All right. We have to let me watch. I'm like, before you open the door, stop real real loud so we know you're coming. So I saw that under the great leadership of Pete Hegseth, the Army has changed its recruitment

standards. There is now no longer a male bar and female bar. There's just a physical capability bar, it's X amount of push ups and there's like a run drag sprint thing they do and they plank and stuff but they just made it one bar for men and women. But close to that bar according to me. What? Do they have parking a car? Oh, the math.

I don't know why they don't make it my job. That's what it should be. Right. Like in my head, if you're infantry, you should meet this very high physical standard, if your leadership, perhaps a slightly lower physical standard, right? These guys can be 50 or 45 or whatever it is. Right. But their job isn't throwing people on their shoulders and carrying them out of

tanks that will soon be exploding. If you're operating like a tractor trailer, I don't know what they do, or you know, like swabbing the deck, some other physical standard. And then it can be the same for men and women, right? No fucking DEI workarounds where women can be, one third is good at the job as a boy, but it's okay, because they're just a girl.

Fuck that, right? A physical standard for people who do this job, that's all you need to know. They did, they do that as well, but there's a, for basic entry, there's that bootcamp test, and it was a low bar. And when they took the average women's scores from like now, and they apply them to the new metric,

the average woman who was applying still makes it But there is a cutoff where some of them that were making it will no longer make it, but it's stuff like a two-minute plank It was like maybe 15 push-ups or some shit. There was a deadlift Which was like women score really well in the deadlift proportionately And there was this I can't remember exactly what it's called, but you like run and you grab a mock-up that's supposed to be a wounded soldier. You drag at a certain portion and then you run back and a little sprint like circuit. That seems like the most important thing. Yeah, I guess. My biggest fear is that I'm

going to be shot out there and that you won't be able to drag me back to safety. I'm so afraid of that. I'll be perfectly capable, but I'll be too scared. Yeah. And then I saw it was actually Asmongold was looking at the old army recruitment video versus the new one. And the old one was that animated one of the girl talking about how her two moms were her inspiration. And it's like a fucking two minute Pixar cartoon about a girl with gay moms who like fire her to fight for her country because they fought in the streets waving rainbow flags and that's the same as facing down the Pakistanis I guess at the border. Indistinguishable. Don't make fun of that. You do have kind of a lot of skin in the game though. Like we're talking about fighting jihadists. The new one is the biggest, scariest dude you've ever seen. Dimension like 350 for 20 reps or something.

And he looks like Brock Lesnar from the back. And he says something like, if you're gonna be intimidating, look intimidating. It's like something crazy. It's true. It's true. It's true. Like something like that.

And it was like a 30 second commercial of just a giant Hulk of a man getting stronger than he was before. If you're going to be intimidating. Army, it's not for gays anymore. And then I think Hegseth gave a speech yesterday, I sent it to you where he's like, we want members who are fit, not fat, not shabby or flabby. Like he went all over the land.

Yeah. And then it's like, come on, dude, you're talking about leadership roles here. He's specifically talking about, like, everybody. Like, I don't want any fatties, like, commanding troops. I don't want any fatties behind desks is what it sounded like to me. And then like Trump is not the picture of health. Okay. It was funny.

They extrapolated the numbers his doctor gave and he's like a top 0.1% athlete, you know, like. Oh yeah. Something crazy like. Dude those are like him Jong-un doesn't poop level of lies about his weight and. And height. Yeah.

And height, yeah. The weight is the absurd one. He's like 220 when. I think he adds three inches No, he's taller than me Trump. Did you meet him? Yeah Was he wearing high heels he might have been wearing he might have been It was at the I was at one of his first rallies. I was in right away. I was like, I've got order number like 3000 off of his site for that stupid hat that he

started selling. So I took the hat to one of his first political rallies on like the USS Indianapolis down in Long Beach. I brought my hat. I brought my Sharpie. And after he's done, I was like, all right, this is this is good as it's gonna get I'm gonna get a I'm gonna get this I'm gonna get him to sign the hat, right. So I, I see him walking around the platform, like the the dais or whatever it is that he's giving a speech

from. And he's got this mob of people following him. And I'm like, No way, I don't want to fight that mob. I'm going to use my brains. So I get on the far side of the platform and really hulk in there. Right? Like, yeah, get a nice pyramid stance, get a nice spread leg stance. And all the reporters and stuff come over and I'm like bracing myself against them. Right? Because Trump's coming around and I'm like, oh, and they're kind of deflecting

off of me. Like, that's like a tidal wave, right? And then Trump gets there and I handed my hand real fast. And I said, Hey, here you go. And he's like, Oh, yeah, he takes any signs. I said, Hey, you have to win. You have to win. And he goes, he looked at me. First, he looked at me like I was like, there's something wrong with me. But then he looked deeper and noticed that obviously there's nothing wrong with me. He said he gave me a nod. He said like that.

And that's it. Then he won. Then he won. He was. Then he won. He was taller than me. That was my point. He was taller than me. I was hunkered down, though. So I don't know. Yeah, you weren't a power stance. So I was in an unmovable stance.

So the journalists were coming in and throwing elbows and I'm like, get the fuck out of here. Probably CNN. Probably CNN trying to come over and lie about him wearing lifts consistently for decades. One of the male reporters was trying to grab my penis. Mm-hmm, probably MSNBC. Oh, damn. Yeah.

They tried to do to you, they would probably do to that jacked black guy. Wait, what happened to Jack Black? Someone grabbed his penis? No, not Jack, the jacked black guy who like when Me Too was coming out, he was like, hey, don't mean to pull Terry Crews, the Old Spice guy commercial.

It was all the like the Me Too stuff where it's like this guy at NBC has a button on his desk that locks you in and plays scary music at you and then he's like and he's like I don't mean to interrupt but this guy grabbed my penis and every single person was like this isn't the time for you. Look how big and strong you are. This is about women. That was very funny. Not for him though, he probably hated it. Imagine the psychic torture of like being a mountain of a man and then some squirrely asshole like honks your dick in balls. At a party in front of people. You're like a gladiator that could decapitate him or just rip his head off and you have

to smile and nod like, yes sir, yes sir, I'd be happy to be in fucking Django 2 or whatever the fuck he's going to be in charge of casting. Do you think maybe you honk him back, but like too hard and play it off like it was an accident? Like crush his dick? Like crush his balls? Genius. Like really clamp his balls.

He might take that as a reciprocity, like, oh, this guy's into a movie. He's not gonna be up for the grip I give him, unless he's up for some dark stuff. In which case I'll whoop his ass if that progresses my career. That whole what's the capital of China, Bangkok joke and you have smack adventure art. Definitely not China.

It works for the jokes. It works for the jokes. Maybe Thailand. People are like, oh, that wasn't even the right country. There was no way to predict that. You're in court. It's like because this was not the right country, you could not anticipate the attack. This is an assault, sir.

I saw Shannon Sharp is in a little bit of trouble. It appears that he's in a $50 million lawsuit. Young innocent OnlyF fans creator claims that Shannon Sharp forced himself upon her. But the tax seemed to make it seem like she was the aggressor in the in the in the situation and perhaps selling her selling herself to him. Or at least attempting to rent. Yeah. Renting, renting. Yes, there was there was mention of a black baby being put in her

at one point in the text message, which is a little bad luck. Did he bring that up or did he bring that up? She brought it up, he brought it up. Yeah, so I don't know how that one's kind of fair. He says it's consensual, but I think he's married, no? Yeah, yeah, that would check out, yeah. So he's got a problem at home.

Or doesn't. I mean maybe mrs. Sharp is like Letting him get after them only fans snow bunnies. Maybe that's the play You don't you don't know what their relationship is like. That's what it just like that. It's meeting finish to sounds like it You're one to talk well I don't, you're one to talk. Well. That's not like, I've never used that as like a pillow. His is theoretical.

That would be like a, whoa, get out of here. I've, I gotta go take another blue chew. Put a mean spirited baby in me. Doesn't it seem like Elon lines getting off on that shit though when he's talking about it. Oh, yeah Yeah, well say Elon has you on look look. I'm just getting inside elons Ahead for a minute his oddly shaped head He wants to spread his seed far and wide and he wants many descendants Yeah, and obviously he can finance that forever. He's like an NBA player times a million to spread his seed far and wide. And he wants many descendants.

And obviously he can finance that forever. He's like an NBA player times a million. That's why he moved to Texas. So he picks these beautiful women and he hits him up and he's like, hey, can I put a baby in you? And apparently like there's so many DMs of him asking ladies to put babies in them that he took away the DM feature when it came to light for fear that more,

can I put a baby in you DMs would come out. What does he think? It sounds like a fetish. He talks about it as flirting and sexually, right? It seems like, and that's all he wants to do is talk about knocking them up. Yeah. Well, I think he wants the babies too, given that he all he talks, like all he wants to do is talk about knocking them up. Yeah. Well, I think he wants the babies too,

given that he has, does he have 14 kids? Am I making that up? Yes, many babies. No, Baker's dozen, a ton. Yeah. I don't think he spends time with them though. I mean, he wants them to. Just the one, he likes one of his kids.

Yeah. He's got the starters and then he's got the backups. Those other ones are worn out. He's like a furry, but for babies, like everything goes back to the babies like I don't know. The babies. I'm not true. This is but I heard it. And is he in

vitro fertilizing all these women like he's not even banging them? No, I haven't heard that until he's banging. I think that was a fake screenshot. Taylor. I saw him.

He's banging the woman. That's, I couldn't imagine being like the richest man to ever be and then like, you're not even getting it in. Like you're like going, you're going to a doctor visit to get women pregnant. That would suck. All right, well that's at least. Wait, Zach says it's true.

It's true. Well, he had ideas with his ex- I, yeah, that's a different situation. Yeah. Yeah. The had to fix her cause she was broken on the inside and it's reported. That's what they call that. That several that Grimes and Zillis were also IVF,

but that's reported. And sometimes Zach's uses Twitter as a source. It's like fact checking. So I don't know. What's wrong with that? Yeah, you can't trust social media for facts. Oh, and like also in the Elon. Well, who's saying this Zach?

Is it like a master incel 420? The Forbes website. Dude, when I was young, Forbes was reliable. Yeah, not anymore. Now Forbes. Yeah, it's like a good thing now Forbes It's a rag Forbes is selling like laser light masks that'll make you look younger Oh, okay. Oh this head mask that you can see the laser thing you wear on your head to keep your hair falling out It's just like bombarding your scalp with lasers while you sleep and this is supposed to promote hair growth

Hey, it looks like it had the opposite. I would believe You're bombarding your scalp with lasers while you sleep, and this is supposed to promote hair growth. And it looks like a hat. It's the opposite, I would believe them. I've seen the hat thing. They made it look like a hat, so it's inconspicuous. You just have a photon beam shooting out the door. Oh yeah, you look like a Styon TC in 2007. You're gonna want to get hair

on the top of your shoulders. Hey, what's wrong with your head? Nothing, it's just a hat. It's a totally normal hat that I'm wearing. No, why? Why do you? And I don't like that guy. He's got a constant hum about him. Low buzz. I don't like being around this.

If you added a CPAP to the mask, you would look like a robo man when you went to bed like your life support. That's that's a sexy look. You put those two together. Ah lady, get off me. I need sleep. And plus if you're on life support. That's a sexy look. You put those two together, ah, lady get off me. I need sleep. And plus if you're bald, you've already fixed it by putting the hat on.

It's already covered. Like you're already halfway there. You're all the way there. Just hat on. Dude, one of the worst looks in the world to me is the bald guy who wears a hat all the time. Like that. And I don't want to call anyone out, but I watch these YouTubers and there's a dude whenever

he lives in an aquatic environment. I don't want to say it's a sailing channel, so let's just leave that up the imagination. But anyway, when he takes his hat off, it's like Indiana Jones swapping that statue with the bag of sand. Like he doesn't want it to be uncovered for one second. He like switches from one hat to the next. We're like moving in and out of the water. Or like if the camera points-

Changing your pants at the beach. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Anyway, yeah, I taught a, well I was assisted to helping this guy learn to fly a paramotor and he would

switch from his helmet to his baseball cap like throughout the day. Cause you wear a helmet as you learn to fly. And it was that same sort of thing where he would like never have a, not a hat on for more than one entire second. It's bad luck. It makes me think of the conservative guy, Tim Poole, who will like, he'll be like, I'm going to go talk to the secretary of defense and he's wearing like a billabong beanie. And it's like, stop it.

Everyone knows this is not a stylistic choice. It's July. Like, and you're wearing a beanie. Like, it draws more attention to it than just being bald. I have one very close friend who has been bald for a long time. And it wasn't until just a couple of years ago that he stopped being the hat all the time, constantly everywhere guy and another friend who balded even earlier. Like I remember we were like, we went to middle school and high school together. And so he started balding when we were like 14. You get teased a lot by people when you're going bald at 14, but he's

also very tall and so that hit it a little bit. But he early on, by the end of high school was like, this is the hand I got to play it and became like perfectly shaved. I'm bald guy. And I liked that more. It was like, Oh, this is just a bald man. Who's like, this I'm just bald. That's the way this is going to be. I'm not going to hide under a, when did he go? He started at like 14, 15. Like it was, did he shave it, shave it at 15 years old? It was early twenties. So I guess like college age that he decided to fully shave it because by like, by like 1920, he had full like season nine Costanza worse than that. Yeah. Anything in your 20s and it's gone, you need to get a system. You need to either get that

full on glue to your head hair system, or you need to like seek surgery. It because most people don't look good with it shaved off. Like most people look weird. You look like the bad guy from Dune. You look like a fucking Harkonnen. Or you look like you got a lumpy head. Black people somehow very symmetrical skulls. I've noticed until I think she always going on about black people's skulls. Dude, you can you can learn a lot from a black man's skull.

I'm going to tell you, all right. This one's not trustworthy. Taylor get the book. I'm gonna grab my spinology book. Ah, you tell this one will mind. You should bring that science back. The worst look is the going bald, but still have that unicorn in the front. That there's not much you can do with that.

Oh, why? I don't know. Under the bus like that. This is someone named Choco Taco. He's a streamer. Well, it's not bully Choco Taco for being bald. He could just, but I mean, that is at the point where you can just be like, boom, I'm gonna be,

I'm gonna get kind of jacked and I'm gonna like walk around like jason statham Um jacked helps a lot. I do think that the bald look is supposed to be paired with jacked if you look like I don't know every liberal youtuber You can't be bald. Yeah. No, you have to be shredded. That would be good What would your move be, Dick? If you like went to American history, X style, probably on the top of the guys, because he looks cool, not because of the racism stuff. No, you'd have a big swastika on your back,

but then a tiny little arrow that said bad. It's a symbol now because of Kanye. So it's totally cool. Yeah said bad it's a symbol now cuz of Kanye so yeah now it's a gang symbol you can get cool jewelry just like he did you can you can come out a gang symbol or gay symbol gay I thought yeah I heard yeah it's a gay symbol now the swastika oh yeah yeah yeah now they own it sorry and sorry gay pride swastikas in the next March, that's gonna be hilarious. Rainbow swastikas, he should sell the shirt.

Rainbow swastikas would be funny. And everyone would know it was from Kanye. I don't think anyone else is selling rainbow swastika shirts. I don't think boomers would be able to take that. If there was a parade with a bunch of khaki Nazis with gay pride swastikas, you know, furry Nazis, that would be it. They would just pack it in and go die somewhere, I guess.

Yeah, I don't know. People wouldn't know what direction to be that upset at that. No, a gay flag swastika is the, like, nexus of the funniest thing to take to a protest. Yep. And like, but you have to frame it like you're there as hyper progressive. We're like, we're taking it back. I'm literally Kanye, blackface, gay, swastika. Blackface, you love Kanye. Yeah, you have big red Al Jolson lips. Thanks, thanks, because I love kind. You got big red Al Jolson lips. Bandages on your fucking head.

Oh man. Yeah. That would be good. Well, hopefully we get some more novel protests. I want it to get confusing. If I go, I don't know. I think I've got like, I'm probably gonna start. My worry is that I'm not gonna know when to cut,

to shave my head until it's too late. Like I'm gonna start getting getting a whatever this is, skullet when it's all long in the back. Because it's got to be, I don't measure it, you know, but it's got to be more receding than when I than when I started growing my hair out 10 years ago. There's going to come a time when it's time to cut it off. And I just realized that I've I've've spent so much time and I never built enough

trust with someone to believe them when they tell me that it's time to shave my head. So I don't know. I'm kind of lost. Hopefully my son will tell me. You keep coming on the way and we'll tell you. We'll let you know. It's still looking good. In front of everyone.

It's not time yet. You're still looking solid. Yeah. Still looking good. All right. You're still in the mix. This is not it. It looks pretty thick though. Like you're not vibing balding to me. You're still in the mix. This is not it. It looks pretty thick though.

Like you're not vibing balding to me. You're telling me you think you are? I don't know. I got like a notch that's making its way in over here. I'm worried about that because it's gonna start like squirreling around maybe. Otherwise it's pretty good. There's no way to tell, but it doesn't look

like you have any of that like, uh, Yamaka pattern baldness, like where some people, they lose it up, up high. Yeah. No, that's where my dad lost his hair started. Uh, but he kept most of it. So I think that your dad is who you need to look to. I've heard from enough people now that that, like your mom's side grandpa is a bunch of horse shit that I believe that it's like a wives tale thing now. Google says it is. They say it's like a wives tale. A wives tale, yeah, that's not accurate.

Okay, thank God. Because I've had a vested interest in believing that because my mom's dad was bald as can be and my dad has like a ton of hair. Somebody told me that drinking a couple of times every week and doing cocaine sometimes, not a lot, not too much, but every once in a while was good for your hair. Is that person a doctor?

Well, he was a cool guy. Was he head of health and human services at least? No, he had a lot of good business ideas. That's what I also remember about. Yeah, no, I think that's right, Dick. Just a response to that. I heard that. Okay, you can't go too hard.

Don't go nuts. Little bits, yeah. Yeah, you don't want to get thin and attractive. Yeah. What could make you lose your hair is if you had the blessing that was the ability to name your son something after what Jeff Bridges told you to stolen from you. So I think your wife should take

that into account. Is this the kind of stress she wants to put your hairline under? Not letting you name little, little body? That's not what true love would be. That's not what true love would be. True love would be letting you do cocaine a couple times a week. That's way too much. That's way too much. That's way too much. Drink a few times a week, cocaine once a week, add Mo's.

And only when other people around have it. But then you find a Coke dealer. I wouldn't even know where to start. You just find your own, you find really into Coke and they know. Like hypothetically or what? Yeah. Like dude, I swear to God, my go-to idea to go Steve Buscemi with the skateboard and walk around college, you know,

Hey fellow kids, where's the pot? Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that. Listen, you can't just be against something. You have to be for something better. If you can top that idea, I'm all ears. We do know a customer from the Patreon.

