Pappy's Flatshare - Beef Brothers Cold Cuts w/ Amy Matthews S14E14

Episode Date: April 29, 2024

The Beef Brothers are here to solve your beefs with special guest Amy MatthewsAmy's website - https://www.amymatthewscomedy.com/Pappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetPappy's Insta - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareFind tickets to all our live shows here - pappyscomedy.com/liveEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors, like high blood pressure developed during pregnancy, which can put us two times more at risk of heart disease or stroke. Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca. Greetings listener dear, or, greet, greetings listener dear, I'm Tom, I'm Ben. And I'm Matthew and I really want to believe in the three attempts you had. It's an early morning record guys, this is what happens. You've got to keep it in.

You've got to keep it all in. It's an early morning record but a very fun record. We've just finished chatting to the brilliant Amy Matthews. She's fantastic. She's such a great comedian, such a lovely person. We had a lovely time chatting to her and solving your beefs. If you would like to have a beef solved by the three of us and one of our many esteemed guests, then get in touch at beefbrotherspodcast.gmail.com. BeefBrothersPodcast at gmail.com. Send us your problems today.

And you know what? They don't have to be about your flatmates or your landlord or your neighbours. They can also be free range beefs. We've got a very strong gym based beef coming up in this episode. Oh, yeah, we do indeed. Spicy. We like a little bit of spicy stuff. So send it our way. BeefBrothersPodcast at gmail.com.

Or you can use the phone number 0208 123 3272. Bish bash bosh. Right, without further ado, let's crack into this Beef Brothers cold cuts. Thanks for doing this, maybe we can help you. Beef, rather sorting out your beef. Thanks for doing this, by the way, Amy. Oh, my pleasure. Matt, your hair looks luscious. Thank you so much.

Thank you so much. Have you changed your shampoo? Do you know what? Is it just clean? I have actually, it's just been washed. It was washed about two hours ago. So, yeah. There we go. Yeah, it makes just been washed. It was washed about two hours ago. So yeah. There we go.

There we go. It makes all the difference. Very bouncy. I've got to start washing my hair more often. Compliments like this, I love it. It's lovely. Amy, just for balance, before we press record, you're going to have to compliment

Clarke's hair in some way as well. I thought you were going for you then, Tom. Yeah, I was going to say, can I have the shape of my head. It's bold. It's really nice. It's like, you know, like there's always one long hair setting for men on like the wee avatar. That's what it looks like.

Thank you so much. Lovely bit of bounce. There we go. And you, of course, are looking fantastic as well. Of course, sorry, yes, we should have said. That's very generous. It's actually. You've got to be the only group of comics

who record anything before 11am, so I'm impressed. I know, I know, it's a test. Yeah, well done. And thank you for getting up for us. Yeah, congratulations, you failed the test. And thank you for getting up for us. Yeah, congratulations. You failed the test. So tell us, Amy, about your what's your living arrangement? Do you live with people? Do you live on your own? It's quite complicated at the moment, actually. So I the short answer is I live with my flatmate in Edinburgh, the two of us are in a rented flat in Edinburgh,

but I'm just never here for obvious reasons. Obviously our job means a lot of traveling. So like I worked in the last six weeks, I've only spent five nights in my own bed. I technically live in Edinburgh, but I'm never here. So I spend a lot of time in London, my best friend lives in Fulham so I stay with him in his spare room quite a lot. My family live in Essex, I'm sometimes there so I'm a sort of, I live in a suitcase or hours of a suitcase really but yes as far as my council tax goes, I live in Edinburgh.

That's what we were getting to. Yeah, it's so funny though, because I mean, as I say, I'm away so much and I try as much as possible whenever I've got friends gigging in Edinburgh or in Scotland in general, I let them use my room. But because they're also comics, they are on a completely different schedule to my opposite schedule. In fact, to my flatmate who has a nine to five job. So I think I'd had five different comedians come and stay and she hadn't seen a single one of them. Oh no. They're like when she was getting home from getting up for work, they were in bed and

vice versa. And I think for ages, she thought I had like this sort of rotation of imaginary friends. Oh, Ben's coming to stay, is he? That's nice. Okay. Not actually seen a single one of them in the flesh. You just basically bought five different aftershaves and you just squirt it around.

Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To make it seem like people have been. Exactly, you might just decanted a little bit of shower gel each time. I think actually if I was your flatmate and I knew there were going to be five different comedians coming to stay in my flat, which firstly by the way sounds like a great ITV2 format, hang on to that. None of them are allowed to blink. The first one to blink has to do the washing up. Okay, okay, we're blinking and laughing, everyone.

I've suddenly got off the idea now. But yeah, yeah, I think it's better that you don't see comedians. Oh, for sure. Always. Unless you're seeing them for the, for the sort of 25 to 60 minutes there. They're doing their best stuff. Completely. Absolutely right. You don't want to see them outside of that 20 minutes. The other sort of 23 and a half hours of the day. No, no, she's dodged a bullet there. Agreed. Have you talked about like sort of some sort of like rent based arrangements? Are you paying equal rent is basically what I'm saying. I am paying equal rent.

I guess you have to don't you? Yeah, because it's my prerogative that I'm never here. And also, genuinely, I did the maths once and for, I mean, I'd imagine most of your listeners are familiar with the Edinburgh Fringe, but for anyone who's not, obviously it's a huge festival and it's famously the accommodation is astronomical. And I did the maths once and I worked, there's a few times I've thought about, you know, moving back down south and I did, I crunched the numbers and the difference between what it would be for me to have a flat like mine for the month is not far off what I pay for the year.

