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all right pk and 469 no woody no woody because he is uh adventuring off with his real friends
they're uh they're doing some sort of uh motorcycle man evil can evil ride or something
i don't know what he said but uh out of out of pocket out of mind as i like to say and indeed
can you imagine if we tagged along how much we would ruin the fun with his
real friends like i like to ride my bike but not at all like they do not at all like they do no
you're a road boy which i'm not even that like like i just like to put around i use it like a
i don't know like a drive my fucking car like if i just want to go to the store or i don't know i'm not trying to use it to adventure in so hope he uh doesn't break
anything this time but yeah you should be back you learned his lesson do you how did the motorcycle
become for you something where like now you're saying like it's been two weeks i should hop on
the motorcycle or are you still doing it pretty regularly um i ride it
pretty regularly a couple times a month three times a month or something like that but you know
i'm not i don't care i've i i have no shame about uh failed hobbies that's that's how you find out
what you like and what you don't like let me tell you what i really don't i learned i'm bad at
archery i fell down the stairs about 10 minutes ago and uh like you're doing okay yeah like i ate dinner in here last
night playing boulders gate so i grabbed my dinner plate and the fork and um two of these two empty
like glass glasses and uh i'm holding them like a tray in my left hand and my right hand
i don't remember what i had but i had something in there too. And I got almost there.
The dogs are all waiting for me at the bottom of the steps.
And I'm going to say it was on step four that my heel flew out from under me.
And I landed on my ass and just started going all the way to the bottom.
But all the glass went flying out of my hands and just shattered at my feet and all the dogs
running around they ran well first of all um rocky runs up the smart one and and grabs a little bit
of crust of something and runs off with it he's got it now like the last dinner and then the rest
of them ran in terror but i cut my goddamn ankle on a plate somehow. I was like, oh, look, a little speck of blood.
And then it just starts flowing.
It's one of the whole bottom of my foot's covered in blood
because I didn't bother to stop and make it stop bleeding.
I just kept walking around cleaning the goddamn glass.
It's not a big cut.
It's like the size of, I don't know.
It doesn't take a lot from a glass cut to bleed a bunch.
It just goes deep.
It just sort of shaved off a little,
little chunk of,
of me.
So clean that mess up.
And then I came right on up here.
So I'm in a great mood.
I'm feeling good.
Are your socks bloody?
It was no socks,
no socks.
I was in my,
uh,
I was in my flip flops,
just in some sandals.
Uh,
I usually just wear those around the house anyway.
Um, and I don't know it was i'm on a tremendous run of not falling down the stairs it has been years since i've taken a tumble
you hold the rail or what do you do i'm just good man i'm damn i know right where the next step's
gonna be eyes closed jogging up and down uh but it is humiliating when you do slip on the stairs
but at least you were four into it so it wasn't like 11 stairs up being really human i was going
down to be fair but but yeah i i feel you i've fallen from higher yeah um what you can't fall
going up the stairs that's very elderly i've done it before but it's but it's more of a laugh when you do that it's like your foot
slips out from under you this i was i was running down in that way where i'm landing on my heels
like just like letting my heels catch like the autistic kids run yeah kind of kind of and uh
just running around on the ball of your heel for no reason well you know i'm like catching the
stairs like every step is a new stair going down.
Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.
Just sort of, and then sort of doing this silly dance
as I went down them for the dogs.
And then my heel just slipped out from under me.
And man, that fucking hurt.
That was a, so it's been a fun morning so far.
A fun morning at 7 p.m. where you are?
Well, you got to keep in mind,
I stayed up rather late last night playing Baldur's Gate.
I was up till four. And then I slept from like four until 11 a.m.
So it still feels a little bit.
That's not very overindulgent.
That's fine.
Seven hours.
Yeah, it was.
That game's really fun.
I'm getting every every time I play it, I like it more.
When I first tried to get into it, like for maybe an hour, I was like, OK, it's a lot to take the when i first tried to get into it like for maybe an hour i was like
okay it's a lot to take in on the first playthrough it's so new yeah that the i we played diablo just
previously so i'm used to that viewpoint of being sort of top down and controlling the character
with the mouse just clicking where you want them to go but the turn-based combat was was not my was not my style at first
i didn't like it and also i just there was i was making so many choices that i knew that half of
them had to be wrong it's like oh do you what kind of cantrips do you want what's a cantrip don't
worry about that do you want a some illusion magic or are you an eldritch knight yeah or are you more
of a the free spell you get every
turn right yeah are you more of a sentinel or an arachnophobe or what yeah just click that one and
i'm just making all these bad decisions and i'm feeling like god damn it but now i've got more of
a grasp on it and every time i've played it i've liked it more and more and are you like going back
and like starting new characters with like additional knowledge i think that i've seen a
lot of people online doing that where they're like oh starting my eighth character after getting the
seventh one to level four or whatever because i wanted to tinker and mess around and do a different
race different so you don't have to do that so you don't have to do that so you've got your main
this is the part that i still have a bit of a hard time wrapping my head around there's really no
reason to have a main character like you have the character you make at the
beginning that you think of as your guy but he's not he's just the guy you made you've got dozens
of guys and you can focus on any one of them to to win the whole show or or make their storyline
the important one it's you've got i don't know how many companions there can be because you're
finding them as you go right now i've got like six or seven or eight
any of the and they're all they're all already spec'd out to be like a fighter or a cleric or a
Wizard or whatever you can just respect them you take them over to withers and make them a new thing
There's still the same race. There's something person so you can't change that part, but that barely matters
You just change everything else make your wizard into a different wizard with better spells or a different kind of magic and then even
better than that you can go to withers again in the high and and you can order you buy these
things called hirelings which are just new characters it's like hey you want a new character
yeah give me 100 gold what are you going to do with it give it he just doesn't you just keep
making new characters all
the time so there's no way i'm starting the story over from scratch this far into it i'm i'm just at
the beginning of act two and it's like 50 60 hours of play time goddamn like i just a lot i'm going
to jump back into it and learn more but that's good to know that it is kind of what you said initially like pokemon
where like you are building a team and you're like given additional team members for solo play and
then my understanding is then you can be like kind of like skyrim except much more advanced you can
be like all right lydia get the hell out of here i need uh i need rich the the stealth archer now
i'm gonna go grab him except for this it's like you're assembling a whole team of four
and you control all four of them and their spec distribution and stats, right?
Yeah.
I guess there really isn't a reason to start a character over unless you're bored of it.
And really even thinking it like you just stated is a bit limiting.