I don't know. Oh, get in the mail. Do you think that's better than? You got a real prison. Yeah. Who knows? Maybe he's stealing Valor. Maybe he's stealing Coke dealer Valor could just be spinning a web of lies. I've seen him sell it on live stream, but okay. Well, I hadn't seen that. I hadn't seen the drugs with my homie. Homie live streams himself doing Coke deals. It's hilarious. He's just outside his fucking apartment in a lawn chair and some shady person

comes by and he's like, I like doing a drug deal on, and I'm like, why are y'all watching this? This guy's amazing. He's a Patreon. He comes every month, which by the way, I think it's this weekend. And he inherited a large sum of money.

Do you guys remember how much it was? Oh, at 850. 800, yeah. 800 grand. Wait, is he that meth guy? Did I meet him on this show? Yeah, probably. No, no, no, no, no, no.

You're thinking of meth head Matt. This is a different person on our show's universe. This person here is just a fan and he inherited 800 grand and he spent it all, almost all of it on hookers and blow. And by the way, the hookers exotic. Some of them have penises, but you wouldn't know it by looking at him. And yeah, yeah, he hookers, exotic. Some of them have penises, but you wouldn't know it by looking at them. And-

He has a lot of hookers. Yeah, yeah. What do you know about that? He's not a cashier. And anyway, as he starts running out of money and he needs a plan for his future, he's become a cocaine dealer. That's like how he's hedging, running low on cash.

And well, it's not how I would counsel him to go. Maybe he's like a hooker mutual fund. So yeah, this is the world I live in. Yup. I'm glad you like the show. The TNA 500. Yeah. He's investing in hookers and cocaine.

And from what I could tell when he was talking to the other patrons, who seemed to, a couple people seem to know a good bit about selling coke, which is such a funny group of guys in there because he's like, dude, I'm spending this much a month or a week on coke. And I'm doing this much, he says the amount and then like the like amount of grams or whatever he's doing a week and immediately someone else goes, hey, don't mean to butt in here. But I sold cocaine for a long

time. And you're, you're definitely eating like all your profit. Like you're barely above water if you're doing this. And he's like, no, I'm not, dude. You don't know what, what it costs. Yeah. That's the point idiot. That's why I'm selling the Coke in the first place. It is. It is. I'm doing it because I'm addicted to Coke. I think he got a nine to five too. He got like a nine to five that the Coke is just to support his Coke use. Like he made that a non-net negative in his finances by selling a little extra on the side outside, literally on the side of his house. It's cool when you can finance your hobby with your hobby, you know.

Thank you. Yes. Make your vocation your vacation. So true. And what better way than by spending $800,000 on prostitutes and becoming a co-worker. Can you imagine the amount of fun that must have been though? It's been a hell of a time. 800 grand on prostitutes and drugs, traveling the world. His way out of this might be a memoir. If he's a good writer, he can write a good memoir. I don't know. He read his resume. It might not be, I mean, I bet it would take some aggressive editing because he's going to be on Coke.

So he's not going to be, you know, he's going to be pretty garrulous. He's going to keep writing and writing and writing, but maybe, maybe that's a good path. Dick, how different is Coke compared to Adderall? I've heard them. Oh, they're very they're very similar. Really? Yeah.

Uh, well, yeah, because some people take it in like both of them and then freak out and don't want to talk. Like people think it makes you really chatty and gregarious like 80s movies but it makes a lot of people like clam up and seize up i don't know people take it before they uh they perform and they always fuck up because then they get tongue-tied and can't really talk comedians performing we're talking about yeah anybody um okay yeah yeah comedians singers Yeah, comedians, singers. The blues brothers. I don't know.

Explain the blues brothers. They are fueled by cocaine. That movie had a cocaine budget. Cocaine is like short-lived, whereas Adderall can be hours and hours of fun. Yeah. can be hours and hours of fun. Yeah, people usually take cocaine with alcohol too, which becomes a different drug than just either on their own. So I think a lot of people probably associate the wildness and like just franticness with that, with mixing them.

With the alcohol making the next level up of intensity. Yeah, Adderall just is like, I can see how you get locked into stuff, but then I read something that said you do get locked in, but the locked in benefits are counteracted by everything you're doing being totally wrong and fucked up. So that in the end, it's just, at the end it's not that much more productive

than just being sober, which in my experience is a hundred percent right. A huge do adderall sit there for four hours and then say, well, I don't know. I don't know why I spent, I don't know why I spent 90% of that time like rewriting this widget on a program that was perfectly fine the way it was.

But at least my Spotify playlist is organized. Yeah, yeah, good job. You got no work done, but your kitchen is spotless. Now my jaw hurts and I'm exhausted. With something creative like that, yeah, that's definitely true. But like, you know, then you've got the Blitzkrieg. So sometimes I

think it can help you get some shit done. I think that was more math. I thought we're talking about math. Adderall isn't like crystal math, right? Yeah, it is. It's so close. It's closer than we are to chimps. Adderall is crystal fucking math. I always imagined crystal math having a much shorter duration much higher spike but i've never done crystal meth math i haven't either but it's the same shit it's the same shit and the stuff that the nazis were

handing out and and us the allies were handing out was just methamphetamine yeah you know they'd be up for two or three days straight what is juderica called like and fedemine salt salt day straight. What is generic Adderall called? Like amphetamine salt? It's the same stuff. It'll get you, you'll go, go, go, go, go. And you'll want some more. Like I can't think of a better drug for if you had to get some shit done, like Invade France. Yeah. So you don't like being on Adderall? You'd prefer being on cocaine, Dick? 100%. Well, I prefer being sober, but you know, that comes by default. I don't know what your preference is. Why it's hard to achieve. Too hard. Liquor is the best one. The other, I don't know, man, doing

hard drugs is, I'm too fucking old for that shit Makes me all the next day to take me two days to recover like to start thinking again Like a taste of liquor Do I like the taste of liquor? Yeah, I love it. What do you mean? Do I like the taste? I'm on the other end of the spectrum I hate the taste and I don't really like being drunk and I really hate being sick afterwards, which I get the taste and I don't really like being drunk and I really hate being sick afterwards, which I get super easily.

I have a hard time getting any kind of buzz without the other side of it being so much worse than the high was. Oh yeah. Yeah, it gets worse. The hangovers get worse every year. So. Oh, is that, you think it's an age thing or?

Oh yeah. The whole thing? Okay. Yeah, it gets real there was a time when I'd be Hang or be over at like three for me and then it went to six and then I went to the next day and now I now it's I'm now I'm back to three, but it's just the next day Gets that gets worse So you just have to drink more at the front to have more fun to make up for the longer hangover

I think it has to do something with your brain rehydrating. I think it affects fighters too as they get older. I think it's not just the concussions that do away with that little gelatinous layer of goo you've got between your brain and your skull. I think when you get older, you're not as good at keeping that juicy after a weight cut because they dehydrate themselves down to make weight and then they try to rehydrate but their brain is the last thing to rehydrate and the first thing to dehydrate when you're doing that cut. So they've got a dry crispy brain rattling around and they're more easily concussed.

But I think that happens to old guys too. There aren't too many after 35 champions other than Volkanovsky and a couple of heavy weights. Yeah. I think like how much of the hangover is just that what you were saying, like you're just depleted of all your electrolytes. And so your body's all fucked up because like there's no more potassium or magnesium or whatever. Probably a lot of it is that, but also you're poisoned. Your liver is literally removing the poison from your body. And so you're recovering from being poisoned as far as your body's concerned.

But I think the dehydration is a big part of the like dull sort of not with it can't wake up and get in the moment kind of feeling from a hangover. So I don't know. I never really had to hangovers. I would always hydrate really well. Like if I was going gonna actually drink drink. When we would drink on here, I would drink a lot of water, like our Gatorade, like between the drinks

and before the drinks and after the drinks. And I was always good the next day. I mean, that is the common knowledge idea. It's like you just water up and Gatorade up, and then you're not. Yeah, I always hear stories about guys like you. Yeah, there's one guy I met, there's one guy I knew would up and Gatorade up and then you're yeah, I always hear stories about guys like you There's one guy I knew a drink of Gatorade before he started drinking Not trying to read with vodka in it no real Gatorade I swear

Oh, shit, string him up. We've had some rough drinking episodes on here before. We've, when I start, once I'm drunk, I just keep drinking until I get real, real sick with it. Then you get deeper in that hole where you go from like, oh, the next day would have still been rough to like now the next day is like, you're waking up with that so dry it's alarming mouth. mouth like is there any good liquid in my body right now? Clearly not. You need to go pound some fluid. Not the last drinking episode but the one before it I think was the worst. I can still

remember how like awful I felt after that. Yeah the pepper pepperoni nipple episode. That's that's me. What is that? I created a scale of Pepperoni nipples to grade anything and everything I really just making fun of this this sailing youtuber that would he like because she's got big old pepperoni nipples And and when I'm drunk I get mean so, you know, although clearly I Ordered those pepperoni and that poster board's mean. So, you know, although clearly I ordered those pepperoni and that poster board's sober. So. I think that's probably why you weren't horribly hung over

is because you must've eaten half a log of pepperoni getting those electrolytes. And those greasy pepperonis were like, like really fortifying me against all that, all that vodka or whatever I was drinking. I saw this, I saw this video where a girl did like two, it was two videos and she was taking a shot and then doing her blood alcohol content, the breathalyzer.

And in one she ate before and the other one, she just did it and then ate afterwards. And the one where she ate afterwards, it was like night and day, like drinking before eating anything versus just having something in your stomach know, having something in your stomach, but having something in your stomach, she was totally fine, felt fine, sobered up at the end.

And the other one, she abandoned the premise of the video and just started pounding more shots, like two hours into it. It was really funny. And I said, ah, this explains a lot actually. Like this is, I wish I had known this 20 years ago. I did a drinking episode with breathalyzers and I was surprised cause like, if you take a drink

and then blow in the breathalyzer, it'll reach stupid high. And then if you wait or maybe like just, I don't know, gargle or something, it'll go down to something much lower. Yeah, cause if like you just take a drink, you're like blowing alcohol right into it. And it's like, oh, I didn't know someone could be 1.0. Do y'all ever know anybody who had to get one of those blow-in-goes put in their car? No.

You know what I'm talking about, right? So if you get so many, if you had so many DUIs and shit, they put this mechanism in your fucking car and you have to blow into it. It's a breathalyzer and your engine won't start if you blow hot. So people have all these workarounds. They'll get their kid in there. They'll work out like a balloon. Anything that you're like. Your own breath just.

Well, no, you'd inflate it with a balloon pump. You know, you're over there like. Oh, I thought they pre-gamed it and kept like a big balloon in the car for starting. Hey, don't touch that. That's my driving balloon. It's expensive and you have to pay for it at your own expense. So like, I have a friend of a friend who had to get the, I think it cost five thousand or six thousand dollars to get this thing put in their car. They've got it. It's a hundred,000 car. So maybe that made it cost more. But but just the idea that at your

expense, because you're such a menace to society, they've put they've gone to that instead of just taking your license away. I don't like the DUI stuff. Like, like, it's easy to catch one in your life, or maybe even two, we live a long fucking time. And if you there's nothing wrong with drinking casually, shit can happen. And maybe it wasn't a DUI DUI maybe you had one beer and the cop was an asshole and you blew hot for some reason shit happens It's what I'm saying

But these people who have four five six seven and then they're also hurting people as they go Injuring people having violent wrecks and they still don't throw them in jail I've never understood that one if you if you're outside recklessly shooting a gun, they'd lock your ass right up Yeah, they got boogie for them and they keep telling the same story. Like fuck. I already heard this one Why don't you go for a drive cool off I'd be so embarrassed if I had a balloon Like how do you explain it to the girl? Like you're like, hey, you want to go somewhere? Like, yeah, you hop in. Do you explain to her when we sit in the car?

So you have it to gesture toward in case she's never heard of this? Or do you tell her up beforehand that like, ah, funny thing, weird situation, but because it's no point when you get on borrowing the car. Here's the thing. Whenever I turn my car on, I blow it. It's just to set a good example, sweetheart. You just have to treat it right. I treat my the car. Here's the thing whenever I turn my car on I blow it. It's just to set a good example, sweetheart You just have to treat it right. I treat my car right now If you wouldn't mind blowing into that we can be on Have a snort before I hit the road, what's the problem? Trust me, you don't want me shaky on the roads.

This is an imported car. Yeah, all of them in Europe are like this. It's like this is a Ford. Damn liberals. If you're raised with that kind of DUI culture, I'll call it, you can normalize that stuff and start thinking it's normal because my dad never did. But he had friends who I'll never forget bumping into one of his friends at the gas station dude was buying a whole bunch of beer like at least a 12 pack. And it was a rainy day like that overcast like like rainy gray day and I'm like, Hey, what's going on, buddy? He's like, not much just get me me 12 pack of Natty Light. On a rainy day like this, I like to drink and cruise. I'm like, what the fuck are you doing?

He was 100% serious. He stumbled into his truck, cracked one open, and he drank and cruised. I mean, it sounds nice when you put it like that. It is nice. He's like talking to some gay guy in San Francisco later. He's like, I talked to these wonderful men. They like cruising too.

I'm proud of how I like to do it. It's called drinking and cruising. I met a lot of friends. A lot of friends, a lot of gay feathers. They were into hard alcohol. I wonder if anybody's ever accidentally went on one of those gay cruises. Like it'd be one thing to stumble into a gay bar. Like I hear like dudes talk about accidentally

stumbling into a lesbian bar and like there's some funny hijinks to be had with that. It's all it. The people in those bars are usually really accepting and it becomes this funny little moment. But I wonder if anyone ever accidentally booked a whole cruise. Like now they're going to the Bahamas and back with 437 gay dudes. That would my uncle took his son when his son was a kid. My uncle and him went to Disneyland. My uncle's like a Navy guy, like a real buttoned up, you know, by the book, military man. And it was gay day when they went to Disneyland and the way you signified if you were gay was by wearing a red shirt or something like that for AIDS awareness or something. So obviously

of course they showed up not knowing any of this and in two bright red shirts and they walk in so it's like an old guy and this like maybe he's 18, but nobody's asking But he said Some new some free shirts One of my mom's friends they accidentally went on gay day and of course this is like 1998 in the in the like Baptist Church South, so they're just, oh, faggots everywhere, Kyle, you wouldn't believe it. Smooching, smooching right there in front of Donald Duck. Oh, you wouldn't believe the things we saw. Oh, she have smelled strange.

Overchlorinated. I've never been. I went to Disneyland. I've never been to Disney World. That's a bad one. Disney World is a good one. Or that I'm aware. I'm fully aware. Trust me. Trust me. We went to, we were in LA and it was like, let's go to amusement park. And someone was like Disneyland. And I was like, that sounds like a place full of roller coasters. Cool. There's actually a bad ass roller coaster park in LA. I don't know the name of it, but we drove past Magic Mountain on the way home from Disneyland. How old were you? 27? When he's like 9, then Disneyland might be a fit for you. I know you like the big roller coasters, but you can enjoy it. Yeah.

No, I was a big boy. We drove. I mean, I paid a taxi driver to get there, but I was so disappointed in the fucking Disneyland because I love roller coasters. It's one of my favorite things about Six Flags, Atlanta here and being close to Six Flags is the access to those roller coasters.

It's sick. I can't believe, I don't know if it was you Taylor or another group of guys that we were we were talking about the E. coli outbreak in like 1997 or 98 in Atlanta at the water park. Yeah, we were talking about that. They were like, oh yeah, that's funny, funny. And then I linked the article and it's like tragedy in Atlanta because there were deads. Like people died. This kid had diarrhea in the pool and there was a mass E. coli outbreak because other people ate the shit water and they died from E. coli.

And I always say like, I remember it vividly because I went to that water park the week after it reopened and it smelled like a bucket of bleach and chlorine rubbed into your face. That place was sparkling clean. It was the cleanest water park there's ever been. That was a good time for all the ones that didn't get in. Yeah. Yeah. Even those, I mean,

good water. Any, get a diarrhea or was it like a jaws attack? It was like a national news story when it happened, like the kid diarrhea into like the lazy river or something. That's what ice is going to do next. They're just going to go around diarrhea and everything. Oh, I hate that. You get it all over the fucking food at Chipotle again and make me have to think

twice. Not really. I didn't think. Yeah. They found out this Chipotle gets white people smaller portions. Well, that is unacceptable. Who gets larger portions? Black people? You know, people, I thought Mexican was actually my guess because no, they don't employ Mexicans there. It's a Mexican restaurant. Oh, it's the, I thought it was the customer's race that mattered, not the person's working there.

Well, only one of them is a variable in the equation. So yeah. So you're saying both be variables. I'm confused because it's only black people that work in Chipotle in my experience. But oh, I didn't know. Yeah. Well, you you live in Atlanta. Oh, that's true.

It's only black people that work everywhere. My cloud's my judgment. Yeah, I was just in my head. I'm like, is there many black guys are there at my local Chipotle? Am I getting fucking hosed? But they're mostly. White or Hispanic. Black people only work at the airport here.

Oh, my God. Go to the Atlanta airport if you want to avoid whites. If you're allergic to white people, head over to TSA at the Atlanta airport. You'll be you'll be straight as they say. There's no white people at all. There's no white people. They are TSA Atlanta single handedly props up the African American fat woman community. Like without them, those women would be starving in the streets because Like without them, those women would be starving in the streets because it is nothing but overweight black women patting folks down at Atlanta, like scanning you through.

And it always has to be. That's my kink. Say less. Let me check your asshole. I thought you never asked. Is it a really good, is it like a well-oiled machine they got there, the TSA in Atlanta? Of course. it really is. I've never had any issues at all.

It's the busiest airport in the world. I think most of that is the packages that UPS does and all that business. But still, I've never had any issues there. I had all my issues at Chicago and fucking JFK and those two airports have fucked me over and lost my shit nowhere else That's pretty that's only two airports with how much you've traveled that's not a bad ratio Yeah, that's the worst when you get there and you don't have your shit like I went to paintball one time It didn't have my paintball gear It just didn't come

Or that one time when they just took all my belts inexplicably like hmm I don't know why I packed extra belts, but I did and they took them all. I don't know if it was in Mexico, Dallas lost my luggage. But I just made a wit out of it. I don't know, I bought something to wear the next day and spent the next day in Mexico City and did touristy stuff, it's cool.

Would you be any less likely to do that Mexico trip today with all of the stuff that's going on? I would not be less likely. I don't think the Mexican citizens are, at least the ones I bumped into, like the dude riding five people maybe on a motorcycle gave a fuck about international politics. No, I wasn't worried about villagers accosting you

as much as difficulties with border patrol or like going in and out and anything potential like that. I'll just lean on my whiteness. They'll let me right back in. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. This is a North Carolina driver's license. This is worth it. El gringo. I don't think they're gonna be blown away by the North Carolina driver's license. Now I wonder if they're going to actually follow through and strike the cartels down there because there was so much talking to cartels as terrorist organizations and they did but I want some follow through I want some drone strikes.

Dude it's a hundred days and he hasn't passed any legislation. Like I can't think of any. You want more change? That is not my complaint. No, he hasn't done enough. He hasn't done anything durable. Like maybe that's good, maybe that's bad. It depends on who you are.