I just thought, well, I'm still paying like my, I frequently am at sort of obviously in London and elsewhere and whatever I pay on train tickets is still less than what the difference would be in rent and stuff. So that's why I've got my bolt hole and yeah, it's great. Starmus Britain everyone. That's what we live in. Unbelievable. Unbelievable, it's gone to seed. It's crazy. There's a name for us though, that's in Edinburgh.

Have you heard the term Willies? No, well, I mean, I have heard the word. We have. Works in London, lives in Edinburgh. Oh, really? Yeah. That's worked out very well as an acronym, hasn't it? That's worked out brilliantly.

It's lovely, yeah. How many Willys are there? Cause I mean, obviously yours- I think there are quite a lot of Willys. It's reassuring to know, isn't it? Travel, so it's like travel and accommodation is, so it's cheaper to commute. Yeah.

For six hours. Yeah, well four, yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't that nuts? Does the other one as well, is it works away near Killbride, yeah. Isn't that nuts? Does the other one as well, is it works away near Kill Bride? Those guys. Is that right? Oh, you've been sat on that.

The cogs have been growing. I tell you what, for 25 past nine, I'm absolutely gonna take the next 10 minutes off. You've not been present for any of that conversation. That was great. That was really good. I read an article the other day about storage units are booming and they're kind of advertising themselves as kind of a lifestyle choice. And from your setup, there's part of me that

thinks you could transfer to a storage unit. I know. Keep your nomadic lifestyle. Yeah. Well, it's funny you say that because the first Edinburgh I ever did, it was before I did comedy, I came up for two weeks and the only thing I could afford was a, and this was Christ, I mean 2017 maybe, the only thing I could afford was a shipping container in an abandoned car park an hour outside of the city. The shipping container had six bunk beds in it, so there were 12 of us in a shipping container.

You don't even get your own shipping container. Yeah, honestly, it looked like something from Luther. was just like this old abandoned car park and then me and 12 people in a windowless shipping container spent two weeks and I remember I paid £410 for the privilege. No! Yeah which as you know is like still bargain territory in August but... We've got to get a shipping container guys. This is what I've realised. It doesn't even need to be in the city of Edinburgh.

Get a shipping container in Glasgow and we can actually clean up this August. I did always have a dream of an articulated lorry didn't I? That we buy an articulated lorry and then use it as a venue and accommodation for the month. That's right. And you kind of send out a message every morning of where the gig's going to be. Yeah. Where we've been moved on to, yeah. Park in a different place. Yeah, fantastic. No, but there was, I remember there was a Russian chap that was there the whole time I was there and he would get up, I only ever saw him in Y-Fronts, I don't know

if he ever got dressed, and he would get up every morning and start singing opera at about 6am. So that was our sort of cockerel alarm clock. Oh my god. That's the problem with, you know, if you're sharing a bedroom with strangers is tough enough anyway, the sort of the hostiling, you know, all of that kind of stuff. But if they're also going to be performers, you're in real trouble, aren't you? Everybody has their everyone has their routines that they have to stick to in order for the show to go well. We we actually shared a venue with some Russian clowns. And there was a lot of talk about their sacred space, but the little bit of the of the back of their dressing room was their sacred space and you weren't allowed, you know, if any of our sort of,

you know, funny hats or paper props rolled into their sacred space, there was absolute hell to pay. I think someone left a ham sandwich, it wasn't one of us, someone left a ham sandwich in their sacred space and there was a lot of incredibly passive aggressive notes written on the walls because... After three weeks it was pretty sacred wasn't it, that ham sandwich? Right, can I just say, maybe we drop it back into the edit, I immediately wanted to say shipping cantata more like, but then I had to Google what cantata meant to make sure

it was the right word and it is the right word, it's a musical composition intended to be sung from the Italian. So can we just drop that back in the edit maybe? Like me going, shipping Cantata more like, and everyone going, whoa, yeah, okay, okay. We can do that. Yeah, I also wanted to say works away near Kill Bride. So if there's any chance we could pop that in the edit at some point as well? That would be really useful. Just before I do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That showbiz, mate. Can I also say, at some point, I don't know if you heard a little, like, dink! During that, I spilt half of my hot coffee into my lap during that. Oh, are you okay? I hit it off the mic and then just emptied it into my lap. Oh no. Yeah, thankfully. It's not too hot.

Is everything okay in the tax? You're wearing shorts as well! I am wearing shorts, yeah. Thankfully my legs are alright, it's just sculpted my penis and testicles. But the thing is I do constantly use my legs. So as long as they're fine. Luckily my testicles got in the way. Beef from the Sonning Ayer Beef Cut! Should we solve some beefs?

We must. Yeah, we must. Tom. Hello. Thomas. Hello mate. Live from Kilbride. bride. Okay, this is a cooking from the living room beef. Okay, we're intrigued and it's been sent in by someone called Tom. What are the chances? Okay. Hello beef Brothers and Guest, which we've established is Amy Matthews.

My beef relates to my girlfriend's cooking. Here we go. Okay, we generally split household chores and I do probably 60 to 70% of the cooking, something which I enjoy. When she cooks though, she's unable to remain in the kitchen and instead sits in the living room, then frantically runs back and forth when she hears timers beep or liquids overflowing.