It's really that you can have four characters on the field at a time
and one of them has to be the character you began have four characters on the field at a time and one of
them has to be the character you began with those are the only rules you can go solo you can beat
the game solo with no crew uh but i always run around with four people because you create really
good synergies and you know how would you win solo the developers have been fighting like
because everything so basically you get literally one turn
and then you watch eight goblins all
do their thing and you have to mitigate
that and then you have your one little turn
and then eight guys do their thing that
would be a nightmare your magic
gets real strong later on and
like my fighter for example gets
three turns gets three actions per
turn without a buff so you can buff
it up to like six actions per turn without a buff so you can buff it up to like
six actions per turn and if she's killing people every turn she gets another turn
so she could just kind of go off and go die die die you over there die and just like go on a go
on a killing spree and what level is your your main dude now Everybody's five or six. Six.
I think six.
Six.
You get really powerful around three or four.
It's noticeable.
Whenever you get access to level three spells,
and you can fly and jump super far and teleport.
Every character can teleport.
And you throw down these big fireballs,
these area of effect spells i usually
hate games with puzzles i hate puzzles fucking tomb raider i hate fucking um that fleshy game i
played um recently um where it was all weird there's tons of fucking turn this knob pull this
hose sort type of shit and i hate fetch. And this shit has none of that.
It has none of that shitty, annoying stuff.
At no point were they like,
go kill 50 poisoned rabbits and bring me the livers.
Fuck, okay, because I've only found six so far.
Go.
Oh, you can't progress.
You really need rat livers to progress this?
Of course.
They're in the furthest reach of the realm,
and there's no teleport point.
Good luck.
There's none of that.
There's none of that.
It's just like, hey, we got some problems.
We should probably go kill the bad guys
and investigate the temple.
I did the most sort of investigate
and do the puzzle kind of shit that I've done so far
in Act 2 and a big temple
and it was there was some indiana jones shit where you had to put swords in certain places
to make a room glow but for the most part man it's just fun and a great story and i love the
dialogue options i love that every playthrough is going to be completely different it's not like
one of those choose your own adventure books where we're all either ending up home or
either dead or alive yeah i was a big time cheater in choose your own adventure books
from the library in elementary school you save scum to read your own adventure 100 i'm like you
know like fingers still on the page you know do i want to go into the into the well or do i want
to report it to the police and it's like i'm to report it to the police? And it's like, I'm not reporting it to the police.
And it's like, you fall in the well.
I'm reporting it to the police.
I didn't even read what was going to happen.
The bricks under your knees come loose
and you tumble into the cold darkness.
Man, good thing I was still considering
what I was going to do.
Actually, Officer Morgan says that you're a
dude do you remember that stupid ass netflix movie they tried called bandersnatch from years ago
where it was choose your own adventure i spent like three hours watching that when it came out
just like trying different things just to see what the different options were the idea annoyed me it's like it was it was dumb tv is your job i sit you do all right video games is where i take part in
the whole mix i'm looking to relax and let you work this is this is so i like i had ideas that
i was like okay the character's being developed through my picks on this netflix show so maybe
if i pick this choice first
and then this second choice,
that second choice won't result in me ODing or whatever,
or my dad finding my body pumped full of Oxy or whatever.
And then I would go back and try that route
and be like, I was genuinely a couple hours
into this movie before I realized,
like, oh, it's like skyrim no matter what
i do it's just one decision in that moment it has nothing to do with the past ones it's just
what you're going the same place yeah you're going to the same what kind of shirt you want to wear
pretty much yeah i thought it was a cool concept but you're right movies are are meant to be
enjoyed when i'm when i'm playing balur's Gate and something really bad happens,
I'm like, oh, we're going back.
We're going back.
You have to cheat.
Every now and then.
You're supposed to.
Every now and then, one of your friends will just straight up die accidentally,
like fall into a chasm.
And it's like, shit.
I didn't know I could get them back at first.
I thought I had to go back.
Normally, they die on the battlefield, like like, shit. I didn't know I could get him back at first. I thought I had to go back. Normally they die on the
battlefield, like die-die.
You can go over the revivification thing
and bring him back to life,
resuscitate them. But if they fell in a hole,
my guy fell in a hole.
And it was just like into an abyss.
And he turned black and white on the screen
so you knew his character was dead.
He's not hanging on to roots down there.
So you just lost him.
Yeah. Turned out you can get him back you got to go to camp and you got to talk to withers again be like hey did you bring my pal back yeah sure 200 gold for
60 rat livers you thought you were out and i'll need a hundred blight blossoms from the never cave
no it's like fuck you fuck you i hate that so much i remember i remember it'd be susser blooms
it'd be fucking susser blossoms dude i remember that game destiny came out like 10 years ago
almost and it was like a cool space shooter game where you could level up and whatnot.
And I played probably 30 hours of it
and got to the max level.
And then it did that thing that every game does
where it was like,
all right, you know how up to now
you've been ranking up by killing things,
doing quests?
Get ready.
Because now the way you upgrade everything
is collecting plants and pieces of metal.
And it's like you would walk around and it'd be like, oh, I found a I found a rare bauble.
And then you check the stats and it's like, oh, one of 260.
And it's like, fuck you.
Like, how much time do I have to spend here?
They should really every game should have a setting on it.
And this is for people like with kids. time do i have to spend here they should really every game should have a setting on it and this
is for people like with kids you should be able to select an i'm a parent mode on games and it
changes the xp to a way that they can still play because otherwise these games have alienated huge
amounts dude the amount of like friends i have that have kids who just can't game enough to even get to
baseline levels in a game like this now,
they want to, and then they're like,
well, it took two hours to update it,
and then my kids started crying,
and then I played 90 minutes,
but most of that was, of course,
it's a game in 2023. It was 82 minutes
of dialogue and stories and video,
and so I kind of got to watch a bad
movie before bed, and it's like
yeah okay like yeah i totally empathize with that make it a selection i'm in a super online bro
hard as hell casual or parent they do that they do that for the most part in some in most games
i'll say this one has always played parent mode this this one has three difficulties i definitely am not playing parent mode um i i i always pick somewhere in the middle really unless it's a special circumstance i think
this one has a mode called tactician and i was like nah that's okay that's all right nah it's
like the difficulty sliders when it's like ah that's that's too many skulls i'm not going for this one
remember in doom he gets more and more like he degrades he looks rougher bloodier more gory
and by the time you get to nightmare or ultra nightmare it's just just a skull on fire
the flesh has been stripped away they go from like moderate difficulty which is like oh that's like
that's like david duke with the nazi emblem on and then they go extra oh, that's like David Duke with the Nazi emblem on.
And then they go extra hard, and it's like an SS guy with a mask.
And then the farthest, hardest one is like Mecha Hitler.
And it's like, oh, my God, I'm not going Mecha Hitler mode.