But all it's been is like some executive orders that are easily overturned a bunch of D D E I Red meat, you know, what do they remove? Pronouns from email signatures shit like that. Yeah, but look at everything Israel got you I mean, come on I had to share they're almost a war with Iran and We've been bombing Yemen like every day for every day. Is it yeah in a row? I don't want to exaggerate I it's a lot of days recently. I don't want to get my I hate it

I like I try to get my facts, right? But we are basically at war with Yemen and we're just don't talk about it Who's in Yemen that we're bombing? Is it the who the who these the who these yeah, we're trying to keep the shipping industry safe in that area and to keep the shipping industry safe in that area. And I guess it's mostly European shipping that goes through there. You're welcome Europe. Yeah. So are we gonna, you guys think we're gonna have a hot war with Iran? I mean, I don't think so. But maybe if things are going better for Trump, he'd have that ammo to like now a hot war with Iran. But everything seems to be going so poorly in all sectors that I don't know if he can swing that one.

And I don't think he should. He's going to push for a new nuclear deal with Iran, some new piece of paperwork with them. And he's trying to manipulate them into doing that at gunpoint. The way he put those bombers within striking range Uh is a huge flex There's no telling what what that flex cost just to move every all the all the pieces into position on the board Like he's done jump in. Yeah, I always wonder what the variable cost is because sometimes they'll be like, uh,

We spent a half a billion dollars putting these planes here like, okay What would we have spent if we were just training back in texas with them or missouri or whatever? We spent a half a billion dollars putting these planes here like, okay What would we have spent if we were just training back in Texas with them or Missouri or whatever? Because that's the gap that I care about if we spent a half a billion, but we were gonna spend 450 million anyway Who cares? Right? It's just a little bit different than our normal budget. Yeah, it's more though. It's definitely more Because they flew those things from Missouri to the Indian Ocean and they're two billion a pop and we've only got 18 of them. And you know, they refuel them on the way there, which wouldn't be necessary in a normal training

exercise. I don't even know if they do normal training exercises in their $2 billion planes. It seems like you train in something else. I don't know. I bet they train refueling over Missouri sometimes. Yeah, probably. You got they train refueling over Missouri sometimes. Yeah, probably. You got to train somewhere. May as well do it kind of close to where you're going to land. Well, I'm all for them bombing the Houthis because that seems like any president in charge would be tasked with dealing with that and would do the same thing. I think I'm more concerned with Trump's more interesting moves. Like, I still don't like that that guy hasn't seemingly gotten a fair shake and he was sent to that prison. I don't think that was a good guy. He's definitely got gangbanger friends and affiliations and seems like something weird's going on.

But they didn't, they don't have any proof. And I would want them to have proof if they were doing it to you. You know what I mean? Come on, if my wife was that fat. I'd want to get deported. Have you seen okay? There you go. All right, let's shift to that cuz you're damn right. I'm Down there he's like whispering to that Democratic senator. Don't worry. This is much better than home Trust me, trust me. Bitch, bitch, bitch, all day long. He was thinking his fucking piña colada. Trying to give his fair wife. And they dug up... Are you one of these rights guys, Kyle? Like Constitution, new prospects? Yeah, I like rights.

That's gay. I know, it's very gay. We're marching over, marching over everybody. Just a steady march. Get the hell out of the country. Enjoy the concentration camp, bitch. I'm okay with the Gulag, just not for us. Look, I like that America first shit.

I like that we get our own special rules. I'm okay with that. I think when American steps foot in a European land like France, they should all do that thing. You know, like when a president comes on an airplane and they'll, Hey, Jimmy, Jimmy Carter's on the flight. So everybody's like, fucking yes, sir. Oh, president Carter, sir. Can I shake your hand? That's how it should be. When an American walks the streets of France, they should put their prayer rugs down and pray to you. Yes, they should. They should put your prayer rugs to the side of the canal and an American is walking through.

Bow to me. I like that. A little bow. A little bow. Just a little, one of them. I'm the black box. Yeah, I like that. That's a good idea. We should get a little more respect, no matter what country we go to. But here at home, I don't like the idea of anybody being snatched up and sent somewhere they shouldn't go without us proving it first. And they keep asking them to prove it and they act so like, ha, you want us to prove it? Well, here's some not proof.

What do you think of that? You like that not proof? Here's some hearsay. Oh, now you're on the ropes. Aren't you? You like that? Did you say, here's some shit I just made up. Oh, now you're done. Yeah, you're done. Their informant didn't even claim to know their informant claimed he knew someone who knew that he was an MS 13. And then they sent him to El Salvador's Supermax prison and for life

on double here. So they let him out of there. I know. Oh, those tattoos are proof to you. I've seen Ms. 13 tattoos. You know what I can tell? They say Ms. 13. They don't say smiley face, church of Christ or whatever the fuck is tattoo said. His are a little nicer than some of the tats I've seen on the other inmates. Like a Satan Jones I noticed had a lot of teardrops.

I don't like that. Well, it's his real name. I don't make light of it. His name is Satan. That's not in, well, what, you know, whatever. He just likes crying. You know, those tears, those tears could mean anything. Just some tattoos on your knuckles.

He's emotional. He's an emotional guy. He's emotional. He's a crybaby. That tattoo, that teardrop does not say He's emotional, he's a crybaby. That tattoo, that teardrop does not say, I killed, you know, Luis. He's like Blade Runner.

That, you know. Oh, well it says MS-13, I stand corrected. Okay, got a pot leaf. We got like a smiley face thing. A crucifix and a skull. Is that MS-13? Is that legit, like what's going on there? Yeah, it's close enough.

You know, we got a guy with tattoo knuckles. Somebody said he's in MS-13. We got to deport millions of people. Let's not pretend this guy, you know, is a fucking pastor or whatever a good person. No, he's probably not a good guy. But this is not proof of MS-13 in the slightest. I think just the fact that they took MS Paint

to write MS-13 above each one is fucking weird. No, that was really on his knuckles. They're tattooed in a weird way. This hasn't been doctored. That's weird. It's the same font they used above. Yeah, well, this guy, that's what you know. They don't tell you.

He loves Calibri. We're like, we're like, I miss their tea to always use it. Two times Roman. Yeah, yeah. This guy's not a Times New Roman gangster. He's a Calabri. He likes apple products. Yeah. Yeah, I, they let him out of the gulag they had him in and they put him in some other, like, decent prison or at least an El Salvadorian prison that's considered decent. So as far as I'm concerned, yeah, just he's in a different prison, not the hellhole prison. So I think justice has been served frankly. Like, like, like he's not,

honestly, like, like he's from El Salvador. He doesn't belong here. They want him out. He's out. He ain't coming back. He's not, he's of the gulag. He's into some better facilities Seems like it's the best. I can't tell if you're joking cuz he was like and his wife Asylum he was granted asylum. The judge said not to deport him so he was legal at the time and they rounded him up for nothing with no trial and Sent him out. So like He should at least be like illegal. And even if he was, I'm not sure if he belongs in a prison,

you know, Salvador for that. Oh, what do you mean? Well, you win some, you lose some. That's me, I get that all the time. Look at you, bleeding heart, liberal. Well, there's a right and wrong in this. And I feel like sometimes like morality and right versus wrong is left out.

Too often I hear it's gonna be me, or it's not gonna be me. And I'm like, what is this narcissistic lens in which people view all this stuff? How come no one has a sense of right and wrong, or morality, or like, I don't, like, you guys can't see that taking someone and throwing them into an El Salvador supermax prison

for the rest of his life, which was their intent, for doing nothing is bad. And your counter argument is, well, it won't happen to me. Like that makes you bad too. Like let's do good things on this planet. Let's be good people. Like what is the fucking point of this cruelty? Why are we being bad people?

Because we got 20 million illegals dumped on our heads and there's no way to get rid of them other than a fire sale where a couple of innocent people are going to get swept up in it, but we got to get rid of these people or else the country's fucked. I don't want to, I don't want to live in a country where it's like tens of millions of Somalians and Haitians and Venezuelans are dumped into major cities that we have to deal with I don't even care if it's wrong to get rid or how we get rid of them We just got to get rid of them. That's what that's my take

People are like I hear the morality argument and I'm like man. I'm just not even in that universe anymore We got to get these people on we can't use trains because it's a bad look but a lot of people and we don't load them in get them the fuck out of here yeah I we do planes here we planes planes a little high cost yeah military planes I don't know why we land the plane when you just parachute them to wherever you're taking them turn around that's cool you're giving so much on fuel now you're giving them a story see Kyle's making money with this plan we charge them for this this experience we're giving parachutes 185 by the way what

jungle take his wallet on the way down yeah What do you see the conversion rate in El Salvador? You piece of shit. You just push them out over over 4,000 feet up. Now I'm with you a little bit Woody, but I just think that this guy just seemed like a not a good guy and a guy who just has so many like almost bad guy things about him that I do want him gone. And the him seeking that asylum asylum thing, it has just been abused by like not only by the people applying for it, but by the system itself, they're like, oh, what you wanna do is say that you apply for asylum.

Do you know that word? Oh, trust me, I'll work the paperwork out so you stay here forever. They were just waving them through at the border and then giving them those like, we'll see you in court sometime situations. And this guy was granted asylum for what? Because he's afraid of El Salvador and like being threatened there? Something like that. Yeah, I've gone out of my way not to defend the man and instead defend

like the action and the process and stuff, because the man could very likely come up to be not such a good guy, right? Apparently, I think the claim is that the El Salvador gangs were after him, and I'm like, okay, why is that? Why is that? Why were the gangs targeting you? Did they want you to be in the gang? Were you in some other gang?

I'm asking questions like Tucker Carlson would, just good faith here. And so then he moves to America and he applies for asylum because that apparently is the only legal process that works for people. You come and you say, look, they were after me in El Salvador, I need you to help me, I need to escape where I came from.

And they said, okay, you're in. So don't deport this man, he's on his way to being a legal immigrant. And then the Trump administration comes in and says, ah, you know what, judges, they don't deport this man. He's on his way to being a legal immigrant and Then the Trump administration comes in and says ah, you know what judges they don't have armies. They can suck a dick We're sending them to an El Salvador Supermax prison is nothing you can do about it And that's where my right versus wrong Like senses start tingling. I'm like, you're just a bad man like you're you're not a good person if you're for taking guys like this seeking a better life and Throwing them in an El Salvador supermax prison. He's not accused of breaking any laws here. He has no criminal record here broken

Illegally, he's an illegal. No, the process is you come in then apply for asylum while you're here. So He was illegal before the process of Before he applied for asylum. I didn't know it was years. I didn't know about that. So, but he had done it and he had legal status at the time they threw him out. And I'm just like, I don't know,

what they really should do, and I bet a lot of people agree on this, is have a better immigration process so that people don't have to come here and then apply for asylum after the fact and try to work their way in with probably a packet of lies. You know, like you say, I'm a political prisoner over in my country as a way to get in. I don't like that the whole thing is lie based, but it's the only thing that works because we don't have a legal immigration system that works in this country.

The only thing that jumps out at me is like, like, I don't like the supermax El Salvador prison thing. Like that seems to be the sticking point for a lot of people. Like he came to America illegally, he doesn't belong here. And so I think it would have been totally sufficient just to be like, all right, you know, we're putting you on a plane back to El Salvador. And then your country's government can decide what to do with you. But like whether or not they charge you for gang affiliation, whatever it is, is up to them. We're just getting you out of here. We're not

sending you to a super max. We're not sending, certainly I do not like at all the like floating of like, man, maybe we send some American citizens to Superman. That's ridiculous. Because to Kyle's point, we're American citizens. We do have more rights. You don't like that either? Ship in the American? No, if you're an American, you should serve your time here in our horrible prisons. Oh man, oh man. What's the crime like in your city? St. Louis? Where's the nearest city? They're losing the league.

Yeah. Oh, maybe you don't know. St. Louis. It's bad, right? It's horrible. It's there with the third world countries. They compete at an Olympic level in like, hammer murders. And you still don't want to get rid get rid of those guys no they just should be locked up here ah wouldn't it be funnier if they were locked up well it would be funnier bad bad guys consider which, a lot of them.

What's wrong with you? That's true. I'm being kind of a homo right now. Like a woman. No, why can't we lock them up in our prisons? It's too nice. You can't beat and abuse them in our prisons. But you can slave.

Yeah, but we have legal slavery here, which... Yeah, they have illegal slavery. What they're doing down in the South, they'll rent out prisoners to fast food restaurants in town for zero dollars pay. So you you leave jail, you go to KFC and work a full day. You go back to jail and go to sleep. The jail gets paid for your KFC wages. And it's the same.

It's the same people who decide when you get your parole. Right. So why would they parole their best fry cook? Yeah. And it's the same people who decide when you get your parole, right? So why would they parole their best fry cook? Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Why? Why? We're paying like $6 million, $12 million, whatever, to send people to El Salvador.

It's costing us money. We could slave them out at KFC in Bama. All right? Maybe. KFC what's cooking baby? That's where they're going. How about this, Jack? We get some Aryan brotherhood guys staffing some Chipotle's equalize this bowl

fiasco that I've been informed about where apparently I'm being attacked with racism when I don't even realize it. Did that black guy in front of me not even have to ask for double meat? They just loaded his ass up. They load them up. They load them up. And you know what? I'm furious. It's always chicken. Well, they are, they're more liberal

with their chicken scoops than they are with their steak scoops by a good bit. Even though they already price that into the fucking equation on the board. How much is extra chicken? Yeah, it's like four bucks, 450. Dude, I swear to God, if I slipped a single across the counter and said, this is the kind of tip I give to people who really double up on the chicken.

You could get that quadruple chicken for a buck. You could. And like, but I've already shared this in your burrito. That's the kind of tip I give for people who think a dollar is a tip. And you can like, you can hear the shackles off the linoleum, off the floor. They actually do have to hand it to the next guy in the station. And that's what that I would have said it before, but there's nothing better than like both tricking the guy into giving you full scoop meat and then you pontificate.

Perhaps I will have double meat. Then he has to boom, because he's already established the scoop size. And then lines of communication shatter. Sometimes someone has to walk in the back, they hand it to the 18-year-old girl running the register and then you just lie. Sometimes they don't even put that mark on there with the marker, the S with a circle around it to show your fat. No, they just handed it with that. They like they're expecting me to pay it forward. Fuck you. No, no, I'm taking the double meat free of charge every time I can. I don't even know what Chipotle really I don't eat. I don't know how to order a Chipotle.

I feel like I need a tour guide. I know how you guys are so like- You might go into the wrong place too. I'm equally lost at Starbucks. Like, do you want a coffee? I'm like, I mean, if I knew what I was doing, I might get one. But I don't know how to order coffee here. You know, they got the sizes and the types and all. I just feel like they have their own sub-language of how to order a coffee at Starbucks. It's Italian. Well, that's probably the lost language of Italian. What do I gotta do? I never did figure out what venti is. I, uh, at chipotle, you walk in and you let them know that you want

a burrito and they, you know, throw down the burrito and they start, you start pointing, right? You just tell them what you want in there. Like subway, it's Mexican subway. Yeah, way better than subway. Are there rules? Like you're only supposed to point from one in this group and one in that group. Oh no, you leave the rules. This is like what a king would ask serfs about.

Like, you're farming every day, do you? I'm like, that's quite the endeavor, isn't it? I don't eat there, man, I don't know. You walk in and it's got the food on the placard and you say what you want, and then they give it to you and you exchange legal tender in exchange for the service. I would probably pick amongst, there's some pre-mades, right?

Where maybe there's a name for one, I'll take the heroes turkey.. No none of that not it Place I don't know. I can't pass your time. Come on. We're gonna do it right. I'm gonna make you What he all right we Make you a make you a burrito. What do you what do you what do you want? I got your tortilla here You want a you want rice on the chipotle? You want rice in there? Yes. All right. White rice, brown rice? You're the line!

White rice? All right. Black beans, brown beans. Pinto's black beans. I don't know. Black beans? It's beans! Black beans it is.

The man knows what he wants, folks. Chicken, barbacoa. You want steak? OK, barbacoa is not a But chicken, barbacoa, you want steak. Okay. I got spicy chicken. Real word. Barbacoa is a real word. No, it's made up. Pick your meat.

Pork, chicken, steak, steak. All right. One scoop or two. One. There you go. You want guac with that. Okay. So no, no, it's too fat.

Okay. Any veggies, lettuce, uh, to pico de gallo sauces lots of sauces here pico I'll be a little pico you want that you want the juice or drain the juice drain it the question they ask no you can dry pico dry pico is a way too long okay cheese dude I feel like I just did the thing I do with the frozen yogurt places where I combine too much and it's actually shitty no no no you have not enough ingredients yet. Do you want cheese in this? Yes.

On the spot. It's just so important. I changed my order. I'll have what that guy in front of me had. No, the burritos already halfway made. You can't go back. And then one of those ex cons is going to leap across the leap across the counter and out for this shit. Just turn my camera off in the middle of the cold day.

I'm throwing throwing like I'm always doing the trying to add just as much stuff that they can barely close it. Well, like if it's looking a little light at the end, I'm like, all right, fucking some pickled jalapenos, throw that in the mix. I literally don't want one that barely close. I want one that I can eat without spilling on my shirt. So when they roll it, it's a show

because they're a good burrito meister. It's like crinkling the edges up and rolling it up. And it looks like he's creating a fusion reactor and reaction in there. The burrito gets all stretchy and gummy from the steam they hit it with. So it's just it's just this. It looks like it's about to explode looking at it. It's almost translucent. You can see beans poking through a little bit.

It's like an old woman's hand skin. This is just a mess. I don't want that. You eat it over a bowl of chips and you create nachos. Jesus. I haven't done that before, but that is what is your response to this. Are you shocked that I'm not a Chipotle expert or the only one? Because everyone's always talking about Chipotle and like there's all their experience with it. It's like, I don't know.

It's like, I talked about the main things. Where did you guys, was this the same time they taught you the electric slide? Something everyone but me knows. Like, where did you learn these society? I know the mashed potato. I could do the electric slide. No, no, no. You start going to weddings and I'm like, I just wasn't here when the electric, I don't know why everyone knows this. I can lie down a little. No, the mockery. I get to a wedding. I'm like, you got a few drinks to me. I'm like, I just wasn't here when the electric slide was. I don't know why everyone knows this. I can lie down a little. I get to a wedding, I'm like, you got a few drinks to me.

I'm like, we'll figure the electric slide out. I'm not gonna not dance with everybody. We're gonna figure this out. Little too much lateral head movement. But then by the second time around, you learn it, but you're also wedding drunk. And so then next time, you don't remember. Yeah, I've done a lot of electric electric slide but I couldn't do it solo. I mean yeah well you

wouldn't want to do it solo. I'm a half second behind the rest of the team. Don't be intimidated by these burrito places. If you see a Mo's or a Willie's or a Chipotle and you pull right in there and and and you let them know you want a burrito and and just you can't fuck it up. I'm going to pull in there at 2 30 p.m. Be like, all right, this place is empty. I'm going to need some guidance. I'm a Chipolt virgin. Let's learn to bang. They're going to they're going to hate you. Yeah. Well, I did lead a little weird. The fuck did you say to me? He's got his chains clanging because of what he said. He's an Aryan Brotherhood guy. Trying to learn to bang. I thought you could teach me.