God, it's like that Christmas episode of The Bear. In the past, allegedly, in the past we've lived in, flats with small dingy kitchens but we're fortunate to have got on the property ladder and recently renovated our kitchen spending La la la, spending thousands, spending thousands, I don't mind it, on a functional yet stylish room that she designed. When I cook in between stirring, chopping etc. I'll potter about catching up on the washing up, cleaning countertops and ensuring the quality of the meal is as good as possible. He's just one of those good guys. Because of the cooking from another room however,

the kitchen is left in a state, meaning one of us later has to sort it out. I have to report dear beef brothers that sometimes the quality of the end product can also suffer. Ho ho ho ho ho ho! Can you help me to tell her to stay in the kitchen without sounding like an old end of the pier comic? Thanks and bye Tom.

Well, you've come to the wrong place. This is an interesting one, isn't it? Yeah, I mean, firstly, he's already rather than what he's done at the end of that is he hasn't said, what do I do? He said, can you tell her for me? Which isn't what this podcast is. This podcast is we try and solve your problems. I know we don't do it very well, Tom, but we try and solve your problems rather than can you give a message to my girlfriend because she doesn't listen to me anymore.

That's not what this is. We can't, you know, that is for cameo. If you want to get some cameo. You're listening to farm out your misogyny by Pappies with I guess this week Amy Matthews. Go on Amy. Amy what's your kitchen style? Are you a whirling dervish? My kitchen style vibe based, completely vibe based.

I really love cooking. really, really love it. But I can't bake to save my life. Like I absolutely cannot bake to save my life. And an ex-partner a few years ago absolutely hit the nail on the head. He was like, it's because you find measurements oppressive. And it's true. I like that.

Yeah, I'm really on that. Anything that involves true. I like that. Anything that involves precision, I can't deal with. Yeah. I absolutely love like just choke. And also if someone asks me, oh, how do you make that? I'm that annoying person. It's like, I don't know. It's just I'm chucking.

Doing it on feeling. Absolutely. It's jazz. It's not science. Cooking isn't a science. Absolutely. I'm a jazz artist in the kitchen and not a scientist. So yeah, I love being in the kitchen. There we go, you can clip that up. You sound like Tom's dream woman. Yeah, on the massage in the episode. That's all we needed you to say, Amy. We've got the moment. Yeah, that's it, Tom. T, women love it.

I genuinely love it. But yeah, I think I'm quite, I also love having something, either like music or a podcast on. I like some kind of audio stimulation. But maybe that's what we need to do. Maybe you just need to put on this episode of Papi's, just they can jam out in the kitchen together and maybe infiltrate that way. I feel like you're getting close there. We are trying to make her stay in the room.

It might be difficult if we're pumping this. We don't want to drive her out the house entirely. I mean keeping her company in the kitchen and being good company. Yeah that was close actually. Maybe make it a bit of a thing. Maybe give her an incentive to be in the kitchen with you, perhaps. Masterchef it. Yeah. Absolutely. You're John Turrode. Role play. You're judging. But you're a fun, you know, maybe a bit more the Wallace. Be the Wallace, you know. Yeah? Bring a bit of fun to proceedings. Listen, to be fair, there's a lot of judgment in the message already. So I think a little bit of extra judgment,

you'd barely notice it. We'd barely make a dent. What about our old friend, clear communication? Oh, we hate clear communication. That's never ever the case in any of these messages. This will be a very short podcast if we said, what about if we continue talking to each other? Yeah, have you thought about honesty?

Yeah. We'd be out of a bloody job. That's spot on though. We need to get Tom, we don't need to get his partner out of the living room. We need to get Tom into the kitchen. Get yourself into the kitchen. Now we've got ourselves a little breakfast bar when we had our new kitchen put in for the specific reason. Yeah, why not? Because it means that one of us can be working

and the other one can be cooking, but there's still a kind of, you know, that you're there in the same room, there's a conversation, you know, it's- If you've spent thousands on a functional yet stylish room and it hasn't got a breakfast bar, then you've got to ask yourself, what did the thousands go into? How good is that extractor fan?

One of those draw knobs made of fucking platinum? I don't know. I'm not half nervous, I don't know. You've got to be looking at a breakfast bar if you've put thousands into your kitchen, bro! Well listen, have you got a kitchen table? If you've not got a kitchen table, you've really dropped the ball. Yeah, big time, big time.

There should be some place in the kitchen, it should be a kitchen, even a galley kitchen could fit two people in. Sit on the goddamn counter! Sexy. That is fun! It's not hygienic. No, no, you can desol people in. Sit on the god damn counter! Sexy. That is fun! It's not hygienic. No, no, you can you can desk on it afterwards.

You know, you just... You got home on the tube. Do you know how many people sit on those seats all day? Then you're coming in, you're chucking it all over your new £1000 counter. It's platinum! That's why I always sit completely bottomless on the counter. I know where that's been. Good call.

It's a good call. I know exactly where that's been. And then if any hot liquids get spilled, at least it'll only get your penis and genitals. My penis and my genitals. The age-old question, where does the penis end and the genitals start? I never knew, I was never listening in biology. Why do you think we got pregnant? It's because you're a jazz artist not a scientist Tom, that's because you're a jazz artist, not a scientist, Tom. That's why you're a jazz artist, not a scientist.

