Pappy's Flatshare - Beef Brothers Cold Cuts w/ Eleanor Morton S13E39

Episode Date: October 31, 2023

The Beef Brothers are here to solve your beefs with special guest Eleanor MortonEleanor on Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/eleanormortoncomedy/Eleanor on Twitter/X/Elon's site - https://twitter.com/EleanorMortonEleanor on Youtube - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCLzO781CmMYdN7riQAnmp8gLIVE SHOW THIS WEEK5th November 7pm - Final show of the year and it's another bit-too-early Christmas Special. On November 5th we'll be at Cheerful Earful Festival at the Bedford in Balham, solving your festive beefs with Catherine and Helen from Trusty Hogs for a Beef Brothers Cold Turkey. Tickets available now! - https://www.designmynight.com/london/pubs/balham/the-bedford/cheerful-earful-podcast-festival-day-6?t=ticketsPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetPappy's Insta - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareFind tickets to all our live shows here - pappyscomedy.com/liveEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings, listener dear, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I am Matthew and welcome to another exciting episode of Papi's flat share, Beef Brothers Cold Cuts. We're here again. We're here again. We're here again delivering the pithiest title in podcast land. It's a BBC, guys. We had a ball today, didn't we? Lovely time. Yeah, it was really, really fun. We've just finished a lovely morning recording

with the brilliant Eleanor Morton, who if you've not seen her stuff before, she's fantastic. Do follow her online. She's great on TikTok and Instagram and X and all those kind of places as well. Well worth of all is she's a brilliant video, she's a great stand-up. So yeah, check her out. If you ever see her come into your town, do go and see her and definitely follow her on socials. Before we get started, we just like to say we've not started. Before we hear that episode,

I should say, we kind of have started. Yeah, we have started. Crucially, this is the podcast, guys. We're not doing a rehearsal. Oh, good. We should. We should once in a while, we should try and work out exactly how not to talk over each other. I think that's largely down to me. So before we get into the main body of the episode, don't forget, if you would like to come along to the cheerful, earful festival,

you can see a whole host of wonderful podcasts, including a beef brother's cold turkey, a festive special of beef brother's cold cuts, starring myself and Clarky, and the two very, very funny people from the trusty hogs podcast, which is of course Catherine Bohart and Helen Bauer. We're gonna be on the fifth of November, on the fifthy hogs podcast, which is of course Catherine Boehardt and Helen Bauer. We're going to be on the 5th of November, on the 5th of November, remember the 5th of

November, we're going to be at the Bedford in Ballum. So go to cheerfuleafel.co.uk or pappyzkommady.com forward slash live to get your tickets. There'll be a link in the show notes. We're doing their show. I can't wait to see it. You're excited. You obviously will be. You'll be off having a baby. Finally, you'll be a link in the show notes. We're doing their show. I can't wait to see it. Yeah, you're exactly. You obviously will be off having a baby. Finally, trust the watch.

Hey, do you know what? You can watch it. I've just found this out. You can watch it on Next Up, man. You can be streaming it. It could be the first thing your new, your new offspring gets to enjoy. It's some top comedy from the trusty hugs

and from two thirds of Pappies. Why not? Introduce to your uncle and their uncle in Ancesth. Exactly, yeah. The only way to go is up from there. But yeah, November the 5th, get yourself along there now. And it's a brilliant, like the whole festival is brilliant. Loads of your favourite podcasts are going to be there. On that day at one o'clock, the birthday girls are doing their house party. The at three o'clock, nobody panic are the brilliant Stevie Martin and Tessa Coates they're doing theirs. I think nobody panic and the birthday girls are doing their collab as well. Lex Education are our pals Ron and Laura are doing their show, trusty hogs and of course, Papies, Papies, Flat Share beef brothers

called to the Christmas special. But we also need your beefs as well. So if you'd like to send your beefs into us, it's beefbrotherspodcast at gmail.com. Your festive beefs is what we're looking for. If you've got a problem with the people you spend Christmas with, then send us a beef today. Or we'll have, we all have.

We all have, we all have. We've all got beefs, man. We've all a beef today. Or, we'll have. We all have. We all have. We all have. We've all got beef, man. We've all got beef. Or if you're not into typing stuff out, then why not send us a voice note on WhatsApp or call this number. It all goes to the right place.

It is of course, O208, one, two, three, three, two, seven, two. You can message us on WhatsApp. You can send us a voice note on WhatsApp. You can call that number and leave a message, all of that works. And our friend Joe has got in touch to say, hi, inspired by the concept of late night

new, new moron, Numerinim. Numerinim, is that what I'm gonna say in that word, right? The late night Numerinim adverts, may I suggest, O-2-O- suggest O2081 ad bra ADD BRA or O281 bed bra BED BRA or O28 B bra so various brass and areas there all worthy of a song

Thanks Joe, so those are other ways to remember it or if you'd like to hear a song here's one right now Ah, that was a good song There's a beautiful song wasn't it? What a gorgeous song great. Well, let's get into this Let's get into what I Like to you to describe as the body of What I liked you to describe as the body of the piece. Wait, sorry, what is it? What is it? What you like you described it as the body of the piece. Oh, is the body of the piece, yes?

Yes, it's the body of the piece. And just in case this didn't come up in the actual recording, we might mention it a few times, but Eleanor was recording this from a room, festooned with a variety of leather bags. We might mention it a few times, but Eleanor was recording this from a room, festooned with a variety of leather bags. There must have been a good 25 leather bag hanging up around her head.