I wanted to know, is there any actual evidence that we're being victimized by the food portions? Or is that just like a Reddit tale someone was saying? Let me... You serious about that, Mark? a little bit of both I think. You serious about that Mark? Clark. You serious about that Clark? Fucking, fucking Christmas vacation.

Fucking, uh, all the kids are around, Chevy Chase goes, hey kids, uh, we just heard from the weatherman, he spotted Santa over Detroit. And the kids go. Oh wow We're in Chicago. So it's kind of close by yeah Sure spot that Clark Heard concern the Air Force just spotted Santa's sleigh

Love that fucking movie. Yeah, I think the Kilmar guy is a bad guy And we'll never find out if he's a good guy because he's gone. I do like how forcefully that Pam Bondi has been just like he's he's he'll never be a Maryland father. Like I'm so mean and so hardcore. It like seemed like they stole his Ravens hat before they sent him. No, they just stuck some like minor league Venezuelan baseball teams hat on them. You saw him get the hat though.

That's why, look, you've got evidence on somebody. You have flight logs and DNA and you like pictures and video and shit. You don't say, he was wearing a Chicago Bulls cap. And you know what that means. You know what that means, right? Right? He doesn't think LeBron's the goat. It means he supports a shitty basketball team. Like what the fuck are you talking about right now?

But they said that the Chicago Bulls hat is an MS-13 gang sign or it means that he is in good standing with them. And it's just like, man, if you're saying something that flimsy, then the rest of it's probably equally flimsy. So that's worrying. But yeah, I don't like that he got sent to the Gulag, but they let him out of the Gulag.

He's in some sort of regular El Salvadorian prison, which is probably very nice. It's probably like those- I was wondering how it compared. Like from what I'm told, the El Salvadorian supermax prison is very unpleasant, but kind of safe. Yeah.

I don't know what's true, but like there's so locked down that people aren't abusing each other. If he just shows in handcuffs. Like to each other. Are you making that up or is that real? No, I mean, every time I see them, they're like, they're in this weird position where their arms are behind their back.

They need to lean forward and stuff. And they're like giving a backwards hug. I think that's a punishment. I think that somebody did something wrong and they're doing that to them now. If you just put me in an El Salvadorian gen pop prison, I might ask for the strict one back. Yeah, they have nothing there. They have like the list of their personal items is like five things. They don't even have a blanket. They don't have a blanket.

Like we didn't have pillows and I was like, what don't. What do you mean we don't have pillows? You people just don't sleep with pillows? No, we don't get, we're not allowed. I'm like, well, can I make myself a fucking pillow? They'll take it. Well, well, Mr. Mize building himself a pillar Do they would do that and then the old guy who had like two mattresses they look Leon what are you doing with two mattresses? You know better than that. You're 74 years old and it's like bro Are you confiscating that old man? He's all he's like trying to get up so they can take his mattress away Fuck So these guys don't even have any of that. They're sleeping on metal racks.

They didn't let you have pillows, Kyle? No. So would you use like a bundle of clothing or something to make? That's what I do when I camp. I took a sheet and I stuffed it full of like my sweatshirts and sweatpants and then bundled that up. And then in the morning when the lights came on, I disassembled it quickly so no one would know.

And then in the morning when the lights came on, I disassembled it quickly so no one would know. I can't imagine you were the only one pulling that maneuver. A man's pillow is his own business, Taylor. You don't press it. Damn, that sucks. That sounds awful. There was a guy who had taken the like freeze dried coffee, came in this little container with a snap lid. It was small, it was like maybe eight ounces. And he had used it all.

And then he had also gotten like a roll of Oreo type cookies that are in like cellophane wrapper. You tear it open and now you can never reseal it. So he was storing the cookies in the empty coffee container and the assistant warden came through and picked it up and went, shake, shake, shake. What do we have here? This 40 year old woman goes, what do we have here? And I'm like, what do we have? Oh my, I'm like peeking over trying to see what's going on. Cause she's going like cell to cell looking for contraband and she's like

Pours his cookies at she's like cookies and an uncertified container Not today Like took this man's cookies away this 45 year old man lost his oreos We're gonna sit here and watch you eat every single one of them. No, she took them. I wish she'd fat, because that would be really important contraband for her. If she was like,

I'm gonna take these for further study. Yeah, I'm gonna get a good, let me see where these came from. These might be outside cookies, it's hard to tell. Just took that grown man's fucking cookies away. So yeah, they'll take your pillow away in a heartbeat But those guys know Salvador don't have fucking pillows. I haven't had cookies in so long

Cookies are amazing treat yourself Yeah, there's no cumbersome ordering process with cookies You just go buy the ones you're gonna go to subway walk out with just two cookies That's a fat move The white chocolate macadamia cookies from Subway. You know what Subway does now? They make a foot long cookie. No they do not. They make a foot long cookie.

They shape it like a sandwich and they make this big griddle cookie. What? Yeah. Cookie technology has advanced since I stopped eating cookies. See what I'm talking about? You look away for a moment, the world passes you by. You stopped eating cookies completely? Well, I mean- He's off, he's clean.

It's not like a moral thing. I just try not to be fat. And I can't remember my last cookie. I mean, it's probably three, four years ago. Like, it's not like I'd never have a cookie, but- Oh my God. That's so long. So I'm Googling this. That's a long time.

Yeah. Holy shit. You haven't had a cookie in your 50s yet. You've yet to have your inaugural 50s. That's so long. So I'm Googling this. That's a long time. Yeah. Holy shit. You haven't had a cookie in your 50s yet. You've yet to have your inaugural 50s cookie. I just don't have cookies very much. He doesn't have those rock-like cheat days. No, I do. Man, do they come in any of the Subway flavors?

I would imagine so. I would imagine they do the white chocolate macadamia, which is their premiere cookie if you ask me. There's one that has like craisins in it or something, right? Oh yeah, that's probably craisin' oatmeal or something. That sounds pretty good. I found the Subway press release. Subway reveals sidekicks, an irresistible collection of footlong cookies, churros, and pretzels. And some of these are bold, like they're almost like a deep dish pizza. Wow.

There's like entire Oreos sticking out of the middle of it. They really dropped that whole healthy thing, huh? You think they can bake a foot long cookie with the same quality control standards they could the round ones? Sure. Why not? You can do like a griddle cookie. It's a little pan little pan you slide the pan they got those little ovens already they toast the the sand

the sandwiches in. I feel like it requires a greater baker. I don't know I trust the experts uh this the sandwich artist is over at the way yeah I mean they train for years to get that job you don't just walk in the door of a subway and start making sandwiches. No. An Oreo cookie launched in January 2025 according to my research. That's the one I'm looking at. The new Oreo footlong cookie and inside the cookie there are at least six cookies. It's cookie-ception. Yeah. I'm in with that. like, yeah, I'm in with that. If I were on Shark Tank, I'd be shaking his hand right now. I want to do a road trip to St. Louis with an extra helmet

and bring Taylor to Subway. You're like, God, I'm gonna need help ordering. No, I can go to Subway. Yeah, Chipotle is the same thing as Subway. It really is just that, you know, pick this, pick that, put it in your, but they'll put anything in there you want them to. They'll make you a big lettuce burrito if you want to. Yeah, you can pick any this, pick that, put it in your, but they'll put anything in there you want them to. They'll make you a big lettuce burrito if you want to.

Yeah, you can pick any of the worst vegetables on earth to put in your sandwich. There's a great YouTube video where the guy like makes the wettest, sloppiest burrito imaginable just to piss the guy off. Like it's a bit like, like it's an actor on both sides making the sandwich. And he's just like, yeah, the pico de gallo, but just the juice, just the juice.

And you want rice? No, no rice. Just the rice water. Just the rice water. Like by the end, it's just it's just a wet, soaked burrito with goo all over it. I have seen those like prank videos from probably 10 plus years ago now where it's like just some shit head going to subway and like having them make like a mayonnaise and olive oil sandwich where they keep asking like,

is that enough mayonnaise? And he's like, no. And they're like the whole sandwich is mayonnaise and they like get it to the end. And then he just bleeds. He just runs. And he just wasted, you know, a quart of mayonnaise and like a bunch of pickles. That's, that's kind of shitty. I always liked Vitaly and his early stuff. He would do the Russian guy. Like he would walk up to someone on a park bench. He's wearing a black suit, black sunglasses. He is Russian Russian. so he has the accent and he would hand them a black briefcase and he would say something like 30 seconds,

your life or the money, you decide and he'd walk away. And people would think it was a bomb or they had just been part of a drug deal or something and freak out and like, you know, run around. It was good footage, but now I hear poor Vitaly is in custody and they're not going to let him out for a long, long time. What country was it? What was it?

The Philippines or something? It might've been the Philippines or Korea even, but he was arrested for menacing that woman. She didn't want to take part in his like street interview and he's like, I'll fucking kill you. I'll fucking kill you. Like he said something crazy like that. Like, like, like interview and he's like, I'll kill you. I'll fucking kill you. Like he said something crazy like that.

Like, like, like he kind of was like, you know, he figured she didn't speak English, Asian countries, cameras. And he's also, you know, a little edgy. So they locked his ass up and they're talking about like two or three years before the trial. Hmm. That happened to Amanda Knox, too, right? Do you guys remember that? Well, she killed somebody that's in France, right?

She didn't kill anybody. Oh shit. She was more than innocent. She's like super innocent. But what she did do is fuck a couple guys. So this like her reputation got shattered, Foxy Knoxy, Amanda Knox was her name. And the thing is they knew she was innocent

like years before they let her go and just kind of hung on to her because it was a little embarrassing to be so deep into the thinking she was guilty. I remember there was a whole like CNN investigates or Dateline special or something about it. That was like 25 years ago though. It's been a long time.

I don't remember the details too well. I heard a podcast about it. They's like 25 years ago, though. It's been a long time. I don't remember the details too well. I heard a podcast about it. They talked to her to the world was smaller back then because there was there was no social media and there was only like, like Nancy Grace had so much pull seemingly she could make something a national story with her nasty ass. I remember that Natalie Holloway thing. That girl that got killed down in Aruba. Oh my God, that was in my house for a decade. My mom watched that shit religiously.

He would think that my sister was Natalie Holloway and that she had been- Did her boyfriend get convicted? Did they catch him and find her? It was like a Dutch dude or something? Yeah, yeah. We should take Greenland as punishment. 100%.

Yeah, it was a rich Dutch dude. And he killed somebody else too. I think he got away with Natalie Holloway thing for a while and then he got caught for another girl and then also got punished for the Natalie thing concurrently. The real piece of shit who liked murdering girls on the beach it seems, yeah. Yep, well, before we jump to the next thing.

Well, it's fine, because it won't happen to me. Seems like a lot of work dragging a body through the beach. Yeah, I'd pick an easier thoroughfare. Yeah. Maybe. Put them in a hat, sunglasses, get on the subway. Yeah. Drag it through the beach. It's hard to even run on the beach. You joke. Did we talk about the guy who found the dead body on the subway and had sex

with it? We did. We did. I think I like that Taylor can't remember. I don't know. Probably. Maybe. Maybe. If anything, it seems like we've talked about that a couple of times, like different incidents in different cities. I believe that. It's a new craze sweeping the nation. Some guy just getting on the, some guys just getting on the subway being like jackpot. That's how you know it's a banger. That's how you know it's the exact same thing. All right. This episode of PKA is brought to you by prize picks.

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What would be really brutal is if a team from Canada other than Toronto wins, because they're going to that's going to be the most that's gonna be the bitterest city on earth. If like Edmonton wins the Stanley cup and you have everyone in Toronto, like throwing a tantrum. Cause that's Toronto, like amongst the top four or five teams favorite. Yeah. Yeah. They're, they're looking really good. So we'll see Edmonton is not bad either, but they're, they have a harder first round matchup. This episode is also brought to you by lock and load the premium ejaculation increasing supplement that everyone's talking about. You probably, you guys, you know, you probably can't even go to visit friends and family without someone bringing up this

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Have you have you played it at all or do you plan to play it? Because I keep watching videos and it looks great. Like it looks so much better, so much improved. Yes. Like like just the visuals in general look way, way, way better. The game seems to run great. They're already making mods for it. I think I'm going to do a run through it. I haven't played it since 2006, but maybe it's improved.

Yeah. I never played Oblivion or Morrowind. So the only Elder Scrolls game I've played is Skyrim and this is like as good and refined as that. There's a couple like funny incredibly glaring like like graphic issues where if you like are holding a sword and you face towards any body of water at all. It's as though your sword is a million miles high. Like you look out over the ocean and your sword is casting a shadow like that's, you know, 10 feet wide and all the way across and like sometimes it kind of warbles and

looks a little weird. But as a whole, it looks just as good, if not better than Skyrim. The But as a whole, it looks just as good, if not better than Skyrim. The level up and tech tree shit is more fleshed out, less simplified than Skyrim. And I'm still, I've only got, you know, the past two evenings of playing, so I'm like level five. So like, it's not like I've delved that deeply into it, but I'm like excited for it.

This is an awesome game so far. I foolishly thought that like your charisma amount in this game was gonna be the same level of meaningless as Fallout 4 or Skyrim, where like you can be wholly unliked, but you can still get information. And so like, I didn't, like I wanted to try as many different things as I could and see if like, is the sword

play in this game better than Skyrim is the magic better and so I picked like a spell sword character which is kind of like splitting the difference you can kind of be decent at both of those things. The sword combat is like exactly the same the magic I'm not advanced enough to see. But it's incredibly, incredibly fun. But I am being bullied up and down Tamriel, no matter who I talk to, because my personality is so low, my charisma is so low, that people are like going out of their way to be mean to me in public. The NPCs that I'm not even engaging with. Like I walk into a new city, and this would never happen in Skyrim. A guard's just like, look what riff raff just blew into town. And then the next guy walks right by me and he's just some vendor and he's like, get out of here. Or like, this place is going to hell in a handbasket. It's like walking back. Just being mean to me. I will talk to a lady who

like opens the conversation by being like, ugh. And then I find her family's magic mace, the electric mace. I didn't bring it back right away. I used a ball charge first. And then I brought it back to her and she took it from me and was like, oh, thank you. You don't know how much of a relief this is for my family. This is our entire, our heirloom wizard mace. And then like, I go to like end the

conversation after she's given me like a little reward, not enough reward, by the way, she said thank you. JD Vance wouldn't have accepted this as a reward. He would have demanded more. And as soon as I like close out, because they could say like one more line when you close out, she's like, I'm done speaking to you. I don't like you and I'd wish you'd leave. Like that level of thing. Every vendor I talked to, I tried to join the fighters guild and the guys make fun of me the whole time. And then he sends me on a quest. And as soon as I try to like talk to him again, because there was another verbiage option that I didn't select his opening thing was like, I don't like you. I'm not gonna speak to you.

I can't get clues. I can't get hints. Every NPC is bullying the shit out of me. And I still haven't put any points into it because it is kind of funny just being, because I'm so low level now. Like if I get made fun of with like a level 80 Skyrim character, it's like, guess what? You're paralyzed and whisked away into the sea

as some sharks gonna eat you. Here, like I'm like a level five bitch. And so I can't even talk big. There's like a way to convince people of things that's unlike any other game I've seen where like you can, on any NPC, you can go to like persuade and just, you know, not even with a goal in mind, from what I can tell, I'm still so early.

It's just like trying to pry for a little information that might send you on an additional quest. Maybe you get something cool. Like pickpocketing, but yeah. And there's like four options for everything and it'll be like boast, joke, compliment and some other thing. And they have different responses. Humor doesn't carry on to the game. It does not. It does not. They don't like me. And like they have different personalities and they like shows like a rim of like how likely they are to like it. And so I found like one dude who is on a like a steed with armor far surpassing mine, just riding through the wilderness.

I'm like, this guy seems like he's a good guy. I fucking know. And so I try to talk to him. He's immediately Kurt. Not a good sign. And I go to persuade and I'm like trying to make my likability number or whatever my persuasion meter go up. And so it like starts at, you know, 27 or something. And then I give him an admiration and his response is like, oh, that's too kind. I haven't heard words like that in a long time. And then the number, the number ticks up. And then I'm like, okay, okay, he likes me a little bit. I go to boast. And I'm like, boast, this seems really risky. I go to boast and he's like, huh, coming from you,

I somewhat believe it. And I'm like, oh, we're in the mix. We're in the mix. And then I say, I'm like, all right, I just have to tell a joke. And he's going to give me some information. I click on joke and the like number total goes from like 71 down to zero. And he's immediately he's like, disgusting, get away from me. And then I have to try and talk to him again. He's not playing any of the jokes. I have not gotten one person persuaded at all yet. Everyone hates me. And sometimes they'll like the joke and then you'll boast and he'll be like, I knew you were a liar from the second I saw you. And then then leave. It's the funniest NPC interactions of any game I've ever played. So I'm loving that. Are you playing on Xbox? I'm playing on Xbox. Yeah. It's free on Game

Pass. So anyone else get game? Yeah, I think I'm going to do the same. I sent you this clip here. It's a you're talking to an NPC and she goes yes, they're over here and this and that and the other Hang on. Let me do that one again Over here this and that the other They left that in they left the double take She's doing oh yes, and then she's like hang on let me try that one one more it's got take two in there that's very funny they made the argonians and i can't uh the the kajit the kajit and uh and those races not look like polygonal nightmare people anymore however

if you want to create a polygonal nightmare, you can still do that in the character creator I don't know. It looks great. It's it's really cool of them to put it on game pass I don't know what it costs if you don't already have the game and It's definitely still got that jankiness to it. I see how abrupt some of the NPC conversations can be It's sort of just like warps them to you and the lighting gets all weird and dramatic and they're smiling that way They they look at you with these dead eyes. It's eyes. It's definitely got its own janky charm. So I'm going to try it out. I don't remember the storyline too well. I just remember Patrick Stewart there at the beginning as the emperor.