What other ways can we use to coax Tom? And also as well, this is only, he's saying, what is it? 30% of the time, he says he's done 70% of the cooking. It's only 30% of the time. What's going on in the lounge? That was, yeah, that was going to be my question. Can you make the lounge, if you're making the kitchen appealing, can you make the lounge un That was yeah that was gonna be my question can you make the lounge if you're making the kitchen appealing can you make the lounge unappealing? Oh put on a podcast, smash the TV up? Is there anything in like an escape room

style setup? No that might sound dangerously close to locking her in the kitchen actually. But maybe if you... Escape Room got an extremely positive reaction from Amy, so actually I think I've found the way it's got a positive spin on it. I love an Escape Room. There you go, there you go. We're in business. During lockdown, I turned our flat into an Escape Room. Obviously in many ways, they were all the same. So did the government. Yeah, I turned our flat into an escape room

and it was great. Oh, that's a really good idea. Yes, please talk us through this. So I made it a three room escape room. It ended up being, I think if I remember rightly, lounge hallway bathroom. And it was a 50 minute affair. They had 50 minutes to solve all my puzzles and get out.

It was a non linear set up, so they could go in and out of all the different rooms. There was, oh, it was so fun if I do say so myself. It was great. And then so right at the very end, what was the end? Did they have to provide a password, a code? Yes, they had to unlock a password

and then if they had the password, they could leave and there was a little prize in the doorway. This is top house mating. We had a lot of time on our hands, didn't we? Oh, yeah, yeah, big time. But that's, I don't, I mean, that's- Thanks to bloody Keir Starmer and his draconian rules. Absolutely, but a lot of people just, you know, just just use it to watch Tiger King and The Last Dance and stuff, but you

actually, there's just no off on the creative switch for you. It's good. I really like that. It's more for doing not being alone with their own thoughts, I think. But yes, thank you. Yeah, absolutely. So what are we suggesting? How does the escape room work in the kitchen?

Are you saying until you've produced a serviceable meal, you can't come out. That's what I mean. I know. Yeah, the optics aren't great. The optics aren't great on that. Put a hatch in so she can just pass the meal out through. I think, okay, why don't we find some kind of middle ground,

which is pump in some stirring music. So like, in terms of, you don't have to play John to road and judge, but if you're playing some kind music. So like, in terms of, you don't have to play John Tirode and Judge, but if you're playing some kind of like MasterChef kind of, that kind of music that they do when, you know, to get the juices flowing, quite literally get the juices flowing, then I feel like you could create a much more dynamic space

in the kitchen for her. You could be an enthusiastic sous chef. You know, I think that taps into keeping a company. You can kind of really kind of enhance the cooking experience so it becomes far more entertaining than anything that's going on in the lounge. Yeah, yeah. Like a culinary bez.

Just there for giving vibes. Yeah, it's not maracas. It's little sort of jar of spice. Salt shaker. That's what you want. A little salt shaker, a little bit of paprika, whatever. If you've got jars of spice, you literally are best. Oh yeah, yeah. I mean spices. We're talking your turmeric, your cumin, rather than your, I wasn't using street lingo there.

Do you remember salt and shake crisps? I loved salt and shake crisps. Do you remember them? Yeah. Yeah. King of the playground, anyone who turned up with a salt and shake. I ate salt and shake crisps, this is how I ate them is I would eat them as two separate meals No, it's I would eat a bag of

playlist least tasting crisps that you've ever eaten in your entire life And then I chew Chopped over the salt I just put the whole no that the papers going in as well chew the whole thing just chew a big big load of salty paper and And then years later years later. I saw one of the ad adverts and realized that's not how you're supposed to do it yeah so you were sucking on a blue packet sucking on a blue packet yeah come back with a blue gob like a like a like guys are one of the groupies for the blue man group it was dangerously close to those little silicon packets you know like the yeah. Yeah. But they have got big letters, big capsules,

you know, capital letters saying do not eat. Yeah. Nothing more appealing. Come on, we all want to eat some silica gel, don't we? Yeah. You want to know what it is? I would fucking kill to try some silica gel. What's this tasty treat they've dropped into my trainers? I think if I were to get a... Because do they still make them salt and shake crisps? Are they still out and about Don't know

Like a snus Could you do that with silica gel because you're not eating it you're just imbibing it Do not eat do it by dangerously close to the I had a puff on it, but I did notbibing it. Do not eat, do imbibe. Dangerously close to the I had a puff on it, but I did not inhale, doesn't it? I feel like you're sort of going, well, I'm not technically eating it. No, I'm just rubbing it into my gums. I think I think I think any kind of ingestion of silica gel is probably quite bad for you. The old Clinton defense.

The Clinton defense, exactly, yeah. Yeah, some of my references are from 1991 and I'm fine with that. Some of them. Okay, I think we're close here. Enhancing the kitchen experience, making it more entertaining. I mean, the other thing crucially is you're clearly two different personalities when it comes to your approach in the kitchen. Oh yeah.

And at some point you're just going to have to accept that. Yes. Because that's the tricky bit. That's life man. I know that feeling very well and you, you know, in fact, very regularly we have conversations with other couples where it's like, he, I mean, someone was saying to me the other day,

he doesn't tidy at any point until after we've eaten our food. And he was like, that's normal, she's mad, she tidies as she goes. And they really couldn't square that circle. And he's like, oh, you're just two personalities in the kitchen. There are those people. And I, you know, you just, you just got to accept that style.

And that's hard. Could we pitch a redistribution of their jobs? So like maybe for a trial run, she does 30, he does 70 and she takes on some of whatever he's doing. Wait, he's already doing 70% of the cooking anyway. So you're saying- Oh, he's doing 70%? Yeah, yeah. So I think, yeah, yeah. Okay. You get the sense he wants to be doing more than 70% of the cooking. Is there any chance we could have that slightly without the urine, Tom? It's a lovely reading, lovely reading, love what you did with it. But if there's any chance we could have that slightly without the yawn, Tom? It's a lovely reading, lovely reading, love what you did with it.