I guess I'll take on David Duke difficulty.
Yeah, yeah.
This game has been really fun, but I i agree with you it's a game that you
couldn't beat in a goddamn night there used to be games like that like i beat halo 3 in a night
you know i beat halo 2 in a night uh i'm glad that it's long you're getting a ton for your money
there's no dlc and there's no race you know there's no hurry to get done if it were cod or
something where that's where i agree with you in a game like call of duty where traditionally you know you had that little
hurdle to match your character out that took maybe a week two weeks and then you know you
can play cod you got all that you got your m16 your red knot whatever the fuck you need
but if you were trying to take place and to to do like the seasons that they have in call of duty
now as someone who has an hour a night.
That would be lame as fuck.
That'd be so lame.
I'm glad there's nothing to buy in this game.
I'm glad there's no...
Buy Baldr gold.
Don't you need your Baldr gate silver coin obelisk bullshit
to buy some capes and stuff?
No, I don't.
I did buy the fancy version that does come with a cape.
Are you wearing a cape?
I'm wearing the cape. Yeah, it looks good.
Looks good. So they have one
microtransaction and you bought it.
Well, it's not a microtransaction.
It's like the pre-order game of the...
It's the fancy version that comes with all the
digital shit. And I did. I wanted the cape.
I bought the cape after I had already been playing the game for 40 hours.
And I was like, you know what?
Little girl deserves the cape.
Because I always play as a lady.
It's not a stat boosting thing.
Not at all.
It's a pretty cape that I wear.
Yeah.
It's just a pretty cape.
It's a pretty cape for my gnome lady.
You always play men, which I think, and here's the thing,
a lot of dudes are complaining
because your companions will all flirt with you
and try to fuck you, including the men, if you're a man.
And so everybody's like, dude, this bro,
I thought he was my bro, but then he tried to suck my dick.
This is fucking horse shit
so I killed him
and it's like bro you're really ruining your gameplay
over some bigotry
that's called team building
you know what he gives me head
I give him head and we're a happy team
traipsing through the woods
having a good time
so I've only had sex once
I had sex with my
oh tons in the game
tons in the game it's a lot easier there yeah um yeah they don't run you they they get yankee lady
uh came on to me though last night and i was like yeah let's let's do this i've been
been investing into this uh this green woman with a no nose for a long time now
yeah terrible stamina and she made
fun of you she actually was a little weird about it yeah uh she was like you will follow my lead
and it's like really what this is you got it became a whole like domination submission thing
where uh she was like i can't remember i think she wanted me to eat her pussy
yeah i think she wanted me to eat her pussy and Yeah, I think she wanted me to eat her pussy, and I wanted to eat hers, and she wasn't into it.
And there was a whole discussion about that, and I had to convince her by rolling some die.
Is there anything to gain on your quest?
I had a d20 plus 4, and I ate her asshole.
A d20 plus 4 got my whole fist in in that that goblin puss um as far as i remember
there wasn't an advantage other than just progressing the story and being funny i think
it's fun to watch i mean it's pretty hot and uh i think that um are they really eating each other's pussies? You don't see...
It's as...
It's like softcore porn.
So you see a face obscuring a dick,
sucking it.
Or just her pushing your face down to her crotch
and you're licking her stomach
and heading your way down.
And then she's just like,
Yes!
Lick my goblin twat.
It's tasteful, though.
They're not.
Yeah.
I you see there's I've never seen a game off the shelf where you see
vulva like like like that's that's the inside of her vagina.
I'm looking at or I'm just like, oh, look, that guy's not circumcised.
The genitals are absurd.
That guy's not circumcised.
The genitals are absurd.
My only complaint with like a genital thing in a game would be if they released to the game and the game sucked and the quest didn't work.
And it was like,
how much time did you put on the dick and pussy portion of this?
The quests don't work.
But as long as the quests are working and it's not glitchy,
who gives a shit?
If your companion wants to suck your dick?
If they don't like it, can't they just say,
no, you can't suck my dick because we're a professional organization.
Yeah, you say no and it's good.
I guess it depends on what kind of ship you want to run
because honestly, I think you may have made a mistake there
letting your character hook up with that goblin
because now there is a,
a level of professionalism in your crew of mercenaries that has been lost.
Now they're like a little emotionally connected.
Now they're not going to make those smart decisions.
She was clear.
No,
she was clear about that,
that it's,
it's,
it's about her needs and,
uh,
and fulfilling them.
And it's,
it's about her and it's not about,
Oh,
okay. Well, you can always trust when women say that. Yeah. Well, she's sort and it's not about me. Oh, okay.
Well, you can always trust when women say that, yeah.
Well, she's like a Yankee woman,
so she's extra liberal.
See, a long time ago,
they stopped giving birth to live
and started laying eggs,
but not all of them lay eggs.
Only some of them reproduce asexually
that have been chosen to lay the eggs.
The eggs are enormous, by the way.
You'll see that later on.
It's really
calls it calling a lot of things into question when you see an egg that's the size of like a
carrier seat for a child not a child size like like just coming out of its cloaca it's coming
out of it maybe their whole belly opens up like a cocoon and it like rolls out you're not selling
me on this at all i don't want to have sex with
well not all of them do that they do that asexually that when they fuck that's just for
fun and that's what she told me she's like imagine like to worry about becoming pregnant from sex
like had a whole like abortion line slipped in there and i was like yeah can you believe it
leave it i'm a total boss bitch and i'm 37 and i'm happy with my decisions in the fantasy at least 370 uh no i'm loving balder's gate uh it's a lot of fun i wish there was a better multiplayer
i wish that your character could jump in with mine if they were the same level i think or an
approximate level and maybe
it would be like the way Diablo works
so that you would just ride my story
even if you hadn't done the prerequisites
but
they clearly weren't
no I don't think so
I don't think so
so like if I started a game with you
that game
and you and I get to end of act one and then scum or someone
wants to jump in and play with us he couldn't jump into that game with us i don't know i i frankly
don't know exactly and and just to be clear like the end of act one wasn't it wasn't like a sign
post where it was like a big cut scene it's like like, you did it. You beat the act one boss.
It was like,
I finally felt up to going across a bridge that leads you to the other
section of the game.
And I did it.
And I don't know.
There was no,
when I tried to do it earlier,
it was like,
the road ahead will be perilous for a group of your power or something like
that.
And I was like,
dude,
the road behind me was shit stained.
If the road ahead is worse, I'm, I back like it was rough there was a time early on where i was
getting my shit pushed in all the time goblin men and fucking werewolves were eating me up but uh
yeah i i like it and i can definitely see the uh why dungeons and dragons is so fun uh it's a game
that really lends itself toward creative, outside-the-box thinking.