That's all. So, purses, jackets. So, it looked like the well for the end of silence at the lambs. You're really, it is. So, pop the lotion in the basket and enjoy this episode of Be Brother's Colts, Col Cuts with Eleanor Morton. Well, if you've got a problem, I'm calling a problem, if you've got a problem call a

bee, if you've got a bee, maybe we can help you be from the sorting I can be. Live from the cupboard. Yep, this is my recording cupboard. You've got a lot of bags, I'll say that much. I do. Sometimes I think I should take them down and so it looks a bit less like a cupboard, but then why lie? There's a lot of leather going on in the shot, actually. It's a very leathery shot.

It is leathery, isn't it? I can even add to that. For our vegan listeners. You guys have got a lovely, are you in a recording shed Tom? What is it? It looks nice. That's a really nice way. I am in a shed and I, to say it's a recording shed, makes it sound so much better.

It looks lovely, yeah. You'll have very nice recording setups. Thank you. Thanks so much. All my leather is just that side of the... It's you. Clarke's got a leather iPad, haven't you? And below the waist.

Clarke's entirely leather below the waist if you stood up, then you'd see the chaps. If you turned it round and down, it's a dungeon on the other side of it. It does a very different podcast after us. Yeah, he co-hosts a podcast with Rob Halford if Judas Priest. Yeah yeah yeah yeah. And so shall we? Shall we get cracking into it? We must. We could talk about leather all day. But we definitely wanted to do it as a leather pod. I didn't realise it was so leather heavy but we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, we were, I don't know where it's going. Well, it's leather-related. They had sponsorship. They were sort of funded and patronised by the worshipful company of leather sellers. Ooh, that's fun.

Yeah, so it meant that he was never short of a bookmark. No. I thought he was my brother. He was never short of a bookmark. But your mum didn't get any free handbags or anything. No free handbags, no free gimp masks. none of that kind of paper, no, just, I think it's, when it comes to leather, I think the stuff you can give away to every kid in a school.

You're gonna, if you've got to give away 600 or 700 of something, it's not gonna be a pair of shoes, is it? No. From the washable company leather sellers. Gonna be a bookmark. They're not made a leather. No, but crucially, the bookmark is a pure leather item.

There was nothing else going on on that bookmark apart from leather. So, you know, it was a good item to have. Is it just an off cut? I think it is, yeah. It's a bit like when you get those super green soups. Have you ever drunk a super green soup and then you get to the bottom of it and you're like, it's leather. This is all leather. The secret ingredient. It's just a

leather at the bottom of it. It's one of the secret spices in Coyote of Sea as well. It's leather, unfortunately. I wouldn't be surprised. Those are the superfoods aren't they? It's like blueberries, acai berries, and leather. And leather, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Not weirdly, not beef. Don't. The inside, no way, no way.

But if you were to eat a suede jacket, oh, you'd lived to 150. Oh. That's why Bon Jovi looks so well preserved. It's because those little tassels hanging off his jacket, he's always pulling one off and nibbling on it. So also why he looks like he's made a leather as well. Exactly.

He gets you in the end, doesn't it? He gets you in the end. Paul runs very much in his early leather in January. He'll catch up with him. He really ends, yeah. The dream. Well, Elyna, thank you so much for coming on the pods. Oh, delighted to have you on board. Thank you for having me. It's a total pleasure. So, we obviously know that you live at the moment

in a tiny little leather room. I do, yes. But beyond that, what kind of a person I you to live with? I have lived by myself for about six years now, so I don't even know what I'm like to live with. I don't think I am very fun. I am very anal and type A, and I will follow people around being like, you're gonna do that, you're gonna do that? You're gonna do that? Do you find yourself in all living with yourself? Do you have a different monologue that picks yourself? Very much. Absolutely, very much so.

That is tough. That's tough when you can't stand yourself as a house. No, it's sad. It's sad, but it's a very clean and tidy house. So, you know, there's swings and roundabouts. Well, quite often, we've been doing this pod for a while now and asking the question about what you like to live with. And I think we've all come to the conclusion that the dream

housemate is no housemate and to be living on your own. I mean, yeah, I've got very nice way. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Can I say the all we've all come to this conclusion, anyway? I don't think that's all I love company. I need company. The dream podcast is just doing it on your own. It's trying to turn it on.

It's trying to turn it on. It's trying to turn it on. It's trying to turn it on. It's trying to turn it on. It's trying to turn it on. It's trying to turn it on. It's trying to turn it on. It's trying to turn it on.

It's trying to turn it on. It's trying to turn it on. It's trying to turn it on. It's trying to turn it on. It's trying to turn it on. It's trying to turn it on. It's trying to turn it on. very lucky and when I was living in London, I'm back in Edinburgh. When I was living London, I got very, very lucky with my, well, I was in a flat shirt and it was a nightmare and the landlord kicked us out and I really needed somewhere and my partner at the time, Josnores, of comedy, he has a friend whose mum, he said, oh my, my friend, Pippa's mum's got a little house in her garden. You can live in that. Ooh, like a little summer house. It's sort of like a, like a little house.

It was a tent-tatch, you know. I only realised that after a few years, but it was kind of like, it was a Victorian building and then it was a little like, I don't know what it would have been in Victorian times But it was sort of you know like a studio flat in her garden Yeah, yeah, but for but for a very Beautiful cool person a very young cool granny. Yeah and And yeah, and obviously you know she was

And, and yeah, and obviously, you know, she was, is it a bossy lady? If you're in Edinburgh, could you call it a boffe? I don't think you could, I think a boffe has to be on a hillside and it has to be cold and grim. I'm going to boffe. But I don't, I think it would just be a shed rip. People did think like, I would tell, I would try and explain my living situation

and people would be like, I think Helena, does Helena live in someone's shed? You heard about, I think Helena Morton might live in someone's garden. Like a, like a known woman. She's very clean shed, but it's a shed. So yeah, I just got really lucky because I feel like, you know, living, flatshades in London especially has been, has been a lot. And I think, yeah, and then she moved, she moved last year so I moved back up here.