But if there's any chance you could not be doing a full body stretch while you... Same delivery but without the yawn. Yes, yes. He could be doing... No, I think there's still quite a lot of yawn in there, I'm afraid. I'm so sorry. You do get the sense he would feel more comfortable if the figure was more near than 90%. Oh, 100%. Yeah, you know what? 100% tonight. He would feel more comfortable if the figure was more near the 90%. Oh, 100%. Yeah, you know what?

100%. 90%. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think as well, that's that sentence he says where he says, like, we generally split household chores and I do probably 60, 70% of the cooking. He's put that as one sentence. Those are two separate things. I think they're two separate things.

Cooking is not a household chore. No one's going. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! I believe this because no one's getting a hoovering course for their birthday, right? You know? I don't think there's anybody who's going, oh, you know, now I've got to cook, you know? Right? What? No, no, no, hang on. You have to cook. You don't have to hoover. You do have to. You do have to cook you don't have to Hoover No one's like if you don't Hoover in four days you'll die

Like obviously if you don't Hoover in four days, it's not gonna be great, but it's actually more of a chore No, you're cooking with eating Tom You have to eat you don't have to cook. Yes, but order to eat you have to cook. No that's not true. When it's chicken. When it's chicken. Yeah okay you can't eat raw food. I found that out the hard way. Yeah thank you finally. For years you've known this and not told me. You nearly had to hoover after that Tom. Fuck. You have to sell the house. But I think to say that cooking is part of the general household chores, a lot of people cook for pleasure. And I think in this case, Tom cooks for pleasure and he's gaming the system here.

He's sort of going, well, I do 70 70% of the cooking so therefore I'll do a little bit less of the cleaning the toilet. I feel like we need to move on but I vehemently disagree with this. Do you think part of the pleasure is the sense of superiority he feels over the fact that he's got it nailed down more than his partner? Oh absolutely, yeah yeah. If somebody thinks they can do something well and watching somebody else do it badly is frustrating. But unfortunately, this is relationships, isn't it? I thought you were about to say, unfortunately, this is the Puppies podcast. Stop slagging off the podcast then. It's a good show.

It's a good show. Hey. It's your fourth time. Do we consider it beef solved? Are we happy with that? I think we've given lots of good advice there. Yeah. In amongst. Keep her in the kitchen, smoke her out of the lounge.

Yeah. Beef solved. Beef solved. Beef from the sodding out your beef! Beef solved. On May 10th, Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes is coming to IMAX and theaters everywhere. What a wonderful day! This summer, one movie event will reign.

It is our time. Apes hunt humans. That is wrong. Bend for your king. Never. Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes. Only in theaters May 10. Tickets on sale now.

Dear Pappies and guests, my PT keeps trying to get me to sleep with him. I'm single, but he's married with two kids. What? I get cheap gym entry as the gym belongs to my neighbor. I don't want to leave and have to pay full price elsewhere. The issue however is that I now know that my neighbor is also cheating on his wife and good friends with her. I feel really uncomfortable when we are together so try to avoid her. should I do? Hang on hang on I'm confused now. What? There's a lot going on in this message. There is a lot going on. I think this the way this has been phrased requires us to take a leap that the personal trainer is also the gym owner cheating on his and the neighbour.

Can we have it again please? Let's try and let's let's let's pick this as we go. Let's try and drill down into this. A time, okay. So my PT keeps trying to get me to sleep with him. Tire as old as time. Yeah, classic. I'm single, but he's married with two kids. Again, it's a classic.

I get cheap gym entry as the gym belongs to my neighbor. Okay, so this person, it's their neighbor's gym. That's different to the, that is a different person for PT. Yeah. Right. I don't want to leave and have to pay full price elsewhere. Yeah, of course.

Fair play. You take a little side order of harassment for that, wouldn't you? The issue, however- You must. You must. The issue, however- You must. You must. The issue, however- You simply must. Is that I now know that my neighbor

is also cheating on his wife. Right. I'm good friends with her. So the neighbor who owns the gym is cheating on his wife. Yeah. So basically this gym is a hotbed of legends is what we're getting to. Absolute wall to wall fucking players. I feel really uncomfortable when

we're together so I try to avoid her yeah I mean Sam knows too much. What should I do? Tough, tough stuff. Well there's two, let's let's we solve them one by one because there are two, there are two issues. The number one is my PT keeps trying to get me to sleep with him. I'm single and he's married with two kids. Right. It's classic Strictly territory isn't it? It's the strictly curse all over again. But it sounds like Sam here is in no way, has been no way cursed. It's actually she's managed to quite, I think a curse, the strictly curse only works if it's both of you getting cursed at the same time. Otherwise you're just a horny dancer, right?

One of my favorite Elton John songs of course, but that's neither here nor there. But I think if your BT is just macking on you, unfortunately, I think you have to, you either have to report him to the gym that he works to, or well, go on. You've got bargaining chips as well. This turns into a fucking

Coen Brothers film at this point okay you go to the gym owner and you say sack that PT and get in a better one who isn't gonna mack on me else I'm gonna go and have a lovely cup of tea with your lovely wife and tell her all about what Jimmy Jim pants has been up to. Oh my god, you know what? Someone's holding all the chips. Yeah, I mean Sam is holding all the chips, you're absolutely right. And not eating them because as we know, Sam's getting trim.

So, so what do you say? And you go look the PT can never know that this came from me. You've gotta fire that PT. They're not professional. Get rid. Find a reason, I'm sure you can. You're obviously good at lying.