When you walk into a room, for example, in Skyrim,
and the room's full of coffins
where a bunch of vampires are about to come out of the coffins,
you lose, you reload, you go back.
In this game, you can run around and grab every coffin
and stack it up in a big pile next to a cliff
and then trigger the cut scene and then
when the cop and then all the vampires are like hey uh somebody there's something on the on the
door here really and you're just like oh really be shame if somebody pushed this big stack of
coffins off the whoops like you can do silly silly stuff there's a scene where there's a a ticking clock basically a girl
is in a cage that's on fire i doused it with water immediately my character makes water so it's like
oh i guess we have infinite time now take your time boy she's fine yeah she's she's not gonna
burn i fixed it you can see that would be fun we should we should D&D. We need to find a
what are they called?
A dungeon master
who can lead us through
take us on a good time.
I would, as long as I had
someone to explain to me
and to make it so I didn't have to worry
about all the numbers and all that
shit, that would be a bunch of fun.
As long as I only had to focus on joking around and and yes yeah like that's okay if i have if i if i need a scratch pad
to know before i speak if i can't do a thing if there's something like that uh but now that i
understand what's going on having played the game and having it do all the math and show me all the
stats for me i understand why your fake dungeon and dragons character needs a skill
number like why would you know how strong he is because we're gonna roll fucking die i understand
it now so it's a lot more interesting to me i like it a lot uh anybody who is um i don't know
likes anything we just said man i really recommend this game it's gonna be hundreds of hours of fun
and um i think it's gonna be a skyrim like game where 10 years from now people are still playing
it because the mod...
I'm guessing. I haven't looked at the mods yet.
But if you're able to mod this,
and if it has a modding community like Fallout and Skyrim do,
it's going to be really cool.
You'll be able to do anything.
Subjectively, I have a bunch of friends
who all were playing Diablo.
And by the time season one came out,
like, they are normal guys.
And so they're like,
I have to start a new character.
Like, fuck you.
Like, and then they like all lost interest.
Every single one of those guys
is on the Baldur's now.
Like, nobody I know is playing Diablo
after that season one thing.
They fucked themselves so bad.
That game had so much potential.
And that was a spit in the face
season. They had a
thing the other day where they had two of the
developers live stream
so you could see how they play the game.
So they're playing on level
one difficulty
which is so
low that most people
just skip it. They just
go straight to two because it's no one does one
yeah and they're level 50 their characters are so godlike a level 50 character can walk into a level
75 dungeon even if you're not good and mash one button and everything explodes in front of you yeah but it was too um i won't make fun of their appearance but these two
ladies uh were so bad at the game they died in world one yeah and they were they were spamming
like basically just b over and over and then every now and then they hit a like they had no concept
they didn't know how to play the game at a at a above like a two out
of ten level was their experience level and they weren't even like chaining their abilities to like
make sure that they always have enough mana and they were playing it like it's crash bandicoot
or something where you've got like the button that sticks your tongue out and the button that like
hits and then the jump button they're playing like a three button game over here yeah and just
really poorly and they die damn how, how'd they get picked?
That's a bad move. You should have got
the guy who's obsessed with it from the company
because I guarantee there's a tier four
level 120
there somewhere, right? Are there?
I don't, I think that's what
that was the reaction that
it's like these are the people they picked
to play the game.
These people are awful.
These are people who you can't...
If you explain to one of these people the trouble that you're having,
they would have no concept of that, even though they built the game.
They were level designers and dungeon designers,
but still, they should know how to play the game.
Dungeon designer has to be the easiest thing ever,
is you figure it
out four days into your assignment and then a year and a half later you make the color slightly
different and change some of the rooms around times 100 and you go the project's done here's
all of our so different dungeons they're not all the same they don't even all have some of them
have the same room layouts like yeah where you run
through it's like oh okay i i know exactly okay i come down here i go through this door there's
going to be a door on the on the top side and the bottom side i go through the bottom side because
i have to hit the people that i get so fucking formulaic it's so yeah i will not be going back
to diablo for a while well they built diablo to to keep players grinding forever because they
they've got it they've got the progression slowed way down and they've got the these these season passes where they they try to
keep you grinding for months and months on end and it and making new characters and and grinding
more and i saw the search uh results for that game we're down 87 percent uh or something from
from from its peak meanwhile Meanwhile, Baldur's Gate
is hitting new numbers every time. I think
was it 860,000
concurrent or 900,000 concurrent?
I didn't realize. CSGO is
so goddamn big, dude.
They have over that now. Like right now
CSGO just happens to have. I've never
played that in my life.
And it is unbelievably
impressive. It's one of those shooter games that like i don't think
i could like i couldn't go play the people playing that have to be so fucking good that it's not even
fun first like could you even jump in to counter-strike in 2023 i tried like four or five
years ago and it was way too late these people were way too fucking good because you got to keep in mind
like that's that's the game that people like shroud cut their teeth on a decade ago they've
been playing it for so fucking long or different iterations of it but yeah 1.1 million players
concurrently like is it because it's just a super clean like shooter that it's so big that's what it looks and like reaction time like
a purist shooter maybe i that's what i take from it uh that's what i take from it but i don't know
i don't i played it slightly more than you and i don't know a ton about it i know i don't love
watching it but what it looks like to me is is exactly what you just said it's it's a really pure shooter and uh all i've ever
seen is people just playing it at super high levels and when you watch you just come on
they mean to do that and he does it three more times in a row you're like oh my god
why would i even bother there's no point i'm not gonna bother it's it's silly it's like watching the harlem globetrotters like fuck around and then
all right kyle you're in no no absolutely not am i going out there i bet if you and i replaced
two members of the harlem globetrotters we'd still win definitely right because the washington generals are up yes but they're not like we play on the
washington we we are the washington generals just no they're no it would be an impressive
feat for the globetrotters to be like bouncing the ball and like we're missing it like giving
bad bad big flat dribbles did you ever play basketball like do you know how to play at all? I know the rules. I play peewee basketball, but I'm real bad at it.
I'm real bad at it.
No.
So no, no.
I was bad, too.
My coach, when I was in middle school, knew I wasn't good.
But he utilized me to box people out.
He said, just box that guy out and i got fouls all
the time because i fundamentally didn't like i thought you can kind of just box them box them
out just keep just keep like pushing people back basketball was not a fun sport to play
i would always catch the ball poorly and it would either jam my finger or it would like roll the skin away from the bottom of my fingernail, you know?
And it's like, oh, and I don't catch it with your hands extended.
John Jones, I guess, you know, I'm trying to and it would just jam into my fingers or enroll my just just I'd always get hurt in some way.