But yeah, I got very lucky and I just lived by myself and now I kinda hate people. So, I don't know if I have to go back to that, I don't know how I will. Yeah, how are you gonna ever crawl out of the satchel you know, living? Yeah, I don't know how I will. Yeah. Yeah, how are you going to ever crawl out of the satchel you know, living? Yeah, I don't know. And face the real world. It's like a borrower.

I think it's tricky, isn't it? If you're so used to your own company, then how do you have the new people into that? I don't know. And bring new individuals in. If someone else were to live with you, because you live with people in the past, would they see your sort of tiniiness as helpful to the upkeep of the flat, or actually a bit of a burden?

I think they'd probably see it as annoying. I mean, it depends what kind of person they were, but I'm very much like, I just want the bits I use to be nice and clean and tidy. So it's not like I'll be doing other people's work. I'll just be, it's my room, the kitchen, the bathroom. And then I did want to try and install a rotor, a cleaning rotor in a flat, I didn't go well.

I think, yeah, I don't think I don't think it's an attractive trait, but I also don't care. So, for a leaning, I'm very much leaning into my, you know, I'm aware that it's unbearable to live with, but I've just got, I've got standards and no one else else. So, what can I say? Well, this is exactly what we need. We need someone with standards to help our listeners.

We've got, there's actually, there is a cleaning beef coming up, but it's not the first beef, but I think this is when you're going to really come into your own because it's a big cleaning beef that I think you'll respond to later on. But should we start with Tom, should we start with the beef from Charlotte? Ah, I'd love to. This is free range, a free range beef that we don't often, we don't have to start free range. And then a for those that don't know a free range beef is one that happens possibly outside of the flat share situation it can happen in the in the real world. So free range beef, phantom fish fryer from Charlotte, the worst of the Star Wars films. Phantom fish Fish Fryer Beef from Charlotte via beefbrotherspodcast.gmail.com.

Get in touch via the email. Dear Pappies and prominent guest. Very nice. And you, how did you feel about that, Ellen? How did you feel about being prominent? I think she was hoping James A. Castell would be. LAUGHTER Well, congratulations. That can go on when your post is now prominent.

Promanent puppies yes. I have a free range beef, the phantom fish microwave. I have an office in a shared office space. There are at any given time maybe five to ten other companies here, from single freelancers like myself to those with upwards of two employees. That's right, we've a pool of 10 to 25 people to pick from. That's slightly more than an Agatha Christie. That's exactly what I was thinking.

That's more people than you'd want to fit on a post-trait. Quaro can't handle. He can't handle that. And crucially, the viewer can't handle that. I don't know. If you're in the first 20 minutes, you've introduced 25 characters. If you're introducing more than one character a minute, they were in trouble. It's going to be a really confusing episode to follow. You'd have to be working it with triplets at some point, try it.

Yeah. Get up to the rope to as quickly as possible. Yeah, absolutely. There's a K-pop band over there. That's seven of them, but you can count them all together. They only work together. Yeah. So, there's a sketch group, a K-pop band. It's a pop-alty.

Yeah, I would... No, that's a pyro film, I would watch Kenneth Branagh. So, there's the pool, 10 to 25 people. Most of the time we're all pretty respectful of each other, but for the kitchen. Actually, I'm the corridor. Now I'm writing this. I could already see this is maybe more of a free range beef herd. H-E-R-D. So I'm going to bullet point them

so that I can get back to my actual job. Ooh. Number one, never putting dishes, cups, cutlery, and the dishwasher. Number two, never emptying the dishwasher. Number three, never putting the dishwasher on. Number four, not cleaning spills, sugar, water, coffee, et cetera. Number five, having loud conversations outside

my office to be clear. This is someone who has their own office but likes to walk, which means I need to have my door shut like a hermit. Now those are off my chest, I mean there are plenty more, we've not even tapped into the state of the bathroom, we hit the most offensive. The phantom fish, micro-aver. This person, who remains nameless because I have yet to find the fishy fuck, cooks their macro in the microwave. Macro! Oh no! We're not talking a short blast. We're talking fully cooked. So why haven't I found them? Well, my office is at the other end of the corridor. By the time the fucking awful smell has reached my office

They've disappeared like a phantom, but oh my god, and there's full stops in that the smell lingers Sometimes for days in mid-winter I've resorted to having the windows fully open just to be able to actually breathe I've had to go home in the past I've had to go home in the past. I've tried past where we've had to go home, right? Well, if you're sleeping in the office, there's bigger problems going on. Well, maybe it's because we take this podcast seriously, Matthew. Hahaha.

Home bird, crossbow, clocking off again. To do all that right, minute home. Fair play, that's all for me. Okay, fair play, Tula Mon. Okay, I've tried Pass Agnotes. Please don't cook fish in here. To which someone, the Phantasm brackets question mark, added, why?

Oh. Oh. Followed by another edition, not me, and I'm guessing not the fishy fuck, because it stinks, sorry. So it's not just me. Brothers of beef, what can be done with this? Cheers everyone! Fish fryer!

Charlotte! Bracket Shea. Charlotte. Right. Firstly, a beautifully laid out beef showy side yes we can't we can't we can't argue with that Eleanor have you have you shared a workspace with other people? I know you refuse to share a flat. I yeah, no, I have various different ones over time And I feel like kitchens are a big, bigger shoe in shared spaces. I would just quit.

What job is worth it? Absolutely. And I was like, I might have seen some of you tried fight. Yeah. Well, she could take her job elsewhere as well, right? It's her, she's on her own in this office, it's her bit. I think it's her. This is like a shared office space for sort of freelance

or like different types of companies. She's a single freelancer. Yeah, I mean, I don't want to put it on her, but definitely have a look at other options, you know? Is it bad I want Macrol now? Is that weird? I love Macrol. I love Macrol.