That is funny that like, as soon as the game starts, it's like this giant star, Patrick Stewart, and he's already like, in but a few hours, I'll be dead. So you're not going to get, you're not going to get a lot of play in this gigantic game. I cashed my check. Yeah, he was in there for like 30 minutes worth of work and took a check and never did. I just like, I'm like laughing playing it at how over the top mean every single character in this game is to my care. Not one person has had a kind word. Even when I return a quest, there'll be like the stock line of like, well done. We appreciate your efforts for

the fighter skills. And then as soon as I'm like, all right, maybe I'm starting to win some friends and influence people. Hit B to get out of chat. Who let this one in? Just, oh man, it's so fun. I can see how a lot of the Oblivion fans are like, oh, a lot of Skyrim people are going to realize this was the better one all along. Pump the brakes there. You have to be seen only level five, so I haven't seen any of like the magic and stuff. I do like you can cast spells while you like have a two-handed thing equipped, which seems like common sense. That's something you couldn't do in Skyrim. I'm not only playing one-handed with it anyway,

because that's what I'm trying to angle for, but that is a good feature. Woody, I know you've been playing the most difficult games you can find, but you did mention you'd be open to a kind of an easier game. May 15th. So what, like three weeks away roughly, the new Doom comes out. I was so uninspired by that game. I'm a little uninspired by the commercials and the ad stuff. It's not getting me fired up. It's mid. the last month, I still watch it like years later and like get a tear in my eye. Like, you know, we need help. We need help. But like we send upon them only you rip and tear until it is done. And I'm like, you made a good choice. I'm your guy. And the music's good too. Cause like, after he says those words, it gets to your guy and the music's good too cuz like yeah after he says those words it guts You got your guy like pumps a fucking 12 gauge slams his helmet on the music's going

You're like let's go I want to rip it there who needs to die. You know what shorter list who doesn't die just get you know This is the new game. I watched the new trailer for it today It's two two and a half minutes or something for a minute in and it's all these people I don't care about talking about like oh We got a problem with the demons and the blah blah blah, and I don't Good they all look like years of one character And we're really not big fans of the Doom Slayer anymore

And then you know I guess we're gonna get him because we can't seem to beat the demons without them And yeah and I'm like this is like Star Wars when they do the intergalactic politics and the senators voting and those fucking CGI Whatever little carts they stand in. Yeah Is how badass Master Chief is how helpless he is how helpless everyone else is like the comparison of him To the NPCs in the game like there's the one scene where he grabs the ID badge it's still attached to a man and drags the man with it to scan the ID badge because he doesn't even see him as a person and the guy's like

Nerdy like IT guy like this game I see in the previews everybody looks like a Gears of War character in the background they were all hulking people with like big crazy over over ridiculous armor And it's like It's master Chi era is the doomslayer bigger than them Yeah, I don't know that the second the first game was great. The second game was great this one does look like it's gonna be not as good, but I'm gonna play it because the definitely added more like Play style stuff that shield looks neat that there's a gun that like you put skulls into it

It grinds the skulls up and then uses that for ammo that you shoot at people. So that looks pretty cool But definitely not as inspiring stupid game next. So here's the thing every time I beat a boss in these souls games we play marbles and There's this one line of trash-talking. I always do whenever the marbles race, which is what you'd think marbles running down this like matchbox track, whenever the course is an aquatic environment, I talk mad trash. Like they've made a huge mistake to challenge Woody's

gamer tag in an aquatic environment. Well, anyway, I found this game called another crab's treasure. It's a souls game. It looks like a child's game. But the whole thing takes place underwater. And I'm like a fucking souls like an aquatic environment. Say less bitch, we're there. So I downloaded this game for 1999 or whatever the fuck it was. I'll probably beat it in a couple days. But and it looks like a

kids game like Mario or something, but it looked like it was kind of hard and all the big Souls players have played it. They have like let's plays on their channel. So I'm going to do a Souls game in the aquatic environment. I'm going to wreck house because that's what I do in aquatic environments. I'm already thinking of like puns and shit that I could use. Like, you're going to go in preloaded with puns.

I have, I have. Like if I go, go, go guys, I'm floundering. Oh, you can't blow your wad here, for all I'm saying. So I'm hoping the chat joins in with the puns and it becomes a thing. We'll see how it goes. They will.

All excellent puns. It's going to be bucket after bucket. Swish is abound. This is their funny too. Or the excellent puns. It's going to be bucket after bucket. Swish is a bound. This is their funny. Do you game at all anymore? Dick, we're playing, we're playing a Red Dead Redemption two right now, which is, it's, I think it's pretty old. Um, I think we're getting ready for, uh, GTA six.

So, I don't know. I don't really play anything else. It's fun. I'm kind of making my wife play the whole game because I played it secretly before when she went to bed. RDR 2. So I'm like already I spent way too much time trying to get perfect long pronghorn hides. I spent way too much time looking for the fucking white whores. Like I'm not doing any of that again. The only I had one goal I was trying to not spoil it for by keeping the consumption a secret. You know how the

main character dies of consumption. And I was doing a pretty good job. You know, I was like, oh, you might want to play. You might want to play that mission before bed. Like, oh, look, pretty weird that he got coughed on right there. Like, I don't know, you know, doing a really bad job of trying to keep it on the deal because I wanted her to, you know, experience the majesty of the existential crisis that you go through. And then my stupid friend came over and the first thing out of his mouth was, oh, you're playing RDR2?

Oh, has Arthur got consumption yet? Like, okay, well, she goes, what? What do you mean? That was consumption? Oh, no. But playing with her, it's so funny because she gets flustered by the NPCs, like trying to hurry her up while she's in the while she's like exploring drawers and stuff, like looking for cigarettes or brandy or whatever, because every single NPC in the game is like, all right, you're taking forever, Arthur. Let's get a move on.

All right. Hey, come on, get on your horse. And you can see her get like agitated okay so she'll go and I'm like why don't you get that thing she's like because they're rushing me they're not you're overreacting to people that are not even they're not even existing they just it's like an mp3 that's doing that it It's not real. There's not even any kind of internal, like AI thinking that's also fake, but at least is a process. This is just like on a timer. Yeah, kitchen timers upsetting you. But it's fun. I don't know. It's something to kill the time before GTA six, although the

fucking baby is going to be here right before GTA six, although the fucking baby's gonna be here right before GTA six comes out. So I don't know how we're gonna manage that. Well, wait, I thought she was gonna manage it, right? What Woody? She's not working. She's not working, no. Yeah, these are not your problems. These are her problems, okay?

I'm gonna feel pretty bad playing GTA six by myself. You get a friend to come over. Yeah, you get you've got other friends than just her Yeah, obviously she's busy. She needs to watch your child, but you are not pissy and the baby's got a face away I assume I can't show the baby Running over people on the beach yet, or when is that? I think it's fine their cartoon people and like you want your kid to be cool. They look pretty real. I mean, I'm worried that you're going to raise an uncool child. Nah, he'll stamp that cool into him. Okay.

He can't watch you rape a whore. So no issues there. Did they actually release a date for GTA 6 or no? I think so. I thought it was like, like September think so. I thought it was like like September or October. I thought it was off by a year. I wouldn't be surprised if I was off by an entire year. The internet says potentially September 17th, 2025, which is like a little specific for a guess. Potentially September, if not October, or maybe perhaps

November. Yeah, this is like, I remember a decade ago, people telling me with confidence, like, George R. R. Martin was finished and in the, like, it was the next book was being edited, like 10 years ago. Is he still not done? No, he hasn't started. He hasn't done anything new. He hasn't done a new thing that, uh, look, look, he keeps making these little like side novels. He, he, he's made like two video games at least all this bullshit. They these little manuscripts. He's clearly got writer's block and doesn't know what to do wherever he is.

He's working around the arc art the margins of some big I don't know what to do now moment clearly because it's been a fucking decade like clearly and it ain't gonna happen He's old and fucking fat. He's old and fat. He was old and fat a decade ago when we were like, he'll never finish He's still old and fat and he still hasn't even made a bit of progress So he's never going to finish, you know, George RR Martin was in Elden Ring, right? You know, he wrote that? Yeah. Yeah.

As far as I know, none of these games had incest until George RR Martin was like, I got some plot ideas. And now there's brothers and sisters banging each other. He clearly likes it. But yeah, I just, I needed to remind myself when these books released, the most recent one, a dance with dragons, 2011. So, wow, four years ago, he released the fifth book. I remember thinking that it was an impossibility for the show to get ahead of the books. So he was

forced to finish them all quickly. That was my dumb ass idea. Well, I mean, we could have been full because the first one, Game of Thrones came out in 96, Clash of Kings 98, Storm of Swords 2000, Feast for Crows 2005, took a little break there. Let me ask you this. Six years, a Dance of the Dragon.

So how much time? He was cooking at first. How much time has to pass before they redo it again Game of Thrones. Yeah Like like 10 more years. Can we try again? It won't matter. He'll be dead and the book won't be out. Who cares? Who cares what we'll get ai to finish up the books. I just want to do the ones that are out correctly You know what I mean? Like like everybody's always like oh my god, they're gonna remake this property or that property They ruin star wars. They ruined Star Wars, they ruined Star Trek.

Maybe they could make something right that was wrong with Game of Thrones. Maybe they could fix it next time around. Like the Seinfeld reunion. Yeah, like the Seinfeld reunion. The last episode. Yeah. Cause it's just- Did you see that one

at the last episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm when Larry goes on trial. Larry goes on trial for basically the same thing that was the end of Seinfeld where all the Seinfeld guys go on trial. Larry goes on trial for basically the same thing that was the end of Seinfeld, where all the Seinfeld guys go on trial. And then at the end of the episode, Seinfeld comes in and tells, and sets Larry free. And he goes, I told the judge that one of the jurors

was at a restaurant and hated you, or something like that. Kyle, do you remember specifically Jerry found that one of the jurors was like in there to frame him or something like that. And they get- I haven't watched the last season because Larry's so frail looking, it makes me sad. Yeah.

And then as they're walking out, Seinfeld goes, we should have ended the last episode like that or something like that. Tie it up. Why don't we think of that? Yeah. They are looking frail now, but I guess it's like 80 years old. Yeah. I mean, he, he always looked frail, like he looked frail when he was a young man. So yeah, doubly so now, um, I haven't, I'll watch it eventually, but, but I tried to, I started watching it and I was like, ooh

He looks bad. He did. Yeah, it's raw And then like cameras get better and have gotten better as his career has gone on So it like doubly ages him like not only did he get 20 years older, but the cameras got 20 times better So he looks rough. It's always sunny used to make fun of you Remember when Sonny made fun of those shows that have the bright lights and like all the makeup? Now that's what the show is. Now that's how the show looks. They've got Caitlin with enough lights and Botox on her

so that she doesn't look old, but she looks like a blonde lizard, I guess. Yeah, that is blonde lizard. That has happened so strongly in the it's always sunny world that it's distracting. You can you can see like they don't none of them laugh the same, not just her. Like all of them other than Charlie have no like forehead expression wrinkles when they're laughing in their HD show. It's almost distracting where it's like, these people are such fucking losers.

Like none of them would look at this this good. Like Dennis would have got fat. Mac would have got fat. Mac did get fat, I guess. Charlie's the only one sticking true. And I guess Frank, because Frank is like just kind of just an orb of old now, just a fat old gross man. Yeah. Yeah. Did you watch any of I can't think of the actor

Dennis's TV show, though, the AP bio on Netflix? It's watched a couple episodes when it first came out and it didn't hook me. So I didn't watch anymore. I don't remember being terrible or anything. Yeah, it's not terrible. It's it's a little weird because I know that those are adult actors But it's like I don't know if I want to watch these high school kids talk dirty That's it like it's like that pornographic show that what he used to watch euphoria with all the high school kids fucking each other That show was dope for a bit I Who was your favorite character on that show? Sidney Sweeney, of course. But then season two she didn't take her top off anymore.

I like that white drug dealer dude. Fez? Yeah, yeah, Fez. He was my favorite. Whenever he was on screen he was my favorite. Didn't he die in real life? Really? Yeah, I think I read that after season two.

That he died. Oh he was cool. He was a drug dealer. Did it turn out Zendaya was dead the whole time? Is that is that how that show ends? R.I.P to Angus Cloud. It never really ended like it just kind of stopped after season two and I don't know it got so popular they didn't do a season three or stopped after season two and I don't know, it got so popular, they didn't do a season three or? Yeah, I thought it just wasn't keeping up. So there is no season three? I don't think so. Now the actresses like Sydney Sweeney and Zendaya

would be way too expensive. Yeah. And old. Yeah. It was funny though. And old. Yeah, they're in their twenties, dude. I didn't know Sydney Sweeney was, you know, bouncing around euphorically. Now I didn't know Sydney Sweeney was, you know, bouncing around

euphoria. I don't want to see her tits though. Now she has such a bad attitude. I don't even care about her tits anymore. Does she have a bad attitude? Yeah. What does she do? She's like, she did that shitty Spider-Man movie and said that was in part of her plan her her like career plan Oh the spider-woman or like but Madame Web Madame Web Madame Web that was it But I didn't do well turn me off on her tits Sweetie was like the it girl of pretty Hollywood people I'm not really what she was we all like her titties just just a tongue Yeah, I thought Sydney Sweetie was like the it girl of pretty Hollywood people. I'm not really sure. She was.

We all like her titties. Just just a tongue. You know, we're a big fan of those. I'm not sure if she can act or what her voice sounds like. And I don't know that. But but but I've seen her titties. Hmm. I didn't love her in Euphoria. I didn't think she was the hottest girl in Euphoria, but I bet most people do.

Who is hotter than hottest girl in Euphoria? I want't think she was the hottest girl in euphoria, but I bet most people do. Who is the hottest girl in euphoria? I wanna look out and do a little analysis. Is Zendaya, she's the other one in it, right? She was the one I like more. Yep. Zendaya? Yeah. More than Sydney Sweeney, I disagree with you.

I think there's a lot of hate for Zendaya on the internet. Why do they, what did, is, They don't think she's attractive. People hate for Zendaya on the internet. Why do they, what it is? They don't think she's attractive. People are like, that's like a million call her ugly. Yeah. She's not at all ugly, but if you, like you, you put her next to Sydney Sweeney and it's like, come on. She's too fat. Yeah. I know. No, I didn't like the editing of Dune too. And it Dune too would have been a good movie even without Zendaya, but, uh,

but Zendaya like on the poster standing in front of Paul Atreides, like a boss bitch or whatever, like, what are you doing? You know, he's a God emperor, right? This isn't a story about like someone becoming the, the like running a tire shop or dune, like, just standing in front of the God Emperor there. And then like at the end, he has to, spoiler alert, marry like a galactic blonde hottie princess to make peace.

And she's got like mean mug face. It's like he's solving galactic war right now with this. Like you can't get over your little crush right now to solve the galactic war. Like can you even fathom what a galactic war would mean? Like the trillions of lives, and she's just all mean mugging with her ugly face. And this is why you dislike the actress?

Oh, and she's also not a good actress. And I also didn't like the editing in that movie. It was a real downer for me all around. I don't like that she's in every fucking movie like coming out. I don't know why her and Tom Holland are this dynamic duo suddenly in a, in a movie about the Persians or about the, um, what's the Christopher Nolan movie? The, uh, the, uh, not the Iliad,

the Odyssey that he's doing. Yeah. I thought she was fine in the Spider-Man movies. I'm not sure I've seen her in much else aside from euphoria. Sometimes I wonder if a tennis movie. I'm not sure I've seen her in much else aside from euphoria. Sometimes I want to act tennis movie. I saw like five minutes of the tennis movie. I saw the good parts. Oh, didn't hear of it. Sounds like I have some research to do,

but I think she's getting like, I think she's getting spit. I've got some dudes while we play tennis while playing a good movie. Science demands that I inspect this. I feel like I don't have my finger on the pulse of modern culture and that's part of my job. So let's see if we can find. Did you like Dune 2? I liked the Dune movies.

I liked the first one though, so I'm sicko. I love the first. So I disliked the first one so much that I didn't give the second one a chance so I'm sicko. I love the first one. So I just liked the first one so much that I didn't give the second one a chance. I thought it was too slow. I mean the 80s one. Me too. Oh, oh, oh.

I like that one too. Yeah, with the little girl. Yeah. When Sting comes out with that mankini on, flexing on everybody, all greased up. Awesome. It's a little homoerotic, but he just seems like a badass.

As a kid especially, I didn't see anything like weird or gay there, although there's clearly weird gay overtones from his dad with those like boy slaves he has with the heart plugs and shit. That's dark as fuck. But Sting, I was like, holy shit, that's the bad guy? He's kind of cool.

But now even as an adult, I'm like, ah. I don't know about that man. Christopher Walken's great in it too. That's another movie that I saw. Patrick Stewart with the pug dude, when he's like, I don't know. That's another movie that I saw after Stuart with the pug dude when he's like, whoa, and he like charged onto the battlefield to fight the Harkonnens. And he's got a war pug in his arms. He's got his little pet and the dog goes, and he's got like, it's great. A

war pug. Yeah, yeah. I think of a worst kind of dog for war. Oh, he's coming. He's got a lot they can see in every direction Oh to Shay to Shay. Yeah, probably more of an emotional support pug I don't think they even like is there even a pretense that pugs are for anything Cuz some of the fucked up looking dogs are like, yeah But this thing like kills badger like you wouldn't believe. But a pug is like, it's slower than every other animal I can think of that's smaller than a dog and would be fragile. They're really heavy with legs that don't work well.

Like not that I'm in the practice of throwing dogs, but I feel like if I were to drop a terrier from 18 inches, it would be okay. But a pug needs to be placed gently. Yeah. Yeah. I totally feel that. You a pug needs to be placed gently. Yeah. Yeah, I totally feel that. You feel like everything could just come apart on it. Like it's made of spare parts. And a cat?

They jump off the roof. It's a whole nother level. Cats can do their own thing. They don't need that. There's this movement to reverse them back to the way the breed looked in like the 1800s. It's more bulldoggy and more sporting. Like its nose is more forward, it's not smushed,

and it has more of a like a mini boxer bulldog kind of look. Like a little guy, but still like, you know, like you go beat up a rat or something, which is probably what he should be doing. Instead of, sorry, I heard like a weird siren outside my house. Not for me, don't worry. siren outside my house. Not for me. Don't worry. It was like, Oh, who go, who go, who go. It's like, what the fuck was that? Do you hear gunshots at y'all's houses? Like, is that a thing? Yeah. But it's like hunters. Yeah. I've never heard a gunshot from my house all the time.

They like all the time you need and I don't know if it's celebratory or antagonistic. Sometimes you hear it's like. Bobo Bobo Bobo Bobo Bobo Bobo Bobo Bobo Bobo Bobo Bobo. That could go in the way. Yeah, somebody's really happy or really mad. I think there's a guy like two lots away that has 144 acres and it's my suspicion that he like

Hunters pay him to hunt there That checks out do you hear scary gun noises at your house in LA dick Yeah, we have kind of the same thing or we don't know if it's celebratory or if the Dollar Tree is getting robbed again Or it could or it could be a car backfiring. I don't know. It or if the Dollar Tree is getting robbed again. Or it could be a car backfiring, I don't know. It depends if there's like a delay and if a helicopter shows up like in about 20 seconds, then it was a gunshot. But if not, then, you know.

We've also got, we got a lot of homeless fires recently too hey figured out that they can just light things on fire and there's nothing we can do about it we kept that technology from them for so long somebody blabbed or somebody homeless don't have father huge problem and I don't have even the start of a solution of Of homeless? Yeah. They get those asylums open again. Yeah, we need like a special prison for them. In some cases, yes.