And I wasn't good. I was never going to make the shot and I wasn't good I was never gonna make the shot and I wasn't gonna
be able to dribble it like all the fundamentals I'm bad at not one of there isn't a single
fundamental of basketball that I'm any good at meanwhile baseball I'm really good at catching
and throwing I can do both of those things real well and then if we can just figure out how to
hit a little like man you can play so but basketball I can't do any of that shit i can't shoot i can't eat my
i can't do any of it i was always so bad i would just sort of disappear to uh like hitting practice
to get you better at like hitting in baseball uh we lived walking distance to the baseball fields
oh no um probably like a 10 minute walk uh half a mile, a mile or something.
And so we just go up there and get in the batting cages and he'd throw to me a lot.
And then, you know, in the yard too,
I would do fielding and practice off the side of the house,
just throwing balls against the house
and then catch them or he'd throw them as hard as he could.
So they take weird, awkward bounces.
I played a lot of different positions.
So there was times when I would do a lot of ground ball training and then kind of switched to pitcher
for a while well for a long time and focused on that i remember when i was like damn probably
like 11 years old or something uh i think my dad must have been out of town or this wouldn't have
flown uh we were we had a hockey net and shit in our driveway and it was like a decently
large flat area of the driveway and so
usually we would
have to move the hockey net so it wasn't
so that if the puck missed that it didn't
hit the house but if you
did that and faced it
towards the other side of the house when you missed
it like sailed over it and down
a hill and potentially into
the woods and it was a pain in the ass
because you missed like one wrist shot and it's like well that and potentially into the woods and it was a pain in the ass because you
missed like one wrist shot and it's like well that puck is potentially gone forever because it just
went through just right over it and so we moved the net and i had my my brother playing goalie
and i would play goalie also switching off and we put the net right in front of the garage door
and what that like gave me the confidence to do is like i can rifle this puck this street hockey
puck not a black rubber puck this street hockey puck like as hard as i want because if i miss
it's just going to slam into the garage door and fall down we're not going to lose the pucks
and so like the way a 11 12 year old does like we spend like three hours where i'm just like
like getting sweaty with the exhaustion of my wrist shots.
Like,
like in the,
when a puck hits the garage door,
it's reverberating throughout the whole.
Yeah.
And I'm missing like probably one out of four shots.
Cause I'm trying to pick posts,
pick corners.
So I'm like,
you know,
that's the way it goes.
And it was like almost a fugue state.
And then like,
I came out of it and like realized what I had done in that,
like the garage door was like so shitty.
Like it looked like it had been shot.
They all are.
They're so thin.
Oh,
it,
it dented it.
I didn't internalize how much I had dented it until I like walked closer to
the garage door and like looked from the side and i could see just a speckled
pattern of dent dent dent dent dent dent dent dent dent and my dad got onto me a huge amount
for that didn't even get in that much trouble he was just like you know you need to shoot the pucks
in the basement if you're going to do that so it hits off the unfinished concrete down there so i
went down there started shooting rifled it right through one of the basement windows into the pool area i just
just right through shattered it and then i replaced that with with cardboard and it was
like a couple months before i think my dad noticed that i was like did you break the
the window and i was like yes and he's like well i'm glad you fixed it you know you kind of fixed
it yeah yeah we caused a lot of damage shooting hockey pucks in the basement in the in the yard
it's a very easy projectile to get going faster than you think yeah i never broke any windows or
anything uh i broke i never i don't have ever broken a window i started a lot of fires i would
start a lot of fires outside especially uh you know i like to go outside and burn things start
start different sized fires
always loved a good fire do you ever go magnifying glass fire i there was an old tv that i took apart
and it but they immediately found out that kyle was in possession of the most powerful magnifying
glass that any of the adults like the crt tv like boob tube screen. No, worse. It was, for the time, it was probably expensive-ish,
but it was like a flat screen, 55-inch,
but it was the big, thick kind.
So the front of it is actually a magnifying glass,
a big plastic magnifying glass, a big rectangle.
And so when we're throwing the TV away,
I think I smashed the TV,
then the whole box came apart.
And now you had this big magnifying glass, this little flexible piece of plastic that instantly started fires.
Like it was just like, boom.
Oh, my God.
It's on fire.
It's like a ray gun.
And they were like, Kyle can't have that.
Kyle can't have that.
Do you see what Kyle has?
Do you know that Kyle has this?
Take it away from Kyle. have that kyle can't have that do you see what kyle has do you know that kyle has this take it
away from kyle and they didn't store it until kyle was old enough they immediately threw it away
because everybody realized kyle can't have this he's gonna kyle will never be old enough for this
i'm still not old enough for that magnifying glass for sure yeah i'm nervous that you and
woody have those lasers like growing up, the Christmas ornaments started at chest height.
Because if you decorated below that, I would knock them the fuck off.
So you just ruined Christmas.
Well, I would ruin the Christmas tree, yes.
I would just smash the baubles or whatever.
Just steal them, break them, whatever.
Did you have Christmas food traditions?
I remember as a kid, my used to always make like chocolate fudge while we were doing the
the tree decoration and even by the time like me and my younger brother and my youngest brother
was like an actual baby we were like by the time we were eight and seven my mom was like desperately
trying to be like yeah come on put more ornaments the tree. And then we would just do the worst job and be like fudge, fudge.
Like, is the fudge ready?
And they're like, soon.
How about you take, you know how you put all the ornaments in the same spot?
Maybe spread those around.
And we're like, we will after fudge.
So we just didn't.
and we're like we will after fudge so we just didn't we she like oversold the fun of that day to the point that we totally forgot about the hanging ornaments and entirely focused on the
fudge that was great it depends you know christmas changes over the years now it kind of means
nothing as a kid it was such a magical thing uh when i was really little mom would make a gingerbread house every year yeah
nothing too crazy but just a a gingerbread house on the counter but i always remembered how
it would look pretty and we would all want to eat it i would want to eat it and but i couldn't
because it's the gingerbread house and i even five-year-old me was like
okay well I'll wait and then day two came around wasn't looking as tasty and then by day three the
flies had sort of gotten to it and it was like we're never gonna eat this are we that was all a
lie that was just about looking at this motherfucker fuck Fuck all of you. And that took a little Christmas spirit out of me
that never came back.
That is so true.
Like, when I used to make gingerbread houses,
like, I would often eat a bit of them at the end
because it's like, what are you going to do, save it?
It's fun to make it,
and then you're not making it aesthetically.