Well, I was assuming it was the smoked Macroll but maybe it's... I don't know, is this person cooking Macroll from scratch? No, I'm not sure if you couldn't. She's not sure. Surely that's bad. Is this person smoking a Macroll in the Mosque? Does she complain but it turns out she actually works in our breath smokey? Sorry, I should say one of the businesses I share with you is an armbreast like

I will say this it is tricky. They shared office spaces like living with living with people's heart having to add You're adding the energy of a flat share into your working environment. That's what these places do. And there are some like, let me put this right, there's a lot of people who live on boats who work in this kind of place. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? It's weird saying that there's a fresh catch from the canal. Well, you know, it's a canal macro. There's dirt under the nails of people who are working here. I'll just leave it at that. Do you not have any? Any of you ever lived on a boat?

No, no. No, we don't have any. I've never worked in an office. We could be less qualified for this. I've done a lot of work in a place like this. And I think it's very evocative for me of that, basically. I can picture it already. There's a lot of people coming into work

wearing the same clothes as the day before kind of thing. Because they had an impromptu part you have to work on the premises. And didn't invite you. There's, yeah, I mean, I was working on the podcast famously. There's other people who bring their dogs in. Oh yeah. Jeremy, it's that kind of place.

I love it when people bring their dogs in. No, but it's the dogs wearing a neckerchief. Do you know what I mean? The dogs smell smoke. The dogs fresh off the boat The dog's been for a dip in the canal. Oh no. On his way to the office. It's tricky. Is it an option here to smash up the microwave? Take the microwave out of the equation. Did wonder about yeah. How often is this supposed to eat fish? I mean, that's not too much. I feel like a lot of fish.

You're making three levels. You're making three levels to be through the roof, wouldn't they? Yeah. I don't think you want to be having oily. Is it three portions of oily fish a week, they recommend? That's still quite, I mean, if they're having them, if they're having them during the week days, they could still be doing it, you know,

Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and absolutely wreaking out the office. If it leads for days, that's pretty much a constant coverage you're doing, if they're getting their levels. I was going to say two a week is too many for me. Or, and if Matt Crawday comes on a Wednesday, then that's the end of the week, Jigga, isn't it? Yeah, that's it. If it's sticking around. The fact that the passive aggressive note, that the reaction to that was just,

was a real defiant why feels that like this person is not gonna be reasoned with, like it's not like they weren't aware that the macro was an issue. This chaps balls, whoever it is, they've got there, they don't care, to follow it up with a why, my god. They're not embarrassed.

It's because they're gizzed to the fucking nuts with a mega 3 that's why you've got to find the person who's walking in the office with a mega 3 energy yeah the woman who's walking through walls or some shit like that because this mega 3 stuff is just got incredible joints yeah listen to everyone squat down in the office. Do you want to do a Cinderella way? You're like a fan this shoe and everyone's going to try it on. And when people kneel down to try on the shoe, listen for their joints. Or like, organize a work sports day. And then you'd be the person who's judging.

You know when people put their toes over the line on the long jump, but really you're having a really good listen for the joints on takeoff. So you're looking for a healthy, a healthy, defiant person, someone rude and rude in health as well. You rude health, rude health, rude in personality. Yeah. Someone who's incredibly limber is what we're looking for. I mean, the other option.

Yeah, go on. December's coming round. Oh yeah. Wait for the fish to smell. Then in your office, you've got an impromptu Christmas party ready to go in a box. So the fish comes in, you smell the fish, you come out, you blow a horn, and you're like,

everyone, it's Christmas! Impromptu your office Christmas party, you start handing out booze, you crack loads and mistletoe up around, then you get a kissin' and the oldest way to find out who's beneath the fish. It's a real matahari getting in there kind of. Yeah, exactly right, that's it. That's it, we're getting under that, that you're thinking of.

It's an espionage. I've just kissed by the way, it's over. You're snogging around the office, fighting, looking for the fishy, looking for the fishy culprit. This is why I would have just left. What you'd rather leave then just get off with everyone in the office. Come on man!

We've got to solve this case! I've got to open up a sports day, I've got to do a Christmas party, it's a lot of work. Okay, time to give out the sports day prizes and the prize is a little kiss! He's active again! Does this office have a HR department? Just asking, just asking. It doesn't sound like it. So your proposing, Tom, fans, that Charlotte try and kiss everyone in the office. In the course of a short impromptu Christmas party. And probably open mouth kiss to get a taste.

I don't know, with Macri, imagine. And you're also saying, imagine your life within six feet. I think I was going to say, I think you'll probably be able to work it out in the lunch. Is that one of the sports events? Yeah, we did a win drilling pics. We're doing a win-drilling pics. We did a win-drilling pics as well. I'm thinking is there not some kind of way of catching them out in the act? Can you rig something around the microwave like a tripwire?

Not a tripwire, that would be dangerous. A mini tripwire for the hand. Hang on, can we just un-pick a mini tripwire for the hand? Yeah, I'd like to go back to a mini tripwire for the hand. Hang on, can we just un-pick a mini trip wire for the hand? Yeah, I'd like to go back to a mini trip wire for the hand. Let's not move away from that. I just, you put it in front of the microwave, and then the hand goes to the microwave and sets it off. And I guess an alarm may be rigged to the office,

your office, Charlotte's office. What if someone's just doing a pot needle? Or... Well, you know, you just have to take that into account Charlotte's office. What if someone's just doing a pot noodle? Or... Well, you know, you just have to take that into account. And, you know... What about a nanny cam? Yeah, ring the ring doorbell on the microwave.