I think there are a couple of people just, what percentage of it is drug users and like urban campers? 100% is drug use. They are blasted out of like zombies. Well, some of them seem, maybe I can't tell the difference between blasted like zombies and crazy, but some seemed crazy in California when I was there. Like this poor person was just born with a defective brain

and needs to be institutionalized. Remember that black lady we saw shit on the wall? No, but I don't die like, a little I don't I could have sworn you're right next to me I might it might have been it was it might have been hex or somebody but but like They had pushed all the homeless out of LA for like e3 like they had they had put up barriers and stuff and made it look clean for all the international visitors and everybody was coming into town. And they told us this. But this black lady had shown up at our

nice hotel and she was leaned against the wall. And the black lady who worked at the hotel was like, you get out of here. You know, you can't be in the labor. You Uncle Tom, bitch. And then she went back in to call the cops on her or something. And this lady,, leaning back against the wall, just shit down it. Like, like, like, press her ass against the wall and bend that onto slash down the wall. And

like left. And it was like, 30. Like, I don't remember always for Taylor, don't be an animal. She did like that bear thing when they're expert water stealer, you know, well done. And that was one of my first, cause like from, you know, where I'm from, we don't have homeless. Like when you're in the country, there are poor people, but they figure something out. Like there are no poor, there are no homeless

in my small town. Like it's so bad here, man. We had like, they're building building they're building their own little civilizations that are they run on like fentanyl and diarrhea Like they've got little towns The the schizophrenic the Schizophrenia I do wish we had like a you know, what do you like you're saying? Like a place to put them. And we've got all these little tiny, we've got like little tiny homes for the homeless off the freeway.

But the problem is to get in them, the homeless have to give up all their sh- which is, they have to give up all their shit and they, and there's no drugs. So in order, in order to utilize these little villas that we spent probably $900 trillion to make, they have to commit to having no, they need their stuff. None of us, I wouldn't give up my stuff to go, live in a free house.

And they get kicked out if they do any drugs, which nobody on earth can do. Definitely not a homeless drug addict. So it's like, yeah, guys, this isn't really a good system. Like you're either gonna have to put all their homeless crap in storage, or you're gonna have to let them do a little bit of drugs in this little like volunteer prison that you've made,

voluntary prison that you made for them, which would be great. What the logic is behind taking all their worldly possessions away? Um, like make that make sense. Because they have like an entire house of trash that we would have to store somewhere like these guys are. Dude, they're taking over.

They're taking over the like we'll have the, like we'll have the 10 freeway. The underpass is like full from floor to ceiling of homeless people's fucking garbage. Like an episode of Hoarders. Nine different tents for one guy, multiple shopping carts, like bags of dog food, dead cats. Half of Ikea is just crammed in there. bags of dog food, dead cats, half of IKEA is just crammed in there. I think logistically it would be just impossible

to store it all somewhere, especially in LA. Yeah, I don't know. I want it to be like a mean episode of Hoarders where they're like, this has no value, this has no value, this has no value. You can keep this. I've seen that. So satisfying. There's a coffee radio. Every once in a while they'll send out where they're like, this has no value, this has no value, this has no value. You can keep this. There's a cop radio. They'll send out.

You go. Oh, go ahead. Sorry. There's a cop video where this lady was tired of the hobos living under the bridge next to her house. So just she just went down there while they weren't looking and soaked all their shit and gasoline and lit it on fire their tent their chairs all their Belongings like everything and the cops show up and she's like yeah You can't just burn people's things I've done it Cleaning house day and we'll be driving somewhere and you can see there's like nine cops and like cleaning house day and we'll be driving somewhere and you can see there's like nine cops and like 20 social workers and some fucking Caltrans guy on a bulldozer and you're like, fuck yeah, dude, it's homeless. It's clean up day today. And then you'll come back wiped out an entire section of

the park, just dug up cause they had to put it somewhere. That happens here too. They, there's a, uncertain exit ramps. They set up these little homeless camps where it's not really seen. You know, they're deep enough in the woods that they're not bothering anyone really. But then it grows to the point where it is seen

and then suddenly there's four ginormous dumpsters on the side of the road. They get filled up and everybody's gone. It happens every year and a half or so. I don't know what the answer is. I like there's we've got plenty of land in New Mexico and Arizona and out of the white places like that, where you could just set them up some kind of a fucking hobo city trailer park. But I don't know, it's just a wound that's going to fester until you start dragging them out of their hovels and Scrubbing them real good and like putting them in a drug program forcibly right like that's the yeah

It's mental illness and drug use those are the two foundations of homelessness It's not look there are some dudes out there who just like I'm the man doesn't own a piece of me This is my world It's free to live in that leave that dude alone Like if he's if he sleeps in his truck at Walmart, actually nobody bothers that those guys anyway Yeah, he's not has like a sidewalk skid row Walmart like allows anybody to sleep in their parking lot. I think it's a policy that they have that's like pro sleeping in our park I'm familiar with that policy too. Yeah.

I have a little trailer I pull every once in a blue moon for my paramotor vacations and stuff and Walmart wants you to sleep there. They must think it's good business. Yeah. And they understand that there's lots of legitimate reasons to need to sleep in your car. I've been traveling before and just wanted that two hour nap, three hour nap to power through and get home. It's like, I really don't want to stop and get a hotel.

But also don't want to be like that statistic cop video where it's like tap, tap, tap. What are you sleeping the car for? You can eat drugs on you. What are you doing here? You need guns on you? Like, leave me alone. I'm just sleepy.

I think the lowest level of planet fitness membership is like $ dollars a month Don't quote me on that but like Walmart parking lots and Planet Fitness for the showers is the van lifers Everybody knows this they're often attached to the same little shopping center. Yeah, okay Yeah, you could absolutely make your way in the US like You could absolutely make your way in the US like doing that. And like those people are just free spirits, right? They're not the people we're talking about pooping on the side of the road in San Francisco or whatever.

Taking the clothes off, screaming. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do homeless people ever make you feel endangered, Dick? Oh, constantly. They're like, because I don't, but tell me more. They're everywhere here. And if my wife's going to my, you know, she, she leaves to go to work at like six

in the morning, goes to exercise before it goes to Pilates. There's always some fucking homeless guy lurking around, surprising, getting in between where you're going in the door, doing some shady shit. There is, at some point, I used to have encounters with the homeless that were just innocuous, but I don't think that's happened in maybe five years, since probably COVID, when everything in LA went to shit. They're all menacing now. You're a healthy man with boxing experience.

The homeless in my area are underfed 20 year olds. I feel like I could grab them by the neck like an eighth grader and just be like, what are you doing? Push them away. What do y'all get? Hepatitis if I touch these motherfuckers. I swear to God, yes.

Yes. I'm listening. I'm probably naive. I don't wanna, I get a disease. That homeless Indian That's that stole that shit on my truck that time and I chased down when we finally faced off with him Nobody wanted to hit him because he looks so dirty Like like like like we're mad at you. We want to whoop your ass, but you're so ugly and nasty looking

I don't want to touch you like that's how dirty he looked I was afraid to punch him because if I got my knuckles on his teeth, I was gonna hit something. Yeah, he looked like the oldest dog. Like the ahhh. What was I gonna say? Yes, he looks like a dog you see where you're like, ooh, he's got something. Yeah, mange. He's got fucking mange. This guy had kennel cough. I wasn't about to hit him. I would hate to have to face off with a hobo because not only do you have to hope that you whoop his ass You might not he might stab you cut you prick you with some AIDS fucking needle

I don't know that they keep those handy that every one of them has an AIDS needle. They keep just in case Mmm, sticky. Have you ever seen a bomb stuck before drones? Say that again what bums and drones have you seen that? What is this? terrorizes bombsums with drones. Like, he's got cameras on the drone, you know. And then he just, and he plays like, uh, Cotton Eye Joe remixes, like, music like that. And he flies his drone around the bum encampments and just, like, buzzes them, like, eeeerrrr, eeeerrrr, and pisses them off.

And then every single bum, like, grabs their shit and tries to take the drone out. So it becomes like a game. It's really funny. Yeah, but do they get it? Sometimes, yeah. They'll shoot at it too. Like the, I don't know why the, well, to do crimes. That's why the homeless have guns.

But they'll do all kinds, they'll pull out all the stops to get there. If he gave me four cans of soup, there's a decent chance I could get a drone if it was pestering me. Right? Not a fly by. I'm not the sharp shooter. That thing's gonna be zipping around. It's up there high. No, no, no, this is one that's torturing me, right? Like coming down.

He goes and taunts them and gets close. I'm watching the video and like the one guy looks like like a primitive with a club. He's like jumping up and down and yeah in the ground with his club like like a like a display from an animal. This is great. Yeah. What are we watching this video? This one's too high. I couldn't do it.

But you could play like that you're not annoyed and then the guy will bring the drone closer and that's when you snap and spring your plan into action. You know those park benches that are made out of like, wide three or four inch strips of wrought iron, like with a gap in between them? Yeah. I saw a cop video the other day. They got called out because there was a guy sitting on the bench and he had shat through the gap. He was just actively shitting using the bench like a toilet. But the shit has to squeeze between the gaps. So it's created the most disgusting like

stalactite under his asshole. And they're like, hey, how's it going today? He's like, not too bad. You know, they have to explain to him, we're here because you've shit yourself and it's become a health hazard. They have to put out the crime tape around his area

and bring in a special cleaning crew Like it's so embarrassing that like when he gets up He pulls his pants up over the shit like he doesn't why he embarrassed or was he crazy? He was obese He was maybe 450 pounds and didn't give a fuck. He's like, oh that's shit. It happens At first they're like that wasn't me. Like sir, it's hanging out of your ass, sir. Did the shit jump off the ground and stuck to you or like, how did that happen? Cause there's act shit actively coming out of you and they're looking at it.

What me? What me? Was he homeless confirmed? I don't know. I don't me. Was he homeless, confirmed? I don't know, I don't know. Homeless and 450 pounds, seems tough to swing. Like you would need to have enough money to get that fat and to afford the drugs.

Well, the food banks are full of shit. The food banks have all this like crappy food from Trader Joe's and stuff around here. I went to one thinking it would be like free food. It was a huge pain in the ass, but they're eating good. Did you see this clip? I mentioned it on the show a while back, but it was a little less funny to me. It was this like Indian guy who like posted a TikTok video or something about like a life hack. like posted a TikTok video or something about like a life hack. And he's like, guys, just public service. You do not actually need to buy food at grocery store. You can go to any church and then

they let you walk around and fill your cart and it is all free. And all the responses were like, you fucking piece of shit. You're just like, but he posted it as if like, hey guys, life hack. You just go take food from the needy at church. Yeah, people were not stoked on him. It's nothing but green beans anyway. It's mostly green beans and corn. Yeah. I guess. I go pick through there every Saturday.

Mostly green beans. You go pick through? No, you don't. Yeah, you find some good stuff. The little diamond in the rough. It's a video game slipped in there shit like that for the kids. You know, they don't have systems.

What are you talking about? No, those. I don't think those homeless are eating a lot of like canned corn. Like, I mean, if I was homeless, I would be. You offered some of the some of the homeless people used to live around

in the city here. Like they'd like look at you like with personal offense at like if you offered to buy them food. Oh, for sure. Like you ever intimidated or scared by the homeless people? Not that they were like coming after me, but they there would be people acting erratically enough that it's like, there's no way for me to predict what this person's going to do. I need to cross the street. I just need to get away from this person because I could be the idiot who's like, oh, he's going to walk right next to him. And he's like, oh, stabs me in the neck. And now I'm bleeding out because I'm a retard. He didn't get away from the erratic shirtless homeless man in St. Louis in December. Like that. And then there were other ones, the, the little crippled guy,

he wasn't really crippled. He was kind of a, some sort of a dwarf and he didn't a very odd limb and head percentages, not like a Dinklage very odd looking dwarf. He, I was, I wasn't afraid of him. Mr. But he was out there surviving. And so who knows what he was doing. He acts like he's not scared of anything. Yeah, I wasn't scared of that guy.

I was scared of the guy who would like jabber in the alleyway near my apartment. Like he just, he was just jabbering to himself 200 yards at a time. So in olden days, they would think that that was that person casting his demonic spell, like the devil was speaking or Dean was speaking through them and casting magic. Of course, we know that's nonsense. Now, counterpoint, a friend of ours was living in LA or Sacramento, rather, for a

little while. I was visiting there and there was a homeless lady who every day would be outside his window talking crazy gibber jabber. I think she might have cursed him. He did have that little mental illness about, you know, after he after that. Like immediately after that, he had himself a little bit of a I think he's I think he's all better now Yeah How bad? You know scary bad Scary bad, you know when you talk to somebody just like oh shit, dude, you're not you're not with it anymore

He had like a whole mental breakdown where he was thinking that he was being gang stalked like like we've made fun of gang stalking here before because it seems almost like the people who write those articles are joking and that maybe this guy was like, he sent us a photo. He was actually in Taylor's neck of the woods. He sent us a picture. He visited the arch there in Missouri.

And it's the parking lot of the center where you park to go visit the thing. And it's just picture out of his window at all the cars. He's like, look at this notice anything and we're like fuck no dude what are you talking about he's like three great cars and all of their license plates start with AZL I don't think so what do you think and and he I think he thought that he was being followed by people and they were trying to get him and That he also thought that me and Woody were part of some sort of conspiracy against him

He talked to hold him not to rule anything out He was at the st. Louis arch and the st. Louis arch right it's on the edge of the state, right? the st. Louis yeah, right by Illinois and the license plate of the state, right? The St. Louis. Yeah, right. By Illinois and the license plate of the car was from the state on the like 20 miles away, but another state is like, doesn't that seem suspicious? You know, a tourist right here at the St. Louis. Someone from Kentucky, Illinois, Iowa, and Indiana. In Missouri. It's like, no, those people are there all the fucking time. It's a

real big arch. They want to take pictures with it. Yeah. I ended up talking to, I think his sister, you know, about what he was telling me and trying to get him help. Yeah. I think he's doing better now, but I'm, I think that homeless lady might have cursed him. I mean, there's something to it. It is a non-zero chance. You can't disprove it. That shit happened 500 years ago. We'd have burned that lady for sure. And now he's better. So and now he's better. So that fixed it for all we know. Somebody burned her. Any medications he may or may not take did nothing. But that homeless lady got stabbed to death,

got stabbed to death here at him She probably did she she might have got hammered Yeah, you can watch that movie thinner or the lulls like like I've seen tonight Oh, dude, that seems like a great movie for you to watch on a stream or something like that gypsy curse and all I tried to try to watch that movie a couple weeks ago and I couldn't take it seriously. He just puts that fucking curse on it. I always turn that movie off 70% of the way through and I'm like, man, what a great lady that movie is the fat suit in the beginning is so bad. Like the body fat suit, like he does not have a fat enough

head for how much blubber he's carrying around. And it just looks fucking ridiculous. And then also the real goat, she was sucking his dick in the car, even though he was obese. That's a winner. Yeah. And they also like, I only saw the movie once, but I remember like, even after he had explained, like I'm eating nonstop, you're watching me, I'm wasting away, that gypsy fucking cursed cursed me like the next scene they'd be

like why don't you eat something and he's like covered in food he's been eating every day covered in syrups and cheeses and he's like no one else is getting the comedy it's a comedy like like like under under its skin because there's that part right away where for people that don't know quick quick thing like dude's getting a blowjob in the car and he runs over the most old frail gypsy witch you've ever seen and kills her and Wouldn't you know it her like? father shows up And his man and he's way older than the than the lady you thought was the oldest person you'd ever seen

And he's way older than the then the lady you thought was the oldest person you'd ever seen and a dude gets off because he's He doesn't go to jail or anything gets off innocent because he's connected with the courts and then the ancient father Like rubs his hands really weird on his face in there and so he's just wasting away the whole movie. Yeah, that was great Steven said this go ahead. Oh, um the fat suit reminded me of this show, the show that I do with Carl from Who Are These Podcasts. I think you guys had him on. Yeah, you know that guy. So we do this like every month on Patreon.

It's pretty much become, we watch a different fat woman's fat positivity podcast and make fun of it. Like it started where we just watch podcasts and then it's podcasts of like stupid stuff, but now women are all so fat and they still love talking about themselves. So now it's just not shitty podcasts.

It's like shitty podcasts about fat women talking about being fat. Anyway, the last one we did was fat women talking about fat tropes in movies and how fat phobic they are. And you know, they're just like the worst thing ever. And she's doing the fat suit from Friends where Monica, do you guys remember that?

Where Monica was fat. They would do those flashbacks where Monica was fat. And she's, so she plays a clip on our YouTube and it's like fat Monica comes in. And I remembered it when I was a kid, but seeing it replayed, the fat suit is not even nearly as fat as these women that are in every single podcast we watch. Like it comes it cuts back to the woman and she's crying about the fat suit.

And you can tell, like she's taking up the whole frame of her webcam where she's doing it, ranting about this. And I'm almost like, well, I mean, I don't know. It seems like like I don't even think you are able to talk about this. This woman is so much skinnier than you. I don't even think you are able to talk about this. This woman is so much skinnier than you. I don't see how you're offended if that's what people think that fat is. Yeah. Uh, it's crazy.

And every single one of them. They're just watching big fat women talk. What are their, their core complaints? Is it that they feel sexy and beautiful and that they're not recognized as sexy and beautiful? Or is it stuff like, like wiping their ass is hard? Wiping their ass never comes up and I guarantee you it's the hardest part of the day. 100% or deciding what you want for lunch. No, that's easy. Some of the stuff that comes up is like you can be fat phobic at work by watching them eat.

That's come up a lot. Eating around them. Eating around them. Yeah, that's a big one. You saying that you don't want something because you're on a diet. That seems to be the biggest trigger for them. Like if you say like, I don't want a donut. I'm, you know, I don't want to gain weight or I'm getting too fat or I already had one.

Um, so much so that she'll like, she talks about going to work and like eating in her car. Cause she doesn't want people to watch her eating her second lunch. You can all see the car. Like it looks like it's taken a hard left at the Nuremberg. Yeah. It's like a kid covering their eyes. they're hiding. Everyone knows you're in your car. We can see you in there with both hands shoveling it in. They're funny though, man. Pretty much everything pisses them off, obviously. you know. So how do they feel? Is the this is just a side topic or the whole podcast is like welcome to fat and fabulous. Like episode eight where I talk about how I had to pretend that I was throwing

a party. And so I played I had like a whole Kevin McAllister set up with cardboard people when I answered the door to bring all the pizzas in. Or did that many, yeah. Or eight minutes coming along. But really, you know, and then he saw, then I tripped over the wire and all the cardboard fell down and he said, you know, I know this is all for you, you fat bitch. And one of them, this woman was talking about her, a horrible boss. She's like, I had the worst boss ever.

And she's like breaking down because it's so traumatic, but she wrote down all of the mean things that her boss said to her. And it was like, it was like an Al Bundy writer's room. Like she was like, one time, one time I was excited and I started clapping during a company meeting and he goes, be careful. You might burn a calorie. careful you might burn a calorie. And she's delivering this deadpan traumatized. And she's went through all this effort

of writing down every horrible thing he said. And I'm like, no, there's no way somebody this funny just exists out there. You might burn a calorie. That guy rules. That guy is so funny. Before we get started, just gonna do a tight five about these two whales. These two orcas that seem to have found our way. Did you sonar your way into the meeting room, lady?