Then, and then, you know, and if he says no, then okay, organize a little coffee morning with the wife and just be like, oh, we're just chatting as pals. Before you know it, the PT's out the door. Your co-owner of the gym. Fucking who you like. You're the PT now. You're the PT now.

Oh, what up. It's a game of Thrones your way to. Yeah. Yeah. But the Thrones, like one of those chairs that you can also kind of... Hoot, hoot, hoot, hoot, hoot! Hoard the swords and just... Just like cross-training swords.

Hoot, hoot, hoot, hoot! We must be close to the idea of themed gyms, right? We're talking about escape rooms, but have we stumbled on another one of our many billion dollar ideas that we're not going to tackle? Fucking hell, Crosby, this is a real one though? This is a real one, isn't it? This is the one, man. This is the one.

So what would the theme be? What would you want it to be? Well I think, you know what, you could go far wrong than a kind of swords and sorcery thing. I think we might run into legal trouble if we called it a Game of Thrones gym. Yeah. Because we don't have the estate of... Gym of Thrones? Gym of Thrones.

I mean Gym of Thrones. Gym of Thrones. You know what, back in the 80s and 90s, a slightly more lawless time when people weren't so sort of litigation happy, you would have called your gym, Gym of Thrones, and no one would have cared about it. In the same way, there are still plenty of places called the Codfather, you know, and Mario Pluto's never solved. Jimmy Ater's, and it's a gladiators-themed gym. Oh, that's nice.

Game of Thrones. Game of Thrones! Right, there it is. Right, Amy, let's stop now, because we're not going to be able to put this episode out and we are going to have to get inside an NDA and officially join Pappies. Well on the plus side, you'll be buying your own house within three years. You can have a house in London and in Edinburgh. Gym of Tones everyone!

Gym of Tones. That would be fun. Yeah, I think that's fantastic. Cleaning a gym would be wonderful. That's a great show. Yeah, you could definitely, definitely see it, couldn't you? You've got, like, exactly, exactly as you say, you've got to, it's, there's an element of escape room to it as well. I think there'd definitely be, you know, your sparring partner. Certainly when you're in the same room as that PT. Get out of the room! My friend's gym is in an old chapel. And they've kept, like, where the organ was and everything.

And it's like a beautiful... It's not the typical music to work out to, is it? Normally they put one cap for extra, but... Big pipe organ going away. music to work out to, is it? Normally they pop on Capitol Extra. Big pipe organ going away. The ritual games. I do like the idea though of actually the next time I'm at the gym, so I think it's going to be 2027, the next time I'm at the gym, pop it on Jerusalem. I think you could

have a really good workout, some pop. Big hymns, right? A big hymn workout. Become a big hymn, that could be the... Become a big hymn. Or her, or her. Well, we've talked about this before, but you know, my mum was, for a brief period, part of a church-based Keep Fit group.

Incredible. And they were called Firm Believers. Oh that is so good. So good. Absolutely loved it. Firm Believers. That's wonderful. Based out of St. Joseph's Church yeah. So Sam I think the thing with Sam's beef is Tom you just nailed it so easily and so perfectly. You gotta fucking pull all the strings and end up out in that gym, baby. You've gotta realize that in this situation, despite the fact that you're not the one

doing all the shagging, you are the main character. Yeah. Even though you're the main character where everybody else is having a better time than you. You're not gonna do any shagging, but you are gonna fuck over a lot of people. Yeah. And then when you do become the gym owner give us a call and he will come and we'll transform

We do know that's what we do know theme your gym Be solved beef solved This one comes from Sean. And Sean writes, Dear Pappix. Cyan as I live and breathe. Cyan. Shabowin. Cyan writes, My boyfriend and flatmates, I'm assuming that's one person, my boyfriend

and flatmate refuses to finish a can of beans. Ah, okay! Yeah. I know, I know. Ah, okay. Yeah. Tom looks alive on this one because I'm, I'm, we've, this is a situation in my, in my house as well. Refuses to open a can of beans. He will only use a quarter of the tin for his dinner and will open a new tin

when he next wants to devour beans. The fridge can be full of up to three tins at a time with the oldest going hard and unusable. Oh man, this is grim. We know this. You don't want a little coaster of beans stuck down the bottom of a tin. You're never going to be able to clean it out properly. The recycling's fucked. You know, you're wasting bins. You're wasting the beans even. You're wasting beans.

Once those beans have gone in the bin, you gotta use the bin. You're wasting the bin as well. You're wasting the bin, you're wasting the beans. And I won't abide by any of it. Sean, I'm absolutely 100% on your side because this is a situation that I think we've got going on in our household,

whereby my wife will very happily open things in the freezer for the kids. We'll probably have maybe two or three bags of alpha bytes. We'll get them in the big shop. For the kids, yeah, yeah. For the kids. Oh my God. By the way, alpha bytes, they might be my favourite food. I'd forgotten how good they are. They're so good.

I don't think I've ever had an alpha byte. Clarky, come round our house with you Alphabites. Thanks man. Just bear in mind I am dyslexic. Could be quite triggering for me. You'll love it. Maybe if you had more Alphabites as a kid. Yeah, that's a good point. But we always make way too many so that my wife and I have a bunch of Alphabites. But anyway, that's not what, that's not, listen, we're not on trial as a couple. She's on trial as a person because she will open, she'll open a bag, she'll chuck some mouth bites in the baking tray, the next day

she'll go and open another bag, you go, no, finish off the bags, then we have a kind of clear idea of exactly what we're dealing with, you know, and she's like, and she was saying, well, I can't be expected, you know, when I'm trying to get the kids dinner together, I can't be expected to be like rooting through the freezer, finding out if there is an open bag already, if I see a bag, I open it, I go for it. And again, two very different styles. I get her style, I get my style. I'd prefer if it was my style, but hey, live and let live and talk about it on your podcast. But should we do a Sian situation? Because apparently you lit up like a Christmas tree when you heard about the beans.