There you go. Exactly. You stick a ring doorbell on the button that sets it for 30 seconds. Well, if you like it, then you should have stuck a ring on it. In this instance, if you don't like it, you should have stuck a ring on it. Because we're trying to catch the the macro culprit. I think this is, this is it. The other thing you could do, if you don't want to go the technology route, if you want to keep it a bit more sort of cost effective is, I appreciate

that by the time the smell has reached Charlotte's office, the culprit has long gone. But presumably, they've gone back to their office to eat the macro, right? That's, they're not in the kitchen anymore, but they're probably taking it back to their office. What you've got to do is you've got to knock on every office, and for some sort of really basic but inoffensive request, I was going to say you've got a Samsung charger, but yeah, I want to kiss you, Let's call that, let's call that plan B. And kiss a gram. It's kiss a gram. Yeah.

See, you didn't know about the office kiss a gram. It's every season. Yeah. Kissy kissy. Maybe this could be the start of a beautiful love story, you know. Yeah. I mean, it could be sure. Yeah. Now serve macro at the wedding.

Trick somebody to kissing you and then, and then you marry them. And then you go, oh, you breast thinks, for the marry me. It's just like a romcom where they don't like each other at first because he keeps micro-having fish. Classic, richer Curtis scenario. You've got Macrole. Love Macroly. You go. Race yourself. So can we finally throw in a bloodhound into the mix? Oh yes. A fish trained bloodhound. Exactly right. A fish-trained bloodhound.

That's a thing. I think bloodhounds will adapt. Sorry, Eleanor, you have to talk about a mini-trip wire for the hands. You can't go on that's a thing when Thomas suggests a bloodhound. Come on. That's fine. We would have to be a fish hound. No, that's fine. We would have to be a fish hound. To get fish, fish have blood. Yeah, no, that's to do. Yes, they do. They do.

Well, you get, you do get, you get bloodhounds, and then you get special hunting dogs for, you know, game and things. So it's like a hunting dog for fish. And you also get snapper dogs for all. What, I think it's a cat, isn't it? Isn't it a dogfish? A.

No, you're right is a cat It's much more a cat that you need a cat Blond hang on hang on bloodhounds don't just smell blood do they smell other things if you give a bloodhound Related go boy go boy then they'll go what if you give it it some fish Yeah, yeah, you've to get me straight into the sea. I'm drowning for blood out in it. But I'm worth it to know what happened. I think Tom, I think you're right.

I think a sniffer dog, you can train them to sniff out basically anything, right? Anything with, anything with even the vagus of scents. They could, and they could smell it from, from miles away, can't they? Because a, a, a sniff of dogs got like a, a range of like two kilometers. They can start two kilometers away and find five of them. You think of a shark? A sniff, yeah, a sniff of shark, yeah. I mean a shark, you probably do a good job, sir. Now a shark. Yeah.

Well, famously you can't smell underwater. So is that the option? You definitely shouldn't try. You should be trying. That is so. I think you can smell underwater. The whole thing. I think just don't, yeah, don't inhale the big help

of when you're underwater. Oh no. Can you smell and. You can't smell underwater? I think fish can smell it, but we can't, because don't sharks come, like if you're bleeding, they can smell the blood, isn't that? Yeah, it's not.

I can't see the blood. I can't see the blood. Yeah. I'm sure you can smell underwater. What are you saying? Because like, for example, if you're wearing a snorkel, right? All right. You can smell that and you're under water

Yeah, but you don't know who's wearing it. Yeah, you're nose I'm like saying if you're in a submarine And some of the parts Can you smell it? Is that a one to hear it? That's the old four experiments. You're telling me some reason don't go under water They're called submarines. Sathers in under and the rain is in water. Yeah, but I'm sorry, man. Before it's gone under the water. I'm quite a spider-like way. I'm pretty nervous. Yeah, let's get rid of some Marines.

But what about, right, say for a, all right, how about this? If I put my nose in this cup of coffee, would I be able to smell the coffee? I think I would. I think isn't part of smelling breathing in. Alright, if I put my entire face in this cup, wouldn't I be able to smell it? If you're submerged in the coffee, I think, if you're, no, I think if you're underwater in a swimming pool, and I pour a cup of coffee in, I don't think you're smelling coffee. And that's the test.

No, you're being kicked out of the, the leisure centre. Oh, no. But I'm not smelling coffee. Sure, fair enough. I guess that's probably true. That's probably true. Hang on, if you can't smell,

sorry, if you can't smell it under water, submerge the office, the problem goes away. Exactly, that's why I was trying to get up. We crisped for no, and this shit. We carried this. Flood, flood the office, give everybody snorkels, or actually, no, not snorkels, because it's been in those. Give no one snorkels.

Who established that? You're doing that. And then, you know what? Let the macro roam free. Nailed it. Beef solved. Beef solved. Beef solved. From the sorting I could be solved.

Parcel beef from Jenna. Hello dear podcasters and esteemed guests. Thank you. I have a beef that is more neighbor related than flatmate. I live alone and currently work from home. So I'm no stranger to our local postman. Quite often I usually end up taking parcels for my fellow neighbours, as personally, I would like people to do the same for me.

My first beef is with the postman, as it has now reached the point where he rings my doorbell to deliver parcels, even when I have no post. The other day, I took parcels for three separate apartments and zero parcels for myself, meaning I later have to go around and deliver took parcels for three separate apartments and zero parcels for myself, meaning I later have to go round and deliver the parcels myself. She's become a postman. My second beef was revealed to me by said postman when he divulged two days ago when I missed a parcel delivery that he asked a couple of neighbours if they would accept my parcel to which

they said, no. No! Wow. No way! Am I being unreasonable for resenting them for this? No! Should I refuse their parcels, although I feel like I would also be making the post-his-job harder.