I want to hear more about him so bad. How did he think he could get away with it? Seems like he did. Are they saying, and then I went to an even fatter woman in HR and he's been fired. It sounds like that one guy was the impetus for her whole like fat phobia, curing fat phobia in the workplace consultancy

that she runs or walks. Then they talk about their, they all have these, it's like listening to, it's like listening to alcoholics justify why they're drinking but like they never they they very they kind of get close to The very obvious ways they're fucked up, but they never really they never connected to they never once So it's like endlessly entertaining because they never will Financial help channels are similar. It'll be someone who makes 200 grand a year and they can't dig their way out of their hole.

Yeah. Like I just don't understand. Yeah. Stop spending money. She's like, well. And it's the same thing with fat. People's like, I just don't know. I've been eating the granola

and I've been drinking the jalapeno watermelon water. And I did that juice cleanse and just nothing comes up Stop eating start job It's just calories in cut calories out and anything more complicated than that is not necessary when you're 400 fucking pounds You're not an athlete your fucking gut biome doesn't matter you whale. It's mostly plankton eat stop eating Stop eating and start walking. It doesn't have to be complicated walk 20 minutes a day eat three normal fucking meals the size of your fucking palm That's how big your meal should be you whale that'll for especially for a girl You'll you'll end up back at 1200 calories, which is what you should have been eating since you were a 15 year old

The the last one the last one that we watched, we watched together. Again, patreon.com slash the dick show, you can get it there. The woman was midway through the through the through their podcast, which is three fat women sitting sitting in the same frame. So similar to this show, except it's three of us in a row. And their bodies are so big, it's just like a head and then it spreads out. And then it's like the next lady starts and it's sloping back up.

And then, so it looks like three potatoes, like heads that you can put little potato head feed on. Anyway, we learned halfway through that one of them had bariatric surgery. So she's like, and she's still in behemoth, but she describes going through the surgery how she had to have this talk with everyone to not have any reaction at all.

Any positive, not positive, it's not negative. She's not doing it for any kind of reason. And there's no, she doesn't wanna be congratulated if her body changes, meaning if she loses weight or if it doesn't change. It was like, do you guys watch Severance? No, no, a little bit. God damn it. That was the one TV show I thought I could talk to you guys about. There's this scene where this woman, it's like this weird brainwashing thing where she goes, where she tells them facts about this other, about them and on the outside world,

and they're not allowed to react to it. But it's like a Scientology, like you're sitting there like, okay, and I don't want you to react this way or the other. There's no good reason to do this, bad reason to do this. There's no expectation to do this. I'm perfectly fine the way I am. I'm just getting bariatric surgery for no reason.

That's what we're all gonna- They have to. It's what we're all going to They have to. We're all going to pretend. But because if they lost some weight and you said, wow, you look so good, that would imply that they didn't look as good before. And they were all sassy and beautiful. So so there is no like we're at the roof right now. Like, so their whole looks maxing their whole system thrumbles. If you if you if you admit that like losing 10 pounds is going to be a plus for them. Because you'd be admitting that that 10 pounds was a negative before they lost it, which it

like always is I've never seen one of those. Like I've seen some big women that were hot. I've seen some curvy women, some big women. I never seen a big old fat woman that looked good, that had that more like a bikini bottom doesn't fit right anymore. It does that weird thing where it starts at her belly button and makes there's like a gap between it and her pussy. Like, like get out of here with that. You're a freak. You're a freak of fucking nature. Get out of here. We're not supposed to look like that. Like, like, can we get the show on as like a guest? Can we get them? Dude, if we want to see Woody go bananas,

we get three big fat people here and what do you like? Just one quick question. When are you going to get it together? Welcome to hungry, hungry hippos. Episode one, my collegiate roommate. Like, so I got thrown out of the dorms for throwing jelly. I've told that story a hundred times. And when I came back, like it wasn't planned out and all the good roommates were taken.

So I just got an assigned roommate and this dude was like 400 pounds. And like, he was really fat. He kept the side of the room pretty clean, but. Did he stink? No, no, and he didn't even eat a lot in front of me. Clearly he did, right? But if you lived with him,

you wouldn't know why he was so fat. It's not like there were hostess cupcakes like stacked to the ceiling or anything. It was all done on the sly. And I had a lot of problems with him. Well, okay, there were two issues. He had problems with me because I fucked Jackie like 10 times a week.

And there was always like a sock on the fucking doorknob when he wanted to come back to the room. And a stink in the room when he came in. We should ask him about the smell. So he didn't like that about me. But what I didn't like about him is he didn't pay his half of the phone bill. So like that was my big issue.

And you know, like he couldn't get a job. He said he couldn't get a job because everybody's fat phobic. And I'm like, well, you got money for your gym membership that you're using effectively. He's like, no, that's an investment, right? Once I lose weight, I'll be able to get a job. And then once I get a job, it'll all make sense. And at some point it was like, I don't know.

He thought he could beat me up, right? And I was like, bro, I work out four hours a day and you can't walk up the stairs. Like, why do you think you would win this fight with me? And he's like, I'm a lot bigger than you are. And I'm like, this is not gonna be good for you. But I had just gotten back into the dorms from being tossed out.

Like, I'm not looking for this trouble. But I swear my soul, I was not afraid of him. That's not what it was. And we weren't roommates the next semester and he never paid his bill to me. And I'm glad I don't know him. What a day. Like a chain of fat guys.

I'm not looking for trouble. Hey, there you are, Woody. Woody is a big fat fat guy, huh? He's such a little thing. fat guys I'm not looking for trouble I've never had to deal with an annoying fat person or at least a person who was annoying because they were fat. In fact, I usually find a fatness to add a jovial lighthearted quality to the individual because they've been picked on a little bit throughout life. They've been called a fatty before

and they get a sense of humor because of it. So fat people are usually pretty decent people. Women aren't people though, so. Oh. And all mixed counts too. Yeah. This guy had no sense of like accountability. people. Women are people though. So, Oh, yeah, this, this guy had no sense of like accountability. That, that was like at the core of everything he does. It wasn't his fault. He was fat. It wasn't his fault. He couldn't get a job. It wasn't his fault. He had trouble with his grades. Nothing was his responsibility or his fault.

He didn't cause any of these issues. He just chronically unlucky. That is the core of everything about him. I didn't respect him. My younger brother had a roommate, this was many, many years ago. And his roommate was also very, very heavy guy, big, big fat guy. And it was that same situation where my brother would be like,

yeah, I don't see him eat really. Like when I see him eat, it's like a normal thing, normal amount of food. And then like there was something going on some event and my brother had to leave for a weekend. And I guess he got back earlier than his roommate realized. And he said he came in and it was a, his word, a shocking amount of pizza boxes. Like a, like he's like, it's been like three days and there's like, he must've been ordering pizza two times a day, a different time.

Maybe three times a day sometimes, just pizza boxes all over the place. It's like he got caught gooning. He got caught gooning. Yeah, he got caught mid fucking feast and was like, oh, oh no. That's how you think. I've been found out.

Have you guys seen the whale? Remember when Johnny's snack comes back early and catches his wife with that box of Twix's and shit? Yes. What happened to the weight watches? You were gonna quit smoking. It says, no help me. My blood sugar got low.

You know what you've done? Is that a real thing that happens to people? I feel like Taylor's gonna know this. Like if you have a really bad diet for a long time, do you have blood sugar issues that other people don't? Yeah. Oh, I would guess so. Like that's, yeah, if you like are constantly, especially eating a bunch of high sugar, like processed foods, you're going to train your body to be like expecting this regularly. And then if you go a while without it, I think that's why people with diabetes type two,

they go eight hours with no sugar or anything. They're like dead, not actually dead, but like they're beats, they're lethargic. They're not doing anything. Their whole body is just like, where's that influx of sugar that we're so used to? Made too much insulin and it ate all the sugar. So their energy levels drop out of nowhere and you do get low, you get shaky and weak and like trembling and it's bad. But that's easily solved by a solid diet

after three or four weeks. Like genuinely, you'll change your metabolism in a month, just eating, fixing your blood sugar for sure in a month or two. Yeah, I know I did. We monitored it as we did it. It seems to be one of the easier things to do where it's like, Oh, blood sugar issues.

Well, you're going to have to eat things that aren't necessarily fun for the next month. And then we're going to get this worked out unless maybe you're like 400 pounds and like you're, you're deep in the, in the hole. Then it'll take longer. Even then I don't know. Like losing weight when you're 400 must be so like easy that first hundred pounds or so must it is almost no effort it honestly like I've lost from like 230 or whatever and I've lost from like 210 several times and it's like fuck my body really doesn't want to give up these 10 pounds

it kind of thinks it needs them uh but if you're 400, your body's like, take it. It's a fire sale. Everything must go. It would love to lose 10 or 20 pounds. It just liquefies that shit. When you're big, Taylor, is a lot of your eating big meals and poor meal choices or do you night eat? Because I night eat. For me, it's night eating. And I'd say mostly night eating because even the big meals, like I love meat and protein. And so like that's what I'm wolfing down. Like I'll have a ton of meat. I've never made a good food choice after 11pm. Not once in my life because I got a hankin for carrots right now I've never wanted I've never had a hankering for some baby carrots. I Do I'm an American I buy my baby carrots and then I replace my rotten unopened baby carrots

And I and what I'm really paying for is the fantasy that there will be a night that I'll go it's baby carrot night but it's never come never will but yeah when I'm my uh night over here and I'm like I like sweets just fine like my grandma made a cake this this past weekend had a chocolate double chocolate sheet cake I only had one piece and it wasn't even a big piece. So I was proud of myself for that. But what I do is I want salty snacks. It was very moist. I want chips, potato chips are the ideal. Give me what rich or pretzels or pretzels. And I just would want it's not even that I'm getting a craving that I want to eat. It's just like boredom eating where it's like, alright, I'm a little stoned. I'm playing video games or or I'm watching a movie, or I'm

just hanging out here. I mean, I'm just gonna munch a little bit. And before you know that, like, what feels like to me, which I know isn't a reasonable pace of munching, is actually a tremendous amount of empty calories, and you're never going to get full on lays. And so you can just keep going until like your tongue hurts from the amount of salt. I've gotten up in the middle of the night starving and eating Ritz and cheese and just standing in front of the refrigerator, just nibbling off of the block of cheese and then eating a Ritz cracker,

like a zombie, like half awake. Like I'm half awake and half asleep during this. I'm zombie eating Ritz crackers and cheese. The next day, there's this shameful block of cheese with a giant bite taken out of it. There's no way to hide what I've done. Dude, I will do that in the middle of the night. I can't have these little baby bell cheeses in my house anymore. I just can't. I'll wake up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water or something. And suddenly it's like, well, single serve. Look at it. It's covered in wax. It's good for me. And then it's like, wax, meaning it's fancy. And so it's a fancy cheese for a fancy man. And I'll quick unwrap

two of those, eat those. The darkest days I had with nighttime, probably five, six years ago, when like for a three month period, I put on like actual weight over like this three month period, where I was, I always had delicious creamy peanut butter in the house. And I was waking up in the middle of the night and like grabbing a water or something, not every night, but enough nights to be damning. And I was just like take eating a couple spoonfuls of every single night some big some big spoonfuls really good it's really really good and then like you like suck no milk and you're like no I didn't have any milk at the time I wasn't jolly maxing I guess I was unknowingly I did a little jelly is one of those things that you can you can turn PB&J from unhealthy to like a health food.

If you if you use the right jam and the right peanut butter powder, peanut butter powder, what's your problem is popcorn, man. I'll fuck out of here. My big problem is baby carrots. I don't know. Are you you can load popcorn up and shit, man. You can load it up with cheese powder and salt. And you can also make like what feels like, I don't know, an entire

bean bag full of it. So like half the days I wake up with like this giant compressed mass of popcorn in my gut. Yeah. Well, it's nothing but fiber. And so it, it, it bloats you a little bit in your belly. But are you buying like the kind you get from the store in bags where it has like coconut oil

on it already, or are you popping it home? Bro, I'm totally DIY. I'm doing mushroom kernels, the finest, biggest mushroom kernels, coconut oil, and then some fucking bondoogle farms. Can you see how much room kernels to me? Is that a brand to kind of mushroom kernels is a species of kernel. The very biggest juice.

My popcorns pop like the size of a plum. You got to. You never. Say, well us a photograph of fictional fantasy popcorn. No, he's right. I know exactly the style of pop you're talking about because I also have a popper. A style of pop. It does. It has a different look.

Have you seen the ones that almost look like the round ones that don't have all the the stick out parts It's like more like a cabbage almost No mines way mushroom that one down there. Oh Wow Well, I have not found mine's probably mine's like when you're when they're showing like the size of stars and planets and it goes Like here's Beetlejuice That mines like that compared to this shit. It's off to the side. They have to rescale.

Yeah, that's cool. That popcorn looks like it would be the premier dessert popcorn. Whenever I go on a good crunch, when you go to like Pigeon Forge, they have one of those, and at the beach, they do this too. They have all the dessert popcorns, so they just smothered them. My favorite one was the Elvis popcorn. It was a peanut butter and banana and bacon popcorn. Oh.

Do you know about the Jolly Maxx? That's the Elvis sandwich. You don't know about this? Oh, but that doesn't need to be applied. That man knew how to Jolly Maxx. Respect. Yeah, that sounds good. Yeah, but I mean, banana on popcorn't need to be applied. That man knew how to Jolly Max. Respect. Yeah, that sounds good. Yeah, but I mean, banana on popcorn is fucking atrocious. I

wouldn't want that ever. That sounds like a horrible combo. I do want it in that sandwich though. He would hollow out a whole loaf of bread to create the sandwich. I can have a pound of bacon in it. And that's one of the most empathizable things about him. Yeah. Coring out a whole loaf of bread and then also being like, well, not going to let this go to waste.

So how much, how much popcorn or coconut oil are you putting on the popcorn for it to be a snacking issue? Because it seems like you'd need to be adding a lot because it's so like popcorn is the best Low calorie thing if you don't add butter or oil and you just salt it. Oh, yeah, I add a lot of butter and Oil and the white cheddar powder. That's really my problem I'll go through a whole like cough like a Folgers coffee can worth of that and like I don't know It's not really good. It's really good. It's pretty good. I love popcorn. It's an underrated snack.

Not enough people make their own at home in a popper. It's better because you can add whatever flavors you want. You do the air popper, you do the oil fryer type popper. How you popping it? I can't be, I can't bring an oil fryer into my home. I was, when I bought the air popper, literally a day before I bought my air popper, I had in my cart on Amazon, an old school theater style rolling cart. And I was like, $200.

I'm a fool not to get this. And I removed that from the cart. I'm like, this is the track down and I got the air popper instead. I've been to people's houses that have those it's always such a nice little little thing. No you get fresh popcorn. It's delicious. The whole place smells like a movie theater you put it in your movie room. My wife wanted to get one for our wedding or she suggested it because we were getting like a bunch of crap you know like a caricature artist and stuff for the wedding and she's like, oh, how about this? These guys that are bringing the guys that are bringing the photo booth also, you can get a

popcorn thing. So I threw that in and I said no, cancel it, call him back and immediately cancel, tell him not to bring the popcorn thing. And she's like, why? And I said, I don't want to spend that extra money for the popcorn. But the real reason is because I knew if there was one of those popcorn machines at the wedding, I would just be fucking housing popcorn all night and always over there. And even worse, just always thinking about popcorn while I'm trying to talk to all these people. It's so bad. I am. It's got that special grease that the special oil on it. That's so tasty. And it's the oilier the popcorn is but a delivery vehicle for the oil and the cheese or powder or whatever you got. And I love it and

popcorn's sinister in that way because the popcorn itself is like I'm no criminal. I'm here to help. I'm here to fill you up with low calories, but the sinister carry ons. Usually when I make it in my air popper, I found out over trial and error that popcorn is like salt, salt, a phobic, like that sand you can put in water and it stays dry. Yeah. You can't get salt to even popcorn salt, which I have a container of unless you put oil on it, you just have a bowl with a pile of salt at the end that you have to take the last kernels and dip

in the salt. So what I do is I, you take the can of Pam and you just go, you let a can of Pam like whisper at your popcorn and then you hit it with that powdered cheese and then it all sticks to it. That powdered cheese stuff is like no calorie and it's delicious. That's true. It's like just flavored salt. They have that popcorn section in my grocery store. It's got that, his name's like not Colonel Sanders,

Colonel Corn or something. And he's got like- Yeah, I know that little fucker. Yeah, he's got a train flip hat on. And I bought the butter salt kind once. Colonel Anus. This seems like the Colonel Anus. Colonel Angus. And I tried the butter style one because I was like, man, if this tastes like butter, we're in business

boys. Nothing. I threw that bowl away. Don't ever buy the butter flavored Colonel whatever's salt. Have you seen that Saturday Night Live bit with Colonel Angus? Yeah, no. Yeah, yeah. It's, you know, I haven't seen like any SNL. It's like, and it's Civil War and they're all sitting on the porch and Colonel Angus is coming to visit and like, Oh, I love Colonel Angus. Hadn't seen him in a, in a coon's age.

Yep. He's coming up by big beaver way. And then the husband comes out of the porch. Always struck me the wrong way. Never cared for Colonel Angus. And someone goes, it isn't a quiet taste. It keeps going on and on. And the guy playing Colonel Angus is what is that guy's name? Christopher Walken. Yeah, yeah, he's Colonel Angus is a what is that guy's walking name Chris walking yeah yeah he's Colonel Angus he shows up with his damn Confederate now that seems like a really funny bit hilarious good for good for

SNL knocking out of the park in 1921 yeah that was 25 30 years ago that was um willfare old times and rachel that was rachel dr in that, in that skit. Yeah, it's great. My whole adult life. That's the name of my, uh, war of rights character. He's Colonel Angus. Colonel Angus. War of right. Nobody on there gets it. War of right. No, they of course not. The War of Rights is a civil war game. You get to play as the, the, the South fighting the good fight, killing them yanks. It's awesome. Everybody role plays and they're very racist. It's real fun.

Well, it's part of the role play. Have you guys ever done any war role playing? They do that down here. No, never tried it. We played in paintball scenario games and down here in the South, they do civil war reenactments. So you can drive by and see them all dressed up

shooting their fake guns at each other. That'd be kind of cool. How is the South doing civil war reenactments? But the South loses so are they like how do they have fun reenacting their embarrassments? They win most of the battles so they probably reenact one of the battles they won or and I know it's also just about heritage a little bit it It's about their ancestors that fought and died, you know? A lot of, there's a group called the Sons of Confederate Veterans. They're pretty big down here. There's the Daughters of Confederate Veterans too. They would come to our high school and put on a show for everyone occasionally. We would all assemble for it. Was it a good show or was it like those fucking people are going to sing that awful song again?