Obviously, you put a door on there
and you put windows on there
because when you're pretending to be a giant destroying the town later you want a little bit of aesthetic realism to it
and so then you lift the roof off and you have to eat it before it fully fortifies
because gingerbread is like quick crete in that it gets so so hard in open air so rapidly you'll
chip a tooth on a piece of gingerbread house if it's been out for two days not even joking like
you could it gets that hard and so gingerbread of gingerbread house if it's been out for two days. Not even joking. It gets that hard.
And so gingerbread cookies, you're 100% right.
It's a bullshit, nonsense, for adults thing to do.
They should make them out of sugar cookies, and it should be tasty.
It's weird the things that I'm...
I've been thinking about my childhood a lot lately.
I remember being warned about poinsettias around Christmas in fourth grade.
So I was not eight or nine years old.
And I remember specifically, like, I'm in that hallway.
I know where it is right now in the real world.
I know where that hallway is.
And they're like, Kyle, my mom's the teacher there.
She's like, Kyle, these are poinsettias.
They're poisonous.
That's why they're...
Remember, it sounds like poison, right?
Poinsettia.
I'm like, yeah, poison.
Poison.
She's like, well, don't say it like that.
They're spelled differently.
Anyway, poison.
And still to this day, I treat poinsettias like they're made out of ricin.
Like they're made out of cyanide concentrate or some shit.
I bet I could eat a poinsettia plant root and all right now
and just have some bad breath or something.
Like, they can't be that bad.
Your mom's scared of you.
They're not poisonous in most cases.
Eating the plant does not result in...
See, there you go.
Literally not even poinsettias.
Your mom just wanted all the poinsettias to herself.
It wasn't even hers.
It was the school's poinsettia.
Maybe she knew I was rowdy.
I was in a lot of trouble in fourth grade.
Fourth grade was the year where I had a teacher who was not having any of my.
She was not liking me.
My teacher thought I had behavioral issues and was constantly having my dad was having
to come up there all the time.
My parents were always cursing
about her at our house.
She was a real cunt.
She was awful.
I'm sure I had done things,
but she was selecting me out of the
bunch and just messing with me for no reason.
I remember one time my dad came up there
and was like, what's the problem?
What did he do?
He flushed the toilet with his foot.
Have you been into that boy's bathroom,
ma'am?
Do you know how much piss?
I remember he used the word piss.
How much piss there is on the floors,
the walls and every part of that room.
I relieved myself before I came in here.
You know what I did?
I flushed it with my foot.
Yeah, everyone flushes those toilets with their foot
because it's gross.
You're going to touch that disgusting metal thing
with every disease known to man on it,
that little tong that you have to click down?
No.
It was stuff like that.
It wasn't even little boy stuff.
It was like, what are you doing
he flushed why am i here talking to you in an office don't you have work because i do
he flushed a toilet with his foot did he break it like did he have shit on his foot because there
was like i don't know what the problem is that is a bullshit problem that is not i remember one time
uh we were doing arts and crafts and i took the glue and like rubbed it in my hands and i was
doing that like making a big ball of rubber cement yeah parents had to come i had to have a whole
parent teacher thing every single kid in like everybody else was making their christmas cards
and kyle decided to make a ball of glue it's like who were the the Christmas cards for, Miss Evans? Santa. Kyle doesn't believe in Santa.
But he believes in rubber cement balls.
She goes, yes.
He said that aloud.
Really?
Did he now?
Yes.
The other Marcus was very upset.
Yeah.
Sorry that Kyle's a little too red-pilled for your second grade class it was fourth grade
we're nine i knew there was no santa i figured it out in third you know like while we were writing
those letters to mary kate and ashley olsen i was like this is some more of that christmas
nine ten years old is getting dangerously close to like bully territory for believing in santa like
what nine ten year old was i don't know my parents never let me
believe in santa i like what like like is santa real and my mom was like no damn when did you
find out when did you immediately start dude no never never had a santa my parents never did the
from santa everything said from mom or from dad or from grandma or grandpa.
All right.
I don't usually do this.
That was a mistake that your parents made.
You're right.
I'm going to text him.
We all make them in life, but this is one of the ones.
Believing in Santa Claus, a magical being with no financial restrictions or no restrictions on the whimsical nature of his gifts.
He might bring you a pony.
Exactly.
Oh, my God.
As long as you believe in that, when you stop believing in Santa Claus, you enter the real world.
It's almost like that thing in the Bible when you become when you're responsible for your actions all of a sudden.
It's different when you realize the gifts come for your parents so don't ask for you know a house because they can't buy you one you know like but you might ask that of santa claus and reasonably
expect he might make that happen when you ask santa claus for a proton pack he's fucking santa
claus he can make you a proton pack daddy can't make no proton pack though. We're fucked.
When I finally figured it out,
Christmas wasn't as fun.
I got a camera for Christmas Eve.
And then you had to go to jail.
Then I had to go to jail.
Yeah.
Same year.
There's no Santa Claus there either.
Yeah.
I never,
I pretty much never got in trouble
for bad behavior stuff in school
other than talking in class and goofing around.
But all innocent stuff.
I remember in first grade, my best friend Alex and I would disrupt class all the time in a way that we didn't think was disruptive.
We would just talk in silly voices to each other in the class and the the teacher who uh thinking about this now is definitely dead at this point
because she was oh yeah yeah most of them are most of our most of our teachers are gone yeah
they're almost all dead and i remember her like having my mom for a parent teacher conference
and my mom like coming home and telling me and being like, Mrs. Smythe said that you were you and Alex all the time are doing being loud and disruptive and doing like silly voices to each other.
And you can't do that anymore.
You can't do that.
That's not an appropriate way to be.
And I remember even then thinking like, but like the teacher laughed like and the girls laughed and the other boys laughed.
Like, don't you see that?
Like, I've already learned this is how I get positive attention.
Yeah.
Like the deed is done.
Give me positive attention for something else or it's going to keep happening.
I think I really figured that out in maybe sixth grade.
I remember I was I was having a lot of trouble then like i had seemed like i had like multiple bullies
and i was like why don't these people like me everywhere i go i got yeah yeah i got i got a
lunch bully here i had a girl lunch bully it's like oh fuck yeah there's not much that's a hard
thing to get out of i had a girl lunch
bully she sat straight across from me because we had to sign seating at lunch in sixth grade and
it was like yeah and i just remembered like the way i got lamisha to stop fucking picking on me
and i don't mean just being like fuck you kyle i mean like punching the shit out of me like when i wasn't looking um was doing austin powers impressions
she liked dr evil and uh just fucking she liked that and she never picked on me again after i did
some dr evil shit and i was like okay if they're laughing too hard to hit me that's good oh yeah
dude that's that's that was so much of like school was like making people laugh and it's
like all right i've found one way to make friends i'm gonna ride this until i die like this is this
this is the this is the way i socialize and meet people i got some positive attention we're gonna
keep doubling down on this in elementary school though especially it always felt like everyone
had been explained what we're doing except except for me, because everyone seemed like they knew what they were doing.