Should I move? Please help, Papis. I've created a pseudonym in the instance that one of my neighbours listens to this podcast. Bye! Jenna Tolls. But... Thank you podcast. Bye, Jenna Tolls. But, see you then. Thank you, Jenna Tolls. Thank you, Jenna Tolls.

Yes. Okay. Oh wait, I just got it, I just got it. It's good, it's good, Jenna Tolls. Good stuff. Classy. It's a tricky one this, isn't it? Because I think the, obviously, the shocking moment

is the fact that I didn't realize you could say no. I don't think anybody did. I mean, I wouldn't, but I just assumed if someone says you're going to take this in, of course you're going to say yes. Of course you're going to say yes. Wouldn't inconvenience you. No, I actually don't even, you know, the arrangement I've got with my neighbours is that if I take in their parcel or they take in my parcel,

we go and pick it up from them rather than the difference. Yeah, that's right. So, Jenna, you don't need to be, I mean, you seem like an incredible person, and you're going above and beyond of delivering the parcels after they've been dropped out off to you and accepting the parcels in the first place when your neighbors are not doing any of that. However, it's the big question, if you find out that people are behaving badly, do you lower yourself to their level? To their level?

Do you then just... I go low. We go high. You've got to go high. So what you've got to start doing is you've got to start buying them presents. Oh, okay. So they've got even more, yeah.

So you just get presents, even random presents delivered to your door that then get delivered to them. You've got to basically, you've got to go from postman to father Christmas. And all I'm saying is, hang a little bit of mistletoe above the door as they open it up, get off with them. See what they're about to do.

One of my ad for dinner. And all the presents are boxes of macaron. Yeah, all of your beef solutions guys do seem to involve making out with people I don't have. Is that unusual? So we've been there for so long now, are we? I haven't really noticed.

I really impressed and shocked that this person, you know, obviously, it's very nice that they are concerned about the post is workload but the postman is being paid to do this is their job and I like that they're like I don't want to give them more work so I'll do it for free. But maybe where outro's and falls down you know that's actually the postman's all we didn't mind doing this job. Give me a bag, I'll finish you round. Yeah, it's incredible. Say a price clocky, a bag. I think the place we can get involved in that sort of thing.

I don't know about this one. Because you know, it's pretty stinky, isn't it? What's going on here? Stinky than the first, weirdly. These people need to, they need to know they're out of order. How can we get that message across, basically? Yeah. We have to break the status quo.

We can't reward them for their shitty daibiness. What are they doing that they're never in in their constantly ordering parcels or things? I mean, they've got proper jobs, haven't they? Yeah, that's absolutely awesome. I always forget about people with proper jobs, yeah. People with real jobs that require you to leave the house, yeah, they're not podcasters. I've got a good idea. You collect all the parcels over the course of a week

And then on the Saturday morning you open your front door But like you put a trestle table out and you know those perfume seller the dodgy perfume sellers at the market or these Street, you kind of you kind of Jason stay them it from the start a lockstock and you kind of go, okay Here we go you live on this street, well this is pretty neat, someone's got this here, someone's all over the room, someone needs to put it in there, how, who wore it, is it seven, is it five, and everyone comes out, and then you kind of auctioning

and giving back, and I don't really know what it would achieve, but it feels like it was fun. It was a lot of fun, yeah. It was fun, I enjoyed it. You'd have fun. The only thing I was going to say that I would improve it ever so slightly is as you're handing over the present, you give them a little smooch. Oh, that goes that saying.

That goes that saying. Yeah, of course. Movie, hip, purse, your lips. I'll be a cab. Yum, yum, yum. This is the opposite of a friend of mine had an issue in her flat where someone had been nicking other people's stuff and one of the flat-style sails had been stealing people's

parcels and stuff. And she only knew it was happening because her stuff would come back obviously already opened by this person. But because stuff she was ordering obviously didn't interest them, it would be like... It would be like the history of feminism would just come back. They were really hoping for an Xbox or an iPhone. Well, it was all their patriarchy books. Yeah.

Had a mate who fell asleep on the night bus and when he woke up, he felt his pockets and his phone was gone. And then he felt his top pocket and it was there. And he knows he never keeps his phone in your top pocket so he doesn't have to keep it. So he just took it and someone had gone through his pockets, took out the phone, no thanks.

Knock your 3310, that's going in the top pocket and giving it back to him. So yeah that's what you've got to do you've got to you've just got to order stuff that nobody wants. I think that a little bit about my car you know my car is so old and knackered and decrepit and actually like it's it'll be more hassle than it's worth if you nicked my car. I quite like that. I think it's a good... It's protection. It's protection.

Sure, isn't it? Yeah. I find that more impressive than if someone's driving a Bugatti. So in general, cut out, oh, bang, I go, yeah, you've cracked it. Respect. Respect. I've got a really, I think, yeah, you've cracked it. Respect, life's a bit. Respect. I've got a really, I think I've got a solution for this.

Yeah. Gone. It's one of those drawer line in it and move on. We've done it. Yeah, it's okay. Yeah, here we go. Love it. You change your delivery name to all my neighbours are cunts.

So then the postman has to go, I've got a parcel here for all my neighbours accounts. They'll say, no, they never say the name of the person. They say, I've got a parcel here for number 17. You've got to change your name, the number of your house to all my neighbours. So it's like, I actually used to be called Dunroman. Now it's called all my neighbours accounts. By the way, that would be, if you had that done in like, you know, you could often get like a kind of ceramic place.

Yeah. It's drilled to the side of your house. Like with a little watercolour painting on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go down the local pottery painting place. Right, all my neighbours' accounts. And then you chit, chis a lot of the number off your door and re-name the house. Yeah.