It was like antebellum propaganda. It was you know, they marched out there with their flags and their great uniforms and it was absurd. Did you ever have the Bible warriors, the power warriors come? Yes, the power team! For Jesus! I saw the power team when I was like, I was maybe, I was maybe 15 or so. And one of my friends was old enough to drive. And he was like, we had lunch that day at school in high school. And he's like, guys, I want you to come with me to our church event this Wednesday, today, tonight. Because the like Christ power squad is in town town and he's going to lift a crazy

heavy crucifix and tear phone books and squeeze a bowling ball so hard it breaks. All sorts of crazy things. And we were all like, I'm in. Let's go see the strength show. And so we went and did that. And as they finished the last like feat of strength, it's obviously like they bait and switch you. And so like I'm 15 with my 15, 16 year old buddies and we watched them and the strength show, fantastic. These guys are strong as shit. They lift unbelievably heavy stuff.

They break things. This dude didn't just do a phone book rip. It was like, because I guess like with the right technique, you don't even have to be super strong to do that. You can just hit it the right way. He did it like rapid fire, multiple phone books. And then as he ended the strength thing, he's like, and now we're going to do a bit of a devotional here, a bit of a teaching moment. And me and my friends were like getting up to leave. And he's like, and I'd ask that anyone who came here, you know, it'd be disrespectful. You watched us, you watched us perform. We trained for this. We worked hard for this. The least you

could do to not be shameful is stay and listen to what we have to say. And so then when we had to like stay seated, because there were these giant men telling us we couldn't leave. Yeah, that was fun. I would do it again. I don't know what this image has to do with all that, but I also saw the power team. They came to our church and I was blown away. I was seven, maybe eight. And I swear to God, they signed one of the blocks they broke with their bare hands and seven year old me kept it in his closet my entire life. That was in my closet four or five years ago when I was in there like my old high school diploma and my mom, my mom, my mom. They were really cool. I still had that. And I was like, what the fuck?

I kept this for 30 fucking years. Yeah, like, he's a brony showed up at my church and like, the cool thing and honestly, if you most of the feats of strength can be like Jimmy, like the phone book, I can do that. You just have to know how to do it. Bending the bars. You know how that works. The bat thing if those are real bats, super impressive. But the most impressive thing is the water Water bottles aren't in like culture anymore. So people you know what they are It is the most difficult to inflate thing you can imagine and then blowing it up with your lungs like that

Always just really impressed me tearing a license plate like again not impressed if that's been started a little like like I feel like he's been Bending it over there. I think the bad thing was gonna be easy. I'm not saying I can do it or I have done it I just seems like I've seen so many baseball players break a bat in frustration now They're professional athletes, but they make it look easy The baseball players and hockey players when they're breaking their bats and sticks They put it on the front of their knee Which at least like and then you pull towards you and you can break it that way easier. What I remember is they were doing multiple bats and they were pushing it straight down on top of their,

like the meat of their thigh, which feels really uncomfortable to do that. Breaking up, breaking a wooden bat is very hard. I've seen, I remember a fucking bow, Jackson broke one on his head. He like put the middle of it on the top of his head and pulled down and broke the bat over his head. Like not slamming it. Baseball helmet, he's wearing his baseball helmet and he put the bat on top and like pulled down

with his hands and just broke it over his head. Pretty impressive. A couple months ago on Biggest Problem, that show I do with Vito, somehow, I don't know how it happened, but they were bullying me into ripping this Koran in half. I don't know why, but they were bullying me to rip a Koran in half. Well, I don't know why it ended up in the studio, but then it like happened organically where everyone's bullying me into ripping this Koran in half, saying that I was a pussy that I can't do it. And so I agreed to it.

And the whole time I was remembering in middle school when I saw the power team and they ripped the phone book and I was like, all right, if the, if the power team could do it, then I could do it for Jesus. It really inspired me like the whole time I was doing it. I almost broke my goddamn hands. Even knowing the tricks. It's harder than even knowing the stupid like way that they kind of Jimmy it. It's still extremely hard to do. It's like, it's more about breaking it in half than it is about tearing just straight down.

If I remember, because I ripped a book in half a long time ago and that was what I saw in mine. You ripped the Quran as well. No, it was a bigger book than that. Oh, impressive. The Quran, you just held up the Quran? Yeah. That's like what, a third of a, maybe half of,

or actually it's kind of splayed out now like page totals. What's that looking like in comparison to a Bible? I bet a Bible is the same. Well, no, it might be a little shorter because the Bible's got those little wispy, those little pussy sized pages, doesn't it? Like, yeah, yeah. I remember a friend of mine, like, rolled a blunt on one of those in high school. And I was like, the fuck, man? Like, here's paper around. When you're concerned, you wouldn't get into hell. I was concerned that that was just tactless. First of all, you're smoking ink, you retard. Get the page from the back that says notes at the top.

I'm gonna find the page where the burning bush reveals itself to Moses. I'm gonna smoke that fucking page. Yeah, open our minds up to some wild shit. God's gonna curse us doubly now. I know that Snoop Dogg, that's one of his regrets he always talks about. There was somewhere and he rolled one up

on some Bible paper and he's like, I still feel bad about that shit. Yeah, it doesn't be safe. Are you at all worried that a radical might take some revenge out upon you, Dick, with your power team antics? Nah, they know that I hate women. I'm cool with the Muslim.

Oh, okay. All right, right. I've done a lot for them and they're cool with a couple bits of, you know, I'm not. I'm a rough guy all around with all religions. So they let it slide. They sent me an email. You're an equal opportunity hater.

So you'll throw it at Christianity or Judaism or Hinduism as much as the Muslims. Yeah, they hear what I'm saying about Israel and they're like, that guy's, he's all right. He can do that kind of thing. You're not pro-Israel on this? Not on team Israel? The Israeli government? No. Well, in so far as like the Israeli government's an extension of our government or maybe a superset of our government. I do not like them. Israelis are great. I don't know how. I love Israelis. I've been to music festivals in Israel. Not that one,

I hope. Well, that's cool. No, because I would have ended it. If I was at that one, I would have killed all the terrorists and wrecked them. Mark Wahlberg. Yes, even worse. You would have found a Vietnamese guy there and pummeled him. That's my favorite bit that 9-11 happens and Mark Wahlberg is so caught up hate-crimininig a Vietnamese man. They can't stop Al Qaeda from taking the blame. You are where Mark Wahlberg beat a Vietnamese man. I think he's blind. Well, he is now.

Yeah. Yeah, Mark Wahlberg hate crime to an Asian man while shouting like racial epitaphs or whatever. He beat him so bad, the guy lost his eyesight, I think. Is that right? Does anyone? I don't know. Racial epitaphs, here lies a dirty chink.

Epitaphs. Here lies a dirty chink. Epitaph. What's the other thing I confuse? It's this thing right here at the bottom of your nose. I call it a... Frenulum? Frenulum. What did I call it? I called it a thing.

I called it a... Maybe. Oh, it is a philtrum. But then I think it's a thing at the bottom of the cock, right? Perineum is the gooch. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but the The frenulum is like, if you think about an erect dick, it would be facing away from you, right?

Near the, just sort of next to the urethra almost. I can't picture an erect penis, Woody, so joke's on you. Carry father to be. Yeah, well, he can picture it off the boat. So there you go. You guys got tricked into being gay, not me. Audience too, probably all picturing huge throbbing cocks. Your audience is all gay, but I didn't. We're once a show, I imagine a penis. Everybody let's all gather around and take the next four to six minutes and imagine. See, that's another thing. You're not gay. That's going to win the Muslims over. When they see you rip the Quran, they're going to be like, well, he did that to the book, didn't like it, but he

didn't draw our guy. And I did draw the guy a bunch on that. Maybe that same episode. a bunch on that maybe that same episode. What does he look like? I'll draw him right now. I mean, I imagine you would, I imagine it's the kind of drawing that you could only get in trouble for after you label it because otherwise it's like this is just a dude in the Middle East. That could be anyone. That could be anyone's drawing. That's what I'm saying.'s like, this is just a dude in the Middle East. That could be anyone. That could be anyone's guy. No, it's Muhammad that I was drawing. That's what I'm saying. But like, you could finish the whole drawing of a guy dressed like that and show it to someone

and be like, what do you think of my drawing of an Arab guy? They'd be like, it's not great, you know, needs work. But then if you drew Muhammad arrow point, they'd be like, fuck. I think the title that I gave it was probably more offensive than the drawing. It was just a stick guy pumping a little smaller stick guy in the ass in the in the back side.

And the title was quite long though. Like hypothetically, hypothetically, what was the title? Yes. I think it was like the prophet Muhammad, fucks his new bride, Aisha in the ass on their wedding night slash her ninth birthday or something like that. See, I wouldn't have gone that way. I would have made it a goat. Yeah. Yeah.

That's the obvious one. Would they be how thinking about erect cocks? That's I think that was part of it too. It was a long. Do you think it's because you can see on his face that he was thinking about penises. You drew that. Yeah, you're yeah, I gave him like a little spot bubble. Yeah, that in. Yeah, I gave him like a little spot bubble. Yeah, like this. What if I drew him at like, oh, that is, well, that's more of a musing face. Yeah, you could tell. If I drew him like having fun on a roller coaster, they would be equally mad at that or they would be more mad at you or they would be more mad at you than me.

Like if I drew him and he's like eating cotton candy at the fair, nothing to do with any other stuff. I don't think they're gonna care for that. Oh yeah. They don't care? They're mad about any of it. No, they're gonna be upset about that. When I saw a guy try to burn a Koran in the street and the dude, he happened to have one

of those curvy Persian knives. Oh yeah, the Utah Rat. He had like a short one. Is that a cravat? Cravat? What is it called? So he like came after the guy, so he was in the streets. I think it was in the UK, but I'm not sure. He made it seem like my favorite Muslim country.

Oh, the front blade one is a karambit. Maybe that's what I'm looking for. I don't think they used those, but I have no idea. Damn, so have you gotten any pushback from your art escapades? Or nobody gives a fuck? No, because they know I'm just joking, kidding around. They do. Yeah, that's when I do that thing where I pretend to be an imam and talk about Pokemon every for 50 bucks too. They get it. Pretend to be an imam. What would an imam have to say about Pokemon? Well, I always start talking about like normal stuff, but then I'll just talk about whatever

Pokemon news is in the day or the news or the guys like if it's haram or not for those guys to camp out at the vending machine. And usually like usually my favorite Pokemon stuff like that. Okay. Like Charmander, Squirtle, Charmander, Bulbasaur, Halal, good Pokemon for Halal, then Pikachu come. A bit forced, a bit haram, but understand because it's from cartoon. Then now Pokemon, total haram.

They have a little leaf Pokemon. Fireman look like a monkey. These are not for a lot of these Pokemon stuff like that. I am I it sounds like he's got his head on straight because he's all about the original three. He sees a shoe horned in and then he also decries that that monkey with the fire tail who's worse than Charmander in every way. Yeah, it sucks, it sucks. That is rip off of Charmander. It's Pokemon like a women.

Three, four wife. This is good. Five, six, seven wife. What are you Mormon? This is bad. Bad stuff. So wait, Pikachu's not the original? He's not like the core of the Pokemon universe?

No, they threw him in after the cartoon. Do you want me to do it in that voice? They threw Pikachu in after cartoon. Cartoons are successful. They bring in more to Allah, just like we bring into Allah with teachings of Quran they bring to buy video games with Pikachu. Nintendo Corporation mislead us to believe Charmander Bulbasbasaur, Squirtle, most important type three. We all play this game with this understanding. They erase the show and it is a lie. Pikachu,

a Pokemon that you can only find in those games in Vermillion Forest early on by tooling around in the grass. Now he is the main character. What does it tell us? That often the world is not as it seems. See, it's fun! This is a fun character. I can't do the voice very well, but I'll figure it out. Yours is great! Is there a Jewish Pokémon? Yes, well my favorite would be Meowth, because he has an attack called Pay Day that creates money. A largely useless Pokémon, but that was it.

That was it. I don't like that drowsy Pokemon very much. I don't like drowsy. He has a big nose and it reminds me of my mother-in-law. That would be the Jewish stereotype Pokemon Meowth. It's a barely, barely different from a cat with just a coin on its head. Oh, I remember playing the game. It was the one that could talk that was hanging out with Jesse and James Team Rocket.

And he games has an attack called payday where he like hits the other Pokemon and then coins come out. And so if you use that attack at the end of the match between you and the other trainer, it'll say, you know, schoolboy Jack was defeated by Pokemon trainer Kyle. And then the next text comes up and it goes, Kyle collected $37. And so you just find money on the ground when you use payday. It's never that big of a sum.

So first he throws money at people and then he picks it up off the ground. No, he's not throwing money. Somehow this Pokemon is creating wealth. Like you get more money at people and then he picks it up off the ground. No, he's not doing money. Somehow this Pokemon is creating wealth. Like you get more money at the end of fights. You use payday than before. He beats the money out of them. And his evolution like a Jew.

This sounds more like a. This sounds a little if he's beating it out of him, sounds a little Italian. Yeah. Yeah, could be. I don't know who all the racial Pokemon would be. There's another Pokemon that just steals the humanitarian aid and then kills kids. That might be more of a- Yeah, that's me.

That seems like a bad dude. Anicidomon is his name. Is he a Team Rocket affiliate? Sounds like it. Yeah. Hey, are you guys, is anybody near Boston? Any of you guys? Not really. No, not even close. So I'm doing a live show.

You are, Zach, you should come. I'm doing a live show with Carl from Who Are These Podcasts on June 21st. It's probably, I say it's gonna be my last live show for a while, because my baby's being born in July, but I don't, everyone's telling me I'm gonna want an excuse to get out of the house. But either way, I haven't done a live show in a while

and the ones with Carl are always a lot of fun. He pulls in a ton of clips. If you like stuttering John or if you're following the Nick Krakata stuff with Aaron M. How did you book it? He's a cool guy. What's that?

You just call a facility, is it like at a comedy club? Is it a- It's at a Woody, you're gonna love this. It's at a winery. So- Really? If you wanna buy tickets to our show at live.dick.show early, you can get them today

if you're a member of their wine club, which I don't recommend being, but they're on sale tomorrow. So why did you pick a winery? Like how did that? Well, venues don't really like hosting me. So Carl has a relationship with this promoter and they have a relationship with this chain winery, wine restaurant. That's how we got this one. Is it hard to get a vendor to host a podcast? Sometimes, it's hard, depending on the city, it's hard to get a, it's hard to get a bar to host us.

Like I've rented warehouses and just done everything myself, which is a huge pain in the ass to get bartender license, temporary license, insurance, stage, sound system, chairs, huge pain in the ass. No chance that you'll get canceled though, versus getting, paying some bar like a thousand bucks, two thousand bucks, three thousand bucks, whatever, just to rent their place for the night.

The risk there is sometimes some asshole will call them up and tell them that they're hosting a neo-nazi rally, and you'll get canceled like two weeks before your event, which really fucking sucks. But that's pretty gay. Yeah. If you do another one afterward, I would be I'd be down to go. If you do another one afterward, I would be down to go. The day I go on a family trip is the 21st of June, so I can't make it to your fun event or Harley beating the shit out of that scoundrel at the Creator Clash. Creator Clash? Which I think is happening at the same time. You guys should do a live show.

I was asking you about it. That could be fun. What venue would you put us in? Like you were coaching us, what would you say we should do? You could, something like The Varsity, that's a venue I could see you guys doing. Or even, I don't know, if you wanna go small and make it like a trial run and do something more intimate,

you could get a little black box theater and have everybody bring their own beer. So you don't have to worry about any of that shit. That would be cool. Or you just go to a brewery, like find a brewery. What about a comedy club? Is that a bad idea? I bet that's expensive right now.

It seems like it's the right size, like the seating. It is the right size, but it's gonna be tough because they book their acts way in advance usually. But you might be able to find a comedy theater that has a slow night somewhere, or even has two or three theaters in their place that they'll rent one to you. Would you try to put us in a,

my idea, maybe it's a lack of confidence, but I'm like, I'd like to be in a big city with a venue that's not too big, right? A venue that has like, I'm making it up, 50 to 75 seats in Atlanta or Philly or like something. I think we can pull those people if we're in a venue. If I were to do 75 seats in Omaha, then that's too far away for people to travel to.

Yeah, you could easily do a hundred people in Atlanta. But is that a thing that we could make happen or is it too hard? No, that's easy. Just find a, there's a time, cause bars have music, so they usually have all that stuff set up. Find somebody who, find like a comedian at that level

and just look at their tour dates and see where they're playing and you could probably call them or arrange it with them. Not the community, the venue. How many of these have you done? A ton of live shows, haven't you? Yeah, probably like 12. Not that many, but, you know, that's a good bit.

So are you just. Doing the show up there like just riffing and. Yeah, usually I have like a slideshow that I go to the city and then take pictures of stuff and fat people and then put it in a PowerPoint and just make fun of it. He just bullied the city and be like, get a load of this fat. Yeah, basically. A little of this fat idiot that wants nothing to do with me, doesn't know who

I am, but he had both hands full of burgers walking out of, he had two buckets full of burgers. Nugget in his mouth and yeah. Or I'll take pictures of homeless. What I love doing is going city to city and comparing the homeless. Like Atlanta has very industrious homeless. They're, they're little homeless communities are, are way better than ours. They're kind of like hobbits. Yeah, they are kind of like hobbits. Like you go to LA and you look at stuff that they have and you think that's not how that thing's supposed to be. Your chair's upside down, like you didn't even fucking put that together.

But in Atlanta, it's like all put together like a homeless Lego set. Oh, you gotta do a peek around St. Louis that are homeless. I would love to see the St. Louis homeless. They're unbelievably aggressive. Yeah. They are like a fox in a hen house and they've been in charge for living memory. Like that's their attitude is like you are encroaching on them by walking on their area. Like aggressive. I fucking hate the homeless so much now. I

used to want to help them and And now I just want to fucking drive them into the ocean with a giant excavator this size of the earth. They just push them on. Like something from Warhammer 40K. Dude, Reagan screwed us. Put me in prison. I don't give a fuck. I'm sick of these guys.

You're that guy in the armored bulldozer, just shoving whole encampments. Yeah, the killdozer. Fucking extended version. It's easy to be, I don't know, moral and kind about a problem that's distant from you. But when you live it every day, you evolve from like where I am to where Dick is.

Cause I've lived in bad places every day and it's like, Oh, those motherfuckers. I don't care if they live or die. Yeah. You get, get on fire in LA. Like that should be a fucking death sentence, bro. Do you realize where we have the trees explode here? Are you kidding me? Oh yeah. You have those, some Australian dude swindled you guys 200 years ago, he's like, yeah, eucalyptus trees, they don't explode. Yeah. We had the last fire, we had like, I don't know, two trillion dollars of real estate burned down.

Like, okay, well, if you see any homeless starting fires, fucking shoot them. I have to imagine they included the land valuations. Like, this is a $50 million home. Yeah, but she could rebuild it for one. Yeah. No, no, that works. All right.

I think that's a good good stopping point. Dick, where can everyone find all your wonderful content and where can they go to your live show? Patreon.com slash the dick show. I really need money. My son really needs your money. So please go there and give me some money Biggest problem on YouTube we do every Friday and then live dick.show come out Say hi if you're in Boston throw throw tomatoes at Carl you have fun nice cool check them out Pka 749