And they're like walking in this direction, like the flow of traffic, figuratively speaking.
And I'm just sort of stumbling along.
Where are we all going?
Why are y'all doing this?
I don't know.
Was there a meeting that I missed?
It always felt like I'd missed the first five minutes of the movie,
wherever I went.
And I don't know if that was my ADD literally making me not,
not,
you know,
focused to the first,
the beginning of a class or the beginning of just lining the kids up to go somewhere maybe.
But like,
I remember often being very confused about what the fuck everybody's doing
and why we're even doing this.
Just, just all sorts doing this. Just,
just all sorts of things.
Like,
why,
why are we outside right now?
I don't remember why we're here.
Are we,
is it a fire drill?
What are we doing all the time?
All the time.
Just,
just,
just not knowing what the fuck,
why am I home in the woods playing right now,
mom?
Well,
Taylor,
it's nine 11.
Oh no. Yeah. Yeah. this just popped in my head uh they just called off the whole rest
of the day everybody came and got picked up uh here man once it was like confirmed oh yeah
i that the like misbehaving made me think one of my buddies in uh in high school luke he it was
quite the artist i talked about this many years ago on the show a bit
and he would do these
little on like note
cards these very
detailed pictures of
anthropomorphic penises
and so it would be like
the gentleman
and it would be like a penis with
like a real just I
can't understate how well done these drawings were for like a 17 year old, a 16 year old with like a Sherlock Holmes hat, a pipe and like that level of realism with also vainness and and big balls and hair. playing deck of them because people would come to him and be like hey do one a western penis do
like a john wayne penis and he'd like come back at lunch the next day and be like look i did john
wayne penis and we're like that's so funny luke do uh do uh do principal johnson as a penis and
then he would do stuff like that and the same kid who was the poop bandit who was selling a huge amount of drugs at the time, for some reason, offered to pay Luke for a couple of penis pics that he wanted, like custom ones.
And this all happened.
And this guy, I guess, did not take those penis pics home with them.
He left them out and they were at school.
picks home with them he left them out and they were at school and a teacher found them and through a little bit of sleuthing discovered like like went around was asking people like who's
doing all these like really realistic penis photos here's an astronaut penis here's a farmer penis
here's uh all these different kinds of penises very very realistic and eventually it came out
that you know luke is doing all these
you know they kind of narrowed it down like who are the really good artists who could do this uh
and who are the guys in this group who would find this funny there's this guy luke who could pull
this epic scam off the scheme off and so they made him they like called him into the office
i remember laughing over the weekend at him when he told us all this. He had to like take all of those penis pictures and get them signed by his parents back at his house.
And so he had to take like like astronaut penis, Western penis and Sherlock penis back to his house.
And he said that like his dad was like like asphyxiating laughing
like couldn't like couldn't stop laughing his dad was
like just dying and his mom had to be like luke stop drawing all these damn penises at school
how many have you drawn for the teachers to be calling me
and it was like sam are you gonna get on to him or not and he's just
just incomprehensibly funny to his like i like of course it was hilarious and it didn't and it
didn't shut him down he was a freedom fighter he couldn't be stopped he continued doing the
penis pictures do you have you seen super bad do you know the scene from that with the penises?
Yes.
I was imagining that. It's so funny.
I linked a bunch of the fucking cock drawings.
If you watch Superbad
and the credits at the end,
it's a montage of the cock drawings
and they are so well done that
it's obvious that they hired a professional artist
and had them make a lot of cock drawings that was like
2008 and so this would have coincided like that was what spurred his his hyper autistic penis
drawings was seeing that and then immediately starting his own penis drawing hilarious yeah
that was i loved super bad when it came out um i don't know what year that was but i i remember
over the years the movie that i thought was the funniest movie in the world to me
and how that changed over the years
because there was a time
when it was Austin Powers
and there was a time when it was Borat.
There was a time for Borat.
There was a time when it was Jackass.
I think it was Jackass 2,
whichever one came out in 2003 or 4
because we drove straight from high school
to the theater.
I remember it was
sold out but they sold my buddy a ticket anyway and he sat in the aisle that's because there were
four of us and he's like fucking out what are we gonna what am i gonna do like not watch the movie
with my friends yeah i'll sit on the floor he sat on the floor i mean for you you you graduated high
school oh four so you were like perfect age for Jackass.
I was a little too young.
I couldn't have gone to theaters at that time.
But you're right about that.
I remember the Borat funny phase, but even more strongly than Borat,
I remember the Jackass and Jackass 2 being just incom just incomprehensibly funny like just so silly so
nonsensical so ridiculous uh i had never seen like and at the time like i perceived those guys as
like adults even though they're like probably eight years older than me and at the time they
were what 22 but i'm like i've never seen like adults behave this way probably 25
probably 25 you know like they started with cky did you ever watch any of that shit no i never
or i kill yourself i watched the like jackass like mtv shorts and like the episodes and all that
oh cky was like they're real yeah cky was their band wasn't it no no no can't kill yourself is
is what they were is the videos of them hurting themselves
and doing pranks before they got their MTV show.
It was a whole big group of guys, right?
So they coalesced around Jackass,
but several of them were doing different projects before then.
But CKY was a lot of fake pranks and a lot of setup stuff,
but it really illustrated what Jackass could be.
And I think that's what got Jackass signed up on MTV.
And then from there, the movie and, you know,
the best Jackass skits were,
were the ones that were so simple and stupid.
And like, they, they like, they were the ones like i've mentioned it the penny
farthing one when ryan dunn rest in peace when he like intentionally crashes that penny farthing
and falls from like 11 feet with no helmet onto his head on concrete that was like dangerous is
that ryan dunn knows ryan dunn yeah it was like good god like. That is the kind of like that's so stupid. It's when I realized that like my tier of idea could be done.
Like that's the kind of retardation I would have thought at 15.
It's like put someone on a silly old time bike and run it into a stanchion in the middle of the highway or whatever the fuck.
I made my own jackass video in 2002, I think.
And then we fucked up by touching the magnetic tape and deleted
it all. I was being...
I didn't know you couldn't touch it.
And it ruined the fucking tape.
But my friend had a bicycle that had been
turned into a chopper.