Well, there's several ways to approach this. I've tried to apply in my house. Either A, eat more beans. Just push yourself, mate. Yeah. A quarter tin's not enough beans, mate. Apply yourself. But a quarter tin, that's nothing.

You're not fucking seven. Ditto Sean. Sean, have three quarters of a tin of beans. I would say three quarters of a tin of beans. Not quite enough for me. I would say a tin of beans. I would say three quarters of a tin of beans Not quite enough for me. I Would say a tin of beans is how much I want when I eat beans, but that's neither here nor there A eat more beans B buy smaller tins. They do quarter tins. They do half tins Do you think those creepy little yogurt pots now as well?

I was gonna say where does everyone stand on the creepy little yogurt pots now as well, don't they? I was going to say, where does everyone stand on the creepy little yogurt pots? We buy those even though I know they're made of the absolute, they're made of that sort of thick white plastic that doesn't really recycle. But equally, that's how we, you know, they go in the microwave. Again, this is the reason why the planet is fucked is because we can't be willing to make these sacrifices for reasons of convenience. But yeah, it's very easy when I'm making beans for the kids, it's basically about about two portions of beans in one of those little pots for the kids. Right. So I do them and they take a minute in the microwave.

I'm prepared to buy something that will never biodegrade. It'll be in the world forever. But it's just so damn, it's just what I need. It's so hard. It's just what I need right now. We don't need to put the pressure on the consumer here. You're right, they aren't, they're too convenient. The issue is with big bean.

It's with big beans. Yeah, it's with big beans. We're all in the pocket of big bean. Big bean needs to come up with a solution. Exactly, exactly. Also, is this person putting the rest of the tin in the fridge? Is it in the tin? I believe so, yeah. Which I think is making it quite bad, isn't it?

Very bad. It's obviously to oxidise and make these like, metal-y beans. Metal-y beans, exactly right! So at the very least you've got to pour all the beans out into another container. Of Tupperware, yeah. What you need to do, my advice to you, and I've not done this yet but I've oft thought of it, is you need to get a really kick-ass Tupperware that's the same size as a can of beans and then you need to disguise it like

it's a can of beans so put the label on it and kind of you know like laminate a Tupperware so that is your that's your cool fun beans Tupperware and then it becomes fun then and then you open your tin you use your quarter you put the rest in the Tupperware lid on that's staying fresh as a daisy it looks good and it's a lovely bit of fun and then it's only when your Tupperware beans tub's empty that you go for a new tin and everyone's happy and you do a little bit of craft and you make this thing, you give it with love, you give it as a present, you go look I've got you something how cool's this? Perfect.

I think that's definitely the way to go. I wonder if you can buy one. What was the most liberal use of lovely bit of fun I've ever heard? We're men in our 40s with kids. This is our idea of fun now, okay? You have to understand. The next time I decant anything into a Tupperware, I'm going to... Lovely bit of fun.

Lovely bit of fun, that was. Lovely bit of fun. Highlight of my day, that was. They don't do them, so we... Again, themed gyms and baked beans Tupperwares. But, Tom, I think... Two billion dollar ideas. Go on.

I think they... What it's reminding me of though is, didn't there used to be, I think there were baked bean tins that were like little money boxes? Was that a thing? Do you remember that being a thing? And it was almost like we disguise it like a tin of beans, so when the burglar comes in, they're going to go, well, that's a tin of beans, I'm not nicking that. That's a piggy bank, I'm nicking that. They did it with Coke cans as well, Coke cans with a false bottom that you could put stuff in.

It was like a way for teenagers to feel like they had a safe in their room. They did it with pencil cases as well, I'm afraid. Do you remember that? There was lots of Walkers Crisps pencil cases. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Weird. Although I don't know if that was for the same reason. I don't know if that was a safe same reason. I don't know if that was to say so. No, I think that was...

Naked pencils. They got those... He's safe. They put those little bits of salt in there as well. Little bits of salt. That was your eraser. Yeah. But yeah, I think that's good though.

The old decoy, not decoy in this case, but like the old Tupperware that's shaped like a tin of beans. Yeah. I mean, we use it every, we use it once an episode as a, as a, what should I do next? Oh, have you thought about training a tupperware to make it look like a tin of beans? Nah, yeah. Relationship solved. What's your, in your flat, what's your food type situation? Cause if you're there, you know, five days out of every six weeks or whatever it is. Yeah, I mean, the last time I did a big shop was probably 2016. I haven't done a big shop in years. But yeah, I mean, I'm in sort of quite a charmed position these days where I literally go,

because there's no point in me stockpiling food, I wake up and I go what do I fancy for dinner? And then I go out and I buy the thing that I fancy for dinner that day. It does involve a lot of mini trips to my local supermarket. Of course, yeah. Yeah. What about if it's got like an ingredient that you're like, well, I don't need all of these, but I do need this. Do you then gift it onto your flatmate? Is your flatmate constantly having to eat your sort of like- It just means I've got a kind of pantry of odd ingredients that I bought for one recipe. So I've got like, you know, like some Mirren rice wine that's been used.