And then you change the delivery address to it and then the person is going round calling all your neighbours' guns on your behalf. LAUGHTER Perfect. Beef closed. LAUGHTER Job done beef solved. Beef from the zoning at your beef! Beef solved!

OK, this is a shower beef from Laurie via beef brothers podcast at gmail.com a great way of getting in touch with us If you'd like to send us a beef just like Laurie's done Dear Pappies L-T-L-F-T-W Whoa whoa whoa Long time listener first time writer. I think that's what they're going for Lace Long time listener, first time writer, I think that's what they're going for. Great. I am a 37-year-old man child who lives with a wife, a child, an unborn child who lives in my wife, and my beautiful cat who is my best friend and the only one who I can confess

all my dark secrets and fantasies. I already hate him. I would say it, Eleanor, I think. Don't say it. Two very different responses there, because I was going to thank him for letting us into the inner sanctum that currently only contains a cat. But Eleanor was in no way swaying to my opening paragraph. No, no, no, I'm sorry, go on.

Long time listener, long time, f***. Uh, I'm just kidding. Only kidding, Laurie, the jury is still out. I have to first point out that with Gemry a happy household, though I am a recovering slob, and this can cause some consternation. My wife is the breadwinner in the house, whilst also doing more than her fair share of the housework. Oh, no, is any of this turning him round in your mind?

I see. Oh, I'm out of temper, right? My brain. And then there's crawled inside one of the big leather bags. She's proposed herself. So, my wife is the breadwinner of the house. While also doing more than her fair share of the housework, although not by much. Oh, I mean again, again, I don't know what was supposed to be proving there.

I'm not helping. I struggled to see mess, so I have a tendency to ignore it. Oh, I've heard about this. What I've heard about this before is called weaponized incompetence. It's fascinating because as soon as you see it, like the other day, I... It was genuinely meant to be a compliment. I was complimenting my wife on how well she tireded the playroom. But as I was saying it, I was kind of going, oh, am I a character in a vulgar drawings cartoon?

You know, like, I could just see myself stood there in my box of shorts with a speech bottle, man, look, you know, cross eyed, go, oh, you're tired of that? So well, I can't do it, it's really, like that kind of, I feel like this is, this is what we've got here with Laurie. There's an element here of weaponized incompetence,

isn't it, we're going, I just don't see mess. You see it, I don't see it. A fascinating character. However, I'm always trying to improve myself on the instruction of my wife, who see it, I don't see it. A fascinating character. However, I'm always trying to improve myself on the instruction of my wife, who in fairness, is a bit much when it comes to cleninous. Well, he gives one hand, he takes it over the other, doesn't he?

I'm trying to improve myself on the, on the two sides of my brilliant wife, who by the way is intense. Now to the beef. I just gonna say whatever the beef is. I think we're going to sigh with the wife, Laurie. Now to the beef. We have a glass shower cubicle in our house.

From the minute it was installed, my wife decided the water marks caused by the droplets were an issue. So we invested in a squeegee so it could be dealt with, fair enough. While I complained about the unnecessary nature of this, of course you did like, I went along with it to maintain harmony in the house. I like how we think this is taking a high ground. I like how he thinks there's harmony in his house. Honestly, I'd hate to see your record collection if that's the idea of harmony. We both hate this chore fair enough, not really likes chores.

When we had our first child, we agreed that I would take over childcare duties when my wife went back to work. Modern and progressive, I know. Not during maternity leave, I know, just but fair enough. This has meant that occasionally we shower at vastly different times. Sometimes I shower much later. It's like you're in bed all day. Not working.

I noticed that her squeegee efforts dipped at these times. So mine also did. However, this was picked up by my wife with disapproving tones. I suggested this was because she had also slacked. I'm sure that went down well. I suggested this was because she had also slacked, which she replied was due to her assuming I was about to get in right after her. I suggested, passive aggressively, that no matter what the assumption is,

we should just perform the chore in order to eliminate confusion and watermarks to which she agreed. A few months past of this on-tont cordial but now I have noticed that her effort has once again begun to slacken. I don't want to bring this up again as I feel it might become antagonistic particularly as she is with child. However... God mate, This is unbelievable. Oh my god. This might be, this might be my favourite message we've ever received. And I'd not put the right reasons.

However, I can't help but feel slightly aggrieved. I see if I'm being tested somehow. And the issue of watermarks is not such a big deal after all, which it definitely isn't. I'm not hard done by at all, but I do feel like I am being gasslet. And that if the shower thing isn't such a big deal, then maybe the whole thing around yours isn't really a big deal either. And it's all just a big performance.

What do you think, Laurie? Well, Laurie, I think you could read the last question back to yourself. Be closed. Be closed. It's rare. It's like a self-hiding shirt. The message sorted itself out as it was being read out by another human being.

You just really feel like to be a therapist. Well, that's the end of the session. I think we've made some ground. Well, that's the end of the session. I think we've made some ground. Well, that's the end of the session. I think we've made some ground. We, Eleanor, I mean any further thoughts.

You didn't warm to Laurie first sentence in. No. You got good instincts. Yeah, well, you know, I thought, am I going to regret this? But no, I didn't regret it at all. I'm very vindicate. I'm confused as to why the watermarks are such a big deal to someone who can't see mess I understand that he feels tested by his wife, but equally

It feels like he's dedicating a lot of time to that but The also I don't know maybe I mean maybe you guys disagree. I know some of you have children all of you have children some of you have I hate the phrase, lives inside my wife. Which is how he termed his unborn child. I don't like that. You know what, that's on a path for me and I've beefed about this before, but when a comedian's gigging somewhere else and they put on social media, whole, I am in you.