Basically, they had
turned a bicycle into something you couldn't really
ride normally because the front
forks were an extra
three feet long. so long and i took
that thing down my dad's hill and it is not at not the paved side just down the grass yeah um and
just uh jumped into bushes and electrocuted myself um we tied me to a computer chair and rolled it down a driveway like a real driveway um
what else we do a bunch of other shit you know but did you ever play chicken with your friends
like on bikes where you rode it no you gotta you gotta keep in mind that i i've never owned a
bicycle really okay i would get one occasionally for christmas and then it would rust in the yard
and we threw it away because i didn't have anywhere to ride it there's no asphalt near where i like yeah lived me and my
brother fucked each other up bad playing chicken once at like the uh at the time we lived in this
house and then the cul-de-sac near the house was like way down this hill like you know eighth of
a mile just a real steep hill down though and
then the cul-de-sac and we'd been fighting about something all day just some stupid nonsense that
brothers fight about and like we were doing like bike tag at first which was just like either
cowboys and indians or cops and robbers were like you're like riding and like you're trying to tag
the other person while you're on the bike and then we decided to start playing chicken and like you're trying to tag the other person while you're on the bike and then we decided to start playing chicken and like riding at each other and it like started out where like we were
but by the time we were like 12 feet from each other we were turning away then it got to be 10
feet and then it was six feet and then like we were talking a little shit and we started like I remember in my head having one of those clear thoughts at eight years old or whatever I was where I'm like, I will not turn away.
I will not.
This is the time.
I will barrel into him if need be.
And he must have had that exact same thought on that run.
He had it the whole time.
Because we got going decently quick.
And then you get to collision zone and your body overtakes it and you start to turn.
But it's too late.
He turned left.
I turned right into each other.
And we body checked, slammed into one another.
We both got all cut up on each other's bikes and it was the most like
demoralizing walk back up to the house where we're like are you okay and he's
like yeah are you okay and I'm like yeah it's like don't tell mom you're getting up to a
pretty serious combined speed yeah yeah we knocked each other's heads off like the helmet like we're
wearing helmets but like oh yeah that's good because no elbow pads everything else is all
skint up it's no trouble at all to be going 10 miles per hour on a bike. And then combining that to 20 collision speed is pretty rough.
Oh, yeah.
And you don't think about that as a kid.
No.
Because you're retarded.
And yeah, all skint up.
Never played chicken again.
I didn't have anybody to play with.
So all of my hijinks were solo, you know, things that I could do.
So there was no way to spread the blame for you.
No, it was always me.
It was always me. Like if. No, it was always me. It was always me.
If something happened,
if there's a fire
and there's a patch of the yard that's black
now, there was no questioning.
Oh, it was you.
Who did it?
I accidentally, that guy Alex
who we used to joke around with in first
grade, my elementary school buddies.
I was the biggest kid in elementary school,
like of our little friend group.
And so I would like in our yard,
I would grab them by the arms after school
and they'd be like, spin me.
And I would like spin.
Like I was like Mario throwing Bowser.
And I got pretty competent at it to the point that like,
originally I was doing that thing where like walking
like short steps to try and stay in the middle.
By the end, I'm like digging a hole in the yard with my heels because I'm like, Jesus.
Really swinging.
And my buddy, I did to my brother.
And then I wouldn't throw them full speed.
I'd slow down a bit.
And it's like soft grass everywhere.
So the landing wasn't going to hurt anyone.
And then I did it to my buddy, Alex.
And I wanted to see how fast i could spin him and i
i believe i just i pulled one of his arms out of socket and so then we had to like go back up to
the house and be like oh alex is a little hurt but it's not even a big deal and like and of course
but i would always like i'd send my brother up to be the messenger
dilute dilute and then they come down there and they start like talking to me about it and
i'm like we're all playing a game and who's to even say who was spinning we're spinning each
other we all take turns we're spinning each other and they're like really fun me and then i spun
yeah i spun him and we're having a good time and
it's like really taylor because it seems like you're the only one spinning and i'm like it's
because i'm the i'm the heaviest i would spin too if someone could spin me i'm not doing it to hurt
alex alex i'm sorry about your arm and then he popped right back in it was fine we didn't
like i would get the you get these ideas in your head as a kid and you don't
as an adult i i come to a conclusion about a thing let's say like i don't like that person
but i'll revisit it a lot and and that can change and it'll change maybe but as a kid it doesn't
work that way you just sort of get these ideas in your head and like like me and my cousin are at
his house his shitty fucking house and we're it awful over there. I hate going over there.
He's got a shitty house.
The only cool thing is he's got a couple of porno mags and a lot of weapons.
So we're in there with the porno mags and the weapons.
The only cool stuff.
Maybe that's when I learned that some women have really ugly pussies.
Because I was just like, why did they even take a picture of this thing?
Oh my God. some women have really ugly pussies because i was just like why did they even take a picture of this thing oh my god and uh and he's got like a a what do you call it a flapjack or something it's
basically it's like a little thing to hit somebody in the head with in a movie like one of those
little yeah a blackjack yeah it's uh it's like leather and a springy handle with like a big
lead weight on the end and uh he called an inward knocker
this is my inward knocker and i was like ah okay do you do you do that a lot no
he's got like knives and stabbing weapons he's like the fucking terminator which you haven't
seen and and uh we decided to go on like a fucking secret mission so we arm ourselves
and start walking around and there's this old factory, I'll call it.
But what it really is just a really big metal building where they used to do, I don't know, some sort of fabrication way back behind this house through this field.
And we're in there fucking around because it's abandoned, breaking shit.
And I get the fire extinguisher and I'm spraying it in the air.
And now the air has become too difficult to breathe because we just filled a room with it.
Finally get out of there and we steal a bunch of...
It later turned out it was like paint thinner.
It was meant to be added to dyes
and those dyes were used to dye machinery or something.
Something like that.
And we sprayed this paint thinner
on the road in front of his house
and then lit it on fire.
And it was flammable in a way
that was difficult to put out.
Really difficult to put out.
Like his dad comes out with it on the road
and a car has stopped
because there's an inferno in the road
in front of them.
And we're standing there watching it
and his dad's outside
with a big piece of wood, plywood.
And he like flops it down over the fire. I can still see
it. And it's like, ah, it went right
out. When he picks it up, the fire goes
and comes back alive like a video
game or some shit.
He beat the shit out of Scott over that
and I just skated Scott through. My dad
pulls up to pick me up and was like, bye!
We're driving away
and they're putting the inferno out behind
me. Yeah, dad dad you won't you
won't believe what scott did today exactly not me i tried to stop me the whole thing was my idea it
was from beginning to end but you know i made my cousin's house fun i guess because it normally
wasn't you did what you had to do you got to do what you got to do. No bonus hurt. That's good.
No, I think that's a that's a PKN, folks.
Woody will be back next week.
Maybe.
Maybe.