Oh, I think we all do. Yeah, we all do. Yeah. My cupboard looks like, you know, you know, the BFG keeps all of his dreams in a cave. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All in glass jars and stuff. And yeah, yeah, that's what my kitchen looks like. Five of them are fish sauce. Dreams and sriracha. Why am I dreaming about rice rice wine yeah can I have some snoggle beans on toast please okay okay okay I feel like we're around and about the right area here are we yeah don't oxidize your beans the only thing I was going to suggest is maybe a in case he's forgetting that they're in the fridge in the first place is have something that you like a fridge magnet You can put on the fridge that indicates that they are in the fucking beans. Yeah There you go post it eat your fucking beans

I think I'd operate a 12-hour cutoff if it's not been decanted or eaten by the next day is it? It's got to be decanted immediately for me else you're in else you're in trubs. Yeah yeah big time. So get yourself a Tupperware, disguise it like a bait beaten, beef solved. Well Amy it's been an absolute pleasure having you on the podcast. What a joy. A pleasure. It was so lovely. Thank you so much for having me.

Anytime at all. Thanks for coming into our shipping container, our shipping container of Pod. So where can people find you? Are you on tour at the moment? You are on tour at the moment because you're never home, so you must be doing something. Where can they find me? Digitally, they can find me at Amy F Matthews on things. And out in the world, I am well, I'll be doing I'll be doing a fringe run if anyone's here. Come and see me do that safe in the knowledge that I have decent accommodation.

Because we worry about our performance, you know. I'll watch your comment going, this is all well and good, but where are they sleeping tonight? But where are they sleeping? We're worried about them. So I'm off on tour in autumn, but more details about that can be announced at the end of the month. So if you follow me on socials, all of that will be, you know, out and about. And if you want to watch last year's show,

just to test the water, make sure you, you know, you try before you buy. Do so on next up, my hours on there. Lovely. And apparently on some smart TV, which I only realized yesterday that I didn't know anything about. So apparently if you have an LG smart TV. I do.

I do have an LG smart TV. Apparently my special is premiering on there in two days' time. I knew nothing about this. What? Amazing. So actually by the time people hear this and you've got an LG Smart TV, is that show called I Feel Like I'm Made of Spiders? It is.

I Feel Like I'm Made of Spiders. Oh, brilliant title. Absolutely brilliant title. Yeah, well, that's fantastic. I'll watch that and enjoy a lovely Tupperware of Beans. Beautiful. That's lovely. Nice.

We'll have a great day. See you soon. Bye. Thank you man, cheers. Thanks guys. Thank you so much. All two will wait, one, two, three, three, two, stand, stand, two. Well there you go, that was a treat. There's nothing wrong with a bit of that, is there? There's nothing wrong with a bit of a podcast, is there? It's not hard. I mean, anyone is just a nice little look.

I mean, I'm not a fan of the podcast. I'm not a fan of the podcast. I'm not a fan of the podcast. I'm not a fan of the podcast. I'm not a fan of the podcast. I'm not a fan of the podcast. I'm not a fan of the podcast. I'm not a fan of the podcast.

I'm not a fan of the podcast. I'm not a fan of the podcast. I'm not a fan of the podcast. I'm not a fan of the there's nothing wrong with a bit of that is there? There's nothing wrong with a bit of a podcast is there? It's not harming anyone it's just a nice little listen and if you enjoy having a nice little listen to the kind of things that we stick out then why not hop on board our Patreon and support what we do in a small but essential financial way. Don't worry we're not just asking for your cash. We give you something in reply to your donation for about four pounds a month. You get an extra podcast every week.

Can you believe it? Beautiful. And it's such a fun one. Tom, I'm absolutely a gog. That was a phenomenal piece of... People listening to this now will think Tom's got a bit of copy in front of him. That was a phenomenal piece of... People listening to this now will think Tom's got a bit of copy in front of him. Some script. I know!

Imagine that was off the top of the dome. That was a gorgeous advert just for the Patreon. It was absolutely fantastic. Tom, cap it off now in style by giving everybody the Patreon website address. The cherry on the cake. I'll give you a clue. It doesn't start with at. Of course it's www.patreon.com and then Pappies will sort you out the rest. Okay.

Okay. Okay. I'll do it just so they do have it. It's of course Patreon.com. I don't think you need to worry about the www. If you want to put it in, feel free. But it's Patreon.com. It won't harm. Patreon.com forward slash Pappies Flat Share.

Beautiful, rolls off the tongue and sticks in the mind. Okay, follow Amy Amy she's terrific and in fact she's also playing the Exeter Comedy Festival the inaugural comedy festival which is the second weekend of June organized by my good friend Will Adamsdale so if you're in the southwest there's a lovely line up of people Josie Long's gonna be there Gavin Osborne, Amy's gonna be there Will himself, Ed Goerhun, lots of lovely people.

So if you are in and around the Southwest, then check that out online somewhere. Are you gonna be doing anything, Tom? Are you treading the boards there? No. You're not? That feels like a missed opportunity. You're good, man.

Whenever I'm not treading the boards, it is a missed opportunity. It truly is. It truly is. It truly is is you're saying you could just do that ad read to be honest that was so good it was really good there's no denying it I came to a crossroads near the stage and trod the boards less trod straight into the audience that's my current... when people ask me my gigging at the moment that's my reply and then they don't ask again it's a great conversation ender for any question I say really

and it's a great way to end this pod so we'll see you soon the pod less podded So we'll see you soon. The Podless Pod as well, yeah. The Podless Podded. So today's episode was produced by Emma Corsham. Corsham team! Cheers everybody! Bye! Bye!