Yes, yes, I am a side you. No thank you. No thank you. No in you. Yes, yes, I am. No, thank you. No, no, thank you. I mean I know that technically that is where the baby lives, but the picture it painted for me was not when I enjoyed so yeah, deeply uncomfortable with that. What I want to know is if this is what is selling to us, what the fuck is saying to the cat? LAUGHTER The cat might be sick of this. The cat, you know, like, I've got all of these cats, it's got like a permanently haunted expression. That's kind of what I'm imagining that a cat looks like. The cat comes home and looks at the wife and goes, take me to work with you, come on. LAUGHTER I've heard there's a macro there.

Oh no. Well, you're literally in this situation at the moment, Tom, because you have a wife who's about to pop, you have a child. How do you respond to Laurie's predicament? You've just got to suck it up and do the work, buddy. Yeah. You've already said that your wife is doing that is doing slightly more than you and she's pregnant. And I don't, I don't, she's the main breadwinner. She's pregnant and she's doing slightly more housework than you. Put it this way. In the time it took for you to write this email, you could have cleaned the shower.

It would have taken five seconds. It's not a, you know, just do the work, do the work. Yeah. But crucially, listeners, don't stop sending us in beefs because we need those for the podcast. Yeah. So beefbrotherspodcast.gmail.com.

Isn't there something like, it's something like, when you're pregnant, the energy, the extra energy of carrying a child is the equivalent of running a half marathon every two days or something like that. I could say that. I could say that. That's what's going on with your life. Imagine stopping half way through half marathon to squeegee a window.

Yeah, not even Paul and Radcliffe did that. That's what you've got a factor in is there's an unseen work. There's unseen work going on. There's heft going on. On's unseen work going on. Yeah. There's heft going on. On top of the two big things. Do a half marathon's worth of chores to come to that. Yeah.

You're plumb. But you know what, let's accentuate the positive that he does say at some point during this, that he wants to improve himself, doesn't he? At some point, he did say, I need to improve myself, I want to improve myself. We are giving you, before you're right, Ellen. Do you get my microphone?

Is there a lot of quiet? Can I do more? Sorry, I was moving my feet, and there was a suitcase next to my feet. Okay, well, of course there is. There's no luggage room. It's not. I wish there's a suitcase next to my feet. Okay, well, leather? Of course there is, there's no leather in the luggage room. It's not. I wish I was.

I wish I was. Sorry. My leather, good. I've just been inundated by leather guns. If it's broadcast finishes, it's just, no, it's a black leather. Are you in a shop? It's very rare that a guest has a box of shit, isn't it?

Today's appearance by Alan and Morton is brought to you by World of Leather. You're actually living at an airport, so you've been telling me. You're in duty free. Well, I'm hoping if this goes well, I can get you guys to buy some stuff and obviously stuff. And obviously, you've got to love a squeegee. It's a shami leather. I mean, yes, I think we can move on. Laurie has reached out. He wants to improve himself. Laurie, improve yourself by doing, I would say, all of the housework and letting your wife put her feet up and make sure she's hydrated

and look after her because you are looking after her, not only the person you love but you're also looking after your new kid so you know suck it up Nate, be solved. Squeeze it up. Squeeze it up brother, squeeze it up. Be from the zoning I can be! You saved! Eleanor thank you so much for doing the podcast, it's been such a pleasure having you on. Thank you for having me.

Where can people see your brilliant work? You can see me on all the socials, Instagram, TikTok, whatever the hell Twitter is now, and what am I doing? I should have prepared this better. Yeah, just Google me and I'll come up really. That's... I can't think of anything, it's too early in the morning. Just Google you and it'll come up, exactly. I'm around. Yeah, definitely worth the follow on at least one of the socials

because your videos are always brilliant. The comedian who is prominent on Google. I don't know more than. I paid for ads, so if you Google, I'll end up ordering the first time I'm ordering the covers up because I paid for it. Google if you Google L and Immorten the first time, I'm the one that covers that. Because I paid for it. Google and Immorten leather. And you look at some comments and some comedy.

Bit of laughs. A lot of goods. Cheers buddy. Thanks so much, it's been a pleasure having you on. Oh, thank you. Thanks for having me. It's really fun. to save unto you. Patreon.com forward slash Pappy's flat share. Get yourself there today. It will also give you discounted tickets to our live shows, including the show on November the 5th

for the Cheerful year full festival. You're going to get a discounted ticket there. But the main reason to join the Patreon is all the bonus episodes. And if you're among an arrang about it, if you're thinking maybe I'd like to, I'm not really sure, have a seven day trial. Get yourself a seven day trial.

Have a seven day trial today. Go to paper.com, four slash Pappy's flat share. You can have a seven day trial at any of the tiers. And you can see the video tier, which is at $10, you can see the audio tier at $5. You can, any of those tiers, you can have a trial and see what you think of it.

For seven days, if you like it, you can stick around. If not, no harm, no foul. You don't, doesn't cost you any money at all. You can cancel and off you go on your merry way. But we'd love you to stick around because we think it really is well worth the money. Absolutely. Every Thursday you'll get to listen to our bonus podcast

of Flat Share Pop Round. And that is a whole world within itself. And there's a massive community on Patreon. Everyone pings around emails and gets in touch. And it's really lots of fun. So if you do want to take the next step in being a listener, then get on to Patreon now. And crucially, it supports this podcast as well.

It does. It allows us to carry on doing this podcast. Yes. Right, well otherwise have a grand week, isn't it, really? Yeah, have a good week. Yeah. Yeah. And that goes to you guys as well.

Oh, thank you so much. Thanks so much, cheers. Okay, today's episode was produced by Emma Corsham. Corsham T. Cheers everyone! Bye!